


Nightmare in Henrietta

by sam_bam16



Series: Dreaming in a Nightmare [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Anxiety, Asshole Behaviors, Backstory, Blake Skovron is Skov's canonical name if you didn't know, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Joseph Kavinsky Being an Asshole, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Some Humor, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-02-16 20:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 135
Words: 373,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13061469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam_bam16/pseuds/sam_bam16
Summary: Life in Jersey came crashing down once hell found Joseph. To him, there wasn’t much to live for anymore. What did he have left? Not much. Life would never be the same again. It didn’t help that he was stuck in a shitty hick town for the next four years.But something about Henrietta was…odd. It had this pull, tugging at his subconscious. Maybe there was more to this place than there seemed? Whatever it was, Joseph knew one thing.He was going to drop this place and everyone in it to its knees. Kavinsky wasn’t the only one who deserved to live in hell.Everyone else he met did too.Joseph’s time in Henrietta from his first week to his death. Includes Dream Thieves in his pov.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> WELCOME BACK  
> It's pretty nice to be back, y'all. Like seriously. Hello to anyone who is new, say hey because I love to chat.
> 
> My hiatus was pretty productive - did some editing of His World was a Nightmare, wrote some of this story, and for those who haven't checked back in since we finished, Snapshots. I posted three last week so if you haven't read them, go check them out. 
> 
> Update schedule will be Tuesday/Thurs for now. It'll eventually go back to Sun/Tuesday/Thurs but not yet.
> 
> And that's it I guess. I know we all want my ramblings to stop so you can just get to the story already. So enter prologue!
> 
>  
> 
> _“Because I’m bored. Your room has now become my pet project as I experiment with chalkboard paint.”_

_The dark._

_That’s all there is._

_All there ever will be._

He awoke with a jolt, body covered in sweat, and his breathing heavy like he had run all the way to Jersey and back.

Obviously, he hadn’t.

But that’s how badly he couldn’t catch his breath.

This wasn’t a new scene. It’d been happening every night since he had gotten to this backwards town a week ago. The nightmare would be different sometimes but it always ended the same.

Him waking up in a panic.

Sometimes it was simply his oldest and worst fear – darkness. That one was something he had faced since he was little; always fighting with the dark. It had gotten gradually worse, the nightmares of the dark, becoming, somehow, darker and even more terrifying.

And sometimes, the nightmares were something far worse. It sounded completely crazy because Joseph never thought he’d face something worse than his oldest enemy.

The murder.

The blood.

The body.

It was all there and, just like Joseph guessed, always on repeat.

This fucking town made everything even worse. It amplified his nightmares to such realistic levels that Joseph had never faced. He had no clue why but deep down, he knew it was because of Henrietta.

He hated it here.

Sighing once his breathing had come slightly under control, Joseph got out of his bed and went out to his adjoining balcony. If there was one thing he liked about this room, it had to be the balcony over looking their backyard. He didn’t even know backyards came this huge. It made his backyard in Jersey seem like a baby and Joseph had been extremely proud of that backyard when most people barely even had a miniscule balcony.

Hell, this whole fucking house put his huge one to shame. His house in Jersey was considered ginormous for where they lived. This place was like a castle to him. It was like California extravagant in a way.

Joseph didn’t like it.

It was beautiful, yes. There wasn’t anything wrong with it.

But it wasn’t home to him.

Probably never would be.

So while he absolutely hated his room because it didn’t feel like _his,_ Joseph kind of liked his balcony. Easy access to the outside air was nice. The air here was fresher than in Hoboken. Although, it did have one problem.

“This place has fucking suffocating weather,” he grumbled into the still April air. Why the fuck didn’t a breeze exist? “Because this place is shit. Duh.”

Resting his arms on the railing, he stared out into the darkness of the night which was the only darkness he liked. You couldn’t see the stars in Jersey the way you could here. At least that was a plus for this stupid town. Henrietta would never be home for him and, truthfully, he didn’t think he wanted it to be anyways.

But that meant no sleep. He hadn’t gotten a ‘Joseph version’ of a full night’s sleep since his forgery was born but here in Henrietta, everything was even worse.

“Maybe if you bothered to try to make your room an actual room, you might like it,” he muttered to himself. All his shit had made it from Jersey but besides for making sure he set up Peanut in a corner that was now hers, he hadn’t bothered unpacking. Joseph hadn’t even changed his clothes in a week which, yes, was kind of gross but he was just that unmotivated. His mother had taken notice of his clothes and threatened to strip and shower him herself if he didn’t do it.

Maybe he’d change in the morning then.

She didn’t know how bad his sleep was. He refused to let her know that he woke up from nightmares every night. All her life, his worries had become hers. Joseph was sick of putting his weight on her. This was hard enough on her; he wasn’t going to make it worse than it already was.

Exploring the redneck hole he was living in hadn’t even occurred to him. He didn’t want to. Only once had he left the house and that was when his mother asked if he’d go grocery shopping with her. She had smiled and said that it could be fun, plus they could buy loads of junk from Walmart. Who didn’t like that?

It was a good question because who didn’t? Walmart was like Barney’s magical bag or some shit like that. And because this town was so small, it didn’t really have that much stores anyways.

Walmart it was.

So he had gone, picked out so much shit for Peanut that she didn’t even need, bought a goldfish, an Xbox 360 with some games along with a controller, and a box of Swedish Fish because why not. The fish became known as Goldfish because it suited it just fine and lived in a vase Joseph had found in one of the boxes when his mother asked him to help her at least fix the living room.

He had ended up helping her fix everything because he didn’t want her doing it alone. Funny how he wasn’t bothering with his own space though. Joseph hadn’t even opened the Xbox; it was just sitting on his floor with all his boxes. It was amazing that he didn’t trip all the time from all the shit just sitting around on his floor.

Looking down when he felt something soft brush against his leg, Joseph bent down and hoisted his old cat in his arms, letting her see the view too. Peanut was a little hesitant about the whole move at first but was slowly warming to the place. She liked the backyard especially because of all the plants to hide and weave through. Joseph was a little worried she’d fall in the pool it seems they had but so far so good. It was like she knew no good would come of touching the water.

“This is supposed to be home, girl,” he murmured into her fur as they stared out at the view. “But I don’t think it’ll ever feel that way to me.” Rubbing her head to which she purred, Joseph added “But you make sure you make it yours. You have to be comfortable. Old ladies have to rest, you know.”

Joseph had felt out of place in life – in school, sometimes at home even before shit went down. It was normal. But now the feeling was even greater. Not only in town, but just in general.

Even in his head.

The forest wasn’t somewhere he enjoyed being anymore. It was like it was affected by his knew psyche. It wasn’t friendly, barely even let him be there sometimes. Joseph had tried once since hell occurred two weeks ago to take something from his forest and while he had been successful, it was a terrible experience.

Everything there had become his enemy; everything wanted a chance to hurt him. He had wakened with cuts on his arms from where a rosebush had clung to him when he had barely gotten there, not wanting him to move. Luckily, he had been able to break away but fuck had it hurt.

The forest was against him because he was against himself. If God hated himself, then his world did too.

And Lord did Joseph hate himself. He was so disgusted by his being that he didn’t even look in the mirror anymore. Why should he? All he’d see was the monster reflected back.

When Peanut was practically asleep in his arms, Joseph walked back into his room and put her in her bed after shutting the door to the balcony. Plopping down into his own stupid bed in the middle of the room, Joseph stared at the ceiling in thought.

Something about this town was different from Hoboken. Technically, a lot about this town but that wasn’t what he was getting at. It was just…

The place felt…different. Odd.

Electrifying.

Joseph had thought a lot about his decision in picking Agshit as a school. He hadn’t had a lot of choices but why had he picked here? This place?

For some reason, Joseph felt like it hadn’t been entirely in his hands that day. Something…in his head maybe? Something had drawn him towards Henrietta. And it wasn’t the school.

Henrietta was different.

Special.

He could feel it in the air sometimes, the electricity that buzzed through this place. Not only that, but dreaming felt magnified when he had tried when he had first arrived here. It was a thousand times more vivid.

More real.

This place was doing something to him, to his power, and Joseph had no idea what it was.

It was kind of worrisome if he were being honest.

Whatever it was, Joseph knew one thing.

Henrietta, his time here, was going to be interesting.

Very interesting.

“Bring it on,” he smirked to himself, unfazed. “Show me what you got, hick town.”


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> First official chpt! Woop!  
> I would have loved if we got to do 12 days of Christmas like last year but sadly I can't manage it with such a fresh story. But, as usual, Snapshots are always open so I guess that's my gift this year even though that's typical. Maybe I'll write some Christmas special or something.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _Just because I don’t want to talk to him doesn’t mean you need to cut yourself off._

“Maybe paint the room?” Nikol suggested over the line. Vesela’s older and only sibling called every day, probably at least three times a day. They had spent their whole lives together in the same city, same house until they each married, and even then, there had been only a street between them once Ivo had bought their house.

The distance now was horrible and something they were completely unaccustomed too.

“I’ve no clue,” Vesela sighed in defeat as she strolled in Walmart. She couldn’t handle being in the house any longer so she had decided she was just gonna walk around. Walmart was huge so it suited her purpose just fine. Plus, she might decide she needed something. She had tried convincing Joseph to come with her but he refused, saying he was too tired. “He still hasn’t changed or showered either. He’s literally starting to smell and Joseph never smells. Nothing I say can convince him and I’m going nuts.”

She was worried.

Actually, that was such an understatement.

Whatever the word was for super worried, that was what Vesela was.

He wouldn’t unpack, wouldn’t fix his room the way he liked, barely ate, and didn’t shower. Vesela was convinced he didn’t sleep either. All he had done was help her set up the house and her room, made sure Peanut was comfortable, and then completely disregarded himself.

What she needed was some way to get him to brighten up a little. But she had nothing.

“Push him in the shower? Hose him down?”

Stopping in the paint section because maybe it was an idea, Vesela answered as she looked at some swatches “I threatened that actually. Told him I’d hold him down, strip him, and shower him myself.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.” Maybe blue? Joseph liked blue. Maybe like a navy or something. Or maybe she’d learn to do a design of some sort. What would he even like though? He wasn’t a stripes kind of guy…definitely not dots.

“I think redecorating that room would be a good start,” Nikol said, trying to sound hopeful for her benefit. “Make it feel a bit more like his own space, you know? Maybe that’s why he isn’t settling in yet. It doesn’t feel like a home.”

Yeah, she had already figured that out. But it didn’t help when he didn’t want to help make it a home. Her eye caught on a small can of paint as she strolled down the aisle, still holding two kinds of blues, trying to pick which he would like better. “Chalkboard paint? Does that make your wall into a chalkboard or something?”

“Think I’ve heard of it. Pretty sure Anka asked Yulian to get her some and pretty sure he said no.”

“Why?” she mumbled as she lifted a can and read the description. Who didn’t like to write on their walls? Joseph had had this habit when he was younger to write his favorite quote from the current book he was reading somewhere. Sometimes his body, sometimes furniture, a couple times his walls. Maybe this was a good idea?

“He told her she had enough mess, they didn’t need to add it to the walls.”

True. Anka was their artist and it was odd if you didn’t find her with marker or paint on her body. Her room was packed with craft and art supplies. “Fair enough, I guess. Bet she wasn’t happy.”

“Nope. Pouted for a day and a half until Yulian told her he’d buy her a big chalkboard and she could use that instead.”

“Always gives in to her,” Vesela laughed while deciding what color chalkboard paint to get. This idea was a good one. “It’s funny because usually one of the boys ends up being the father’s favorite.”

“Nah, you know Yulian. Anka’s his baby.”

“And she loves rubbing that in Andrey’s face. Blue and black would look cool you think?”

“Paint?”

“Yeah. Black chalkboard and maybe regular blue. Or should I do it all chalkboard? Maybe he needs lots of space to write stuff? He reads a lot so maybe he needs lots of space to write quotes.”

“Not all black though; his room will be too dark. We’re trying to sunshine the child, not encourage his depression. One wall needs to be different or something.”

Stopping at wall decals because she was thinking of something for maybe her room, her eye caught on one of a map. “You still on the computer?”

“Yes ma’am. What am I checking?”

Great idea number two formed in her head. “What’s the biggest map of Middle Earth that I can buy?”

“Tapping into his nerd side. Brilliant, you are,” Nikol snorted in amusement as Vesela heard her tapping away on the keyboard in the background. “He got a bookshelf yet? Or twelve?”

Surprisingly, no. But he wouldn’t even unpack so maybe unsurprising. “He will by the time I leave Walmart.”

 

  

* * *

 

When he came out of the shower, he was met with quite a surprise as he stood in the doorway of the bathroom connected to his room. “What are you doing?”

His mother turned to him with a smile on her face, ignoring as best she could how bad his body looked as she continued taking his boxes out and putting them in the hall. “I don’t want them to get dirty.”

Crossing his arms as he leaned on the doorway in nothing but his towel, he asked “Is there a reason they would?”

“Paint gets everywhere even when you take precautions.” She laughed as she walked back in, grabbing another box “Or so I’ve heard since I’ve never actually painted before but hey, first for everything.”

“Paint.”

“Yup.”

Sighing as he rested his head on the doorframe, thankful that his scabs were healing, Joseph asked again “Mayko, what are you doing.”

“Pretty sure I gave plenty of clues,” his mother replied as she pushed a heavy box out. Probably one of quite a few containing books. “You’re smart. Guess.”

Okay, he knew what she was doing but he more meant why. “Okay, why are you doing.”

Shrugging as she stood with her hands on her hips now that she got all the boxes out, she answered “Because I’m bored. Your room has now become my pet project as I experiment with chalkboard paint.”

Walmart was nothing if not inspiring apparently. “Chalkboard paint.”

“Yup.” She pointed to the wall directly opposite to him, the largest out of the four. “That one is going to get something special,” she pointed to the one connected to the balcony, “That one is going to be blue chalkboard. And that one,” she pointed at the one where the door was, “is going to be black chalkboard.”

“And this one?” he asked about, tapping the wall beside him, though he could care less. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted with the room. Joseph wasn’t stupid – he knew she was trying to get him to like it better.

“Plum purple.”

“Plum…purple…”

His mother shrugged again, her eyes sparkling. “C’mon, that’s a cool color. Admit it.”

Joseph admitted nothing. “Is it also chalkboard?”

“Yessir. I’m going to make this room a-fucking-mazing, baby.”

He didn’t like the little stirrings of excitement in his chest. Feelings weren’t supposed to keep existing. Why couldn’t they just fuck off already?

But…maybe they could fuck off another day.

“Do you need help?”

Excitement blazed through her beautiful green eyes. “I sure as hell do!”

Getting dressed quickly while ignoring the twinges of pain he was in after yanking random clothes from his suitcase which was also still unpacked, Joseph ran his fingers through his hair. That’d have to be close enough to brushing for now because of how painful it was to actually brush before he walked out of the bathroom to help. After they had managed to get his mattress and bed frame out once they had pushed out the dresser, she threw a tarp at him. “Cover the floor. We’re not making this place look like Anka’s carpet.”

The memory of his cousin’s paint splattered carpet was bittersweet. He missed all of them but he refused to speak with any. When he had said he was cutting ties, he had meant it. Maybe it didn’t make sense to some people, but it sure as hell did to him.

Laying out the tarp on one side of the room while she laid out another on the other half, Joseph asked “Are we trying to finish this all today?”

“Maybe span it over two days,” his mother replied as she placed the paint buckets on the floor and popped open the purple with a screwdriver. The blue followed soon after. “Purple or blue?”

“Purple,” Joseph answered but rolled his eyes when she smirked like she knew he’d pick it as she stirred the paints. “What’s the something special?”

“Not telling,” she laughed as she held out a paint roller to him. “It’s a surprise.”

“Whatever,” he muttered in annoyance after taking the roller because now it was going to bother him in his want to know.

They each poured their respective colors into pans and began the process of painting. Peanut tried multiple times to walk into the paint and he’d have to run over before she actually went and did. Eventually, he decided she deserved to make her own mark. Dipping one of her paws in the blue, he pressed it up on what was done of the purple wall. He washed the paw off right after to make sure she didn’t lick it and then sent her on her way out of the room.

Dipping one of the smaller brushes into the blue, he walked back to the purple wall and wrote ‘Peanut was here’ next to her adorable paw print. “Done,” he couldn’t help but smile after writing the last ‘e’. Turning around to put the brush in water, he blushed when he found his mother smiling at him. “Stop.”

Winking to make sure he knew that she totally saw that, she turned back around to her wall and said “So you showered I see.”

Joseph had been genuinely worried that she’d actually hold him down and shower him. “I didn’t want to have to have my mother scrub me down. My junk is private.” _Along with scars, wounds, and a variety of shit that’ll cause you to worry._

“I would have, you know.” Joseph couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. “You were starting to stink.”

“I’m a guy. Guys do that sometimes.”

“You were never the smelly type. So for you to start smelling?” She did an overdramatic shiver. “Ew.”

“So fucking dramatic,” he muttered as he continued his purple wall. Maybe they’d finish the first coats today and then the second tomorrow. It was odd when he realized she stayed silent instead of carrying on their banter. “What’s wrong?” Joseph asked, turning around to find her staring at him in concern.

Sighing while shaking her head, his mother murmured “Is the language really necessary?”

That earned her an eyeroll. As if language was the worse of his vices now. How about murder instead? “I’ve got a very large vocab filled with colorful words. Might as well start using it. No point not to.”

His mother seemed disappointed by the answer but said nothing else before she turned back to her practically finished blue wall. “Your tétka says hi.”

Trying to get him on the phone with his tétka’s family was one of his mother’s missions. Joseph refused every time. “That’s nice.”

“She’s dying to hear your voice.”

“Not like she’s never heard it before.”

Huffing but going silent, Joseph knew his mother was running through different tactics in her head in her silence. She didn’t understand why he was cutting off everyone and was trying to find ways to make sure he didn’t but none worked. Never would.

He just didn’t give a fuck.

“Do…you want some nice news?”

Half shrugging, Joseph yawned “Sure.”

“Andrey and Ivet are finally a thing.”

A smile grew on his face as he continued his wall. His cousin had kept the promise. That was good. “Finally. Jesus fuck, he took his time.”

Joseph knew the minute of quiet before she spoke was because of his language. She wasn’t a fan obviously. “Right? I hope they do good together.”

_They will; they were made for each other._

_Wish I had that._

Mentally telling the idiot part of himself to shut up, Joseph said aloud “Five bucks says they’ll be popping babies soon.”

“Oh God, I hope not!” she laughed. “That’ll be way too soon. They need to time to see how they work as a couple before they think about making kids.”

“Nah, see, they won’t be thinking about making kids. They’ll be thinking about how badly they want to fuck and then they actually will and accidently make a baby in the process. Ten bucks says they’ll forget the condom.”

The next bit of silence that came was because both the language and the sex talk. Sex talk had always occurred with Ivo; that man had always been open for any questions Joseph had. His mother was a bit more conservative in speaking about it. “Not a bet I want to take. They’re not stupid though.”

Shrugging as he finished the last bit of the wall, Joseph replied “Not stupid, just forgetting or rushing probably. Black next?”

She had finished a few minutes before him. “Yup. But I’ll start that. I want you to go measure your bed’s width.”

His brow rose in questioning. “Measure my bed?”

Nodding as she popped open the black and stirred, his mother said “I want to do something but I need to know how fat your bed is. Go measure and bring the measuring tape with you.”

“’Kay.”

Finding the measuring tape took a while because he had no idea where everything was but eventually it was located in one of the kitchen drawers. Peanut followed him as he went back up the huge ass staircase that was all fancy, coming to a halt with him at his bedframe. He measured, memorized the number, and went back to the room before pulling out the measurement on the tape. “Here.”

Where the pencil came from he didn’t know, but his mother marked a little notch on the wall before nodding. “Thank you. I-” She was cut off by the doorbell ringing.

Scrunching his nose in annoyance, Joseph muttered “Who the fuck is gonna come here?” He really hoped they didn’t have those types of neighbors who wanted to be all chummy or something. Bring cookies or do block parties.

Gross.

“Probably the delivery. Can you go sign for it, please?”

“Delivery?” he asked as the bell rang again.

“Yeah. Bookshelves don’t fit in my car, sweetheart.”

Ah. More of the forcing him to like his room.

Damn Walmart and its ability to have everything a person needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know)
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www/sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I hope you all had lovely holidays! My weekend sucked being that I spent it without hot water and am still without. Lovely in this cold weather, isn't it?  
> New Snapshot requested by the ever amazing Goldfish! Go read about Joseph and his baseball team at the batting cages!  
> It seems I screwed up my timeline for this story somehow...it doesn't affect anything yet because I haven't written up to that point but the Gangsey is really screwing with me...I can't match up their timing correctly it seems. I gotta think it harder.  
> Also, for any finding our progression slow or boring, please do remember that we're literally only two chpts in. If I were to just skip over things like expositions or setting up the scenes or feelings, I'd be a shitty storyteller who just confuses ppl.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> _“I’m really trying here, you know.”_

Two days later and they were officially done.

And despite how much he didn’t want to admit it, didn’t want to give in to the little bits of excitement and happiness, Joseph couldn’t go around it anymore.

He kind of liked how his room came out.

The bed had been pushed up against the black wall with the door and his dresser with the blue and the balcony. His closet door, which shared the wall with the bathroom, had been ultimately been painted black because Joseph thought it looked cool with the purple. The bookcase his mother had bought was like a wall itself the way it was at the end of his bed. But it faced in where the shelves were to him and the bed instead of out. The black paint came out from the wall of the door to the width of his bed so it was like it was surrounding the bed only. A nightstand was beside his bed, against the wall with the something special.

The something special was this huge ass map of Middle Earth.

Joseph fucking loved it.

His mother had also bought him a small low down wooden coffee table, placing it in the middle of the room, his beanbag the only chair adorning it. Peanut still had her corner which Joseph had turned into her own little paradise by setting up all her scratching posts and hidey holes and shit. Her litter box was out on the balcony which now had a little metal patio set of a circle table and two chairs. He was actually thinking about putting up a shade when the summer came.

That’s how much he liked how the whole thing came out.

Placing his last model car on a smaller shelf she had bought and pushed beside the bathroom door, his mother turned and smiled wide. “Well?”

Trying to hide his smile but eventually giving in because hers was just so fucking pretty not to smile too, Joseph replied “It looks…pretty damn nice, I guess.”

“I guess,” she snorted with an eyeroll while walking to his bed and then taking a seat. She patted the spot beside her, “Sit.”

Resting his head on her shoulder once he sat, Joseph murmured “Thanks, mayko. I love it.”

She wrapped her arm around his shoulders before placing a soft kiss in his hair. “You’re welcome. It came out pretty great, huh? Not gonna lie, better than I thought my abilities were.”

A soft laugh escaped him before murmuring “You got the sickest skills, girl. Don’t doubt.” Peanut jumped up to join them, shoving herself in Joseph’s lap because she was a jealous soul. He rubbed her head until she purred. Glancing at his books in his new shelf, Joseph asked “So who’s quote gets to go on the wall first?”

“Ooh, do I get to pick?” his mother questioned in excitement. “Something from Lord of the Rings. To go with the map and stuff.”

Appropriate choice. “Have you by any chance seen my notebooks while we were unpacking?” He kept a few notebooks filled with the quotes that he liked from the various books he’s read over the years. The notebooks were a bit of a mess from basic wear and tear over the years but still alive.

“I put them in the bottom drawer of your dresser.”

“I thought you don’t like it when I donate a drawer to become my junk drawer,” Joseph snorted in amusement as he stood and walked to his dresser, yanking the junk drawer open.

“I don’t like when your clothes end up on the floor because your filling multiple drawers with junk,” his mother replied with her epic eyeroll. “There’s a difference.”

Grabbing the notebook specifically for Tolkien only stuff, Joseph sat on the floor and flipped through the pages as he tried to decide which to put first. He was about to turn another page when his eyes caught on the last line he had scribbled on the page. Kavinsky wouldn’t like the quote at all; he’d think that it was completely stupid.

But Joseph thought that right now, it sounded like the most beautiful hope. Something he didn’t want to let go of completely just yet.

Standing and grabbing the bag of chalk that his mother had bought because she hadn’t been able to decide what brand to get, Joseph went back to his bed and sat upon it on his knees, facing the largest part of the wall. He set the notebook down unto the bed as he took out a pack of chalk. “Color?”

“White and blue,” his mother answered before she picked up her phone off one of the bookcase shelves when it began to vibrate. She made a face at the name and Joseph had a feeling who it was.

Ivo called everyday but his mother never answered. The only time she had spoken to him was when they had arrived. Even then it hadn’t been through phone call – she had sent him a simple text saying that they were safe and had made it.

That was it.

“Mayko,” Joseph murmured once the phone stopped ringing as he started to write the first word in the best handwriting he could manage. “Mayko…you can answer, you know. Just because I don’t want to talk to him doesn’t mean you need to cut yourself off. I don’t mind.”

And he really didn’t. Joseph had already won the battle by having her with him here. He didn’t want to keep taking from her. So if she wanted to talk to her bastard, he wasn’t going to stop her or get upset. She deserved to be able to settle in too.

“Let me worry about that,” she replied as she stood after pressing a kiss to his head. “I’m gonna go make us something to eat. Love you.”

“Love you too,” he replied, already more focused on making sure his letters came out nice. He doubted he’d actually eat much but he’d try for her.

After a good ten minutes, Joseph leaned back a bit and examined his work. It actually looked really good and he wondered how impressed his teachers would have been with his handwriting. You couldn’t even tell that it was his horrible chicken scratch from how nice it came out.

_But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass._

 

* * *

 

“Hi,” Vesela murmured once the line opened.

Silence came before the sound of Ivo’s voice did. “Hi. I…didn’t expect to get a call back.”

She hadn’t been planning to. Vesela’s plan had been to ice out Ivo for as long as she could manage. Had Joseph not told her that it was fine with him, she wouldn’t have bothered calling at all. “I wasn’t going to.”

“Oh,” Ivo whispered. “Well then thank you for actually doing so. How are you?”

“Fine,” she replied as she stood in the fridge, trying to decide what to make. What could possibly get Joseph to eat? Shutting the fridge as she moved to the cabinets while marveling at how huge this kitchen was – this whole house actually – Vesela asked “You?”

“Alive.”

Nikol had told her how Yulian had literally beat Ivo the day they had left. And how when they saw each other the next day, Yulian told her how Ivo had looked even worse. They all assumed Raul had had a few things to say too but no one ever asked. “That’s good.”

Ivo was probably thinking like her that they had never had such awkward conversation before. Even when they had first met. “House nice?”

“It is but way too huge.” Her hand pulled out a can then went for another to see what she had. Chili or ravioli? Maybe both and put him a little of each? “We didn’t bother furnishing like two other rooms because it’s literally ridiculous.” She cringed a little when she realized she had said ‘we.’ Vesela hadn’t planned on mentioning Joseph at all. Even in the form of ‘we.’ Ivo didn’t deserve to know anything.

“How…h-how is he?”

“Not your concern,” Vesela said stiffly while opening the ravioli. If it wasn’t the right choice, she’d just make the chili later. “It’s not like you give a shit anyways.”

“That’s not fair,” Ivo murmured in hurt. “I care.”

Vesela would die for those words to be true. “So it’s because you care that you beat him? Is that it? Is it because you care that you couldn’t accept him? We’re not starting this again.”

Her husband was quiet for what felt like ever as she poured the ravioli into a pan and started to heat it up. He was quiet for so long that she actually thought that the line had died or something. “Ivo?”

“Still here,” came his quiet sad voice. “What are you doing?”

Mundane things she could talk about. “Making lunch. Well more heating up lunch but all the same.”

“What are you making?”

“Ravioli. Chef Boyardi style. Maybe chili if the ravioli wasn’t the right choice. Dammit.” Talking about Joseph was so normal that trying to subconsciously filter everything was just plain hard. “I didn’t say that last sentence.”

A soft laugh came before Ivo said in a quiet voice “Erased from my mind already.” Another bout of silence came before Ivo murmured “Vesela…why did you actually call back? Why bother if you didn’t want to?”

Should she tell him the real reason? They had all been through so much suffering the past two weeks that she wasn’t even sure she wanted to cause anymore. Her eyes caught on Joseph coming down the stairs with Peanut behind him, giving her a small smile as he walked to the connecting door of the garage and going in. He was probably going to get the last couple boxes of his.

Who had suffered more than him?

Not Ivo, that was for sure. Maybe he could use some more.

“Complete honesty? Joseph said he couldn’t care less if I talked to you or not. That just because he had no desire to speak to you again, it didn’t mean I needed to cut myself off for his sake. Which was kind of what I was doing.”

What she had expected was more silence but surprisingly it didn’t come. “Ah, I see. What good am I, right? No reason to speak to me or anything.”

Despite that Ivo was trying to hide how hurt and offended he was, Vesela’s trained ear caught it easily. Being with him all these years came with that skill; honed it very well.

And if Ivo was bothered by Joseph not wanting to speak to him…maybe he was regretting? That was a good thing, right? Maybe he’d like to ask for that forgiveness soon? Cut this hell stay short? That’d be nice. Vesela was so homesick for her house and her family that it was ridiculous.

But then maybe he was bothered because he just thought this would all blow over already. That they’d just get over it and they were being dramatic or something like that. Maybe he didn’t realize how serious this all was.

That or he was in denial.

“Ivo,” Vesela started, “You beat him for kissing his boyfriend. Beat him to the point where it looks like he got jumped in an alley. Would you forgive someone that easily for doing that to you? Don’t even factor in the kissing, just the beating. How many stories have you told me where you wouldn’t speak to Yosef for a week because he beat you? Does Joseph not get that right?”

“I gave him his week. I gave him two because I’m that nice. It’s called getting over it.”

And now the anger was back. There was no point to a conversation once Ivo started to get angry. Early in their relationship, she had tried talking him through it and calming him down. It had never worked. Only Emiliya ever seemed to have that power over him. Yulian had literally called Vesela stupid once for trying and said ‘all you gotta do is ignore the fucking bastard.’

Somehow, that seemed to work more often than not.

Pulling the ravioli off the stove and thankful that it didn’t burn in her forgetfulness, Vesela opened another cabinet and poured half into the bowl she took out. Setting the pan back on the stove, she murmured “If we’re going to fight, then I’m hanging up.”

The door opened from the garage and Joseph came in carrying a box, holding the door open with a foot as he waited patiently for Peanut to stroll back in with him. Once the slowpoke finally did, he removed his foot and let the door shut. At least he was trying with his room now that they had fixed it up.

Baby steps.

“Lunch,” she called to him before he made the climb up the stairs. “Come eat before it gets cold.”

“Lemme just take this box up and I’ll be back,” Joseph replied as he carefully went up, box in hand, and Peanut in tow.

“How’s he settling in?” Ivo asked. It amazed Vesela that he actually sounded curious. “Okay?”

A part of her wanted to give in and answer because it was stupid and thought maybe they could already fix their mess. The smarter part of her knew that nothing had changed.

The smarter half won out.

“Not your business,” she said easily while pouring Joseph some ice tea.

Annoyance was brimming just on the edge of Ivo’s voice. “All I’m asking is how he’s doing. You can answer that. I’m sure you tell Nikol, so you can tell me.”

Bad reasoning he had there. “I tell Nikol; you’re right. My sister has a right to know how her nephew i-”

“And your husband has the right to know how his son is doing,” Ivo interrupted with a frustrated snarl. “What, if Yulian called, would you tell him before ever telling me?”

Yeah, actually she would. Something deep down told Vesela that if Andrey had come out as gay to Yulian, her brother-in-law would have accepted him so easily and readily. Nikol probably would have had more trouble than him. “He’s not your son, remember? He’s my faggot. Did you forget that, Lord Kavinsky?”

Ivo went silent as he was probably thinking about this. Vesela really wasn’t in the mood to talk with him anymore so she said “Anyways, I gotta go. Bye and take care of yourself.”

And she hung up.

She wasn’t sure if she’d ever call back anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know)
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Some angry and frustrated Joseph being an overreactive p.o.s because why not?  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“You smell terrible.”_

It was funny, really. He’d always heard stories of how much homeschooling sucked. However, Joseph was actually loving it. There was no one to bug, bully, or distract him. It was just him, Peanut, and his awesome little coffee table. Of course the beanbag chair he had his butt set in too.

Didn’t get cooler than that.

The homeschooling was so he could finish up eighth grade which he had been pulled out of. ‘Family circumstances’ his mother had claimed to the school once she had enrolled him in a homeschool that she thought sounded good. He was almost tempted to ask her if he could just do high school this way too but then changed his mind. Joseph would at least try Aglionby before complaining. Maybe it wouldn’t be so horrible? Or maybe it would be interesting enough where he could overlook how much it sucked?

His classes for the coming year sounded pretty good on paper. Biology, Algebra 2 because he had already done 1 and was currently doing geometry, English, P.E., geography, and the history of public safety. His elective sucked but that was because they had enrolled so late. Hopefully the year after would be better. They hadn’t had room in any of their foreign language classes which also sucked. Another hope for next year.

Finishing the last problem for his math homework, Joseph rested his head atop his papers and sighed while shutting his eyes. He was just…tired. Tired because he didn’t sleep and just tired of…life. All of it. He didn’t want it anymore, if he were being honest. What was it worth anyways?

“I hate my life,” he whispered into the quiet of the house. Peanut raised her head from her fancy little hammock thing he had bought her and blinked at him. Like ‘huh, never would’ve guessed.’ “Stop staring at me,” Joseph griped at her. She continued to stare for another minute or two before setting her head back down and shutting her eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Joseph got up and walked out onto his balcony, resting his arms on the railing. Maybe he should actually bother to check out Henrietta. The place always seemed like it was calling out to him or something. There was just this weird tug pulling at him.

However, he had no idea how to answer it.

Because that tug? It pulled his subconscious. It wanted his head, his brain, his imagination.

His dreams.

And Joseph was too afraid to answer that call. The forest – his head – wasn’t a safe place.

It was dangerous.

Taming it hadn’t happened yet. More practice, more attempts at retaking what little control he had had was down right dangerous full of high risk. But Joseph wanted that control back.

Henrietta also seemed to want him to get it back.

Which was, well, kind of creepy. Why the hell did a small redneck town have this kind of power? What in the fucking fucks of all fucking fucks of hell? What the hell was this power anyways?

Sighing again because you could never have enough of those, Joseph rested his chin on his arms as he gazed down at their pool. It was a nice pool, good size and stuff. But trying it didn’t sound that fun because all it would bring was memories of happier times of playing in the water with certain people.

People he was trying to forget. They were better off without him anyways.

In a sort of automatic gesture, Joseph rubbed his wrist in absent thought.

That movement alone caused a harsh pang to strike his already sore heart.

Joseph’s wrist was just that. His wrist.

Empty.

Emilio’s bracelet that Joseph had promised to wear for both of them had been taken off. Placed into his special box to be kept safe with both of his grandfathers’ crosses and the recreated leaf bracelet his grandfather had given him. That part of his life he had to move on from. Taking off the bracelet was the natural step.

But Jesus fucking Christ had it hurt.

“Hey Joseph?”

“Yes, mayko.” He didn’t bother turning his head to look at her as she came up beside him on the balcony, copying his stance.

“I was gonna go out for a bit and figure this place out a bit more, you wanna join me? I promise fast food.” His mother’s words were said with so much hope that Joseph felt bad for her. Why did she keep having to try so hard and make him feel guilty? Didn’t she get he just didn’t want to bother with anything anymore?

“Thanks but I’m good. Not in the mood.” Probably never would be.

His mother went silent as she stared out at their backyard with him. “Yeah, me neither,” she whispered in sadness at his refusal. “Me neither.”

Joseph had expected some guilt to flare up from causing her sadness but surprisingly none came. For some reason, that made him incredibly happy. He didn’t want to have to keep worrying about hurting people. She hadn’t exactly been on that list but oh well.

She’d just have to be good practice.

They stood that way for a while, each one of them lost in their thoughts, gazing out at the backyard. It couldn’t last of course because his mother was intent on getting him out of his shell. “Do you wanna sit in the backyard with me? We could test out that new patio set.”

“Not feeling that either.”

“Or anything else I suggest, huh?”

“Exactly.”

Huffing in what sounded like defeat, his mother murmured “I’m really trying here, you know.”

Yeah, Joseph was aware. He wished she wouldn’t. “I know. And it’d be nice if you just stopped already.” He had known that the words would hurt and from the way she suddenly let out a humorless laugh and just walked away, Joseph knew the words had hit home.

Good. Maybe she’d just give up finally. That way he’d just finally be fully and completely alone.

That’s all he wanted.

 

* * *

 

She glanced through her bleary tear-filled eyes at the name on her phone. Half of her wanted to answer and just cry all her worries away and the other half loathed it.

Vesela answered.

“Hey!” came Nikol’s chipper voice. Vesela knew her sister was trying to always be there and sound happy to make her feel better and while sometimes it worked beautifully, today wasn’t one of those times.

“Hey,” Vesela mumbled.

The sadness was caught in less than a second. “What’s wrong?”

“My life,” Vesela laughed in her tears. “My stupid life.”

“If I said comeback and live with me, I’d be talking to deaf ears, huh?”

God, she’d do it in a heartbeat. They literally had only been here a month and Vesela was just dead. How was she supposed to last at least four years? “Sadly. But not because of me.”

“Guess he’s not any better. Worse?”

“He’d like it if I just stopped giving a fuck.”

“He said that?” Nikol exclaimed in shock. “Seriously?”

Letting out a shaky breath and wiping her tears before lying back on her bed to talk to the ceiling, Vesela replied “Well, not those words but I know what he meant. Hurt like fuck, Nikol. I’ve been hit by words before but those were just…I’m trying for him and he doesn’t even want it.”

Trying so fucking hard. Everything was always ‘no’ or ‘not feeling it’ or ‘another time.’ Why couldn’t he just once say ‘yes’ or something? Even just to one thing? Just so she could feel like she was actually making a difference here.

So she could stop feeling like such a horrible failure. So she could stop thinking that she ruined her life for nothing.

Coming to Virginia was a mistake. Nothing was changing. Hell, nothing was going to change. Joseph was getting worse as the days passed. In his attitude, his mannerisms, in his disposition for fuck’s sake. Vesela could barely even remember when he had last smiled a real smile.

Goddammit she missed her child.

What was worse was that something deep down told her that things were only going to get far worse than they already were.

“Maybe…he just needs more time?”

Not even needing to see her sister’s face to be able to tell that she didn’t even believe that, Vesela snorted “Time? Time’s just going to make him even worse.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Nikol, in a matter of a month, he’s become worse than he’s ever been. He barely speaks, barely eats, barely leaves his room. I’m convinced he doesn’t sleep…”

  

* * *

 

“…because he looks like shit. Oh and when he does speak, his mouth is as nasty as Ivo’s. Does that sound like getting better to you?”

Joseph’s hand froze mid knock. He had planned on coming and telling her that maybe he was actually feeling like sitting outside because he was starting to feel slightly guilty. The more he thought about the way she left his room, the more Joseph’s feelings rose up.

But now after hearing her telling probably his tétka about him?

He was just plain pissed; he was no one’s business. What happened in this house was no one’s problem. It wasn’t people’s business how he was doing or what he was like. Why did they deserve to know?

They didn’t. Plain and simple.

“The fuck are you saying,” he snapped as he burst into the room, his anger flaring. It was like a privacy invasion telling people who he didn’t want to tell stuff about him.

His mother’s gaze was filled with shock, her eyes wide in disbelief. Joseph could easily tell that she had been crying as she sat on her bed cross-legged, phone in her hand. “Excuse me?”

“It’s nobody’s fucking business if I don’t sleep or whatever other shit you said. It’s my own god fucking problem and no one else’s. I never said you can go telling people shit.”

She was starting to look angry and Joseph figured it was mostly because of the language and that his tétka was hearing all this. “Okay, number one? You do not speak to me like that. Ever. Do you understand?”

“No, bitch, I don’t,” Joseph hissed back, watching as her anger took one second to turn to hurt. “You do not have the right to go and tell people stuff. I said no one gets to know and that means no one. Maybe if you bothered to listen to what I say, I’ll take the time to listen to you.”

Her hurt was morphing with fury as she was getting angrier by the second. “I’m gonna have to call you back,” his mother said in a stiff tone to his tétka before closing the phone and almost slamming it on her nightstand. Standing, she walked over to him, eyes blazing as she stood before him, finger to his chest. “You never speak to me like that again. Understand?”

Thing was, Joseph did understand.

He just didn’t feel like listening today.

“What part of ‘no, bitch’ didn’t you get? You can’t go around telling pe-”

“She’s not people!” his mother interrupted with a shout, her frustration and irritation getting the best of her now. “She’s my sister, your aunt! And being that I’m the mother in this situation, I get to decide when I think something needs to be told! Not you!”

Since he was little, his mother had always told him that she and her tétka got their tempers from their own mother. The woman was the sweetest woman in the world but when she got pissed, she got pissed. Joseph on the other hand, since he was little, was always Ivo in everything according to everyone.

Nowadays, that included his temper.

“A mother?” Joseph laughed in that sick way that Ivo used so often. The one he knew his mother hated more than anything. “Bitch, as far as mothers go, you’re on the bottom of the entire fucking totem pole! You’re a load of fucking bullshit! What good are you as a FUCKING MOTHER! WHAT GOOD HAVE YOU EVER DONE ME!”

Eyes even wider than before, his mother stared at him like he was a complete stranger. And maybe he was to her now. He was never going to be the same Joseph after everything he went through. The sooner she understood that, the better.

“Get out,” she whispered, her voice on the edge of crying. Tears were welling in her eyes and yet Joseph couldn’t even bring himself to care. “Get out of my room, Joseph.”

“Gladly,” he snorted while rolling his eyes before walking out. He knew he shouldn’t have given in to his guilt.

Her door slammed shut once he reached his own room. In reply, Joseph slammed his own just to be a totally extra asshole. Throwing himself onto his bed facedown upon reaching it, he breathed a heavy sigh into his pillows. “I hate life. Fucking hate it.”

Maybe he needed some actual air. The air here was actually cleaner than that of Hoboken’s. Maybe Joseph needed to inhale some of that fresh air. Refresh his lungs and thoughts or whatever. Joseph had been cooped up in the house for the entire month they had been here besides for the once he went to Walmart.

Perhaps it was time to see what Henrietta had to offer him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know)
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Welcome to 2018, peeps. Hopefully everyone's year will be better than the last.  
> And...I think that's it. I'm trying to cut my ramblings  
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _“Peanut is a nasty soul. We all know it."_

“Left or…right…”

It was a good question.

“Very good,” he muttered while trying to decide. Joseph had totally jacked his mother’s keys and taken her car. If you were going to explore shit town, you had to have a vehicle. And to make sure that no one thought he was from this place before they heard his accent, you had to drive something better than what they had.

Hence his mother’s Audi s4. It wasn’t Joseph’s dream Evo but it was a car and it was fucking nice. He probably wouldn’t even get his car if he were being honest. Ivo kept his promises but would he keep it to his faggot son?

“Fuck no,” Joseph snorted at his stupidity. “Definitely fuck no.”

So he’d have to buy his own car then. Where the hell was he going to get an Evo in Henrietta?

His head.

Duh.

Something to work on then. For right now, however, he seriously needed to pick a way because he was just sitting half in-half out of their long ass driveway. Left or right…

“Fuck it. Right it is.”

Out of everything right now, the only thing he was worried about was getting pulled over and the cop finding out that he had neither license nor permit. But this place was filled with so many rednecks, letting underage kids drive had to be a thing. Joseph wasn’t worried about his driving technique or getting into an accident. He was actually really confident in his skills. Maybe he had been driving for barely even two weeks but despite the horrible things Ivo was, he was a damn good teacher.

Coming to a halt at a stop sign, Joseph had to make yet another decision. He had no clue where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get out of that house before he did or said something horrible to the only person he had left. Conflicting feelings were piling in on him. Joseph didn’t know whether to be mean to her, hate her, love her, cherish her…

Joseph just didn’t know. Confusion had taken over when it came to his mother. He didn’t want to shun her but what if that was what was best? But then…what if it wasn’t?

Definitely no clue what the fuck to do.

Right now, what he needed to focus on was where the fuck he was going. Maybe he’d find stores if he just kept driving. Walmart definitely existed somewhere in this hell hole. Even if it was there he stopped, at least it was somewhere.

Jumping when someone honked behind him, Joseph shook himself back to the present and decided to go straight. Where it took him, he’d just have to find that out.

After a series of lefts, rights, straights, and even u-turns, Joseph was finally willing to admit that he was totally lost. How he got lost in crap town, he had no idea and it was honestly just goddamn embarrassing. Pulling over to the side of the stupid road, he shut off the car and rested his head on the steering wheel. “Fuck.”

What was sadder was that there wasn’t even anyone to ask for directions. The fucking street was empty and Joseph didn’t own a phone.

Maybe he should fix that second thing.

There wasn’t even a pay phone which was ridiculous. What kind of place didn’t have pay phones on the streets? You couldn’t walk a block in Jersey without passing at least one. Sighing while tapping his fingers on the wheel, Joseph finally decided that sitting here was kind of stupid too. He could at least drive until he either saw someone, a building, or a pay phone.

With this plan of attack, he pulled back into the street after starting the beauty he was driving. Trusting his gut even though it didn’t always make the best decisions, he decided to keep following the road and hope for the best. After driving for another ten minutes and noticing that the road went from four to two lanes, Joseph cursed out his gut but kept going.

The road became even narrower, which, for a person from the tri state area of the east coast, wasn’t actually a cause of worry. You could drive in a one lane one way street in Manhattan and there would be four cars next to each other. Joseph had never actually driven in the city but he paid good attention to his mother and Ivo when they had.

What did cause a tad bit of worry was how the road turned more like dirt than asphalt. He didn’t want to scuff his mother’s car. Coming to a stop and shutting off the car after throwing up the handbrake, Joseph got out and took in his surroundings.

It was like some abandoned…something. Field? There were floodlights that looked like they hadn’t worked in years. This obviously used to be something but what?

Time to explore. However…

“I’m so not getting murdered by some creepy axe murderer,” Joseph grumbled as he opened the car and leaned in to reach the glove compartment. Popping it open, he took the knife he knew his mother kept there for extreme emergencies. After the stuff with Damyan, Ivo had tried convincing her to keep a small gun instead but she had refused.

_“I’d probably end up shooting myself trying to use the thing in a panic before I shot who I was supposed to.”_

Shutting the car once more and making sure to put the alarm, Joseph put the knife in his pocket and began his walk. The place was huge but literally all of it was rundown. Hell, even the ugly grass and weeds. There wasn’t really anything interesting around. The huge empty field was kind of cool if you ever needed a place to bury a body but other than that?

A complete waste of time. Not that his time was worth anything anyways so…

No problem there.

Joseph made sure to keep track of where he walked just in case he got lost. That was all he needed. Not only get lost in the car but also with his own stupid feet. That’d be pretty lame.

Eventually the grass gave way to cement and then little…booths maybe, started popping up here are there. There were a couple buildings that, after checking them out, yielded him nothing interesting besides being old and empty. As he walked out of yet another empty warehouse thing, Joseph backtracked when his eyes caught on something that looked sort of like a map that you’d see at a zoo.

Wiping it clean with the bottom of his shirt and regretting that action seconds later after looking at his shirt, Joseph studied what was in front of him. “Fairgrounds. Huh…” Maybe their fair sucked so much that they had to close it down. “Totally could be true. This place is bullshit.”

But if it was abandoned…it meant nobody wanted it, right? Giving the place another wide sweeping glance, Joseph bit his lip in thought.

Maybe he wanted it.

 

 

It was dark before he actually made it home. Not necessarily because he was still exploring his new found kingdom but because it seriously took him that long to find his way home. But at least he had managed it.

Score for him.

Shutting off the car and getting out, his gaze caught on his mother sitting on the step of their porch. From the way his heart constricted, Joseph knew that shunning her was a horrible idea. For now, at least. He didn’t like seeing her hurting.

Pocketing her keys after making sure he armed the alarm, he walked over to her curled up form, her head resting on her knees and covered by her arms. After he took a seat beside her, Joseph rested his head on her shoulder, still not used to the fact that he was way taller than her now. When she neither spoke nor moved, he wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight. “I’ll wash your car in the morning.”

That earned him a slight laugh because obviously, she couldn’t see the dirt in the dark and that was probably the last thing she was worried about.

But still, she didn’t speak or move.

“Mayko,” he whispered, clutching her even tighter than before. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean any of it.” _Some of it…_

When the wonderful woman in his arms still refused to speak, he pressed his face into her and mumbled “Say something, please.”

His words were met with a tired sigh as she raised her head and rested it against his chest, remaining in his embrace. “You smell terrible.”

Surprise fluttered when he actually laughed. “Shower before bed. Message received.”

“You better wax and buff my car after that wash tomorrow. Look at the poor thing all abused and nasty.” She was about to brush a piece of hair out her face before she stopped and noticed how dirty her hand was. “Wax and buff your clothes too. Sheesh, Joseph.”

“Let’s just call it adventuring,” he laughed in reply. “I totally got lost and then ended up in some abandoned place and then well, got lost on the way home. You know this shit hole doesn’t have pay phones? What kind of place doesn’t have pay phones on the streets?”

“Not a single one?”

Resting his head on hers, he answered “Not that I saw. I think I need a cell phone, by the way. If there’s no pay phones around here, then I need a line of communication.”

She hummed in what he figured was thought as she rested her hands on his. Finally, she murmured “I guess we can go buy one. You’re old enough and we can’t have you getting lost again.”

He was appreciative that she had some humor in her voice. If she was willing to joke, then maybe she wasn’t so upset anymore. “Something nice though. I shall pull no stops here in claiming my rich kid heritage.”

“We kind of are already living in the rich kid neighborhood,” his mother pointed out. “Plus, you hate flaunting that. Why start now?”

 _Because this is the new me. Kavinsky doesn’t mind making himself out to be an asshole._ Instead of voicing his thoughts, Joseph simply shrugged. “Why not start? Who gives a fuck how I portray myself? I hope you don’t actually think I’m going to bother with people. Home and school, that’s it. I’m not going to bother making friends.”

Joseph could easily tell from her stiffness that she hated his answer. But like him, she didn’t voice what she was actually thinking. “We’ll make a deal. You get a phone if you come shopping with me.”

“Deal. Walmart better have decent phones though. I think I want like your iPhone. They sell it, right? Also, Peanut needs more litter.”

“Noted,” she snorted in amusement before stretching and getting up. “C’mon, dinner awaits.”

 

* * *

 

“Is this my call back?” Nikol asked curiously.

“That it would be,” Vesela sighed as she washed the dishes from their dinner. At least Joseph had eaten his plate. ‘Adventuring’ had made him hungry. Maybe he needed to do it more often.

“Where’s little monster Ivo?”

Putting a cup upside down in the dish rack, Vesela snorted “Don’t call him that. And he’s in the shower.”

Silence followed her answer before her older sister said carefully “Vesela, what the hell is with him. Literally, all I could imagine is the way Ivo looks when he yells. Joseph never had a temper like that.”

That wasn’t exactly true. It’s just his temper was never explosive. And never done in front of his aunt. “He’s just…”

“Don’t tell me you’re about to start making excuses. ‘It’s the move’ or ‘he didn’t sleep.’ C’mon, Vesela.”

Shutting off the water after clearing the garbage disposal, she leaned on her arms over the sink. She was just tired of everything. “Excuses are the only way I can make it sound like I know what is going on. Because I seriously don’t know shit. He took my car, you know. After we fought. I didn’t even know he could drive.”

“Your bastard apparently taught him while we were gone.”

No wonder they had sounded so cheerful. God, if only it had stayed that way. “That would explain it then.”

“Did he just come home?”

“Pretty much. I sat and waited on the porch for two hours when he finally showed up. Says he got lost and, surprisingly, I believe him.”

“Do you tell Ivo anything about him?” Nikol suddenly asked in a curious tone.

Talk about unexpected question. “No, why?”

“His choice or yours?”

“I…I’ve only talked to Ivo twice since we got here. A couple texts too but that’s it. But he does ask; in both phone calls and whenever he texts.”

Vesela could literally see the surprise on her sister’s face. “You don’t talk to him? Gotta say, girl, I didn’t think you had it in you. I’m so proud.”

“Shut up,” she couldn’t help but laugh as she straightened and walked over to their dining table, plopping down into a chair. “Why do you ask though?”

“Well, you see, today I had this visitor. It was just me and Timotei home so I go to open, and lo and behold, your p.o.s. is in my face. Mind you, this is legit the first time I’ve seen him since you left. You wanna guess what the first thing I did was?”

Snorting while rolling her eyes, Vesela answered “You totally slapped him.”

“Damn straight I did. Right across his stupid face. He rubbed his cheek for a bit before sighing and muttering that he deserved that. I told him he deserved far worse. He agreed. I ask him what the fuck he thinks he wants and guess what he says?”

Biting her thumbnail in thought, Vesela came up with nothing. “No clue. What?”

In a mocking tone of his voice and accent, Nikol replied “’All I want is to know how Joseph is. Please.’ I say ‘go fuck yourself’ before I try slamming the door. He sticks his shoe in to stop the door before pushing it back open. Then it’s ‘Please, Nikol. Anything.’”

To say she wasn’t surprised would be a lie. Ivo had actually wanted to know about Joseph that bad where he had gone to Nikol? The woman that he genuinely hated?

Damn.

“So what’d you say?”

“I didn’t know if you were telling him anything or if I was supposed to tell him anything. So I just told him no. That unless you tell me to, I ain’t saying shit. He actually looked super upset by my answer but I wasn’t going to give in. Unless you want me to?”

She had no idea and her heart jumped when the shower shut off upstairs. How sad was it that she was scared of Joseph hearing her on the phone? She wasn’t talking about him but after the fiasco this morning, she didn’t want to take any chances. “I’ve no clue…what do you think?”

Her sister was quiet as she thought before responding “Well…he’s gotta care, right? That’s why he came and asked?”

What Vesela was hoping, yeah.

“So…,” Nikol continued, trailing off as she continued to mull it over. “Maybe, like, the bare minimum? You keep stonewalling him but I could give a word or two a month. Make him hungry for the info.”

“Maybe…” Sighing and not wanting to deal with anything else today, Vesela murmured “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Monster done from the shower?”

“Oh my God, Nikol, stop,” Vesela laughed with a shake of her head.

“Hey, hey, you used to call Andrey a brat all the time. This is payback.”

Standing and pushing in her chair, she snorted as she walked over to the stairs “Whatever. Talk to you later.”

“Bye, dork.”

“Screw you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know)
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Only one week left of winter before I start my last semester of uni. I can't believe I'll be graduating in May. Insane
> 
> On another note, dreaming is a dangerous business  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"I don’t want to do shit and I don’t want shit. So don’t do shit.”_

Joseph groaned in pain. Slamming into the floor was not cool. Next time, he’d prepare for it. “Oh Jesus,” he mumbled as he sat up from the dirt floor. Couldn’t he have at least fallen onto grass? How the hell did he even fall though? From where?

Whatever. He was here and that was what mattered.

And that the pill actually worked.

Nice.

“Okay, now I’m in.”

He was in.

For the past week, Joseph had been working on successfully moving in his forest. He could get in but it was troublesome because once he was in, the forest wanted him out. Every time, he’d end up waking with some kind of wounds. Joseph didn’t want to give up his ability just because his forest was a bitch.

Hence the pills.

They were something he had actually been working on since Jersey but he had never used them besides that time he needed to kill dream boy. Each pill did something different and were color coded to keep shit simple. The one he had been perfecting lately was the green pill. It was supposed to thrust you in and then help you thrust yourself out.

A couple of kinks still needed straightening but he felt confident in today’s trial. The main problem he was having was taking shit back. Because this was an ‘in and out’ mission, there was just no time to perfect what he wanted. So every time he did manage to grab something, it generally came out shitty.

But today felt different. Maybe this was it.

Diana hadn’t shown up in weeks. Joseph had no idea what the hell had happened to her but while she didn’t show her face, he was sure she was around. People just had that ‘aura’ thing. You knew when someone was around and if you knew the person well, you could feel it was them.

Joseph could literally feel her lurking in the shadows. Not just her but horrible black heavy anger. And it wasn’t even just anger but something deeper than that.

Hate.

The entire forest reeked of it.

Which was what made taking things even worse.

Rushing through the trees because this was all about speed, Joseph’s gaze darted through the bushes and roots before he finally spotted what he was looking for. It wasn’t anything special but he needed to practice small again before going big. Grasping his object, he stepped on a branch that was about to grab him before he ran off once more. He needed to be clear of any and all flora and fauna which enjoyed hurting him.

“Wake up,” he whispered quickly. “Wake up, dammit.” There was a screech of something that he didn’t even want to know what it was. “Wake up, wake up, wake up.”

Okay, new kink discovered in this particular pill.

Either it takes you or you get the fuck out.

 

* * *

 

She knocked but got no answer. After a couple more knocks and still hearing nothing, Vesela rolled her eyes and just went in, basket of laundry on her hip. If she was gonna catch him naked or whatever, it was his fault. Maybe he should have bothered to answer. _Better not be like…masturbating or something. I’ll be scarred for life._

“Joseph,” she sighed as she walked in, Peanut watching her from one of her towers while flicking her tail. “Baby, laundry. Your lazy ass could at least help, you know.” Dropping the basket on his coffee table which had a mess of junk all over it, she turned and noticed him in bed, sleeping. “Oh. Never mind, you do that. I’d prefer you get some sleep.”

_Not scarred for life. Nice._

Pulling out his clothes, she folded as she hummed with Peanut’s heavy gaze literally tracking her every movement. “Cat, you are such a freak. Stop staring.”

Vesela was about to grab two socks to fold them together when she heard some weird heaving behind her. Turning to look at her baby in bed, the comforter covering only half of his now long body, she stared and waited to see if the noise would come again. _Nightmare maybe?_

He had them far more frequently than he used to. She wanted to say since they moved but really, Vesela felt like it was since the fight with Ivo. _Beating not fight. Fight means it was fair._ That was usually why Vesela figured he didn’t sleep. Joseph was a horrible mess; his eyes were sunken in and blackened from exhaustion and he was literally just bones. He ate but it was the bare minimum to the point where his ribs were almost visible and that terrified her. All methods of getting him to eat more had been tried but, typical of things coming to Joseph, nothing worked.

Dear God help her in raising this child because she was doing terrible. Vesela’s best just wasn’t doing shit.

When the noise didn’t come again, she returned her focus to the laundry only for the noise to come the minute she did. Dropping the socks into his basket, she walked over and crouched down beside the bed, her face in his. “Joseph. Joseph, sweetheart, wake up.”

To her credit, she didn’t start to freak out until, besides for his shallow breathing which was somehow getting shallower, he started to twitch. When that happened, she carefully grasped his shoulders and tried harder to get him up. “C’mon, baby, wake up.”

His twitching turned into slight thrashing and then he began to choke. That’s when she was more than freaked and started to panic. What kind of person choked in a dream? Could you even choke in a dream?

It must be possible because now her son’s hands were scrabbling at his neck like there was actually something there. Grabbing his hands to stop him from gouging out his throat because he was already scratching it open with his nails, Vesela stamped down her panic and yanked them away from him. “Joseph,” she said in a firm voice because her timidness wouldn’t wake a fly, “Joseph, wake up.”

Maybe she should shout. Could a person breach another’s subconscious? Whether they could or couldn’t, she needed to try because his body was getting more desperate by the second, fighting her grasp and the dream’s hard.

“Joseph! WAKE UP!”

 

* * *

 

Sirens were blaring in his brain as the vines clung harder to his throat and his air supply was freakishly low. Oxygen seriously needed to get to his brain.

Now. Like right this fucking second.

But for some reason, something was restraining his hands. Some invisible force he couldn’t even see or feel. Joseph kept mentally telling himself to wake the fuck up before he died but nothing was working. He wasn’t sure he could actually die because he had died in his dream but he sure as fuck didn’t want to find out right now.

_WAKE UP!_

Jolting awake and heaving from all the air now invading his deprived lungs, Joseph was shocked when his mother’s panicked face was in his. Maybe it really had been her voice that he’d heard? He had thought that he recognized it but he hadn’t been sure.

“Joseph?” she whispered in worry, tears nearly falling out of her beautiful eyes that he adored. “Baby, you okay?”

It took him a few minutes before he was even able to calm his breathing. In that time, he realized that the invisible force had been her as he looked down at her hands still holding his wrists tight. Clearing his throat, Joseph replied with a hoarse voice “Totally fine.” When she still hadn’t removed her hands, he mumbled “You…gonna let go?”

His mother looked like she really didn’t want to and it showed in her extremely reluctant removal. “Nightmare?”

“Something like that,” Joseph whispered back, eyes downcast as he played with a loose thread from his comforter. “But I’m okay.” His neck seriously ached and his throat hurt like a bitch but he’d be alright. Ivo had given him worse.

He flinched in surprise when her hand was suddenly at his throat, softly rubbing along it. The touch had been unexpected. “P-Pretty real nightmare.”

 _You have no idea._ What had she seen on her end? “I guess.”

“You guess,” his mother snorted with a shake of her head before she got up on the bed beside him and hugged him close. Having that ‘mayko scent’ engulf him was the most comforting thing in the world. He curled into her as best as his frame would allow when she murmured “Joseph, I literally saw you choking, possibly to death. Do you get how terrifying that is?”

So he was choking without the actual noose – vines in his case – showing. If it wasn’t for him nearly dying, he’d say that was kind of cool. “Choking?”

“Yeah. You started making this noise while I was putting away the laundry and then you did it again so I tried waking you. Then the terrifying stuff started happening. Including but not limited to watching you almost rip your throat out while trying to take off some imaginary God knows what.”

For a mother to see that, yeah, terrifying was a good word. Extremely good. Joseph was surprised she was as composed as she was. Raising a tentative hand to his throat, he felt along the dried cuts from his own hands. _Holy shit. Could I have killed myself like that?_

Neither did he know or want to know.

Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, he mumbled “Thanks for waking me. Definitely appreciated.”

She hugged him tighter, “You’re so freaking welcome. No lie, when I walked in, I was worried I was gonna catch you jerking off or something. Definitely not half dying in your sleep.”

A huge laugh erupted from his tired lungs despite himself. “Oh my God, mayko. If that happened, I’d legit die.”

“I’d be scarred for life,” his mother grumbled and Joseph could imagine her rolling her eyes. She gave a dramatic shiver. “Ew. Two things that’ll scar a parent for life are seeing your kid masturbating and catching them having sex.” His mother shivered again before adding “Jesus, don’t ever do that to me.”

“No worries,” Joseph laughed. Yeah, there was no way he’d _ever_ let that happen. Plus, when he did have sex, he was kind of hoping that he’d never have to bring the girl home. That was how attachments grew and the last thing Joseph wanted was for some girl to get attached when all he wanted was sex.

Did that make him sound like an asshole? Yes, yes it did.

But no one ever said he wasn’t one.

Pulling out of her warm embrace and stretching, Joseph yawned before getting out of bed. “I think I’m gonna shower. Should wake me up better.”

Shrugging as she too got up, his mother replied before walking out “Put away your laundry!”

After a very comforting shower, Joseph got dressed before checking the house and finding his mother not home. She would’ve told him if she was leaving, wouldn’t she?

Trudging back up their long ass staircase, Joseph went to his room and plopped back into bed before grabbing his new iPhone off his nightstand. Obviously his contacts included his mother but it also included his family. Even Ivo. You never knew when there was some life or death situation. He wouldn’t give his number to the man but Joseph would keep his just in case. His relatives also didn’t know he had a phone but it was better that way. Knowing his luck, if Andrey found out he had a phone, he’d go buy one just to be able to call and text Joseph.

That stress was not needed in his life.

So relatives technically only included his tétka, his tetíncho, and their house number. He had also put in bába’s number because maybe one day he’d need it. Who knew.

Other than calling or texting his mother once in a while, Joseph honestly didn’t use it for much. Some books had been put on it but he preferred reading actual print, not so much digital. He had seriously thought about signing up for some kind of social media but then decided against it. What was the point? Not like he had anyone to add or whatever.

Clicking her name and smiling as her picture came up, he put the phone on speaker as he laid down and listened to the dialing. He even bothered to get comfortable and covered himself with his blanket.

“I left you a note,” his mother laughed when she answered.

“Oh. Yeah, totally missed that wherever it is.”

“Table, sweetheart.”

Turning his head from staring at his wall and his now many quotes, Joseph glanced at his table. The note was a piece of paper folded in half so it could stand.

He wasn’t even sure how he had missed that. And even though she had told him to do it, she had been nice enough to put his laundry away.

“Huh…okay then. Well, I’m too lazy to roll over there soooo where’d you go?”

“You’re not going to like my answer.”

“Oh?” Interesting that one. “Do tell, my lady.”

“I totally stopped at that place we saw the other day that bragged about the best tuna sandwiches.”

Choking was the theme of the day apparently as his laughter got stuck in his throat. They had passed the place the other day and laughed about how they could make a claim like that. Had the maker tasted _every_ sandwich in town?

Obviously they hadn’t tasted his mother’s.

“Verdict?”

“Good but mine are better.”

“No duh. I coulda told you that. You gonna be long?”

“Eh,” she mumbled around a bite of sandwich. “I’m thinking to check out some more of the place and then getting us something from out for dinner. Sound good?”

Shrugging even though she couldn’t even see, Joseph replied “Yeah that’s cool. Don’t forget my milkshake.” He had discovered this small shop that made fucking amazing milkshakes.

Like beyond fucking amazing.

“No problem,” she laughed. “Try not to have a nightmare while I’m away, yeah? Peanut is about self-preservation, she might not wake you.”

He scratched his head as he turned to stare at his blank ceiling. Maybe they needed to paint that too because it looked horribly plain compared to everything else. There was no intention to have a nightmare. There never actually was; they just happened.

But he had the full intention of using her time away to try and get into the forest again. And with fingers crossed, he wouldn’t get almost choked to death by an evil forest that was supposed to be him. _Such a load of bullshit._

“Peanut is a nasty soul. We all know it. Don’t for-”

“Forget your milkshake. I know,” his mother finished and he would bet that she was rolling her eyes while munching that tuna of hers. “Love you.”

“Adore you.”

“Cute. And cheesy. Don’t do it.”

With a snort of amusement, he shut the phone before setting it on one of the shelves of his bookcase.

There was dreaming to be had.

Reaching under his bed and pulling out the biohazard box where he hid his acids and pills, Joseph opened it up and picked out another green pill.

Time for round two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I need help figuring out timeline stuff, y'all. I think Maggie/editors made a mistake or something.
> 
> So Gansey has been in Henrietta for 18 months when we meet him on St. Mark's eve. If you count that back, you end up with him coming for sophomore year (Aug/Sept 2011).  
> Now, it said he met Ronan in the fall (2011).  
> Niall dies in June that school year (2012) Ronan moves in at the end of June. This all supposed to be the summer before Adam meaning they met Adam in the fall of 2012, so junior year. That makes sense because he didn't know Ronan before Niall died.  
> But then there's this bullshit  
> "Adam Parrish had been Gansey's friend for eighteen months..."  
> That's from the Raven Boys.  
> Now tell me how the hell Adam has known Gansey the whole time that he's been in Henrietta? Like wtf?  
> Please I could seriously use the help in explaining this.
> 
> Now, today is a little short but it's nice so yeah. Also, we're going back to three day updates! Woohoo!  
> So we're going back to Sun/Tue/Thurs! First Sunday chpt is coming this coming Sunday  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"Look at you. Jersey trash much?"_

In and out.

Reality to dream.

Dream to reality.

Rinse and repeat.

Simple as that.

Or, most nights it was as simple as that. Some were like a few days ago with evil vines trying to stop him. Or evil roots, evil bushes, evil trees, hell, even evil grass.

Evil evil bitches those guys.

But Joseph had realized the secret to it. You go in with target in mind, you get to come out with said target in hand as long as you were fast enough.

In and out like a thief.

A motherfucking thief.

He started with small things; a watch, a book, a fancy invisible ink pen.

Then Joseph worked his way up to where he used to be.

Like a baby squirrel that he put in his backyard. Joseph was sure his skills were back up to par because the thing came out the way it was supposed to his first try. No spilled guts or anything. The pills definitely helped in dreaming.

Not so much his health though.

Joseph always felt sick now because of taking three or four pills a day. They were taking a toll on his stomach and head. Headaches were constant with his mind feeling heavy and fuzzy. He threw up at least once a day for the past few days since starting this endeavor. But there was no way in hell that he was going to give it up. Without the pills, Joseph could barely access his forest and definitely couldn’t take anything that was any good.

So the pills were here to stay.

Laying himself down on the hood of his mother’s car in the abandoned fairground’s field, Joseph took a deep breath as he popped a green pill out of his pocket. He held the oblong shaped pill up at the sun, squinting at it. Today, he was after a prize much bigger than what he had been doing.

And probably just as complicated as a human.

“In and out, Joseph,” he whispered as he brought the pill closer to his face, examining it close. “Like a motherfucking thief.” Sticking out his tongue, he set the pill on it. _Down the hatch it goes._

And he swallowed.

Jolting into the forest, he saw what he wanted and went for it before he thrust himself awake. Time was of the essence and there was definitely none of it within the forest when you used the pill.

Especially when you were a thief too.

He jerked awake, gasping for breath. The pills forced you asleep, practically rendering you at a near death state. Either you were fast, the forest got you, or the pill did. This particular set of green fuckers were actually a little better than the last one that had nearly gotten him killed. They didn’t lower his heart rate at such a scary rate where you couldn’t tell if he was dead or alive. Technically, he had never actually seen how he looked when he dreamed with the pill but he could easily imagine.

These new pills lowered his heart rate, yeah, but not to that terrifying level.

“Fuck,” he groaned upon seeing what was in his hand. What he wanted was not supposed to be the size of his stupid ass hand. Sighing as he sat up, Joseph glared in annoyance at the miniature Mitsu Evo in his hand. “Fucking lame.”

His day ended up that way. Joseph would go in hoping for his Evo and come out with, well, an Evo. But it was never actually the car – the life-sized car. It was just miniature bullshit every single fucking time, each one slightly different than the last which got him nowhere. When his phone vibrated, he pulled it out of his pocket and answered his mother’s worried call. He had been hoping to try at least one more time and take his seventh pill of the day but maybe it was better that he had been interrupted.

Just because they were dream pills didn’t mean he couldn’t overdose on them. At least, he thought so.

“Hola.”

“It’s almost eight, Joseph.”

Flicking up his right wrist to look at the time on one of the two watches he had jacked from Ivo before he had left, Joseph nodded. “That it would be.”

“You don’t sound even mildly concerned.”

Sighing and sliding off the hood, Joseph replied as he gathered up all of the failed cars “Should I be? I mean, seriously mayko, there isn’t a single threatening thing in this fucking trailer trash town. Like legit, you don’t even read about crimes in the newspaper.”

The sound of the sink turning on came over the line and then dishes clanging together. She had probably made dinner and was waiting for him. “Most people would take that as a good thing. Nobody actually wishes for bad things to happen.”

“True, true, however my dear lady, since there is very little to no crime in fuck town, I think my curfew should be changed,” Joseph said as he popped open the trunk and dumped his failures into a bag. He’d have to remember to take that down before she saw them and wondered what the hell was up with all these. “Plus, I’m older. Why do I have to be in house by five? Lame, mayko. We kept that time because walking in Jersey during the evening and night could be dangerous for a kid who _was_ short as fuck. Also the son of a big time mobster. Said kid is now 5’ 11’’ and there are no mobs or mafias around here.”

A heavy unamused sigh came from the other end of the line. “Fine. Curfew is flexible starting tomorrow. In house by eight. How’s that?”

“That I can work with,” he smiled in delight from this small victory. Slamming the trunk shut, he made sure his pills were safe and secure in his pocket and checked around the car for any odd evidence before getting in and turning the beauty on. He reversed and turned the car around after shutting his door and fastening his seatbelt. “Be home in a bit.”

 

 

“Birthday is in a few weeks,” his mother said after swallowing her bite of moussaka. “Anything in particular you want to do? Or want?”

Joseph couldn’t help the snort that erupted from him. For as long as he could remember, his birthdays were always celebrated with everyone either at home or in a park. For the past seven years, his best friend’s family was always invited.

Now there was no relatives, no friends.

No Emilio.

It was just him and his mother. The fuck were two people supposed to do? Plus, this one would be painful in more than it just being them. Ivo had promised him his Evo for his fifteenth on the night of his fourteenth. There was no Ivo and there was going to be no car.

How funny how time had passed. On his fourteenth birthday, he had sworn it was the best day of his life. It was the day the boy he loved told him that he loved him too. The day he learned that he could be gay and it wasn’t wrong.

Yeah, he had been ridiculously stupid a year ago.

Being gay meant you were a faggot and just one big ass disgusting thing that deserved to burn in hell. If Emilio wanted to spend eternity in hell with all his sexuality positivity, he could. He wasn’t Joseph’s problem anymore.

Stamping down the part of him that protested to that thought, Joseph replied “I don’t want anything and I don’t want to do anything. It’ll be any other day; nothing special.”

“Your birthday is special, silly.”

“Calling me silly is cute when I’m five,” Joseph snorted, “Not practically fifteen. I don’t want to do shit and I don’t want shit. So don’t do shit.”

From the way she stabbed her fork into her food, he could tell she was annoyed. Probably upset too. “Fine. How about I just don’t talk to you that day too? Make it even better.” Huffing, she abruptly stood before she grabbed her plate and practically threw it in the sink. He had to admit, he totally thought it was going to chip or something.

“Mayko-”

She completely ignored him as she walked to the stairs, slipping off her slippers before making her way up. He watched as she walked until finally she disappeared from the balcony/hallway into the ‘closed’ hallway with walls, the slam of her door echoing in the big empty house.

Turning back to his food although now what little appetite he had had was gone, Joseph stared down at his plate. He hadn’t meant to hurt her but he was serious. Joseph didn’t want to celebrate anything when his life wasn’t worth celebrating. His gaze flicked down when he felt something at his leg. A small smile came on his face as he lifted Peanut into his lap. “Hi.”

Obviously she was unable to say anything but his adorable cat gave him a purr which was good enough for him. Rubbing her soft head between her big ass ears, Joseph mumbled “I guess telling you ‘I hate my life’ would be sounding like a broken record, huh?”

Her pretty green eyes looked at him steadily before they shut in content and her tongue popped out. “You’re such a freak,” Joseph murmured in amusement before he stood, keeping her tight in his arms. “We might as well clean the kitchen for her. Something tells me she isn’t coming down for the rest of the night.”

Peanut was a lazy ass which wasn’t news to anyone so Joseph had to clean the kitchen by himself. After the table had been cleared and the food put away in containers for tomorrow, he began the dreaded task of dishes. He could do sweeping, vacuum, wiping down, and all that other stuff with little complaint. But dishes?

Dishes were such a bitch. Kind of like evil plants.

So they got lots of complaints.

“Why don’t we just use the fucking dishwasher,” he grumbled as he scrubbed the pan that the moussaka had been cooked in. “It’s brand new and shit. I don’t see why we don’t just put it to use instead of this ridiculousness.”

“Because you have to rinse the dishes anyways.”

His hand stopped scrubbing as he turned to look at his mother standing behind him. When she wanted to, she could be as quiet as Ivo. “True that.”

Crossing her arms and sighing as she leaned back on the counter behind her, his mother said quietly “Joseph, I’m sorry.”

Raising a brow in confusion before remembering that the water was still running over his hands, Joseph shut the faucet and turned to face her. “For what?” he asked while wiping his wet hands down his sides to dry them off.

“If you don’t want to celebrate, I shouldn’t get upset by your wishes. If that’s what you want, then…” she paused like she still didn’t want it to be that way, “then that’s what you want. No celebrating, no nothing.”

She seemed so upset by it that it actually was making him rethink his choice. The woman knew how to play the guilt card really well. “Um,” he began, playing with his fingers, “We can still have cake. Ice cream and I’m pretty sure I saw in Walmart Carvel cakes.” They usually drove a half hour to North Bergen when they wanted Carvel ice cream. Obviously these were frozen prepared cakes but good enough.

The smile that grew on her face wasn’t just happiness, it was literally like she was saying that she won. From that smile alone, Joseph knew she had played him, trying to get him to give some slack.

His mother was good.

“Sounds like a plan! I’ll finish those dishes for you,” she winked as she walked to him, tugging him into a tight hug. “Love you.”

Rolling his eyes before returning her embrace, Joseph replied “Love you too.”

Totally played him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> A new character gets introduced today! He'll be around quite a bit and I wish Joseph had been looking for friends because they would have worked out nicely. New boy Liam might seem like an ass but I promise he's real cool ;) More will be revealed about him as we go.  
> Also a familiar face shows up on Sunday! I hope I capture everyone's character correctly
> 
> And lastly, inwaytodeepopps, goldfish, and I were chatting about alternate endings for Joseph. There are actually three I plan to write. Go read about them in the comments of last chpt.  
> Or check out the stories page on my Tumblr where I wrote out all the coming stories (some have summaries already)
> 
> Enjoy Joseph actually bothering to interact with the outside world. See you guys Sunday!
> 
> _"Sad how raven boys only have manners when they want something."_

Heaving into the toilet, Joseph coughed out everything in his stomach and then some.

Yellow pill?

Definite no-no.

Like seriously, unless he wanted his actual stomach – the organ – to come out of his throat. Or erupt in his body. It had literally felt like a bomb had gone off inside of him. The yellow pill definitely needed some revisions.

Major revisions.

He was trying to create another pill that would amplify his dream powers even more. The green pill was great, knocked him out at the correct heart rate now and everything but it just wasn’t good enough for heavy duty stuff. At least, not at its current state. Maybe he’d end up revising it again.

When he had thought of creating the ‘yellow pill,’ Joseph had wanted it to be the green pill on drugs in an ironic sense because it was already a drug.

But whatever, that wasn’t the point.

All mister yellow had done for him was make him sick with serious stomach pain.

Getting up off the floor and flushing the toilet, Joseph dragged himself to his sink to wash up. His entire body felt like it was vibrating which wasn’t as pleasant as it might sound. Once he was cleaned up, he dragged himself downstairs to the kitchen, specifically the fridge in hopes that they had something to calm his stomach. Finding a can of 7up which would do fine, Joseph grabbed it before shutting the fridge and getting a straw.

He never realized how far away his stairs were. Jesus fuck had this thing beaten him down.

Stupid yellow pill. He was going to revise it but no way was he keeping the color. It was a complete bitch like everything else now. Maybe purple? “Nah,” he mumbled as he practically crawled back up to his room. “I don’t wanna ruin that color too.”

Red. Red would be perfect, all full of warning and danger.

“Red,” Joseph nodded as he sat down in his beanbag chair. “Perfect.”

Maybe there was another way to enhance his dreams though? The pills were good, they helped for immediate slumber but…he needed more. Something to push him over that edge he was stuck at. What Joseph needed was some kind of…something that would make things more vivid…

“Hallucinogens,” he murmured in thought. “They gotta make things richer…bolder…” But did he want to do that to himself? _You’re already taking pills anyways. Dream pills but all the same shit, right?_

How bad would it be to take some kind of hallucinogen? It couldn’t be that terrible, could it? It all depended on what he took but Joseph could handle it.

Research time.

Standing, albeit shakily because the drug was still being a pain, Joseph walked over to his mother’s room and went in. The lady of the house had gone out, claiming the need of air. Joseph didn’t blame her; staying home around here could drive you insane. There were only so many hours she could spend talking to his aunt, she’d say.

He didn’t blame her for that either.

Grabbing her laptop from the bed and thinking that he should buy one for himself, Joseph wobbled back to his own room, plopping down onto his comfy bed that he hadn’t made today. He was getting lazy, he knew that but couldn’t help it. It’s not like anyone besides him, his mother, and Peanut saw his mess anyways.

Once the laptop was up and running, he started his searching. He knew the basic hallucinogens like PCP and LSD but Joseph wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to take that stuff. Plus, where the hell would he get it in Henrietta? Maybe he should just go simple and do weed. That didn’t really affect you in a negative way and he could probably buy some here. No way not one those rich fucks in Aglionby didn’t sell marijuana. Someone had to.

“It can’t be that bad…” he mused as he read up on marijuana. Getting stoned actually sounded pretty relaxing. Would it matter that he was still on his antidepressants though? Joseph wasn’t sure and a search on the internet returned him nothing. Like literally. All he got was that there was barely any research because people on antidepressants rarely reported the use of cannabis.

Scratching his head as he thought of what to do because he was getting nothing, Joseph muttered to himself “Okay then…worth the risk or not?”

It was simple. Did he want to access the depths of his brain to dream better or not?

Joseph sure as hell fucking did.

Weed it was then.

Bouncing off the bed and grabbing his phone from his nightstand, Joseph dialed his mother and set it on speaker while he changed. “Hiya mayko.”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“You gonna be long? I need the car.”

She was silent before wondering “Need?”

There was no way he could tell her he was going to go buy weed. She’d just have to get her panic attack later on when maybe she caught him or something. “Yeah, I realized Peanut doesn’t have any dry food left. I want to go get some,” he lied, thinking quick. Peanut had food but he could just buy extra to make his mother believe him.

“Oh okay. Do I need to rush? I was enjoying walking around this shopping center.”

“Uh,” Joseph thought aloud as he slipped a shirt over his head. “Actually, I can take my board. Don’t worry about it.”

“Can you board while carrying food?”

Putting on the Yankees cap that had been among the things he had taken from Ivo – he was against keeping anything that man gave him but he didn’t mind stealing from him – Joseph sat on his bed as he slipped on his shoes. The hat was probably the most expensive from Ivo’s collection and was so special that even Ivo had only worn it once.

He couldn’t help but wonder how Ivo reacted when he realized he was missing four hats, two watches, and one of the knives he had brought from Bulgaria. The hats were more than two hundred dollars together, the watches were also over two hundred.

Two hundred thousand.

Joseph had had no clue what he had grabbed. All he had known at that moment in time was that he was going to take advantage of Ivo being out so he went to his closet and picked out what he wanted. The hats he had gone for what he liked and technically the same for the watches. However, Joseph was dead set on wanting a Rolex. He didn’t even care what it was specifically; all he knew was that he wanted one despite that he’d probably never wear it.

It wasn’t until he got to Henrietta and looked up what he had grabbed did Joseph learn that he had taken some rare classic worth hundreds of thousands.

It was in his special box now because he was so afraid of scratching it.

Ivo had probably had a freak out about his Rolex.

Oh well.

The other watch was an Armani sports watch worth a little more than a couple hundred. That was his everyday watch now.

“Yup. I’ll just buy a small one and when we go grocery shopping, I can get a bigger one,” Joseph answered while tying his Vans. “You enjoy your time.”

“You sure?”

Taking his board out from his closet and putting his wallet in his pocket, he replied “Yeah, yeah, it’s cool. Bye and love ya.”

“Love you too and don’t forget to lock the house.”

He was about to remind her how this was shit town and it didn’t really matter but it wasn’t worth the breath. “No probs. Bye.”

 

 

Coming to a halt in front of Aglionby Academy, Joseph stared at what would be his school after the summer. The place itself seemed nice and clean and all but just…

Ew.

It was so prep school that Joseph was going to throw up. For God’s sake, he had grown up in Jersey public schools and he was coming to this? When the bell rang and students started to come out, he scrunched his nose in even more disgust after catching sight of their uniforms. _I have to wear that shit? Damn._

Okay, so there was nothing wrong with chinos. Joseph actually wore them all the time and was literally wearing a pair right now with his black V-neck. He thought the tan color looked nice on him but still. A tie? And what about that ugly ass sweater?

Double ew.

“This is what you picked,” he grumbled to himself. “Actually, it’s what your freaky subconscious picked.”

Scanning the crowd, he tried to determine which of these fuckwads would sell weed. Just because they looked all prim and proper didn’t mean they were. Generally, it could be the guy who looked a little shifty, maybe a little too chill. But then…it could actually be the head of whatever their sport was, selling because he wanted to up his status or whatever.

Oh the dynamics of high school. “Not looking forward to this shit,” he muttered in disgust as his gaze caught on the parking lot.

Holy shit their cars. Sure, Joseph loved a beautiful car but he at least knew about cars. Knew their stats, what went into them, how to fix them, and even how to make them better. Hell, when he actually bothered to watch a show, it was usually a car one. What the fuck did that blonde idiot over there know about driving a Porsche 911 Carrera? From here, Joseph couldn’t tell for sure but he thought it was the new S version that had come out last year.

He’d bet the Armani around his wrist that the answer to his question was nothing.

These fucking fuckwads.

Even if Joseph had wanted to make friends, these people didn’t seem like his type of people. They were so typical rich boy that they made him sick. Maybe he was trying to make himself out as one of those assholes but at least he wasn’t actually like that.

Staring harder at the blonde, Joseph watched as the kid took out a cigarette and lit it up while leaning on his Porsche. A couple other guys joined him and the cigarette was passed around.

“Hell…” Joseph muttered, his gaze examining them closer. “That’s gotta be a blunt.”

Which was what he needed.

How did one go about buying marijuana? Just ask? Act cool? Maybe he’d mix both…or he could try winging it. “Not gonna get nothin’ by just standing here like an idiot.”

Taking a deep breath and preparing himself, Joseph set his board on the floor and skated over, weaving between other extremely nice cars before coming to a stop beside the blonde and his Porsche. _Here we go. Wish me luck everyone._

“Yo, idiot, watch the paint,” Blondie snorted in irritation, giving Joseph an unimpressed once-over. “It ain’t your mama’s van.”

Man, this kid was trying so hard, Joseph wanted to laugh. He would have gotten jumped in seconds back in Hoboken. Any chance of Joseph not acting like an ass was erased.

Kavinsky would start making his name today.

“My mama drives an Audi but noted,” he smirked as he leaned himself and his board against the Porsche, making clear that he didn’t give a shit about the paint job. Rubbing his hand along the hood, Joseph made a mock impressed face. They didn’t need to know he was actually ready to drool right now. “She’s a beauty.”

Blondie didn’t seem enthused about carrying conversation with him but his pride beat out his will. “911 Carrera S. Fully tricked out even with the PDK transmission.”

Lucky bastard. He probably didn’t even know what that meant for his car; just threw around the name because he knew it was an extra that had to be paid for. “Damn. I’ll admit, I’m jealous.”

With those words, Blondie and his group of idiots laughed like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. “Of course you are. Look at you. Jersey trash much?” He kicked Joseph’s board to the floor, “Your daddy buy that for you?”

Staring down at his board as he nodded slowly, Joseph replied “Actually, my mom.” The one Ivo had bought him for Christmas was back in his closet in Jersey. Picking his head back up, Joseph shrugged like he didn’t care and focused back on the car. “So full shebang, huh? 3.6 liter engine with 345 horsepower?”

That was actually a lie. The regular Carrera had that engine, not the S. But Joseph wanted to see if his theory about Blondie was true or not.

The other boy looked slightly unsure but only for a second before he nodded with a cocky smile. _This idiot._ “Yeah, totally. Everything.”

“Even had a torquette installed into the engine? Fuck, really jealous now.”

“You should be,” Blondie laughed again while nodding. “I got _everything_ under that hood.”

 _Oh my God, you’re such a fucking idiot._ Torquette wasn’t even a word. Joseph had made it up right this second as another test. A torque was part of the basic specification of an engine; the power output of the engine. _This poor car is abused under your care._

Nodding again, Joseph couldn’t help the laugh that came out. Like seriously, how stupid could you get?

“The fuck you laughing about?”

“You,” he snorted in amusement. “There’s no such thing as a torquette, fuckwad. And this car runs a 3.8 liter engine with 385 horsepower. Not a 3.6. I’d be fucking surprised if you even knew how to shift properly. You probably grind the gears while hitting the clutch wondering why it won’t go. I mean, holy fuck, you’re an idiot.”

Blondie wasn’t amused like his buddies around him who were trying to hide their laughs and smiles. “At least I have a car and I’m not just some wannabe with a skateboard. Who gives a fuck if I know what’s under the hood?”

“No one,” Joseph shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, besides me because you’re just an insult to cars but no one else. Though I bet they find it horribly amusing at how much of an idiot you just made yourself out to be.”

“Why don’t you just fuck off before I get even more pissed.”

With a roll of his eyes, Joseph replied “Is this the part where you tell me ‘you won’t like it when I’m angry?’” When Blondie didn’t get the reference, Joseph dramatically face palmed. “You don’t even know the Hulk? Now that there? Fucking sad.”

“Just fuck off,” the other boy snarled, just about done with him. Joseph felt like this particular group of guys weren’t as tough as they made themselves out to be. Which was a good thing for him, just in case.

Shaking his head, he revealed “Look, I just came over because I think you have something that I want. You sell?”

A look of confusion passed Blondie’s face before glancing down at the joint between his fingers. Opportunity glowed in his eyes. “You wanna buy a joint?”

“More like I want to buy a month’s supply of weed. I don’t want to have to see your ugly ass face tomorrow when I want more.” Joseph didn’t even know if weed was what was going to help his dreams but better that he was prepared.

With a smug smirk of satisfaction, Blondie took a puff as he leaned on his car. “Got nothing for you, bitch.” Joseph’s eyes caught on the corner of a Ziploc sticking out of Blondie’s pocket. He had what he wanted.

And Joseph really wanted.

“How much?”

“Not selling to you, _darling_.”

“Cheesy but not as cute as you might think, sweetheart. Ima ask again. How much? You don’t want me asking a third time.”

What that threat meant, Joseph had no clue. Kavinsky, on the other hand, was more than ready to just break Blondie’s nose and jack everything he had. Depending on how Blondie answered, something would happen.

Taking another drag, Blondie passed the blunt to one of his buddies and faced Joseph. Blondie was about two inches shorter which was awesome because it had taken years for people to be shorter than him. “Not selling. Go fuck yourself.”

Nodding and resigning himself to having to take out Kavinsky to get what he wanted, Joseph ran a hand through his hair after lifting his cap before putting it back on backwards. Oh, this idiot in so many ways. “Final answer?” he asked with a large smile.

“Final. Go back home to your plastic trash mama.”

Very very wrong thing to say. Now even Joseph wanted to break this piece of shit’s face. Maybe his mother had boob work but nobody got to judge her on that. Blondie obviously had no clue that his mother had actually had work done but the trashy Jersey stereotype still made his blood boil.

Resting a hand softly on Blondie’s neck causing the other boy to tense, Joseph whispered “I really wish you hadn’t said that. Both things, really. I was being all nice and was gonna pay and everything. Now I’m just gonna take.” He patted the boy’s neck softly, “Sorry, baby.”

The look of annoyance and confusion only had a second to register on Blondie’s face before Joseph slammed his face into his fancy ass car.

Hard.

Joseph was sorrier for the car rather than the bleeding boy sliding down to the floor with his friends staring with wide eyes. He leaned down and took the bag of joints from Blondie’s pocket then rifled through his other pockets and found some loose weed in another Ziploc. Was this guy loaded or what? Joseph had no idea what the price of weed was but this amount had to be worth quite a bit.

Putting them into the pockets of his chinos, Joseph was about to go when he decided to say one last thing. He crouched down in front of Blondie and his broken nose, Ivo’s sick smile on his face. Patting the face before him almost tenderly, he whispered “Should have just sold to me, princess.”

“Look, man,” one of Blondie’s friends said quickly, probably worried Joseph was about to do more. Hell, maybe he should. “You got what you wanted, now just go.”

Smiling because he never realized how amusing this all could be, Joseph decided to up his game because who didn’t want to be even more amused than they already were?

He flicked out Ivo’s knife and held the point right under Blondie’s chin. “Next time I ask for something, you just give it to me. Got it?”

The boy looked ready to piss himself which was actually a very hilarious look. Joseph seriously had to try this on more people. “Totally got it. I s-swear. A-All yours; you don’t even need to pay.”

“Aw! That’s so sweet!” he cackled loudly as he patted Blondie’s cheek a few more times, the blade still open his hand. “You the best, baby.”

“Liam,” the terrified dude whispered with his bruised and bleeding face.

“Liam,” Joseph nodded with a smile as he put his knife away and stuck his hand out for a proper introduction. Liam seemed so confused but eventually took the hand and shook it. “Nice to make your acquaintance.”

Clearing his throat and trying to get his bearings back, Liam murmured “And who am I acquainting with?”

Standing before dusting off his chinos, Joseph’s smile grew even deviously larger as he winked and replied with the very simple answer that everyone in hick town would eventually come to know.

“Kavinsky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I've hit writer's block and it's such a pain.....uh....  
> My last semester of uni starts on Tuesday. Can't believe I graduate in May. In-sane
> 
> Anyways, enjoy today's chpt and see y'all Tuesday
> 
> Oh and I used a phrase at the end that a lady says to Joseph that apparently is...really old? Idk, I'm only 21 but apparently I'm an old soul to the point where I said it to my mom and she's like what??? Is that even a thing? I had to search it up and prove that yes 'You're a card' is actually a thing. Seems it comes from like 1912 or something.  
> But anyways, it means that you're funny in like a stupid way. Like they think you're amusing/idiot in a cute way. Can also be sarcastic
> 
> P.S. Lemme know if I characterized our familiar face right
> 
> _"Why does he think I left behind half my shit?"_

The weed?

Worked fucking wonders. Best choice he had ever made.

The wonders weren’t to the point where Joseph was able to drag out his Evo but Jesus fucking Christ, dreaming was so vivid that it was insane. The good thing was that it didn’t seem to have too much effect on his antidepressants.

Or they canceled them out.

He wasn’t actually sure. Smoking had been part of his new diet for the weekend including Friday, so like three days. That wasn’t a very long test period but Joseph still felt like there was something that had changed. He was restless and swore the other day he had some sort of hypomania episode. But then yesterday, his mood had literally hit a low that Joseph hadn’t hit in at least a year. So either his drugs weren’t mixing well or they were canceling each other out.

Whatever the case, one of them had to go.

Joseph was thinking the antidepressants. He happened to like the weed too much to give it up already. Funny how years ago he and Ivo had talked about taking drugs and Joseph had said he wasn’t stupid to even try that.

If presented the opportunity, Joseph was pretty sure he’d try that.

Marijuana had already happened anyways and he had promised Ivo that he’d talk to him first before trying it. “Ha! As if I’d ever talk to him now anyways,” Joseph snorted as he took another puff on his first joint of the day while laying atop the Audi in his field.

 _His_ field. That was it; Joseph was officially claiming the place. It was perfect for practicing dreaming. There were no prying eyes, it was away from everything and everyone, and if something freakish happened, Joseph didn’t have to worry about explaining it.

Essentially, the place was perfect.

With an arm rested behind his head, Joseph stared up at the sky as he smoked. He had to admit that it was nice actually being able to just look up. Depending on where he tried this in Hoboken, he’d be met with the faces of buildings or just the ugly ass street. Although there was that park on the Hudson that was beautiful to hang out in. Lie on the grass and just enjoy the scenery. Or Central Park. They hadn’t gone often because his mother and Ivo pretty much hated going to New York but it was stunning.

“Look to the future, not the past, idiot,” he mumbled around his joint as he took another drag. “And what my future needs right now is a god fucking Evo. Maybe a laptop too.” Among other things. Joseph had it set in his head that he wanted to lose his virginity sooner rather than later. The earlier he had sex with a girl, the sooner his faggot feelings would be completely erased.

And as with most things, the sooner the better. All he had to do was realize how much he actually liked girls. The whole ‘relationship’ thing he had tried with Emilio was just him being confused.

That was it.

_I thought you said you’d stop lying to yourself?_

“Shut up, inner monologue. Nobody likes your fugly ass face.”

Inhaling the smoke deep into his lungs, Joseph sat up and made sure to stamp out the stub left of the blunt in a little plate he had brought along. All he needed was to start a fire because he was fucking stupid. Getting as comfortable as a person could on a hood of a car, Joseph popped a green pill in his mouth and shut his eyes.

He was doing this.

Thrust harshly into sleep, he couldn’t help but smile in glee when a literal Evo was right before his eyes. He made sure his steps were quiet as to not alert the forest of his presence. That was another key in getting what he wanted; no one could know he was in.

Like a thief.

In and out.

Getting into the beautiful car, Joseph grasped the steering wheel tight and shut his eyes, praying for wakefulness. Which he got, surprisingly. Maybe that weed was actually doing a big part in all this.

Blinking his eyes open, Joseph couldn’t stop the huge grin that erupted on his face when he realized that he was still sitting inside the car. Sitting in the car _and_ he was in the field.

Which meant that he was awake.

Awake and with the fucking Evo.

Holy shit.

“I’m so fucking awesome!” Joseph laughed in delight, reaching for the door handle to get out and check the exterior. Except there was a problem.

Like major huge fucking ginormous problem.

Yup, his delight ended in the matter of seconds. Milliseconds even.

There was no fucking door handle. And the reason for that?

Because there were no fucking doors. He was literally trapped in a car that had no opening doors. There weren’t even the indentations of where the doors were supposed to be. Just windows – in the correct locations shockingly – and a smooth ‘wall.’

No fucking doors.

Slamming his head back on the head rest and shutting his eyes, Joseph groaned his frustration out. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He slammed his hands down onto the steering wheel, “Fuck!”

All he had made was a fucking car with no doors. It was like a capsule with windows, a coffin with windows. What good was that?

“Nothing!,” he shouted in annoyance. “God fucking nothing because what the hell can a person do with a car that doesn’t even have doors!”

Joseph rested his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes as he tapped his foot on the carpeted floor. Okay, so it didn’t come out right. What was he getting upset for? Did he actually expect it to work on the first try? Things always took him time and he shouldn’t just assume that just because he was dreaming on drugs now that he could easily take an entire car out of his fucked up brain.

So he had to try again. Simple as that.

With that decision come to, Joseph sighed as he sat up and glanced around the interior. At least it looked like he got the insides right. He had been researching the car since he decided that he was going to dream it because he wanted it to come out exact. Exact to the point where you’d think he had bought it from a dealer.

That exact.

A perfect forgery.

This here?

Definitely not perfect. Fuck, not even decent.

“Now…how to get out…” Windshield or window? Either way, he’d have to break glass. The real question was if he wanted to shimmy through a window or climb through a windshield… “I always wanted to try shimmying…”

Shimmy it was. What were a few cuts? Nothing new to this body. Because there were no doors, there were no buttons either so no window switches. Taking his shoe off, he looked away to protect his eyes and slammed it into the glass until he got it to break. Once that was done and after putting his shoe back on, Joseph slipped out of the car, thankful that he was both thin and tall.

That was two points for his genetics which had spent so many years failing him.

“Okay,” he nodded while ignoring the stinging taking place on his torso. “Let’s check this shit out.”

He walked around the Evo, taking in all the details. It hadn’t occurred to him to dream of the color that he wanted so it was just plain white. When he had this all down, he’d worry about color though. “Like seriously, figure out some doors first, fuckwad.”

There were missing taillights and the grille was super funky. “More to my list then,” Joseph murmured as he walked to the door to pop the hood when his hand completely missed the handle.

No doors was really going to eat at him.

Shaking his head while letting out a whopping sigh, Joseph stretched through the window while ignoring the pricks of glass and pulled the handle to pop the hood. _Maybe I should see if this thing actually turns on._ Reaching around the wheel, his hand went for the ignition and found…

Nothing.

“Okay! So no fucking keys either!” he couldn’t help but shout in irritation, yanking his hand out of the car to throw it up in the air with the other. “Because, you know, cars don’t need keys or anything!” Kicking the tire just to be extra, Joseph huffed as he rounded the front to lift the hood.

God fuck did he hate life.

No engine. Like legit, no fucking engine.

There was no engine, no radiator, no battery, no oil filter, no anything.

“Fuck you, brain! Fuck YOU!” Joseph was about to rant some more when the sound of his phone ringing interrupted. Yanking it out of his pocket, he answered his mother. “Hmm.”

She didn’t like his tone if her tone was anything to go by. “Hi.”

“Sorry,” he sighed, leaning against the garbage Evo. She didn’t deserve to face his annoyance. “What’s up?”

“You have the car and there happens to be no toilet paper. Solve the puzzle.”

Sparing a glance to his watch and seeing that it was a little past noon, Joseph replied “Got it. Toilet paper on my way home. Anything else?”

“Sooner rather than later would be nice being that I’d like to be able to use the bathroom without worrying about toilet paper.”

“Guess you can’t just hold it in, huh?” His question was met with silence. “Okay, okay, I’ll be home sooner rather than later. With toilet paper and Mcky D’s for lunch. Sound good?”

“Yeah, good. Be safe and love you.”

Closing the phone with a sigh after passing his own love, Joseph slammed the stupid hood shut before trudging over to his mother’s car. Toilet paper and McDonald’s. Such fun.

If anything, a McFlurry would brighten his mood.

 

 

Walking through the aisle that held a variety of household paper products, Joseph stared at the array of toilet papers in front of him. Why they made a necessary commodity so expensive if you wanted the good stuff, Joseph had no idea. Charging eight bucks just for a six pack was completely ludicrous. Poor people deserved the good stuff too.

He was about to grab the usual one they bought – ultra strong because they liked clean asses – when his eye caught on a girl stretching to reach a certain brand of paper towel up on the top shelf. She was short, maybe a bit less than a foot shorter than him, and was…

Different.

But not in a bad way. The girl just had this very specific sense of being with her short choppy hair filled with clips and what he could only call punk rocker boots. She had on purple leggings with ripped up jeans shorts on top and a loose blue draping sweater atop a white tank top.

The girl was just so ‘her’ and, well, Joseph liked.

Really liked.

Walking over to her, he grabbed the roll she was going for and handed it over, making sure he was wearing that extra charming smile he noticed people loved. “This one?”

She blinked at him for a few seconds before accepting the paper towel with a quick nod, setting it in her basket. “Thanks, but I had it.”

“No doubt in my mind,” Joseph laughed as he casually leaned against the shelves. Facing her now, Joseph knew for a fact that he definitely liked her. She was completely disinterested in him, that was obvious from her posture, but hell, Joseph just liked her even more for that. And fuck, she was pretty.

Potential girlfriend material right here. Something Joseph needed to get himself like yesterday.

“Love your boots,” he complimented while tapping one softly with his own shoe. “You paint the clasps or did it come like that?”

The girl literally rolled her eyes like ‘there’s not enough time in my day for your ass.’ “Myself and I have to go,” she answered before turning away and beginning to walk off.

As if he was that easily discouraged. Nobody was more stubborn than him. Except maybe the cute girl walking away. “Hold up, hold up,” he laughed as he caught up with her and her purposeful steps. “Am I not allowed to compliment the amazing way you dress? I love it.”

Sighing, she came to a halt, put her hands on her hips after setting her basket down, and glared at him. Ivo used to say he loved when Joseph’s mother would glare at him because it was damn sexy. Joseph had never understood that reasoning.

Until he was being glared at by this fierce shortstuff.

It was pretty hot.

_Faggot feelings, you’re being erased little by little, my enemy. This girl is going to be my very hetero savior. In your fucking face._

And when the time came for sex, well, with enough friction, Joseph was sure he could keep it up.

Problem nipped in the fucking bud.

“Look, just leave me alone, okay? I’m not interested in you or anything you have to say for that matter.” Rolling her eyes and huffing, she added grudgingly “And thank you.”

Feisty and polite. Damn.

“You’re welcome,” Joseph smiled, reaching down and grabbing her basket for her. She seemed to get even more annoyed from that small gesture. “I can carry for you.”

“Sad how raven boys only have manners when they want something,” she snorted, yanking her basket back. “Goodbye.”

And she walked off once more. This time, however, Joseph let her go. This town was small; there was no way he wouldn’t see her again. He had to ease her into the idea of wanting him was all. He’d read and watched so many things where enemies become friends then, sometimes, lovers.

Joseph could totally work with that. Kavinsky wanted her and well, Kavinsky got what he wanted. That was how this part of his life was going to work.

So when the time came, he’d get her. Easy peasy.

Lemon fucking squeezy.

“Am I a raven boy?” he muttered in sudden questioning. What was that anyways? A woman passed him with the accent he had come to associate with the native people around here. Feisty girl had had the same accent. “Excuse me?”

The older woman paused and gave him a once-over that meant she totally didn’t want to bother talking to him. What was with these people? “Yes?”

“What’s a raven boy?”

A laugh erupted from her that Joseph totally wasn’t expecting. How was what he said funny? “Oh, you are a card.”

Adorable. Joseph was a card.

Resting a hand on his shoulder which he didn’t appreciate, the woman snorted in amusement “You Aglionby boys are!” She patted his cheek before walking off, “You silly thing.”

Never in his life had he wanted to hit a lady – except sometimes Ivet because if he was going to get hit, she deserved it back – but he was definitely considering it now. Doing a dramatic shiver in the middle of Walmart before going back to get what he came for, Joseph mocked “’You silly thing.’ Oh Jesus.”

So he was a raven boy then? Maybe a raven was Aglionshit’s mascot. He actually didn’t even know and wouldn’t need to until school started. It was truly amazing how easily the natives sniffed out raven boys. Hilarious, actually. They were like fucking bloodhounds.

Feisty may not like raven boys but he was going to get her to like this particular one. She was in his future.

Look to the future, not the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> The majority of yous are so quiet. Like 98.9%. Talk guys, I don't bite  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Oh, my dear Liam. It seems our paths are going to cross once more."_

For whatever reason, his mother looked kind of nervous. But why would she? They were fine a second ago when she woke him shouting ‘happy birthday.’ Joseph was sure that she had wanted to jump on him too. And she had been fine as she practically suffocated him in a tight hug while pressing gross kisses to his head.

He knew she made them all slobbery on purpose.

Also, his mother had been fine when she said they got to have ice cream cake for breakfast. It was all he had asked for this year for his birthday and she had met all his meager requests. So why nervous? It’s not like she had to worry about buying him the wrong present or anything. Not that she ever had before; she was the best gift giver.

Ah.

“Mayko, I’m not gonna yell at you if you bought me something.”

Face relaxing just a bit, her smile became a tad stronger on her beautiful face. “Okay, good. I was wondering how in the world I was gonna give it to you without you having a fit. You’re totally going to love it.”

“Probably,” he shrugged while licking the delicious blue cream from his spoon. “You’re the best at presents, so I expect it.”

Cutting a bite of cake, his mother said before eating it “You’re tétka was going to send something but I told her not to. I have no clue if she’ll listen or not so…prepare for that, I guess.”

Typical tétka Nikol. Birthdays in this family were always a thing they loved celebrating together so there was no way she didn’t want to at least send him something. He would bet that she had begged his mother to get him on the phone so she could wish him a happy birthday.

It was a good thing his mother was stubborn. Joseph wouldn’t have appreciated having to hear everything that he had left behind.

But…he could deal with whatever she sent. And knowing her, she definitely sent something.

“No problem,” he shrugged again. Joseph was trying to put his mother at ease and yet she still looked a little worried about something. What else could there be?

She ate the rest of her cake in silence, looking like she was thinking hard about what she wanted to say. He simply watched and waited for whatever was coming as he started his second slice of Carvel cake. Surprisingly, the Walmart frozen ones were almost as good as the ones they got fresh from the actual store.

When she finished her slice and licked her spoon clean, she sighed and rested her head on her palm, elbow seated on the tabletop. “Okay…ready for the next bit?”

“From your face and voice, I honestly have no clue.”

Straightening in her seat while rubbing and squeezing her hands together, his mother nodded before murmuring “Joseph, your bashtá sent you a gift.”

_Oh. Well then._

“I don’t want it.” He had tried convincing his mother to say Ivo instead of any sort of fatherly word – mainly bashtá because that brought happier times to his head – but she never listened. As she put it, Joseph may be pissed and hate him but whether he liked it or not, the man was still his father. “I don’t even know why he bothered. He shouldn’t have.”

Joseph would love to know what his mother was thinking right now as so many emotions filtered through her face at once. “Before you say anything, I didn’t tell him to send anything.”

“I know that,” Joseph nodded because he actually did. His mother didn’t say a word about him to Ivo ever. Maybe to his tétka no matter how much he told her not to but never Ivo. “This is just him being incredibly stupid. As if I’d accept anything he gave me. Why does he think I left behind half my shit?”

Working the side of her lip between her teeth, his mother finally replied “Do you want to see it before you say no?”

“Seriously?” Joseph snorted incredulously. There wasn’t anything Ivo could send that would make him forgive him. The only way Joseph would maybe consider forgiving him was if he groveled at his feet. But only maybe. He might change his mind about that. Maybe groveling just wasn’t enough for him to waste the time to listen. “No. I don’t give a shit whatever the fuck he thinks he can bribe me with.”

“Despite not wanting to defend him, it’s not a bribe, Joseph.”

“Then what? He just didn’t want me to think he forgot me? I’d prefer he just forgot. I don’t want whatever thing he thought-” He halted abruptly as he started to actually think. No, Ivo didn’t do bribes.

He kept promises.

“It’s a car, isn’t it.”

_“You can just save the epicness for my sixteenth. Get me my Evo.”_

_“Even better,” his father said in an excited voice, “I’ll get it for your fifteenth. That way when you practice for driving, you practice in your car.”_

_“For reals?”_

_“For damn reals, homeboy. Promise.”_

A look of surprise lit his mother’s face. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“He promised,” Joseph whispered, feeling worse than he had in weeks. All the car did was make him feel like complete depressed shit. It made him remember better times – happier times – when everything was okay.

When everything didn’t hurt so much to just think about.

“If…you don’t want it…I can try sending it back. I mean, if he shipped the car that easy, it can’t be too difficult, right?” The question was mostly directed at herself as she sat biting her nail thinking carefully. “Shipping crate probably.”

Did he want the car? It’d be pretty hypocritical to keep it but…shit, _it was an Evo._ Joseph was not only dying for a car of his own but _his car._ His Mitsu Evo that he wanted so badly to the point where he was drugging himself just to pull one out of his head. Maybe…maybe Joseph should just keep it. Who gave a fuck if he was a hypocrite?

“I want it. I don’t care whatever his gesture was supposed to be and I don’t plan on making it easier on him because of it. I just want the car. That’s it.”

With a sigh and a slow nod, his mother said “Okay. Fair enough.” She stood and walked to the door only to stop and raise a brow at him, “Don’t you want to see it?”

“Oh,” Joseph mumbled, jumping up from his seat and going to her before he came to an abrupt halt. “Cake needs to go in the freezer,” he called to her when she stopped again to look at him as he rushed back to the table. Quickly closing the box up, he pulled the freezer drawer open and carefully set his cake in. He only followed her once he was sure the freezer was closed. Nobody liked melted ice cream cake.

Stepping out of their fancy ass double front doors, Joseph stood on the porch, staring at his gift just sitting in the driveway in awe. “Holy fuck.”

His mother already had one of the doors open, looking at the interior, as Joseph came up to her. Running his hand on the sleek black roof, Joseph whispered “Shit.”

“It’s beautiful,” his mother murmured as she sat down in the driver’s seat. “I know this might sound stupid but I’m surprised it’s a four-door.”

Unlike her son and husband, his mother was so far from a car person that she was allowed to be as stupid sounding as she liked. “Because guys want sport cars with two?”

“Something like that,” she laughed as she got out, gesturing for him to take a seat. “Let’s hear it. I imagine something loud and obnoxious that gives headaches.”

“Oh God, I hope so,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh in excitement. It may be a gift from Ivo but he planned on taking full advantage. Plopping down into the beautiful racing seat, Joseph ran his hands softly along the steering wheel. “Fuck, this is sick as hell. I can’t believe this is mine.” A thought struck him as he put the key in the ignition causing him to turn to the leaning figure of his mother in the door. “I don’t have a license.”

“Yeah…that hasn’t exactly stopped you before.”

“No, I mean, whose name is it in? Can’t be mine.”

“Oh,” she nodded, understanding. “It’s in mine so when you get your license I can switch the title and insurance to you. I’ll pay for the insurance though, so don’t worry about that part.”

“How’s it in your name though?” he asked curiously. She obviously wasn’t in Jersey to sign for it. “Forged your signature?”

“Hardly the most illegal thing he’s ever done,” she snorted with an eyeroll. “It’s not a big deal. He knew it’d be easier to transfer to you this way.”

“You said you didn’t know he was sending something.”

Raising a perfect brow in question, she replied “I didn’t. I opened the door to get the newspaper this morning and was met with a very cheerful delivery guy with a big ass semi on the street saying he had a wonderful gift for me. I sign, he gives us ‘my’ car.”

“It doesn’t bother you that he forged your signature? How do you know he doesn’t do that for other stuff?” Joseph couldn’t get over it. Yes, it was not even close to the worst illegal thing Ivo had ever done but still.

“He always tells me before he does. Except this time obviously. But it’s not important. We’re supposed to be gushing over your car. Now turn it on.”

“Yes ma’am,” he saluted before turning the key and bringing the beauty to life. “Oh…my…shit…” he whispered in awe as he listened to the rumbling of the engine. Despite all the shit with Ivo, he couldn’t help but add “I fucking love it.”

“Well, you can drive us around in it today. I’m a bit worried being in a car with you but…”

“C’mon, mayko” Joseph snorted in amusement. “I’ve been driving for two months now and doing a really good job. Don’t start the whole ‘you’re a bad driver’ shit with me. Anywhere you wanna go, I am your taxi for the day.” He set his hand on the gear stick, totally ready right this second without brushing his teeth from overly sweet cake.

Except…he had a problem, he realized.

Looking down at the stick, Joseph bit his lip in annoyance. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but dammit.

No driving yet.

“I…” Joseph started in an embarrassed voice, “can’t drive stick.” His mother’s Audi was automatic and when Joseph had learned, the Camry had also been automatic. The concept of driving stick shift he actually knew; it was all about how fast you were going. But he had never put these concepts to use.

“Dilemma,” his mother laughed. “Neither do I so I believe you have some practicing to do before we embark on our taxi trip, huh?”

That was definitely something that needed to happen.

For the entire afternoon, Joseph spent his time teaching himself to drive stick. He felt like he was doing well although sometimes he didn’t shift as clean and effortlessly as he’d like. For now, he was sticking to the lower gears and speeds before he moved up. Joseph wanted a handle on basic shifting before he tried to go higher. The last thing he wanted was to screw up his car.

Reaching his fairgrounds, Joseph parked and got out before going over to his crappy dream Evo. Should he still keep trying anyways? You never knew when you might need a new car right? But then, he had a brand spanking new car right behind him. Why would he need another?

“If anything,” he murmured to himself as he stared at his horrible creation, “I can just keep practicing for the hell of it. I mean, that’s how I started with people and look what happened.” _I ended up needing one…_

So he’ll keep trying then.

Turning back to look at his new car, Joseph wondered if he should get the color changed. It looked sick as fuck in black but black was Ivo’s color. What Joseph wanted was as much distance as possible between him and the horrible man.

So no black car. It was a rebellion in a small sort of way.

“Maybe white? That’d be the ultimate rebellion.” But white was so plain…where the hell was the fun in white? “Okay…maybe white and something…pattern maybe? That could look good depending what it was…”

Maybe he could do a white car with a black design? That’d look pretty cool. But what could the design be? Scratching his head as he walked back to his Evo, Joseph figured it’d come to him eventually. Right about now would have been a good time to have Anka and her creativity around.

Too bad.

After a blunt while staring up at the sky and thinking on the mysteries of dreams, Joseph made his way home, being sure to shift with care. Being an expert like Ivo was going to take some time and lots of practice. _All in good time, I guess._

“How long have you been sitting there?” Joseph asked his mother as he walked into his room, finding her sitting on his bed. She was doing something on her phone while his gift was beside her, all wrapped up in blue.

“Not as long as you might thing,” she replied, distracted by her phone as he put his wallet and keys in the top drawer of his nightstand. “Can’t wait ‘til you drool over my gift.”

“I’m sure I will,” he replied in surety because there was no way he wouldn’t with whatever it was. He set his watch next to the lamp on his nightstand and was about to change when his mother suddenly sat up and yanked him closer by his shirt. “Uh…” The confusion only lasted a second as he realized what she was doing. Maybe he should have let himself air a little longer.

She was grinding her jaw but was surprisingly silent, releasing his shirt and slightly shoving him. “Change out of that crap. We’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

Nodding and thankful that she didn’t want his birthday to end with fighting, Joseph shucked off his shirt before grabbing a clean one from his drawer. He changed his shorts too just for good measure and put his weed smelling clothes into the laundry before sitting down on the bed beside her. “Can I see my present now,” he murmured when she stayed silent.

Sighing and looking more exhausted than she had only seconds ago, she grabbed the long box beside her and handed it over. “Hope you like it.”

Joseph ripped the wrapping paper off, his hands freezing when he could see what it was even though he hadn’t removed all the paper. “Shit.”

“Thought you might like your own instead of using mine.”

Tearing off the rest of the wrapping from his new Macbook, Joseph nodded, not having the words to express his delight. Opening the box and removing all the protective shit, he stared down at the laptop in his hands. “Fuck.”

Yeah, that was all he was capable of right now.

“I’m gonna take that as the good kind,” his mother snorted as she rested her head on his shoulder. “Nice?”

“I love it,” he said, his voice filled with the amazement he was feeling. Setting the box and computer beside him on the bed, he hugged his mother tight, resting his head on her shoulder. “Thank you, mayko.”

She kissed the side of his head and clutched him tight. “You’re very welcome. Happy birthday, my beautiful boy.” Kissing his head again and hugging him even tighter, she repeated “Happy birthday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“If that girl doesn’t become some famous artist, I’ll be offended.”_

Breakfast had been uncomfortable. Like so extremely uncomfortable that Joseph hadn’t even been able to meet his mother’s eyes or eat his food.

That uncomfortable.

When the stifling silence continued as they cleaned up, Joseph had finally broken the tension.

_“Could be worse,” he mumbled ever so softly. That way if she didn’t hear, then oh well. At least he had tried._

_But from the way she slammed a fork into the drawer, Joseph was positive she had heard. However, she kept her unwavering silence as she grabbed the plates from the dish rack to put away._

_“You…gonna spend the day not talking to me?” Not something he’d like._

_After closing the cupboard, she rested her elbows on the counter and set her head on her fists. It took a couple seconds but finally, with her eyes closed tight, she said “How long.”_

_Figuring she was talking about how long he had been smoking, Joseph answered “No more than a month. Maybe like three weeks? I’m not sure on the exact date…”_

_She nodded, her head still rested on her hands and her eyes shut. “So what? Go out, smoke, and call it a day? Air out before I smell the stench on you?”_

_“Something like that,” he whispered, waiting for her to blow on him. “Like I said, could be something worse. Weed’s not that bad, mayko.”_

_“No, of course not,” she snorted sarcastically. “It’s not an illegal drug or anything. Nothing that can land you in jail.”_

_Okay, so maybe that was a good point. “Mayko, it’s just a joint. Maybe two.” Or more, but Joseph definitely wasn’t going to mention it. “It’s really not that huge of an issue. Again, just weed. And it’s not like I go smoke in public places to get caught.” He shrugged and added “Literally no one’s around where I smoke.” It wasn’t an abandoned fairground for nothing._

_“That doesn’t make it okay!” she finally yelled as her head flew up and she turned to face him. His mother’s eyes were lit with anger which Joseph had expected for when she found out. He hadn’t expected the tinges of worry he found there though. Stupid him, really, because why wouldn’t she be? “Joseph, sweetheart, it’s not just about getting caught! Do you know how bad that crap is for you? For your lungs? And what about your pills? Do you even know how it’s been affecting them and you?”_

_Another round of yelling then. She wasn’t going to like his answer. “I stopped taking them.” Turns out Joseph was wrong because that sentence struck her into complete silence so he continued on. “I never liked taking them anyways and I think them and weed weren’t mixing well…”_

_One look from her killed his words._

_“So stop taking the more important one? Not the one that’s completely detrimental to your health?”_

_“Technically, marijuana is used medically so…”_

_Grinding her jaw with her hands on her hips and her eyes something fierce, his mother ground out “Do I look like I’m in the mood for a smartass?”_

_“No,” he mumbled as he tore a hole in his lip and played nervously with the hem of his shirt. “But really, mayko, it’s not a huge issue. It’s not like I’m…” Joseph tried grasping something drastic, “It’s not like I’m snorting coke. That would be an issue, yes. But weed is just weed.”_

_Shaking her head while crossing her arms and sighing, his mother said nothing as she walked past him and up the stairs to her room._

While the conversation hadn’t been pretty, Joseph figured it could have gone way worse. After giving Peanut the brushing of a lifetime and telling her that he needed to find her a new doctor that lived around here, Joseph grabbed both keys and wallet after changing. He had needed some air and well, if he found a vet as he drove around, bonus for him and Peanut.

Blasting Bulgarian hip hop from his lovely system because Joseph was very proud of his heritage, he came to a stop at this little corner store that looked like one of those knick knack places. It looked weird from the outside but he was convinced they’d have something interesting inside. He wanted to find some sort of apology thing to give to his mother and unique was always better. Maybe a whale of some sort? If he was lucky, they sold glass figurines and if Joseph was even luckier, they had a whale one.

Two of his mother’s favorite things.

Locking his car once he shut the door, Joseph walked into the shop, a little bell chiming over his head as he did. The place kind of reminded him of that time he and his mother went to antique stores in New York.

“Hello!” a girl standing behind a glass counter called with a smiled. She had long brown waves flowing down her back with sparkling hazel eyes. The girl was pretty but Joseph had his mind still set on Feisty. If shit didn’t work, maybe he’d bounce to this girl.

But shit would totally work. He wasn’t worried.

“Hello,” he replied, full blown smile already plastered on his face. “You wouldn’t happen to sell anything that’s a whale, would you?”

Leaning on her arm rested on the counter, the girl made a dramatic thinking face while winking at him. Kind of weird how he wanted the girl who was very obviously not interested in him instead of trying with someone who was. “I might.”

“We do,” came a grumbly voice from the back of the store. An older gentleman walked over, giving the girl a look like he didn’t like her flirting with him. Joseph didn’t blame the guy; he wasn’t a good person to bother flirting with. But ‘murderer’ and ‘asshole’ weren't branded on his forehead so no one would ever know until they started talking to him. The asshole part, not the murderer one. No one would _ever_ know about that. “Anything in specific?”

Shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans, Joseph replied “Glass figurine would be nice.”

“I’ve got a couple,” the man nodded as he gestured for Joseph to follow. The girl winked to him again with a huge smile as he passed. Joseph gave his own smile in return. “Maia, go finish packing the stockroom, please.”

Sighing, the girl muttered ‘okay’ before heading on her way, grumbling something like ‘ruining my chances.’

Poor thing didn’t know that there was never a chance. You didn’t win Kavinsky over, that wasn’t how this worked. No, Kavinsky chose and then took.

Right now, Kavinsky chose punk rocker girl. So when the time came, he’d take.

Pointing at a tall bookcase, the man said “Bottom two shelves are all sea animals. Check what you like.”

“Thank you,” he called after the guy who left so quick. Why build a rich boys school in the middle of redneck world? Especially because said rednecks resented outsiders very existences.

Crouching to examine his choices of sea animals, Joseph’s hand went for a humpback whale that was supposed to look like it was breaching from the ‘water’ of its stand. It was pink and beautiful and he sure as fuck was getting it. As far as apologies went, he was sure this one would be perfect. He flipped the glass figure to see the price and was shocked when it had a three-digit number. Was this shit usually so expensive?

Jesus fuck.

Yeah, he wasn’t carrying that much money with him. Did normal Aglionby boys? Jesus. He’d have to get with it then. But who walked around with that much cash? _Debit cards probably._ Okay, so he’d need one of those too.

Sighing as he stood and walked over to the old man who now took over the girl’s position, Joseph handed him the whale. “Can I put this on hold for a couple hours?”

“Don’t do holds.”

He’d bet money that that was a load of bullshit. The guy probably didn’t do holds for raven boys is what he meant. “Please? I won’t be long, I just have to get the rest of the price. I didn’t bring that much.”

The words made the man laugh and Joseph was reminded of the woman in Walmart. He knew for a fact that he was not that funny and these people constantly laughing at him was making him pissed. “An Aglionby boy without enough money? Do you know how many times I’ve been told by one of yous how easily they could buy and sell me? Not even my store, but me.”

“Sounds like the endorsement of slavery to me,” Joseph snorted with an eyeroll. Those people sounded like idiots if that was the best way they flaunted their money. That wasn’t even a joke because people were still bought and sold like slaves. Ivo had literally bought people before.

But not in the way people would think.

_“You…just said you want the whole family…” Joseph trailed in confusion. He could handle knowing his father ran guns, drugs, and money but he drew a line at people. “Like a human family.”_

_Turning in surprise, his father pocketed his phone and tilted his head. “What have I said about eavesdropping?”_

_“Doesn’t count if you leave the door open.” Joseph had come to ask his father something and found him speaking on his phone in his office._

_About buying people._

_“Fair enough,” his father nodded as he pulled out his chair and sat down. “I did say the whole family.”_

_Well then. “You…buy people? How could you?” He’d never been so disgusted in his life._

_With a sigh, his father replied “Joseph, do you actually believe I buy slaves?”_

_“Unless you have a really good explanation for what you just said,” he snorted while crossing his arms. “Although, there isn’t one that I could possibly even think of.”_

_“Yes, I buy people. And yes, that sounds horrible at face value. But I’m actually helping these people.”_

_“How’s that even possible when you’re buying them like they’re some object,” Joseph couldn’t help but snap. His father wasn’t someone he was supposed to snap at but seriously, there wasn’t a chance he could hold himself back at hearing this._

_“Watch your tone,” his father warned before continuing. “There are a lot of people who, very similar to my own story, need to get out of their country because of bad situations. These people don’t have the time or money to go about it legally or have been denied legally. They go through lesser means of getting here like smugglers or becoming something like indentured servants. For some people, those methods work and they get here safe and sound. That doesn’t work for everyone. Some people are forced into slavery – most of the time women and girls – and are sold or forced in whore houses.”_

_Trying to think of a better reason for his father buying people, Joseph murmured “So you buy those people and…help?”_

_“Exactly. Obviously, I can’t go around saving everyone but I try to help as many people that come from Eastern Europe as I can. Buy them and then set them up with a place to live and a job that doesn’t include sex or degrading themselves.”_

_“There’s no way you can pay for all that though,” Joseph countered._

_“Very true,” his father nodded as he set a foot on his knee. “That’s why once they have a stable job, ten percent of their monthly earnings comes back to me as a thank you. When the year finishes, the mob gets another fifteen percent of the entire year’s earnings.”_

_“So you take their hard earned money.”_

_Shrugging, his father responded “Do you think they prefer, usually, sexual servitude and daily dangers or safety and a roof over their head with their pay docked? I believe you’ll find the answer to be the latter.”_

“Look, just an hour,” Joseph sighed in hopes that this man would give in. If it were the girl, she’d give him a whole fucking week. “I’ll…pay a deposit fee or something. Twenty bucks extra for holding it.”

The man seemed to like the idea. “Thirty and you have exactly an hour. Also, the thirty up front.”

“Fine, fine,” Joseph grumbled as he pulled out his wallet and gave the stupid guy more than half the cash in his pocket. “I’ll be back.”

Once he had returned with money in hand, Joseph was in the process of buying the beautiful figurine when his eye caught on a little flyer pile sitting on the counter. It was one of those coupons for fireworks – the small pathetic kinds of course – telling people to get ready for the Fourth of July.

Crap to another holiday then. Joseph’s family loved the Fourth of July almost as much as they loved doing birthdays. Christmas barely beat out the two. Usually for the Fourth, Ivo would acquire piles of illegal fireworks and they’d go to their special spot all the way in Pennsylvania.

There wouldn’t be any of that this year for him or his mother. He wondered if everyone back in Jersey would carry on the tradition or not.

“You guys have firework shows for the Fourth?” Joseph asked as he set the flyer back neatly in the pile.

“County show you can see over at the courthouse. It’s nice.” The man was much more chatty now that Joseph had paid him over a hundred bucks. “That’s it though. Over twelve feet is illegal around here and the stores don’t sell much.”

“They’re sooo boring,” the girl complained as she walked back over, having finished stocking probably. “I’d love to just once see something interesting. Big explosions and beautiful bright colors.”

“I like the county show,” the man said while wrapping the whale carefully so it wouldn’t break. “Of course, there are some people around here who do their own. I don’t know why they waste their time.”

The girl, Maia if he remembered right, came and leaned beside him, ‘casually’ giving her long hair a flip. “Some of the guys from Aglionby get illegal ones and light them. Don’t know from where though. My friend’s boyfriend is gonna get some just for us this year because our parents don’t let us go to their parties.”

“Bummer,” Joseph replied, trying not to sound as interested as he was. There was something here that he could do, an idea taking shape in his head. It’d make his name big, inflate it to gigantic proportions.

Get him known.

Snorting, the man said as he handed Joseph his change “There’s a good reason, Maia. Bad things happen at those parties. I don’t even like Eva’s boyfriend but at least he seems slightly decent compared to others.”

Joseph flicked a curious glance between the two people who you could tell were relatives. Maia caught his glance and answered the unspoken question. “Uncle. My mom has a doctor’s appointment and dad went with her.”

Nodding and wondering if she’d give him her social security number from how easily she trusted and gave out information, Joseph took his bag from the man. “Well, this is my first fourth here. We’ll see how it goes. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. Thank you,” he added as he walked towards the door with his prize.

“Hope to see you again!” Maia called as he walked out. He gave her a half-hearted wave that he didn’t mean as he unlocked his car only to stop in his tracks. He put his gift in before walking back to the store, going in with the sound of the bell. “Yes?” Maia asked excitedly.

“Your friend…Eva was it?” Maia nodded, questioning written all over her face. “What’s her boyfriend’s name? Who knows, might need him for fireworks.”

“Yeah, good idea!” Poor girl probably thought Joseph was going a roundabout way of being interested in her. “Liam. Tall, blonde, and handsome as Eva likes to put it. Drives this beautiful car. I think a Porsche. Dad actually let him take me and Eva to the theater in it.”

A huge smile erupted on Joseph’s face. Perfect. “Liam, huh? I’ll, uh, keep my eyes open for him then. Thanks again.”

Getting into his car with the smile still on his face, Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he turned it on and backed out of the parking space. “Oh, my dear Liam. It seems our paths are going to cross once more. Can’t wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“I’m hijacking your yearly party.”_

Deciding to find a vet and Liam before going home, Joseph drove on through town, slowly getting better at shifting. With practice, one got better at what they were doing which was the same with driving. One day, he’d be so good that he’d race someone.

And win of course.

Joseph had no idea if there were people who raced around here but with all those Aglionby boys and their fancy cars, there had to be someone. Not too far off from the fairgrounds, Joseph had found what seemed to be a drag strip. The weeds and grass were overgrown but the place looked to be alright. Disused maybe, but that was it.

Maybe he’d bring it back from disuse.

Joseph wasn’t exactly sure where he was supposed to find Liam because it wasn’t a school day and he didn’t know the guy and his habits. He could just wait until the weekend was over but that felt too long. There was a plan in his head and every detail needed to be planned out as soon as possible.

Liam was one of those details.

As he was driving around, Joseph ended up passing an animal hospital. Making a u-turn, he drove back and went in, signing up Peanut like the good parent he was. However, he only signed her up _after_ checking out the place and speaking to the current day’s vet. Seems they had two and if Peanut had to see the other one, then Joseph was going to subject them to an interview first. The facility seemed clean and the doctor genuinely caring so he filled out the paperwork for his spoiled brat as he decided that he’d bring her in for a check-up next week. Joseph wanted to be sure that the move hadn’t been too stressful on her health, although, she seemed perfectly well.

But you never knew. It was always better to be safe rather than sorry.

Once that was taken care of and realizing that he was surprisingly hungry, Joseph pulled into the parking lot of a burger place that looked good and actually smelled it too. He could literally smell the fries from here. Out of his car and locking it up, he noticed something that made him smile once he turned towards the building.

Perfect.

Walking over to the stunning Carrera, Joseph ran his hand along the roof in admiration before leaning up against it, facing the building. He made sure to have a huge smirk on his face as Liam caught sight of him from inside. Giving a little wave, Joseph mouthed _Hey, princess._ There was a part of him that lit up in glee upon seeing the distress on Liam’s classically featured face. The guys who were sitting with him saw him too and even they looked worried. Or maybe it was annoyed.

Whatever. _Already making a name for myself. Perfect._

It looked like Liam sighed before he and the other two guys got up, resigned to talking to him, and cleaning the table before coming out. “What,” Liam muttered as he walked over to Joseph, his buddies behind him. “The fuck you want.”

“Well, my dear dear Liam, maybe I just wanted to see your lovely face! Is that wrong?”

Sighing again, Liam leaned on his car beside Joseph, crossing his arms, not in anger, but defensively like they’d protect him. “Seriously, dude, what do you want?”

“So unfun,” Joseph mock cried as he rested an arm around Liam’s shoulder. The other boy seemed extremely uncomfortable by this gesture but didn’t move. “Look, it’s simple. I just need a favor is all.”

“I don’t have any more weed right now, okay? You took everything I had and I’m not getting more for a while.”

“Not what I was looking for right now, actually,” Joseph shrugged. That wasn’t a problem for at least another month. Or at least until Joseph learned to dream his own. If he could dream working pills, then he can damn sure dream some pot. “Nah, I heard something through the grapevine. Tell me about your fireworks.”

“Fireworks?” Liam replied in questioning. “What about them? Illegal around here, no fun ones either. You’re better off-” He immediately stopped speaking as Joseph flicked out his knife, not putting it on the other boy but just brandishing it like he was looking. “Um…”

“Keep going. Tell me more and well, tell me the truth.”

Clearing his throat, Liam stuck his hands in his pockets and mumbled “I get a couple illegal ones from my dad.”

“Nice,” Joseph nodded, still looking at the knife like he’d never seen it before. “Guess what I’m going to say now, Liam my buddy.”

“You want some?”

Joseph clucked his tongue to the negative as he flipped the knife closed. “I want _them._ Not just some, princess. All.”

“But-” The other boy’s voice died in his throat when Joseph opened the knife again. “I…I was saving them for me and girlfriend to do together, alright? Her friend too. They can’t come to the party me and a couple other guys always do so…”

“You were being a sweet boyfriend,” Joseph nodded solemnly. “Commendable. Really. But ask me if I give a shit if you’re sweet or not.”

For some reason, one of his buddies thought it was his place to answer. “You know what? No one gives a shit what you want. Who the fuck do you think you are, Jersey trash?”

Raising an unamused brow at the freaky buff dude in front of him, Joseph replied “Well, who do you think you are? What the fuck are you anyways? What the hell kind of high schooler needs muscles like that?”

The kid looked pretty proud at being recognized as built. But then, how could someone not? The fucker was huge. “I’m a lacrosse player who can kick your sorry scrawny ass.”

“Fascinating,” he shrugged because he wasn’t even worried. In this situation, Joseph was the one with the knife. Knives generally won. “Truly, truly is. Anyways,” Joseph laughed as he turned back to sweet Liam, “I need fireworks. You’re going to get me fireworks. I don’t care if their yours or not, just get me some by next week. You can keep yours for Eva and Maia.”

A look mixed with confusion and worry crept onto the blonde boy’s face. “How…”

Patting his cheek, Joseph whispered “I know everything, princess.” He didn’t but hey, no one actually knew that. “Remember that.”

“I have the urge to break your face in right now,” Lacrosse boy interrupted with a fierce snarl. “Do you know that?”

Giving one last pat to Liam, Joseph turned his attention to the almost raging dude before him. Despite himself and despite the past two months he’s spent on killing his disgusting thoughts…

The guy was something.

Which was very bad because Joseph wasn’t supposed to be getting attracted to guys anymore. His focus was the girl with the weirdest sense of style and fiercest attitude. Not this…sexy looking Asian guy.

Fuck.

“Totally sensed it,” he smiled, acting like he wasn’t just thinking about how much he might like those muscles. Joseph wasn’t going to allow himself to fall into that hole again. No fucking way. “Because I know everything, remember? But despite how much you’d love to cause me bodily harm…you won’t. Because you’re not that stupid.”

His gaze flicked for a second to the knife then back to Joseph as he nodded. “I’m not stupid at all.”

“Great! Fantastic!” Joseph focused back on silent Liam, “So what are you gonna do for me, baby?”

“Fireworks. As much as I can. By next week,” Liam mumbled in such a sad voice that Joseph almost wanted to feel bad for exploiting and threatening him.

Only almost.

Because Kavinsky relished in that sadness. Thrived for the pain he was causing.

And this was Kavinsky’s show from now on.

 

 

“Mayko!” he called as he walked into the house, his gift in hand. There was no way she wouldn’t love it. Hanging his keys on one of the little hooks they had by the door, he set the bag down on the entryway table as he checked out the mail he had brought in. “Commercial…ads…commercial…” his hands froze their filing work as he stared down at an envelope with his name on it.

He knew the handwriting.

Joseph put the rest of the mail on the table beside his bag before carefully opening the card-sized envelope. From it, he pulled out two things as his mother came down the stairs with Peanut behind her, calling a hello. If he were paying attention to her instead of being frozen by what was in his hand, he’d notice that she didn’t sound angry or upset anymore. That was always a good thing.

The card was beautiful and Joseph knew it would be because nobody that he knew was as good as Anka at this stuff. It was handmade; the front done with what he thought was watercolor, blotches of color on the white heavy paper. There were thorned vines working their way along the border with black roses in the corners. It was their thing, their design for when they got their matching tattoos. They wanted vines crawling along an arm with black roses growing on them. It was both a homage to their heritage and their grandfather – rose for Bulgaria and black because of his grandfather’s casino The Black Sea Rose. The black also brought in the Black Sea where his grandfather’s hometown bordered.

In the middle, there were the simple words of ‘Happy Birthday’ done in gold ink calligraphy. Anka had definitely gone all out because he knew how much she didn’t like to use her gold ink because it was so expensive.

Jumping a little when his mother was suddenly wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his arm, Joseph bit his lip and whispered “It’s beautiful. Even better than if they had sent a gift.”

“If that girl doesn’t become some famous artist, I’ll be offended.”

“So true,” Joseph laughed as he wiped a stray tear trying to break free. Just this simple thing brought on so many thoughts and memories. Opening the card, Joseph read the paragraph left for him silently as Peanut sat on his foot, purring in content. Why, he had no idea because sitting on a shoe wasn’t comfortable at all.

_Dear Joseph,_

_Happy birthday! We honestly have no clue if this will get to you on time but close enough will be fine. We’ve spent the past two weeks trying to convince your mom to let us send you something but she kept saying no and you wouldn’t want that. We all figured a card couldn’t hurt. Anka spent a week sketching and painting the perfect idea. (I’m actually the one writing this if you didn’t recognize my writing. We all know that everyone else’s handwriting sucks. My parents said I have to write like we’re all talking because we are and I can’t take credit for everything even though I want to.) Hope you love it and we all miss you so much that you have no clue. ~~If you’d just talk on the goddamn phone, it wouldn’t kill you.~~ _

“Five dollars tétka saw her write that and crossed it out,” Joseph snorted in amusement through the silent tears sliding down his face.

“Should’ve used pencil not pen,” his mother said as she stretched up and kissed his cheek before wiping away his tears. “She probably didn’t want Anka to start going on a rant.”

_I hope you know we all love you and really want to see and hear from you. Also, Anka is offended she didn’t get her own letter and Andrey says that if you didn’t know, he kept his promise. Mayko really wants to hear from you and tatko wants you to know that he beat up your dad for you._

“Tetíncho…” Joseph trailed in shock, staring at the words like he imagined them.

He could feel his mother nodding against his arm. “Day we left. Almost was tried for treason for it but your bashtá wouldn’t let them. Raul also did later that day.”

Mr. Vidal beat up a mob boss for him.

Damn.

“You didn’t tell me anything.”

With a shrug, his mother replied “Your bashtá doesn’t get to hear about you and you don’t need the headache of hearing about him. Simple as that.”

Shaking his head as Joseph still tried to wrap his mind around this new information, he turned back to the card.

_Me and Andrey don’t talk to your dad anymore and mayko only does it when she has too and tatko for work. We’re all on your side._

_Anyways, we all really want to hear from you and hope you have a nice birthday. Don’t forget us just because you’re far away because we think of you every day._

_Love,_

_Anka, Andrey, Albena, Timotei, tétka Nikol, and tetíncho Yulian_

Everyone had signed their own names, Joseph being able to recognize each one’s handwriting, besides for Timotei who it looked like his tétka wrote. It wasn’t the poor child’s fault; he’d be surprised if the two-year-old even noticed Joseph and his mother weren’t around anymore.

_P.S. We couldn’t get over not buying you something so spend the money on something super nice_

The second thing that had been in the envelope was a hundred dollar bill. What he’d do with it, Joseph wasn’t sure but the thought was sweet of them. Maybe he’d just buy Peanut something. Actually, a lot of somethings. “No offense to my amazing laptop but this is even better than it and the car combined.”

“I actually agree,” his mother murmured as he handed her the card to look at closer. “It’s absolutely beautiful. I love it.”

“You and me both,” he whispered as he picked Peanut up and cuddled her close. She liked when he’d pull his shirt up so he could wrap her in it like some pouch thing but this was one of his nicer shirts. He didn’t want to stretch it just so she could get swaddled. “You’re so fucking spoiled,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he poked Peanut in the nose. “Pampered brat.”

“Annoying pampered brat,” his mother snorted as she put the card back in its envelope. “You should hang it or something.” She grabbed the bag holding her whale off the table, “What’s this?’

Looking up from poking Peanut again and again, Joseph replied “Oh, that’s for you. I bought it for you. Um…like an apology for…being a weed smoking ass?”

Sighing as she stuck her hand into the bag, she asked “You’re not going to stop, are you? What is it?” His mother held up the figurine that was still covered with the ‘safety’ paper. Ripping it off carefully, she took a sharp breath as she looked at it. “Wow...sweetheart, this is stunning.”

“Wait!” he said quickly when he remembered he hadn’t taken off the price. She didn’t need to know how much he spent on it. Taking it and flipping it over after putting Peanut on the floor, he ripped the little tag off before handing it back with a smile. “Okay, now enjoy it.”

With a smile and her emerald eyes sparkling, she took it back and checked it out. “L-o-v-e it. Like so much.”

“Don’t see why you had to spell but score for me,” Joseph said in response with a small laugh. “I knew I was awesome in your eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Don't forget Snapshots are always open and that everyone likes kudos and comments. If you're enjoying the story, at least hit the kudos button so I know. There's so little feedback from you guys (thanks goes to Goldfish, inwaytodeepopps. Also Saffooo and SomethinglikePynch) that I'm just like.....okaayyyyy. Does the story suck???
> 
> Anyways, enjoy
> 
> _"You bring me shit, I give you even better."_

“Nice,” Joseph nodded as he looked in the small trunk of Liam’s Porsche. “But is this really all you could get your hands on?”

In reality, Liam had done a good job getting him fireworks. They were all the large kinds that he remembered doing with his family. There were maybe twelve which seemed like a good number to him when they exploded so huge. Maybe he should get some small ones too? Probably would be a good idea… Pass them out or something?

Running a hand through his silky hair that Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if he blow dried or not, Liam replied “Okay, so…I kept a few. Like literally a few. Only three. I already promised Eva months ago and I’m not breaking that promise.”

Nodding once more as he checked out his new stash again, Joseph pulled out one of the fireworks and handed it to Liam. He couldn’t be a complete asshole. It was yellow and orange so he wasn’t really going to miss it anyways. Until he established himself, Liam was someone he needed. “One on me.”

He was still staring at the firework in surprise but eventually Liam smiled and said “Uh, thanks! Do you need help loading…?”

Shrugging and grabbing a few before walking to his own car, Joseph called behind himself “If you’re feeling extra helpful.” The fact that Joseph had a high school junior under his thumb was not lost on him. How many kids could manage that? Joseph wasn’t even a freshman yet and he had the seventeen year old wary of him.

Talk about skill.

“So what are you going to do with these anyways?”

Blondie probably wasn’t going to be happy right now. “I’m hijacking your yearly party.”

Liam let out a huge huff that was just suffocating in annoyance but he didn’t protest as he set his load of fireworks in the trunk. “Guess I’m in charge of invites?”

“Yessir,” Joseph answered as he grabbed another handful and set them in his trunk. This party would become his thing – what everyone would know Kavinsky for.

It was perfect. Put on a show, make a name, become everything everyone’s jealous of and wants to hate but also wants to be

Become Kavinsky.

“You got a location?” Liam asked once they finished, shutting his Porsche’s trunk. For someone who didn’t like him, Liam sure seemed to like to be helpful. “I usually use this huge ass parking lot little past downtown. Fits a good hundred people, sometimes more depending.”

Joseph would need much more space than that. Aglionby alone had at least a thousand students. The other high school probably had more being that it was public and was where all the girls attended. Anka would be so offended that they only made Aglionby for boys. Hell, she’d probably say that it was wasted on them being that girls were smarter than guys. Sometimes, Joseph completely agreed.

So he couldn’t have just a small place for all these people. No, what he needed was something bigger and better to make sure he brought in everyone he could.

Joseph needed them all.

“Thanks but I’m checking out something already…” he trailed as he thought about the drag strip he had found not too far from the fairgrounds. It didn’t seem like it was used much so there couldn’t be a problem from him using it, could there? The place needing lighting but other than that…

It could work.

What Joseph also needed to do was get people’s attention. Having Liam’s word backing him up was good but people weren’t just going to come from the junior’s word alone.

A trial run was needed. Practice party. The Fourth was a little more than two weeks away…

“Next week.”

With a brow raised while leaning on his car, Liam asked “What’s next week?”

Leaning on his own car as he bit his lip and had his brows drawn in with deep thought, Joseph replied “Party. People aren’t just gonna show up because you say something. They need sort of like a promise that it’s worth their time.”

Nodding as he now too thought, Liam crossed his arms as he chewed on his thumbnail. It was cute that he seemed like he was genuinely worried about helping. Hopefully the idiot wouldn’t think that they were going to become friends or something.

Joseph didn’t do friends anymore.

“First time I did a party, there was the promise of weed and alcohol. They need an incentive to get them coming, you know?”

“Okay,” Joseph murmured as he continued thinking. “So I need something to get them…” Drugs and alcohol were a teenage dream – not his but that didn’t matter. The drugs he could do; he had pulled out his first batch of successful weed yesterday. It had the same exact effects and properties as real marijuana. He also had the pills he did but those were specialized for dreaming. If Joseph wanted to promise pills, he needed to make different ones. Then there were the drinks. “How’d you get your alcohol?”

“My dad,” Liam yawned with a shrug.

Joseph didn’t think he had a fake id so that seemed like the right answer. Except… “I thought you board? What, he brings shit when he visits?” Also, what kind of father just gave out alcohol to his kid? Ivo being Ivo and yet even he put his alcohol under lock and key.

“Something like that. I’m a bastard child, Kavinsky. Bastard children need to be silenced so they don’t ask for money. Plus, my mom didn’t want me anyways. ‘Have a life’ or whatever.”

“So…your dad bribes you with lots of illegal shit and lets you do what you want as a way to convince you to board here and keep your existence quiet?” Damn. Joseph actually felt kind of bad for the other boy.

“Pretty much. Lucky me, right?”

Was it better to just naturally be unwanted or to become unwanted after you had the taste of what a relationship was like? He felt like losing the relationship was worse because you knew exactly what you had lost. “Damn. I’d say ‘sorry’ but no point in lying. But I kinda feel for you if that counts for anything.”

“Jordan offered to beat the shit out of him the next time he came for a visit but I said no.”

Knowing his face looked as confused as he felt, Joseph said “Jordan is…”

With a roll of his deep blue eyes, Liam snorted “You’ve met him. He hangs with me all the time.” When Joseph still looked lost, Liam added “Buff Asian?”

“Ah,” Joseph nodded. Buff Asian. He didn’t like buff Asian. The asshole caused Joseph to have thoughts he swore he wouldn’t have anymore. What was worse was that because he hadn’t seen Feisty since that first time, the thoughts invaded his head regularly without her to distract them. The sooner he saw her again, definitely the better. “Don’t like that dude.”

“Too bad,” Liam said with a one shoulder shrug. “He likes you just fine.”

His heart literally stopped beating. “What?”

“Jordan. He thinks you’re badass as fuck. Hot too.”

What the almighty holy fuck.

He knew that he looked like a deer caught in headlights right now but there was no way he could fix his face. This was just pure insanity. “He’s a fag?”

“Dare you to say that to his face,” Liam laughed. “I’m not telling you so you can make homophobic dumbass issues. Just sayin’ is all. Case you go that way or whatever.”

“I don’t fucking go that way,” he snarled as he got in Liam’s face, finger pressing hard against the other boy’s chest. He left that part of him, those nasty truths, behind in Jersey. Dead in his room where he had died.

There was no fucking way in all holy hell that he was going to let them be rebirthed here.

Swallowing and looking a little worried, Liam stuttered “I-I didn’t mean nothin’ by it! I-I swear. Just forget I said shit. Really.” Joseph lowered his finger but kept glaring at the slightly trembling boy before him. “Let’s talk party, yeah? You need one, you’re right. It’s a good idea. Next week is great. Friday is best. I-I’ll bring the drinks and some weed. I’ll even get the word around.”

Well, that worked. Joseph had been planning on telling Liam to handle the alcohol but weed was welcome too. That way he didn’t have to exhaust his already exhausted brain. Backing up a bit to give Liam some breathing room, Joseph replied “Sounds good. They use the drag strip around here?”

“We…have a drag strip?”

That answered his question then. “Give me your phone.”

“Aw, c’mon! Can’t you buy one instead of jacking mine?” Liam grumbled but nonetheless he pulled his out of his pocket and handed it over. “I at least want the pictures of me and Eva.”

Sighing and shaking his head as he typed his number in as a new contact, Joseph said in a tired tone “Fuckwad, I don’t want your phone. I’m giving you my fucking number. I’ll text you when I got place and time set up, you tell everyone.” He handed the phone back, “Deal?”

Relief washed over Liam’s face. “Oh, okay. Then yeah, sounds great.”

 

 

The next few days were a matter of prepping and preparing. Obviously Joseph told his mother nothing about having a party, especially one that included drugs and alcohol. Liam had sent him pictures of the insane amount of alcohol he and Jordan had procured so Joseph wasn’t worried about that part. The blonde had also sent him pictures of the weed he could manage. It wasn’t much but it was decent enough to add to the stash Joseph had built up. He kept a storage bin filled with bags of joints in his closet. Ten to a bag because it was both easier for him to be able to count and also, when the time came, to distribute. Joseph wanted at least another four bags as extras because he had no clue who would actually show up or who would bring extra people.

As for the pills, the stash was _much_ smaller. Like so much smaller that it was sad. But he had no intentions of getting someone sick, or worse, dead. Mass production from his brain didn’t start until Joseph felt like the pills did what they were supposed to and were safe enough. Being that there was no one to test them on, he became his own guinea pig. It wasn’t ideal but he was who he had and well, it worked.

For a weird sense of humor, Joseph made these pills blue. And little. Because that was funny, wasn’t it? He thought it was and anyone who disagreed were just idiots with no sense of humor. The little blue pill acted like an amplified version of weed and it’s ‘stoning’ properties while delving into the depths of ecstasy. While Joseph had never actually taken the real thing, he had conducted an in depth study to find out the effects.

And from what he tested, it worked perfectly. As long as no one was an idiot and took a shit ton, everything would end up going fine.

The party would be at the fairgrounds, Joseph had ultimately decided. He wanted to save the strip for his Fourth party and didn’t want to have to do clean up after this one. The place where the party would be was down the road of where Joseph dreamed. For his dreaming ‘lot,’ the road before you hit the fairgrounds was where a person had to go. But that road was thin and dirt and overgrown so Joseph wasn’t worried that anyone would find it.

The fairgrounds were ideal for the party because of two key factors. One was that it was out of the way of the lights of Henrietta and two was that no one was ever around.

Perfect for delinquent drug using alcoholic teens.

Liam had gotten into contact with his father who had gotten into contact with the electric company and had them fix up the huge floodlights at the fairgrounds. Joseph had actually offered to pay but Liam had refused saying that he was more than happy to make his bastard father waste his money.

Despite himself, Joseph was starting to like this guy.

Which wasn’t a good thing.

They had also had them fix up the ones at the drag strip to get ready for the Fourth of July party. Everything in his grandmaster plan was coming along nicely so far. He still had another two days to dream up more blue pills to fill his storage bin and Liam had said that all the invites had been taken care of. Everyone who mattered knew that Kavinsky was throwing a party at the abandoned fairgrounds in a couple days. Bring something to get something even better.

It was perfect.

Except for two things.

The minor one was that Joseph really wanted to find punk rocker and invite her.

Problem two was a much bigger issue.

Like how in the hell he was going to get his mother to let him stay out until at least midnight. If you were going to be the cool guy who passed out shit and did shit, there were no curfews. It diminished your credibility. Kavinsky couldn’t have his mother calling him at eight wondering where he was.

Going about this would be tricky.

Knocking on her closed bedroom door, Joseph waited for her to invite him in while hoping this went alright. If she said no, he’d still go but he’d have her mad at him. But Kavinsky _had_ to show up to his own party. It wouldn’t work otherwise.

“What’s up?” she asked as he walked in. She was sitting in her bed, back against the headboard while on her laptop.

“Uh, well…” Joseph mumbled as he sat on the edge of her huge bed. What she needed with an entire king size, he had no clue. She said she liked the space and plus, what if he wanted to join her one night? You never knew according to her. Joseph had downgraded to a twin size because he wasn’t going to waste space when he barely slept. “I want to ask for…permission…”

Setting her laptop down beside her, she raised a brow in question, her beautiful eyes sparkling in curiosity. “For…”

“On Friday…there’s this…thing that I want to go to. It’s at night though.”

“A thing being…what exactly?”

He’d have to tread carefully here. “Um, well…I met a couple guys who already go to Aglionby and one of them is throwing like a…thing…”

Man he sucked at this.

Resting her elbow on her crossed leg and her in chin in her palm, his mother said in a disapproving voice “A thing like a party. That word your trying so hard to avoid.”

It was stupid of him to think that he could pull one on his brilliant mother. “Well, uh…”

“No parties.”

Crap. “But-”

“No, Joseph,” his mother interrupted in a dismissive tone. She was done with the conversation. “I’m not an idiot. As if I can’t easily imagine what goes on at a high school party full of prep school brats.”

“That’s kinda what I am now…” he trailed while biting his lip. He’d really prefer that he could do this without her getting pissed at him. “Plus, can’t you trust me to make the right choices?”

A snort of amusement came with an eyeroll. “Maybe I could have before I found out you were smoking behind my back.”

Oh.

Yeah, there was that.

Scratching the side of his head, Joseph replied “Mayko, please? I know I lost some of your trust with the weed but I mean…” He tried to think of something, anything, that could help his case. Of course he had nothing.

“I’m happy that your trying to get to know people but I’d much prefer they weren’t the ones where I have to worry. No party and that’s it.”

Grinding his jaw to keep himself from saying something stupid, Joseph stared down at the carpet, attacking it with the glare he was trying not to give his mother. He understood her point, he really did, but she didn’t get that none of that mattered anymore.

She didn’t get that _he_ was the one that was going to become the one everyone worried about. Kavinsky was going to be the one that parents didn’t like and other kids feared.

“It’s Friday,” he finally murmured, preparing himself for the backlash. “And I already said I was going so I’m going. I’d appreciate if you’d just trust that I’m not a complete idiot.” He stood as he felt her gaze hot on his back as he walked to the door. Pausing before he walked out, Joseph added “A little bit of faith would be nice. Just saying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Time for some party bruhs. Also Joseph having some inner turmoil. Do you guys think I should add to the tags like suggestive language or something? Maybe idk. I don't think the story will need upping to M because I don't plan on getting explicit at all but some things (not this chpt) get pretty suggestive and vulgar...I think I'll tag 'em...? Hmm. If anyone has an opinion on this, do share
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _"He wasn’t there for you all those years for you to drag him like he’s shit beneath your feet.”_

“You seem nervous,” Liam whispered as he stood beside Joseph where they leaned against the Porsche.

The statement wasn’t wrong. Joseph was nervous as hell. This had to go perfect or else everything that he was aiming for was as good as fucked. If this party sucked, then his chances of throwing an epic Fourth one were shot into the dirt. Everything had to go perfectly or else the name Kavinsky would only bring mocking laughter.

That was something that couldn’t happen.

All morning his nerves had been buzzing from his worry. He had made sure to pack his two tubs of drugs in his car early in the morning so his mother wouldn’t catch sight of them and even covered them with sheets just in case. From there it had just been a matter of wasting the day in anticipation for the coming night. The past two days had been quiet as his mother was still upset with him but as he had been getting dressed to leave, she had come into his room with her arms crossed and a sigh.

_“Just…be safe, be careful, and please please don’t do something stupid. I’ll tolerate your stupid weed phase for now but I swear to God if I smell alcohol on you, you’ll be in so much trouble.”_

He had made the promise of no drinks and kissed her cheek goodbye. Joseph actually had no intentions of drinking tonight; maybe eventually but definitely not today. He needed his full wits about him to make sure this went perfect.

“You’re not?” Joseph said quietly in reply. “Don’t know about you but I don’t want this to be shit.”

“Me neither,” Liam replied as he lit up a blunt. “But it won’t. Relax and attempt to enjoy yourself. It puts people at ease that you’re not some shady drug dealer or something.”

Accepting the offered smoke, Joseph took a drag from the joint between his fingers before snorting “I am a drug dealer, idiot. I’m passing out weed and pills. I thought you go to a smart ass high school?”

A laugh erupted from the other boy as he accepted the joint back. “Okay, good point. But hey, you’re not shady so that’s something.”

“Fair enough,” Joseph murmured as he watched the first car drive up. At least there was someone. Now no one could say that nobody had showed. “Know ‘em?”

“Yeah, Alan is the dude driving and the other guy is Dustin. Okay guys. They’re a grade under me. I sell to Dustin a lot. That guy is like the definition of a pothead.” They watched as Alan shut off the car and got out, followed by Dustin. Three girls came bouncing out of the backseat, all smiles. “Girlfriends and girlfriend’s sister. Honestly, I don’t like them.”

“All three?” Joseph asked curiously as his first ‘guests’ walked over. “Can’t be that bad.”

“Dustin’s girl is okay but Lisa and her sister are bitches,” Liam snorted. “Also Lisa is a serial cheater. Alan don’t give a shit though which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Joseph couldn’t help but agree as Alan stuck his hand out. Taking it, Joseph introduced himself. “Kavinsky.”

“Nice to put a face to the name,” Dustin said as he too shook hands. “For some reason, I expected you to be blonde.”

“Yeah, that’s all I need in my life,” he couldn’t help but snort in disdain. He flashed a quick glance to Liam rolling his eyes. “Full offense, princess.”

The girl who he figured was Lisa because of the way she draped herself on Alan gave a giggle so Joseph turned her way and flashed her his megawatt smile. Something told him she would love to make him her next cheating prospect. But while Joseph was willing to do a lot to be a complete ass, that was where he drew the line. No way was he going to help some bitch cheat because he knew exactly what the damage was. Had seen and felt how infidelity tore people down.

Not happening.

“So where’s the good stuff?” Alan asked as he crossed his arms. “Prove you got actual shit to show for this party.”

“Aw, baby,” Joseph laughed in an almost maniacal manner. “Liam did explain how this shit works, didn’t he? You bring me shit, I give you even better. Only thing that’s free here is a joint or two and the cheapest alcohol possible. Oh and my charming disposition. Music too because I’m just that fucking nice.”

Lisa gave another giggle and Joseph delighted her with a wink. Yeah, he didn’t like her at all. Too…giggly and eager to please. Not his thing. Her boyfriend looked slightly pissed but it was more because of Joseph’s words and not his girl’s opportunistic excitement. “So what do I gotta exchange for the good shit? What is the good shit?”

“Exchange is an open thing, my not friend. You show me what you got and I’ll decide if it’s worth it. As for the goodies, just two choices for the night. I do well then maybe I’ll entertain the thought of more.” He was serious about that part. If he was going to be a goddamn drug dealer then he was going to be the fucking best. “I’ve got better weed and a pipe that you get to borrow for the night or,” Joseph took out on of his blue pills, “this.”

Big brown eyes glowing in interest at the mention of weed and a pipe, Dustin said “I brought a 24 pack of Corona. Will that get me a pipe for the night?”

That could get the dude two pipes but Joseph wasn’t going to be generous tonight. Kavinsky didn’t do generous. “All yours, man.”

“Wait, wait,” Alan cut in, his voice barely climbing over the bass of the music playing from Joseph’s extremely sick system. He pointed at the little blue pill, “The fuck is that?”

His fake buddy beside him had asked the same question when Joseph had showed him the tub filled with them. “This here is where the fun is at. No name for it,” Joseph said as he gazed at the little pill held between his fingers like it was the most amazing thing in the world, “But I like what it does. Ever taken E?”

Figuring it was Lisa’s sister because she looked a bit like her except with a pointy chin and bleached hair, the girl said excitedly “I have! That shit is in-sane. I love it.”

Hello drug addicted party girl. What kind of teenagers took ecstasy? He wasn’t sure if he an Emilio were ‘normal’ or just the lame dudes behind in everything. To them, a fun time was sports or games or just doing something incredibly stupid. Like daring each other to eat an entire serrano pepper in a minute with no milk.

Joseph had lost. Spicy he could do but Jesus, there was a limit. Emilio had claimed with a bright laugh that he had won because he was Hispanic.

_“Spice is my life, boy-o.”_

Shaking out these memories that he didn’t need, Joseph said “Well, this baby here is a mix of amped weed and a touch of the happy pill. A very amazing high with a very small crash.” Having a sudden idea, Joseph smiled to the sister and said “Open.”

Seemingly eager, she opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue a little. Joseph set the pill on her tongue before grabbing her a cheap beer from the roof of the Porsche, popping the tab, and handing it over. “Down the hatch, sweetheart.”

The fact that she trusted so easily was slightly terrifying as she took a gulp and swallowed the pill down. How stupid was she? Joseph wasn’t trying to kill her or anything but what if he was? Did it ever occur to her that he might roofie her? How could she just trust his smile and do what he said?

“I want one,” Lisa said quickly, a small shadow of jealousy still left in her eyes after having watched the interaction. It freaked him out a bit when she suddenly hugged him tight and smiled up at him. Anka and Ivet would slap her for being a complete needy idiot. “One for me?”

But this was what Kavinsky needed so he’d just have to deal with that…neediness. Plastering his huge smile on his face, he pulled another from his pocket as he wrapped his other arm around her slender waist. “One for you, baby. Don’t worry. Open up.”

He did the same thing for her as he did for her sister. Dustin’s girlfriend with the nose piercing shook her head when he offered her one but was eager for a pipe which Joseph obliged once Dustin handed over the Corona. Giving freebies to the ladies, he figured, was a good idea that would get him some points. But the freebies would only be for today; he needed to show what he offered, not run out of his shit. More people started to show so the initial group went on their way to lounge and drink and smoke. Liam introduced him to everyone although there were actually some people he didn’t know.

Joseph took that as a good thing. It meant word had reached far.

Kavinsky would be known by tomorrow.

Eventually Jordan arrived, carrying over a box which he dropped at Joseph’s feet. “All yours.”

Looking down at the box, he kicked it with his shoe as he nodded. “I always wanted a box, darling. Thanks.”

“Open it, idiot. I thought it’d help out the party a bit.”

Crouching down to pull off the lid, Joseph tried to ignore that he was sure this guy was trying to impress him. After Liam had told Joseph that Jordan was into him, he tried to avoid the guy as much as possible. It wasn’t only that but he swore that sometimes the guy just…gave him this weird feeling. Joseph’s sirens literally went off every time he saw him. Like he needed to be wary of the lacrosse player or something.

Generally, his instincts were smart.

So Joseph trusted this one.

With the lid removed, Joseph stared down at a box filled with packs of cigarettes. Why hadn’t he and Liam thought of that? Not everyone wanted to smoke pot. “Wow, thanks.”

“Thought, you know, pass a smoke to everyone. Don’t know if there are enough but…it’s all I could get.”

“It’s great, really, thank you,” Joseph replied as he stood. “Seriously. If you could do the honors of passing one out to everyone, it’d be even better.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jordan nodded quickly, stooping down to pick up the box. Before he walked off, he took out a pack and handed it to Joseph. “Enjoy yourself a pack.”

Accepting it, he put it into his back pocket as Jordan walked off. Something told him that if he started smoking cigarettes, he’d get addicted fast. Not to mention his mother could smell a smoker from a mile away. So for now, no smokes.

The party had filled up wonderfully with a steady stream of people coming in. There were at least a hundred people right now with more still driving up. There was music, drinks, drugs, and people. Didn’t get better than that. Score tons for him because holy shit, he had managed it.

With Liam’s help but still.

Most people had brought something with them, the majority being alcohol because that was what they could get their hands on the easiest. Almost everyone had had at least one drink and that was evident in the flushed faces and sloppy behavior. He had been watching this guy and girl for the past ten minutes making out against a car and as ridiculous as it sounded, he really hoped one of them remembered to bring a condom. There was no way they weren’t getting to that point.

“I have an urge to spray them with a hose,” Liam snorted as he sipped water, he too both watching the couple and staying away from alcohol. They both had to drive home today. “They annoy me.”

“That’s not you with Eva?” Joseph murmured around the rim of his own water bottle. He was hoping to make that him and Feisty but Joseph still hadn’t found the girl and now he was regretting letting her go in Walmart.

“Pft,” he blew. “We’re way classier than that.”

“Is it possible to be classy after getting drunk?”

“Good question,” Liam laughed with a shake of his head. Downing the last of his water, he crumbled the bottle and tossed it in a random direction. It wasn’t appreciated being that Joseph would probably be the one cleaning up but he said nothing. “Why don’t you got a girl? Expect you would.”

It was a curious thing. Why did Liam expect him to? Is that how he presented himself? Because if it was then him killing his inner fag was working wonderfully. But he stated none of this and simply shrugged in the dark with only the sickly light of floodlights illuminating the place. “Working on it. Girl I want I haven’t seen since the first time.”

“Guess it’s better,” Liam said as he stretched his arms up and shaking out his shoulders. “That way you can fuck all the girls you want before tying yourself.”

For a guy with a girlfriend, the words sounded terrible. Actually, just for anyone. “That what you did before Eva?”

“Hell yeah,” the other boy cackled loud. “Eva was supposed to be just a fuck like every other girl but I liked her a lot so she stayed. I think we go great together actually.”

Joseph had never even seen Eva so he couldn’t say but it did get him thinking. Why did he have to just wait for Feisty? The plan was to get with her and then they’d have sex but maybe he’d just have sex until he finally got her. Why waste all that time that it might take for her to want him? It’s not like she was special or something to save his virginity for her. Who gave a fuck?

New plan for the rest of the summer.

Get laid. Maybe more than once.

Surprised when a body suddenly collided with him, Joseph stared down in confusion at Lisa once again hugging him tight. Except this time, she was practically humping his leg, her pupils blown wide. Joseph wasn’t sure if it was because she was high or horny. Probably both. “Hey, sexy.”

“Sexy yourself,” he laughed, acting like it totally didn’t bug him the way she was just holding him. If there was one thing Joseph hated, it was when people touched him who weren’t allowed to. Besides his family and, once upon a time, his close friends, Joseph didn’t tolerate touchiness. But being that this was Kavinsky’s show not Joseph’s, he’d have to get over it. “How can I help you?”

She barely came up to his shoulder as she set her chin in his chest and looked adoringly at him. “I wanna another pill, baby.” Looping her arms around his neck and bringing him down so there was less than a space between their lips, Lisa added “And I want you.”

For the past few months since he had arrived here, Joseph had been telling himself that everything with Emilio had been a lie. He wasn’t gay, he hadn’t loved his best friend, and he had just been confused since he was eight when he realized that he might like boys. Joseph was straight just like everyone one else; he wasn’t a fag and girls turned him on.

If all of that was true, then why the fuck didn’t Lisa rubbing on him have any affect? Being this close to lips that looked that delicious?

Because they were on the wrong sort of person.All this did was make him feel slightly sick and ashamed.

Ashamed because he was so far from hard that you’d think it was some disgusting hag humping on him instead of this beautiful bright-eyed girl. All he wanted to do was shove her away and tell her to fuck off. To get her away from him before she decided to grab his crotch thinking that he was as into her as she was to him. The only thing her grabbing would discover was how limp his dick was.

“Sweet,” Joseph smirked like he wasn’t having extreme inner turmoil in his head right now. “But baby, I don’t want you.” Her eyes went wide in hurt before he pulled out a pill and pushed it into her mouth, letting his thumb linger in her mouth for a few seconds before popping it out and wiping her lips. “Enjoy your night and find someone else to fuck your brains out.”

He could literally read in her body language the slap she was about to give him so when she suddenly raised her hand, Joseph grasped it and spun her around to where her back was facing him. With a little push after releasing her, he laughed “Think you need to walk that way, sweet thing. Find your boy and let him dick you out.”

Flashing him a glare over her shoulder, she stalked off with exuberant amounts of swagger like she hadn’t just been rejected. That was fine with him; he wasn’t willing to play adulter in her stupid ass games. He didn’t watch his mother and Ivo suffer through two infidelities to go and be partner in one.

“Not your type?” Liam asked curiously as Joseph once again leaned back on the Porsche.

Turning his head to stare at the fuckwad beside him, Joseph replied in a salty tone “After the lecture of her being a cheating bitch, you seriously wonder why I didn’t want to fuck her?”

With a shrug, Liam yawned “Alan don’t care for whatever stupid ass reason so if she wants to be fair game then…”

“How would you like it if I went and dicked Eva?”

A fire lit in Liam’s eyes. “I’d beat the shit out of you.”

“Okay then. Why the fuck am I going to help that bitch cheat? Even if her boy don’t care, I’m not gonna be some player in a bullshit game.” Maybe if it had been some single girl…

Who was he kidding though? Joseph hadn’t gotten even remotely aroused in a situation that a lot of teenage guys would have. If a girl couldn’t turn him on, how the fuck was he supposed to have sex with one?

Maybe…maybe he just needed to analyze his situation more. Joseph wasn’t a faggot; he refused to be one. He just hadn’t gotten hard because…because Lisa was a bitch.

Duh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> We're almost up to the Fourth! Woop!  
> I miss writing the folks back in Jersey...Not that I'm not enjoying pure Joseph or anything
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Do you hate me?”_

“We should get fancy cheese,” Joseph said to his mother beside him as they stood staring at Walmart’s cheese offerings. He pulled a pack of sliced gouda off the hook only to grab Havarti when he saw it on the hook above it. “Or lots of fancy cheese.”

“What’s wrong with regular old Kraft?’ his mother laughed as she set a pack of boring American sliced cheese in the cart. “It melts the best.”

With a snort, Joseph put his cheese selections in the cart on top of plain old Kraft. “Our burgers should be ultra fancy, mayko. Kraft is for regular days.”

The Fourth was tomorrow. One day until his huge party that he was terrified would go bad. He didn’t think it would but hell, you never knew. His substance party – dubbed by popular choice apparently – had gone fantastic. Minus Lisa getting all pissy but hey, that definitely wasn’t important. Even facing his mother at one in the morning had gone good.

_Walking into his room, Joseph wasn’t even close to being surprised on finding his mother sitting in his bed, reading a book. Peanut had already settled in for the night apparently as she dozed beside her grandmother’s feet. “Hey.”_

_She didn’t reply or even look away from her book. Raising a hand, she crooked her finger twice – the universal sign of ‘get your ass over here.’ He obliged, not even nervous because he hadn’t done anything except lean on the Porsche and share blunts with Liam, sip water, and stay away from Jordan when necessary. Also pass out shit and discourage humping cheating bitches. Well, bitch. A lot of girls had ended up hitting on him but none the way Lisa had. They had stayed classy with just some flirting._

_Flirting he could easily handle._

_Patting a spot on the bed beside heselfr, his mother stayed focused on her reading as she turned the page. When Joseph sat down, she motioned for him to come closer. Scooting over to where their sides were pressed together, Joseph turned his head to face her with a smile he couldn’t seem to keep off his face as she practically commanded “Breathe.”_

_Rolling his eyes but still smiling, he huffed on her knowing that his breath only smelled like weed and maybe the candy he and Liam had decided to binge on. “Well? Verdict?”_

_Finally closing her book, she faced him with the raised brow of utter power. “Weed makes you smell like crap.”_

_He clucked his tongue as he got up, emptying his jeans so he could change. “But no alcohol, right? Because I didn’t touch shit.”_

_“No, no alcohol,” she conceded as she watched him put his wallet and watch away while setting his phone on his nightstand. He was suddenly extremely thankful that there were no pills left in his pockets. She’d kill him even though he hadn’t even had one. When he reached into his other pocket to grab whatever was left, Joseph froze._

_The pack of smokes had completely passed his mind._

_“Mayko,” Joseph said quickly, trying to hide his panic. From her searing gaze alone, he could tell how she had noted his lack of movement. “I swear to God I didn’t and completely forgot that someone had given them to me.” She’d have to believe him; it wasn’t like the scent of cigarettes wasn’t distinct._

_Holding out her hand, she replied “Let’s see whatever it is.”_

_There was no reason to be nervous because he hadn’t done anything but he still felt the butterflies fluttering like there was a party in his stomach as he handed over the cigarettes. Looking down at them with an unhappy purse of lips, his mother said stiffly “I’m keeping these.”_

_“Keep them,” he rushed out to show her that he hadn’t been planning on using them. “I swear, someone gave me them and I totally forgot about them.” Joseph pointed to the still closed plastic around the box, “See? Still closed. And you would have smelled it on me.”_

_“True,” she nodded as she got up, taking both the book and smokes with her. “And I believe you, sweetheart. No need for a heart attack.” With a kiss to his cheek, she wished him goodnight before walking out to catch her own sleep._

Liam told him that he had people texting him for Joseph’s number, wanting to get in touch with him themselves to ask about the pills he had given out. But Joseph wasn’t ready to extend that hand out yet. People needed to get needy for him; it was too early to do sales.

If you wanted the pill, then you’d have to come to the Fourth of July party.

Joseph was sure that twice as many people who had showed up for the substance party would show tomorrow. Somehow, Liam had managed him more fireworks although Joseph hadn’t really needed more.

Because he had dreamed himself some fantastic ones.

Fireworks didn’t require the heavy duty red pills that Joseph had created. Those he was saving for practicing the Evo. No, green was plenty and after some trial and error, Joseph had created some beauties that lit up the sky. He had done the testing at the fairgrounds and once he had been satisfied with the three kinds he had made, Joseph went into ‘mass production’ by dreaming ten of each. It had caused him to walk around with a headache for a couple days, relief barely arriving today but totally worth it.

The Fourth was going to be perfect.

Hopefully.

This morning, he had made his mother breakfast and served it to her in bed in hopes of smoothing over the conversation he had wanted to have.

_“Another party.”_

_Yup, she didn’t sound happy even though she was munching on the almost amazing omelet he had made. The edges were a little crisp but it still looked fantastic. “Fourth of July and stuff, you know? After that…none for a while. Promise.” His brain wasn’t a fucking machine anyways – he’d kill himself if he kept trying to drag shit out at such a high rate._

_With a sip of juice, she snorted “Am I not fun enough to spend the Fourth with?”_

_Shit. It hadn’t even occurred to him that she’d be lonely and probably be thinking about what they used to do in Jersey for the holiday. But he didn’t let that faze him as he quickly thought of an idea. “Don’t be stupid, mayko. We’ll spend the day together. We should do like a barbeque or something and test out our pool. And then we can do fireworks when I get back.”_

His mother had eventually very reluctantly agreed though he could tell that the idea of him going to parties was not sitting well with her.

“I like Kraft,” his mother said as she opened a box of eggs to make sure that none were broken. “But you can have your fancy ass cheese, rich boy.”

“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious, dear.”

“Damn straight,” she laughed as they walked over to the fridges with the drinks. “Grab a milk while I get a lemonade.”

Scratching his head under his Yankees cap as he walked over to the respective fridge, Joseph froze after opening it, his hand simply sitting on a milk gallon. He blinked harder thinking that he was mistaken but when he stared more, he realized he wasn’t imagining things yet as he watched Feisty pick out different yogurts from the open fridge a little ways off. “Shit.”

Grabbing the milk quickly and setting in their cart after walking over to where his mother was, Joseph said hurriedly “I’ll meet you in the bread aisle.”

He was about to dash off when she grabbed the sleeve of his tshirt. “Whoa, whoa, where to?”

Casting a quick glance to the yogurt section to make sure punk girl was still occupied, Joseph replied “I…need to talk to someone real quick. Meet you there.” When she pulled him back once more, he couldn’t help it and literally whined. “Mayko.”

With a look around, his mother’s eyes, unfortunately, caught on Feisty who happened to be the only one around at the moment besides some old dude. She knew that wasn’t who he was rushing for. “And she is…”

“Someone. I’ll be back.”

“She’s…interesting…” his mother said in a slow examining tone as she took in Feisty’s outfit. It was some cut up…type of shirt with a bright blue tank top peeking through the holes paired with jean shorts and combat boots.

This girl was nothing if not original.

“That doesn’t sound very nice,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh. Yogurt must be this girl’s life because she was literally reading each brand to see what she wanted. “I’d say…eccentrically cute.”

Giving her a once over from where they stood, his mother murmured “Cute, huh? If you were into girls, would she be it?”

And that’s when the conversation wasn’t fun anymore.

His fist was clenched tight as he tried to reign in his anger. He was into girls, she was wrong.

Joseph could totally be into girls.

“Mayko,” he said, voice barely away from a snarl. “One? We don’t bring that up, ever.” Her eyes lit with surprise. “Two, I’m not a fucking fag-”

“Don’t ever call yourse-”

“That’s what gays are,” Joseph hissed quietly because he wasn’t going to make a scene in the dairy section of Walmart. “I’m not fucking gay. That whole year, I was just an idiot who was…taken advantage of by his idiotic bifaggot ex friend.”

Oh Jesus did those words hurt. It was so far from the truth that it was crazy. Joseph literally felt like his heart had ruptured or something.

It was a mix of emotions that filled his mother’s face as she ground her jaw. Hard. “I truly hope you don’t believe whatever homophobic bullshit your bashtá spat at you because I know you’re better than that. I know that you’re not stupid enough to erase the beautiful thing you and Emilio had just from the words of a homophobic bigoted piece of shit. And if you are, then maybe it’s better that it ended because Emilio deserves better than that. He wasn’t there for you all those years for you to drag him like he’s shit beneath your feet.”

Joseph stared at his mother completely stunned. He couldn’t even formulate the proper words for a reply before she added “He loved you. Genuinely and truly thought that you were the most beautiful person in the world. I didn’t need to know about your relationship to see it. Maybe it’s for the best that he can’t hear the shit your saying because you’d break him.”

“Mayko-”

“Don’t,” she said, cutting him off with a fierce glare. “I love you the way you are. Emilio loved you the way you are. I was ready for boyfriends or gay porn. I never expected, never imagined, that instead I’d be facing some born again homophobe.” Grabbing the handle of the cart, she abruptly turned, saying before she stalked off “Go on, chase your little savior bitch if that’s what you’re so intent on.”

Born again homophobe.

The scary part was that it was so true. Then there was the fact that she had been waiting for him to get a boyfriend which had literally just blown his mind. More than her catching him watching gay porn. Joseph had actually tried watching porn after his failed arousal of Lisa and her humping. Just straight up regular porn with a dude and a lady. It had worked…kind of.

Joseph was sure that normal guys didn’t need as much time or rubbing as he had.

It had gotten him wondering why making out with Alicia had aroused him if porn was barely doing it. His conclusion was that he liked both her and the way she kissed. Her hands were talented too. Which took him back to thinking that if Lisa wasn’t a bitch, he would have gotten at least a little hard. That thought brought him back to thinking about porn. Maybe if he watched enough of it, jerked off to enough of it…he could get hard for a girl. He just needed to watch enough women, tell his brain that this was who he should be getting hard for, and then…well, then he’d have actual sex with one.

Simple.

With a sigh and shake of his head while he wondering if his mother still wanted his company or not, Joseph glanced over to the yogurts and wasn’t surprised by Feisty not being there any longer. If he got lucky, he’d find his hetero savior somewhere here before she left. Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his basketball shorts, Joseph began a stroll down the aisles, hoping to run into the girl before he made it to his mother.

For once, God actually felt like being helpful.

He found her in the baking aisle, crouched down and looking at pie fillings. Joseph strolled over and crouched down beside her, flashing her a smile when she turned her head to look at him. “Hello.”

Looking entirely unamused, the girl focused back on pie fillings. “Leave me alone.”

“Any chance you remember me?”

“No.”

“Damn,” Joseph laughed because he could easily tell that she did. There couldn’t be that many guys with heavy Jersey accents walking around in Yankees caps around here. “Well, I could reintroduce myself.”

“Not like you introduced yourself the first time,” she snorted as she grabbed a can of cherry and stood. “Leave me alone.”

Standing himself and walking with her, Joseph replied “See? I knew you remembered me. I definitely didn’t forget you. Love today’s outfit too.” He lightly touched her shirt, “How do you come up with these anyways?”

Halting abruptly which made Joseph nearly trip on her tiny frame hadn’t he stopped in time, Feisty said in an annoyed tone with crossed arms “What part of ‘leave me alone’ don’t you get?”

Joseph put his hands up in surrender. “Look. I really like you or…I’m sure I will if you’d just take the time to speak to me like a human being.” She opened her mouth to say something but he hurried along, “It’s not a big deal. I get it, you probably have to fend of assholes all the time from how pretty you are.” That earned him an eyeroll. “But I just want to invite you-”

“No.”

“Lemme finish,” he couldn’t help but huff. Jesus, she was something. “I’m having a Fourth of July party tomorrow and I’d really like it if you came. I had a party last week and wanted to invite you to that but I couldn’t find you. But I’m inviting you to this one.”

Feisty let out a huff before saying “I’m not interested in Aglionby boy parties.”

“It’s an everyone party,” Joseph corrected. “Everyone and anyone is invited to enjoy fireworks and shit, you know? It’ll be fun. And I hope you can come.” He was trying to make it sound like she would come unless she had something important. From the way she was looking at him, Joseph knew that saying ‘hope you will come’ was more like it. “It’s at the drag strip and it’ll be great, I promise.”

Brushing a piece of short hair from her face that had fallen out of its clip, she replied “Look. I’m not going to come so you should seriously stop trying. Especially because you could care less if I showed up or not.”

This girl had no idea how important she actually was.

“I’m not gonna stand here and beg,” Joseph began, “But I really do hope you’ll come. It’ll be fun and we’d have a nice time together. Think about it or at least act like you’re thinking about it so I can walk away with a smile.”

Surprisingly, she actually had the start of a smile at the corner of her mouth. It was a pretty mouth, Joseph decided. He couldn’t wait until he got to taste it. “I can act but that’s it. Don’t expect me tomorrow.”

“At least I get something right?” he laughed as she rolled her eyes again before walking off. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow!” Joseph called after her just to be an ass.

Not that he wasn’t one already.

Once she was out of sight, Joseph let out a depressed sigh because all of his excitement and charm were now used up.

Time to go find a mother who probably didn’t want to have burgers with him tomorrow anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Happy Fourth, motherfuckers!”_

Reading the box of onion soup mix as he sat on the kitchen counter and watched his mother season ground beef, Joseph asked “We making soup?”

They were on speaking terms but Joseph knew his mother was unhappy. Both because he was a born again homophobe as she had dubbed it and because fighting was so frequent between them now. When they had gotten home from shopping yesterday, he had thought she’d want to try talking about it again but she hadn’t even brought it up. Simply asked him to help put the groceries away and then they went their separate ways until dinner.

It was like nothing happened if you didn’t see the tired lines on her face.

He didn’t enjoy being the cause of her exhaustion.

“No, I use that to season the meat. I use it when I do meatloaf too.”

“Huh,” he murmured as he gave one last glance to the box before setting it down. “I hope you’re not making more than four because between me and you, I’m sure that we can barely handle even that.”

A small smile crawled onto her face as she began to split portions. “Only three. One for each and then we’ll split one. We’ll fry some fries next to them and maybe do a salad to get some veggies in.”

“Sounds good. You can have your sad American cheese on yours and then put my cheeses for the other two.”

Putting the three lumps of ground beef on a small pan, she handed it to him and said “Fridge please. And noted. Do you want frozen fries or homemade?”

Opening their freaky huge fridge, Joseph set the tray on top of other stuff before he took out a juice box for himself. You could never get old for juice boxes. “Homemade is good. Yours are bomb.”

“Why thank you.”

Staring at his mother’s back as she washed her hands and whatever dishes there were, Joseph wondered if maybe he needed to take the first step. She hadn’t even laughed like she usually would have when he passed out compliments. Not even a hint of humor in her voice. Why could they never last without fighting nowadays? “Mayko.”

“Hmm,” she answered before shutting off the water and turning to face him. Maybe she was waiting for him to stir the air.

They weren’t the words that he wanted to say but somehow, they were the ones that he blurted under the pressure of her gaze. “Do you hate me?”

Her eyes flew wide in shock and her mouth opened to speak but she was completely speechless. Joseph simply stood there and waited for her answer, sipping his juice. When she was finally able to formulate words, she whispered “Why would you even think that? Sweetheart, I love you more than anyone in this world.”

He shrugged but couldn’t meet her gaze that could bore holes into him anymore. These doubts and questions were frequent in his thoughts. For anyone, not just her. How could people love him when he was such a horrible mess? A horrible person? Joseph was so far from being worth anyone’s time that it was ridiculous. Hilarious even.

Flinching when hands suddenly held his face with the softest touch in the world, Joseph bit his lip and still tried not to meet her eyes even though she had turned his head to face her. She rubbed soothing circles over his sunken cheeks as she murmured “Baby, look at me.”

Joseph preferred that he didn’t but nonetheless, he flicked his gaze up to face hers. There were so many emotions going through her beautiful emerald eyes that Joseph couldn’t keep up. However, the one that was the easiest to point out was worry. It wasn’t just written in her eyes but in the tired tilt of her mouth and drawn in brows. Why had he never noticed how exhausted she looked? He couldn’t even remember a time when his mother had had shadows under her eyes. She just looked so horribly stressed and tired. And he hated that it was because of him.

“I love you, Joseph Kavinsky. And I’ll love you until the end of time and more than anyone on this entire planet. Those are things I want you to never ever question.”

“But I’m a mess,” he couldn’t help but mumble. “And a hassle and so full of issues and-”

“Stop,” she interrupted, determination now glinting on her. “You could have a thousand issues and that will never matter to me. You could be the biggest mess and that will never matter. And you can hassle me as much as you like but that won’t change anything. You’re my beautiful little boy and that’s never going to change. I love you and don’t think otherwise just because we get mad sometimes.”

Irrationality was something he knew he was dipping into but he just couldn’t help it. It was like Joseph had two halves in his brain – the rational one who knew that he was being paranoid and the other one that only saw a billion faults and reasons and illusionary hate. Lately, that half was always the winner in choosing his emotions and reactions. He could easily fake a smile and force a laugh but deep down…

Deep down he was just so dead and done.

And there was no revival in sight.

Even weed which was supposed to make you happy didn’t do shit. Some days, he swore it only made his depression and anxiety worse. Made him feel like he was doomed and trapped in this invisible cage where there was nothing and no one. It made him feel more isolated than he already was. There were other days where he didn’t even need the weed to feel that. He just felt plain horrible because…he did.

He was being tugged down the rabbit hole fast and there was no escape in sight. Even if he tried explaining to his mother how he felt, how his emotions were so opposite and exploding from one spectrum to the other, Joseph couldn’t begin to even fit the proper words in a sentence. ‘Sad’ sounded stupid and didn’t even encompass it all. ‘Anxious’ sure but they already knew that. ‘Alone’ and ‘afraid’ weren’t bad but were hardly enough. ‘Terrified’ wasn’t a big enough word and ‘angry’ didn’t capture his fury. Hell, ‘fury’ didn’t capture his fury. There were sometimes where he was just straight up paranoid. Or tired.

No matter what words he tried to fit together, they weren’t a proper explanation of how he was constantly and confusedly feeling.

“I love you,” she repeated when he still said nothing. She had no way of knowing the war that was going on behind his blank façade. “Tell me, Joseph.”

Sure that he had cut his lip because he swore that he could taste the tang of blood, Joseph whispered shakily “You love me. Nothing will change that.” Just like with his emotions, he couldn’t find a way to explain how he really knew that but his head wouldn’t let him accept it.

Pulling his head down and kissing his forehead, she once again said “I love you so much, my wonderful child.” Smiling as she held his face so his gaze was level with hers, she said in a stronger and much happier voice “Now, we should probably clean that pool before getting in.”

 

 

“I could do it, y’know,” Joseph said as he rested his arms on the cement, the rest of him enjoying the water. He hadn’t gone swimming since he had grown this tall and he had to say that it was pretty awesome knowing there was only a foot between him and the deep end.

“I like grilling,” his mother replied while flipping one of the burgers. Their backyard had one of those built in grills accompanied with a small burner which was currently frying their fries. Talk about fancy. “It’s not actually a ‘man’ thing for your info.” Rolling his eyes as he heaved himself out of the pool, Joseph dripped over and hugged her from behind to which she shrieked. “Excuse you!”

“What,” he laughed while rubbing his wet face and hair into her shoulder. “You aren’t gonna die if you get wet.”

Shoving him off with her own smile, she tried slapping him atop his head. Too bad he was taller than her. “These aren’t getting wet clothes!”

Looking down at his mother’s wardrobe, Joseph snorted “Mayko, you’re wearing a tank top and lounge pants. Doesn’t seem like a problem especially because you’re wearing a swimsuit underneath.”

“My pants didn’t want to get wet,” his mother grumbled after turning back to the grill to flip the burgers.

“Do we have any fish in the freezer?” he asked curiously as he leaned beside her, a sudden idea hitting him.

Making a face as she thought, she answered “I think there’s a tiny fillet in a Ziploc. Why?”

“Be right back,” he said as he toweled himself moderately dry before going into the house. After what felt like hours moving stuff around in the freezer to find his prize, Joseph grabbed the bag and then ran upstairs and grabbed Peanut. She wasn’t happy by suddenly being awakened if her angry meow was anything to go by. Although, it could be because she was pressed against a damp body.

Once he was back outside, he handed his mother the bag. “Grill it for Peanut, please.”

“So spoiled,” she snorted as she took the bag.

“Hey,” Joseph laughed as he took Peanut and went and lounged on a chair, setting her on his stomach. _Or lack of stomach._ His old lady stared at him, still annoyed, before curling up on him. Because she was Peanut and a nasty soul, she made sure to prick him a few times first. “I’m her dad, I get to say that shit. Grandma’s are supposed to be nice.”

Tossing the fish on the grill, his mother called in an amused tone “Yeah, because bába is _so_ sweet.”

“To me she was!”

“Whatever. C’mere and put the stuff on our burgers,” she said, pulling the patties off the grill before getting out the fries. “The full works. Make ‘em stunning.”

Peanut was, once again, very unamused at being disturbed but she was getting a fish so she had to deal. Walking over, he spread ketchup – no mustard for either of them – set down the patties in their fancy toasted onion buns, put cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes on top before closing them. Realizing he forgot the pickles, he lifted the top bun of each burger and slipped them in. “I can sell these burgers for fifty bucks in a fancy restaurant.” When his mother gave him a pointed stare, Joseph corrected “We can sell them.”

“That’s what I thought.”

After enjoying their food and some swimming, Joseph went up to take a shower and get ready for _his_ night. The worries of it going bad had evaporated now that the time was practically here. He could do this; make the party something everyone would talk about.

_Totally can do this._

It was extremely hot and stuffy which he figured was appropriate for a July evening but it still sucked. The air was gross and…gross. Because of this, he settled for just a white tank top instead of a tshirt to give himself some breathing room. Grabbing a pair of slightly ragged grey jeans because he didn’t want to ruin nice ones, Joseph pulled them on before getting his belt off a hanger and slipping it through the slots. They had actually had to make an extra hole in it because he was too thin for the precut holes. The band of his underwear kind of peeked out despite the belt but oh well.

Joseph was cool like that. Well, as cool as being possibly severely underweight could be.

Ruffling his hair with his fingers to get it to dry a bit more before he pulled a fitted Yankees cap on, Joseph grabbed his watch and latched it around his thin wrist. Maybe he needed more junk food or something. Even he could admit that his lack of weight was slightly ridiculous.

He halted in front of the mirror on his dresser and stared at the face reflecting back, eyes examining who was before him. If he stared hard enough, looked deep enough, Joseph felt like he might be able to see the boy who used to be happy and have smiles on his face. Deep deep down in the dark abyss of his eyes, Joseph knew that he was in there somewhere.

But the one who reflected back wasn’t him. It was a murderer, an asshole, a complete manipulative bastard. The guy who ruined his own life and planned on screwing with everyone else’s.

Kavinsky.

Maybe Joseph would make an appearance again one day. Maybe he’d be able to climb up the hole he was in, digging his bruised and bleeding fingers into the dirt walls and scrabble back up. Fight for his chance to find his happiness.

One day.

Today, however, tonight especially, was all about Kavinsky. That was who everyone was looking for, who everyone was expecting. So that’s who they would see when they looked at his haggard face with blackened sunken tired eyes and cheeks that hollowed more with the pass of time. It had to be attractive if all those girls who flirted him were to be trusted. Joseph always knew he was good looking but that was before he looked so…so this. But he still had to have something, he figured. Maybe they just thought it was his drugs doing this to him and not the horrible mix of depression, anxiety, insomnia, and paranoia. They didn’t know he didn’t actually use the stuff he had given out.

Well, he did use the green pills but those didn’t count. No one even knew that those existed.

Getting out a pair of black canvas slip-ons from under his bed and putting them on, Joseph was ready after putting on his mother’s necklace that he had ultimately kept. The gold chain and little gold key were like a token of comfort. He knew that his mother was always with him in a way.

Now he was ready. Or at least, he thought he was once he grabbed his wallet and phone. He took a deep breath before standing, nodding his head slowly.

Joseph had this.

Tonight was going to be epic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Let the festivities begin!  
> Of course, artistic liberties have been taken with the whole Kavinsky/Blue storyline but it's all inferred from the way Blue talks/thinks about him in Dream Thieves. There was something there, it was totally implied. I've reread all the lines like fifty times to make sure I get a good takeaway from them.  
> So while my take, like with Joseph's life, may not accurate, I think it's appropriate.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“You win? Well, that’s nice. I don’t give a fuck. You lose? Learn how to fucking drive.”_

Checking the last car and turning it on to make sure it worked well, Joseph hit the gas pedal a few times, revving the engine of the Altima before shutting it off. “Where’d you even get these?” Liam asked as he got out of the Camry beside him.

Joseph had decided that besides for banging fireworks, he needed some form of fun and entertainment. He was on a drag strip so racing was the obvious. Not everyone had cars and not all those Aglionshit rich boys wanted to burn rubber with their own so Joseph had needed some sort of compromise. Until he could pull out a fully functioning car from his head, he had needed to think of something else.

Luckily, he had happened upon a used car lot on the border of town. Wasting Ivo’s money didn’t bother him at all so Joseph had dropped a nice pile by buying eight cars that people could use. The guy who owned the place didn’t care for governmental paperwork as long as Joseph put down extra cash.

Extra cash was not a problem.

He had driven each car over to the strip and tested them out, making sure there was nothing faulty for anyone to die from. The Corolla had needed more coolant and oil so Joseph had bought some and filled her up, not minding at all. Other than that minor thing, the cars were in good working order.

And ready for some fun. They weren’t your ideal ‘racing’ cars but they were cars and could run. For their purpose, they’d do just fine.

“Used car place,” he replied as they walked back to their own cars. “We could use some entertainment and shit.”

“Nice idea,” Liam nodded as he followed. Joseph popped his trunk and they took out the packs of red cups. Buying alcohol hadn’t been a problem this time because they had so much left over from the substance party. Saved Ivo some money if that mattered to anyone. “I’m still impressed by all that.”

His not friend was referring to Joseph’s huge pile of fireworks, the majority being pulled from his head. Not that Liam knew that of course. “I aim to amaze, beotch.”

“But not to please,” Liam finished with a laugh. It was their running joke right now. “Anything besides the fake ass Viagra that is definitely not Viagra?”

“Not this time, no.” His brain was so exhausted that when he had actually tried to make another drug, he hadn’t been able to pull out anything or even go into the forest after that. He was too tired to even dream from all the shit he had been pulling. “It’ll be plenty with the weed and drinks. I’m not a magician, you know.”

But wasn’t he?

“The pills are enough,” Blondie agreed. “Just wondering if you were gonna amaze me some more. Jordan is bringing more cigarettes and also some extra drinks so no worries on that end.”

“Wasn’t worried.”

“You can at least be a little grateful,” Liam snorted in annoyance as they leaned on the side of Joseph’s car and mentally prepared themselves for the night. “Wouldn’t kill you.”

Lighting up a joint and deciding he was going to be an ass and not share, Joseph replied “Wouldn’t help me either. Don’t get all pissy on me now.”

Liam was silent for a time as they waited. Eventually after lighting up his own roll of weed, he said “Can I ask you something?”

He hated when people asked that because the entire world knew that they were going to ask regardless. What was the point? “No.”

Of course, the other boy completely ignored him. “Why do you act different?”

“What?” Joseph asked in confusion as he turned and stared at the boy beside him. If he looked too hard, Joseph would realize how he liked the way Liam’s eyes were shaped – angular and yet soft – even in the ugly light of fluorescents.

That’s why he never looked too hard.

Not meeting Joseph’s gaze and staring out at the road where a car was coming up, he clarified “You act different with different people. You act different with me than with Jordan or other Aglionby boys or with girls or with girls you think are bitches. Or adults. Probably with your mom too. Why?”

“Because the only one in this entire fucking world,” Joseph hissed, annoyed by the idiot’s perceptiveness, “who deserves to have the real me is my mother. The rest of yous I don’t give a fucking shit about. I treat you mildly decent because you seem decent enough. But you’re right, I should just treat you like every other shitface in this hell.” When Liam tried to say something, Joseph cut him off. “Shut up. It’s done. We got people.”

“Sorry,” came the ever so soft whisper before some people came up to them.

They spoke after but conversation was a little less smooth than it normally was. Maybe Liam shouldn’t have been such a perceptive bastard. When Joseph felt like a good enough amount of people had shown up, he lowered his music before getting up on the roof of his car with a blow horn.

Yeah, he had bought one just for this.

“Happy Fourth, motherfuckers!” The crowd cheered with excitement in response and damn, if that wasn’t exhilarating. “Let’s be real, no one celebrates this crap day for independence! We all just want a reason to light shit!” Another cheer, the loudest coming from Liam and Jordan who were still on the ground. Joseph had wanted to get away from Jordan but the buff fuck was glued to Liam and well, Liam was the only one Joseph had.

So Joseph had gotten stuck and stayed.

“And in honor of lighting shit, I’ve got some beauties ready to hit the sky. You ugly fucks ready?” Screams of enthusiasm met his words. “Then lets light shit! Liam! A firework, my good man!”

The blonde grabbed one from the trunk and handed it over. Joseph set the blow horn down as he checked out the pick. The flashbang was a good one. It wasn’t a literal police flashbang but Joseph had made it where when it flew up into the night, it popped in bright lights of yellows. Setting it steadily on the roof of his car, Joseph pulled out a long lighter to light the bitch. He was neither worried about the paint or himself.

He had been practicing.

Lighting the fuse, Joseph simply stood as it burned to the actual firework to the confusion of everyone. The fuse had been designed where he had enough time to stand and get comfy. He was still a little afraid that it could go wrong and blast on him. When he had first starting practicing, all he could remember was when Ivo nearly blasted off his hand from a defective firework.

No one needed to know that though. And no one would see his fear; he wouldn’t allow it.

Because Kavinsky was a fearless bastard.

Taking a bow once he counted the fifteen seconds, the firework shot off high into the sky before exploding huge with a loud bang. The night lit up with hues of yellows, bright and shining. In the time it took to shoot up, Liam handed him another which he sent up seconds later, bursts of oranges joining in and then reds. The crowd was cheering and whooping in excitement, literally screaming ‘ _HAPPY FOURTH, BITCHES!’_

Joseph had told Liam to put that at the end of the text invites.

As he lit another, Joseph’s eyes caught on a figure on the outskirts of the crowd, looking entirely lost and maybe even slightly self-conscious. It was some short girl in a white crochet tank on top of a regular purple one with hair filled with colorful clips.

There was only one girl in this town who dressed like that.

Lighting one last one before handing off to Liam so he could take over, Joseph rushed over through the crowd, his heart beating in excitement. She actually came. After all her talk and _she had shown up._

Holy fucks.

Reaching her and making sure his charm was two hundred percent, Joseph tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She turned quickly as if ready to smack someone but stopped when she saw him. “Hey,” he said in absolute delight. Feisty had actually fucking come on his invite. He hadn’t personally invited anyone except her.

And she had fucking come.

“Oh, uh, hi,” she replied, glancing around. She seemed nervous. Maybe parties weren’t her thing? They weren’t his either but he faked until he made.

“Thought you weren’t coming?”

Pursing her lips and raising a brow in challenge, she snorted “It’s a party for everyone, right?”

With a huge smile, Joseph laughed “That it is. Welcome and seriously, thank you for coming. Means a lot.” He could tell she didn’t really believe that but it was the truth. It did matter to him because he kind of sort of needed her. “I, uh, never got your name.”

One arm was crossed around her stomach and the other had her thumbnail in her mouth. “I never got yours, Kavinsky.”

“Well, you’ve apparently heard it but you can just call me Joseph if you want.” He hoped she would. If they were going to be a thing, calling him by his last name would be plain weird.

“Joseph.”

“Yup…?”

“Blue,” she finished.

Looking around in confusion, he asked “What’s blue?” What were they talking about?

Huffing and looking annoyed, she answered “My name, idiot. It’s Blue.”

Dumbfounded, Joseph couldn’t help but say “Your name is seriously Blue?” Then he realized how much of an ass he sounded like and quickly added “That’s fucking awesome. It’s different.” Giving her a syrupy once over that was only a winner for some girls while hoping she was a fan of them, Joseph added “I like different.”

Even in the dark with only the floodlights and fireworks shining, Joseph could see a small blush on her face. And also how angry she looked at giving him that small win.

Yeah, he liked.

Blue was almost toppled over by some already drunk dude bumping into her, his face flushed and walk unsteady. The guy burped a ‘sorry’ before walking on. “This your thing?” Blue asked in slight disgust, her eyes trailing the drunk dude.

“It’s the people’s thing,” Joseph shrugged, evading actually answering the question. “You like fireworks?”

“I guess.”

“Then we should light some together,” he grinned as he offered her his hand. He could just dive in and hold hers but he wanted her to feel comfortable, not forced. She accepted it but Joseph could see how reluctant and hesitant she was just with that movement. “Got a favorite color?” Fingers crossed he had it.

Walking with him, her hand loosely in his, Blue replied “I like lots of colors. Don’t do much black though.”

Black was one of his favorites. Irony. “Fireworks don’t come in black so I think we’re good.” Reaching his car with Jordan giving a pointed look to Blue, Joseph took his hand back as he checked out what was here. “How about…purples and blues?”

“Okay,” she shrugged, shrinking closer to him because she didn’t seem to appreciate being in the center of the crowd. “I like yellows too.”

Joseph grabbed a yellow one too. Three was plenty. “Liam!” he called over the music to the blonde still on the roof lighting fireworks. “Lighter, sweets!”

The lighter was tossed down, Joseph easily catching it. He wasn’t a baseball player for nothing. Deciding that Blue probably didn’t want to hold his hand, Joseph smiled to her and said “Off we go!”

 

* * *

 

If you asked Blue what she was doing, she wouldn’t be able to give a good answer. Or even an answer at all.

Not only did she come to a raven boy party but she was hanging out with one. The one who personally invited her. Maybe if it wasn’t summer break, she would have heard more about the guy through the gossip grapevine before making the impulsive decision to come to his party. She was supposed to be smarter than this.

But somehow, he was a charmer.

Following him to a clearing a little ways away from all the commotion and people, Blue started to get a little worried. She’d been nervous since she had arrived but now she was kind of scared because she literally just followed a total stranger into a clearing. A clearing where no one could see or hear them over the boom of fireworks and music. _Not the smartest move, Blue._

They came to a halt and Kavinsky smiled to her in such a sweet way that she didn’t even know was possible in an Aglionby boy. Maybe this was ‘Joseph’ and less typical Aglionby. “What color first?”

Raven boys were almost always from out of town and everything about him screamed ‘outsider’ from his accent even to his face. It wasn’t like the people of her quiet valley. There were more angles, more sharpness, and yet there was a beauty to it.

Great.

Now she was thinking he was good looking.

“Let’s go purples,” Blue replied, her arms crossed around her midsection as if it was her protection against this foreign boy.

“Purple it is,” Kavinsky said as he crouched down and set the respective firework on the floor. He set the others aside, she assumed, to make sure that they didn’t get lit in some freak accident before holding out the lighter to her. “Not fun if you don’t do it yourself.”

“Uh, yeah.” Walking over, she crouched down beside him but made sure there was space between them as she accepted the lighter. Why did he even have to smell nice? _His cologne is probably some expensive stuff. So Aglionby._

And now she was thinking about his cologne.

Clearing her head, Blue asked “Shouldn’t we put something under it?” The dirt floor didn’t seem very safe. But then, he had literally stood right next to them as he shot them off the roof of what she figured was his car. Safe didn’t go in the same sentence as Kavinsky apparently.

“Should be fine. No worries, Blue.”

She couldn’t help but wonder if he had meant that he liked different. He had looked at her like he had but anyone could do that. Maybe he was just a lying player thinking she’d give him a kiss for the night. How wrong his thinking would be then. Blue was certain that at fourteen, she hadn’t just found her true love but still. Going around and kissing boys wasn’t what she did.

“How old are you?” she asked, the sudden question coming to her mind. She literally knew nothing about him except his name.

That gossip grapevine would have been really helpful right about now.

“Fifteen,” Kavinsky shrugged. “Turned last month actually. I start high school this year. We…came early.”

Figuring that ‘we’ must be whatever family he had come with, Blue couldn’t help but be a little surprised that he was only a freshman. Also, why did he pause like he had to think? “Held back?” No one could get in Aglionby unless they had the grades – and money – for it.

“Too many absences one year,” he replied, although he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it. “You?”

“Fourteen,” Blue said automatically only to pause. Rolling her eyes, she corrected “In a month. But that month doesn’t count. My mom always said I was mature for my age. Sensible.” _Besides for coming here._

Nodding and looking like he was thinking about something, he finally said “I like sensible.”

“You like a lot of things, apparently.”

A smile grew on the boy’s gaunt face. It made him softer, more approachable. What was he really like? “I’m an easy to please kind of guy. And, well, everything about you pleases me.”

 _Don’t do it. Don’t blush._ Her face was heating, she knew that but she was hoping that he couldn’t tell. It was enough that he had caught the other time earlier.

But from his smile growing wider all the way to his wink, Blue knew that he totally caught it. And wanted her to know that he had caught it. With an eyeroll, she focused back on the task at hand, putting the mouth of the lighter to the end of the interestingly long fuse. “Fifteen seconds,” Kavinsky said.

Tilting her head after she turned to look at him, she asked “What?”

“How long you have,” he explained, pointing at the fuse. “Exactly fifteen seconds until it reaches the chamber and then-”

A firework exploded from where they had left everyone.

“That.”

How did he know the exact time? Did he count or something? Instead, all Blue said was “Oh, okay. Fifteen seconds.” She was a little nervous about this whole thing but she couldn’t show it, especially when Kavinsky had literally stood right beside the ones he had done. The boy was fearless.

Clicking the trigger of the lighter, she watched as the flame came out and ignited the fuse with a little bright spark. Stupidly, she just sat there and stared as the fuse burned shorter. Not until she was suddenly dragged back and hauled away that she realized that stupidity, however. The firework shot into the sky less than a second later, going off with a loud boom and explosions of purples ignited the night.

It wasn’t until the firework officially finished that Kavinsky, who was sitting beside her on the dirt floor, turned to her with his dark eyebrows high on his forehead. If his hair hadn’t been styled back, they probably would have disappeared behind it which looked like it was normally soft, able to rest on his forehead.

And now here she was thinking about how soft his hair probably was. _For God’s sake, Blue._

He’d look even nicer if he hadn’t put gel.

_Get a hold of your thoughts, girl._

“Look, I know I said fifteen seconds, but that doesn’t mean keep your face in it until the last second. Unless of course you just don’t want a face.”

Blue’s face burned in embarrassment. She knew that, she had just…lost her thoughts. “I’m not an idiot,” she couldn’t help but snap. There was not much she hated more than being thought of as stupid.

Especially by a raven boy.

Putting his hands up in defense like he had yesterday, the boy said quickly “Not sayin’ you are. Just saying that you need to be careful. That was dangerous as fuck.”

“You seem the type of person who would like that.”

Smirk growing on his full lips, Kavinsky replied “Not if you end up in the hospital. Kind of would hate to see that happen. Also, y’know, you won’t have much of a face left.”

“Whatever,” Blue snorted, getting to her feet and feeling relief that their legs weren’t pressing together anymore. That their bodies weren’t sharing the such close air space. After her last two fireworks, she was leaving. This wasn’t her thing and it was stupid of her to show up anyways. “Let’s finish these.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So I think I've got a nice outline/timeline for Proko now. I'll probs start writing that within the next week and start posting once I've written at least ten chpts. Within the next month maybe? Suggestions are always welcome for anything I'm writing
> 
> No worries y'all, this isn't the end of Bluvinsky. Sarvinsky? Bloseph? Joue? Klue? Idk haha. Do they have a ship name?
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“But baby, dicks are for sexy bitches to enjoy."_

He didn’t want to light the last firework. Something told Joseph that Blue wanted to leave and would once they had lit it. The last thing he wanted was for her to leave. He had thought that everything was going well but she seemed…distant. Like she was regretting coming.

Not good. But how was he supposed to get her attention? In a good way? She didn’t seem like the type of girl looking for a smoke or pill. Asking would probably just insult her and that was something Joseph couldn’t have happening. Maybe he just needed to make this simple on both of them.

“You don’t like me.”

Blue blinked at him with round eyes as she set the last firework on the floor. “I…”

 _Don’t rush to a defense now._ Sighing, he sat down on the floor, one knee up for his arm to rest on and the other leg stretched out. “I didn’t force you to come.”

With a huff from where she was crouched, she sat down and crossed her arms. “You practically begged me in the middle of Walmart. I was being nice. You could be a little appreciative.”

People seemed to keep reminding him of that tonight. And what was up with her tone? He had only been nice to her this whole time and she was talking to him in a way that was just…kind of mean. “I am and told you that I was. I was really excited that you came but you don’t seem to be enjoying yourself at all.” Not to mention that she wasn’t even trying to.

“Parties aren’t my thing and neither are Aglionby boys.”

“That’s a stupid way to judge someone,” he couldn’t help but snort because, yes, he was getting annoyed. “For all you know, an Aglionby boy is a thousand times better and nicer and sweeter than some of your local rednecks.” Joseph knew she’d get pissed from the insult but he couldn’t help what came out of his mouth when he was pissed.

“And you’re one of those?” she asked skeptically, her eyes flashing at the redneck comment like he had predicted.

Leaning back on his hands and shrugging a shoulder, Joseph replied “I’m just me. Take that how you want. I really wanted to have a nice time with you but you seem so intent on not having one with me for some stupid ass reason.”

“Maybe every guy shouldn’t expect some girl to just enjoy his company or that they’d fall head over heels for him and give him a kiss for the night.”

Joseph stared at her in confusion. It wasn’t a date, it was supposed to just be fun. “I wasn’t expecting you to kiss me and I wasn’t going to ask either. I’ve been nothing but a gentleman to you and you’re acting like I’m some perverted ass. I didn’t even try to hold your hand when I noticed you didn’t like it.”

She actually looked a little embarrassed but she didn’t apologize or even acknowledge it. “I think I’m leaving now.”

Something told Joseph this whole relationship thing wasn’t going to work between them. Blue was just so damn intent on not liking him without any merit behind her choice. He knew that if she’d just give him a chance, she’d like him.

But no, she didn’t want to give that chance.

Fuck her. And too bad because he had been serious about liking her being so different from people like Lisa. She was unique all the way to her name.

“Fine,” he snorted, knowing his irritation was tinging his words. “Go home. My fault for liking you.” Remembering that it was night and she was not yet fourteen and even if she was it wouldn’t matter, Joseph asked “Do you need a ride? I can take you home.”

“I’m not stupid to get in a car with a stranger. I’ll call my cousin back. Can I use your phone?”

Unbelievable. Why? What was he going to do? Rape her? Murder her? Jesus fuck. Yanking his phone from his pocket, he walked over and wordlessly handed it to her. He stood over her, waiting as she dialed and then told whoever it was to come get her. Once that was done, she handed it back with a quiet ‘thank you.’

“Welcome,” he replied, walking back to where he had been, taking a seat. Might as well wait with her in case some drunk idiot tried something.

Blue looked at him, then the remaining firework. “Aren’t we gonna light it?”

As if he wanted to do shit with her now. Completely ruined his night. Joseph could handle rejection, he wouldn’t be an ass about it if she truly didn’t like him. But she wasn’t even giving him a chance. All she was doing was judging him because of the fucking school he was going to go to and deciding that that was plenty to assess him with.

Bitch.

See if he treated her nice after that bullshit. Treating him like he was the smallest worthless piece of shit she’d ever seen. She wasn’t better than him.

“Not stopping you.”

Probably hearing the difference in the way he had been talking to her, she turned her eyes away and shrugged. “Nevermind. I’ll just wait.” Under her breath, Blue muttered “Knew I shouldn’t have come.”

Ignoring her because if she wasn’t going to be nice to him then he’d be the same, Joseph pulled out his phone and acted like he was doing something way more interesting. He was actually just answering a text from Liam asking where he was by saying that he’d be over there in a bit.

“You from New York?”

He couldn’t help the snort that escaped him. As if. Joseph was a very proud Jersey boy unlike people he knew at school back home. Some people hated that they were born on the ‘wrong’ side of the river. However, rather than saying all this, he stayed completely silent, acting like he was still doing something on his phone.

“Fine, don’t talk,” Blue muttered, once again crossing her arms. They were silent for only a couple minutes before she said “Don’t take rejection well, do you.”

Joseph ground his jaw hard, trying not to speak until he couldn’t take it anymore. “I can take rejection just fine if you had bothered to get to know me. There’s probably a lot about me that you’d like but you don’t even want to try.”

Blue stayed silent, not even denying that it might be true. They said nothing to each other as they sat there waiting for her cousin to arrive. When said cousin did, they called back on Joseph’s phone. He was going to toss it to Blue because he didn’t feel like getting up but decided that throwing his new phone would be very stupid. Going to her, he handed it over and once again stood over her. When she was done, she got to her feet and handed it back, her eyes going to the firework.

“Take it,” he shrugged. “Don’t give a fuck.”

Giving him a look that he couldn’t even tell what it meant, she walked over and grabbed it off the floor before following him back to the party. It felt louder than before to where his head was going to explode and everyone was definitely either drunk or high. Some girl crashed into him and was about to probably yell at him but when she saw who he was, smiled instead.

The power of a name apparently.

“Hey!” she laughed like they knew each other so well. Joseph had absolutely no idea who she was and didn’t remember even vaguely if she was one of the ones Liam had introduced. The girl crowded closer, holding his hips in a firm grasp like he might get away. “You wanna dance?”

Not a chance.

“Sorry, not today, baby,” he replied, prying his hips away from her. Spinning her around, Joseph added “Another time,” before sending her off. He wasn’t going to bother looking at the disappointment that would flit on her face.

“Kavinsky!” some other girl’s voice shouted. He definitely wasn’t going to waste his time trying to track it down. Plus, Blue was starting to look annoyed. Hell, maybe she was jealous. That’d be nice. But he wasn’t going until he saw her to her car. Who knew what could happen between here and there? The invitation had been from him so it was his responsibility to make sure she left safe.

Pushing forward through the people, he ended up having to take her hand because it was the hardest thing to move through everyone. Eventually getting through the masses, he let go and they walked to the edge of the clearing of the drag strip, a car at the start of the road. “Bye and sorry you didn’t have fun.” He could end this like a decent person.

She seemed surprised by his apology as she stopped on her way to the car and turned around, the firework still clutched in her hand. It was like she was debating with herself before her ‘sensible’ side took over and she walked away after giving him one of those curt nods that were supposed to mean something. Joseph simply stood until she got into the car and the driver turned around and left.

And that was that.

So much for a relationship.

Maybe he should just fuck.

“Sigh,” Joseph muttered as he turned around and trekked back to his party. It was time to get some cars on the strip anyways.

 

 

“This is how this works,” Joseph said through his blowhorn, once again standing on the roof of his car. Liam was seated beside his feet, his legs draping over the side. “You can use your car or if you don’t got one, you can use one of the decent ones I got over there.” He pointed to the eight cars parked in a line, waiting to be awakened. “You win? Well, that’s nice. I don’t give a fuck. You lose? Learn how to fucking drive.”

A laugh came from the crowd as they looked up at him excitement, almost everyone having a red cup in their hand or a glow something with them. Joseph had no clue who brought glow sticks and necklaces and all that other shit but they had passed some around which was cool.

“I ain’t letting no drunk getting in though. I don’t give a shit about your life, I care about my cars.” Another laugh, everyone thinking it was a joke.

It kind of wasn’t. If you were stupid enough to get in a car while being so stupidly drunk, then you got what was coming. Don’t be stupid next time. His tetíncho had learned that the hard way so these people could too.

“That’s all I got for you, bitches. Knock yourselves out.”

Sitting down beside Liam as the crowd cheered, Joseph said “You watching for drunks or you gonna make me do it?”

He slid off the roof in an easy slide. “Nah, I got it. I wanna see how this goes anyways. You gonna race?”

Joseph had actually been debating that since he had thought of the idea. He was a much better driver with his Evo now and could go at pretty high speeds without trouble…but what if he fucked up? Him or his car, that wasn’t favorable.

But how could Kavinsky not race?

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly, a smile growing on his face with the excitement growing in his chest. “I think I just might.”

Jumping down after grabbing his blowhorn and tossing it in the trunk before slamming that shut, Joseph got into his car. Before shutting the door, he told Liam “Music from your car. I’m not fucking up my eardrums today.”

Honking and flipping off the idiots standing in front of his car, Joseph drove out to the asphalt and prayed he knew what the fuck he was doing. He lined his car up to where he had decided the starting line was before getting out and shouting “Who’s up first?”

It was ironic that the car that drove up beside him was an STI. Race of the rally cars.

Way cool.

The stats of both cars were already running through his brain. They were pretty well matched so really, it just depended on who was the better driver. Joseph hadn’t been driving for that long but he felt he’d be good enough. Plus, he couldn’t lose at his own game.

The window of the Subaru rolled down and Alan’s flushed face appeared. The dude wasn’t exactly a big fan of his so Joseph couldn’t say that he was that surprised.

But he was a little worried. The other boy had been drinking and popping pills and smoking weed since he had arrived. Joseph didn’t think he was mentally fit enough to drive let alone race. But Liam had said he was going to check everyone so…

Oh well.

“Sounds good,” Joseph smirked at Alan as he bounced back into his car. He could do this.

Making sure his windows were shut all the way and shutting of the air condition even though he’d probably sweat to death, Joseph kissed the key of his mother’s necklace for good look and thumbs upped to Liam that he was ready. Alan must have also given the ‘ready’ signal because Liam raised his arms as he stood between the two cars, getting ready to start them.

It wasn’t a complicated track or barely even a track for that matter. All it was was a sprint to the finish line which was in a straight line ahead of them, almost at the end of the strip. It had to be simple enough for Joseph to be able to do it and win his first race. Was that kind of rigging it? Cheating?

Maybe but this was his party and his name that had to become sacred. So who gave a fuck?

Foot ready on the gas pedal and hand on the gearshift, Joseph loosened his shoulders and watched Liam carefully for the tiniest twinge that meant his hands would drop.

He was ready when they did.

Joseph hit the gas and flew from the start line, Alan and his STI next to him. He shifted quickly to match his speed. When he shifted from third to fourth, Joseph felt like he didn’t get the best shift he could have, per usual. For some reason, that shift was the one he always seemed to fuck up. He didn’t bother to focus on his competitor, merely himself and the gearshift under his sweaty palm.

As he neared the finish line, he flicked a quick glance in his rearview mirror and smiled wide when he saw Alan behind him. Deciding that there was plenty of wiggle room for him to be a showoff, he shifted down as he slowed to do a messy slide past the finish line. Hitting down on the clutch and steering to the left, Joseph yanked up the handbrake then hit the gas a second before releasing the clutch.

Yeah, he had totally been practicing that.

Bringing himself to a firm halt and putting the car in park before getting out, Joseph stood by his car which was now facing the way he had come with a smirk on his face, knowing that only Alan would see it. Everyone else was too far although their cheers and screams of excitement reached his ears all the way over here. He gave a wave just to be that sort of ass.

Alan came to a halt, but stared at Joseph through his windshield, looking very pissed. Joseph didn’t understand why; you lost then you lost.

Get over it. Don’t be a bitch about it.

Starting the walk over to the other boy – probably to rub the win in, he’d decide then – Joseph was surprised when the engine revved.

And the car shot towards him.

There wasn’t enough time for him to even contemplate jumping out of the way because he was barely even comprehending the fact that someone could be that much of a sore loser. But then, the guy was impaired with drinks and shit so…it was possible.

Luckily, Joseph was close enough where the car wasn’t going too fast as it hit his side, tossing him onto the hood before Alan reversed to slide him off onto the hard asphalt.

It may not have been going fast but Jesus fucking Christ above did he want to shout in pain. Especially when he rolled hard onto the floor, making it a thousand times worse.

Groaning as he dragged himself to his knees and tied to ignore his side which was screaming in agony, Joseph whispered in pain “Fucking shit.” He thought he heard Liam call his name and turning his head to the side proved that with the blonde boy running over with Jordan on his heels.

Joseph could do without Jordan.

With a cry of pain and the thought of how in the hell he was going to explain the bruises and scrapes to his mother, Joseph got to his feet while clutching his side and limped over to Alan. The bastard was sitting all smug, his face not only flushed from the alcohol but also his satisfaction.

_Let’s see how satisfied you are after I bust your face in._

Yanking the car door open and dragging the drunk out just as Liam reached him, Joseph slammed Alan hard into the door causing it to shut and snarled “You think that’s funny, you piece of fucking shit?”

“Hilarious,” the other boy slurred with a laugh. The laugh was cut off as Joseph jammed his good knee into the bitch’s crotch, cutting off the blood flow.

The boy practically keened as Joseph hissed “Not laughing now, are you bitch?”

“Hey, you alright?” Liam asked quickly, probably wondering if he was supposed to break this up or not.

He wasn’t.

“Oh, I will be in a second,” Joseph answered with a devilish smile before turning back to the drunk in his hand. “In a second.”

There was a loud thud as Joseph slammed Alan’s head back into his car before pushing down on his shoulders so he met Joseph’s ready knee hard as he smashed Alan’s nose in. The other boy cried out in pain before letting out another once Joseph stepped him down onto the floor, smashing Alan’s dick with his foot.

After a minute or two because it wouldn’t be nice to completely ruin the guy’s penis, Joseph stepped off and crouched down, paying no mind to the furious hot pain igniting his entire left side. Jesus help him tomorrow when all the soreness would crash down on him. “Don’t fuck with me, bitch, or I will make your life a miserable hell. You hear me?”

When there came no reply and only the bloody boy staring up at him in an almost fearful way, Joseph grabbed the collar of his shirt and dragged him close to his face. “I said, do you fucking hear me?” Alan nodded quickly. “Good boy,” Joseph laughed as he tossed the boy down before standing. “Nobody fucks with me, sweetheart. No one.”

Or Kavinsky would burn them down.

Hell, maybe he’d do it anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Minor warnings for this chpt altho if you came here after His World was a Nightmare (story 1) then you're used to stuff like this because Ivo never had a filter with both sexual talk and innuendo. Anyways:  
> Minor vulgar language  
> Talks of oral sex  
> Oral sex behind the scenes  
> uh...suggestive words?
> 
> I think that's really it. Enjoy
> 
> _"No one is going to make him feel like shit the way they always just trampled over Joseph.”_

“You sure you’re alright? You’re limping.”

Of course he was fucking limping, Joseph had just been slammed by a fucking car. His side was screaming and he was worried to see what he’d find when he got home and removed his clothes. “I’m fine,” he grunted, stamping down the pain so it wouldn’t come out in his voice as he got out of his car. He had driven back to where his car had been in the beginning, in the middle of everything. If anything, this whole ‘accident’ gave him an excuse not to have to race again.

He felt like he still needed more practice.

“Oh my God!” some fake redhead came running over practically shouting.

Another person who he had never seen before. Where had these people come from? And why the hell was she so concerned and worried? It’s not like he knew who the fuck she was.

“Are you okay?” She crowded him close, her bare stomach flashing from her crop top pressing against his crotch. Jesus, she was short.

Yeah, he didn’t miss those days.

Shrugging and trying to think of a way to get her off him without seeming rude because that definitely wouldn’t get him laid with anyone, Joseph replied “Fine.”

Pressing in closer and wrapping her arms around his waist, she asked “Are you sure? That looked like it hurt.” She was making this overly concerned face that included batting her eyes and pouting her lips.

Joseph wasn’t a fan.

But did he have to be? He had already thought of how maybe relationships weren’t the way to go. Did he have to like a girl to have sex with her? Not necessarily…no, he didn’t. She just had to be…sexually pleasing enough, pretty enough, and everything would be perfect.

Giving a glance to the redhead happily latched to him who now rested her head on his chest and stared out at the crowd, Joseph figured that well, she was pretty enough. Redhead just might work. There wouldn’t be sex tonight because of the basic fact that he didn’t have a condom on him and no way was he risking shit but…

He was more than sure she’d love to share some kisses.

Wrapping his own arms around her and setting his hands so they were softly cupping her ass, Joseph smiled down at her when her head flew up to look at him. He’d bet anything that she had been making a smug face at anyone who had been looking because he hadn’t pushed her away yet. Now she had him with his hands on her and something told Joseph she’d be bragging by tomorrow.

Fine by him.

Resting his forehead against hers with their noses touching, Joseph said just loud enough to be heard over the music blaring from Liam’s car “It hurt a lot, actually. But…I think you might be able to make the pain disappear?” He left it an open question just to make sure he wouldn’t pressure her too much. That way she could easily refuse.

Not that she would.

The girl gave him a huge smile, her face glowing in excitement and her brown eyes that were lined with black in anticipation. “I know I can.” Kissing her softly, she added “I’ll make all the pain go away.”

 

 

Being pressed up against the metal of a car door had to be uncomfortable but the redhead was hardly complaining as Joseph held her up against the Altima which someone had parked away from all the lights and people. He had no idea why but he wasn’t going to whine about it when it granted both something to hold her against and privacy. How long they had been going, Joseph didn’t know because he wasn’t keeping time but it had to be a good while because he was actually kind of hard.

For a teenage boy making out with a pretty girl, he knew ‘kind of’ sounded sad when all it had ever taken with Emilio was just his beautiful laugh but for Joseph it was something.

Something called progress. His dick and brain were going to learn that friction was friction and kissing was kissing and he didn’t need a hard body to get it going. Soft, smooth, and boobs could totally work for him. He could do this.

Redhead was definitely enjoying herself as she not only held his shoulders tight and mauled his mouth but also grinded herself against him with her legs wrapped at his waist. Thank God he had the ‘no condom’ excuse because he had a feeling she’d love to go all the way.

They broke apart for some air, her head rested on the car and his on hers, breathing heavily. “Wow,” she laughed and Joseph thought it was a pretty nice laugh. That was a good thing. Laughs were good at causing arousal, weren’t they? He was half hard, sure, but if she suddenly decided to grab him, he’d appreciate her finding more than a pathetically aroused dick.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said when he had enough breath to get some words. Jesus, did this girl know how to kiss.

“Definitely is, sexy,” she giggled as she brought her lips to his again and pressed a soft kiss on them. “Not feeling that pain much now, are we?”

Actually, his side was on fire because of the weight of holding her up and the iron grip of her legs. He had to admit though, she had some sexy thighs that were shown off with her tiny shorts. That was a good thing too, right? If he thought that her strong beautifully thick thighs were nice, then he wasn’t a fag, right? Fags couldn’t appreciate a woman’s body, could they?

Joseph had no idea.

His leg also wasn’t happy but he said nothing of it all. “Not much, no,” Joseph whispered against her lips. “I wouldn’t say it’s all gone though.”

Stupid wasn’t something he was because Joseph knew he was manipulating her, trying to get her to maybe press or kiss harder. Something to just prove to himself that he could get fully hard with a girl. Joseph had with Alicia but she was different and he knew it. Not only had he barely been introduced to the magical world of his newly awakened penis, but he had known her, liked her personality, and well, he had allowed her to touch him there. Over clothes but same shit. Joseph was too afraid for some strange girl to reach for his dick and find it not as happy as it should be. With Alicia, it hadn’t mattered. She wouldn’t have said anything and she wouldn’t have made it an issue. She would have just thought of it as a mission to get him up.

He had no idea how the girls around here would be. Maybe they’d laugh at him or start rumors that he didn’t need.

Definitely didn’t need.

Grinding herself against his crotch which Joseph appreciated because it kept his half-mast stable, she said with a wicked smile “I can suck you off. I bet that’ll make _all_ the hurt go away.”

If he had been eating or drinking something, Joseph would have died choking. Like literally. _Suck me off…shit…_

That inkling alone got him excited. Not just him mentally being like ‘holy shit, a girl wants to give me a blow job,’ but his blood literally flew south. A mouth was a mouth, right? Joseph could get hard for a mouth. Hell, his half boner was already blooming in anticipation at such a thought.

A mouth was a mouth and Joseph could just close his eyes. That way he could not only not have to look at the fact that it was a girl on her knees instead of a guy but it could be that he was just enjoying himself. And he was sure he would so even better. It wouldn’t be a lie.

Yeah, he could do that. Joseph could _totally_ do that.

“I even swallow,” she added with a dirty smirk.

“Fuck,” he couldn’t help but whisper, his eyes wide as he stared at this girl whose name he didn’t even know. Shame on him but who gave a fuck? Not him who was about to get his first blow job. “I’m sure I won’t even remember that I got hit after that. Blow my mind, sweetheart.”

 

 

Lord had she blown his mind. He knew he was still wearing a very satisfied smirk as he came and leaned on Liam’s Porsche beside the other boy but there was no way Joseph could wipe it off.

Jesus fucking Christ.

The other boy spared him a glance before turning back to the crowd which was a little thinner because it was so late. “You got laid.”

“Didn’t,” Joseph replied as he grabbed a water bottle and twisted the cap off. “But I’m pretty sure I blew my brain right outa my dick.” With a dirty smirk, he couldn’t help but add “Straight into a very talented mouth.”

Liam let out an impressed whistle before he laughed and shook his head. “You shoulda just went the whole mile if she was that willing. Not a whole ton of girls are for that. At least out of the ones I’ve been with.”

He was almost tempted to ask if Eva was one of the ones who did but Joseph didn’t want to be an ass to the one person who was almost a friend. Almost because Joseph didn’t want any, not because Liam didn’t want to. Joseph was sure that Liam would love to be upgraded to an actual friend who Joseph would hang out with outside of needing shit and parties. One time, the other boy had tried just texting Joseph for fun, making small talk.

Joseph had ignored all the texts and when he saw him the next day, acted like he never got anything. Blondie never tried again after that.

“No condom,” he replied with a shrug. “Not a big deal anyways.” And it wasn’t. Joseph was sure there were quite a few girls who wouldn’t mind having sex with him if he asked. With such willing opportunities, Joseph wasn’t even concerned that he’d lose his chance.

“Pft,” Liam blew, “Bet it isn’t. You’ve probably gotten laid so many times, you just know there’s at least one girl willing to spread for you.”

 _Never fucked in my life but I ain’t gonna correct that. Let the rumors fly._ “Nice to be me. Don’t be jealous now.”

“Nah, I got my Eva…I mean, we haven’t had sex yet but that’s okay. She’s special and I’m not going to rush her into something she’s not ready for yet, you know?”

Surprisingly, yeah, he knew. He had been ready before Emilio and he had tried not to be pushy in convincing him to have sex. Good thing they hadn’t though. There wouldn’t be any going back from fag world then.

God, he had been so stupid. Anal sex with a guy. Joseph couldn’t help but let out a snort from his thoughts. Good thing he hadn’t reached the point of no return with Emilio. Then he’d be screwed for eternity. Stuck on the fag bandwagon.

“Good of you,” Joseph replied as he lit up a blunt. “Don’t push her or she might resent you for it.”

“Yeah, see that’s what I was thinking,” Liam said with a nod. They fell silent for a time as they shared the joint, the pulse of the music felt through the floor and igniting their feet. Eventually, Liam asked “What happened to the girl?”

“What girl?”

“The one who got down for you? I’m surprised she wasn’t all clingy.”

Another snort erupted from him. Oh, she had been clingy. Like she was expecting them to be something just because she blew him. He had been an asshole in response.

But no one should expect any less from Kavinsky around here.

_“You’re welcome,” she whispered as she was about to press her mouth to his, having put him away and zipped his pants before fixing his belt._

_There was no way Joseph was kissing her after where her mouth had been and what she had swallowed. Not a chance. He was clean and showered all the time but only fags knew the taste of dick and come and he wasn’t one._

_So no kissing._

_Turning his head away to her surprise, Joseph replied after pressing a kiss to her cheek “I ain’t kissing that mouth, baby. Those flavors are all for you. But thank you, blew my mind straight outa there.”_

_She looked hurt and confused as she said “It’s your dick.”_

_“Yeah,” he drawled while sucking on her neck. She was trying to push him off to get him to face her but eventually gave up when the sensations took over. “But baby,” he mumbled against her skin, “dicks are for sexy bitches to enjoy. Not me.”_

_The girl didn’t speak until he separated from her neck, satisfied that he left a damning mark. With her face flushed, she hugged him closer, her arms around his neck. Hurt was still reflected in her eyes and worsened when he unwrapped himself from her and grabbed his hat off the hood of the car. He pressed one last kiss to her temple before walking off and laughing “Thanks for the good time, sweets.”_

“You just left her after saying thanks?” Liam asked in disbelief. For a guy who said he used to fuck around before Eva, he sure looked offended. “You could have, I don’t know, reciprocated or something. I mean, did you even give her a kiss?”

Joseph wasn’t going to explain the whole ‘dicks for bitches’ thing. “Why would I? I’m not gonna give her ideas that I might want more than a fun time. She offered to suck my cock, I said yes, she blew me fantastically, I got off, and everyone’s happy.”

Redhead wasn’t but Joseph really didn’t care. He had just been excited that when she pulled down his jeans and underwear that he had been hard. And that he had gotten off because of a girl.

In your face, faggotness.

“That’s fucked up,” Liam muttered after a snort of disgust.

“Don’t expect anything more of me than that, princess.”

It looked like Liam had something else to say but Joseph’s attention was cut off as some guy started shouting. Joseph couldn’t make out the words over the music and people who were still cheering or shouting or whatever the hell they were doing. Pushing his way through the crowd to where Joseph could sort of make out his stalky form, the guy yelled something again but the words still carried off into the music.

“Shut off the music,” Joseph told Liam as the guy continued shouting. A foreboding feeling pitted in his stomach. Something had to be wrong.

Liam cut off the music to the boos of the crowd but now the stalky boy’s words came through. “Someone help, please!”

The beating of his heart picked up a little because something bad happening was not what he had planned for. But when he spoke, Joseph made sure his voice was steady as he called out to the boy. “Something wrong?”

Turning quickly to find who spoke, Joseph waved the guy over as their gazes caught. He rushed over, relief on the borders of his eyes. “Please, I need help-”

He cut him off with a raise of his hand. “Skip the needs and wants and pleads. The fuck is wrong?”

“My brother. He’s unconscious,” the boy said quickly, the panic coming out with this revelation. “I can’t get him up.”

Shit.

Fuck.

Shit fuck.

He had tried to make sure he only gave each person three pills but there was no way Joseph could keep track of who gave who what. Plus, it could be alcohol, right?

Joseph doubted it.

Setting his water bottle on the floor, Joseph gestured for the kid to lead the way. “Lemme see.”

Quickly pushing their way through the crowd, the stalky guy took them to a prone form on the floor. Joseph knew he looked completely calm on the outside but Jesus fucking Christ was he panicking on the inside. He was proud for not having it show though as he crouched down beside the other kid.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” the brother said on the border of hysterics. “He just won’t get up.”

 _Don’t be dead, don’t be dead, don’t be fucking dead._ Reaching a hand out, Joseph checked for a pulse and breathed a sigh of relief when he found a faint one. It was dark but…the guy’s lips were looking blue…

Shit.

Putting his ear to the guy’s mouth, Joseph bit his lip hard as he focused to feel something.

The guy wasn’t breathing.

 _Oh Jesus fuck…_ “I think he overdosed,” Joseph said quickly, looking to the stalky boy. “You call an ambulance?”

“S-Should I?”

“Should you?” Joseph practically shouted because no one was dying today. “Yes, you fucking idiot! Do you want him to fucking die?” Yanking out his own phone, he quickly typed in 911. “I’ll do it.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Yeah, uh, this guy I think overdosed. I need an ambulance. Fast.” This wasn’t the way the night was supposed to end. Jesus fuck, he was on the verge of a panic attack. “Now.”

When the operator asked for details, he handed the phone over to Liam to deal as he focused back on the guy. There was a crowd watching them now, watching as Joseph felt like the most useless person in the world.

“Do we know what he used?” Liam said, probably repeating what the operating asked before tapping on Joseph’s shoulder. He flipped his hand like ‘do we?’

Joseph could figure but if he handed over one of the pills…

He’d be in so much shit.

Running a hand in his hair after removing his hat, Joseph bit his lip as he tried to decide what to do. This guy’s life depended on him but…Jesus, he’d be in so much trouble. With the law, not even just his mother.

Dear God, help him.

 _I’m not gonna kill another person._ Nodding quickly as he made up his mind, Joseph replied “Yeah, yeah we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	20. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> School's exhausting. Last semesters are a pain. Have some Kavinsky who's less Joseph than asshole.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I don’t know how to live, mayko.”_

Opening the door to see who rang the bell, Joseph’s heart fell out of his chest as he came face to face with a cop.

Oh Jesus. _Don’t panic, act normal._

“Can I help you?” Joseph smiled, trying to stuff his nerves down into a huge hole so they wouldn’t show their ugly ass faces.

A week after the party and Joseph had been sitting on pins and needles, just waiting for shit to trace back to him. They had gotten the other guy to the Henrietta hospital once the ambulance came, Joseph giving one of the blue pills to the brother.

Along with a threat.

_Flicking out his knife, Joseph put the tip on the soft spot of the underside of the boy’s chin. It was just them and the unconscious brother who they had carried together over to the edge of the drag strip to wait for the ambulance. Moving him might not have been smart but Joseph wanted the paramedics away from the commotion of the party._

_“I’m saving your brother’s life but don’t you dare say that this came from me. Or else I’ll take yours.”_

The threat was empty because Joseph really didn’t want to kill someone after his two horrible experiences but the stalky brother didn’t know that. He gave a panicked nod before Joseph put the knife away as the ambulance sirens became louder.

OD boy had lived, his stomach getting the charcoal treatment. It seemed the kid wasn’t even from around here which had shocked Joseph. Word had reached far if a kid and his brother from three counties over had come to the party.

“You…” the uniform flipped a page in his notepad, “Kavinsky?”

“Yessir. Something wrong?”

With a gaze that was sizing him up, the cop replied “Parents home?”

“No,” Joseph answered. Thank God, she wasn’t. “My mom actually just left. Sorry.”

“S’alright,” the cop nodded, actually looking relieved. Maybe he thought he could talk to Joseph easier without her here. Technically because he was a minor, he wasn’t supposed to be talking to a cop without adult supervision. The cop knew that. “Wanted to chat with you, actually. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” No, no it wasn’t.

“You hear about the boy who OD’d?”

Joseph nodded, crafting his tale carefully in his head in case he needed it. “Heard he’s okay.”

“Yes, he is. But it seems he took something that no doctor has ever seen before. They were a bit confused by this little blue pill that they actually thought was Viagra. His brother doesn’t know where it came from and talking to a few other kids got me the same stuff. A little redhead said she didn’t know either but she wished this other guy had OD’d on it. I ask who. Guess what she said?”

That damn bitch. “I…guess me, sir.”

“Yeah, you,” the cop nodded. He was a stout man who looked like he thought like Blue in that raven boys weren’t worth the ground they walked on. “Said you deserved it more. Think maybe you wanna tell me why and if anyone offered you a pill? I can’t seem to get a list of who went to or held this party so anything you know would help.”

“Spurned lover,” Joseph said with an easy shrug. “She wasn’t my thing. And no, no one offered me anything but…” Best part about a lie was making it believable with a little bit of truth. He could do that. “I threw the party, sir. I don’t know who brought the alcohol or these apparent pills. I’m sorry, I didn’t expect it to get so out of hand. We were all just supposed to have some fun. I’m really glad the guy is okay, though. I was really scared when I found him on the floor not breathing. And thankful that I had my phone.”

Did that sound good enough? He sure hoped so and thought it did.

The cop seemed lost in the explanation, nodding as he thought with the tip of his pen in his mouth. “The operator didn’t get a name for the call. You did that?”

“Of course,” Joseph said with a smile. Technically him and Liam but who was keeping track of technicalities? “I hardly wanted someone to die, sir.”

“You know nothing about them pills?”

“I really wish I did,” he said in mock sincerity. God, was he good at this. _Andrey, you would be proud of my talents._ “And if I hear anything, I’ll let you know. Do you have a card, sir?”

He stared at Joseph like he was the most confusing thing in the world before shaking himself out of it. “Yeah, yeah,” the cop murmured as he pulled one out of his pocket. Joseph didn’t think most beat cops did but then…Henrietta had a sheriff’s department so they were way more small town than Hoboken. Not to mention that they didn’t have ‘beat cops’ per se. Nobody walked the streets around here like in Jersey or New York. Handing it to Joseph, he said “Thanks and good job saving the kid.”

“Thank you,” Joseph grinned like the praise meant everything. To the old Joseph, it might have. “And I’ll definitely let you know if I find out anything. Have a good day, officer.”

Once the cop was gone and Joseph shut the door, he heaved a heavy sigh as he slid down the door onto the floor. The pain in his side wasn’t too bad anymore, just twinges here and there. It was actually just more ugly than painful now with mottled bruises here and there. “Oh Jesus fucking Christ, that could have gone horrible. Thank you, God, for being nice for once.”

  

* * *

 

Handing over her debit card because this small shop only had one of those small scanners where the cashier had to do it, Vesela stared curiously at the older woman before her who kept staring at the card with scrunched brows. “Is something wrong?”

“Your last name is Kavinsky?”

“Uh, yes…”

The woman made a displeased face as she slid the card through. “Debit or credit.”

“Debit. Is something the matter?”

Looking at Vesela like she was a disgust, the cashier and her chapped lips replied “Not much of a mother are you?”

“Excuse you?” Vesela said incredulously once she got her words working. What the hell? Who the hell did this woman think she was? And for that matter, it’s not like she knew Joseph for her to judge.

“I mean, I shouldn’t expect much from Aglionby mothers. I’m surprised you even came with yours. Most just dump them in the dorms. They don’t want the headache that comes with them and expect us to deal with it.”

“I think you need to watch how you speak,” Vesela all but snapped. Was it rude to slap an older lady? Probably but seriously, what the fuck?

Rolling her eyes as she handed Vesela’s card back, she replied as they waited for the machine to process the transaction “Dear, my grandson came back from a party your son threw smelling like alcohol and pot. I even heard a boy overdosed on something no hospital has even seen. Your rearing skills obviously need work.”

She knew she was blinking stupidly at the woman but she couldn’t help it. Joseph threw the party? But…what? That didn’t make sense.

“Oh,” the woman laughed as she handed Vesela her receipt. “Your face says you had no clue. Oh, that’s cute. No Aglionby boy is innocent, dear.” She pushed over Vesela’s bag, “Especially not yours.”

Grabbing her bag on almost autopilot as she walked out of the store and to her car, Vesela couldn’t wrap her head around what she’d heard. Joseph didn’t throw parties, no way. And alcohol? Just…no way. She had smelled him when he had come home just like the first time and there had been nothing but weed. As she got in and put her bag on the passenger seat, Vesela wondered if it was just the woman being an ass. But then…how would she know their last name?

There was only one way to get answers.

Walking into the house and slamming the door shut once she made it home, she dropped her bag on the island of the kitchen and shouted “Joseph! Get your ass down here!”

Her son came in seconds, staring at her warily as he bounced down the stairs with Peanut hot on his heels. How could this adorable cat-loving freak hold drug-filled parties? “Something wrong? Why are you yelling?”

Scratching her head because she was just so confused, she crossed her arms and raised a brow. “Answer me honestly or hell will be dragged in today. Did you throw that party you went to on the Fourth?”

Vesela knew the minute that he bit his lip that he had. Joseph had become one hell of a convincing liar but that habit always caught him. Hooking his thumbs in the waistband of his shorts, Joseph replied “Mayko, I didn’t. I just went to one. C’mon, I know no one and I’m gonna throw a party? Really?”

True but still. She’d seen and heard crazier things. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not-”

“Don’t.”

Rolling his eyes, Joseph snorted “I’m not ly-”

“Stop fucking lying to me!” she yelled in frustration causing him to clam up and stare at the floor. This was just insane. Joseph threw a party with alcohol and drugs.

Joseph.

“When you leave this house, when I let you go out, I put the trust that you’re not doing something stupid or dangerous. I trust that my son knows better than that. How wrong I was.”

Picking his head up and crossing his own arms, he said in an exasperated tone “Mayko, it was just a party. That’s normal.”

“Just a party where there wasn’t only alcohol but drugs too. Where a boy fucking overdosed. That sound normal to you? For that matter, the Joseph I know would never even care to throw a party. He’d be disgusted to be around people who’d do those types of stupid things.”

“Did it ever occur to you,” Joseph hissed, the vein on his forehead pulsing as he got angry, “That the Joseph you knew doesn’t exist anymore? That maybe he realized how fucking stupid he was and decided that he was going to be something better?”

“This is better to you?” she asked with a raised brow and a slight touch of disgust. “This?”

Letting out a dry laugh that reminded her too much of Ivo, Joseph snorted “At least like this, nothing can hurt me because like this I could care less if I hurt someone. Like this, I can take and take and take and not care. And I don’t care. Hell, I had a girl get on her knees for me and I didn’t even give her a kiss saying thanks.”

That struck her into silence as she was once more for her day resorted to blank blinking. Joseph just smirked as he waited for her reaction, satisfaction all over his face at striking silent. Catching her words, she said “I’m sorry, what?”

Smirk growing larger, her child repeated “I had a girl on her knees for me.” With a laugh, Joseph added “Oh the wonders of oral sex, right? And she liked to swallow. Even better, I think.” Her jaw literally fell open causing him to laugh some more. “Surprise, Vesela! Your son had a girl sucking his dick and blew his load down her pretty throat! A fag can’t do that but I sure could! Know why? Because I’m not a fucking faggot!”

And they were back to where all of their problems stemmed from. Ivo’s opinion to her son had always been higher than hers because he worked so hard to earn his father’s attention and love. So no matter how many times Vesela told him not to speak that way, that he was fine the way he was, it never mattered.

Because Ivo said he was a fag. And that was the only opinion Joseph would ever acknowledge on the subject.

Correcting him would just get them into a new shitload so instead she focused on the other problem. The apparent girl. Grinding her jaw, she ground out “I wouldn’t be so proud for using a girl.”

“But see, Kavinsky don’t give a shit,” he explained, like it made complete sense. It sure as hell didn’t to her. Kavinsky? But then, that was how the woman had known them.

“Kavinsky,” Joseph continued, “gets to use whoever he wants. He gets to _ruin_ whoever he wants whenever the fuck he wants because no one can take him down. No one is going to make him feel like shit the way they always just trampled over Joseph.” She could see the muscles of his jaw tensing as he himself ground his teeth. “No one. So he is going to use and ruin every single fucking person he meets. And everyone who gets in his way.”

It was hard to believe that it was her beautiful son standing before her. He looked like him, seemed like him, but it wasn’t. His eyes were never filled with such hateful fury, his stance never so aggressive. It just wasn’t Joseph. Hell, Vesela wasn’t sure that it ever would be as he gave her a pointed once over and practically growled “Everyone.”

Nodding because she was tired and couldn’t do this anymore, she said while barely keeping the tears out of her voice even though they were streaming down her cheeks “Nice to know how much I mean to you.” Turning to the island and pulling out the little box of fresh cheesecake she had bought for him, Vesela set it out and added “Enjoy the cheesecake I got you. I thought it looked delicious.”

He said nothing but something flickered in his eyes behind the thing that was covering her child’s beauty. With as much dignity as her stupid crying self could manage, Vesela walked over to the staircase, slipping off her shoes before climbing up to go cry in the dark of her room. The heat of his gaze burned her back but she refused to look down.

And when he knocked in the middle of the night asking to come in with the sweet tone of her baby filled with remorse, she refused to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Couple things. One, we're going back to two times a week because I need to focus on school at the moment so I don't have as much time to write. Two, I have four Snapshots half written that will hopefully get done and posted over the next couple weeks.
> 
> So schedule for the current time being is Sun/Thurs updates. So next chpt comes Thurs, not Tues. Sorry guys. Final semesters of uni are so over packed with work, it's crazy.
> 
> Enjoy today! Also don't forget, suggestions for stuff are always welcome. Storylines, characters, whatevs. I can usually make something happen.
> 
> _“How about I fuck you instead?”_

“School starts tomorrow,” he murmured before taking a bite of toast. He left it a little too long but he wasn’t generally a waster so he still sat eating it.

“That it does,” his mother replied, entirely focused on the newspaper in front of her.

He was waiting for her to say ‘excited?’ or maybe ‘ready?’ but it seemed that was all that would come out of her mouth this morning. Sighing, Joseph went back to looking down at his meager breakfast that somehow seemed able to fill him up. He was sure that it could barely even fill Albena and yet it made him feel like a pig.

This scene wasn’t something new; for the past month and a half, ever since they had fought, his mother would barely speak to him. She could chat a storm or laugh so loud to where it echoed throughout the empty house with his tétka or even his tetíncho but for him?

Nothing.

Joseph couldn’t even remember her ever giving him a smile the past weeks. They could say ten words to each other for the whole day and she’d think that was plenty enough. It was nothing to Joseph who only had her. His mother was literally the only one in his life that he had and yet he had fucked that up too.

 _But wasn’t that what you wanted? You knew what your words would do._ However, when he had said them, he had just thought that, well, she’d get over it. He’d apologize and everything would be fine like when they usually had a fight. But his mother didn’t want to give him anything at all. Not even a centimeter and Joseph was ready to just lay on the floor and cry.

Not that he didn’t cry in the dark of the night already.

Her silence was unnerving and shattered his already cracked heart into thousands of pieces. Joseph had no idea what it would take for his apologies to be accepted but nothing was working. He had gone to her room in the night the day of the fight but she hadn’t even responded to him. Just completely ignored his pleas to come in. After spending at least ten minutes throwing up the cheesecake from guilt, all he had wanted was maybe a hug. Her beautiful voice telling him that it was okay and that everything would be fine just like she always did.

None of that had happened. She hadn’t even asked the next morning about him throwing up. Just ignored him like he was nothing. He knew he was nothing already but he didn’t need his mother reiterating the point. Mothers weren’t supposed to do that.

When their fight had first happened, Joseph had made a point of staying home for a few days to show her that he didn’t need to go out and that she could trust him. Not that it mattered because she didn’t even register the fact that he was home. Or rather, she just acted like he wasn’t. Also, there was the fact that every time _she_ went out, her frown was larger when she looked at him and something told him those rumors that made him infamous to students were making it to her ears.

Disappointment literally came off in waves from her; Joseph could actually feel them, striking him one after the other. He understood, really, but that didn’t mean he liked facing it. She probably heard the rumors of how he was the one passing out the drugs, the one who planned the whole thing, the one who – per rumor obviously – fucked any girl he wanted, or the one selling weed.

Yeah, he had taken Liam’s business. He gave the blonde boy a cut to be nice but he knew it was a bitter point between them right now.

The cops had gotten wind of the drug rumor and had come knocking on his door once more. His mother had been home but in the shower and Joseph once again thanked God that He was being helpful in this situation. More questions had come and Joseph gave them half-truths that they seemingly believed. Two cops had come and while the first one walked away, the woman cop gave him a look full of meaning.

_“I can make this all disappear, you know.”_

_Looking at her with a raised brow because he actually didn’t know what she meant, Joseph replied “Sorry?”_

_Rolling her eyes, she said as she stuck out her hand “Grand and it’s all gone.”_

_The hand was between them and it took Joseph a minute to realize that she meant a thousand dollars. She wanted him to bribe her? Joseph thought his lies were plenty and convincing but if she could make this all disappear… “Yeah?”_

_“Yup. Put it out, rich boy.”_

_Was that what rich boys around here did? Bribe people to get what they wanted? Surly a mobster’s son could do it too? Do it even better? “Fifteen ‘cause I like you.”_

_The woman’s eyes brightened in excitement and Joseph knew she wasn’t just trying to play him and get him in trouble. “I’m down.”_

Joseph had only recently made a bank account so he could carry around a debit card. He had put in whatever money he had saved through the years which wasn’t much and kept some as cash. But what kind of Aglionby boy went around broke compared to the other ones? Not him. Definitely not Kavinsky.

So he sent money from his mother’s account to his. Forged her signature and everything. If Ivo did it, why couldn’t he? Plus, it wasn’t stealing from her, it was stealing from her bastard.

And that was totally cool with him.

He knew that Ivo could easily see who took his money and where it was going. It didn’t matter though because Joseph knew that the man wouldn’t do anything about it. He’d maybe check into the account once in a while to try and find out what Joseph was doing with the money but that was it.

Because he was now rich with the money actually being in his control, Joseph had taken out thousands in cash over weeks to put away just in case. Sometimes, cash was required. That moment with the cop had been one of those moments. The officer must have kept her word because no one ever come around again and there wasn’t a peep from the sheriff’s department.

Problem solved.

“We should go shopping for school supplies,” Joseph added, trying to get a conversation going. She used to love when they’d go shopping together but now she wouldn’t even bother asking him, she’d just leave. “I need a backpack too. Also, we haven’t gotten anything for their uniform code.”

Her only reply was a shrug with her saying “You have a car and money. Knock yourself out.”

“You don’t wanna go with me?” _Please?_

Another shrug. “Too tired. I’m sure you’d prefer being alone anyways. Cool kids don’t drag their mother’s around.”

Frustration ready to explode forth, Joseph stood from his chair causing it to shriek on the tile as he grabbed his plate and cup, practically slamming them into the sink when he reached it. “Fuck you,” he couldn’t help but snap as he walked passed her over to the stairs. “Just fuck you.”

He made sure to slam his door as hard as possible once he was in his room before he threw himself on his bed, letting all his pain and frustrations flood out in tears. It wasn’t fair; he was trying and trying and she just wouldn’t budge. What did she want from him exactly? Apologies had been given in every single form possible and nothing was good enough. Was it fun shunning him? Was it fucking amusing to watch him hurt?

Peanut ended up joining him as he felt her body curl up into his side, purring and trying to comfort him. He even heard the roughness of her tongue getting caught on his shirt as she licked it. Or maybe she just missed her fur and ended up getting him.

Joseph only got up when he heard her in her bathroom washing up. Flushing his face with cold water to get some of his dried tears cleaned up and maybe help with his puffy eyes, Joseph opened his door and went to her room. He didn’t bother with knocking or asking, just went in and sat down on her bed. His mother spared him a glance when she came out of her bathroom but said nothing as she went to her dresser and opened a drawer.

“You said you don’t hate me,” he mumbled in misery, not able to stand her silence and indifference any longer. “You swore. You said it didn’t matter about fights or hassle o-or m-m-messes. You s-swore, mayko.” The tears were back and breaking his words as he dropped his head into his hands. “So w-why d-do you hate me?”

His breath caught in his throat when arms suddenly wrapped around him from behind, clutching him tight as her chin rested on his shoulder, her cheek pressed to his. “P-Please, m-mayko. D-Don’t hate m-me. Y-You’re all I have l-l-left.”

A kiss pressed on his temple while fingers brushed his messy hair back. Being deprived of such simple touches for what felt like forever made him hungry for more. Hold him even closer or cuddle with him on the couch or the bed as they enjoyed comfortable silence.

Just something.

“Joseph,” came her soft voice, her breath hot on his ear. “I don’t hate you and could never hate you even if you were the most horrible person to me. I swore and I mean it.”

“T-Then why w-w-won’t you do anything with m-me?” he stuttered as he hiccupped. “W-Why won’t you talk o-or s-sit w-with me o-o-or…anything.”

Scooting so he felt her sitting right beside him but making sure that she still held him, his mother whispered “Sweetheart, look at me.” Joseph shook his head; he didn’t want her to see how pathetic he was, face stained with tears and nose dripping with snot. “Joseph.”

“You swore,” Joseph repeated, his voice breaking on the words. “You swore, you swore, you swore. You k-know how m-much you’re killing me? H-Hurting me?” The only explanation that he could come up with was that she thought this was funny. It had to be just oh so amusing for her.

“Do you know how much it hurts to be told by your only beautiful wonderful child that he’s willing to hurt you because he doesn’t care? Because he wants to? Because he thinks it’s cool? Do you know how horrible it makes a person feel?”

He didn’t have a child, so no, but he knew how horrible it felt to have your mother shunning you. That had to be close. “Terrible.”

Joseph literally wanted to whine at the loss of her warm embrace but he felt her hands on his knees and knew she was crouching in front of him. Her hands pulled his away and picked up his face by the chin just enough so they could look at each other. Pain reflected in her eyes but they weren’t angry or disgusted.

They were just his mother.

“Terrible,” his mother nodded, repeating his answer. “Absolutely terrible and horrible and agonizing to hear your child tell you to your face that your completely worthless to him. Terrible, Joseph. Baby, we didn’t leave behind hell to make ourselves a new one. We’re supposed to be happy and living, not falling into a pit where we’ll never climb out of. Where we say horrible things, hurting each other for fun.”

_“I was ready for boyfriends or gay porn.”_

Was she really? She brought them here so Joseph could get away from everything but he had never imagined that she wanted him to…well, to live. To enjoy.

To be himself.

But Joseph didn’t know how to be himself anymore. Hell, he didn’t even know what that meant or who that was. That person was too afraid to come out, to show their face to the world and be blatantly rejected because he was a nerdy fag. Who liked that? “I don’t know how to live, mayko.”

The flash of distress that passed through her eyes was so sharp and painful to look at that Joseph wished he had kept the truth locked in. He didn’t want her worrying more than she always had. Cupping his face in her small hands, she replied “You live the way you always have, baby. You read, you smile, you laugh, you build things, you draw things. Do things that make you happy, not things that you think people want from you.”

“I don’t know how to be happy,” he whispered, his tears welling once more. That was the first time he had said that aloud and he never realized how true it was until it was out in the world. “I can’t do it.”

“Do I make you happy?”

He blinked at her in surprise, his tear-filled eyes wide. “Of course.” Why did she think he had been so miserable without her?

Smiling and kissing him on the tip of his nose, she said “Then we just have to spend lots more time together. And we can do everything that used to make you happy until you remember how much you loved them. How’s that?”

It sounded…good. That had to help, right? Gnawing on the corner of his bottom lip while a small flame of relief hit his heart, Joseph murmured “That sounds okay.”

His mother stood and hugged him tight, pressing millions of kisses to his hair. Maybe not millions but all the same. It felt good being pressed into her, the scent of her alone able to calm him down. “But when we draw cars, don’t laugh at mine. Art is not my thing, history is.”

Joseph had asked his mother once years ago what she had wanted to be when she ‘grew up’ and why she never went to college. She had said that her dream was to be an archeologist but then it became a historian focusing on the Slavic people. College hadn’t happened because she wanted to feel and enjoy ‘being an adult’ without school pressuring her. And then she married his father and wanted to feel ‘married life.’

And then Joseph had come along after a couple years.

For a time, he had wondered if she wasn’t happy that she didn’t get to live her dream but when he asked that, she had replied with a huge smile and sparkling eyes.

_“My dream now is watching my boy grow and make himself a wonderful person. And, you know, maybe a grandchild or two.”_

Wrapping his arms around her, Joseph was actually able to give a small laugh in reply. “’Kay, I won’t.”

“Now,” his mother said as she crouched down once more, “I’m pretty sure you have chinos and button shirts in your closet.”

“Well…yeah but…I need to go pants shopping. I only have one pair of chinos and if I have to wear them all week, I should have two so I can switch out.”

Slapping her forehead in a playful way, she laughed “But of course! It would be terrible if you couldn’t switch!”

“Don’t laugh at me,” he snorted in amusement as he stood, grabbing her hand in his and taking her to his room. Just hearing her laugh for him was already making him feel a bit better. Letting go of her hand, he grabbed his chinos from the laundry basket and held them out to her. “These are all I’ve got. I need another. And I only have one white button down, I need at least three.” He was supposed to have picked up his uniform sweater yesterday but Joseph hadn’t gone. Maybe today then. Also, wasn’t he supposed to wear a tie?

Fuck this uniform.

With his pants held up, his mother looked between him and his chinos, seemingly confused. “Baby, these fit you?”

Of course they fit him. He had worn them only a few days ago. Joseph hadn’t gone out for the past days because he had a headache from so many failed attempts of a life-sized Evo. There was always something wrong. One had a huge ass wing that didn’t make sense. Another, no doors except this time there was literally no doors. As if someone had yanked them off. There were many others and so many other mistakes.

It was ridiculous.

But he wasn’t going to give up because he knew he’d figure it out eventually, just like he had with making people.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t they?”

She gave another glance to his legs before handing them to him. “Put them on. They look short.”

“Mayko, don’t be stupid,” he snorted as he yanked off his shorts. Standing in front of his mother in just his boxer briefs didn’t bother him in the least. Hello, she was his mother. “Why would I suddenly get taller out of nowhere?” Pulling the pants up his meager waist and thinking that he might have lost more weight, Joseph looked down at his feet in surprise. “The fuck?”

The bottom of his pants came above his knobby thin ankles.

“Shit, I grew…” A smile unwittingly bloomed on his face. “I fucking grew!” Joseph couldn’t wait to measure himself. He had to be past six feet. What if he was as tall as Ivo? Fuck, that’d be so cool.

Shaking her head as she laughed at his reaction, his mother said “Looks like we’re shopping for more than chinos then. Might have to replace all of your pants.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> The soup mention in this chpt? I actually made it last week, week before?, something like that. It was delicious. You guys should seriously try it. There are a lot of different recipes but I picked one from some lady's blog. Family recipe she said. Really good. 
> 
> Snapshots should be coming next week and the week after. I got one in Anka's pov about their first Fourth without Joseph and Vesela, a six year old Joseph making a snowfamily and getting invited for cocoa, a depressed Emilio and Christmas, and a Chaerin and Daniel because my bro is obsessed.  
> I'm also thinking a Joseph/Emilio Valentines. Or maybe like a multi pov of how the different couples I got do Valentines. Idk. If you care enough, spare an opinion. Idk how many ppl actually bother to read Snapshots besides my obvs few
> 
> And enjoy! It's the first day of school.
> 
> _"You know, you’re entirely more fuckable when you’re a mess.”_

No wonder Emilio had hated biology.

This shit sounded hard. God help him when chemistry came around. God help _Emilio_ when chemistry came around. Of the two of them, Joseph had always been the more academic one. And if chem was going to tear him down then it was going to ruin Emilio.

Joseph actually liked learning science but Aglionby made everything seem harder than it actually should be. Probably because the school thought that it was all high and mighty. It was lunch hour now and he’d been to four of his classes so far. Joseph was pretty sure that he disliked all four of those teachers.

Man, this was going to suck balls.

He was sitting on a bench on the ‘green’ flipping through the bio teacher’s syllabus when a bag suddenly dropped onto the tabletop. Liam plopped down beside Joseph seconds later with Jordan sitting across from him. The dude still made him uneasy but Joseph had yet to figure out why. It was more than knowing that the guy had a thing for him. There was an underlying of something that had Joseph worried.

If he was lucky, the worry was unfounded.

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so sharp,” Liam snorted in amusement as he pulled his lunch from his bag. “Or without a cap. Who knew there was hair under there?”

“Ha. Ha,” Joseph replied, still reading the syllabus. Four exams a semester with a quiz a week? And a research paper? Jesus fuck. “Anyone can tell I have hair being that a hat doesn’t cover my entire head, fuckwad. Fucking dress code doesn’t allow hats which is complete bullshit.” Bullshit that he might end up breaking because really, who banned hats? He’d just wait a bit so he didn’t get in trouble his first few months here.

Hopefully.

“You don’t gotta wear a hat all the time,” Jordan jumped in, pulling out his own lunch which turned out to be just a bag of chips. “Not like you’re bald with that nice mop of black hair.”

Something told Joseph the guy was trying to compliment him in a subtle way. Maybe Jordan should’ve added ‘no homo’ at the end. It’s not like he wasn’t a little obvious. “Don’t be jealous now.” Turning to look at Liam because his food smelled really good, Joseph stared in curiosity as his very not friend opened a bowl container. “What’s that?”

“Soup.”

“Who the fuck eats hot soup in the summer,” Jordan laughed as he looked to Joseph, probably wanting him to play back up in the joke. Joseph had no intentions to because he was more focused on finding out what this delicious smelling soup was.

Also…Aglionby had a microwave? Definitely not a public school thing. Fucking prep school.

Leaning over Liam’s shoulder causing the other boy to give him a look, Joseph asked “What kind of soup? Smells really good.” It was red and looked like it had something in it. Maybe if he learned what it was, he could convince his mother to make him some.

“Oh,” Liam said with a smile. “Yeah? This is part of my heritage right here, dude. I actually made it myself too. Sometimes you get annoyed just eating sandwiches or out food or whatever the dorms are serving, y’know?” Stirring his soup and taking a spoonful, Liam added “I told you how my mom never wanted me?” Joseph nodded. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how horrible it would’ve been if his mother hadn’t wanted him. “Well, she kept me until thirteen because dad was paying her and stuff and just had a nanny look after me.”

“That fucking sucks,” Joseph couldn’t help but interrupt.

Shrugging, Liam replied “At least my nanny wanted me, so it was okay. I loved her the way I should love my mother and me and Helen were super upset when my mom and dad sent me here. Helen’s my nanny. Anyways, so she liked showing me who my family was from photo albums my mom kept around the house. My maternal grandparents came from Hungary and it seems Helen actually knew my grandma before she died because she’s been working for the family for generations and shit.”

“So she taught you about your grandma and culture?” Joseph asked. He liked this Helen. “That’s cool.”

“Right? She taught me lots of stuff including food. Even dug through the attic to find my grandma’s recipe book. She gave it to me before I left and said to make sure I didn’t grow fat on fast food.”

“Huh,” Joseph murmured as he thought of how much it would suck not knowing where he came from. He was very proud of his heritage and the thought that people grew up without recognizing or simply ignoring theirs was crazy. How could Liam’s mom not want her son to know about his culture? Or maybe she just didn’t care enough about him to bother. “So what’s the soup?”

Taking another spoonful, Liam answered “Halászlé or fisherman’s soup. I heard it’s really popular in Hungary though I’ve never been so that could be Wikipedia conjecture. It’s spicy with lots of paprika and then there are a couple vegetables and some fish. Usually carp but Henrietta doesn’t have that so I just settle for any kind of white fish I can find.”

“Can I try some?”

Liam looked surprised at Joseph interest. He didn’t know why; who didn’t want to try new food? “Uh, yeah, sure.” He dug through his bag until he came up with a bag that had bread in it. “I like to dip it sometimes,” he explained as he handed Joseph a piece.

Taking his ripped piece and scooping into the soup, making sure he didn’t stick his fingers in while getting a piece of fish, Joseph popped it into his mouth before he dripped. After swallowing, he said “Fuck, that’s delicious.”

“Yeah?”

“Hell, yeah. Whatever recipe you use, gimme it so my mom can make it.”

“Yeah?”

Raising a brow as he stole another piece of bread, Joseph asked “Why are you so surprised? It’s fucking good.”

“Most people aren’t excited about Hungarian food. Or, at least, certain people.” Liam shot an annoyed glance at Jordan, “Most don’t even know Hungary unless they’re making fun of the name.”

“Then they’re idiots,” Joseph snorted, knowing full well he just indirectly called Jordan an idiot. “Also, I like trying new foods and Hungarian food can’t be that far off from Bulgarian.” Or maybe it was, he had no clue. He’d only had this soup so far.

“You’re Bulgarian?”

“Yessir,” Joseph nodded. “From both sides. My-” he froze, realizing that he had no way of explaining that Ivo came from Bulgaria without saying some sort of paternal word. “Uh…my…” Liam was staring at him in confusion, wondering why he was faltering. “My mom’s husband,” Joseph finally decided upon, “was born there and came here at seventeen. My mom was born here but her parents come from Bulgaria.”

“Mom’s husband…so your dad?” Jordan tried to clarify.

Playing with the corner of his syllabus, Joseph said in a firm voice “I don’t call him that.”

“But he’s your dad?”

Frustrated at not having the words he needed, Joseph finally ground out “In the biological sense, yes. But I don’t consider Ivo a father anymore.”

“Ooh sob story,” Jordan laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. Even if this guy didn’t make Joseph’s sirens alert, he wouldn’t like him. He didn’t have a good person hiding in there like Liam did. “Let’s hear it. Liam’s shared plenty with you.”

The ass made it sound like Liam sharing carried over to his sorry stupid face. Joseph didn’t think he knew a single thing about Jordan beyond the basics.

Somehow, Liam knew that Joseph was getting pissed and wasn’t willing to share. “Dude, drop it. Not your fucking business.” Turning back to their former conversation, he asked “So Slavic?”

He was still glaring at Jordan but finally said as he focused back on Liam “Yeah. It’s funny when you say you come from Eastern Europe and people automatically ask if you’re Russian. Fucking annoying ignorant idiots.”

“Yup,” Liam nodded. “I said that once and this guy was shocked that there were more countries there than Russia. Like are you fucking serious?” Going back to eating his amazing soup, Liam added “Also when they call me a Slav. Like fuck you. Nothing against Slavs but Hungarians aren’t Slavic. I may be still learning about my heritage but I know that much.”

Damn, was he liking this guy more and more. But he wasn’t going to break his ‘no friends’ policy. Joseph knew that only trouble would come from it. Friendship wasn’t worth the head or heartache.

“Hey, so any parties any time soon?” Jordan asked, nudging Joseph under the table to get his attention. “People been asking where they could buy shit but Liam said you ain’t selling anything beyond little bits of weed. People want those pills, man.”

As if he’d do parties right now after he had finally gotten his mother to forgive him. “School just started, bitch. Can’t get thrown out my first semester.”

“Just pay the headmaster.”

“The what.”

Jordan looked at him like he was an idiot which Joseph didn’t appreciate. “Thee head-master.”

“Saying it slower don’t change shit, piss-shit,” Joseph snapped, getting annoyed. “Do you mean principal?”

Smirking and making that face that meant ‘such a primitive creature’ – yes, there was a face for that – Jordan said even slower “Yes. The prin-ci-pal.”

“Fucking prep school bitch,” Joseph replied while flipping off the piece of shit in front of him. Headmaster. What kind of bull was that? Damn fancy ass school. Too good to even use the word principal? “How about I smash your fucking face into the table?”

“Thought you didn’t want to get in trouble the first semester?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“How about I fuck you instead?”

That’s when Joseph had enough.

 

 

“Sorry,” he sighed as his mother walked into the fancy ass office of this stupid fancy ass school, taking a seat beside him. They had to speak to ‘headmaster’ Child for his ‘misconduct.’

Bullshit.

“Lemme hear it from you before your principal,” his mother huffed, slouching into her seat.

“Headmaster.”

“What.”

Yawning and wondering what he was missing in Algebra, Joseph mumbled “Apparently in fancy ass schools, the person is called a headmaster. Bull if you ask me.”

With a snort, his mother replied “Stupid if you ask me. So, what’d you do?”

“I slammed a dude’s face into a bench during lunch. His nose ended up broken because I slammed him two more times after that to make a point.” He probably would have done worse if Liam hadn’t yanked his hands off Jordan.

“Joseph,” she groaned, her head falling into her hands, her long braid falling forward. She kept saying she needed a haircut but had yet to find a salon that satisfied her. Now that Joseph thought about it, he probably needed one too. “It’s the first day, sweetheart.”

How was he supposed to explain that he hadn’t planned on getting in trouble? It was just a reaction, he couldn’t help his anger. “He said he’d like to fuck me. As the only person who understands the mess of my sexuality and all my issues, you should be surprised that slamming his stupid face was all I did.”

Face still in her hands, his mother said quietly “Who the hell goes around telling people that he wants to fuck them.”

“Idiots,” he snorted in reply. “Also, I may have heard around that this principal likes bribes, so if they threaten my ass, we should pay them off.”

“Mrs. Kavinsky?” a man said from the room across from them, standing in the doorway.

“Yes,” she replied, standing and nudging Joseph so he could follow. “The principal?”

“Headmaster,” he corrected as they shook hands. “Headmaster Child.”

Joseph could tell his mother wanted to make another joke about that but stayed silent as they walked in and took their seats. She opened her mouth to speak but Headmaster Child beat her to it. “Mrs. Kavinsky, my school is very high standard and held to one. We have very little tolerance for misconduct, especially those of a violent nature. Your son has the grades to be here but he also needs to have the manners. I’m not convinced that he does.”

His mother had that pleasant smile on her face but Joseph knew the difference between her smiles. This one meant that she didn’t like this guy one bit. “I understand fully your meaning but I also have come to understand that my son was provoked. Was violence the answer? Perhaps not but he wasn’t the one who began the confrontation. I know my son and I know his manners. They can be impeccable. His behavior didn’t prove that today but I know otherwise.”

Even Joseph was convinced from her speech. Damn, had she been rehearsing? “You have my sincerest apologies,” Joseph added to his mother’s words. “I should have held my temper instead of confronting. This school has a standard and a good name and I’m sorry for tarnishing that with bad behavior. It won’t happen again.”

Maybe.

Headmaster Child nodded, his gaze flicking between the two of them, thinking. Joseph didn’t think they could be more convincing than that but maybe the dude needed money. Steepling his fingers in front of himself, Headmaster Child finally said “Very well. As this is your first offense, I’ll give you another chance. However, I wouldn’t push it if I were you.”

“Yes, sir. Again, my apologies.”

Nodding as he thought, Headmaster Child replied “Alright. Off to class. Watch your behavior, Mr. Kavinsky. I’ve heard plenty about it. Don’t bring it to my school.”

It was like when you were told you couldn’t have a cookie and then were caught with one. Stupid him had never thought about the rumors going beyond the ears of people around his age. “Of course, sir,” he smiled nervously after clearing his throat.

Once they stepped out of the office building that had some fancy name like every other building in this school, his mother clutched his arm and pulled him close. Whispering in his ear once she dragged his head to her height, she said “Watch your damn behavior. I don’t appreciate the looks I get when people know my last name. I didn’t get them for being married to your bashtá to be getting them because of you.”

“Sorry,” Joseph mumbled. They had just fixed their relationship and he wasn’t looking forward to screwing it up anytime soon.

With a sigh, his mother dragged him into a hug. “Love you and enjoy the rest of the day.”

“Love you too,” he replied after pressing a kiss to her hair. “See you later.”

The rest of his classes were similar in fashion to the earlier ones – syllabi and extremely complicated. Jesus help him in this school because from just looking at the papers and listening to the teachers, he knew he’d need it.

Uh.

Opening the door of his car and throwing his backpack onto the passenger seat, Joseph was about to get in when a voice he knew called him.

Double uh.

“The fuck you want,” Joseph said in the most bored tone possible as he turned and faced Jordan. From his eyes to the surrounding areas of his nose, he was bruised. He was surprised that the lacrosse player had come back to school after getting fixed up. But it was the first day so maybe Jordan hadn’t wanted to miss anything important.

Still looking pissed, Jordan hissed “You better fucking watch yourself. You’re not untouchable, bitch. Next time you decide to touch me, think twice because it’ll end with me beating you into the floor.” Giving Joseph a syrupy glance from his feet up, he added “You’re a fucking toothpick to the point where I can break you, twink. Maybe I’ll do more than that. And maybe you’d like that.”

Joseph was so caught up on trying to figure out what a twink was and if he’d ever heard it before that his brain didn’t bother to register whatever that last empty threat was. “Just fuck off before I decide to slam your stupid ass face into something again.” He looked to the Lexus parked beside him and pointed, “Into that.”

Instead of taking Joseph’s threat and the merit in it, Jordan’s smile grew large and there was this light in his eyes that disturbed Joseph to some serious depths. The dude liked him a little too much or something. Would he do something about it? Act on it?

Joseph sure hoped not.

“Whatever,” Jordan replied with an easy shrug. “Whatever you say, baby.”

Rolling his eyes and getting into his car, he called behind himself “Go fuck yourself, man. Leave me alone.”

He couldn’t see Jordan’s face but before Joseph shut the door, he heard “I told you, baby, Ima be fucking you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	23. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So the most recent chpt I did has a whole ton of dreaming conjecture in it and I'm pretty proud. Dreaming is super weird and I made up this theory about it. Obvs, true or not, we'll never know but still cool. When it comes around, I hope you guys like it. Also, if anyone wants to 'conjecturize' dreaming with me, please do. It's a hell of a sandbox.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy today! Nice sized chpt
> 
> _“I, uh, wanted to say sorry.”_

He never imagined that Walmart would end up becoming his store of choice.

Not that Joseph didn’t like Walmart – he always had – but they never used to go that much. They’d have to drive twenty minutes to Secaucus to get there. But here in Henrietta, it was the one major chain store where you could pretty much get everything you needed or wanted. For English, his teacher specifically wanted a 1 ½ binder. No more, no less. So Joseph had come to specifically get that very specific size.

“Yup,” he said into his phone.

“Pepsi, please.”

Crouching down to check out the binders on the bottom shelf, Joseph replied “You called for a Pepsi? Jesus, mayko.”

“Hey, hey, I need my caffeine. Also, paper towel and don’t get their brand, it’s terrible. But not Viva either, it leaves behind fibers.”

Sidestepping like a crab as he was still crouched to find the correct size, he murmured “Kay. Good stuff, noted.” Stuffing his phone back into his pocket before focusing back on the task at hand, Joseph bumped into someone’s leg as he continued his crab walk. “Shit, sorry.”

Then he looked up to see the person he hit.

It was Blue.

Joseph actually wasn’t happy to have to see her again. She’d treated him like shit because of her whole ‘raven boy’ outlook or whatever bullshit she had called it. He just knew that she’d like him if she’d bother and it bugged him that she didn’t want to even try a little.

Bitch.

Her eyes were lit with surprise as she replied “Uh, don’t worry about it. Hi.”

As if he was going to waste the time talking to her. Turning back to the binders, Joseph muttered “Hi.” Blue’s gaze was practically burning into his shoulder but he said nothing as he found the size he needed and grabbed it. He found it very unfunny that the universe had given him a blue binder as his only choice.

Un-fucking-funny.

“Me and my mom lit the firework you gave me. It was beautiful. Thanks.”

Why was she bothering? That’s it, she was erased for him. Standing and facing her as he dropped the binder into his basket on the floor, Joseph crossed his arms and snorted “How nice.”

“I’m just saying thanks,” she snapped, her cheeks flushed from either her annoyance or embarrassment at how he didn’t seem to care. He wasn’t sure which because he didn’t know her that well because, well, the bitch didn’t want that to happen.

“Why? I’m a raven boy, remember? No manners or whatever else bullshit you said. I don’t remember because I really don’t give a fuck, bitch.” He actually remembered every word she had said to him and he did give a fuck but she didn’t need to know all that.

Now she was definitely flushed because of anger. “Well, you just proved the manners part.”

“Whatever,” Joseph said as he grabbed his basket. “It’s not like you give a fuck anyways. Acting like you’re all high and mighty and shit. I’m not beneath you.”

“I never said-”

“Don’t wanna hear it. Maybe it’s your poor ass beneath mine. Ever think of that? Maybe your so fucking prejudice against raven boys because you realized how fucking insignificant you are compared. Especially to me.”

She was red as hell while being a mixture of pissed and hurt, her arms crossed tight across her chest and the muscle of her jaw flexing where she must be clenching down. Joseph was happy that his words stung, it meant that she might have been having doubts about writing him off as nothing.

Missed opportunities for this bitch. However, for Joseph, the opportunities opened every second. He hadn’t lost out on anything.

“Got places to be, babydoll,” Joseph called as he walked off.

 

 

The next day found him and Liam smoking a blunt in the parking lot, leaning up against the Porsche. Joseph didn’t allow leaning up on his Evo often; it was a privilege. As he passed the blunt over to Liam, Joseph couldn’t help but wonder how Child held his school to such a standard when there was no way the guy didn’t know that students smoked in the parking lot. It wasn’t just them, but others too. Blunts, cigarettes, or whatever.

“So,” Liam said around the joint, “I’m having a ‘movie night’ in my dorm. Roommate is crashing at his girl’s place so you’re invited.”

“Ain’t coming if Jordan’s invited.” His mother probably wouldn’t let him go anyways.

Huffing, Liam snorted “C’mon, man. He was my friend before you. You don’t get privileges. Whatever’s between you guys, fucking bury it already.”

As if. “First, I’m not your friend. Don’t confuse my tolerance of you as friendship. Two, I don’t like the fuckwad so I’m not subjecting myself to his company. That’s the end of it.”

“You seriously piss me off sometimes.”

“As opposed to other times?”

Liam was about to reply when a couple guys walked up to them, the leader of them looking pointedly at Joseph. “Kavinsky?”

“You got him.”

Nodding as he walked closer, his hair swaying on his forehead because it seemed to be just that damn soft, the boy asked “You sell? Looking for a blunt or two and maybe a couple of those pills you gave out. That shit is insane.”

Was he selling today? He’d prefer not to on campus but…maybe it was somewhere he could capitalize. The pills weren’t up for sale yet – he only did weed – but Joseph didn’t have any plans for parties anytime soon… But pills were a hell of a leap. That was like hardcore drug dealer. Whether he was ready to descend into that was still up in the air. “Not today, sweets, but come back to me in a couple weeks. I’ll have something for ya.”

The guy nodded slowly before dipping his head to the joint Joseph and Liam were sharing. “How about just one? You obviously got.”

Plucking the roll of weed from between Liam’s fingers, Joseph held it out to the guy who had the sharpest cheekbones he had ever seen. Like seriously, how was that even possible? When the other boy didn’t go for it, Joseph shook his hand a little. “Take it. All yours. No charge because I can be nice sometimes.”

“Shit, thanks,” he said as he took it and stuck it between his lips. Pulling out his wallet, the guy handed him a fifty which Joseph thought was extreme for a half used joint. “I can be nice too.”

“Damn,” Joseph replied, slipping the bill from the guy because he wouldn’t say no to offered cash. “Why don’t you throw in a twenty for Liam here?”

There was a touch of reluctance in the other boy’s eyes but regardless, he nodded and pulled out a twenty, handing it to Liam before walking off. Joseph was surprised when the twenty was suddenly shoved at him. “It’s yours,” he said in surprise while trying to get Liam to take it back but failing.

“Keep it,” Liam snorted before grabbing his bag and began to walk off. Turning around, he added “I’m gonna go hang with my _actual_ friend.”

Joseph didn’t catch Liam for the rest of the day, the blonde probably avoiding him on purpose which was fucking ridiculous.

But fine.

Sighing as he tossed his bag onto the floor of his bedroom before himself onto his bed, Joseph yawned into his pillow. Jesus, he was exhausted. School was making his lack of sleep even worse where there was just this bone deep weariness embedded in him. Even if he was lucky enough to get a decent night of sleep, Joseph’s eyes never went without the black under them. Around them. He was a mess, no two ways around it. Peanut joined him not a second later, curling between him and the wall before settling herself down with a purr.

He must have fallen asleep because the next time he opened his eyes, the light of sunset was filtering through the sliding door of his balcony. Checking his phone even though the only people he used it for were his mother and Liam, Joseph was surprised when he found a text from a number he didn’t know.

_Outside_

“What,” he muttered as he squinted at the number, trying to think if he’d ever seen it before. His number hadn’t been given to anyone and Liam knew not to pass it around so who was this?

Only one way to find out.

Dragging himself out of bed, Joseph didn’t even bother trying to make himself even slightly presentable before trudging down the stairs. The smell of dinner was actually making his stomach rumble a little as he passed his mother and the kitchen as she called out a greeting.

“Be right back,” Joseph mumbled when she asked where he was off too.

“Be quick, dinner’s ready.”

Flicking on the outside light before slipping his feet into some sliders, Joseph trudged over to the car at the end of his way too long driveway. He knew exactly whose Benz that was and even though he had been feeling a little bad about the way he had treated Liam, Joseph was full on pissed at him now. Where else or how else could Jordan have gotten his number?

“The fuck you doing here.”

Smiling at Joseph who was leaning through the passenger window, Jordan replied “Maybe I wanted to see your sexy face. You know, you’re entirely more fuckable when you’re a mess.”

Grinding his teeth and trying not to reach through the window to slam the asshole’s face into the steering wheel, Joseph snapped “What do you want.”

This must all be entirely amusing because the Asian fucker’s smile grew even larger. “Baby, I want a lot of things. You’re at the top of my list, actually. But for the moment, I want you to get in so we can go watch movies with Liam. So get in the fucking car, Kavinsky.”

It was amazing how this idiot actually thought Joseph would get in a car with him. “Not happening. Now fuck off.”

Surprise struck him when Jordan suddenly jumped out of the Benz, rounded the hood, and slammed Joseph up against the passenger door. It was seriously uncomfortable how little space there was between their bodies. Hell, you couldn’t even call it space because there was none. And Joseph didn’t like that being this close to a guy made the deep dark bit inside himself happy. The part that liked the feel of ‘guy.’ A hard lean body up against his was so much more arousing than that of a girl. But as much as that tiny part was happy, Joseph was far from aroused or excited.

Just plain pissed was his feeling right now. No one pushed him around anymore. Especially not this shit.

“Listen up,” Jordan breathed in his ear, his hand firmly grasping the front of Joseph’s shirt. Joseph hadn’t even bothered changing when he had made it home, simply taken off his sweater and dozed in his button up and khakis. Even shrugging off his shoes had been an afterthought. “You pissed off my boy, hurt his feelings with whatever bullshit came out of your mouth. Even if he won’t tell me straight, I can fucking tell. Now, you’re going to make it up to him.”

He kind of wished he had at least a percent of bulk on his body so he could reverse their positions but there was no way. Joseph barely even weighed more than his 5’2’’ mother. And he had more than a foot on her.

Depressing now that he really thought about it.

So since he couldn’t be intimidating with muscle mass, he tried with the gaze that he honed to be as sharp as Ivo’s and his cutting tongue. “Take your hands off me.”

Jordan’s snarl turned into a syrupy smirk that Joseph wished he could punch off his stupid handsome face. The hand that had been clenching his shirt flattened and rubbed Joseph softly and slowly. It made his stomach churn because touches like this shouldn’t feel so wrong. Make him feel so violated and disgusting. Touches like these were supposed to be beautiful like the way they had been with Emilio.

They weren’t supposed to make him feel so nasty. Taken advantage of.

But Joseph’s body was frozen because he didn’t know what he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to react. Was he actually being violated or was this just a joke? Maybe his brain that was always riddled with a harsh mix of anxiety, depression, doubts, and God knew what else was blowing this situation up? When Jordan’s other hand started to rub its way up Joseph’s side, his heart fluttered.

In panic.

There were quite a few things that Joseph didn’t like stemming from his own personality and his life experiences. Middle aged and old men made him hesitant, the dark terrified him, and anything having to do with sensual touches between guys apparently sent him into panic attacks.

Because the only thing he could see and hear was a replay of that day in his bedroom. Of him and Emilio telling each other how much they loved one another and Ivo walking in on such a personal moment.

And then there was everything that followed.

“S-Stop,” Joseph tried to say in a harsh tone but it came out far meeker. Jordan probably thought Joseph was some nervous straight boy afraid of ‘the other side,’ not that he was a newly created homophobe disgusted from his own faggot ass who was terrified of history repeating. He knew that it wouldn’t or even couldn’t, especially not all the way here in Henrietta, but it didn’t matter.

His mind was nothing if not irrational.

“It’s okay,” Jordan whispered and it was scary as fuck how those words sounded so sweet and endearing. Did he know that what he was doing was probably wrong? Joseph wasn’t playing hard to get or whatever, but he was playing straight and trying to avoid ending up on the floor throwing up and hyperventilating.

The hand that had been on his chest worked its way slowly to Joseph’s shoulder and then the back of his neck as the other rubbed small circles with his thumb. It was on his hip, over his pants, but the thumb was under the hem of Joseph’s shirt, the little circles feeling like they were burning into his skin.

Joseph was ready to have a panic induced vomit session.

“It’s all okay,” Jordan said again, his tone soft and careful as he leaned forward. There was so little space between their lips and even though Joseph knew what was coming, felt it in the stillness of the breathless air surrounding them, he was so far from ready.

The lacrosse player closed the rest of the space between them and pressed his lips on Joseph’s. The kiss didn’t invade him with some tongue or anything but the hard press and demanding eagerness of the other boy’s mouth on his was enough to make Joseph freeze, his blood going cold. He felt like he was hyper aware of everything suddenly – the buzzing of the air, the rumbling of the car he was pressed against, even the sound of crickets which normally didn’t blare like sirens.

His eyes were stuck wide open, frozen like the rest of him. Joseph didn’t want the kiss, didn’t want this boy pressed against him, and yet he couldn’t move.

Couldn’t even fucking breathe.

Because Joseph wasn’t moving or doing anything at all, Jordan pressed harder, this time sucking in Joseph’s bottom lip. He probably thought that Joseph was just hesitant, not terrified out of his mind. When he still had yet to react, the other boy cupped the back off Joseph’s head, his fingers getting caught in his bedhead mess of hair. The hand that had been branding circles wrapped around Joseph’s waist, pulling him flush against Jordan’s muscled body. In any other situation where Joseph wasn’t afraid or disgusted or just anything, it might have been hot how amazing the lacrosse player’s body was.

But it wasn’t right now. It was just all the more horrifying because he could feel the other boy’s hardness straining in his jeans.

Air must have been needed from sucking bruises into Joseph’s lips because Jordan pulled back a little and gave him an examining glance. Joseph was still like a deer caught in headlights, except maybe one that needed to puke the nothings in his stomach. But that look must not have been a turn off because Jordan pressed another kiss, this one much softer and sensual, to his lips before whispering “You’re so fucking delicious.”

Morning – or evening, whatever – breath was gross but okay.

Jordan’s hips hitched forward just a bit but it was enough for Joseph to finally wake up, slamming himself back and as far as he could even with a car at his back. That only caused the muscled freak to press closer and much harder. _Everything_ could be felt very easily. “C’mon. I know you want me and I sure as fuck want you.”

While he may find Jordan attractive, Joseph wasn’t that fucking shallow to want someone just for that. To trust someone with himself because of that. Especially when the bastard was a complete…well, bastard.

Finding his bearings despite his shaking hands and furiously beating heart, Joseph aimed his knee at Jordan’s erection. He knew that shoving a guy who was way bigger than him wouldn’t have served him well. Jordan groaned in so much agony that Joseph was almost sorry because while he had experience getting hit in the dick, he hadn’t had the pleasure to know how it felt when he had a boner.

Thank fucking God.

“You need to stay the fuck away from me,” Joseph hissed as he stepped over the prone form on the floor. He didn’t look back once as he walked to up to his house feeling proud that his voice had come out so much stronger and sharper than he was feeling.

Because right now? Right now, all Joseph felt was utter disgust and the need to induce a puking period. To rid himself of the filthiness he was feeling. Not because Jordan was dirty or anything; the guy smelled fresh as hell, actually.

It was rather that Joseph was filth for getting touched by a boy that way.

Too bad it was practically death to gurgle with bleach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> New Snapshot up! It's the depressed Emilio/time to move on dude one. Enjoy!  
> As always requests are infinitely open. Ask away.
> 
> Enjoy some blossoming Sarvinsky. Bluseph. I will figure this out eventually. Also some Jordan who really wants shit reciprocated.  
> Not in that order
> 
> _“I, uh, got you something.”_

Liam hadn’t talked to him in a week and despite Joseph not wanting friends, he kind of missed their interactions. They made him feel a little less alone than he knew he was.

When he tried to find him at school, the bastard would avoid Joseph at all costs. Joseph had even tried texting and calling and still got nothing from the other boy. If that wasn’t blow enough, when Joseph had actually dragged himself to the fancy ass dorms to talk to Liam, the roommate had said that he wasn’t allowed to let him in.

“Bullshit,” Joseph said, half in surprise. Seriously?

“Look, man. Liam told me that if you come knocking around, not to tell you nothing. This is me being a good friend.”

Low fucking blow. “He’s not even here, is he?”

A touch of guilt flashed in the other guy’s eyes. “What? No, no, he’s here and he don’t want to talk to you.”

Shaking his head as he rolled his eyes, Joseph snorted before walking off “Maybe he should have employed a better liar.” There were only two places that Liam would be if not here – Jordan or Eva. While Joseph had no idea where the girlfriend lived, although if he asked Maia she’d probably tell him, he did know where the asshole was.

Making his way to the end of the hall of the second floor of the dorm building that housed Liam and Jordan, Joseph stopped at the _Empathy_ door. He wanted to fall into a fit of laughter because there was some ironic bullshit happening right here if Jordan was assigned to the _Empathy_ room. The whole concept of names instead of numbers was stupid anyways.

Knocking, Joseph waited impatiently as he heard some shuffling inside. It had also been a week since he had seen Jordan and their disgusting encounter had occurred. Joseph had spent the entire night either vomiting or hunched over the toilet because he felt like he needed to but nothing came out. He hadn’t even gotten to enjoy his mother’s cooking that had smelled so amazing. She was confused why in the hell he was suddenly sick but he obviously told her nothing.

The door eventually opened, Jordan leaning all nonchalantly against it, a smile on his face. Apparently getting slammed in the boner was not a turn off.

Wonderful.

“Liam here?”

“People say hello.”

“I’m not people,” Joseph said in a bored tone. He needed to get away from this guy; he was making his stomach churn all over again. “I just need a minute with Liam. Tell him to get his ass out here.” No way was Joseph going in there.

With a humorous snort, Jordan replied “Baby, Liam ain’t here. But that don’t mean I don’t want you coming in. Why don’t you just come in?”

He was sure the step he took back was miniscule but Jordan’s eyes trailed the movement. “I’ll pass.”

Irritation crossed Jordan’s face as he crossed his arms. “Why do you have to play so fucking hard to get? I want you, you want me, all’s fucking good. So what the fuck is your-”

The decision was a quick one but Joseph went for it anyways as he slammed Jordan into his door, flicking out Ivo’s knife against the lacrosse player’s neck. “Enough. I don’t care how much you want me, I don’t fucking want you. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Jordan didn’t even look mildly worried which pissed Joseph off to no end. How did he know that Joseph wouldn’t do anything with the knife? “Go ahead, baby. Slit me open. Dare you.”

Lip curling in anger, Joseph flicked the knife closed and shoved it in his pocket. He couldn’t do it and they both knew it. “Just leave me alone.”

“Baby, you’re the one knocking on my door.”

“I’m looking for Liam,” he reminded with a hiss. “I don’t give a fuck about you and your debase feelings, fag.”

While the knife did nothing to piss Jordan off, the word sure did as he grasped Joseph by the collar of his tshirt and slammed him into the wall just inside the room. Shutting the door with his foot before pressing hard against Joseph, Jordan snarled “Say that again, I fucking dare you.”

Joseph happened to like his face and didn’t want to have to go home and explain a black eye to his mother. Grasping tight on the arm holding his collar, Joseph replied “Let the fuck go.”

He couldn’t help but wonder if Jordan had ever seen a healthy relationship in his life because one minute he was angry and ready to cause pain and the next, he was mauling Joseph’s mouth like his life depended on it. Joseph had never seen Liam and Eva together but he knew Jordan must have and Joseph was sure that Liam wasn’t a horrible boyfriend. The blonde just didn’t seem the type. Maybe Jordan needed to analyze how his friend did relationships.

The kiss wasn’t returned because no way was Joseph going to. He tried shoving the larger boy but with all the muscle mass the lacrosse player had, it was doing no good. A hit to the crotch wouldn’t work either because Jordan had slotted his knee between Joseph’s legs when the mauling had begun.

The only other idea Joseph had was at least getting the larger boy’s mouth off him. Grasping the short hairs of Jordan’s head as best as he good – grossly earning Joseph a small moan – he tugged until the mouth was ripped off his. Jordan’s pupils were blown and his lips were puffy but Joseph knew his own were probably worse on account of being on the end of the offensive.

“Just kiss me back,” Jordan whispered in an almost pained tone while pressing his forehead to Joseph’s. “Promise it won’t be terrible.”

It was already terrible. Horribly horrible. It made Joseph feel so disgusting. “It already is.”

Anger flashed in Jordan’s eyes but he let up and shoved Joseph. “Liam’s right. You’re a fucking piece of shit. No wonder you don’t have anyone. Bet even your family hates your guts.”

Shrugging like the words didn’t bug him because right now, he was just relieved Jordan was no longer touching him, Joseph replied “Probably right. Wouldn’t be surprised.” Bouncing off the wall and grabbing the doorknob, he added before walking out “Next time you kiss me, I’ll break your face.”

 

* * *

 

Blue walked out of Mountain View High School, ready to just go home. High school was totally different than middle. The dynamics and everything. Also the work; why so much homework?

“-him? Isn’t it?”

Looking to the girls who happened to be walking beside her, Blue rolled her eyes to whatever the heck their conversation was. Why did teenage girls always have to worry so much about boys? They weren’t a big deal. Just plain annoying or gross or jerks.

“Oh my God, I think it is!” one of them ‘whisper’ shrieked. The one with the ponytail was practically bouncing in excitement. Blue felt like she might have her in one of her classes. “Should we go try and talk to him? We should!”

Who? Blue glanced around despite trying to act like she wasn’t interested. She couldn’t help her curiosity for whoever this boy was that was earning all this excitement.

Then she saw him.

Kavinsky.

He was parked on the street in front of the gate of the school, leaning back on his car, smiling and laughing with some girl. She couldn’t believe when a pang of jealousy struck her heart. How stupid was she to feel _jealous_ of some other girl? He hadn’t even been nice to her…although in the beginning he was all manners and super sweet…

“C’mon,” ponytail girl said to her friend, trying to drag her by the arm. “We’re not missing the chance because you’re shy.”

The other girl with a long brown braid was blushing. “What if we make ourselves look like over eager idiots?”

“Lindsey, stop. Let’s go while he’s here.”

Why was he here? That didn’t make any sense. Unless he was looking for someone. _Me?_

_Don’t be stupid, Blue. He wrote you out._

It bothered her how much she wished he was coming for her. She was stuck between wanting everyone to know that she knew him or just being angry and ignoring him. But he had invited her personally to his party…had he done that for anyone else?

Maybe she should just go talk to him? Some part of her wanted to rub it in all the lovestruck girls’ faces that she and him had done fireworks together, all alone. That he had wanted her to call him Joseph unlike how everyone was supposed to refer to him by his last name. She’d bet that not everyone even knew what his first name was.

But she did.

When she looked back to him, there was a larger group of people – mostly giggling girls – around him. Should she? Was that needy? Stupid? Both?

Making her choice and hoping that it wasn’t the wrong one, Blue walked over with her head held high on her short frame. She could do this and show up all those other girls in their fancy clothes that this girl here was different and Kavinsky liked that.

Joseph liked that.

Reaching the crowd, she stood on the outskirts of it, listening to see if she could figure out why he was here. He was talking to some girl with long flowing brown hair and hazel eyes that sparkled. Blue felt like they were opposites in not just looks but personality too. Did he like her better?

“-talking to our English teacher. She’ll be out in a sec.”

So he was here for some other girl?

“I just wanted to ask her about Liam. That’s all.”

The girl looked a little dejected that he was only around to ask for whoever this Liam was. “Oh yeah, sure. They’ve been hanging a lot this week.”

Joseph nodded but Blue felt like he knew something from the way he simply crossed his arms. Not in anger but just as a loose gesture. “That’s nice.” She couldn’t see his eyes because he was wearing sunglasses but she felt like he was surprised when the ponytail girl bounced up next to him. The other girl was so close that Blue was sure she had wanted to just hug him. Why? It wasn’t like they knew each other. People didn’t just go around giving out random hugs like idiots.

_I think I’m getting jealous again. I’m such an idiot._

“Hey, Kavinsky!”

“Hi,” he smiled though Blue could see through it. It wasn’t the bright soft one he had given her at the party.

“It’s really awesome to see you! I came to both your parties but never got a chance to tell you how much fun I had. Are you having another soon? We could hang out? Or even outside a party, you know?”

Someone was straight forward.

“I’m glad you had a good time,” Joseph replied, “But no, I’m not having anything anytime soon, sorry.” He didn’t even acknowledge the blatant date invite.

Ponytail was probably about to try again but Blue didn’t feel like listening. He had been interested in her first. Maybe she was being as stupid as these giggly girls but maybe she wasn’t. It wasn’t her fault he had somehow dug a pike of jealousy in her every time someone spoke to him.

Pushing forward a touch and hoping he wouldn’t make her seem like an idiot, Blue said “Hey, Joseph, can I talk to you?”

All heads turned her way.

Not cool. Blue could feel the burn of judgement in them all.

Tilting his head and probably examining her under those shades of his, he eventually nodded. “Yeah, sure.” He gestured through the crowd, completely ignoring ponytail girl. “After you.”

Blue could easily feel all the glares and stares of surprise at her back. They were extremely hot, blazing into her back through her bag. Coming to a halt away from the crowd where she felt like they couldn’t hear them, she turned and looked up at him. She couldn’t believe she was doing this. Where was sensible Blue now? “I, uh, wanted to say sorry.”

His eyebrows rose into his hair which he hadn’t done today. She was surprised there was no hat but he must have come straight from school because he was still in the obnoxious Aglionby uniform minus the sweater. His shirt was half untucked and the top few buttons had been opened when he had removed his tie, probably when he had taken off the sweater. “Sorry?”

“Yeah…” she trailed, losing her courage as she took her gaze off him and stared down at the floor. “I…treated you badly without getting to know you even though you were nice to me. That was really messed up so…I’m sorry.”

Silence greeted her words causing her to be too afraid to look up. Would he say more mean words? Make fun of her in front of everyone? When the silence stretched on without either of them moving, she took the chance and picked up her head.

To an obnoxious smile.

Damn him.

The shades were hooked on his shirt, revealing his sparkling eyes, and his thumbs in the pockets of his khakis. “Sorry, huh?”

“Why do you have to smile like that,” she griped, crossing her arms. “You’re so annoying.”

“I can be, yeah,” he laughed. “But hey, aren’t we all just a bit? And I’m smiling like this because everyone loves being proved right.”

Was he being a jerk or trying to be funny? Blue had no clue as she got lost in the vibrancy of his brown eyes. They were deep and dark but very pretty. “Fine, you’re proved right.”

The smile softened into the one she remembered from the party. “I’m sorry for calling you a bitch. It just pissed me off how you didn’t want to try getting to know me before you made all these assumptions.”

But how wrong were her assumptions? Being in school had connected her to the grapevine and the things she heard about him made her seem right. Those weren’t all just rumors either. “So…?”

“So,” Joseph replied with a shrug, “Get to know me better. Find out that maybe there’s more to me than all the shit people say.”

It almost sounded like a dare. Would she take it?

“Kavinsky!” called a girl, rushing over to them. She had a head full of bouncy ringlets and her nails were painted a bright red. Blue felt like she had seen her before. Part of the student government, maybe?

Turning and looking to the girl who came to stand beside them, Joseph gave her a once over before asking “Eva?”

“You got her,” she replied, her arms crossed tight. She looked angry. “No.”

What they were talking about, Blue had no clue but he sure did as he snapped “For fuck’s sake! Five seconds is all I’m fucking asking for!”

“Liam told me that if you ever came around, to say no. This is me saying no.”

He clenched his jaw tight, a flame blazing in his eyes. Blue wondered how he was when he was actually angry; he seemed the type who blew. “Fine. Can you pass a message?”

Rolling her huge practically black eyes that somehow still shined bright despite their color, Eva huffed “I’ll listen. Can’t guarantee that I’ll tell him though. He’s been mopey all week because of you. I don’t like it when my boyfriend is mopey. It’s not as cute as people might think.”

“Look,” Joseph started, running a quick hand through his hair. Blue really liked it without the gel or whatever it was that he used. “Just tell him that I’ve…been as mopey as him this week. My bad for being an ass when he’s…kinda the only person here that I can put up with.”

So he didn’t actually like all those giggly girls? Maybe Blue really was his type? _Oh my God, stop. Since when are you so worried about a boy liking you?_

Boys were trouble.

“That’s a terrible apology.”

Snorting in annoyance and rolling his eyes in what she could only call an epic eye roll, Joseph replied “Just tell him what I said and let me know. Or better yet, he can just answer his god fucking phone and I’d tell him myself.”

“If he wanted to answer, he would have. But I’ll pass it, word for word. That’s it.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

Glaring at him with a raised brow, Eva snorted “Fine.”

“Fine.”

“I don’t know what Liam sees in you.”

“I don’t know what this fucking world sees in me and yet here I am.”

“Whatever,” Eva said as she stalked of, making sure that her hair was bouncing just that bit extra.

Sighing while shaking his head, Joseph turned his attention back to her. “So.”

Oh man, she was probably going to regret this somehow.

“Help me get to know you, Joseph.”

The smile that he gave her was wide and shining. With that kind of smile, he seemed like a regular boy, just trying to impress a girl. Maybe that’s all he really was.

Dare taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'm not even old and my memory is fading...I had something to ask and hell if I know what it is now  
> Enjoy today!
> 
> _"I’ll probably be back for more shit, just a FYI.”_

“My mom’s sandwiches are better,” Joseph said after swallowing a bite of his tuna sandwich. He was finally getting around to trying the ‘best’ sandwich in town. Late but hey, better late than never. The tasting of the ‘best’ sandwich wasn’t done in single company either.

It was done with a guest.

Blue rolled her eyes as she replied “Bet you my mom’s beat yours.”

“Pft, not a chance.” He had to admit, the sandwich was actually pretty good. Definitely not the best but pretty good was okay too. “I feel like we’re about to descend into ‘your mom’ jokes.”

“Ew,” she almost laughed. Almost. Her smile was so close to being huge and Joseph could literally hear the little breath of laughter stuck in the back of her throat.

Joseph would take that as a win.

It had come as a shock when she had apologized to him at her school. Joseph had actually completely forgotten that Blue went to that school when he had gone looking for Eva. Which was stupid because he knew she was a freshman like him and there was no other high school besides Mountain View where she could go. But it had worked out which was nice; something was finally going right.

Well, it’d be nice if other stuff would too.

Like the shit with freaking Liam. Why did he have to be so difficult? Yeah, maybe Joseph hadn’t been the nicest but…the other boy was being plain ridiculous. He should be happy that Joseph liked him better than everyone else. Liam was someone that Joseph could easily tolerate and actually kind of liked spending time around. Friends weren’t his thing anymore but Liam would have been a likely candidate if they still had been. The blonde sure as hell was no Emilio – their personalities were pretty different – but he wasn’t bad either.

Even Eva seemed cool; she reminded him of Anka and Ivet in a way. He hadn’t guessed that was Liam’s type though. She was the opposite of what Joseph expected for the other boy. Not because she was black but because she seemed like she could kick his ass if she wanted to. Maybe that was why Liam liked her; because she was so different than the girls Joseph assumed he had had sex with.

She’d better pass on his apology though.

What was interesting to see back at the high school besides for getting to meet Eva was the way how some people had given Blue looks after they had finished talking. A shit ton of them were girls ready to murder Blue with their savage jealous eyes. Because of those looks and others, Joseph had waited until his still possible hetero savior started her walk home before catching up with her to invite her for lunch. He didn’t want her to have to go through whatever stigma came with being associated with his name. Or the jealousy and whatever other shit came with him. Lord only knew.

They sat and ate in silence but it wasn’t the worst kind where it was all awkward as they listened to George Michael playing through the store’s speakers. Halfway through his sandwich, Joseph’s stomach made that flip thing that he knew meant he had better stop or else he’d end up vomiting.

Crap. Not something someone wanted to happen on a ‘not’ date lunch thing. Especially when said person finally got their chance at getting the extremely headstrong girl to give him a proper chance.

Setting his sandwich down while taking careful breaths to relax his stomach a bit, Joseph took a gulp of water in hopes that it’d help. The last thing he needed was to throw up when he finally had Blue at least curious enough about him. That would probably completely gross her out. “You have siblings?” he asked in lieu of conversation.

“No. You?”

“Nah, just me.” Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder how his life would have been if he had had someone to share it with. But then he’d come back to the conclusion that it was best that he was an only child – Joseph didn’t want anyone else going through what he had.

Nodding as she sipped her juice, Blue said “But I’ve got like fifty thousand cousins and aunts. All women too.”

That wasn’t at all the weirdest thing in the world. Also, there was no way that that was even possible. He snorted in reply, “I don’t know about fifty thousand.”

“No, really. I got tons. And they all live with me and my mom. All in one house.”

Glancing up at her from his sandwich as he had been deciding if he should try eating again, Joseph raised a brow in both questioning and curiosity. Fifty thousand women definitely didn’t fit in one house. Even a house as huge as Joseph’s which he knew Blue probably didn’t live in. “All in one house? You’re bullshitting me, right?”

He liked the smile that came on her face. It was almost like ‘hah, in your face.’ “Nope. I’m completely serious. All of us in our little blue house.”

What the hell. It almost sounded like some weird fairy tale shit. Taking a sip of his water, Joseph asked “Do you find it ironic that you’re named Blue and that you live in a blue house? Also, there’s no way that many people live in one house. Just saying.”

Rolling her eyes with her mouth in that tilt that Joseph had come to recognize as her being unamused, Blue said “I fail to see the irony.”

Great. Now she was annoyed all over again. That was how they got into a mess the first time. “I don’t mean anything by it.” He picked a crumb off the bread of his sandwich; it was safer than taking an actual bite. “Why do you have to get bothered so easily?”

Crossing her arms and now looking officially pissed to his distress, Blue stared at him with a look that could probably rival his mother’s. “Why can you not be a jerk for five minutes?”

For fucks… “I’m just asking a question. I was making a goddamn joke, Jesus fucking Christ.” Yanking his phone out of his pocket as it began to vibrate, Joseph added “It’s not ironic and cool about your fifty thousand family members. Goddamn. My fucking bad.”

She looked a little less defiant like maybe she was regretting getting offended as he answered his phone. Maybe she was replaying the words and hearing the humor in them. “Guess Eva passed my apology?” he asked once he opened the phone.

“If that’s what you call that bull,” Liam snorted on the other end of the line. “That was a horrible apology. But hey, I expect no less from Kavinsky, the piece of shit bastard asshole.”

Talk about insults. Jesus. If he didn’t need or slightly kind of miss Liam, Joseph would tell the blonde to go fuck himself. “It wasn’t that bad,” he tried to tease. Joseph wanted them to fall back into the easiness of their joking. Hopefully, Liam was in the mood to forgive. “C’mon. You know you miss my stupid face.”

Silence followed his words but Joseph wasn’t worried. He was more than eighty percent sure that Liam would give in. It was just the way he had come to notice the other boy was. Hoping his stomach was in a nice place because he wanted to finish his sandwich, Joseph took a bite as he continued to wait. Eventually, Liam muttered “I hate your guts.”

“No you don’t.”

A groan came over the line before Liam sighed “I wish I did. Fine, forgiven. Don’t treat me like shit, asshole.”

“I make no promises but I’ll give it my best shot.”

“Whatever,” Liam mumbled and Joseph could easily imagine him crossing his arms in that way that he did and rolling those deep set eyes. “I’ll see you at school on Monday. Me and Eva have plans for the weekend, don’t bug us.”

“Pft,” he blew after a sip of water. “Since when do I bug you? Plus, to be honest, Eva possibly scares the shit out of me. I felt like she was about to bust my head in when we talked. Jesus fuck.” He couldn’t help but smile when a tiny one came on Blue’s face from his words. If this girl would just smile some more, everything would be cool.

“She wanted to and she probably would have been able to. Anyways, I gotta go. Don’t-”

“Bug you and Eva, yeah, yeah,” Joseph finished before closing the line and putting his phone back in his pocket. Focusing back on his company, he asked “You got a phone?”

“Nope.”

He couldn’t help but wonder if she actually didn’t or if she just didn’t want him to know. “Oh, oh well then. So, like, there’s no dudes living in your house?”

“Nope. Better that way.”

Man hater, much? “I guess. We can be total pains sometimes, you know?”

That actually earned him a real laugh.

A laugh.

Feeling really good about himself right now, Joseph added with a wide smile “Hey, we know how we are. Guys are totally extra in that way that isn’t cute.”

Blue erupted into another laugh and if that didn’t have Joseph’s self-esteem on the rise, then nothing probably would. “Not cute at all,” she said once she caught her breath. “But I guess being self-aware is a good thing.”

“I try,” he nodded solemnly. Picking off one last piece of bread from his so close to finished sandwich, Joseph stood before gulping down the last of his water. “Done?” Her plate was empty but maybe she still wanted to sit.

“Uh, yeah,” she replied as she too stood.

As he pulled out his wallet, he noticed that she was glancing around for something. “Lose something?”

Wrapping a piece of her hair behind her ear, Blue shrugged. “I forgot my bag is in your car. My wallet’s in there. Is the car open?”

Yeah, his mother would beat him if he ever made a girl he was sitting with pay for her lunch. Ivo would beat him a second time. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay.” It wasn’t like the sandwiches were expensive anyways.

When a fire lit in Blue’s eyes, Joseph realized that that was the very wrong thing to say to her. Their relationship was a bit like his and his mother’s – one minute they were happy and the next they were fighting. “I can pay for myself.”

“I’m sure you can,” he said quickly, hoping to defuse the situation. “But I invited you so I should be the one paying.”

“I don’t need raven boy money.”

Sighing as he shook his head, Joseph decided just to give in. He wasn’t up for fighting right now. “That’s not what I meant but whatever. I’ll pay and you can pay me back in the car. Good?”

That solution didn’t seem to fully sit well with her but regardless, she nodded before Joseph went to the cashier to pay. Jesus, this girl could be not only a headache but a handful too. Maybe he really had to stop with the whole relationship thing. Their personalities didn’t seem to be fitting together very well.

After he had dropped Blue literally a block from her house – her request – Joseph drove home. He reluctantly had accepted Blue’s money although he kept telling her that it wasn’t worth it. But she had been adamant so Joseph eventually took them. It had gotten ridiculous for them to continually throw the money at each other, back and forth. The cash ended up being given to a beggar on the street corner anyways. If there was one lesson that would always stick with him from Ivo, it was to always be generous and good to the people who were less fortunate.

One of Ivo’s better qualities.

“For fuck’s sake,” he grumbled as he turned into his driveway, passing the Mercedes parked on the street. The bastard just didn’t give up, did he? It wasn’t as charming as he probably thought it was. Once he parked and turned off the car, Joseph bounced out of his car with annoyance as he walked over to Jordan. “What.”

Freakily, the dude looked slightly embarrassed as he got out of his own vehicle and leaned up against it. “Hi.” The other boy winced when Joseph shoved him back against the car. “Ouch.”

Grasping the collar of Jordan’s shirt, Joseph hissed “The fuck you doing here.” It was best to act like he hadn’t seen the slight growth of Mr. Lacrosse’s pupils. “I don’t want to see your fugly ass mug.”

What was even more freaky was that Jordan wasn’t even on the defensive. All the other boy did was stick his hands in his pockets and look to the side with a blush on his cheeks. Jesus. He wasn’t going to apologize was he?

Joseph hoped not.

“Look…I just…I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I…maybe hurt you or something. I’m thinking I might’ve shoved you a little too hard into the wall.”

Fuck.

He apologized.

Goddammit.

“I hope you’re not like…hurt or something,” Jordan finished with a mumble and still not meeting Joseph’s gaze.

There actually had been some slight bruises discovered but because of his weak body in general, that was pretty normal. He didn’t bruise easy per se but he wasn’t a freaking wall either. Regardless of bruises though, Joseph didn’t want this asshole coming around with an apology.

When Joseph continued with his silence, Jordan’s entire face matched his cheeks in color as he turned to meet Joseph’s stare. Clearing his throat and, somehow, the blush getting deeper, Jordan said “I, uh, got you something.”

Oh Jesus no. “You got me something.”

“Yeah. For the apology.” He tried easing Joseph’s hand off his collar which Joseph allowed before reaching into his open window and handing Joseph a box.

It was even wrapped. _Oh dear God._

Taking the offering, he merely stared down at it and the absurdity of this whole situation. The gesture was…sweet but dammit, Joseph didn’t want sweet and he sure as hell didn’t appreciate it. But it’d be so cruel to reject the gift, whatever it was, and be a complete jerk. Maybe that was what Kavinsky was but…dammit.

“You gonna open it?”

Sighing and giving in, Joseph ripped off the paper as he tried to guess in his mind what in the world Jordan thought he liked. When he popped off the lid of the box, he was caught with surprise.

The ass paid way too much attention to him.

“I noticed that you read a lot,” Jordan said, his voice slightly proud but also worried like he had committed an invasion of privacy. “Like sometimes before school, at break, or whatever, you read when Liam isn’t around. Obviously, you and Liam haven’t hung out in a while so that’s how I noticed. I don’t know what kind of books you like so…I just took a chance. I hate reading but it even sounded interesting to me so…”

Removing it from the box and flipping it over to read the blurb, Joseph had to grudgingly admit that it did sound interesting. It was about this kid, Eddie, and how despite being book smart, he tried hard to be a delinquent. He loved to read but he skipped school instead. Growing up in a crime ridden neighborhood, it was the norm; you had to be how you had to so you could make it.

Joseph wasn’t about romance so much but even that didn’t make it sound bad. Eddie meets a girl named Lupe who dreams of college and, Joseph assumes from the summary, is the reason of Eddie trying to make his life better.

Fuck, the book sounded good. He literally wanted to just start it right this second.

Jordan, of course, had no knowledge of any of these thoughts as he stood and bounced from one foot to the other waiting for Joseph just to say something. “Do you like it?” he eventually asked tentatively. “I thought it sounded good but if it doesn’t, I can get a different one.”

He pretty much hated Jordan but the gesture was just so nice… Maybe he could pull a little honesty for the thought. “It…it sounds really good actually.”

A huge smile grew on the other boy’s face, his eyes lighting up in delight. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Joseph nodded despite himself. Damn him and his soft spot for books and damn Jordan for his observance and good choice in literature. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother


	26. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> New Snapshot! Go read about 6 year old Joseph and meeting Mrs. Ivanova to share cocoa. If you're wondering who the hell that is, way back in the chpt where Joseph gets kidnapped (the 1st time) Ivo mentions how maybe Joseph went to the old Russian lady to have cocoa. That was the inspiration.
> 
> As always, Snapshots are open for requests. Hit me up
> 
> Timeline in case we be lost: End of Jan 2011  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"Joseph, you made this world just like all the ones before you, with you, and after you.”_

Joseph watched as the overly tattooed role model in front of him unpackaged a fresh needle after slipping on a pair of gloves. “There won’t be a whole lot of pain but it’ll hurt.”

“It’s fine,” Joseph shrugged as he stayed sitting in the seat. What was a little pinching pain? Hell, it was welcome. Plus, for someone who often hurt themself on purpose, it’d be nothing. “Do you have to warn that all the time? I mean, babies get pierced all the time.”

“Part of the rules. And anyways, don’t you hear the babies when they break out into heart wrenching cries?”

Actually, he had because when his tétka had taken Albena to get her ears done, Joseph had gone with them. The shop in the mall had used a gun and an employee had done it but according to his research, needles at a parlor seemed to be better. Joseph had been shocked when he had actually found a parlor in Henrietta, tucked into a tiny nook in a shopping center. After lots of questions and checking out the place with a very examining eye, he had deemed it both clean and safe. He wasn’t going to take stupid chances with his health just because the guy seemed to be the only artist in shittown. But Drake had passed all of Joseph’s questions and tests so all was good.

No diseases today.

“Heart wrenching, huh?”

Drake smiled as he gestured for Joseph to lay back in the slightly reclined chair. “Don’t tell me that hearing babies cry doesn’t affect you. Bet you that noise affects even the hardest dictator. Saddam Hussein or some shit.” The bearded man with the startling blue eyes stood and walked over to stand beside Joseph’s head. “It’s a baby.”

His eyes tracked Drake’s hands as he took the protective case off the tip of the needle before grabbing a swab soaked in iodine. “One, thank you for not assuming that I’m too young to know who Saddam Hussein is. Two, I’m not saying you’re wrong. Just didn’t expect big burly beard man to have a soft spot for crying babies.”

“Who doesn’t?” Grabbing the forceps, he motioned for Joseph to turn his head so he could look at his ear better. What was even cooler about Drake and his business was that the man didn’t look for parent consent unless you were so young where he couldn’t pull plausible deniability. In Drake’s mind, despite knowing otherwise, Joseph was eighteen.

He’d make sure to leave the guy a good tip on top of the price of the piercing.

“Sorry,” Drake muttered in his focus when Joseph jumped a little from the cold of the forceps. “Alright, here we go. Deep breaths, Jersey.”

It started as a cold prick until it became a burning sear going through his earlobe. But it wasn’t terrible to the point of him doing more than scrunching his eyes in the pain. It felt funny having a long needle going through his lobe.

Removing the forceps, Drake said “Putting the jewelry in now. You good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Joseph made sure to sit still as he felt the tattoo master put the earring through the needle before the needle was pulled out through the back. That was a weird sensation. His ear was sort of burning but it wasn’t too bad.

Drake put the back on before swabbing his lobe with alcohol. “And done. I think it looks good.” Handing Joseph a mirror, he added “Make sure you keep it clean and don’t play with it for the next couple weeks. Try not to sleep on it either. You should be fine but if you see anything odd like discharge or it hurts or your ear starts looking weird, come back to me, alright?”

“’Course,” Joseph replied as he checked out his new piercing. It did look good; nice and straight and in the middle of his lobe. Drake was a magical piercing saint with good eyes. Joseph would definitely be back for more stuff. What, he still didn’t know because he’d have to go down this path carefully because of a certain woman in his life.

Man, she was going to be pissed when she saw him.

“All good?”

“Yessir,” Joseph smiled as he bounced off the chair after he handed the mirror back. “Looks great, thank you. I’ll probably be back for more shit, just a FYI.”

“Love to have you,” Drake called behind himself as they walked out to the front so Joseph could pay.

Flipping through Drake’s portfolio on the glass counter as the artist rang up the price, Joseph stared in awe at this guy’s skill. Jesus, he was amazing. Joseph couldn’t wait until he decided to start his own tattoo. He was thinking of starting with the sleeve of roses and vines that he and Anka had wanted. From what he researched, sleeves took a while to complete so he could have Drake start with his shoulder where it’d be covered from his mother’s eyes.

“Interested in a tat?” Drake asked after telling Joseph his total. “Got a lot of stuff you could look through and pick.”

“Interested, actually,” Joseph said while handing the money over. “But I have a design in my head already so I won’t need the books.”

Cashing in the money and putting the tip in his jar in the shelf behind himself, Drake replied “You wanna start today then? I’m free.”

“Nah, man,” Joseph laughed, sliding his glasses onto his face. “I gotta go home to my mother today.”

Before heading home to get yelled at by his mother, Joseph pulled into probably the best burger place here next to McDonald’s. When he was hungry, Joseph knew it was best to take advantage or else he’d miss his chance. And if he got extra food for his mother to smooth over the upcoming fight, then it was all in the name of good.

Walking in, a smile spread on his face when his eyes caught on a particularly short girl standing to the side. “Hey, Blue.”

Blue glanced up from where she was reading a flyer of some sort. A soft smile grew on her face which proved how much progress they had made in the past months. They didn’t see each other too often because Joseph felt like if he pressed for even just once a week, she’d push back into not liking him. And despite it being part of his normally generous nature, he had made sure not to buy her a gift for Christmas. Joseph didn’t think she would have appreciated it the way Liam had.

Even fucking Jordan.

Joseph hadn’t wanted to get the asshole anything but the lacrosse ass had gotten him that book and it would have been so wrong for Joseph to get Liam something and not him. It wasn’t anything too mindful or extravagant, just a lacrosse bobble head dude and a rope bracelet with a lacrosse stick charm. Thing was, Jordan hadn’t removed that bracelet once that Joseph had seen since Christmas a little more than a month ago.

That was a problem.

A niggling in his head was wriggling around. This niggling was that Jordan saw way more into the gift than Joseph had intended. It was just supposed to be a stupid cheap gift. Honestly, it looked like shit next to the sneakers he had bought for Liam but to Jordan?

He had a feeling that in Jordan’s eyes, it was like a fucking engagement ring or something.

Very big bad problem there. Joseph felt that the unwanted advances were only going to get more frequent. And way worse.

Fuck him and his idea to be decent sometimes. Just fuck. How hard was it to just be the fucking asshole that he was supposed to be? Hard apparently.

“Hey,” she said when he reached her. “That’s new.”

She was pointing at his very new earring. Diamond stud and all. Was he turning into the materialistic side of Ivo? “Yup. Literally just got it done like fifteen minutes ago. You like?”

Whenever he asked her if she liked something about him, Blue would blush. To Joseph that meant at least one thing for certain.

The punk rocker liked.

“It’s cool,” Blue shrugged, acting all cool about it like he couldn’t see the blush tinging her cheeks. “Came to eat?”

“Hopefully,” he snorted. “You?”

Over the months, they had slowly learned things about each other. Joseph knew that Blue had a serious liking of yogurt that was so deep that she’d pick it over a lot of other stuff. Blue knew that Joseph had really bad eating habits.

“Picking up; not for me.”

“Figured,” he nodded. There was apparently an aunt or something who was a big fan of meat foods or whatever. Were these aunts even biological? “Did you already order? We can sit together after I do.”

Her eyes flicked around the store, taking in who was sitting. Joseph had come to notice that she was hesitant to ever really be seen with him. They’d hang out usually in places where she felt like people who knew her wouldn’t see. She hadn’t explicitly said all this but Joseph knew it. “Um, I guess I can sit for a little. But my food is almost ready.”

“Well, that’s something,” he yawned. Better than nothing. Joseph actually enjoyed her company and he kind of figured she liked his since she still was hanging out with him.

“What up, Kavinsky!”

Shutting his eyes, he groaned under his breath. “Jesus fucking Christ. Why.”

Jordan was at his side in seconds, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Sadly, he was on the side where a certain something could be noticed. “Oh shit. This is new. Sick as fuck.”

He tried to shrug the idiot’s arm off but it didn’t work, so Joseph simply huffed and crossed his arms. Blue was looking between him and Jordan, questioning in her gaze. “Yes it is.”

Nodding in thought, Jordan murmured “Love it.”

“95!”

“That’s me,” Blue smiled only slightly apologetically. “See you around.”

“See ya,” Joseph muttered as he watched her walk off. He’d much rather be in Blue’s company than Jordan’s.

“Hey, so-”

“I actually gotta go,” Joseph interrupted before Jordan got out whatever he needed to say. Pulling off Jordan’s arm, he turned and began to walk away, no longer feeling that urge of hunger. “But I’ll see ya.”

Not.

Or, hopefully not.

 

 

“What. In. The. Hell. Is. That.”

And it would begin.

“Well,” Joseph started nervously while brushing his hair after the lovely shower he had taken to prolong this conversation, “It’s a piercing.”

“No shit,” his mother snapped, crossing her arms where she stood in the doorway of his bathroom. Either she had been coming to just say hey or to ask him something. Whatever the reason, it had caused the inevitable that he had wanted to put off for as long as possible. “Why the hell is there a piercing in your ear?”

Clearing his throat as he put his brush away and turned to face her, Joseph smiled nervously. “Uh, well, I, uh, got it pierced. At a parlor because that’s safer than…” There was no way he could finish a sentence when she gave him that glare that could kill. Joseph settled for clearing his throat again along with scratching his head.

“One, parlors are required to get parent’s consent if someone is underage. I don’t remember signing anything so obviously this particular person pierced illegally. Two, I didn’t give permission. Three, I didn’t give permission.”

“Mayko, c’mon. It’s not like I haven’t been saying since I was like twelve that I wanted piercings. It can’t seriously be a shock.” Dear God help him when he started his sleeve. Or got more piercings.

Huffing and throwing her hands up in the air as she walked away, she griped mostly to herself “Stubborn bull-headed men in my life! Who cares if Vesela has an opinion! God forbid they listen to a woman!”

There was a small temptation to call out that it wasn’t about her being a woman and more that they were just nasty bull-headed men. But then Joseph realized that it really wasn’t worth the headache that would come with those words. No way.

Throwing himself onto his bed after grabbing Peanut so she could snuggle with him, Joseph yawned for what could be the hundredth time today. Yanking his blankets on top of them to keep them all snuggly and warm, Joseph closed his eyes with his face pressed into his cat’s soft fur.

Flicking his eyes open, Joseph was surprised to find himself in his forest. Nowadays, the green pills were practically required to make it in. So for him to actually be in just from sleeping?

It was worrisome. Not even exciting.

“Get up.”

Jumping up in terror, Joseph came face to face with Diana who hadn’t spoken to him in months. “Uh, hi.”

The dragon girl looked the same, if only aged like him. Her eyes seemed more angry but that was it. _As if that’s not a problem…_ “Follow.”

As he watched her walk off, Joseph wished he could just thrust himself awake right now to get away. He didn’t know if he wanted to follow or not. What if it was some sick trap that his volatile mind had conjured up? Could he torture himself? What if he could?

“Stop thinking and follow, silly boy!”

With a sigh, Joseph dragged himself after her, praying to God as he did. Maybe he didn’t belive like he used to but still. A little prayer never hurt. He didn’t know if God existed in dream space or could hear from wherever all the way over here was but Joseph sure hoped so. He needed those prayers heard.

Because for all he knew, bad shit was about to go down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Some dream conjecture today! Dreaming is funny business that I've literally got no clue what to do with half the time. But as I was writing I came up with this theory and from what we actually do know about dreaming, it kinda works? I think it does. Lemme know what y'all think
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"I don't bite."_

“You’ve been stealing a lot,” Diana said as they walked on. Joseph had been coming to his forest for years and yet could never memorize it because it was always shifting. The same sort of things would be in it – birds, ponds, tress, and whatever – but they’d be somewhere else than the last time. He didn’t know if it was the forest’s way of protecting itself or not which made no sense because Joseph was technically the forest but okay.

Okay.

But that was why he had no idea where they were or where they were going. Nothing even looked remotely familiar. _Damn you, forest._

“Well maybe if I wasn’t attacked every five seconds, I wouldn’t.” Was being mouthy with a dragon girl thing a good idea? Experience and books had taught him no, not really, but to hell with experience and books. Joseph was kind of incapable of keeping his words to himself, especially nowadays.

Blame laid with Ivo and his lack of filter. It was apparently genetic.

Huffing, Diana came to halt and turned on him, fire burning in her eyes. That fire burning within her actually caused Joseph to take a step back. Maybe mouthing off was not the best idea. “Silly boy, how many times must I say we are you? How many times must I explain? You are smart and yet so stupid.” Turning back around and continuing their journey, she threw her hands up in exasperation. “Always so stupid.”

Not wanting to fall behind, Joseph picked up the pace so they were shoulder to shoulder. Rather, side by side because even though she too grew, she was nowhere near his height. “Full offense, Diana, but no matter how many times you say that? It don’t make shit difference. I don’t understand.”

“You never understand,” she snorted, half in contempt like she was dealing with a complete idiot. Although, apparently in her mind she was. “You’re not even close to your great grandfather. Most likely never will be.”

Joseph stumbled to an abrupt halt, staring after Diana who kept walking until she realized that he was no longer with her. “Wait, what?” She knew his prádyádo? How was that even possible?

Her only answer was a raised brow that he couldn’t tell whether it was like a challenge or her being bored. Scratching his head in his confusion, Joseph tried again with the wish that just once she’d answer him properly. “Did you know my prádyádo? I thought you’re a figment of my imagination. I thought I…I don’t know…made you?”

Laughing, Diana gestured to the forest around them, even doing a little twirl. “Joseph! This is all a figment of your imagination! You created this!” It was creepy her saying his name; he couldn’t remember the last time she had ever actually used it. “Don’t you ever understand anything?”

No, no he didn’t.

Diana walked back over to him, a passionate flame burning in those slits of her pupils like she was declaring his fate or something. Like she was the master and he the student. “Joseph, this is your imagination. Joseph, you made this world just like all the ones before you, with you, and after you.” She held a finger to his chest, her claws remaining retracted. “You, Joseph, were presented with the gift. Your mind was strong enough to accept it. Most people, those ‘normal’ fools, they can’t handle the pressure and power. So the mind rejects it. It goes to the recesses of their mush of a brain, forgotten.”

This was the most explaining the freak before him had ever done and yet he was still completely lost with this unloading of new information. Did she mean that everyone was born this way? That everyone began with his power but not everyone could access it? That sounded right but he knew if he asked for clarification, she’d just get pissed again, call him an idiot, and walk off.

“Everyone is born with imagination. Some have better than others. This,” she did a circle arc with her arm, once again referencing the forest, “is all imagination. Built upon that of others, again, again, and again. One after the other or sometimes together unwittingly.”

“If…” Joseph tried grasping the thought that was tickling the side of his brain. “If everyone is born with this power…wait…” Dammit, thought. He knew it was right there at the edge of his mind, waiting to be properly examined. It was just out of reach.

“Think about it harder.”

“I’m trying, dammit,” he muttered, biting his lip in concentration. “Some people can’t subconsciously handle the power…it’s rejected. Like an organ? Those who can…that’s a successful transplant, right? It’s all subconscious because people aren’t even aware it’s happening. I wasn’t.”

It had been the night of his seventh birthday and he had awoken in the forest. Under a pile of leaves, he had found his leaf bracelet. Had his mind been ready? Been able to accept the ‘organ?’ “What about people who reject it? Can it affect people negati-” He stopped abruptly, another niggling hitting his brain. Possibly a major niggling.

Ivo.

Had Ivo’s mind been strong enough? Able to accept the gift only for it to go wrong? Joseph felt that maybe his father was some sort of schizophrenic after some research but what if his mind had been damaged because the transplant had gone wrong? Hell, maybe he was both a schizophrenic and had a bad transplant with dream powers, making his head the mess that it was. Ivo had a good imagination, even as old as he was. He loved to read and get lost in those stories and spent time imagining what could have gone differently in something like a movie or show.

What if the power had messed with his father’s mind? Could that have happened? With the assumption that everyone was born with it…what if those who had it genetically had it stronger? More control? Maybe that was why Joseph was able to control his dreams at such a young age. Take out heavy duty things or make perfectly forged people with just weeks of practice. Maybe it took other people years. What if Joseph’s powers were so controlled – in the old days – because it not only came from his mother’s side but should have from his father too?

 _Am I onto something or is this all just conjecture? It makes sense but…_ “Can it harm someone if the transplant goes wrong? Or maybe something traumatic happens?” Joseph had no clue when Ivo started hearing and seeing things but what if it was triggered? Or at least, the worst of it was?

Shrugging without a care in the world, Diana replied “If it does then it does. Not anyone’s problem. They should have been able to handle it, not to revert back to the foolish normalcy.”

Joseph hated Ivo’s guts but if dream power transplant surgery going wrong was the reason the man had issues, then it was a fucking problem. Because that affected everyone around him. However, it wasn’t worth the fight. He knew that Diana didn’t grasp the concept of people and humanity. She never would no matter how much he said or tried to explain. “Okay, so did you know my prádyádo or not? Met him?”

Eyeroll. “You haven’t been listening to a word I just said.”

“Yes I did!”

“Nope,” she said in that tone that meant she was done talking about this. Turning with her hair swaying as she did, Diana began to walk off. “Let’s go!”

Shaking his head with a groan because this was the most he had ever gotten out of her and yet he was still kind of stuck at square one, Joseph trekked after her. But a few steps in, he realized how fuzzy the grass seemed. Not fuzzy like soft but fuzzy like the dream was wearing thin. He’d probably been in for a long time, the forest had to be growing tired. Or…his imagination?

He really had no idea. This was all so much bullshit.

When he felt around the forest with his mind, trying to keep the seams together, he felt them stretching with the contact. Joseph knew it was too late for anything else. Time was up.

“Fucking Diana,” Joseph muttered into his pillow when his eyes opened. He didn’t even get to find out why he was following her. They just had to stop and talk, didn’t they?

Sigh escaping him as he stretched, a smile grew on his face as Peanut started to purr next to him. Scratching her between the ears, Joseph whispered “You’re the best.” His cat replied by letting her tongue slip out. “Such a fucking dork.”

 

 

“And this is eventually going to be a sleeve?”

“That’s the plan,” Joseph replied, his chin set in his hands as he sat and watched Drake examine the quick sketch Joseph had done. It was trash next to what Drake could do but it was good enough to give the artist the idea. “Just grayscale. Maybe a little green in the vines but that’s it.”

Drake was nodding as he examined the sketch of the roses and vines, his eyebrows scrunched. Taking out a blank sheet of paper and grabbing the pencil sitting on the table, he began resketching, forming the idea into an even better one. “I think it’ll come out good. They’ll be some empty spaces between the vines where there aren’t any roses though. You good with that?”

“I might think of something to fill in the space but for now, it isn’t a big deal.” Let him survive getting just a rose without his mother murdering him, not to go thinking about filling in spaces. “I wanna start at the top of my shoulder and then over the months work our way down.” By his research, larger tattoos were usually done in sessions with healing time in between each. The healing time depended on the body but generally, between a week and a month.

“Sounds good,” Drake nodded once more, adding a few more lines into the vines. “Thorns?”

“Yes please.”

Another nod. “This will end up looking sick as fuck, no doubt in my mind.”

“I sure hope so,” Joseph snorted as he accepted the sketch to take a good look. This was going to be permanently etched into his skin. It better look sick as fuck. Examining the drawing before him, Joseph was sure it would. The roses and vines were much nicer than anything he could have ever drawn. Oddly, Joseph could draw the most complex cars but everything else always ended up looking like complete shit. “I love it.”

“Great!” Drake exclaimed as he stood and went to a desk pressed against the wall of the room, picking up a file and coming back. Taking his seat once more, the artist took out a couple forms and slid them over to Joseph across the table along with a pen. “Read everything. You don’t understand, make sure you ask. Then fill out what needs to be filled and sign.”

Pulling over the papers with a finger and snagging the pen, Joseph took the time to carefully read all the sheets carefully. He didn’t want to accidently sign over his life or something. Some people were such idiots where they didn’t even read what they were signing, just wrote their names like fools.

Such fools.

Once he was satisfied with his understanding of everything he had read, he filled in the medical information and then signed everywhere that required it. “Okay. All good.”

“Niiice.” Drake read over the papers and made sure everything was good before eagerly asking “Are we starting today?”

“Nah, man, I wish.” He’d wait for Friday, that way he had the weekend for the worst of the wound to heal without having to leave the house or accidently have harmful contact at school or something. “You good for Friday…three-ish? Three-fifteen maybe? After school.”

“Definitely. I’ll be all prepped and ready by three and you show up within the hour. Make sure you eat really well and drink lots of water. Both things will help a lot during the process. It’s your first tat and session so I’m gonna shoot for no more than four hours. Can you sit still that long?”

Joseph nodded after he considered the words. He could do that. Hopefully the ‘eat really well’ part wouldn’t be too hard but other than that, all was good. “Yeah, yeah, good. See you Friday then.”

As he drove home, he noticed a certain special someone on a bike. “Hey, Blue!” he called out through his now open window. The petite girl came to a stop and waved, a tiny smile on her face. Joseph knew to take those smiles in strides. They were worth a lot. “Need a lift?”

“Uh, no, I’m good.”

Rolling his eyes, he pulled over to park and jumped out of his car. “Bike fits in the trunk, you know. Well, more or less but same shit.”

She took a minute to think about it before shrugging and getting off her bike and driving it to the back of the car. When Joseph reached over to put it in after popping the trunk, Blue gave him a look. Sighing, he muttered “In my experience and everything I’ve grown up with, women like a gentleman.”

“Maybe but we aren’t helpless,” Blue replied as she flipped her bike into the trunk, struggling just a little. “We aren’t just waiting around for a guy to do everything for us.”

“Blue,” Joseph snorted as he carefully closed the trunk, tying it closed with a rope he usually kept around just in case. Ironically, in case of situations like this particular one. “I come from a family of very very strong women. Strong women who have actually beaten me up to prove that they could.”

_“You seriously think I can’t take you?” Anka laughed as they stood outside in her backyard. “I may be a year younger and shorter, but I can totally take you to the floor.”_

_“No, you can’t,” Joseph replied although he was feeling a tiny bit nervous. Ivet could easily take him down but she was older than both him and Anka. No way his younger cousin could, could she? “I’d like to see you try.”_

_A sparkling smirk grew on his cousin’s face as she snorted “Okay, twig boy. I don’t need more than five minutes.”_

_She didn’t weigh more than him, did she? No way. But he was still taller regardless so- “Shit,” he said in surprise as a force hit him down onto the floor. Blinking up in surprise, he had the urge to punch his smiling cousin right now. “I wasn’t ready.”_

_Literally sitting crossed legged on his stomach – making breathing a serious pain – Anka’s smile grew even larger. “No one waits in a fight, loser.”_

“Because of this,” he continued, leaning on the trunk of his car with Blue standing beside him, “I know very well that women are not waiting for a man on a shining horse to save the day. Trust me, I get it. But there is nothing wrong for you to just once accept my nice gestures. Just once, Blue.”

“I’m getting into your car for a ride, aren’t I?”

Yeah, he shouldn’t ask for too much. “I guess,” Joseph sighed as he walked back to the open door, getting into the car as Blue got into the passenger seat. “Where to?”

Brushing a loose piece of hair back behind her ear, Blue shrugged. “I was just leaving school so I guess home. I don’t have anything to do.”

A smile grew on his face. Hello, opportunity. “I’m not gonna offer lunch because you’ll just get slightly pissy but how about something fun?”

He could tell she wanted to say something about becoming ‘pissy’ but instead the eccentric girl closed her mouth and scrunched her brows in thought. After a minute, she murmured “What kind of fun?”

In reality, he had no clue. For some reason, he still couldn’t really figure out what the fuck she liked. “Whatever you’d like. Throw an idea out there and I’ll make it happen.” Hopefully.

Blue looked at him carefully, like she was studying him, before her gaze flicked down to where his hand was rested on the gear shift. “I’ve never driven before.”

Not what he was expecting but Joseph could easily work with that. “I can teach you?”

Still looking unsure, Blue finally looked back up to his face. There was slight apprehension on her face, possibly from the prospect of getting behind a wheel but there was also an underlying current of excitement. After a few more seconds of thinking, the excitement ended up winning over, causing her eyes to sparkle. “I think I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	28. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> This chpt is good. Like really good. Or at least, I think so. Interesting at the very least.  
> Also in honor of us hitting more than 300 hits and His World was a Nightmare hitting 1800...  
> TWO Snapshots!  
> Woop!  
> I know, I know, you're welcome
> 
> First is the peeps back in Jersey's Fourth of July in Anka's pov (that's new) and then the other is a bit of history with the first time Vesela and Ivo saw each other. AKA the infamous ice cream store sighting  
> If you don't know what that is, go read the first story.
> 
> Enjoy some Sarvinsky!
> 
> _"My lazy ass apologizes.”_

She was scared.

Actually, understatement of the year.

Blue was terrified.

“Maybe…this is a bad idea…” Blue trailed off as she stood in the open driver’s door of some car. She had no clue what it was even doing here at the fairgrounds but she was thankful that Joseph wasn’t letting her drive his car. What if she messed it up for him? Plus, wasn’t stick way harder? This car was at least automatic. That sounded easier.

“Don’t be silly,” he replied as he popped the hood and got out, going to the front. What was he checking for? Lifting the hood and putting the stick thing, Joseph added “It’ll be fine. It’s sounds and looks harder than it actually is.”

Joining him as he screwed off some cap and pulled out some wire thing, Blue asked “What if I mess up the car or something?” She watched him wipe the wire thing with a napkin before sticking it back in only to take it out again. “What are you doing?”

Sparing her a quick glance from examining the wire, Joseph answered “Checking the oil and water and shit. Car’s been sitting here for a while so I wanna make sure it’ll run okay. It’s from the Fourth party; used it for racing and shit. And this car is pretty shitty anyways so don’t worry about messing anything up. Although, I doubt you will. Driving is a lot of common sense and even the technical stuff isn’t that technical. You’ll be fine; you’re way smart.”

Blush tinging her cheeks because this boy somehow always managed to get one from her, Blue thought about how nice it must be not worrying about ruining a car because it was ‘shitty.’ Aglionby rich. “Still…”

Shutting the hood after finishing his check, Joseph leaned on it as he turned to face her. “Scared?”

It didn’t sound accusing at all, it was just a question but it still infuriated her. She tried not to let it tailor her answer though. They had gotten into so many arguments because she always took his words wrong. “A little nervous maybe.”

He looked like he wanted to hold her hand or something but he didn’t. Instead, Joseph simply walked back to the driver’s seat, plopping in. Blue once more followed him and stood in the doorway. The gaunt boy seemed to be thinking about something before he looked to her and said “Have a seat.”

“Uh…where?” He was very obviously sitting in the chair even though she was supposed to be the driver.

With that particular laugh that Blue liked, he smiled charmingly and patted a leg. “Duh, here.”

Did he seriously mean… “O-On your lap?” Her face was so hot, an egg could probably be cooked on it. Could she bring herself to sit on a boy’s lap? On an _Aglionby_ boy’s lap?

The charming smile grew larger. “Yeah. I’m thin as fuck and you’re small as fuck so we’ll fit.” He patted his leg again. “I don’t bite,” he cut himself off with a bout of genuine laughter, “Unless you want me to, that is.”

An entire steak could be cooked on her _entire body_ right now. She was embarrassed by the nervous giggle that came out her mouth but how could she stop it? He was blatantly flirting and daring and it was all new to her. How was she supposed to handle it?

Taking a deep breath and knowing that if anyone she knew saw her right now, she was so socially screwed, Blue carefully got in, taking the offered lap. Blue took another breath because that was what was going to keep her going right now before closing the door. She felt horribly awkward as she sat still and stiff in Joseph’s lap.

She practically jumped when he suddenly moved, probably trying to get himself comfortable. When hot breath made contact with her ear, Blue knew that red was the new color of her skin. “Just relax, Blue,” he whispered before he looped that same piece of hair that had been bugging her all day behind her ear. “But we don’t have to do this if you don’t want. If you’re too uncomfortable. No big deal, Blue.”

It was the way he said her name, how he kept saying her name, that made her firm her resolve. It was him giving her an out if she wanted it. It was him being that gentleman he always seemed to be around her. “I’m fine,” she whispered, barely hearing herself over the fast-paced beat of her heart.

“You sure?”

“Mhmm,” Blue nodded before trying to get a little comfortable in his lap. He was…kinda bony but it had never been so evident until she sat on him.

Oh God, she was sitting on a boy.

If the giggle was embarrassing, the squeak when he softly adjusted her himself was. There had to be a smirk on his face but Blue couldn’t bring herself to look at him right now. She’d just end up entirely mortified.

“Alright,” he said, voice going back to normal, no longer soft and…seducing. “First and pretty important, can you reach the pedals?” Joseph practically choked when she jammed her elbow back into his stomach. “Ow.”

Honestly, she hadn’t meant to do it. It was an involuntary reaction to his question which was probably harmless. He most likely hadn’t meant it to sound insulting. “Sorry.”

The movement wasn’t meant to be sexual or anything, it was just him rubbing the spot where she had hit him. But in order to do so, he had to wrap his arm around her. Whether it was intentional or not, it was a good payback because Blue’s skin – finally having calmed down – flared hot at the contact even though there were layers of clothes between them.

“Okay,” he huffed, leaving his arm loosely wrapped and hand resting in her lap. “I assume you can reach. Now, keys are in the cupholder. Start her up.”

Grabbing them from the mentioned spot, Blue put it in the ignition and twisted. She wasn’t sure how long she was supposed to twist but had probably gone too long because Joseph carefully rested his hand on hers and removed it from the keys. But he said nothing of it as he continued. “Alright, foot on the brake then put it in drive.”

That wasn’t at all nerve wracking. Taking a deep breath, she stretched her foot and felt at the two pedals. One was bigger than the other…that was the brake, right? Blue was too embarrassed to ask and show how little she knew. But she didn’t have to as she felt that hot breath on her ear again, a whisper joining it. “Big one, Blue.”

Why did he have to say her name like that? It was so…sensual. Soft.

Kind of sexy.

Not good.

Pressing down on the brake with a nod, she rested her hand on the gearshift. Her nerves were getting the better of her as she was too afraid to actually get the car going. What if she crashed? What if something happened? They were at the abandoned fairgrounds and in a huge empty field but still. What if?

Joseph shifted a little beneath her to sit straighter while resting his hand atop hers. Was it normal for hands to be so warm? Actually, all of him was so warm. He was warm. The boy also smelled kind of nice; he’d smell better if there wasn’t that underlying scent of weed mixed with his smell and the cologne. It bothered her that he smoked but at least he never did it in front of her.

“Relax, Blue,” Joseph whispered with that very hot breath against her ear. “You can do it.”

 _I can do this._ Taking a deep breath, she held the button to unlock the shift and pulled it back to the ‘D.’ Her foot ached from how hard she was pushing the brake but Blue was too afraid to lighten her step. “Now?”

His other arm grabbed her free hand and put it to the steering wheel. It seemed he was going to remain in sensual mode because he didn’t revert back to his normal tone. Maybe he could tell how it calmed her down a little. “Now we drive. Make sure you can see at least almost passed the hood. If not, I’ll move the seat up.”

The hood was visible but barely. “Seat, please.”

It bothered her how she felt a loss when the hand that had been holding hers on the wheel left to scoot the seat. Why should she feel like this? In fact, she knew she shouldn’t. It’d just bring trouble. How did this boy manage to make her so stupid?

Both hand and breath returned. “How ‘bout now?”

Adjusting herself a bit in his lap to see even better, she froze when a tiny noise escaped his lips. Blue suddenly became extremely conscious of where exactly her butt was. How boys and arousal worked exactly, she didn’t know because hello, she was a girl but it was all she was aware of right now. How easy was it for a guy to get aroused? Could it happen just from a girl in a lap? Scarlet was the color of her skin as she tried to see if she could feel anything. Wasn’t that how it worked? An erection could be felt through clothes?

Any comfort and relaxation she had gained had been completely drained from that one noise.

Nothing was being said and she wondered if Joseph was wishing he had kept quiet. He shifted just a tiny bit under her and his hand still holding hers on the gearshift clenched just a little. Was she…affecting him? As a teen girl, Blue’s heart fluttered in excitement. She had that kind of effect on a boy like him? Blue didn’t think she had it in her to be the subject of a boy’s…sexual…thoughts. An Aglionby boy at that. Joseph Kavinsky out of all of them. Literally all the girls in her school talked about him. There was even one who swore she had made out with him. More than that, she had given him oral sex. No one believed her and Blue didn’t know whether to either. She was sure the other girls didn’t believe it because they were jealous but what was Blue’s reason?

_Am I…jealous too? No way. I am not shallow like them._

But she was the one sitting in his lap so…

“Can I ask you something?” she breathed softly, breaking the silence.

One of his fingers atop her hand on the gearshift traced one of hers. Up and down, down and up. Blue had no idea how such a simple gesture made her flush even darker and cause a tingling throughout her body. She felt like her heart was going to explode from her chest and her stomach was going to throw up butterflies. Thank God they weren’t facing each other. “You can ask anything.”

“Did…um, did that girl really…did she really, uh…”

There was always that dream of knowing what someone was thinking at a certain time. What was Joseph thinking right now? But before she could come up with anything, all thoughts were erased as a shiver ran through her body. All he had done was have his nose touch the tip of her ear but the reaction it created was insane. Her whole body ignited into flames.

Keeping the contact between them, he said softly against her ear “Would that bother you?”

_Yes._

Flitting her eyes shut, she murmured as she felt him grasp her hand tighter “No. Just curious if she’s a liar or not.”

“Why?”

_Because I want it to be a lie._

“Just wondering if she just wishes that she had.”

A snort erupted from him before Joseph pulled away and leaned back into the chair. The sudden loss of both contact and warmth was striking. She wanted them back. “It’s always interesting to listen to what people talk about me.”

It wasn’t an answer; it was one of those ‘I neither confirm nor deny’ and Blue wasn’t sure she was happy about that. She wanted him to say no. To tell her that the girl was just an attention needing annoyance. But why did Blue need that validation? _Why are you so stupid around him?_

“You still gonna teach me to drive?” she asked because silence fell, turning her head to look at him. His head was tilted slightly to the side as his blank face examined her carefully. “I didn’t mean to offend or anything,” Blue added hastily because maybe that was bugging him.

“You didn’t offend me.”

_Then why is your face so blank? Your tone so dead? Why did you stop being close to me?_

_Why do I care?_

Blue had no idea.

That was a problem.

“Oh…then…”

His arms suddenly wrapped around her waist. Not tight where she’d freak out but they were there nonetheless. Scooting himself in the chair to go back to the way he was, Joseph rested his chin on her shoulder, his mouth an inch from her ear. “Just thinking about something. Sorry.”

God knew that she’d love to know what he was thinking about. “It’s okay. So driving?”

“Totally,” Joseph replied, straightening and going back to his normal voice. There was a pang in her heart caused by missing his soft whispers that she tried to ignore. Even the arms at her waist loosened. “Ease off the brake and onto the gas. Super soft.”

The fear was back at the current task and Blue wished she knew how to ask him to go back to the whispers. To hold her a little tighter and squash the worries. But she had no clue how to ask such stupid things. What she did know, though, was a very certain thing.

She was so screwed for him.

Big trouble had to be coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	29. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Now the question here is...how much of this dream is true?  
> Hmmmmm
> 
> Also new Snapshot! Daniel and Chaerin
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _“You think I’m a freak, don’t you.”_

“Ready?”

“Uh…yeah?”

Drake laughed as he pointed to Joseph’s shirt for him to take it off. “You’ll be fine, Jersey. Yes, it hurts but I think you can take it. Just steady your breathing and think happy thoughts.”

Ha. Ha. Him. Joseph. Think happy thoughts. Good one. But he had already made it here, signed the forms, and signed his life away for when his mother would find out so…

Joseph yanked off his shirt. He could totally do this.

“Awesome, dude!” Drake sat down in his chair beside Joseph left arm, dragging the roller tray/table that had all his supplies closer. Joseph had watched closely and made sure that the tattoo artist had opened fresh needles from closed packages. No fucking diseases today.

They were going to start with a rose at the top of the outer side of his arm, next to the start of his shoulder. Drake cleansed the area, applied the stencil which Joseph would have to pay extra for because it was custom, and then applied some Vaseline. “Here we go, Jersey. Happy thoughts.”

And the machine buzzed to life.

_Dear God, I know I haven’t been to church in almost a year, haven’t exactly been believing, but have mercy on me._

 

 

In short, they were some of the longest four hours of Joseph’s life. Also, some of the most painful. The pain wasn’t extreme, proving Drake right, but it still hurt like a complete fucking bitch. Joseph had cringed in the beginning but Drake had started making conversation and Joseph had started to relax a little. By the end of the first hour, the pain was more of an annoying dull ache that he was barely registering as he chattered on about how in the hell could Peter Jackson just erase Tom Bombadil’s existence.

Turned out Drake was a Tolkien fan too. It was nice having someone he could just completely nerd to when he was busy being everything he typically wasn’t on the outside.

By the end of the last hour, Joseph had been more tired than anything else. It had been a long day at school and then a long day at the parlor and he was just beat. Hopefully, he’d at least get through the weekend without his mother noticing the tattoo. Just a little peace was all that he was hoping for.

Arriving home, he called out a hello as he hung up his keys by the door and locked up for the night. They usually didn’t bother going out in the evenings and while Joseph still saw very little evidence of crime here, he made sure to lock the door at night. He was surprised that his mother didn’t greet him but as he trudged up the stairs and down the hallway to his room, he heard why.

“Ivo, I don’t know how many times I have to repeat- You’re just never going to get it.”

He wondered what it was that she had to keep repeating to her bastard. That she wasn’t coming back? It couldn’t be about Joseph; that wouldn’t make any sense. It had to be something about her because who else would Ivo ask about? Deciding that he felt like making a point in showing Ivo that he was being ignored, Joseph knocked on his mother’s door and opened, his backpack still on his shoulder. Just one because, obviously, the other was currently out of commission. “Hiya.”

Her face had looked annoyed but when she noticed him, it blossomed into her beautiful smile that he’d kill for. Joseph never thought he’d see the day where Ivo had to work harder than him to win that smile. It had always been the opposite. “Hey, baby! How was your day?”

Slightly painful. His shoulder throbbed to remind him of its existence and of what he had done. “Pretty good. I got a B on that math test which is pretty good I think. But I probably should have studied harder.” _Instead of ‘teaching’ Blue to drive and stuff._

Blue had literally been terrified to drive. She had put the car into motion and eased forward but it freaked her the hell out to where she had slammed the brake.

_“Oh Jesus fucking Christ,” he cursed when Blue suddenly hit the brake causing them to both jolt forward. Seatbelt. Seatbelt would be a fantastic idea right now._

_“Sorry,” she cringed, her hands grasping the wheel tightly. “We…were moving.”_

_Yes, because that’s what was supposed to happen. “No problem, just caught me by surprise.”_

_Reaching back between the seat and the door, he grabbed the seatbelt and looped around the both of them. He made sure that the way he looped his arm around her wasn’t anything but he did leave his hand in her lap. Joseph felt like Blue was conflicted on whether or not she wanted him touching her or not. She seemed to enjoy it depending on the moment and touch._

_And he kind of liked touching her. That had to be good. Fags didn’t like to touch girls, did they? Joseph liked being close to Blue, she calmed his brain down if that made any sense. “Alright, gas. Nice and soft.”_

Why exactly she was afraid, he wasn’t sure but maybe she just didn’t like the fact of literally sitting in a killing machine. But the day definitely hadn’t been a waste. Not only was he pretty sure that she was at least just a tiny bit jealous of the redhead who had sucked him off but after enough of her and his moving?

Joseph had gotten a bit of a hard on. From a girl. And if that wasn’t a highlight of his week, nothing was. He had known that he would either piss her off or make her uncomfortable with the offer of his lap but he hadn’t expected it to go as well as it had. Hell, Blue had _shivered._ Yeah, he had totally felt that.

All the way to his dick.

Totally on the straight path already.

The phone was in his mother’s lap but with the line still open. “Not bad. Could have done way better though.”

“Yeah, I know. My lazy ass apologizes.” He had been busy with something way more important at the time. Erasing the grossness of his sexuality was hella work but Joseph liked to think he was making good progress.

She smiled and rolled her eyes as she said “Food is in the microwave. Go eat.”

“Thank you!” he called as he crossed the hall to his own room, tossing his bag onto his floor. He was careful as he changed his shirt, mindful of the bandage on his upper arm. At least the weather was still pretty chilly; it’d be easier to hide his new ink with him wearing a long sleeve. The rose had looked beyond amazing when Joseph had seen it in a mirror before Drake wrapped it up while preaching strict after care instructions. When it was done, the sleeve would definitely be beyond fucking awesome.

After dinner and spending some quality time with the two ladies in his life, Joseph went back to his room and got ready for bed. The day had been long and taxing and he was definitely ready for at least a good couple hours of sleep. He wasn’t greedy so he wouldn’t ask for more than that.

But of course, typical of his life, Joseph didn’t get what he wanted. _When do I ever?_ Because once he had actually fallen asleep, the next time he was aware of himself, he could feel the waves of dreams. Dreaming world always had a different air about them.

Maybe him and Diana were going to finish that trip this time.

Or maybe…

Not.

Once his eyes were open and he was aware of his surroundings, Joseph realized that he wasn’t even in the forest. At all. Like not even close.

He was home.

Like literally home. In Jersey. Hoboken.

In his house.

The dream was extremely fuzzy and Joseph didn’t know if that was because he was just plain exhausted or it was something else. Was it because…yeah…he had no clue. But he wasn’t going to waste his chance of being home. He missed it so much that it was insane.

Rolling out of his childhood bed – _when did I stop seeing myself as a child? –_ Joseph walked to his door and opened it up, sticking his head out. The house was silent, not a noise existing. Or, at least, so he thought.

Because there was a faint sound of…crying?

Stepping out, Joseph walked to the end of the hall, stopping at the top of the stairs. Downstairs seemed quiet so…that left only a couple other places. And since Joseph didn’t think anyone was currently occupying the two guest rooms up here, that left one.

His parents’ room.

With soft footsteps, Joseph backtracked from where he had come except this time passed his room to go a door down. Said door was slightly ajar and the noises were definitely from there. Because this was a dream…nothing could actually happen, right? That had to be right.

Except, at least in Joseph’s dreams, shit always happened.

Curiosity was a powerful bitch though…

Opening the door slowly, Joseph peered in to a sight that made his heart wilt in sadness. Didn’t Diana say that everything was literally a figment of his imagination in this side of the world? So he had to be imagining this. There was probably no truth in this scenario but…

Hell, Joseph wanted it to be true. And dreams were nothing if not what you wished could be.

With a soft breath, Joseph slipped into the room and went to sit beside Ivo. The older man was sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the bed, his head atop his drawn-up knees.

And he was crying.

Or at least sniffling.

It was so easy to hate this man. The hate was so damn easy because Ivo deserved every ounce of it. No one else was to blame for the ruining of their lives except the asshole currently beside him. He was a terrible human being, a sick one too, so loathing his existence was appropriate.

Despite all this, despite knowing that Ivo was abusive to both Joseph and his mother, and despite living in hell…despite all of that and yet…

Joseph just wanted his father back.

Anyone who knew the situation and heard that would think of him as stupid. The easy victim of an abusive relationship, always forgiving, willing to give in. Maybe there was some truth to that but Joseph didn’t give a fuck. Because he wanted his family again. He wanted to live back in this house, see his aunt and her husband, his annoying cousins, and Ivet and bába.

He wanted Emilio back too.

Every part of what his life was had carved a cavernous hole in him, nothing able to fill the emptiness. Joseph didn’t care about hurtful words or hair pulling; they were insignificant. His father had loved him, he knew that for a fact. And yet despite that love, the man had thrown it all away because of one stupid thing.

“I miss you,” Joseph whispered to the figment of his dream still seated beside him. These were words he’d never say aloud and never admit to while he was awake. But here in the void of his mind, Joseph let himself admit it. “I miss everything we had, everything that we were.”

“I miss you too.”

If only those words were true. This was just a dream, his mind conjuring up his wishes to be cruel. Throw them in his face. “I wish that were true.”

“Who said it isn’t?”

“Ivo Kavinsky would never miss his faggot son.” No way. Joseph was sure that Ivo missed Joseph’s mother but that was it. But his words hadn’t come out accusing, simply making a statement. “You beat me within an inch of my life. You don’t give a fuck about me anymore. I’m no one.”

Ivo’s head stayed rested on his knees, not ever bothering to look up or to the side. “I ask about you every day.” What bullshit. His brain was such an asshole like the person it occupied. It knew how to make everything hurt. “How do I get you to forgive me?”

Stopping the snort that came out him would never be possible. Forgive him? Yeah, Joseph wanted his fucking life back and yeah, he especially wanted his father back. But there was no getting those back. Even if Ivo was able to lie his way through an apology, it wouldn’t matter. Every time he’d look at Joseph, his brain would probably immediately go to catching him and Emilio. Joseph would forever be a fag in Ivo’s mind.

There was no going back.

“Only way I’d ever forgive you is for you to accept me,” Joseph whispered. He may be playing straight out in the world, may be working hard to erase the fag side of him, but deep down, Joseph knew what he was. Knew how he was. What type of people he wanted to love. “After a seriously amazingly sincere apology where you admit all the horrible things you did to me. After you swear that I’m not some nasty sin. That I’m gay and that…that that’s a beautiful thing.”

“Maybe I just need time.”

A broken laugh erupted from him as he wiped the silent tears streaming down his face. “You have no time left. You’re already dead. I’ll never get to hear you apologize, never get to hear you tell me that there’s n-nothing wrong with me.” Resting his head back on the edge of the bed, Joseph stared up at the ceiling as he let his tears run waterfalls down his cheeks. Or…lack thereof. “N-Never get to hear me tell you how s-sorry I am for k-killing you.”

“You’re forgiven.”

Strangled laugh dying in his throat, Joseph covered his face and cried “God I w-wish that were true. I’m such a fuckup.”

“Well, I am too so I guess we know where it came from. Let’s be honest here, you’re only messed up because of how terrible of a father I was.”

“You weren’t always terrible,” Joseph replied after a slow deep breath, calming his cries. “No matter how much I hate you, there will always be wonderful things I remember about you. Nothing will ever erase them.”

He didn’t know if it was because he wanted to see his father so bad or because somehow, Ivo was as aware as he was in this dream but the man picked his head up finally and stared at Joseph. “Brat, I-”

Joseph jolted awake.

“Fuck!” he shouted in frustration. What if they were onto a breakthrough? It may only be a dream but he could at least get some closure from there. It would be fake and a lie but Joseph had always been a liar on behalf of himself. Why did this moment have to be different?

Jumping a little when his door suddenly burst open, he blinked harshly as the light was turned on. “Ouch,” he muttered when his mother came around the corner of his bookcase, looking half asleep herself. A quick glance to his clock made him realize that it was almost two in the morning. “Hi.”

Looking exhausted as she scratched her head, his mother muttered “What the hell.”

Rubbing his eyes, Joseph shakily smiled and shrugged. “Something wrong?”

“Oh no,” she replied sarcastically, leaning on his bookcase. “We all just shout ‘fuck’ in the middle of the night. I thought something happened to you, dammit.”

Yawning, he stretched his tired muscles that twinged in protest. For a second, he didn’t understand why his shoulder and upper arm ached so much until he remembered what he had done today. Scratch that, yesterday. “Sorry. I woke up at the best part of my dream.” Or at least he figured it was going to be the best part. What had Ivo wanted to say?

“Jesus Christ,” she grumbled, walking away with her horribly messy bun and bedhead. She slammed the switch to turn off the light before sighing a ‘goodnight’ and shutting the door.

His bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	30. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So I know I had mentioned starting putting up Proko's story a while back and obvs it hasn't happened yet. I'm aiming for May because school/senior show/graduation will sort of settle down by then. Emilio won't be long after that because I think that's when our timelines should start matching. That's game plan right now so hopefully we stick to it. I'm hoping to get back to three updates a week soon but we'll see.
> 
> Frequently mentioned sidenote, suggestions, ideas, characters, and stuff are always welcome. Obvs Snapshots too  
> For example, if you read the last story, we had a Russian enforcer created by the lovely Hatty who I have no idea if they read this story because they've never said a word.  
> Johanna and Daniel were base ideas from my brother that we refined together. Chaerin is fully my brother's character except I made her extremely happy.  
> Liam was inspired a reader who wanted someone with Hungarian heritage. Idk if they like Liam because I never heard back but it's all good.  
> Point is, you got someone or a type of someone you'd like to maybe see, let me know. I'm flexible. Doesnt even have to be a detailed bio or scene. Can be as simple as asking for a Hungarian or wanting to see a fight or something. We'll work it out.
> 
> Anyways, long ass note. My bad. I've been doing so well not rambling too.  
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _"It takes a guy to know what a guy likes.”_

“Cool, huh?” Joseph asked excitedly as Blue titled her head and examined his tattoo. She had to admit, it was pretty with the intricate black rose taking center stage and vines coming out from behind it. There was the temptation to trace them around his arm but Blue didn’t know if she should touch him. They’ve never exactly ‘touched’ beyond casual brushes.

And that time in the car.

Who was she kidding? He probably wouldn’t mind her touching.

“It’s really pretty,” she murmured as she softly traced his skin. Though it was flat art, it looked so real from the rose to the thorns poking out in warning. But the vines seemed to cut off abruptly. “Is it finished?” It didn’t look it.

Joseph shook his head as he tracked the movement of her finger, head rested in his palm, elbow on his drawn-up knee. “Nah, it’s going to be a whole sleeve. I have a long way to go. This is just from two sessions. But I’m liking how it’s going.”

“It’s coming out really nice so far.” Pulling down his sleeve for him, she turned back to looking out at the grounds of Aglionby. It was early morning and the weekend so there wasn’t a raven boy in sight. There wasn’t really anyone in sight on this fine Sunday morning. Sitting on roofs wasn’t really her thing but how could she say no to an opportunity like that? Especially when it proved to be a lovely morning.

It had been yesterday afternoon when she had been walking home from the store and the sound of a language she didn’t know rapping to a fast beat came to her ears. Over the months as she became more acquainted with Joseph, Blue had learned that he was bilingual and loved his heritage. So while she had absolutely no idea what the words were, she could recognize it as Bulgarian now.

So she hadn’t been at all surprised when his car pulled over beside her and the window came down to reveal the smiling boy. How this raven boy had caused her to not only find him charming but to actually enjoy his company, Blue had no idea.

But here they were.

“Happy to have accepted my invitation, huh?” he smiled cheekily. His face was covered with the sunglasses he wore but she could easily imagine that sparkle that came in his eyes when he was in a good mood. When his smiles were genuine. They didn’t happen often but were charming when they did.

Rolling her eyes, Blue snorted “You always have to rub everything in, don’t you?”

“No duh,” Joseph laughed as he took off his glasses and set them on his cap. “Where’s the fun if you don’t get to prove when you’re right? Uh, nowhere.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“Yeah but it’s the annoying guy who invited you to sit on a roof to see how pretty and quiet the mornings are. Win for him.”

It was definitely beautiful. There was no way around that. “Do you come up here a lot?”

He shook his head before turning and gazing out at the grounds below them. “I usually sit on my own. Seems my house had an attic that I didn’t know of. So I may or may not have made a way for me to be able to enjoy the sunrises from my own roof.”

She liked how he always seemed to like building or doing things with his hands. That was more than any other Aglionby boy; they usually just paid someone to do everything so they could lounge like jerks. “How did you not know you have an attic?”

“No attic in Jersey,” he replied with a shrug. “We had a basement that was connected to the garage. Not an attic. If we did, then I think our house would have been way too tall to be a house.”

“Which mansion is nicer? This one or Jersey’s?”

Joseph broke into a laugh, leaning back on his hands and smiling to her. “Who said I lived in a mansion? This house, yeah, because apparently that’s what people around here do. Back home, it’s just a house, Blue. Granted, a million dollar one but a house nonetheless. Three floors – basement/garage which was the ground floor, first floor although technically you had to use stairs outside to get to it, and then the second. Although I guess depending on how you count, the first floor could be considered the second and the second the third but whatever.”

“That still sounds like a mansion.”

Clucking his tongue to the negative, Joseph said “It literally looks like a tall rectangle. Surprisingly, it’s way bigger inside than it looks. Places in cities like that are usually super compact because there’s no space, you know? But I even had a backyard.”

“Is…that not a common thing?” She had a backyard. It was where her favorite tree lived.

“Pretty rare unless you’re like upstate New York or something. Staten Island. Most people have tiny rectangle backyards or balconies. Or they don’t have grass if they do have a yard.”

Interesting. Blue didn’t think she’d like not having a backyard. Or her tree. “Your dad must work a really good job.” She didn’t ever remember him mentioning that his mother worked so his dad had to be the breadwinner.

A shadow crossed his face and she was shocked by the quick flash of blinding hate in his eyes. They’d never talked about family much besides when they’d sometimes mention their moms. Was his father a topic that wasn’t supposed to be touched? “Something like that.”

Pushing more could end up in him getting mad but… “What’s he work?” She was Blue; he didn’t get mad at her just because of questions. Only when she was mean to him; judgmental. Questions had never warranted anger before.

Grating his lip between his teeth, the light in Joseph’s eyes died. His gaze examined her carefully like he was deciding if he wanted to talk about it with her. Finally, with that tone of voice that was so devoid of emotion, Joseph answered “He’s a mobster.”

Blue blinked at him in surprise. “Uh…seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Like Italian mafia sort of thing?”

That was able to ear her a tiny smirk on his full lips though he still wasn’t like he had been. “No, like Bulgarian mob sort of thing. Italians don’t have a monopoly on mafias, Blue.”

The thin insult bugged her but she was more focused on the fact that she was literally sitting with a mobster’s son. “Does he…kill people?” _Do you kill people? Mobster sons do that, don’t they?_

“You’re starting to look worried.”

How could he read her so well? Blue didn’t have that skill when it came to him. “Just wondering.”

Softly taking her hand in his and scooting closer while setting their hands in his lap, Joseph whispered in her ear “Your fear is showing, Blue.”

Ignoring her fluttering heart at their proximity because it should be focusing on the more important thing of, hello, mobster’s son, Blue said stiffly “I’m not scared.”

“Good,” he continued in that sensual tone of his, nose just barely skimming her ear. “You shouldn’t be. I’d kill someone who bothered you before killing you.”

“You’re not funny,” Blue snapped, yanking her hand out of his and finding herself face to face with him. She may have sat in his lap before but their faces had never been this close, leaving less than an inch between their noses.

Dear God, he was something. Even with exhaustion written all over him. _Why are you always so tired?_

“You shouldn’t be scared. Just because he’s the head of a mob doesn’t mean I am.”

Wow. The leader. That had to be a big important deal. “I’m not scared.”

“Good,” he nodded. “You have no reason to be. At least, of me. You should be of him. Well, really, just mobsters in general. Gangsters. They be dangerous bastards.”

What she wanted to ask was if he was afraid of his own gangster father but Blue had a feeling that that would be one of those questions that would actually get him mad. That was too deep, too involved in his life. They may have never drawn lines for each other but she knew that there were some invisible ones anyways.

His father was probably one of those lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Actually, shouldn’t even be remotely approached. The man had to be or else why would Joseph come here with just his mother? Something had to be there that Blue would probably never be allowed to know. Truthfully, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to find out. For all she knew, it was something horrible that she was better off not ever knowing.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

Joseph fell into silence but his stare was intense and, well, beautiful. She could get lost in the dark depths of his sparkling brown eyes. They weren’t shining now but when they did those rare occasions, they were stunning. As she studied his eyes, she watched them slowly work their way down, coming to a halt at her lips.

What would it be like for him to kiss her?

Kiss.

Oh no.

She still didn’t believe she had somehow discovered her true love in this boy, especially this Aglionby one at that but she did like him. Kind of a lot. That was bad. Maybe he really was her true love but they just hadn’t worked their way up to it yet. Love took some time and maybe theirs was still developing.

Oh no.

_Please don’t try and kiss me. Don’t, don’t, don’t._

He was still staring at her mouth, his pupils just slightly large. But maybe that was the weed? There was a faint smell of it clinging to him so maybe?

Or maybe he wanted to kiss her.

Clearing her throat, she turned to look back out at Aglionby and beyond before Joseph decided to try something. He’d know that she turned away on purpose because he was a perceptive jerk like that but oh well. Excuses of why would probably be made up in his brain. None of them, of course, would ever get anywhere near the actual truth.

That she could very quite possibly kill him.

“My family is full of psychics,” Blue blurted, trying to not only track his mind away from the possible kiss but to also not feel that pressure anymore. She was kind of the freak around her classmates and she had always wondered when he’d hear about it. Maybe it was better if she told him herself.

“Psychics, huh? That’s interesting.”

His voice sounded…like he almost didn’t believe her. Or was thinking about something. Joseph probably thought that she was the biggest weirdo ever now. Family of psychics? Ha, yeah, okay.

“Yup,” Blue nodded, looking everywhere but him. She wasn’t embarrassed of her family and their skills but it was times like these that she just wished she were slightly more normal.

Shifting closer to her, Joseph asked “Are you one?”

Would he think of her as a freak if she said yes? She wasn’t but what if she had been? “Nope. No powers on my end. I’m the only one out of everyone.” It wasn’t entirely true because apparently she could make things louder for psychics. Should she tell him that? Maybe he’d think it was cool. “I kind of have a power, actually.”

“Oh yeah?”

The sound of interest…was it just her wishful imagination? “Yeah, I make it louder for psychics. Like I can make it easier for them to see and hear stuff.”

“Really?”

No way she imagined that little peak of excitement. Did he actually believe her? Think it was cool? “Yup. I don’t do it a lot though. Makes me tired. It kind of drains me in a way if that makes any sense.”

Silence came and Blue thought that she had completely blown it before Joseph whispered in deep thought “Makes way more sense than you can even imagine.”

That managed to finally get her to look at him. His words were coming out like he had any sort of understanding. But how could he? It wasn’t like he was a psychic and she was still skeptical on whether he believed her or not. At least about her family; Joseph seemed more or less convinced about her. “Yeah?”

Nodding while still lost in thought as he bit his lip, Joseph sat in silence, his mind somewhere else completely. At least he wasn’t thinking about the kiss anymore. After minutes of thinking, his gaze flicked up to her, his mouth opening to say something. He must have thought better of it or discovered his own answer because instead of speaking, Joseph closed his mouth and nodded again.

“You think I’m a freak, don’t you.”

Joseph’s head flew up in surprise, his eyes wide. “Not at all. Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

“Yeah, okay,” she muttered, turning back to their view. The day was growing older, the sleepy town of Henrietta waking up. It was already afternoon but not many people got up before twelve on a Sunday. It was probably best if she headed home soon.

Squeaking in surprise when she was suddenly hugged tight, Blue turned her head and glared at a smiling Joseph. The sparkles were back in his eyes. “Excuse you.”

Grinning wide, he set his chin on her shoulder and winked. “I think it’s cool as fuck that you’re a psychic amplifier. Sexy as fuck, Blue.”

Blue looked away as her face burned. Sexy as fuck. Wow. “Um…thanks.”

“Aw,” he laughed, squeezing tighter. “Don’t get all shy on me now just ‘cuz a compliment.”

Yanking her arms out from his grasp, Blue tried pushing him off to his laughter. “Uh, you’re so-”

“Annoying! I know!”

Maybe she couldn’t push him because, apparently, even though he was a freaking toothpick, he was strong. Blue decided to settle for something better.

Grabbing his hat and glasses, she dropped them off the edge of the building to sound of his surprised shout. They both watched as gravity took its victims, hat and glasses landing down on the cement. The glasses would definitely suffer more than the hat but not her problem. Jersey over here was rich.

Mouth agape, Joseph stared down at his stuff, bedhead now apparent with the removal of its cover. She wondered if he had even brushed it today. What would it be like to run her fingers through? Maybe fix it for him? _You’re getting stupider by the second._

“Damn, Blue…” Turning to her with annoyance flickering on his face, Joseph pointed down. “That hat is a fucking limited edition! You can’t just throw it around! Off a fucking building!”

That was news to her. He actually sounded upset too. “Sorry…?”

Annoyance was still evident in his eyes but he settled for a sigh instead of angry words. “’S’okay. Just…limited edition, yeah? Not again, please.”

When shame actually washed over her, Blue couldn’t believe it. How did this raven boy make her feel ashamed? What even? Why should she feel bad just for a hat that he could probably buy fifty of? It was limited edition, sure, but still. “Sorry.”

Rolling his eyes, he dragged her into yet another hug. The whole reason they had ended up in this mess in the first place. “Don’t apologize. It’s whatever. Just-”

“Limited edition, got it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	31. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you've lost track of time, we're in Feb 2011  
> If you're looking for more Bulgarian music (I gave a few recs in the last story) then check out Geroi - Krisko ft. Pavell & Venci' Venc  
> If you're enjoying the story, hit the kudos or leave a comment
> 
> Enjoy ;) Also, chapter on Tuesday! See you then!
> 
> _“Ha! Ha! Manipulation you have not failed me yet, my dear friend!”_

“New glasses?” Jordan asked curiously as they sat at a bench on the green. No matter how hard Joseph tried to keep distance between himself and Mr. Lacrosse, it just wasn’t possible. The bastard was like a hound dog; he sniffed out Joseph no matter where he was.

So Joseph just stopped bothering to hide. It was doing him no good anyways.

“Other ones got scratched,” he murmured in reply as he finished up his math homework for next class. The glasses had suffered from Blue’s homicide attempt yesterday. Poor things had to be retired.

He was still stuck on her saying that she came from a family of psychics. Could that be true? He didn’t think she was lying to him but he was more wondering if they were actually psychics or not. Was that sort of stuff actually true? It was sort of like blasphemy to his religion but…he wasn’t exactly religious…he had practically denounced God to be a complete fake not too long ago… And what about her being an amplifier?

Very interesting.

“These are nice too. Hey, so, you good with math, right?”

Stupid question to ask while Joseph was literally doing his math homework. “Yeah, why.”

“I need some help with my homework. Will you help me out?”

 _Liam, get here already, man._ “You’re higher than me in math.” _By literally three fucking years._ “Doubt I can be much of help.”

Jordan looked like he was trying to think of some way to get Joseph to help him. “Well, yeah…but you’re smarter than me. I’m sure if you look over my notes, you’ll be able to figure something out. Please?”

Great. Not only was he stroking Joseph’s ego, he was begging. Goddammit. “Let me fucking see.”

A huge smile broke on the older boy’s face as he quickly opened his bag like he was worried that Joseph would change his mind in a second. Not that the notion was entirely wrong. He just might. “Shit,” Jordan muttered as he dug through his bag, “Think I left it in my room. Come with me to get it?”

Ha. As fucking if. “No.” Pulling out his phone as it vibrated with a text, Joseph groaned silently in his stupid brain. Somehow without knowing it, Liam was helping out his asshole lacrosse buddy.

_Suspended for the rest of the day, come hang_

Jackass across from him must have gotten the same text because he zipped up his bag with a small smile growing on his face. Depending which staircase they took in the dorm building where both Jordan and Liam stayed, Jordan’s room came first. Something told him that Jordan would make sure they took the specific staircase he needed to get them to stop at his room first.

Resigned to his stupid fate, Joseph shoved his crap in his bag before getting up and slinging it over his shoulder. “Let’s get your fucking crap before we go.”

The smile on Jordan’s face somehow got even bigger.

When they reached buff boy’s room, Jordan dragged Joseph in with him and shut the door. “Should be on my desk. Hold up.”

Letting out a sigh, Joseph leaned on the wall and watched as Jordan moved around the mess on his desk. He’d never paid attention to the room before but he was surprised when he noticed that there was only one bed. “No roommate?”

He flicked a quick glance to Joseph before going back to searching. “My mom paid extra so I don’t gotta share. She didn’t want no one bugging me.”

“Huh.”

“Found it,” the other boy said as he shoved the folder in his hand into his bag. Coming over to Joseph, he crowded close making Joseph’s stomach bubble in worry. For some reason, he could never bring himself to move when Jordan did something. Joseph was always just…frozen. His mind couldn’t handle a boy touching him so it resorted to his worst defense mechanism in the world.

Freezing.

Softly tracing a finger along Joseph’s ear until it stopped at his piercing, Jordan whispered “It looks really good on you.”

Not even a sarcastic ‘thank you’ was able to come out of his mouth. Joseph just stood like a fucking panicked idiot as Jordan pressed him into the wall until it was back to wall, chest to chest. _Why can I never fucking move? Fight? Breathe?_

Joseph had no idea.

“Why’re you so…fucking gorgeous…” Jordan trailed as he let his hand slowly work its way down Joseph’s jaw. It only stopped once it was carefully cupping his neck, Jordan’s thumb running along his throat. “What’s this from?”

Still lost in his head, Joseph had no fucking idea what this idiot was talking about until he really registered where and how the thumb was rubbing.

Damyan.

_“Now if you move, we might cut something important. So?”_

_“Don’t move,” Joseph whispered through his shaky breaths as the knife pressed a thousand times harder._

When Joseph didn’t answer, Jordan shrugged and pressed in closer. The answer was apparently not at all pressing. Joseph cursed both Liam and Aglionby for getting him into this situation. Why did lunch have to be so fucking long?

Leaving little space between their mouths, Jordan breathed “So fucking gorgeous. And delicious.”

As many times as this had happened, Joseph still didn’t know how to prepare or react to the invasion. God, he was pathetic. He made sure to never close his eyes when Jordan kissed so his subconscious wouldn’t be stupid and get lost in it. Maybe even enjoy it.

Couldn’t have that happening.

Jordan let out a huff of frustration when his tongue prodding got him nowhere. Resting his forehead on Joseph’s, he asked “Would it kill you to just see if you’d like it? Plus, guarantee you, I can go down on you way better than that redhead from the party. It takes a guy to know what a guy likes.”

He hated how a tiny ball of arousal bloomed deep down. It was from the combined efforts of his memory and his desires. Joseph’s limited experience with oral sex had been beyond amazing and if that was just from a girl…

It must be fucking bomb from a guy.

Not that Joseph was willing to test out that theory. Even if it was someone besides Jordan offering, Joseph would never give in to the temptation. He couldn’t. “While I’m sure tons of guys enjoy your dick sucking efforts, I’m not going to be one of them.”

“I’m not a fucking whore, ass,” Jordan snapped, barely restraining himself from probably shoving Joseph harder into the wall. He wasn’t going to show up at Joseph’s house with another book apology, was he? Jesus, Joseph hoped not. “I’ve only been with three dudes. I want you to be my fourth.”

Three. To Joseph who had only gotten to enjoy his almost year with Emilio, that was a huge number. A slight tinge of jealousy burned in the pit of his stomach. Life was so un-fucking-fair. “Don’t want to be your fourth, bitch.”

Another flare up of anger was what Joseph had been expecting but instead, Jordan just smirked. “Baby, I think you do. You deny just a little too hard, yeah? Maybe you been thinking about trying dude but too afraid to fall off that straight path. Maybe you even been thinking about trying me? I think you have.”

Sitting in the back of his throat was a laugh that he wouldn’t allow to come out. Joseph had never been on the straight path, still wasn’t even though he was trying so hard. He really needed to fuck a girl already; that would be a defining moment in his straight career. Blue seemed to like him a lot more now so maybe he was on his way. Although, she had turned away from the then upcoming kiss…

Maybe he needed to think about that one.

Turning his focus to where it should be, Joseph snorted “Sweets, you’re the last person in my sexual fantasies. If I was gonna spend my days jerking to guys, I’d take a whole lot of other ones before ever picking you.”

“I guarantee that’ll change,” Jordan shrugged. He wasn’t worried by this development if his cocky stupid face was anything to go by. “Now since we’re talking about hand action, lemme tell you, baby, I jerk to your sexy face and voice all the time.” He pointed to his bed, “Right there. And if these stupid dorms had private showers, I’d be jerking in there too. Easier clean up, you know?”

How did one stop themselves from throwing up?

Simple.

They didn’t.

Hunched over on the floor and coughing out everything in his puny stomach that cows would laugh at, Joseph tried to turn off his brain. It was blaring with thousands of sirens, ready to throw him into the deep end of the panic game. The loudest sirens even had flashing lights.

_WRONG._

_DISGUSTING._

_FAGGOT._

Those were his own words. Words that he was used to hearing all the time. Repeating all the time. What had knocked him down was when the panic game decided to induce memories that always made Joseph sick. Cry. Hurt.

Ivo’s words.

_“YOU SICK DISGUSTING BASTARD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!”_

_“What the fuck do you think I want with a fag? The fuck are you even worth?”_

_“You’re fucking pathetic, fag.”_

_“Because I’m going to beat the faggot out of you.”_

_“I refuse. No son of mine is a cocksucker.”_

_“No son of mine.”_

And then the gun shot.

Loud, brash, and echoing.

Guilt flooded in and broke all his barriers that he used during the day to keep out the world. Flood gates officially shattered, Joseph hunched over his pile of vomit, barely supporting himself up with his arms as he sobbed. It didn’t matter how much he hated Ivo, the guilt would never go away.

He had killed his father. And despite Joseph being the one who was wronged, he wanted to beg for forgiveness. But murderers didn’t get forgiveness. They didn’t deserve it.

Joseph was so out of it that he didn’t even react to the hand rubbing his back, up and down, down and up, almost as soft as his mother when she was trying to soothe him. His tiny ‘Jordan siren’ in the back of his brain was wailing loudly, telling him to get the other boy’s hand off him but it was being drowned out by the rest of his head. The parts that screamed _murderer_ and _fag_ and every other word Joseph knew applied to his revolting being.

They were louder than anything else.

Eventually the hand carefully cupped Joseph’s shoulder and pulled him up to rest against the wall. Through his blurry tear-filled eyes, Joseph took in Jordan’s worried face. Explaining this mess was not going to be easy. What was he supposed to say anyways? Sorry I threw up on your floor because the thought of being sexually appealing to a man triggered the hell out of me? Sorry that the thought of being gay makes me sick? Sorry that my dad attempted to beat the faggot out of me and it causes panic induced memories?

None of that sounded like a solid plan.

“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay because, very obviously, you aren’t,” Jordan began, “But…are you a little better?”

Wiping his eyes with shaky hands, Joseph replied “I’m fine. Never been better actually.”

“Uhuh.”

“Really.”

Jordan nodded slowly, ignoring the pile of puke beside them, before yanking off his shirt and handing it to Joseph. When Joseph raised a brow in question, he explained “I don’t have tissues.”

With a snort of amusement despite himself, Joseph took the offered shirt and made sure to get all the boogers possible in it before using a clean corner and wiping his face. Dropping it in Jordan’s lap, he repeated “I’m fine.”

“And again, uhuh.”

Taking a deep breath, Joseph said “Liam’s probably wondering if we died.”

“Liam’s the least of my concerns right now. Are you sick? Do you wanna see the nurse?”

No, no he didn’t. All the nurse would realize, if she were actually smart and not one of those who just thought a smile fixed everything, was that Joseph was battling depression. No news there. She’d refer him to a doctor and they’d try to get him back on his pills.

Yeah, not something he wanted.

“Just…stomach’s not agreeing with me.”

From the corner of his eye, Joseph could see Jordan once more nodding slowly. “And the breakdown?”

“Brain’s not agreeing with me.”

“Of course.”

Rubbing his eyes as he tipped his head up on the wall to stare at the ceiling, Joseph blinked up and sighed. Even ceiling staring was painful; it was a habit both he and Ivo had done so often that sometimes they had joined forces and done it together.

Fuck.

Silence overtook the air, each of them lost in their heads. Well, Jordan probably was. Joseph was just trying to keep his empty and stay the hell out of it. Lunch had to be ending soon and Liam definitely thought they died but they stayed put. The quiet was what Joseph needed right now, not school or Liam.

After some time, Jordan shifted a bit, copying the way Joseph was sitting and staring. “My older brother has problems with depression too. He started this therapy program though like six months ago. It’s been working really well. He takes antidepressants but also does therapy.”

_“…counseling is for anyone and everyone who needs it.”_

_“Counseling is for everyone, Joseph.”_

Great, now his brain was making him listen to Emilio and tetíncho Yulian. Talk about a day of memories.

“The therapy is good because he talks about his day. It doesn’t even have to be about what’s bothering him, just chatting. Unloading, you know? They even helped him set up this schedule where they help him plan his hours. So like every day at seven, before work, he goes out for a run. Exercise really helps.”

“Who says I’m depressed,” Joseph whispered. A damn flower could tell that he was depressed but he hated how Jordan knew what the problem was.

Part of the problem but same shit.

“Maybe if I didn’t have personal experience with my brother, I wouldn’t have been able to tell. But I do so I can.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that from him. Couple days later he tried to kill himself with a bottle of pills.”

Joseph wasn’t sure if he had reached that particular point yet but he wasn’t going to lie and say that ending it hadn’t occurred to him. The two main reasons he was even still alive were his mother and Peanut. He knew that a person was supposed to live for themselves but Joseph wasn’t worth living for. The wonderful ladies in his life were so that’s where he set his focus.

“I’m fine.”

A skeptical snort erupted from Jordan but other than that, the lacrosse player dropped the topic. “We should go check in with Liam before classes. Our boy probably thinks were ditching him, not showing up or answering his texts.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	32. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Poof! Tuesday chapter! It's not going to be an every week thing but I'm going to try and do it again every once in a while. Every other week maybe  
> We're setting the stage for Thursday! Thursday's chpt is cool. Shit happens ;)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"You’re just as shallow and worthless as every other bitch in this fucking hill billy town.”_

Fuck his life.

“Fuck my life.”

“You’re such a complainer,” Diana snorted as she stood over him, her hair dangling down over him. “I don’t even know why you are complaining. But you complain too much.”

Joseph was complaining because he needed to. Because he felt like it. Because waking up with Diana in your face was fucking terrifying. “Bitch.”

Arching her blood red brow, Diana said without a care “So?”

Why did insults never affect the freak? “What do you want? To tell me some more how stupid I am?”

“Nope,” she said, taking a seat beside him patting him like that was soothing or something. Only in her delusional freak head maybe. “Just to watch you fail again.”

Wow, way to rub it in. Maybe the Evos he continually pulled out of his head weren’t perfect but at least Joseph was able to see progress now. Every time he awoke with another, there was one less flaw. That didn’t mean much being that there were tons of flaws but still.

Progress.

He didn’t understand why he couldn’t pull out a car when he had pulled out two people. How was an inanimate object harder than a human being? Joseph’s head wasn’t healthy like it had been before but still. What the flying fucks?

Sighing, he sat up and glanced at Diana. “So…”

“No.”

“You don’t know what I was going to say.”

Rolling her eyes, Diana replied “I always know, silly boy.”

“Fine,” Joseph muttered. The invasion of his private thoughts sucked. Where was privacy in this place?

“There isn’t any.”

“Will you stop,” he griped as he stood, making his way over to the Evo waiting for his failure. “I don’t see why you can’t just tell me if you’ve met my prádyádo. How hard is that to answer?”

“Take out your failure and go, Joseph.”

Waking while sitting in his failure, Joseph wondered why, when it came to talking about dreaming, she referred to him by name. She never did for anything else. What was up with that? All he wanted to know was if she had met his great grandfather. Actually, Joseph wanted to know a lot of things but that was what was center stage in his head right now. It seemed pretty important to him.

Getting out of the failed car, Joseph decided to give up for the day. Three failures in a row gave him a massive headache and he wasn’t in the mood anymore. There was something he was missing. “Maybe I need more drugs,” he snorted while trudging to his actually functional car.

Deciding that he needed something to brighten his shitty mood and maybe distract him from his headache, Joseph drove in the direction of Blue’s house. He’d never gone down her street or even seen her house because she preferred he didn’t, but Joseph generally got lucky at finding her around there. At first, he had thought that she was embarrassed by where she came from and where he came from. Class differences or whatever.

Turns out, she just didn’t want the fifty thousand people in her home knowing about him. He kind of understood why; Joseph wasn’t exactly the prime specimen that someone would want their daughter hanging out with. But it would become a problem if they were ever to become a thing. Once was more than enough for him and secret relationships.

As he drove with eyes wide open, Joseph’s mind went back to their almost kiss a few days ago. She had definitely known what he had wanted to do. Her reaction had been to turn away and change the subject. Had she just not been ready or she didn’t want to kiss him at all? Joseph was sure that she liked him; her frequent blushes were enough proof. So…maybe she just hadn’t been ready then?

That was probably it. What else could there be? He was one hell of a charmer.

Reaching her street and lowering his music, he decided to try something new. Parking and making sure his car was locked up, Joseph made his way down the street, glancing at all the houses he passed. Hers was blue… Coming to a halt in front of one, Joseph felt like it wasn’t it. He didn’t know why he felt it but he did which meant that there were multiple blues on this street.

He kept walking.

Down the street, he saw another. Or…another two? The house was weird from this angle so maybe it was just the view but it sure seemed as though it was two houses put together. That couldn’t be, could it? As he walked closer, he took in how nice the lawn and beautiful tree were. For some reason, they brought him peace. Looking towards the back, he could see the tall branches of another tree coming from the backyard. Blue had mentioned that she liked to sit in her tree…

That had to be it.

Joseph didn’t bother going any farther than the tree on the lawn. He hadn’t planned on using the front door anyways. Plus, the whole thing of her not wanting him to be seen would be compromised. Psychics, if they really were, may be able to tell the future and shit but it didn’t mean they could see or sense everything before coming into contact with it. Joseph preferred they had no contact with his freak being. If they really were clairvoyants…what if they could tell whatever the fuck he was? Or worse, what he’d done?

Jumping the gate to the back easily – _thank you, height_ – Joseph walked carefully and quietly around the corner, making sure no one was out. Thankfully, no one was so he walked farther in and turned to look at the house. Blue loved her tree so she probably had her room facing it. Meaning one of these windows were hers. His eyes rested on one that was slightly ajar on the second floor.

Risk and reward.

 _Please be the right window._ Sparing a glance to the tree, he wondered if he would be able to see in. Not to be all creepy but to see if he could tell if it was her room.

Risk and reward was a bitch.

But here he went.

The tree was actually easy to work his way up. It was like it had grown for people to climb and sit in it. His backyard had trees but they were nothing special like this one. Why didn’t he have one like this? It literally radiated waves saying that it was special. He could feel it.

Once he reached an optimum height, he put his focus on the window he had picked. Joseph couldn’t see much but the slight flutter of green curtains was enough evidence for him. Blue, ironically, seemed to like green. Had to be her room.

Identify her room? Check.

Now he just had to come back later to check off another task.

 

* * *

 

At first, Blue thought that some bird was pecking around the house or something. A mouse scuttling around? They didn’t have a mouse problem but maybe outside? Henrietta was rural enough to have mice just minding their own business. But the more she listened to the weird sound as she read over her homework for English, she realized that it couldn’t be an animal. The noise was coming at regular intervals and sounded like-

_Tap!_

With a glance to her window, she waited for the noise to come again.

_Tap!_

Something was hitting her window. What could be hitting her window?

Bouncing out of bed, she closed the tiny distance between her and the window. Blue unhooked the locks and slid it open before sticking her head out.

Ending with her getting hit in the face.

“Shit, sorry. Bad timing.”

_Oh God, he wouldn’t, would he?_

The idiot totally would.

“What are you doing here?” Blue wanted to shout. Of course, she settled for an anger whisper instead. She didn’t need any of the local clairvoyants hearing her. Or seeing him. Or worse, sensing him. God, could they do that? They couldn’t…

“I wanted to see you,” Joseph said in a quiet voice, probably guessing that he wasn’t supposed to be seen. Or heard. Maybe even sensed if he believed about them being psychics. “I need a highlight in this crap day. Blue, you are my highlight.”

God, he was going to end up being some trouble. Actually, he was already trouble. He was a boy, she was girl. Boys liked to kiss girls. Not only was he a boy, he was completely Aglionby. “I can’t go out now. It’s too late.” This boy was just plain insane. Go out now? With him? In front of everyone? Orla would never let her live it down. It was bad enough she still teased her about going to the party. Everything would be a thousand times worse if her cousin knew that Blue was hanging out with thee Kavinsky.

This boy was completely nuts for showing up here.

In-sane.

And trouble. She needed to remember to remind herself of that.

Even from here, she could see his sparkling smile. “Duh, it’s called sneaking out. C’mon, it’ll be fun. Also, make your choice fast before my ass gets caught by fifty thousand psychic women.”

“Joseph-”

“C’mon,” he practically whined. _Whined._ Dear God, help her against this boy. Or dear spiritual whoever. Didn’t matter. “Be my highlight. Promise it’ll be fun.”

Times with him were usually fun… _Am I seriously considering this?_

“Look,” Joseph sighed, sounded so incredibly sad that it literally made her just want to blurt out ‘coming!’ in feverish excitement to make him feel better. “I’d really like it if you came. But I understand if you don’t wanna. I parked up the street. I’ll wait ten minutes; you come or you don’t it’s okay but I’d really like you to hang out with me.”

Watching as he walked off with a sad wave, Blue cursed her stupid soft heart. She shut her window before grabbing her coat from her closet and shrugging it on. Just his voice alone made her feel terrible. Like she was a monster for denying his wants. His needs.

Trouble, here she came.

  

* * *

 

“Huh,” Joseph muttered under his breath as he checked the time on the clock in the car again, “Totally thought the whine would get to her.”

It wasn’t that Joseph didn’t know what he had been doing, he had known exactly what he had been doing as he manipulated her with both words and tone. It was just that he preferred to ignore. No one ever said Kavinsky wasn’t a piece of crap. He generally wasn’t to Blue but when something or someone was wanted, there were certain things that just had to be gone about and done.

Like manipulation.

Sighing as the clock changed to make it ten minutes, Joseph buckled his seatbelt and was about to take the car out of park before his eye caught on a figure in the mirror. He could feel a huge shit eating grin grow on his face as he watched Blue get closer. “Ha! Ha! Manipulation you have not failed me yet, my dear friend!”

When Blue reached the passenger door, he unlocked the car and smiled sweetly to her as she sat down. The first thing she did was buckle her seatbelt with a deep breath before finally looking over to him. “This better be fun.”

Laughing, Joseph replied “I don’t even know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I just knew I wanted to be with you. Instincts, Blue.”

A slightly rosiness came upon her face. “And your instincts said hang out with me?”

“My instincts said do something or be with someone to put a smile in your crappy day. You happen to be the someone.”

“Oh. Well, what do you want to do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Blue rolled her eyes but nonetheless, she took the time to think while biting her thumbnail. “How about… How about just like…enjoying nature? Something like sitting on the roof?”

It was an idea… Looking out the window, he gave a quick glance to the darkened sky. “Do you like stars?”

“I love them.”

Smile growing on his face as he continued to stare up at the sky, Joseph said in delight “So do I.”

He drove them out to the fairgrounds thinking that it was the perfect place. The city lights barely reached at all providing the perfect place for stargazing. It was not only dark enough but also there wasn’t the obstruction of buildings or trees.

Perfect.

They got out of the car, Joseph popping the trunk and going over while Blue followed. His trunk was, surprisingly, clean. A far cry from his room nowadays that got him frequently grumbled at by his mother. The only things inside were his skateboard, a small toolbox, a tire iron, a container containing weed covered with a sheet, and an extra pair of shoes. He couldn’t even remember why those sneakers were even there but whatever. What he had come for was his sweatshirt that he kept forgetting to take down so it could get washed.

He handed it to Blue, her brow raising in question. “For you to sit on,” he explained. Or lie down. Whatever floated her boat. “Thought maybe you don’t wanna get all dirty and shit.”

Taking it with a shrug, Blue waited as he shut the trunk then they walked over to a nice patch to take their seats. Setting herself on his sweatshirt, Blue murmured “Thanks.”

“My pleasure, my lady.”

Snorting, Blue tilted her head back and stared up at the sky. She seemed mesmerized, taken by their shining beauty. It was almost like she saw more than just stars. Her eyes went deeper, her heart felt them stronger.

It made her even more beautiful in his eyes.

Leaning back on his hands, he also looked up. Stars weren’t exactly his thing; he wasn’t Linda to be able to name every single freaking constellation. But, probably like everyone, he did think they were stunning to look at. Something so far away and yet strong enough to shine brightly back at earth.

Talk about power.

“Do you dream about stars?” she suddenly whispered in the dead quiet of the night.

Pft, lord did he wish his dreams were peaceful enough to be about stars. Joseph couldn’t even remember the last time he had had a dream that was beautiful just for the beauty. One that served no purpose or had no goal in sight. Or one that didn’t try to kill him either. God, did he wish he could feel the wonder of dreams again.

Joseph just wished that he was normal. Fuck dream powers.

“I don’t dream,” he answered honestly. Because he didn’t. What happened in his sleep wasn’t dreams. “But I wish I did. I bet a dream of stars is beautiful. Calming. Not even literal stars but just…the beauty of dreams. Of having dreams. Potential. A reason for living. A value for existing.”

The conversation wasn’t supposed to go as deep as he had taken it but…there was no stopping it. Because it was all true. Joseph didn’t have dreams in the sleep sense and he rarely had them in the figurative sense nowadays. The future wasn’t something he looked forward to; it wasn’t something he sought. He lived day to day with goals set every hour. Eat something. Finish his homework. Clean Peanut’s litter box. Make his mother smile.

Remember that there were still two reasons that he needed to stay alive for.

Every day had the same end goal:

Stay alive for mayko and Peanut.

And every day that he did, Joseph put a checkmark on his wall. On the blue wall of his room, at the very top, he had very carefully written his mother’s name. Vesela Dobrev Kavinsky. And underlined it multiple times. For every day that he lived for her, a checkmark was done under those lines. On the purple wall where Peanut had done her print, he did the same. If he needed a reminder on a horrible day why he even bothered living anymore, it was all over his walls. Checkmark after checkmark.

When his mother had first noticed her name on his wall and all the checkmarks, she had been confused and asked what it was about. Joseph knew that there was no way that he could tell her the truth. All he’d do was cause her to panic and worry. Instead, he settled for the lie of it being his way to always remember to pray for her. Because she was the most important person in the world to him.

Because of that, she deserved all the prayers in the world.

Once this lie had been told, Joseph asked himself why it had to be a lie. She really was the most important person and she really did deserve all the prayers.

So he started making sure to pray for her as often as he remembered. Joseph hadn’t stepped foot in a church since Jersey – he doubted there was an Eastern Orthodox one here anyways – but he hoped that because the prayers were for her and not him, God would be nice enough to listen.

Hopefully.

“You don’t think you have a reason for living?”

The quiet whisper broke his thoughts as he tore his gaze away from the dazzling sky to look at Blue’s carefully schooled face. Besides for when she was anger or embarrassed, Blue was pretty good at not showing what she was thinking or feeling.

“I think I have very little reason.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	33. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> This is one of my favsssss  
> Enjoy! Too bad this is the end of Sarvinsky, huh?
> 
> _“I can think of better ways to make you happy.”_

How did someone think that? Blue knew that there were people who thought like that, sure, but she had never met someone who thought that there wasn’t a reason to live. And he said it so seriously too. Like he actually meant it. She hoped he didn’t or else that was worrying. All she had wanted was to explain to him about her dreams. Her thoughts encased in the stars. Blue hadn’t meant for it to turn so…morbid.

Sighing quietly to herself, she pulled her coat closer around her body. The night was turning chilly which was probably a sign for her to get home but the peace was so nice. Neither of them had bothered with conversation after that, instead finding solace in the quiet night and the stars.

When she yawned for what felt like the twentieth time in a row, Blue knew it was time to get going. She was exhausted even though she had stayed up longer before. Maybe it was the combination of homework and…homework. It was a powerful force to be reckoned with.

“Do you want to go?”

Heart nearly shattering her entire ribcage from the force of eruption, Blue turned in surprise to find Joseph practically glued to her. When had he gotten so close? How had she not noticed? He was blinking at her with his head tilted to the side, waiting for her to reply. Once again, they were caught in a situation where they were so close that they almost shared the same air.

Even after all this time, it was hard trying to figure out why she enjoyed being with him. She knew part of it was because of that pike of jealousy still in her every time some girl talked to him but the rest she had no idea. Why did she like him? He was Aglionby; a raven boy.

And yet when she looked into his eyes, she saw something else entirely.

_“I think I have very little reason.”_

Fifteen. He wasn’t very old. Wasn’t old at all actually. There hadn’t been enough years in his life for him to find no reason at all to live. Or little reason. Behind the layers of exhaustion on his face, behind the faces he put on for people…in his eyes, Blue thought she saw the boy he must be. Just barely though, because above that were mounds of grief. Sadness. Pain. It was all written if someone bothered to look.

Blue didn’t like seeing the pain and grief she found. It went down every now and then when she made him smile but…it never lasted. As stupid and as un-sensible as it sounded, Blue wanted to make it last longer. Make him smile more.

“Blue? Did you want to go?”

Most of the time, he was so sweet. Nice. A stupid gentleman. Despite his exhausted face and maybe too thin body, he was handsome. Nothing that she could find about him physically was really offputting from his long nose to his thick brows all the way to his lips.

Full lovely looking lips…

She hadn’t been paying attention.

At all.

Because if she had, Blue would have realized that she was staring at his mouth. Probably with a lot of intent that could be interpreted a certain way too.

Joseph interpreted.

Her mistake hadn’t been realized until suddenly there was so little space between their mouths that she could literally inhale his weed filled breath. She was breathing _his breath._ He was almost wrapped around her; when had she ended up between his legs? When had his hand cupped her cheek? Did he really want to kiss her? Eccentric weirdo Blue was desirable to a raven boy?

Thankfully, Blue’s brain woke up with these last thoughts. The last thing in the world that could happen was him kissing her. Sirens beginning to blare in her brain, Blue did the only thing she could think of in her panic in the last split second before his lips touched hers.

She shoved him.

Okay, maybe it didn’t sound that cool or awesome but no one ever said thinking during a panic was easy. Or that it created brilliant ideas. But the shoving served its purpose. Joseph was so caught off guard that he fell back easily with a ‘oof’ of air escaping him.

With a look of confusion and a tinge of hurt, he stared at her where he remained laying on the floor, propped on his forearms. “What the hell?”

_I don’t kiss. I could have killed you. I like you too much._

_You’re more trouble than it’s worth._

Pushing a piece of loose hair back with a shaking hand, Blue shrugged like she had no idea what he was talking about. “What?”

Annoyance flashed in his eyes as he sat up. “Seriously? You have the fucking nerve to say what? You just fucking shoved me to the fucking floor.”

Through the months, she had noticed how when he got angry, his sentences filled with a lot more language.

He must be getting angry.

Keeping her cool, Blue replied “You can’t just assume a girl wants to kiss you, pervert. As if I’d want to kiss you.”

Blue knew the words were harsh. She knew they were lies; he wasn’t a pervert or taking advantage of her. Her heart had wanted to kiss him and she knew it had been written on her face. But her brain was smarter and remembered that no kissing could ever happen. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to see how he tasted or to know if his lips were as soft as they looked. Or that she was just curious about kisses.

It didn’t matter.

Since it didn’t matter, since the universe didn’t care what she wanted, Blue had to make a choice. No matter how much she was going to disagree with it or how much she might end up hurting him, he was too much trouble. Too much temptation.

Despite the fun they’d had, the times she actually enjoyed with him, this had to end. And the only way she could think of making it happen was to be mean. Because as experience had shown, he didn’t take kindly to that.

This time was no different.

Joseph’s eyes flared with a nasty flame that actually made Blue want to scoot away from him. She had always wondered how his anger was. Now she was going to find out. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

Even his voice was cruel, emotionless and yet biting. Such a far cry from the sultry sweetness he had whispered in her ear before. “I don’t want to kiss you and typical raven boy, you don’t care. You just do what you want.”

Not even just a flame was alive in his eyes now – an entire explosion was waiting to burst forth. His jaw was grinding back and forth as he ground out “Listen here, you fucking bitch-”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want!” he snapped harshly. It was like he was restraining himself from getting closer to her. Like he was afraid he’d do something to her. “How dare you! When have I _ever_ treated you as anything less than a fucking human being? When have a I ever forced you to do anything! I’ve treated you like you’re a God fucking princess and you have the fucking nerve to accuse me?”

Princess was a little extra but he had always been good to her, he wasn’t wrong. But that didn’t mean anything in this context because she had to end this…thing they had, whatever it was. It was too dangerous as only five minutes ago had proved.

“You have the fucking nerve to say that I was trying to take advantage of you?” Joseph continued, his face, for the first time, taking on an ugly look with his anger. “After everything? I fucking like you, Blue. And even if I didn’t, I’d never take advantage of someone. Sexually assault them. Rape them. Is that what you think of me? Is that how low you see me?”

No, it wasn’t. Not even close. But this still had to end.

So Blue stayed silent.

Through the fiery rage, hurt flashed briefly when she continued to say nothing. Shaking his head and looking everywhere but her, Joseph laughed with such hate. Blue never knew a laugh could take that kind of tone. Laughs were supposed to be joyful. Happy. Joseph’s was the complete opposite.

“Okay,” he nodded, once again glaring at her. “Fine. Think whatever bullshit you like. I’m the fucking idiot who thought better of you. You’re just as shallow and worthless as every other bitch in this fucking hill billy town.”

“Excuse you?”

Standing before dusting off grass from himself, he started to repeat “You’re just as shallow-”

Now it was her turn to be angry. Getting to her feet, she snapped “Did you ever think that maybe there’s something wrong with you? That you’re the problem for every single person you meet?”

It must have been a lower hit or harder blow than she had anticipated because his eyes flew wide in shock. The shock didn’t last, however, as his lip curled in disgust. “I already know that there’s something wrong with me. But thank you for reiterating it.”

Her heart ached from how much she knew she was hurting him but this had already gone too far. It had to end now or else she’d never be able to muster the courage again. But had she done enough to make sure he’d never want something again? To make sure that he wouldn’t want to try for a third time? “Whatever, pervert, just take me home.”

Snorting, he yanked his sweatshirt off the floor before stalking off to his car, practically ripping the door open before getting in and slamming it with incredible force. Blue was slightly afraid to get in the car with him just because of that anger but…she didn’t exactly have a choice.

Walking over, she got in and buckled up, trying to ignore the heavy weight inside with them. What was bigger than an elephant? _Whale. Definitely a whale in the car._ Joseph was tapping his hand on the gearshift while the other gripped the wheel. He didn’t seem to be moving but she was too afraid to say something. It was easier to handle his explosive voice when they were outside for the air to carry it away. In here, they’d just congest the limited space in the car.

“For the record,” he finally said, more frustrated than anything else, “Don’t think you’re fooling me with your fucking bullshit.”

“I don’t know-”

He cut her off swiftly, turning to face her with his sharp eyes and pointed words. “You wanted to kiss me. It was written all over your stupid fucking face. You wanted it as much as I did. I don’t know what your fucking stupid ass problem is but don’t b.s. me. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

Glaring at him with her arms crossed both as protection and to show her irritation, Blue replied “You’re terrible at handling rejection.”

“Back to that, are we? Again, I can handle fucking rejection, bitch. If you had said you weren’t ready, maybe scared, maybe…I don’t fucking know but I would have been fine. I would have understood. I would’ve thought you pushed me because you were nervous, not ready to rush shit. But that’s not what fucking happened.”

If she had said any of that, that would have given him the impression that there was a relationship in their sights. There was definitely none of that. There _couldn’t_ be any of that. “How about maybe I just wanted to be friends?”

A nasty smirk grew on those lips that only minutes ago she had wished to know what they were like. Now she just wanted to get as far away from them as possible. “Again, don’t b.s. me. I don’t know what your fucking problem is suddenly-”

“You tried to kiss me,” she couldn’t help but interrupt helplessly. He’d never understand how it was so much more than just a kiss.

“You wanted me to!” Joseph shouted in the silence of the car while slamming the wheel causing her to jump. He caught the movement and froze for a second before taking a deep breath like he was calming himself for her sake. “Look, I don’t understand why a mutually wanted kiss is such an issue. But fine. Okay. Too fast, too soon, okay, whatever. But it’s not worth throwing away the easiness we have with each other.”

 _You’re supposed to stay mad at me, not forgive._ “I don’t want it.”

Hello and welcome back, anger. “Fuck you. Just fuck you. Here I am, trying to act like a decent fucking person despite you wronging me in a million ways in literally ten minutes and yet-” He broke off with a laugh and shake of his head.

It was amazing watching it. She knew that he was different with her, probably closer to actually who he was normally and yet it surprised her when _Kavinsky_ flickered on. Like literally. His face, despite it being his face, just…changed personalities as his lip curled into a nasty smirk and his eyes flashed with wrathful harm.

“You know what? Okay, babydoll. Whatever you like. I was wasting my time with you anyways. I’m literally superior to you in every single fucking way. But I had to try me some of that country blood, you know? Get the flavor of bumbling hick because I’ve never tried it before. Think they let you out too early though because, baby, you are a nasty one.”

The words hurt, the words burned because she knew that none of it was true. She knew that he was conjuring up lies to hurt her and yet she couldn’t protect herself from them. They dug beneath her flesh, burying themselves in deep.

“But hey, I’m sure you’ll find some equally stupid ass person to appreciate you. Don’t you worry!” he cackled as he turned on the car and turned them around to get on the road. “To each his own, yeah? I mean, I knew that you were too stupid for me but you caught me with those dick sucking lips. Guess hick boy will be the one to appreciate them. You’d probably just bite my dick off thinking you were supposed to use teeth anyways. I’m not losing out on shit. I’ll just find that sexy redhead from the party. I’m sure she’d love to give me a repeat.”

Well…there was that confirmation. Not that she wanted it right now. Or ever.

“Stop,” she whispered, the wall of tears sitting in her eyes barely staying in. She would _not_ cry because of this boy. She wouldn’t. She refused. Blue wished she could just get out here and walk the rest of the way home but it was both too dark and too far. Kavinsky and his car were needed whether she liked it or not.

“Aw, baby, learn to hear the truth! Mind you, hick boy will _not_ be a gentleman at all. They don’t raise them right around here. No manners are taught in the trailer homes where daddy beats mommy. And really, in this backwards town, you’re not going to find anything else.”

“Stop.”

“Unless of course you go down to the level of raven boys who you think you’re above. Stupid thought, mind you, being that we’re obviously better than you and everyone in this place.” Kavinsky cut himself off with a disgusting laugh that Blue absolutely hated. “Or maybe you’ll just go down on one of them, huh? Get it?”

Blue got it being that she went to a public high school filled with idiotic guys. She knew what it meant to go down on someone.

“Well do you? It’s rude not to laugh at people’s jokes, sweet cheeks.”

“Stop,” Blue whispered for the third time. She had intended to sound way stronger than that but she couldn’t manage it. His words, his attitude, just him, were hurting her and breaking down her being.

Up until they parked at the end of her street, the onslaught didn’t stop.

Even as she walked down the street to her little blue house, all Blue could hear was Kavinsky’s nasty words echoing in her head.

Nonstop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	34. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So I wasnt going to do a chpt Tuesday but I decided I will because major stuff is gonna happen and I really want reactions so yeah...  
> See y'all Tuesday  
> Also! New Snapshot! Joseph and the first SpongeBob movie  
> Enjoy
> 
> _"How good’re my chances of fucking like a bunny?”_

For the past couple of weeks, something had Joseph in a foul mood. When Vesela tried to get him to talk about it, she had been shut down in seconds with his claim that he really didn’t want to end up yelling at her. She couldn’t believe that she had to walk on tip toes around her child. Parents weren’t supposed to be afraid of setting off their kid.

And yet here she was. Far more frequently than ever. How had they come to this point?

Sighing as she walked into his room to straighten it up because the boy was getting sloppier by the day, Vesela paused to stare at the wall with her name. It was freaky as hell; check mark after check mark like he was counting something. She didn’t believe his lie of prayers, not because she didn’t think Joseph didn’t or wouldn’t pray for her but that it just didn’t make any sense. Check marks for prayers? And if it was true, no offense to Peanut and all who had her own wall, but Vesela didn’t like being equated to the cat’s level of prayers.

There was something missing in the story but Vesela couldn’t figure out whatever it was. Hopefully, that wasn’t a major problem.

With a shake of her head to refocus herself, she started to pick up the stray clothes on the floor, throwing them on his unmade bed. It was usually the best way to make him fix his stuff. Put everything in his way and he’d be forced to fix it. She wasn’t his freaking maid.

“I’m not your maid,” Vesela snorted when she heard him walk in behind her as she took out his trash bag. “Clean every now and then if you don’t mind.”

What she guessed to be his bag dropped onto the floor before she turned around to look at him. He looked exhausted, per usual, and the anger that had been there for the past weeks was present too. But beneath all that, there was a tiny spark of amusement glittering in his beautiful eyes. That was more than she had seen in a while, causing her to smile to his raised brow and crossed arms.

Her own smile caused a tiny one to form on his face as he rolled his eyes. “I clean. Occasionally.” Vesela pointed to the pile of clothes on his messy bed. “Oh-kay, like once a week. That’s not too bad.”

“It’s bad. Put what needs to be put away away and whatever goes in laundry in the laundry. Trash goes-”

“In the trash and so on. I’ll get there,” Joseph yawned as he walked over to his bed and started to go through his clothes. “So…mayko?”

Vesela hummed in response as she sat down on his table to watch him work. He was thinner than usual and that was saying something because Joseph was always thin. What could she make that would get him to eat more? She’d been making sure to make all of his favorite foods, hoping that’d help, and while it did, it hadn’t done much. Maybe if she let him eat cheesecake for every meal, he’d eat?

Unhealthy but hey, Joseph could use some unhealthy.

Focused on folding a pair of sweats, Joseph said “Um, so, this guy at school, uh…kind of like a friend but not a friend, is gonna do like movies and shit tonight. Uh, like sleepover shit…”

“And can you go and shit?” It was his favorite noun to shove in every sentence. She hated it. “That’s what you’re trying to get to?” Turning to face her and taking a seat on the edge of his bed after shoving the clothes aside, Joseph nodded. “Where’s this friend not friend live?”

“He dorms. He has a roommate but he’s staying at his girlfriend’s house for the night so…yeah.”

Nodding as she thought about this, Vesela asked “And this friend not friend is who?”

Playing with the edge of his sweats still in his hand, Joseph shrugged “Liam. He’s a senior but I’ve known him the longest here and he invited me. He asked a few months ago but I didn’t think you’d let me so I said no.”

Liam the friend not friend was having a sleepover with movies and shit in his dorm where the roommate was out. Liam the friend not friend was three grades higher than Joseph. Liam the friend not friend probably drank and watched porn. Probably smoked too. _Joseph already smokes that crap though…_

But she definitely didn’t want him drinking. Porn she could probably handle. As long as she didn’t have to catch him watching it herself… “This Liam, does he drink?”

Another shrug. “Probably but he’s never when we’re hanging out. Or when he’s gotta drive or something.”

She nodded again. That could be promising. If anything, not friend wasn’t entirely stupid. “Smoke? Break the law, is an asshole, a player…I don’t know…a piece of shit?”

With a tiny smile on his face, Joseph snorted “Full honesty, he’s the guy I got the weed from. No idea about breaking the law outside of selling weed which is as much as I’ve done. And as far as jackasses go, he’s the least.”

Friend not friend just got a bad check next to his name. But…he sounded decent enough. It was just movies. How bad or dangerous could that be? And Joseph had been having a tough time recently, maybe this would bring a little brightness to his damper. “Do you know who else may or may not be going?”

Taking a minute to think about this, Joseph finally replied “I don’t think really anyone else besides maybe this other guy who’s like his best friend. I don’t think he invited his girlfriend or anything.”

“So no girls?” One would think that girls at a sleepover wouldn’t be important because Joseph was gay but Vesela wasn’t stupid. Now, at least. He’d have sex with one just so he could say he wasn’t ‘a fag.’

_Fucking Ivo._

“Not that I’m aware of, no.”

“And this best friend?”

Joseph’s face darkened for a second while looking like the thought of this best friend pissed him off. “No lie, I don’t like the guy. But Liam will keep him in line should that be needed. He’s the guy, if you remember, that I slammed his face into the table.”

“Ah.” Yeah, she remembered. The ‘I’d fuck you’ guy. No wonder Joseph didn’t like him. “Are you comfortable being around him?”

“Eh,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Sadly, I put up with him practically every day so I’m used to it. But like I said, Liam will keep him mannered.”

Tapping her finger on her mouth, Vesela considered this sleepover. Didn’t she want Joseph making friends? She wasn’t exactly sure why Liam had to be a not friend but Joseph must at least like him if he wanted to watch movies with the boy. What was the worst that could happen? It was movies and probably snacks. She wasn’t stupid though; beer was most likely going to be around. But Joseph had literally thrown two parties and not touched a sip so…

“Ground rules for said sleepover.”

A tiny flash of hope quickly glowed in his eyes with just a touch of excitement. “Anything.”

Raising a finger, she said “You don’t even get near the alcohol. Not ev-”

“There’s probably not any, mayko.”

“I’m not stupid, Joseph, don’t make me out to be.” She tapped the raised finger, “Do not touch any alcohol. Don’t even touch it if it tipped over and spilled on the floor. Friend not friend can clean his own damn floor.” A snort of amusement escaped Joseph’s lips. “Two,” Vesela raised a second finger, “No cigarettes. Preferably no weed either. You’re in a public building. A school building.”

“Anything else?”

Sighing, she stood and walked over to him, pulling him into a tight hug which he returned eagerly. For all his attitude and ‘grown upness,’ Joseph loved any affection he could get. From her at least. And once upon a time, Ivo. Maybe that time would come again one day. “Have fun and don’t be stupid.”

 

* * *

 

“Pick your poison.”

“You make it sound like I’m picking drugs or something,” Joseph snorted as he took the three movies offered and flipped them over to read what they were. Expendables sounded good because who didn’t like action movies? But then Kickass sounded funny… Then there was Inception which was about… “This one.”

Liam took Inception and shrugged before walking back to his t.v. “Inception it is.”

“Should be a voting system,” Jordan grumbled from the roommate’s bed. “Maybe I wanted something else.”

“He’s a guest,” Liam replied while putting in the cd. “So he gets to pick. You’re here all the time. Plus, he’s been in a bad mood so as friends, it’s our job to make him happy.”

They weren’t his friends but the thought was sweet of Liam. “Ain’t you just the sweetest little cupcake.”

“I can think of better ways to make you happy,” Jordan muttered under his breath before a handful of popcorn shut him up for a couple seconds. “Ways that include my mouth and your body.”

Joseph was about to snap a reply but Liam cut in with a stern tone. “Jordan. Leave it.”

With a stupid dramatic sigh, Jordan said “Just saying.”

“Yeah, well, don’t.”

“Fine, fine.”

Rolling his eyes from where he lay on the floor with a pillow under his head, Joseph asked “What’s wrong with Inception anyways? I thought you guys haven’t seen any of these movies.”

Bouncing onto his bed with the remote in hand after shutting off the lights, Liam answered “We haven’t. He just had his heart set on Sylvester Stallone.”

“It’s fucking Rocky, man. He’s a kickass actor.” A piece of popcorn landed on Joseph’s chest, coming from above. “Jersey, you seen Rocky, right?”

It was a bittersweet memory. Him and Ivo squished together on the bed in the guest room where they had finally put a television, watching the movies one after the other. They had been fantastic. “Yeah, I seen ‘em. Hella good.”

“Right? So why do we gotta watch Leo? For that matter, the dude isn’t as handsome as people keep saying he is. He’s just okay.”

Joseph would never say it aloud but he couldn’t help but agree. DiCaprio was eh, not what everyone made him out to be. “I picked it ‘cause the movie sounds interesting.”

What he also couldn’t say aloud was the actual reason that he had picked it. It was honestly kind of stupid but the movie was slightly personal. For fuck’s sake, it was like a sign.

It was all about dreams. The subconscious.

Obviously, it would probably be nowhere near what Joseph experienced but hell, the dreamer had to watch a movie about dreams. It’d be so wrong if he just passed it up.

“I guess,” Jordan sighed.

An hour and a half into the movie and Joseph was so entranced that he hadn’t even said anything when Jordan brought down a pillow and laid beside him. It was amazing. It was everything. Maybe it wasn’t the exact way he dreamed or how his dreams even worked but…Jesus. Dreams. The subconscious. A world inside a world so realistic that sometimes, the difference between dream and reality couldn’t even be told.

If he liked Leo for any reason, it’d be this movie.

Then it stopped.

“I gotta pee,” Liam said apologetically when Joseph groaned his annoyance. “Beer, water, and soda. Pissing really needs to happen right this second. Preferably not on my bed or floor.”

“Yeah but you didn’t have to pause,” he grumbled while rubbing his eyes and stretching.

Before the bathroom door was slammed shut, Liam called “I don’t wanna miss nothin’!”

“I’ll admit,” Jordan yawned beside him, “this movie is fucking good.”

“Agreed.”

Sitting up and snagging himself another beer, Jordan popped off the lid before offering it to Joseph. When he shook his head no, Jordan rolled his eyes before taking a gulp. “Why not? C’mon. You’re not driving home anyways. You can sleep it off here.”

Checking his phone as he waited for Liam to finish, he sent off a ‘goodnight’ to his mother. It was barely midnight and being that they were both insomniatic freaks, Joseph knew that she wasn’t asleep yet. “My mom doesn’t want me drinking.”

With a snort, Jordan laughed “Seriously? Who the fuck cares?”

“My mom.”

“Nah, dude, what I mean is that since when do you give a shit what your mom says?”

He actually always cared what his mother had to say, it was just that…sometimes he looked the other way. Weed for example. Being an asshole for another. So…why did he draw a line at drinking?

There’s a thought.

Holding out the beer once more, Jordan raised his brow in a dare. Was Joseph really going to go against the one thing his mother asked of him just because of a dare? He was no coward, no pussy, no man’s bitch. Definitely not Jordan’s.

So how could Kavinsky _not_ drink? He was God in this town. God didn’t care what his mother wanted. Well, Joseph was sure that Jesus listened to Mary but he probably didn’t _all_ the time.

Right?

Joseph could take the drink, he could fucking drink the drink because that’s what Kavinsky did. For that matter, Kavinsky always won a dare. He had to; it was the way things worked around here.

Mr. Lacrosse’s smile turned huge once Joseph grabbed the beer. Staring at it in his hand, Joseph hoped that it didn’t taste bad. Then he’d just look like an idiot. He raised the opening to his lips while stamping down his mother’s voice in his head.

And he drank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	35. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tubmlr.com)
> 
> Check out the end notes for a warning that comes with the chpt. i'm doing it that way to avoid any sort of spoilers but if your worried about warnings/triggers, go down to the end notes first before reading.
> 
> Enjoy! And see y'all Thursday
> 
> _"Don’t try to twist what happened on me.”_

Jordan knew that giving Kavinsky a beer – pressuring him to take it – was pretty fucked up but…how was it a good time without some alcohol? The dude had to get with it.

And get with it he did.

On his second beer, Kavinsky’s smile came easier, his laugh louder. But somehow, these smiles and laughs weren’t…smiles and laughs. They looked and sounded harsh. Cruel. Sharp. Cutting. There was no humor in them. It was like the alcohol brought out all the malice, hate, and pain that had been lurking beneath the surface. Jordan had seen glimpses of them flashing through his eyes once in a while or from the way that Kavinsky spoke. But the beer just threw them out there in the forms of acts that should express delight. That were _supposed_ to express delight.

There definitely was no delight being expressed. Maybe pressuring him into drinking had been a terrible idea. Scratch that, it was a seriously horrible idea now that Jordan remembered the breakdown the other boy had had not too long ago. Depression and alcohol?

Not two things that should be mixed.

Shit.

He should have remembered that before.

Flicking a glance to Kavinsky eating a piece of chocolate, Jordan felt the guilt settle in his stomach. He had meant well – he just wanted the other boy to let loose once in a while. Kavinsky was always so uptight and stressed. Jordan wanted him to relax and maybe see that Jordan was worth falling off the straight train for.

Gulping his own beer, he settled himself into his pillow resting against the foot of George’s bed and hoped for the best.

 

 

“If I showed up under Eva’s window right now,” Liam slurred, “Worse that could happen.”

Kavinsky sunk down further onto the floor as he thought about it. Or at least he looked like that was what he was doing. He had been perched like Jordan once he had started to drink. The boy’s shirt rode up as he slid and Jordan drooled for that strip of pale skin flashing out. Kavinsky was thin as fuck but he was still handsome. What would sucking on that pale flesh be like? Had to be good. Also, probably super easy to leave a sexy hickey behind on.

Jesus, he wanted this boy so bad. Kissing him had been amazing even if Kavinsky had yet to return said kisses. One day, he would. Jordan just had to keep trying. Try harder too.

“Worst?” Kavinsky snorted before taking a sip of beer. “Worst is that her dad is home and beats the shit out of you. Best? No one is home and you guys get to fuck like bunnies.”

He wanted to fuck like bunnies with Kavinsky.

“Huh…” Liam murmured, “I kinda like that… How good’re my chances of fucking like a bunny?”

“Dunno. Only talked to your girl once. Don’t know shit about her or her life.”

Personally, Jordan thought that going to Eva’s was the stupidest idea in the world. She’d never tolerate Liam being drunk. But if it got him and Kavinsky alone…then he was fucking all for it. Hopefully his buddy wouldn’t get beaten up by Eva’s dad, if he was even home. That’d be unfortunate. Actually, completely fucked up but Jordan really wanted alone time with the sexy Slav sitting beside him.

Liam made this weird humming noise – the drunk thinking noise – then laughed “Ima go and try fuck like a bunny.”

_Please do. Go for it although you definitely will not be a bunny tonight._

“Good luck,” Kavinsky snorted as both he and Jordan watched Liam clumsily pull his shoes on before attempting to fix his hair. Really, Jordan felt like he shouldn’t have touched it at all but whatever. It looked way worse now.

It didn’t matter though; the faster he was out, the more time Jordan had alone with Kavinsky. “Get some!”

Making a quick thumbs up with a smile, Liam stumbled out, the sound of the door shutting echoing in the quiet of the room. The movie had finished and the light was back on.

And it was just him and Kavinsky.

Joseph.

Popping open another beer after taking down the last of his, Jordan took a deep breath. He’d get a kiss today no matter what. They both just needed to be a little more drunk.

And play a game of chicken.

Because if there was one thing Kavinsky didn’t do, it was lose.

Mind buzzing and fuzzy after God knew how many drinks, Jordan smiled as syrupy as he could with the little bit of actual conscious thought he had left at Kavinsky. They were both pretty much wasted right now. It took more for him than Kavinsky because this wasn’t his first time drinking before tonight – this morning – but the end result was the same.

So fucking wasted.

Jordan burped.

Totally unsexy.

Oh well. No one ever said being drunk was actually sexy.

Scooting closer to Kavinsky who was still propped against the edge of the bed except now he was munching a licorice, Jordan wrapped an arm around the other boy. Kavinsky tensed a little but not as much as usual.

Good sign that.

“So,” Jordan whispered in Kavinsky’s ear, “I think…we should kiss.”

A snort erupted from Kavinsky, sounding even more brutal because he was drunk as hell. “Your worst attempt yet.”

Okay, so some of straight boy was still awake. Jordan could work with that.

He could totally work with that.

“Why,” he continued in what he thought was a pretty sultry whisper, “Can’t do it? Kavinsky’s too _afraid_? And here I thought the jackass of the town was fearless. Took anything anyone threw at him.” It seemed like the other boy was processing these words but Jordan couldn’t really tell. Leaning away despite his reluctance at losing that warmth, Jordan added “Shoulda figured. You just one big ass liar.”

Was Kavinsky annoyed? He kind of seemed like it. His brows were drawn inwards as it seemed like he was taking the time to formulate an answer. Finally, those deep brown eyes flicked over to Jordan, an angry challenge in them. “I’m no fucking coward.”

“Obviously you are because you too fucking scared to take my dare. Kiss me, sweets. Prove me wrong.” _Please do it. Please._ “But I know you won’t because you just one big fucking coward hiding behind this face. Fucking pussy.”

 _That_ seemed to piss him off. Leaning close where Jordan could smell the mix of sweets and alcohol on his breath, Kavinsky hissed “I dare you to say that again, fag.”

Lord did Jordan despise that word. But he’d say nothing about it right now; he wanted Kavinsky on his side. “You know, the ones who hate the loudest, protest the loudest…You know what people say? They be saying that they be a fucking fag too. You a fag like me?” Jordan doubted that Kavinsky was anywhere on the queer spectrum but he needed to goad him with something.

“Do you want to get your face beaten in today?”

“Nah, baby,” Jordan whispered as he got into the other boy’s space. His lips were so fucking _close._ “I plan on getting a kiss. But you just so fucking yellow like cowboy shit, you know?” It was cowboys, right? The ones who called a coward yellow? Jordan hoped so but his drunk brain wasn’t exactly in its best intellectual place right now.

Eyes glittering with a mixture of malice and annoyance, Kavinsky snarled “I’m no fucking coward you piece of shit.”

Ah, so his reference was correct. Good. “Unless you kiss me, you are.”

It was brutal. Hell, it was borderline violent.

But it was a fucking kiss.

Jordan was pretty sure his lip was bleeding or maybe it was Kavinsky’s that was but that tang was there. Somebody’s teeth hit someone’s lip or something. The kiss was harsh pressure of lips against lips but that didn’t come close to mattering as Jordan took charge and shoved his tongue in between those stunning lips. He sure as hell was going to make the most of this chance.

Kavinsky was trying to pull away, probably thinking along the lines of his job being done. He had taken the dare, beaten the challenge. However, the last thing in the world that Jordan wanted was to lose this moment. He was keeping it, using it, and abusing it.

No way was he letting go.

Keeping a firm hand on the back of Kavinsky’s head – _Joseph’s head –_ Jordan used his other to drag the other boy closer. There was some resistance but Jordan couldn’t, no _wouldn’t,_ let go. He had wanted this so bad and if he had to be little forceful, well, then…he had to be a little forceful. Take control. Dominance. Authority. All of it, Jordan would keep in his hands and use to get what he so desperately wanted.

And that was Joseph.

Straight boy might resent him a little once the sun came up but he’d get over it. Plus, who didn’t want to have really good sex anyways? Hell, Joseph would thank him for taking charge come the break of day.

 _When did wanting a kiss become sex? Well, besides wanting to suck him off._ Was he really going to push for the whole mile? Maybe Joseph didn’t want the whole nine yards? But then how could he not? Who didn’t? Especially with someone as hot and as sexy as Jordan. Fuck, he was the whole freaking package. With a really nice fucking package too.

Joseph definitely wanted to fuck. No doubt in Jordan’s drunken brain.

No, just brain. Right? His rational head was making all these decisions. Had to be. Jordan rarely got so wasted where he couldn’t keep his thoughts straight. Were his thoughts straight now? They had to be. He wouldn’t be stupid enough to let his inebriated mind make such serious choices for him. Especially something of this caliber that involved someone else.

Right?

Right.

Totally not wasted. Totally not allowing a wasted brain to make choices that involved the wellbeing of another person.

Right?

Duh.

Becoming more forceful in his kiss that was just _so fucking amazing_ , Jordan made sure to scoot himself as close as possible to the sexy Slav while dragging him over. Could Jordan get him in his lap? Maybe. Pulling harder to a more resisting Joseph, Jordan hauled the thin gorgeous boy into his lap before pressing him as tightly possible to his chest.

Chest to chest, mouth on mouth, and Jordan was sporting the hardest boner of his life. Jesus Christ above, he was in literal pain from it. Relief needed to happen like now. Dear God, now. But his mind couldn’t come up with a way to make it happen while still making sure Joseph didn’t get out his grasp. He knew that the minute that happened, this beautiful dream would be over.

Anything could happen except that. Jordan needed this to be forever. Or at least as long as it took to at least get a taste of Joseph’s body.

Just a taste.

That was all Jordan wanted.

A beautiful, wonderful, and delicious taste of some delectable looking flesh.

Being locked in Jordan’s grasp, Joseph’s attempts to push away were growing weaker like he was giving up. Or maybe he was just tired of pushing against the big wall of muscle Jordan proudly was. Maybe he was just resigned that they were going to probably fuck like bunnies tonight.

Hopefully, that was where the other boy’s brain was at.

Fucking like bunnies.

Jordan had dreams of fucking like a bunny with Joseph.

Oh Jesus the fucking Christ, it was going to be phenomenal. Extraordinary. Amazing. Mind blowing. Jordan could go on forever being that English was his forte. Hell, he kicked ass on that fucking SAT. Fucking ass.

Moaning into Joseph’s mouth from the delightful thought of fucking ass – hopefully today and Joseph’s – Jordan allowed the other boy to pull away. He needed to breath too anyways so Jordan could work with it. It wasn’t like the Slav was going anywhere being locked in Jordan’s firm grasp.

Resting his forehead on Joseph’s while ignoring the hate and…fear? Jordan whispered against the other boy’s mouth “Can’t wait to taste the rest of you.”

That managed to awaken another flame in Joseph’s eyes but it was no use. It died the minute Jordan tightened the grip of his hand cupping Joseph’s ass. Now Joseph just seemed resigned. Dejected. Not to mention it was like he wasn’t even breathing. Frozen still liking the fucking ice age was happening all over again.

That was rude. Here was Jordan ready to make some damn good love to this idiot and he had the nerve to act like it was nothing. Worthless. This bitch. Maybe Jordan would have to get a little rough to teach him a lesson. Make him say please and thank you. That’d be good.

Yeah, really good.

Harder than ever even though the ass in his lap wasn’t even bothering with anything, Jordan dragged them both up and onto George’s bed. He’d hopefully remember to change the sheets for the guy. Joseph tried resisting again and while he was tall, that didn’t do much because of the toothpick that he was.

“Baby, stop fucking fighting it,” Jordan slurred with a slight grumble. Maybe he needed to get more alcohol into the Slav’s system. But…Jordan’s kisses were something someone could get drunk on…

Obviously Joseph just needed a lot more of those.

Rolling Joseph flat onto his back, Jordan straddled his waist and leaned down for some lovely kisses. They weren’t amazing because the jerk was still frozen and seemed to be breathing weird but they were kisses and they were with Joseph so they were good enough. “God,” Jordan groaned, pulling away reluctantly from the bruised plush lips before him, “You taste so gooooood. I can’t wait to have more. Can’t fucking wait. Can’t, can’t, can’t. Oh Jesus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Non-Con towards the end. Nothing explicit tho
> 
> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	36. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> This chpt comes with some serious implied warnings which I've put in the end notes. If you're worried do check them out before reading. Nothing explicit because then I'd have to up the rating and I don't think that's necessary for the majority of the story.  
> And...yeah. Y'all are so quiet I think I'm talking to myself half the time
> 
> Enjoy! Well...as much as you can from such a content terrible chpt
> 
> _"No nightmares can manifest when there’s light shining.”_

He was sore. Like all over.

Why was he sore?

He had a headache. A pounding horrible headache.

Why did he have a headache?

He was naked.

Why the fuck was he naked?

There was someone breathing softly beside him.

Why was someone beside him?

Blinking his eyes open, Joseph stared in confusion at a wall that was very much not his. For that matter, the way he was sleeping and facing…his bed wasn’t even in this position in his room. So not his bed and not his room.

What?

Trying to get his fuzzy aching head under control so he could think and process all this properly, Joseph very slowly sat up.

And, oh, that was a bad idea.

He was sore, yeah, that had been established already. But it seemed a shit ton of his soreness derived from his lower half. Specifically, his ass.

Why…?

Sunlight filtered into the room through the blinds, too bright and far too harsh for his eyes. For his head. For his entire fucking being.

And it showed way too much truth.

Truth that Joseph remembered nothing of.

The soft breather beside him, in the same fucking bed as him, was none other than Mr. Lacrosse. Jordan fucking Sarmiento.

Also naked.

So while Joseph’s mind wasn’t able to properly remember a single thing that had happened, it was aware enough to put the little pieces he had together. The image that was forming was not something that sat well with him. Neither him nor his stomach.

Jumping out of the bed and dashing to the small bathroom that only housed a toilet and a sink because Aglionby wouldn’t spring for private showers, Joseph slid onto the tile, right in front of the toilet. Vomiting every ounce of his being into the toilet, he heaved and heaved and heaved. And fucking heaved. It didn’t even matter that he was naked, he just knew that he needed to get all of this shit out of his stomach. This disgusting feeling sitting deep inside of him. He’d never felt more filthy in his life. Not because of the alcohol.

Because of everything else that his brain had deduced.

“Fuck, you okay?”

Lifting his pounding head from the toilet and his bucket-load of puke, Joseph blinked at Jordan. Kind of stupidly, actually, but he couldn’t manage it any other way. The other boy was just standing there the way he was born into this world without an ounce of shame. But then if what Joseph had deduced had happened, why would he have shame? They’ve apparently seen everything of each other.

He threw up again. In the toilet because he wasn’t a complete ass to throw up on someone’s floor.

Liam’s floor.

The sleepover. The movie. The snacks.

The beer.

“Hey, man, your first hangover is always a hard one,” Jordan said with a smile as he walked over, plopping down beside him. Being naked on the floor didn’t seem to bother this asshole either. “You good?” he asked, resting his hand on Joseph’s shoulder.

_Caressing Joseph’s shoulder as he leaned over him and brushed his lips on his temple, Jordan whispered “Ima make you feel so good, baby.”_

Flinching away from the hand, Joseph dry heaved back over the toilet, the touch awakening a sickening feeling pitted deep down inside of him. When the hand came again, this time rubbing the back of his neck, Joseph froze in place.

_The touch felt wrong and yet sent sparks running through his skin. Maybe they were bad sparks? He was so out of it, so disconnected from his own body, that Joseph was barely even grasping an understanding of what was going on. What was happening anyways? The only thing he did know, could comprehend, was that he couldn’t move. One, from the weight atop him. Two?_

_Because his mind and body had shut down._

_Disconnected._

_Unplugged._

“Ibuprofen and water will help a ton, promise.” Jordan was suddenly all around him, enveloping Joseph into a soft embrace while pressing kisses on his cheek. “You’ll feel better in no time, bae.”

The bubbling in his stomach along with the fear and panic in his heart disagreed immensely but he was too afraid to do anything about it. The fear was crippling, holding him and his mind hostage. There was no moving, no protesting, no fighting back.

Like this morning.

This morning.

Joseph was incapable of vomiting once more because there was nothing left in his stomach. For that matter, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to get anything down there ever again. No way. When Jordan’s touches turned even softer, more of a soft loving caress than just a grasp, Joseph’s panic caught up with him. It had been kept just barely below the surface, not yet breaching through, but now there was no holding it back.

Fuck his life.

Body shaking and breath starting to come a whole lot shorter, Joseph tried to shrink into himself but Jordan’s embrace wouldn’t allow it.

_He tried to push against the bigger boy’s chest or pull himself out of the iron grip but nothing was working. Jordan was just way stronger than he was._

_There was no escaping._

Jordan pressed his face into the side of Joseph’s, placing soft kisses all over his cheek. “It’s okay, just breathe. I know, hangovers seriously suck.”

The small part of his brain that was still partially aware wanted to laugh at the idiot glued to him. Did he seriously believe that this was all because Joseph was spooked by a hangover? Well, he kind of was but that was more because it was just plain stupid of him but nothing else.

Carefully and slowly getting a handle on his out of whack breathing, Joseph whispered “P-Please let go. Please.”

Arms coming off him slowly, Joseph couldn’t bring himself to even glance at the boy beside him. That one glance would just send him into a downward spiral with no escape in sight. Shakily getting to his feet, Joseph made sure to look straight ahead as he walked back out into the room.

The place was like a fucking crime scene.

Beer bottles were strewn around the room. Trash of all their snacks was everywhere, wrapper after wrapper. But none of that bothered Joseph.

The roommate’s messy bed did.

On his shaky legs, he slowly stumbled to the trash can in the corner, leaning on the bed as he passed. He needed to know while at the same time…he was terrified to confirm his suspicions. Should he? Shouldn’t he?

He needed to. There was no way he could handle not knowing for sure. To just live in that limbo that was neither confirmed nor denied. The confirmation had to happen no matter what. Barely even breathing and knowing just from the prickling on his neck that Jordan was behind him watching, Joseph glanced down into the trash.

“You never said no.”

On the verge of hysterics as he ran a shaky hand through his bedhead while staring down at the horrible evidence in the trash, Joseph felt the push sending him on the descent to his panic. With a quivering voice, Joseph said “I never said yes.”

Annoyance was glaring apparent in Jordan’s voice. “But you never said no. Plus, you could have gotten up at any time. You never said no. And you came twice, so you were definitely enjoying yourself. Don’t try to twist what happened on me.”

Did this…did this idiot actually think that just because Joseph’s body had reacted how it was supposed to that he had given his consent? A fucking dick was going to come if you stimulated it enough.

He needed to get out of this room. Not just out but so far away and he’d never look back. Joseph felt like he was filthy; he needed to scrub himself so hard that he’d bleed. Frantically, he checked the floor and found his clothes thrown by the closet. Grabbing them, he quickly yanked them on without a care whether or not he was presentable or that everything went on right. He just needed to cover himself, cover his disgusting body from every eye. Not just Jordan’s but from this room. From the entire fucking world.

“I really don’t think freaking out is warranted. It was just sex, man. I made sure to use a condom; I’m not a piece of shit.”

 _You are, you are, you are._ “I-I just need to get the f-fuck out like right the fuck now.” Pulling on his shoes with such vigor that his hands flung back into himself from the force, Joseph jumped to his unsteady feet as he felt his pockets to make sure he had all his shit. He was never ever coming back here and he didn’t want to leave anything behind.

“Look, Joseph,” Jordan said quickly, trying to block him from leaving, “hold up, man.”

“You seriously need to get the hell out of my way,” he tried to snarl but instead it came out as weak and pathetic. When the ass wouldn’t budge, Joseph whispered “Please, Jordan.”

It was the way he begged, the fact that this was probably the first time Joseph had ever said Jordan’s name, that made Jordan move. There was a look of worry and panic etched all over his face but the other boy said nothing as Joseph made his limping way out the door.

Thank God because if he had said something, Joseph wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t have ended up crying on the floor.

 

* * *

 

“Joseph!” Vesela called as she walked into the house, a couple bags of groceries in her hands. It was stupid but she ended up a little jealous that her child was growing up and wanted to do sleepovers with other boys rather than his mother.

Yeah, she was that type of mom.

So Vesela decided that she wanted to plan their own sleepover. Snacks and all. She was that cheesy.

“Hello!” she yelled out when there was no answer. Funny because his car was outside. Setting the bags on the counter in the kitchen, she sighed as she walked over to the stairs and made her way up after slipping off her shoes.

“Joseph?” Knocking on his door, she pushed it the rest of the way open and made her way in. “Baby?” Was that the sound of crying? What the hell? From…the bathroom. With a deep breath because it was always hard seeing him at his low points, Vesela turned the knob and went in.

Dear God.

Rushing him from where he was sitting on the floor, Vesela yanked the knife from his hand shouting “Stop, Joseph, stop!” Joseph tried to keep his grasp but there wasn’t much strength in someone who was bleeding from their arms. “Stop,” she said in stern tone as she tossed the knife out the door before yanking him into a hug, pressing his face into her shoulder as he sobbed.

It was just plain sad and embarrassing that she had no clue how to deal with him anymore. She was his mother for fuck’s sake and yet she was pathetic. God, she was always so lost on how to help him.

Brushing through the hairs on the back of his head softly and slowly, Vesela whispered “S’okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” She was too afraid to ask what was wrong. It had to be horrible if he was sitting here sobbing after what looked like a painful shower from his raw red skin and practically ripping his arms open with slash after slash.

She needed to get those patched up.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry,” Joseph cried, clutching her so tight that she didn’t think she’d be able to breathe soon. “S-Sorry, mayko, sorry.”

“Why, baby.”

“B-Because I’m so disgusting a-and nasty. N-Nasty, nasty, nasty.”

What was she supposed to make of this information exactly? Why was he disgusting? Why was he nasty? She was at a complete loss. “I don’t think you are.”

Rubbing his face into her, Joseph sobbed “B-Because you’re my mom. You’re s-supposed to say that. I’m just a disgusting faggot excuse of a human being. So so nasty, mayko.”

Taking in a deep breath to hopefully help her think this through, Vesela replied after pressing a kiss to the side of his head “I say it because it’s true.”

He said nothing else, simply clutched her tighter and cried all the more harder. She in turn said nothing else, simply wrapped her arms around him as hard as she could. If only she knew what the problem was, if only she knew how to make his pain go away.

But she’d have to know what the problem was to be able to do that.

“I f-feel so dirty,” he finally whispered, “So utterly gross and disgusting. I scrubbed and scrubbed in the shower but I don’t feel any cleaner.”

“Joseph, you’re clean. I don’t understand.”

“You never understand,” Joseph mumbled miserably. And lord, did that make her feel like the worst and most wretched mother in the world. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t understand. Maybe if he bothered to tell her things, she’d be able to understand and help. But no, when did he ever tell her anything?

“Then make me,” she said, pressing another kiss to his hair. “Tell me everything and make me understand.”

“God, I wish. I wish so bad.” Sniffling and turning his head to the side where he didn’t face her, he added softly “I wish.”

There was no point in arguing with him or trying to get him to speak. When had that ever worked? Absolutely never. “How about instead you tell me how I can help you right now. At this moment.”

“I wanna really big sweatshirt to hide in,” he murmured, turning to look at her. His eyes were so dead, so tired, and Vesela just wanted to cry from it. He was a baby for God’s sake. Fifteen and he was such a horrible mess. “Really big, mayko.”

Oh-kay… “I can do that. I’ll go buy you the biggest sweatshirt that I can find. What color?”

His eyes looked so hopeful, like she was doing him the biggest favor in the world. “Really? It has to have a hood too. I need a hood. And black because it’s a color people hide in.”

Hide from what though? Someone? Something? Vesela was the stupidest person in the world probably. “One huge black sweatshirt with a hood. No problem. Anything else?”

Biting his lip and trying to shrink into her but failing because he was so amazingly tall, Joseph added with a whisper “More soap. And like a pumice stone or something. Something super rough that I can scrub myself with.”

Tightening her arm that was around his shoulders, Vesela replied “Sweetheart, you’re going to hurt yourself like that. You’re nice and fresh and clean. Don’t worry about that.”

A look of betrayal crossed his face. “You said you’re going to help me.”

“Joseph, you’re going to hurt yourself if you scrub like that. Trust me, I’m helping.”

Making a frustrated noise and seeming like he was conflicted if he wanted to push her away or get as close as possible, Joseph broke down into a sobbing mess all over again. “I-I just need to f-feel clean. P-Please?”

Resting them back on the wall behind her, Vesela tilted her head back just enough to look up at the ceiling. She wasn’t going to let him see her tears because mothers didn’t break down and cry in frustration when they were supposed to be strong. But Jesus, she couldn’t do this anymore. Vesela didn’t even know what the hell she was doing. When had she ever? She just winged it and hoped for the best. Winging it was not working anymore.

“If I bathed you myself, would you think that’s weird?” she asked, an idea forming in her head. There was just no way she’d let him scrub his skin off with a freaking pumice stone.

That, very surprisingly, made him give a broken laugh and form a tiny smile. “What?”

Feeling confident that her tears had faded back where they belonged, Vesela turned and smiled at him. “Well, who scrubs better than mothers? We always know how to make sure our kids are nice and clean. Hell, we’re the ones who teach you to bath yourselves. Maybe you just need a little bit of motherly scrubbing?”

A sad snotty giggle erupted from him as he lifted the collar of his shirt to wipe his face and nose. Slightly ew. “That’ll make me clean?”

Vesela could literally smell a gallon of soap on his body but she nodded without protesting. “Of course. Mamas always know the best scrubbing ways.” Brushing back his hair with her fingers, she continued “We are the scrubbing pros. No one scrubs like we do; it’s all genetic in being a mom.”

Normally, Joseph would completely call out stupid bullshit like that but wherever his mind was at made him different. Gullible, hopeful, or whatever but those words seemed to reassure him. “Really?”

“Of course. What do you take moms for? Jesus, we push babies out of us. We’re fucking superhuman.” There was nothing particularly superhuman about how she had screamed her head off pushing out her little itty bitty bundle of joy but, hey, Joseph didn’t need to know that.

“I’m…not too old to be scrubbed by my mother?”

“That’s up to you,” she shrugged. She hated people who had to make innocent things perverted. As if it was wrong for a mother to help her child in a time of serious need. What was the difference between a nurse and a mother? “But if you might be uncomfortable, I can yell tips through the shower door.”

With another funky giggle, Joseph shook his head against her shoulder. “You know everything I’ve got and seen everything I’ve got so…”

Not after the age of ten but all the same. So puberty had hit. As if she was afraid of some pubic hair. If her son didn’t have any, then she’d be actually worried. “Go to the shower and I’ll grab the soap from mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Implied RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT
> 
> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	37. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Admin stuff regarding updating: Only Sunday updates for the near future, probs the entirety of April but we'll see. I'm buried in a mountain of stuff that needs to get done, so I don't have time to write as often for the next few weeks
> 
> That's it. Enjoy ^•^
> 
> _“Peanut?”_

“You look badass with a power tool,” Joseph said quietly as he watched his mother install a tv mount on her wall across from her bed. She’d apparently been planning a movie night for them because she had been ‘totally jealous’ of him wanting to hang out with other people.

He wished he had never hung out with those other people.

“Why thank you,” she laughed before she pushed the button on the drill to screw into the wall. She had literally bought both the tv and the mount yesterday after he had left. “Told you, mamas have super powers.”

They must because after her scrubbing the hell out of him, he actually felt a bit cleaner than before. Like he wasn’t going to crawl out of his skin. Now it just itched like he was a little grubby but that was way better than before. He didn’t feel like he needed to shed his skin, rip it off, to get away from his disgust.

Making sure the hood didn’t slip off his head as he adjusted himself on her bed, Joseph watched the most amazing woman in the world as she worked. He knew that he had freaked her the hell out but she sure as hell was handling it amazingly. How many mothers could manage what she could? He should buy her a gift or something. Or just not be such a fucking burden.

“Mayko? Am I too much trouble?”

He liked the snort that she let out like he was asking the dumbest question in the world. “Of course not. Now, maybe in a little trouble for that tattoo? Yeah, maybe. But we’ll save that for another day.”

She hadn’t said anything in the shower but her mouth had titled in a very unhappy way when she had found the rose on his arm. Showering had been a process because she made sure to bandage and cover his arms first. Once his arms had been cleaned, Joseph realized how much of a mess he had made of himself. He was surprised he hadn’t bled to death or something. He’d also been a little worried that she’d be upset about being a fully clothed soaking wet mess after the shower but she had just laughed and smiled in the beautiful way that he loved, calling him silly.

“’Kay,” he murmured, sinking into his giant sweatshirt that she had went and bought, dragging him along because she didn’t trust him alone.

Joseph had nearly had a panic attack from all the people in Walmart. It felt like they were all staring at him and his disgusting being. It was like they could easily read the dirty sin he had been involved in. He had worn a long sleeve and a hat under a hood but he still felt so exposed. And his clothes felt too tight even though everything was always a little baggy on him. But it was like his body was on display for all to see, especially the men. Joseph had felt as though they had all been staring at him for the whore that he was.

Tugging on the huge black sweatshirt had been the greatest relief of his life.

Watching as she set the drill on the floor while picking up the instructions, Joseph wondered how this woman did it. He wished he had her amazing strength. If anyone was going to protect him, it was her. She may be a circle but fuck, she was as tough as a square. “Mayko?”

“Yes, baby,” she murmured while her face was scrunched in thought, reading what must be confusing instructions.

Biting his lip because he knew he was going to sound like a freaking child, Joseph whispered “You’re going to keep my nightmares away, right? Because you’re helping me.” He had no doubt that they’d come for him tonight.

Smiling softly as she let the paper fall to the floor before bouncing onto the bed beside him, his mother ran her fingers through his hair where he lay staring up at her. “I’m going to kick all those motherfuckers’ asses. No nightmares allowed in here, lemme tell you. And when they try to get through the door? I beat them with a fucking bat into a pile of pulpy shit that they ain’t never getting up from.”

Caught in a surprising bout of laughter that made his mother beam in delight, Joseph replied “Promise?”

“Promise,” she whispered against his forehead before placing a kiss. “Now, I think I’m up for a Lord of the Rings marathon. How ‘bout you?”

“You need to hookup that tv first,” he couldn’t help but laugh. “No watching until that happens.”

“Smartass,” his mother snorted before pressing another kiss and standing. “Don’t doubt your mama’s skills.”

 

* * *

 

“Why the fuck aren’t you answering,” Liam mumbled under his breath as he once again reached Kavinsky’s voicemail. What the hell was up? Since Liam had finally made it back to his dorm – which had been both empty and a complete mess – Kavinsky wouldn’t answer his phone. It wasn’t odd for him to not answer once in a while but after hours? Hundreds of missed calls? Tons of ignored texts?

Something was amiss.

Well, Liam had known that the minute he had gotten back to his dorm and the mess that it was. If there was one thing Kavinsky didn’t do, it was leave a huge fucking mess behind himself. Interesting, really, because you would think an asshole like that didn’t care about such things but the Slavic boy did. But that was probably one of those attributes that Liam detected but knew Kavinsky didn’t let the world see.

Inside that guy, something was completely wrong. And not wrong in a bad way but wrong like he had been through something bad. Liam could feel it in the depths of the hate and pain that were always present in Kavinsky, even when he smiled.

Finally giving up after yet again going to voicemail, Liam huffed and got off his bed to finally clean the mess that was left behind. Really, he should drag Jordan’s ass over here to help him but he was just too tired to deal with him at the moment. His hangover left him with a headache and not to mention that throb still in his face from Eva slapping him.

Apparently, he had shown up under her window saying that they should fuck like bunnies. Whether this was true or not, Liam had no clue because he had been so out of his mind. Eva had come down and slapped him – that he remembered – and then dragged him into her house and practically threw him onto the couch. When morning had come, she had yelled at him for driving drunk like an idiot and then her mom had given him a lecture.

_“Baby, I may like you a tad because you’re always good to my baby girl but don’t you think I won’t whoop your stupid ass.”_

_“I’m super-”_

_“Ain’t done, baby boy. I’m more upset about you drinking and driving than anything else,” Eva’s mom, a very dedicated nurse who worked at the hospital, interrupted with all her sass. Sass that Eva inherited. Eva’s mom wasn’t just a nurse during her shifts but out of her job too. There was no separating her from what she believed were her duties. “Maybe mommy and daddy won’t miss you but Helen and my Eva will. Don’t do it.”_

He actually loved her mom a lot. Like extremely. The woman was fucking amazing. Eva’s dad on the other hand was…eh. The man didn’t come around much according to Eva, but he did love and care for his kids. At least that was something. It was more than Liam got from his own parents.

Sighing as he grabbed handfuls of wrappers, he walked over to the trash and dumped them in. Dirty assholes couldn’t even clean up after themselves. The least they could have done, or whoever had slept in George’s bed, was to fix it. That was just disrespectful to poor George. Grabbing the blanket which had fallen to the floor, Liam stopped when a crinkling sounded in his hand.

Assholes were even eating in George’s bed. Wow. They better have not gotten the blankets and sheets dirty because then Liam was stuck washing his roommate’s shit. Finding the offending crinkler hidden between the folds of the sheets, he paused as he stared at what was in his hand.

There had been no eating in George’s bed.

Worry clouding his heart because he really hoped it was all some lie even though he was holding a condom wrapper in his hand, Liam walked back to the trash. With a pencil from George’s nightstand because there was no way he was sticking a hand in the garbage after knowing what might be in there, he sucked in a breath.

“Jordan, tell me you fucking didn’t,” he whispered in the quiet of the room as he stared down at a used condom. “Please.”

If Kavinsky was fully straight or not, Liam had no idea honestly. But that didn’t matter because he knew that the other boy had never been comfortable with Jordan’s advances. Ever. So if they had had sex, it wasn’t consensual on Kavinsky’s part.

“Fucking hell,” Liam snapped as he dropped the pencil in the trash because George didn’t want that one now. It was contaminated. Practically stomping, he yanked the empty beer bottles off the floor and threw them into the trash. Alcohol. Jordan had made Kavinsky drink. Pressured him into it. Liam had just been too fucking drunk to stop it.

Yeah, he was a fucking friend.

“Dammit, Jordan.” Standing in the middle of his room with a hand in his hair, Liam tried to think on what to do. That had to be why Kavinsky wasn’t answering. Liam had no clue if Jordan had planned to get Kavinsky drunk on purpose for sex but it didn’t matter. He had taken advantage of him knowing full well that there was no way that Kavinsky was comfortable with it.

Jordan had raped Joseph.

Now what was Liam going to do about it?

That he didn’t know. Tomorrow. Tomorrow after sleeping on this incident, he’d know what to do.

Tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

“See?” Vesela said as she closed the bathroom only halfway, leaving the light on inside. “Nightmares don’t like light. No nightmares can manifest when there’s light shining.”

Joseph nodded like it made complete sense from where he lay under her blankets, bundled in the hugest hoodie in the world. He refused to remove it or the hood like it was armor protecting him. The minute he fell asleep, she was getting on her computer and seeing if she could find out anything. Maybe she’d get lucky by typing in what she had noticed. The internet had all the answers, didn’t it?

Shutting off the main light of the room, Vesela took in the room to make sure it wasn’t too dark for him. Joseph had always had a fear of the dark since he was little. When it had finally broken, he had been kidnapped and locked in a fucking dark closet. Hello, fear all over again. It had lasted years and had never truly broken. The nightlight was gone by the time he was eleven but sometimes he’d turn on the light in his bathroom and leave the door slightly ajar. Even here in Henrietta, he did it sometimes.

But the room seemed bright enough with the bathroom and small lamp atop her dresser on. It wasn’t so bright where sleep couldn’t be found but it was just bright enough to, hopefully, keep away the horrors. “Good?”

Looking around the room, Joseph finally nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Perfect,” she said as she walked over and got under the blankets on her side. Pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, Vesela whispered “Now close your eyes, my beautiful boy, and sleep. I’m not going to let anything happen. Promise.”

The undying trust in his eyes felt like such a burden. Obviously, there was no way she could make a promise like that because if his mind was going to conjure up nightmares, then it’d do it. But she prayed that her presence and the lights were enough to give him a few hours of restful sleep. “You’re the best, mayko.”

“No duh,” she snorted, causing him to laugh a little as she laid down. “Now close your eyes and sleep.”

Watching him for what felt like more than an hour, Vesela finally let out a tiny sigh of relief when his eyes stayed shut and relaxed, his breathing slowing down to that of slumber. She had thought that her staring might make him uncomfortable but he seemed to prefer knowing that she was watching him close. It was like reassurance that she’d keep him safe.

Lord, don’t prove her wrong by giving him a nightmare right now.

Vesela waited a little longer to make sure that he was actually asleep before carefully sitting up and grabbing her laptop from the floor. She’d type in everything that she had noticed about his odd behavior today and if she was lucky, Vesela would find out what was going on. He’d been okay yesterday so why was today so different? It wasn’t just different but completely foreign to his normal behavior. Vesela knew what his anxiety, depression, and other moments looked like but this was all new.

Meaning something had changed. And the only thing different from yesterday and today was that sleepover. Joseph hadn’t mentioned it once which had to be a sign of some sort. Something had gone bad maybe? Argument or something?

Something, Vesela knew that much. Hopefully this Google search would help her with some answers. Fingers crossed because she really needed help on what to do for him. On how to help him through this new mess of emotions. She could do this; Vesela would find her answers and she’d help her baby the way good mothers did.

Opening up Google, she began to type her observations.

Research time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	38. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'm so burnt out trying to get my senior show crap together...uhhhhh
> 
> Anyways I have a minor favor to ask. So there's this TRC zine that I want to try and do (never done one before) and they want three samples of my writing for the application. So I was REALLY hoping y'all could maybe tell me what your favorites are? 3000 words or less so pretty much fav Snapshots or fav chpts from this story or the last. I have until the 14th to apply so if maybe y'all could drop your thoughts before then?
> 
> So rape is going to be talked about as we go on through the story now and then, so do keep that in mind. Also the warning of self-harm comes with this chpt.  
> Also complete and utter sadness.  
> Dont hate me  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“What the hell are you doing!”_

Taking a deep breath, Liam knocked on Jordan’s dorm door and hoped for the best. What exactly the best was, he still had no idea. Technically, Liam still had no clue what the fuck he was going to do with the information he had discovered. He was beyond pissed on Joseph’s behalf but Jordan had been a good friend to him since he arrived in this garbage little town. Temptation had hit him to try and talk to Eva’s mom about it because she was the only adult figure he really trusted out here. It wouldn’t make any sense to call Helen and explain it over the phone.

Plus, she’d be pissed about the alcohol.

But telling Eva’s mom would open so much questions and…Liam just wasn’t sure he could handle answering them. Hell, even just talking about it. Rape was not an easy topic to open with someone.

“What up,” Jordan nodded to Liam once the door was open. The ass looked completely fine and unfazed and that seriously bugged Liam. He knew for a fact that Joseph probably wasn’t doing so well right now. Especially since still not a single call or text had been answered.

Fucking hell, dammit.

“We need to talk,” Liam replied as he pushed his way in, Jordan closing the door behind him.

“Sorry about leaving your place trashed-”

He couldn’t hold his anger in check. Trashed was the least of his worries right now. “How the fuck could you!” Liam blew as he spun around. Jordan was bigger than him in both height and muscle but Liam had never been afraid of his friend. Of course, they had never really gotten into fights before so…hopefully Liam wouldn’t get beaten up or something.

That wouldn’t be cool.

“Uh…it was just trash. Seriously, I’m sorry.”

This fucking ass. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” he hissed as he jabbed his finger into Jordan’s broad chest. “I’m talking about Kavinsky.”

Shadow crossing his face, Jordan ground his jaw in shame before his annoyance took over. It was like he was trying to justify himself. Like the realization of what he had done was maybe digging into him but his pride or dignity or whatever bullshit he had was winning over. “Did he cry to you or something? For fuck’s sake, it was just sex. Why the hell are you two making it such an issue?”

Kavinsky had said some words for himself. Good. “He didn’t tell me anything. In fact, he hasn’t answered his phone since the day before yesterday. The day I invited him to just have some fun with us. To watch movies the whole fucking night and eat junk. The day before you fucking took advantage of him.”

A small groan of pain escaped his throat when Jordan suddenly shoved him into the wall. “As I told him, he never said no.”

Pushing Jordan’s hands off of him and making sure he wasn’t cornered into the wall, Liam said with venom “You fucking idiot, that doesn’t mean yes. Did he say yes? ‘Fuck me, Jordan’ or something? Anything like that?”

The shame came back which was good because it meant his best friend wasn’t a complete asshole. He probably had been running through the whole scenario since it had happened, trying to justify it in as many ways as possible. Trying to not feel the guilt or maybe erase all the blame that fell on him. “He never said no.”

“I can’t believe you,” Liam groaned into his hands as he rubbed his face like it was going to help erase this all. “Jordan, you fucking raped him. You do know that, right?”

Startled panic exploded onto Jordan’s face as his eyes grew wide. It looked like he was trying to form words but they all were lost before making it out of his mouth. At least it proved that he hadn’t always had the intention of getting Kavinsky drunk for sex. It had just happened apparently.

‘Just happened.’

Finger quotes.

“Kavinsky was drunk as hell, man. You took advantage of that even if you were drunk too and didn’t know what the hell you were doing. There was no fucking way he could have consented anyways being as out of it as he was.”

“He came twice,” Jordan mumbled like he was embarrassed to say it. Like he knew that it wasn’t even close to justification for what happened. Because he knew as well as Liam that just because the body reacted, it didn’t mean the person was all for it.

Huffing as he shook his head and paced, Liam sat down on the edge of Jordan’s bed and dropped his head into his hands. How the hell was he supposed to fix this? Kavinsky may be a complete assholic jerk but, dammit, Liam liked him. There was good shit hiding in there, he just knew it. But after this shit with Jordan, there was no way in hell Kavinsky would ever trust Liam again.

“Look, I fucked up, alright? I know but it was still just some sex. I used a condom, you know.”

“How the fuck do you think I figured out what happened,” Liam snorted into his hands.

The bed dipped down beside him. “Right. Sorry.”

“Jordan,” Liam started as he let himself fall back onto the bed to stare up at the ceiling and hopefully, somehow, find the answer written up there, “Dude, it’s not just sex. It was fucking rape, man. Whether you didn’t use force or not, if you hurt him or not, he never said yes.”

“Stop saying that word. Makes me feel nasty.”

Anger flared up once more inside him as he quickly sat up and glared at the ass. “Fucking dipshit, I don’t care how it makes you feel. It’s what fucking happened and I’m not going to avoid the word or soften it up to make you feel better. You’re not the fucking victim here. Can you even imagine what hell he might be going through right now? Did you ever consider how he might be feeling?”

Looking down at his hands as he picked at his fingernails, Jordan whispered “Trust me, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

“Good. At least I know that my friend might actually be a fucking human being in there.”

  

* * *

 

Joseph felt like shit. Like legitimate shit right now. Like Peanut’s shit in her litterbox that he was currently cleaning because chores waited for no one.

Well, chores in regards to Peanut. In regards to himself…he really didn’t give a shit.

Despite how much she didn’t want to leave him home alone, his mother had finally been convinced to leave. Peanut was lacking both food and litter which were two necessities that couldn’t be gone without. Technically, they could feed her people food but Joseph had never done that and didn’t want her to get accustomed to it. And she could easily take a shit in the backyard but he definitely didn’t want to go hunting for crap in their oversized monstrosity.

His mother had tried dragging him with her but Joseph knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. Even in his huge sweatshirt, which he had told her to buy another of for when he had to wash this one, there were just too much people around and Joseph could feel all of their stares on his body. Every single one of those people had judgement in their eyes, seeing him for the nasty used thing that he was. What was worse were the stares he knew men had to be giving him with an extra glint of interest in their eyes like they’d like their own turn with him. Using him.

Vomit landed in poor Peanut’s box.

Coughing out the last of it, Joseph stood on wobbly legs and went back into his room from his balcony, trudging to the connected bathroom. Washing up in the sink, he paused as he stared at his face in the mirror.

How was this him? There was a disconnect to who he saw in the mirror and who he thought he was. Or at least what he thought he looked like. He just…didn’t look like ‘Joseph’ anymore. His eyes were more sunken than actually existing, dark circles were the style of the year, and what the fuck were cheeks? Joseph had no clue being that he had none.

Joseph just wasn’t Joseph anymore. Or at least whoever Joseph was supposed to be. _Whatever_ a Joseph was supposed to be. These days, the line was so blurred, the view so murky, that he had no idea who or what he was.

But there was one thing that he could determine as he stared at the strange creature gazing back at him.

He was filthy.

A simple wash up would do no good; no, what he needed was a good scrub. That would help. Make him feel a little better maybe. Stripping his clothes reluctantly because even though he was home alone and in his own bathroom, Joseph still felt exposed, he jumped into the shower. Maybe he needed his mother to scrub him again because he was doubtful on how well he’d actually be able to clean himself. He was just so fucking filthy.

Filthier than Peanut’s box which definitely needed a wash now.

That would be next on the list then, he figured, grabbing the loofah and putting piles of soap on it. The loofah wasn’t as rough as he’d like but if he scrubbed super hard, his skin would get raw and red. That had to mean he was doing a good job. Like shedding his nastiness for fresh stuff.

Loofah scrubbing would have to do for now.

Scrubbing as hard as he could until he was mildly satisfied, Joseph shut off the water and stepped out. He dried himself quickly and got dressed twice as fast. Being naked would just make him gross all over again so covering himself as fast as possible was important. Dear God, he had so little control in his life to the point where he couldn’t even be naked anymore. Scratch that, no control whatsoever.

Jesus, he needed some. Or maybe just the illusion of some. Or something. And he knew just how to give himself some.

Walking over to his nightstand, he took out Ivo’s knife and flicked it open before having a seat on his bed. Even just rolling up his sleeve made him feel exposed. The pain, the cuts, they’d definitely help right now because only Joseph was in control of that. Only Joseph could decide how hard, how long, and how deep. It was all in his hands. Joseph was the only one who could cause this sort of pain.

That was the most beautiful satisfaction ever.

He worked slowly and carefully, much different from last time when it was a frantic need to shed his skin. By the time he felt satisfied, by the time he actually felt that little spark of control, Joseph’s arm was bloody as hell and burning like a flame.

But that was okay. Because he felt a little better now.

After washing his knife and carefully cleaning his arm before pulling his sleeve back down, Joseph returned his focus to Peanut’s box which was even nastier than before after his puke explosion. Dragging it with him downstairs so he could wash it in the backyard, Joseph realized that Peanut hadn’t come back from taking her ‘walk’ in the backyard yet. He usually left the screen open just a crack for her to go out and in. Had he seen her since she went out this morning?

No, he didn’t think he had.

Worry filling a deep dark pit in his miniscule stomach, Joseph tried to convince himself that he was just overreacting. Maybe she just was enjoying the sun or found an interesting place to sleep. That had to be it. “Peanut!” he called as he walked outside, setting the dirty box on the cement before he walked onto the grass.

 _Don’t panic._ She was a stubborn independent mind. When did she ever listen to him? Rarely unless she felt like it. “Peanut!”

Once Joseph was sure he had checked every corner of the backyard, he decided it was okay to give in to his panic now. She never went out of the backyard, why would she today? Although…occasionally she liked to lay on the grass out front because the sun hit better there. But she’d always go through the front door with him letting her out. Peanut had never jumped the fence and done it herself.

Maybe today was different. She just decided to do it herself rather than wait. Maybe he hadn’t been paying attention when she had asked him. _If_ she had asked him. “Yeah, that has to be it,” he said quickly to himself as he dashed back into the house and out the front door. “Peanut!”

There was no Peanut. There was no fucking Peanut.

“Running away wouldn’t make any sense,” Joseph murmured as he gnawed on his lip. She just wouldn’t do that. Walking further down the driveway and eventually into the street – fuck shoes, who needed them – Joseph looked up and down like she’d just be trotting over. “Peanut?”

Tears filled his eyes when he caught sight of a blob down the street just lying there, a couple houses down. It could just be a squirrel. Probably was and he was just being extra. Peanut was practically the same color as squirrels. “A squirrel,” he whispered through his tears as he jogged over.

It wasn’t a squirrel.

“Peanut?” Joseph called softly as he crouched down beside her half-squashed body. Would it be better if she was alive or dead? He didn’t care if she ended up without back legs; he’d carry her everywhere and teach her how to drag herself. He’d move his bedroom downstairs so she didn’t have to climb up and down the stairs.

None of that would matter though as he stretched out a shaky hand and set it on her chest.

She wasn’t breathing.

“Fuck,” he cried, pressing a hand to his mouth. “F-Fuck. D-Dammit. We were s-supposed to grow old together, remember? P-Please get up.” Softly petting her head before closing her dead lifeless eyes, Joseph sobbed “P-Please. Promise I’ll take you to the best vet. I’ll build you a f-fucking walker thing and everything. Please, P-Peanut.”

Obviously, there was no answering meow or content purr. Because she was very dead and very much not getting up. Sitting down on his ass on the dirty street, Joseph had no idea what to do except one thing.

Cry. Because his beautiful wonderful cat was dead. Gone. Smooshed by some stupid fucking asshole who wasn’t looking where they drove. Not only that but they didn’t even stop for her. What if she had still been alive after? They left her to suffer.

His poor baby.

Rubbing her head because he couldn’t bring himself to touch her stiff body or look at her smashed lower half, Joseph sang a lullaby through his wracking sobs. She liked when he sang to her. It’d always end up with her purring and falling asleep on or beside him.

Dear fucking God, Peanut was gone. “Y-You’re going to like kitty h-heaven,” Joseph whispered. “T-They let you do whatever you want there. Better yet, they’ll let you v-visit Waddle over at the d-dog side. You guys will get to be together again, d-don’t you worry.”

Wiping his dripping snot on his sweatshirt, Joseph sat there in silence, petting her as much as he could. Because after this, he’d never get to ever again.

“Love you, Peanut.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	39. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I applied for the zine, hopefully I get picked
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Please come save my baby!”_

God hated her. That was the only thing she could think of. The only reason she could think of on why her child had to have such a terribly rough life. It wasn’t enough that he came home a mess yesterday but no, God had to go and get Peanut run over.

Kissing the top of Joseph’s head as he sat down in the dirt next to where they had buried Peanut, Vesela murmured “I heard cat heaven is beautiful.”

“Me too,” he whispered in a broken voice. He was out of tears right now, having used them all for when she had found him sitting in the street petting his dead cat. “And she’ll see Waddle again. She’d like that.”

“No doubt,” Vesela replied as she took a seat beside him and held him close. She had actually been on the verge of her own tears when she saw the mess of Peanut in the street. It had been even worse when Joseph had begged her to be the one to pick her up because he couldn’t do it. “They’ll be extra happy together and get to poop wherever they want.”

A snotty giggle came from him as he rested his head on her shoulder. “They had manners, thank you.”

“But of course,” she snorted in reply.

They sat in silence until sunset was upon them, Joseph sniffling and Vesela softly rubbing his shoulder with her thumb where she held him. He didn’t want to speak and she wasn’t going to force him to. Although, lord knew she was dying for him to speak.

But not about Peanut.

She was looking to hear about yesterday and what she was worried may have happened at the sleepover. Google searches had yielded her some very concerning results. At first, Vesela thought that maybe she had somehow searched wrong. But after reading various websites and pages, she knew she hadn’t.

Which was terrifying because if it were true, it meant that someone had raped her child. She didn’t know if more people than just not friend Liam and boy Joseph didn’t like had gone to the sleepover but she felt like she knew the culprit. However, there was nothing she could do about it unless Joseph talked about it. Forcing him to speak was the worst thing she could do.

So she was stuck waiting him out. Vesela just prayed that the waiting wouldn’t take too long. The longer he let the horror fester inside of him, the worse he was going to get.

“Let’s go inside, sweetheart. It’s getting dark.” Joseph still kept his silence but shook his head. Kissing him, she repeated “Sweetie, we should-”

“I don’t want to,” he sniffled, wiping his face with shaky hands. “I don’t want her to be all alone.”

It wasn’t worth telling him that she wasn’t here anymore and plus, didn’t he remember that she was hanging with Waddle now? But she wasn’t going to make him worse by saying that. What Vesela would do is be the best mother in the world. “Then I’ll grab us some blankets and some food and we’ll sleep here. Like camping, huh?”

“I’ve never been camping before,” Joseph mused as he shrugged off her so she could get up. “How come we never went camping, mayko?”

Yeah, that was because she didn’t really like sleeping outside and Ivo had always hated bugs. So in turn, no camping. It had never been something she had wanted to experience anyways but apparently Joseph had. “Sorry. Not something me or your bashtá ever really liked.”

It didn’t seem as though he was really listening though because he was back to being lost, staring at Peanut’s grave.

Peanut’s grave. Jesus.

“Hello,” she sighed as she answered her phone while grabbing random crap from the cabinets. She didn’t care what Joseph ate, she just needed him to eat. These next few weeks were going to be hard on him meaning that keeping on weight was going to be difficult. More difficult than usual she should say.

“Hi. You…don’t sound so good?” Ivo asked in concern. “You okay?”

Tell him, not tell him… Fuck it. She needed to unload on someone. Nikol always helped but Vesela missed hearing Ivo’s thoughts. Missed _him._ “Peanut died.” Silence greeted her. “Ivo?”

“Fuck,” he finally murmured. He sounded genuinely upset which wasn’t a surprise being that he loved the wonderful cat as much as everyone else. Especially after she had practically been his home rehab partner after ruining his knee. “How’s Joseph?”

Dilemma. It was another tell him or not moment. Vesela never spoke of Joseph but…this was serious, wasn’t it? Ivo wasn’t stupid; he knew how hard Joseph crashed when something bad happened. Maybe…he was actually worried? If they were ever going to get fixed as a family…

She must have been taking too long for him because he interrupted her musings with an irritated voice. “Dammit, Vesela, I’m just asking-”

“Bad,” Vesela cut in. “Bad, Ivo. She was hit by a car and I found him crying in the street by her flattened body petting her. So, bad.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck.” Sighing as she grabbed a couple water bottles and dropped them into the bag she had taken out for their excursion snacks, Vesela murmured “I don’t know how to help him anymore.”

Vesela had tried explaining that to Nikol once, weeks ago. But her sister had never truly seen Joseph at his worst moments, so she never could understand. Nikol would give support, sure, but her older sister could never grasp how much weight it put on Vesela herself. Sometimes, it was just exhausting handling which sounded horrible at face value but it was true. Supporting his wrecked mental health was taking a huge toll on her own. Not just that, but her sister would never understand how Joseph literally made it hard for her to help him. It was like he was stuck in this limbo where he wanted her to be there but then he just couldn’t accept the help. He just _didn’t want_ to accept the help.

The only one who would ever understand that was Ivo.

Her husband was silent but Vesela knew it was because he was thinking as she heard the sound of a glass being set down. Nikol had told her how Yulian said that Ivo drank literally every day. One time he had even shown up to work drunk which ended with Yulian dragging him home before anyone caught on to their lord’s state. As a man who had rarely ever drank before, Ivo seemed to be hitting it hard now.

Hopefully his liver was okay.

“The pills don’t help anymore?”

For someone who had done so good for the past year not telling Ivo anything, she was about to ruin her spotless record. She just needed _someone_ to help her. Put out some good ideas or something. “He stopped taking those almost a year ago.”

“Oh.” He sounded annoyed at not knowing this. “Was it a good idea to take him off them?”

With a sigh and melting onto the kitchen tile, Vesela replied “It was neither approved by me or a doctor. He weened himself off them without me knowing. He didn’t like how they worked with the crap he smokes.”

Ivo didn’t even make a surprised grunt. Someone had told him about the weed then. “Maybe…fuck, I got nothing. Gimme a sec…”

Nothing was the story of her life nowadays. “Me neither. I’m out of ideas even though right now is the worst time to be idealess with the death of his lifeline and whatever the fuck happened yesterday.”

Shit.

“What happened yesterday?”

“Nothing,” she backtracked quickly, “Forget I said-”

“Vesela.”

“It’s noth-”

“Maybe I can help.” He was being smart; instead of sounding annoyed knowing that she’d just get pissed at him, Ivo was making sure the concern was oozing from his voice.

Where did people think Joseph got his manipulation powers from?

But this was an area that she didn’t think Ivo actually could help in because she was still on the fence on whether or not to believe what she had found. Coming to terms with the fact that someone may have raped her child was not easy. And seriously terrifying. “Just…I don’t even know. Something happened and he crashed hard.” Vesela hadn’t even told Nikol about it yet so the pressure on her tongue was heavy. Finally, she whispered “But whatever it was caused me to find him literally ripping his arms open with a knife. I’m surprised he hadn’t bled to death.”

A heavy silence was on the other line. She couldn’t even hear Ivo breathing. Was he scared? Worried? Vesela sure hoped so. “You can’t figure out why?” he asked after what felt like a lifetime.

“No.” But she definitely had her suspicions. Very terrifying suspicions.

 

* * *

 

“I hate my life,” Joseph whispered up at his ceiling which was still very naked looking compared to the rest of the room. “I’m just so tired.”

Exhausted.

Peanut was gone. Gone because some stupid fucking piece of shit ran her over.

“Some stupid fucking piece of shit.”

Bouncing out of his bed with a sudden energy that surprised him because where the fuck had that come from, Joseph went to his closet, practically slamming the door open. Grabbing what he wanted before pulling on his slip-ons and yanking on his hat, Joseph put on his hood as he bounded down the stairs. Luckily, his mother wasn’t in the kitchen or else he’d be stuck answering questions.

Thank you, luck.

Walking out his door, Joseph turned down the street where he had found Peanut’s body yesterday. _My poor child._ Steeling his heart because feelings would do him no good right now, Joseph stopped where he had found her and glanced around. Making what he felt was an educated choice, he walked up someone’s driveway and bent down to check out the front bumper and tires of some rich fuck’s Jaguar XKR.

He had to admit, he was shocked that the bitch hadn’t washed their car yet. But hey, that little smudge of evidence was exactly what Joseph needed. Maybe they hadn’t even noticed that they had hit something.

Which made Joseph even more pissed.

Getting to his feet and thanking Coach Rodriguez for teaching him how to hone his swinging stance, Joseph adjusted himself and his lovely metal bat for maximum damage. “This is for Peanut.”

And he swung.

Joseph was happy that whoever this was had stuck with the standard instead of going for the convertible. Way more glass to break besides the windshield. God, he should break shit more often because, Jesus fuck, was it the most satisfying thing in the world. Especially because it was for his beautiful legume. About to slam the rear windshield to make sure it matched everything else, Joseph paused only for a second after he heard a door open.

_SLAM_

_SLAM_

_SLAM_

“What the hell are you doing!” some man’s voice shouted in fury. Joseph took a minute to look at the ugly balding man in a suit – his neighbor apparently – before continuing his mayhem. He raised his bat high before slamming it down into the trunk, leaving a nice dent.

But not nice enough.

So he hit the same spot again and again to the shock and panic of the murderer.

“STOP!” the man yelled in anger before he suddenly ran at Joseph, tackling him to the floor.

Getting touched by a man – a middle aged one at that – and having him atop him was the most terrifying thing in the world. Talk about his triggers combining all at once. Now if this was happening at night, then it’d be even worse and a complete mindfuck.

Yanking the bat away, the man stood – thank God – and pointed at Joseph’s prone form with it, breathing hard. “I don’t know who you are but I’ll have you arrested! ARRESTED YOU DISGUSTING HOOLIGAN!”

Disgusting, yes, Joseph completely agreed. He didn’t think he was a hooligan though. Well, he had just literally smashed the hell out of a car so…

He was more sorry to the car. Actually, only sorry to the car. This piece of shit deserved what he got.

Other neighbors had come out of their stupid McMansions to see what the whole commotion was. They were probably like those gossipy suburb flies that were always in television shows, searching for the next big scandal.

When the guy tried to lean down and rip the hat and hood off Joseph’s head, Joseph reacted in panic at being touched or having his whore body being exposed to the world. He didn’t care if people knew who he was, he cared that their eyes would be on his body.

That was something that he couldn’t handle.

From a kick to the groin, the man dropped like a ton as he grabbed and clutched himself in pain, Joseph’s bat dropping with a loud clang. Grasping it and dragging it over to himself, Joseph rolled to his feet and walked back to the car. He wasn’t done yet.

“Kavinsky? What the fuck are you doing, man?”

Tilting his head to the side, Joseph blinked in confusion at the dude in flannel pants in front of him. They probably went to the same school because this was rich people neighborhood but Joseph had no idea who he was.

Oh. No, he did.

“Alan,” Joseph smirked as he rested the bat on his shoulder. He knew there was a nasty glint in his eyes but hell, he wasn’t trying to hide his hatred. Knowing that this guy might be Alan’s dad just made him all the more excited to ruin this car. “Move out of my way.”

Worry was on the other boy’s face as he scrunched his brows and his mouth tilted but he said “Dude, what the fuck. That’s my dad’s car. What the fuck.”

“That’s nice. Now move so I can finish my art.”

“I’m calling the cops,” Alan’s father said from the floor, still holding his groin in pain. “I’ll get you arrested.”

“That’s nice,” Joseph shrugged because he didn’t fucking care. Let him get arrested. Who gave a fuck?

“Joseph, what the hell?”

His mother now that he thought about it.

Turning with a huge smile on his face to the only being left in his life, Joseph replied with a laugh “Justice. Duh. This man killed my cat so this man gets to lose his car. He should be thankful it’s not him I’m beating with the bat.”

Anger and frustration blew in his mother’s eyes but she kept her voice steady. “Give me the bat.”

“Dude,” Alan interrupted in shocked fury, “You ruined my dad’s car for a cat? What the fuck? Who gives a fuck about a stupid cat? Maybe it shouldn’t have been in the street.”

An opportunity to add more onto that bullshit ridiculousness was ended quickly as Joseph swung into Alan’s stomach with his trusty bat. Maybe he’d polish it as a reward for being so good for him. Alan ended up on the floor like his father, coughing and clutching his stomach in pain.

But that was very much the last straw for his mother as she came from behind him and yanked the bat out of his hand. When he turned to face her, blinding rage was written all over. “House. Now.”

“I’m not done,” he whispered with a vicious smirk as he grabbed his bat back. She resisted but Joseph won out before he walked over to the hood of the Jaguar – practically with everyone of the street watching – and swung down with all the hate and pain he was feeling.

Again and again and again until he was satisfied.

Back on his feet, Alan’s father was already on his cell calling the police as he helped Alan up. But Joseph didn’t care. He simply took himself and his bat back to his mother before he smiled sharply to her disbelief and anger. “I’m done now.”

Her head shook softly like she couldn’t believe it, like she had no idea who was standing in front of her. And maybe she really didn’t grasp it because she had only really met Kavinsky once before. Wrapping her small hand around his wrist and pulling him in front of her, his mother dragged him home, slamming the door shut behind them.

Dropping his bat on the floor with a loud clang, Joseph laughed “I should probably piss before they come for me, huh? Heard cell bathrooms are gross as fuck.”

For all the strength she had displayed outside in front of everyone, his mother was broken now that it was just them. It surprised Joseph because he had never seen this woman break from just him. Usually it took Ivo to tear down such a strong woman. “I don’t care,” she whispered through her tears, “I don’t fucking care.”

Joseph blinked in surprise at her. She wasn’t supposed to say that; she was always supposed to be on his side. Always. His mother was what he had left not for her to just give up on him like everyone else. Mothers were never supposed to just give up; it went against all motherdom. She was breaking the rules.

“I don’t care,” she repeated as her lips quivered from the upcoming cries. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.” Shaking her head and covering her face as she practically ran to the stairs, she cried “I just can’t.”

The echoing of her door slamming was the loudest thing he had ever heard as he stood in the very empty house. The distant sound of sirens came as Joseph stood in the middle of the huge empty monstrosity that would never be home.

Alone.

Because that was all he had ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	40. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I haven't allowed myself to read or write this whole month until I finish my portfolio and the stuff for my show and I'm going nuts. We'll probs be going back to two days a week schedule soon tho so keep your eyes open.
> 
> There is a warning that comes with this chpt so check out the end notes if you're worried  
> Enjoy ._.
> 
> _“C’mon, baby boy, I know you’re there.”_

“What up,” Liam said to Alan as the boy walked over to him and Jordan as they leaned up on the Porsche. Liam still had no fucking clue what to do about the whole rape thing and that had been three days ago. He thought time would help him figure it out but it was very obviously not.

It was just making everything harder.

Staying quiet was bugging him. He didn’t want to be _that guy_. The one who knew what was happening or had gone and kept his mouth shut in ‘support for his buddy’ or because it wasn’t a ‘big deal.’ Because it didn’t matter that Jordan was his buddy and it sure as fuck was a big deal. It was horrible.

Yet he didn’t know what to do.

Him and Jordan weren’t on the best of terms right now which was something, right? It meant Liam wasn’t a complete asshole? He hoped so. Every day, he called Kavinsky but it did him no good. Either the dude’s phone was dead or off. The thought to go to his house had happened but Liam decided against it. If Kavinsky had wanted to talk or see him, then he’d answer the phone. Maybe space was the best right now?

“Gimme some fucking weed, man,” Alan grumbled as he held out a fifty. “However much that buys.”

“Bad day?” Jordan asked in mocking concern as Liam took the money and pocketed it. Technically, Kavinsky was the seller now but he let Liam do some side sales when the opportunity presented itself. “Everything okay, dear?”

Alan practically bristled like a fucking porcupine. Someone was touchy today. Not that the dude was overtly friendly usually but geez. “No, it’s not fucking okay. Your asshole buddy not only whacked me with a fucking metal bat but beat the shit out of my dad’s car. Apparently, insurance doesn’t cover that which is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Liam shared a confused glance with Jordan before turning back to Alan. “Kavinsky?” That was the only buddy he could think of.

“Yes,” he snarled back while Liam took out fifty bucks worth of weed, “Fucking Kavinsky. Says my dad killed his cat or whatever. Apparently, a fucking animal is worth more than a car.”

He knew it was a stupid thought but Liam was more stuck on the fact that he didn’t know that Kavinsky was a cat guy. It was like a secret that no one was allowed because it was too personal. “So Kavinsky smashed your dad’s car with a bat for his cat?” Maybe that was a good thing? Maybe it would help with whatever pain he was feeling after the assault?

After the death of his cat too apparently. Damn, Liam hoped he was alright. When he had been around seven, he had had a pet guinea pig named Stephen because he had just learned about the first king of Hungary from Helen. Liam had loved Stephen more than anything but one day he had gotten loose and Liam hadn’t been able to find him until poor Stephen had suffocated because he had gotten caught behind the fridge.

Lord, had he been devastated.

Helen, of course, had been the one who helped Liam bury him although they weren’t allowed to in the backyard. His mother didn’t want ‘that rat’ ruining her backyard. Wasn’t she the sweetest?

“That fucking piece of shit,” Alan muttered as he took the weed. “Police took him and shit but he was out easy, man. His mama paid bail and made a deal with my dad so no charges stick.”

“Deal?”

“Pays back the price of the car in full. In cash. Who the fuck has cash like that lying around? Her, apparently.”

That…was interesting. How did someone have cash like that just sitting around? Now that Liam thought about it, he literally knew nothing about Kavinsky. What did his parents work? Where did their money come from?

Why was he here?

Something told Liam he’d never get the answer to those questions.

  

* * *

 

“Oh my God, Lindsay, did you hear about Kavinsky?”

Despite herself and despite how horrible Joseph had made her feel and still currently feel, Blue’s ears perked up from where she sat a table away from the current speaker. It was the girl who had tried to get Joseph to go out with her. Even now, that pike of jealousy was still there. Smaller, but there.

Kavinsky had dug into her deep. Maybe it was because she had gotten to see parts of him that she didn’t think anyone else ever had. Parts that made him beautiful. Fun. Sweet.

Human.

“If you say he has a girlfriend, I’ll probably cry,” Lindsay laughed as her friend sat down beside her. Yeah, Blue might too. Okay, not cry but she’d end up a little annoyed despite how much she wished that she wouldn’t be.

 _It could’ve been me_ .

No. No, it couldn’t have. Blue needed to learn to keep her brain shut. Quiet. She needed to seriously get over it. If they really had been true loves, then fate wouldn’t have let them walk away from each other. Lately, ever since the whole kissing fiasco had happened, Blue convinced herself that she had just been stupidly infatuated because no other boy had ever given her that kind of attention before.

Simple as that.

“No,” the friend replied with a laugh of her own. The friend was probably grateful for that too. “He got arrested. Isn’t that like the coolest thing ever? Such a bad boy.”

Cool, no. Interesting, maybe.

“No way. For what?”

“Taking a bat to his neighbor’s car. Beat the crap out of it apparently.”

Blue stared down at her book in confusion. That wasn’t very Josephish. At all. But then…it was entirely Kavinskyish. What would make him do that though? He had to have been angry about something. Maybe it was the mobster son part of him? That was a thing, right?

Or maybe he just wanted to get arrested. That could be a thing to. Maybe he was just super tired of everything. He was the one who said he didn’t have dreams, didn’t see the stars. Even though she was hurt and angry because of him, Blue hoped that he hadn’t run out of reasons to live. Because even she would be upset.

Hopefully, there was at least one reason left for Joseph to look to the stars.

  

* * *

 

And they were back to silence.

His mother neither spoke nor looked at him. Joseph was convinced that she didn’t even listen to him when he spoke. Not that he had spoken much but at least he had tried which was more than she had done. Didn’t she understand that it was all for Peanut? Who cared if he was arrested? Had a mugshot? No one gave a fucking damn. He sure didn’t.

Looking at the wall with the checkmarks for Peanut, Joseph started to erase the chalk with the big black eraser in hand. No more Peanut so no more checkmarks.

No more Peanut.

God fucking damn.

Taking apart her cat towers and house had not happened. Joseph couldn’t bring himself to touch her stuff. Maybe it could be like her shrine or something. Whatever. Point was, Peanut’s corner wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Sighing once he was done while tugging at the sleeves of his sweatshirt and staring at the now blank wall, Joseph turned to look at his mother’s wall. What was the point of having a wall for her if he wasn’t important to her? Why did she have to be important to him but not him to her? Sounded pretty fucked up to Joseph.

Looked like Vesela was going to be erased too then.

Walking over, he began to erase every checkmark he had ever put. What good had living for her done for him? Nothing except make him see his cat dead and buried. The only time he felt a tiny pang of pain during this whole cleaning process was when he reached his mother’s name. Joseph paused for only a second before swiping it away with the eraser.

Now his walls were clean.

And now, very obviously, he had nothing to live for. Like that, his two lifelines were gone – one taken from him and the other had abandoned him. Just like that, his life was completely worthless. Had nothing left to it or in it. Almost sixteen years and not one was worth his time. He was just done.

Done.

Grabbing a piece of chalk from his junk drawer in the dresser, Joseph walked back over to what was formerly his mother’s wall and began to write.

Even bitches deserved goodbyes.

 

* * *

 

“How soon can you ship me a hundred thousand in cash?” Vesela was sure that Ivo thought it was a joke just from his silence. Just pure dead air over the line. “Love.”

“I’m sorry, did you just ask-”

“Yes. How soon can you get it to me?”

“Uh…couple days, I guess. I can send someone as soon as possible. Why the hell do you need-”

“Joseph got arrested.”

That shut her husband up fast. Even Ivo the mob boss had never been arrested. But then, that probably had more to do with how smart he was in what he did and how his men would so willingly take a fall if there had to be one. It didn’t halt the comparison though. Mob boss never arrested but mob son who had never done anything ever? Yeah, extreme shock all around. Nikol had had a freak out.

A very very large freakout.

“Joseph…”

“Got arrested, yeah. Bailed him already although I didn’t want to. Not at all. Should have let him rot and stew.” God, should she have. God, would he have deserved it.

“Uh…” Ivo’s waves of confusion were so strong that Vesela could feel them through her phone. Literally.

“He vandalized a neighbor’s car with a metal bat. A very expensive car that I now need to pay cash for. Can you get it to me asap?”

She could easily imagine Ivo running a confused hand through his hair. “Of course, I’m just…shocked. Except really, shocked is such an understatement.”

Vesela couldn’t even say that she was. Nothing about Joseph’s behavior shocked her anymore. She was just too tired to be shocked. Too emotionally dead and frustrated. Too done. “Yeah.”

“Vesela, are you okay?”

Brushing her loose hair behind her ear as she sat crossed legged on her bed, Vesela thought about the question. Was she okay? Honestly, she didn’t think so. When had she stopped being okay? It had to have been a while ago because her head always felt so heavy. She just… “I’m just tired.”

“Mentally or physically?”

He always had known her too well. “A little of both maybe.”

Today had been hard. Getting up, or just having that motivation, was hard. Difficult. Such a toll that she…

Vesela was just tired.

Now, was she tired or was she depressed? She felt her answer was the latter. And she wouldn’t be surprised if it was true. This entire year had been so taxing on her, mentally and physically. She wondered if Joseph still had his pills. Maybe if she started taking them…she’d feel better? They had always worked for him.

“Maybe…maybe you need to talk some more. Like get the weight off, you know?”

If only it were than simple. Was this how Joseph always felt? Trapped? “Yeah, maybe. Can you get me the money soon? That way I can get the annoying prick off my back. Thanks and love you.”

And she hung up.

Tired and done. So tired and done.

Getting up, she decided to see if the antidepressants were still around or if they had been dumped down the toilet. She felt like they could help and if she could get that help, then she was taking it. Once she reached Joseph’s door, she knocked but didn’t wait for him to invite her in. Vesela was not in the mood for him. She was still pissed, still hurt, and putting up with him while he was in one of his moods was not something she needed right now.

But upon walking in, she froze.

It was clean. All the checkmarks, hers and Peanut’s, were wiped clean. Even Vesela’s name was gone. In its place was something else in big slanted letters taking up the whole wall. What they said, freaked her the hell out.

_I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE_

_I JUST CANT_

They were her words from yesterday as she had cried before the cops had taken him. Her words thrown right back at her. What was he trying to achieve with this? Did he want to make her feel even worse? Why could he never understand how much he was hurting her, weighing her down, with his words and actions? Why wasn’t she allowed to be upset once in a while without being the bitchy villain?

However, as she mused on these words some more, Vesela realized that maybe he had a completely different aim with this.

Maybe he was talking about himself.

Panic took over her body leading to chills and shakes. Violent chills and shakes. “Joseph!” she called before trying to open his bathroom which was closed. Locked. He never locked it. Ever. “No, no, no!” She slammed on it, banging and banging as if that’d make a difference. She didn’t even know if he was in there for sure but that door was never locked.

Except now it was.

Realizing that her banging would get her nowhere, she tried to remember how Ivo had kicked in a door that one time she had watched him. Ironically, it was another time Joseph had locked himself in. Terrifyingly, it was when Joseph had tried to kill himself for the first time.

“Dear God, no,” she whispered through tears before slamming her foot under the knob a few times. She was nowhere near as strong as Ivo.

But she was a panicking mother who needed to get to her child.

Kicking it a few more times achieved her pain and success. Pushing the door fully open, she charged in but stumbled to a halt. Vesela’s brain was barely functioning anymore. It couldn’t even think in full sentences.

Joseph.

Floor.

Pill bottle.

_DO SOMETHING!_

“Do something!” she cried to herself as she dropped down beside her prone child. Okay, so…overdose? Probably. Phone. She needed a phone. Now. Right now.

_GET UP!_

Flying to her feet, she ran back to her room and grabbed her phone off the bed, frantically typing in 911.

“Please come save my baby!” Vesela practically sobbed into the phone once the operator picked up as she ran back to her child. “Please.”

If she lost him, Vesela wasn’t sure she’d survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Attempted suicide
> 
>  
> 
> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	41. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you to all my lovely readers because you guys are totally awesome. We'll be getting back to twice a week in a couple weeks which, hopefully, is something you guys are looking forward to. A new Snapshot is also on the way too so that's all nice and good
> 
> No warnings except that suicide will be talked a bit about but I'm sure you guys figure that  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“I’m going to give you a cup and you’re going to pee in it for me.”_

“…mama a scare, hon.”

“Huh…” Joseph slurred through his haze. Where was he? Was he even awake? His head felt fuckishly heavy; even his body did. Forcing his eyes open was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. And, fuck, he’d done a lot of hard things. Focusing his vision once he was able to get his eyes open was even harder. His surroundings were blurry no matter how much blinking he did to clear it.

So he closed his eyes back up.

“C’mon, baby boy, I know you’re there.”

Who the fuck was talking? What the fuck had even happened?

“Open, sweetie.”

Okay, so this person liked to use pet names even more than his mother. Jesus. “No…”

A warm hand held his and brushed his hair back. “Open up.”

Forcing his eyes open all over again, Joseph blinked harshly at the sudden light. Jesus, it was bright. Was he dead?

“No, baby, not dead. Close but not yet. And that’s a blessing, baby boy. A beautiful blessing.”

She kept calling him baby and he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that. Only his mother was allowed to call him that. Not that she loved him anymore so maybe he didn’t get that anymore. “’S’not a blessing.”

He was supposed to die. Joseph had shoved so many pills down his throat, he should have fucking died. But it seemed that he was even a failure at that.

Lovely.

The warm hand smoothed his hair back again. Joseph refused to turn and look at whoever this was. He didn’t mind the touching since it was very obviously a woman. It wasn’t some man exposing or touching him.

Expose.

Awareness suddenly blinked on.

His arms were bare. His head was bare.

Panic started rising from the volcano deep inside as he suddenly sat up and glanced around in panic. Hospital room? Fuck. But that wasn’t a problem now because he needed his sweatshirt like now. The woman, it seemed, was probably his nurse and he couldn’t place her at the moment but she reminded him of someone.

When his sweatshirt wasn’t in sight, Joseph’s breathing became shallower and the sirens wailed. He was naked and the whole world could see his nasty whore body. The nurse touched him, probably to calm him, but it just made him worse.

She was going to use him. Just because she wasn’t a man didn’t mean she wouldn’t take advantage of him.

“Alright, hon, calm down. It’s okay,” the nurse said softly, making sure she wasn’t touching him in any way. “Tell me what you need.”

Not what was wrong, what he needed. His brain was trying to tell him she was a good guy, on his side, because she wanted to help. Need. He needed. “I-I…”

“There we go. Tell me what you need.”

A door opened – his door? – and suddenly his mother was there.

Holding a black sweatshirt.

She may not love him but she knew him and what he needed.

Walking over, she stopped beside his bed and held up the sweatshirt. “Nice and fresh.”

Joseph wondered how he looked after having shit in his system because she looked terrible and she was the one who hadn’t actively tried to die. Her face was puffy, her eyes red and raw, her nose blistered from too much tissue use. But he said nothing of this, simply took the offered article of clothing with a shaky hand and slipped it on.

Now he felt okay. Or at least, a little better. Not exposed, not revealed. Just nice and covered. A little dirty from his time in the light but he could scrub later. The feeling wasn’t overwhelming. Or maybe he was too foggy from drugs to really decide how dirty he was. “Thank you,” he whispered.

A soft smile came on her face and Joseph prayed that he wasn’t just imagining it. It was her nice smile, the one he loved more than anything. The one that he had lost after losing her. “Welcome. Better?”

He loved how she knew not to ask if he was okay. It was such a stupid question. People maybe got better but they were never just okay. “For this specific thing, yeah.” The IV wire was stuffed under his sweater, making him pretty uncomfortable but at least he was covered. When he tried to fix himself in his bed, he realized how wrong he was.

Yeah, no at least here. It was bothersome as fuck.

“Can you help me fix the tube thing?” Joseph asked his mother softly, praying that the smile she had given him wasn’t the only thing he was going to get today. She was a mother, goddammit, they weren’t supposed to abandon their children.

Because then children like him ended up dead.

Or they tried to.

“I can help you with that, hon,” the nurse said with a huge smile that Joseph decided he liked. He was a smile type of guy. “You don’t have to take off the sweater but pull out your arm for me, alright?”

Even that made him uncomfortable but it was just the two women and the nurse seemed alright… “Um…okay,” he murmured as he slipped his arm out, holding it up for her. Joseph watched as she worked quickly, pulling out his IV with careful precision before sticking it back into the top of his hand once his arm was back in the sweater. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she smiled as she helped him get comfortable in the bed. Joseph had seen a few people in hospital beds before and he always wondered why they complained when the bed didn’t look so bad.

His apologies. These beds were terrible. Although, the pillow wasn’t too bad. He sunk into it nicely where he didn’t have to meet his mother’s face. He _couldn’t_ meet her face now that the panic was over. She’d want to know why and while Joseph had an answer, he couldn’t find a way to word it for her. Granted, he had done as much by writing on his wall but saying it face to face was way different.

“Now, Ima go get my things so we can check your vitals and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Joseph would really prefer that the nurse stayed because then it wasn’t just him and his mother but something told him the nurse knew exactly what she was doing. When the door shut quietly behind her, Joseph kept his face towards the window, not facing the woman he couldn’t.

A sigh escaped his mother but she surprisingly said nothing. That was fucking rude; she was supposed to express her delight at having him back, not sitting there in silence like a fucking bitch.

“Don’t rush to welcome me back,” Joseph couldn’t help but snort because the silence was pissing him off now. It wasn’t enough that she had been a part of the cause of this but she had the fucking nerve to keep her mouth shut too.

“For someone who didn’t want to be his father, you sure are.”

Turning his head as fast as he did made his head throb with dizziness. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Not even looking his way because she was such a fucking coward, his mother replied “I must have done something horribly wrong in life for God to give me two manipulative abusive men. Not one, but two. A husband who knows how to hurt even when he compliments and a son who’s just as talented. I must be such a horrible human being to deserve this.”

Being equated to her bastard was not something he appreciated. At all. “I seem to be missing your point. And your supposed relief at having me alive. Not that I wanted to be but I must’ve done something terrible too because I got stuck in this bullshit world.”

“My point,” she murmured without an ounce of emotion, “is that everything is always about you. Or him. No one ever wonders how I feel or how I’m doing. But I’m supposed to just smile and love and keep my mouth closed. Take what I’m given. And I’m so sick of it. For you to actually believe that I don’t care that you’re alive is such bullshit. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

Getting equipment to check his vitals was sure taking a while. The nurse probably went for fucking lunch while she was at it.

Biting her thumbnail while staring at the wall opposite of them, she added “It’s funny. I thought I’d cry once you were awake but it seems I used all my tears for when I found you. Or how about while I was sobbing on the phone with the operator while she was trying to tell me how to help you? Oh wait, no, it must have been in the ambulance, holding your cold hand and begging you to wake up. Actually, wait, wait, no, they were definitely used up while I was sitting in the hospital hallway waiting for them to tell me the news. Dead? Alive? Maybe brain dead or damaged? They even gave me my own tissue box. It ran out in seconds.”

Well, the tissue use would explain why her nose had looked so terrible.

“And yet,” his mother continued, her voice finally showing some feeling as it broke on her words, “yet you have the nerve to imply that I don’t care? You dare?” Arm perched on the armrest of the chair she sat in, his mother rested her head in her palm, soft sniffles coming from her. “Baby, if you had died I swear to God I would have killed myself right after you.”

“That’s not funny,” Joseph snapped. It didn’t matter if he died, he wasn’t worth anything to this world. But the thought of her dying? Her killing herself?

“Do you think it’s funny for me to find you unconscious on the floor?” she whispered, her face still turned away. “You’ll never understand what that feels like. Nor do I want you to. Ever.”

He hadn’t taken the time to think in his last minutes. All he had known right then and there was that he was so alone that he couldn’t even hear the usual birds who sang in his backyard. Joseph was the loneliest, nastiest, most horrible person alive and he didn’t see why he had to deal with that anymore. All these years of pressure and hell. He had just wanted relief.

Just a chance to breath freely.

Tossing the pills into his mouth had felt like that. Like suddenly the pressure was going to go away and the weight would be lifted off his shoulders. The memories would be erased. All of them; he didn’t even want the good ones anymore. They only served as a reminder of everything he had lost now.

Joseph wanted to feel okay just once. Not better but actually okay. Just for once in his miserable life, even if it was because it was over.

Only once. He wasn’t asking for a lot.

They both sat in silence, neither of them bothering to speak anymore. In all honesty, Joseph just didn’t know what to say. Her words had cut deep and opened his eyes to the reality of how it was true. He did expect her to smile. He expected her to love him. He expected her to always forgive him. She was a mother and he had always figured that she was doing her job.

But motherhood wasn’t a job. It wasn’t a requirement. It wasn’t a duty.

It was done because of love. And if she didn’t love him then she wouldn’t have spent so much of her life trying to build one for him. Caring for him. Doing things for him.

Making things better.

_“Look,” he cried as he held out his new truck. He had been driving it outside through the dirt because it had to deliver the new load for his new farm when the back stick holding the wheels broke off. “I’s not gonna work no more.”_

_Taking the truck and stick with wheels, his mother glanced at both before smile. “I think I have an idea, Mr. Farmer. We’ll have your truck up and running in minutes.”_

_“Really?” Joseph replied in hope, bouncing up and down in their living room._

_“Of course!” she exclaimed before taking his hand and walking them to the kitchen. Opening a drawer, she pulled out a tube of something. Glue maybe? “This here is a magical glue. Your truck will be able to deliver his load in no time.”_

 

_“Look, I’m bleeding!” Joseph said in panicked amazement as he ran over to her, his finger held high. It was so weird seeing his blood outside where it wasn’t supposed to be. “Mama, blood!”_

_She didn’t look worried at all. That was good because if she had, Joseph would have been even more scared. “Let’s see,” she murmured as she took his finger softly in her hand. “What’d you hit it on?”_

_“The edge of the slide.” It had been rainy and snowy for weeks and finally today had a little sunshine. He’d been dying to come play at the park._

_“Hmm,” his mother hummed as she opened her purse and took out a tissue before wetting it with her water bottle. “We’ll fix you right up, good sir! Playtime mustn’t be halted!”_

 

_Hugging him tight to calm him down after a screaming match with his nightmares, his mother whispered “Better?”_

_Joseph nodded into her chest as they sat in his bed, the light of his bedside lamp glowing. He wasn’t as scared anymore but… “Can you keep singing for me?”_

_“Of course! Who do you think I’d rather sing for?”_

 

_“There’s no fixing it, mayko,” Joseph mumbled into his pillow in depression. He was never careless with books and yet he had ripped a page from The Hobbit. He still didn’t even know how._

_Literally ripped it out._

_“Don’t question your mama’s skills,” she laughed as she sat on the edge of his bed. She had taken out another sheet of paper, tape, and even glue but Joseph had no idea what she was thinking. After five minutes of silence besides the sound of her working, she said “Okay, look.”_

_Turning in sadness, Joseph’s eyes went wide. The page was fixed. It looked a bit odd but it was still readable and the book could close. “Wow…thank you!”_

 

_“Tell me what you need,” she whispered as she crouched down, peering at him where he was huddled in the small space between his dresser and the wall. He hated this new house. It’d never be home._

_Blinking at her, he murmured “I don’t know.”_

_“Ah,” his mother smiled softly as she sat down, trying to squish herself with him. “But I do.” Wrapping her arms lovingly around him, she kissed his head and said softly “Hugs make everything better.”_

_Falling into her, Joseph could find no way to disagree._

 

_“Good?” she asked once she shut off the main light to her room. There was a soft glow from the bathroom and the lamp she had left on._

_He took a minute to look around the room again before he nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”_

_“Perfect,” she replied while coming to join him in her ginormous bed. Calm washed over him when she kissed his forehead and whispered “Now close your eyes, my beautiful boy, and sleep. I’m not going to let anything happen. Promise.”_

_He’d laugh at anyone making a promise like that but lying here with her and the love in her eyes, Joseph believed it. She’d keep him safe no matter what. “You’re the best, mayko.”_

“Can I have a hug?” he whispered, on the brink of tears because he was afraid of being rejected. He hadn’t even asked for forgiveness and he was already asking things of her. God, he was such a horrible human being. “Please?”

When she didn’t immediately get up or say anything, Joseph gave in to his pain and let his tears fall. Closing his eyes, he cried into his hands, ready to beg her.

But before he could, her warmth and scent engulfed him, a kiss being pressed to the top of his head as she brushed back his hood. Joseph was worried this would be his only chance so he wrapped his arms around her quickly, practically squeezing the life out of his mother as he cried into her.

Rubbing soothing slow circles into his back, she whispered “Things will get better, sweetheart. We’ll get there. We’ll get there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	42. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So next week we will be getting back to two chapters a week! Hooray! The opening reception for my senior show was Friday and I'm just like dead and exhausted. If anyone is looking for a graphic designer, hire me haha.  
> I have a huge final tmrw and a paper and group project Tuesday and then another essay final Wednesday and someone just kill me now.
> 
> In case anyone was curious, I didn't get accepted to the zine. Bummer but oh well. I'll try again for others.  
> And...yeah  
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“Dude, you read literally everything, down to the ingredients in my energy drinks.”_

“You’re more like a puppy than the Rottweiler I had always made you out to be,” his nurse, call me Gwen, hon, laughed softly as she strapped on the cuff to check his blood pressure. Being exposed was still a major issue but he didn’t mind with Gwen.

“Wet behind the ears,” his mother agreed with a humorous snort as she read a magazine, sitting in the chair beside his bed.

Shaking his head which didn’t throb as bad as it did yesterday, Joseph replied “I don’t even understand what you people are saying.”

Laughing in such a hearty way that, for some odd reason, made Joseph want to hug her, Gwen said “Baby boy, I live here just like anyone else. I’ve got four kids – three in high school. I know what the name Kavinsky is. Never seen nor known the boy attached to it though. One of my twins told me once she met you though. But I can’t seem to attach what I’ve heard to who I’m seeing.”

Joseph scrunched his forehead both from the constricting of the cuff and because that’s what happened when you thought with a fuzzy head. Wouldn’t he remember meeting twins? Although, she did say he had met only one… “I met one of your kids?”

“According to my baby Eva.”

Oh. That’d explain the familiarity then. Joseph had wondered if he had seen Gwen around town or something and that was why she was familiar but it seemed that Eva had similar features to her mother.

Also, Eva had a twin? He couldn’t help but wonder if they were identical or not. If they were…how did Liam decide which he liked better?

“Ah,” he nodded in reply, “Eva. Liam’s girl. She’s terrifying.” A huge boom of laughter erupted from Gwen as she undid the cuff after reading the numbers on the machine while his mother chuckled softly, still focused on her reading. “Well she is. Swear to God, I thought she was going to hit me on Liam’s behalf. No joke.”

“Friend not friend Liam?” his mother asked curiously, flipping a page to her magazine.

“No, hon, no,” Gwen lamented to Joseph as she shook her head while getting his temperature. “Liam’s a sweetheart even though a little stupid sometimes. I think his status needs to be upped.”

Explaining to Gwen that he wasn’t looking friends would probably just launch her into some kind of speech, so Joseph said nothing as she continued her work. Liam was nice, that wasn’t wrong. There was a decent person inside him that Joseph liked and didn’t mind spending time around.

But that was before. He wasn’t so sure he’d be able to handle even looking at Liam anymore. It was wrong and irrational to blame him for…for the thing that had happened but Joseph’s brain didn’t care. If there hadn’t been alcohol, if Liam hadn’t left, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. But then…maybe it would have anyways. The blame was on Joseph’s shoulders so wouldn’t that imply that it would’ve happened anyways?

He was the root of the problem. It had been and still was his fault. Liam being there or not wouldn’t have changed a thing. No fault laid at Liam’s feet.

“Where’d he sleep?” he said suddenly, realizing that Liam had never come back that morning. He’d gone to fuck like a bunny and had never returned. Joseph was a hundred percent sure that bunny fucking had not occurred.

“Who, hon?”

“Liam. He was supposed to fuck like a drunk bunny. Shit.” Well, there goes the cover of no beer. His mother had never asked about the sleepover because of the obvious mess that had happened so Joseph had figured he’d be in the clear on that end.

Great.

“Knew it,” his mother sighed, literally still reading her magazine. It was a National Geographic special about some ancient civilization so her nose wouldn’t be out of it anytime soon. “I’m not an idiot, Joseph. As if I wouldn’t have known that prep school brats would bring alcohol.”

“I didn’t drink,” Joseph lied quickly. Their relationship was so up and down and being that they had just hit peace, he had no intention of it going down right now.

“Such a cute puppy,” Gwen snorted in amusement as she packed up her stuff. “As for Mr. Liam, he crashed on our couch. My Eva was very unamused.”

Letting out a snort, Joseph said “I’m not surprised. It was terrible idea.” Not that he remembered much from it anyways; he wasn’t exactly a heavyweight drinker yet.

Yet?

Hmmm.

“I’ll be back to check on you later.” His amazing nurse was making it sound like she didn’t come in literally every ten to fifteen minutes. Joseph had never met such an attentive nurse. Mrs. Vidal was amazing at her job but he couldn’t remember her going this far. “Mama, can I have you for a minute?”

Joseph looked between the two women in confusion. “Why can’t you just say it in front of me?”

“Because it’s for mama’s ears, not yours, baby,” Gwen smiled with an amused glint in her dark eyes.

“Rude.”

With a snort to his reply, his mother saved her page and set her magazine on the bedside table before getting up and kissing him on the forehead. “Be right back.”

Since he had awoken, she hadn’t left his side. And if she had, it had to have been while he was sleeping. Now with the thought of her stepping out, even just for a quick minute, it bothered him. He’d prefer that she stayed by his side the whole time. He couldn’t stand being alone because he knew he’d get lost in his fucked-up head. “You’ll be fast?” he asked quietly, getting lost in her beautiful emerald eyes. “Right?”

“Of course,” she whispered softly, pressing another kiss to his head. Brushing his hair back, his mother added “I’ll be right back. No worries.”

 

* * *

 

“What’s up?” Vesela asked Gwen the minute they stepped out. She didn’t want to leave Joseph any longer than she had to. She could tell how worried he had gotten just from that thought.

Pulling her over to two vacant chairs lining the wall, Gwen sat them down. The seriousness in her gaze made Vesela worried. Was there something wrong with his vitals? “Let’s talk about a few things. First, I think I’ll put in the request to either lessen or completely remove suicide watch. From what I’ve observed and what you’ve said you’ve seen, I’m feeling fairly positive in removing him. Now, that does not mean we don’t pay attention. Those wounds on his arms are extreme, Vesela. He’s being eaten on the inside and that seems to be his way of coping.”

Yeah, she was more than aware of that. He’d been doing it for years, not to the extent of his recent crazed session, but Vesela had never found a way to prevent it. People literally thought it was just that easy to hide sharp objects from a brilliant child. “I know.”

Gwen nodded in thought. “And?”

“And nothing,” Vesela sighed heavily, dropping her head into her hands that were perched on her knees. It was so hard to admit failure about normal things, not to have to admit it when it came to her only child. Thank God she had never had more because it was hard just handling her one. She was pathetic next to Nikol or even Claudia.

“Talk to me, mama.”

“I don’t know,” she ground out in frustration. “I’ve tried so many things and nothing helps. Even if it does for a little, it never lasts. It’s never enough.” And it never was. No matter how hard she tried, what she tried, Vesela always failed. She was a failure of a mother who had no idea how to help her beautiful boy. “I’m so useless,” she couldn’t help but whisper, “I don’t know how to help anymore.”

“Blessed, mama, no,” Gwen said softly as Vesela felt her cup her shoulder. “Vesela, if he thought you were useless, do you think he would have cared if you left that room? If you were useless, would you have known what he needed yesterday when he had first waken up? Which brings me to our next topic actually.”

“Let’s hear it,” Vesela muttered in resignation. More failures to her list.

“I want to talk about that little panic attack he almost had. Most people worry a little when they suddenly wake up in a hospital but that’s not what scared him. It was being in a hospital gown. It was being underdressed.”

Vesela had read about that a lot on various sites. Some rape victims felt too exposed, felt like their bodies were on display for all to see, and they needed to cover up.

Dear God, her baby was very possibly a rape victim.

“Okay.”

“Okay, well, mama, that’s not normal. I’ve seen that, sadly, a few times before. Mostly after a sweet girl has shoved a Plan B pill down her throat.”

Shutting her eyes, Vesela took in a careful breath. All Gwen was doing was reaffirming her suspicions. And while wanting to know for certain what had happened to Joseph was killing her, she didn’t want it to be true. “I know.”

“Mama who pays attention, good, very good.” Despite herself, Vesela couldn’t help but smile smugly at the praise. She always paid attention to his behaviors. It was the only way she could keep tabs on how well he was doing. “Most mamas don’t or call them phases. Now when’d you start noticing this?”

“When he came back from the sleepover,” she whispered in answer. Now she was for sure Liam hadn’t done anything. Not only because it seemed that the kid was pretty good but he hadn’t even been there after a time.

Realization hit her in seconds. But that had left Joseph possibly alone with the other kid. Was she onto something?

“Mama, I don’t live with you. I don’t know about no sleepover.”

“When Liam went to go fuck your daughter like a bunny or whatever.” She didn’t believe for a minute that Joseph hadn’t drank. But there were far bigger issues than alcohol right now.

Gwen’s grip became tighter. “Vesela, that was only a few days ago. This is the first record of him being in a hospital here in Henrietta.”

“I know,” she repeated for the thousandth time. She knew all this, dammit, but what the hell was she supposed to do? If he wouldn’t talk, there wasn’t much Vesela could do. How was she supposed to start a conversation like that? ‘Hey, Joseph, did you by any chance get raped at the sleepover?’

Yeah, that’d totally work.

The nurse was silent for a time before she murmured “Do you know if the possible assault was unprotected?”

Thinking about her child having sex was gross because mothers did not need to know details. But thinking about the fact that her son might not have only been raped but raped without protection?

Jesus help her, she was going to be sick.

“I don’t know anything,” Vesela groaned. Lord, she was such a horrible mother. “I don’t even know if he was…if…if he was…”

“Raped?” Gwen supplied softly.

Rubbing her face with her hands and trying to get control over this oncoming headache, Vesela replied in a quiet voice “Yeah. I just know what I’ve noticed and what I read online. It sounded pretty accurate. So no, I don’t know if there was a condom or not.”

Fuck. What if he caught some disease?

Shit.

Her head flew up as she stared at Gwen in panic. “What are the chances of some disease? Infection?”

“Well, mama, it depends on if a condom was involved. You said you don’t even know if the assault happened. But like you, I believe it might’ve from his behavior. Have you ever noticed-”

“Him obsessively cleaning himself because he thinks he’s filthy even though he used the whole bottle of body wash?” Vesela interrupted. “Yeah. So now tell me how we can get him tested because I have no idea about a condom and I’m not taking chances.”

With a huge smile of approval that just made Vesela literally beam on the inside, Gwen replied “Well, I imagine that since he hasn’t told you anything, that we shouldn’t tell him what we’re screening for. I’ll just need a urine sample and a couple tubes of blood.”

“Easy,” Vesela shrugged in relief. Thank God that was all it took. “Tell him you want to make sure the drugs are out of his system.” 

 

* * *

 

“What are these for again?” Joseph asked curiously as he watched his blood fill up a little tube. It didn’t make any sense to him why he needed more tests when they had already flushed out his stomach. There were no more drugs in his system now; the saline drip they had him hooked up to didn’t count.

“Just gotta make sure you’re all cleaned out,” Gwen replied as she filled the last tube. Three tubes so three tests? He felt a little light headed but Joseph was sure he just needed to get a little more sugar in his system. “I’m going to give you a cup and you’re going to pee in it for me.”

Fantastic. Peeing in a cup. So cool. “Okay but why?”

“I just told you why.”

“Right,” he murmured as he took the cup he was offered and slid off the bed. That didn’t make any sense at all. They had cleaned out his stomach yesterday and checked him too. Why would they suddenly want to do more tests?

Shutting the bathroom door behind himself, Joseph looked at the cup in his hand in distaste. Why’d they have to make these things clear on purpose? As if his mother needed to see the color of his piss. “She’s seen everything else already. Why not add pee while we’re at it,” he muttered as he pulled his underwear down and did his duty.

No pun intended.

Walking back out and thankful that he had actually needed to go, Joseph stared at his piss. “Is it healthy?” he asked Gwen when he handed it over, his mother helping him back into bed. Stuffing pills down your throat and then having them forcibly flushed out made a person weak, apparently. “What color is it supposed to be?”

“I’ll let you know if it’s healthy when we do a couple tests,” the lovely nurse laughed, “Not before, baby boy.”

They needed that many tests to see if he was clean? Joseph was definitely missing something as he watched Gwen walk out. Turning to his mother, he gazed at her as she read. There was no way she didn’t know. “Mayko, what are the tests for?”

“Make sure you’re clean,” she murmured in reply as her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and Joseph saw a photo of Ivo. He wondered if she’d tell him what had happened. The rule was that Joseph wasn’t a topic between them anymore but he had to admit that he was curious if the bastard would care. “I’ll be right back.”

“Not long?”

His mother shook her head before kissing him and opening the phone, walking out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	43. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy 500 hits! Awesome! I usually like celebrating milestones but alas, I haven't anything to give this time. Transitioning back to writing after not being allowed to for so long is not easy. But I will (hopefully) have something extra for you guys on Thursday.  
> Thursday? Yes, because we go back to twice a week! Huzzah!
> 
> Enjoy and thank y'all for being awesome readers
> 
> _“Don’t fuck with God, bitch.”_

Sighing, Vesela plopped back into the chair she had been in not too long ago. Joseph was way too hard to fool; it was a good thing Ivo called when he did. “Guess my money made it?”

“Made it but you apparently haven’t been home since yesterday? He said he kept coming back but no one ever answered. He’s staying in a motel for now. Apparently, the town you’re in is hideous according to him.”

Vesela couldn’t help but laugh – her first real one in such a while. “It’s not that bad. More country than I’m used to but it’s not hideous. Tell him not to be ridiculous.”

“You can tell him when you see him,” Ivo said carefully, “So where are you?”

That minor happiness she had gotten from that little laugh evaporated in seconds. Ivo was Joseph’s father, dammit. He deserved to know. Plus, Joseph wouldn’t be able to found out that she told anyways. It’s not like he was talking to anyone. “Well, the hospital actually.”

Even though Ivo had been struck silent, she could hear the panic in the quiet. It was amazing how you could be attuned to someone as well as you were with yourself. “Hospital? Are you okay?”

Would the panic be the same if he thought it was Joseph and not her? “Not me. Joseph.”

Another panicked silence but there was also a tinge of annoyance in it. At least she knew that, yes, it still mattered no matter who it was. She could imagine Ivo grabbing the bridge of his nose as he said “Lemme guess, you told Nikol but I didn’t deserve to know shit, did I? Because I’m not his father-”

“I haven’t told anyone, Ivo,” she interrupted before he went off on some tirade. If he really did care so much, why couldn’t he just apologize? Why couldn’t he accept Joseph? Vesela knew that it wasn’t that simple but…

Sigh.

Nikol was going to go insane when Vesela got around to telling her. She’d tell her to come back, that they could fix the mess together but Vesela knew that just like Ivo apologizing, it wasn’t that easy. Her sister would probably also complain how Vesela waited so long to tell her but that wasn’t her problem. Her focus had been Joseph, was still Joseph, not everyone else. Plus, she had been way too broken yesterday to get on a phone. “I haven’t exactly had the time or even the strength so please just shut up.”

He actually shut up. She forgot that he actually listened sometimes. “Can you tell me now?”

Taking a deep breath because while it had been playing on repeat in her brain, Vesela had yet to say the words out loud, she whispered “He tried to kill himself.”

It was funny how whenever she expected silence, he spoke instead as if to always prove her wrong. She knew he didn’t mean it that way but somehow, it just happened. “Kill himself. Suicide.” He sounded so dumbfounded like the scenario wouldn’t sit in his head.

“Yup.”

“How?”

“Pills. Locked himself in his bathroom which he literally never locks. I totally imitated the way you kicked down the door that one time. Although, it hurt a lot more than it looked.”

She knew that he was surprised that she was trying to be lighthearted about it. Joke like it was any other day. “Yeah, it can be painful. Keep going.”

“I don’t feel like reliving the most terrifying moment of my life. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.” Terrifying was such an understatement to finding her child very possibly dead in his bathroom. Thank God she had gone to his room, thank God.

“Fair enough,” he murmured though she could tell that Ivo was far from satisfied with her answer, “How is he?”

A complete mess. Jumpy. Possibly a rape victim. Angry. Mean. Cruel. Everything he never was. Instead, Vesela settled for a long heavy sigh. Very long. Very heavy. She smiled at Gwen as she sat down beside her. “Alive. That’s really the best I can give you, Ivo, because really that’s it. Waking up alive was not in his plans.”

Vesela missed what Ivo said as Gwen suddenly boomed in that amazingly powerful voice of hers “Aw, baby boy, hello!”

“What the hell was that,” Ivo laughed despite the seriousness of their conversation, catching Gwen’s loud voice. The whole world could catch Gwen’s voice.

“Joseph’s nurse,” Vesela answered, more focused on the boy of the receiving end of such a warm welcome. He was blonde with some damn nice blue eyes, lean, and shorter than Joseph. The boy was carrying a box and blushing from embarrassment as he walked up to them. “Hold up a sec.”

“Um,” the boy mumbled as he stuck out a nervous hand, “Mrs. Kavinsky?”

“You’ve got her,” she smiled to put this poor thing at ease as she accepted his hand. “And you are?”

“Liam. Uh, friend of Kavin- I mean, Joseph’s.”

She never really understood the whole ‘Kavinsky/Joseph’ thing but maybe people only called him Kavinsky around here. Was that how he kept the two parts of himself separate? “Liam, huh?” That’d explain Gwen’s overly enthused reaction. “Nice to finally meet you.”

The blonde boy looked incredibly surprised. “Ka- Joseph’s mentioned me?”

Maybe this kid knew he was actually a friend not friend and not a full on friend. “Couple times, yeah. Also, apparently, your girlfriend is terrifying.”

Breaking his nerves, Liam erupted into a laugh, his blue eyes sparkling. She couldn’t help but wonder if Joseph didn’t want to up Liam to friend status because he was good looking. Maybe her son was worried what sort of feelings could be conjured up. “She can be, yeah, but that just makes me love her more.”

“Aw, hon, you so sweet,” Gwen chuckled. “Came for a visit?”

Nodding and looking nervous all over again, Liam replied “Um, if it’s not a problem. You mentioned he was in the hospital so I thought I should visit.” Turning back to Vesela, he asked “I hope you don’t mind? I’m sorry, I was being nosy and complaining to Eva that he wasn’t answering his phone and Ms. Posey mentioned that he…uh…yeah…”

It was an interesting thing when guilt suddenly flooded Liam’s face. There was something he knew that he wasn’t telling. And Vesela was sure she knew what it was. Now the question was, how much of Liam’s hand was part of Joseph’s assault? Outside of inviting Joseph over, Vesela could find none with the blonde before her.

“No worries, sweetheart, though I can’t guarantee he’ll want to see anyone. So I wish you the best of luck.”

Running his fingers through his hair in a nervous tick, Liam held the box out to her. “Can you at least tell me if my idea was stupid? I didn’t think he’d like flowers so I tried something else.”

“Ivo, I’ll call you back,” she said in quick Bulgarian into her phone.

“Whoa, whoa, hold up-”

“Love you, bye,” Vesela said as she closed the line and slipped her phone into her pocket before taking the box. Popping the lid off, she couldn’t help but smile as she looked down into the box. Liam apparently paid good attention to the people around him. “He’ll love them.”

“Really? It’s not like too cheesy or whatever, right?”

“Nah, go for it.” Handing the box back after closing it, Vesela winked “Good luck.”

 

* * *

 

Shutting the door softly behind himself, Liam took a deep breath. He had no idea how to face Kavinsky right now knowing what he did. What pitted in his heart even harder was that he was terrified that Kavinsky had tried to kill himself because of the rape. Liam wouldn’t even be able to look at himself in the mirror if that was true.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to take a while,” came Kavinsky’s voice. Liam was still standing behind the door where a wall covered him. Kavinsky probably thought it was his mother who had come in.

Side note, his mother was gorgeous. Like holy shit. And this was with her looking exhausted. She was probably beyond fucking gorgeous when she was all fancy.

He was boning over the dude’s mother. Liam was officially garbage now.

“Did you know that the Aztecs would prefer to cremate their warriors because it’d change their souls and make it easier for them to get to heaven? Sometimes they’d kill a dog and cremate it with the person so it could guide them to the afterlife.”

Did Kavinsky like history? Fun facts? Almost a year of knowing each other and Liam couldn’t say that he actually knew much about the guy. “Can’t say I knew that, no,” Liam said quietly as he stepped around the corner, coming into the main part of the room.

Jesus, he looked bad.

Disbelief glittered in Kavinsky’s eyes for a second before they hardened into irritation. “The fuck you doing here.”

Swallowing his worry because facing him was even harder than he thought it would be, Liam walked over and sat down on the chair that Mrs. Kavinsky must’ve been using. There was a National Geographic magazine in Kavinsky’s lap, probably where the fact had come from. “I heard and thought I should see how you’re doing.”

What was a person supposed to say to someone who had tried to commit suicide? I’m glad you failed? Thank God that you’re alive even though you didn’t want to be? Liam had no fucking idea. Should he just gloss over that fact?

Kavinsky stayed silent as he glared with the hardest sharpest look Liam had ever seen him give to someone. When it still seemed like he wouldn’t say anything, Liam set the box atop the magazine, careful not to touch him. He didn’t know much about victims of rape but he felt like it was wrong to touch them without them wanting you too. It was a breach of trust when they had had it taken away from them before.

_Fucking Jordan._

“I hope you like them,” he said quietly, unable to meet the glare any longer, rather settling for his lap. “I didn’t think you’d like flowers.”

No movement occurred for what felt like hours but finally, Kavinsky opened the box as Liam dared to look at him once more. He was covered in a huge black sweatshirt, the hood pulled up on his head. Ms. Posey hadn’t told him how Kavinsky had tried to kill himself so Liam couldn’t help but wonder if there were any slashes hidden under those baggy sleeves. Larger than usual he should say. There were faint scars on his arms that Liam had noticed before but that wasn’t a topic you opened up with someone either.

Pulling out the little orange plush cat, Kavinsky stared at it like he didn’t know what it was. “I heard Alan’s dad killed your cat. Also what you did to his car for it – I would’ve done the same – but I thought maybe a plush would be nice? I didn’t know what your cat looked like but this one is cute.” Actually, he’d never do that to an adult’s car but showing solidarity was good for fixing relationships, right?

He set the cat down on his lap without a word and pulled out the book Liam had picked. “Apparently my worst kept secret,” Kavinsky snorted softly as he looked over the book, reading the summary.

“If you mean reading, then yeah,” Liam couldn’t help but laugh. “Dude, you read literally everything, down to the ingredients in my energy drinks.”

“Fair point,” Kavinsky murmured as he flipped through the book. “You ever read this? Sounds pretty good.”

“It’s really good,” Liam nodded in excitement. The harsh glare wasn’t as strong…maybe…they could fix the mess between them? Liam would never tell Kavinsky to forgive Jordan but it wasn’t fair that Liam had to lose out. “Me and Helen read it together. We used to do book clubs together.”

This note seemed to intrigue Kavinsky as he tilted his head in curiosity. “Just you two?”

“Pft,” Liam couldn’t help but blow with irritation. “Not like my mother would join us. That bitch.”

“Someone’s particularly bitter today.”

Actually, it was for the past couple days because she hadn’t even bothered to call him for his birthday. It was like it didn’t matter. He wasn’t asking for extreme love and attention, he had just wanted a courtesy call was all. His father who he had never even lived with did at least that much. Helen had sent him a huge box because she was awesome and while Liam had absolutely loved it, he just wished his mother would say the words.

That was all.

“She has that sort of affect sometimes,” he sighed. He nodded to his copy of Cryptid Hunters in Kavinsky’s hand, “Good choice?” Liam had given him his because Helen had always said that giving a well-loved book was better than a new one.

Looking back at the book, Kavinsky nodded “Yeah, it sounds good. Thank you.” Picking up the little orange cat, Joseph stared down at it and asked “Is this my reading buddy?”

Liam was a cheesy kind of guy, okay? Eva loved that. “Actually, yeah. Thought, you know, good company.” When a small smile came onto Kavinsky’s face, Liam felt the weight in his heart lessen. “Look, I don’t know exactly how you’re supposed to say this but…I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“I’m not but no one ever wants my opinion.”

His jaw was literally hanging open before he shut it with a click. Well, the dude wasn’t suicidal for nothing apparently. “I’m sorry about your cat.”

“Me too. She deserved better than to be run down like garbage,” Kavinsky murmured as he turned to the first page of the book, beginning to read. “Me too.”

“One hell of a shitty weekend,” Liam couldn’t help but mutter. It applied to both him and Kavinsky although the other boy’s was way worse. “Fucking mother. Fucking Jordan.” He froze with wide eyes when he realized whose name he had said aloud. He didn’t think you were supposed to say the abuser’s name in front of the victim. “Fuck.”

Kavinsky was staring at him with wide eyes, frozen as he looked like he wasn’t even breathing. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He could change the subject, right? “So the book has a sequel and I think there’s going to be more.”

Nothing. Not even a blink. What there was, however, was the ever growing panic in Kavinsky’s eyes. Why was he panicking? Upset, hurt, scared, maybe, but why panic?

Clearing his throat like he saw nothing, Liam said “I don’t know how accurate the book is in regards to science and stuff but it’s still really good. You’ll love it.” When there was still nothing from the other boy, Liam whispered “Kavinsky? Joseph? Hello?”

With a twitching eye – kind of creepy, really – Kavinsky swallowed hard before whispering “Whatever you think you know, it’s a lie.”

Now that there was a lie. Liam had more than enough evidence and a confession. “Forget I said anything. Anyways-”

“Whatever you think happened,” Kavinsky suddenly snarled in so much anger that Liam had never seen, “didn’t happen. Got it?”

Didn’t victims go through a period of denial? Or something like that. He really should do some reading. “Okay. Anyways-”

“Say it.”

“What?”

A blazing fury was in his eyes and, dear God, how was that so terrifying? Sure, Liam had been afraid of him a couple times in the beginning but definitely not terrified. “Say that nothing happened. Say that you don’t know anything. Admit it. Swear it.”

 _Oh man, Jordan, it was definitely not just sex to him. You fucking piece of shit._ With careful words because he didn’t want to set him off, Liam said “Joseph-”

“How hard is it to just fucking say it!” he shouted with almost a literal boom. How could someone who was never loud actually have a voice like that hiding inside? Jesus.

“If you give me a minute, I can say it. Not that I believe it.” _Omigod, idiot… Fucking Liam, learn to keep your mouth shut._ Shutting his eyes and covering his face with a groan at his stupidity, he waited for the backlash that had to be coming.

“Get the fuck out,” Kavinsky hissed with so much malice that it actually hurt. “Now, you piece of shit.”

Lifting his head and surprised by the amount of vicious hate in Kavinsky’s eyes, Liam tried to think of a way to make things better. He was supposed to show Kavinsky that he was on his side but how was Liam supposed to explain that when every time he spoke, he was interrupted? “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Get the FUCK OUT!”

That got Liam to his feet because there was probably no reasoning with a raging suffering dude. He had no idea how to fix this no matter how much he wished he could. “Okay, okay, I’m going but-”

For someone who looked terrible, who was in a fucking hospital bed for trying to kill himself just yesterday, Kavinsky sure moved fast as he was suddenly on his feet. He literally yanked out the IV needle from the back of his hand before slamming Liam back into the wall, a hand on his throat, a knee to his groin. Liam wasn’t even short but next to Kavinsky, he was now.

“Whatever you think you know,” Kavinsky repeated with a nasty snarl, tightening his hand around Liam’s throat, “it’s a God fucking lie. Got it? Swear it.”

He really wanted to breath without pain, so yeah, Liam got it. Nodding to convey that message, he waited for Kavinsky to remove his hand but the other boy didn’t. But he didn’t press harder either which was a good thing.

“Whatever you think happened,” Kavinsky continued, “if you tell anyone? I’ll fucking murder you. Not as a figure of speech, I will seriously kill you. I’ll put you into the fucking floor. Then I’ll find sweet Helen and kill her just to piss you off.”

A person would think that Liam wouldn’t believe all that but there was a terrifying glint in Kavinsky’s eyes that he didn’t like. That actually scared him. Maybe Helen wouldn’t get hurt but Liam felt like he literally just might.

“Got it?”

“Got it,” Liam whispered with a burn. “I got it. Joseph, let go.”

The eye twitched again – freaky as fuck, especially now – as Kavinsky let up a little.

But he didn’t let go.

“Don’t ever get near me again. Don’t speak to me, don’t even fucking look at me. You do? I’ll beat the shit out of you. I promise.”

Welp, there went friendship. Fucking Jordan.

“I don’t ever want to see you again. We see each other in school, you turn the fuck around. Avoid me until you graduate and then get the fuck out of here.”

Damn, harsh much? Liam had really liked him. Up until he threatened him and Helen but still.

“Okay,” Liam murmured in sorrow. Deep down, there was someone good hiding inside Kavinsky. Liam had always thought that he could bring him out but it seemed that someone else would have to.

Hopefully.

“How’s it goin- baby boy, what the hell are you doing! Mama!”

Thank God. Liam had no idea how to get Kavinsky off of him without touching and he knew touching was a bad idea. He wasn’t able to turn his head very well but he didn’t have to as Mrs. Kavinsky came up behind Joseph and very carefully gripped his wrists. _My savior._

“Baby, let go,” she whispered where his ear was beneath his hood, literally on her tiptoes and even then she barely reached him. “Joseph.” Kavinsky looked conflicted as he ground his jaw. Pulling softly on his wrists but getting nowhere, Mrs. Kavinsky murmured “Sweetheart, let go.”

Grinding his jaw back and forth, Kavinsky finally snarled “I don’t want to see him again. Ever.”

“Okay,” she nodded, flicking a quick glance in Liam’s direction. He couldn’t help but wonder what she knew, if anything. “He won’t come again. Say thank you for his gift and let him go.”

Was she seriously asking for manners right now? Flicking his eyes back to Joseph’s harsh ones, Liam said as sincerely as he could “I swear.”

He must have understood what Liam was swearing to because Kavinsky eased his hands and knee off, letting Liam slide down to the floor. His throat was raw and ached so bad, not to mention his dick. He hoped it still worked.

Ms. Posey came over and helped him to his feet as Mrs. Kavinsky pulled her son back to his bed. Before Eva’s mom led him out of the room, however, Kavinsky called him back. Liam had to admit, he wasn’t all that enthused for convo right now but he stopped and turned to look at the other boy regardless. “Yeah.”

It was like he saw pain and sadness glistening in Kavinsky’s eyes. Was that…regret? “Thank you. For a lot of things.”

That was probably as close as Kavinsky would ever get to admitting that they could have been good friends. It literally made him want to cry like a complete loser.

When he got back to his dorm, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	44. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tubmlr.com)
> 
> Ramadan Kareem! May everyone have a blessed month, whether you're a fellow Muslim or not. Ramadan is seriously one of my favorite times of the year!
> 
> So, in honor of our 500 hits, I've decided to give you guys TWO chpts today! Also for being so patient last month with our sad one update a week.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“What. What do you want me to say? Congratulations?"_

Blessings came in small increments. Joseph considered not seeing Liam in weeks one of those small blessings. It was better that way; they had gotten too close to friendship anyways. Ending what could have been was the best thing Joseph had done in months besides for beating the shit out of the Jaguar. The few times he and Liam had almost run into each other in the halls of Aglionby, the blonde had turned the other way like he was supposed to.

Joseph acted like he didn’t see the flash of sadness that happened every time. He also acted like he didn’t _feel_ that flash of sadness either.

Sitting atop his car as he waited, Joseph smoked his blunt and bobbed his head along to the beat of the music he was blaring. In order for Kavinsky to get some control back, he had decided that a party was in order. These people flocked to him like a moth to a flame.

That was called power.

Also, a testament to their stupidity but that one wasn’t his problem. He even had more weight to back his name after getting arrested. Now he was the guy with anger issues who’d beat the shit out of a person. So not only was Kavinsky the person people needed, he was the person they feared. That was a thousand times better because it put so much more control in his hands. Kavinsky was infamous as he should be.

Now he just needed to keep boosting that reputation.

Keeping all the control and power in his own hands was also a big important one. He had spent too many years of his life having the control in other people’s hands and after having it stripped completely from him not too long ago… Well, Joseph wouldn’t let that happen again.

Simple.

Every ounce of control would remain in his hands from now on.

Of course, minus the times he couldn’t manage it. Like only yesterday when he had broken down in the shower because he had run out of soap before he had finished scrubbing away his filthiness. He had sat down on the tile and cried while trying to tear his skin off with his nails when his mother suddenly opened the shower door. She must have wondered why the shower had been running for so long. And being the amazing saint that she was, it was like she knew what he had needed.

Because in her hand had been a bottle of body wash.

Joseph wasn’t an idiot; he knew that there were a million things that his mother wanted to say or ask. He could read it just below the surface of her smiles or comforting words. But never did the words or questions come. She simply held her tongue about what she wanted to speak about and instead focused on everything that he needed. Maybe she didn’t get the answers from him but Joseph was terrified that somehow his mother knew what had happened. The very last thing in the world he wanted was her knowing the disgusting truth. But how else was she so attuned to his needs? How did she know when he needed what or even what he needed?

She had to know. How, Joseph had no idea, but something told him that she knew which only made him feel nastier. Besides for inside the confines of his brain when he was forced to remember, Joseph erased the…incident to next to nothing. It hadn’t happened. Nothing at all had happened.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

A smirk grew on his face as he watched people begin to file in, occupying the empty spaces of the abandoned fairgrounds. Drinks began to pop up in everyone’s hands while others occupied themselves with smokes and other substances. Joseph may be a worthless dirty shit of a human being who deserved taking it up the ass for being a fag but Kavinsky?

Kavinsky ruled the night. He ruled these people because they needed him. Feared him. Not only was he fucking king but he was goddamn God.

No one fucked with God unless they wanted to get burned.

Lighting a blunt, he slipped off the hood of his car to go do some milling with the people. Being around so many made his nerves buzz a bit but he’d manage. Kavinsky was no pussy to Joseph’s fears. And if anyone got a little too close, a little too touchy feely beyond what he himself initiated then…well, God burned them. Because people didn’t do something against God’s wishes.

Duh.

Or at least, he would if he had the chance before he was abruptly tackled to the floor.

His initial reaction was to panic because he could immediately tell that the weight above him was distinctly male. But Kavinsky didn’t have time for Joseph and his stupid fucking panic attacks so he stamped down that reaction as fast as he could. Making sure that all the hate in the world was reflected in his eyes, Kavinsky glared up at his assailant.

Alan.

_Oh bitch, have you messed with the wrong person at the very wrong time._

The piece of shit was rearing his fist back, ready to punch before Kavinsky’s brain did the first thing it could think of. Once he had flipped them over to where Kavinsky had the upper hand as he straddled the other boy, he landed his fist twice in Alan’s fugly ass mug before reaching over to where his blunt had fallen. Yanking Alan up by the collar of his shirt so that they were face to face, Kavinsky hissed while everyone looked on “Don’t fuck with God, bitch.”

He could tell that Alan wanted to snarl something back but before he could, Kavinsky jammed the lit end of his blunt into Alan’s exposed arm. With a surprised and distressed shout, Alan tried to yank himself out from under Kavinsky but no way was he letting that happen. Punching his fellow raven boy once more, he smirked atop him and took a drag of his joint before burning Alan once more for good measure.

“Stop! Stop!” Alan whined in pain. “Please!” There was panicked fear on his face that Kavinsky couldn’t help but sincerely appreciate. And the way he begged? Oh, did he relish that. There was this little itching in his mind that told him he seriously needed to make people beg more often because Lord, did he love the way it sounded. No wonder people had done it to Joseph. It sounded like music.

“Mmm,” Kavinsky hummed as he smoked atop Alan, “I don’t know… I’m kind of enjoying myself.”

It wasn’t just that begging and fear that ignited Kavinsky into excitement, but the people. People were watching Alan _beg him_. Their attention had dissipated from the party to them and while Joseph felt sick at having so many eyes on him and his body, Kavinsky appreciated it. Thrived from it because now everyone got to watch on what happened when you tried to fuck with him.

“Kavinsky, man, please,” the boy beneath him practically cried. Those silent start of tears were pretty satisfying too…

Taking another drag, he leaned over and blew the smoke in Alan’s face. “I don’t think I’ve heard you say sorry, bitch. As delectable as your sweet begging is,” he laughed as he straightened before shrugging his shoulders, “Sweets, without an apology you might be stuck down there for a while.”

“I’m sorry!” he blurted instantly. He was trying to pull his arms out from under Kavinsky which he had locked in with his knees. Obviously, Alan was very unsuccessful. “I’m so so sorry! I’m a fucking idiot! I-I was just still kinda pissed. You get that, right? It happens!”

Joseph understood, however, Kavinsky didn’t care. “Princess, what happens when you play with fire?” Swallowing, Alan’s dark eyes flicked to the blunt between Kavinsky’s fingers but remained silent. Even in the ugly light of the floodlights, the other boy’s panic was a thing of beauty. “Answer me, baby, or things are only going to get uglier.”

“You get burned,” he whispered so low that Kavinsky was barely even able to catch the words over the beat of the music. Lip quivering, Alan added “I’m sorry, I swear. Won’t happen again.”

“Do you want to get burned, Alan?” Kavinsky questioned in all seriousness. It _was_ a serious matter.

“I’d prefer not,” Alan murmured, trying not to hold Kavinsky’s gaze too long. Amazing how fast a person could be broken down with some threats. Not so cocky now, was he?

With one last long drag, Kavinsky put out his blunt in the dirt floor so close to Alan’s arm that the boy flinched thinking he was about to feel the biting burn once more. Blowing out the smoke through his nose, Kavinsky grinned wide with danger. “We don’t all get what we prefer, Alan. But I’m a nice guy. Right?” Alan nodded quickly. “And since I’m such a fucking nice guy…we can compromise. How’s that?”

Alan didn’t seem pleased by this even though he was nodding. That wasn’t very nice of him. Here Kavinsky was giving him some mercy and he wasn’t being thankful?

Fucking rude that.

Wrapping a hand around Alan’s throat to the other boy’s immense panic and struggles, Kavinsky snarled “I said how’s that. Verbal answers, bitch.”

The sensation of feeling someone’s Adam’s apple bob when they swallowed was actually more interesting than people gave it credit for. Kavinsky had experienced this with Liam not too long ago but having someone pinned on the floor made it all the more satisfying. “Thank you.”

“Good boy!” Kavinsky said with cheer, removing his hand. Patting the face before him, he smiled “Let’s find out how good you are at being a beck and call bitch, yeah?”

Turned out, Alan was pretty good at being a servant. Kavinsky said walk, then Alan walked. He said spin around, then he spun around. He told him fetch? Alan fetched.

“Such a good little bitch,” he laughed, patting Alan’s face in praise when he brought him a drink. It was Kavinsky’s second and he had to say, alcohol was definitely growing on him. He wasn’t going to lie, he watered his drinks down after making sure that no one was looking because fucking Joseph’s fear of getting drunk kept popping up. Luckily though, it just made it seem like Kavinsky could hold his liquor better anyways.

Small blessings.

Keeping his gaze to the floor, Alan simply nodded. Kavinsky imagined that being someone’s servant for the night was degrading, humiliating, and just plain sucked balls. But being in control of that servant? Jesus Christ, was it invigorating. Making someone feel as down and dirty as himself was beautiful.

Powerful.

Full of every ounce of control.

No one would fuck with Kavinsky unless they’d like to face consequences like dear Alan.

“Go ahead and have a seat,” Kavinsky added after a gulp of his drink. He was a gentleman; he wouldn’t make Alan stand the whole time. When Alan glanced up in surprise and then looked like he was about to climb onto the hood with him, Kavinsky clucked his tongue in the negative. “No, princess, down there,” he pointed at the floor, “Bitches don’t get to sit with God, silly. Have you ever heard of a whore who got to sit on a throne with the king that fucks her? No, because that’s not where they belong.”

Vicious hate flared in Alan’s eyes but was quickly dampened with shame before he slowly dropped down onto the dirt. _Serves you fucking right, bitch._ Let him be an example for anyone who thought to cross him. Then they’d at least know what to expect. Although…Kavinsky would probably change around what he did. Couldn’t end up being predictable because where the hell was the fun in that? People would end up thinking that they knew what was coming and really, Kavinsky did like a nice element of surprise.

About to ask his bitch to grab him a water, Kavinsky was surprised when a girl was suddenly between his legs. She smiled at him with a dark flush on her cheeks, probably both a little drunk and a little shy. “Hi!”

Blinking at her because she was acting like they knew each other, Kavinsky leaned back on his hands and tilted his head to stare at her. He made sure to make a show of how his eyes worked their way over what he could see of her body from the hood of the car, halting on her chest before bringing his eyes back up. Smiling syrupy slow, he smiled “Hello.”

Flushing even darker as she pushed some of her lovely curls behind her ear, she slowly rested her hands on his thighs. Joseph immediately wanted to shove her away, feeling pure revulsion at having been touched. Touched with intent. Most likely sexual intent. But Kavinsky choked that part of this human being and shoved it into a box before clicking on a lock. Kavinsky needed to fuck a girl and whether Joseph liked being touched or not, girl fucking had to happen.

Sliding down the hood a little before pulling her flush to him – barely containing his gag of disgust at being so closely pressed to someone – Kavinsky rested his hands on her butt and set his forehead on hers. The girl’s eyes were wide and…well, so fucking gullible.

Oh.

Gullible could so work for his advantage. Girls were stupid when it came to him; they thought they were getting some cool deal in hanging around him. They’d never understand how horrible or how dangerous he really was. But maybe that was better. Because Kavinsky could very easily manipulate that in his favor.

And he’d have all the power and control.

Maybe Joseph’s experience with…with sex had been…whatever. But Kavinsky’s? Damn, Kavinsky could fuck a billion girls and not once feel out of control. Or have a loss of power. They were all smaller than him or at least he’d pick the ones that were, so he’d have all the power in that dynamic. He could fuck the fag out of Joseph while keeping the control within his hands. He’d be the guy on top, no pun intended, and nothing could happen without his say or doing.

Gain control while killing the fag.

Two birds with one stone.

“How can I help your sexiness,” he whispered against her lips. From how close they were, he expected the girl to tell how badly Joseph wanted to be sick at their proximity but, proving his point, she was completely believing. Trusting.

Fucking stupid.

“Um,” she giggled nervously before sliding her hands higher up his thighs, coming to a stop right before his crotch. “Maybe I just wanted a kiss for the night? Because you’re such a nice guy.”

Well, seemed someone had been watching him threatening Alan. “The nicest. But is a kiss really all you want, baby?”

Her eyes widened while her mouth opened just a touch, like she was taking in a shocked and excited little breath. She knew exactly what he was asking. “You’re such a nice guy,” she whispered back while trying to get their bodies closer until her boobs were pressed up to his chest, “But I’d never take advantage of your beautiful generosity.”

The poor thing’s attempts at manipulation sucked terribly. Lucky for her, Kavinsky was already doing his own share of manipulating because he wanted to get in her pants as much as she wanted to get in his.

Power and control.

Gifts that he was getting back.

Tonight.

“Lucky for you,” he murmured after pressing a soft kiss to her red lips and tightening his grip on her ass, “My generosity is unending, yeah?”

Power and control.

Going back in his hands tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	45. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> _"She’s supposed to be tough. She’s always been tough. Always."_

“Where the hell have you been?” his mother asked in irritation as she bounced up from the living room couch. She had actually been calling him all night but besides for texting her that he was out, Joseph told her nothing.

It wasn’t like it was her business anyways.

“Out,” he reiterated as he locked the door and hung up his keys after slipping off his shoes. People said you were supposed to feel different after sex but all Joseph felt was gross. That was not any different than he had been feeling for weeks now.

_Pinning the girl’s hands above her head against the cushions of the backseat, Joseph pressed a kiss to her soft lips before whispering “Hands to yourself, baby. I run the show, not you.”_

_Chest rising and falling heavily with her breaths, the girl replied “However you want it.”_

_She was acting all confident but Kavinsky had a feeling this was her first time as much as it was his._

_Fuck._

_Not his._

_Fuck._

_Ramming his lips onto hers before he descended into a full blown freak out, Kavinsky focused on making sure her attention was on his mouth as he used his other hand to ‘wake’ himself up. She’d never be able to do it for him and the thought of her touching him in such a private place freaked him out._

_He’d do the hard work himself._

“Do you know what time it is?” It was one of those rhetorical questions that were meant to get a person in trouble. The best sort of questions to answer back with lovely sarcasm.

“Hmm,” he hummed as he walked past her to the stairs, “Dunno. Sleep time, maybe. I think I’d like some of that. G’night.”

“Get your ass over here,” she snapped when as he made his way up the stairs, completely disregarding her and her confrontations. He wasn’t in the mood. Joseph wanted to enjoy the fact that he wasn’t a fag for a few seconds before the disgust and shame came crashing back down on him.

Turning at the top of the stairs to face her with a huge smirk on his face, Joseph laughed “C’mon, Vesela, it’s bed time. You know that sex makes a person tired.”

Oh, did that freeze her in place.

Most boys would be embarrassed about flaunting around their sex life – lack of? – whatever, around to their mothers but Joseph definitely wasn’t. This was monumental! He had had _sex_. With a _girl. Girrlll._ Yeah, Joseph Kavinsky the faggot had sex with a girl. Successful sex too. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as he thought it was supposed to be and didn’t make him feel completely mind blown or whatever but it was fucking sex. Where he was actually able to come at the end of it.

Bam. Fag in the trash.

Finally finding her tongue after standing there looking stupid for what felt like hours, his mother took a deep steadying breath. Running a hand through her hair to brush it back, she shook her head and leaned a hand on the rail of the staircase. “I knew it.” His mother shook her head again before making her way up the stairs, passing him like nothing and making her way to her room. “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” he couldn’t help but ask, following her and coming to a stop in her doorway. He watched her pull the blankets from her bed, sliding herself in. “Knew what?”

Facing the opposite wall so that her back was to him, she sighed “Nothing. Just shut off the light and go to bed.”

As if. Joseph wanted to know what the hell she thought she knew. “Mayko.”

“Go to bed, Joseph.”

“So what? Now I’m not good enough to talk to?” Joseph asked in annoyance. Why were the people in his life so good at abandoning him? It was like their exclusive talent. “Hello?”

With a very annoyed sounding huff, she sat up and tied her hair in a bun before crossing her arms. “What. What do you want me to say? Congratulations? I’m proud of you? Hooray! Joseph had sex with a girl!”

That couldn’t hurt. Hello, he had just put a knife in his faggot. He had convinced a girl to have sex with him in a car for fuck’s sake. Not his, thank God, because he didn’t want to have to worry about cleanup but come on. Sex. With. A. Girl. “I don’t understand what the fuck you’re upset about. Would you rather I kept secrets? You should be thankful that your kid has the courtesy to tell you these things.”

If anything, she just looked far more irritated. “Oh, yeah, I should be so thankful that my child is a fucking homophobe like his father. That-”

“If I recall correctly,” he snapped, a fire igniting within him because she was always so stupid, “You’re the one who told me that gay people are nasty. That they’re gross dirty sins. And see? I’m not gay! I had sex _with a girl._ A fucking girl! I came because of a girl. I threw away a condom that was used because of _a girl._ Do you get it?”

Grinding her jaw and looking pissed even though there was something else in her eyes that he couldn’t read, his mother replied “Well, at least your smart in something. I was worried you’d go get a girl pregnant to also prove a point.”

It was like a game to her. Didn’t she understand? Why didn’t she get it? “Bitch, do I look like I appreciate your jokes? I had sex-”

“With a girl. Yeah, I heard you. Congrats. Now get out.”

“You’re kicking me out?” Joseph asked in disbelief. Who the hell was this woman in front of him? Not his mother, that was for sure. His mother was caring and kind and knew that he needed to be treated…special. In a way. He required certain treatment. There. That sounded less spoiled and selfish.

“I’m tired after waiting until three in the morning for you to show up. So yes. Let me sleep.”

“Fucking bitch,” he snorted as he flicked the switch of her light with more force than necessary before slamming her door. Fine. If she wanted it that way then she could have it. Fuck. Her. A laugh escaped him as he started to strip for a shower once he reached his room. Nah, the fucking went to the sweet girl with curls.

Whoever the fuck she was. Carey? Sherri? Something that ended with an ‘i’ or ‘y.’ Joseph really had no idea. He had been way more focused on putting his dick where it needed to go. She had even offered to give him her number ‘for next time’ but Joseph didn’t believe in next times.

_“Don’t do repeats, babydoll,” he breathed out in between sucking in her lower lip. Jesus Christ. Honestly, the sex had sucked but it was sex and he came so he wasn’t allowed to complain. He had done it._

_Veni vidi vici._

_He came, he saw, he conquered._

_Conquered like a fucking motherfucker. Because conquerors have all the power and all the control._

_Kavinsky had had all of that while fucking her. And damn if that didn’t make him feel good._

_“Oh,” she whispered when she managed to pull her mouth away from his. She both sounded and looked hurt but that wasn’t Kavinsky’s problem. He had just needed a warm willing body. “Are you sure? I thought we had a good time?”_

_Pressing one last kiss before sitting up without squashing her because he was too tall for fumbles in the back of a car, Kavinsky snorted as he stripped off the condom and tied it shut “Baby, I only needed the good time. I don’t want your undying love or whatever the fuck you think.” How gross would it be to just leave it here in the car?_

_Super gross, who was he kidding. He needed to find a trashcan. Pulling on his underwear despite how nasty he felt, Kavinsky leaned back over to the girl who was still half naked – they had only bother removing their bottom halves – and looking hurt, stealing himself another kiss. He thought that maybe he liked kisses. Kisses were fun. “Thank you, princess.”_

“Fuck,” Joseph muttered when he remembered that he was supposed to have bought a new loofah before the party because his wasn’t any good anymore. His vigorous scrubbing everyday had pretty much murdered the thing so he had thrown it away. He could just use a washcloth but he never felt that clean when he did. Loofahs were better.

Loofah or die, bitch.

Before, he would have been able to just wrap a towel around his waist and everything would be fine. But that privilege had been taken away from him. Now it was a matter of getting dressed again before he trudged to his mother’s room and hoped that she was over being a bitch. He knocked once and received no reply. Figuring that she had already fallen asleep because she actually did look seriously exhausted, Joseph quietly opened the door and walked in.

If the sound of her sniffles were anything to go by, she wasn’t sleeping.

Joseph considered just acting like he couldn’t hear her and get what he needed but he couldn’t bring himself too. Internally sighing, he walked quietly over to where she lay and crouched down in front of her. “Mayko,” he whispered, “Mayko?”

Huffing when she must have realized that faking sleep was not working, she opened her eyes and wiped her tears. “What.”

“Why’re you crying?”

“What do you need, Joseph?”

Joseph. Not sweetheart or baby. Joseph. She was still upset. Granted it was only a couple minutes past but…mothers weren’t supposed to hold grudges. Not against their children. “I…I forgot to buy a loofah so I was gonna use yours.”

“Then grab what you need.”

He wanted to say more, find some way to take out the comforting words hiding in the back of his brain but they wouldn’t come forward. It was like because he had worn the armor of Kavinsky all night, Joseph couldn’t bring himself out. He was stuck in this weird limbo of self-loathing and fury that Kavinsky capitalized on.

It wasn’t that ‘Kavinsky’ was a separate entity or personality but Joseph used that persona of himself to keep himself safe. Protected. Kavinsky was meaner, crueler, harsher, and didn’t give a fuck how he used or hurt people. His armor was all the horrible parts of Joseph on…steroids, maybe. Kavinsky was how Joseph made sure he didn’t get hurt anymore.

But lately, Joseph felt like he was merging with his armor. The lines were blurring more often than not.

Standing with a sigh, he grabbed what he needed and shut her door softly behind himself. His whole life was just one huge confusing clusterfuck that was fucking with him. Who was he? Joseph the nerd who was a fag? Kavinsky the asshole who found joy in hurting people? A mix of both with all the extra qualities in between? He had spent so longing playing roles that he had no idea how to be who he was even though he had no clue who that even was.

Originally, he had played regular old Joseph. This Joseph was straight and was the face he had worn for most of his life. Then there was the other Joseph who he had gotten to be for almost a year. That Joseph was still the same as the other except behind the scenes he got to be the loving boyfriend his gay as fuck being always wanted to have a chance to be. Then there was this Joseph here in Henrietta; a homophobe who had never been more confused and frustrated in his life. This Joseph was crueler than the other two had been but there was still some of ‘him’ lurking beneath the surface on a good day.

Then there was Kavinsky. Everything bad all the Josephs were combined into one huge fuckery of force. Fiery anger that flared when it felt like it and a tongue sharp enough to cut someone in half. An attitude that took no shit but dished it out to everyone he faced. Blinding hate for everyone and everything because it was easier that way.

So who was he really? Because while one of those roles was extremely close to who Joseph thought he might be, all of the roles played off one big lie. They all omitted one very important part of his life that seemed to run and ruin it.

The power of his dreams.

No one knew of it. No one ever would. Who would understand something as freaky as that? Only people who experienced it would understand and as far as Joseph knew, those people were few and rare. He’d gotten lucky with his grandfather but that hadn’t done him much good being that the man had died so early.

For once in his miserable life, Joseph wanted to be just that. Joseph. Joseph Ivo Kavinsky.

But who exactly was that?

Until he figured that out, Joseph knew that the funny little thing called happiness would always elude him. Dreams and a future would never come by and life would continue running him like it already did.

Until he figured that out, he’d never be in control of his fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	46. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I've officially graduated! Yesterday was my university's ceremony and I graduated with a bachelor of fine arts in graphic design and a minor in middle east studies (I'm a history nerd) as a magna cum laude. That just means second level honors out of three levels. I would've had the highest but this professor I had for three years gave me a 'strong' B in her class every freaking time. Messed up my 4.0 that woman -_-
> 
> Anyways, enjoy today's chpt!
> 
> _“Well…how do I make you untired?”_

Her prescription was ready for pickup.

Her prescription.

“What the hell has she been prescribed?” Joseph murmured as he continued to stare at the house phone in his hand even though he had already closed the automated message. Answering phones wasn’t something he did unless caller ID proved that it wasn’t one of his family. Caller ID had said Walmart and Joseph had wondered if they had ordered anything that his mother hadn’t mentioned.

Technically, yes, but not what Joseph was expecting. When had she even gone to a doctor? Was she sick? She didn’t seem sick to him… “I’ll pick up the medicine,” he decided aloud as he rushed upstairs and grabbed his wallet and phone, “Then I know what it is without her trying to hide it.”

Why would she hide a doctor’s appointment though? That was silly.

“Hi,” he murmured as he stopped in her doorway before he would leave. They weren’t at their best right now. Personally, Joseph thought that four days of punishment were plenty but the woman was on a roll in the silent treatment. Hopefully this wouldn’t be like after she found out he was throwing parties. “I’m going out for a bit. Need anything?”

Flicking her eyes up from her laptop, she shook her head before returning her focus where it had been. He was dying for her to at least say ‘be safe’ like she usually did when he went out but something told him that that wouldn’t be happening.

“’Kay,” Joseph sighed before he walked away and down the stairs as he pulled his hood up. The weather was starting to get warmer which bugged him. How was he supposed to wear sweaters in the heat? Maybe he could find those long sleeves that had hoods on them. Or at least light long sleeves and then always wear hats. That might work.

Arriving at Walmart and walking over to the pharmacy section, Joseph waited for his turn impatiently. His mother looked tired, yeah, but not ill. What could be wrong?

“Hi,” he smiled to the lady behind the counter, “Picking up for Vesela Kavinsky, please.”

“Date of birth?”

“Ten, seventeen, seventy-two.”

“Kavinsky, you said? First name?”

“Vesela. V-e-s-e-l-a.” Duh. He literally just said that. “You guys called a little while ago.”

Checking her computer, the technician finally nodded. “Yup, I’ve got one. Let me grab it for you.”

“Thank you.”

Tapping his foot as he waited because what the hell did she suddenly need to take, Joseph prayed it wasn’t something serious. Maybe it was just some ibuprofen. That wasn’t a big deal. Pain killers were totally cool with him.

“Alright,” the lady said as she set the paper bag on the counter and took out the bottle of pills to scan the barcode. “We’ve got fluoxetine for her. No refills because she needs to talk to her doctor first when she finishes them. Also, it’s a new prescription for her so the pharmacist is going to give you a consultation to relay back to her, okay?”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” Joseph replied, only half aware as he scratched his head under his hood and hat. Fluoxetine. The fuck was that? And it sounded damn familiar too. Why?

“Go ahead and sign and push the green button.”

Joseph nodded almost mechanically as he signed on the screen and pushed the button while he tried to remember why he knew the name. His mind was still lost as he scooted to the other desk to consult with the pharmacist. Fluoxetine. Dammit, it was like he knew what it was.

Coming up to the desk, the pharmacist smiled to Joseph before launching into the information. “Once a day in the mornings so she can decrease her risk of having insomnia. She can take it with or without food. It shouldn’t be stopped without consulting her doctor and if she experiences anything unusual or any sort of allergic reaction, call immediately. Also, tell her to be aware of her moods because sometimes it takes a try or two finding the correct antidepressant for a person because it can affect them negatively. And if there are any questions about the medication, always call her doctor. Sounds good?”

Scratching his head once more without trying to show how much the guy just freaked him out by telling him his mother was going to take antidepressants, Joseph nodded. “Yeah, um, yeah, good. Should she start tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow is good.”

“Yeah, great, thank you,” he rushed out of his mouth quickly before saying a fast goodbye and grabbing the bag.

Fluoxetine. It sounded familiar because Joseph had been taking duloxetine for most of his life. Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell did she need with an SSRI? No way she was depressed. Right? And what if the doctor had given her one that didn’t work for her? What if it made her sick or lose drastic amounts of weight or-

“Fuck,” he grumbled as he slammed into someone, completely lost in his panicking head. Glancing down to offer the person a hand because somehow his thin ass body had been enough to knock them over, Joseph blinked in surprise. “Fuck.”

“Screw you,” Eva snapped as she got to her feet. “Oh man have I been dying to run into you.”

“Fuck.”

“Is that the only thing in your vocabulary?” Eva huffed as she put her hands on her hips. Fuck, what if she was going to punch him for Liam? She seemed the type.

“Baby boy, is that you?”

Fuckkkk.

Gwen walked over with two others in tow. Neither of them looked exactly like Eva which meant either her twin was fraternal or hadn’t come along today. There was another kid, wasn’t there? No, but that was a boy and Eva’s twin was a girl. One of the girls came and stood by Eva and Joseph figured it was the twin. Her hair was cut close, cute little curls covering her head. Yeah, he could appreciate cute curls. Eva’s hair was gorgeous with her thick long poof of ringlets and her twin’s were short and cute.

Joseph was gay and a fag and didn’t he mention before that he was a very confusing mess? But he could still appreciate a woman.

The twin was slightly shorter which was saying a lot because Eva was already short. Not Blue short but short. Eva’s eyes were larger and darker than those of her twin with smaller boobs.

Yeah, Joseph could appreciate boobs, okay? He hadn’t really bothered with the girl he had slept with because at that time it was more important that he just had sex. But…boobs seemed nice. Maybe. Yeah, sure. He…could probably work with boobs.

“Baby boy, what you got there?” Gwen asked as she came up and hugged him tight. For some reason, he could tolerate Gwen’s hugs. Hell, he almost liked them as much as he liked his mother’s.

“Uh,” he said as he came back to his brain and stopped examining the Gwen clan minus one. The other kid with them was another girl, younger looking than her sisters. If Joseph remembered right, the brother was the oldest. The younger girl was literally a mini Gwen except her hair wasn’t straightened.

“I’ve been keeping my eye out for you so I know you ain’t been back to my hospital. That for mama?”

Glancing at the bag in his hand and then at the only other adult he trusted around here, Joseph mumbled “She’s apparently depressed.”

“So she did talk to the doctor? Good.”

“You know something I don’t?” he asked while raising a brow at her. How did that make any sense? He was her son; he should know everything that was going on with his mother before some nurse did. Well, Gwen wasn’t just some nurse, she was Gwen, but still. “Because I wasn’t told anything at all.”

Looking to Eva and her twin, Gwen said “Why don’t you guys go grab the rest of the stuff on the list? I’ll catch up. And Renne, don’t you dare start grabbing crap.”

Renne, the younger girl, rolled her eyes with a small blush tinging her cheeks. “Mama, I don’t grab extras. I told you, it’s all Eve.”

“Wow,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh even though he was feeling like shit right now, “Eva and Eve? C’mon, Gwen, you could’ve done better than that. Ow!” Rubbing the spot where Gwen had slapped his arm gingerly, he grumbled “Nurses aren’t supposed to hit people.”

Keeping a straight face even though her eyes were sparkling with mischief, Gwen replied “Hon, I think of you like one of my own annoyances. Now watch yourself.”

“He’s too much of a jerk to be one of us, mama,” Eva snorted, her arms crossed so tight that Joseph was sure that she was restraining herself from hitting him.

“And here I thought you’d say too white,” Joseph laughed despite himself. That was usually the first thing someone would go for, wasn’t it?

“Off you go, ladies,” Gwen said as she shooed her daughters away with their cart. Turning back to Joseph, she took his hand and walked them over to one of the empty tables inside the in-store McDonald’s. “Now, how you been, hon?”

Setting the bag on the table, Joseph relaxed back into the booth seat and stared at the woman before him. For some reason, he could find absolutely no way to hate this woman. Or be mad at her, or irritated, or…anything really. She was just too…Joseph wasn’t sure what the word was but she was like a second mother which was kind of ridiculous being that he hadn’t known her for that long.

And yet he trusted her more than anyone else besides his real mother.

“I’m fine, but I want to talk about mayko. What do you know? And don’t say ‘doctor-patient confidentiality’ because she’s not your patient. Plus, you’re not a doctor.”

“No, but I do give her advice when she’s looking for it. We talk multiple times a week, actually, and I always ask how you’re doing. It’s stepping over the boundary of a nurse but…baby boy, I happen to have taken a liking to you.”

His heart actually fluttered at this revelation. He was that important to someone? “Really?”

Soft smile gracing her face, Gwen replied “Really. You’re my little pet project.”

“Ha. Ha. Funny. So you know about these?” he asked, nudging the bag in front of him. That was where their focus needed to be right now. “She’s not seriously depressed, is she? She seems fine.” Besides for being upset with him currently but yeah. Not depressed that he had noticed.

Although…she did cry a lot more than she used to. And where had her smiles gone? Not to mention she literally _always_ looked tired.

Shit, was she actually depressed?

Gwen was looking at him with this pity look that he didn’t like. “Well, baby boy, sometimes life is a little stressful and we need a little help to make us feel better. I know you know that.”

Shutting his eyes and rubbing his face, Joseph mumbled from behind his hands “But she’s not supposed to be depressed. Mothers don’t do that. She’s supposed to be tough. She’s always been tough. Always.”

Calloused hands softly grabbing his wrists and removing his hands, Gwen stared him in the eyes. Her gaze was extremely intense, like damn. “Hon, mamas are the toughest but sometimes they get a little tired too. Sometimes life likes to be difficult for mamas. But she’ll get better, you’ll see.”

“Better isn’t good enough,” he griped, taking his hands back. Joseph knew that he was being immature about this but his mother taking antidepressants was not sitting well with him. It was like when she had said she would have killed herself; Joseph was the mess, not her. His mother was awe powerful not to be broken. “I want her the way she’s always been.”

A horrible realization struck him.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

The pity was back but it was accompanied by a very stern look that was accented with a tilt of her mouth and firm brows. “Baby boy, don’t you dare start putting blame on yourself. She’s just a bit stressed-”

“Because of me!” Joseph all but shouted while pointing harshly at his own chest. He didn’t give a shit if people were staring. “I’ve asked a million times-”

Grabbing his hand fiercely and holding it tight, Gwen said firmly “Joseph, you are not a burden to her. She doesn’t think that and don’t you ever. She loves you, baby boy. Sometimes mamas get tired and right now she is. But that’s okay because she’ll get better. Don’t blame yourself. Especially because you’re having your own troubles. Don’t add that as one, understand me?”

Rational Joseph said yes, he understood. But rational Joseph was getting smaller as the days went by and barely ever was able to make an appearance anymore. His mother was becoming a mess because of him. Ivo had never successfully broken her but it seemed as though Joseph might.

Yanking his hand back and getting to his feet quickly after grabbing the bag with his mother’s pills, Joseph said “I gotta go. Bye and thanks.”

He heard Gwen call him back but he didn’t have time to stop for her right now. His mother was top priority at the moment.

“Kavinsky!”

Inwardly groaning, Joseph stopped for just a second because he knew if he didn’t, Eva would hunt him down. Spinning around to find her stalking towards him, he said quickly “Make it quick, I gotta go.”

Crossing her arms with her eyes screaming murder, Eva replied “Oh, I’ll be quick because I really don’t want to talk to you but I will for Liam.” She raised a finger, “One? You’re such a piece of shit. Liam has been there for you since you got here and you treated him like a pile of bullshit. He was good to you and really sincerely wanted to be your friend and you betrayed that by being complete garbage.”

Yeah, he already knew that. But he had done it purposefully because it had been for the best. No good would come from being his friend. It was for the good of Liam that Joseph had broken it off. “If you’re looking to fix-”

“I’m not,” she interrupted, her voice joining her eyes in being ready to commit murder. “I want to make sure that you suddenly won’t go back asking him for whatever because I know he’ll be stupid enough to forgive you. My boyfriend happens to suck at picking friends. It’s not like Jordan is any better than you.”

A little flash of panic rushed through his body at just the mention of that name. So far, Joseph had been extremely lucky in not seeing him around. And he really hoped to keep it that way. He didn’t question why he hadn’t seen Jordan around because it was actually weird how he had just disappeared. But that guy was not his problem anymore.

“Two?” Eva continued, raising another finger, “Don’t mess with my mom. For some stupid reason, she really likes you. Hurt her and I’ll kick your ass.”

Gwen was literally like a second mother to him. Somehow, the crazy woman had worked her way deep under his skin and seemed to be staying there. Why would he want to hurt her? Actually, it probably wasn’t about wants because he didn’t exactly like hurting his actual mother and yet he was a pro at it.

And she was going to start taking antidepressants because of that.

Fuck, he was such a lowly sick human being.

“Anything else,” Joseph huffed, barely even able to stop himself from snapping it out. It wasn’t Eva’s fault that she cared for the people she loved. Maybe Joseph needed to take some notes. “I need to go.”

“No. Stay away from Liam and don’t hurt my mom. Now get lost, jerk.”

Lost sounded way nicer than being stuck in the world as he was.

If only getting lost was that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	47. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I've got some big news going to be announced Sunday! If you're inwaytodeep, you will probably be able to guess what is coming
> 
> Enjoy today's chpt!
> 
> _“I think we could use it. Ha. Ha. Use.”_

“Because he’s a bastard,” the girl with a pile of dark brown curls beside her huffed to the other girl in their group who sat across from them. Blue had never found joy in group projects; shoving people together to do an assignment was the stupidest thing ever. How were they supposed to be productive if two of the four were ‘besties’ and never actually focused on what they were supposed to be doing?

The bestie’s mouth dropped open. Annie, if Blue remembered right. Or was that the other bestie’s name? One was Annie and one was Mandy.

Yup, the besties’ names rhymed.

“Did…you just curse?” Annie said in shock. Blue was more than ninety percent sure that this one was Annie. “Wow…”

Huffing once more as she slammed her pencil down onto the table, Mandy snapped “He’s a piece of shit!”

“Lower your voice,” Joan muttered with a flip of her long blonde ponytail as she continued working on her part of their project. Blue wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing that she had gotten the haughty smart girl in her group. On the one hand, she got the smart one and on the other, she got the one who would break you if you went in the wrong direction. “You’re so embarrassing.”

Blue couldn’t help it, she needed to find out who this bastard was that made Mandy and her curls so angry. “Who’s the jerk?” she asked curiously, turning her head to look at Mandy. Had to be a complete piece of garbage if it made Mandy the apparent non-curser curse.

Glancing around like she was suddenly afraid that their conversation would be overheard, Mandy leaned in closer to the whole table and whispered “Kavinsky.”

“No duh,” Blue couldn’t help but snort. Her mistake because now all three of the girls were staring at her like ‘what??’ When their stares continued, Blue muttered with eyes narrowed “What?”

“You sound like we should know that meaning that you know that, meaning,” Joan paused for an epic emphasis with a wave of her hand, “you know him personally. Spill it.”

Face flaming as she quickly turned back to her work so they wouldn’t see her guilty face, Blue blustered “No idea what you guys are talking about. Where would I know Kavinsky from? Don’t be ridiculous.”

“How do you know him?” Joan suddenly asked Mandy. Thank God that she turned her attention elsewhere. Blue wasn’t sure how to talk her way out of knowing Joseph yet. “Why’s he a bastard even though _everyone_ knows that? I heard he burned some other guy with a joint. _Burned him._ That is a monster right there, let me tell you.”

There was no way Blue could explain that _Kavinsky_ burned the boy, not Joseph. They were different people. Maybe not entirely but she felt like the Joseph she had been allowed to get glimpses of would never do something like that.

Now it was Mandy’s turn to have a bright red face. Spirits, she was worse than Blue had been. Brushing her hair behind her ear, she mumbled “I know about the burns…I watched. That happened before Alan became his bitch for the night and…before I…did something stupid thinking that it was brilliant.”

Juicy gossip _was not_ Blue’s thing. At all. She was Blue Sargent. Ms. Sensible. Ms. Don’t Need That Stress In My Life.

But, man, did she want to know what the stupid thing was.

Covering her face, Mandy mumbled “I slept with him.”

 _That’s funny, I thought I killed you, pike of jealousy. Die already._ Plus, Blue had never wanted to sleep with him. For that matter, sex wasn’t even in her thoughts. For spiritual’s sake, she wasn’t even allowed to think about kissing. Even though…she may have when they had hung out.

“You what?” Annie said in such a scandalously shocked voice, covering her mouth with a petite hand. “Like sex?”

“No, like they cuddled for the night in his bed,” Joan snorted with her whole tons of attitude. “Of course, like sex. Don’t be stupider than you already are.” She pointed at Mandy, her long finger tipped with pink and accusing, “I thought you were smarter than that. You went and had sex with him? What were you thinking?”

Well, at least it wasn’t as stupid as Blue thinking that she could be friends with him. Actually, he wanted more than that.

“I thought,” Mandy muttered as she set her chin on her crossed arms resting on the table, “that maybe…you know…”

“He’d give you his heart?” Joan laughed. But she was nice enough to do it quietly, at least. When Mandy blushed and looked away, they had their answer. Blue was feeling a little smug because she had a feeling that she could have had Joseph’s heart if she had allowed it. “Sweetie, Kavinsky doesn’t have a heart. He doesn’t care for people and he doesn’t love anyone. He’s a monster hidden behind an anorexic façade that some people, for some stupid reason, think is sexy. What’s sexy about a skeleton?”

He was handsome, Blue still couldn’t deny it. Sexy? She had no idea but the parts of him hidden away where he wouldn’t let anyone touch them were definitely sexy. Because they were him and Blue had liked that. Except nowadays – not that she’d seen him recently, thank God – he always seemed to just be Kavinsky. It was like he wasn’t good enough for himself anymore.

Or maybe he was just afraid of letting anyone else in.

 

* * *

 

“Stop squinting at me,” his mother muttered from across the dining table, her bite of dinner frozen on the way to her mouth.

If staring was what it took for her to initiate conversation, then Joseph was down. He’d tried talking to her before handing over the pills to see if maybe he could just magically solve her depression. One would think that he wouldn’t be so stupid being that he had never found a magical way to solve his own depression after all these years. But he had still wanted to try. He just wasn’t comfortable with the fact that his mother needed antidepressants. Joseph _really_ didn’t want her taking them.

Obviously, his talk had done nothing. One, they weren’t on proper talking terms and two, depression wasn’t cured with one conversation. A pathetic conversation at that. So he had admitted to his failure and handed over the cursed bottle. Surprise had lit her face that he had picked them up but other than a thank you, she said nothing else.

So he in turn said nothing else.

It didn’t mean he was over it though.

Biting his lip while he pushed around a roasted potato, Joseph murmured as he turned his gaze to his plate “Do you really need them?”

“Would you prefer I wallowed and died that way?”

Talk about cruel. Why’d she have to be so mean? “That’s not fair.” Sighing as she ate her last mouthful, his mother grabbed her plate and stood, taking her dishes to the sink. “Mayko,” Joseph all but whined.

“Joseph,” she said quietly, still at the sink with her elbows resting on the edge and her head on her arms, “Baby, I’m tired. Just tired.”

Words like those were ones that Joseph knew were powerful. They meant so much more than what was presented at the surface. They were words that weighed on him for so long, a leader in his suicidal thoughts.

Simple words like those were dangerous.

“Well…how do I make you untired?” A small laugh escaped her throat, almost mocking. Sarcastic even. Getting out of his chair, he made his way over to her, coming to a stop beside her. Joseph wanted to catch her eye but his mother kept her head down, refusing him. “Mayko?” he whispered, “Mayko?”

Shaking her head against her arms, his mother said nothing. And when that silence continued, Joseph’s stomach turned into a whirlpool or maybe even the start of a hurricane. The heavy disgusting realization was hitting him for real now.

His mother was depressed. The woman who smiled and had so much cheer that it spilled to everyone around her, the woman with the brightest smile that everyone loved, was depressed.

And it was all his fault.

Eyes filling with tears of guilt, Joseph walked away, up to his room. Crying in front of her would just make her worse. As he quietly shut his door and dropped onto his bed, Joseph tried to get a hold of himself. Even if he was being eaten on the inside, the last thing he could do right now was show it. No, he needed to be perfect so she’d get better. It didn’t matter what happened to him or with him, Joseph had to hide it, bury it in the depths of his being. She’d get better if he did and while he knew that he’d never be better in his life, he could totally fake it until he made it.

What his mother needed was a seemingly okay Joseph. Then her depression would be gone and he’d have one less person on his conscience. Fake until he made. What was a little more pressure on his mind? What Joseph needed now was a way to be happy. The question was how in the world was he supposed to fake for that long? It could take a couple months for his mother to be okay. He didn’t think he could fake for such a huge span of time.

No, he needed a little something for help. Weed wasn’t good enough; Joseph needed a proper high. Something to get him nice and up there.

Something epically hardcore.

Alan’s bitch’s sister would know something, wouldn’t she? She was supposedly the hardcore party girl or whatever. “Yeah, yeah, she would,” he mused aloud, his face still smashed in his pillow. “I’m getting up, see?”

It took him another ten minutes before he was actually able to roll out of bed. But he did it, at least. Yanking on a clean shirt and sweater but leaving on his lounge pants, Joseph grabbed his hat before pulling up the hood. He was meeting with a girl but it didn’t mean anything. They could just as easily use him. Until he fucked enough of them, they still had the upper hand in the power game.

But that was a problem that could be solved. Soon. Very soon.

Grabbing his phone and wallet before leaving the room, he bounced down the stairs. “I’ll be back,” he said to his mother who was still leaning over the sink. She was definitely depressed; now that his eyes had been opened, he literally could see it in her every movement. And, dear fucking God, he was so worried for her. It was okay for him to suffer and be depressed but having it happen to his mother?

That didn’t sit with him at all.

His trip was a short one as all he had to do was walk a few houses down. Joseph had no idea where to find Alan’s girlfriend’s sister but he did know how to find Alan. He couldn’t stop the smirk that lit his face at seeing the fresh Jaguar – it practically made him want to smash it all over again.

Eh, maybe he would. Never knew. It did blow off wonderful steam.

Joseph chimed the bell only once; he didn’t need Alan annoyed before he got the information that he needed. The door opened a second later by an older woman. “Hello.”

“Uh, hi,” Joseph replied, both shocked and excited by the slight worry and fear in her eyes. He did that? He could actually make people feel like that? “I’m looking for Alan?”

Just from the way that she cleared her throat, Joseph knew that he was about to be fed a lie. “He’s not here right now. Sorry.”

“Uhuh,” he nodded as he peered over her shoulder, seeing nothing but a huge ass staircase similar to his own and an extravagantly decorated house. Taking his gaze back to her, Joseph smiled wide and acted like he hadn’t just heard her answer. “I’m looking for Alan?”

“He’s not-”

“Anna, have you seen-”

Joseph smiled even wider as Alan’s dad caught sight of him causing him to halt in his tracks. With a wide smile, Joseph exclaimed “Mr. Thompson! How are you?”

Striding forward with a purpose, he softly nudged Anna to the side. Maid? Wife? Joseph wasn’t actually too sure. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?”

Hands in his sweatshirt pocket, Joseph shrugged easily and with such a calm that Mr. Thompson was stuck staring at him in confusion. It was like the older man was wondering whether or not Joseph was the same kid who had smashed his car. “I just wanted to talk to Alan is all. Just a question about school. Is he home?”

Giving him a once over that, surprisingly, didn’t bother Joseph because he couldn’t detect an ounce of sexual nature in it, Mr. Thompson asked “For school?”

“Yessir. Quick question. Promise.”

The man probably had never looked so confused in his life. His face was literally blaring _who are you and what happened to the hooligan???_ “I’ll call him down. Go ahead and wait here.”

“Yeah, sure. Thank you.” Smart man not letting the monster that Joseph was inside his home.

Waiting took no more than five minutes, if that, before the door opened once more and Alan stepped out. Joseph smiled a greeting. The other boy’s eyes were wary – smart like his father, it seemed – as he slouched against his front door. “I don’t believe the bullshit about school. So what do you really want?”

“Your bitch’s sister. Where do I find her?”

Raising a brow and not offended in the slightest by the way Joseph referred to his girlfriend, Alan asked “Why?”

“I need something and she might have it. Or she’ll at least be able to direct me in the right direction. So, where do I find her?”

Alan was nodding slowly, consideration on his face as he stared at Joseph. “Faith lives with my girl and their mom at the trailer park. My girl is trailer trash but maybe that’s why she likes it dirty. Gotta love her.”

Jesus. How the hell did his girlfriend put up with him? Why, for that matter? “Trailer park. Cool. Got it. Thanks.” He was about to walk away when Alan called him back. “What?”

Smirking and crossing his arms, Alan laughed “Faith don’t sell, just so you know. Or at least, not traditionally.” With the ugliest sounding chortle or cackle or whatever the fuck you wanted to call it in the world, Alan winked and added “She’s a sweet fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	48. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com%22)
> 
> Big news! NEW STORY! Every Wednesday starting this one, I'll post a chapter of Life of a Forgery which is about Prokopenko and the first in a series about the dream pack. Their stories won't be extensive like Joseph's but they'll cover a couple years before Henrietta and then up until they meet Joseph. Exciting news I hope!
> 
> Enjoy today's chpt! A warning comes with it, check out the end notes before you read if you're worried
> 
> _“I wish I could tell you everything.”_

Joseph stared down at the bounty before him sitting on his bed. Was he really doing this?

He was really doing this.

Although, Alan was a big time liar – not that he shouldn’t have expected that but still – or Joseph just didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Because Faith was not a sweet fuck. At all. He had hated every second of it. And she wasn’t as…submissive? as the other girl. She wanted things her way. Joseph didn’t like that. Kavinsky hated that.

So Kavinsky made sure that he was the one taking charge.

Snorting as he picked up a baggie and stared at it closely, Joseph muttered under his breath “The dude is such a fucking man whore. Fucks Hope and Faith. Hell, I bet they’ve had threesomes.” The sisters had actually offered to have one with Joseph. It was bad enough that he had to fuck one so there was no way in hell that he was going to have sex with two.

Focusing on the Ziploc in his hand, Joseph snorted once more as he shook his head. It was funny how staring at a bag filled with cocaine brought up memories. Him telling his mother that at least he wasn’t doing something drastic like coke. Or him asking Ivo about drugs. Swearing that he’d never be stupid enough to use. Never in this lifetime or the next.

But see, Joseph wasn’t stupid; that hadn’t changed.

What he was was something else entirely.

Desperate.

Very very desperate.

And this? This white powder was going to make everything better.

It had to.

Taking a deep breath because despite himself, Joseph was actually afraid of doing this, he shut his eyes and thought carefully about what he was about to do. How bad was it to get high? Technically, isn’t that what he did with weed? It wasn’t the same, he knew that but…if he could just smile more, laugh a little louder…

Then his mother would get better. And that one small thing was all he wanted in life.

“Easy peasy,” he whispered before opening his eyes and picking up a straw. He’d gone to McDonald’s and grabbed a shit ton of straws. Apparently, they were great for snorting. And disposable was best to make sure you avoided not only suspicion but also to keep things sanitary. He had even pre-cut them all in half so he’d have one less thing to worry about.

Easy. Peasy.

Pushing the crap on his nightstand to the side just a bit so that he’d have a clear corner, Joseph grabbed the bag of coke and his debit card.

Easy. Fucking. Peasy.

Swallowing down his nerves because fuck them, he poured out some powder and used his card to line up two nice neat lines. “I can so do this,” Joseph murmured as he leaned over his rows, the straw just inside the opening of a nostril. Setting the tip of the straw at the end of one row and closing his other nostril, he inhaled deep all the way down the line. Honestly, it was weird and uncomfortable but the high was supposedly worth it, so he’d deal.

Breathing out of his mouth like he’d been instructed to do after snorting a line before going for the next one, Joseph formed one last line from the left overs of the other two and snorted that up. Breathing deep as he laid back on his bed to stare up at his ceiling, he grimaced from the ‘drip’ coming down his throat. Jesus, how was he supposed to get used to that? Super weird.

According to his research because he was just that type of nerd who researched before they drugged themselves up, it took five to ten minutes before the high kicked in. And the high should last generally at least an hour unless he had a tolerance built up. That was shorter than he would have liked but whatever. It’d do.

It was still a high and it was enough to make him smile easier.

Supposedly.

His skin was starting to feel kind of prickly, not to mention clammy.

Joseph couldn’t really say that he was a fan. Or at least, he wasn’t up until a few more minutes passed and the physical discomfort was way past his mind. He was feeling…

Kind of good.

And restless. Why was he lying down? He could be doing something or at least moving around.

Moving, yeah, yeah, he liked that idea.

Oh, he should smile for his mother. She loved smiles.

Bouncing out of bed with an energy Joseph hadn’t had in years besides for when he smashed Mr. Thompson’s car, he practically ran out of the room only to stumble to a halt. Spinning around on his heels, he went back to his bed and shoved all the incriminating magical powder into his nightstand. He’d deal with that later.

Walking with a pep in his step to his mother’s room, Joseph swung into the doorway and smiled huge. It would’ve been funny if she hadn’t even been in the room. “Hi.”

Looking up from her phone where she was sitting on her bed, his mother raised a brow and said slowly “Hi.”

For some reason, that just made him smile bigger. Jesus, if this feeling was what it meant to be happy, oh Lord, has he been missing out.

Lord.

Missing.

Out.

Yeah.

Bouncing over to her and jumping onto the bed before he scooted right beside her, Joseph pressed a kiss to her cheek as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “Do you want to do something? We should do something. When’s the last time we did something together?”

She was staring at him like he was insane.

Not insane.

Just high.

Oh, he was high.

From his nose.

That was funny.

Snorting made you high.

Funny that.

Still grinning wide and wondering if there was a way to make his eyes twinkle, Joseph watched as a small smile started to grow on his mother’s face. It was one of those smiles where it was like ‘what the almighty fuck???’

“Together?”

“Yeah,” he drawled before pressing another kiss. “I think we could use it. Ha. Ha. Use.”

Like drugs.

Ha.

Joseph was hilarious.

“We’re making things better, remember?” he added when she continued to stare at him. Why was she staring so hard? Such a weirdo.

Nodding slowly, his mother smiled wide and said “How about some baseball?”

Baseball.

Joseph was totally down.

Ha. No, no.

No.

Joseph was totally up high.

High, high, high.

A giggle escaped him and just for the fact that he giggled, he couldn’t help but laugh aloud. Staring at him funny all over again, his mother’s eyes tracked his entire face, taking in every detail. When she just kept staring and was no longer smiling, Joseph said “Baseball, mayko. Remember?”

Nodding although she was still subjecting him to her deep examination, his mother finally murmured “I remember. We’re doing something together because we’re making everything better.”

For some reason, Joseph didn’t like her tone. It was…sarcastic? That wasn’t very nice. “You don’t want to make things better?”

Sighing deep for no reason that Joseph could discern, his mother smiled – although Joseph swore it was more like she just plastered it on instead of meant it – and replied “Of course I do. Go get your bat and a couple balls. Let’s see who’s pitching skills are suffering more from our lack of practice.”

Grinning wide because hello, baseball, Joseph bounced out of her ginormous bed, bounded off to his room, and retrieved the supplies for a possibly fun afternoon.

  

* * *

 

His batting sucked.

Sure, batting had never exactly been Joseph’s forte but this…this was something else.

Something else entirely.

It was uncoordinated, half-assed, and a complete mess of a show of batting skills. And he laughed every time that he missed. Most people would just think that the laughter meant nothing. He was just laughing at himself for not doing well. Lightening the mood or something.

People would think that it meant nothing.

Vesela knew that it meant everything.

Just like she knew that he was high as hell.

She didn’t know on what but she wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t blind. No, Vesela wasn’t a lot of things. But what she was and had been for a while now was broken. Tired. Just fucking done.

It wasn’t Joseph’s fault; it would never be his fault. There was no part inside of her that would ever blame him for anything that was going on or for anything that had happened. The fault rested solely at her and Ivo’s feet.

And always would.

Ivo’s more than hers but still. She loved her husband and, despite that she knew that it was stupid for certain reasons, always would. She loved her son to not even the moon, but Pluto and back. But her problem had always been that she couldn’t find the balance between loving the two most important people in her life. It was always one or the other depending on the situation.

That there was the biggest and worst mistake of her entire life. But what was done was done; going back wasn’t something that could happen.

So here they were. Vesela was depressed and separated from her husband and sister. But what was that compared to anything and everything that Joseph was going through? What he’d already been through? Their lives were supposed to get better not worse.

Almost a year later and they were a thousand times worse from where they had begun.

“C’mon,” she laughed. She wondered if he was so high where he couldn’t tell whether or not her laugh was real. Joseph would be able to tell in an instant but maybe high Joseph couldn’t. “I know for a fact that you can do better than that.”

Smiling with his face shining in happiness – false happiness? – Joseph bounced on the balls of his feet as he swung the bat back and forth. “I’m out of practice. Not my fault Aglionshit don’t know what the good sports are. Lacrosse? The fuck is that bullshit.”

A shadow crossed his face and left so fast that if Vesela hadn’t been paying attention, there was no way she would have caught it. His high induced happiness had only dimmed on one word.

Lacrosse.

_Why?_

“Prep school. What do we expect,” Vesela snorted as she readied herself for another pitch. Maybe if Aglionby had a baseball team, Joseph would have had something to set his focus in.

Beyond drugs, of course.

It was funny how she wasn’t panicking. Joseph was taking something stronger than weed, probably only started yesterday or today, and yet here she was.

Acting totally oblivious.

But how was she supposed to act? Yell at him? What good would that do? It’d never worked before. Sit and cry? Yeah, but she did that all the time and honestly, she didn’t feel like wasting even more time of her pathetic life being more pathetic than she already was. Her life was ruined and now, despite that she was trying so hard to make it better, she was ruining her child’s.

She’d read everything that she could get her hands on, done everything that she thought could work…and well, yeah. Obviously, everything wasn’t working. It was her fault that Joseph was getting high, Vesela knew that. He probably thought that if he smiled more for her that he could get her to stop taking the antidepressants. That he could make her feel better.

Sweet of him but such misplaced concern. She wished that he’d worry about his own well-being as much as he was about hers.

“Ready?” she asked. Her son nodded, actually looking like he was trying to think through the fog he had set on his mind. Cocking her arm back, she pitched. Joseph missed but at least it looked like he had actually tried that one. “How about you pitch for me?”

“That’d make you happy?” he asked, head tilted to the side in questioning. “I can try harder.”

“Nah,” Vesela replied, walking over to him. If she didn’t believe her theory before, she sure as hell did now. “I haven’t batted in ages; I could use some practice.”

Could she reverse psychology this situation? He was set on making her happy, right? So that meant that her being happy would in turn make him happy. So…if she faked being happy…she’d actually be making him happy which would mean that…she could make him get better.

That was how the reverse crap worked, didn’t it? Vesela wasn’t too sure but it sounded kind of promising. It couldn’t hurt to try another plan. She was pretty much out of ideas up to this point anyways. She could act like she was getting better.

Fake until she made, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS/TRIGGERS:  
> Drug use - Cocaine
> 
>  
> 
> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	49. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> In case you didn't notice or don't remember, Life of a Forgery went live yesterday! It's only a short prologue being that it's the beginning but do check it out. It's gonna be a great story.
> 
> Being that I have no one to complain to and really need to, I'm just going to here. My apologies to ppl who don't want to read this. I mean, I just want to gripe about writer's block which yeah 'Sam, you complain about that all the time' but my dudes, I'm in deep. I'm just not in the writer's headspace and it's really frustrating especially now because I'm writing/rewriting/editing four stories at once - I'm trying to get this story moving a little quicker, I just started putting Proko's, and Emilio's is coming soon. I still haven't finished fixing the first story either.  
> Really, I'm just stuck plotwise with this story. I'm stumped as hell and I cringe because I'm worried about putting out boring ass chpts in the coming weeks as I try to write through my mess. I really wish I had a beta, not even for proofing, but to just have someone to help me bounce ideas out there.
> 
> Sigh. Ok, that's kinda off my chest. Enjoy today's chpt
> 
> _“So Yellow, where you been? Been looking for you.”_

She awoke to screaming.

At first, Vesela was too tired to even comprehend whatever it was that she had heard but then her brain pushed itself through the fog of sleep. Probably like most people, she had specific little sirens that wailed in her mind for certain situations. The one currently blaring loud and clear was for a specific special someone.

It was Joseph.

Later, when she wasn’t panicking and running to her screaming child, Vesela would think ‘well, who else would it be, exactly?’ It was just the two of them.

But that was later.

Practically slamming his door open and nearly tripping over God knew what Vesela dropped onto the bed beside him. He was awake now but he was curled into himself shaking violently. Ever so carefully, Vesela reached out and settled her hand on his shoulder. He wasn’t just shaking, he was crying and…

Bleeding?

Joseph had been screaming so that meant he had been trapped in a nightmare so where…

Later. It wasn’t important right now.

“Baby.” Joseph shook his head with harsh fervor, still curled into a tight ball. Leaning a little closer, she scooted nearer to him but made sure that there was still space between them. Maybe he didn’t want her touching him? “Joseph, sweetheart.”

Somehow, her voice just made him cry more or louder. She couldn’t tell the difference but it was something, that was for sure.

“I’m going to hug you, okay? You don’t have to talk, you don’t have to say anything at all, and I won’t either. I just want to hold you, okay?” If he said no, she was going to have to think of a better tactic. This was usually her go to and generally, it gave good results.

Thankfully though, she got a slow nod after a minute. Lying down beside him, she curled her body around him and held him as close as she could manage without suffocating either of them. She knew she had told him that she wouldn’t speak but he had always loved when she sang for him. “Can I sing?” she asked softly, “I want to sing for you.”

It took another minute of thinking but he nodded, his sobs more quiet cries now. As she started to sing his favorite lullaby while brushing back his hair and pressing kisses to his head, Joseph started to loosen in her grip, no longer as tense as he was. It was a lullaby so the song was short but she didn’t stop, simply kept singing it over and over like she always did until he wanted her to stop. It never mattered how exhausted her voice got, Vesela never halted until she knew that he was ready for her to.

When his cries became sniffles and he started to wipe his face in his blanket, Joseph whispered shakily “Thank you.”

Pressing another kiss to his temple, Vesela whispered “You’re welcome. Anytime. You know I love singing for you.” She liked to sing, always had found joy in it in whatever her hands were busy with, but singing for him was always different. It was more powerful, more special. It was their thing that no one could ever intrude on.

Resting her head on his, she shut her eyes softly and listened to his breathing as it steadied. Joseph put his arm atop hers, his hand clasping hers tight as she felt his long fingers stretch to her other hand. It was something he had always done – to both her and Ivo – when he was sitting in their laps or within their arms. For some reason, he had always found comfort in rubbing a finger across their wedding rings, etching every detail in his mind.

They had settled into a comfortable quiet so when he spoke, she startled a little, her eyes flicking open. “I miss him.”

Had he said something before and she had missed it? Miss who?

“And I know that I’m so stupid for missing him and yet all I want is life to be like it was.”

Ivo.

They never talked about it. Or, Joseph never wanted to talk about his father. Never wanted to talk about what they left behind; _who_ they left behind.

Hell, they barely even talked anymore.

Pulling him in closer to her and holding him tighter, she murmured “He’s your father, baby. It’s okay if you miss him. It’s okay.”

Joseph said nothing as he continued to run his finger back and forth along her ring, studying each and every detail like he always did. A deep breath shuttered through him before he wiped his eyes again. The room was dark besides for the small glow that came from the nightlight plugged in beside his balcony. He’d asked her for one after coming back from the hospital and she had happily bought him one. People would say something stupid like ‘why does a fifteen year old need a nightlight’ but they could all go fuck themselves. If he wanted a light then he sure as hell was getting a light.

Tracing patterns on his pillow after switching the hand that studied her ring for the other, Joseph whispered “Bet you miss your dad.”

A snort erupted from her unchecked, loud in the silence of the night. Understatement of the year. Her mother had died when she was only six so Vesela had never had the chance to love and miss and want her mother back. But her father had been her and Nikol’s everything. She’d give anything to have him back. “Yeah, yeah, I do.”

“I bet,” Joseph said as he, she assumed, unintentionally scratched her with his nails in the fingers around her ring as he held it tight. His nails were short but crap, did that hurt. “You think…that maybe…”

 _Life would have been better with him around?_ “Yeah, I think so.”

Or he at least would have been able to help her figure out the mess her life had become. They would have gone to live with him and he would have known how to make everything better like he always had.

Things would have gotten better.

“I wish he were here,” Joseph sighed as he stared at a picture of his grandfather he had taped on his chalkboard wall. It was one of the last ones they had taken together as a family with her father. She had to admit, she was surprised Joseph had picked a picture with Ivo in it. There was a pile of other ones that he could have chosen.

And yet he went for the one with his father in it.

It had to be horrible to both hate and want your father at the same time.

“Me too, sweetheart,” she replied, kissing his cheek, “Me too.”

Her eyes caught on the thin lines along Joseph’s neck. They were hard to make out in the dim light but they were there, alright. It reminded her of when she had found him trying to rip open his throat in his sleep. Well, rip off whatever had been figuratively strangling him.

In the real world, of course, because obviously in his dream, it had all been very real.

Those on his neck weren’t the only wounds, now that she was turning her attention to the blood she had seen when she had first rushed in. His arms were filled with scratches and puncture wounds. Nothing serious, thankfully, but…Jesus. At least they weren’t bleeding anymore but where had it all come from?

Cautiously, she traced the scratches on his neck. She didn’t want him to get upset but she didn’t want him to think that she hadn’t noticed either. Vesela tried not to ask things when she knew he wouldn’t appreciate it but that didn’t mean that she didn’t want answers. Begged God frequently for just some stupid ass answers just fucking once.

Okay, so she was a little bitter about always being left in the dark about everything. But honestly, could anyone blame her?

Tensing a little as she continued to trace the marks, Joseph shut his eyes and let out a relieved sigh before he relaxed into her. What relief she was providing, Vesela wasn’t sure, but she was more than happy to give it. “I wish I could tell you everything.”

Vesela froze.

“And I know you say all the time that I can,” Joseph continued, not registering that she had stopped moving, “But…it’s…” A huff of frustration escaped him. “You wouldn’t get it.”

Get what though? Vesela liked to think that she was pretty open-minded. Maybe she hadn’t been before about homosexuality but that had changed and so could anything else. “Try me.”

Shaking his head softly, Joseph whispered “I’m not worth the headache you’d get from it.”

“I’d take the most excruciating migraine in the world if it meant I could help you. I’d shoulder the entire weight of the universe for you, Joseph. Don’t ever doubt that.”

She hadn’t expected him to look at her so when he turned his head and studied her with those deep eyes of his that were so much like Ivo’s, Vesela had to admit that she was a little surprised. Finally, he murmured “I don’t doubt that. I’ve never doubted that and never will. But trust me when I say, I’m not worth it. Plus, you don’t want to know my demons, mayko.”

Actually, she wanted to meet each and every single one of his demons. Vesela wanted to know what haunted him, what it was that was tearing down this beautiful boy before her. “I’d love to invite them for coffee and get to know them.”

Laughter was the last thing she expected and Lord, did it sound beautiful coming from him. Resting his head beside her heart, he snorted “What if they’re tea demons?”

“Pft, you grew up in a coffee household. No way they’re tea drinkers.”

“Mayko?” She hummed as she shut her eyes. Maybe if she slept beside him, he’d be able to get some rest. “I want to tell you something but…just let me say it, okay? No…no questions or comments or anything. Just listen so I can get it off my chest?”

That was something. “Go for it.”

With a deep breath inhaled and then exhaled, she felt Joseph’s eyes flutter shut against her chest. When a few minutes of silence passed, Vesela worried that he had changed his mind. Eventually, he spoke in a quiet steady voice words that would never make any sense to her for years to come.

 

* * *

 

Cocaine was a nasty fucker.

But that obviously didn’t stop Joseph from doing his first lines of the day. He’d had a long night – a very long night – and the thought of being at a carefree high was incredibly appealing.

Joseph had been a little worried about what would happen yesterday when the high wore off and the crash arrived. It hadn’t been too bad, a bit like when he had weened himself off of his pills. That was all luck though, he knew that. Once he started to use again and again and again…Joseph knew addiction would catch up with him fast. But he couldn’t even bring himself to care. How bad would it be if he was addicted for a while? Just a little until he made his mother happy again.

Simple.

Plus, she had smiled and laughed so nicely yesterday. He had to be doing something correct.

It had a hell of an effect on his dreams though. Joseph was more than half convinced that the reason his nightmare had been so bad was because of the coke. It enhanced everything in his brain or something. Sure, Henrietta made shit vivid but last night was insane.

And not in a good way.

Putting away his contraband, Joseph let himself have a couple minutes before bouncing out of bed to his bathroom. His mother had wanted to clean his wounds for him but he’d told her that they were nothing and he’d do it himself when he took a shower.

God bless that woman did he love her.

Stripping quickly and avoiding the mirror despite the fact that he was a tad curious to how he looked, he took the fastest shower in the world. Thinking on how cocaine affected his nightmare gave him an idea that needed to be tested.

Getting dressed twice as fast as he had taken his shower, Joseph reached out for his sweatshirt before his hand paused. One, his body temp made it feel like it was a thousand fucking degrees. Two…God didn’t hide. Wasn’t a coward. Joseph wasn’t sure that he could manage being uncovered though. He wanted to try because he couldn’t let that weakness win over him forever but just the thought alone made his stomach churn.

But he couldn’t hide forever.

Anyways, today was going to be spent at his lot, not with people. In the solace of his empire…he could do it, couldn’t he? And if he did have to see someone…it would be quick. He’d be able to handle it. All he had to do was get extremely high and shut off his brain.

Easy.

“Tell me yes,” Joseph said to his mother as she passed by his room.

Backtracking, she came to a halt in his doorway, blinking at him and his still outstretched hand curiously. “Yes for what?”

“Just say yes.”

She raised a brow in questioning but she did as he asked. “Yes.”

Nodding as he rubbed the key charm of the necklace around his neck, Joseph lowered his hand and took a deep breath. “Yes.” Glancing at his mother, he smiled and said “I’m going without the sweatshirt today.”

Shock lit her emerald eyes but a hint of genuine happiness crowded in. “Good luck. Put it in your trunk just in case though, okay? I don’t want you to push yourself if you’re not ready yet.”

God. Bless. This. Woman.

“Brilliant idea,” he laughed, the endorphins starting to rush to his head. Now that he thought about it, he should definitely take his coke with him. What if he needed it? Yeah, yeah, it went with him. “I’m going out, obvs,” Joseph said as he grabbed his sweatshirt and went back to his nightstand to grab his shit. “Probs the day. Shit to do.”

His mother wouldn’t ask what exactly this shit to do was, he knew that, but he also knew that she was dying to know. Plan more parties? Fuck more girls? Smoke more weed?

The list was endless when it came to the shit Kavinsky was willing to do.

And now that he was feeling better than he had in ages, thanks went to his friendly local blow, Kavinsky was ready to start pushing some limits. Both in dreams and reality.

His eyes caught on a colorful card sitting in the back of his drawer. Pulling it out, Joseph stared down at it and couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he was going to bother seeing someone today.

Couldn’t hurt, could it?

Slipping the card into his wallet and that into his pocket, Joseph whistled his way out of his room, down the stairs, and out the house. He whistled all the way into his car, out the driveway, and on his way to the abandoned lot.

The whistling didn’t stop all the way up until he popped a green pill into his mouth, laid down on the hood of his car, and shut his eyes.

Make way for Kavinsky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	50. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> A very special thanks goes to the wonderful inwaytoodeep who has happily taken on some beta-ish roles for me. I reeeaaallly appreciate it. Thank you!
> 
> I'm hoping to have at least one Snapshot up this week, so fingers crossed that works out  
> Enjoy today's chpt!
> 
> _“Fine, be entertained. Become amused. Do whatever the hell you want.”_

Now this was a car.

Grinning like a madman as he rubbed his hands all over every single piece of the interior of the Evo, Joseph turned the key in the ignition.

The engine boomed to life.

“Yes! In your fucking face, forest!” Joseph shouted in delight before he cackled wildly. He did it. He yanked an entire fucking car from his brain.

An entire _functional_ fucking car.

It’d only taken him two tries today. The first was an epic fail in part that he had given the forest a chance to realize that he was there. Joseph had been a bit curious about the effects of cocaine so he had bothered to explore a bit.

Big big bad mistake.

The forest was not his biggest fan.

But that was okay. He had managed to get himself awake, patched up the wounds freakish evil plants had given him, and popped another pill after doing more lines of cocaine. If that was the shit that was igniting his brain to life, then Joseph was down. So he was doing cocaine. He no longer gave a fuck and didn’t give any fucks whatsoever what anyone else thought.

Except maybe, maybe now, for when his mother found out.

But until she did, Joseph was home free.

Jumping out of the car after throwing the door open, Joseph bounded all around the Evo, trying to see if there were any flaws.

Not a single one.

“Ha, ha, bitch! Kavinsky has conquered!” Going full Jersey and fist pumping, he whooped in happiness as he admired the design he had conjured up. The design was something he had been thinking about for months now, trying to come up with the perfect thing.

This, this beauty, was fucking perfect. Blared out a warning that everyone knew meant that he was dangerous. No one could claim that they weren’t warned if they tried fucking with him. “Maybe I’ll add it to my tats…” Joseph mused as he continued to admire the knife cutting down the side of his gorgeous new car.

His sleeve was growing nicely, the roses and thorns slowly working their way down. Going back after his…that thing that had happened had been a bit difficult. Drake was very obviously a man and had to very obviously touch Joseph.

It hadn’t been pretty in the beginning.

However, Joseph wasn’t a quitter and he seriously loved how his tattoos were going. He wasn’t going to give up just because he was a whiny bitch. Nope, that didn’t fly with him. After many failed attempts at being able to handle Drake touching him, Joseph had finally been able to grit his teeth, look away, and force some weird sense of trust between them.

Walking to the other side of the Evo to make sure that the wrap came out the same on both sides, Joseph murmured “Maybe on my other arm or my chest? That’d be cool.” Examining the design closely, he smiled in glee when he didn’t notice any major differences. Hell, not even minor ones. The black knife stretched across the body of the white car, splatters of greys behind the hilt.

Beautiful.

“Cocaine, my friend, you are glorious.”

Now he just needed to dream a little something for a special someone.

 

* * *

 

“Maybe.”

Blue covered her face so her groan wouldn’t come out. They were getting nowhere. Their English teacher had assigned them all into groups – dear God, why – and told them to pick a scene from a classic to perform in front of the class.

There were a couple problems that Blue had with this project. One was that it was just plain stupid. Two, she hated group projects, and three?

She got stuck with Annie, Mandy, and Joan once more.

Mrs. Lucas had said that they had worked so well together on their last project that she expected great things from them.

Uh.

What Mrs. Lucas didn’t know was that behind the scenes, they were hardly the prime example of a group. They were pretty dysfunctional in reality. Sure, they got the work done and it came out good because Joan did not go down with bad grades but still.

Uh.

“What about something from Romeo & Juliet?” Annie suggested, green eyes sparkling in excitement. “C’mon, that could be fun.”

“No,” both Blue and Joan said at the same time. Thank God.

Twirling her curls with a pencil, Mandy made a thinking face before she said “Tom Sawyer?”

Good story but Blue shook her head. “Nah.”

Joan took a bite of her burger and swallowed before spinning her pencil between her fingers. They had come to Good Burger to work because Mrs. Lucas said this was an _out of class_ project.

Should Blue ‘uh’ again?

Uh.

Opening her mouth to speak, Joan stopped when the booming of music and the sound of an engine took control of the airwaves. Blue knew both those sounds.

She knew them well.

Oh no.

Managing not to run into Kavinsky wasn’t easy. Henrietta wasn’t that large and they frequented a lot of the same places. But she had managed.

Time was up it seemed.

“Oh crap,” Mandy whispered as she stared towards the door, her eyes wide. The music and engine had gone silent and the little bell over the door chimed as a customer walked in.

Kavinsky.

Blue was probably screwed. And really, she was screwed even more because she wasn’t alone. If it had been just her sitting, she would be able to handle whatever garbage he had to say.

However, it wasn’t just her.

When he walked past the cashier’s counter and towards their table with a smile, she knew for a fact that she was utterly utterly screwed. He came looking for her specifically?

Not good.

The air went out of all the other girls as Joseph came up to their table and scooted himself in beside Blue and Joan. Why did Blue have to take the outside of the booth? Why?

Despite how much she was thrown off and still upset about how things had happened between them, Blue wasn’t going to allow him the pleasure of seeing it. Gritting her teeth and turning her head to face his stupid smirk, Blue snapped “What?”

It bothered her how his smirk grew even larger as he took off his sunglasses and set them on that stupid limited-edition cap. But once those glasses were off, something else bothered her. It shouldn’t because it wasn’t her business but…he looked terrible. He didn’t look like Joseph anymore.

This was pure and plainly Kavinsky.

Pupils blown wide from spirit’s knew what he was on, dark circles even darker than ever, and body even skinnier, Joseph was a mess. He wasn’t Joseph.

“Oh hey, Blue,” he laughed, “Long time no see.”

Mandy’s eyes were brimming with jealousy. Blue couldn’t blame her though; if they had had sex, she must be pissed that he didn’t even acknowledge her. “Hi, Kavinsky,” Mandy said sweetly. If it were Blue, she _would not_ be garnering his attention.

Turning to look at Mandy, Joseph took a second to examine her before he said slowly “Hello.”

Anyone could tell from his voice that he had no idea who she was.

Her group member wasn’t going to let that stop her though even if her face was flaring. “Mandy, remember?” Joseph blinked blankly. Blushing furiously from both embarrassment and probably anger, Mandy reminded in a low voice “We…slept together at your party…?”

“Oh,” he said, face still blank. “Right. Uh, yeah.” A laugh erupted from him. Blue knew what his laughs sounded like, had heard genuine ones, and this one wasn’t one. It was a real laugh, sure, but it wasn’t Joseph’s. It was Kavinsky’s. It was plain and simply disgusting. “Sorry, baby, I don’t remember but I’m sure you were great and whatever.”

The words weren’t aimed at Blue but they stung even her. Mandy turned even redder as she abruptly stood and rushed in the direction of the bathroom. Annie looked conflicted; did she want to follow her friend or find out why Kavinsky was here?

The latter won out as she stayed seated.

“Sensitive bitch, huh?” Joseph murmured to himself as he stared after Mandy. Shrugging, he brought his focus back to Blue. “So Yellow, where you been? Been looking for you.”

Yellow? He knew very well what her name was. Had even said that he had liked it. Had said it literally a minute ago. Jackass. “My name isn’t Yellow.”

Grinning wide because he knew that he was getting under her skin, Kavinsky – he wasn’t Joseph right now and maybe even anymore – replied “Aw, country babe, don’t be like that.” He leaned in close and Blue had nowhere to get away to because she was trapped between him and Joan. Nose brushing her ear, he whispered softly in her ear “I’ve missed seeing you.”

If it had been Joseph saying the words, she’d stupidly believe him and a thousand feelings that she had been working on crushing would resurface in seconds. But because it was Kavinsky, Blue knew that he was making a mockery of her. Probably even of Joseph himself. He was trying to dig a knife into both of them right now. “Can’t say I’ve missed you,” she hissed, trying to give herself some space by scooting closer to Joan. There was no space though; he only scooted closer and plus, the booth was meant for two people not three.

“Liar,” Kavinsky laughed, still in that husky whisper that used to give her shivers. Now it gave her them for all the wrong reasons. Shoving him away from her, Blue tried to push her way out of the booth. She wasn’t going to deal with him like this. Grabbing her by her wrist and yanking her into his lap, he snorted “No, no, I’m still talking here.”

Fuming and embarrassed that this was happening in front of people in the middle of Good Burger – especially in front of Joan and Annie – Blue stamped down hard on his foot causing him to lose his grip as he cursed. Slipping out of his grasp, she turned on him.

And then slapped him.

It rang out through the store, loud and clear and Kavinsky stared at her with wide shocked eyes. His cheek was flaming but he seemed so lost like he couldn’t believe that she had hit him. Blue didn’t want to be around when he came to his senses so she dashed off and out the door, group and burgers not her problem right now.

She’d already made it down the street when she heard her name being called and rapid footsteps coming up behind her. Blue didn’t stop or look back though. Not that his long legs didn’t get him to catch up in seconds.

Arm grasping her shoulder firmly, Kavinsky spun her around to face him. She tried to make out his expression but she wasn’t sure how she was facing him. Was he angry…upset…what? She had no idea.

“First off,” he snapped – angry it was, “don’t you _ever_ _fucking_ hit me again. No one hits me. Not anymore.”

Anymore?

“Second, I just wanted to fucking give you something, bitch.”

Pushing his hand off of her, Blue clenched her fists before all but snapping out “Then you should have just given it to me instead of being a complete jerk.”

Kavinsky was still angry but now his face contorted in ugly disbelief. “Why? You’re nothing special. Why should I treat you any different than I treat every single other person in your stupid town? No one treats me well.”

“I treated you well,” Blue couldn’t help but hiss in frustration, her nails digging into her palms as she clenched her fists even harder. From anyone else, she was able to guard herself and yet every time it was him, his words managed to lodge in. He made her feel so insignificant just from a couple sentences. “And yet here you are being a complete asshole.”

Huffing out a breath of disbelief as he shook his head and crossed his arms, Kavinsky’s face…changed. Well, not changed obviously but softened. The guard fell, the helmet of his armor coming off as _Joseph_ made an appearance, turning off Kavinsky for a moment. “I treated you nice, Blue. I _liked_ you. Why couldn’t you like me?”

  

* * *

 

Kavinsky watched as Blue literally flinched like he had hit her. It was hard making sure that he didn’t smile in satisfaction. Bitch had the nerve to hit him? She had the fucking nerve? He could hit back just as hard. Physically wasn’t required because he knew how to pack a punch with just his words. Knew what made every person he knew tic.

Blue liked him whether she wanted to admit it or not. She wasn’t over him and he knew it. Revisiting why she had freaked out from an almost kiss wasn’t worth it anymore. If she didn’t want him even though she really did then her loss. Joseph had moved on.

It didn’t mean he was above hurting her with her own regret though.

Fists releasing slowly, Blue blushed as she brushed her hair behind her ear as she turned her gaze down to the floor. “I did like you. I…”

 _Do like you_ . Kavinsky could hear the unspoken words and he did bother smiling this time sense she wasn’t paying attention.

“But you tried to _kiss me,_ ” Blue continued, raising her head. He quickly shut off his smile so she thought she was still talking to poor poor heartbroken Joseph. “I know you don’t get it and my explanation sucks…but…I really did like you, Joseph.”

Raising a brow, Kavinsky considered his next step. They could make up and he probably would be able to guilt her into a whole lot of shit. But honestly, he was done with trying out the whole relationship thing. Platonic and romantic. Liam and Blue were his two attempts and check out how those went. They could do the whole ‘mutual walk away’ thing but…that was hardly satisfying.

Nope, he’d just have to break her. Blue was strong though so maybe she wouldn’t break the way Mandy had. But bending was just as good for Kavinsky. He’d just keep bending and bending until one day, something would give.

Yeah, he was fine with that.

Shrugging like he hadn’t a care and hadn’t been considering how to snap her, Kavinsky replied “Yeah, well, too late. Waste of my time, babe. I don’t particularly like you anymore. Congrats on reaching bitch status, my dear. Waste of my air status too.” She was getting angry again and Kavinsky decided to stick one last thorn in. A good one that he was sure would hit home. “I mean, you’re such a fucking waste of an existence that your spirits didn’t even bother giving you powers like everyone else in your house. Pathetic.”

Tears. Oh, Kavinsky _loved_ those. The ultimate proof of the pain he was causing. Blue didn’t let hers fall and there was a good mix of extremely pissed off in there but still.

Yum.

“You’re such a bastard,” she said in a steady voice, proof enough for him showing that she was trying her best to not show how his words hit her. “A mean horrible monster.”

Slipping his wallet out of his pocket, Kavinsky took out the card she had given him months ago. She obviously wasn’t psychic but she had offered to get one of her aunts to do a remote reading for him. Just one draw or a one off or whatever it was called. He held it out to her between two fingers and waited patiently for her to take it.

“What am I supposed to do with this,” she whispered in defeat as she held ‘The Devil’ card. Tarot wasn’t his thing so it was kind of beyond his understanding but apparently you weren’t supposed to take the card at face value or something. ‘The Devil’ had both positive meanings and negative ones but either way, Joseph had felt that the meanings were actually kind of appropriate for him at the time.

But not anymore. Now? Now was a time for something else.

 _Someone_ else.

“Whatever you want, sweetheart,” Kavinsky said as he pulled out a second card. The card was his dreamed gift for her and was the sign of his new start. The sign for the someone else. For the someone new.

Kavinsky.

There was no Joseph anymore. Whether intentionally or not, he was being swallowed whole by the force that was Kavinsky.

And, well, maybe it was better that way.

He wasn’t an artist but pulling shit from his dreams meant that he could make whatever he wanted. Kavinsky had made sure that the art was appropriate to what he was trying to capture. Trying to represent. Honestly, he should have dreamed two so he could keep one for himself because it looked pretty damn awesome.

Maybe he would go back and do that.

Holding out the second card to her, Kavinsky flipped it up so she could see. “It’s time for my rebirth, I think. Don’t you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	51. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'm still working on getting in the writer's headspace and I'm getting there. Inwaytoodeep has been a huge help in ideas. Also I just think I can't focus most of the time because I'm fasting. Or that at least plays a role in it
> 
> New Snapshot today so go check it out. It's really just like a little scene of fluff that includes Ivo and Joseph because we are particularly lacking that of late.  
> Enjoy today's chpt
> 
> _"Why do I always have to be the one who has to sacrifice everything?"_

It didn’t matter what it was.

He had it.

Pretty much every single thing you could ever think of.

If you didn’t know Kavinsky for his parties, you knew him as the guy who smashed a hundred thousand dollar car with a bat. And if you knew neither of those, you knew him as the seller of weed and an interesting blue pill.

And if you didn’t know any of those?

You now knew him as the guy to get everything from. Drugs of amazing qualities, forgeries including the most popular choice of a license, or maybe the funkiest cocktail of a drink.

How you knew of him didn’t matter.

You just knew him. Or rather knew of him; no one truly actually _knew_ Kavinsky. But wherever you were in Henrietta, even in the surrounding counties, Kavinsky was an infamous name.

No one actually liked him or claimed to even if they did. They were too busy being jealous, afraid, or in awe. Fear was a bigger one than most people liked to admit. So many rumors came attached to his name, some that were absolutely outrageous and others sounding so real that you weren’t sure whether it was a rumor or not.

Then there were the truths.

Street racing.

Vandalism.

Drugs.

Drinks.

The anger.

Some kid named Alan seemed to be a common victim of Kavinsky’s fury. Blue didn’t know what, if anything, this Alan had ever done but apparently, the boy was a now a shadow of who he was. The kid had lost his color so to speak. Some said that Alan had become paranoid and haunted with just the thought of Kavinsky lurking over his shoulder. It didn’t help that they apparently lived only a few houses apart. It was so bad that Blue had heard that him and his entire family had _moved._ Not just houses but cities.

Kavinsky had literally driven the kid out of town.

But just because Alan wasn’t around anymore didn’t mean that there wasn’t someone facing the anger. The fists. The cruel words. The victim changed the way you changed underwear – hopefully – frequently. All it depended upon was who said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Blue had even heard that sometimes even if someone said the _right thing_ , it still could come back to bite them.

It just didn’t matter to Kavinsky.

Blinking down at the card in her hand as she sat in her tree, Blue murmured something she had been thinking for weeks. Since he had given her the card over a month ago. “I don’t like this rebirth.”

She held ‘Death’ in her hand, beautifully bright and vividly illustrated. There was a dragon, staring straight at Blue with its mouth opened wide and a large blaze flaming behind it. Before the dragon stood a fearless figure robed in black, its clothes illuminated by the light of the flames. There was no face, simply a deep abyss of black, and the only part of the figure that showed was a skeletal hand coming out from the robe’s long sleeve.

The skeletal hand held a black rose, thorns glinting in the blaze as they studded the long stem. On the boney wrist, the figure wore a bracelet made of what looked like wooden beads with three charms hanging down.

A black ornate cross.

A little key with a green gem set within.

And a demure gold cross.

Every time she looked at the card, Blue wondered why there were two crosses. Well, actually, she wondered a lot of things. The crosses were only one of her musings and not even the most confusing or the one that took her mind. What got her every time she looked at the tarot card was how in the world he had found a card that had a charm similar to the one that he wore around his neck. She had rarely saw a day pass where Joseph hadn’t worn that gold necklace with the key charm which rested just under his collarbone. The likeness wasn’t even similar; it was exact.

How?

The entire card screamed Kavinsky and she was so thrown off in how in the world that it did. You couldn’t just find the perfect card or even deck like that. Like it was easy. Psychics often had a special deck of their own, one that spoke to them, but Joseph wasn’t a psychic and hadn’t known much about tarot anyways before she had told him about it for him to be able to manage a perfect deck.

Literally perfect.

Taking in the card one last time for good measure before she did something irreversible, Blue took the top edge between her fingers and tore. It was pretty thick so it took that little bit of extra effort but Blue felt oddly satisfied once she had torn it up into little pieces.

Rebirth? Yeah, okay. It felt more like his descent to the bottom.

Much more like he was dying and decided to take the world with him.

  

* * *

 

Everyone knew.

Kavinsky smiled as a kid from Mountain View walked over to him, cash in hand, wary excitement on his face.

It was simple. You wanted something? Kavinsky had it. Even the most impossible of things.

He wasn’t stupid; Joseph knew that he was cheating the forest. He knew that he was going about the dream world wrong. Even though, if he really was the God or whatever else bullshit Diana had tried feeding him over the years, he should technically be allowed to go about shit in any manner that he pleased. But of course, that wasn’t how the dream land worked. The key wasn’t drugs no matter how he used them or how successful they were making taking things out.

Stealing.

In and out. He’d always said it, always practiced it, but now it was as essential as ever. The minute the forest caught on that he was in, he was as good as fucked. Joseph had more cuts, scratches, and scrapes than he could count that were caused by his own hand because of the forest being a bitch. But then there were those nights where all was good and fine and he stole what he wanted.

Those were what kept his business thriving.

Quite a booming business, if he did say so himself. Maybe he was made to be a businessman in another life. Or even this one. He was already one anyways.

Handing over a small silver capsule accompanied with a wide smile because he was a fantastic salesman, Kavinsky said to the hick “Don’t take that with citrus foods or drinks. It causes some weird ass side effects that you do not want. I promise.”

In order to expand his growing business, Joseph had needed some new inventory because people only wanted weed and the blue pill so often. Not to mention that if he wanted to reach other people, build himself more clientele, he needed more options. So, Joseph began to design a new line of drugs. He literally planned them out in a little notebook to try to make sure he kept everything straight. Joseph tried to make sure that everything stayed color coded. It was the simplest way to do things and kept it all nice and organized.

The capsule that he had just handed over to Mr. Cracker here numbed the senses, practically took you to the state of ‘nirvana.’ It wasn’t too bad actually and Joseph enjoyed its effects but it didn’t sit well with cocaine. Also, for some weird ass reason that he had yet to figure out, if you had any sort of citrus around the time you took the pill or even after, you ended up with a seriously bad case of diarrhea.

Joseph had learned that the very very hard way.

“Sure thing,” the redneck replied, looking way too excited for a drug. But Joseph couldn’t talk, could he? White boy here wasn’t the one addicted to cocaine. Country white boy, he should clarify. Because Joseph was very obviously white so technically, there was a white boy here addicted to coke.

Joseph had fallen down that hole fast. He always made sure to hide his coke on the off chance that his mother would, for whatever reason, decide to search his room. But the cocaine wasn’t doing it for him like it used to. In the beginning, Joseph would sky rocket, his mind catching the high in minutes. Now, the high just wasn’t as high and seemed to take a bit longer to even get to that point. Maybe he needed to take heavier doses? Or maybe more often. That would probably solve his problem.

Checking his watch, Joseph decided that it was time to leave. He didn’t wait on people’s time; people waited on him. He slammed the trunk of his white beauty shut on his contraband, ready to head home. The black Evo that Ivo had gifted was long gone having served its purpose and no longer needed. Joseph had sent it off with a gift of a couple special dream fireworks inside of it.

The resulting explosion had been one of the most beautiful things Joseph had ever seen.

It had also resulted in cops driving out towards his abandoned lot, only to stop when they caught sight of him driving towards them already on his way home. Waylaying him on the street was way better than them catching him at his lot. There were secrets there that weren’t anyone’s business.

_“Yes, officer?” Joseph smiled as he rolled down his window. Lord, did he hate overly concerned citizens calling shit in. Such whiners._

_“We got a call about an explosion coming from around this area,” the older man said in a grim voice like he knew that Joseph was the culprit. But then, with the reputation he had been steadily building, no one should expect anything else. Something happened in the city? You’d probably find the name Kavinsky attached to it. “You know anything about that?”_

_He examined the officer’s face closely, trying to determine whether or not he was one of the ones he had bribed before. Joseph wasn’t exactly sure how someone went about buying out a whole department – he wasn’t Ivo to know the finer details – but he did bribe a couple here and there when he could. Bribery was a careful process though because offer the wrong cop and then you were screwed. Luckily, that had only happened once so far._

_Flashing his charming smile that worked more often than not, Joseph replied “No, sir, can’t say that I do. But I’d be more than happy to call if I hear anything around.”_

_The older officer nodding, processing Joseph’s words. “I imagine,” he said finally after what felt like years, “that you wouldn’t hear anything if I suddenly found myself with a thousand dollar bonus, don’t you think?”_

_Smiling growing even wider, Joseph agreed._

Reaching home, he parked, shut off his music, and turned off his car. Today’s business had been good and his guess was that tonight would be even better. He always sold more at parties.

  

* * *

 

Just like everyone in town, Vesela knew it. How could she not when she heard and listened to every single rumor? Every single truth?

She knew it all. She _wanted_ to know it all. Hell, Vesela had to. She wanted to know every single thing that her child was doing, every single thing that he’d never have done if his life hadn’t fallen apart around him. Every single thing that wouldn’t have happened if Ivo hadn’t broken and ruined his son.

Every detail and happening, Vesela knew them all. And there wasn’t a single damn thing she could do about them. She’d tried, Lord she’d tried. Nothing was working and nothing was ever going to work. Vesela was ready to give up. She was fighting to give her son a life, fighting so hard for him, but instead they were just fighting each other. The whole ‘get high to make her smile’ thing hadn’t lasted. Or at least, Vesela didn’t think so because all they ever did was yell at each other nowadays.

Taking in a shaky breath as she heard the front door open, Vesela got to her feet and went to the top of the stairs. This was going to be her last try. She couldn’t do this anymore; she _wouldn’t_ do this anymore. He didn’t care? Then fine, she was so fucking sick and tired of caring.

She was done.

“Hi,” Joseph said when he noticed her leaning on the rail. He was high – _when isn’t he?_ – but he must have not hit it recently because he wasn’t like he was when he was high. Good, because this way was better. At least his mind was a little clearer. “How was your day?”

Bursting into a sarcastic laugh to apparent surprise as his eyes went wide, Vesela snorted “Fine, thank you.”

With a brow raised as he walked up the stairs and came to a halt in front of her, Joseph asked as he leaned on the rail and put his hands in his pockets “What’s wrong?”

It truly amazed her how he could ask something so freaking stupid. And it looked like he genuinely meant it too. Like he was actually confused on what could possibly be wrong in their life. Trying not to clench her teeth, Vesela answered “What isn’t wrong?”

He caught on quickly, immediately knowing that this was going to end up being another round of fighting. “Mayko, listen-”

“No,” she interrupted furiously. Vesela couldn’t take this bullshit anymore. “You fucking listen-”

“Don’t talk to-”

“I will talk to you however I like!” Vesela snapped, causing Joseph’s eyes to go even wider than before. “I’m sick of this! What? What in the fucking hell do you get out of all of this?”

Shrugging without a care in the world, Joseph snorted “Amusement. I like to be entertained, Vesela.”

The quick fire she had a minute ago quickly died. She was ready. “Fine, be entertained. Become amused. Do whatever the hell you want.”

His face fluttered into confusion. Vesela knew that he expected her to always be strong, to always be there and handle it all, but fucking hell, she couldn’t do it anymore. It hurt too much. Turning her back to him, she trudged to her room in defeat, shutting the door behind herself before she slid down and broke into tears. She tried so hard, so fucking hard, to give him everything and do everything, to be every single thing he needed and it was no good.

And it never would be. And well, Vesela was starting to find peace with that. Was ready to find her peace in that. She had tried multiple times and had never once given up. But she had ended up failing miserably and, well, here they were. She and Joseph in this stupid house in this stupid town.

Here they were.

And she was ready.

Game over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	52. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Write write write write write
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _"Stay as far away from me as you can. This is the only warning I’ll ever be able to give you."_

He broke her.

Joseph Kavinsky broke the strongest woman he had ever met; a woman who hadn’t even broken from a terrifying mobster. He had broken his beautiful mother and Joseph wasn’t sure he was comfortable with that. Kavinsky laughed at it because it just proved even more how powerful and in control he was. But it just made Joseph hate himself more.

He was disgusting.

Two days later and she hadn’t come out of her room as far as he could tell. But he hadn’t been home the whole time because of school so Joseph couldn’t be certain. All he could do was pray that she at least came out to eat when he wasn’t around. He’d tried talking to her through the door but he never heard a response. Rarely even heard noise except for at night when he’d catch ear of her cries.

At least he knew that she was alive.

Sighing as he stared up at his ceiling, trying to catch some sleep even though he hadn’t managed that since he was little, Joseph slowed his breathing to sound as though he were sleeping when a distinct noise hit his ears.

His door had opened.

The nightlight spread enough glow in the room for him to make out his mother sticking her head in around his bookcase. Joseph shut his eyes quickly, worried that she’d leave if she knew that he was awake. What was she here for? He’d tried a million times to get her out or to just say something through the door and suddenly, here she was. Why?

Wishing that he could open his eyes to see what she was up to, Joseph listened as her soft steps got closer and the sound of his drawer opening came. What did she need from his nightstand? Good thing he had left his drugs in his trunk. He had a little baggie of coke under his pillow though in case he needed an emergency hit.

A jingling noise came and Joseph recognized the sound of his keys. What the hell did she need his keys for? There was nothing wrong with her car – he always checked it for her – and anyways, she couldn’t drive stick. Joseph laid in his bed, his eyes still shut until he was sure that she had left the room, his door quietly clicking closed. Opening his eyes and sitting up, he checked his drawer to see if she had taken anything else before getting out of bed. But he halted in his tracks; was it smart to follow her? Or should he just let this play out and see what would happen when she came back to return his keys?

What could she possibly want from his car? All there was in there was some gum, a pair of sneakers, his bat, some baseballs, and his drugs. A couple forgeries too that he had yet to hand over. None of those things were stuff that she’d be interested in. Maybe she just wanted to see what he was up to? But that didn’t make much sense either. Deciding to let the situation play out, Joseph stepped back to his bed and got in, wrapping himself in his cover.

It’d be a decision he’d come to regret.

 

 

“Morning,” he whispered through her door like he did every morning since she had locked herself in. She had returned his keys but Joseph hadn’t noticed anything odd when she had. He’d been left confused on what her whole mission had been for.

He literally jumped when the door suddenly opened and his mother stood there, smiling like she hadn’t a care in the world. It…freaked him out just a bit. As much as he adored her smiles, this wasn’t normal. “Morning!”

“Uh…” Joseph said, dumbfounded to the max power. “Um, hi.”

“Hi,” she smiled, her eyes sparkling their beautiful emerald.

And that’s when Joseph saw it. When he knew exactly what she had been doing last night. “Mayko,” he whispered in horror while praying in his mind that he was so incredibly wrong, “are…mayko, your eyes…”

She was high.

Bitter bile churned in his stomach as he took in the woman before him who was most definitely not his mother. The woman before him looked like his mother, smiled like his mother, and sounded like her too but…

His mother would never get high.

“Something wrong?” she asked innocently as Joseph wared with his stomach, not wanting to throw up on the floor but too afraid to walk away from her. “Sweetheart?”

Finding trouble in catching his breath, Joseph bit his lip hard as he scratched his nails along his arm. “Mayko,” he whispered in a strangled voice, “What’d you do?”

Laughing like he had said the funniest thing in the world, his mother replied as she leaned on the doorframe “What? Problem, Kavinsky? I could’ve sworn that if someone wanted something, you were the guy for it. I wanted something to help me forget the mess my life has become and I found what I wanted. Do you want me to pay you?”

He fought with the tears building in his eyes as he clenched his jaw in a pathetic attempt to not break out into sobs. Did he want her to pay him? What kind of fucking bullshit was this? What nightmare had he fallen into? He could’ve sworn that he was awake. “You…” Jesus, Joseph didn’t even know how to form sentences right now.

“This stuff is pretty good,” his mother said when she noticed that he wasn’t going to speak. Really, that he _couldn’t_ speak. Joseph was worried what the hell she had taken. His trunk was like fucking candyland; it had everything. But then, a minute later, he didn’t have to wonder anymore. Out of everything she could have grabbed…she went for the one thing that was addictive. The one thing he would want her to stay away from more than anything else.

She held up a little bag filled with white powder. “The drip is a little weird, I’ll admit, but I dig this stuff. I see why you like it. I always wondered which poison you had picked as yours. You don’t mind us sharing, do you?”

And that’s when he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Standing and watching his high mother praising cocaine was the last straw for both his stomach and his sobs as he rushed to his bathroom and practically flung himself over his toilet. By the time he was done coughing out nothing because he hadn’t even had breakfast yet, Joseph was sitting there with his sobs racking his body.

Joseph hadn’t even registered that his mother had followed him until he heard her over his breakdown. “What? Why are you so upset? If you don’t care anymore, why the fuck do I have to? Why do I always have to be the one who has to sacrifice everything? I’m done. I’m sick of this town, of this house, of _you_. You’re on your own now, Kavinsky. But isn’t that what you wanted?”

Through blurry eyes, he watched spin on her heels and _bounce_ out the bathroom and out his room. “I-I’m s-sorry,” he cried as he slid onto his stomach and cried into the floor. “I’m sorry.”

  

* * *

 

Liam packed the last of his stuff into a box before he stood and gazed around his room. It was weird; it’d been his home for the past four years and now he was leaving it for a new one. He had wanted to go home and see Helen before shipping himself off to Duke but there was no time in his shitty schedule. The minute he graduated from here, he had to go so he could start that beginning summer class his father had wanted him to sign up for.

It wasn’t fair; the man was barely in Liam’s life as it was not for him to get to make important decisions like that. Liam hadn’t even wanted to go to Duke but it was his father’s alma mater and how could Liam not go? Which didn’t make any sense at all being that Liam was the bastard son, so why did it matter? If Blake didn’t end up going to Duke, Liam was going to be pissed because that was extremely unfair.

Writing ‘books’ on the box with a sharpie, Liam walked over to his door as a knock came. No one visited besides for Eva anymore although he preferred going to her to get away from this toxic place. Also anyone looking for George now and then. So when he opened his door and found Jordan in front of him, Liam was both surprised and pissed. “What,” he snapped at the less than hulking figure standing in his doorway.

Jordan blushed as he fiddled with his fingers. They hadn’t spoken since Kavinsky had thrown Liam out of his hospital room. Liam couldn’t stand the sight of Jordan anymore. Maybe Liam wasn’t a good person because he still hadn’t told anyone what had happened but the least he could do was distance himself from a rapist. “Hi.”

“What, Jordan,” Liam hissed in annoyance, clenching the edge of his door firmly to refrain from doing something. He sucked at fighting but just the sight of Jordan filled him with utter hate. “What part of ‘stay away from me’ don’t you get?”

“I get it,” Jordan whispered, looking down at the floor. “Look…” he raised his head and examined Liam closely, “can we talk? Inside.”

He was lucky that they were graduating in a couple weeks and that they would probably never see each other again or else Liam wouldn’t have let him in. Slamming the door shut and spinning to face Jordan who sat down on George’s bed where he had committed his crime, Liam said “Well?”

“I…just wanted to say bye, I guess. We’ll probably never see each other again and well, I wanted to say goodbye for when that happens.”

“We graduate in a couple weeks, not tomorrow,” Liam snorted, leaning up on his and George’s entertainment stand while crossing his arms. “You could say bye at graduation.”

Ever since their falling out, Jordan had stopped a lot of things. Lacrosse, for one. Coming out of his room, for another. The effects were a sun deprived boy who had lost those hulking muscles that he had loved so much. “Yeah, I guess so. Look, Liam, I’m sorry for everything and I’d really like it if we left off on good terms.” Looking into Liam’s eyes earnestly, he added “So can we?”

The fact that Jordan actually believed that they could fix things was hilarious. “Oh, I don’t know, can you take back the fact that you fucking _raped_ Kavinsky? You know he snorts coke? How much do you want to bet that the reason he is such a huge fucking mess right now has something to do with what you did to him?”

Kavinsky may have come to Henrietta with the intention of parties and whatever but so had Liam. And there was a huge difference between where Kavinsky had started and where he was now. It didn’t matter what Kavinsky did, Liam would always believe that inside him there was a good person. He didn’t care what he was presented with otherwise, he just knew that Kavinsky wasn’t Joseph.

And as weird and as crazy as that sounded, it made complete sense to him.

Shame, anger, and guilt were only a few of the emotions that flited through Jordan’s face. His former friend covered his face with his hands and with his voice muffled replied “Please stop saying that. Please. For all the good we’ve had-”

“Just because we were close doesn’t mean I will ever overlook what you did,” Liam interrupted furiously. It was bad enough that Liam hadn’t figured out a way to tell an adult. “You know how much it eats me alive that I haven’t told anyone? How much it hurt when Kavinsky told me to stay away from him? More than it hurt to dump your stupid ass.”

Abruptly getting to his feet, Jordan glared at Liam before he deflated and shook his head softly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered before walking towards the door. His hand rested on the knob but he didn’t turn it. Without turning to look at Liam, Jordan added “Thank you for being my friend all these years. And I’m sorry we came to this.”

With that, Jordan walked out, shutting the door quietly behind himself.

Liam wasn’t going to lie and say that it didn’t hurt, because it did, but he couldn’t handle being Jordan’s friend anymore. Not after everything that had happened. He felt like a dirty accomplice from just knowing what happened.

With a sigh and shake of his head to clear it, Liam focused back on his packing. He had wanted to make sure he had everything prepped and ready because with finals and graduation coming, he’d end up overwhelmed with all he had to do. Gaze catching on his box of books that had gotten him through four miserable years of this stupid school, Liam knew that he couldn’t drag them to Duke with him. Maybe one or two but nothing more. Maybe he could have them shipped to his mother’s house? Helen would make sure that they were taken care of but…he hated when books fell into dusty disuse.

Maybe…

Yeah, that could work. Whether the gesture would be appreciated he couldn’t know but Liam knew that his books would be well respected.

Nodding as he made his decision, Liam grabbed a paper and penned out a letter. He started and stopped it over and over again, and threw out around five drafts but eventually Liam was able to pen what he wanted.

His letter began with a simple sentence.

_Please take care of these guys; they need a good home now that I’m leaving._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	53. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Eid Mubarak! Kinda haha. Eid is tomorrow not today but I'll send my well wishes early. I usually do like three days of chpts for the three days of Eid but sadly I don't have enough chpts...  
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> _"Why couldn’t you have just gotten rid of me?"_

_I know that you don’t want to hear from me anymore but I’ll be graduating in a couple weeks and honestly, I couldn’t just leave like that. I’m sorry for everything even though nothing is actually on my shoulders. I feel like it is though. I miss the weird form of friends that we were but I understand. And it’s okay._

_These are all the books that I brought with me from my mom’s house. They’re a bit worn from use but I know that you’ll love them the way that they are. Please take of them and enjoy the stories they bring._

_And please take care of yourself. I can only imagine how hard things are for you. But…I always believe that things get better. Things will get better, Joseph. Please get better. I only hope for the best for you._

 

_Liam_

 

He watched as the blood dripped down from his arm onto the grass. Joseph wasn’t home – he couldn’t handle being home anymore – as he sliced his arms open. He wasn’t even sure why he was doing it at this moment beyond that he found it amusing to watch himself bleed. Plus, red looked pretty awesome on the green of the grass. Originally, Joseph had planned on sitting at his lot but as he drove, he noticed these pretty trees that seemed to call for him.

There was nothing spectacular about the place he was sitting at besides for the fact that it was a peaceful little clearing with a pond but Joseph found that he liked it. It helped him clear his mind and think. It was away from home, away from dreams and dream objects, and it was somewhere where Joseph could feel like Joseph.

Or at least think like Joseph. Feeling like Joseph wasn’t quite possible anymore.

His mother was getting high. Out of everything in Joseph’s life, that was the worst thing to ever happen. It was the one thing he couldn’t get a handle on. Vesela Kavinsky, the most brilliant amazing beautiful woman in the entire world, snorted cocaine. And it was all his fault.

Joseph had ruined her, he had broken Liam, and not to mention Alan who he had literally run out of town from bullying. _Bullying_. Joseph had spent his childhood being bullied and yet Kavinsky relished inflicting that pain on someone else.

_Slice_

But it wasn’t like he didn’t inflict pain on himself so maybe it was the universe balancing itself out. Now if the universe were smart, it’d help him rid itself of him.

No one ever said that the universe was smart though.

  

* * *

 

One of the things that Blue loved about Henrietta was how nature was literally everywhere. Sure, Henrietta was a tiny town with very little in it unless that thing was raven boys but at least there were woods surrounding the place.

It made it beautiful.

There was one spot that she liked in particular. It was a little clearing where there was this tiny pond where a bullfrog lived. It was Blue’s quiet spot after her tree in the backyard. She didn’t know how many people in Henrietta actually bothered exploring their surroundings but Blue guessed barely any. Or at least, she’d never run into anyone while she was out and about.

So when she walked into her clearing and found a hunched over figure sitting at her pond, Blue was shocked.

What shocked her even more was when she realized that it was Kavinsky.

“Joseph?” she whispered as she walked up behind him. She didn’t want to be civil with him but he seemed so…down. His head picked up and turned to look at her. Spirit’s, he was mess. Like really really bad. And he seemed so sad. Upset. Also, was that blood? When he kept staring at her, she carefully sat beside him, trying not to stare at the blood all over the floor and his arms. “Hi.”

He kept blinking at her like he was wondering if she was a figment of his imagination. Finally, he murmured “You should leave, Blue.”

This wasn’t Kavinsky speaking. In fact, this was as close as to the Joseph she had first met in Walmart than she had seen in a long while. “Leave?”

Biting his lip, Joseph said in a broken voice “I don’t want to break any more people this week. Please leave. _Please._ ”

She had no idea what he was talking about. “Break?”

Taking her hand softly in his bloody one and looking her in the eyes intently, Joseph repeated “Please, Blue, leave. Stay as far away from me as you can. This is the only warning I’ll ever be able to give you. I’ll ruin you.”

What he was talking about, she still had no idea but he seemed so honest and open with his emotions right now that she found herself knowing that she needed to listen to him. “Should I act like I don’t see the pool of blood on the floor?”

That made him scoff as he released her hand and turned his gaze away. His voice was stronger as he said “Trust me, this isn’t even close to a pool of blood.”

“Does that knowledge come with being a mobster’s son?” she couldn’t help but ask. Sue her, she wasn’t over that. She didn’t know they got those kinds of interesting people in her town.

Blue thought that she wasn’t going to get an answer as he remained silent but eventually, he murmured “It comes with being a monster. You shouldn’t sit with a monster, Blue. Leave.”

Getting to her feet without so much as a goodbye, Blue left.

The silence was their final goodbye.

She knew that.

  

* * *

 

Eva opened her door.

And slammed it shut a second later.

Or at least, she tried to but Kavinsky stuck his foot in to jam the door. “Wait!”

“What?” Eva snapped as she yanked her door back open. Her mother wasn’t stupid enough to give _Kavinsky_ of all people their address, was she? Who was she kidding though, why else would Kavinsky be here?

She was shocked when he literally blushed. Kavinsky blushed? What the hell. “I…” Kavinsky stared down at his hands as he fiddled with his fingers. Wasn’t it a bit warm to be wearing a long sleeve? “I was just looking for your mom.”

“Why?” Of all the people her mother had to want to baby, why did it have to be him?

Biting his lip as he continued staring down at his hands, Kavinsky whispered “I just need to talk to her. She’s…the only one I know who can help. And I need help.”

His voice broke on the last sentence and Eva wondered if he was about to cry. Who knew that Kavinsky could cry? “She’s not here.”

It looked like he was trying to break his fingers from how hard he was squeezing his fingers. Kavinsky picked his head up and Eva tried to see what her mother saw. And with his eyes red with the start of tears, his face so thin and lacking any color besides the black around his eyes, Eva could see it. See the broken boy her mother and Liam saw. “No one’s ever anywhere when I need them,” he laughed, on the verge of hysterics.

Guilt was crashing down on her heart. “I can tell her you came by and-”

“No,” he said as he shook his head before wiping his eyes harshly. “Forget it. Don’t even tell her I came. Fuck it. Fuck you, fuck her, fuck this fucking world that hates me so much.”

Something told Eva to run after him as he rushed back to his car on the street. To help him or hug him or something. She wasn’t sure if it was her surprise at seeing Kavinsky break or just the whole situation but she was frozen at her door as she watched him drive off.

“Who was it?” Eve asked as she came up to her shoulder. When Eva didn’t answer her twin, Eve nudged her. “Hello, Eva? Who was at the door?”

“When does mama get off?” she asked instead of answering the question. She didn’t go after him like she should have but she could at least let her mother know that something was up.

“Seven. She grabbed Analise’s shift, remember?”

Seven. Eva flicked a glance to the clock behind her. Four hours sounded way too long to wait. Something was going to happen, she could feel it. Kavinsky was in a bad headspace and if he did something to himself, it’d be on Eva’s shoulders because she had a feeling that she was going to be the last one that he spoke to.

Closing the door, she ran up their stairs to her room, Eve following her and calling “Eva? What’s wrong?”

Pulling on her sneakers as fast as she could and not even caring like she usually did that she was going out in pajama pants, she said quickly “I gotta go tell mama something. I’ll be back.”

Eva had someone to save. Or at least, she had a feeling that she did.

  

* * *

 

He stared down at the phone in his lap, Ivo’s contact info opened. Joseph made sure to avoid his mother at all costs because looking at her being the hardest thing ever in his life. She was getting high, hitting it hard because she didn’t care anymore, and the one person Joseph went to for help wasn’t even around. But then, why would she be? Gwen was a liar just as much as anyone else in his life. Surprisingly, the only person who had never lied to him about anything was Ivo. Talk about irony.

When his phone dimmed and then locked because he was taking too long to make up his mind, Joseph unlocked it for what could have been the hundredth time. There was one person in the world who might be able to help his mother and it was the man he utterly hated. The man who utterly hated _him_. All it would take was a simple call and a simple sentence and then Ivo would try to fix Joseph’s mother. If there was anyone that she would listen to, it was her bastard.

But pushing the call button was a lot harder than it seemed.

Swallowing his nerves which were a lump the size of a fucking potato, Joseph picked up his phone and pushed call. It only rang twice before he hung up from his fear. The woman he loved was ruining herself and he couldn’t even bring himself to finish a fucking phone call?

Pathetic.

Inhaling through his nose with a deep breath, he released it from his mouth and tried again. This time he only made it to the third ring but that was progress. Another ten times and he was sure that he’d finally work up the nerve to make it all the way through with the call. And then he could save his mother.

Simple.

Joseph bit down on his lip, where he had been gnawing a hole all day, trying his hardest to just work up the God fucking nerve. Why was it so hard? When he hung up for the fifth time, he started to get angry at himself. Grabbing the little bucket that held his chalk from the bookcase bordering his bed, Joseph flung it against the wall as he shouted “Fuck!”

He ruined the most beautiful amazing woman in the world. Ruined her. And he was too fucking chicken shit to fix her. Drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, he hung his head between his legs and gave in to his despair. Why was he such a fucking mess? For that matter, why couldn’t he be the type of mess that didn’t mess with everyone around them? How fucking hard was it to just kill yourself? Why was he such a monster? Why couldn’t Ivo just have convinced Joseph’s mother to abort him? Their life would have been so much better without him. There wouldn’t have been fighting or cheating or leaving.

His mother wouldn’t be an addict.

Ivo wouldn’t be dead.

To this day, Joseph wondered what in the world his mother had made of his apology in the dead of the night. Had she just attributed it to his nightmare? The cocaine? Why wouldn’t she? She had probably thought that he was out of his mind apologizing for killing Ivo.

_“I’m sorry for killing tatko.”_

_She was barely even breathing as she took in his words; Joseph could tell because of the stillness pressed against him. He wasn’t sure if she was in shock because of the contents of his apology or because he had called Ivo ‘tatko.’ Joseph hadn’t called him that in a year, not for him to say it now._

_When his mother finally caught her bearings, she stroked his hair back and kissed his head. “Sometimes bad things happen. It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”_

But how could his apology be worth anything if she just didn’t understand? And there was absolutely no way that Joseph could actually make her understand. How did you tell a person that the man they had been talking to for the past year was actually just a clone? A forgery of exemplary qualities. Was clone Ivo really that good though? His mother hadn’t spent enough time with him to truly examine him and the week they had spent before leaving she had stayed with Joseph in his room. Maybe if she had actually had the chance, she would have been able to find some mistakes.

Huffing as he wiped his tears and gathered his resolve, Joseph picked up the phone another time. He was going to save her, going to fix her. All he had to do was get through this call. Easy peasy. Pressing call again, Joseph listened to the ringing and when the line opened his heart stopped and nearly fell out of his body when a voice spoke. “Hello?”

Ivo had no way of knowing that it was Joseph; he didn’t have this number. But the minute Joseph spoke, he’d know. Ivo’s voice sounded the way Joseph remembered it, more tired maybe but that was it. There was none of that violent anger and disgusting hate within it; it wasn’t the way Joseph’s nightmares made him sound. But Joseph couldn’t bring himself to speak – his tongue was frozen, his body stuck in fear.

When the silence continued, Ivo repeated “Hello?”

Shaking his head quickly and violently, Joseph shut the phone and tossed it as far away from him as far as he could before he broke down into sobs. Pathetic. He couldn’t even say a sentence for his mother. Joseph was a useless pile of shit. The one time his mother needed someone and he couldn’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” he cried, “I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	54. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Check out the warning in the end note if you need to  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Doing damage today?”_

When she rung the bell for a fourth time, Gwen grew worried. More worried would actually be more appropriate because she was already worried. Something wasn’t right. Both Vesela and Joseph’s cars were here and yet no one was answering. After what Eva had told her, Gwen was concerned that something was bothering Joseph. He wasn’t the type to seek out help and yet he had.

It had to be serious.

“Maybe…” she whispered to herself as she reached out to try the handle. What were the chances that the door was-

It was open.

“Thank you, almighty Lord,” Gwen murmured as she walked into the eerily silent house. Technically, she was trespassing but she didn’t think that Vesela would seriously sue her for it. Plus, this was for a good cause or at least, she believed it was because she was seriously worried for Joseph. If his unannounced visit had freaked Eva out to the point where her daughter literally ran all the way to the hospital to tell her, then something was definitely wrong. “Hello? Anyone home?”

She was met with silence. A silence that she didn’t like at all.

Rushing over to the stairs because she figured that Joseph’s room would be on the second floor, Gwen didn’t bother slipping off her shoes beside his sneakers. She sure as hell was not wasting time; they could vacuum the stairs later. “Baby boy? Where you at?”

Walking down the hall, she stopped at the first door and peeked her head in. The minute her eye caught on a shelf with model cars and a cat tower over in the corner, Gwen knew that she had found the right room. She walked in, not bothering to knock because it wasn’t like he had answered her calls anyways, and looked towards his empty bed. Turning, she peeked into his bathroom and felt her eyes go wide. “Joseph!”

His movements were slow but he picked up his head as she quickly took his arms in her hands after grabbing the roll of toilet paper. She’d typically like something thicker and stronger but this would do. “Baby, what the hell are you doing?” she said in a steady voice even though she was panicked for him on the inside. He needed the strong nurse right now though, not the terrified mother figure.

Gwen could tell that he had been crying with his face still red and puffy with streaks from his tears staining their path down. He said nothing as he watched her methodically wrap his wrists, silent prayers being said on her lips. If he had gone parallel instead of across, God help her. If he had used a jagged knife, God help her. If he had just dug a little deeper, God help them all.

Pulling out her phone with her now stained hands, Gwen called for an ambulance as she applied more pressure to his wrists and to the point in his elbow to slow the blood flow. “They’re on their way, hon. You stay with me now, okay?”

Tears filled his eyes and Gwen could feel her heart shattering at seeing him so broken. You heard the name Kavinsky in town and everyone said horrible things. She knew that some of those things were true but no one seemed to understand that they were the actions of a beautiful boy trying to cope with himself. They didn’t see how broken he was, how he didn’t know how to handle himself or whatever had brought him here, or what had happened in his life. She wished she knew the truth so she could help him better. Once, she had tried talking to Vesela about it but the other woman wouldn’t say a word. Gwen had a feeling that it had something to do with his father. Why else was the man never mentioned? Joseph had never said anything about him and Vesela only once. There had to be something there.

Stroking his hair back with one hand while she kept the other on his wrists, Gwen whispered “Talk to me, baby boy. Where’s mama?”

That question caused him to erupt into heavy sobs as he tried to push her away. As if she’d allow that; she pulled him tight into her embrace as she pressed kisses to his head. She knew that Vesela sang to him when he was like this but there was no way Gwen could manage some lullaby in another language so she settled for rocking them together. “Talk to me.”

Hiccupping as he pressed his face into her shoulder, Joseph said something but it was lost in both the approaching sirens and her shirt. Maybe the help he had wanted was something about Vesela? She was the only person that Gwen could think of that Joseph would want to get help for. The boy didn’t even get it for himself but he’d do it for her.

“Does mama need help of some kind?” Another hiccup, accompanied by a nod into her shoulder as the sirens blared even louder and then the sound of the front door opening came. “Okay, baby boy,” she whispered as she rubbed his back, “Don’t worry. Let Gwen handle mama.” She heard the paramedics calling out and yelled “Upstairs!”

Softly taking his face in her hands, she murmured “You gonna go with the medics and you gonna listen to them, okay? I’ll be right there after I check up on mama. Okay?” Joseph nodded quickly as he hugged her tight, the paramedics coming into the bathroom behind them. “Okay, go with them now, baby boy. I trust them and you’re gonna trust them, okay?” Another nod. “Okay,” Gwen said softly as she kissed his temple before easing him over to one of the paramedics. She had made sure to ask for women, knowing that convincing him to go alone with men would not go well.

Once she was sure that Joseph was comfortable with the medics, she saw them off before going back into the house. All this had happened and yet Vesela hadn’t popped out once. Whatever Joseph felt she needed help with had to be serious.

Making her way back up the stairs, she walked past Joseph’s room – making a note to clean up the bloody mess later – and went to the next room past his but on the opposite side of the hallway. The door was shut so Gwen knocked just to be courteous before opening it and walking in. Vesela was curled up in her bed, fast asleep if the soft rise and fall of her side was anything to go by.

“Mama,” Gwen said as she walked in further, “Vesela.” Sure, someone could be tired, but for God’s sake, an ambulance had come with its sirens wailing loud. “Vesela,” Gwen practically snapped because she couldn’t help the fact that she was mildly annoyed. Here she was sleeping while her son was ripping himself open? Fed up and annoyed for Joseph, Gwen more or less shoved Vesela, snapping “Vesela!”

The other woman’s head flew up, her eyes wide open in surprise.

But then, so were Gwen’s once she saw what Vesela was cradling in her arms.

“Oh, mama, what’d you do…”

  

* * *

 

He wanted his mother.

He wanted her to hold him and love him and sing for him like she always did.

Except, she wasn’t here like she always was.

Because he had ruined her.

So Joseph sat alone in his room where a nurse came in every ten minutes for ‘suicide watch.’ When he had been checked into the hospital the first time, Joseph had just figured that Gwen was overly attentive. Now he knew different. His wrists were bandaged tight and Joseph had had to have a blood transfusion but other than that, the doctor said that he was looking pretty good. Joseph had to admit that he was a little worried that they’d try to shove him in the psych ward – if they even had one – but he figured they couldn’t do that without consent from his mother.

Who was very much not here for him.

Gwen had said that she would follow to the hospital but she had yet to show up and it was starting to worry Joseph. What if she was abandoning him like everyone else in his life? He had already had that thought earlier when he couldn’t find her at her house but then she had come. Come to him, not him to her. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

Joseph stared down at his bandaged wrists. Thin frail wrists. How pathetic; both his wrists and his try at suicide. Another failed attempt. But then…maybe slitting his wrists wasn’t his best idea yet. It took too long and the slow haze that his mind had descended into as he waited to bleed out just made him think too much. He was supposed to _not think_. Who the hell wanted to wait ten minutes as they bled out, stuck with nothing but their thoughts?

Yeah, slitting wrists was a no. Cutting was a yes but slitting to kill? A definite no. It just didn’t work for him. Popping pills hadn’t either but it was something he still would consider for his next try. Maybe he should have just stuck with it instead of trying something else. Although, maybe his attempt sucked because he hadn’t expected to be interrupted. The last person he would have thought to come save him had shown up. Actually, the last person would have been Ivo. So not exactly the last, but he knew what he meant.

Sighing as he rested back into his bed, Joseph turned his head to stare out the window. If he was lucky, he wouldn’t have to share a room with anyone. He definitely wasn’t in the mood to put up with a neighbor. Joseph wasn’t in the mood for anything really but trying to take his life hadn’t worked. How long could he go on like this? What, was he going to try and kill himself every few weeks, get back up, and live on in his misery?

A knock interrupted his musings. Joseph didn’t tell them to come in but whoever it was entered anyways. Joseph didn’t even bother turning his head from the window to see who he felt was standing before him.

He didn’t look but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t tell who it was.

“Hi, baby.”

“High is the right word,” he murmured as a bird flew past his window only to swerve back and land on the ledge. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a rock dove. Joseph had always found pigeons funny because the common pigeon was actually a dove. People thought of doves as these beautiful white graceful birds and then in reality, there’s the ugly cousin who shits on you.

“Would you like it better if I stayed over here or came and sat with you?” his mother asked in a quiet voice. He didn’t need to look at her to know that she was biting her thumbnail. Habits die hard.

Shutting his eyes as he breathed in deep then let out the breath, Joseph whispered “I’d like it better if I were dead. But we don’t all get what we want.”

His mother silent for a time before she said “What else do you want?”

It was such an innocent question and yet one of the hardest. What did he want? A couple minutes ago, the answer had been her. Now he had her. That was literally all his brain had latched on to. But what did he truly want? As hard of a question as it was, Joseph actually did know the answer. “Do you want the truth?”

“I’d appreciate it.”

Nodding as he opened his eyes, Joseph made sure to put all his focus on the window. Not even what was outside but just the concept of a window. Somewhere to look other than his mother. “I want you to be happy again. I want you to not be a mess like me.” Those were the easy answers. “I want…” Shutting his eyes against his tears, he continued “I want my life back. I want to know what it feels like to have control. I wish I were normal. I wish I still had Emilio. I wish we were still in Jersey and around tétka and tetíncho and Andrey and Anka but staying away is also something I want. I wish-” His voice broke as the words got harder, “I wish I was comfortable being gay but then I wish so badly that I wasn’t a fag. I wish that tatko didn’t hate me and that I had him back and yet I hate him so much for hating me.”

There was one last thing that he wished for but he didn’t have the strength to put it into words. _I wish I hadn’t killed him._

Wiping his eyes and his nose, Joseph cried “B-But just like being dead, I don’t get what I want. I hate me s-so much. Why couldn’t you have just gotten rid of me? Wouldn’t that have been so much b-better?”

Joseph heard her quiet footsteps as she made her way over to him and felt when she sat beside him, the bed dipping from her weight. He didn’t fight her when she pulled him into a hug and he said nothing as she pressed kisses to his head. “A life without you in it wouldn’t have been a life, Joseph. I don’t care how many fights we go through or how many messes we happen in to. I don’t care if we’re both messes addicted to coke because we’re idiots. You’re mine and I’ll never ever want that any other way.”

“Then you’re stupid,” he sniffled into her. “So stupid.”

“Hey, you had to get it from somewhere, right?”

Giggling because it was so fucking true, Joseph nodded and replied “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS/TRIGGERS:  
> Suicide attempt
> 
> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	55. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hahaha writing is such a bitch sometimes. Why do I only like the painful things?
> 
> Also, I actually drew something which I haven't done in a really long while outside of uni stuff so if you're curious, click the link to my tumblr. I tried digital arting a person for the first time in photoshop and with a tablet so yeah. I think it actually came out really good. It's Victor Vale from Vicious by V.E. Schwab
> 
> This chpt has the treat of Jordan's pov which is cool, right? Idk haha  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“What’s wrong, dear Nikol, cat got your tongue?”_

Time was a circular fucking bitch that Joseph did not at all appreciate.

Because, really, what had changed? Fucking nothing. Everything was the way it had been. Joseph attempted suicide, him and his mother hugged it out, love here, hug there, they’d fight about something, silence here, frustrations there, blah, blah, blah.

Only a few things were different this time around.

Gwen checked in so often that Joseph literally wanted to punch her as horrible as that sounded.

He’d managed to wean himself to not needing a sweatshirt. When he went out, he settled for thin long sleeves. The weather was turning hot as fuck so that was going to have to change too.

And both he and his mother were coke addicts.

Hooray for them.

Joseph didn’t know if it was because he had spent the past year being his own drug guinea pig and so he had a higher tolerance than his mother when it came to these things but she was eating the effects hard. It barely took much to get her high and when she was high, she was in fucking space. So high in space that sometimes she barely even knew who he was. Hell, who she was.

It got that bad.

But he had no idea what to do about it. Gwen had tried convincing his mother to get into a rehab program – secretly hoping that it’d encourage Joseph – but it hadn’t worked. His mother was ‘done with shit.’ And really, how could Joseph blame her? He was so fucking done too. He just wished his mother wasn’t or could maybe find a way to be done without getting high.

That’d be nice.

Tétka Nikol had called the other day but Joseph knew that she hadn’t figured it out. His mother had been coming off her high and sounded relatively like herself even if she didn’t look it anymore. Her once beautiful silky hair seemed as dull and tired as she did. Her eyes didn’t shine like they used to and Joseph utterly despised her new smile. It bugged the shit out of him because he knew that it wasn’t her.

God fucking dammit.

Clenching a fist as he stared up at his ceiling, Joseph decided that he either needed to hit something…or do something stupid. He wasn’t really sure which and honestly, they could actually be the same thing. Or maybe he just needed to get extremely high… Choices, choices, choices.

He could get high and _then_ do something stupid. Break something maybe? Too bad Mr. Thompson wasn’t around anymore; Joseph would love to smash his car again. “Fucking sigh,” he muttered, tossing the ball in his hand repeatedly up and down, down and up, hitting the ceiling. “Bored, bored, bored. Beat someone up?” Joseph clucked with his tongue to the negative. “Too much effort…”

Turning his head to stare out the door of his balcony after catching the ball, Joseph wondered how well he could land a two-story jump. They made it look so easy in the movies… All you had to do was roll or something, right? That’d make his day interesting. “Oh damn, what if I could jump into the pool from here? That’d be fucking awesome.” And if he missed…well, then he missed. Big deal. What were a few bruises? “Or, you know, possible broken bones,” he laughed as he bounced out of bed and walked over to his balcony.

Stepping out and glancing down, Joseph realized that the jumping trajectory wasn’t exactly the best. Actually, it was terrible. The pool was too far out from the house for any sort of successful jumping. “But do I want to be successful,” he mused quietly as he leaned on the rail of the balcony, staring out at his backyard. If he broke something… “Fuck it. Can’t drive with broken bones. Oh…I should go do vehicle terrorism.”

It was fun, really. He sped around Henrietta, going at insane speeds that if he crashed then he was as good as dead. It was relishing going that fast. And it was fun knowing that it freaked the fuck out of everyone else on the streets. They were terrified that he was going to hit them and yeah, it was possible but Joseph liked to think he was a kickass driver. Sometimes if he were lucky, someone would want to race. But those chances were generally better at night, not the afternoon.

He walked back into his room and took the wonderful time to get high before he got dressed. Once he was fixed for his activities for the day with wallet, keys, drugs, and a smile, Joseph grabbed his phone only to pause as it flashed with a missed call.

The mistake was his own; he should have never have cared. Ever since he had called Ivo about his mother, the man called back once a day, every day. Joseph had a feeling that Ivo knew who had called and wasn’t going to give up any time soon. He had considered both the pros and cons of answering and Joseph was still stuck on what to do. There was always the option of blocking the number but for some odd reason, that wasn’t at all favorable.

Sighing as he cleared the call and walked out, Joseph decided that Ivo was a problem for another day.

Something he decided every day.

 

 

Coming to a halt, Joseph stared at a car in the parking lot of Aglionby’s dorms.

A Benz.

Okay, so there were a lot of Mercedes around because it was Aglionby but this particular one was one that Joseph knew. There was no way in hell Joseph would ever be able to face Jordan because he knew that the minute that he did, he’d just descend into panic. No, that couldn’t happen but…he could totally face Jordan’s car. By the time Joseph was through with it, it wouldn’t be much of a car anymore.

The thought greatly appealed to him.

Something stupid, here he came.

Parking on the street, Joseph jumped out excitedly from his car after popping the trunk open. Lord, did he love his bat. Once he grabbed his trusty friend and slammed his trunk shut, Joseph turned only to come face to face with someone he wasn’t looking to see ever again.

Liam.

Well, that was a lie, wasn’t it? Joseph had actually liked Liam but…even if deep deep down somewhere in his heart he wanted to see how the other boy was doing, Joseph would never admit it. It was just better that way. No Liam, no stress.

“Uh, hi,” the blonde smiled nervously as his eyes roved over Joseph. It was almost like Joseph could see…disgust? in Liam’s eyes. But whether the look was actually there, he wasn’t sure because if it had been, it was gone in seconds as Liam looked to the bat. “Doing damage today?”

Was that disproval in his voice? Who was this bitch to think he had any say in any shit? “The fuck is it your business? Fuck off, bastard bitch, before I decide to use my bat on you.”

Liam only nodded, seemingly unfazed by both the insult and the threat. “It’s a good thing we aren’t friends anymore. I don’t like Kavinsky as much as I liked Joseph.”

Aw, he was cute. With a smirk, Joseph nodded as he leaned on his bat, the tip of it resting on the floor. “You’ve never met Joseph in your life, sweets. He doesn’t particularly like showing his face around anymore.”

“Shame because everyone would have liked him to the level that they hate Kavinsky,” Liam said as he shrugged nonchalantly, putting his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “But to each his own.” He began to walk off but Joseph called him back. “What?”

Honestly, he wasn’t sure. Joseph knew that he had something to say, a curious question, but it was stuck in the back of his head behind the shroud of cocaine. He couldn’t quite get his head to grasp the thought and for his mouth to voice it. His mind was stuck in a limbo of drugs and for once, Joseph didn’t appreciate it. Liam was still standing and waiting but the longer it took Joseph to try and find what he wanted, the other boy’s brows rose higher and higher until they couldn’t rise anymore.

When the silence continued, Liam laughed and shook his head. “Looks like the coke isn’t sitting too well with you, is it? I doubt Kavinsky would ever be able to remember half the random facts that Joseph knows. Tell Joseph to take care of my books for me, will ya?”

Joseph watched as Liam walked off once more. He wanted to conjure up feelings of anger but for some reason…all he felt was sadness. Abandoned. Like Liam should have put in more effort and saved him. Helped him.

Abandoned.

Just like everyone else in his life always did to him.

Feeling a sudden rush of anger along with a pile of frustrations, Joseph stalked over to Jordan’s fancy ass stupid bitch of a sedan. He got himself into perfect stance before swinging hard into the windshield. With a huge crash, the glass shattered, echoing in the quiet lot of the dorm lot.

“Fuck you,” he snarled as he slammed the bat down onto the hood, “and fuck Liam,” another slam, “and Vesela,” crack went the window, “and her bastard,” smash went window number two, “and this whole,” window three and four went off in quick succession, “entire fucking world!”

Swinging hard into the trunk, Joseph dropped the bat and clenched his wrist tight. “Fuck!” The reverberations were running up his arm, lighting it on fire. “Fuck! FUCK!

When one stood in the middle of the dorm lot not only smashing things but also screaming ‘fuck’ at the top of their lungs, it drew attention.

Joseph drew attention.

And yet not a single one of the students even dared to get near him. Fear was a powerful bitch; Joseph knew that firsthand. Straightening and grabbing his bat from the floor while ignoring the twinges running through his arm, Joseph slammed the back windshield and watched in satisfaction and glee as it joined the rest of the glass in shattering into millions of pieces.

It was poetic, he had to admit. The car was damaged, Joseph was damaged. The car was dented, Joseph sure as fuck was full of dents. The car was shattered.

He’d been shattered for years.

Yet no one ever helped him. No one ever fucking loved him or even liked him to help. They just right up abandoned him.

Abandoned.

Abandoned.

Abandoned.

Walking around the other side of the car, Joseph listened as some kid whispered to his buddy “Dude, isn’t that Jordan’s car?”

“Fuck, yeah, I think it is. Shit. What’d he do for Kavinsky to be all pissed like this?”

“Idiot, Kavinsky is naturally pissed. That bat could’ve been for us just like it had been for the car. All that matters is his mood, man. Just shut up and he won’t do anything to us.”

Fear, such a beautiful thing.

 

* * *

 

“Jordan!” some shouted on the other side of his door. “Dude, you need to come out quick!”

That wasn’t particularly appealing. Jordan hadn’t left his room in months unless it was for class, a shower, or to wash his laundry. Also to buy groceries to hide back in his room because he couldn’t even bring himself to eat in the café anymore. Just sitting around people made him feel sick.

He hadn’t really spoken to anyone in a long while, he had quite the lacrosse team to his coach’s chagrin, and he became the absolute definition of a dorm hermit. Jordan just couldn’t handle people. The guilt of everything would climb up his throat even faster than it usually did and he’d end up sicker than he usually was.

Dealing with that was not easy. But he had brought it upon himself, hadn’t he?

The knock came again except this time much harder and more insistent. “Jordan! Seriously, come out! Kavinsky is fucking up your car!”

That’s funny, it just sounded like he said that Kavinsky was-

“There’s not much left of it and if you take any longer, there won’t be anything! Hurry up! Everyone is too afraid to stop him!”

Fucking up his car?

He jumped to his feet with this thought but then he halted in his tracks. Could he bring himself to face Kavinsky? And then there was the even bigger question.

Could _Kavinsky_ handle seeing _Jordan_? The last thing he wanted to do was induce some sort of panic or even fight for that matter. There was no way Jordan would be able to hit back just on the basis of his overwhelming guilt. It didn’t matter how many times he told himself it had been just casual sex because deep down, Jordan knew it wasn’t. It didn’t matter that he had been drunk at the time; that wasn’t an excuse. It’d never be an excuse.

Jordan had literally taken advantage of a drunk Kavinsky and…ra-forced sex upon him.

Even thinking the ‘r’ word was too hard for him.

The knock came one last time. “Say goodbye to your car!”

He…he kind of really liked his car but maybe if Kavinsky took out his anger on Jordan’s car…things would be better? The other boy could have just as easily been using the bat on Jordan himself. Or…maybe he couldn’t have because he wouldn’t have been able to handle seeing Jordan.

His…rapist.

“Fuck,” Jordan whispered under his breath, clenching his fists. Taking in a shaky breath before slipping on his shoes and a hat so maybe people wouldn’t stare at him even though they had no idea what had occurred, Jordan yanked his door open and rushed out.

If anything…he’d at least make sure that Kavinsky wasn’t arrested. Jordan could do that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	56. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> More Jordan pov and some Joseph/Nikol chit chat. That's fun right?  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Would you like to check your attitude?”_

Fucked was an understatement to the mess that his Benz was.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Whoever had shouted for him through the door hadn’t been kidding when he had said that no one was going to do anything. There was a crowd literally just watching Kavinsky land blow after blow to Jordan’s car with a metal bat. There wasn’t even that much left of his car for Kavinsky to murder and yet he kept going.

Slam, after slam, after slam.

And yet, even while he watched this brutal destruction, Jordan didn’t even feel the need to stop Kavinsky. He just…couldn’t bring himself to. It was like…a weird form of justice? Like the car was in place of Jordan.

Jordan who deserved the beating.

Worry started to bubble in his heart when his eyes caught on the golf cart of Aglionby security. Kavinsky was vandalizing, sure, but Jordan didn’t want him to get in trouble for it. He just kind of wanted him to get everything off his chest. Maybe beating the Benz was a comping mechanism?

Maybe Jordan really was a rapist.

“Put the bat down!” shouted one of the security guards, a huge hulking mass of a man that literally terrified Jordan from his enormity. Talk about threatening. “Bat! Down!” Squinting, Jordan tried to make sense of what the guard was-

Fuck. Was that a taser? Shit, shit, shit.

Kavinsky turned to face the advancing guards, but he only lowered the bat instead of dropping it completely. “Oh hello!”

Right. Kavinsky snorted coke. Shit. He was probably high as fuck. Fucking shit. What if they searched him and they found drugs on him? Wasn’t that like a felony or something? Oh dear God. He couldn’t have Kavinsky getting arrested for that. No way. Shit. He couldn’t have Kavinsky getting arrested for anything. No fucking way.

Jordan and his conscience were dying for just a little relief. Just a little.

“Put the bat down, kid!” the other guard shouted, also having his taser out and ready to fire. “Put. It. Down. C’mon, we don’t want any problems.”

Laughing, Kavinsky pointed his bat at the first guard. “Pretty sure it’s illegal to tase a child. Tsk, tsk, tsk, mister!”

“The bat!”

They wouldn’t tase him, would they? No way?

Shit fuck, Jordan hated his life.

Kavinsky just smiled even wider and swung the bat around, testing the guards. It was like he actually _wanted_ them to use the taser on him. He couldn’t be that stupid, could he?

Stupid, no.

Damaged, maybe.

Okay, Jordan could handle this. Jordan could fix this. Not fix, but at least do something. But he needed to do something in a way where Kavinsky wouldn’t see him. Jordan had no idea what type of effect he’d have on the other boy and he didn’t want to find out. Kavinsky would be better off without knowing that Jordan was around. He needed…

Liam.

Jordan’s eyes caught on the blonde head of his fr- _former_ friend. Liam could do something.

“Bat! Put it down!” The big and burly guard – guard number one – seemed to be becoming either pissed or frustrated. Probably both, actually. “NOW!”

Any second now Jordan knew that the taser would end up going off. Fuck, he couldn’t have that. Jordan’s psyche couldn’t handle seeing that. Praying that Liam hadn’t changed his number in a passive aggressive fit, Jordan quickly pulled out his phone and shot off a text as fast as his fingers could go. He felt the milliseconds tick by as Liam pulled out his phone and looked down. When he finally looked Jordan’s way, Jordan waved the blonde boy over.

A wary glance was on Liam’s face but at least he came, right? “What.”

“I need you to tell the guards that I don’t care about my car. That they really really _really_ don’t need to tase Kavinsky.” What if the guards didn’t listen? Fuck. What if _Liam_ didn’t want to listen? “I don’t care if my car is smashed; I just don’t want to see him get hurt or arrested.”

Crossing his arms while Jordan felt like hours flew by, Liam replied “More than you’ve already hurt him?”

“Liam, please!” Jordan blew in frustration. The scene with the guards and Kavinsky was far more interesting than them so no one turned to see what was up. “I get it, I do, okay? But I can’t watch them tase him despite how much he is fucking asking for it. So, _please_. I’d do it myself but I don’t think it’s a good idea if he sees me.”

His nod was the slowest nod in the world. Jesus fucking Christ. “Yeah, that wouldn’t be a good idea.” Liam’s head turned to the scene before them, the guards far more closer, Kavinsky far more excited, and time running the fuck out. “I’ll stop them.”

Thank fucking God.

  

* * *

 

Honestly?

Kavinsky was feeling a little gypped right now.

Stupid, dangerous, and painful. Was that too much to ask for? You think he would have fucking cared if the guard had used the taser on him? The fuck no. Sure, he had completely forgotten about campus security and their stupid little golf carts but the surprise hadn’t been unwelcome. Kavinsky hadn’t minded. But noooooo.

Fucking Liam.

He knew that Liam hadn’t done it for Jordan’s car; it was ‘for Kavinsky.’ The blonde bastard probably didn’t want to see Joseph get tased. Why did he have to act all nice and shit? Kavinsky didn’t want nice and he sure as fuck wanted to get the electric shock. Just a fucking taste; he wasn’t asking for much.

What if he shocked himself? He could totally dream up a kickass taser. But…nah… It just wouldn’t be as satisfying. Kavinsky needed someone to tase him. Brought about the whole effect. Tasing himself would just be pathetic. Joseph was the pathetic one, not Kavinsky.

Maybe he could make the bitch tase him. She was typically high enough to pull off something like that.

Throwing his bat into the trunk of his car, Kavinsky slammed it shut before putting his hands on his hips and huffing. Day? Completely. Ruined. Mood? Ruined. But at least Jordan’s car was a big old fucking mess. Despite not wanting to think about him…Kavinsky had to admit that he was surprised that the lacrosse player hadn’t made an appearance. He was always fucking pretentious so maybe the ass just didn’t care.

Fucking bitch.

He really didn’t want to go home but he literally couldn’t think of a single place to go. Going to his lot wasn’t at all appealing and driving around to find people to piss off didn’t either. Maybe he’d just go piss off the bitch? It’d make going home way more appealing. “Fine,” he muttered as he jumped into his car, doing a line off the dash before he turned it on and drove off. At least he got the need to commit violence out of his system. The need to piss off never went away anymore so that’d have to be exercised for sure.

The house phone was ringing as Kavinsky walked in. It was tradition to at least check the caller I.D. so he walked over to fulfill the duty. For some reason, he actually…had the urge to answer. It’d been more than a year now and yet…

“Hello?” Kavinsky said in all his cocaine high cheer. What better way to piss off Vesela than to reveal to the world what she was doing? “You’ve reached the home of the eternally high Kavinskys. How may I help you?” Complete silence. Fuck, the caller wasn’t even breathing. It was honestly and fully hilarious. So Kavinsky laughed because why not? Jumping up to sit atop the kitchen counter, Kavinsky snorted “What’s wrong, dear Nikol, cat got your tongue?”

“J-Joseph?”

He snorted loud. “Fuck no, idiot. Joseph died years ago! No, no, you’re on the line with Kavinsky. Joseph’s gone gone gone. No more Joseph here except in his nightmares where no one can hide from the truth.”

“Jos-”

“I said there’s no fucking Joseph! What part of ‘he died’ don’t you get, bitch!” Joseph was a joke. Joseph was a loser. Joseph was a fag. Joseph was dead.

And no one would ever miss him.

The silence came again except it was one where he could tell that there was a lot of thinking happening. Thinking wasn’t supposed to be going on. No, no, not at all. Kavinsky only wanted to pass a message along, not have to hear whatever the older bitch Dobrev had to say. “Listen, listen, listen, miss Nikol. I only answered because I have the need to tell you an important announcement.”

“Okay,” she said slowly, “Go ahead and tell me then. And after you tell me, give me your mother to talk.”

Breaking into a fit of laughter both wonderful and painful, Kavinsky replied “Bitch, who do you think the announcement is about? You didn’t actually believe I was going to say something about myself, did you? No, no, no, no, noooooo. And once I tell you, trust me, you’ll want to talk to your sister.”

He barely caught the sound of a deep breath. Miss Nikol here was probably just barely keeping her temper in check. Shame because Kavinsky would love for her to blow. He’d never had the opportunity to yell at her before. “Then tell me, _Kavinsky._ Let’s hear what miniature Ivo has to say.”

Now it was his turn to be at a loss for words. This bitch dared? “Fuck you.”

“Yeah, he says that a lot. Always has. Practically his first fully coherent English phrase actually. So go ahead, tell me what I need to hear about my sister. I’m waiting, _Kavinsky._ ”

Every time she said his name, she spit it with so much venom that he was surprised he wasn’t poisoned from just the phone. “Well, _bitch,_ I just thought you’d like to know that your sister doesn’t find the time to call you because she’s busy getting high. I’m pretty sure she’s burned through her septum faster than I have and that says a lot, lemme tell you. Cocaine ain’t no joke, Nikol. Hey, tell me, have Andrey and Ivet fucked yet? I’m curious.”

“Give me mayko,” Dobrev Bitch One said in such a harsh and stiff tone that Kavinsky actually looked at the phone in surprise like an idiot. He had no idea what looking at the phone was supposed to do but her tone literally caused the reaction. “Give me her to talk to now, Joseph.”

Oop, mistake. “Bitch, what did we-”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Give me your mother. Now.”

“And if I don’t feel like it? This house has a lot of stairs. Such an exhaustion to drag myself up them. And there’s no way she’s coming down. She’s too fucking high!” Kavinsky broke into cackling laughs. “Get it? She’s high? Get it?”

“I get it,” she replied. It sounded like the dear aunt was gritting her teeth or biting her tongue. Man, did he wish he could unleash her fury. His words just weren’t working. “Now. Give me mayko.”

“Hmm…I don’t particularly feel like it, Nikol. And, hey, you never answered my question. Did they fuck? Or you don’t know? He doesn’t seem the type to tell…” He trailed off as he picked at a scab on his wrist. Yeah, Andrey so wouldn’t tell. “Maybe check if he has condoms in his drawer? But what if he’s stupid and doesn’t use them? Huh, possibility really. I guess that makes me the better grandchild of Dobrev’s, right? Only an idiot would want to accidently make babies. Or get nasty ass diseases. Not that I’m saying that Ivet has nasty diseases. Hey, did you know I had sex already? Twice. Well, three if you count a blowjob. Did you know? Did you?”

Her voice was far steadier like she took the time it took him to speak to get a grip on herself. “I don’t know if they’ve had sex. No, I won’t go through his things and I hope that if he is having sex, he isn’t stupid. And no, I didn’t know. Am I supposed to congratulate you?”

Kavinsky watched as his mother stumbled over to the stairs, making her way down slowly. “Yes, actually, you are. I came three times from three different lovely ladies. _Ladies_. And you all thought I was some fag? Ha! I proved all you bitches wrong.”

“Well then congrats, Kavinsky. While I have you in such a talkative mood, would you like to talk to anyone else? The Crippled Bastard has been glaring at me the whole time we talked and the Possibly has Fucked Brat too. I’m not as good as you at giving insulting nicknames. Maybe you need to fix them for me.”

He clucked his tongue. “Silly bitch, Kavinsky does nothing for free. Fix your own insults. And look! Your bitch sister has finally dragged herself out from her drug hole!” Grinning broad, Kavinsky waved to Vesela who was slowly walking over to the kitchen. She was coming off a high, he could tell. Her eyes looked just that bit of aware enough. “Hello, Vesela! Come talk to your sister! She and I have finished our chit chat.” Focusing back on the woman on the line, he laughed “I’ve no need to speak to anyone, silly goose! I only spoke to you so you’d know the truth. My mother was always good at being a liar. But fuck, where do we all think I got it from? Have a nice rest of your day, bitch.”

When she finally stumbled close enough to him, Kavinsky handed off the phone to his mother. He could just barely hear his tétka saying something but he was very much done now. Everything he had wanted to say was said.

Ironically, the only thing that stayed on his mind the whole rest of the day was whether or not Andrey and Ivet had fucked yet. He couldn’t help if he was curious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	57. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> News, news, news, news, news
> 
> EMILIO  
> Emilio's story is here! Well, technically. Officially, he starts tomorrow! I'm scheduling him for Fridays. I know he's either a love him or hate him character but I hope you guys take the time to read. It's pretty much just a story about a bi kid going through high school. That should float everyone's boats
> 
> I hope y'all are enjoying this story as we go. In case you're lost, we're in late August 2011.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"The forest does nothing. You control it. It’s you.”_

“That doesn’t bug you when you eat?”

Kavinsky spared a glance to the guy taking a piss in the urinal closest to the sinks. Who the hell talks while pissing? The water timed out before he finished washing his hands, so he hit the button again and resumed. “What?”

Zipping his pants and flushing, the boy came to the sink next to him and started to wash his hands. Thank God. He’d seen a couple guys who didn’t even bother washing and Kavinsky had never been more disgusted in his life. Glancing to Kavinsky in the mirror, the boy clarified “The piercing. That’s a piercing in your tongue, isn’t it? Doesn’t bother you?”

“Oh, nah.” Actually, it had bugged the fuck out of him in the beginning but it was fine now. He had just needed to get the hang of it was all. “Doesn’t bug you to chat while your dick is hanging out?”

The other boy smiled a crooked grin as he grabbed some napkins, handing a few to Kavinsky before drying his own hands. “I’m not ashamed of what I have. Plus, I just think I’m used to it. I had a friend who I’d known for years and we weren’t very good at boundaries. When you know someone for so long, anything goes, you know? Like brothers.”

Yeah, actually he knew. Well, Joseph knew. Kavinsky didn’t do friends. And it wasn’t that he cared about the talking, it was just the concept of urinals that bothered him. Always had really. People didn’t need to look at him, especially now because he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle even an accidental glance. “Yeah, I guess. You new?” He didn’t know everyone obviously but he felt like he’d remember if he ever saw a dude with such crooked shoulders or big ears. Those definitely made a person stand out. “Don’t think I’ve seen you around school before.”

“My first year,” the boy nodded, “Not the first of high school, just the first being here.” He held out his freshly cleaned hand for a shake. “Sasha Prokopenko.”

Huh, possibly Eastern European. Cool. But Sasha? Unless…whatever European decent this guy had in him was close to Bulgarian language. Sasho was a nickname for Aleksandar so maybe… Taking the hand, he shook it and replied “Kavinsky.”

Sasha’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “Kavinsky, huh?” With a quick once over, he replied “Dunno if you’re what I expected or not. Heard a lot of shit about you. Not good shit which I’m sure you know.” He very obviously knew. There was no good shit attached to his name and never would be. “Didn’t you have like a tank or some shit at a party or something? My roommate says you did.”

Heh. The tank. Yeah, that shit was fucking awesome. It’d taken him a week of practice and a shit ton of drugs until it had come out from his head correctly. His first Fourth party had been epic and Kavinsky had needed a way to make the next one even more epic. Now how did one go about that when they already reached the bar? Duh, they raised the bar even higher.

So he dreamed up an entire fucking tank.

Then blew it to pieces.

Stuff of legend.

Leaning on the sink as he stuffed his hands in his pockets while not caring that he was missing class, Kavinsky laughed “I fucking had a tank. My parties are legend, Sasha. Your roommate went?”

“Yup,” Sasha nodded with a shrug, “He came during the summer. I just got here a week ago before school started. No one comes here because they want to so I dragged it out as much as I could. This place is like one huge fucking prison where rich people ship off their kids so they don’t have to deal with them.”

Kavinsky considered the boy before him carefully. Dare he think it but…he kind of liked this guy. Or at least, he liked his personality. His mindset. Kavinsky wouldn’t mind being friendly with the guy. Just friendly, though, nothing more than that. “Ain’t that the truth. Next time I got a party, you should come around. Bring the roommate too.”

The crooked grin came back along with a light in his hazel eyes. “Yeah, sure. Warning though, I don’t do drugs, man, so if you try to pressure me, I’ll beat the fucking shit out of you.”

Oh, he really liked this funky looking dude’s personality. Shrugging with a dangerous smile, Kavinsky snorted “Princess, I don’t peer pressure. I don’t need to because anyone who hangs around me? Worships the ground under my feet. Including my drugs.”

“My friend and I always wanted to be rebels,” Sasha said with a raised brow, defiance hard in his eyes, “I won’t be worshiping shit. If I ever decide to hop onto your happy train, it’ll be because of my own choice. Nothing to do with you, fucking asshole.”

With his dangerous smile becoming a manic one, Kavinsky broke into laughter. Yanking the new dude over, he wrapped and arm around his sloping shoulders to the other boy’s discomfort and replied “I like you. Rather, I like your personality. Don’t get the two confused, Aleksandar. Be-”

“Sasha,” the other boy cut in harshly. If the harshness was intense before, it was plain dangerous now.

He definitely liked.

“My name,” Sasha continued stiffly as he pushed off Kavinsky’s arm, “is Sasha. If you hate it when people call you Joseph, then have the same fucking respect for someone else. I don’t know how you know my name-”

“Your nickname.” Sasha glared at him with the only evidence of his curiosity a raised brow. Crossing his arms and once more leaning on the sink edge, Kavinsky said “Sasha. In Bulgarian, Sasho is a nickname for people named Aleksandar.”

Nodding slowly, Sasha replied “Ukrainian. Sasha for Aleksandr. But I hate it so I don’t use it. Named after a bitch who deserves to burn in hell.”

This guy got more interesting by the second. “I was named after an abusive grandfather so I guess we didn’t exactly win out, did we?”

Snorting while rolling his eyes, Sasha’s crooked smile slowly grew back onto his face. “Guess not. I gotta get back to class but…I’ll see you around.”

“Prokopenko is a fuck of a mouthful,” Kavinsky called out as Sasha walked away. The lanky boy turned and shrugged as if ‘and???’ “How about just Proko?”

It seemed like he had to think for a minute before Sasha finally nodded. He shoved his hands in his pockets and replied “I left behind everything important in New York. Might as well leave my name too.”

Ooh, a New Yorker. The pricks who thought they were better than Kavinsky and his fellow Jersey trash. “New York? Damn. Talk about irony, yeah?”

Hazel eyes sparkling with a smirk, Proko snorted “Yeah, ironic. Do know that I will call you Jersey trash, probably frequently.”

It was official.

Kavinsky liked this guy.

Walking back into class, he smiled wide as the teacher gave him a disapproving look. How did the guy know that maybe Kavinsky had been having bathroom problems? He didn’t. Kavinsky wanted to tell the guy to that degree but he didn’t feel like detention today. Too much effort. He took his seat in the back of one of the lamest classes in the world and resumed tracing his veins with a Sharpie.

Latin. Who the fuck decided that high schoolers had need for _Latin._ The fuck, man. The fuck-ing fuck. Sigh.

“Kavinsky. Mr. Kavinsky. Earth to Joseph Kavinsky!”

His head flew up from focusing on tracing, glancing around until he noticed the teacher once again glaring at him with his hands on his hips. With a wink and a smile, Kavinsky said “Yes?”

“The answer, please.”

The answer. Huh. Scratching his head and thinking that he might have accidently gotten some Sharpie on his face, Kavinsky tried to think if he had heard anything beyond his thoughts. He was pretty sure he hadn’t. “Well…what’s the question?”

Some kids snorted or tried to stifle their laughter. One in particular was staring at him like he wanted to know why Kavinsky even bothered. Honestly, Kavinsky wanted to know that too. The teacher who Kavinsky had yet to remember what his name was just looked tired. Like one of his colleagues had warned him and he had gotten exactly what he had expected. “Would you like detention?”

No way that was his original question. “No. Would you like to repeat your original question?”

“Would you like to check your attitude?”

Jeez. And here he was thinking that he was in a good mood. Maybe Kavinsky didn’t actually know his own moods because apparently he was expressing attitude. “Please hold that thought,” he murmured as he found a clean spot on his arm and drew a little meter. Filling it in less than half way, he wrote atop it ‘attitude.’ Raising his arm and showing his new meter, Kavinsky notified “It seems to be under the halfway mark, sir.”

More snickers. Golden boy who had been staring before rolled his eyes before turning around, losing interest. Mr. Whoever looked like he was nearing the end of his rope, the angry blush that had been crawling up his neck now flushing his pale face. “I’ll see you after class, Mr. Kavinsky.”

Like fuck he would. He stretched in his seat, “Can’t be late for my next one, sir. But I’ll keep an eye on my meter for you. Don’t you worry.”

Something, maybe the teacher’s face, told Kavinsky that he’d have a giant list of vocabulary to learn tonight. “Why don’t you go ahead and fill in an extra bar. I believe the meter is going up.”

“Huh,” Kavinsky said as he closely examined his meter, “Maybe, yeah. Gimme a sec here.” Pulling the lid of his marker with his teeth, he colored in another bar. “Looks like we’re hitting half now.”

“Try seventy-five percent and lunch detention.”

Go figure. With a sigh, he wrote ‘lunch detench’ under his meter and filled it up some more. “Okay, got it noted.”

The teacher did not appreciate his humor.

“The fuck am I supposed to do with Latin. How exactly does it prepare me for ‘my future?’” Kavinsky muttered as he started his extra three pages of vocab that the teacher had assigned him. If he was stuck in lunch detention, he might as well make use of it and get this stupidity finished. “Pater.”

“The fuck is a pater?”

Kavinsky picked his head up from the desk and glanced at Prokopenko who took the seat beside him. “Guess you don’t take Latin, huh?”

Prokopenko’s face took on a horribly skeptic look while he pulled out a notebook and dropped it onto the desk. “You take Latin? Why? Who in their right mind takes a dead language?”

So fucking true. But they had said he needed a foreign language and by the time he was allowed to register for classes, Spanish had been filled. Damn because he would have aced that class like nothing.

Despite everything, he couldn’t help but wonder how Emilio was right now. What he was up to. What he was doing right this second. Or how about abuela, his awesome Spanish teacher? Or Mrs. Vidal who was the sweetest woman in the world until, like her daughters, she got Puerto Rican on someone’s ass. Mr. Vidal was probably still kicking crime in the ass and coming home to his family where everyone was always happy to see the other. He couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to grow up in a family like that. His family wasn’t bad or devoid of love, Kavinsky knew that but…they weren’t exactly the most functional bunch.

And yet he loved them.

If he didn’t love his mother, he wouldn’t still be putting up with her in hopes that she’d get better. And if he didn’t love Ivo somewhere deep down in his obliterated soul, he wouldn’t still wish that he’d want Joseph back.

What was the saying? If wishes were ponies… “Everyone would have a pony, right?”

“What?” Proko said in a confused voice, obviously not at all tracking where Kavinsky’s mind had gone. “Ponies?”

“Nevermind,” he sighed as he sat up and focused back down on his stupid ass homework. “How do you know that I don’t want to be the Pope one day? Maybe that’s why I’m taking Latin.”

“Yeah and I want to be the King of England.”

“Can’t,” Kavinsky murmured as he jotted down definitions. “Even if you married a queen, you don’t get the title of king. And pater means father.”

He could feel Prokopenko’s stare on him for a few minutes before the funky shaped boy turned to his notebook. With the sound of pages flipping and a pen clicking, Prokopenko snorted “Cokehead and no less smart, apparently. I wonder what your brain is like when it isn’t covered in drugs.”

“Smarter than you’ll ever manage,” he replied softly, lost in a bit of nostalgia. It wasn’t that the intelligence was gone or that the random facts had gone missing but with a head full of crap, there was no accessing them. The other day, he couldn’t even remember the breed of cat that liked to swim. How much bullshit was that? Joseph Kavinsky, used to be future vet, the ultimate animal nerd, and he couldn’t even remember what the fuck a Maine Coon was?

Bull-fucking-shit.

“Probably yeah,” Proko said, not even close to imagining the turmoil Kavinsky’s brain was going through. There was a loud crinkling sound and Kavinsky glanced over to see his fellow raven boy opening a bag of Cheetos. Shaking the bag to him, he asked “Want?”

What the fuck was hunger? Kavinsky had no idea of the concept anymore. But…who could resist cheesy goodness? He could stomach a few chips before his body revolted. “Eh, sure, why not. What are you in for anyways? Apparently, my attitude was not at its best.”

Prokopenko tossed a few chips in his mouth before wiping his hand on his chinos and picking up his pen. He twirled it between his fingers before answering “Nothing major. Didn’t do my work for the past two days. Not that I couldn’t but I just wasn’t feeling it. I don’t feel much of anything anymore, to be honest.”

“Congrats,” Kavinsky snorted with an eyeroll. “We can be decently friendly, man, but I sure as fuck don’t want your sad little pity party and whatever. Boohoo, Aleksandr has a sob story. Cry, cry, cry.” Making an overly dramatic frown while wiping fake tears, he added “Cry.”

The burning fire from earlier was back and, lord, did Kavinsky relish its beauty. “Fuck. You.”

“Only fags fuck each other, Aleksandr.”

Curiously, the fire burned even brighter, the anger far more raw. Was the Ukrainian here a fag? Interesting concept because if he was, all bets of being friendly were sure as fuck off. Kavinsky was distancing himself from such disgusting concepts. “You’re fucking lucky I can neither hit you in here nor walk out so I’m stuck with your stupid fucking existence.”

Never hurt to ask… “You a fag, Proko?”

“I’m a decent human being,” he hissed back viciously, face contorted in such fury that Kavinsky really thought that he might get hit any second now. “A decent human being who doesn’t hate based on how people love. I hate based on actions and words.”

Wow, look at that. An Emilio-like quality. Kavinsky was unamused from such qualities now. Also, that…didn’t answer the question. Leaning back in his chair, Kavinsky asked “So…?”

One second, he was leaning back with all the power in the room in his hands. The next, he was flat against the floor in pain, suppressing a groan. Blinking up at the looming figure with the crooked shoulders, Kavinsky laughed “Okay, so, topic dropped then. Like you just dropped me and my chair. Rude, just so you know.”

Frustration mixed in with Prokopenko’s anger. “You’re fucking annoying. Goddammit.”

“Yup,” he replied, keeping his position on the floor because getting up was way too much effort. Was this the end of a blooming nonfriendship? “So?”

Shaking his head and returning to his seat and his work, Prokopenko snorted “So? So nothing. Watch your mouth. That’s it.”

He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	58. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Dreams are fun to play in...play with? Idk, y'all get my drift
> 
> Very special thanks goes to my lovely beta inwaytoodeepopps who throws ideas at the writing god with me. As usual, suggestions are always open, comments whether positive or a criticism are welcome, questions, and any other stuff. Snapshots are also always open
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Dying. What’s it like.”_

Tripping on a tree root that definitely wasn’t there a second ago, Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he stumbled through his hell. Okay, so it was his forest but he totally called bullshit. Maybe monstrous forest hence…hell. Like that movie Monster House where the house was evil.

He honestly couldn’t believe that this place use to be his beautiful refuge. The place where he’d run away to so he didn’t have to put up with reality. Reality was fucked but then so was dreaming nowadays. “So what exactly is there for me?”

Who knew.

“Fuck,” he muttered as he stumbled down to the floor, the knees of his cargo pants now stained green from the grass. Honestly, he was surprised the forest even gave him grass to land on. That was a kindness he hadn’t had in a while.

“The forest,” came a voice that Joseph had no clue from where or from who it came from, “did nothing. The forest _does_ nothing. You control it. It’s _you._ ”

Sitting up, Joseph glanced around warily. The only people who had ever been in his forest were Diana and his grandfather. Diana came when she felt like it which hadn’t happened in a very long time and his grandfather hadn’t come back in years. Joseph didn’t want him to come back; it was too dangerous for the sweet man.

Oh, irony there. Too dangerous for the mobster.

Ha, ha. Good one, Joseph.

“That’s bull, man,” Joseph replied to whoever had spoken, still not locating the culprit. Where was the fucker? He peered through the trees and bushes and over to the clearing he had been making his way to but there was no one. There wasn’t even movement or the sound of it. Joseph turned his head again to- “Jesus fuck!”

An older – older like grandpa old or more than that – man raised a bushy brow as he stared down at Joseph. He was wearing a white knit sweater but not where he looked cheesy. No, no, this man looked classy, distinguished even, with his fitted slacks and shining dress shoes. Was that a pocket watch chain? Damn. Joseph did not think he was fancy enough to have a guy like this walking around in his head.

Why the fuck was this guy walking around in his head?

“Such a filthy mouth,” the man disdained with a scrunched up nose.

Joseph couldn’t believe it but he literally felt embarrassed. What. The. Fuck. “Um, sorry.” The man was still just standing and staring down at him so Joseph took the time to examine him further. He looked…familiar. But he knew for a fact that he had never met this man so… “Um…hi…”

“Hello.”

Great, so the guy wasn’t going to introduce himself then. At least he wasn’t still scrunching his nose like Joseph was gross. He wasn’t because he had taken a shower before he had gone to bed.

Huh…his nose…

“Prádyádo?” Joseph tried tentatively. Only Dobrevs had noses like those. They literally all had the same nose except his mother’s and tétka’s were just a tad smaller than his grandfather’s. “Right? Atanas?”

The deep brown eyes roved over him, taking in every inch. “Can’t say I’m very impressed with what my legacy is.”

“You…would’ve liked me better a year and a half ago. I liked me better a year and a half ago. Really, I actually liked myself a year and a half ago. Now…”

“Not so much?”

Blushing and looking down at his hands, he bit his lip before he whispered “Not at all.”

“I know. I can feel every inch of hate in here. It’s quite suffocating.”

“Sorry.”

“C’mon, to your feet. I don’t allow mopers around me. Such a Debbie Downer. Up, Joseph.” Welp, time for a journey with a dead guy. Why not? It wasn’t like he was doing anything. “I may be dead but I’m far from senile. Up.”

Sighing because this place was such a fucking pain, Joseph dragged himself to his feet and stood before his very classy looking great-grandfather. “Question.”

“I’d imagine you have many.”

“Well, yeah but this is just off my head here…you a mobster?”

Atanas was very unamused if his look was anything to go by. “That is your question?”

Scratching his head, Joseph shrugged and replied “As you said, I have many. That’s just the first one. I come from a family of mobsters; I had to see if you were one. I never asked anyone before.”

Shaking his head in disappointment like Joseph was definitely not living up to his expectations, his great-grandfather nodded in a direction. “Walk with me, boy. Let’s talk.” They began walking only for him to pause, “And no. Not a mobster.”

“Oh. Hmm.”

“Businessman.”

He snorted. “According to Ivo, that’s the same thing.”

“Ivo?”

Right, this guy had died…what? A year or two before his mother’s family had met Ivo maybe? “The husband of one of your granddaughters. The man who sadly had a hand in my birth.”

Atanas nodded as they continued walking. The forest hushed into a quiet peace whenever they walked by. Did this man have that much power to quiet someone else’s mind? Or was it like a respect sort of thing? “Your father. You are the son of?”

“Vesela.”

“Ah,” his prádyádo said with a soft smile, “My sweet Vesela. But sneaky, my Vesela. She was the quiet to Nikol’s loud but no less strong, no less smart, and no less brash.”

Yup, that was his mother. Gnawing his lip, Joseph asked “Can I ask more questions?” Maybe he was like Diana and-

“I am no Diana. She is a beast, that one. Uncultured to the max. Truly, she is a lamya. Not traditional, of course, but no less one.”

Funny how Joseph never thought to think of Diana as a lamya when she was quite literally a hostile dragon in a Bulgarian boy’s brain. How was he supposed to know that he should connect mythology with his dreams? “Lamya are usually water spirits though.”

Swinging his cane around in a circle as they walked because apparently it was just for show and not walking, Atanas snorted “I did say not traditional. She is as she is and takes as she is given. She is a he and yet she is a she and then she is but a they. She is where she is and she is needed as she is needed. Diana is simply ‘be.’”

“The fuck…?” he whispered to himself. Dear Lord, he was more confused than ever. “You’ve lost me.”

“You’ve always been lost, now more than ever. You were on a track, a straight road, and you threw it away and now you are once more lost. You must be found. Find yourself, Joseph.”

“Honestly, you’re the reason I’m completely lost right now. I’ve no clue the fuck you’re saying.”

With a heavy sigh, his great-grandfather halted and rested a hand on Joseph’s shoulder. His gaze was a heavy one. Heavy in not only knowing but wisdom too. All Joseph could see in that moment was his grandfather. “You play this game, Joseph, of not knowing, of not _owning_ who and what you are. You have potential and yet you’re letting your light fade. Ignite it, Joseph. You come in here with the intent to steal, with the pride of stealing when you are successful. What does that pride earn you, huh? Happiness for but a minute? That is what you want?”

Joseph…had already laid out his wants to his mother months ago. Wanting just wasn’t something he was allowed though. It as a sin just as much as him being a fag was. Being a murderer too because you weren’t supposed to go around killing people either.

“You have a gift, Joseph,” his prádyádo continued with full vigor, “Joseph, a _gift._ One more powerful than anything and yet you waste it. Why?”

It surprised him when he realized the bubbling growing inside him was actually anger. And once he recognized that it was indeed his fury, Joseph realized _why_ he was angry. “Did ever occur to you that I don’t want this? Why can’t- why couldn’t I just be normal! You know how much _better_ my life would have been? Could be?”

A stern but repressed anger flitted onto Atanas’ face. Joseph wasn’t understanding his point and the man didn’t appreciate it. “Joseph, if you were ‘normal,’ if you did not have the gift that you do, where would you be now? Whe-”

“Jersey!” he shouted, throwing his hands up into the air in frustration. “I’d be home and I’d be with my family and I wouldn’t be a fucking stoned coke addict! My mother would be happy and healthy! I-”

“But your father would be no less dead!” Atanas yelled back, red faced and lost in his own frustrations, “You shot him! You killed him! Put him in hell to burn for eternity! Do you actually believe your life would have gone back to normal had anyone known? Your trial would have probably barely even happened! These things take time; you would not have been simply let off the hook like that, you foolish child! Where would you be without this power, with that the ability to remake a man in a matter of hours? Jail! Rotting in a group home for troubled children!”

The murder flashed before his eyes in seconds. The yelling. The quiet _pew_ of the gun firing with the silencer on. The blood splatters and pools and his father dropping like a ton, dead in milliseconds.

His father.

“Would minor things have been different? Sure! But nothing major in your life was affected by the blessing you were given! You are still gay, your father still once upon a time a homophobe, and you still would have been caught! You would have still been afraid! The gun still would have been removed from his waistband! You still would have been terrified! You still. Would. Have. Fired. That. Gun.”

“Stop,” Joseph whispered, tears building up in his eyes. “Please.”

Grabbing both of Joseph’s shoulders, Atanas said in a steady voice “Joseph, nothing would have been different. Nothing major in your life would have changed. It is how it is. It is written already and you simply follow your path. You killed him, Joseph. It may have been an accident in fear but it is a tarnish on your light and it happened. Nothing will ever change that. You were frightened and only the worst was running through your mind. You couldn’t have known that what you thought was never going to happen. But it’s okay; we can develop you on from-”

“What?” he interrupted with wide eyes.

Atanas looked confused. “What?”

His heart was pounding so loud, Joseph heard nothing but the panicked beat of his realization. “W-What you just said. The part…the part about…it never happening. What do you mean?”

Looking like he regretted saying it, his prádyádo stepped back and put his hands in the pockets of his slacks. Just a touch of sadness entered his shuttered face. “Joseph, he would have never have done it.”

Clenching his hands into tight fists with his tears streaming freely down his face, Joseph took in the words of one of his worst nightmares besides the dark.

The truth.

It took many shapes, many forms, many words. But it was what Joseph always feared and what Joseph could never get away from. It was why in his dreams he could only ever be himself – Joseph – but in reality, he pushed the lines and was Kavinsky. The truth was always lurking, could never be hidden, no matter how hard someone tried to bury it.

The truth never went away.

When his mind felt like tormenting him, he dreamed of happy times and of memories of when he actually had a family. He mostly dreamed of the times spent with his father and the beauty of them when he could hear his father’s laughter or see his smiles instead of hearing the shouting or seeing the hate. And when those parts played on constant repeat, Joseph knew that his father would have never have hurt him. He may have belted him, pulled his hair, hit him, or kicked him but those just didn’t matter. They were minor, minuscule repercussions that Joseph didn’t care about. They were irrelevant because he knew that he mattered to his father. It may have taken years but Joseph had found the realization and knew the truth. Which was why he knew a startling truth that haunted him every second of every minute of every hour.

His father would have never put a bullet in him. Joseph knew it for a fact in the truth of his dreams but hearing it confirmed…just made it all the more real that Joseph had killed an innocent man.

Innocent in that he wouldn’t have shot Joseph. His father was very obviously far from innocent.

“You didn’t even know his name a few minutes ago,” Joseph realized aloud. He turned accusing tear-filled eyes at his prádyádo, “You have no way of knowing what he may or may not have done.”

“Joseph, my child, I am in your head. All I have to do is reach out and feel every inch of your thought. You know as well as I do that he wouldn’t have shot you. And of course, you can always just ask him. From what I have discerned, you two have always shared secrets with each other.”

Snorting as he dropped down onto his ass to sit on the floor, Joseph just shook his head. Yeah, okay, ask him. Call him up and be like ‘hey, fake Ivo? Quick question. Were you going to shoot me? Oh, that’s right, your forged memory doesn’t remember it all. Lemme recap the beating for you.’

Yeah, okay.

“That’s not what I said,” Atanas sighed. “Ask _him_ , not the creation of him.”

Wasn’t this guy supposed to be smart? “He’s dead. How the fuck am I supposed to ask?”

Looking up to the sky with his palms flat up like ‘dear Lord, grant me patience,’ Atanas looked down at Joseph while leaning on his uber fancy cane. “But you remade him. You took his memories, his thoughts, his personality, his _being,_ and made him, Joseph. You did not pull those things from scratch; they’re from him. You are now intertwined whether you intended it or not. There are repercussions for actions, Joseph. That forgery now shares your life. You die? So does it. Physically, no, because that did not come from you but mentally, that’s all from your head.” He gestured to the forest around them, “From here.”

Picking at the cuts along his arm as he tried to catch up to all these ‘revelations,’ Joseph murmured “So…technically…?”

Atanas huffed. “In plain simple English although I believed you to be smarter-”

“Not in this world, man.”

“You own his life force. His energy, his vitality. I can use a different billion words in a billion different languages to express this concept. He runs on you, on this place.”

Joseph leaned back on his arms at stared at his great-grandfather curiously. “So…”

“Uh,” his prádyádo muttered, “Youth these days.” Crossing his arms, he snorted “So, if he’s a part of you now, a part of your head, and this place is only you then…?”

Then…

No, that would be crazy.

“Would it?”

Scrunching his face into thought because for some reason that actually worked for everyone, Joseph bit his lip as he considered this. Joseph took his father’s ‘life force’-

“Take it out of quotes. It’s a real thing.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Joseph grumbled under his breath, “Why can’t my thoughts be my own?”

“They are but we’re in your head, remember? They echo around here if you know how to tune into the proper frequency.”

Uh. Okay, so life force without quotations. Joseph’s head was pretty much its own world and housed a lot of shit that he no longer knew how to get to without drugs but that was on him. Now, Joseph made a copy Ivo and used up old Ivo’s spirit thing to do it. To give the body life. So spirit Ivo was alive as long as Joseph was. Spirit Ivo…

“C’mon, Joseph, think! You’ve seen him before, don’t you remember?”

No, that had been only a dream. A good one.

“Where do dreams come from but you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	59. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“I would think that your biggest regret would be cocaine not Emilio but to each his own, I guess.”_

Smiling to his Latin teacher who Kavinsky had still yet to learn his name, he waited until he was prompted to speak. It usually unnerved people when someone just stood and said nothing and, well, Kavinsky liked unnerving people. After another minute of quiet smiling before class started, the teacher finally sighed and gave his full attention to Kavinsky. “Yes, Mr. Kavinsky.”

At least he wasn’t bitter or anything about what had happened a couple of days ago. Kavinsky wanted him nice and fresh for today. “Just wanted to let you know that if you ever need me to check my attitude, I had a proper meter installed.” Kavinsky started laughing as he flipped his right arm palm side up for the teacher to see his newest tattoo sitting just above his inner elbow. Drake had thought the idea was hilarious.

It wasn’t large but in black ink was an empty meter with interval lines every ten ‘attitude points.’ Above it in a nice bold font was ‘ATTITUDE METER’ and beneath it in nice little letters was ‘black sharpie use only.’ He always had a Sharpie on him anyways so it was the best way to fill in his meter when needed. Kavinsky also had ‘notes:’ written right beneath the meter in case there was something extra like the lunch detention from before.

It was perfect.

Nodding slowly as he looked at it, the teacher finally replied “Well, thank you, I suppose. Go ahead and put in a ten for starters.”

“Yeah, sure,” he laughed as he pulled out his Sharpie from his pocket as he walked to his desk in the back of the room. Popping off the lid, he colored in the first bar and then held up a thumbs up with a smile. “Okay, all good!”

The teacher sighed but got up from his chair to begin class because, really, what else was he supposed to do. Kavinsky only listened to the lecture with half an ear as he doodled a car on his paper. It wasn’t anything like the beauties he used to be able to do but it was still a nice Viper. When the class phone rang, he paid it even less of an ear than he had been giving until the teacher called “Mr. Kavinsky. Take your things and head to the office.”

Picking his head up from his doodle, Kavinsky looked at his teacher in confusion. “Huh?”

He returned his focus to the words he had been writing on the board. “Office called for you. Take your things.”

Huh.

Packing up his things quickly because he couldn’t help the curiosity itching in his mind, he got up and walked out, making his way to the office building as fast as he could. When he walked in, there didn’t seem to be anything odd or out of the ordinary. Kavinsky went up to the secretary and asked “I was told to come to the office?”

“Kavinsky?”

“Yup.”

“You’ve been signed out for a doctor’s appointment to which you’re apparently running late for. Ride said they’re meeting you outside.”

“Thanks,” he replied in confusion as he walked back out. He knew for a fact that he didn’t have a single appointment. He also knew that his mother wouldn’t do something like this without them talking about it before hand. Plus, she was too fucking high anyways. He’d like to think that maybe she wanted to surprise him with something wonderful or even just them grabbing lunch together but until she was clean, that probably wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

It wasn’t until he walked out of Aglionby’s gates and saw an Aston Martin waiting on the street that Kavinsky remembered his emergency contacts. They had as much as legality to sign him out as his mother.

Fuck.

He could act like he hadn’t seen it and just keep walking. It was an option, a favorable one, but Kavinsky’s curiosity was burning as hot as a flame that was fed with gasoline. Who came? Why? It’d been almost the entire summer since Kavinsky had told his family about his mother. Why come now?

Only one way to find out, right?

Swallowing the big ass lump in his throat, Kavinsky walked over to the beautiful car that he knew was a particular favorite make of a certain someone. He halted for only a second right before the passenger door before taking in a deep breath and grasping the handle. Too late to run now.

Or so he told himself.

Damn his curious mind. Damn Curious George for growing him into a curious being.

Without a second thought or even a glance, Kavinsky yanked the door open and dropped into the car. He slammed the door shut, took a quick breath and shut his eyes hard. He didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to see.

“Is there a particular reason you closed your eyes?”

Hugging his backpack to his chest and resting his face in it, Kavinsky mumbled into it “I don’t want to see your eyes.”

No sound came for a moment besides for the shifting in a seat. Eventually, a murmur came. “Don’t want to see mine or you don’t want me to see yours?”

Frankly, he hadn’t even considered that. It wasn’t like they didn’t know about his…afflictions. “The first one. I don’t want to see…your reaction.”

“That’s funny, really, because I thought Kavinsky doesn’t care about those sorts of things?”

Great, now he was being mocked. With a careful breath, Kavinsky opened his eyes, blinked away those dots that came when you slammed your eyes shut too hard and for too long, and turned his head to face his impromptu guest. “Hi.”

Tetíncho Yulian blinked at him, letting his eyes rover over what he could before he replied “Hi.”

His uncle looked…older. More than just a year and a half of time could do. He looked tired. So tired. The beautiful sea green eyes that Joseph had always adored didn’t have the sparkles they used to. His mouth was stuck in a lopsided grimace and was that just a touch of gray in his beard? Even his facial hair looked a bit longer and tetíncho Yulian _never_ let it grow longer than being closely cropped along his jaw.

Joseph had a billion things to say but Kavinsky’s pride would never let them out. Would never let him be the first to speak. And once his uncle realized this, he nodded and said nothing, instead turning on the car and beginning to drive. The silence was stifling but Kavinsky would manage. He could do the silent game as well as the next person.

It surprised him when tetíncho Yulian came to a stop in Good Burger’s parking lot. Shutting off the car, the blonde mobster glanced at the place and asked “Does it actually taste good?”

“Not bad actually,” he murmured in answer.

Nodding once more, tetíncho Yulian turned his head to look at Kavinsky. “I’m going in to get food. I’m starving being that I haven’t eaten since yesterday and you look like you haven’t eaten in months. I’m going to buy food, I’m going to come back, I’m going to find you still in this car, and you’re going to eat the food. Got all that?”

He nodded. He was too curious to make a run for it anyways. Kavinsky already made it this far, he could see this through. His uncle had come all this way for what exactly?

Well, he’d just have to find out.

Kavinsky was playing with the chain around his neck – sans the key charm because his mother didn’t deserve that respect anymore – and lost in his thoughts when the driver’s door opened and his uncle handed him the food. Dropping his bag onto the floor at his feet, Kavinsky grabbed the food and set it in his lap as tetíncho Yulian threw his cane into the backseat and plopped into his chair, two milkshakes in hand. With his hands so full, the man probably hadn’t been able to use his cane like he needed.

Add that to his exhaustion.

“Your leg bother you a lot still?”

Setting the cups in the cup holders before buckling up and turning on the car, tetíncho Yulian replied “Worse than ever. There a park or something where we can eat?”

Once upon a time, his uncle would have detailed everything about his leg to Joseph. But it didn’t seem that he was earning that privilege right now. “Uh, yeah. Left out of here, two stop signs straight, and then a right.” A nod was the only reply he received so Kavinsky decided that he couldn’t take this silence any longer. “New car?”

“Rental.”

Left turn.

“It’s nice.”

First stop sign.

“It is.”

Second stop sign.

“Airplane?”

Right turn.

“Yes.”

Park.

A conversation of one word answers.

“C’mon,” tetincho Yulian sighed as he got out, grabbing his cane and the drinks, “Let’s eat before the food gets cold and the milkshakes warm.”

They took their seats at an empty bench. The park was quiet being that it was the middle of the school day. There were a few people here and there but the peaceful quiet won out over their faraway voices. Tetíncho Yulian passed Kavinsky a milkshake and a burger before tearing the bag and dumping the fries out on top for them to share.

Taking a sip of his milkshake, Kavinsky whispered “There’s this place that makes really good milkshakes. Their chocolate is bomb but Good Burger’s are good too.”

Silence beside for the occasional bite of his own burger.

With a sigh and a snatch of a fry, Kavinsky muttered “If you aren’t going to talk then why the fuck are you here? Why bother?”

Munching on a fry, tetíncho Yulian’s eyes bored into him before he replied “It all depends. Am I talking with my nephew or the bastard he rebranded himself as?”

“There’s no separating the two anymore. They’ve morphed into the monster in front of you.”

“I don’t see a monster. I see a broken boy who doesn’t know how to handle himself or his life but is having trouble asking for help. He’s too afraid too. He’s afraid of facing rejection, he’s afraid of being abandoned, so instead, he built himself an armor that he thinks will keep him safe because it keeps people at a distance. But his armor is alienating him from everyone and only making things harder so he tries to find more coping mechanisms – unhealthier ones – and each time, they only last for a time until he has to try something new. Am I close?”

Frustration boiled in him. It wasn’t enough that he had had fucking Atanas digging in his head – literally – and guessing every tarnished part of him just last night. No, now he had to add this perceptive asshole doing it without even entering his fucked up mind. “Whatever.”

“Thought so.”

“Fuck you.”

“Figured that one too.”

Slamming his cup down on the tabletop, he hissed “Will you stop? What? You came to what, exactly? Rub your stupid fucking pretentious ass in my face? ‘Oh, look at me, high and mighty Yulian! I can do no wrong! Please, let me just dig into your ruined soul and take a look! I swear, I only want to help!’ Do I look like I fucking want your stupid fucking help!”

His uncle said nothing and his face showed nothing either. He simply continued eating as he watched Kavinsky with those stupid fucking examining eyes of his.

“Do I! Fucking answer, dammit!”

Silence.

Dammit, he needed to hit something. Break something. Just…something to unleash on.

“What’s it like?”

Kavinsky looked at the man before him in confusion, his fury dampening for a moment. “What?”

“Dying.”

For some reason, tears were building up in his eyes. Why the fuck was he crying? Wiping them away in annoyance, he repeated “What?”

Setting down his burger, tetíncho Yulian wiped his hands on a napkin before crossing his arms atop the table. His expression still told nothing and suddenly Kavinsky felt like this must be how he faced off with mobsters, leaving them guessing constantly what he was actually thinking. “Dying. What’s it like.”

“Like, suicide attempts?” he asked, completely bewildered by this line of questioning. The fuck kind of question was that?

“No,” tetíncho Yulian replied with a shake of his head, “Not suicide attempts. Dying.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

Leaning forward, his uncle’s gaze locked on his. “You’re dying, Joseph. Not physically, no, although I imagine that the drugs aren’t doing you any good and neither is the cholesterol from these burgers. You’re fading and you’re letting yourself. A suicide attempt is just that, an attempt. But just because it failed, doesn’t mean you haven’t stopped trying mentally. You’re killing yourself because your letting yourself suffer.”

Blinking away his tears, Joseph took an angry sip of his milkshake. Joseph. _Joseph_ took the sip, not Kavinsky. Kavinsky broke off when feelings came into play. Kavinsky didn’t know how to handle emotions because he wasn’t a human being. “So?”

“I can have you committed, you know. Legally, I can take you and put you in rehab. Have your mother declared unfit as a parent, easily get daddy mobster removed as safe guardian, and take you as mine.”

“What’s your point.”

Tenderly setting his hand atop Joseph’s, his uncle said softly “That while I can, I’d never do it because I know that you wouldn’t like it. I only want what’s best for you. I want you to get your life back, Joseph. Do I care that your mayko is drugging herself up? Fuck yes but is she my priority? No. You are.”

“So what,” Joseph laughed bitterly with his tears flowing silently down his face. “Came to talk some sense into me? Convince me to go back with you? That’s what this is?”

“Jesus, if it were that simple, I’d have done that from day one. No, I know I can’t convince you of anything. I think we Bulgarians have stubbornness issues.” Joseph felt the edge of his mouth tilt up in a small smile. He felt it but didn’t recognize the action anymore. “I know that if I tell you to stop the drugs that I’d be talking to a brick wall. I know that even if I got down on my knees and pleaded you to come back with me, you never would.”

No, he wouldn’t. And not even because he didn’t want to, it was because he _couldn’t_ want to. It wasn’t allowed because he knew that he was protecting himself from disappointment. They’d see him for as weak as he was, how useless he was, how _ruined_ he was. Then they’d leave him, abandon him like he was nothing more than garbage.

And they wouldn’t be wrong in the action.

Because Joseph was even lower than garbage. Lower than shit.

“I came because I needed to see my nephew. I came because my wife keeps lying to me by saying that you just had a bad day when I already know that every day is a bad day and it’s just a matter of seeing which is worse. You need help, Joseph, and I know those are words that you don’t want to hear but you do. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Why did no one understand that Joseph was irrelevant? That there was no way to help him anymore? That nothing would ever work? “Tetíncho, nothing can fix something that’s ruined.” His uncle took his hand back and covered his face. There was some deep breathing and a weird sound but it wasn’t until his tetíncho uncovered his face and shook his head that Joseph knew what was up. “Fuck, don’t cry. I’ve never seen you cry. Don’t- just…please don’t.”

Tetíncho wiped his eyes harshly before he set his forehead in his upturned palm and stared down at the table. Time passed and they both let it; Joseph eating and sipping and tetíncho Yulian lost in the grains of the wood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	60. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Proko, don’t make me beat the almighty shit out of you.”_

Yulian sat and watched Joseph intently as he ate. He was eating slow and the food had to be cold by now but it didn’t seem to bother his nephew which was a good thing because the boy needed to eat. _Extremely_ needed to eat. By the look of it, Joseph barely weighed anything. With his height – Yulian never thought he’d see the day where Joseph was taller than him – his nephew should be more than one-sixty. Hell, one-eighty. Joseph looked like he would be lucky if he was even one-twenty.

“Timotei being a terrible toddler yet?” Joseph asked quietly as he slathered up the pile of ketchup with a few fries. “Is he as bad as Albena was?”

This was hardly what Yulian wanted to talk about but he had no idea how to get them back to the conversation without a breakdown. His _own_ breakdown, not Joseph’s. Just hearing Joseph telling Yulian that he thought that he was ruined broke him. How can such a beautiful brilliant child think of themselves like that? He wanted to murder Ivo and Vesela both. Feelings like Joseph’s didn’t just come on suddenly. It took years to cultivate. How the hell had Yulian never noticed what Joseph must have been going through? Sure, he knew that sometimes Ivo’s mouth was cruel and Vesela was mildly neglectful but…to what degree? What signs had he so easily missed?

“Timotei is the sweetest of all my children,” Yulian answered with a smile about his youngest. It wasn’t even a lie too because what parent didn’t oversell their kids? But no, Timotei was literally this adorable little cherub that made a person adore him just from his smile. Jesus, he was adorable. “And now that he’s potty trained, he’s officially my favorite.”

The tiniest curve of his mouth occurred as Joseph said “Bet Anka’s not happy about losing her spot.”

Anka could never lose her spot. She was his baby and she knew it, that brat. “Eh, she’ll deal. She’s old now; she gives me headaches.”

“She got a boyfriend yet?”

“Not that I know of, no. And if she’s hiding someone behind my back, she’s dead and so is the boy.” Any boy who planned on dating either of his daughters was going to be subject to an extensive background check. Extensively extensive. Grabbing a cold fry and popping it into his mouth despite its limpness, Yulian added “What’s she need a boy for anyways? She should focus on herself, not some headache. It’s not enough that Andrey lost his brain to Ivet. She says ‘walk,’ he walks.”

“She says ‘sit,’ he sits?” Joseph finished, “I expected as much, really. And we both know that Anka would run whoever the hell she ends up with.”

So true. “How about you?” Yulian already knew the answer but he needed to turn the conversation back in Joseph’s direction. He was already feeling like a failure and something told him that when he headed home today, the feeling would be even worse. How in the hell was Yulian supposed to convince Joseph about anything? The kid was stubborn as fuck and Yulian really didn’t want to have to force anything.

Force only ever made things worse.

With a harsh snort, Joseph answered “Seriously? You’re joking, right?” Sipping up the last of his milkshake, he added “Kavinsky doesn’t waste his time on relationships. Those things are fucking bullshit. Trust me, I’ve tried already. Biggest regret ever.”

Hello, opening. “I would think that your biggest regret would be cocaine not Emilio but to each his own, I guess.”

An angry fire blazed in Joseph’s eyes and right in that moment, all Yulian saw was Ivo. “Shut the-”

“Fuck up,” Yulian completed, “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve heard all about the homophobia, don’t worry. You and Emilio never existed, you never loved him, you never found him attractive. Blah, blah, blah.” Obviously these were all lies. “But whatever, right? You want to erase that year and act like it never existed? Fine, do that. Emilio’s better off without you anyways.”

The blazing flame was doused for a moment with raw distress and the pain from Yulian’s words. Good because it meant his nephew was still in there somewhere. He may not be yelling or spouting garbage but finding Joseph under ‘Kavinsky’ wasn’t as easy as he had thought it would be. Yulian had figured that ‘Kavinsky’ was just a persona for Joseph to wear around. He’d always been shy and always had issues around other kids so maybe it was just his way of…not fitting in, per se, but rather standing out. Being ‘the cool kid.’

But damn was he wrong.

No, Kavinsky was very much Joseph. It was all the parts of Joseph that had been hurt and abused that were now very angry. It was your typical teenage lash out but then it wasn’t. It was Joseph trying to not only protect himself but to hurt everyone around him for all the suffering he had and currently was going through.

Snatching the last fry with anger, Joseph snarled “Can you just not? Do you God fucking mind? And I’m better off without him anyways.” He pointed to himself emphatically, “I’m not a fucking nasty ass fag. And I don’t need to be one by association either. Emilio can go be a faggot on his own time and away from me.”

He wondered if Joseph truly felt the words that he was saying. Homophobia was a harsh thing and it was brutal when internalized. It could very well be that he meant every single piece of trash that he spouted. Yulian also wondered if his nephew would care that his cousins were shunning Emilio. Yulian damn well cared. He had told his kids that it wasn’t fair to Emilio who had done absolutely nothing wrong. That blaming him was ridiculous. Even though they never brought it up again, he knew that they still blamed Emilio. He knew that they refused to reach out to him and that the one time that Emilio himself had tried calling only months ago to get his friends back, Anka and Andrey had put Albena on the phone.

His kids didn’t tell him, but he knew like how he knew a lot of things.

“I see,” Yulian murmured, taking the last fry. “So…you’re straight then.”

“Duh. There’s no such thing as gays, Yulian, only fags.”

Wow, he was Yulian now. Homophobia may be from Joseph’s experiences but it seemed Kavinsky thrived on it. “I see.”

“For the record in case it wasn’t already apparent,” Joseph, no, _Kavinsky_ , began with an accusingly pointy finger, “This was a complete waste of a trip and money for you. I’m going nowhere, my drugs are going nowhere, and, well, we already knew that my life is going nowhere too. So you might as well mosey on your way instead of wasting more of your precious time.”

“Wow, precious, huh? Who knew Kavinsky had such sentiments. And it was hardly a waste,” Jesus was that a lie. Yulian had really hoped and even prayed despite being a terrible religious person that he’d be able to make a difference. “I got a break from seeing your father’s annoying face.”

Just a touch of curiosity shone in Kavinsky’s eyes. Just enough where Yulian knew that he had captured _Joseph’s_ attention. “Oh? Sick of his face, are you?”

Yulian had been sick of Ivo’s face from the first day that they had met. In the beginning, it had just been annoyance at an asshole which grew into barely beneath the surface jealousy because no matter what he did, he was still special to Timotei in a way that Yulian could never achieve. But after this past year and a half?

He was so sick of him that if he wasn’t worried he’d be killed himself, Yulian would put a bullet in the head of the mobster. It wasn’t that his personality had changed if only a little more sinister and just a tad more bitter but after knowing everything that Joseph had gone through, Yulian could find no more saving grace in Ivo.

“He’s annoying, you know that.”

A bit more of that curiosity shoved itself forward. “So…he…doesn’t seem…odd? Different?”

It sounded like Joseph was choosing his words very carefully. What was he tiptoeing around, exactly? For some reason, it didn’t just seem like the natural wonder a child would have in wanting to know how their father was doing without them. “A bit more mean, a bit more cruel, but same old Ivo. But then, I try not to spend time with him outside of what is necessary so who knows?”

Joseph was staring out to the park, lost in his thoughts as he considered these words. His eyes were…calculating. Finally, his nephew turned back to look at him, a sharp examining gaze resting on him. “Nothing different? At all? Even if it’s insignificant.”

These were not concerned questions; it was like Joseph was searching for something. Like this was all a science experiment and he needed to know the results to record them. But nonetheless, Yulian took a minute to think and see if there was anything he could offer. “Actually…he doesn’t talk to himself like he used to.” Why go around the truth when Joseph already knew it? “I guess I should say, he doesn’t talk to the voices like he used to.”

Now that Yulian really thought about it…Ivo didn’t speak with his head at all anymore. That was odd. After all these years, Yulian didn’t think that Ivo had found a way to ignore them and there was no way that they had just disappeared. Auditory hallucinations just magically vanishing? No, that didn’t happen. But he couldn’t just ask; their relationship was far from what it used to be.

But where had the voices gone?

“Interesting,” Joseph murmured to, Yulian figured, himself. “But expected.”

Expected?

He was about to ask what Joseph meant but his nephew suddenly smiled and all Yulian saw was what the people of the town must.

Kavinsky.

“Anyways, lunch was fabulous, thank you. Can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed what I was eating.” Standing, Kavinsky started to clean up the trash. “I’d say ‘great seeing you’ except it wasn’t so I won’t lie. Lemme get my bag from your car and we can go our separate ways, yeah?”

“Joseph-”

“Nope, nope, nope. We’re done here, Yulian. All done. Go home to your lovely family.”

“You’re part of my family.”

Snorting with a manic laugh on his face, Kavinsky rolled his eyes harshly. “Don’t be stupid. You’re usually not. Although…you did – very stupidly, mind you – come all the way here. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Now, I need my bag before I hit some serious withdrawal symptoms. I need a line, Simeonov. Open your fucking car.”

Fuck, he had no idea what to do. Was he really going to just leave? He wouldn’t have accomplished a thing. But how in the hell was he supposed to? He was trying but…dammit, was this how Vesela always felt? Helpless? Useless? Was this why she had given up? “I want to see your mom first.”

“No.”

Well, that he had not expected. Standing so he didn’t have a giant beanpole glaring down at him, Yulian asked “Why not? Why do you care? How in the hell does that even affect you?”

Crossing his arms after slamming the trash onto the tabletop, Kavinsky snarled “She’s _mine._ Not yours. Has never been anything of yours. I say no.”

Oh-kayyyy. “Technically, she’s my sister-in-law. Not that-”

“ _No._ ”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Yulian couldn’t help but snort as he shook his head while grabbing the trash. He walked over to the trash bin and threw it in before he decided that he was going to hit where it apparently hurt. He wasn’t leaving without seeing Vesela. No fucking way. “Even more technically, Kavinsky? She was my sister-in-law before she was ever your mother. She was the sister of my girlfriend before she was your mother. She was my friend before she was your mother. She was _mine_ before she was ever _yours_. Before you were even a thought in her mind.”

Yulian had seen Joseph angry before of course, the boy had always had a temper, but the blaze in his eyes right this second?

It was exactly like looking at Ivo. The scary part was that it was _worse_ than looking into Ivo’s furious stare. A boy of sixteen should not have this amount of hate and hurt inside of him.

_Fucking Ivo._

Getting up in Yulian’s face, practically bristling with violence, Kavinsky hissed “You’re lucky I have the smallest amount of respect left in me for you. So. Fucking. Lucky.”

The amount of fury may be shocking and scary but Yulian was no fucking chicken-shit coward. He’d been in the business way too long for that to be a thing anymore. Voice as hard as ice that Yulian knew could cut people open, he said in a quiet calm that he had learned from – shockingly – Ivo “Watch yourself, _Kavinsky._ Don’t make threats that will get you nowhere. And don’t forget who I am and who I work for. I may just be your uncle in front of you but don’t forget what my life is.”

A certain amount of wariness creeped into Kavinsky’s eyes. Yulian wasn’t proud of it, wasn’t even remotely pleased by it, but he knew how junkies were. They crossed boundaries easily and didn’t care for what may be the repercussions. Or just didn’t think of them. “Give me my shit and fuck off.”

He was going to leave a failure. But didn’t he know that already when he had booked a ticket at the spur of the moment? Yulian hadn’t even told anyone that he was coming. Nikol literally assumed that Yulian was just working and Ivo thought that he was enjoying a day with the family. It wasn’t like Nikol and Ivo called each other for each one to check out his story.

Yanking his keys out of his pocket, he hit the unlock button on the fob, the car beeping in reply. “Go fucking get it.”

Triumph glittered in Kavinsky’s eyes like he had actually won something. There was nothing to win though.

They had all already lost.

 

* * *

 

Plucking the straw she had just used to snort crap up her nose from between her fingers, Joseph threw it in the trash before hugging his freshly high mother tight. She folded into him easily but said nothing and didn’t bother returning the hug.

That was nothing strange. She never did anymore.

He pressed a kiss to her no longer soft and silky hair before resting his head on hers. She was _his._ Any other thought wasn’t just unfathomable, it was plain fucking ridiculous. “I love you.”

The dull nod she always gave him as a reply rubbed against his chest.

With a sigh, Joseph wondered if he had made a mistake in making sure that tetíncho Yulian didn’t come to see her. The minute he had departed from the man’s company, he had rushed home just to make sure that if he tried to come, Joseph was there to stop him from entering. But he was _protecting_ her. Seeing tetíncho, having him yell at her and call her stupid…it’d just make her worse. And then she’d end up being upset and disappointed and worse than she already was.

Obviously, Joseph had made the right decision.

Plus, his own encounter with his uncle had proven his point, hadn’t it? The man had left, _abandoned him_ , without giving Joseph a proper chance. What sort of help was that? What the hell kind of support was that? It was plain and simple bullshit. Came to help him, his ass. Fuck him and that whole entire family. Tetíncho Yulian had given up so easily that Joseph was sure that the man had just come to mock him and his demise. The mobster didn’t give a fuck.

He was just as bad as everyone else.

Joseph was alone and would always be alone.

No one was coming to help him.

No one was coming to save him.

No one was coming to free him.

His own self imprisonment was stronger willed than anyone else could ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	61. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> "...few feet from him was Blake Skovron, ordinarily a major asshole and minor bigot, transformed into an obedient son beside his parents."
> 
> \--- The Raven King (edited out, sadly)
> 
> How about obedient son, transformed into major asshole and minor bigot because of a certain Jersey bastard? My characterization for Skov literally comes entirely from this one deleted line
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> P.S. Guys we made 700 hits! Woop! Thank you, all my lovely quiet readers and my awesome beta
> 
> _"I’ll cherish and frame it and underneath put ‘here lies Kavinsky’s lost pride.’”_

Prokopenko gestured between Kavinsky and the boy he had brought along with him. Good Burger was good, yeah, but Kavinsky had to admit, he missed having choices on where to eat. Sure, there were other restaurants but if he was going to convince himself to eat, it had to be fast food and everyone knew that fast food meant burgers. McDonald’s was always good but the only one they had was inside Walmart and small. So Good Burger it had to be. “Kavinsky, the roommate. Roommate, Kavinsky.”

This…was not fucking ironic at all. If fate thought that this joke was cute, it fucking wasn’t.

Not one bit.

With a nice charming smile, the other boy held out his hand for a shake. “Blake Skovron.”

Fuck, but like, it could just be a coincidence, couldn’t it? It could just be the doppelganger. Everyone had seven people who looked like them in the world. This dude was probably just Liam’s doppelganger was all. And it was an extreme coincidence that they had both ended up in Aglionby, right?

Shit, Henrietta didn’t believe in coincidences. There was no such thing as a coincidence in hick town.

“Kavinsky,” he replied as he took the offered hand. Liam’s last name hadn’t been Skovron but then, Liam was a bastard child. Maybe he wasn’t allowed that right. “Just arrived this year?”

Blake nodded. “Yup. I’m a freshman. Came with my parents in the summer. The town sucks but the school seems pretty nice.”

Kavinsky wanted to laugh from the expression on Prokopenko’s face. An expression that he wholly agreed with, of course. Who the fuck actually _liked_ Aglionby? Jesus, this kid. “Wait, came with your parents? I thought you room here?”

Blake’s eyes were so…adorably trusting that it made him seem like this little puppy. Too earnest for Kavinsky’s tastes. “Oh, I do! We got a house here. It’s really nice. But I told my parents that I’d like the experience of rooming like my brother did.” His speech paused for a moment and his face took on a look of embarrassment. “Sorry, I mean, half-brother.”

Dear fucking lord, God was punishing him for ruining things with Liam. Or…maybe God was giving him another chance with this gullible puppy? Make things right or whatever? That could be it if Kavinsky was still Joseph and not a monstrous asshat. He couldn’t believe he was actually about to do this but he took a page out of Emilio’s book. “A half is still a brother, you know. It makes no difference to anyone except jealous parents.”

_“Is it weird having a sister who’s only half?” Joseph asked Emilio curiously. The question had been bugging him for months, ever since he had learned that Maria came from a different mother. “Like, do you treat her different because she’s half?”_

_Emilio was staring at him like he was insane. He looked…a little annoyed too. Which was weird because Joseph didn’t know that his friend could actually be annoyed. “Don’t be stupid. Treat her differently? Why, because we have different birth mothers? That’s ridiculous. My mom is her mom just as much as she’s mine. Mama may not have birthed her, but she’s never ever treated Maria any differently that I’ve seen. And I’d never do that either.” Laughing like Joseph was utterly ridiculous, Emilio added “Biology may say she’s only half mine but that’s because biology is only science. It doesn’t understand human connections and behaviors. It doesn’t understand love.”_

_Well…true but that didn’t change anything. This all sounded so…what was the word? Philosophical? Joseph was pretty sure that was the appropriate word usage. “But what about all those people who think a half child is less or worthless than a whole?”_

_Shrugging as they continued tossing the ball to one another, Emilio replied “Papa says that half only means something to idiots, the b word, and jealous parents. Since I’m none of those and neither are anyone else in my family, we don’t believe in halves. Maria is wholly ours and always will be.”_

Liam was a bastard child so the jealous parent thing had to be what applied here.

He’d seen Liam blush before and what was Blake but a mini Liam except with more delicate features but, Jesus Lord, Blake _blushed_. Fumbling with the hem of his shirt, he mumbled “My mom says he’s not my brother. I have to call him half.”

So a jealous parent _and_ the b word. The more you know. “Also…what fucking idiot _wants_ to dorm? You that stupid?” How could someone so gullibly stupid have come to one of his parties and survived? Jesus Christ. He was surprised that Blake hadn’t been eaten alive.

Blake blushed even harder.

Jesus almighty Lord Christ above.

“I…wanted to try it out. My mom wasn’t happy but my dad said it’s a good way to build relationships.” Suddenly looking extremely proud of himself, he added “I’m friends with Sasha.” Prokopenko made the typical ‘yeah, true’ face, his crooked mouth going even more lopsided. This must have given Blake some more confidence because the blushed lowered itself from a deep cherry to a tinging apple. “And I went to your Fourth party. By _myself._ ”

Nodding as he scratched behind his ear because, dear Lord, this puppy was something else, Kavinsky flicked a glance to Prokopenko who was trying to hide a smile. “He’s adorable.”

There was a look of annoyance on Blake’s face but he said nothing. Proko, on the other hand, laughed “Yeah. Probably the only reason I like him.” Blake huffed and rolled his eyes as he pushed back a piece of bright blonde hair that had escaped from the gel hold. “But he’s a good dude so don’t fuck him up.”

Man, did Proko _love_ telling Kavinsky what he was supposed to do. Fuck this dude. “Proko, don’t make me beat the almighty shit out of you.”

The Slav’s reply was merely a look of boredom but Blake looked horrified. Kavinsky was going to take absolute delight in corrupting this dear puppy. Instead of a cute little fluffy Pomeranian, he’d morph this boy into a big old St. Bernard. They looked sweet, they were thought of as adorable rescue animals, but they could be violent if needed. Giving Blake a good once over, Kavinsky changed his mind. This boy was never going to be a giant St. Bernard. Nah, he’d be like a Chihuahua. Tiny but vicious as fuck.

He couldn’t wait to start the corruption process.

Prokopenko flicked a glance behind them. “So…talking and all is great and I know you don’t get hungry like a normal human but…” he pointed with his thumb behind them to Good Burger whose parking lot they were standing in, “I’d like to eat.”

“Me too,” Blake nodded with surety. To Kavinsky, this kid was an anomaly. He was childish in the innocent sort of way but his eyes spoke volumes of…not wisdom but…intelligence. Or something like that. Like, Kavinsky could look into Blake’s eyes and see his tetíncho staring back. Their eyes were different colors and, yeah, they were both blonde – his tetíncho had darker hair – yet there was this similarity that he couldn’t pinpoint. “The smell is making me hungry. When I first got here, I wondered if the place lived up to its name so I came to try it without my mom knowing. It’s gooood.”

Shaking his head in disbelief as he gestured for them to walk, Kavinsky adjusted the cap on his head while unconsciously rubbing a scab beneath his hair. It was just behind his ear and further proof that everyone left him. His tetíncho had left just yesterday and last night in Kavinsky’s dreams where he could only ever be Joseph, the man had left him again.

Except this time, he left him to the violence of his head.

_Help you, my fucking ass._

“Your mom doesn’t let you eat burgers?” Kavinsky snorted with an eyeroll as they walked in. It was less of a question seeking an answer as much as it was a statement of ‘the fuck.’ “Liam may have been the bastard but, fuck, I’m starting to think he got the lucky end of the straw now.”

Blake came to an abrupt halt and his eyes went wide right before they reached the registers. Kavinsky didn’t bother stopping because he had the urge for a milkshake and he had no intention of letting the old woman who came in behind them order before him. Knowing his luck, she had fifty million things to order. “Chocolate milkshake, please,” he murmured to the cashier without looking up from pulling out his wallet and grabbing a few bills.

“No duh. Typical.”

Picking his head up, Kavinsky smiled manically when he saw who his cashier was. Someone got a job, did they? He stuffed his wallet into his back pocket as Prokopenko and Blake came up beside him. Totally cutting off the old lady but ask him if he gave a fuck? “Oh, hellooooo, Eva! Gotta say, Good Burger red really doesn’t bring out your eyes. How’s the bae?”

Lip curling in disgust as she rang up his milkshake, she snapped “We’re not all rich white boys with daddy paying for everything. And my _bae_ is enrolled in Duke making a life for us.”

Aw, that was cute. Us. Ha. “Hey, if my loser of half my DNA wants to pay my bills, I sure as fuck ain’t going to say no, princess. And that’s really cute that you actually believe that Liam is going to give a damn about you anymore. The fuck does he need with hick trash when he’s living it up with the preppy sorority girls? You were a means to an end, bitch.”

Fire, a gasoline fed fire because it was that intense, blazed in Eva’s eyes. There was a time when Kavinsky was always decently polite to her in respect for her mother. But he hated Gwen as much as he hated everyone else now so who gave a fuck? It wasn’t that the nurse had changed in any way, it was that she _hadn’t_ changed. Always trying to help, always trying to do this or this or whatever. He was so sick of it. “No wonder Liam didn’t waste his time with you anymore. Good thing. He doesn’t need a friend like you.”

“You know Liam?” Blake cut in curiously.

Eva turned her focus to the puppy, her own curiosity reflected in her eyes. “Yeah, he’s my boyfriend. You’re Blake, right? He mentioned that you’ll be coming here.”

Delight glowed in Blake’s eyes as he practically bounced on the balls of his feet. “He’s talked about me?” Someone obviously wanted validation from their big brother. Which was odd because if Kavinsky remembered right, Liam was one bastard to four siblings. Why did Blake want Liam’s approval so bad out of everyone else’s?

“Look, this is all nice and whatever the fuck,” Kavinsky interrupted, “But I’ve got a milkshake that needs making and Proko here is starving so…” With a roll of her eyes, Eva promised Blake that they’d talk later and took the rest of the orders. They took their seats in a booth before Kavinsky pointed at Blake and said “Quick, favorite thing?”

“Music,” Blake said as fast as he could, a panicked look in his eyes as if he was worried that he didn’t answer in time.

“Music’s a good answer,” Kavinsky nodded as he leaned back into the booth cushion. Not bad, not bad. When he had asked Prokopenko a few days after they had met, the Slav’s answer had been basketball. Kavinsky had told him that that was a stupid answer; everyone knew that baseball was the best sport. Proko had laughed and said that according to Aglionby, lacrosse was the shit.

Fuck lacrosse they had both agreed.

“Um, so,” Blake smiled nervously as he wrung his hands together, “I was thinking…that sense, you know, everyone kind of goes by last names around here, that you’d just call me Skov. Skovron is one too many syllables. Doesn’t have the right sort of rhythm, you know?”

“Sure, puppy,” Kavinsky snorted in agreement because why not, “Whatev- Actually, no, no Skov.” An idea sparked in his head. He needed to be sure that this puppy was worth hanging around him. No pussies allowed around here. “You need to earn it.”

Nervousness bloomed in the puppy’s eyes and Prokopenko looked a little annoyed like ‘who are you to decide???’ But Blake set himself a face of determination like his life would not be complete without this. “Well, how do I earn it?”

“Oh, puppy,” Kavinsky grinned manically, excitement at the presented opportunity burning through his chest, “I’m glad you asked.”

 

 

“It’s simple,” he began as they walked into the abandoned fairgrounds, “because I’m going to give you the easiest thing to do. I don’t want you broken from the first moment, you know?” Kavinsky didn’t need to look behind himself to know that Blake was brimming with nerves, probably nodding along as he spoke. “And I’m not even going to make it something violent either because, really, you’re not ready for that yet, puppy. In time you will be, don’t worry.”

“Whatever you’re going to make him do, I disprove,” Prokopenko called out, trailing behind them both. “Not enough to stop you though. Just enough to put myself on record saying that.”

“Record taken.” Prokopenko still had some conscience inside of him. Kavinsky was going to have to tear it out one of these days. “Plus, it’s only something stupid, chill the fuck out, yeah?”

“But…will I get in trouble?” Blake asked as he rushed up to Kavinsky’s side, barely keeping pace with his long-legged strides. “I’d really prefer that I didn’t.”

Okay, so he had to break that out of the puppy. Jesus, so much reforming to do for these stupid bitches. Why was he bothering with all this effort he had to input? He rolled his eyes at himself. Kavinsky knew why.

One, it was goddamn amusing.

Two, it gave the semblance that he wasn’t alone.

Good enough reasons if there were ever any.

Reaching their destination – an old building where Kavinsky stored random shit for illegal moments – he grabbed a few cans of spray paint off the shelf. He was going to give little puppy the easiest task in the world. If he got caught then the idiot was just fucking stupid like Kavinsky figured. He put the cans in a bag before handing off the bag to Puppy. “Simple graffiti, Blake. What do you think?”

There was that look of determination again, covering the smallest amount of apprehension. “I think that sounds easy enough. I’m not exactly an artist though, be warned.”

Laughing while pulling Blake into a one-armed embrace, Kavinsky whispered into the shorter boy’s ear “Unless you don’t have a dick in your pants, I’m sure you won’t have trouble drawing one.”

Graffitiing a penis on one of Aglionby’s buildings was the grand plan. Yeah, he knew it was like the lowest level of challenges in the world, not to mention so very childish, but, hey, he couldn’t ruin his puppy from day one.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

Prokopenko snorted with a shake of his head like it was the dumbest challenge in the world while Blake blushed an adorable shade of pink. “You…want me to spray paint a penis?”

“Yup. Easy peasy, right?” Jesus, it was like child’s play. If he fucked this up then this dude was pathetic. Liam could do this with his eyes closed. Maybe he should tell Blake that. If there was to be a motivator, that would be it.

With a deep breath, Blake nodded as he stared down into the bag. “Easy. Where at?”

“Aglionby, my dear.”

“Fuck.”

For some reason, that made Kavinsky cackle loud. “Aw, Puppy said fuck! I’m so proud.”

“Don’t take me for some bitch, jackass,” Blake snapped, fury blazing in his eyes. Who would have thought? “I may be young and in your cokehead brain, pathetic, but I’m not an idiotic little bitch. For that matter, I’m practically a prodigy if you should know.”

Oooh, a prodigy. Cute. But…he scratched under his hat with an eyebrow raised “How old are you?”

They blush grew redder like Blake was embarrassed to say it but there was a challenge in his eyes like he dared Kavinsky to say anything. “Twelve.”

Kavinsky’s jaw dropped. Quite literally dropped. Dropped so dropping that it just dropped. Shaking himself awake, he asked “Twelve?” Fuck, he was younger than Anka was. Fuck, he was ruining a twelve year old? The fuck was wrong with him?

He snorted in his brain.

Everything.

Duh.

Shrugging like it was whatever while Prokopenko glanced around to see what else was in the room because he apparently already knew the news, Blake replied “Half prodigy, Kavinsky. I’m smart.”

No kidding. Kavinsky was smart but…damn. “Alright, prodigy boy, then be smart enough not to get caught spraying a dick, yeah?”

Confidence smirked in his eyes. Hell, smirked all over his face. “Easy.”

Later as he watched the news in his newly converted basement to entertainment room with the newswoman pointing behind her at a giant blurred out image on the side of Borden House while speaking of defilement, Kavinsky snorted quietly “Welcome to the crew, Skov.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	62. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story? I've no idea
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Pride and prestige, here you come!”_

A fist slammed into his face. He felt the pain and the obvious whiplash of it but it hardly registered in Kavinsky’s brain. The adrenaline and his high were pumping fast through his blood, the echo of it in his ears. He didn’t take the time to rub where he’d been hit or to asses whatever damage there may be.

There was no time for that in a fight.

He wasn’t a fighter by any means but he’d picked up things here and there and was scrappy enough to put up a decent one. More often than not – probably because his opponents were generally drunk – decent was good enough. His current opponent, however, was putting up quite the challenge to his ‘decent.’

Fuck.

Swinging back with a fist aimed for his opponent’s gut to, hopefully, knock the air out of him, Kavinsky was surprised when the Asian boy somehow stopped the oncoming fist and literally dropped him down onto the dirt floor on his back. Every ounce of breath rushed out of him at the impact and the back of his head throbbed. “Fuck,” he huffed. It was meant to be a yell but when there was no air in your lungs, that was impossible.

A foot planted on his chest and the small Asian dude smirked above Kavinsky. One of his eyes was bruised and his nose was bleeding but that was it. Kavinsky was sure that there were bruises under the guy’s clothes too. No way he had done _that_ bad. “My point, I think.”

Uh, this bastard. Shoving the foot off and ignoring the offered hand of assistance, Kavinsky got to his feet while shutting out the pain. Alright, so this guy was good. He’d give him that. Grabbing his wallet from Prokopenko who had been holding his shit for him, Kavinsky pulled out a hundred dollar bill and handed it over to the Asian. “Congrats. Nice job. Woohoo.”

The crowd clapped and there were some shouts of cheer. Kavinsky knew that it wasn’t actually for the Asian boy per se; people just liked watching a fight. And watch they could every other Saturday at the fairgrounds. Kavinsky would fight first and keep fighting until he lost. Generally, he’d manage at least two or three before he couldn’t anymore. The pain was relishing, awakening even, and a reminder that maybe he was actually human. Who would have thought?

Whoever beat him got a hundred bucks and after he lost, the fight ring was fair game to anyone who wanted to go at it. If there were going to be rewards offered, it was up to whoever was fighting. Kavinsky only ever offered for his own fights. The ring wasn’t actually a ring, of course, it was just a random spot of dirt which was surrounded by cars whose headlight were aglow in the dark of the night.

Asian dude took his cash with a smile of triumph and fist bumped Kavinsky’s shoulder. “Good fight.”

He disagreed. It was the first of his night and he’d already lost? Damn. Not to mention he was sorer after going at it with this guy than he typically was after _three._ Jesus damn. But this dude looked far from drunk so maybe that was why. “Yeah, yeah. Take your cash and fuck off, man.”

The other boy looked as though he had more to say but Kavinsky never wasted time talking to people. Even the girls he had sex with didn’t get the time of his day or the sound of his speech. He wanted them for fucking, not for an emotional chat.

Duh.

No, the only ones he tolerated speaking with for lengthy periods of time were Proko and Skov. Prokopenko more than Skov because sometimes the puppy was beyond fucking annoying. Talking with Prokopenko was…almost nostalgic. Like how it felt to have a friend; more than Liam had ever achieved. Once, drunk off his ass and higher than the Empire state building, Kavinsky had accidently felt so comfortable with the other Slav that he had literally said something real.

Something that was Joseph’s not Kavinsky’s.

_“So…the fuck…your parents?” Kavinsky slurred. His sentences didn’t exactly form correctly when he had way one too many. He wasn’t a lightweight like he used to be but he wasn’t a fucking mountain either._

_Prokopenko, eyes glassy with his own alcohol, snorted in laughter “What parents? Fuck them, man.” He took a big gulp of his beer as they lounged atop the Evo’s hood in the fairground lot. It was the middle of the night but they could care less. “Fuck. Them.”_

_Originally, Proko had never wanted to drink but that had changed after a month of hanging with Kavinsky. But the other boy had kept his word – he hadn’t allowed Kavinsky to drag him onto his train. It had wholly been Proko’s decision to drink. Kavinsky was waiting for when his fellow Slav would finally give in and join him on the happy train of pills. He didn’t expect Prokopenko to want coke but he’d bet money that pills wouldn’t bother him._

_“I totally agree,” Kavinsky nodded as he munched on a sour straw. Munchies were a bitch. They forced him to put shit in his stomach. Not that it really mattered because he always ended up throwing it up anyways not too long later._

_Eating was such a fucking waste of both food and his time._

_“Aleksandra’s such a fuckin’ bitch, man. Stupid whore.”_

_He wasn’t exactly sure who that was but Kavinsky figured that it was Proko’s mother. “It happens.”_

_“And then there’s Viktor,” Prokopenko continued in a disgusted voice, not even registering that Kavinsky had spoken, “He’s no fucking better.”_

_“That’s because…fathers…complete bullshit,” he couldn’t help but snort._

_“Mine is.”_

_“Unless,” Kavinsky drawled while waving around a drunk finger, “yours was abusive like mine, yours…ain’t worse.”_

_Rewind a second. What did he just say?_

_Fuck._

_Prokopenko blinked at him curiously but said nothing. It was like he knew he was given something that no one else here had ever been given. However, he said nothing of it, simply changed the subject._

_He knew it wasn’t to be touched._

To this day, Prokopenko had said nothing of the secret he had been unwillingly given. There were a few times that Kavinsky was sure that Prokopenko was analyzing him as though searching for something but that was it.

And for that, he was extremely thankful.

Now there were certain things he let go around as rumors. Rumors were nothing new to him; some had truth in them, some didn’t but they all derived from happenings in Henrietta.

Except one.

He had let it slip once to boy he had been threatening. It had been done purposefully, Kavinsky knowing fully that it would make people see him in a different light. Fear him more.

It had done exactly that.

_“I heard that his dad is a mobster. Like, kills people and stuff,” this girl whispered to her friend, unaware that Kavinsky was right behind them in line at Walmart. It was funny how people were always shocked when he was there. Where exactly did they expect him to buy shit from?_

_Idiots._

_“Omigod, I heard that too!” the other girl whisper-shouted. “Do you think, like, Kavinsky has done stuff before?”_

_“You could always ask him,” Kavinsky said with a bright smile as he leaned forward to loom over them, sticking his head between the two of them. “He doesn’t mind answering for girls with such gorgeous dick sucking lips.”_

_The girls’ faces flamed in embarrassment, shame, and shock. Honestly, despite his conquests, Kavinsky still hated having sex. He thought that if he kept trying, kept having more with as many different girls as he could, he’d fine the enjoyment in it. He’d found the power which he was thankful for. The control was something he relished above all pleasure but he didn’t have fun having sex. It was supposed to be fun and he only ever left feeling disgusted if not powerful._

_But blowjobs, he could get behind. All he had to do was close his eyes and it was just another mouth crouched there. He didn’t have to think about the girl, the fact that it was a girl, or have to feel…everything that came with sex. All that that made him realize was how much of a fag he was even when he blocked it out regularly. You couldn’t hide form the truth when you could barely even keep it up though, could you? Or when utter revulsion went through you every time._

_Sex sucked._

_Probably the braver of the two, the girl with the blue sweater and bright hazel eyes whispered “Is your dad really a mobster?”_

_“Are you really a girl?” She gave him a funny look at his question but nodded yes in response. “Then you have your answer, dear.”_

“Skov, beer.”

Puppy rolled his eyes but went and grabbed one for him, tossing it over. “I’m not your fucking lapdog.”

“Nope,” Kavinsky laughed, blocking out the twinges of pain as he did, and took a seat on the hood of some car. “You’re my lap _puppy_. Duh.”

Skov rolled his eyes again and huffed but simply took a seat beside Kavinsky while Proko leaned on the car beside them. Kavinsky enjoyed bugging the crap out of Skov; it drove the other kid insane but he knew that it was in good humor.

Most of the time, anyways.

“That guy took you good,” Prokopenko said ‘helpfully’ as he chewed on his gum. He blew a huge bubble before it popped and he added “I should send him a gift.”

“Fuck you,” Kavinsky laughed with a shake of his head. The guy _had_ taken him down really good. Fuck, who was that bastard? “He on the wrestling team or something? Jesus.”

“Dunno. He goes to Aglionby though. Seen him in my dorm building.”

“Xia,” came a now familiar voice, “Xia Jiang.”

Kavinsky raised a brow as the Asian kid walked over to him, sticking out his hand for a handshake. Instead of accepting it, Kavinsky took out his pack of cigarettes, pulled one out, and lit it up. He blew the smoke of it into this dude Jiang’s face. “Hello, Jiang.”

_“You smell different,” his mother mumbled as her head rested on his chest. They were lying on her bed – Kavinsky having gone to his mother because he was in need of comfort after a brutal nightmare – and staring up at the ceiling. The only light was that of her dim lamp, setting the room in a comfortable gloom._

_Hugging her tight, Kavinsky relished in the current span of time of his mother actually sounding like herself. Just for that, he could be Joseph just for a moment. In the darkness of the night, no one would know except her. “I’ve been smoking.”_

_“That’s new.” She didn’t even sound angry or mildly disappointed. Just…nothing._

_It bugged him. Joseph wanted her to be pissed. Wanted her to be angry because that meant that somewhere in this shell of a woman, his mother was alive._

_With a shrug, he murmured “Can’t be worse than everything I already do.” Granted, his first time trying had actually been terrible. Funny because he smoked weed all the time but nicotine for him was apparently powerful. But he enjoyed the taste of smoke in his mouth and the feeling of doing something with his fingers even if it was just holding a smoke._

_Plus, there was the bonus of when he was bored and enjoyed the bite of a burn on his arm._

_“No, no, I guess not.”_

Jiang examined Kavinsky closely as he returned his hand to his side. Looking over to Prokopenko, he nodded in greeting. “Prokopenko, right?”

“You got him.”

“I’m Skov. Um, Blake Skovron,” Skov chimed in with a bright smile. Puppy loved making friends but, as he put it, ‘sucked at it.’ Technically speaking, he only had Prokopenko although he kept trying to count Kavinsky no matter how many times Kavinsky had snapped that they weren’t friends.

He didn’t fucking do friends.

Prokopenko just happened to be…weird like Liam had been.

With another nod as he smiled to Skov, Jiang said “Good to meet you, Skov.” Returning his focus to Kavinsky, he added “You and me got a couple classes together. Seen you around a lot and definitely heard of you a lot.”

“That’s nice,” he snorted as he smoked. What was this guy going for exactly? “What do you want? Came to spend your hundred bucks?”

Laughing as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his ripped jeans, Jiang replied “Nah, man. I’m keeping those, thanks. I’ll cherish and frame them and underneath put ‘here lies Kavinsky’s lost pride.’”

That both pissed him and amused him. Kavinsky decided to settle for amused. Jiang seemed like an okay dude. “Funny man. What do you want then?”

He shrugged and went to lean beside Prokopenko, pulling out a blunt of his own. Lighting it up and taking in his first drag, Jiang shrugged again. He took a few more puffs before finally he said “I don’t want shit. Just need a few people to smoke with. Maybe to drink with.”

“Yeah?” It was beneath him to amuse people’s whims but…this guy seemed alright. He wanted someone to get shitfaced with? Sure, why not. As long as he didn’t try to get all buddy buddy with him then it wasn’t a big deal. It was rare to let anyone hang around him, obviously being that he only had Proko and Skov, but something about Jiang appealed to him. Maybe it was the fighting skills. Or maybe it was the ‘fuck it’ demeanor. Whatever it was, Kavinsky found himself being alright with this dude being around.

Which was just plain fucking weird because he sure as fuck didn’t trust like that. Who was he kidding? He trusted no one outside of his mother and lately, that trust was like a rollercoaster. Up one day and down the next.

“Yeah.”

Proko glanced at Jiang beside him, giving him a critical once over before nodding. “I’m down.”

“Me too,” Skov said immediately. The inside of Puppy’s head was probably like ‘FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND!’ As the guy had put when they had first met, he wasn’t a gullible idiot or a sap but, Jesus, sometimes he wasn’t easy to put up with. Maybe it was because he could be so…happy go lucky.

But at least he didn’t mind doing illegal shit anymore.

 _“As long as we don’t get caught, I’m down._ ”

Obviously, he had no way of guaranteeing that, but Kavinsky made the promise every time anyways. One of these days, he knew that they’d get caught but until then, Puppy was with them every step of the way.

Blowing out a puff in the cold of the crisp January night, Kavinsky gave Jiang his own examination. He’d put him through a test like he had with Skov in a few days. See how he handled shit. It’d be worse than simple graffiti though; this dude was no puppy. “I’m down. For now.”

Taking a huge gulp of water because even though he was now officially a teenager at thirteen, Skov refused to drink yet, he asked excitedly “Oh, you’re gonna test him, huh?”

Jiang looked unfazed, simply raised a thin brow at Kavinsky. Kavinsky, on the hand, smiled wide as he decided what he was going to ask of the other boy in a few days. Jiang must have known that his fate was being thought of because he smirked and flipped off Kavinsky. “Bring it on, white ass.”

“Oh, I will, yellow, I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	63. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I watched Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom a couple days ago and it was really good. One too many parallels to past movies but still good.  
> Anyways, enjoy and a insight to your feelings about the story or characters or characterizations would be nice.  
> Just saying
> 
> _“You’re one of the worst queer people I have ever met."_

“Dude, this is a fucking stupid ass idea.”

Kavinsky spared a glance at Prokopenko who was walking beside him. “Well, yeah, that’s kinda the point, fuckwad.” He liked Prokopenko; he kept him…human. “But I’ll put it on record with your many other voices of disapproval.”

Proko nodded like that was all he needed. “Good. Just had to be sure.”

He pulled out his phone and opened the ‘notes’ app just to make sure that he didn’t forget to do it later. Pulling up the ‘Proko Disapproves’ list, he typed in the new member of the crowd which joined the many many other points already listed. Kavinsky showed Prokopenko the phone, “Good?”

Taking a minute to read it with squinty eyes for effect, Prokopenko finally nodded. “Yup, looks right. So, curious question here, but how in the fuck do we know that this isn’t going to end horribly?”

“We don’t,” Kavinsky laughed as he shoved his phone back into his pocket and they continued on their stroll. “But ask me if I care, Sasha.”

Prokopenko didn’t even bother because he already knew the answer. “Jiang is fuck ass stupid, man. I can’t believe the idiot agreed to this.”

Honestly, Kavinsky couldn’t either. But Jiang seemed to seriously want some dudes to smoke and drink with and had deemed him, Proko, and Skov adequate so…it was his problem. The original idea Kavinsky had thought of was no longer in play, however, because both Skov and Prokopenko had decided that it was too dangerous. Kavinsky had thought that bull but he had agreed to think of something far less dangerous but no less amusing to him.

What he had come up with instead was quite simple.

Get naked.

Streak for two miles, ending at Aglionby.

Repaint Skov’s dick that Aglionby had pressure washed away, except this time in a nice bright pink.

Streak back to where he had started.

Order a slice of pizza and a glass of ice tea from Nino’s.

Enjoy.

In Kavinsky’s mind, it wasn’t even close to extreme. Hell, it wasn’t even dangerous. All Jiang literally had to do was run around naked. That was it. Sure, he could end up getting arrested for public indecency but that was hardly Kavinsky’s problem, now was it? “Could be worse.”

“Yeah, trust me, I know. That’s why it isn’t.”

Shrugging because how many times did he need to say it wasn’t his problem, Kavinsky came to a stop at the edge of the street, under the stop sign. Perfect spot. “Whatever. Go get in position while I make sure Skov is where he’s supposed to be.”

There was no way that Kavinsky was just going to trust Jiang’s word that he completed his assigned task. No, no, there had to be proof. Best way to achieve said proof was to see it with their own eyes, of course. Kavinsky was at the beginning of the leg, where Jiang’s journey would start. Skov was to be hiding out around the Borden House to make sure Jiang repainted the dick while Proko hung out at Nino’s. The pizza place definitely didn’t serve Jersey pizza but even Kavinsky could say that it was good. It also supposedly had the best ice tea in town though Kavinsky wasn’t sure how that could be tested. Was it like the tuna sandwich and just assumed that it was because it said so?

Who knew?

Originally, Skov had wanted to hide out in Nino’s figuring that there was less chance of getting in trouble there but when he thought about the fact that someone in Nino’s might call the cops on Jiang, he changed his mind. Kavinsky didn’t particularly care which part of the watch he got so he had given Nino’s to Prokopenko. The other dude was always hungry anyways so maybe he’d eat as he waited. Sometimes, Kavinsky was a little jealous of the other Slav’s appetite. Like holy damn, that guy could eat.

The thing he liked best about Prokopenko, though, was that while there was that ugly niggling of conscience in there, it was never enough to actually make him do something about anything. He always took a step back. “Okay,” he shrugged without a care, “Too bad he can’t get you arrested just for your stupid idea, huh?”

“No arrests just for ideas, Proko. Jiang is the one doing it, not me. Doesn’t matter who it came from.”

“Shame,” Prokopenko yawned as he walked towards Nino’s. “See you in a while.”

Kavinsky said nothing as his fellow raven boy walked away. Checking his watch and noting that Jiang had about fifteen minutes before he was to start stripping, Kavinsky took a seat at the base of the sign and got as comfortable as one could while sitting on the sidewalk under a stop sign. It was going to be hilarious seeing Jiang fly by in nothing but sneakers. Kavinsky had told him to make sure that he wore long socks just to further his amusement. Jiang had made a face but agreed regardless.

Maybe this wasn’t as awesome as watching Jiang blow up the raven fountain in Aglionby’s green – why couldn’t they just say courtyard??? – but it was still going to be pretty damn amusing.

Yay.

Wait, no, that was hardly the correct reaction. He needed a more appropriate one.

Yay!

Much better.

Stretching out his leg which was going a little numb, Kavinsky checked his watch again and grinned in excitement. Jiang would already be on his way by now. Damn, this was going to be good as fuck. He rested his hands in his lap as he waited in anticipation. It was late Sunday night so there weren’t people out and about when there was both school and work tomorrow. Sure, Kavinsky wanted Jiang to suffer but he didn’t want to get him arrested from the first time he did something for him.

That could come later.

Of course, Jiang still had a very high chance of getting arrested in Nino’s.

No one ever said Kavinsky was considerate. God.

The pounding of running footsteps sounded and Kavinsky smiled hysterically and began to cheer and whistle. “Woo! Hot damn, princess!” The small form became larger the closer Jiang got and soon, Kavinsky could see him easily as he passed by. “Ow, ow!” he howled in laughter, “Swing that dick back and forth, hotshot!”

Jiang flipped him off over his shoulder as he continued to run on.

A man on a mission right there.

He knew that the Asian boy had successfully painted a penis when he received a text from Skov, the entire image frame filled with a giant pink painted cock with little laughter emojis underneath. Kavinsky would admit, despite how much it pained him, that this Jiang dude was something. Something that intrigued Kavinsky to no end.

Something like what he had found in both Prokopenko and Skov.

Interesting…

His butt was more or less frozen by the time Jiang made his return pass by. If his butt was frozen, Jiang, his cock, and his balls must be so dead to the world that they were barely functioning. “Woop, woop, baby! Your balls are probably so far back into your body that you’ll never see them again but you go, man! Pride and prestige, here you come!”

Frozen huffs were coming out of Jiang as he labored on, the cold air probably killing his lungs, but nonetheless, Jiang said as he passed “Fuck. You.”

“Go get that pizza, princess!”

When he could no longer see Jiang nor hear his footsteps, Kavinsky got to his feet although it was one hell of an effort. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. His body was so frozen and stiff that getting up was one hell of an accomplishment. What the almighty fuck, man.

Shaking himself to get the blood flowing, he walked back the way he and Prokopenko had come, coming to a stop beside his car which had been parked on the side of the road. Once he was in and the car was on, he blasted the heat for a second before it became too hot for his wrecked body temp. He and Skov were to go meet Proko and Jiang at Nino’s – if, of course, Jiang wasn’t arrested – and from there, head to the lot to get shitfaced in celebration of Jiang passing his exam. When he got close to Aglionby, he shut off his music and headlights just in case security was creeping around because everyone knew that they’d love to pin the dick on him-

Ha. Ha. Pin the dick on him.

Anyways, security would love to get Kavinsky in trouble for vandalism. But being that he hadn’t done it and didn’t feel like taking the heat for the newest member of the crew, Kavinsky took precautions to ensure his innocence. He flashed his headlights only once and not a second later, a small figure in black came running over with a backpack slung over his shoulder. Skov literally ripped the door open and flung himself into the backseat as if the whole sheriff’s department was behind him. “Go! Go! Go!”

Pursing his lips in an amused smirk and turning to look over his shoulder at the boy stretched out in the back, literally still lying down, Kavinsky raised a brow and turned on the light above him. “Seriously.”

Skov lifted his head, the hoodie falling off to reveal his hair. Blue eyes sparkled back mischievously as his boyish smile grew. “C’mon, I thought it’d be funny! You know, like, you’re the getaway car and I’m the bad guy?”

Dear lord, help him from this puppy.

“That’s real cute, puppy,” he snorted as he shut the light off and faced forward, pulling the car out from the edge of the street. “Sit your ass up and put on your goddamn seatbelt.”

“Booooo!” Skov laughed but Kavinsky heard the click of the belt locking, “Kavinsky is worried about vehicle safety! Booooo!”

Unwittingly, a smile of amusement grew on his face. Like, an actual for real smile. Damn Skov and his puppyness. “I’m not worried for vehicular safety, ass, but I’m considerate being that I’m going to get us to Nino’s in less than two minutes.”

“Dude, Nino’s is an at least five minute drive. And that’s when the streets are empty. How exactly are you going to- fuck!” Skov choked for a few minutes from his seatbelt saving his life after Kavinsky hit the brakes hard. Kavinsky laughed as he looked in the rearview mirror at an incredibly pissed Skov. “The fuck was that for?”

“Duh,” Kavinsky snorted as he hit the gas again, literally flooring it because he was supposed to make it to Nino’s in one minute, “to show you why you need your seatbelt! And we’re getting to Nino’s in less than five minutes because I’m one fucking amazing driver, puppy.” His Evo screeched as he drifted sharply through the next corner, “See? You would have slammed into the door if you hadn’t been wearing your safety belt, princess!”

“Okay!” Skov snapped as they sharply took another corner, causing him to veer sharply in his seat with the belt cutting into him, “You’ve made your point!”

Laughing because this was too much fun and because they both knew that Kavinsky had taken the backroads where all the turns were on purpose, Kavinsky slowed down considerably and pulled into Nino’s lot. Proko and Jiang were sitting atop Jiang’s Supra, a beautiful car which had earned Jiang some respect from Kavinsky. Jiang had earned even more respect when he proved that he could actually _really_ drive the thing. Not just pathetic ‘turn here, drive there’ but actual ‘race here, drift there.’

Yeah, Jiang wasn’t bad.

He parked his car beside them and got out, Skov following a second later. “Wow, nice clothes. Funny, I didn’t know you had any,” Kavinsky laughed as he walked up to Jiang and Prokopenko. The clothes weren’t actually anything special, just an Adidas track suit but it was clothes. “No one called on you, huh?” That was slightly disappointing; it would have been hilarious for Jiang to get arrested naked.

“Nope,” Jiang replied while flipping him off, “Ordered my pizza and ice tea, sat my bare ass atop a napkin in a booth, and enjoyed my late night snack. Prokopenko checked to make sure that I finished and then let me get dressed. I passed, bitch.”

Kavinsky nodded while being mockingly impressed. “You passed, bitch. Well done. Skov, give him a smoke.”

Skov bounced over and held out a pack of cigarettes to Jiang who slipped one out. Puppy wouldn’t smoke but he ‘felt cool’ holding on to some so Kavinsky amused him with a pack of his own to keep in his pocket. He held out the box to Proko but the other boy shook his head. Kavinsky slipped one from the box and lit it up with his lighter and then lit Jiang’s. “Welcome to the crew, Jiang.”

“Now we celebrate!” Skov shouted into the quiet of the night with a raised fist. Looking to Kavinsky in excitement, he said in utter excitement “Guess what? Guess!”

Sighing as he shook his head and took a puff, Kavinsky replied as he leaned up on his car “What.”

“I’m gonna drink tonight.”

His cigarette froze on its way back to his mouth as he stared at Skov with a raised brow. Proko was also staring at the puppy like he was insane. Kavinsky had to admit, he was surprised as fuck. Skov wanted to try drinking? Fuck, the kid was thirteen for fuck’s sake.

But why did he have to care? The decision was Skov’s and if wanted to drink…then that was up to him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” the blonde nodded as he leaned beside Kavinsky, “It’s celebratory. But…I’m gonna water down my drink. Don’t laugh at me.”

Hell, Kavinsky used to water down his drinks all the time before he built himself a proper tolerance to withstand alcohol. It would be unfair to laugh at Puppy for the same thing. But he could make fun of him; it wasn’t like anyone actually knew that Kavinsky used to water them. “Wow, puppy. One second I’m proud and beaming and the next you shoot it down to shit. Nice job.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Prokopenko snorted. Kavinsky could tell that he wanted to snap or be angry but the other boy was holding his temper in. Prokopenko liked to call out Kavinsky and his bullshit. He was literally the only one besides his mother who would. Well, used to be his mother. High Vesela didn’t call out much of anything anymore except her high as hell fantasies. “Leave him be, man.”

Raising his hands in a form of defense, Kavinsky replied “I’m just saying. He can do whatever bullshit he wants. I’m just giving him my expensive opinion.”

“Fucker,” Jiang laughed as he took a smoke, “You give out your opinion to everyone all the time, regardless of who and what the situation is. Your opinion is the like a cheap whore who gives it up for free.”

Prokopenko choked on his gum before he started to laugh. Skov was red even in the dim light, trying to hold in his own laughter. “Cute,” Kavinsky acknowledged. And it was; Jiang could hold his own which was promising. It kept him interesting. Kavinsky needed to stay interested to keep anyone around. But the smug look the Asian wore just pissed him off. “And while you’re entitled to your thoughts, know that they come with consequences.”

“Oh yeah?” Jiang smirked as he slid off his car, getting all up in Kavinsky’s face. He was substantially shorter but he knew from experience that Jiang’s height didn’t stop him from being a good fighter. “What consequences are those, Kavinsky?”

Wearing a smirk of his own, Kavinsky dropped his cigarette on the floor and swung. The blow landed square into Jiang’s cheek who grunted in pain, clutching his cheek as he hunched over. “Fuck.”

Stooping down, Kavinsky picked up his smoke and resumed his puffs. “Words are free, sure, but everything has a price, sweets. Talk all the shit you like, I don’t care, but know that sometimes those words are going to cause you some serious pain. Watch yourself.”

Jiang straightened and glared a fierce one but he only nodded slowly. “Noted.” Nudging Kavinsky in the shoulder with a fist – must be the guy’s thing – Jiang smiled and added “I like you.”

Kavinsky snorted. “Bad idea, baby, bad idea.”

Very very bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	64. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> This is entirely irrelevant to the story but I made new art. Digital is a pain still but practice is all good and I returned to pencil and I think the piece came out gorgeous so yeah
> 
> Joseph and Jiang bonding because why not?  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Fucking pathetic, aren’t you?”_

“The dare is simple,” Jiang began with a glowing smile and a flourish of his hands like he was giving a grand presentation, “Go in. Pick a fight. Come out. Done.”

“That’s it?” Kavinsky said incredulously. That was the best that this idiot could come up with? Get in a fight? Kavinsky fucking breathed fighting for fuck’s sake. “The fuck kind of dare is that, man?”

Jiang was smiling like he knew something that Kavinsky didn’t. “If it’s so simple, then go on.” He nodded in the direction of the bar. Henrietta was a decent little town but it didn’t mean that it didn’t have its very own seedy bar. “Pick a fight. Oh, and don’t die.”

Kavinsky looked back over towards the bar. He wasn’t stupid; he knew his chances. Fighting may be a part of his weekly Saturday diet but the people in that bar could be big old rednecks who could kick his ass in a second.

Maybe this wasn’t as simple as he had thought.

Plus…weren’t the people inside most likely middle-aged men?

Joseph did not have good experiences with those types at all. Kavinsky may be an entirely separate entity but he lived off of Joseph so he shared all his…issues.

Fuck.

His fellow raven boy must have seen the growing apprehension on his face because he laughed while clapping like it was the funniest thing in the world to see Kavinsky worried. Afraid. “So, let’s talk penalty.”

It pissed him off to no end that Jiang just assumed that he couldn’t do it. However, he wasn’t exactly proving him wrong, was he? The frustration and irritation inside of him was reaching the point of no return and yet Kavinsky couldn’t bring himself to get his feet moving. Was he really going to let his ruined psyche fuck him up? Take the stupid fucking penalty? Who even knew what it was; they didn’t tell each other what the penalty was for each turn.

Fuck.

Gritting his teeth because he just fucking knew that he’d fall into panic if some middle-aged man was atop him and beating his face in, Kavinsky snarled “Fucking talk.”

Triumph glittered in Jiang’s eyes as a smug look covered his entire stupid face. Last week, they had gotten into a fight about something – he had no clue what it had been being that he had been beyond high – and Kavinsky had cracked him one so hard above his eye that Jiang’s brow had split. Kavinsky had told him the he owed him a thank you because even he had to admit that the cut was going to scar over all badass looking. “A truth.”

“What?”

Smirking and leaning in, Jiang whispered “I want a truth from Joseph.”

Clenching a fist against the grille of his Evo as he leaned against it, Kavinsky snapped “Fuck you.”

With a flourishing smile that annoyed Kavinsky to fucking Pluto and back, Jiang leaned up next to Kavinsky. They were alone today; Proko having to work on a group project and Skov spending the day with his parents. Kavinsky hadn’t exactly been thrilled and thought of just staying home because while Jiang seemed like a cool guy, Kavinsky wasn’t very good at being comfortable with him. There was just something about him that he couldn’t place. “The penalty is to tell me a truth. You took the penalty so…tell me a truth, Joseph.”

It was a challenge, he knew that.

But he didn’t want to take the challenge.

Quickly spinning around, he grasped Jiang and slammed him back into the hood of the Evo and flicked out his knife against his neck. “Fuck. You.”

Kavinsky didn’t understand what the hell this guy was always smirking about, especially now being that he was in a vulnerable position. Softly grasping Kavinsky’s wrist, Jiang laughed “Dude, I just want you to tell me a truth. How hard is that? Unless you’ve got a shit ton to hide, yeah?”

Clenching his teeth and practically strangling the knife in his hand, Kavinsky took a deep breath before he said “Fine. Ask a question.”

“Ooh, didn’t think I’d get that nice of an opening. Damn.” Softly pushing Kavinsky’s knife wielding hand away from his throat, Jiang asked “Why don’t you date.”

Every ounce of tension escaped from his body as he stared in confusion at the boy beneath him. “That’s your question? I literally give you a chance to ask any bullshit you want and you ask _that_? The fuck?” Literally, of all the things to come out of Jiang’s mouth, this was the most shocking. Like, it was barely even registering in his head right now.

Why didn’t he date?

The fuck?

With an all casual shrug, Jiang replied “Yeah. Why don’t you? You could literally – okay, let’s be real, not literally – but you could get a whole lotta girls. So…why don’t you?”

“I do.”

“Nah, nah,” Jiang said while shaking his head against the hood. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get up. “you know that’s not what I mean. Why bounce around with the risk of diseases and babies when you could stick with one? Like a nice sweet one who’s all doting and shit?”

If this was seriously his penalty, this was fucking easy compared to picking a fight. Jesus Christ. Sighing as he let up and put his knife away, Kavinsky pulled out a cigarette and lit it once he was sitting comfortably on his hood. Jiang scooted up from where he lay and sat cross-legged beside him. “One? Condoms. That should answer the entire first half of the questions.”

“Wasn’t sure if cokeheads remember condoms or not.”

Fuck this dude. He _always_ remembered.

Well, almost always.

He had been so high his last time that it hadn’t even registered that he hadn’t suited up. It wasn’t until he had finished and the girl, whoever she may have been, screamed bloody hell at him. Hell, Kavinsky didn’t blame her; he didn’t want babies any more than she did. He had been sitting on edge for the past month, terrified that she’d suddenly turn up saying they had made a baby. He had gotten his hands on the morning after pill for her and he knew that those things were almost foolproof but it didn’t stop him from being scared. That wasn’t all he was scared for though.

After his fear of babies had worn off, another one had been born. Such an intense one that it had drove him to see Gwen at the hospital because what were the chances that a fifteen year old girl had diseases? How the fuck did he know that she hadn’t been lying when she had said that she was clean? He didn’t. and being that Kavinsky trusted no one, he sure as fuck hadn’t trusted her.

Luckily, she hadn’t been a liar.

“Two,” Kavinsky continued as he gave a cigarette and the lighter to Jiang, “Why would I attach some girl to me? I don’t need sweetness and doting and whatever. That all comes at a cost, you know.” He couldn’t help the snort he let out, “Date, he says. That was a fucking waste of a question, just so you know.” Turning to face Jiang, he pointed a harsh finger. “Why the fuck don’t you date? Why ask me when you’re no better?”

With a shrug and a drag, Jiang replied “Long distance doesn’t work and I’m not ready to move on just yet. And no one around here has caught my eye anyways. The girls are either trying too hard or not enough and the guys are mostly butt ass ugly or not my type.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he muttered as he stared out at the street and the buildings across from them. To this day, he had no idea what exactly his type was. Gorgeous smile? Bubbling laugh? Those were what had made Emilio beau- “Burn me.”

“What?”

Holding out his arm because having the punishment come from someone else was a bit of a rush and, quite frankly, amusing, Kavinsky repeated “Burn me.” When Jiang still didn’t move, he shook his arm and held it out palm side up. “Just jam your smoke in my arm for a couple seconds. It’s free of charge.”

Jiang was looking at him like he was insane. “Dude, I am not going to burn you for such a stupid reason.”

With curiosity wiggling in his brain because what exactly did this guy think he knew, Kavinsky shook his arm again. This time, though, he used a little more emphasis. “Burn me, ass.”

Huffing and stamping out his cigarette on the hood of the Evo, Jiang snapped “I’m not fucking burning you for admitting that you like guys, man. The fuck is wrong with you? Ask me to burn you for something else and I’d do it, legit shit, but not for this.”

Kavinsky could feel how wide his eyes had flown open in their shock. When had he admitted that? He sure as fuck _never_ said that. Fucking hell, it wasn’t even remotely true. He wasn’t a God fucking fag. Sometimes he just…would forget himself and his thoughts would wander. It wasn’t his fault. “The fuck you say to me?”

Rolling his eyes and jumping off the hood so he stood in front of Kavinsky, Jiang crossed his arms and made a grim face. “I. Am. Not. Burning. You. Period.”

“Not that,” he snapped in furious frustration. _No one_ knew that secret. No one _could_ know. “The fucking hell makes you think that I’m a fag?”

His nostrils flared and there was a fire blazing in his dark eyes but Jiang’s voice remained steady. “I said there were no good looking guys around and you agreed.”

Had he? He didn’t…

Fuck.

Putting out his own cigarette, Kavinsky stepped to the floor and moved into Jiang’s space. It was all about intimidation, especially when he had height on his side but the only sign there was that Jiang was uncomfortable was his one step back. The defiance and fire were no less in him as Kavinsky snarled quietly “I advise you not to talk bullshit like that again.”

Entirely undeterred, Jiang replied “It’s not my problem if you’re not comfortable with yourself. You wanna be homophobic and hate your existence? Fine. I genuinely don’t give a fuck. I don’t exactly consider us friends. But if you try aiming any of your bullshit my way know that I will kick your fucking scrawny ass. And if you’re worried that I’m going to go around and shout that Kavinsky likes dudes, forget about it. Like I said, not my issue.”

While he was tempted to throw punches and get violent and force out promises, Kavinsky knew that what was being offered was the best that he was going to get. There was no way out of the situation anyways. Hell, if he _did_ throw punches, it’d probably make Jiang tell people.

Jiang had gotten a hold of his dirtiest secret. Not darkest, no, because that was murder. But dirtiest for sure.

“Fine,” he muttered with a fierce huff of air. All he could do was take Jiang’s word. Stepping back to give each other some space, Kavinsky asked carefully because he didn’t want to show his curiosity “So…you’re, like, bi?” For the first month after his life had gone to shit, he had often wondered why he couldn’t have been at least bisexual. Then he could say that he liked girls. It wasn’t as bad as only liking guys. Maybe being bi would have helped his case a bit.

That had only been the first month though because after that, in his mind, anything that wasn’t straight was a fag.

Shaking his head as he relaxed just a touch, Jiang said “Nah, man, pan.”

Kavinsky stared at Jiang like he was a foreign object. “The fuck is that?”

“Pan. You know…pansexual.” When he realized that Kavinsky’s face was still completely lost, Jiang sighed and shook his head. “You seriously don’t know?”

He blinked.

“Oh-kay. I guess I should expect that.” Scratching at the scab splitting his eyebrow, Jiang explained “There’s more than just bi and gay. You do know that much at least, right?”

He blinked once more.

“You’re one of the worst queer people I have ever met. Okay so-”

Two blinks. “I don’t know what that is either.”

Jiang literally gaped at him and in that moment, he no longer looked like badass Jiang and seemed so much more like a boy. Kavinsky wondered when was the last time he himself had managed to look like that. He…kind of missed it. Just being…him. Normal.

Joseph.

Rubbing his eyes with tired hands, Jiang asked “You don’t know what queer is? Dear Lord.” With a shake of his head and a sigh, Jiang shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans with zippers everywhere and said slowly “I’m queer. You’re queer. We’re all on the rainbow spectrum. Get it?”

It took a lot to stamp down his fury at being called something gay. But he was too curious to give in to it right now. “Rainbow…?”

At least Jiang wasn’t laughing at him for all this. “Okay, okay, you…obviously don’t get it. That probably has a lot to do with your denial. Okay. Fine.” Jiang pulled out his phone and typed something in before flipping the screen for Kavinsky to see. “This is the pride flag. For anyone who is under the ‘not-straight’ umbrella. You with me so far?”

He examined the picture carefully. Hadn’t…he felt like Emilio had had a yarn bracelet in a rainbow. Alicia-no, no, Linda had made it for him, hadn’t she? Is this what it was supposed to represent? “Rainbow flag equals fags. Yeah, I’m with you.”

“I’ll let that slide for this one second because I know it’s the only way you’re going to stomach learning about yourself.” Flipping the phone back to himself, Jiang typed another thing and turned the phone back in Kavinsky’s direction. “Now, these are a few of the people who come under this lovely rainbow. Now, let’s just settle simple for your homophobic ass. LGBTQ. Tell me that you know that much. Please.”

Scratching the side of his head as he read the list before him, he replied “I’ve heard the word before but without the ‘q.’ Is the ‘q’ for queer?”

“Or questioning.”

“But…” he checked the list again, “There’s no panwhatever on here.”

“Like I said, basics,” Jiang said as he took back his phone. “In short basic words, pan people like myself like everyone. Guys, girls, you name it.”

Scrunching his face in his confusion, Kavinsky pointed out “Wouldn’t that just make you a bi-fag?”

He should have anticipated the fist that came cracking his face.

Acting like he hadn’t just punched Kavinsky, Jiang answered “Pansexual means I’m attracted to _everyone_. I just said that.”

Rubbing his cheek and taking a step back to lean against his car, Kavinsky tried to think about this. But this hardly made any sense. Didn’t that just mean he looked at guys and girls? “I don’t understand. There’s guys and then there are girls. Who the fuck is everyone?”

“Dear Lord,” Jiang sighed, rubbing between his eyes as though he was relieving some sort of stress. “There’s more than guys and girls, man. Intersex and non-binary people exist. Genderfluidity. And I’m not even sure if you’re including trans people so I will just in case. Jesus, you are so lost.”

Not wanting to seem stupider than he apparently was already, Kavinsky didn’t bother asking what being non-binary meant. And what about genderfluid? What, guys and girls switch up their looks or something? Look like each other? “Whatever,” he muttered as he crossed his arms defensively.

Jiang sighed yet again but he let the conversation go, able to tell that Kavinsky no longer wanted a part of it, and instead said “Just in case I gotta say it again, don’t worry about nothing, alright? But…I hope you get passed your monumental hang ups.”

A loud snort erupted from him as he took out a new cigarette. It wasn’t a hang up, it was knowing how disgusting these apparent queers were. He sure as fuck wasn’t falling down that hole again. Not in this lifetime or the next.

Hang ups.

Ha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	65. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoyyyyyy
> 
> _"Because while you need everything everyone has ever told you, you also just need company."_

“This is for you,” he whispered softly as he set down the plush beside his sleeping mother. She looked a little more peaceful than usual which was always a good sign. The past few days had been a little rough on her though he wasn’t exactly sure why. He had actually tried asking but when she was high, she wasn’t exactly coherent.

With a sigh, he sat on the opposite edge of the bed with his back to her and rested his head in his hands. Would she even be aware enough when she awoke and got high to remember that whales were her favorite? He bought her something every month just so she’d know that even though they were one giant fucking mess, they were still them, and this month, his eye had landed on the cutest whale he’d ever seen. It was both green and pink which meant that it was a sign because those were her favorite colors.

He hoped she wouldn’t be too high to where she couldn’t love it.

Sitting here and wallowing was going to do him no good so with a heavier sigh, Kavinsky straightened and rolled his shoulders before leaning towards his mother and pressing a kiss to her temple. “Love you.”

As he leaned back, her phone slid towards the pressure he was putting in the mattress, bumping his hand. He stared at it for a second before settling himself back down and grabbing it. Maybe the reason she wasn’t okay was hidden in here. There was no way she had changed her password after all this time, right?

Kavinsky typed in the pin.

Right.

_Thank you for being forgetful._

“Where to start…” he murmured as he stared at her home screen. The wallpaper brought on both nostalgia and depression as it was a picture of happier times of when she, Joseph, and Ivo had gone to New York to do all the ‘touristy things.’ It had been Joseph’s thirteenth birthday gift. He’d been asking for a year if they could play tourists for a week and Ivo had surprised them the day after Joseph’s birthday by saying they had hotel reservations waiting for them in New York. A week of family fun just for them, waiting across the river.

Where had family fun gone.

Clicking the little phone icon, Kavinsky decided to start with who she had been talking to lately. Tétka called all the time but he knew that the calls were rarely answered which was only because his mother was too up there to come down for the phone. As he scrolled her call log, he noticed that for the past two months, the only callers were tétka Nikol and tetíncho Yulian and occasionally himself. “Huh,” Kavinsky wondered as he checked over it again, “that’s weird.”

Switching to messages, Kavinsky noticed that it was the same there too. “Really weird.” Ivo used to call fifty times a day though it had eased off to a few times a day. Hell, he still called Kavinsky’s phone, trying to get him to answer. So why the hell wasn’t he in the logs on his mother’s phone?

Something wasn’t right.

According to her phone, Ivo hadn’t called or texted in two months. But that couldn’t be right, could it? Kavinsky scrolled to the last call Ivo had made, exactly two months ago yesterday. What if…his mother had been counting the days and that was why she had been a complete mess? She was waiting for Ivo to call but he never had.

Fucking bastard.

But…how could Ivo _not_ call? He was obsessed with his wife. Loved her more than anyone in the entire world. She was his everything. Except… “Maybe the same logic applies…” Kavinsky never felt like drugged up Vesela was his mother. Maybe Ivo didn’t feel like the woman in his wife’s body all hocked up on cocaine was his beautiful bubbly wife.

That could very much be it.

Ivo was now part of the problem though, wasn’t he? Because him not talking to her was making her worse. So…for her to go back to just regular high Vesela and not extremely messed up high Vesela…she needed to talk to her husband. Hear his voice and, maybe, that he still loved her.

Okay, he could fix that. Easy.

He clicked the chat with Ivo and typed.

_Please just fucking call her_

 

 

“What was your position?” Skov asked as he grabbed the bat off the grass and bounced over to home base. Makeshift home base but good enough for a street game. It had been Prokopenko’s idea to set up a mock baseball game. Honestly, Kavinsky felt like he had done it just to make sure Kavinsky didn’t try some illegal new thing. The dude was the legit shit but he had a line and a limit.

And, well, Kavinsky could be real. They could all act like they were the baddest of all asses but they were just teenage boys. They were easily amused by normal things too. Not to mention that Kavinsky was a huge baseball nerd so…duh.

“Pitcher,” Kavinsky replied as he rolled the ball in his hand. It’d been awhile so he knew that he was going to suck horribly. “Used to clock some of the fastest times.”

“Used to?”

Laughing as he tried to loosen up his arm in the motions he still knew by heart, he replied “I can be honest once in a while. No way I’m as good as I used to be. Especially not while I’m high. My bad in advance if I hit you with the ball.”

“Wow,” Prokopenko snorted as he took position as catcher. “That almost sounded like an apology.”

“Not possible,” Jiang called from the ‘dugout.’ “I call bullshit.”

They obviously didn’t even have close to the number of people they’d need to have a decent game but they were going to make do. Jiang was on Skov’s team and would bat next while Proko managed home and third base and Kavinsky everything else. It was going to be hard to catch if Skov did know how to hit but oh well.

At least he was playing. It was kind of…exciting to be on the pitcher’s mound again.

Kicking the mound and loosening his arm one last time, Kavinsky called out “Alright, alright, shut up. Let’s see if I still got it or not.”

“Booo!” Skov laughed as he took stance. Kavinsky had always had trouble with batting but, damn, he was dying to correct Skov’s stance. It sucked balls. “Kavinsky has no skill!”

“Proko!” His fellow Slav nodded to show that he was listening, “You good with baseball like basketball?”

“Decent,” Prokopenko replied with a shrug. “I can hit and catch. Kinda throw. Why?”

Nodding towards overexcited Puppy, he said “Please fix his crap stance before I cry looking at him.”

Skov looked down at himself and adjusted his feet a little. “What’s wrong with how I’m standing?” Prokopenko stood out of his crouch and adjusted Skov’s shoulders a bit and turned him slightly to the side.

“It’s crap,” Kavinsky snorted as he waited and tossed the ball from one hand to the other, “Fix his arms and grip too.”

Once Skov was decently adjusted, Kavinsky got into his own stance, deciding what he wanted to try throwing. Proko didn’t know the signals so they weren’t even bothering with them. Hopefully the guy could catch as decently as he thought he could. “Let’s go, man,” Jiang said, swinging his arms around as he stood, “Let’s see what you got.”

Hopefully, he still got.

Rolling his shoulder one more time, Kavinsky threw, hoping it was good enough to be one of his fastballs. It was good enough for Skov to miss – or the blonde was just that bad – but Kavinsky could easily tell that it was a crappy pitch.

Skov looked entirely impressed though. “Whoa…awesome!”

“That was crap,” Kavinsky couldn’t help but snort as he caught the ball Prokopenko had tossed back to him. His decent had luckily caught the ball. “Nothing compared to what I used to be able to do. Fuck.” Definitely didn’t come as a surprise though.

“That was complete crap. The fuck was that?”

Kavinsky spun around on his heels, ready to snap at whoever had the nerve to judge him. He could say shit about himself, yeah, but no one else could. Definitely not this…whoever this fucker was just standing there all smug with arms crossed. “Why don’t you fuck off, yeah?”

“Touchy,” the boy laughed as he walked over, coming to stand face to face with Kavinsky. The boy was shorter – people usually were and, Lord, was that ironic – but not by much. He was broader in the shoulders but he wasn’t built like…that other guy had been. No, he was more of a swimmer’s body.

But that was still bigger than Kavinsky would ever be.

He nodded to the ball in Kavinsky’s hand. “Mind if I do?”

“Yeah, actually,” he snapped, pissed beyond logical reason, “I do fucking mind. Fuck off.”

“I mean, you could let him try. Fucking chill.” Kavinsky turned to glare at Jiang who had challenge bristling in his eyes. “Who the fuck cares if he tries, man?”

“I fucking care.” It was supposed to be them – him – enjoying baseball. What Kavinsky didn’t need was whoever this piece of fuck was to come and ruin the one moment he had almost felt like himself. Focusing back on the intruder who was still so smug that Kavinsky knew that he might end up doing something stupid, he snarled “Fuck. Off.”

“Such a fucking pussy,” the boy laughed, “Fucking pathetic, aren’t you?”

That’s when he’d had enough.

Dropping the ball to the floor, Kavinsky flew at the stranger, knocking him to the floor before he began laying into him. Kavinsky wasn’t stupid; he knew that the element of surprise was probably the only reason he had been able to knock this guy over. But it was good enough and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to complain right now as he landed blow after blow.

He was only allowed to complain once he was flipped over and the boy was atop him, straddling his waist as he served his own punches. It wasn’t the punches that bothered him – he’d been punched a million times before – but it was the position. Whenever he fought on Saturday nights, Kavinsky _always_ made sure that he _never_ landed in this position. It didn’t even matter if it costed him the fight, it wasn’t allowed to happen.

It was too much like when he had had Jordan atop him.

The boy atop him now wasn’t Asian by any means, didn’t even closely resemble Jordan with his broader face and features, but it didn’t make the situation any less terrifying.

Make him relive his rape any less.

Terror froze him in place. He couldn’t bring himself to move an inch as the boy landed more punches and he hadn’t even realized that the punches had stopped until Prokopenko was snapping his fingers in his face. “Kavinsky. Hello? Dude, you there? Joseph?”

Joseph. Joseph was lost in his head right now, please leave a message after the tone.

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

“Get away from me,” he finally managed to whisper. He knew he looked like some damaged little doe, all wide eyed and panicked but he couldn’t bring himself to care how ruined his image would be right now. He needed to get away from everyone that was very decidedly male. Now. Like right this fucking second. “Away.”

Prokopenko’s thick brows dropped in confusion but he slowly nodded and backed up, giving Kavinsky space to sit up. Kavinsky’s breaths were short and sharp and he knew that he needed to put his head between his knees and just _breathe_ but he couldn’t do it in front of all these boys. They saw him for Kavinsky, they couldn’t see him as some weak damaged bitch regardless that he was one.

“Do you want a tissue?” Skov asked tentatively, holding one out for Kavinsky. The jackass who had ruined their game was sitting beside Skov, tissues already up his nose and his eyes bruised and puffy. Kavinsky knew he heard the words and he knew he understood them but Kavinsky was lost too far down in the hole that had swallowed him practically two years ago when life had gone to shit. “Tissue?” Skov repeated as he held it out.

Blinking and trying to just fucking _breathe_ , Kavinsky shut his eyes and whispered “No, thank you.”

“No…thank you?” Jiang said in a practically scandalized voice. “You didn’t seriously just say that.”

“Just shut the FUCK UP!” Kavinsky- no, _Joseph_ – shouted as he jumped to his feet. His heart was beating so hard and fast that it felt like his whole body was vibrating, his blood pressure felt like it had skyrocketed hundreds of feet in the air, and his head was pounding viciously. He needed to get away from these people. From all people.

From himself.

“You okay?” Prokopenko asked carefully, like he was walking on the thinnest wire in the world and, honestly, with Joseph’s psyche on the verge of collapse right now, it was extremely thin. “Kavinsky? Man, you alright?”

No, he wasn’t and never had been and he just needed to _get away._ Grabbing his hat off the floor and not even caring about his bat and balls, he was about to make a mad dash for his car before everyone saw him breakdown but didn’t have the chance when a careful hand grasped his wrist. “You okay?” Skov asked quietly.

Joseph yanked his arm from his grasp so viciously that Skov let out a little yelp of surprise. He didn’t have time for Puppy to be so sweet and helpful and shit. What Joseph needed was to get home, throw up, and scrub himself so hard and so clean that he’d be bright red. His skin felt disgusting with memory and screamed ‘CLEAN ME NOW’ ‘RIP ME OFF.’

And he needed to do just that.

Practically running to his car, he jumped in, turned it on, and screeched off towards his house. He was leaving a confused crowd with some damaging ammo in his wake but Joseph knew he couldn’t handle them. Kavinsky could but the armor had broken the moment Jordan came back to life in his head.

The first thing he did once he reached home was run up to his bathroom and shove a finger down his throat as he lunged over the toilet to vomit everything in him. He felt disgusting and in order to be clean, it was required to be done from inside and out. Once the coughing and barfing and crying was done, Joseph dragged himself into his shower, not bothering to remove his clothes yet, and cried some more after turning it on, letting the water wash away his tears. He wished it could wash away the filth and shame but Joseph knew from experience that that just didn’t happen.

Just like every other thing he had ever wished for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	66. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks to my lovely readers as usual. Comments, questions, Snapshot requests, criticisms....anything is welcome anytime  
> And a special thanks to my amazing beta inwaytoodeepopps who is also now beta-ing Proko's story. You're awesome, dude
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Can you guys just fucking not for fucking sakes?”_

Sasha put on his best smile as the door to Kavinsky’s house opened. He had thought about it a lot if he should follow his friend home or not and had finally decided that he was going to wait a few hours and then go, just in case Kavinsky was still in that…weird mood. He wasn’t quite sure what the problem was, but Sasha knew a breakdown when he saw one. Hell, he’d been in plenty before he had been forced into this stupid town.

A woman stood before him and Sasha could tell that she had probably once been gorgeous before…whatever had messed with her had. She tilted her head at him in curiosity before literally pasting a smile on her face and saying “Hello.”

“Um, hi,” he said nervously. Something about her eyes kind of set him off in a weird way. Just…something wasn’t right about them. “Is Kavinsky here? Joseph?” Sasha knew that he was being that his car was in the driveway but that was usually the best way to start any sort of opening conversation at someone’s door when they were oddly staring at you.

“Up, up, upstairs,” she laughed while pointing up, waving her finger around, “Upstairs.”

Oh-kay. On second thought, he knew what was wrong with her pupil-blown eyes. The fuck kind of home life was this where your mom was high? Sasha couldn’t help but wonder if the Kavinskys used drugs together or not. “Can I go see him upstairs, please?” She said nothing but instead smiled indulgently and moved to the side. Taking that as an invitation, Sasha walked in with a “Thank you.”

His family came from money so he knew it when he saw it but, Jesus, this place was a monster. He took in the enormity but also noted the emptiness as he walked over to the staircase, only stopping for a second to take off his Nike’s, before going up the grand staircase. She hadn’t specified where up, up, upstairs but Sasha came to a stop at the first door when his eyes caught on a bookcase filled with model cars. If there was one thing he knew for a fact about Kavinsky, it was that he was obsessed with cars in every which way.

There was no noise coming from the room, so he walked in silently and slowly. There was what he assumed to be a bathroom from what he could see through the crack that was left open. He had to admit his surprise at seeing a cat tower and bed in the corner beside the balcony door; Kavinsky was a cat guy? The more you knew.

Peeking around another bookcase showed him a bed with a figure in it, curled up under the covers. Had to be Kavinsky, right? Sasha knew that there was no way that the dude was asleep; Kavinsky never slept if his face was anything to go by. Stepping over softly, he carefully sat down on the floor beside the bed. At any other time, he’d be taking in the sights and seeing what Kavinsky was really like by checking out his room but now was hardly the time.

“I know you’re awake,” Sasha started quietly, crossing his legs and setting his hands in his lap. His gaze was focused on the edge of the bed, more unfocused really because he was putting his thoughts into his words and not his surroundings. “And you don’t need to say anything or even acknowledge me. Hell, I don’t even care if you work hard to make sure that you don’t listen to me. But out of all the things that make me up, my voice is actually the one thing that I like so I’ll just talk anyways.”

Taking a deep breath, Sasha knew that he had to step carefully and thoroughly consider every single word that he said. It was a sensitive topic and a dangerous area that he was trying to walk around. “I consider you a friend even though I know you don’t consider anyone your friends. I’m not going to ask why or even bother wondering. It’s your business. But because I consider you a friend, I want to say a few things. I know a breakdown when I see one, especially because I’ve been through a few of my own. I’m not going to ask what’s wrong. I’m not going to ask who hurt you. I’m not even going to tell you that it’ll all be okay. That’s not why I’m here.”

He could have sworn there was a tiny twitch or shift under the blanket but Sasha wasn’t for sure. The façade of Kavinsky had broken back in the park and Sasha knew it. He felt like Skov knew it too but Jiang hadn’t. That guy Swan hadn’t either. They had just both laughed and said how funny it was that Kavinsky couldn’t take a few hits.

Kavinsky could take hits, Sasha knew that. He’d seen him do it tons of times. But once Swan had the upper hand in the fight, something had changed because it wasn’t Kavinsky taking those hits anymore.

It was Joseph.

And whoever that was or whatever that meant, there was a substantial difference. “Joseph, look, man. I can sit here and say a ton of shit that I have a feeling you’ve heard before. And none of those things you’ve heard are wrong. But I’m not going to say those things because I know that right now? Right now, what you need is something entirely different. We don’t have to talk about anything or mention any of this at all. Hell, you don’t even have to look at me. But what you need is company. It doesn’t even have to be me. It doesn’t even have to be a person. Literally, it could be a stuffed animal that you hold tight against you.”

This time Sasha knew that Kavinsky had moved. And when eyes popped out over the blanket, he knew he had earned his attention. Making sure he had his words perfectly sorted in his head to have the perfect pitch, Sasha finished “So while it doesn’t have to be me, I’m going to offer myself up. I’ll be your drinking buddy. I’ll share a joint with you. Because while you need everything everyone has ever told you, you also just need company. My approach may not be the most logical or the most ethical but…sometimes logic and ethics aren’t what a person needs.”

The eyes blinked back at him for a few minutes of complete silence before a whisper came from behind the cover, “Thank you.” The words alone were vulnerable and Sasha knew that he had reached a level of Joseph that people of this town just didn’t see. The blanket shifted as Joseph sat up and then fell to his lap once he was sitting cross-legged like Sasha. Joseph blushed – God fucking _blushed_ – and looked down at whatever the hell that blood covered thing was in his lap. “I…actually did remember to give myself some company.”

He was dying to say something about all the blood but Sasha knew that after the speech he gave, he’d ruin his entire credibility and Joseph would throw him out. It wasn’t like he’d never seen the scars on his arms before so he knew from where the blood came from but…seeing was an entirely different thing. Evoked emotions that Sasha wasn’t in the mood for right now. “What the hell is that thing, man.”

A little laugh escaped Joseph’s pale lips as he pet the top of the furry thing, “This is Mr. Cat.” He kind of giggled then as he held it up and looked it over. “He never really did look like a cat but I’ve had him since I was little and…I love him. This bastard was born to cuddle.”

Okay, good, so he had a cuddle buddy. That was really good actually. “I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s the master cuddler but, fuck, man, he’s ugly.”

The softest smile he had ever seen covered Joseph’s face as he continued petting the blood-stained mess. “My dad used to call him Lord Hideous.”

His…dad. Okay, that was new. Just like Joseph knew that Viktor was Sasha’s father, Sasha had figured out that Ivo was Joseph’s. But the other boy had _never_ called Ivo his dad. He refused to use any sort of paternal word. So if he was calling him his dad…he must just…be really…broken. Hurting. Something where all that was in his head was the good times. “Lord Hideous, huh? Appropriate as fuck.”

Still smiling as he looked at his ugly ass cat, Joseph replied “Yeah, yeah it is.” He fell silent but Sasha didn’t push him to talk as Joseph lost himself in his head and memories. He just sat and continued to pet his cat until finally Joseph murmured “I love my dad. And I love my mom.”

In truth, Sasha wasn’t entirely sure how he was supposed to answer that. One, he was completely thrown off by the admission that Joseph loved his father and two, it was sweet and all but…okay? What was he supposed to say? “That’s-”

“But he doesn’t love me and she’s too high to remember that she loves me. But that’s okay because I still love them both.”

“It must be nice,” Sasha said, surprising himself because since he came to Henrietta, he hadn’t opened up to anyone, not even Skov. “To love someone. I mean, I’ve loved two people in my life but neither of them were my parents. I bet having that sentiment is beautiful. Gotta admit that I’m jealous as fuck.”

Curiosity opened Joseph’s shuttered face that had been lost in his memories. “Never?”

“Never loved them? No. I love my grandmother and my best friend. That’s it. My parents never loved me so I never extended that grace to them.”

Tilting his head in what Sasha thought to be thought, Joseph said nothing as he laid down, apparently letting the topic go. He laid down but it wasn’t to cover himself or hide away; he was still aware and watching Sasha intently with his cat tight in his arms. Sasha, in turn, said nothing to keep both the peace and the silence and took the moment to glance around the room. He wasn’t the type of person to paint his room but he liked the colors Joseph had. Purple kind of threw him off because he never imagined Joseph to be a purple guy but to each his own.

His eyes traced over a large map on the wall beside him. “What’s this from?” When silence greeted his question, Sasha spared a glance back in Joseph’s direction. The other boy looked scandalized. “What?”

“You seriously don’t know?” Sasha shook his head. “Fuck my life, man. What the fuck?” Sitting up suddenly, Joseph asked with such seriousness “Tell me that you know what Lord of the Rings is.”

Sasha shrugged. “I know of it though I don’t actually know anything about it.”

Joseph’s jaw literally dropped. “Seriously? Oh my God, Proko, we can’t associate with each other anymore, dude. That there was a huge deal breaker.”

Apparently, Joseph Kavinsky was a nerd. Dear Lord, who knew. “Look, tell you what, we go to the fairgrounds with some drinks and you tell me all about this Lord of the Rings. Sounds good?”

It almost looked like there was a glow of excitement in Joseph’s eyes. “Brilliant, actually. Man, am I going to make you fifty times smarter tonight. Keep up though because there are billions of names to remember.”

 

 

“Why…did you bring this guy with you?” Sasha whispered to Jiang who sat down beside him while trying not to get the guy’s attention. Look, he knew that Jiang wasn’t really a fan of Kavinsky’s in a personal sort of way but enjoyed hanging around with him but still. Who in the fuck brings the guy that your buddy had a fight with literally the day before?

Jiang shrugged and said in a loud voice as he took out his lunch “Swan wanted to hang out. I said yes.”

The dude Swan smiled and nodded to Sasha liked everything was right in the world. It wasn’t and even Skov knew that the minute he picked his head up his head from his phone as he walked over to sit with them. The blonde was staring at the back of Swan’s shaved head like it was an alien and in this social circle, it definitely was. Especially after yesterday.

Kavinsky was not going to be happy.

“Hey, guys,” Skov said once he reached them, setting his bag on the floor and taking a nervous seat beside Swan. “Uh, hey…?”

“Swan,” the boy answered with a bright smile in Skov’s direction. “Totally cool that you forgot, prodigy boy.”

With a blush and a mumble, Skov turned his focus on taking out his food and eating. Sasha wasn’t a fan of Swan sitting with them but how exactly could he make him not? “So what brings you around?”

Swan shrugged as he took a bite of his sandwich and replied “Nothing. Told Jiang yesterday that I’d like to hang around once in a while. Today was one of those moments. Problem?”

He had to admit that he was surprised that Skov actually looked irritated. Out of everyone, Skov was the one who enjoyed hanging around lots of people so for him to be annoyed that Swan wanted to be around was weird. “You can’t just hang around because you feel like. You gotta pass a test.”

Choking on his juice and laughing, Swan snorted “Fuck that. A test? Who does Kavinsky think he is exactly? ‘Oh, you must pass a test before proceeding.’” The last bit was said in the worst Jersey accent that Sasha had ever heard in his life. And he’d heard a lot. “Why the fuck you guys listen to him, man? What the hell is the matter with y’all?”

“Nothing. They just know that I don’t waste my time hanging around with dipshits who aren’t willing to have some fun.”

They turned their heads to the side and watched as Kavinsky came up to the table and dropped his bag upon it, his signature smirk back on his face. He definitely looked far better than he had when Sasha had gone over yesterday. Talking of elves and dwarves and of magical places while getting drunk had to have been the best medicine anyone could have ever given Kavinsky because, damn, he seemed much better.

Sasha, of course, knew that it just meant he was once again able to wear his armor, not that he was actually doing better.

He couldn’t help but wonder if Mr. Cat had gotten a cleaning.

Kavinsky didn’t bother sitting as he glared at Swan. “You wanna hang around? Fine, but just like they did something to amuse my very finicky mind, so do you, bitch boy. You down?”

Just from the fact that he had said ‘bitch boy’ and that he knew that Kavinsky didn’t like Swan one bit, Sasha had a feeling he knew what was in store for Swan. Swan wasn’t even amusing or mildly interesting to Kavinsky, he knew, so he’d have to earn his keep. Respect wouldn’t come for a very long time. “You down?” Sasha repeated because Swan was lost wherever and hadn’t answered. Proko would back up Kavinsky a hundred percent on this one. Nothing going on the disapproves list today.

Taking one last moment to consider as he glanced around at them, Swan finally nodded slowly and answered “Yeah, I’m down. Bring it on. What is this, hazing? Fine, bring it.”

Cackling laughter that Sasha had learned was not Joseph’s laugh at all erupted from Kavinsky. “Princess, this isn’t hazing at all. No, no.”

“Oh? Then what does the mighty Kavinsky call it?”

With a flourishing smirk and a wink, Kavinsky revealed “Amusing. Because that’s all any of you are here for.”

Sasha resented being turned into an object just for use but for once, he refrained from voicing his disapproval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	67. Chapter 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> It's so weird knowing that I'm not going back to school with everyone in a couple weeks. Strange as hell  
> Hope y'all are enjoying. Me and my very awesome beta think I'm on point with the dream pack characterizations but what do you guys think?
> 
> Anyways, enjoy. FYI, I may move us up to three updates a week soon. Stay tuned for that news
> 
> _"You smell like you haven’t showered in days and that’s just gross.”_

“And what exactly are you going to do with that?” Atanas asked as he walked over, Joseph having heard his footsteps coming up behind him. Atanas was a staple in his dreams lately, always trying to get Joseph onto the ‘straight road’ or whatever. Joseph wished the fucker would just teach him something instead but the older man always refused.

“Don’t know yet,” Joseph replied as he looked over the gun he had dreamed up. It was just a regular black Glock but being that he’d never held a gun except the once when he had ruined his life, Joseph found it fascinating. “Just kind of looking at the moment.”

“You confound me, child.”

“That’s nice.”

Shaking his head in irritation but the lower level kind where it wasn’t enough for a person to actually be annoyed, Atanas sighed “Instead of being smart and doing something worthwhile, you dream up this garbage just so you can do garbage things. What did you get out of smashing mailboxes exactly?”

Unwittingly, a smile grew on Joseph’s face as he remembered only a few days ago when he, Proko, and Skov had gone around smashing mailboxes. It was _thee_ thing that was always shown in movies and they had decided that they had to try their hands at it. The experience had definitely been worth it just from the fun alone.

“Or how about putting the plastic on the toilets in school?” Atanas asked in disgust while shaking his head, “Why are youth so ridiculously stupid?”

Now that had been beyond fucking hilarious. It had been Skov’s idea and they all had approved. There were ten bathrooms on campus not counting the four faculty ones – which didn’t include the women faculty – and of course the dorm bathrooms. They had decided to hit just the school and faculty bathrooms, laying out clear plastic wrap under the toilet seats. It was one of the oldest games in the book but it didn’t make it any less amusing.

The bathrooms had been divvied up and they all had to cover a certain amount of toilets. Unluckily for Swan, he’d been caught covering up the very last bathroom which was one of the faculty ones. He hadn’t sold them out which made Joseph like him just a bit and, luckily, the staff hadn’t been able to get all the plastic off the toilets before students had started using them.

Joseph still genuinely hated Swan, that hadn’t changed. The bitch had played his role as bitch boy for a day very well so he had technically passed his test but it didn’t mean Joseph enjoyed having him around at all. On the contrary, Swan being around just made him angrier than he usually was.

“C’mon, Atanas,” Joseph snorted as he stood, gun still in hand, “You were a youth once. Where’s your funny bone? Don’t be all prickly and boring.”

“All you are doing is playing stupid.”

He shrugged. Did it look like he fucking cared? “So?”

With a sigh and a shake of his head, Atanas murmured “Dear boy, I’m trying to help you.”

Oh damn, had he heard that one before. “Fuck you,” he sang as he walked off to where there was a trunk of a tree. With just a bit of drugged up thought, he suddenly had bottles strewn on the floor. Picking them up, Joseph set them on the trunk and walked back until he was at the distance from which he used to throw baseballs.

Atanas had followed and was standing behind him. “More stupidity I see?”

“Hey, so, you’re already dead, right?” Joseph asked as he clicked off the safety and raised the gun, pointing it at the bottles, “So if I shoot you-”

“You’d be very stupid to do so and would regret it immensely,” Atanas said stiffly but firmly. “And while you are incredibly stupid, I doubt that you want to add more regrets to your list, hm?”

“Low blow,” he muttered as he squinted then unsquinted an eye. How in the fuck did people aim this thing? It so was not as easy as it seemed. Taking in a deep breath, Joseph tightened his finger on the trigger, thinking that he was aiming at the very last bottle on the left.

How wrong he was.

“Fuck, that kinda hurts,” Joseph said as he stared at the gun in his hand and his wrist in amazement. The recoil was a fucking bitch. And this was only a pistol; it must be extreme with something like a shotgun or a sniper rifle. “Are they normally this loud? Fuck, how in the hell does Mr. Vidal go around shooting this thing? Or Ivo?” Turning around to ask Atanas a question, Joseph said “Hey do you-” Fucking bastard. Where’d he go? “Right. Just leave. Typical.”

Wasn’t it though?

 

 

“Goddammit, you two!” Proko snapped in frustration as he yanked Kavinsky off of Swan. Prokopenko must be reaching his bullshit limit because he wasn’t much of a yeller. “Can you guys just fucking not for fucking sakes?” Pushing Kavinsky back, he jammed a finger into his chest, “The fuck is your problem lately?”

“I don’t like him,” Kavinsky all but hissed with his fists clenched at his sides. He had flown at Swan when the stupid bitch had laughed and said that he had so much daddy issues that why didn’t he go find himself a daddy to give him what he needed? “I fucking despise him and his whole entire fucking existence.”

Sighing, Prokopenko clenched his nose tight as he shut his eyes. He took a minute to calm his temper before his hand was removed and his eyes opened. The sparkling hazels were literally the only thing that made Proko kind of attractive. Everything else was a turn off for Kavinsky.

If he went that way, of course.

Crossing his arms, Proko said in an exasperated voice “Look, I know you don’t like him but my muscles and bones are tired of ripping you off him so stop.”

“That’s the best you got?” Kavinsky laughed as he flexed his fingers to ease the cramping pain in them. “Pathetic.”

“I could punch you if that’s what you prefer.”

Honestly, it didn’t matter. There wouldn’t come a day where Kavinsky wouldn’t have the urge to beat Swan’s head in. Glancing around Proko’s big ass head, he caught eyes with a newly bruised Swan. “You okay, bitch boy?”

_“Swan, get me a juice,” Kavinsky smiled to his bitch for the day as they took a seat in the lunch room. Aglionby was too fancy to say cafeteria._

_Swan shrugged and Kavinsky didn’t blame him because it was the least demeaning thing in the world but no one ever said that Kavinsky was done. Hell, he hadn’t even started. He was going to lower this bitch so bad; he’d be worse off than Alan had ever been. Kavinsky was never going to let Swan feel superior to him again._

_When Swan came back, he held out an apple juice. Good choice but Kavinsky wasn’t going to be accommodating. “No, stupid bitch, not that one. Go back and get fruit juice. And I expect the straw to be put in but in front of me. I don’t plan on letting you do something to my food while I’m not looking.”_

_So far, Swan only looked annoyed._

_No worries, plenty of time still._

“Watch yourself, Kavinsky,” Swan snapped. He was still entirely sensitive about the humiliation he had suffered at Kavinsky’s hands.

Especially after he had posted a few videos and pictures online.

Social media had never been something he had planned on creating but inspiration had hit a few months ago because of all the dangerous stupid stuff he, Prokopenko, and Skov got up to. It had just been begging to be shared. So in that moment of inspiration, an Instagram had been created with simply ‘Kavinsky’ as the name and his finger flipping off the camera as his picture. It had steady updates of their stupidity. Then Skov had gotten his hands on a freaking Nikon from God knew where and decided that he was going to take a shit ton of pictures of everyone and everything. The pictures and videos that had been posted ranged from pranks to selfies to car porn.

He wasn’t exactly a fan and didn’t really take an active role in his own page but he let Skov go with whatever he liked because he seemed to be enjoying himself. Kavinsky, on the other hand, didn’t really care. Or, he hadn’t up until it came time for Swan’s bitch status.

Then he very actively posted stuff himself with the help of Skov.

Kavinsky tried to walk around Proko but the other Slav wouldn’t let him pass. Giving him a nasty glare but remaining in place, he hissed to Swan “Bitch, why don’t you just fuck off, yeah? No one wants you here. Just like your last two foster families didn’t want you. This one probably doesn’t either or else why the fuck did they ship your ass here, huh?”

Swan was literally bristling which Kavinsky had easily anticipated from how sensitive the topic was. Fucking good, man. He was beyond fucking sick of this bitch. They got into fights literally every couple days. Why hang around someone you don’t want to be around?

“Low, K,” Skov said with such an angry voice that Kavinsky wouldn’t be surprised if the little blonde came flying at him. Skov didn’t fight but he did like spending time learning from Jiang so Kavinsky had no doubt that the kid would be able to throw some good hits. “What the hell, man.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” Swan said as he shoved Jiang and then Proko to the side so he could get face to face with Kavinsky. His lips were formed in a nasty snarl and his eyes screamed murder. “But don’t act like you’re any better. Daddy mobster doesn’t want you and he’s actually your dad. Speaks more than some people who took me for the money, don’t you think? You’re so fucking worthless that your mother has to get high to just put up with you. ‘Oh, no! Joseph’s home! Snort, snort, snort! Snorting party!’ Your plastic Jersey whore mother can’t even deal with you. How sad is it when trash won’t even put up with trash?”

Silence descended between them all. Skov’s eyes were huge as he stood behind Swan and even Jiang beside the Skov had eyes of saucers. Kavinsky’s brain was still trying to process the fact that Swan just said all the bullshit that he just said. “The fuck did you say to me?”

There was a smirk on his face, more pronounced than ever because of his big mouth and lips, and a mean glint glowing in those dark browns of his. “I said that your worthless ass isn’t even worth anything to the worthless plastic Jersey whore who’s your mother.”

His hand itched for a weapon, something more than just his fists, as sirens of fury sounded off in his head. This piece of shit dared to talk shit about the most amazing woman in the world? He God fucking dared? “Yeah, see that’s what I thought I heard, Finlay. I hope you like dying.”

Swan rolled his eyes and laughed like he thought there was nothing to Kavinsky’s threat. He could tell from the other guys’ faces that they didn’t believe he’d do anything more than a few blows either.

Well, shame on them. They obviously didn’t know him at all.

“What are you gonna do?” Swan laughed. “You fight for shit and are scrawny as fuck. Go ahead, come at me, Jersey.”

“Oh, I will,” Kavinsky smiled as he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his knife before flicking it open. Swan’s eyes flicked down to the noise and they widened just a little but he said nothing. Instead, he looked at Kavinsky and raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Challenge taken.

Slamming his closed fist which held the knife into Swan’s throat, Kavinsky then kneed his opponent in the balls causing Swan to drop while he was coughing and trying to remember how to breathe. With this open opportunity, Kavinsky dropped down atop the other boy, straddling his chest before he punched him a few times in the face. “You ever wanted a tattoo, Finlay?” Kavinsky asked as he cut away Swan’s shirt.

“Kavinsky,” Prokopenko said in warning. If he thought a simple ‘remember your humanity’ warning was going to do shit, then Proko didn’t know anything.

Spinning the knife between his fingers before setting the tip right above Swan’s heart, Kavinsky said “Now, if you want a good one, you gotta pay for the good stuff, y’know? Money gets you nice things, good service…and so on. But lucky you that you’re not going to have to pay shit, huh, bitch boy?”

He was still out of breath and lost in his pain beneath him, so all Swan did in response to his words was widen his eyes in a shocked panic. Kavinsky laughed when Swan tried to buck him off with little success. With the element of both fear and surprise on his side, Kavinsky knew that he had at least a minute before one of the other boys shook themselves awake enough to do something.

Good enough for him.

“I think,” he said as he trailed the knife around Swan’s chest, “that I should label you how people should know you, yeah? I’ve never had the best handwriting but I’m sure ‘bitch boy’ can’t be _that_ hard, right?”

“Dude, Kavinsky-”

“Shuttup, Jiang or you’re next,” Kavinsky murmured as he picked his perfect spot. Swan tried once more to lift himself but the minute he felt the tiniest movement in the body beneath him, Kavinsky slammed his fist into his face again to keep him down. “Don’t move now…”

Before he even pressed down enough to break the skin, someone slammed into him from the side making both him and his assailant roll to the side. The knife was still firmly in his hand and stayed that way up until he realized he was on top of Skov, holding a knife to the thirteen year old’s neck.

He wasn’t that fucking messed up.

“Fuck, Skov,” he snapped as he stabbed the knife down into the grass. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

There were tears in Skov’s eyes which were really entirely unnecessary but okay. “The fuck is wrong with you?” he replied, trying to sound completely in control of his emotions. “You can’t just…carve into someone! What’s wrong with you?”

He was about to snap a reply back but Prokopenko shoved him off before he had the chance. “Fucking, Proko,” he griped as he stared at his grass stained jeans. It was going to take forever to get the stains out. “I was gonna get off.”

“Just shut the fuck up for once in your fucking life!” Prokopenko shouted in fury as he towered over Kavinsky. He had to admit, he was genuinely surprised. Okay, so maybe Kavinsky was going to take the thing a little far but, Jesus, chill. “You’re such a fucking piece of shit, you know that!”

“Was that a question or a statement?”

Shaking his head in disbelief, he landed a kick into Kavinsky’s gut before settling down beside Skov and pulling him into a sitting position. “Lemme see.”

Coughing as he tried to ignore his screaming insides, Kavinsky dragged himself over to them to see what the fuck-

Fuck.

Okay, so…Skov was allowed to cry.

“Just a bleeder, not deep,” Prokopenko said in an encouraging voice as he checked out the slash going down Skov’s arm. “I doubt you’ll even need stitches. Kavinsky’s got a bandage roll in his trunk, which he’s going to go get, and I’ll wrap it up for you. Okay?”

Skov’s eyes were like the ocean in the number of tears stuck in there. Only had a few had tumbled out but they were there as they waited to break from the dam. “Okay. You sure?”

“Course I am,” Prokopenko smiled with reassurance. Turning to Kavinsky and losing the smile in a second with fury filling his face once more, he said “Go get the fucking bandages.”

Fuck, okay, so…he was actually feeling kind of bad as he watched the blood stream down Skov’s pale arm. Nodding slowly as he got to his feet but still entranced by the blood, he murmured “Yeah, yeah, no problem. My bad, Skov.”

“The fuck kind of apology is that?” Jiang snapped as he shoved Kavinsky. Hard. Hard to where he tumbled back to the floor because he still wasn’t all in his head. “How hard is it to just say that you’re sorry? Give us the bandages and fuck off!”

Getting up once more, Kavinsky met the eyes of no one as he jogged to his car and came back with his prize. He didn’t bother speaking or looking, just tossed the roll into Prokopenko’s lap before he turned around on his heels and left.

He knew when he wasn’t wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	68. Chapter 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I went to a wedding yesterday. What'd you guys do?
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"We’re all the stupidest fuckers alive, I swear to God.”_

In the days since he had hurt Skov, Kavinsky hadn’t left his house and barely even his room. He’d made his mother call in to tell the school that he was sick to cover that angle but other than that, he didn’t bother with anything. He felt guilty as fuck and yet he couldn’t bring himself to do something about it. Joseph had always sucked at apologies so why would Kavinsky be any better?

Kavinsky.

He was so sick of being Kavinsky.

But being Joseph was no better. So he was stuck in one of the biggest problems of a lifetime. He was just sick of existing all around, if he were honest.

He was tired.

Wow, who would have guessed.

With a sigh, he rolled over in his bed, making himself hang half in, half out as he stared at the floor. “The fuck is life, man…” He felt his phone vibrating against him, strewn somewhere in bed. No one ever texted or called from the guys except Prokopenko and occasionally Skov when he wanted to share something funny. For the past few days, his phone had been silent except for Ivo’s daily call.

Figuring that today was no different, he searched blindly with his hand behind himself, feeling around but finding nothing. “Fucking hell,” he mumbled, “I can fucking feel you vibrating, jackass.” Huffing when his hand yielded no results, Joseph rolled over and sat up, his phone sliding over to his hip. “Stupid fucker.”

He had missed the call but it wasn’t Ivo.

Or, it had been two hours ago but this one? This was someone else with a number he didn’t recognize.

Not until a message popped up saying who they were.

_I may or may not have done some magic voodoo to get this number. Love u, hope ur well. Pls talk_

_Andrey_

“Magic voodoo shit?” he muttered as stared down at the text, completely lost in a blast from the past. Andrey. Freaking Andrey texted him. His annoying stupid older cousin who he God fucking loved to pieces because he was just that much of an amazing person.

Joseph was at such a loss on what to do.

The easy thing was adding Andrey’s number. When his cousin had gotten a phone didn’t matter, it just mattered that Joseph had access to him. He’d never use the access but it didn’t mean that he didn’t want it. Just in case.

You never knew.

A minute later, another message popped in.

It looked like…someone’s stomach? “What the fuck, Andrey.” He didn’t need nor want some random stomach porn. Was he supposed to magically know whose stomach this was? It wasn’t Andrey’s, he knew that much, unless the dude had waxed or something. A second later brought another message.

_Ur the first person were telling. No one knows_

_I blame u for not giving me proper sex ed_

“What in the hell are we-” Another photo cut him off. This one was…

Was that a fucking ultrasound picture? Why would…

Oh fuck.

There was no stopping the huge smile that erupted on his face or the laughter that came out of Joseph as he laid down, staring up at his phone as he held it over his face. “Oh my fucking God. Andrey, you…” he cut himself off with another laugh. He was literally genuinely and honestly…happy.

It felt so good.

_Only three months, just found out few days ago_

_Were too terrified to say. Im thinking of telling tatko first. I think he’d take it better_

“I so fucking called it!” he laughed, resting his phone on his face as he shut his eyes and laughed even harder. Oh dear fucking God, did laughing feel so good. He missed this. “Eighteen and a baby. Such a fucking idiot. Aw man, tétka’s gonna kill you!”

Opening his eyes and lifting the phone to smile at the picture of his technically niece or nephew, Joseph had the itching to say something. At least a congratulations, right? He could manage that much. It wasn’t a phone call or anything, just a simple message of cheer.

With another ding announcing a message, Joseph sat up with a smile on his face as he looked at Andrey and Ivet smiling, their heads close, faces cheek to cheek. They were beautiful together. There was a small pang of jealousy in knowing that he’d never be beautiful with someone but he didn’t bother with that bitterness. He was too happy for them, too happy that someone had found happiness. It looked perfect on them.

_Hope u at least write if not call_

_Love u_

Scratching along his jaw as he tried to decide what to do, Joseph glanced up sharply when something hit his door followed by a muttered ‘ouch.’ He set his phone on his nightstand and was about to get up to see what his mother was up to but she beat him by walking in.

With…a smile?

A smile. Like a real fucking smile.

“I heard laughter and I’d like to share in said beautiful laughter,” his mother said with her bright beautiful smile as she bounced down beside him. Her eyes looked clearer than they had in a while with even her skin and hair looking better than they had. He must not have been paying attention for the past week because no one bounced back like that in the matter of a day. “Care to share?”

Tilting his head to take her in properly, Joseph asked carefully “How are you?”

Her smile grew wider as she pulled him into the most wonderfull hug he’d ever had in months. “I’m better. Better, baby, better.”

He couldn’t believe that he was crying but there were tears in his eyes just from those words. Hugging her tight, he whispered “Really?”

She placed a kiss on his head before saying “Really, sweetheart. I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m good forever but we all take baby steps, right?”

It’d been a little more than a month since he had texted Ivo, asking him to call her. He had never checked if he had or heard if he had but…maybe he really had? But that was a while ago so... “Umm…” he laughed shakily through his tears. Happy tears, very happy tears, as he clutched her close. “I missed you.”

His mother kissed him again and murmured “I’m so sorry, Joseph. I am, baby.” She rubbed his back soothingly and repeated “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay,” he laughed because he didn’t fucking care about before. She was here now and that was all that mattered to him. “We have to do something together. We haven’t done that in forever, mayko. Anything you want.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m the one who’s supposed to say that,” his mother snorted in amusement as she detached him but kept her hands on his shoulders. Dear Lord, her smile was gorgeous. “I’m thinking…Mickey D’s?”

Falling back into his bed with laughter while covering his face, Joseph said through his laughs “Best celebratory thing you could think of? McDonald’s?”

“Hey, hey! I love their food and don’t suddenly act all superior because you love it too.”

She most definitely wasn’t wrong. “So true.” Peering at her from between his fingers, he asked “How about I pick up the food and then we have it here? So it’s just you and me?” He wanted her all alone. He hadn’t actually had his mother in months and he didn’t want to share at all. “Okay?”

“Perfect,” she whispered before kissing his forehead after pushing his hands away. “But shower first. You smell like you haven’t showered in days and that’s just gross.”

Another thing she wasn’t wrong about. Joseph hadn’t had the will to get up and shower ever since shit had gone down with the guys. He had just been…too depressed. Which kind of pissed him off now that he thought about it because why should he let people have power over him like that?

Something to think about then.

“I actually haven’t so you aren’t wrong.”

“Ew. Get your ass up and in the shower.”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Joseph laughed as he bounced out of bed with an energy he hadn’t felt in so long. “Write your menu. Anything and everything you want.”

By the time he showered, figured out what they wanted, and gotten to McDonald’s, Joseph actually felt hungry. It wasn’t just bodily hunger, no, but hungry to have every second of his mother’s company as he could get.

He wanted it all.

As he waited for the worker to call his order, Joseph sat at an empty table in the corner and opened up the chat with Andrey. He stared at his cousin and Ivet for a few seconds before deciding to write. He could do it. Easy peasy.

_Congrats to both of u!_

Joseph paused for a second and realized how that exclamation point was so not him. Deleting it, he continued.

_Congrats to both of u. Im pretty sure I gave u the condom lesson at my tenth bday but ur memory must suck. U guys r gonna be young parents but if anyone can do it, its u two. Also, facial hair suits u and makes u look like ur bashtá kinda. Weird being that uve never looked like him before. Take care both of u and make sure u give her all her cravings and pampering or else she’ll kill u in a headlock, we all know it_

Looking over it for a minute, Joseph hit send and hoped for the best. As he read it over again, he decided to add more. It wasn’t like Joseph had talked to anyone recently anyways. He might as well use his good mood for a good cause.

_Im honored to get to know first so thanks_

_Love u both_

_Also I really need to know what voodoo shit u did to get this number_

_Pls, like seriously_

_And yeah, tell tetíncho first_

He got to his feet when his number was called to go get his food after shoving his phone into his pocket. Once he grabbed his food, he began his stroll out of Walmart, pulling out his phone because now he was desperately eager for Andrey to answer, only to slam into someone.

Typical him. Couldn’t he just keep his eyes up once in a while? Shoving his phone back away, he looked down at who he had knocked over.

Dammit.

Holding out a hand to help Skov up, which the other boy thankfully accepted, Joseph tried to line up a proper apology in his head while he still had his actual human being inside of himself. Even though Skov had taken the hand, the blonde didn’t say a word and just walked on as Joseph thought of what to say. When he noticed that Skov had walked off, Joseph turned and ran after him, planting himself in front of the shorter boy. “Hey.”

Skov had stopped and crossed his arms when Joseph cut him off and was now clenching his jaw, the muscle twitching. Joseph’s eyes sought out the wound he had caused and found it cleanly and properly bandaged. “Sasha does it for me,” Skov muttered reluctantly as though he had read the unspoken question on Joseph’s face.

Nodding slowly and taking a deep breath, Joseph said “Look, Blake, I’m sorry, man. I got caught up in my head and my anger and…I’m sorry.”

That sounded nice, right? It’d been years since he’d done this.

His phone vibrated with a message and his fingers were itching to take it out and see what Andrey had written but Joseph forced himself to stand still as Skov thought over his words. Eventually, Skov said “You were going to _carve_ _into_ _Swan’s chest_. _Carve_ , Kavinsky. That’s fucking fucked, man.”

His hand tightened on the bags of food which hopefully wouldn’t get cold in the span of this conversation.

Fuck.

Joseph forgot the drinks.

Okay, so he’d just go back after this.

“It’s…fucking fucked,” he conceded because, yeah, it was. Sadistic maybe. “I’ll admit that. However…Swan talked shit he shouldn’t have-”

“So did you!” Skov shouted as he threw his hands up in frustration. When he noticed the people around them giving them looks, he lowered his voice. “For God’s sake, who makes fun of a guy who’s been in the system? What’s wrong with you?”

His guilt was starting to turn towards annoyance. “Well, who the hell talks shit about someone’s mother like that? That was crossing a line, especially when it’s about my mother. About the only God fucking person I have in my life. She’s my everything and, yeah, she might be mess right now, but…” tears of frustration and pain clogged his eyes and invaded his voice. He hated that he was about to crack but at least Skov wasn’t the worst person to see his pain. “But she’s mine and I love her. She’s perfect; she just…needs a little help right now. And none of you fuckers get to judge her for that.”

Joseph had no idea how it’d gotten around that his mother was a mess but it had and he’d never hated a rumor so much in his life. Especially because it was pretty much truth. He hated the fact that they felt like they could judge such a beautiful person when they had no idea what they were actually like when life wasn’t fucking with them.

The minute he had caught on to the tears, Skov’s entire demeanor changed into something softer. Uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands in his pockets, he said “You’re right; he had no right to say what he did. Neither did you but…maybe his words were just that much harsher. I’m sorry he said those things.”

“Don’t fucking apologize for him,” Joseph muttered as he wiped his stupid eyes.

With a sigh, Skov murmured “Apology accepted and appreciated. Look, me and the guys are planning on hanging out tonight. You in?”

As much as he needed to reestablish ties with his boys, Joseph wouldn’t give up a minute with his mother for anyone at all. “Sorry, can’t,” he raised the McDonald’s bags, “Me and my mom are gonna hang out together and do stuff.” Joseph had no idea what they’d do but he’d think of something fun. Maybe they’d go swimming? She could use some fresh air and exercise. It wasn’t exactly swimming weather but…maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

He’d think on it.

A smile beamed on Skov’s face like Joseph hanging out with his mother was the most amazing wonderful thing he’d ever heard. “Oh, that’s cool. Yeah, do that. Have fun. See you tomorrow then?”

Smiling himself because this day was turning out pretty damn nice, Joseph replied “Yeah, tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

She felt…good. Better. That hadn’t been a lie and, God, was she so proud of herself that it wasn’t. She smiled at Joseph as she watched him cutting off the gross parts of a banana and drop the rest into the blender. He’d insisted that she needed fattening – hypocritical much? – and decided that he was going to make her a milkshake.

“Mayko, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

Pausing for a moment as he focused on cutting strawberries, Joseph set the knife down and turned to fully face her. “Have you talked to Ivo recently?”

It was a surprising question. Joseph never asked about his father, never cared to ask, or simply acted like he never cared, so for him to wonder?

Weird.

Setting her chin in her hand while resting her elbow on the island where she sat on a stool, Vesela considered how much to tell him. Tell him that his father hadn’t bothered to call for two months? That she must have become utterly worthless in his eyes since her downfall? Or tell him that he started calling every day again, texting every hour, sometimes to tell her how much he loved her or little things like reminders to eat and drink?

Something had changed but she wasn’t sure what. Ivo had suddenly decided that she was everything to him again and while that made her whole world light up, she’d admit that she was curious as to why. But did it really matter? His constant reminders and long distant care were what were keeping her afloat right now. Keeping her on a relatively healthy path. Making her feel good and more clear-headed than she had been in months.

Made her make her baby smile again.

Whatever had changed Ivo’s mind, his steady presence had given her some life again.

“Calls and texts every day,” she answered, unable to keep her giddy smile off her face, “Why?”

Joseph’s face lit up. He didn’t smile, no, but his eyes glowed in relief at her words. Did he know something she didn’t? But how could he when he hadn’t spoken to Ivo in years? Dear God, had they really been gone for that long? Some days, it only felt like they had a beautiful life yesterday.

And some days it felt like it’d been decades ago.

“Oh, that’s good.” He turned back to cutting strawberries and dropping them in the blender. “Real good.”

Vesela watched as he added milk, ice cream, and ice before he turned on the blender. When was the last time they were like this? Had to be months.

She prayed that her moment of clarity and his ray of sunshine would even make a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	69. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“If you don’t, I’ll call Skov and we both know how he is when he wants to take care of someone.”_

Kavinsky tossed the ball up and down as he waited for the guys to show up. They were meeting up at the fairgrounds and _supposedly_ – according to Skov – he and Swan were supposed to make up or some bullshit like that.

Bullshit.

Like he said.

He’d seen the guys at school yesterday and it’d gone alright but nothing chummy chummy. Jiang wasn’t willing to put out if Kavinsky didn’t make nice with Swan which was utter bullshit and Skov wasn’t willing either which had shocked him to no ends. Sure, he understood that Jiang just liked being an ass but what was up with Skov? Why did he care about Swan so much exactly? Kavinsky had known him first, not the other way around.

Fucking Skov.

Proko was pissed only on Skov’s behalf so once he made nice with Skov, Prokopenko would make nice too. Maybe if Kavinsky had made the effort yesterday instead of blowing them off again for his mother, there’d be less hurt feelings. But having the opportunity to be with his mother was something he missed so bad that he wouldn’t trade the time with her for anything in the world.

Anyways, he was Kavinsky. The guys wouldn’t be who they were without him.

They needed him.

While he was Kavinsky outside, at home, for now at least, he felt like Joseph again. It felt good and relishing and just all around bombass. Even in his dreams, Atanas had noticed a difference to where he asked if Joseph had found himself a new drug that created genuine happiness.

Cute, his great-grandfather.

He watched as the guys pulled up; Jiang in his Supra, Proko and Skov in Prokopenko’s Golf, and, fucking ironically, Swan in his own Golf. Catching the ball one last time, he leaned up on his car as he watched them get out. “Gentlemen.”

Swan spoke up first as he got right up in Kavinsky’s face. For someone who wanted to make nice, he sure was taking the intimidation route, wasn’t he? “I believe you’re supposed to be on your knees.”

“Excuse me?”

“Swan,” Skov sighed in exasperation as he crossed his arms and shook his head. He was standing beside Jiang next to the Supra. Prokopenko was literally just sitting on his Golf…it looked like doing his homework. Wow, that guy.

Damn, Kavinsky liked him a little too much.

Smirking with those full lips that for some stupid ass reason made Kavinsky think of kissing, Swan repeated “You’re supposed to be on your knees.”

Oh, this fucking bitch. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who had you on your knees, princess. Or did you forget already?”

_“What are you doing?” Kavinsky laughed as Swan took a seat beside Jiang as they all sat in Nino’s. Prokopenko had a pizza craving that needed to be satisfied._

_Swan stared at him in confusion. “Sitting. What does it fucking look like?”_

_“Stupid bitch,” Kavinsky said with a huge smile on his face which only furthered Swan’s fury, “Bitches don’t sit at the table!” Tapping a spot on the floor beside his feet, he added “They wait on their knees by their lord.”_

He’d already anticipated that Swan would try and punch him so Kavinsky was able to move just in time before the swing landed. What he hadn’t planned on, which, really, he should have, was Swan jamming a knee into his balls and thrusting him up against his Evo. The other boy was way way way way way too close to Kavinsky’s body.

Space. Joseph needed space. Now. Right the God fucking now. Like literally, that was the only important thing at the moment. Who gave a fuck if his dick and balls were getting smashed to oblivion. The pain was nothing compared to the horror.

“Listen up, you fucking piece of shit,” Swan snarled in his ear. Every part of them was touching and it was just too too close. Joseph needed _space._ “You’re not untouchable. You’re not anything special-”

“Space,” Joseph heaved out, his breaths turning shorter by the second. Space, space, space, space, space.

“What?” Swan asked in confusion, his thoughts entirely cut off as he backed his face up just enough so he could look at Kavinsky properly. “What’d you say?”

His stomach was brewing and any moment now, it was going to God fucking erupt. “Space,” he repeated in a whisper. Joseph couldn’t manage more than that; not with Swan pressed up on him like this. _Cornering_ him like he was just an object to be used and abused.

Space.

Now.

Please.

“Space?” Swan asked, his head tilting in his lack of understanding where Joseph’s mind had gone. “What do you mean space?”

In his conscious mind, Joseph knew that nothing was going to happen. He knew that. But the rest of his head was having a freaking freak out party and screaming ‘RAPE’ with every fiber of its being. He now had two problems. One was that, obviously, his mind was being irrational. Two was that his stomach was connected to the irrationality.

So he threw up.

All over Swan.

“You fucking bitch!” Swan shouted as he let go and backed away violently. He was quite literally covered in vomit from head to toe with it dripping down onto the floor. Joseph slipped down to his knees – oh, irony, you bitch – and heaved before dropping down to his hands and throwing up again. It was barely anything, everything having been aimed at Swan, but it was no less painful to his system. “You sick fucking fuck!”

Joseph actually wanted to say sorry because he really hadn’t meant it but his words weren’t quite up to par right now. Nobody moved until Proko slowly slid off his car and walked over to Joseph, slipping off his shirt and handing it over once he reached him. It was like fucking déjà vu except Joseph trusted Proko. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Joseph heaved as he took the shirt and slowly sat up, wiping his face after he did. Ugh, he needed a shower now. Flicking a glance over to Swan who now was using Skov’s sweater to wipe himself as best as he could, he said “Sorry.”

Swan’s hands froze as he glared at Kavinsky. Besides Prokopenko, Joseph knew that no one could tell that his armor had fallen. “Sorry? You fucking piece of shit, you fucking puked on me and you’re saying sorry?”

Well, yeah, that was the nice person thing to do wasn’t it? Finding his breath as his stomach relaxed its constrictions, Joseph asked “Should I offer to pay for your dry cleaning instead? I’m sorry. I don’t intentionally go around throwing up on people, you know. Plus, I kinda warned you.”

Throwing Skov’s sweater down onto the dirt viciously – causing Skov to make a face because apparently dirt was worse than puke – Swan walked over to him and Proko. “Warned? The fuck is ‘space’ supposed to even mean?”

“Do you want the dictionary definition?”

A smile grew on Proko’s face but he said nothing as Swan hissed “You have some God fucking nerve, bitch.”

Finding his vigor again now that he wasn’t being cornered by a mass of man, Kavinsky laughed “Dear God, are we going to repeat the entire conversation again? You’re the bitch; stop trying to erase the past, dear.”

“Just stop, you guys,” Skov snapped, a fire blazing in his eyes, “For God’s sake, can’t you guys just…” he threw his hands up in his frustration, “I don’t know! Act decent to each other once in a while? Is it so hard?”

“Yes,” both he and Swan answered in unison. Glancing to one another, they blinked as though they were reflections and then smiled. Okay, so maybe… “Still yes,” they both laughed.

“You’re all idiots,” Jiang snorted, still standing beside his Supra without any intentions of moving. “Just plain old idiots.”

“Hey, man,” Kavinsky pointed out, “You’re the one who streaked for two miles and then dined while naked. Not us.”

Swan’s eyes went wide. Apparently, Jiang was willing to share everyone’s humiliating tales except his own. “You what?”

“It was his test,” Skov chimed in helpfully as he bounced over. They could all feel the diffusion of tension in the air.

Maybe throwing up had been the best idea yet.

Snorting in a fit of laughter, Swan said “Seriously? Holy fuck, dude, and you agreed? We’re all the stupidest fuckers alive, I swear to God.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Prokopenko muttered as he planted down beside Kavinsky. Honestly, out of all the guys, Proko had gotten the best draw of the card. Kavinsky hadn’t asked him to do a single thing. He’d liked him right off the bat. Turning to look at him with his nose scrunched up in disgust, Proko added “Dude, you smell gross.”

Kavinsky blinked at the idiot before him. “ _Dude_ , I literally just threw up everything I ate today. I don’t know if you noticed or not.”

“Did you?” Swan asked in mock surprise, “Oh no! I would’ve never noticed!”

They all laughed while Prokopenko rolled his eyes. “Assholes,” he muttered.

 

 

“I still don’t understand what it is that you get from such stupidity.”

“Atanas, please fuck off,” Joseph murmured as he aimed at the bottles that he lined up every night to do his target practice. The past few days, Joseph had been doing so well that he thought about taking out his gun with him to show off to the guys. He’d be committing a felony by possessing a weapon without a permit but, really, who was going to arrest him? For that matter, how would the police even find out?

And for that that matter, Joseph had already committed large amounts of felonies with his constant forgeries sooo…

“Manners,” Atanas said sternly from where he stood behind Joseph. “You’d rather waste your time with this instead of-”

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” he interrupted as he fired, emptying the clip into the bottles. He’d gotten them all except two. “Again, please fuck off.”

“You do realize that the minute I fuck off, your mind is your own again, yes?”

That…sounded slightly…ominous? No, that wasn’t quite the word he was searching for… Turning to face his prádyádo as he lowered the gun to his side, he asked “What do you mean? I thought this stupid fucking forest is me?”

Shaking his head and seemingly fading, Atanas snorted “Dear Lord, you will truly never get it, will you? But there’s only so much disrespect one can take and I’ve reached my limit for quite a while. You want me to fuck off? Fine, I’ll do so, Joseph. You’ve been enjoying the forest once more, enjoying the peace and rest it brings you. It only can bring it on certain conditions.”

“Like…?”

With a huff and another small shake of his head, Atanas said “Maybe one day you’ll come to understand. You had the makings of a powerful greywarren as a child. Now? Now you’re nothing more than a disgusting thief in a world in which it reeks of self hatred.”

Greywhat? “What’s a- hey, hey!” he shouted as Atanas and the forest began to fade from sight, “We’re still-”

“Talking here,” he muttered once he blinked his eyes open, finding nothing but the dim gloom of his room faintly lit by the light of his bathroom that peeked out of the crack of the slightly closed door. No Atanas. No forest.

Lovely.

“Why can’t anyone just speak plainly,” Joseph sighed, about to rub his face as though it’d wipe away his confusion but stopping when he realized his hand was curled around a heavy weight.

The gun.

Lifting it so he could stare right and properly, Joseph examined the piece in his hand. It’d come out exactly as it had looked in the dream. Now the important question was…

If it worked just as well.

 

* * *

 

Blake liked Kavinsky; he really did.

But then there were days like today.

Then Blake didn’t like him as much anymore.

In all honesty, it was days like these that made him _fear_ Kavinsky. Like, was it normal for teenage boys to be like this? He didn’t think so because who in the world showed up with a gun?

A gun. Literally.

“No way you can hit shit,” Jiang laughed because he had to be thinking like Blake. “As if you can actually shoot a gun. Look, I know you think you’re all badass and shit but that’s a fucking gun. A real one and there’s no way you know what you’re doing.”

There was no way, he totally agreed. Which kind of scared him more because what if one of them accidently got shot?

What if _he_ got shot? Oh God.

Grating his lip between his teeth which was a trait he had noticed that he shared with Kavinsky when the other boy was nervous – Blake was sure nobody could read Kavinsky like him – he took a measured breath before speaking. He didn’t want the other boys to know that he was worried. “Maybe-”

“Stop being bitches,” Kavinsky interrupted as he finished setting up the glass bottles atop a crate. He had this cocky smile on his face like he knew something that they all didn’t. And really, he probably did. He always seemed to.

Always.

Kavinsky pointed at him. With the gun. Indirectly like he forgot it was in his hand and was just pointing for the hell of it but fucking still. “Skov-”

“Don’t point that thing at me, you fucking idiot!” he practically shouted. His voice raised but it wasn’t a shout. Or maybe he just wasn’t good at shouting. But you didn’t go around pointing _a God fucking gun_ at someone. “Are you out of your mind!” he paused and laughed at his stupidity, “Actually, yes, you are. Who am I kidding?”

The other boy was literally just standing there blinking at him, the gun back down at his side. Kavinsky glanced at the weapon in his hand before saying “The safety is on and I wasn’t actually-”

“Doesn’t matter,” Blake interrupted, his heart still beating fifty thousand miles a minute. For fuck’s sake, he was in the premise of a real life gun. Oh God, he was so stupid. It was just like his stupid older brothers would always say; he may be smart academically but he sucked in everything else. The only one who had never told him that was Liam and that was because Blake’s mother wouldn’t let them talk to one another. Unlike his other brother’s, it bothered Blake because he wanted to know what Liam was like. But besides for manage a few secret phone calls, Blake hadn’t figured out how to speak with his brother without her knowing.

She was a very perceptive woman. It was slightly terrifying how she was always aware of everything Blake did. Surprisingly, she hadn’t caught on to the fact that he hung out with Kavinsky. Thank God. She’d just point out how much of an idiot he was. And that had to have some truth to it. Why else would he be dumb enough to be around a guy with a gun? Loaded too. “Just…no.”

Nodding slowly but having that stupid smile growing on his face, Kavinsky shrugged as he continued his walk away from the box. When he was satisfied with the distance, he stopped and spun around on his heels to face the bottles. “All I was going to say,” Kavinsky laughed as he clicked off the safety on the gun, “was turn on your fucking camera. If anything is worth putting up, it’s this.”

His camera. Right. Okay. “Yeah…uh, yeah.”

“Jesus,” Swan snorted in amusement as he bumped Blake with his shoulder – rather, tried too but Blake wasn’t tall enough for a proper bump – “Don’t have a freaking panic attack. It’s just a gun.”

Why did no one get it? Who did they all think they were exactly? “I hate to break it to you all but news flash.”

“Let’s hear it,” Jiang sighed because Blake did his ‘news flash’ segment at least once a day to the annoyance of everyone.

Except Kavinsky. He loved it.

“Oh, oh, go,” Kavinsky said with that freaky maniacal smile on his face, “What’s my news for the day?”

“We shouldn’t be touching guns,” Blake announced with a flourish. “Fuck, we shouldn’t even _look_ at them. A gun can kill you in seconds. It’s not a toy and it’s not a joke.”

By the time he finished his segment, Jiang and Swan were just rolling their eyes. Sasha never made fun of him no matter what so he was just sitting on the hood of Jiang’s Supra smoking a blunt and looking bored.

Typical Sasha, damn him.

But…it was Kavinsky’s reaction that was throwing him off. The smile had dropped off and his entire face looked…vulnerable. Open. He was blinking at Blake like he didn’t know who he was, his entire vigor having disappeared into the abyss. Scrunching his eyebrows down and his mouth going into a tilted frown, Kavinsky said “What’d you say?”

“Uh…” Blake trailed, trying to figure out where exactly the conversation had gone. He didn’t want to piss off Kavinsky because that never went well for anyone. Especially now because, hello, gun. “Do…you want me to repeat-”

“Yes.”

Thinking over his words, both to make sure he said it exactly the same and to try to figure out what the fuck was wrong, Blake repeated “We shouldn’t be touching guns. Fuck, we shouldn’t even look at them. A gun can kill you in seconds. It’s not a toy and it’s not a joke.” There was no flourish this time, the segment having been ruined. “What’s wrong?”

Kavinsky was still blinking like he couldn’t comprehend what had been said. Everyone was staring at him with funny looks on their faces although Sasha just looked concerned. Kavinsky had issues, they all knew it but ignored for both his sake and their own, so maybe…this had to do with something?

Shaking his head viciously, a sudden fire blazed in Kavinsky’s eyes. “Don’t _ever_ fucking say that again. Got it? Just don’t put those words together into those specific sentences. Okay?”

“Um, yeah, okay.” The fuck?

He didn’t seem convinced and the muscle of his jaw was ticking as he grinded his teeth, but Kavinsky said no more about it. He focused back on his gun and said “Turn your fucking camera on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	70. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> A crocheted a cat that's a banana. I call it Banana Cat
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“You like hitting where it hurts, well, I can fucking do that too.”_

“Fifty against,” Prokopenko snorted with an eyeroll like he didn’t believe that Kavinsky could do it.

This fool.

“Wow,” Kavinsky laughed as he cocked the gun and lifted it to aim at the bottles. “Have a little faith, Sasha. Or did you leave it all in church? Grandma would be disappointed.”

He didn’t need to turn his gaze towards Proko to know that he was bristling with fury. If you wanted to piss off Prokopenko, there were only a few ways to do it. Bringing up his grandmother was one of them. And after his slip with Skov’s news flash, Kavinsky needed to take back the control of the group.

Too bad for Prokopenko that the bullet was striking him.

“Fuck you,” Prokopenko snapped. One of these days, Kavinsky swore that the other boy would end up losing it with him. Proko wasn’t a fighter, had admitted to that before, but from how much Kavinsky drove him insane, he wouldn’t be surprised if he came for him one of these days.

“Ew, don’t be a fag. That’s nasty.” Fuck, Jiang wasn’t going to jump him right now, was he? Kavinsky refrained from turning to look over at him. If Kavinsky acted all nervous about it, then he just might do it on purpose.

Proko was on the very end of his rope now. Kavinsky had forgotten that his fellow Slav didn’t like homophobic comments either. He’d yet to figure out why though because Kavinsky knew for a fact that Prokopenko was straight. “Just fucking shoot before I beat your head in.”

“Alright, alright,” he sighed. “No fun, bitches.” He flicked a quick glance to Skov and his camera. “You recording?” Skov nodded. “Alright, cool. I’m about to become fifty bucks richer.” Steadying his hand carefully, Kavinsky focused on the bottles before him and fired off the entire clip at the nine bottles.

Not missing a single damn one.

Silence followed his show. Not one of the boys spoke while Joseph tried to subtly shake off the ringing in his ears and the tingling in his wrist. He didn’t want them to notice that he wasn’t as smooth as he was trying to show off being. When the silence continued as he clicked the safety back on even though the gun was empty, Kavinsky turned and smiled over to their dumbfounded faces. Holding the muzzle of the gun up to his mouth, he blew on it and said “Faith.”

Skov’s finger clicked off the camera as he slowly lowered it down. His face literally looked horrified. “How do you know how to do that.”

Kavinsky shrugged as he shoved the gun into the back of his waistband. His pants were always loose, even with a belt, but the thickness of the gun was enough to fill what his weight was lacking. “I just do. I have to admit, I was expecting you guys to look a little more impressed than you are.”

“You shot a gun. Multiple times. Pretty much perfectly.”

“Okay.”

His head was shaking slowly as he said “You shouldn’t be able to do that.”

Jiang was scratching his head as he listened. He didn’t look scared like Skov or worriedly surprised like Prokopenko but he did look a bit thrown off by the display. “I’m all for being badass and whatever the fuck but I gotta agree with Skov, man. What the fucking fucks? You didn’t miss a single one.”

“Mobster daddy teach you or something?” Swan asked curiously. Unlike the other three boys, Swan seemed carefully interested like he’d want to have a try himself.

Kavinsky couldn’t help the snort that erupted from him. As if. Ivo would _never_ teach him how to use a gun. Hello, Skov’s news flash? Literally almost verbatim of what Ivo had said to him all those years ago. Never in a million fucking years would Ivo let him touch a gun. “Yeah, okay. In my fucking dreams, man.”

In reality, Joseph’s dreams were much more wholesome than just getting to touch a stupid gun. If his dreams included Ivo, they were full of forgiveness and acceptance and wishes that would never come true.

“So curious question,” Swan said as he leaned back on his Golf. Swan was a big dude, as tall as lanky Prokopenko really, but built so he looked funny with his petite Golf. “Why you here anyways?”

Maybe his ears were still ringing and his brain was still mush because he wasn’t quite catching on here. “Huh?”

“Here. In Henrietta. Why’re you here?”

He refrained from letting himself get angry at the line of questioning. “Well, why are you here? I don’t share for nothing, bitch boy.”

Swan didn’t seem like he was into fighting right now either because he merely shrugged and replied “I finally lucked out with a good foster family. A rich one too. But they decided that the ‘best thing for you and your education, Finlay, is to send you to this beautiful prestigious school.’ I just think they couldn’t put up with my moods. Also, my black ass wasn’t classy enough for their weekly tea parties or whatever. They’re like classic Southern old white people, you know?” He hardly looked affected by the words he was saying as he smiled – a genuine smile that Kavinsky had never seen on his face before – and added “But they kept me and no one’s ever done that. They call and check on me and always send me whatever I need or want.”

“That’s nice of them,” Prokopenko said, a slight look of dejection on his face. Kavinsky had tried prying out stuff from Proko before but all he had achieved was a few things about his grandmother and the bullshit beings that his parents were. Kavinsky couldn’t really say anything though, could he? He was more close-lipped than anyone here.

“Yeah, yeah, it is,” Swan laughed, “Maybe they sent me here, but I at least know that they care. Like, literally they seem to genuinely give a fuck. Insane or what? It’s a rare thing to find in the foster system, let me tell you assholes.”

His mother genuinely cared. That was something. Ivo…hated his guts. But he had to kind of like him to make his daily call, right? Why else would he put in that effort when he knew that Joseph was never going to answer? “It’s a rare thing in general,” Kavinsky couldn’t help but murmur. They loved Swan even with his shitty attitudes and moods. How was that fair?

Simple.

It wasn’t.

Emilio’s family loved him even though he was a fag. That wasn’t fair either. Who was he kidding though? Nothing ever was when it came to him and his stupid ass existence.

“So…why’re you here?” Jiang asked, cocking his head to the side. “No one gives a fuck about you apparently?”

Kavinsky was suddenly too tired to act stronger than he was. Sighing as he shook his head and walked over to the bottles to clean up the glass, he replied “My mom does when she’s not too high to remember. More than enough for me.”

“How often is that?”

The piece of glass he had in his hand dug deep into his palm as he clenched his fist tight. The sharp pain was welcome for its physicality instead of him having to handle the emotional pain running through his chest that was making it hard to breathe. “Not as often as I’d like.” Dumping the glass shards into the crate but keeping the one in his fist as a painful reminder, Kavinsky changed the subject. “So, anyone want a try?”

“Where’s your dad?” Swan said, obviously not moving on like he was supposed to. Kavinsky had been trying not to get into fights with this bastard for Proko and Skov’s sakes but it was a bit difficult at the moment not to go flying at him. “Not around?”

Deflection and sending the question back out Swan wouldn’t work here because they already all knew that Swan’s parents were in prison. “Who cares?”

“My curiosity.”

Great, now he was giving his curiosity its own being like Emilio always did. Fuck his life and this night. “I don’t give a fuck about your curiosity.” He let his gaze rove over the other boys, “Anyone want a try?”

Swan looked like he was about to say yes but Skov cut in. “How about we just drink instead?”

It was easily apparent that the gun made Skov nervous. And that he was trying to keep the peace. Feeling indulgent for the moment, Kavinsky shrugged. “Sure. I don’t have anything with me though.”

“I got,” Jiang replied as he walked over to his trunk and popped it open.

Kavinsky left them to it as he walked over to his own car to put the gun away. Plopping himself down in the driver’s seat, he pulled the gun from his waistband and set it on the passenger seat before reluctantly opening his hand that was still squeezing the glass. It took a lot of effort and teeth gritting but once he had his hand open, it was a mesmerizing sight.

“Here.”

Nearly flying out of his seat from surprise, Kavinsky glared at Prokopenko who was leaning in and holding out a wet towel. “Where’d you even get that?”

“My car. It’s water from a bottle, not piss, I swear.”

Letting out a small laugh as he remembered the time he and Proko had pranked Jiang into wiping his face with a ‘wet’ towel, Kavinsky took the offered towel with his uninjured hand but did nothing. “Where’s your dad?”

Proko didn’t seem at all surprised by the question. He shrugged without a care as he answered “Probably Ukraine. Kiev. In that stupid fancy ass house of his with his stupid bitch blonde barbie and his six kids.”

One of the reasons he liked Prokopenko so much even though he knew that he shouldn’t was that he never asked questions. If he was given something, he’d treasure it, but he never demanded. “Mine’s in Jersey. Hoboken. In that house that used to be home with no one but himself and his memories. He never liked being alone. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how he’s taking it.”

“That’s okay, you know.”

“Yeah,” he whispered as he stared down at his seeping wound, the glass just sitting there like it was an ornament to a live art piece. “I guess it is.”

“You should clean that.”

“I should.”

“If you don’t, I’ll call Skov and we both know how he is when he wants to take care of someone.”

Laughing even though his mood was crap, Kavinsky shook his head as he set the towel in his lap and gave the piece of glass a careful tug. Shocks of pain went straight up his arm. “Please don’t. God, he’ll give me a lecture and say I’ll need shots or something, then threaten to cut my hand off if it doesn’t get cleaned and-”

“On and on and on,” Prokopenko laughed as he finished the sentence. They all knew exactly how Skov got when he put it in his head that he was going to play doctor. “Exactly. So clean that.”

With a sigh, Kavinsky yanked the glass out with a flash of sharp pain and dropped it in the cup holder before picking the towel back up and cleaning the blood off. It was more of a smear job than a clean one but good enough. Holding out the towel for Proko to take back, they switched so Kavinsky held a bandage roll to wrap his hand. “We have a problem, Bill.”

“It’s ‘Houston, we have a problem,’” Prokopenko snorted as he took the roll back so he could bandage Kavinsky’s hand himself. “He couldn’t just jam the glass in his right; nooooooo. Had to go stick it in his left like an idiot.”

“Maybe I wanted to become a righty like 80% of the population,” Kavinsky snorted in amusement as he watched his fellow Slav go to work. “Where’s your mom?”

Prokopenko flicked him a quick glance before returning back to his work. “Lot of questions today.”

“You can tell me to fuck off.”

“I could,” Proko mused as he tied the bandage after cutting it with, lo and behold, Kavinsky’s knife. He had to admit, he had wondered who had taken it after he had left it stabbed into the grass beside Skov. No one had ever mentioned it or shown it off. Now he knew why. “Tell me about this knife.”

Kavinsky shrugged as he sat sideways in his seat, feet resting on the dirt floor. “Took it from Ivo before I left. He has a shit ton but he had a couple special ones that he had brought with him from Bulgaria. That’s one of them.” Taking the knife after Proko flicked it shut, Kavinsky ran his fingers over the intricate engravings running along the handle. “Rumor has it, according to what Ivo’s own dad told him, was that this knife goes way back when to late 1800’s and was made by an ancestor of mine.”

“How much of that is truth?”

“Honestly? No idea,” Kavinsky snorted as he remembered when he had asked Ivo the same exact thing. “Ivo doesn’t know either. I know he got the other two he had brought with him dated and examined and whatever but he never got to checking out this one. We…were supposed to go to a specialist guy in New York together to get it checked out.”

Proko nodded and said “Russian ballet.”

“Huh?”

“My mother. Ballerina for a Russian company or whatever. World renowned, actually. Her and the company. I keep praying she’ll break a leg or something but it doesn’t seem to be working.”

World renowned, huh? Interesting. Kavinsky wasn’t sure if he’d be able to figure out who she was but he’d try a couple Google searches here and there and see. Emilio had taught him very strong detective skills not to mention the skills he already had from his unending curiosity to research stuff. “You must not be praying hard enough.”

With a hearty laugh that Kavinsky didn’t even know Prokopenko was capable of, the other boy said “I must not be!” Nudging Kavinsky in the shoulder with his fist, he laughed “Pray with me, yeah?”

“Yo, fuckers!” came Jiang’s shout, “I swear we’ll save you bitches nothing if you guys don’t get your asses over here! Swan’s already halfway through his second can!”

“Not everyone wants liver disease!” Prokopenko called back with a tone of amusement and that small crooked smile of his still on his face. “Also, I’m not dragging his ass back to the dorms again if he drinks himself stupid!”

“You wish you had the chance to drag an ass as fine as mine!” Swan laughed, extra cheery from the beer he had already downed. “It’s alright, Puppy will drag me home!”

Kavinsky snorted in amusement as he got out of his car and slammed the door shut. “Anyone down for a bet? Besides Proko of course because he’s already fifty down.”

“Aw, it’s my turn to make a bet,” Skov whined as he nursed his half water and beer mixture. “You always get to make the bets.”

Walking over and grabbing himself a can, Kavinsky replied “That’s because I get to make the rules, Puppy.”

“So full of yourself,” Jiang muttered with an eyeroll, “But I shouldn’t expect anything different, should I?”

“Nope,” Kavinsky laughed with a sip of beer, “Not at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	71. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you to all my amazeball readers. Special thanks to my awesome beta inwaytoodeepopps and also the lovely Madeline who comments way often. Both of yous give me major writing motivation so thankssss
> 
> For anyone who was curious on how banana cat looks, here's a link. Also if you search crochet on my tumblr page, they're a few other things I've done if you're curious. I'm actually currently making the Gangsey. I've finished Gansey so far and Blue's head  
> [Banana Cat](https://sam-bam-16.tumblr.com/post/177032108156/why-just-have-a-banana-when-you-can-have-a-banana)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I think I should go and apologize.”_

Fucking Atanas, man.

Just. Fuck. Him.

“Fuck him and his stupid family and his stupid powers and fuck everything, man. Fuck everything,” Joseph grumbled as he cleaned the wounds his forest had so kindly given him. Now he knew what Atanas had meant; the forest was held at bay with his presence. That there was a man who knew had to take control of his mind. Or the mind of others apparently.

Joseph most definitely was not that type of man.

“Ouch,” he muttered as he pulled out a thorn, tossing it into the trash between the counter and the toilet. He was sitting atop his bathroom counter as he cleaned up because he was too tired to stand and too lazy to get up and down from the floor every time he needed to run the sink. “Fuck him.”

“Who?”

He gazed up to his mother who was standing in the doorway. She looked concerned as she took in his bruised and cut up being but besides for the twist of her mouth, she said nothing. “Your grandfather.”

Her brow raised up, up, up. “My…grandfather?”

“Yes ma’am,” he snorted as he returned to his ministrations. “That bastard.”

“Uh…”

“Let it go, mayko, trust me.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw her nod with her ‘thinking’ face on. “So…I’ve got news.”

“Good or bad.”

“Both. One of each.”

That sounded fun. “Welp, let’s hear it. Fuck.” This thorn was fucking _deep_. He opened the drawer that was directly under him and pulled out a tweezer so he could dig into the flesh of his arm.

That sounded a bit more morbid than just removing a thorn.

“Well…number one is about Andrey.”

Should he tell her that his cousin had texted him with the news already? She had probably found out from his tétka which meant that they had finally told. Man, would he have loved to have been a fly on that wall. Or on the wall when they told bába. That would have been good. “Oh?”

Walking in, she hoisted herself up onto the counter on the other side of the sink, crossing her legs and turning to face him. “I think I owe you five bucks.”

“Huh?” Joseph said in confusion as he picked up his head to stare at her. He could tell that she probably wanted to smile about the pregnancy news but whatever the bad news was stopped her from being happy. “For what?”

“I seem to recall something about them forgetting to use a condom?”

Damn, she remembered that bet? That was literally years ago.

Years.

Fuck, where did the time go? Had he really been here this long? Been estranged from his family in his self-imposed exile this long?

“Ah, that,” Joseph nodded, going back to that pesky thorn. “So baby, huh? Those fuckers. I’m the cokehead here and yet I’ve made no babies. He has his brain in his head and yet take a look. Well…maybe in the _wrong_ head.” He couldn’t help but laugh as that funny little niggling of joy he felt for his cousin and Ivet came back to invade his feelings. “Those fuckers.”

“You don’t even sound mildly surprised,” his mother snorted as she leaned on the mirror. “Your tétka, according to her which means it’s a total lie, took it okay because ‘they love each other.’”

“Oh please,” Joseph laughed as he yanked the thorn out and dropped it into the trash, “She probably blew and Andrey and Ivet sat there like meek little children as tetíncho watched on with an amused look on his face.”

“So true. God, I would have loved to see that.”

“That makes two of us.” As he wet another napkin and cleaned more scratches from evil plants, Joseph asked “Ivet will be alright, though, right? You don’t think it’ll be too hard on her?”

It took his mother a moment to answer as though she needed to think about her answer. That alone made him worry a little. “She’s always been strong and healthy. She’s young but…I think she’ll be fine. Pregnancy definitely isn’t easy though and every body takes to it differently. Plus, people have had babies younger than twenty. She should be okay.”

Didn’t sound too bad. “Andrey is gonna pamper her like fuck so I think she’ll be fine. So what’s the bad news?”

Wringing her hands nervously, his mother said softly “I know that it’s sort of an unspoken thing of your not his business and he’s not yours but…I thought you’d like to know that your bashtá is in the hospital.”

Joseph’s hand froze over his knuckles which were bruised and crusted. It was a combination of fight night and the forest. Making sure his voice didn’t come out as concerned as he was feeling, Joseph asked “Hospital?”

“Some sort of deal gone bad sort of thing. Shot three times.”

“That’s a lot of bullets,” Joseph murmured while biting on his lip. He hadn’t lied to Proko when he had said that he loved his father. Him getting shot was not something he wanted to hear. And while his concern for the man was genuine, Joseph was also worried about something else.

Ivo was in the hospital.

 _Forged_ Ivo was in the hospital.

Joseph knew that his work had been good but what if there was some anatomical imperfection that he had missed? What if a doctor was removing a bullet and wondered where in the world the man’s liver was? Or maybe he was missing a rib? Joseph knew that Ivo wasn’t missing anything but it didn’t stop the anxiety from rising.

What if he had missed something and he just hadn’t noticed in his panicked moment?

“He’s stable. Took one to his shoulder, lower chest, and a graze at his hip. Not…too bad.”

She was on the verge of tears, he could tell. It was probably bugging her to no end that she wasn’t there to take care of him. “What’d the doctor say though? We both know that Ivo will make it seem like it’s not a big deal.” To Joseph, those wounds sounded serious. Sure, there were no vital organs in the shoulder but there were important nerves and not to mention the amount of blood vessels that could be damaged. He could lose proper use of his arm, or worse, the entire arm. And what about his lower chest wound? That could be terrible too.

His father may hate him but the last thing Joseph ever wanted was for him to be seriously injured.

Or dead.

…

Again.

Wiping her eyes while trying to sound stronger than she must be currently feeling, his mother said “I only talked to your bashtá but I’ll call your tetíncho later. He’ll be honest about it.”

Playing with the tweezer still in his hand, Joseph ran his gaze over his mother who was staring down at her hands in her lap, head still resting on the mirror. Scooting closer and setting the tweezer in the sink, he softly took her hands in his bloodstained ones and whispered “Mayko, if you want to go to him, that’s okay. I don’t mind. I’ll be fine until you get back. You can go to make sure he’s okay.”

His mother took a deep steadying breath before she picked up her head to look at him. Her eyes were far clearer than she’d been in months, clearer than she’d been since she’d gotten a little better. Piercing him with that mesmerizing emerald gaze, she replied without a single pause “I’d never leave you for anyone, Joseph.” He opened his mouth to tell her that he knew she wasn’t leaving forever but she cut him off as she squeezed his hands tight. “You’re my _only_ priority. You, my beautiful boy, are everything to me and I’m never leaving you to fight alone again. Your father is a grown ass man with, I’m sure, very talented doctors.” Placing a soft kiss to his hand, she added “I’m here to take care you. Okay?”

“Stupid goddamn tears,” he muttered, wiping them harshly into his shoulder while his mother laughed softly. “They’re so fucking annoying,” Joseph murmured into his mother’s shoulder as she pulled him into a hug. It was awkward as fuck because he was suspended over the sink but he didn’t care. It was a hug and he loved those things. “Love you.”

With a kiss to the side of his head, she whispered “Love you too, baby, love you too.”

 

 

“Aleksandra Stasvik,” Kavinsky said as he plopped down in the desk beside Prokopenko’s.

The chip that Proko had been about to sneak into his mouth before the teacher walked in froze. Turning his head ever so slowly and slightly while lowering the chip, Prokopenko said stiffly “Excuse me?”

Pulling out his English notebook and a pencil, Kavinsky replied “Your mother. Aleksandra Stasvik. You’re named after her, aren’t you? That’s why you like to be Sasha and not Aleksandr.” Prokopenko’s jaw clenched as he grinded it back and forth. If they weren’t in class, Kavinsky was sure that Proko would finally throw that punch he was dying to. “She’s a ballerina for the Mari-”

“Shut it.”

“So I’m right?” Google was a nice place sometimes. He’d actually been searching up how serious it was to be shot in the shoulder but had gotten sidetracked when he remembered Proko’s mother the ballerina who was famous in the dance world. “You look like her actually. I always wondered if you took after your fath-”

“Shut UP!” Prokopenko shouted as he got to his feet and towered over Kavinsky who was now very wide eyed and stuck in his chair. Their classmates had to be staring over in as much shock as Kavinsky was because Proko didn’t raise his voice. Ever. “Everything is just a fucking joke to you, isn’t it? Do you get that sometimes things are for you to keep to yourself? Or maybe that people don’t want to talk about something? Did that _ever_ occur in that coked up head of yours?”

“I…”

“You mock people, bully them, act all high and mighty because ‘I’m Kavinsky! My daddy is a mobster! Bow down and FUCKING FEAR ME!’”

He’d never said those words but now didn’t seem like a good time to interrupt.

“You hate it when people talk about you or your life so have SOME FUCKING COURTESY FOR OTHER GOD FUCKING PEOPLE!” Prokopenko was in full blown pissed off mode as he threw his hands up as he shouted, his skin flush with his anger and his eyes blazing with fury. “Nosiness goes two ways, you bitch! You start talking about my life then I sure as fuck will be like everyone else and pry into yours! You really want to go down that road! I will fucking go down it, you FUCKING TRASH PIECE OF SHIT!”

Kavinsky most definitely did not want to go down that road. He really hadn’t meant anything by bringing up Aleksandra; he had just wanted to know if he was right or not. Okay, so maybe he shouldn’t have kept going when Proko said to shut up but Jesus.

Obviously, Prokopenko’s mother was a very very very sensitive topic to butt into.

“Proko-”

“I’m not finished!” His shouting had long ago attracted people who were just passing through the hall and Kavinsky was just waiting for them to be sent to Headmaster Child’s office. Detention, here they came. “You like hitting where it hurts, well, I can fucking do that too.”

Fuck, no, don’t do that.

Spinning around to face all the shocked faces – bingo, there was the teacher – Prokopenko announced with flourishing hands “Everyone! Guess what? Joseph’s daddy hates his guts!”

No, no, no, no. “Proko-”

“Hates him so fucking much that he sent him all the way out here to keep him away from him! Now that’s what I call fatherly love! But hey, wait! There’s more! Joseph is so pathetic that even though he knows daddy hates him, he still cries and wishes-”

“Sasha-”

“That daddy would love him again! Pathetic or what! He cries like the bitch he is and wishes for daddy and mommy to love him-”

Leaping from his seat, Joseph tackled Prokopenko down to the floor to _just shut him up_. It hadn’t even registered in his mind that he had flicked out his knife until he was holding it against Prokopenko’s neck.

In front of everyone.

On school grounds.

He was so fucking dead.

“Go ahead,” Proko hissed, his fury no less dampened by any other emotion, “Is this why daddy threw you away? No control over your anger? What’d you do? Hit him? Hurt him? Try to kill him?”

Joseph’s whole world froze.

_“A fag,” his father whispered while nodding his head, still rested against his fists. The nod suddenly shifted into shaking as if he were saying no to something. “I refuse. No son of mine is a cocksucker.”_

_Straightening and turning to face Joseph, his father stared at him, the fury and disgust still written all over him and his posture. “No son of mine,” he repeated._

“Is that it?” Proko whispered in surprise, his eyes going wide, “Did you…you tried to kill him?”

“Shut up,” Joseph whispered, his hand shaking against Proko’s neck.

“Fuck, dude, I didn’t even mean that.” Panic was starting to fill Prokopenko’s eyes as they darted down to the knife and back up to Joseph. Bluffing. They always figured that he was bluffing. He was but now they’d never believe it ever again. “Joseph, dude-”

“Shut up,” he practically plead. He wasn’t going to cry in front of these people. No fucking way. But all that would go through his head was the worst moment of his life.

The _pew_ of the gun.

The blood splattering everywhere.

The sound of his father dropping dead.

With what little control he had, he flicked the knife close and shoved it into his pocket before literally bolting out of the room, out of the building, out of school. He didn’t stop running. It didn’t matter where he ran but he just needed to _run_. He didn’t care that he had left behind his things. Who gave a fuck about things? He needed to get far far away.

Away, away, away.

From everything.

Everyone.

Even himself.

Joseph can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message at the tone.

No tone ever came.

He currently wasn’t taking any messages right now.

Not even from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	72. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So Eid is this Tuesday (early Eid Mubarak to any fellow Muslims) and for this lovely holiday, you get a chapter! Make sure you come around Tuesday for a new chapter
> 
> Enjoy and see y'all Tuesday
> 
> _"He’s my buddy and you’re my buddy but my buddies are being assholes and sticking me in the middle."_

Maybe it was the guilt from all his feelings crashing down on him today but Joseph suddenly had such a strong urge to hear his father’s voice. Maybe it was because he knew that hours away, he was lying in a hospital bed, seriously injured without anyone who cared for him around to look after him.

Whatever it was, it made Joseph pull out his phone as he sat curled up in a dreamed up saucer chair that was so big, he submerged deep into it. He had gotten tired of sitting on his car or on the floor whenever he came to his lot, so he had made a chair. The lot was the one place that no one knew of which meant no one would come looking for him here. He didn’t think anyone would come looking anyways because what was he besides trash?

Staring at Ivo’s name, Joseph’s finger hovered over the call button. Even being in the hospital, his father had called his typical call earlier in the day. Could Joseph bring himself to call him? He just wanted to hear his answering machine pick up to get a taste of his father’s beautiful accented English that felt like home. Ivo was in the hospital anyways so…what was the chance that he’d actually pick up? None, right?

He liked those chances.

Taking a deep breath, Joseph clicked the little phone icon and put the phone to his ear. Just the dial tone was soothing which sounded lame as fuck but it made sense in his currently fucked head. “Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up…”

Joseph’s heart was stuck in his throat as he waited to reach the answering machine. _One more ring…_

_“You’ve reached Ivo Kavinsky. If it’s important, you’ll be smart and leave a message because I probably won’t call back otherwise. Leave your name and number.”_

And the tone beeped.

Closing the line, Joseph curled into himself as he sobbed. His whole life ruined because he had wanted to love like every other single person in this God forsaken world.

That was it.

Joseph had just wanted to love.

Sleep must have found him because the next time he was aware of himself and the world, he was being awoken by a buzzing against his mouth. “Never fall asleep with a phone against your teeth,” he muttered as he blinked harshly from the bright light of his screen. Night had fallen and his body felt stiff as hell from being curled in the chair for hours.

“Hello,” he whispered.

“Hey, baby,” his mother said, concern literally oozing from her voice. “Where are you?”

What time was it? Pulling the phone away from his face, he looked at the little clock in the corner of the screen. Fuck, three in the morning? “Hey, I actually slept,” he couldn’t help but snort. He put the phone back to his ear, “Just enjoying the outside, I guess. In a saucer chair.”

“Outside…in…”

“A saucer chair, yeah. Sorry, I didn’t see the time.” Even when she was hitting it so hard that she was hardly aware of anything, Joseph always sent a message to let her know that he was fine. “I’ll be home soon.”

There was silence on her end until she said carefully “So I got this call from school…”

Yeah, he should have seen that coming. “I’m not expelled, am I?”

“It was heavily suggested along with the fact that Headmaster ‘I’m not a Principal’ Child would love to expand the library’s section on Ancient European history. I told him I’d love to assist provided that there will be a large selection about Slavic history.”

“So you bought me back in.”

“Whatever it is that happened today-”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” he whispered as the guilt of killing Ivo came crashing down all over again. “Please. I’ll…I’ll fix it. Don’t worry.”

Her silence was jarring and uncomfortable but finally she murmured “I’ll listen to anything you need to say, baby. Don’t ever forget that. I’m here to shoulder the weight of the world with you. Whenever you need it.”

God, he just wanted to blurt everything to her. Every single stupid thing. Instead, all he said with tears invading his voice was “Thanks.”

“Love you, sweetheart. Be safe.”

“Love you too.”

Wiping his face which felt grubby from all his feelings today, Joseph didn’t hurry when he felt his phone vibrate again. She was probably just calling about something she forgot to say. When he felt that his face felt marginally less grubby, he picked up the phone and stared at his father’s name. “You should be sleeping, man.”

His father finally gave up, the call ending, with no message left. But Joseph shouldn’t except anything different; Ivo never left a message. It was like he knew that would be too much of a push for Joseph to handle.

A message.

Pulling up the messaging app, Joseph clicked his father’s name and waited for the keyboard to pop up.

_Get better soon, don’t tire urself out, don’t get up unless the doctor says ok_

_Take care of urself_

 

 

Joseph didn’t leave his house after that – his mother having gotten his bag from school for him – because there was no reason to. He didn’t want to see people – especially the guys – and people were guaranteed to not want to see him. He wasn’t stupid. So instead of going out, he spent his days doing things that Joseph used to do. Old Joseph things.

Where the inspiration came from, he wasn’t too sure. But maybe it was because his mother loved him and maybe it was because somehow, deep down, Joseph knew that his father loved him.

How he knew or why he thought that, he wasn’t exactly sure. But something told him it was true. It had to be, right? Ivo called every day, Joseph never bothered answering, but the ritual was never broken. It couldn’t just be so he could catch Joseph on the phone and call him a disgusting fag, right? Ivo couldn’t be that petty.

Actually, he could. Totally. Maybe Joseph was just being his usual delusional self right now.

Yeah, probably, now that he thought about it.

But he was trying not to think that way right now as he sketched out the chassis of a Camaro. He’d been inspired when he passed a bright orange one a couple weeks ago. He hadn’t had the time to challenge the driver to a race – no way someone drove that beauty without loving to race – but he was hoping he’d pass the car again. It had to be someone from town.

He felt better since he had messaged Ivo to take it easy. It was kind of like a ‘I killed you but I’ll still totally care for you’ thing. Joseph was garbage and that sounded completely stupid but…eh. At first, he had been worried that Ivo would suddenly decide to start sending messages which would end up terribly for the both of them but, thankfully, Joseph had only gotten one single word.

_Thanks_

Enough to acknowledge Joseph’s words but not overwhelming where Joseph wouldn’t be able to deal.

His father had always been a smart one. Smarter than Joseph, that was for sure. Ivo would have never gotten himself stuck in the stupid situation that Joseph was currently in. He wanted to apologize to Proko for pushing when he shouldn’t have but he couldn’t bring himself too. Prokopenko had pushed way too hard. He’d told the world things that Joseph had trusted him with.

That didn’t earn apologies.

But hadn’t he pushed way too hard too? He knew that Proko was sensitive about certain topics, especially his mother. He had known and yet he’d pushed.

What he was going to do with the guys, Joseph hadn’t decided yet. All that mattered right now was that his chassis was a little too wide. 

 

* * *

 

“I think I should go and apologize,” Sasha said as he lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling of his and Blake’s dorm room. The bed sucked, the room sucked, but here Sasha was.

Fucking Viktor.

Fucking Aleksandra.

Fucking Viktor’s Barbie Bitch.

“I don’t think you remember the knife that he held to your neck,” Blake murmured as he scrolled through a Wikipedia page. Sasha had tried to read what it was for earlier but he was too far to make out the words on Blake’s laptop. But he had easily recognized the typical Wikipedia page set up. “The knife to your neck as he admitted that he had tried to kill his dad.”

But the thing was, despite what everyone was saying in the ‘Kavinsky Rumor Mill,’ Kavinsky had never admitted it. It had sure seemed like he was admitting it from his reaction to the words but Kavinsky had never said the words himself. Sasha had. “I told people things that he had trusted me with. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“He deserves it.”

“I thought you’re supposed to be the nice one,” Sasha grumbled as he rolled to his side to stare at Blake in profile view. “I was pissed, yeah, but I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

Sighing, Blake turned his head to gaze at Sasha, his blue eyes piercing deep like Nico’s always had. “He talks a lot of bullshit; you finally talked back. It’s like a balancing of the scales. Now, what’s not okay was the knife at your throat. Because he could have and might have literally killed you with it.”

“He wouldn’t have.”

Blake shook his head with disappointment before turning back to his computer, “Do what you want, Sasha. I’m a friend who gives advice which is all I can do. Your choices are your own.”

Sometimes, this ass sounded too wise beyond his years. “Yeah, I know, which is how I ended up making a really stupid one a few days ago.” So what was he going to do about it? As Kavinsky always said, Sasha was the one with the conscience.

It was his conscience that made him roll off his bed to his feet. Blake made a disapproving clucking noise but said nothing otherwise. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Sasha muttered as he grabbed his sliders from under his bed and slipped them on despite his socks. Nico had always complained how Sasha had no sense of style. Had to have some truth to it because here he was with socks and sliders. And boxers. “I should put on pants, huh?”

“I mean, unless you want to walk around in your boxer briefs. I don’t particular like that brand; makes my balls itch like a bitch.” Blake broke into laughter, “Itch like a bitch. Good one.”

“You’re an idiot,” Sasha snorted as he pulled out a pair of shorts and slipped them on. He looked odd with his shorts, long sleeve, and socked sliders but it was a gentle balance of maintaining his body temperature. Henrietta weather was still kind of chilly in March but not enough where Sasha wore a sweater or pants.

“Try not to die. I’m not the best hero material.”

Sasha rolled his eyes as he walked out of their dorm, shutting the door firmly. He walked past all the stupidly named doors as he went to the stairs and bounced his way down, spinning his keys on his finger. Making his way to his car, Sasha paused as he heard his name, turning to find Jiang rushing over. “Whattup.”

“You gonna go see Kavinsky?”

Now he knew for a fact that Blake did not go around talking things, not to mention that the conversation had literally only happened a second ago, so everyone must have seen Sasha and his conscience giving in from a mile away. “Maybe,” he answered as he unlocked and opened his Golf. It was small and fast and awesome. No complaints here. “Why.”

Leaning on the open door, Jiang took a moment before replying “What’re you gonna do?”

He put the key into the ignition and turned his beauty on. “Talking is the plan. I’ll go from there. Again, why?”

Eyes narrowing, Jiang replied “You better not go forgiving him, man. He could’ve killed you. Might’ve actually done it too.”

“Let me worry about that,” Sasha replied as he nudged Jiang off his door with his toes. “Now shoo.”

“Good luck,” Jiang said with so much earnest as he shut the door and stepped back that Sasha suddenly felt like Jiang might actually care. Funny that he’d never felt that feeling before. “Don’t die.”

“Thanks,” Sasha snorted as he shook his head before he drove off.

It was a familiar scene as he parked on the street, walked up the long ass driveway, and rung the bell. Not a second later, Kavinsky’s mother opened the door. Déjà vu, man.

Except…she seemed different?

“Hi,” she smiled, like, really smiled. Not that creepy high one from before. “Can I help you?”

She didn’t remember him? Damn, she must have been really high last time. “I’m looking for K- Joseph, ma’am. Can I come in?”

Taking a second to examine him with what he suddenly noticed as beautiful eyes, Mrs. Kavinsky asked “And you are…”

“Uh, Sasha Prokopenko. He and I go to school together and hang out sometimes.” She hadn’t even bothered with his name last time. Would it be bad if he told her that he’d been here before? He didn’t want to make her feel bad if she was going through a good patch. “I just wanna talk to him, if you don’t mind?”

Mrs. Kavinsky blinked at him as she tapped her fingers on the door, thinking. “Hang out, huh? I don’t think he’s ever mentioned your name. Actually, hasn’t mentioned anyone since Liam.” She seemed like she wanted to take a moment to think of why but shook her head instead. “Are you a not-friend?”

Right, because Kavinsky didn’t do friends. Is that what Liam had been? A not-friend? Blake had told him about Liam and they had both found it beyond ironic that Blake’s older half-brother had been part of the in crowd of Kavinsky. Maybe had even met Kavinsky before anyone had. Before he even started getting high. That was fucking history right there. “I guess that’s the best way to put it. Can…I come in?” How many times did he have to ask? She was like a freaking mother duck.

Wasn’t that how mothers were supposed to be though? He wouldn’t know; his was busy dancing in Russia or whatever. Nic’s had been super protective so maybe because she wasn’t high, Mrs. Kavinsky was just being how she always was. Who knew besides Kavinsky? “I’m deciding.”

Well, then. “Ma’am-”

“Mayko? You seen my-” Kavinsky came over to the door but froze when he saw Sasha. “Proko.”

“Kavinsky.”

Mrs. Kavinsky was looking between them with a weird look on her face like she was trying to grasp what was going on. “And I’m Vesela. Glad we got the names out of the way. We letting him in?” Amusement glowed in Kavinsky’s eyes from his mother’s words but he just stood staring at Sasha without a word. “Baby.”

Baby. Damn, that was cute. Sasha didn’t get motherly terms of endearment. Never had. Never would.

“Yeah,” Kavinsky eventually nodded, “We’re letting him in.”

She spared one last glance between them before opening the door wider and gesturing for Sasha to come in. “Come on in then.”

“Thank you,” he murmured as he walked in. He was only a little nervous because unlike everyone else, he didn’t _fear_ Kavinsky. He was just a boy who got a bad deck of cards. But no one else wanted to understand that. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Kavinsky nodded as he raised a brow as he looked over Sasha. Finally he nodded towards the stairs, “Come on up.”

When they reached Kavinsky’s room, Kavinsky shut the door behind them as Sasha walked in. This time, he took the time to look around really good, wanting to understand this confounding boy. Stopping at a coffee table, Sasha looked down at what was looking to be a car. “You draw?” Shock of all shocks, goddamn.

Kavinsky. Drew. What in the fuck.

“I engineer,” Kavinsky snorted, like Sasha didn’t know shit. Plopping down into the bean bag chair with Sasha sitting across from him on the floor, Kavinsky spun the paper around on the table to show him. “It’s a hybrid; or, it’s going to be. I’m combining a ’73 Camaro and a ’69 Mustang.”

“Why…the fuck would you even do that?” Don’t get him wrong, Sasha liked cars as much as the next guy but he was no nerd like Kavinsky. Show Sasha a ’69 whatever and a ’70 and he sure as fuck wouldn’t know the difference between the two. Sasha knew how to drive well and could even race well but ask him to talk about his engine past the basics and he was fucked.

Kavinsky stared at him like he was an idiot and, okay, maybe for this specific thing, he was. “Because I’m an engineer. I’m engineering. It’s gonna be kickass when I’m done. I gotta fix the tires though. I have this stencil thing…” He trailed off as he began to look around himself until it looked like a lightbulb went off in his head. Snapping his fingers, he stood and went to his closet which looked worse than any mess Sasha could ever make. And Sasha could make serious messes. “It helps to make sure I get them properly in perspective because without proper perspective, _everything_ gets fucked even if it’s gorgeous,” he continued as he pulled out some box and dug through it. “But I haven’t seen it-”

“Dude, I’m sorry.” Sasha couldn’t just sit here and act like everything was fine until he made it right. That damn conscience, man. Freezing mid search, Kavinsky slowly set the box back in his closet but didn’t turn back around. “I said things I shouldn’t have, took things way too far, and I’m sorry for it. It doesn’t matter how pissed I-”

“Don’t apologize.”

“What?”

Turning around and looking resigned like he’d been thinking on this for a while now, Kavinsky repeated softly “Don’t apologize. I pushed when I shouldn’t have, especially knowing that you’re not comfortable talking about your mom. It’s my fault and I should be the one apologizing. Also…I kinda held a knife to your throat so…yeah. Sorry.”

Wow, okay, turn of events he was not expecting. Kavinsky could apologize. Cool. And sound genuine in the act. Even cooler. “And I said shit I shouldn’t have. I told people things that you trusted me with and twisted them to make you sound…”

“Pathetic.”

“Well, yeah.”

Kavinsky nodded while pursing his lips, making this weird face like he wasn’t sure what they were supposed to do now. Should he address the elephant in the room? “Um…”

“So, wheels are a bitch to draw, huh?” Sasha was done with this. He didn’t want to know if it was true or not if Kavinsky really did try to kill his father. There were things that he liked about the dude and he wasn’t willing to ruin that image even if everyone else was.  Kavinsky tried to kill his dad? Fine. For all they knew, there was a reason like…self defense or something. Having a mobster as a dad had to suck, right?

Right.

A smile grew on Kavinsky’s face, a huge fucking smile that made him look happier and younger than Sasha had ever seen him, as he took the box out again to continue his search. Sasha was down for just spending time with Joseph rather than anyone else. They could waste the afternoon talking about bitchy tires if the nerd wanted. “A complete bitch. Like, you have to…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	73. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> EID MUBARAK!!!!!
> 
> Enjoy today's chpt!  
> P.S. There's a Troye Sivan reference in there if anyone knows him. That's what happens when you're listening to music as you write. Sometimes the lyrics get to play a part ;)
> 
> _“You’re so fucking annoyingly poetic, you know that?”_

“Oh fucking shit!” Kavinsky laughed as he walked into Nino’s and caught sight of the waitress coming over to the hostess stand to greet them. The girl was hardly paying attention until she got close enough. Kavinsky knew she had noticed him the minute that he literally saw her face fall. “Oh my, my, my! If it isn’t Yellow!”

Prokopenko looked between him and Blue, entirely confused as Blue snapped “Blue. My name is Blue.”

“Whatever, love,” he snorted in amusement as he leaned up nice and close to properly to piss her off. She shrunk back and scrunched her nose like he stank which was a fucking lie. Body odor wise, he knew he didn’t because he was freshly showered, thank you, but he probably stank like weed or cigarettes. Bad enough, he supposed. “How you doing, babydoll?”

Yanking two menus harshly out of the hostess stand, Blue put on her most professional air and said “Table for two?”

“Yeah, please,” Proko said as he flicked a glance over to Kavinsky like ‘wtf???’ “Thank you.”

Straightening her back and making sure her head was held high, Blue led them to a booth in the back and set the menus down on the table. Kavinsky slid in and Proko did the same on the other side. “I’ll be back to take your orders.”

“Maybe I just want to order you?” Kavinsky said with his most salacious smile. He was pretty sure that she was over him, especially because they both knew that he wasn’t the same person that he used to be but that didn’t mean he didn’t love driving her insane. He hadn’t run into her in forever. “A taste.”

He cringed when Prokopenko kicked him under the table. To Blue, Proko smiled politely and said “Thank you. Give us a little extra time, please.”

Rubbing his leg gingerly as Blue walked off, Kavinsky muttered “Ouch.”

Proko gave him a glare as he opened his menu. The guy came here all the time so Kavinsky had no idea why he was even bothering with the menu because he had the damn thing memorized. That wasn’t a joke. Legit, like, months ago, he and Skov had tested Proko on it. The bastard had gotten it all correct. “Why you bothering her?”

“Because I feel like it,” Kavinsky snorted as he opened his own menu. “Duh.”

“You’re an ass,” Proko muttered as he focused on the menu. “Hey, so…Skov’s thinking we should all hang out tomorrow night.”

Kavinsky snorted so loud, he’d be surprised if his family in Jersey didn’t hear it. Skov wanted them to hang out. Cute, real cute. The guys had been shunning him literally for the past few months. Like, fucking literally. If the guy who he had held the knife to had forgiven him, what the fuck was their problems? Skov at least would talk if they ran into each other but Jiang and Swan always turned and went the other way.

Fucking literally.

But really, didn’t most people now? Even those who came to his parties were extra wary of him. Out of all the things Prokopenko had blabbed about, everyone was stuck on only one matter.

Kavinsky tried to kill his father.

It was the rumor of the century, apparently, and it changed practically everything in the way people interacted with him. Hell, in how they just looked at him. Letting it out that Ivo was a mobster was one thing but to let the world think that he had actively tried to kill the man was another.

Good thing they didn’t know that he really actually had.

Jesus fuck, his life was such bullshit. If there really was a God, Kavinsky’s knees would be raw from the amount of begging for life to just be little better he’d be doing.

Sigh. So, Skov wanted them to meet up, huh? More bullshit. “Yeah? And what are we going to do, Sasha?”

Proko knew that when Kavinsky called him ‘Sasha,’ he was getting into a sarcastic pissed off mood. And Kavinsky was definitely in a sarcastic pissed off mood right now. “I think talking-”

“The fuck are we gonna talk about, man? They don’t want to talk. And if they don’t want to, why in the fucking hell am I going to put myself out there for? I don’t need them.”

He didn’t say it but they both heard the unspoken words.

_I got you._

Kavinsky never thought that he’d let it happen but, dammit, he’d found a friend here. Prokopenko was no Emilio but he was Proko and he was good friend material. So despite his swears and promises, Kavinsky had gone behind his own stupid ass back and made a friend.

Damn himself.

Closing his menu and setting his hands atop it, Prokopenko said “Look, I get it, I do. But if we can fix-”

“There’s nothing to fucking fix!” He glanced around and realized that despite the noise of Nino’s, his voice had carried. Lowering it, he continued “They don’t want to be around me then fine. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Skov wants to hang around, alright? But he’s got Swan whispering in his ear-”

“The fuck is he listening to that piece of bullshit for?”

“Can I just finish a sentence, please? Jesus. You’re not even finishing my sentences like Nico used to, you’re just interrupting. We gotta work on your timing, man.”

Nico? Who was that? His sudden curiosity dampened his angry mood. “Uh…Nico?”

Prokopenko’s face went blank and shuttered close. He must not have realized who he had mentioned until it was too late. “No one. Forget it.”

“Why?”

“Drop it,” Proko said in warning, his eyes flashing even in the dim ass atmosphere of Nino’s.

They didn’t need to end up how they had before so Kavinsky kept his mouth shut despite his burning curiosity. Nico, huh? He’d have to try and get something out of Prokopenko later about whoever that was. “Look, my point is…is…” Fuck…what had been his point?

“You have no idea, do you.”

“Shut up,” Kavinsky muttered as he tried to find the thought he had just lost. “Just give me a moment.”

“Take your time,” Prokopenko laughed as he returned his attention to the menu. “I just want us to get back to shenanigans like the old days. You, me, Skov. Jiang and Swan are optional. You know how awkward it is when I share a room with Skov? He’s my buddy and you’re my buddy but my buddies are being assholes and sticking me in the middle. It sucks.”

He knew it wasn’t exactly fair but how was it his fault? Kavinsky had tried and no one else had so… “I mean, yeah, I bet it does but it’s not my fault, man.” Proko just hummed as he continued reading the menu. What was the point of looking over that laminated crap? Nino’s had never put anything new on that menu since Kavinsky had first come here years ago.

It didn’t matter how many times he remembered it, realizing it had been years still shocked him.

Sighing as he turned to look towards the door as Prokopenko waited for Blue to come back to take his order and Kavinsky tried to find his thought, he watched as two guys walked in. He vaguely recognized them. He had a class with the golden boy and a different one with the taller one. Or…yeah, yeah, the taller one. He just looked different with a shaved head. “Yo, Proko?”

“Hmm…”

“The guy who got his head bashed in a town away or whatever…what was his name?”

“Someone got their head bashed in around here? The more you know. Besides for us being idiots and assholes, I didn’t know crime happened in this area.”

His point was a good one and so very true. Kavinsky, to this day, didn’t bother locking his door because he wasn’t worried about shit happening. It was Henrietta, for fuck’s sake. Shit just didn’t happen. “Yeah, with a tire iron or something. It was a few weeks ago. Don’t you pay attention to the news?”

“Nope,” Proko replied, popping his ‘p.’ “Lemme guess…you read it in the newspaper.”

“Yeah, actually, I did. It’s a thing people do, Prokopenko. Read. Ever heard of it?”

“Nope.”

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Kavinsky laughed as he smiled at Blue who was walking back over, a pitcher of iced tea in her hand. “Hey, Yellow, why does Nino’s claim to have the best iced tea? The one I mix at home is way better.”

“Probs has drugs in it,” Prokopenko laughed even though he knew that that was a total lie as he shut his menu, earning an amused eyeroll from Blue. If Kavinsky didn’t know any better, he’d say that Proko liked Blue. Not that it’d be wrong; Kavinsky himself had tried for her and her quirkiness. But Kavinsky knew better and knew that Proko only had eyes for black girls. Only ever would really. This was just Prokopenko flaunting his manners to make Kavinsky look worse. This ass. “I’m ready to order.”

Blue pulled out her little notepad and pulled her pencil from behind her ear after setting the pitcher on the table. “Go for it.”

“Slice of veggie, three piece buffalo wings, and three piece mozzarella sticks. Ranch with the wings and marinara with the sticks.”

Jotting all this down, Blue asked “Would you like to try one of our salads? They’re new.”

Huh, Nino’s actually came out with something new? Shocking. But Proko didn’t seem interested as he shook his head to the negative. “Never order a salad from a pizza place because they’ll always ruin it.”

Blue snorted but she didn’t seem to want to prove him wrong. Maybe the salads really did suck. Flicking Kavinsky a cool glance, she asked “You?”

“I already told you; I want you.” From how tight Blue was gripping the pencil, Kavinsky was convinced that it would snap. “Full service though, not just a side order. Fuck!” He rubbed his shin where Prokopenko had, yet again, kicked him. Glaring at his friend, Kavinsky muttered “Ass.”

Ignoring him, Prokopenko smiled at Blue. “If he gets hungry, I’ll share my food. Thanks.”

“No problem,” she said stiffly. There was the smallest hint of gratitude in her eyes for Proko but Kavinsky knew that she’d never thank a raven boy.

Grabbing the pitcher and pouring himself a glass of tea, Prokopenko snorted “She doesn’t want to fuck you, get over it.”

Chin in his palm as his elbow rested on the table, Kavinsky replied “Awww, but I wanna fuck her!”

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” he agreed with a snort. That ship had long ago sailed far far away. “Why’re you here, Proko?” How was it that this was the boy out of everyone he was so comfortable with and he’d only just realized that Prokopenko was as tight lipped as he was?

“Because I’m hungry and you offered to buy me dinner.” Prokopenko laughed at what he had said and shook his head before taking a sip of iced tea. Either he didn’t get what Kavinsky was asking or was avoiding it on purpose. “That sounded so gay.”

“Don’t be a fag,” he murmured as he people watched the room. Something about that boy over there just pissed him off. He wasn’t sure what. His laugh? The look of wonder in his eyes? The carefree nature that he seemed to express?

Fuck that fucker that he didn’t even know.

“Why do you do that?” Prokopenko asked as he lowered his cup onto the table. There was annoyance on his face but there was some other emotion in there that Kavinsky couldn’t quite place. “Why does it always have to be ‘don’t be a fag’ or ‘fag this’ or ‘fag that?’”

Raising his brows at the boy across from him, Kavinsky said slowly “Because anything having to do with queerness” look at him with his new word, “means being faggish. Faggotish? Which word sounds better?”

There was a brimming anger but Prokopenko looked more carefully considerate than angry and that bugged him. What if he was like Jiang and figured out that Kavinsky had experimented being a fag for a while? “Why does it have to be like that though? Why do you have to judge people on their love?”

How many times had Kavinsky wondered that himself? Even wondered it about himself? “Because they’re fags,” Kavinsky enunciated slowly, “Duh.”

Prokopenko nodded slowly as he sipped more tea like he was analyzing every word, every facial twitch, that Kavinsky said or did. “You know Jiang is pan, right?”

Yup, he knew about the pansexual boy. He’d gotten a decent education that day. He’d wanted to search up more things after he’d gone home but his shame at being a fag had stopped him. “Yeah, so?”

His fellow Slav nodded again which was starting to get annoying. “Which is why you never say these things in front of him. Go figure.”

“What’s your point.”

Relaxing into the booth and tapping his fingers on the table, Prokopenko said “I hate it when you talk like that. That’s my point. It’s disgusting and ignorant. And bigoted too.” He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table, looking like he was ready for some serious conversation. Kavinsky, however, was definitely not. “I like you, alright? Because I’ve seen parts of you, little details of you, that make me convinced that Joseph isn’t who he acts like he is. But this whole ‘gay’s a fag’ thing? I hate it. Get rid of it.”

Kavinsky laughed and crossed his arms, leaning back into the cushion of the booth. “You’re stupid for liking me-”

“You don’t want friends, I can tell. You’re afraid of having friends, I see that. Fine. But I never took whatever oath you did about being lonely so I’ve made friends.” Pointing at Kavinsky, he said “You’re one of them, Joseph. But you need to either dump the homophobia or not make those comments around me or I’ll beat your head in like I imagine Jiang would.”

“Why do you care so much? Jiang’s a panfag but what’s your excuse? You’re straight.”

“Yeah, I am, but that doesn’t mean I believe in hate. Or intolerance.”

“It’s more than that. I may be a cokehead but my observation skills are still spot on.”

“Veggie pizza,” Blue said as she walked over and set the plate in front of Prokopenko before she set down the wings too. “And wings. Mozzarella sticks are on their way out. Can I get you anything else?”

Sliding his food to the middle of the table for, Kavinsky assumed, them to share, Prokopenko replied “No, that’s it. Thank you.” Blue walked off and Prokopenko began to eat, not at all looking like he was going to continue their conversation. The silence was incredibly unnerving; the silence of Prokopenko, he should clarify, because Nino’s was loud as fuck.

Kavinsky let his thoughts wander as he sat both gazing around the room and watching Prokopenko eat. The stupid naïve part of him had to admit that being considered a friend was nice. He’d always sucked at having them because making them just wasn’t one of his fortes.

But now he had Prokopenko.

“Who’s your best friend?” Kavinsky asked curiously as Proko munched on a wing. His ‘friend’ blinked at him midchew, caught off guard by the inquiry. “You said that you’ve only loved two people in your life – grandma and best friend. So who are they?”

Lowering the wing back to the tray and staying silent until Blue set down the mozzarella sticks and went on her way, Prokopenko contemplated him carefully. “What makes you think you have the right to know?”

Wow, okay. Harsh much? “Thought we’re friends?”

Proko snorted, crossed his arms, and shook his head as he leaned into the seat. “You can’t just use that whenever you feel like it. I don’t even know if you know how to be a friend.”

Scratching a scab along his wrist as he thought about the words and their implications, Kavinsky found that he had the sudden urge to prove Prokopenko wrong. He didn’t really get to do that too often so why not take the opportunity while he had it? “I can be a good friend.”

“And I can be Cinderella if I wish hard enough.”

“Cute,” Kavinsky muttered with an eye roll worthy of Ivo. “Friends are…people that you’re comfortable with and people who are good to you and…” Emilio was nudging at his mind, begging him to remember how beautiful having a friend was. “They’re the people that you tell things to. They’re the people you trust. And what’s given in return is care and love and support. Because then your hurts will be their hurts because the friend will help you with them.” A pang of sadness hit his heart. Hell, struck through it and ripped it to pieces. “You don’t have to be alone or suffer alone,” he added with a whisper, not even paying attention to Proko anymore.

His fellow Slav was considering him carefully, a tilt to his head as he watched and listened. “No, you don’t. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to you for the past forever.”

It hadn’t even registered to him that Prokopenko had spoken. The only thing registering was Emilio’s beautiful voice that snowy day in the backyard. “That’s why friends exist, Joseph. To make sure that people don’t have to be alone.”

“Who was it that left you alone?”

Shaking his head softly, still lost in his head, Joseph murmured “I left him alone. I’m the bad friend.” He slouched onto the table, resting his arms on the tabletop and his head atop that. “Emilio’s too beautiful to be a bad person. I never deserved him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	74. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So I've just come to realize that I never posted Thursday's chapter and IM SO SORRY. WHY DID NO ONE YELL AT ME  
> Like legit, really sorry. I've never missed a day before.
> 
> To make up for it, you guys get a chapter Tuesday.  
> SORRY
> 
> Enjoy and see y'all Tuesday
> 
> _"In that time, let’s all try to think happy thoughts so we’re all in better moods, yeah?”_

“Nicolas,” Prokopenko said softly as they lounged on a large ass futon that was tilted to that ‘just right’ angle so that they weren’t lying down but they weren’t sitting up. Perfect. “His name’s Nicolas.”

Joseph turned to look at Proko’s profile and watched him smoke. Emilio coming to life in his brain had made Joseph more Joseph than he had been in forever and for some reason, he couldn’t quite find enough will to bury his friend back down in his mind. Prokopenko had said nothing of Joseph’s admission about friends back in Nino’s, simply finished his food and offered to provide the drinks for them to enjoy tonight. “The best friend?”

“Yeah. To me, he was always Nico. Sometimes Nic.” A soft smile grew on his face as he took a long drag before blowing the smoke out through both mouth and nose. They were trying to learn the art of smoke blowing and Proko was catching on faster than Joseph was to his amazement. “Knew each other since kindergarten.”

Damn. To have a friend last from that long? That was crazy. People changed and they sometimes left people behind and yet Proko and this Nico seemed to have lasted their entire childhoods together. “Me…me and Emilio met when I was seven.”

He didn’t know why Prokopenko’s smile grew larger but it did as he turned his head to face Joseph and replied “That’s a long time ago too.”

Joseph stared at his nails in the absence of being able to stare at anything else as he considered what he was going to offer. He blamed a lot of things for what he was going to do. His current vulnerability. Emilio being stuck in his mind for the time being. His stupid ass curious being dying to know stuff about Prokopenko. Not to mention his need to just…remember what having a friend felt like. “If…I tell you a truth, will you give one back in return?”

It was like he had just made Prokopenko’s day because his eyes lit up and he said in so much earnest “If you give me a truth, I’d treasure like I know you would with mine.”

“You’re so fucking annoyingly poetic, you know that?”

Laughing as he turned back to looking out at the abandoned fairground’s ugly ass existence and smoking his blunt, Prokopenko replied “I want to major in English.”

At first, he totally thought it was a joke until he realized that Proko didn’t laugh afterwards or something like that. “Wait, really?”

“Yup. I like it. I don’t think I’d do poetry but if you think I got it then, hey, couldn’t hurt to try.”

“Huh,” he murmured because Proko didn’t even like to fucking _read_ so what the fuck, as he finished the last of his cigarette and made sure that it was out before tossing it onto the floor. He’d make sure to grab it later; he didn’t want a trashy place. “The more you know.”

“Damn straight. So, start us off here in the truth game.”

Suddenly apprehensive, Joseph got comfortable on the cushion of the futon and stared up at the sky as he thought. He…wanted to talk about Emilio. About how he was the most amazing person he’d ever met. How he was so beautiful inside and out. How perfect he had been and probably still was. “I…um…fuck.”

Prokopenko was hardly fazed as he cracked open a beer, handing it to Joseph before he grabbed another for himself after setting his blunt down in the plate between them. “Take your time. I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world to just suddenly open yourself up. And I don’t just mean you; I mean for anyone.”

 _God, you make me like you more every time you open that stupid ass crooked mouth of yours._ “Emilio…was my best friend. Really, I guess I should say…my only friend. I’m…pretty awkward and antisocial, you know? If Emilio wasn’t so outgoing, I don’t think I would have ever made a friend. I don’t know how to do it.”

Taking a sip of his beer, Prokopenko said “It’s not easy for everyone. People’s personalities are different and we all handle situations differently.” He turned and examined Joseph with those fierce eyes of his, “I can tell that it’s pretty hard for you. But that’s okay; just means I gotta be a bit pushier.”

Joseph gave a small laugh as he sipped from the can in his hand. “I suck at being social. People think it’s so easy. ‘Just go talk’ or ‘introduce yourself’ as if my anxiety hasn’t already created a million different scenarios in which I’m rejected by people. I literally hold entire conversation scenarios and practice run throughs in my head before I go and try to talk with someone because…” Joseph sighed and shook his head, “They just think it’s so easy. I didn’t have to do that with Emilio though. Somehow…it just always felt right when I talked with him. Even when we barely even met. It felt good.”

It’d felt amazing. It’d felt like life was finally on track with giving him a proper chance.

“I’ve always been sociable,” Proko said, crossing his legs and sitting up just a bit while still sipping his beer. “I’ve always been good at making friends and had tons of them during school and stuff. But Nico was always my go to. He’s special in that, well, he’s the brother I never had. We’d talk about everything and anything. Do literally everything together.”

Running his eyes over his friend who was enjoying the quiet of the night, Joseph felt a sudden realization come over him. “He’s gay, isn’t he?” Minutes passed as Prokopenko said nothing, just smoked and drank, not even bothering to look Joseph’s way. “Proko? Nico’s gay? That’s why you don’t like the way I talk?”

He removed the blunt from between his lips and set it back in the plate. He said nothing for a few more moments of silence as he stared down at his hands until finally he murmured “You’re gay, aren’t you?” Joseph’s entire existence froze, his eyes growing wide. How’d he jump from one thing to the other? “That’s why you hate and say what you do. Because you don’t like the fact that you’re gay.”

Shutting his eyes tight and swallowing so hard that it hurt, Joseph whispered “If you don’t shut your mouth, you and I won’t be talking again for a very long long time.”

The other boy only nodded, still lost wherever it was that his head was. Drawing his knees up, Prokopenko rested his chin on them and looked out at the world before them. “I bet Emilio’s a great guy.”

If his mind didn’t jump around so much when he was high, Joseph would hardly be able to keep up with Prokopenko right now. At least he was good enough to change the subject. “Yeah, yeah, he is.”

“Bet he was an even better boyfriend.”

Pain struck through him, sharper than any blade going through a heart. “Yeah, yeah, he wa- Mother. Fucker.” With his blood boiling at having his heart and mind being invaded so fucking much, Kavinsky snapped “I mean, do you fucking want me to hit you or something? You’re literally asking for it right now.”

With a laugh like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard, Prokopenko snorted as he shook his head “I’m sorry that you hate yourself so much.”

“Just-”

“Shut up, yeah, I get it,” Proko sighed. “I like you, Joseph. I like you for you,” he gestured up and down Joseph’s body, “I like this. You without all the bullshit you cover yourself with. Without the face that everyone else sees. I don’t know what’s happened in your life that’s made it so hard for you to be you, and I’m genuinely sorry that it happened, but…hating and being angry is going to get you nowhere, man.”

“That’s just fucking hypocritical,” Joseph snapped in annoyance. Why did he only ever gravitate to people who were just too fucking perceptive? Goddammit, man. “You can’t come say that bullshit when you had a fit about me bringing up your mother-”

“I hate her, yeah, I do,” Prokopenko interrupted, frustration and anger flashing in his eyes and coming through in his voice, “I hate her so fucking much that when she dies, I’ll fucking celebrate. But I don’t hate the world because you can’t have a life like that, man. You can’t fucking live like that; that’s not even living. I’m angry, I’m hurt, and I’m upset at how my life is going but I’m not going to let that stop me from living. I _can’t_ let it do that to me because I’m sick of everyone having a hand in my life besides for me.” Jabbing a furious finger into his chest, Prokopenko hissed “I’m the only one who’s supposed to be running me. If I lie down and let life beat me, then I already fucking lost.”

Clenching his teeth because he wasn’t going to fucking cry right now, Joseph exerted so much effort to make sure his voice came out steady. “I already lost, Proko. I lost years ago, don’t you get it? I stopped having a life literally eons ago. I never had control a day in my life since I was fucking born, man. The closest thing I’ve ever had to happiness was what ruined my entire life. If that’s not a sign, then nothing ever will be.” Turning his face away and wiping his tears angrily because he’d never cried in front of him before, Joseph whispered “Being an asshole and hating and…just being all out angry is the only way I can find any footing. It’s the only way I can stop from being hurt anymore. I’m sick of everything.”

“If anything,” Prokopenko whispered while carefully and softly setting his hand on Joseph’s shoulder, “us being friends is proof that you’re not as alone as you think you are. Or that Joseph would be rejected any more than you seem to make sure that Kavinsky is. I like you as you and I know for a fact that a lot of other people would too.”

Raising a knee as he wrapped his arms around his leg and set his chin on his knee, Joseph looked out at the fairgrounds. “I wish I had your confidence.”

Prokopenko removed his hand and laughed. “Buddy, Kavinsky has more confidence than this entire fucking town put together. Steal a little from him.”

Joseph couldn’t help but smile. God fuck Prokopenko and his…personality. Himself. Just him and who he was. “I like you.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. It’s a compliment.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“Do you really love Nico?”

He saw Proko turn his head to look at him in confusion. “Fuck yeah. Why?”

With a shrug and knowing that this was going to sound so incredibly stupid, Joseph replied “Just…sounds weird for a straight guy to say he loves another dude who isn’t his family.”

Prokopenko snorted in amusement. “I always considered him family. Hello, kindergarten, remember? I love him a shit ton, man. It’s okay to say you love a dude platonically, you know. Also, romantically but I don’t think we should touch that topic again right now.”

No, they definitely should not. “Dunno, just sounds…odd.”

“Only as weird as you make it.”

“God, I hate when people say that shit. Or the whole ‘only as awkward as you make it, Joseph.’ I mean, I was never the type to shy away from what I wanted to know but God. I hate that line so much.” Grabbing his beer angrily as Proko laughed at him, he took a huge gulp only to start choking on it. Prokopenko slammed him on the back a few times before Joseph was able to shove him away and breathe again. “Fuck.”

“Lesson of the day?”

“Don’t drink angrily,” Joseph laughed as he leaned back into the futon and stared up at the sky while he poured out the rest of his drink into the dirt. It was cursed now; no way was he drinking from that can again. “Emilio’s sister was really good with the stars and stuff.”

Crunching up his now empty can and dropping it onto the floor, Proko also leaned back and stared up. “Oh yeah? Like constellations and shit?”

“Yup. She knew every single one, could point them all out, and even knew the stories attached to them. She wanted to be an astrologist.” Nostalgia and longing hit him so hard right then. “I wonder if she still wants to.”

“Exiled yourself, huh?”

Sighing and putting his hands behind his head, Joseph answered “It was just…easier.”

“Only in the short haul. Makes everything harder in the long run when you want or need those people.”

Yeah, he’d found that out. “Proko?”

“Hmm?”

“I like you a lot.”

“So do these fucking mosquitos, dude,” Prokopenko huffed frustration as he tried to shoo away one. Or many. Who knew. “God fuck, I’m going to be a balloon tomorrow.”

Joseph grinned and shook his head. “It’s your Ukrainian blood. They love it.”

Shoving Joseph causing him to, shockingly, trust him on this one, laugh, Prokopenko snorted “As opposed to your Bulgarian ass?”

“Yessirrrrrr.”

“Hey, soooo, Liam’s girl, I heard she’s got a twin.”

His smile grew even larger, already knowing where this was going. “Interested?”

Prokopenko was nodding rather enthusiastically. “Actually, yes. Extremely. She’s gorgeous and her sister’s gotta be too.” Tilting his head curiously, Proko asked “You seen her? She as pretty as the girlfriend?”

“They’re identical. Unless, you know, someone does their hair differently or whatever.”

Eyes wide in delight and excitement, Prokopenko wrapped an arm around Joseph’s shoulder. “And…you’re going to get me an awesome introduction with her, right? You know their mom or whatever, don’t you? Put in a good word for me. God fuck, she’s gorgeous.”

Laughing as he threw Proko’s arm off, Joseph replied “I don’t think any recommendation coming from me is the best idea.”

Completely undeterred, Prokopenko shrugged and opened another beer. “Then get me an intro so I can sucker up to her. God fucking fuck, dude, she’s-”

“Don’t say gorgeous again,” Joseph groaned while shaking his head in his hands. Prokopenko had once gone on and on about a girl neither of them knew literally for _days_ because she was ‘so fucking gorgeous.’ It was the only word in his vocabulary when it came to girls.

“Gorgeous, Joseph! I want her so bad. I’m good boyfriend material, I promise. I’ll make her happy, soooo fucking happy!”

“Dear God, help me,” Joseph laughed as Prokopenko droned on and on about a girl he hadn’t even seen yet.

Yeah, he really liked this guy.

A whole lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	75. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Sorry again about Thursday. I had prepped the chpt (I do that the day before I update) but somehow it just completely passed my mind. This chapter is what you were supposed to read Sunday and Sunday's was supposed to be Thurs. But at least we're all fixed nowwwww
> 
> Enjoy and kudos and comments are always bomb. Just saying
> 
> _“We better call in the crew then.”_

Okay, so…admittedly, Kavinsky did miss getting up to shenanigans with the guys. He could admit it. Only to himself though because he was not going to make himself out as needy or whatever the fuck. But…as much as he missed it…he wasn’t willing to admit to any wrong doing to those guys. Kavinsky had fixed what had been wrong between him and Proko – okay, Prokopenko had taken the first step but all the same – and that was what mattered. Right?

Right.

“If this goes bad, it’s your fault,” Joseph muttered. Prokopenko gave him the barest of side glances as they leaned on the Evo and watched Jiang pull up in his Supra, Swan in his Golf, and…who the fuck… “Skov’s…driving.”

Proko was blinking like he couldn’t quite believe the sight of Skov getting out of the slickest looking RX-7 Kavinsky had ever seen. “The fuck?”

“I thought you room with him? How do you not know that he got a car?”

He had come to notice that when Prokopenko got mad, the muscle just under his ear twitched as he clenched his jaw. Just like a _twitch, twitch, twitch_. “Something I’d like to know too.”

Skov came bouncing over, all bright energy and excitement as he spun his key around his finger. “What do you guys think? Nice, yeah?”

Kavinsky nodded because, yeah, he could admit that. “Fucking slick, man. I get dibs on trying it out. Didn’t know you got a car though. When’d you get it?”

“A week ago,” Skov answered as he came up to them, completely oblivious to Prokopenko’s growing annoyance. A week and he didn’t even tell him? Damn. “Jiang’s been teaching me how to handle it. I’ve gotten hella goooood. Bet you I can kick your ass in a race.”

A bet he’d like to challenge once they got their relationship back on the up and up. “You’ve gotten cocky in my absence, puppy.” Glancing over to where Jiang and Swan were standing like they were something badass, Kavinsky said “So you idiots gonna just stand there or what?”

“You got a car and you didn’t tell me?” Prokopenko finally asked Skov, his tone stiff as fuck, and his arms crossed like he was refraining from lashing out. “I mean, fuck, man, a whole week? There is literally two feet between our beds and you don’t have the fucking decency to tell me?”

Swan swaggered over and stood his ground with Skov. “Maybe you shouldn’t have wasted so much of your fucking time with the bullshit standing beside you.”

“You got something to say to me?” Kavinsky snapped, shoving himself into Swan’s face. “Then fucking say it to my face, bitch boy. Or are you too scared?”

The other boy squared up his shoulders and moved in closer and Kavinsky braced himself for a fight. He fucking knew that this was going to happen but did Proko listen? Noooooo. “Stop,” Skov said with so much frustration that Kavinsky was surprised he didn’t have blood pressure from repressing his need to yell. Shoving them apart and standing between them, Skov took a deep breath before plastering a smile on his face. “We’re all here to get along, okay? Okay.”

Kavinsky was clenching his fist so hard that his nails were about ready to break the skin. “I’m not the one standing here trying to make issues.”

“I’m not the one who tried to kill his fucking father,” Swan snorted with challenge literally glowing in his eyes. Kavinsky knew that he was trying to get a rile out of him and just to be ornery, he wasn’t going to rise to the bait. Fuck this bitch, man. “Or held knives to people throats. Or owns a fucking gun that he shouldn’t fucking be owning.”

“If that bothers you so much, then just leave. No one told you to come show your stupid ugly ass mug.” What was incredibly frustrating here was that, sadly, Swan’s mug was hardly stupid nor ugly. In fact, Kavinsky could only admit this incredibly grudgingly in his dreams, Swan was a fucking handsome bastard. Sometimes, such a handsome bastard he was, that girls would skip over _Kavinsky_ for Swan. How fucked up was that? Girls wanted the bad guy, came to his parties for him, and yet sometimes they just flocked in the wrong fucking direction.

“Actually,” Swan replied with a smug look, “Skov did. And quite honestly, I don’t want to leave him alone under your fuck ass influence.”

 _Don’t punch him, don’t punch him, don’t punch him._ “If you guys are just going to waste my night by talking bullshit, then I’m leaving.”

“Aw, c’mon, K! Wait a minute,” Skov pleaded, his eyes taking on that stupid puppy dog look of his. “Just work with us here.”

Why did everything always have to be his fault? Hadn’t he been trying for the past forever to just fucking working with them? Why couldn’t someone make the effort for him just for once? “You have two minutes to catch my interest. Clock’s fucking ticking.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jiang snorted as he walked over and joined them, smelling of a fresh blunt and maybe just a little booze. “Why’s everything gotta be about you? You’re just Russian trash from Jersey, man.”

He wasn’t sure if he was more insulted by being Russian or from being Jersey trash. Both royally pissed him off. “Bulgarian, you fuckwad, and you’re making it sound like you’re something special coming from fucking Philly, man. Yo, you seem to forget that all you fuckers come down the shore to _my state_ when you wanna tan your faggot tweaker ass while bringing along your side jawns.”

Kavinsky knew exactly what his words would make Jiang do. Literally, he had shoved the few stereotypical slang shit he knew about Philadelphia into one sentence just to piss him off. So when Jiang swung, Kavinsky was already dodging and slammed Jiang back into the Evo, a knee to his groin. He was about to throw a punch of his own but someone yanked him back and shoved him down to the floor. Swan was standing atop him, ready to dive in for some fun but Prokopenko came between them, pushing Swan back.

“Why the fuck you protecting his stupid ass?” Jiang snapped at Proko as he pushed his way forward, while Kavinsky got to his feet. “How many times have we said that when someone talks shit, then they get what’s coming for them?”

“That’s a little hypocritical being that you talked shit and when he did something, Swan picked him off of you,” Prokopenko snorted, all cool like a goddamn fucking cucumber. “You called him Russian and trash. He called you shit back. You threw a punch, he smashed your dick. Sounds like the circle of life before Swan jumped in.”

“Okay so…obviously we all still need a little more time,” Skov said as he came to stand between the two opposing parties. Guess he was the diplomat around here. “We can try again in a few days. In that time, let’s all try to think happy thoughts so we’re all in better moods, yeah?”

Kavinsky couldn’t find a way to stop the smile that grew on his face from the boy’s words. “Happy thoughts. Sure thing, Skov. Happy, happy, happy.”

Skov shot him with double finger guns in approval. “Awesomeeee. That’s what I like to hear.” He pointed his guns at Prokopenko. “Happy thoughts?”

He was pretty sure that Proko was still pissed about not knowing about the car because he snorted “I’m currently incapable of such things. I’m still feeling pretty bitter right now.”

Puppy’s face dropped in disappointment. “I wanted it to be surprise and, like, show off that I could drive it really cool and stuff, y’know? It was nothing personal, Sasha.” Looping his arm in Proko’s, Skov dragged him over to the sick as fuck bright red car. Sliding his hand along the hood, Skov said “Touch, Sasha, she’s _gorgeous_.” Kavinsky wanted to laugh but even he knew not to interrupt the moment. When Prokopenko didn’t touch, Skov grasped his hand firmly and slid it up and down the hood. “Huh, Sasha?”

“Gorgeous,” Proko grumbled reluctantly, carefully running his hand along the car. “How’d you pick her.”

“Research. Lots and lots of research.”

Kavinsky crossed his arms and leaned on his car. “That why you texted me like a month ago asking about tuner cars?”

Skov turned and hopped onto his hood with an excited smile. “Yup. I asked Jiang about some cars, did some intensive Wiki searching, and then decided that if anyone knows anything, it had to be you. And I knew that you’d be honest with me and tell me the bullshit if there was any.”

Huh…he had to admit, he was flattered. “Wow, thanks, I guess.”

“Why do you know so much about cars? I mean, I try but I suck. I can’t remember everything. But you, your brain is like a freakin’ encyclopedia in there.”

Despite the drugs in his system, Kavinsky wasn’t stupid. He knew that while Skov may be genuinely curious, he was also blowing up Kavinsky’s ego to try and make things nice again. In Joseph’s life, he typically was the one taking the higher ground and making things nice at his own expense. Kavinsky didn’t sell himself short like his counterpart but…Puppy was a pretty awesome dude. It’d be okay to play into his paw this once. “Ivo,” he answered simply with a shrug. “He’s like thee car nerd so it kind of just grew on me, I guess.”

Even in the gloom, he could see the interest sparking in Proko’s eyes. Maybe they’d have to play another round of truths. “Yeah? Did he have model cars everywhere?”

“Cute, Proko, really,” Kavinsky snorted with an eyeroll. “And trust me, if my mom would’ve let him, yeah, he would’ve. He used to buy kits all the time and then say they were for me and then he’d sit for hours doing them with me. Hell, sometimes without me.”

_“I was working on that, y’know,” Joseph said as he came downstairs and saw his father sitting at the dining table working on the Gallardo. His father had gotten it for him yesterday and Joseph had started but hadn’t had the time to keep going._

_Obviously the man thought that he was going too slow._

_“I know,” his father murmured as he very very carefully attached pieces of the little engine together. “Just helping.”_

_Plopping into the seat beside his father’s, Joseph replied “Helping was helpful when I was eight, tatko. Now it’s just called taking over.”_

_A small smile grew on his father’s face as he set the piece on the ‘drying newspaper’ with other pieces that still had to dry. “Maybe I just have to start buying one for me and one for you then.”_

_“That’d be nice being that I’d like a chance to do the majority on my own cars.”_

_“Okay, okay,” his father laughed as he handed Joseph the glue and the piece that he was holding. “My bad. Don’t fuck up.”_

“Oh, that sounds so sweet,” Skov said in a voice of wonder. He was probably wondering how it went from building cars together to trying to kill one another. “I’m the youngest of four boys so my dad was tired of doing things with kids by the time I came around.”

“Five siblings.”

With a resigned sigh, Skov muttered “I’m trying not to slip up in front of my mom, dude. The other day I said five and she screamed at me for literally hours. If I say four, I’ll remember to say it in front of her.”

“Your mom’s a bitch.”

Anger flashed but Skov let it die out before he spoke. “When it comes to Liam, yeah, she can be. But say that again and I’ll sic Swan on you.”

Swan laughed as he lit a blunt, holding it out to Kavinsky. Raising a brow, Kavinsky snorted “Peace offering?”

“We take this play by play, baby.”

He could do that. Kavinsky took the offered blunt with a shrug and took a long drag. He held it out in Proko’s direction but the other boy shook his head. “I don’t feel like contracting a disease.”

“Fucking rude,” Kavinsky laughed as he handed it back to Swan. “Don’t act like we haven’t shared smokes before.”

“True,” Proko acknowledged, “But that was just with one person. Passing around is too dangerous. Too many mouths, man. My buddy wouldn’t even share water with me because he swore one day he’d get Mono from someone.”

Kavinsky was tempted to ask if it was Nicolas but he knew that Prokopenko wouldn’t appreciate him asking in front of the other guys. “Has he?”

For some reason…Prokopenko looked…sad. “No, no he hasn’t. He won’t.”

There was something there but Kavinsky wasn’t going to push. Nodding to Skov, he asked “So do I get my dibs to your car or what?”

Skov glanced between them all, probably checking the waters for violent tendencies, before he nodded with a huge grin. “Yeah! Totally! I call shotgun!”

“Gimme a sec,” Kavinsky murmured as he pulled out his phone and texted his mother so that she knew that he was fine. When he looked up after finishing, Jiang was standing in front of him with a blank look. “What.”

Jiang said nothing as he nodded slowly and ran his eyes over Kavinsky. Finally, he said quietly “I don’t know what shit you’ve seen or been through, I don’t know if half the rumors about you are even true – including the new one – but…we’re good for now.”

Nodding himself, Kavinsky bumped Jiang on the shoulder with a fist. “Good man. Now get in your Supra; me and Skov are challenging you and whoever. I’d advise Proko since he doesn’t weigh as much as Swan. Kinda evens the weight. We both know that Puppy doesn’t weigh shit.”

With that sharp grin of his, Jiang bumped Kavinsky’s shoulder back. “Get ready to lose, bitch.”

“On your fucking life,” Kavinsky laughed as he bounced over to the RX-7, catching the keys from Skov before pulling open the door. “I’m gonna kick your yellow ass, princess.”

“Oh?” Jiang snorted in amusement instead of getting offended as they fell back into their usual banter. “What makes your gypsy ass think that you can actually win? I know you sometimes mess up shifting because of the Russian letters on your gear shift.”

Laughing as he awoke the car to its beautiful purr, Kavinsky replied “My dear Asian princess, I think you need a history lesson! It was the Bulgarian alphabet first. Made by a Bulgarian. _Bulgarian_. And saying the word gypsy is offensive to the Roma people, baby.”

“You ever met a gypsy?” Skov asked as he got in on the passenger side as Proko got up off the hood and walked over to Jiang and his Supra.

“Roma person, man. Romani. The fuck did I just say?”

“Roma person?”

“Nope.” He had asked Ivo if there were a lot of gypsies where he had lived in Sofia and earned himself an hour long lecture about the Roma people. Ivo was a lot of things but racist wasn’t one of them. Who would have thought. “But I know that Ivo’s mob does a lot for them together with his cousin’s mob back in Bulgaria.” Lazar’s not so little girl anymore Katerina was actually Romani.

Skov was blinking at him with huge eyes as Kavinsky reversed and straightened the car so they could get on the road easily. “Mob. Right.”

“That’s nothing new, Skov.”

“I know, I know, just…different when it’s not so much a talk around town and you talking about it. Makes it more…real.”

“I guess,” Kavinsky shrugged as he followed Jiang down the road until they found a suitable stretch that they liked. “It’s always been real for me. Guess that’s why it’s not an issue to mention.”

Tapping his fingers on the dash, Skov laughed nervously “I get embarrassed if people know that my dad does illegal trading sometimes. I can’t imagine talking about him being a mobster if he’d been one.”

Kavinsky spared his companion a quick surprised glance. “Like insider stock trading and shit? Huh, the more you know.”

“Is all your guys’ money from the mob? Does he get paid well for being a baddie?”

Baddie. Cute. “Sweets, he’s the head honcho. If we were Italian, people would be calling him Don. He pays himself.” Or something like that; Kavinsky didn’t actually know the ins and outs of mobbing. “He makes the alliances, the decisions, everything.”

“That’s…kinda terrifying, dude.”

“Eh,” Kavinsky shrugged because until the yelling was aimed at him, he’d never been scared of his father beyond maybe getting in trouble for something. Lord Kavinsky never came home with Ivo.

Until he had.

They came to a clean stop at an empty intersection. With a quick look at Jiang beside him and a check to make sure Swan was on the lookout for cops, Kavinsky shut off the air conditioner and got himself ready to beat Jiang’s ass.

Hopefully.

“Hey, K?”

“Hmm.”

“I need you to help me tell Sasha something after this.”

This was hardly the time to throw something like this at him but he gave Skov a curious glance. “Oh?”

Looking worried, Skov gnawed on his lip – a trait they shared apparently – and said so quietly like he thought Proko could hear them a car over “Um, yesterday, someone came asking around for him while he was out with you. I told him that he was out for dinner with a friend and he said he’d come back tomorrow – technically today – but he didn’t unless he came after I left. Sasha spent the day with you so…”

His curiosity heightened to like billions of notches. “Yeah? Did he say who he was?”

With his blue eyes filled with worried, Skov whispered “He said he was his dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	76. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Honestly, I cant wait to start writing Swan's story. He's fun to work with
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> P.S. Do you guys still need the dictionary in the end notes? I kinda figured I'd stop putting it unless someone still needs it
> 
> _“You don’t hit, do you?”_

Proko and Skov gave him a curious glance as he came out of his car that he had parked in front of the dorm buildings. “Don’t you need to go home?” Skov asked as Kavinsky came up to them.

Technically, yes, but there was no way he was going to miss Prokopenko seeing his father if the man was around. “I’ll go in a bit.”

“You’re nosy as fuck,” Prokopenko snorted but he sounded relieved rather than annoyed. Always good. Maybe he appreciated whatever support Kavinsky may need to provide. “Typical.”

“No argument here,” he laughed as he followed them into the dorm building where they lived. Thankfully, it wasn’t the same one where Liam and whatshisface had lived or else that would have been not only a heavy dose of irony but just cruel mindfuckery too.

“Let’s be real,” Prokopenko continued as they walked, “Viktor is not the type to just sit in front of my door waiting. He’s too high class for that.” The last part was said with such a heavy dose of hatred and sarcasm that Kavinsky himself could have said it. “The man is complete fucking bull…shit…”

Well, if that was Viktor sitting there with freakishly long legs than Proko definitely got his height from him. Kavinsky and Skov had halted behind Proko who had frozen at the sight of his father sitting there in front of his door. Viktor was doing something on his phone and must have felt the stares because he picked his head up and looked around, soon finding them standing in the hall.

With a huge smile that wasn’t at all warranted, Viktor got to his feet and walked over. “Sasha! How are you? It’s a bit late for you to be out and about, don’t you think? I’ve been waiting all night.”

“Early, depending on how you look at it,” Kavinsky said helpfully, putting on the best smile he possibly could. Not to impress Viktor, God fuck no, but to piss him off. Fancy looking man in his suit didn’t seem like the type of guy who would like Kavinsky. In Prokopenko’s honor, he was going to try his hardest to royally piss off the bastard for as long as he was staying. “Could go both ways.”

Viktor frowned as he looked over Kavinsky, his disdain in him evidently apparent. “And you are?”

With a flourishing smirk and bow, Kavinsky replied “Kavinsky, sir. Not at your service.”

A weird internal snort sounded from Skov, probably from him trying to hold back his laugh. Viktor spared Skov a glance before returning his focus to Kavinsky. Typically, being under a man’s microscope made his skin crawl but he felt safe with Proko and Skov with him. “Obviously someone forgot to teach you any manners.”

“Nah, I’ve got tons of them because my parents raised me right. I just don’t think you deserve them.”

He didn’t need to see Proko’s face to know that he was happy with his words because the tenseness in his shoulders lessened just a bit. Of course, Viktor just looked even more royally pissed. Extremely royally pissed, his flashing eyes going from Kavinsky to Prokopenko and back. “You never seem to know how to pick friends, do you?”

Whatever that was supposed to mean, it hit Prokopenko hard. With clenched fists and that muscle below his ear pulsing, Prokopenko snapped “Fuck you.”

“Watch. Your. Mouth.”

Kavinsky and Skov shared an awkward glance before they seemed to come to the same conclusion. With each one of them looping an arm into both of Proko’s, they smiled to Viktor and Kavinsky said “It’s late slash early so how about you go to whatever fuck motel you’re staying in and we go from there. Obviously tensions are high or whatever the fuck and convo will get no one nowhere.”

Before Viktor could speak, Skov tugged in the direction of his and Prokopenko’s room to get them moving, going around Viktor, before saying “Have a good rest of your night slash morning, mister. Hopefully, we won’t see you tomorrow.”

“Excuse me, I’m still talk-”

“Yeah, we’re aware,” Kavinsky snorted as Skov yanked his key out of his pocket and opened the door. “We really wish you’d stop but you’re just not taking the hints, man.” Skov tugged them in, their human link disappearing from Viktor’s view with Kavinsky giving the tall man a wave and a smile before slamming the door.

They all waited silently for a minute to make sure that Viktor wasn’t just waiting or was about to bang on the door for entrance. Luckily, he must have decided to try again later because no noises came. With that silence, Proko broke the chain and face planted into his bed as he mumbled “You’re not supposed to slam doors after ten.”

“Technically because it’s a new day, we are before ten,” Kavinsky murmured as he dropped into the spinning desk chair parked at Proko’s desk. Spinning himself around only once because he was already getting nauseas with his bullshit stomach that couldn’t handle anything anymore, he added “He seems like an ass.”

Skov dropped onto his bed after tossing off his shoes at a random corner. “Yeah, he makes me think of my mom. Demanding. Controlling. God, the list could go _on_. Hey, K, you got a parent like that? I feel like everyone does.”

Tilting his head to stare up at the ceiling, Kavinsky took a minute to think as he tapped a finger on the arm of the chair. His mother wasn’t like that, no, and honestly…he didn’t feel like Ivo was either during the time he spent as a father. Joseph had always been allowed to make his own choices within reason. He’d been allowed to speak his opinions and thoughts too. “Nope, can’t say I do.”

“Fucking bullshit,” Prokopenko snorted as he turned his head to glare at him. “Your dad is a fucking mobster, man. No fucking way he’s not like that.”

Shrugging as he looked at the other two boys in the room, Kavinsky said “But he’s not. Never has been. At least, not in the way that Viktor seems to be. I mean, yeah, he’d get upset if I cursed or did something bad or stupid but I can’t really think of anything where he was controlling or overbearing.”

Both of them were looking at him like he was insane. Biting his thumbnail, Skov said so softly that Kavinsky barely even heard him “Then why are you here?”

“Huh?”

“When you mention stuff…he sounds awesome. Outside of being a mobster and stuff, of course. I don’t understand where or what went wrong for you to hate him so much or…y’know…that other thing. For that to happen, i-if it did.”

That other thing. Funny thing was that it didn’t just maybe happen. It’d fucking happened worse than any of them could ever imagine. It would never occur to any of the guys that they hung out with a real life murderer.

Murderer.

Dear fucking God.

Shutting his eyes – not as tightly as he’d like because it’d alarm the guys – Kavinsky took a deep breath and slowly released it into the quiet of the room. He stayed that way for a few minutes until he was sure that he could function like a normal human being and then opened his eyes. “I propose we find a way to piss off Viktor. Who’s down?”

It was one of the worst change of subjects in the history of changing subjects but both Skov and Proko let it go. Tracing patterns with his finger in his blanket, Prokopenko murmured “I don’t know. I don’t want to make things worse than they already are…but I also…really want to piss him off, you know? Like…I just…want to remember what enjoying myself was like.”

“Dido, dude, fucking dido.”

“But I don’t know if it’s a good idea to fuck up my life more than it’s already fucked up.”

“If it’s fucked, not like it’s gonna get much worse.”

Skov threw him a dirty glance like that was the entirely wrong thing to go around saying. “Don’t listen to his idiocy. Look, I think-”

“I think I’ll fucking key his car for you if you want,” Kavinsky interrupted. When Skov sent another glare his way, he stuck out his tongue and laughed. Getting up, he took the two steps it took to get to Proko’s bed and bounced on beside him. “Look, I’ll key his car, you don’t get blamed. Simple. You’ll even get satisfaction from it.”

“From watching?” Proko asked hesitantly as he looked up at Kavinsky. “Like voyeurism?”

Puppy started choking on his spit behind them as Kavinsky laughed “Sure, why not. Although, if you get sexually aroused from me keying a car…I’m a little concerned.”

“Just a little?” Skov muttered as he suddenly turned up at Kavinsky shoulder. He tried leaning on him but Kavinsky pushed him off before he had the chance. Skov just rolled his eyes and said “Look, my very awesome Sasha, Kavinsky will key Viktor’s car, Jiang will slash a tire, and Swan will piss on the hood. I’ll, of course, be on the lookout.”

“Typical.”

Their dejected buddy actually looked a little hopeful as he glanced between them. “You guys could get into serious trouble.”

“That’s why I’m always the lookout, Sasha.”

Rolling his eyes at little Puppy, Kavinsky snorted “Dude, when has trouble ever not found us? Me, particularly. Shockingly, I will gladly get into some trouble on your behalf. Not for you though, don’t mix that up. I’m not a fucking martyr.”

With excitement glowing in those damn hazels of his, Proko’s face broke into a huge grin. “We better call in the crew then.”

  

* * *

 

He was an honest guy. It was just the way Finlay was. If he liked you, he told you so. If he hated your ugly ass fucking guts, he also told you so.

He was fucking honest to a fucking fault.

And he liked it that way. Be honest with him and he’d be with you. Well, he’d be with you regardless because…

That’s just the way he was.

So he wasn’t bullshitting anyone when he repeatedly told everyone that he just didn’t fucking like Kavinsky. Shoot him, Finlay just. Did. Not. Like. The. Guy.

Period.

But…but, he did have a sort of…respect was a strong word…but a sort of respect for the dude. Obviously, Kavinsky had been through a few things and Finlay, as a guy who he himself had been through his share of a few things, understood that it took a toll. Made you a little different than how you used to be. Finlay was an understanding guy. He was. That was probably the only reason that he hung around Kavinsky minus hanging out with Jiang and Skov. Because he was understanding and knew that Kavinsky wasn’t exactly right in the head.

They did a lot of fun things, he could admit that. Not even just the stuff that could get them into trouble but their pick up games of different sports or even that time they’d played Sorry. Granted, it was a drinking version of Sorry where you took a shot of vodka every time you got a one or two – they’d been so drunk off their asses that night – but it had been fun. Finlay couldn’t remember the last time playing a board game had been fun. On days where Kavinsky was more outside than inside his head, the dude was alright.

Like right now.

“What should I write?” Kavinsky asked curiously from where he was sitting on Prokopenko’s desk. The two Slavic guys’ personalities weren’t particularly similar and yet they seemed to get on better than anyone else. Maybe it was in their blood because they were technically related extremely distantly. “Proko, got anything in particular you want?”

The guy in question was sitting dejectedly on his bed, Jiang beside him who was slurping on a popsicle. He’d originally sat on Skov’s bed but the little blonde had shoved him off, not wanting to have to wash sticky drops of popsicle from his blanket so Jiang had moved to Prokopenko’s bed who was too out of it to care. “I’ve…no idea. Should it be personal or should I just let you write shit?”

“Dunno,” Kavinsky shrugged, scratching at his wrist where there were fresh scabs. Finlay’s teachers always said that he didn’t pay attention to anything around him but they didn’t understand that he paid attention to all the little details that no one else did. “This is all on you, man.”

“If you could key your dad’s car, what would you write?”

Snorting with an eye roll, Kavinsky replied “I wouldn’t key Ivo’s car, Proko. No way in hell.”

“Then why the hell are you suggesting we do it to Viktor if you’re not even willing to do it to your own dad?” Skov asked in annoyance. Puppy rarely got frustrated or annoyed, he was too mellow for that, but sometimes little things got his blood flowing. “Sounds a little hypocritical, K.”

Finlay watched curiously from his spot in Skov’s desk chair as Kavinsky thought about what he wanted to say. Kavinsky did this thing where he bit his lip when he was thinking hard or when he was nervous. But he also scratched along his arm when he was fighting his nerves so Finlay knew that he was only thinking right now. “His cars are too nice.”

“That’s a lame as excuse,” Jiang laughed as he dumped his popsicle stick in the trash. “Viktor drives a fucking Benz S63 AMG. That’s not too nice for you?”

“It’s fucking gorgeous, hands down, but I can bring myself to key that shit because he can replace it easy peasy. I cannot bring myself, no matter my pettiness, to key whatever Ivo may be driving that day. Could be a fucking Rolls-Royce, Aston Martin, or what if he’s driving one of his classics? Fuck, I’d legit kill myself or let someone kill me before I ever even _breathed_ on his ‘70 Hemi Cuda. It’s a fucking _convertible._ You guys know how rare that car is? Took him _years_ to get his hands on it. He’s driven it only once and that was to make sure it was running as it was supposed to. I took off my shoes before I even got in. Can you imagine-”

“Okay, okay,” Finlay interrupted with a wave of his hand. They’d all learned that if you didn’t shut Kavinsky up about cars and, shockingly, animals, the guy would literally never stop talking. Finlay didn’t even know what the fuck a Hemi Cuda was. He’d have to ask Jiang because he was their next car dork. He didn’t know half the stuff Kavinsky did but he knew more than the rest of them. “We get the point of your dad and his ten cars.”

Kavinsky blinked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world. “Warehouses, Swan. He has _warehouses_ _of cars._ Used to be one but when you keep buying you’re gonna need more space. What part of he’s a fucking car enthusiast did you not get? _Warehouses_. Plural.” Putting his hands together like a prayer and shutting his eyes, Kavinsky said in such a serious tone “Please let him leave me them all in his will. That’s all I want.”

“How fucking rich are you?” Finlay’s newest and best foster family were old money rich people in his home state of Georgia and they were _loaded_. But from the way Kavinsky talked…it sounded like Finlay’s foster fam didn’t have shit compared to the Jersey shit. “How much money does a mobster make exactly?”

Shrugging and literally looking like he had no clue, Kavinsky said “Beats me. But we own our house. I guess I should say we own both our houses because of the one here, and we own our cars – they’re all fully paid off – uh…we own the building where Ivo’s casino is although that was passed down through my grandfather…” He took a moment to think, biting his nail as he stared off into the distance with all of them waiting for his answers. They rarely had the opportunity to know anything about Kavinsky because he was so damn secretive that, like idiots, they took whatever they got like it was a fucking gift.

God, Finlay was a stupid ass.

“I mean, I guess our furniture is expensive? Uh…we’re paying for this bullshit school…”

“Dude, my family does all that shit too except for owning a shit load of cars and owning the building of his business,” Jiang snorted, slouching back against Prokopenko’s headboard. “But we ain’t rich like you. Nothing you’ve said is special.”

He shrugged again like he seriously genuinely knew nothing. “I…wasn’t exactly raised in opulence. I had to save up for stuff I wanted and I didn’t get allowance for nothing. I had to do chores; cleaning my room and taking out the trash do not count as chores, by the way.”

Prokopenko was staring at Kavinsky with open curiosity. “You couldn’t just…go shopping because you were bored? I had a debit card directly attached to the account where the bitch put money in and spent whatever the fuck I wanted.”

“That sounds rather spoiled.”

Skov laughed like that was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “And you’re not?”

Eyes flicking between them all with his brow raised, Kavinsky replied “I…don’t think so, no. I sure as hell didn’t have direct access to bank accounts. I saved my money in a jar and counted my pennies. I’ve grown up in a very comfortable life, yeah, but my parents didn’t teach me to be an ass about money. I’m grateful for everything I’ve got because I know people don’t have what I do.”

As a foster kid who never had anything and put his belongings in a trash bag because that was what they gave them to use between houses, Finlay felt respect for this guy sitting across the room from him. Rich people just didn’t understand the value of everything, the guys in this room included, and yet Kavinsky seemed to.

Weird.

“Anyways,” Kavinsky continued, sounding like he was done talking about his life, “What the fuck am I keying? We could just go for a simple ‘fuck you’ if you want.”

Prokopenko looked to be considering this as he nodded slowly. “Doesn’t get more direct than that, right?” He glanced around the room, “Right?”

“Agreed,” Finlay nodded. Fuck you was sweet and to the point. “Should I piss while he’s writing or after? Warn me now so I can start chugging water.”

The guys laughed and Kavinsky threw him a water bottle from the floor from the ‘kitchen’ that Prokopenko and Skov kept in a corner. It wasn’t a kitchen obviously, just a pile of junk sorted into color coded bowls for when they were too lazy to go down and eat. “Get chugging, princess. We need a nice long stream of vengeance.”

“Stupid ass,” he couldn’t help but laugh as he opened the water and began drinking. Yeah, he didn’t like Kavinsky. But he could respect him.

And as a team of vengeance boys, that was good enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bulgarian Dictionary (If I put anything wrong, please let me know) –
> 
> Майка (máyka) – mother, addressed as “mamo” or “mayko”  
> Тетка (tétka) – a mother’s sister  
> Тетинчо (tetíncho) – a mother’s sister’s husband  
> Баща (bashtá) – father, usually called “tatko” or “tate"  
> Дядо (dyádo) – grandfather  
> Баба (bába) – grandmother  
> Прадядо (prádyádo) – great-grandfather


	77. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Swan and K will never like each other but they can understand one another.  
> More than enough I think
> 
> Also...no dictionary? Idk but no more dictionary. I hope y'all are versed in basic Bulgarian by now  
> You're welcome haha
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _"So I may have heard around the succulent garden that you hand glazed this pot here. True or no?”_

He watched with disgust as Kavinsky snorted a line off the hood of his car. “Can you imagine how much germs you just inhaled into your lungs?”

Kavinsky blinked at him, stuck in a little limbo as his body became aware of the drug running through him. Ever so slowly, the manic smile that came with him getting high grew on his face and his eyes turned huge as they lit up. Finlay was no angel; he did and still did drugs here and there. But the shit he did was the might stuff like ecstasy or even those funky little pills Kavinsky always somehow seemed to have. No one in their fucking mind got themselves hooked on cocaine for the fun of it.

Except this idiot in front of him.

“My dear dear, Finlay, do I look like I fucking care what I put in my body? What’s a little germs gonna do to me?”

“Add to your list of issues and make your lung cancer worse,” he snorted matter-of-factly. Fucking duh. What he received in reply was Kavinsky breaking into raucous laughter like that was the funniest thing that he’d ever heard. This fucking idiot, man. “You’re a stupid ass.”

“Well, duhhhhhh,” Kavinsky laughed as he spun his keyring around his pointer finger as he got in Finlay’s face. He looked terrible. Jesus Christ. “This is not news, FinFin.”

FinFin. Wonderful. It was probably going to fucking stick too. Dammit. “Hurry up, let’s go. We gotta hit his car before he has the sudden inspiration to go somewhere.”

Just like his fair share of drugs, Finlay had done his fair share of stupid things. Pissing on a car was the least of his crimes and slashing a tire was the least of Jiang’s. And from what he’d heard about Kavinsky, keying a car was the least of his. So when they reached the gorgeous black AMG, Finlay had neither regrets nor remorse when he went to the front of the car and whipped out his dick to take a leak.

Honestly, it amazed him that his foster family hadn’t gotten rid of him yet like all the other ones had.

Both he and Jiang finished their jobs easily and quickly, so they stood behind Kavinsky and watched him as he worked. “You’re fucking slow, man,” Jiang snorted as they watched Kavinsky finish ‘fuck.’ “Pick up the pace.”

“It has to be readable,” Kavinsky replied. He sounded like he was using so much effort and concentration as he crouched there scratching into the doors. “If I went fast, there’s no way he’d be able to read my crap. My handwriting is bullsheeeeeiiiit. Oh fuck.”

Finlay leaned forward to see what there was to fuck about and saw blood on the Slav’s hand. “Gross, your nose is dripping.”

“Oh, those side effects,” Kavinsky sighed with such sadness that Finlay was totally thrown. It was like Kavinsky was wistful of a time when his nose didn’t bleed when it felt like it. Pulling out a tissue from his pocket, Kavinsky said “Oh hi Mr. Tissue! I have need for you.”

Finlay shared a glance with Jiang. They’d been around their fair share of high people – Kavinsky especially – but sometimes when the other boy was freshly flying…it was a little disturbing. “Come on, Kavinsky. We gotta get moving.”

“’Kay, ‘kay,” Kavinsky murmured after he blew his nose ever so disgustingly before returning to his ‘masterpiece.’ “Y-O-U.” Leaning back, Kavinsky examined his work and nodded, satisfied. He turned to look behind himself at them. “Done.”

“Looks good,” Jiang nodded as he gave it the quickest glance ever. They were pushing their time limit. “Let’s get moving. Before…Skov?”

The little blonde was running over to them like fifty dogs were snapping at his heels. “Guys, guys, guys, guys!”

“Breathe, princess,” Kavinsky laughed, too high to understand that Skov running to them meant only one thing. Dammit, they seriously had to get moving. “You can’t be that excited to see us.”

Coming to a stop beside them and breathing heavily – Skov was never much of a runner – he said through labored breaths “Vik-tor. Com-ing.” Swallowing and breathing in deep and slowly letting it out, he added in a much steadier voice “We really gotta go now. He left his room and stopped at the manager office, so I don’t know how long we have unless he saw me ru-”

A throat cleared.

Very very loudly.

Funny how they didn’t notice the tall man behind Skov. It wasn’t like the blonde was huge for a person to hide behind. Especially someone the height of Viktor. Skov cleared his throat quietly as he spun around slowly and Finlay was sure that he plastered a smile on his face. “Um, hello again, sir.”

“Wow, that almost sounded like mannered speech,” Viktor snorted, crossing his arms, “Who would have thought.” Luckily, so far at least, Prokopenko’s father hadn’t noticed the disaster of his car. Maybe they could walk away before he noticed. Viktor’s eyes flicked to Kavinsky, who was blinking blankly at him. “And you? Nothing to say today?”

Kavinsky shrugged and laughed “Fuck you.”

Oh boy. He was literally throwing himself under the bus right now. Hell, under a fucking 16-wheeler.

Viktor seemed thrown that these were the only words the rude boy from yesterday had to spit. ‘Fuck you’ was just too easy, too plain, for someone as out there as Kavinsky. Even Viktor and his little knowledge knew that. “That’s all you’ve got?” Prokopenko may not have grown up with his father around but attitude must run in their genes. “That’s all you’ve got to say?” Viktor asked as he stepped forward, almost intimidatingly, “That’s it? I’ll admit, I’m a little…”

And here they went. Finlay wondered if he should tell Skov to run or not because if anyone was going to get major shit for what they just did, it’d be Skov from his stupid mother.

The rest of them would manage.

Standing there and blinking at his car like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing as Skov subtly and slowly moved away from him and almost behind Jiang, Viktor very slowly grew angry. It was like slo-mo morphing. His fists clenched, his face turned furious next, and his eyes screamed murder a second later as he read the words. Finlay wondered if the dude smelled piss yet or had even noticed his tires. His guess was no because the fury turned on Kavinsky, immediately connecting the dots.

The key still in Kavinsky’s hand didn’t exactly help his matter either.

“You…” Viktor seethed through clenched teeth. Finlay could literally _smell_ the fury and hatred coming off the older man as he glared at Kavinsky. “You…you _fucking_ -”

“Oh look! Viktor can curse!” Kavinsky laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Out of all of them, after Skov had hid behind Jiang, he was the closest to Viktor and was definitely going to be the one getting arrested today. Maybe they would too but Viktor had no sort of proof on them.

Too bad for Kavinsky. They’d told him to hurry his ass up.

“You fucking PIECE OF SHIT!” Viktor shouted, the veins in his neck and forehead ready to explode. Who knew that a face could get that red, though? “YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!”

Finlay wondered if they ran how far they’d get before Viktor or the cops caught up with them. Honestly, he was just worried on poor Skov’s behalf. “Skov,” Finlay whispered, “You should probably disappear.”

“Yeah, you should,” Jiang agreed as Viktor yelled more obscenities at a laughing Kavinsky. He was just too fucking high to comprehend shit right now. He needed something to break through his fog to get him thinking again before it was too late.

“I don’t want to ditch you guys,” Skov whispered back. His loyalty was cute but now definitely wasn’t the time for it.

“Don’t worry about it, just go,” Finlay said hurriedly, “Go, dude, we’ll deal.”

Without another word, Skov shot off like bullet.

Viktor didn’t even register that Skov had disappeared, far too upset about his car right now. “I’ll have your fucking ass in prison!” He glanced again at the obscenity scratched into his car which only made him even more pissed as he turned back to Kavinsky. Kavinsky laughing probably didn’t help either.

The laughing, it seemed, pushed Viktor to his limit of ‘manners’ or whatever all that shit he seemed to always preach about was.

Because he charged at Kavinsky and swung.

Now, Finlay and Kavinsky have shared _plenty_ of punches between the two of them. It was sort of their thing now. So Finlay knew that while Kavinsky wasn’t trained in fighting like Jiang or even the bit Finlay knew, he was a scrappy fighter. And scrappy fighters knew how to survive when they needed to. So he knew that Kavinsky could have easily dodged that punch or even deflected it in a way where he’d hit Viktor back.

Finlay knew this for a fact.

But none of what he knew happened.

No, Kavinsky didn’t dodge or deflect or block or even hit back.

He _flinched._

It was the flinch that took Viktor out of his rage filled stupor at an awkward halt and brought Finlay and Jiang into their shocked filled ones.

Kavinsky flinched.

Blinking down at Kavinsky in confusion as the Slav literally _cowered_ , his head covered by his arms, Viktor stood and stared like none of this made any sense. And really, it didn’t, did it? Kavinsky didn’t cower. Sure, sometimes he acted odd because life must have been a bitch to him but Finlay had never seen him back down from a fight. Ever.

And he sure as fuck didn’t tremble in fear.

He just didn’t.

Viktor slowly stretched out a hand but stopped before he reached Kavinsky’s shoulder like he knew that touching him was a bad idea. Finlay had no idea where his sudden desire to protect Kavinsky came from but it rose up from his chest so fiercely that he shoved himself between Viktor and the Slavic idiot, daring Viktor to push him away with just the arch of his brow. “Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Him.”

He tried not to cringe and worry about the vomit that may have splashed on the back of his shoes as the sound of Kavinsky retching came behind him. The dots were starting to connect in Finlay’s brain and the picture it was painting of Kavinsky’s life was not a good one.

In place of the confusion Viktor had been displaying came concern which was weird as fuck. He didn’t try to go around Finlay or even push him out of the way but instead crouched down to Kavinsky’s hunched level. Rubbing his hands together in thought with Finlay between him and Kavinsky, Viktor finally said softly “Go home, kid.” His eyes flicked up to Finlay before they turned to Jiang still standing to the side who looked lost in his thoughts. “All of you. Help your buddy, get him home, then get yourselves.”

Jiang stared at Viktor like he was insane. “What about what we did to your car?”

“Dude, shut up,” Finlay couldn’t help but snap. If Viktor was letting them go, why in the fuck would someone remind him of the shit they did?

But even the reminder didn’t seem to break through Viktor’s concern as he glanced back at Kavinsky who hadn’t moved a centimeter. “Forget about it. Just help him home.”

Finlay didn’t want to push their luck any more than they already had so he turned around and carefully crouched down beside Kavinsky. “C’mon, let’s go. We gotta find where Skov ran to. Little dude’s fast but not that fast.”

Nothing.

“Kavinsky.”

More nothing.

Ever so softly, Finlay set his hand on Kavinsky’s shoulder, hoping that it wasn’t the wrong thing to do. But how else was he supposed to get his attention? “K,” he whispered even though he had always thought Skov’s little nickname was stupid as fuck. “C’mon. Up we go, Joseph.”

He wasn’t sure if it was his touch, saying ‘K,’ or saying his name but whatever it was caused Kavinsky to raise his head ever so cautiously. He blinked at Finlay who couldn’t think of a time he’d ever seen Kavinsky’s eyes so…awake. Aware. Finlay had met the guy after he’d started using, not before. Rumor had it that Kavinsky didn’t used to be like this though no one seemed to know for sure. Honestly, Finlay had never cared; it didn’t matter to him because, well, he didn’t exactly like Kavinsky to care to wonder.

And yet right now, he wanted to know everything.

Kavinsky turned his head and stared down at the puddle at his feet before focusing on Viktor’s crouched form. They stared in silence at one another before Kavinsky whispered “You don’t hit, do you?”

“I’ve never hit a child in my life. But having a laughing tall as a basketball player tatted beanpole mocking me made me miss the child in you. I’m sorry.”

Okay, so no offense to Prokopenko’s hatred to this man and all but he seemed more decent than most of Finlay’s foster families. What the fuck.

Shaking his head softly, Kavinsky said nothing as he returned his gaze to the puddle of bile. Viktor said no more either as he slowly got his feet and said to Finlay “Get him home,” before he walked away.

And that was that.

Finlay gazed at Kavinsky in cautious curiosity before he made his choice. Looking to Jiang, he mouthed _“Go, I’ll take him.”_ Jiang stared at him like he was insane because Finlay wasn’t exactly the compassionate sort to want to do something like that. Using his hand to shoo Jiang away, he mouthed again _“Go.”_ With a shrug, Jiang spun around and walked off, not once looking back. He probably didn’t want to deal with the mess anyways.

“Let me get you home, man,” Finlay murmured to Kavinsky who seemed like he could see the entire world in that splatter of puke. “C’mon.” When there was no movement, he softly wrapped his hand around his thin upper arm. Jesus, he never realized how thin this guy was. “Joseph.”

“I can’t go home.”

The stench of vomit was starting to turn his stomach. “Why not?”

“I’m not allowed home.”

What the hell? Finlay actually knew for a fact that Kavinsky’s mother was doing good right now so why couldn’t he go home? From the little he knew, Kavinsky and his mom actually got along so he didn’t think she was the type to not let him home. “Since when?”

“Since forever.”

God, he hated vague ass answers. “Dude, you smell like shit. You need a shower. We could probably sneak you into the dorm showers if you want.”

Kavinsky shook his head as he sat down on his ass like he had no intentions of going anywhere. “Those are communal. Nothing but a curtain.”

“So?” He had to admit, he’d never taken this guy as the shy type.

“Too much people. Guys.”

More dots began to connect and Finlay couldn’t say that he liked the picture that he was getting. “I can shoot you with the hose.”

A small laugh escaped those chapped lips. “I can just take a shower in my house, you know.”

He was so confused right now. “You just said that you can’t go home.”

“This bullshit house isn’t my home,” Kavinsky snorted with a pang of sadness laced in his voice. “It’ll never be home. No matter what.”

“So…you mean Jersey.”

Staring down at his hands which we hanging between his drawn up knees, Kavinsky said softly “Yeah, Jersey.”

“I had a foster dad who used to beat me,” Finlay blurted before he lost his courage and before Kavinsky shut down on him. If he had him this open right now, he wanted to take advantage of that. “Especially when he was drunk off his ass. Sometimes because I took two cookies instead of one. I always wondered how he knew until I found out that he counts them every night.”

When he looked up from his lap where he was sitting beside Kavinsky, he found the Slav staring at him in surprise. “He used to beat you because of cookies?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged because it was behind him now. He’d never see that man again. “He said my checks only paid for me to have a cookie a week. I was stupid and little and believed him. It wasn’t until I got older that I knew different.”

Biting his lip and grimacing because of the flavor still in his mouth, Kavinsky replied “That’s…I’m sorry.”

Finlay shrugged again because it really was behind him. He’d moved on. “Thanks but it’s whatever. I had another one who used to belt me.”

“How do these people qualify as foster families exactly? The fuck.”

Yeah, he’d always wondered that too. “This one lady, Ms. June, had an alarm on her fridge to know when it opened. Her kids had the code, I didn’t.”

Nodding slowly, Kavinsky murmured “You know why I flinched, don’t you.”

“And why you threw up. He look like him?”

“My dad’s not a bad person.”

He didn’t want to scoff and laugh because that would just make Kavinsky close up and shun him but come the fuck on. Not a bad person? Bullshit. Not to mention that he totally avoided answering the question. “Really.”

The sarcasm was apparent in his voice and Kavinsky easily caught it. “He’s not,” he insisted. “He…he h-he used to pull my hair when he was upset but that was it. He’s good, he was always…was most of my life good to me. He was, Finlay.”

Hair pulling sounded nice compared to some of the things Finlay had been through. But he knew that if it had just been limited to that, Kavinsky wouldn’t have reacted so badly to Viktor. “My bio dad used to hit me too. Funny how they thought they were getting me out of a bad situation to only stick me in others. But I’d never defend them because they’re the ones who did wrong. Not me. I refuse to be a victim.”

“I’m not a victim.”

“You’re like exhibit A of a victim, man. You’re defending him even though I can tell he used to beat your ass.”

“He never hit me.”

Jesus Christ, why did he have to open this. He hated conversations that went in circles. “Joseph.”

Anger started to flare up in Kavinsky’s eyes. “He was good to me.”

“Yeah? Then why the fuck did you try to kill him if he was good to you, huh? Why’d you cower from Viktor if he was good to you?”

“The fuck do you know!” Kavinsky snapped as he got to his feet. “You don’t know shit about me, or him, or us. Don’t try to come around and and…analyze like you know shit! You don’t! We were _close_. I loved him! I fucking love him! And I know I’m so fucking STUPID FOR IT!”

Something told him he just opened a can of worms that he shouldn’t have.

Kavinsky’s entire _body_ was flushed from his anger…at himself, apparently. He paced as he continued his rant, his hands and arms gesturing viciously with every word of anger and frustration either to himself or just vaguely to the world. “I’m stupid! I’m the fucking idiot who wants his life back! There’s no going back! And yet I love him like the biggest stupidest fucking IDIOT TO EVER EXIST! What idiot loves the man who beat him just for loving!”

Wait, what?

Shit, Kavinsky looked like he was about to cry. Finlay wasn’t good at helping people through those types of emotions. He tried to avoid crying people at all costs. Halting his furious pacing, Kavinsky dropped onto his ass on the floor and covered his face as he cried “I-I just wanted to love like everyone else. I just w-wanted to be happy for o-once. Just once.”

Quietly getting to his feet, Finlay walked over to where Kavinsky had set himself down and sat beside him. Anyone else would probably give a hug but Finlay wasn’t that type of person. He just wasn’t comfortable being that kind of person. As they sat in silence, Finlay tried putting together all the pieces he had. Kavinsky’s dad was a mobster but apparently was a good dad. Kavinsky supposedly tried to kill his dad. His dad beat him for…loving. Kavinsky didn’t like the dorm showers because they were communal; too many guys around. He’d vomited from Finlay being pressed up against him. He’d had a freak out that time Finlay had been on top in a fight.

Oh Lord, were the pieces connecting into one hell of a puzzle.

“There’s no going back,” Kavinsky whispered dejectedly as he rested his chin on his knees, his nonexistent cheeks covered with streaks of tears. “It’s too late.”

“I heard forgiveness is a hell of thing.”

Kavinsky snorted like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. “Even if there was forgiveness somewhere out there for me, it’s gone. I took it away. I took _him_ away. It’s over.”

He had no idea what any of this meant except what he thought he figured out. But he wasn’t going to push it. Finlay didn’t enjoy people digging into his mind, trying to find all his cracks even if they meant it in a caring way. He wasn’t about to do it to someone else. “Lemme get you to your house, man.” Finlay refrained from calling it a home; that’d just set off something else. “Take a shower and then come and regroup with us at Prokopenko and Skov’s, alright?”

Shaking his head, Kavinsky murmured “You guys meet up and whatever. I’m…not in the mood to talk.”

For some reason, leaving Kavinsky alone sounded like a terrible idea and Finlay was worried that he was starting to care after what he thought he learned. Dammit. “Then don’t talk, just sit with us. Eat all the crap in the red bowl.”

The tiniest of smiles grew on Kavinsky’s face. “We’re not allowed to touch the red bowl, you know that.”

“You get privilege today.”

He looked almost persuaded but Kavinsky still shook his head. “Nah, it’s okay. I think I’m just gonna…sit.”

Hopefully sit wasn’t code for cutting himself open or something. “Fine but do know that I’m going to call you later to make sure you’re still alive. I’m not blind, man, and I’m also not embarrassed to say that I’m not blind. I have no shame.”

That actually earned him a laugh, Kavinsky smiling at him. But it wasn’t the ‘Kavinsky smile,’ it was just a smile. Was this who Prokopenko saw when no one else did? The reason they got along so well? “I don’t think any of us do, Finlay. Except maybe Skov and his eternal blush.”

Fuck, he forgot about Skov. “I should probably check on him. I sent him running off.”

“Well then that’s two people you need to check on today,” Kavinsky sighed as he got to his feet, sparing a glance to Viktor’s car before he began to walk towards his own. “Don’t call after twelve. I want to try and sleep today.”


	78. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamrt.tumblr.com)
> 
> A death and two Snapshots on the way! Yay!  
> Snapshot requests are of course always open. Hit me uppppp
> 
> Hope y'all are enjoying the story thus far. I always wonder about any criticisms so if you got it, let them out. I'm not gonna sit and cry or something. I genuinely want to know
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“You know who always had good plans? Elrond. Elrond was good with plans."_

“I can’t remember the last time we went shopping together,” his mother said to cut into the silence of the car ride. She had wanted to go to the farmer’s market that was held in the square of one of the few larger shopping centers Henrietta had and Joseph had decided why not. If it made her feel better, then he was down.

“Yeah, been a long while,” Joseph murmured as he watched the buildings flash by. He had it in his mind to buy a mini succulent for Swan as a thank you for yesterday. Maybe the guy had gotten Joseph all riled up and probably had figured out way too much but he had shared with him and that wasn’t an easy thing. Swan had even kept his word about calling to check up on Joseph and if that wasn’t a sign of some sort of…dare he say it, friendship, then nothing was. “We could both use the air.”

When they reached the market, they split up to look at what they wanted. Joseph saw two stalls that could have what he was looking for and went for the closer one first. He’d only been to Swan’s room once before but from that once, he’d noticed that Swan had two plants in his window. Maybe caring for things was something he enjoyed and a little plant to add to the family would be a nice gift, wouldn’t it?

Joseph thought so.

“Hello,” the elderly lady who ran the stall said with a smile.

“Hi,” he replied with his own quick smile as he glanced around at the table. She didn’t seem to have any succulents but his eye kept going back to the bucket filled with sunflowers. His mother needed more sunshine in her life. “Can I get a sunflower, please?”

“You sure you don’t want roses,” she laughed before placing the bucket closer to him. “Pick which one you’d like.”

Roses? Checking out each and every sunflower to find the perfect one because his mother deserved nothing less than perfection, Joseph asked “Why would I want roses?”

Adjusting her hair under her visor, she replied “Your arm, dear.”

“My arm?” he said, completely dumbfounded until he actually took a look at his arm filled with black roses, vines, and thorns. The sleeve was technically finished now unless he wanted to add in little details here and there. Currently, he was having a quote done along his ribcage. He’d only been able to handle an hour session because it hurt like hell. And because he’d wanted it in Cyrillic, Joseph had had to write in his absolute best handwriting for Drake.

It hadn’t been terrible but it hadn’t been great so with a little practice, Drake had made a beautiful stencil with far better lettering than Joseph could ever manage. Even in his own native tongue.

Just plain fucking sad that.

“Ohhhhh, okay. Good one,” he couldn’t help but snort in amusement, shaking his head as he returned to picking his flower. “That’s my heritage right there, ma’am.”

“Is it? Roses? Black ones, at that.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Joseph said as he pulled out the flower he wanted and handed it over to her. “Roses for Bulgaria and black for the Black Sea. Also has special meaning for my grandfather.”

“Really?” She looked seriously interested and if Joseph was feeling just a little better today, then he might have spent the time talking about his homeland to satisfy her interest. “Well that’s just lovely. I have a grandson who got a tattoo but, dear Lord, is it terrible. It’s a pin up woman. Nothing beautiful like yours.”

Breaking into a laugh as he handed over two bucks, Joseph replied “I mean, it could be worse.”

Sighing with a shake of her disappointed head and handing over Joseph’s flower with the end of the stem wrapped in a wet napkin and a piece of plastic wrapping tied on top of that, she said “That’s the scary part. Don’t get drunk and get a tattoo now.”

“Noted,” he laughed as he walked off with a wave, triumphantly admiring his pretty flower as he walked to the other stall he wanted to check. This guy had two tables and a shelf on a table full of cacti and succulents. Must be his specialty. “Hello.”

“Morning. What can I help you with?”

Gazing at the huge variety of succulents this guy had, Joseph was completely lost on what he should pick. “What’s the best for indoor in-your-window sort of thing?”

“You’re gonna want to try these over here,” the balding man replied as he made a circular motion over a group of plants. “Anything in particular you’re looking for?”

Not necessarily and Joseph thought that he had just found his winner as his eye caught on a small pot with a tiny garden variety of succulents. That looked nice. “How much is that one?” he asked as he pointed at it. The one next to it was nice too but he didn’t dig the pink flowers. Swan probably wouldn’t like that above the one with red. Plus, this one looked nicer with those kind that sort of hang over like a tail.

“Twenty-seven.”

He looked up at the guy in surprise. “Seriously?”

“Nice variety of some of the loveliest succulents plus a hand glazed pot. Trust me, you’re getting a steal.”

Yeah, as if he’d trust this guy about anything just on the basis of his gender. But he didn’t want to have to go hunting through stores and it _was_ pretty… “Hand glazed?”

“My wife’s work,” the man answered with a nod.

“You got proof of that?” He wasn’t paying for hand glazed unless he was fucking getting hand glazed.

The man replied with a hearty laugh that suddenly made Joseph kind of like the guy. Damn him and his laugh. “Smart shopper, aren’t you?”

“I learned from the best. You tell me I’m getting something, then I better be getting that something.”

Another hearty laugh exploded from the man’s chest before his eyes lit up to something behind Joseph. Turning, Joseph watched a women walking over with a big box and figured she had to be the wife. Good, he needed his questions answered. He set down his sunflower on the table and took the box from the woman and set it down behind their stall. It was heavy as fuck and he had no clue how she had managed it all the way over here from wherever she had parked. Damn.

“Thank you!” she said with a few heavy huffs before she nearly chugged a water bottle. “I nearly lost my back there.”

“No problem. So I may have heard around the succulent garden that you hand glazed this pot here. True or no?”

Her brown eyes glowed in amusement as she smiled at him while her husband once more laughed while emptying the box she had brought with her. “You’ve heard correct. I hand glaze, handmake, hand everything.” She grabbed one of the figurines her husband had set down on the table. “See this fierce little dragon here? Made her myself. Lord, were the details on Diana a pain.”

His heart stopped as he stared at the red dragon in her hand. “D...Diana?”

“Oh,” she giggled at her silliness, “I like to name my figurines as I work on them. It brings us closer together and helps the process of working on them. Diana seemed like a fitting name for this dear here.”

More like freaky as fuck coincidence. But if there was one thing that Joseph knew for a fact, it was that coincidences didn’t happen in Henrietta. “How much is Diana there?”

“Would you like her? How about on the house for helping me?”

That…was exceedingly generous. “I don’t think that’s a very fair trade. You must’ve put in hours on her.”

“Oh, you are sweet despite your look.” Taking out a white paper, she wrapped up ‘Diana’ and set her carefully in a little paper bag. She held the bag out to Joseph, “All yours, dear. Enjoy.”

Joseph still felt like he was winning here but he took the bag anyways. If she wanted to give her away then it was fine with him. He pointed back at what he came here for as he set down Diana and took out his wallet. Twenty-seven it was. He just got a free hand sculpted figurine. “Can you bag that for me?”

“My pleasure,” she said with a smile as she carefully picked it up while her husband gave Joseph his change. “Here you go.”

Taking the larger bag, he carefully placed Diana on top of the succulent before grabbing his sunflower. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, dear. Hope to see you again!”

He caught up with his mother as she was buying peaches and nectarines. “Make sure you pick white peaches too.” His eye caught on a funky shaped peach. Picking it up after carefully tucking his sunflower under his arm, Joseph asked his mother “What’s this?”

“A donut peach. I got a couple of them already. They’re good.” She looked at his arms curiously. “What’d you find yourself?”

Setting down the peach, he handed her the flower. “Actually, this is for you. Thought you’d…like some sunshine.”

His mother’s smile brightened to a megawatt non-energy saver lightbulb as she accepted his gift. “I love it. It’s beautiful.”

Catching her smile because how could he not, he raised the bag a little. “Thank you gift for a…friend and a little dragon thing for me.”

Her brow raised impeccably high at the word friend but she asked nothing as she handed over the bag of fruit she had picked to get weighed. “Dragon, huh?”

“Just a figurine,” he answered as she paid. “Can we grab lunch before we go home?”

After lunch and reaching home, Joseph took a quick shower because Henrietta was hot as fuck before he grabbed the bag with the succulent to go give it to its recipient. He was half way down his stairs when he remembered that Diana was still in there. He bounced back to his room and took her out, taking a moment to look her over. The resemblance to his Diana was freaky as fuck and he didn’t appreciate the eyes that were staring at him like they were more than just painted on. Carefully wrapping her back up, he placed her in his drawer before getting back to the task at hand.

Joseph was halfway to Swan’s room in the dorms before stopping at the turn of the hallway and peeking around the corner when he noticed…triplets? standing at someone’s door. There was literally three identical men standing in the hall, waiting for the person to open their door.

What the fuck.

The men received no answer and looked pissed with this discovery, discussing something furiously amongst themselves before-

Shit, they were coming his way.

There was no time to get out of sight so instead, Joseph decided to make it seem like he was just coming around the corner, walking past them in the coolest of cool cucumber attitudes that he could manage. The men paid him no mind, still lost in their furious annoyance. When they were out of sight, Joseph paused for a moment and stared at the door they had been knocking at. He had no idea whose room this was but nobody wanted creepy triplets knocking.

Interesting. Maybe he’d ask Swan if he’d ever seen those guys before.

Coming to a stop at Swan’s door, he knocked and prayed that the roommate was out. Joseph couldn’t stand the guy and his need to make Joseph listen to his scriptures and God knew what. It wasn’t enough that Joseph was Orthodox, no, because he was apparently part of the wrong religion.

The door opened.

Fuck.

“Oh hi! How are you?” John asked with a smile so bright that Joseph was blinded. And not in the nice blinded sort of way that his mother caused. “Come to hear more of my lessons?”

Dear fucking God, nooooooo. “Uh, nah, I’m looking for Swan.”

“Oh! Finlay! He’ll be back in a minute. He went to shower but that was more than a half hour ago. His showers never last for longer than forty-two minutes.”

Joseph was suddenly scared on Swan’s behalf. How could he handle living with this guy? “Ah, well, I’ll be back in a few then.”

“No, no! Please! Come in! I was just reading about the Lord and his beautiful message. Why don’t you join me?”

“Uh…no, thanks,” Joseph replied, trying to not let his face make a disgusted look. It wasn’t nice to mock people’s beliefs, he wasn’t even the type because that was fucked, but it wasn’t nice to shove your religion down people’s throats either. “I’ll be back.”

“Kavinsky?”

He spun around and found a freshly showered Swan in a pair of shorts and a tank top and holding his little shower caddy. “Swan. Came looking for a visit.”

Swan looked curious but that constipated kind of curious like he was trying to hide it. “Yeah, come in,” he said as he walked past Kavinsky and John into the room. “John give us a few minutes, man.”

“Of course! I’ll just take my book with me.”

Once John had thankfully disappeared and Joseph had shut and locked the door behind him, Joseph asked “How the fuck do you deal with him?”

Snorting in amusement as he put his stuff away before dropping down onto his bed, he laughed “I think about how lucky I am not to have Charles call me Chuck.”

Charles call me Chuck was a fucking nightmare. Poor Jiang. “So fucking true. Still, I don’t think I could handle religion being constantly shoved down my throat.”

“I learned to tone him out,” Swan shrugged. “So what’s up?”

Placing the bag with the succulent garden in it on his desk, Joseph said “That’s for you. A thanks of a sort, I guess.”

Getting up and stepping over to his desk, Swan stuck his hand in and pulled out the pot. He admired it for a few minutes of silence before a small smile grew on his face and he placed it carefully beside the little cacti he had in the window. “Damn, thanks, man.” He rubbed his hand along the pot. “Love this glaze.”

Joseph knew nothing about glazes but said “Hand glazed by a lovely little Asian lady.”

“Yeah? Damn. I love it, thanks. Seriously.” He touched the leaves of each plant carefully, being gentle to not break or damage them. “I really like it.”

“So…” Joseph trailed because now that he thought about it, him and Swan had never exactly shared quality time without any of the other guys being around.

Swan bounced back onto his bed with a smirk like he knew that Joseph had no idea how to carry a normal conversation. “Prokopenko was worried about you last night.”

Well that was sweet. “He doesn’t need to,” Joseph shrugged as he leaned up on Swan’s desk. “I’m fine.”

A huge snort erupted from Swan as he rested his hands behind his head. “I’m going to act like I didn’t hear that last part that’s such bullshit for your benefit. And I told him he didn’t need to, also a lie because you’re a mess, but he said something about calling you or whatever.”

Joseph decided to just let Swan’s shit talk slide. “I haven’t got any calls from-” he paused as he took out his phone that buzzed insistently in his pocket, “Well there you go. Hello?”

“Hola,” came Proko’s voice over the line, “You busy? Take me to lunch.”

“Now that’s no way to ask,” he couldn’t help but laugh as he sat down in Swan’s desk chair and spun himself. “Where’s those manners, Sasha?”

“Stuck so far up my ass that I can’t find them. I want Good Burger.”

If he didn’t stop spinning, he’d end up throwing up. And he was more than sure that Swan was just about sick of him throwing up on or near him by now. “Why can’t you buy your own fucking burgers? Why do I have to pay?”

“Because you’re sweet.”

Breaking into laughter because _bullshit_ , Joseph said to Swan “Proko says I’m sweet.”

Swan choked on his laughter, covering his face as he did. “Oh my God, he’s fucking delusional!”

“Swan says you’re delusional,” Joseph notified, pulling a pencil from Swan’s little pencil thingy so he could doodle on the desk. “You gonna take that?”

“After I eat, I’ll deal with him,” Proko laughed, “Now take me to fucking lunch since you’re apparently already around. Let’s go, go, go, on a fucking adventure.”

“You’ve been watching too much Cat in the Hat,” he snorted while working on a dragon. It was stuck in his head now.

“The sad part is that you knew what that was.”

“Shuttup and get fucking dressed. I’ll be right there.”

“Good because me and you are going to plan big shit. Big shit.”


	79. Chapter 78

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Should I say warning for talks of suicide? I think you guys pretty much expect this kind of stuff by now  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I guarantee you, Joseph, that there is nothing more painful, more heavy, or more horrible to put on your shoulders than someone’s life."_

“I’m sorry, what?” Joseph said in surprise. This idiot couldn’t be serious, could he?

Prokopenko was practically leaned over their entire table at Good Burger in his eagerness, his eyes alight with excitement. “C’mon! It’ll be perfect! You know how pissed Viktor would be with me if I do? Do you understand how badly I need to piss this man off?”

Rubbing his face because even he didn’t want to purposefully get arrested, Joseph dropped his hands back to the table and stared into those damn hazels. “So your big shit that we need to plan is getting you arrested. That’s your big fabulous idea. I mean, Jesus, no one ever said that you’re smart.”

His friend just rolled his eyes like he didn’t have time for Joseph’s insults. “I’m telling you, it’d be perfect. It’d piss Viktor off so much!”

“Yeah, and it’d land your ass in jail and go on your fucking life record, you idiot. Why would you want that just to piss him off?” Sure, Joseph had been arrested once and had been ‘warned’ a gazillion times but seriously? Who the fuck purposefully wanted to go to jail?

It seemed Joseph’s pettiness was nothing compared to Prokopenko’s.

Annoyance was finally starting to show on Prokopenko’s face. “I didn’t expect you to go against me on this. Like at a-”

“It’s fucking stupid!” he couldn’t help but interrupt. “Think about it!”

Leaning back into his seat and narrowing his eyes, Prokopenko snorted “As opposed to every single fucking stupid ass idea you’ve ever had?”

“Actually, yeah.”

Sighing and shaking his head as he turned to look out the window, Prokopenko said softly “I’ve got like literally no one in my life left, man. I got Skov and I got you. Jiang and Swan are awesome guys but there’s a lot of shit that I’d never tell them. Hell, there’s stuff I’d tell you before I ever told Skov. This is something I need _you_ on.”

Wow, playing the guilt card now. That was fucking low. “Unless you can explain to me such a fantastic reason why you need to piss off Viktor so much, then I’m not helping. Go rob a fucking bank and then get your ass arrested for all I care.”

Proko said nothing as he continued to stare out the window before turning back to the last of his food. They finished the meal in silence – Joseph only having fries because what the fuck was eating – and didn’t speak again until they were back in Joseph’s car. Finally, Prokopenko murmured “He fucking ruined my life.”

Fuck, did that sound familiar or what? But he had to be honest here, didn’t he? No one ruined Joseph’s life except his own faggot existence. “I see.”

“You know how hard it is to only have two people in your life, two people who are everything to you, only to lose it all? To be taken from it all? Can you even imagine that?”

Kind of yeah, he thought he could. “So what?” Joseph asked as he started the car and decided they could go hang at the fairgrounds. Maybe it was finally time for another round of truths. “He wouldn’t let you see your grandmother anymore or something?”

Resting his head on the window, Prokopenko murmured “I never even met Viktor until I was thirteen, dude. My life _was_ my grandmother. She’s the one who raised me.”

Holy fuck, that was something he wouldn’t have even guessed. Definitely not something Proko had even ever mentioned. “So…you don’t call him dad not for the same reason as me?” Joseph had always just figured that like him, Prokopenko called his father by name because he was upset with him. And while there seemed to be a little truth to that, it wasn’t the entirety of it apparently.

“He’s never been anything fatherly to me. Why the fuck would I give him the title when I didn’t even know him? And when we finally got in touch, he flipped my whole life upside to make space for him. How’s that fair?”

Switching lanes and speeding up because people were so fucking slow, Joseph asked “Proko, why are you here?”

“Because Viktor and his bitch couldn’t put up with my outbursts. My moods. My depression. So she had this _brilliant_ idea of sending me here. Fuck her, man, fuck her. I lost my world and they just expected me to get up on my feet and be fine.”

“They didn’t try and help you with your depression?” Wasn’t that what people did? Joseph’s family was crap and they had done that for him. His mother _still_ did that for him. “I’ve been fighting depression since eight and I can’t think of a single time my family didn’t try to help me. I just kind of figured that’s what families did.”

What he said must have been monumental because Prokopenko’s eyes flew wide as he stared at Joseph in shock. “Eight? What kind of eight year old has depression?”

Joseph shrugged because after all these years, depression and anxiety were just a part of him. He was used to it and that was weird as fuck. It was all just a part of being the fucked up mess that was Joseph Kavinsky. “I…” Fuck, was he really going to peel back another one of his layers? But this was Proko and, well, he really liked him so… “I…I have an anxiety disorder and chronic panic attacks.” There, that was easy to get out. Opening up, right? Easy. The delusional kind of easy but still. “I don’t have them as bad as I had as a child but I think the drugs are just fucking up my already fucked up system. Depression just kind of…dropped in to join the party, I guess.”

_Plus, you know, circumstances didn’t exactly help my case. I may or may not have been kidnapped… Twice. And well, my father used to scare the crap out of me, my nightmares are more real than yours could ever be, and, oh hey, my grandfather was sniped in front of a restaurant and…should I go on?_

His friend shook his head like the thought just wouldn’t enter his brain as Joseph took the exit for the fairgrounds and drove down the long road. “I can’t believe mobster dad used to help. I can’t believe children can be depressed. What the fuck, man.”

It was kind of funny how no one seemed to believe that Ivo had been a good father. Sure, he had some issues but to Joseph, especially after eight, Ivo had been great. “He’s helped me through a lot of things. Of course, I have to give my mom more credit because she’s put up with even more, especially since we got here.” Pausing and gnawing at his lip, Joseph murmured “Two suicide attempts aren’t exactly the easiest to deal with.” She hadn’t found him for the second and really, thank God that she hadn’t. She’d found him bleeding before and that had been bad enough for her. “That’s not even counting the one years ago back home. Sometimes, it seriously ama- what?”

Prokopenko was staring at him with such a painful and sorrowful panicked look that it had thrown off all of Joseph’s thoughts as he pulled into the fairgrounds dirt lot. He parked and shut off the car and waited for what his fellow Slav had to say because getting out of the car would just ruin the moment. After what felt like millennia, Prokopenko said softly “I-I’ve seen the scars but I never…I mean…fuck, man.” It surprised Joseph when Proko covered his face and whispered in a carefully steady voice “Fuck.”

“It’s not a huge deal, Proko. I mean…obviously, I lived all three times and honestly, I don’t even know if I should count the first time. I don’t think I really grasped the meaning at eight but-”

“Please shut up.”

Okay, so…this seemed like a sensitive topic. How many layers of Sasha Prokopenko had he not yet seen? He was such a complex person that intrigued Joseph to no end. “Um…like shut up in general or change the topic?”

“Why?”

“Why…what? Change the subject? Because honestly I really don’t want to just sit-”

“No, why have you tried to kill yourself?”

That…was extremely personal and Joseph wasn’t sure he could talk about something so serious. He never had. Hell, even Emilio had never known about Joseph’s first time with a knife in his shower. If his bestest friend in the world had never known the depth of Joseph’s pain…how could he bring himself to just…open his soul to this guy? Granted, this guy was a great guy and Joseph happened to really like him but fucking still, you know? “That’s a little too deep for me to go digging for, Sasha.”

Prokopenko nodded as he ran his gaze over Joseph’s face. “Fair enough,” he murmured, “How about the how?”

Joseph shrugged easily; there was nothing exciting about that. “Knife, pills, knife. Just plain old boring.”

“Suicide isn’t a fucking joke,” Prokopenko suddenly snapped with such a fire burning in his eyes. “So don’t fucking make it like it is.”

“Who’s the one who’s tried unsuccessfully three times? I’m pretty sure I know.”

Nostrils flaring and eyes blazing, Prokopenko hissed angrily “It’s a little different when it’s someone else. Don’t make it a joke or I’ll take your stupid fucking gun and put a bullet between your eyes.”

His brows went high in surprise. Lord, what he’d do to dig this secret out of Prokopenko’s layers. “Okay. I get it. Now, I think we were supposed to talk pissing off daddy banker?”

Slouching into his seat angrily, Prokopenko snorted “Sometimes, you seriously disgust me.”

“Well, that’s nothing new for me being that I disgust myself constantly. It’s whatever nowadays. You don’t want to talk suicide? Then let’s move on.”

“How can something so serious and painful just be nothing to you?”

“Maybe I’m just sick of feeling pain.”

Prokopenko shook his head and stared down at his hands, picking under his nails with intense focus. “You ever lost somebody that you loved? Like really really loved?”

Images of his smiling wonderful grandfather flashed in his mind. The sound of his hearty laugh, the intensity of his hugs, the wonderful scent of his cologne. “Yeah, yeah, I have.”

“How much did it hurt?”

Ha. Fuck that question. How much did it hurt? Lord knew. “Bad. I took it…really really hard. I was depressed for months. Hell, its why you and me are the same grade even though I’m older. I couldn’t handle the world so I shut down. Missed school and even life.”

“Now,” Prokopenko whispered like he couldn’t handle saying what he was going to say next aloud, “Imagine, Joseph Kavinsky, what it’d be like if that person had been killed and hadn’t just died.”

Shoving down the pain of losing his grandfather, he stared at his hands as he fiddled with his fingers and replied quietly “He _was_ killed. Shot. Right through his brain.”

Fingers froze their picking as Prokopenko processed these words before he picked up his head and turned sorrowful eyes at Joseph. “Now imagine if he had been killed not by some horrible person’s hand but by his own. Imagine if you had lost whoever this was because he decided that enough was enough. Can you imagine that?”

Not exactly but he could put an image to it. His mother’s tear streaked face with her raw red nose was exactly that, wasn’t it? Because she had almost gone through what Prokopenko was trying to get at. “I…guess so, yeah. Maybe.”

“It hurts a thousand times more than what you felt. Instead of being depressed for months, you probably would have crashed into years. Missed two years of school instead of one. Missed so much of life because someone you loved decided that they wanted to miss the rest of theirs. Do you get it now? Do you get why speaking so…plainly like its nothing matters to people on the outside of experiencing it personally?”

“You experienced it on the outside, didn’t you.”

Tears filed Prokopenko’s wide-set eyes as he replied with nothing but silence. Wiping them away, he threw the door open and snorted “I believe we were going to come up with something to royally piss off Viktor?”

Nodding to himself in the silence of the car, Joseph got out and slammed his door shut, walking to join Proko who had already walked off over to the futon. Plopping down beside him, he asked like they hadn’t just had a seriously deep convo “So what’s the plan, Sherlock?”

“You know who always had good plans? Elrond. Elrond was good with plans. Gandalf too but hell, no one could beat Elrond’s. Not that anyone ever listened to him, goddamn them.”

A huge smile grew on Joseph’s face as he lounged back and lit a cigarette. Look at Proko making references! Good for him. There was hope yet left in the world. “God fuck, ain’t that the damn truth! Fucking idiots _never_ listened to Elrond. And you’d think they would! He’s literally one of the greatest elves and yet, nooooo. Can’t listen to him. Just like me, dammit.”

Prokopenko broke into laughter, choking on the smoke of his blunt. “Do _not_ liken yourself to Elrond. Dude, your plans are bullshit! As if you have Lord Elrond’s wisdom. Ha!”

There was this lightness that invaded his shadowed heart in making Prokopenko feel better. He missed this feeling. “Fuck you! My plans are brilliant. Just like Elrond, man. The fuck do you know.”

“Everything,” Prokopenko snorted in amusement as he blew smoke rings. “Like that. See? You can’t do that. You a lame ass.”

Sadly…he couldn’t do it. No matter how much Joseph practiced, he just couldn’t do it. He didn’t know why; he studied like fuck but he just couldn’t do cool smoke shit. Maybe there was something wrong with his tongue? Hell, maybe it was because of his piercing. “Fuck you,” he muttered.

“Am I your type? Emilio is a Hispanic name, isn’t it? I ain’t Hispanic, man.”

He wanted to get angry and yell but for some reason…he just laughed. And it felt _good_. “He’s Puerto Rican and no, you are so not my type if I was a fag.”

The dig must have bothered Prokopenko but he said nothing of it as he laughed “You calling me ugly, jackass?”

He’d admit to nothing. “Viktor like fags? If not, we get Jiang to kiss you to piss him off. That’s an Elrond worthy plan, yeah?”

There was a quick shadow across Proko’s face but it left as quickly as it came. “Definitely not Elrond worthy. Try harder.”

Taking a long drag and blowing out the smoke, Joseph took a minute to try and think of something. But hell if he actually had something. “Honestly, dude, I ain’t got shit. Especially not while coming off a high. Best bullshit ideas come with drugs.”

“Doubt it. You had a brain before drugs.”

Yeah, once upon a fucking time. “Does he follow your Instagram?”

“No but I’m sure he looks in. I’m way too lazy to turn that shit private.”

Shaking his head in disappointment, Joseph snorted “Proko, you literally just have to click a virtual switch.”

Shrugging because he apparently didn’t feel like making his own point, Prokopenko replied “Why you asking?”

“Well, how about we just record you doing something dangerous and post it? That way you get to be stupid but not arrested.”

Looking like he was seriously considering the idea, Prokopenko asked “How about something with your gun? Show me how to shoot a few rounds? That’d be good, right?”

It was both stupid and dangerous. Especially since it was a dream gun and could quite possibly have a hidden fault. Not that Joseph thought that it did because he’d used it a billion times by now – even dreaming up its own silencer – and it’d never malfunctioned. He’d even looked it over and compared it with the schematics of the same real live model that he’d found in a book.

As per usual, his work was perfect.

“Could work actually. Ooooh,” he said suddenly with a smile, “How about Russian Roulette?” He’d never done it himself but hey, if Prokopenko joined him, he’d probably give it a try. “What do you think?”

With his brows scrunched in worry, his friend rubbed his chin as he thought. Maybe that was a stretch to how much dangerous stupidity he wanted to commit. “I…look, I know you’ll probably laugh at me but…I’m way too chicken shit for that. No way.”

Honestly, Joseph was pretty chicken shit about it too but he’d never admit it. “Okay, well, how about a fake version? We just make it look like you’re playing to freak him out.”

“Like take the bullets out?”

“Yeah and then easy peasy.”

“That…” Prokopenko murmured as he considered it some more, “That I just might get behind. Lemme see it?”

He sounded nervous and Joseph sure as hell didn’t blame him but nonetheless, he got up and walked over to his car. Pulling his door open, he stuck his hand under the seat and pulled out his gun.

His gun.

Yeah, he wasn’t as comfortable with that phrase as one might think.

Walking back to Prokopenko, he held it out to him. “Here you are. Enjoy.”

Prokopenko’s hand was hesitant but after a minute, he slowly stuck his hand out and grasped the gun. “The…safety’s on, right?”

“Yup and I used the entire magazine last time and haven’t reloaded it so you’re good.”

The words put Proko at ease as he nodded and gazed down at the gun in his hands. “It’s way heavier than I thought.”

“That’s what she said,” Joseph laughed as he walked back to his car, having left his door open. There were animals around and once he’d found a squirrel searching around in his Evo. He didn’t need a repeat. It’d taken forever to get that little bastard out.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Proko called out. “You ever clean this thing? Aren’t you supposed to do that?”

“Beats me,” Joseph called back, deciding to grab his homework from his bag in the trunk while he was here. Might as well do it. He was behind on an essay for science and needed to get it finished. He’d already not turned in an essay for English. He really seriously couldn’t fuck up his grades. Maybe he’d just write out the English one too and turn it in late. If he was lucky, the teacher wouldn’t mind taking it.

Hopefully.

“How are you supposed to take out the magazine? Don’t I have to like…twist or pull or…” Prokopenko fell silent as he, Joseph figured, worked on getting the magazine out. He didn’t have to tell the guy not to point the thing at himself, did he? Plus, it was empty and the safety was on. Proko would be fine. “Oh, I think I got it. Wait, no. The fuck? This is not my forte, man. Maybe…”

Joseph wanted to laugh and explain that it truly wasn’t his either despite how much he tried to show off but he was cut off with a loud _bang_ before he had a chance to speak. His hand froze on his trunk, about to close it, as he glanced over towards the futon. The gun was empty, it shouldn’t have fired. “Proko?”

It was stupid to panic because he _knew_ that everything had to be fine but it worried him when he didn’t get an answer. His friend just had to be too focused and not paying attention. “Prokopenko?”

No answer.

Slamming his trunk shut and dropping his bag onto the dirt, he tried not to run over because he’d look like a worried idiot as he went back over to the futon couch. “Proko? Fucking Sasha, man, answer me you ass.”

It wasn’t until he reached the futon that he realized that no answer would be coming.


	80. Chapter 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> His World was a Nightmare has officially hit 2000 hits! I call that an accomplishment y'all because it's kind of hard to get people to read a plainly Joseph story. Woot for us! In celebration, a large Snapshot will be coming soon!
> 
> As for the other two Snapshots, one will be ready by Sunday and the other maybe too. We'll see what I can push out. I'm trying to get this story done and I'm actually pretty close to the Dream Thieves arc up to where I've written. The plan is to have everything written and posted by the end of Nov. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> Enjoy this flashback
> 
> _"No one can hide from themselves even if they hide from the world.”_

_“What was it like the first time you took a life?”_

_His father blinked at him in surprise, completely frozen from the question as he sat at his desk in his office doing whatever it was that he did. Honestly, Joseph never figured that mobsters had so much damn paperwork but it made sense. They had to keep track of everything, didn’t they? “What?”_

_Walking over in his too big sleep pants because not only was he in that awkward stage of growth but he was also too thin for clothes, Joseph grabbed the small round accent table in the corner that they used as a stool sometimes and dragged it over. Placing it beside his father in his amazing leather chair that Joseph loved, he sat down and repeated “What was it like the first you took a life?”_

_Those nice eyebrows of his were still way up high on his forehead, his hair an utter mess because he must have been running his hand through it, and his clothes were rumpled from the sleep he must not have found that caused him to come down to work at two-thirty in the morning. “I don’t think I heard you right.”_

_“No, you did,” Joseph assured while pulling his sleeves over his hands as if having a longer sleeved shirt would make him warmer. The heat was on but the house was still cold. He blamed the stupid tile flooring that covered the entire bottom floor except in the entertainment room. His father’s office had a different kind of tile but it was still cold as Siberia tile. Also, it probably didn’t help that Joseph didn’t exactly have much meat on his bones. “What was it like?”_

_Picking up his phone and checking the time before setting it back down, his father said slowly “It’s almost three in the morning and…you came down to ask me about…killing people.”_

_“Uh, no, I came down and asked what the first was like. It’s not like I was sleeping anyways.”_

_“’Course not,” his father muttered as he leaned back in that super comfy chair as he sighed. “I mean, why would you sleep?”_

_Starting to shiver because his bare feet – he had lost his socks somewhere in the abyss of his bed – were touching the cold tile which was sucking out his entire lifeforce, Joseph snorted “Don’t act like I have a choice in it. Trust me, I’d sleep if I could.” God, if only. Now that would be the life._

_His father shook his head as he got to his feet and disappeared out the door. Joseph thought that this was his way of showing that his question was rejected but a second later, he found a fluffy throw blanket being wrapped around his shoulders. “Thanks,” he laughed as he bounced out of his seat and stole his father’s. “Yours is better. More cushion for my lack of butt,” Joseph explained as his father raised a brow of ‘seriously’ before taking Joseph’s former seat. “So…”_

_Rubbing his hands together – not from the cold – his father nodded softly to himself before he replied quietly “That’s a hell of a question to have in the middle of the night.”_

_“Well, I didn’t exactly just come up with it, I’ve been thinking of asking for a while.”_

_He nodded again before asking “Where’d the question come from?”_

_Biting his lip as he thought of how to answer, Joseph hoped that his admission wasn’t going to get him into trouble right now. “I…may have read a book that wasn’t exactly…my age appropriate about an assassin a few weeks ago-”_

_“And what have we said about that?”_

_Ugh, grounding, here he came. Playing with a fraying string coming out of the fluff of the throw and not daring to face his father’s gaze, Joseph said softly “That if I’m getting books alone, you guys are putting the trust that I stick to where I should. But it didn’t have anything bad; just a lot of gore and violence-”_

_“That’s not the point and you know it.” Joseph looked up when there was a tap on his head to get his attention and found his father’s disappointed gaze examining him closely. “I know that you’re not going and getting some porn-filled stories but I also know what adult novels can have in them, even if they’re thrillers or action or whatever. They’re adult level for a reason, meaning?”_

_“They’re not for me,” Joseph finished with a whisper as he lowered his gaze again. Even mobsters couldn’t face his father’s gaze so how was Joseph expected to? “Sorry.”_

_With a sigh, his father said “I want whatever books you’ve gotten recently. For every word that I deem not your age, we add a minute to your grounding from getting books. Fair?”_

_Technically yes but Joseph knew he was so fucked. There wasn’t explicit sex or anything in the books he had gotten but there were definitely questionable things in there. “Yeah.”_

_“Alright, now that that’s out of the way, tell me about this assassin.”_

_“So…” Joseph murmured as he drew up his legs under the blanket, “he obviously kills a lot of people and there’s like stuff about how it doesn’t really affect him anymore. But then there was this part where he remembered his first because of something going on in the story and how hard it was for him the first time so…I guess I was just curious how…you handled it.” To say that he was comfortable with knowing that his father had, and still did for all he knew, killed people was the biggest lie of the century. It was…scary. Incredibly disturbing._

_“You know I don’t like talking about these things with you…” his father started and Joseph set himself up for disappointment because that was never a good way to start a conversation, “but…I suppose…I can share something like this because of the…emotionality of it.”_

_“Really?” Joseph asked, his head flying up in delighted surprise. He totally thought that he’d be shot down._

_His father nodded as he looked lost in his head. “The first time I killed someone, I was eighteen and had been here for maybe…five months. I had started working for your grandfather by then and he wanted to see how I’d handle…more intricate sort of things. I was assigned to get this intricate thing done with this guy who I didn’t like at all but in respect for the man who was willing to give me a chance, I kept my mouth shut.”_

_Joseph’s mouth opened before he even considered his words. “I didn’t know you knew how to do that.”_

_He slapped his hand over his mouth the minute the words were out but it was too late. Thankfully his father just laughed as he continued. “Hilarious, brat. Anyways, so even when I was fleeing Bulgaria, I was lucky enough to never have needed to kill someone. And the assignment your dyádo put me on wasn’t even supposed to be dangerous. But situations change fast. Point is, in order to save my life, I had to take someone else’s. And that was and is the hardest thing to ever do because no one has the right to make those types of choices for people.”_

_Softly taking Joseph’s hands in his, his father said “It’s not within our right to decide who lives and dies. That’s in God’s hand and that decision only lies with Him. Now, obviously, circumstances happen where we challenge this, where I’ve challenged this many times over. We as human beings don’t get to decide who lives or who dies because it’s all already written for us. The minute we’re even a thought in our parents’ minds, God has the story of our lives finished and signed. What happens is meant to happen and will happen. It’s wrong of us to change and challenge that.”_

_“But people do,” Joseph pointed out, “People always do because that’s just the way they are. We may have our stories written but once we begin to comprehend life and our story, our books become free will and we make choices that change our lives. God doesn’t expect people to go kill each other but we do because humankind crave that power.”_

_His father shook his head in disbelief and laughed before pressing a kiss onto Joseph’s forehead. “You’re way too wise for a preteen, brat. Jesus fuck.”_

_“I’ll take that as a compliment.”_

_“It is one,” his father snorted in amusement, still grasping Joseph’s hands. “Now, as you so beautifully put it, people change the course of their stories and the stories of other people. Hell, think about the death penalty. Who gave a judge the right to decide who lives and who dies? Who are they to decide that?”_

_Joseph bit his lip and murmured “But…who gave…like…someone…someone…”_

_“Like me,” his father finished softly, knowing that Joseph couldn’t and wouldn’t say the words himself. “Who gave someone like me that right, right?” Joseph nodded. “No one. And each and every death that I have caused is written in my own story for me to be judged on them when my time comes. I have absolutely no right to make those decisions. But I make them anyways.”_

_“So knowing all this,” Joseph said, gazing into his father’s eyes that spoke volumes of stories that Joseph hoped one day he could unlock, “and being that you did come from a religious family and are religious yourself…those deaths sit hard on your shoulders, right?” That…had to mean his father was a good person, didn’t it? It meant that he felt bad?_

_“I guarantee you, Joseph, that there is nothing more painful, more heavy, or more horrible to put on your shoulders than someone’s life. You took what wasn’t yours, what you had no right to, you took it and you threw it away. And that is the worst possible thing that will ever sit on a person’s shoulders.”_

_“But you still do it,” Joseph couldn’t help but accuse in a sad voice. If it hurt so much… “None of that seems to stop you.”_

_Holding onto Joseph’s hands even harder and scooting closer, his father replied “I haven’t done it personally in a long while but, yes, I do still do it. I still take something that I have no claim to, even if I’m just the one giving the green light. If you asked me to name each and every person that I’ve had a hand in killing, I’d be able to tell you every name because God’s going to ask me who the fuck do I think I am to take away these people from him. Now, can I say with a truthful heart that I feel guilty for every single one of those names?” his father shook his head, “No. I can sit here and tell you that I truly did find satisfaction in killing some of those people. Is that wrong of me? Yes. Completely. But that doesn’t change the truth.”_

_“Did you feel satisfaction in killing the first time?”_

_With a sorrowed laugh, his father released Joseph’s hands and clasped his own together, bracing his arms on his knees. “No. I shot him and…he splattered quite a lot. I stood there and stared at what I’d done and then dropped on my knees and begged God to forgive me as I cried my eyes out. It didn’t matter that I had to do it in order to save my life. In my mind, right that minute, all I knew was that I had just taken something that I had absolutely no right to. After a million prayers of forgiveness, I begged whatever family this man may have had to forgive me, threw up, and moved on.”_

_Wrapping his hands around his drawn up legs, Joseph asked “Is he the death that sits heaviest on your shoulders?”_

_“He’s the one who keeps me awake at night. Him and number two, they always seem to be knocking on my door and asking me not to forget them. And I never will and never can. The first and second time you ever take a life are the hardest ones that sit with anyone.”_

_“I…read once that every time you take a life, you lose a part of yourself.”_

_Sadness shadowed his father’s face as he bit his lip and nodded. “Every time you take one of God’s children of whom aren’t there for your taking, you lose a bit of what makes you a beautiful person. Tiny little angels are inside you chipping away at your heart every time you kill someone. Your assassin said that he’s numb to the killing. Maybe I just haven’t killed enough people but I don’t find this to be true. And I never want it to be.”_

_“Why? Wouldn’t it just make it easier for the job?”_

_“Because if I stop feeling or caring when I kill someone, it means that my little angels managed to chip away every single piece of my heart. And that’s more terrifying than any brush with death that I’ll ever face. My mind may be what makes me different from animals but it’s my heart that makes me human.”_

_It was a nice way to put it. “But it’s that heart that makes it hurt every time.”_

_Taking Joseph’s hands again, his father said in a steady voice “It’s our punishment for taking what isn’t ours. May you never ever have to bear the sort of weight that I have on my shoulders. Because taking a life, Joseph, is the worst thing you could ever do. And while those angels chip at your heart as the price, you will be ripping your mind apart as your due. You’ll wish that God never even wrote your book and gave you life as you sit there over this person whom you’ve ripped from the world. Once you take that fatal step, there’s never a way to go back.”_

_“Because you’re tainted,” Joseph whispered in response. There was no way he could keep his mouth shut because it just…sounded right to his father’s words. “Like…there’s a difference between someone who’s never had a sip of alcohol and someone who’s had that sip but never touched it again. It’s not the same. You’ve already been changed.”_

_Pressing another kiss on Joseph’s forehead and pulling him into a hug, his father whispered back “May you never be changed in that aspect. God only knows where your life is going to take you, my beautiful child, but only you have your hand in death. And may your hand never have to find itself in such a horrible situation. I don’t want angels chipping away at your heart and putting names down on your list. Death sits hard on everyone’s shoulders. Death caused by you? Sits harder than anything else ever will.”_

_“Anything at all?” His father clutched him even tighter like he could stop the angels from invading Joseph’s body to await at his heart or the demons from entering his mind and helping him rip himself into pieces. “Tatko?”_

_“Anything at all, Joseph,” his father answered, “Anything at all.”_


	81. Chapter 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> New Snapshot! Just some dream pack shenanigans. Go read and enjoy!  
> Madeline, your snapshot should be around this week
> 
> Also I'm pushing so that we can do this story three times a week. Here's to hoping  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“He’s not talking about shit because he’s not stupid to open his mouth when I might slam it shut.”_

To Joseph, it’d felt like years had passed before he finally picked up his head from between his knees. Of course in reality, he didn’t even think it’d been an hour yet. But when you broke down, threw up, broke down again, and threw up once more – although dry heaved was a far more appropriate description – it sure felt like much more time had flown by. Hell, the sky hadn’t even changed yet, still shining bright for this July day.

It felt wrong. Just like the wrongness of what had just happened.

Blinking at Proko and feeling as lifeless as the eyes gazing back at him, Joseph just…sat there. He wasn’t quite sure anymore how to handle emotions. How to even _have_ emotions. Sometimes the guys would laugh and say that his soul was black as the blackest fucking cup of coffee and he’d just laugh right along because he knew different about himself.

Now, though, he wasn’t so sure that he did anymore. The angels had invaded his chest the day he’d killed his father, had chipped off a huge chunk for the heavy weight of that death, and now they were back and taking the rest as payment for Prokopenko.

Sasha Prokopenko was dead and despite the fact that Joseph hadn’t pulled the trigger, he knew it was his fault.

Just like everything always was.

_“How’d you handle killing number one?” Joseph asked as he stood in the doorway of the garage. Tonight found his father trying to run from sleep working for pleasure instead of business. He’d been meaning to check to see why Joseph’s mother had trouble turning on her car sometimes. To Joseph, it felt like something wasn’t reaching quite right in the ignition box. He must be onto something because that was what his father was checking as Joseph bounced down the steps and walked over. “Tatko?”_

_“Fuck,” his father hissed as he removed his hand from holding the cover open, shaking off whatever seemed to hurt. “Goddammit.”_

_“Maybe if you weren’t doing this on zero sleep at three in the morning, you’d have more success.”_

_Picking up a tiny screwdriver from the cup holder and unscrewing the last screw holding the cover on, his father replied “Maybe if I wanted a smartass, I’d call up Yulian and chat with him. What do you think?”_

_Well, he thought that maybe the ignition box was being a bitch and making someone moody. He of course didn’t say that because, obviously, things would only be a thousand times worse so he instead murmured “Sorry.”_

_“What do you want? You’re supposed to be sleeping.”_

_Okay, someone wasn’t in a good mood for chitchat today. “Nothing. Nevermind.” He actually had been asleep this time as opposed to a few days ago but when he came down for water, he’d noticed the garage door notched open and decided to take a chance._

_Popping off the lid and tossing it onto the passenger seat, his father examined a whole lot of wires that meant nothing to Joseph but seemed to tell stories to his father. “I don’t like neverminds. You know that.”_

_Joseph did know that. His father hated when someone chickened out on their words. But Joseph didn’t think his father was up for questions right now if he was already in a foul mood. “I know but you don’t…seem in the…mood. I don’t want to bother you more, that’s all.”_

_Carefully pulling on a wire to separate it from the tangle, Joseph knew his father’s brain wasn’t around when he pulled too hard and the wire ripped. “Fuck-ing hell. Well, now it sure as hell isn’t going to be turning on.” Groaning as he tossed the wire onto the garage floor, his father rested his head on the steering wheel. “Fuck.”_

_He walked over to the wire and picked it up because Joseph had a feeling that it was important. A very very big feeling. “I’ll come back tomorrow,” he murmured as he walked back to his father sitting in the bright blue Jaguar, holding out the wire, “I think you might need this.”_

_Sighing as he shook his head against the steering wheel, his father sat up and accepted the wire. “Yeah, I definitely do.” He turned in his seat and set his feet on the cement floor. “I’d prefer you try and sleep tomorrow. Let’s try this again. What’s up?”_

_Leaning on the car door, Joseph asked “How’d you handle killing the first guy?”_

_“I thought we’ve already covered this.”_

_“No, no, like, how did you handle it afterwards? Like once all the guilt and stuff settles. When the dust in the tornado sits back down on the floor.”_

_“Ah,” his father nodded like it all made sense, “Once the dust settles.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“The dust never exactly settles, I guess. And…when it does and the silence fills your ears, you hear the beating of your heart and the chipping of the angels. Then you just…kind of feel nothing for a while.”_

_Going from begging God for forgiveness to feeling the guilt to feeling nothing sounded drastic. “Nothing at all?”_

_Nodding in full surety, his father said as he tapped where Joseph’s heart was “That’s the shock of losing a piece of your humanity.”_

He watched the blood drip from Proko’s head to the floor, a line trailing down his forehead.

_Drip_

_Drip_

_Drip_

“Nothing,” Joseph whispered as he set his chin on his knees, not even caring that his feet were in the puddle of his vomit. Who the fuck cared about disgusting shoes right now?

The dripping of blood was mesmerizing and just watching those lifeless hazels that would never glow again was…nothing. It didn’t feel like anything at all. Where was his pain? His remorse? Had his angels already chipped away all of his heart just from two kills?

Two.

He’d killed two people in his seventeen years of life. That wasn’t even counting dream boy.

A broken laugh escaped his chapped lips as he shook his head. Was he really doing this all over again? Was he really going to play God again? But what other choice did he have? None. Zip. Literally nothing. This wasn’t Jersey all over again. Fuck, it wasn’t even _close_. This was no form of ‘self-defense,’ there was no Detective Vidal to come to his rescue had he been smart and taken that route, and there sure as fuck was no way around this being his fault.

Joseph had given Prokopenko the gun.

Joseph had sworn that it was empty.

Joseph had been entirely wrong.

So what was he going to do about that?

Simple.

He’d right his wrong.

Literally, he was a sin against God. What the fuck was he even? If people didn’t have the right to take away from God, who gave Joseph the right to push the boundaries and create his own things? His own creatures? His own _people?_

With another hysteric laugh because here he was thinking about the wrongness of his living and thinking of using that power, Joseph got to his feet and glanced around. He was in the middle of an abandoned dirt lot.

And he had a body to get rid of.

That was the easy part.

Just like with Ivo, Joseph knew that best thing for his shitty mental wellbeing that didn’t even exist anymore was to not refer to the thing as a person. It needed to disappear so the new it could exist in its space. Joseph wasn’t in his room back in Jersey; there was no fast-acting acid hiding under his bed. Hopefully the forest was nice enough to let him barge in twice.

Walking over to his car while feeling as numb as his assassin from years ago, Joseph opened his door and dropped into the racing seat that molded beautifully to his body. But he couldn’t even remember enough emotion to be able to appreciate that beauty. Opening the center console, he pulled out a little container filled with bright red capsules.

Time for the heavy hitters.

Bonus fucking round, bitches.

Doing a line off the dash before he had to thrust himself into hell, Joseph took a deep breath to let his high settle in before dry swallowing the red pill of danger.

Here we go.

The red pill was weird because unlike the green, it didn’t just drop you into sleep, no, no, it took its time. It was like when Joseph had slit his wrists, attempting to die.

It took you down under slowly.

Blinking against the sudden harsh sunlight, Joseph sat up and glanced around. The forest felt suffocating in just every ounce of feeling that Joseph’s numb body couldn’t seem to conjure up. It was like his hatred and pain had taken a more physical feeling and decided that filling the forest with a suffocating heat was the best incarnation.

Getting to his feet, he glanced around as he walked. He’d made sure that what he wanted was in his head before he came in but there wasn’t a bottle of acid in sight. “This isn’t the God fucking time to be anal, you piece of shit,” he practically snarled at…well, himself. “Come the fuck on, dammit.”

The forest’s reply was to trip him flat onto his stupid ass face.

Really, he so deserved that.

“Fuck!” Joseph snapped as he dragged himself back up to his feet. He was just _angry_. His forest was infecting him with the fury and it was all he could feel. He couldn’t even find the part of him that knew other emotions. For all he knew, that was the part the angels had taken from him for taking Prokopenko away.

“I told you playing with that thing was nothing but utter foolery.”

Spinning around on furious heels, Joseph strutted up to Atanas and readied his fist to go flying. As if he had the fucking time for this piece of bullshit. He had the fucking nerve to mock him? “I’ll show you utter foolery you piece of-” Joseph froze as he tried to move his arm to no avail. Glancing down at his hand, he stared in angry fascination how a thin branch had wrapped around his wrist, holding him back. Flicking his gaze back to his prádyádo, Joseph whispered “You did that.”

Atanas didn’t bother acknowledging this and instead murmured “Why can you not seem to listen?”

The branch didn’t seem like it was letting go anytime soon but that didn’t stop Joseph’s words from lashing out. “Fuck you! Who the fuck do you think you are to judge me! You know nothing-”

“I know everything and you know that. I’m in your head, Joseph. No one can hide from themselves even if they hide from the world.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“You came here to steal. You know better.”

Laughing because how could he not, Joseph snorted “And what exactly do you think I’m supposed to do, oh great Atanas? I just killed someone. Another someone. Should I just call the cops and say ‘oh, hey, so I gave what I thought was an empty gun to my buddy and he shot himself.’ You realize I’ll get charged, right? Negligent homicide or manslaughter or whatever the fuck.” Did this bullshit just not get the seriousness of the situation right now or what? “What would you suggest I do exactly?” he added sarcastically.

“Tell the truth,” Atanas answered simply, his hands clasped all gentlemanly like in front of him. “Find the one person you trust more than anyone and tell them the truth, Joseph. Tell them everything, from hello to goodbye. Everyone needs that someone, especially dreamers, my dear child.”

Tell someone the truth? That was his brilliant fucking idea? Who the fuck was going to believe that he could pull shit from his dreams? From his God fucking nightmares? “You want me to tell someone that I’m mentally insane and killed two people. Yeah, that sounds genius. Should I tell them how I shot my father straight in his head and watched his blood and brain splatter everywhere or should I start with this new death of ours? That I killed the only fucking friend I have here from my own stupidity?”

“Tell them everything.”

“You’re insane,” Joseph said slowly in the most condescending voice that he could manage, “Completely fucking insane. And dead. So why would I even consider your opinion?”

Sadness and pity entered Atanas face and Joseph had never hated such emotions before in his entire life. “I’m trying to help you.”

“There is no help for me anymore. Do you get that?” Tapping his chest viciously with his free hand, Joseph snapped through his tears “There’s nothing left in here. It’s all ruined.”

He could tell that Atanas wanted to say more, wanted to ‘help’ more, but he just settled for shaking his head in sorrow. Stuffing a hand in the pocket of his very fancy and pristine dress pants, he pulled out something and offered it to Joseph.

The acid.

“You take this, Joseph, there’s no going back. I’m telling you, _tell someone_. Listen to me, child. _Trust me_.”

Blinking his tears away harshly, Joseph yanked the bottle out of his great-grandfather’s hand. Joseph trusted no one anymore. There was no one left to fucking trust anyways.

There was only one person in the world he trusted without a doubt and he was thousands of miles away with Joseph having closed that door years ago.

Anyways, there was no going back anymore. That option had been taken away the minute he’d dissolved his father in his shower.

Atanas shook his head, sorrow in his every movement like he wished it didn’t have to be this way. He, of course, knew Joseph’s every thought, could read them as easily as Joseph thought them. Hell, he probably could _feel_ them better than Joseph could. “There’s always a going back. You just need to find your way again.”

“Whoever told you that is the biggest liar in the world,” he snorted as he tugged at the branch that was holding him back. “You mind?” Joseph asked, pointing at his restraint.

With just a blink of thought, the branch was gone, Atanas was gone, and Joseph was alone once more.


	82. Chapter 81

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So the Snapshot is literally like 80% written, I just haven't finished it yet. It'll be going up later today so keep your eyes peeeeeled  
> This is Madeline's Snapshot that she requested about Ivo getting shot btw
> 
> Enjoy today's chpt and remember that requests and all that jazz are always opennnn
> 
> _“Hello, beautiful child, how are you?”_

If someone came and stood right where Joseph was currently standing, they’d never guess that a body had just been here only moments before. If they were the observant sort, they’d know that something had gone on because the dirt looked a little off in color but other than that?

They couldn’t guess much else.

Joseph hadn’t allowed himself to think about it, hadn’t even allowed himself to consider that the thing that he had dragged over to a large tree had been a person.

Had been a friend.

What religion Sasha Prokopenko had been in life, Joseph had no idea but he had taken the time to send him off with a Bulgarian prayer in death. There wasn’t much else he could do besides that, was there? Joseph had stolen Proko’s life; he’d told him a billion times that he was stupid to hang around Joseph, stupid to like him, and even stupider to be his friend.

That stupidity and the curse of Joseph Kavinsky had caught up with the poor Ukrainian.

Sighing because wasting time lamenting was going to get him nowhere, Joseph trudged, almost as lifelessly as the thing he had dissolved had looked only seconds ago, back to the futon couch. It was a mess now, blood covering the side the thing had been on, and would definitely need replacing or at least burning.

But for the time being, Joseph just sat down on his side of the couch and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up and closing his eyes as he leaned back into the cushion. His mind was currently in hyper mode – emotions wouldn’t be arriving until later when his body was over the shock of losing another piece of his humanity and he began the assault upon his brain.

In time. Those emotions would come in time.

For right now, they were completely useless and would only hinder what needed to be done.

It wasn’t until he had finished his smoke that he finally opened his eyes and looked to the bloody mess beside him. Dragging the gun over to himself, Joseph stared in confusion when he noticed that the safety was still firmly locked in place. “The fuck…” he muttered in confusion. Was that even possible? Quickly sliding out the magazine, he stared at the empty piece of metal in his hand.

This didn’t make sense.

Pulling back the slide, Joseph stared at the empty chamber. He let go and let it slide back into place before looking closely at the muzzle of the gun – making sure his finger was nowhere near the trigger, thank you – and blinked in confusion because he was no detective in how any of this shit worked. He’d never cleaned the gun before so there was residue build up but nothing looked fresh. But the question was…

Would he even be able to tell?

Before he’d dissolved the body of the thing, Joseph had done an examination. He couldn’t just magically make an amazing forgery without knowing what the person looked like. It’d been more uncomfortable than when he’d looked over Ivo. Ivo at least was his father and they’d, you know…showered together in life when he’d been little.

Prokopenko was this dude who he’d met almost a year ago and had never, even in his most faggish thoughts, wanted to see naked. Not that Proko was ugly but he hadn’t exactly been attractive to Joseph’s fag side either.

During the examination, Joseph had noticed that the bullet had gone all the way through. There had been an entrance wound with a minor burns marking it and an exit wound through his hair.

So where the fuck was the bullet?

Joseph set the gun down carefully on the futon before getting up and doing a quick search. That thing could have gone anywhere; bullets traveled at such high insane speeds. “I’m not going to be able to find a bullet here,” he griped as he tried to calculate the trajectory in his head. He didn’t even know which way Proko had been facing when the gun had gone off. Okay, fine, no bullet. But what about the casing? That had to be somewhere around the couch.

Dashing back over, he dropped to his knees and searched through the dirt, running his hands over the floor under, over, and around the futon.

Nothing.

Casings didn’t just disappear.

“Unless there never was one.”

Because there had never been a bullet.

“The fuck?” Joseph murmured to his own thought as he sat his ass down in the dirt. He refrained from putting his hand to his mouth like he usually did when he thought because it was covered in everything from blood to vomit to dirt and the thought of getting that disgusting mixture anywhere near his mouth was disturbing.

Incredibly so.

When he had handed over the gun, Joseph had said it was empty because he’d never reloaded it after his last use. He had said that it was empty because he had been so sure of it. He hadn’t worried because it was supposed to have been empty.

And something told him that it had been.

There were very few rules when it came to the dream world and the things that came out of it. One particular one was that outside rules didn’t generally apply. Joseph had taken out things that were supposed to use batteries that worked without them and other things that logically made zero sense.

It just so happened that apparently his gun defied common logic even though it was built exactly the way it should be. It broke the rules of the world.

Just like Joseph.

Prokopenko had been stupid for putting his finger on or around the trigger, sure, but Joseph had been stupider to assume that everything was all fine and peachy.

And he’d paid the price for that stupidity.

“Okay,” he said as he shut his eyes and nodded, “Okay.”

Okay.

He had a person to make.

  

* * *

 

Blake called Sasha again when there was still no answer to either his texts or calls. What could they be doing that was so fun that Sasha couldn’t even answer? Blake had to admit, he was a little offended right now. He was so beyond bored out of his mind and those two Slavic assholes hadn’t even invited him to have fun with them.

Jerks.

Sighing when there was still no answer, Blake rolled out of bed and grabbed his wallet and keys before leaving the boringness of his room. Maybe Swan or Jiang were up to something interesting. Blake couldn’t take just sitting anymore. Those jerks didn’t want to answer? Fine.

Totally fine.

It was annoying how he had to literally go across the entire dorms just to get to Swan’s room. Such a long freaking walk, goddammit. When he finally reached just the _stairs_ that lead to the floor of Swan’s room, Blake was dead. Reaching the actual door of his room was even worse. “Hola,” he said with a tired huff as Swan opened his door and let Blake in. “Why do you have to live so far away?”

“Seriously?” Swan snorted as he walked to his bed and bounced onto it. “You hear that, Jiang?”

“His stupidity?” Jiang murmured, focusing on whatever was on the laptop as he sat at Swan’s desk. “Yeah, I heard it.”

Blake sat on John’s bed and sent a quick prayer to God that the other boy wasn’t here. There was annoying and then there was John.

However, John would never be worse than Charles call me Chuck.

“What’re you guys up to? I’m bored, bored, booooorred,” Blake whined as he threw himself back to stare at the ceiling. He blamed Kavinsky for his whininess; it was his fault that Blake expected something interesting every minute. “Let’s do something.”

“I think we did enough yesterday,” Swan yawned as he read a magazine. At first, Blake had totally expected any of these guys to have _Sports Illustrated_ or something hiding around but his nosiness had found him nothing. Swan liked to read about motorcycles, Jiang hated to read which was apparently enough to avert him from anything with words in it, Sasha didn’t know what reading was which was ironic as hell because he loved English classes, and Kavinsky…

Actually, Blake had no idea about that guy. He’d never been in his room before. Hell, he’d never even been in his _house_. And that was just plain crazy because they all hung out all the time and no one besides Sasha had been there.

Weird.

“Man, I’ve been getting too much exercise lately,” he muttered when he remembered his mad dash yesterday. The last thing he needed was his mother finding out what he did with the guys. Oooh, he’d be so dead. “Stupid Sasha and K. Neither will answer.”

“They went to lunch or whatever,” Swan replied, turning the page.

“Dude,” Blake snorted, “it’s freaking six in the evening. What lunch?”

Swan seemed to think about this for a moment as he sat up and looked out his window. “Huh, good point. Well, they probably just got up to something.”

That was fine but Blake wanted to be included. “Then why won’t they answer?”

“You sound seriously upset by this,” Jiang laughed as he spun around in the chair to face them. “Who the fuck cares, man? No lie, Kavinsky gives me headaches sometimes. The dude is fucking weird. And bullshit, and an ass, and…more bullshit.”

“Weird?” Blake said with a shake of his head as he sat up, “No, not weird,” he was definitely all that other stuff though, “Troubled. Mentally unstable. Something completely wrong in the head. Psycho. Probably belongs in a mental inst-”

“Don’t be an ass,” Swan interrupted to Blake’s surprise. It was rare for anyone to come to K’s defense unless it was Sasha so for Swan to? The fuck. “You can’t just judge someone when you don’t know shit.”

Jiang was looking at Swan like he was the biggest idiot in the world. “Wow, you almost sound like you care. Is this all because he flinched yesterday? So his daddy used to hit him, wow. Who gives a fuck. Probably was the only thing that toughened him up. Guarantee you that he was a fucking nerd ass pussy before he got here.”

Whatever this flinching story was, it was new to Blake. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s not talking about shit,” Swan said as he cut off Jiang and his open ready to speak mouth. “because he’s not stupid to open his mouth when I might slam it shut.”

Aw, man, did Blake miss something big. Dammit. He blamed his mother.

“Great,” Jiang snorted in disgust, “Now you’re protective of him. You’re a fuck ass idiot, Swan. Kavinsky ain’t nothing but Jersey trash that would kill you the minute he got the chance. He’s that druggie that you find on the street corner, whoring themselves out for their next hit.”

Someone was in a bad mood today. Blake was about to tell Jiang to maybe lay off all the insults because he was seriously going at it when the guy wasn’t even here to defend himself but he was cut off by a ring. Looking at his phone, he smiled at the name of the best friend he’d made here and answered. “What were you doing that was so much fun without me? Rude, Sasha.”

“Sorry,” Sasha laughed. It was a laugh but it just sounded…off. Blake wasn’t sure why though because it was definitely Sasha’s voice and his funky laugh but… “Too much alcohol, man.”

“Aw, you guys were getting drunk without us? Assholes.”

“Assholes,” Jiang agreed even though he had literally just been bashing Kavinsky.

“Sorry,” Sasha laughed again. Sasha was an easy going guy and super chill which was why Blake liked him so much but…he didn’t know…something just… “But me and you can drink ourselves into a stupor if I knew where you were. Room seems to be empty.”

“You…don’t typically want to drink yourself into a stupor…” Blake trailed in confusion. Sasha just didn’t do that.

“Yeah, well, I don’t typically have my father somewhere in town so…”

Fair enough point. “Very true. Alright, me and the dudes will be right there then. You buying?”

  

* * *

 

“Where’s Kavinsky?” Finlay asked as he walked into Skov and Prokopenko’s room. He’d been expecting them both, not just one.

Prokopenko shrugged so easily like it didn’t matter. “Went home. Something about something. Dunno.”

It was Prokopenko standing in front of him but…

Huh.

The slanted shoulders were the same, the huge ears, those sparkly hazels, everything was there and right but for some reason…

It was probably nothing.

“Good riddance,” Jiang snorted because he as apparently in one of his Kavinsky hating moods. They came every once in a while. Finlay totally understood. “I don’t need added headaches, thank you.”

Skov seemed to find Kavinsky not being here as confusing as Finlay did but neither of them said anything. He sat down on his bed as he took out the plastic cups he kept underneath, making his watered beer mixture before taking a sip. “Hey Sasha? You alright?”

Blinking at them in what Finlay thought was confusion but it was…weird, Prokopenko replied as he stretched out on his bed “Yeah, why?”

“What were you and K up to?”

“Drinking,” Prokopenko laughed as he whooped. “Drinking so much. I feel kinda loopy.”

“You’re acting kinda loopy,” Finlay snorted, opening his beer where he sat on the floor in front of the dresser. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

Sitting back up with that…pliable smile on his face, he literally laughed again. Prokopenko was a laughing kind of guy who tried to see the best in situations but he didn’t laugh _this_ much. “I’m drunk. Duh.”

“And you drove back?” Jiang asked in surprise. They all knew that Prokopenko barely even drove if he’d only had a _sip_. “The fuck? I’ll kick Kavinsky’s fucking ass if he let you drive-”

“No, stupid, he dropped me off.”

“And went home?” Finlay couldn’t help but add in. This just didn’t make any sense.

Prokopenko certainly seemed to be acting drunk as he laughed again and swayed on his bed. “Yeah, went home. Well, to his house. Home’s Jersey. Duh.”

Scratching along his jaw before taking a sip, Finlay looked at Prokopenko closely. Something just wasn’t right and yet he could find nothing wrong.

What the hell?

  

* * *

 

Apparently, drunk Prokopenko was a little slow.

There were a lot of kinds of drunks – angry, sexual, fun – then there was whatever the hell Prokopenko was supposed to be. Was there a such a thing as a weird drunk? Because that was the best that Xia could come up with.

Weird.

“So what’d you guys do besides getting drunk? I called for literally hours,” Skov said, still acting like a petulant child who didn’t get his way.

Prokopenko shrugged way too easily. “We got drunk.”

“Yeah, okay, but what else?”

Slowly blinking at Skov and itching his head like he was trying to grasp his thoughts, Prokopenko replied “We…got drunk.”

Annoyance flickered onto Skov’s face as he muttered “Fine, don’t tell me.”

“But I did,” Prokopenko said in confusion, his thick brow raised impossibly high like he just didn’t get that ‘got drunk’ wasn’t a complete answer. “We-”

“Got drunk, yeah we got it,” Xia cut in because he would probably never drink again just because of how annoyingly repetitive that one line was. Goddamn. “What’d you do _while_ getting drunk?”

“We got drunk.”

“Dude,” Finlay laughed as he crunched his can in his hand and tossed it towards the trash, “I think Kavinsky fucking broke him. The hell, man.”

“I’m not broken,” Prokopenko said as he crossed his arms like he was seriously taking offense from the joke. “I’m all fixed now. All fixed now.”

They all stared at Prokopenko because he was literally too weird right now. “Did…you take any drugs by chance?” Xia asked carefully. Prokopenko didn’t take drugs, had never even wanted to try unlike Xia and Swan, but this weirdness was too much just for alcohol. “Try anything for fun?”

“We got drunk, Jiang. We got _drunk_. Just drunk. And I’m all fixed now. All fixed now.” 

 

* * *

 

_Joseph checked over this version of Prokopenko closely, first looking for physical imperfections. His head was exhausted and heavy, every part of his body ached and screamed in agony, and he was sure he could drop dead from how sick he was feeling right now. The pragmatic problem solving part of him and the numbness of losing his humanity was long gone and definitely wasn’t helped by him having to shoot two failures dead along with dissolving their bodies._

_He’d failed twice._

_Twice._

_Unlike with Ivo who Joseph had spent his entire life around, he just didn’t know Prokopenko as well. He’d given himself that half hour of looking over the body but that was all the reference he had had. As for his personality? Well, he tried his best but there was only so much a person knew about someone after almost a year of friendship. Prokopenko’s mannerisms hadn’t been too hard because they had spent so much time together but it was his mind that was the problem._

_Besides for Proko’s hate for Viktor, abhorrence of Aleksandra, and his love for his grandmother and Nicolas, Joseph didn’t know shit. He didn’t even know how the grandmother or Nicolas looked. What if those memories didn’t come back with Prokopenko again? The first forgery hadn’t even recognized Joseph so that one had to go immediately. The second was better but hadn’t known who Nicolas was and while Joseph didn’t know much, he knew that he was important to Proko. He couldn’t leave him out of his life. But there was just so little that Joseph knew about Sasha Prokopenko and well…_

_That was problem._

_However, there was literally zip that he could do about that. Joseph could only work with what he had._

_And he’d tried his best._

_Looking down at his third try, he checked the most important part – his face – to make sure that it was correct. Physically, Prokopenko was impeccable but what about everything else?_

_Softly cupping Proko’s head and patting him, Joseph whispered with as much as faith that he could conjure up because words seemed to help when they came from the dreamer “You’re all fixed now. All fixed now.”_

_Prokopenko’s eyes flicked open and blinked slowly at Joseph. The one thing he couldn’t seem to fix in all three versions was how…slow Prokopenko seemed to act. Recognition set in Prokopenko’s eyes which was one hell of a relief because that was one of the most important steps as he sat up. “Kavinsky? Dude, my head hurts like fuck.”_

_Relief was flooding through his and it made him feel even more sick than he already was. It was ironic because was relief was meant to make you feel better, not worse. “We got drunk.”_

_Rubbing his head, Prokopenko squinted for a minute while he thought. “Musta blacked out…I don’t remember shit.”_

_“We got drunk. We had lunch. We got drunk.”_

_He raised his head and stared back at Joseph and his conviction. “We got drunk.”_

_Joseph nodded. “We got drunk. Where’s your grandma?”_

_“That’s a fuck ass stupid question,” Prokopenko snorted and Joseph wanted to cry at how real that snort sounded. Thank you, thank you, thank you. “Dead. Duh.”_

_Not really a duh moment being that Prokopenko had never told him that but at least he remembered her. Good, very good. “Who’s Viktor?”_

_His forged friend’s eyes went wide like Joseph was the stupidest idiot in the world. “Man, you must’ve gotten more drunk than me. My fuck ass dad, remember?”_

_“Right, right, fuck me, man. Those damn drinks. Aleksandra’s that fucking bitch…?”_

_“Of a mother,” Prokopenko spit with venom, a fire blazing in his eyes. “Why the hell are you asking all this bull-”_

_“Nicolas.”_

_Freezing, pain flashed in Prokopenko’s eyes as he blinked harshly. “Dude, what’s with the questions-”_

_“Do you remember him?” Joseph didn’t have time for this. He needed answers so he could know if he had to get rid of this copy too. There was very little sunlight left in the day and he knew that the more he tried, the worse his body would get. Getting out this version had been bad enough and in all honesty, he wasn’t sure that he could take out another._

_This one just had to be good enough._

_“Of course I do!” Prokopenko snapped as he jumped to his feet although Joseph had to catch him because he wasn’t exactly steady. “He’s my fucking everything, jackass! You accuse me of not knowing my bestie? Are you out of your fucking mind? Fuck you! I didn’t ask if you remember Emilio! The fuck is wrong with you!”_

_One of these days, Joseph was going to need to find out why the subject of Proko’s…bestie was such a touchy one. “You’re right, I’m fucking sorry, man. Alcohol and drugs are really fucking with me, you know?”_

_Prokopenko rubbed his head harshly as he nodded in understanding. “Yeah, man, I get it. My head fucking hurts like a bitch. Damn. I never get drunk.”_

_“Must be because Viktor is in town,” he said helpfully. He hoped Proko knew that much._

_“Fuck, I know, right? Damn him.”_

_As Prokopenko began walking towards Joseph’s car, Joseph watched closely._

_He seemed almost…perfect._

_And it was going to have to be good enough._

_“All fixed now,” Joseph whispered as he followed Prokopenko, “All fixed now.”_


	83. Chapter 82

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Okay see _now_ the Snapshot is going up. I didn't want to put it up until I was happy with it
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“You know that’s called stalking, right?”_

“Finally!” Vesela shouted in glee as Joseph walked into the house. It felt like she’d been waiting for him to come home _forever_. She had thought of just calling him but having him as least annoyed as possible was important. He was so much like Ivo that it was freaky. If they were in a bad mood?

Then the whole world had to join them.

Joseph didn’t look at her as he slipped off his shoes and hung up his keys on the hook. He didn’t even bother saying hello or stop to wonder why she was waiting for him as he ever so slowly trudged passed her. Jesus, he looked terrible. Like worse than she’d seen him in a long while and that was saying something because he literally always looked terrible. “Joseph?”

Her son halted in his tracks but he said nothing, didn’t even turn around to look at her, as he waited for her to speak. Should she go up to him? Hug him? Just touch him? Sometimes, she knew that Joseph preferred physical space as much as possible. “Hey, so, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve got plans and ideas if you’re down.”

At first, she didn’t even think her words had made it to his brain from how long it took him to say something. “Oh?”

Unless she caught his attention right this second, she knew that she’d lose her chance and the little niggling in her brain was screaming at her to not lose her chance. “Yeah, so, I…impulsively bought a garbage car so we can fix it together.” It’d seemed like a brilliant idea when it came to her yesterday.

Okay, so…it was actually Ivo’s idea but he’d given it to her for use. He’d said that maybe it’d be best if they found something to keep Joseph’s hands and mind busy. Hobbies were good for the soul, he’d insisted, and were great ways for people to just…be.

The pause had been his, not her creative license with his words.

While she was a Kavinsky – Dobrev Kavinsky, mind you – cars were a complete enigma to her. She knew how to change and check the oil, check the coolant, engine fluid, and change a flat and all of that was because Ivo swore he wouldn’t marry her unless she knew how to be relatively car self-sufficient.

God, he was such a nerd.

Like, legit, she was sixteen, had snuck out and defied her father to meet the love of her life and in return received a lesson on how to change a tire. Not that Ivo hadn’t made the lesson fun or even, somehow, sexy, but still.

How many girls would stand for that?

Nikol had laughed her head off that night when Vesela had told her.

She hadn’t been laughing the day she had gotten stranded with a flat on the GW for three hours years later.

Because cars were far, but not as far as Nikol’s was, from her forte, Ivo had given her a list of cars that she might be able to find in middle of nowhere Henrietta that she and Joseph could try and fix. Well, that Joseph could try and fix while she was that helper on the side. It took a long day of calls and searching but eventually she was able to get her hands on one of the cars from the list from a dude way out past the trailer park.

Vesela may or may not have taken a taser with her when she had gone to see the car.

“It’s nothing amazing or fancy or whatever,” she continued with a laugh, hoping that her upbeat attitude would help him out a bit, “but I didn’t think that’d be the best for a beginner and his extremely novice apprentice.”

His fingers were softly rubbing back and forth on his jeans, the only sign that he was listening. “What kind of car?” he whispered after long minutes of suffocating silence.

Ha, she got him. “Uh,” she mumbled as she pulled out the list from her pocket. It was kind of sweaty and gross from her long day but thankfully still readable as she scanned her eyes down to the only name that wasn’t crossed out. “Mazda Miata.” It was a mess and junk, but it still ran, though she had refused to drive it over to the house herself. She didn’t need to get stuck, thank you.

“’94?”

Oh, yes, she caught him. In his face. “Actually, ’95. That’s okay?” Ivo had said that while anything in the ‘90’s would be good enough, ’94 and up was better. He hadn’t said that it had to be a ’94. Or even why the later years were better.

Finally turning around while gnawing his poor lip that had been abused all his life, Joseph said quietly “That’s good too. Um…”

It was almost like something was fighting inside him not to get excited. Not to take advantage of what could be fun. Vesela couldn’t find a better way to think it but Lord, her child looked like shit. Why was he such a mess? He’d left looking okay. They’d gone to the market, had lunch, and he’d been doing really well.

What had changed in just a matter of hours?

“Um,” he repeated before continuing, the side that wanted to enjoy this possibly winning out for the moment, “Starting 1994 and up, they started making the engine larger. Went from 1.6 liters and 116 horsepower to 1.8 and 128. Better chassis bracing and lighter wheels too.”

Bigger engine. Good, she picked good, thank God. Who didn’t like a bigger engine except those weirdos who wanted to plug their cars into the wall? Cars weren’t made to be on a cord. “Oh, well, then that sounds like we’re going to have more fun with it when it drives. Big engines are always good. Except for gas but hey, we’re shallow enough not to care about that.”

Dare she say it but his eyes looked like they wanted to light up and smile for her. His face didn’t, probably wouldn’t allow him because of whatever that cloud he was in was, but she knew it was there. “Rich enough too.”

“Well, yeah, that too,” she laughed as she walked over to him and took his hands in hers. “Hello, beautiful child, how are you?”

Now she was sure that the little flash that had come and gone was amusement. Joseph was in there somewhere, she just had to dig really hard.

Good thing she didn’t mind digging.

“I hadn’t realized that we didn’t just have an entire conversation before this.”

“Oh, we did,” she nodded in agreement, “but I didn’t ask how you were so now I am.”

“I don’t like that question.”

Obviously. She’d known that ever since he understood what emotions were and how to hide them from people. Getting as high up on her tippy toes as she could and realizing that it wasn’t good enough, Vesela looped her arms around his neck and dragged his head down for a forehead kiss. He didn’t pull away which was always a good sign and decided to go the rest of the way, pulling her into a tight hug and taking a deep deep breath before letting it out.

When she realized that he had no intentions of speaking anytime soon, she said “So…we’ll start tomorrow then? It’s practically dark and probably not the best idea to start right now. What do you think? Maybe do like a quick assessment of where we should start and go from there?”

Squeezing her tight – she tried her best not to cough – Joseph whispered “Anything you want.”

It almost felt like he was just indulging her instead of her plan to indulge him. Did he not want to? He’d seemed interested. Taking a step back to get a good look at him, Vesela ran her eyes over his fatigued and completely drained face. His eyes said nothing, gave off nothing, as he stood and watched like he was curious as to what she saw.

What she saw and very suddenly smelled was a disgusting mess. His clothes were dirt stained literally everywhere and there was this hint of not just vomit but something fouler in the air around him.

Vesela was very obviously missing something important here.

Focusing back on his beautiful but not sparkly like they used to be eyes, she tried to see if she could make it past his wall. He’d never been open with emotions but he’d never been this closed off either. He needed help but she’d come to learn that there was no way to help or force someone without them willing to accept it. Joseph never accepted and never had. He always settled for isolation like that was the answer for everything.

And yet right this second, it was like his eyes were screaming behind the fog for her to not let him out of her sight.

“I’m thinking we settle for a movie today? Popcorn and lots of other junk. Root beer floats?”

“We don’t have junk food. Kitchen’s empty.”

Oh. Yeah, that would be cause of problem. “We’ll go to the mark-” she raised her hand up when his mouth opened, “where _I’ll_ get down and _you_ will wait in the car for me. Fair?”

Joseph blinked at her for a few seconds and she knew that he was onto her and her plan to barely even let him use the bathroom alone. There was a little flare of appreciation though she didn’t know if it was because he appreciated her smarts or the fact that she was going to smother him in care. Whichever it was, Vesela didn’t care; she just needed him to cooperate. “Fair,” he whispered with a nod. “Can I shower first?”

“Oh God, please do,” she couldn’t help but snort because he was seriously nasty smelling. Once she caught onto the stench, it was eternally stuck in her nose. “I don’t need to threaten to sit in the bathroom as you shower, do I?” Hell, she would if it meant making sure that he didn’t do anything to himself.

This time she really did win a smile, puny and pathetic, sure, but it was a smile, as he said “No, no you don’t. I have to see this crap Miata you hopefully didn’t put more than a couple thousand on.”

Three thousand, actually. She had a feeling the guy cheated her of more than a few hundred but it was the only car from the list around and she had been too exhausted to care. “I’m a savvy shopper,” Vesela replied although for this specific thing, that was a total lie, “I don’t pay more than what I’m getting.”

His brow raised and humor flickered into his brown eyes. “Typically, no, but something tells me you were unsuccessful in today’s venture.”

God, he was an adorable brat. “Shuttup and go take a shower. We have crap to go buy.”

  

* * *

 

His leg was bouncing furiously as he waited in the car for his mother to come out from the store. Joseph wasn’t sure if he was happy or pissed that she was somehow onto him. Well, she wasn’t exactly onto his thoughts but she figured that he wanted to do something to himself and that was enough to turn her into the epic mother bear.

And frankly, Joseph wasn’t sure yet if he was happy about that or not.

How did people turn off their brains? That’s what he wanted right now. He didn’t want to worry about how Prokopenko was handling life, didn’t want to think about all his options of death, and sure as hell didn’t want to think about himself.

At all.

So instead of letting his thoughts take the internal route, he sent them outside and watched this tiny middle aged woman set a box on the floor, taping something on the front. “Shit…” Joseph squinted harder in disbelief. “Free?”

There were only two things that were put in boxes in front of grocery stores that were free. Was he really…?

Fuck, yeah, he was, who was he kidding. At least for a look, right?

Right.

Getting out of the car, Joseph walked over to the woman who smiled at him. It was more of a careful ‘I’m in public, he can’t do anything’ smile, but a smile nonetheless. “Hello, would you like a puppy?”

Oh, they were puppies.

And oh, they were fucking adorable.

Crouching down by the box, Joseph stuck his hand in and to pet the tiny head of the tiniest puppy. It was a runt like he had been. Who knew? Maybe it’d end up like Clifford. Technically speaking, Joseph sure had. “Can I hold one?”

“Of course! Anyone you’d like.”

Picking up the little runt, Joseph held it to his chest and whispered “Hi there.” The little pup whimpered and snuggled closer. Shit, it couldn’t be more than a week or two. “Where’s mama?”

“Oh,” the lady laughed nervously like he’d asked the hardest question in the world, “she couldn’t handle them so she kept a few and these are the leftovers.”

“The leftovers?” Joseph said, fully offended on the behalf of the five puppies. Who the fuck did this bitch think she was exactly? “You can’t just take away her babies because you couldn’t care for them. Or at least not for a couple more months. You should’ve spayed your dog if you didn’t want puppies.”

Looking incredibly annoyed, the woman snorted “Look, you want the thing or not?”

Glancing back down at the poor little whimpering runt nuzzling his tank top, Joseph softly pet her with a finger as he considered this. He couldn’t care for an animal right now, he knew that. And honestly, he wasn’t sure that he could handle it in general after the loss of Peanut. Living with him wouldn’t be a gift for this poor thing; it’d be a nightmare. Joseph barely remembered to care for himself not to care for the puppy. And what about when he offed himself? Where would the puppy be then?

“Who’d you find there?”

No lie, the sudden sound of his mother cutting into his thoughts made him jump just a bit. “Um…just a puppy.”

“It’s free, ma’am,” the lady added ‘helpfully.’ “All yours.”

His mother set her bags on the floor and crouched beside Joseph as she stretched out a hand and rubbed the puppy’s back softly. “He? She?”

Lifting it up to its disappointment, Joseph replied “She.” Wrapping her back in his arms against his chest to calm her panicked whimpers down, he repeated “She.”

“Well, she’s absolutely adorable. You want her? I’m sure she’d love our huge backyard, huh?” His mother kissed his temple and brushed back his hair with her fingers. “What do you think? I bet she’d love to come home with you. She seems to love you already.”

The little bundle in his arms sure did seem to like him.

But then…so had Prokopenko.

And look how that went.

“I don’t deserve her,” he whispered so softly that he was surprised his mother caught the words. “She needs a nice person. A good person.”

“Baby, don’t talk like that. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Titling its head up to look at him, it was like the puppy was begging him not to let her go. But how could he care for her? How could he let her love him when it only ever ended badly for anyone who did that? That’d be so wrong of him to do to this little pup. It didn’t matter how bad he wanted to take her home.

She deserved better.

With a shake of his head, Joseph set the pup back in the box. The little pup seemed almost distressed, trying to find some way to reach him out of the box but Joseph ignored her pleas. She needed a good home full of love and affection and Joseph wasn’t sure that he knew how to provide that anymore.

“Well,” his mother said as she stretched her hands in and picked up the abandoned puppy to her little barking delight, “ _I_ want her. So she’s coming home with us anyways.”

“Mayko, you don’t like dogs in the house.” She hadn’t been happy about Waddle but she had let it go eventually. Plus, she hadn’t even been in the house when Waddle joined the family.

Lord, their separation felt like years ago. Well, it had been, but it felt like lifetimes. Eons, even.

“Yeah, well, I want this one,” she replied as she stood with the pup wrapped in her arms. “She’s freaking adorable. Grab the groceries and put them in the car, sweetheart, while I go pick out some stuff for this doll.”

A little spark of something he couldn’t remember how it felt lit in his chest. Joseph…Joseph kind of…

Joseph kind of wanted to pick out stuff for a puppy too.

She wasn’t his, so it wasn’t a problem. There was no requirement of him to love her or even care for her. So…he could pick out stuff just to give his mother his opinion. Yeah…he could do that. Grabbing the groceries quickly, Joseph rushed to the car and put them in before dashing after his mother into the store.


	84. Chapter 83

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> 1000 hits y'all! Thanks to all who read, kudos, and comment! Also thanks to my awesome beta! As my thanks, have an extra chapter!
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“In my dreams, I have powers that normal people don’t."_

“Stop,” he muttered at the little pup who seemed so intent on curling up beside him. They had considered the option of watching movies in the basement ‘theater’ but then both he and his mother realized that they’d much more appreciate the comfort of being in her bed. And it’d been great, even Joseph could admit that, as they ate crap and watched the newer versions of the Planet of the Apes movies.

But the stupid pup seemed to be confusing who her owner was.

Pushing the puppy back over to his mother who was asleep beside him, Joseph set the empty bowl of chips on the floor and curled himself up so he could watch the last of the movie comfortably. The possibility of apes running cities and shit was quite literally terrifying.

Thank fuck he was on the east coast in case La La Land Cali decided to do something stupid. He wouldn’t put it past them.

“Oh my God,” he said in a furious whisper because he didn’t want to disturb his mother who was looking so peaceful when the puppy came charging back like she was ready to commit murder. “Fuck, you’re determined,” he couldn’t help but snort in amusement as she clambered up his body. Grabbing her off him and setting her back on the bed, he pushed her into a sitting position and pointed a stern finger at her. “No.”

The reply he received was drool.

Not bad.

Spinning her around, Joseph pointed at his mother and said quietly “That’s your mama. Right there,” he gave her a little nudge, “Go.” The puppy turned back around and whimpered at him before charging at his face. “Godda- ew, don’t lick my face. I don’t know where your tongue’s been.” Joseph held her up above him, her tongue hanging out happily and the drool dripping down on him. “No,” he repeated for what felt like the billionth time as he set her down on the bed. “No. Look at me, you’ve covered me in nastiness. If I wanted that, I’d just thrown up on myself. What do you think of that, huh?”

The pup just panted and wagged her tail like she just earned herself a compliment.

“Ugh,” he griped as he wiped his face with his shirt before getting up and walking to his mother’s bathroom. He was so not sitting with dog drool on him. Flicking on the light, he washed up quickly before shutting off the water and reaching for the towel. Face feeling far more refreshed, Joseph hung the towel back up and stared at the little thing staring at him from the floor. “You know that’s called stalking, right?”

If dogs could smirk, the puppy totally would have smirked right now.

“I resent you,” Joseph said as he leaned down and picked her up. He figured putting the words out there might make them true but as she cuddled into him, he wasn’t too sure. “So much, you little runt.”

But honestly, how could anyone resent this droopy little thing.

Lying back on the bed and amusing the pup for the moment by letting her curl up on his stomach, Joseph pulled out his phone as he watched the rest of the movie from the corner of his eye. He was seriously tempted to text Prokopenko or even one of the guys to just sort of test the waters. Joseph hadn’t had the time or the energy to ask forged Proko more questions so he really had no idea whether or not he was as good as he thought he had come out.

All he could do was hope for the best.

The runt nuzzled into his stomach and curled into a tighter ball with a satisfied puppy sigh. Joseph stared at her over his phone and took a picture before he changed his mind. She was cute in that ugly sort of way. Like, she wasn’t exactly the cutest looking puppy he’d ever seen but her weird droopy face that had to be from a bloodhound made up for the patchy mix-matched fur and ears that would have made more sense if they were either longer or shorter. Staring at the picture, Joseph took a deep breath before attaching it to a message to Andrey.

_I think I have an animal problem_

They hadn’t spoken since the whole pregnancy news and Joseph preferred it that way. He wasn’t looking for a rekindling with his family any time soon but knowing that Andrey was a phone call away was sort of…comforting.

A message came in a second later, Andrey probably not wanting the chance to go to waste. This fool should be sleeping but apparently not.

_Andrey: The hell is that_

_SHE_ , Joseph emphasized because, yeah, the runt was funky looking – funkier than Waddle even – but she was still more than a ‘that,’ _is fucking adorable_

_Andrey: I still have no clue wat that is_

_Andrey: sorry SHE_

_It’s a dog fuckass_

_Andrey: too small to be a dog_

Joseph rolled his eyes and couldn’t fight the smile growing on his face.

_PUPPY_

_Andrey: Yeah see that makes sense_

_Youre an idiot_

Him and Andrey continued small talk banter until Joseph realized that his stomach was getting warm. And yeah, he had a warm body on it but…

Fuck.

_The runt just pissed on me_

_Andrey: ha u loser_

Groaning and tossing his phone onto the bed beside him, Joseph carefully picked up the pup – which she did not at all appreciate – and dragged them both to his room. He still had the tub thing he’d bought for Peanut years ago that she’d always hated. Maybe he’d teach the runt to love it early on so he wouldn’t run into the same problems that he had had with Peanut.

With a sigh of exhaustion, Joseph set the pup on the floor in the shower before going to the closet in the hall and grabbing the bin. Two in the fucking morning and here he was.

Washing pee off a puppy.

And technically himself.

Well, obviously himself. He didn’t want to smell like piss or keep the puppy drool on his shirt.

Ew.

Going back to his bathroom, Joseph put the tub in the shower and went back and forth to the sink with the bathroom pitcher until he was satisfied with the water level, all the while the runt watched him curiously. He set the pitcher down and dropped a few globs of soap into the water before swirling it around and dunking a washcloth in. Taking a seat on the shower floor, he dragged the puppy over and very slowly dipped her paw in. “See how nice it is?”

The puppy pulled her paw out and gave it a shake.

“No, no,” Joseph said softly as he dipped her paw back in, “this is how we get clean and you gotta be clean if you want to live here.” When she didn’t remove her paw, Joseph put it in deeper before he dragged the other one in. “See? Nice, huh?”

She didn’t move for a minute because maybe she was actually thinking about his words before she sunk her paws deeper until she touched the bottom. See? That was a good sign.

So Joseph pushed the rest of her in.

He couldn’t help but laugh as she gave a little yelp as she fell in. Her surprise didn’t last, however, as she started to bark excitedly and splash around in the water like she just made the greatest discovery.

Operation Bath Time?

Fucking success, bitch.

“Okay, okay,” he muttered as she kept splashing and was now making a mess. Sure, they were in the shower but that didn’t mean he felt like scrubbing it clean. Firmly sitting her down so she wouldn’t move, Joseph picked up the soapy washcloth and gave her what was probably her first bath. Hopefully her wiggly excitement was because she liked it and not because she was ready to launch herself at him. “Stop.”

She barked in reply like that meant anything at all.

“Fucking pup,” he couldn’t help but snort in a sort of affection as he dried her off and hoisted her back in his arms. Not affection but a _sort_ of affection.

There was a difference.

 

 

“You paid three grand for a piece of crap.”

His mother rolled her eyes from where she sat on the grass of their ‘front lawn.’ Such a foreign concept to two Jersey people. “I thought we’re supposed to fix the piece of crap.”

“Well, yeah,” Joseph snorted as he tried to figure out where in the fuck he was supposed to start. He couldn’t believe he was going to admit this but…without Ivo, Joseph had no idea what he was doing. “But you’re not supposed to pay so much for garbage.”

“Look, it was the only one on the list that I could find. And since when did you care if you wasted your bashtá’s money?”

True but he didn’t like his mother getting cheated. Popping the hood and walking to the front of the car, he asked “What list?”

“The one your bashtá gave me for- shit.”

Looking over to her curiously, Joseph said “He…gave you a list of cars?”

She had a guilty look on her face as she put all her focus on petting the runt who they had tied to a stake in the floor. If she was part bloodhound like Joseph thought, he couldn’t just let her wander because she might catch a scent and just keep going. Not to mention that she was as tiny as a fucking pea and then there was the fact that, hello, Peanut got run over in the street.

He didn’t need that happening to the little puppy. He’d had enough of that kind of heartbreak. Not that he cared enough about the puppy for it to be heartbreaking.

Nope, not at all.

“I wasn’t supposed to say that. Act like I didn’t.”

Huh…interesting. Turning back to looking at what was beneath the hood, Joseph felt utterly hopeless. Everything he knew just flew out of his brain without Ivo here to guide him through it. And apparently, this whole thing had been Ivo’s idea. “Why?”

“Because I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

“No, I mean, why did he give you a list?”

With a heavy blush that grew down her neck, his mother mumbled “I may have complained that I was having trouble making you smile. But, you know, that’s fair game because you complain when I don’t smile. I just…didn’t want your tétka’s brand of help. She’s helpful and listens, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes a person just does not want to hear it.”

Joseph wouldn’t mind getting some of Ivo’s help right now, to be honest. “I’ve no idea what I’m doing.”

His mother’s eyes went wide in surprise. “At all? I’m supposed to be the amateur here, you know.

“I mean, I do…” Joseph trailed off as he straightened and ran a hand through his hair. “In technical terms, y’know? But to actually do it?” He didn’t want to add the word _alone?_ because that would hint at a whole lot that didn’t need opening at the moment. Scratching his head, he made a face at the crappy Miata staring back at him. He was so not going to let a car beat him. First step was assessing, he knew that.

_“Once you look over everything,” his father said as he took out a jack, “you prioritize. While it sounds cool to just jump to the engine and make a monster, it’d do you no good if…”_

“Simple things like the gas tank are fucked,” Joseph murmured to himself as he walked over to the side of the car, tapping his cheek with a finger. “Hmm…”

“Y’know,” his mother called out, “the guy I bought it from did mention something about it sputtering? Does that mean anything to you? Oh and it stalls sometimes.”

Sputtering and stalling… Snapping his fingers as a lightbulb went off, hopefully the correct lightbulb, Joseph replied “Fuel pump isn’t working right.” Biting his nail and laughing despite himself, he snorted “I’ve no fucking idea where to access the fuel pump on this bitch though.”

“I can figure that out,” his mother said as she walked over to him and dropped herself into the driver’s seat after pulling out her phone. Grimacing, she spared a second to glare at the seat and muttered “We’re definitely changing these seats.”

“Noted,” he replied as he rolled his eyes and hunched over her to look. “We’ll put that on the list. Click that video.”

About to do just that, she was cut off by a sudden phone call and a picture of her and her husband smiling together. It as a nice picture. He liked it and wanted it to put on the wall beside his bed. He’d steal and print it later. “I’ll call him back,” she murmured, her finger hovering over the ‘ignore’ button.

Sighing, Joseph swiped the call open and glued it to her ear. “Ask him where the fucking fuel pump is while you’re at it.”

 

* * *

 

“He…wants you to ask me-”

“Yup,” Vesela replied with a hopeful nod. If Joseph wanted to technically ask his father for help…that had to mean good stuff, right?

Hopefully right.

Silence followed her words but it was almost like she could _taste_ the hope in the air. Was Ivo hoping that was what it meant to? “Pull back the carpeting next to the gas cap, under where the top goes back, and under there’ll be a compartment he’s gotta unscrew. Make-”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Vesela muttered as she spun around and stared what she assumed to be the carpeted spot. Joseph may have wanted her to ask the question but he conveniently made himself scarce by saying he was going to feed ‘the runt.’

But…baby steps.

Squishing her phone between her shoulder and her ear, she used both hands to pop the buttons and pull the carpet up. Stuffing it under that thingy to make sure it was out of the way, Vesela said with a tired breath “Okay, did that.”

“You sound out of breath,” Ivo said in amusement.

“Shut up.” Carpet wasn’t supposed to be so difficult.

“I thought he was asking?”

“He is but has conveniently disappeared to feed Doll.”

“I’d have thought his naming techniques would have gotten better over the years. And what exactly is Doll?”

Laughing as she plopped back into her seat because her job was done, Vesela snorted “It has but we got this puppy yesterday – well, I did – and I’ve decided to give it a ridiculous name until it drives him absolutely insane and forces him to admit that he already loves her and to give her a proper name. As of now, he only refers to her as ‘runt’ or ‘the pup.’ It’s a work in progress.”

Ivo just hummed in lieu of saying anything, a thoughtful silence falling between them. “So he’s doing okay?”

“Tricky question.” He may be smiling and joking in front of her but she knew that she was missing something vital. Whatever it was that was bugging him was grating on him to the point where his usually deceptively blank eyes were filled with emotion. Something had happened yesterday, something drastic, but Vesela knew she’d never find out. “He’s…obviously not good but…I feel like he’s bullshitting me.”

“Tricky answer,” Ivo replied, just a hint of curiosity sitting in his voice. “Bullshitting you how?”

Resting back into the seat that really needed changing, Vesela thought about her answer carefully. How, she didn’t know but she just _knew_. “Something’s wrong. I just know it. Sixth sense, you know? Something…something big. But he didn’t tell me about the rape so he’s not going to-”

Fuck. Fuck her and her stupid mouth.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

“The what?” Ivo said quickly, sounding very very awake suddenly. It wasn’t that he’d been sleeping but he’d sounded much more relaxed less than a second ago. “Vesela, the what?”

Shit, fuck her stupid mouth. “Nothing, forget-”

“How in the fuck am I supposed to forget what you just said?” Ivo snapped though he kept his voice at a steady level as it sounded like he got up. “Hold your line of thought and don’t fucking hang up.”

Great, he was probably going somewhere where he could speak more freely. He had to be at work then. “Ivo-”

“Don’t fucking ‘Ivo’ me. Just wait.” There was sound of a door closing – his car maybe? – and then Ivo said in a very very stern voice “Repeat what you just said.”

She knew what he was aiming for but she decided to be a smart ass about it. Why not, right? “’Nothing, forget’ and then you cut me off.”

“Vesela.”

With a shake of her head and a sigh and suddenly thankful that Joseph had gone inside, she replied softly “Please, Ivo, leave it be.”

There was silence on his end but only for a second. Ivo couldn’t do silence unless he was beating someone at the quiet game. “You can’t just say rape and expect me to leave it be. It’s not a God fucking joke-”

“You think I don’t know that!” Vesela couldn’t help but snap because Lord, did she know that. She was the one who tried getting her child back on the up and up. She was the one who had scrubbed him, stopped him from ripping the skin off his body, sat with him after a failed suicide attempt. She did that. Vesela knew that it wasn’t a fucking joke alright. “Who the hell do you think sat with him through everything? Me or you?”

“So he was raped? Or he wasn’t? Which is it?”

Leaning forward as she shut her eyes in both frustration and exhaustion, Vesela whispered “It’s none of your business.”

“Bullshit,” Ivo snarled, his fury coming through the phone in waves. “How exactly is it none of my business whether or not my son was raped? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Vesela didn’t, she just didn’t want to take the conversation this way but she knew she had to. “Ivo, if I confirm that yes, your son was raped, and then I told you that I’m pretty sure it was a guy and I’m pretty sure he was taken advantage of because of alcohol, what exactly would you say?”

“The fuck kind of-”

“Do you want to know what your homophobia would say? Even if you didn’t say it out loud, even if you’re the right amounts of pissed on your child’s behalf, in your head, all you’ll think is ‘well, didn’t he want a dick in his ass anyways? There you go! He got what he wanted! Teaches him to be a fag, doesn’t it?’ Tell me I’m wrong so I can laugh in your face. Go ahead.”

“I’d never say that,” Ivo said, just on the brink on getting full on pissed. She had always been able to tell when he was ready to blow because there’d be this little waver in his voice at the end of every word, the small semblance of control he had being ready to pop open.

“I didn’t say you’d say it, I said you’d think it. I know you love your son, Ivo, and I even think that somewhere deep down, he knows it too. But the thing is, you don’t love him enough to love him for who he is. I don’t doubt for a second that you’d rip off the rapist’s entire genitalia with your bare hands. But I also know that-”

“Rapist?”

At first, she wanted to yell at Ivo for not keeping up with the conversation he wanted to be all angry about until she picked up her head and realized that the voice had been Ivo’s mini-me who was staring with not only wary eyes but very accusing ones, bristling with fury.

One of these days, she’d learn to watch what blurted out of her mouth.

Grinding his jaw where she was literally worried for the state of his teeth, Joseph didn’t exactly snap but it was almost there. “Mayko, what are you saying?”

“Whatever you do, don’t hang up,” came Ivo’s voice over the line, speaking so quick that the words were practically jumbled. “Vesela, don’t.”

“Mayko.”

For all her cunning, Vesela couldn’t come up with a single lie while on the spot from his blazing gaze. It was literally like having Ivo glaring down at her. “Nothing.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Joseph snarled with so much hate and anger that Vesela couldn’t believe it was her child in front of her. “Don’t you fucking dare.” His eyes flicked to the phone still in her hand, “Close the fucking phone.”

“Don’t,” Ivo said quickly, his voice almost pleading. “Please, Vesela, don’t. I want to listen.”

And once again, Vesela was stuck between her men. When God had written her life out, did he decide that she just had to have a hard one? Or had it been a random draw of the cards? If it had been, damn, did her luck suck. “Joseph-”

“I swear to fucking God,” Joseph said in such a still yet fiery calm that Vesela was convinced Ivo was in front of her, “that if you don’t close that fucking phone, I’ll shove a knife through my hand right this second. Then I’ll pull it out and shove it in the other hand. And hell, why not just straight up shove it in my wrist while I’m at it?”

“Tell me he’s not serious.” There was a panicked edge to Ivo’s voice that she loved just for the fact that it meant he cared. How sad was that? “That’s just…shit talk, right? Right, Vesela?”

Pressing the phone to her ear because Joseph didn’t do shit talk like that, Vesela whispered “I’m gonna call you back, love.”

“Wait, wait-”

And she shut the phone.

Joseph held out his hand and waited. What, did he want proof that she’d hung up? Biting her lip even though that wasn’t her habit, she placed her phone in his hand. “I hung up.”

“Good,” he replied with a nasty smile that she did not at all like. “But I need to ensure that that big mouth of yours doesn’t open again anytime soon.”

Vesela didn’t think that even the most skilled electrical engineer could save her phone after it shattered in the middle of the street.


	85. Chapter 84

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“For God’s sake, my lord, pay attention.”_

That fucking bitch.

Bitch

Bitch

BITCH

Pacing furiously in his room while nearly ripping his hair out because he just didn’t fucking know what to do with his hands, Joseph wanted to just _scream._

Who gave her the right? Who gave her the fucking right to say what she did when she didn’t know shit?

_She does but you’re just too afraid to admit it._

“No one fucking asked you,” he snapped at his damn inner monologue that never did him any fucking good. “JUST FUCK!” he shouted in the quiet of his room, the quiet of this stupid ass house that fucking echoed, as he threw his table lamp at the wall. “FUCK!”

Halting in the middle of the room, Joseph covered his face and took deep breaths. Yelling helped, yelling was good, but it was going to take way more yelling than those few words to be able to get it out of his system, God fuck it.

Damn her.

  

* * *

 

“You find it weird we haven’t heard or seen Kavinsky since yesterday?” Swan asked him as he watched Xia pack. His family had booked him a ticket to come visit Philly for a week and to be honest, Xia wasn’t looking forward to it.

His family sucked. Maybe not as bad as Kavinsky’s – whatever his family was even like – but it still sucked. They’d all just harp on his head about some shit, tell him he was doing something wrong, remind him that he was gross and sinning against God, and then he’d eat his aunt’s cooking every night.

Mei was a horrible cook.

But Jiang didn’t mind – okay, total lie because him and his stomach did mind – because she and his grandmother and _grandfather_ were the only ones who accepted him as pan. Which was hilarious because the older generation seemed to accept him more than his own ‘progressive’ parents did. Or even his siblings for that matter.

“Why the fuck would you think I care,” Xia snorted with annoyance. Why did everything always have to revolve around Kavinsky? Kavinsky this, Kavinsky that, blah, blah, blah. Ugh, he was so sick of even hearing the name. “I just take it as me having a peaceful few days.”

This only made Swan look even more troubled as he softly touched his hair. He’d just freshly gotten his hair done this morning and seemed to either love it or find it odd because it was something new for him. Personally, Xia liked the little twists a lot.

And that was a totally unbiased opinion, thank you. Had nothing to do with his not-attraction to Swan.

Nothing at all.

“It’s just fucking weird, man,” Swan said, his face scrunched with concentration as he spun a little twist between his fingers, “He seemed fine yesterday morning, y’know?”

“I don’t actually. Didn’t see him.”

Swan just kept going like Xia hadn’t said a word. “Then they go to lunch, get drunk, and he just drops off Prokopenko? That’s weird. He would’ve dropped in, I know that. But then Prokopenko, he seems…”

Yeah, Xia had noticed. “Weird?”

“Yeah,” Swan nodded with this confusedly concerned face, “Something just…seems off. I don’t know, dude, but…you think he took something? Maybe Kavinsky’s feeling guilty that he let Prokopenko take something and that’s it? We all know Prokopenko doesn’t like anything with drugs.”

Kavinsky did guilt? This was new to him. Snorting as he grabbed an extra underwear from the drawer because you could never have one too many, Xia shoved it into his bag and replied “I don’t know, don’t care, and…don’t care.”

“And we haven’t heard from him at all today,” Swan muttered, had to be to himself because he was very blatantly ignoring Xia right about now. Rubbing his thumb across that very full bottom lip that Xia totally didn’t check out regularly, he added “Something’s not right.”

Sighing as he zipped his bag shut after squishing it a bit, Xia said “How come your rich whites didn’t tell you to go down to Georgia for the summer?”

“Huh?” Swan replied, completely lost in his head, blinking blankly at Xia. “What’s that?”

“Your foster fam,” Xia said patiently while picking up the trash on his side of the room. He needed to be clean now so he wouldn’t have to worry about a mess when he came back.

His eyes slid slowly over to Charles call me Chuck’s side of the room.

There just never was clean here.

Sigh.

“Oh, they’re vacationing.”

“That don’t bug you?”

Swan laughed, finally out of his Kavinsky filled thoughts. “Fuck no. Their vacations are way to posh and stressful for me. It’s my choice not to go with them, not them not inviting me.”

“Oh.” If it wasn’t for his grandparents and Mei, Xia wouldn’t bother going to see him family. He stayed with his parents and siblings but stopped feeling comfortable there a few years ago so spent his days at his grandparents and Mei’s. So, yes, technically, he didn’t _have_ to eat Mei’s nasty ass food but it was the nice thing to do for her.

“Something’s just not right,” Swan said softly, staring down at Xia’s blanket.

“What’s not?”

“Kavinsky, man. Have you been listening?”

Xia just settled for an annoyed groan as he dropped into his desk chair.

  

* * *

 

Joseph was once more pacing, except now he had the stupid puppy pacing with him. There’d been scratching at his door, who would have thought that she’d remember where she’d played in the water, and he just couldn’t bring himself, even in his anger, to leave her whimpering behind his closed door.

So they paced together.

A bit like him and Peanut used to.

It was fucking bittersweet, dammit.

A soft knock sounded at his door. “Joseph.”

Coming to a stop in the middle of the room with the runt stopping beside his feet and planting her butt down like she just completed the most intensive workout in the world, Joseph took the thousandth deep breath for his day. With fists clenched at his sides, Joseph said through clenched teeth “What.”

“Can I come in?”

“No. Don’t ask stupid ass questions.”

He thought maybe there was a quiet sigh on the other side of the door but he wasn’t sure. When the silence carried on, Joseph figured that she’d moved on so he picked up his pacing once more. How could she just…blurt such a stupid lie to her bastard? How could she? What did she think she knew to just… “I’m not a victim,” Joseph said aloud in what he hoped sounded like steady conviction. He felt like it did. A little. “I’m not a…not a-a rape victim.”

There, that sounded better.

Kind of.

The pup must have disagreed because she paused in front of him and stared up with her droopy face. It was like ‘are you asking or telling me?’

“I’m telling you.”

She didn’t look like she believed him at all.

  

* * *

 

“So nothing happened between you guys?” Swan asked Sasha, leaning in their doorway. Blake had already tried this line of questioning but Swan must be like him and think that something weird was up. Kavinsky didn’t just disappear without a word when only yesterday, they were all fine. “At all?”

Sasha looked at Swan curiously. “No. Why?”

It was Sasha’s voice, the way Sasha spoke, the tone he always used with the right amount of everything like usual but…something just didn’t sit right with Blake. Plus, Sasha kept dragging out his words in this weird sort of way. Instead of ‘no,’ it sounded more like ‘noooo.’ And when he said ‘why,’ the end of the word rose up for just a second too long.

Blake was totally thrown off. And confused. This was Sasha, no doubt, but… “Dunno, he’s just been quiet,” Blake said in response to the question. “Kinda weird, no?”

Sasha just shrugged. “No. Probably hungover. We got drunk.”

“Uhuh…” Swan murmured, his thumb on his lower lip and his eyes narrowed. “Yeah, I heard many times over how you guys got drunk.” Sasha just nodded. “But…you’re not hungover? You wake up all right?”

“Woke up fine.”

“He did,” Blake reported when Swan flicked a quick glance over to him. “Didn’t even flinch at the sun.”

“Uhuh.”

Obviously, Swan was onto something that none of them were. “Maybe K just wanted a quiet day. He does that sometimes. Needs peace or whatever it is that he says.” Swan nodded but Blake could tell that he didn’t agree at all. There was something knocking at the door of Swan’s brain that no one else was catching on to. “We…could always just call. Just saying. Obvious route and all.”

“Don’t bother,” Swan snorted, suddenly very aware and not in his thoughts, “He won’t answer.”

Probably not. “Well, then, a message. Or two, or even four.” Blake shrugged, “He’ll answer when he feels like it. He always does.”

“Yeah…” Swan nodded once more, falling into his thoughts again. Giving one last nod, mostly just to himself and his thoughts, Swan spun around and said quietly like he was still in his head and just doing this as a courtesy as he walked off “I’ll catch y’all later.”

Sasha shrugged and shut the door before tossing himself on his bed and pulling out the remote for their tv. “What up with Swan? He seems weird.”

 _He’s not the only one, lemme tell you._ “Dunno,” Blake responded with a shrug, bouncing onto his own bed, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. “Everyone’s just a bit weird today, aren’t they?”

“Are they? Hadn’t noticed.”

“Maybe look in the mirror a bit harder then.”

Blake could feel Sasha’s gaze piercing into him even without looking at him. “Are you still upset that we got drunk?”

No, actually he wasn’t. Blake wasn’t that freaking pathetic. What he was upset about was the fact that Sasha just wouldn’t tell him what they had done _while_ getting drunk. Why did it have to be a secret covered by a lie? It couldn’t have been that amazing. “No. I get it; you got drunk. Can we just move on from that? I think I hate the word ‘drunk’ right about now.”

  

* * *

 

“Careful,” Joseph warned as he put his foot in front of the runt who was trying to peer through the bars of the balcony fence. “You’re tiny enough to squeeze through and we don’t want you to fall. You’d die in a second, pup.”

The droopy face blinked up at him and yawned.

Fuck, why was she cute.

Dropping down on the floor of the balcony beside her, Joseph leaned back on his hands and stared at his stupid backyard and thought about his stupid life that just wasn’t fair.

Ha. Ha. Wasn’t fair. As if Joseph thought that he was entitled to anything other than that. As if he’d ever even been given the option for anything other than unfair. The minute he’d been born, genetics had decided that he was going to be special. A dreamer. A grey-whatever.

And that wasn’t fair.

Joseph had never wanted to be special.

He had never wanted to be a dreamer.

Never wanted to be anything other than a normal person. With a normal life. No powerful dreams, no growing up as a mobster’s son, not even being rich. He didn’t care for any of that. Give him a choice between his life – even minus his abusive father and the dreams – and Emilio’s, Joseph would pick Emilio’s in a second. He wanted to know what it was like to just…live. No fine print anywhere.

Just live.

That was it.

Or…just not have fucked up his so badly. That’d be acceptable too because there had to be some kind of balance for a dreamer. His great-grandfather sure as fuck had had it. “Maybe because he told someone,” Joseph murmured as he watched a hummingbird swoosh around. The pup thought it was the most amazing thing she’d ever seen and jumped to her feet, yapping at it.

But how could Joseph just tell someone? How did that work? Who in their right mind would actually believe something like dreaming? That was just insane. If Joseph didn’t personally experience it, he sure as fuck wouldn’t. Pull things from dreams? Impossible incredible things? People?

Yeah, okay.

However, Atanas sure as fuck had lived better than Joseph currently was. And as far as Joseph knew, had never killed people here and there. That had to count for something.

Petting the runt who had shoved herself into his lap, Joseph stared at her grand droopiness and wrinkles. “I take things from my head,” he practiced. And even though he was just talking to a dog who had no idea what he was even saying, his heart jumped just a bit from letting the truth out into the waking world. “In my dreams, I have powers that normal people don’t. I craft things, dream them into existence, and bring them back with me. Not just things but…but people too.”

The pup obviously said nothing of his minor confession but just her listening was enough for Joseph for the time being.

 

* * *

 

Picking up his car keys, Finlay stuffed them in his pocket before shoving his feet into his flip flops. Something was off, he knew it and needed to know what. Something had happened with Prokopenko and Kavinsky and whatever it was, it was big. He’d repeatedly called and messaged Kavinsky to no avail. Which, okay, wasn’t necessarily strange but there was this little knot of worry in his stomach.

Don’t get him wrong, he still didn’t like Kavinsky. Not a chance.

But he also didn’t want to see him dead.

He was half out the door when he paused. Maybe Kavinsky really did just need some alone time. Or mother-son time, whatever it was. He wouldn’t appreciate Finlay just randomly showing up. “Not random being that I’ve called a billion times,” he mused, so stuck on what to do.

Pulling out his phone, Finlay checked the time. “Alright,” he said to no one, “I’ll wait a little longer. He’s probably just busy. If he doesn’t answer later on, I’ll go.”

Yeah, that was good.

He was probably just overreacting.


	86. Chapter 85

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Anyone miss Ivo? I do. Madeline does. Maybe some other people. Idk. So enjoy this treat ;)
> 
> Also, anytime Ivo has a childhood flashback in any story, keep in mind that they're actually speaking Bulgarian. He didn't know English then.  
> Ps. Minor references are kind of made to the Snapshot I put last week about Ivo being shot
> 
> Pss. The pineapple thing is true and real  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“For killing you. I’m sorry for killing you.”_

“…avinsky. My lord. My Lord Kavinsky?”

Ivo kept tapping his finger on the table, trying to get his head on straight. He knew someone was talking to him but it wasn’t registering. It was like white noise in the background; unimportant, unnecessary.

“My lord?”

Raped.

His son had been raped.

His son cursed at his mother.

His son threatened his mother with his own harm.

His son didn’t sound like his son anymore.

His son had been raped.

Raped.

“My Lord Kavinsky. _My lord._ Ivo?”

Someone had raped his child.

_“Even if you didn’t say it out loud, even if you’re the right amounts of pissed on your child’s behalf, in your head, all you’ll think is ‘well, didn’t he want a dick in his ass anyways? There you go! He got what he wanted! Teaches him to be a fag, doesn’t it?’”_

He’d never say that. Ever. It wasn’t Joseph’s fault that he’d been raped.

_“I didn’t say you’d say it, I said you’d think it._

Would he?

_“I know you love your son, Ivo-”_

Yeah, actually, he did.

_“-and I even think that somewhere deep down, he knows it too.”_

Did he?

_“But the thing is, you don’t love him enough to love him for who he is.”_

And this was where he got stuck every time. Every single fucking time that he replayed this conversation in his head for the past hours, Ivo couldn’t get passed this one statement. This one goddamn line.

Did he or didn’t he love his son?

Well, he thought he did love Joseph. He always would.

But did he love him enough?

A few years ago…no, no he hadn’t. That had been blatantly obvious with the Yosef-worthy beating.

But what about now?

Now…he had no idea.

Accept that his son was a fag?

First step in acceptance, don’t use the word fag.

Damn, that was a hard one. It was all Ivo had ever known.

“My lord.”

How could a guy be attracted to a guy? How did that work exactly? It sounded so wrong.

Hey, step in the right direction right there. _It sounded_ instead of _it was_.

Progress, bitch.

“Ivo. Ivo Kavinsky. My Lord Kavinsky. Ivo Yosef Kavinsky. Hello? Anyone?”

Scratching his cheek absently, Ivo considered this. He had to be getting better at the whole acceptance thing if he was actually trying to think about it, right?

Right.

A lot of people got raped. It wasn’t their faults. So…ergo Joseph wanting a dick didn’t necessarily mean he wanted one forcibly. So…him being a fag wasn’t the reason he’d been raped. Because then that’d just be assuming that all the women who had ever been raped were raped because they liked men and that was utter bullshit.

Okay.

Joseph wasn’t raped because he has a preference for guys. Joseph was raped because of some sick asshole who deserved to hang from his balls with a spiked club shoved up his ass.

Whoa.

Mental image he did not need right now.

There came a sound in the white noise that sounded suspiciously like an annoyed sigh but Ivo didn’t feel like taking proper notice of it. He was busy right now, thank you.

“Poke him.”

“No, you do it.”

“You’re both sounding like immature petulant children. Stop it.”

Okay, so, part one analyzed. Two was that, very obviously, Joseph had no respect for his mother which was very bad. They’d raised him better than that.

_But you broke him, remember? Plus, how does one ‘know better’ when they’re high?_

Yeah, that was a problem too.

Fuck his life and the mess he’d made of it.

Hmm.

Relaxing back into his chair, Ivo took a deep breath and immediately regretted it a second later. “Fuck,” he wheezed as the pain in his chest said hello. It’d been four fucking months and yet Ivo was still not only in his sling but had to take care in even breathing because his chest wound decided to have ‘complications’ and take its God fucking time in healing.

To think that a dinky ass .22 did this to him. The fuck.

“Glad you’re back with us,” came Lubomir’s voice through the haze of his thoughts. “We’ve only been trying to speak to you for the past, ohhhh, half hour.”

Really? He’d zoned out for that long?

Damn.

He had to do that more often.

“Oh.”

Lubomir shook his head and huffed tiredly. He did everything tiredly nowadays. Ivo had worked with this man since he had started, known him for more than half his life now, and he was annoying as fuck, yeah, but also entirely invaluable. He was old and wise and well…old. And Ivo liked that. It was nice knowing that he had someone at an appropriate age to be like a fatherly figure around here. There were quite a few old guys, a lot actually because they were way back when from Timotei’s days, but none were like Lubomir. He didn’t trust any the way he did Lubomir.

Despite his annoyingness.

Hence why the man was invaluable.

“Oh,” Lubomir repeated with a sigh and another shake of the head. “My lord, can you tell me _anything_ of what I have reported to you today?”

Sighing because he was hurting now, Ivo slumped into his chair and ignored the fact that he looked like a pouting child in front of a room of advisors. “No.”

Yulian snorted.

He did that a lot nowadays.

Shuffling his papers, Lubomir said “I can’t fathom what could possibly be more important on your mind as of this moment than the fact that the police have seized our latest shipment.”

Fuck, that wasn’t good. But he had three different things coming in around this time. “Which?”

With a grim face, Lubomir replied “All twelve pallets of cocaine.”

Fuck. Well, there went 144 million dollars and forty-eight fucking kilos down the drain. They’d disguised it so well too. Who the hell took the time to open cans of fucking sliced pineapples? Goddamn it. “You have a name for the lead in the seize?”

“A Special Agent Hedford.”

Fuck. This bastard came out of nowhere and seemed to be sticking around. Rubbing his face with his tired left hand because his right was out of commission, Ivo muttered “Fuck.”

“Fuck indeed. Are you listening now?”

He wondered what had made Joseph choose cocaine. Why that of all things? Was it just convenience? Easiest thing to get his hands on in bumfuck nowhere? And obviously, Vesela had picked it up from Joseph so that went without question. But why cocaine? Was snorting better than shooting up?

“For God’s sake, my lord, pay attention.”

Ivo knew that he needed to focus but after that conversation with Vesela, his head just wouldn’t screw back on straight. And he was hurting. Lord, was he hurting. The pain pills must be wearing off.

“Perhaps you should go home, my lord?”

His gaze flicked over to the carefully blank one of Asen who was standing by the door. For some reason, things weren’t feeling the same with Mr. Sunshine like they used to. Something had changed from friendly but professional to just professional. Ivo was still undecided on if that bugged him or not. “Why.”

“Perhaps you are falling ill? You don’t exactly seem to be with us. Lord Simeonov can take over for the rest of the day.”

Falling ill, no he wasn’t, thank God. Infection was past him. But he definitely wasn’t in his head. And if they’d just lost all that money and coke, someone needed to be able to handle it. “You know what? That’d be best.” Getting to his tired feet, Ivo glanced at the men around the room and said “Have a good rest of your day, gentlemen.” His gaze fell to Yulian who was sitting with arms crossed. “Finish the day and solve the problem we’ve seem to have run into.”

“Of course, my lord. Have a pleasant rest of your day. Get better.” The words sounded sincere but Ivo easily knew that they were just lip service. Truly, he didn’t even give a fuck anymore.

The well wishes were echoed by everyone as Ivo walked out, giving a nod to everyone he passed on his way to the parking garage as they called out greetings to him.  Going down the stairs that lead to the parking garage, Ivo sighed tiredly as he opened the heavy door once he reached it and walked over to his car. He wasn’t able to drive anything with stick shift because of his stupid shoulder and stupid sling so he was stuck with boring automatic. Not that there weren’t gorgeous automatic cars but driving stick was just so much better. There’d be this underlying deep connection between him and the car.

Dropping into his car – immediately regretting it because, hello, pain – and shutting the door, he lowered the seat all the way back and laid down. He was too tired to drive right now. Or maybe just too out of it.

Joseph had been raped.

Joseph. Had. Been. Raped.

And he hadn’t even been allowed to know. How wrong was that? He was a sick individual, yeah, it was part of the fucking job, but _come on_. For Vesela to think that he wouldn’t care?

“I’m not a homophobe,” Ivo tried aloud, his voice ringing in the quiet of the car. “I’m not homophobic.”

…

That didn’t even sound believable to his wishing ears.

“I love my son.”

See? That was believable.

“I accept my son.”

And that? That did not.

Ivo just…didn’t understand it. Why in all bloody hell would a man want another man? Why? Women were gorgeous and beautiful and funny and sweet and badass and fuck, the list could go on. And they tasted so damn beautiful too. Granted, he’d only kissed two and slept with one but still, the rule applied. And who wouldn’t want to have sex with a woman? God, sex with Vesela was fucking magical.

Okay, that sounded lame but the point had been made, hadn’t it?

So why, dear God, would a man want a man? Find him…attractive? Why? Like…what had been more attractive about Emilio that Joseph hadn’t found in Alicia? Once Ivo had taken the time to reflect, he’d realized that for however long Joseph and Emilio had been, dear Lord, ‘together,’ it had shown. Joseph had been happier that year. Maybe they’d been together that long?

Shit, he’d given them a hotel room all to themselves in San Diego. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to guess what may or may not have gone on. Fucking hell, Raul had _wanted_ them to have it to themselves without Andrey. But then, as he’d learned, Raul had known all along.

 _Focus on the point here._ So…while he’d seemed happy with Alicia, Joseph had admitted that he’d liked the physical. Ivo had just taken it that there wasn’t that emotional connection, but he must have missed the whole point.

Well, he obviously knew that now.

“I’m lying in my car, trying to contemplate homosexuality. Lord, I’m losing it.”

Hadn’t he already lost it, though? Hello, his constant auditory companions were no longer in his head. And after almost two decades of having them, they couldn’t just magically disappear.

And yet they had.

Just like the scar.

That scar had been a part of him since he was nine. _Nine._ If it was ever going to heal and disappear from his body, it would have done by fucking now. He hadn’t even noticed that it was gone at first so he had no idea when it had actually disappeared. But one day almost two years ago, he’d gotten a haircut. And yeah, this sounded a bit like the beginning of a badly written story but it was just that simple.

He’d gotten a haircut.

Gone home and showered and brushed his hair.

And, okay, he may have been checking to see if he had any grey hairs yet because if he was ever going to get them, it’d have been from all the stress that had dropped into his life recently. While he’d just casually checked over his head, he had noticed that his scar was gone.

Poof, like magic.

He’d gotten the scar when him and Lazar had been playing together that day, like they had every day, and settled on something with them being opposing medieval warriors. Some kind of war game where they had sword-fought with thick sticks they’d broken off from old man Vodenicharov’s tree. They’d never liked him, mean and grumpy as he was, and decided that since his tree had such lovely branches, it’d serve well as their donor.

They’d smoothed out the branches with a knife and once they were satisfied, they’d played. And it was all fine until Lazar wacked him one just above his temple, barely under his hair. Maybe if the stick had been smooth, it would’ve turned out fine. But Lazar had missed one of the protruding parts and it had gashed Ivo’s head from the force.

Both of them had panicked; Ivo because he was bleeding like hell and Lazar because he didn’t want to get in trouble. It was barely noon so they had bet their chances on Ivo’s father not being home and rushed away to for his mother to fix the problem before Yosef ever found out.

Of course with their shitty luck, Yosef had been home.

That day had been one of the very few were Ivo actually felt _loved_ by his father. Because Yosef took one look at Ivo’s bleeding head and one at Lazar’s guilty face and blown.

On Ivo’s behalf.

He didn’t like the fact that his cousin was getting screamed at but, fuck, if it hadn’t felt nice knowing that his father actually cared enough to yell about it. The wound had scarred because it hadn’t healed nicely. His father hadn’t wanted to take him to a hospital because ‘it just needs a few stitches.’

Which Yosef had done himself, the expert that he was.

It had hurt so bad that Ivo had wanted to cry but he hadn’t been willing to let his father see that because it would have just meant that a beating would have been around the corner. But mothers were mothers and they knew things that fathers could just never catch on to and his had sat the whole time with him, helping keep the tears at bay.

_“He does not need you to hold his hand,” his father snapped, disgust written plainly on his face as he threaded a long curved needle. Boy, did that look painful. “He’s not a baby who needs mama to hold him tight.”_

_Really, Ivo would love for his mother to hold him right now._

_“It is not for his benefit,” his mother snorted though she winked at Ivo knowingly, making him smile, when his father’s back was turned, “It is for me. I’ll cry just watching you stick that thing into my poor baby’s head.”_

_“Pathetic.”_

_His mother just shrugged, not a care in the world as she cupped Ivo’s face in her hands and kissed his nose. “You keep your eyes on me,” she whispered, so soft that Ivo barely even heard. “Eyes here, love.”_

Ivo had cried. He’d tried his hardest not to but a needle digging into his head just hurt too much. But they had been silent tears and his mother kept his face in her hands and for every tear that came down, she wiped it away in less than a second before his father caught wind of it.

Fuck, he missed her.

Absently rubbing the spot where his scar should be, Ivo stared up at the roof of his car as he considered his options. He needed to call Vesela back, that much he knew for sure. He needed her to tell him more about everything that was going on with Joseph. He wasn’t going to stand being in the dark anymore.

But…he also really wanted to hear Joseph’s voice. Ivo called every day but it never had done him any good. The message Joseph had sent him had meant everything but Ivo knew not to push his luck by saying more than a thank you. But God fuck, he missed his kid. He missed everything about him, even when he was being annoying.

However, Ivo was never going to get any of that back until he accepted who Joseph was. And he just didn’t know if he could do that. Plus, did it even matter when Joseph no longer accepted himself? But maybe Ivo’s unacceptance was what drove Joseph to be like that so…if he accepted- “Jesus fucking Christ!” Ivo exclaimed as he jumped when a knock at his window interrupted his thoughts. Raising his head, he glared at Yulian who yanked the door open. “You just gave me a fucking heart attack, jackass.”

Leaning in the door and sticking his head in, Yulian said slowly “What’re you doing?”

Ivo gestured down his body. “Lying down. The fuck does it look like?”

“In your car.”

“Yeah. The fuck do you want?”

Yulian raised a brow as he considered whatever it was he was considering. “I came to get something from my car and found yours still here. Why don’t you go home?”

 _Because I hate it there._ “Too tired to drive.” A slow nod was Yulian’s reply. “Can you go away now? I’m in thinking mode.”

“Not about business, that’s for sure.”

Sighing with all the mental and physical exhaustion he was feeling, Ivo shut his eyes and murmured “Joseph. I’ve been thinking about Joseph.”

He could imagine Yulian nodding and making that face he did when he was holding his tongue. “Ah. And what were you thinking?”

 _Everything._ “That I miss him. That I want my life back. That I wish I just could understand how he could be a homo.”

Check him out not using faggot.

There was quiet surprise in Yulian’s voice when he spoke next. “Why do you want to understand?”

“Because I want my kid back and I’m never going to get him back unless I get behind the whole…” saying gay was a lot harder than he thought it’d be. Hell, it was as hard as not saying fag. “Y’know…homosexual thing.”

“The gay thing.”

Flicking his eyes open and sitting up slowly as to not aggravate his wounds, Ivo muttered “Yeah, the…gay thing.”

Yulian rolled his eyes and snorted “At least you didn’t say ‘fag thing.’ Progress.”

Yeah, actually it was. He was trying here. Picking at the loose string from the seam of his sling, Ivo murmured “How doesn’t it bother you?”

“Why should it? Who he loves doesn’t change who he is. He’s still Joseph. Well…was Joseph. He’s not exactly himself anymore.”

So he’s heard. And it wasn’t even because he was…gay but because Ivo had ruined him. Ivo couldn’t even blame it on the homo-ness. Sighing, Ivo took his keys out of his pocket and shoved it into the ignition. “Fuck off, I’m going home.”

There were a couple phone calls that needed doing.


	87. Chapter 86

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Okay so this chpt is literally just a phone convo. Now, I was going to write a companion piece to it in the other person's pov because I know that y'all are gonna be like 'how'd they take it so well??? Wtf.'  
> But then time got the better of me  
> So if by the end of this chpt you'd still like to see the other pov, lemme know and I'll have it finished up and ready for you guys on Sunday
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Because you’re mighty Kavinsky you get to talk all the shit you like? It’s your fault I got drunk yesterday.”_

“I take things from my dreams,” Joseph recited to the runt lying in bed beside him, rubbing her droopy head softly as she fell asleep. “I create them and bring them back, other-worldly objects brought into the normal world. But sometimes they don’t work and sometimes a lot of practice is needed. It’s almost like a trade; you have to learn the ropes before anything worthwhile can actually come to fruition. You also need to know how to exert proper control or else the dream world won’t work right. It has rules that have to be abided by for a dreamer to properly make it work.”

The pup’s breathing slowed to a soft and steady one, sleep having caught her after her ‘tiring’ day. “And, well, little pup, I’m…I’m a dreamer. I…have the power to pull things from just the fabric of my mind. Not just things but people too. Animals. Everything.”

Joseph rolled to his back and took a deep breath. There. He’d said it all. It…hadn’t been too bad. Saying it aloud had been scary, honestly, because it was always something that had been a secret. His secret that he’d promised never ever to tell.

But now…Joseph felt like if his grandfather had never made him promise…maybe…maybe things would have been different for Joseph. Maybe they’d have been better.

Maybe Joseph should have told someone.

Atanas had and look at him; the epitome of dreamers. Maybe it was finally time for Joseph to share his secret. It’d probably be a much easier secret to swallow without the admittance of deaths but…Atanas had said _tell everything_.

How could someone possibly handle Joseph admitting to murder? _Who_ could even handle that?

Sighing and throwing his arm over his eyes, Joseph groaned when his phone rang for what felt like the hundredth time today. Fuck, it had to be more than that. Swan had been calling repeatedly – messaging too – and while Joseph had considered just turning his phone off, he knew it’d just make Swan show up. How he knew, he wasn’t sure, but he just knew that Swan was worried about him. It was…flattering, really, but Joseph just couldn’t handle anything right now. Especially when he knew he didn’t deserve it.

When the phone vibrated once more, Joseph huffed and blindly reached for it on his nightstand until his hand found it. Tossing off his arm, he glared at Ivo’s name. “Why the fuck you calling twice? That’s new.”

He watched as the phone went silent and was about to toss his phone beside him when it rang again.

Ivo.

Again.

Three times? The hell?

It wasn’t until it rang a fourth time that Joseph grew worried. Ivo was being hella persistent which wasn’t normal. Joseph’s finger hovered over the ignore button but on the last second, he hit answer.

Lord, don’t let him regret this.

With a shaking hand, he put the phone to his ear but didn’t speak a word. He wasn’t sure that he could with the huge lump in his throat. So he waited, both ends silent, probably each one of them waiting for the other to speak. Finally, there was a soft whisper, almost too soft to catch. “Joseph?”

His heart was pounding so hard that he was sure that Ivo could hear it through the phone. He was on the verge of a panic attack, could feel it just lying there below the surface, from Ivo’s voice alone. Resting a shaking hand on the puppy, Joseph closed his eyes and took deep quiet breaths. He could do this. For Ivo to call so many times…it had to be important, didn’t it? Joseph could just…listen and it’d all be fine.

Okay.

“Um…I…” Ivo trailed off in that oh so soft whisper, “I want to start with saying…with, with apologizing.”

Joseph’s eyes flew open.

“I…hurt you, extremely,” there was a nervous laugh after ‘extremely,’ “and uh…I owe you an apology for that. For hurting you. F-For beating you. I’m sorry, brat. I’m am so fucking sorry.”

Oh no no no no no. He couldn’t do this. No. Not a fucking chance. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

“You once said you’d only forgive me if I were to accept you. That I had to give you the most amazing sincere apology in where I admitted all the horrible things I’ve ever done to you. After I swear that you’re not some sin and that you’re…that you’re…g-gay and that that’s a beautiful thing.”

When had he said that? They hadn’t spoken since the beating. Joseph hadn’t spoken to Ivo once after that. And even if he had – which he hadn’t because he sure as fuck would remember that – he wouldn’t have spoken with him for that long to tell him all of that. Tell him things that Joseph didn’t even like saying aloud when he was awake because it made everything true.

Ivo’s voice was hardly steady, the emotionality of the words weighing on him, but he sure as fuck sounded sincere. “I’ve never once lied to you about anything and I’m not starting today. I can’t sit here and tell you that I accept you.”

A pain so severe hit him in the chest that Joseph was convinced he was having a heart attack. He always knew that Ivo just used the phone calls as a chance to rub it in. He fucking knew it.

“I’m not ready for such a huge step. Not yet-”

“Yet?” Joseph whispered in shock before he slapped his hand on his mouth. He hadn’t meant to speak at all. The plan had been just to listen. Fuck him.

Silence followed on the other end of the line before Ivo murmured “Yeah. Yet. I told you I needed time.”

What the fuck conversation did this man keep referencing?

“And I still do. I won’t lie. I don’t get it. At all. And I can’t sit here and say that you’re…a homosexual and call it beautiful. I can’t do it. What I can do, though, is both apologize – sincerely, mind you – for all the horrible things I’ve done as a shitty father. I can own up to that because I know how true it is.”

“The second thing?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask with tears flooding his eyes and his throat so tight that he was sure not even water could make its way down. “You said both.”

Somehow, he could imagine that soft smile Ivo had on occasion on his face. “I can say that you’re not a sin.” Joseph’s eyes went wide as his father continued. “Because who am I, Ivo Kavinsky, _Lord Kavinsky,_ to decide what is and isn’t a sin in the eyes of God when I myself am a sinner. I don’t get it, I don’t accept it, approve it, whatever, but I can’t call you a sinner when I’m one. I don’t get to make that judgement. That’s between you and God.”

Sitting up slowly as he drew up his knees and wrapped an arm around them, Joseph said shakily “C-Can I apologize for something too?”

“Yeah, of course,” his father replied, just that hint of surprise sitting in his tone.

Biting his lip, Joseph’s throat locked up on the words. Was he really…could he? Could he was the real question here. Could he sit here and apologize? It was a step in telling but…fuck if it wasn’t a big deal. And what if he ruined everything? Ivo had literally called him repeatedly just to apologize.

Apologize. Ivo Kavinsky.

If that didn’t mean anything then nothing ever would.

Bringing his shaking hand to his mouth and chewing on his pinkie nail nervously, Joseph whispered “I-I’m…I’m s-sorry for…for…k-k…”

He couldn’t so this. This was so much harder than he imagined. How did one just apologize for killing someone? Plus, it didn’t even make any fucking sense. ‘Hey, soooo, you’re actually dead and right now you’re actually this thing I pulled from my head? But not a zombie; that’s something entirely different.’

Yeah, that’d fucking work.

“For…?”

Taking a deep breath, Joseph blurted before he lost his nerve “For killing you. I’m sorry for killing you.”

All that met him was silence and really, what had he been expecting? It didn’t make sense. Joseph knew that when he’d said it to his mother months ago in the dark of the night that she’d only been amusing him and his apology for killing her husband. She probably just thought that he was still stuck in whatever nightmare had found him that night.

“I…think you already apologized for that, didn’t you?” Ivo said. Joseph blinked stupidly at the pup as she yawned and stretched in her place, blinking sleepily back at him. “I…still have no clue what you mean but…”

“The fuck conversation do you keep referencing?” Joseph asked, not able to hold it in anymore because he needed to know. He couldn’t believe when his heart jumped just a little from cursing in front of his father. All he could think about was the times he’d had soap in his mouth. “The hell are you talking about?”

His father fell silent, nothing but the sound of his quiet breath coming through the phone. But it was a thinking breathing, not a ‘he cursed, where’s the soap’ one. That was good. “The…uh…we…huh.”

“You realize you and I haven’t spoken since you beat the shit out of me, right?” Forget meek and on the verge of panic Joseph, he was full on confused and he hated being confused so he resorted to being pissed instead.

“No…we have.”

“No, no we haven’t.”

“Yes, we have,” Ivo repeated, his tone much more firm like he was completely convinced that his fabled conversation had taken place. “In…in my room. On the floor. At the foot of the bed.”

A snort erupted from him, killing all nerves and goodwill he’d had a second ago. “In your room on the floor at the foot of the bed.”

“Yes.”

“That’s fucking bull-” Joseph froze, memories assaulting his mind.

In his parents’ room.

On the floor.

At the foot of the bed.

The dream.

“You…how do you know about that?” Joseph whispered, his mind going a hundred miles an hour. “It’d been a dream, a fucking figment of my fucked up imagination. How-”

Ivo was technically a figment of Joseph’s imagination, wasn’t he? And everything that came from a dreamer was connected. They were intertwined for the rest of Joseph’s days. Hadn’t Atanas hinted at something all that time ago? Something that Joseph hadn’t understood and for the life of him, at the moment, couldn’t even remember. But it’d been important, he knew that.

“A dream?” Ivo asked. “What are you talking about?”

Honestly, Joseph wasn’t sure he knew anymore. “Look, fuck it. You apologized, thank you. I’m not a sin, thank you. That’s only two out of four. Don’t call-”

“Dammit, Joseph, just give me minute here.”

“You’ve got two because I’m generous like that.”

“Okay, okay, just- look. Apology accepted for whatever the hell that means-”

“I killed you,” Joseph snapped, reaching the end of his patience rope because he hated being confused and off his game. Ivo had thrown him very very off. “Okay, it’s simple. _I killed you_. I put a goddamn bullet in your head! By accident but that’s not the point! Yell at me or something!”

“So…you…put a bullet in me.”

“Yes!”

“So I’m…dead.”

Lord, Ivo probably thought that Joseph was high as fuck right now speaking this shit. “Yes! I dissolved your body in my fucking _shower_.”

“With acid, I imagine.”

Was that… _amusement_ in his voice. “Can you take this fucking seriously? I’m trying to tell you something here!”

“That you killed me by shooting me?” Ivo said with some skepticism. “How about instead of yelling about it, you just explain it?”

Huffing furiously and slapping a hand on his face making the pup glance at him with her innocent curiosity, Joseph took a slow steady breath. Explain. Wasn’t that what he’d been reciting for the whole afternoon? “You beat me.”

“Okay.”

“You paused to…do what, I’ve no idea.” He really didn’t want to bring up how apparently Ivo was never actually going to use the gun. Fuck Atanas and his knowing mind. “But you reached for your gun while saying scary bullshit.” Repeating the words would only drop him into panic mode. “And…I freaked.”

“And…I assume…took the gun from me?”

“S-Something like that, yeah. Then you sort of…splattered all over my room.”

“Okay,” Ivo replied, with Joseph imagining him shrugging with the easy nature of his voice. “So you killed me. So how am I still around?”

Joseph wasn’t sure what was harder; admitting to murder or talking about his long kept secret. Just because he’d been reciting didn’t mean it was ready to be tested. “I…I remade you. Like…from my head.” If there were crickets around, they’d be so loud right now. “F-From my dreams.”

There was a stifling silence from the other line. What Joseph said was so far from what he’d been practicing and didn’t sound nearly as eloquent but his words had disappeared the moment he looked for them. “Like from your mind,” Ivo eventually said.

“Uh…yeah.” He didn’t think anything of the silence because it was expected but when it turned into minutes upon minutes, Joseph couldn’t help himself. “Hello?”

“I’m here, just thinking.”

“Oh…about?”

“That so much makes sense right now.”

Joseph pulled the phone away from his ear and blinked at it in confusion as if it was the embodiment of his father and it was his face that he was staring at. Placing it back between his shoulder and ear, Joseph said “What?” He wasn’t freaked until his father started to laugh, somewhat hysterically. “Uhh…”

“It just all makes sense now! Jesus fucking Christ.”

Yup, the man had officially fallen off his rocker. “It makes sense what I told you?”

“Sadly.”

“So you get that you are quite dead and now quite undead and that you came from my head… Look, man, I’m probably mentally insane but for you just to accept it like nothing…I’m thinking you’re the insane one.”

“Joseph, I used to have voices in my head. Trust me, I already know that I’m nuts.”

He couldn’t believe it but he was rolling his eyes like they were just having a normal everyday conversation and hadn’t totally not spoken in years. “Auditory hallucinations just mean that your ill, not insane- wait…used to?”

“Seems your creation missed a little something. Two little somethings actually.”

That was one of the main things he’d been worried about. He’d had no way of recreating the voices and had just hoped for the best. Apparently his best hadn’t been any good. And he didn’t even want to know what the other thing he had missed was. “Oh.”

“Hmm, yeah, oh.”

“You’re…taking this well. In a freaky sort of way.” In a very freaky sort of way. There was a heavy sigh and a grunt of pain but Ivo stayed silent. “So me saying I take shit out of my head makes complete sense to you? That I’ve killed you and remade you?”

“Yup.”

Scratching his head while knowing he was making a very ugly looking confused face, Joseph replied “Um…I don’t even know what to say. I’ve kept this secret all my life and for you to just…accept it like it’s nothing is fuck ass weird.”

“If I’m dead…do I still go to hell when I die again?”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“What? Why?” Ivo asked with a startled panic and a thread of pain. Maybe his wounds hadn’t healed well enough yet? “We’re just talking.”

At face value, yeah, that sounded totally fine. But for Joseph, it sure as fuck was not totally fine. Everything wasn’t just peachy and dandy and whatever the fuck. Life was still life and his was still fucked. “And that there is the problem. I don’t want to just talk. I have conditions, conditions which you know, so when you can meet them, come back.”

With that he hung up.

One confession down, two to go. And he was already feeling better too. Lighter. Hell, if his father could accept all that shit just like that then it’d be a walk in the park telling his mother.

Easy fucking peasy.


	88. Chapter 87

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Irrelevant but I did another digital drawing if you wanna click my tumblr and see. It's Marcella from Vengeful by V.E. Schwab. This character is literally the best written female character I've ever read.
> 
> So the companion piece mentioned last chpt is done! It's in the Snapshots, go check it outttt  
> Also, yes, I'm still working on that 1000 hit special Snapshot  
> Any and all requests are of course welcome anytime
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“You FUCKING PROMISED! YOU PROMISED ME!”_

_Dear my (still) beloved Bromilio,_

 

“Why the hell don’t we have envelopes,” Joseph grumbled, mostly to himself but the pup happened to be listening too, as he searched the box where they generally kept office shit in the hall closet. Without an actual office anymore, everything had been crammed in a closet. Honestly, it made little sense because they had four empty rooms so they could easily make one an office but without Ivo needing one, they hadn’t bothered. “Ugh.”

Sitting back on his ass with the runt taking a seat beside him, Joseph dumped the contents of the storage container onto the floor. He probably just missed them.

_I bet this is one hell of a surprise that is either going to be met with anger or happiness. I’m obviously hoping for the latter but I understand if it isn’t. I really hope that you’re doing okay and that life is treating you nice because you deserve it._

Okay, so no envelopes. Wonderful. Now he had to fucking go out which was something he’d been planning on avoiding for a very long time. With a sigh, Joseph began to toss everything back in, only slightly organized, as his mother came walking out from her room. She halted and leaned against the wall, a very constipated smile on her face. She was nervous, that much was obvious. “Hey.”

Pausing his tossing to test out on his arm a purple permanent marker he’d found, Joseph murmured “Hi.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever,” he said quietly as he set the marker to the side and continued dropping everything back in. “Forget it.” If he was going to bare his soul to this woman, he needed to move his ass on. So Ivo knew that Joseph had been raped. Big whoop. Maybe that was what had pushed the man into apologizing.

Huh…was that a positive or negative thing?

Joseph wasn’t sure.

Hell, Ivo probably wanted to find a way to bring it up had they stayed talking longer.

_I wouldn’t be surprised if you just outright ripped up this letter. I split and never bothered talking to you for the past few years and I deserve every ounce of anger you feel from that. I’m a dumbass, this isn’t news, but it was just easier on me._

_Honestly, that’s probably a lie._

“I shouldn’t have-”

“Mayko, really,” Joseph sighed in exhaustion as he tossed a broken pencil in, “just forget it.”

She opened her mouth to speak, most likely ready to keep going, but she took his words to heart and instead asked “What are you looking for?”

“Envelope. We got any?”

Depressingly for Joseph, she shook her head. “Finished them like a month ago and kept forgetting to buy a box. Why?”

“Nothing,” he muttered, yanking away the other half of the pencil from the runt. “I’ll just go buy some.”

“Stamps too.” Lovely. Hopefully no one who’d want to stop and chat with him were looking for envelopes and stamps at this time of evening. “And there’s a mailbox on Woodward on your way back from Walmart, you can just drop it there.”

“Thanks.” He could tell that she was dying to ask what ‘it’ was but after the shit from earlier, her tongue was held firm in her mouth. Walmart would be the cheapest and fastest but he could run into _anyone_ there. Was it worth the risk?

_This isn’t the point of this letter though; I’m not going to waste paper and my thoughts. I hope you’ve found a special someone by now who treats you as special as you should be treated. I can lie and say that I’m happy but honestly, I’m jealous of whoever gets you. The only place people can hide from the truth is when they’re awake, busy with the world. Ironically, I find that letter writing forces you to say the truth whether you like it or not. It’s a forceful bitch like the world of dreams; digging and digging until the truth is spilled._

It only took him a second to decide that, yes, it definitely was. Plus, what were the chances that one of the guys suddenly needed something from Walmart this time of day? And anyways, Walmart was huge. They wouldn’t run into each other. With that decided, he got to his feet and put the container back in the closet. “You need anything?”

“Doll could use a couple cans of food. I don’t like just giving her dry.”

Joseph shut his eyes and grimaced. “You did not just call the runt ‘Doll.’”

It almost sounded like she was laughing at him. “Oh, I did. I’m going to call her Doll. I’m going to get a charm made tomorrow.”

Oh dear God no. Joseph was the king of terrible naming but he wasn’t that bad. Opening his eyes and shutting the closet, he spun around to face his mother. “We aren’t naming her Doll. No way in hell.”

Eyes glittering in superior challenge, his mother replied “Why not? I wanna name her Doll.”

“Yeah, well, no. I’m not calling this stupid poor thing that. That’s terrible, mayko. You want her to get bullied in school?”

His mother burst into laughter, even snorting once, as she said “Well, then, you give her a better name.”

_And the truth is that I miss you, love you, and wish I could have you back. I told you that I’d never regret us being us and that will always be true even if I hate every ounce of my faggot ass. But seriously, I’m just wasting paper here. The point of this letter is to tell you something that honestly, I’ve always wanted to tell you but I could never seem to find the way to say it._

Glaring at the pup at his feet and having a feeling that he just fell into a cunning plan, Joseph picked her up and held her simba-style. “What to name you…” She blinked at him, her wrinkly face dropping extra with the gravity. She was kind of brown…definitely wrinkly…she kind of acted like Peanut even though she wasn’t a cat… “Walnut,” Joseph decided with surety. It was perfect. “She’s going to be Walnut.”

Nodding while making a ‘mulling it over’ face, she said “I like it. And she’s even wrinkly.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking,” Joseph nodded as he set her back on the floor. Taking a settling breath, Joseph spun off to his room, calling “I’ll be off then.”

_If there was only one person I ever wanted to tell, it was you because I trust you more than anyone. But it’s pretty insane what I have to say. And I’d totally get it if you just think I’m insane because I would too if someone told me what I’m about to say._

_In simple terms, I guess the simplest way to say this is, well, I’m sorta magical. And no, I don’t mean that in some stupid ass cheesy way._

_I literally mean that I have my own sort of magic._

“Envelopes,” he murmured to himself as he grabbed a box off the shelf, “and…where do I buy stamps here?”

Hmm.

Singing under his breath as he walked to where people paid bills because he could at least ask there if nothing else, Joseph stopped in the pet aisle, finding the one with dog food. Pft, as if he’d actually let his mother call the poor thing ‘Doll.’

Jesus, that was just plain terrible. Worse than kiddie-him could ever think of. And kiddie-him sucked at naming things.

He grabbed a few cans and made his way to the other side of the store to go find himself some stamps.

There was a letter waiting to be sent.

_I can take things from my dreams. Yeah, that sounds stupid but it’s the truth. I’m a dreamer; I have a world inside my head where I can craft anything and everything if I know how, which I can then bring back into the world. It’s supposedly genetic and supposedly a gift though I can’t say that I’ve ever felt that it was. There are of course rules and repercussions for breaking the rules. Do you remember those times when you’d ask me about a scar and I had no way of explaining it?_

_Well, now I do._

“We only sell books, not singles.”

“That’s fine,” Joseph shrugged. He just needed some fucking stamps dammit. “I’ll take that. Thank you.”

The man nodded as he rang it up. “You want to pay for those here?”

Joseph glanced at the box of envelopes and cans of food and shrugged. Why not make his life easier? “Yeah, sure,” he answered as he handed them over. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” the cashier replied with a smile as he totaled everything. “Makes life easier, you know?”

_Sometimes the dream can go wrong or becomes a nightmare. Just like I can take nice things, bad things can come back too. You’re probably thinking ‘well, what kind of things???’ and the answer is everything. Even impossible things that shouldn’t even make sense or work. Anything and everything if I craft it right. It takes a lot of practice and, weirdly, self-love which is probably why my skills have been shit of late. You remember that tiny little helicopter drone thing I gave you? And it had that microphone where we could hear anything and its range was crazy insane where we literally flew it across the river only for it to hit a building? Stupidly, I now realize I should have put a camera on the damn thing instead of just the little map radar screen on the remote but that’s not the point here. You wondered how in the world it worked and where I’d gotten it from. I told you it was a secret._

Pausing in front of the in-store McDonalds, Joseph wondered if he should grab anything. He wasn’t exactly hungry even though he hadn’t eaten in forever but…a drink couldn’t hurt. When was the last time he’d had a McFlurry? Forever, man. M&M or Reece’s? Decisions, decisions decisions… Oreo?

He walked up to the counter and smiled back at the cashier woman. “Hi, what can I get for you?”

“Uhhh…” Joseph squinted at the pictures of the McFlurrys. They all looked good… “Can I get…I guess the M- no, no the Reece’s McFlurry? And…a small…fry. Yeah, that’ll be it.”

“Sure thing,” she replied as she put it in, ringing up his total to which he handed over the cash. “It’ll be just a bit.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Joseph yawned as he took his receipt and went to a small table waaaay in the corner. Hopefully, if there was someone, they wouldn’t see him back here. He didn’t exactly stick out as long as he kept his head down and his hat low.

_All those crazy impossible things came from my dreams. Some things took more work than others. But it’s not just things I can take out, I also can take out animals. Remember the story of the squirrel? It was my first successful animal. Living things are way more complex and all the other times, I’d end up with things that had their insides outside and whatnot. Dreaming of course takes a toll on the dreamer’s body which is why I always looked exhausted. I wasn’t just an insomniac – though that definitely didn’t help – but I was also exerting so much in my sleep._

Munching on a fry as he walked out of Walmart, he tried to remember which direction he’d parked in and hoped it was left because that was the way he was going. Pulling out his keys while jumbling the bag of stuff, his fries, and his McFlurry, Joseph clicked the unlock button and watched his Evo flash two aisles over. Damn, he’d parked that far?

“Kavinsky?”

Oh fuck no.

_I can also take out people which sounds insane, I know. But it’s true and I’ve done it three times so far. Three successful times I should say because I’ve taken out tons of failures. The more complicated something is, the more practice I need. For example, the car I drive right now is actually from my head and that shit took LOTS of practice. I even got myself stuck in one once because it didn’t have a single door. Crazy, I know._

_But back to the people point._

_We got into a fight once when I was looking like a fucking mess and you were worried – you always worried for me – and it was that time Alicia saw us. I was all high strung already from my shitty morning and then everything just got worse from there._

_Yeah, well, my morning had been shitty because my night had been a nightmare._

Could he just keep walking? Act like he hadn’t heard?

Yeah, that was brilliant.

“Kavinsky! Hold up, man!”

Joseph walked faster.

_I’d been spending my nights learning how to dream a person at the insistence of a dream companion of mine. I hadn’t liked the idea but supposedly as a dreamer, it was something I was supposed to master. And that night, I finally had._

_Problem was, I had no idea what to do with the boy afterwards. I’d created little dream drugs here and there before, sort of like dream enhancers, so the immediate solution I thought of was a pill that would essentially kill him._

_And then I dissolved him in my shower with acid._

_I wasn’t sure what else I could do and that was all I could think of. I spent the next morning sick because I literally had just killed someone._

_But that dream boy is hardly the worst of my sins._

“Yo, man, what the hell!”

Yanking open his door, Joseph threw the bag onto the passenger seat and hastily set his dessert in the cup holder. The fries somehow ended up a strew mess on the console but Joseph hardly gave a fuck right now. He’d thought for sure he’d made it but a hand grabbed his door before he could close it and pulled it open with more force than Joseph had to close it.

“The hell, Kavinsky? You avoiding me?”

Actually, yes, yes he was. Or rather, he had been hoping to. There was no way he could handle facing him right now.

_The day we were caught, my dad beat me. I lied, obviously, and told you something different and I’ve no idea if you ever learned the truth in the past few years but this is it. He beat me so bad that from the pain, I’d rather have been dead. So bad that my mother swore that if she didn’t know who I was, she’d never recognize me under the swelling, blood, and bruises. The beating wasn’t the worst part of that day though. I remember it for something far worse._

_I became a real life killer that day._

_You’re probably thinking ‘the hell? What do you mean?’ and this is where I say ‘that’s the truth as insane as it sounds.’_

_I killed my father from my fear._

“Please let go of the door,” Joseph said without looking at him in a far stronger voice than he expected because he sure as fuck was feeling immensely defeated right now. “Please.”

“What’s wrong? You okay? Swan was asking about you all day.”

Funny how the one who was looking for him, the one who cared, was the one that he’d never gotten along with. The one who’d never even liked him. “Let go.”

“I’m just trying to talk here.”

Clenching a fist in frustration, Joseph glared at Prokopenko and snapped “I’m aware! Now fucking _let go._ ”

Prokopenko tilted his head and blinked slowly. That was the problem with this Proko version, he just seemed a little…eh. Pliable. Willing to please. No backbone when the one thing Joseph had liked the most about him was the way he stood up for not only himself but his beliefs and other people. “Huh… Swan thinks me and you fought or something. No one seems to get that we just got drunk.”

Fuck, he just couldn’t handle this right now. Why couldn’t God just take mercy on him _once_?

_He was saying things that scared me and then he reached for the back of his waistband where he keeps his gun. I panicked and thought he didn’t want me anymore. Who wanted a cocksucker as a son? In my panic, I guess…survival instincts kicked in. I rushed him. Took the gun that fell and…well, I fired._

_I didn’t mean for it to happen. I swear._

_The bullet went straight through his head. He splattered and dropped to the floor. He was very very dead and I was stuck in a bad situation. I was too afraid to tell anyone; I know everyone would have understood, I know it would’ve been self-defense, I know that your dad would have made sure that everything could have been okay…_

_But between telling the truth and never having my mom look at me the same, I picked my mom._

_I bet you know where I’m going with this._

“Yes, we got drunk,” Joseph sighed, trying to calm his panicked breathing. Falling victim to an attack would do him no good right now. “I’m not mad at you. I just needed to be alone, okay?”

Fake Prokopenko nodded, his eyes looking a little too…’yes sir’ for Joseph.

But it was way too late. Nothing to do about it.

“Now can you seriously fuck off? I really don’t want to see your face today. Or maybe even tomorrow.”

Confusion glittered in Proko’s eyes. “Why not? You just said that you aren’t mad.”

Huffing in frustration, Joseph replied stiffly “Why the fuck do I have to explain myself to you? Seriously. Fuck. Off.”

Prokopenko was looking just a bit pissed right now and thank God that he looked appropriate while doing it. He looked like the real angry Proko. One less worry off his mind. “Why the fuck do you have to be an ass about it? Isn’t it enough that I have Viktor around harping on my head? Or what? Because you’re _mighty_ Kavinsky you get to talk all the shit you like? It’s your fault I got drunk yesterday.”

And that sounded just a little too close to ‘it’s your fault I died yesterday.’

_He’s practically perfect and only he has noticed the difference. Everyone thinks they’re still talking with Ivo Kavinsky, none of them wise to the fact that he’s actually just a forgery. But my sins hardly stop there. Instead of the tattoos I have, I should have just had ‘FUCK UP’ done in nice big letters._

_I killed someone yesterday. Ironically, with a gun. And even more ironically because God likes to fuck with me, they were shot in the head._

_I wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger, that was his own doing, but I did give him the gun. I swore that it was empty. I didn’t once think that he’d end up hurting or killing himself. He was just supposed to look. The funny thing about all of this is that the gun really was empty._

_And yet it still killed him._

_How you ask?_

“You know what?” Joseph snapped as he shoved Prokopenko out of the way and jumped out of his car, “Why don’t you just shut the fuck up about yesterday?”

With challenge bristling in his eyes and anger exhibited in every ounce of his body, Prokopenko crossed his arms.

And clenched his jaw.

He clenched his jaw.

Joseph’s heart stopped.

_It was a gun pulled from my dreams. It was built exactly as it should be and yet even with the safety on and the magazine empty, it seemed to have the ability to fire. Which was how he ended up killing himself._

_I killed him through my stupidity._

_And I remade him through my numbness._

_I didn’t feel a thing. I’d cried a little, threw up a bit, but after that…nothing._

_The angels had already chipped away what was left of my heart._

_You have no reason to believe a single word of what I’ve written; I know it just sounds like I’m absolutely insane. Maybe it would have been better if I was. But I’m telling you this now because I’m tired of my secret. I’m tired of the weight it’s put on me and I regret not going with my gut and telling you years ago. I’ve bared my soul on this paper and I hope you not only accept it but believe the truth I’ve written._

The tic.

It wasn’t there.

It wasn’t fucking there.

Prokopenko was saying something but Joseph hardly heard, let alone registered the words. His eyes were glued to the spot just under Prokopenko’s ear where a certain muscle was supposed to be pulsing with Proko’s anger.

But it wasn’t.

It didn’t even look like there was a muscle there. Not a thing showed nor moved.

The tic was gone.

He’d made a mistake.

A monumental mistake.

_I hope this letter finds you well and your family too because I love them too. Not the way I love you but you know what I mean._

_I hope the person you found is every sort of special you deserve._

_I hope you know that I’ll always love you because you’re the most beautiful sort of person._

_I hope you made it to the end of this letter without ripping it to pieces._

_I hope you forgive me for being such a horrible human being._

“Are you even fucking listening?”

Joseph blinked away from that spot that wasn’t doing what it was supposed to, panic rising in his throat. _Everyone_ knew about Proko’s tic. All of them laughed at him for it because it was the one sure fire way to know when Prokopenko was pissed.

And now it was gone.

The one stupid thing Joseph should have made sure of and it hadn’t even occurred to him.

He’d very monumentally fucked up.

And now everyone was going to wonder what the fuck had happened yesterday. All because of a stupid fucking tic.

Joseph was fucked. There was no fixing this.

It was too late. It was over.

He’d fucked up.

 

_Sincerely and with love,_

_Your (hopefully) beloved Broseph_


	89. Chapter 88

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> If I start doing three chapters a week, would you guys prefer I do it the normal way with updates on Tuesdays as well or have two chapters on Thursdays? I'm trying to get us done and over the megahill. We're actually super close to meeting ronan and the dream thieves timeline  
> Lemme know your thoughts
> 
> Also, anyone here read Ve Schwab's Villians series? Yeah, I know I've mentioned it before but I happen to have an extra tote and I want to see if anyone wants to trade. Details [ here ](https://sam-bam-16.tumblr.com/post/178901810191/trading-totes-anyone)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Five more minutes of giving you space and I would’ve have nightmares for the rest of my life.”_

Despite having done this thrice before, Joseph was afraid. There was no ‘you might survive’ in this situation.

It was either live.

Or die.

_“I don’t…understand,” his mother said in confusion, her voice wavering just that little bit. “What do you mean he’s dead?”_

_“It’s simple,” Joseph replied with a smile full of flourish. It was time to tell the last person of his dirty dirty deeds. He’d almost not put the envelope in the mailbox but something forced him to push it in. With that out of the way, Joseph just had the woman before him left. “I put a bullet in your husband’s head. An accident but a bullet nonetheless.”_

_Thing was, by the time he came around to telling her, Joseph couldn’t give two fucks anymore. Hell, he couldn’t even give one fuck. His just needed to do this before it was time._

_“What?”_

_“I put a bullet in your husband’s head and killed him. It was when you were having the time of your life in Italy and I was being brutally beaten for being a faggot.”_

_“Baby-”_

_Joseph waved a hand in front of her, “No, no, no. I’m still talking. Let’s do this quick and easy and I’d say painless but that’s just fucking impossible. I can take things from my dreams. I make them in my mind, in the forest of my dream, and bring them back. It can be anything at all, doesn’t matter.”_

_Biting her thumbnail that probably didn’t have much nail left, his mother asked “So…you just think of something, make it, and bam?”_

_“Just about,” Joseph nodded, leaning on the other side of the island from her. “Go ahead now, call me insane. Tell me that I’m crazy and then ask how high I am. Go ahead.”_

_She took a deep breath then, a deep deep breath that rivaled the lung capacity of the big bad wolf, and leaned forward with her arms resting opposite his as she looked him over closely. “I wouldn’t say that you’re any higher than usual. Or at least you don’t look it. So obviously I’m missing something here.”_

_Rubbing his face tiredly because his day had been just too fucking long and wasn’t even over yet, Joseph replied “I’m a dreamer; I take things from my head. Dyádo was the only one who knew because it seems your dyádo was one too. It’s genetic.”_

_“Are we not using the term dreamer in the traditional sense?”_

_“Can you please just fucking keep up!” Joseph couldn’t help but snap. He just couldn’t do this anymore. “You said you could handle anything I tell you; this is me fucking telling you the only God fucking thing that matters!”_

_She was hardly thrown by his yelling. Leaning just that bit closer, his mother stared at him straight in the eye, her bright emeralds almost looking powerful. “Tell me. I’m listening.”_

_Joseph tossed off his hat and ran a hand through his hair before shutting his eyes and swallowing hard. With a deep breath and the opening of his eyes, Joseph said “I can make things in my dreams and take them out. But it takes practice and expert crafting.”_

_“What kind of things?”_

_He was calmed when she actually sounded serious rather than skeptical. “Anything. I just have to know the ins and outs and I should be able to do it. Larger or more complex things take more practice but small things or sometimes even things I didn’t consciously think of are easy. These things don’t even have to exist or be possible in this world.”_

_Nodding slowly and looking like she was seriously processing his words, she asked “Your dyádo knew?”_

_“Yeah,” Joseph replied with his own nod. “I didn’t tell but he figured it out. That’s when he told me about prádyádo which is probably who my power came from.” Joseph didn’t bother mentioning his theory about Ivo; it’d just throw her focus off. She nodded again but said nothing so Joseph continued on. “I can even take out living things provided I study their anatomy for it to come out properly.”_

_It was like a light went off in her mind. “The squirrel. Two in the morning.”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“Okay,” she shrugged like this was all nothing. “You’re a dreamer. You can take things from your dreams and, I bet, from your nightmares.”_

_He blinked back at her in surprise. “Well…yeah, yeah, I can. Not that anyone wants to but-”_

_“It happens. Like when you wake up bleeding or when I saw you literally sleep-choking. Am I on the mark?”_

_You know, he’d completely forgotten about that whole incident. That had to speak to how often his dreams were fucked that he barely ever registered them. “Bullseye, actually. Dreaming comes with control and I don’t have an ounce of it. Especially of late. Whatever control I used to have went kaput after I kinda sorta killed your husband.”_

_Taking a deep breath because she must have realized that they seriously needed to tackle that subject, his mother clasped her hands together and said carefully “Break that down for me.”_

_God, if telling people about dreaming was that simple, why the hell had he been keeping a secret all these years? His grandfather had fucked him over on this. “Okay, well…uh…you…don’t know the details of that day, obviously, but uh…me and Emilio got caught.”_

_“Right.”_

_“And Ivo is a terrifying bastard.”_

_“Agreed.”_

_“And so…he threw Emilio out and then beat the hell out of me.”_

_Her eyes turned to something fierce and knowing that she was still unbelievably pissed about that made him feel good. “God break his hands.”_

_This wasn’t the time to add ‘and feet.’ “Yeah, so…um…I-I…uh guess he needed to take a breath and then he started saying…some scary stuff and…” Not able to meet her gaze for this part, Joseph looked down at his shaking hands where his fingers were trying to rip each other apart. “He reached…h-he r-reached for his gun and I didn’t know what he was going to do with it s-so I…I panicked.”_

_She said nothing at this pause and he wasn’t sure if that bothered him or not. Worried him a little maybe because everything rested on her reaction right now. If she took this well, then Joseph knew that he’d fucked up both their lives by not telling the truth when it happened and if she took it bad…_

_If she took it bad then he’d be proven right._

_For once, he didn’t want to be right._

_“I-I panicked and I didn’t mean to b-but it just…happened.”_

_“What happened, Joseph.” Her voice was so blank, like she was deliberately hiding what she was feeling. He wished that she wasn’t._

_Dropping his head into his hands as the whole world came crashing down on him because even though he’d said this before and had written it too, suddenly, this was the only confession that meant anything and Joseph wished he’d never started this. He could literally lose everything right now because his mother was his everything._

_Why the fuck would he think that she’d just accept him after confessing to murder?_

_Tears welled in his eyes because he knew that this was it._

_This was the end._

Why was this so much scarier than anything else he’d ever tried? His hand was literally shaking and tears were streaming down his face as he sat here on his balcony, looking out at his backyard. This was the best place to do it.

Easy cleanup.

Heaving with breath after breath as he cried, Joseph shut his eyes and bit down on his lip for one last time because hell if that wasn’t nostalgic.

He clicked the safety off.

Put the muzzle to his temple.

And took his finger off the guard.

_“I-I shot him,” he cried, not daring to uncover his face to see the end of his life. “I-I d-didn’t mean to, I s-swear, mayko, I s-swear. But it fucking happened. I didn’t mean to. I-I didn’t.”_

_Maybe it was because he was crying that she actually took his words to heart. Maybe it was because he’d apologized all those months ago and everything was starting to add up in her brain._

_Joseph would never know._

_Because he’d never ask._

_“A-And he splattered and dropped and d-d-died! I-I’m s-s-so sorry.” When her silence continued, he finally, finally, picked up his head because he just needed to know. He wasn’t sure if there were tears on her face as an effect of seeing him cry or she actually understood. “Mayko?”_

_She didn’t even wipe the tears falling down her face as she shook her head. “Your insane.”_

_It was like she just stuck a knife straight through his heart. Here he was telling her everything and more while crying the most painful tears he’d had since he had gotten here and she…she just wanted to call him crazy for it? “M-Mayko, I’m trying to tell you the truth here. I’m not crazy.”_

_His mother shook her head more forcefully. Somewhere deep down, Joseph knew that she had grasped the whole situation and the puzzle pieces were clicking in place one by one. Pieces that had been jumbled and upside down for years were suddenly and finally fitting correctly. “You’re insane,” she repeated as she took a step back from the island._

_From him._

_Not once did her head stop shaking. “You’re high and insane. Insane.”_

_“I’m telling you the truth,” he practically whimpered. She’d put up with everything, taken everything head on, and she couldn’t just take this one more thing for him? Just one more damn thing? “I’m not God fucking proud of it o-or bragging or whatever, I’m trying to get this stupid fucking guilt that has been eating me alive for years off m-my chest a-and you want to turn your back on me? You promised to shoulder the world for me. You promised!”_

_Cupping her mouth and nose with her hands while still shaking her head like she just flat out refused to accept what she was now understanding, she said through her hands “You’re crazy and high. You’ve no idea-”_

_“I know what the fuck I’m saying!” it wasn’t just agony ripping him apart anymore but fury too. Fury and hate at the rejection she was blatantly serving. “You fucking promised! You said I could tell you anything!” Grabbing the nearest thing that he could reach – just so happened to be little snack bowl that wasn’t where it was supposed to be – he flung it right next to her head, causing her to jump. “You FUCKING PROMISED! YOU PROMISED ME!”_

_He knew this was going to happen._

_He knew it, he knew it, he knew it._

_And he deserved it._

His mother was the last thing he’d had in his life.

Now he had nothing.

  

* * *

 

Sure, this was Henrietta but leaving the door unlocked seemed fuck ass stupid.

Walking in quietly, Finlay took stock of the huge house. Lord, this place was _insane._ And…kind of creepy. You could tell that someone lived here but…it didn’t feel lived in. It made sense when you thought about it hard enough. When Kavinsky had said that his stupid house wasn’t a home, he hadn’t been joking because even Finlay could feel the emptiness of this place. The screams of nothing in the walls.

“Hello?” he said but even to his ears, he knew that he was just way too quiet. No one would hear him and…wasn’t that the point? Or else why hadn’t he knocked or rung the bell?

Well, because something…just told him not to. And he was going to trust that instinct.

Shutting the door softly behind himself, Finlay made his way in deeper as though this was some mission. A journalist on assignment or something. “Hello?” he practically whispered. “Kavinsky?” he tried a little louder though it was still no good.

Peeking into the kitchen, he saw no evidence of anything although that chipped cabinet looked suspicious. Walking around the island and into the main kitchen, he stooped down and picked up a plate. Probably thrown which was what caused the dent? So someone had been angry and maybe still was.

There was a little jiggle noise which literally made him panic because while he didn’t think Kavinsky would get him in trouble for trespassing, he’d still be pissed, Finlay watched as some weird little brown puppy dashed towards him. When it reached him still crouching on the floor, it paced back and forth all the while whimpering at him. “Hey there,” Finlay whispered, petting its tiny head. This had to be a new addition to the family because it was tiny as fuck. “Can you show me where your master is? Joseph? You know Joseph, little one?” Obviously she didn’t answer but she whimpered again. “You hungry maybe?”

He wasn’t sure if that was the answer but nonetheless, he checked out the cupboards until he found a can of food. The puppy bounced at his feet and with a happily wagging tail, showed him where her bowl was. Dumping her food in, he laughed as she dunked in. “Guess feeding time was forgotten, huh? Was someone busy yelling?”

Giving the puppy one last pat on the head, Finlay made his way to the stairs, slipping off his shoes once he reached them after noticing the other shoes, and began his ascent. Everything was still eerily silent but that didn’t mean that everything was fine. Hell, it usually meant that everything _wasn’t._

Finlay came to a stop at the first door he reached, his ears perking with interesting when he heard sniffles. Peeking in, Finlay’s heart stopped. With a deep breath because he had to stay calm for this to go okay, Finlay made his way into the room that he would have loved taking the time to examine on any other day just to see the truth behind Kavinsky.

Now definitely wasn’t the time for that though.

The balcony doors were open so Finlay didn’t have to worry about making noise by opening them as he quietly stepped out. Kavinsky hadn’t even registered him yet – he sure looked busy though – when Finlay thought that maybe distance would be better. Safer for both of them. Carefully and quietly, he took a few steps back into the room and sat down softly on the little table. Hopefully it’d hold his weight.

“Joseph,” Finlay whispered to no response. “Joseph.” The hand holding the gun shook violently like Kavinsky was trying his damndest to block out Finlay’s voice. “Joseph,” he said again but a little louder, “Hey.”

“Please,” came the softest cry, “please just go away.”

“C’mon, you know I ain’t gonna do that.”

The hand shook more and Finlay wondered if he could move fast enough to get that gun before Joseph fired. A tiny shaky breath erupted from the figure sitting with his back to him, “Please go.”

Rubbing his hands together quietly to sort of ground himself and his thoughts, Finlay said “Look, I’ve been where you are. Not specifically with a gun but I’ve been there. I know how the world is looking through your eyes right now. I’ve _felt_ how the world is looking to you right now. And I can promise you it’ll get better. It looks and feels horrible now but, Joseph, I promise it’ll turn up.”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep,” Joseph replied, his sniffles becoming a little more than that. “Or make ones that you’re willing to break.”

“It’s one I’ll damn well keep. Because I’ve experienced it and I know that it’ll get better even if that light looks so damn far away. I’m not gonna demand or even ask you to tell me what’s going on because I know how hard it is to tell someone how much you’re hurting. But you gotta find someone-”

Apparently, that was enough to get Joseph’s undivided attention because he flew to his feet and whipped around with furiously pained eyes, the gun now at his side. Finlay had seen him cry but this was real pain, real tears, and real guilt. Guilt for what, he didn’t know but the agony was screaming all over Joseph’s face, brought even more to life with the tears streaking down. “But I did! I fucking told a-and what f-fucking good did it do me!”

That was more than Finlay had ever been able to do until finally, he’d found his voice. And he’d never regret that decision in his life. It’d been the best thing he’d ever done because it felt like life had restarted for him. He knew everyone didn’t get that lucky but getting and wanting to accept help was the first step anyone had to take.

He wanted to cringe when Joseph used the gun to point at himself like it was an extension of his hand, “I FUCKING TOLD! I FUCKING TOLD HER AND SHE REJECTED ME LIKE SHIT! SHE FUCKING PROMISED ME!” His face was red was his shouting, the tears coming down all the more harder but they did nothing to temper the fury in his voice. “PROMISED AND SHE BROKE IT LIKE I’M NOTHING!”

‘She’ had to be his mother, didn’t it? She was the only one who mattered to Joseph. And he knew for a fact, for a fucking fact, that Joseph’s mother would die for her son. So what the hell could he have told her for her to not accept it? Trying to show that he totally had his cool right now and wasn’t not only scared but concerned beyond hell, Finlay said softly “I want to tell you that I’d never break whatever that promise was. I’d listen and I’d help-”

“What makes you think you’re better than her?” Joseph snapped, a blazing flame igniting him bright. “What the hell makes you think that you’d be able to just…just handle what I said better than the strongest. Fucking. Woman.” He pointed towards his door, out his door, “If the most amazing woman couldn’t take what I said, what makes you think that you can?”

“If she’s the strongest most amazing woman in the world,” Finlay couldn’t help but blurt though he had a feeling that it was a bad idea, “then she would have taken whatever it was that you said in stride. And she wouldn’t have broken her promise. But she did. I wouldn’t have.”

“The fuck do you think you know?” Joseph seethed, and for the first time ever, Finlay was actually afraid of the hate and anger in those eyes. “You don’t know anything. You don’t understand shit and the next time you badmouth my mother, I’ll put a bullet in you like I did to Ivo. To Prokopenko. What’s one more to my list, huh?”

A rush of cold overcame him but he wasn’t sure why because he sure as hell didn’t understand what the fuck was going on. He didn’t know anything about what had gone down with Ivo but he sure did know that Prokopenko did not have a bullet hole in him.

What the fuck was the list anyways?

He wanted to stand so he wouldn’t feel like he was being towered over but something told him that the movement might just aggravate the situation. The room needed to cool the fuck down. “Joseph, I don’t know what’s happened in your life and I’ll never understand because for me to, you need to share and I know that you not only don’t want to but…probably can’t because it hurts. I get it. But I’m living proof, man, that shit gets better. Maybe it’ll take a long time but, if it means anything, I’m here for you.”

Joseph’s hands were shaking, his body practically vibrating, but it wasn’t from the anger. Sure, it was still there, just behind everything else, but the suffering was front and center now. “You don’t even like me.”

There was no stopping the laugh that sneaked out of him. “No, maybe not, but I understand you and…dare I say it…respect you. On a good day.”

Blinking at him while tearing a hole in his lip, Joseph murmured “I can’t remember the last time I had a good day.”

It genuinely hurt hearing that. Because he’d been there and knew how hard it was to make it day to day when they were all looking and turning out bad. When there was no longer anything to look forward to and even the pain that reminded you that you were alive and human no longer existed, you felt like there was literally nothing left.

And with the ‘loss’ of his mother, Joseph didn’t even have someone left.

“What if,” Finlay whispered, clasping his hands together and trying to portray himself as a totally cool popsicle, “I promised you a good day tomorrow. Would you be willing to live until then for me? So we could have a nice day together? And then, tomorrow, you can decide if we need to repeat this situation again.”

“And what,” Joseph snorted in disbelief as he rolled his red swollen eyes in their sunken as hell sockets, “you’ll promise to give me another good day?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “until you realize that it’ll get better. Or at least until we get bored of each other.” That actually earned him this laugh that sounded so pained and constipated but still with just a little bit of hope in it. “You ever do sleepovers? I never had that chance growing up. Will you give me my first slumber party?”

Another laugh snorted out of him as he glanced down at the gun in his hand. “You’ve…never had a sleepover? Ever?”

“Nope. Either never had a foster fam that would let me or never spent enough time with one to make friends that I’d actually want to bring over.”

His heart sighed in relief and the tension that had held his body hostage eased when Joseph clicked the safety back on and moved his finger from the trigger. Picking his head back up and blinking with an almost…hope at Finlay, he whispered “Can you keep your promise?”

Sweet Jesus, he sure as fuck was keeping his promise. “Yeah, yeah, I can.”

Finlay wasn’t sure how long he could hold onto Joseph, but he had no intentions of letting go anytime soon.


	90. Chapter 89

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> enjoy o.o
> 
> _“I think it’s one of the Lynch brothers, ain’t it?”_

“Is this a normal sleepover thing?”

Joseph spun around and stared at the boy before him who had his bag slung over his shoulder and eyes wide with curiosity. “You wanted the full experience. Typically, you’d do a pillow fort but we’re too tall for that to properly work out and I don’t actually want to sleep next to you so…I made a lean-to.” Turning back to look at his work, he shrugged to himself as he continued “I think it’ll work.”

He couldn’t believe that he was doing this.

Really, he really really couldn’t believe that he fell for this.

Life had smashed down on him like a fucking piano falling from a skyscraper and fucking Swan had somehow convinced him to have a sleepover.

What the fuck.

And _Swan_ of all people.

Double what the fuck.

“I don’t think I smell bad.”

With an annoyed sigh and a small shake of his head as he picked up a blanket and spread it out beside his bed on the floor for Swan, Joseph snorted “I didn’t say you did but I don’t sleep next to guys.”

“Ah.”

That reply alone was more insightful that any speech could have been and Joseph was very much not amused. “I’m no sleepover expert but what me and my friend used to do was watch movies and eat a whole lot of crap and play games. We tried scary stories once-”

“Nope, not happening.”

He turned to face the big dude behind him who was now glancing at the cars on the shelf. “Don’t like them?”

Shaking the snow globe that the bitch had gotten him from Italy before setting it back down, Swan replied “I’m not good with horror and scary stuff.” There was the tiniest shiver, “Scares the fuck out of me.”

“Oh, that’s good.” Swan turned and gave him a look. “Not that you’re scared,” he clarified, “just that you don’t like them. I don’t either which is what I’d been trying to say before I was rudely interrupted.”

Swan nodded then went back to looking around. Somehow…it didn’t bother Joseph at all. And if he just kept burying how they ended up in this situation then…he just might have a good day.

As long as the bitch didn’t show her face, he’d be alright.

Grabbing a few pillows off his bed from the pile he’d brought from various places in the house, Joseph tossed them onto the floor and glanced at his handy work. Did he really just make a makeshift tent for a _sleepover?_

Yeah, yeah, he did and…well…he’d admit to just a spark of interest right now.

“Do you have a cat?” Swan asked curiously, standing in front of Peanut’s corner that Joseph had yet to take down. Honestly, he knew that he’d never take it down. He just didn’t have the heart to. “I only saw that funky little puppy.”

“Fuck,” Joseph said as he suddenly realized that he hadn’t fed Walnut. He hadn’t even seen her either. Or maybe he just hadn’t paid attention but still. The poor thing was probably starving. Glancing around because she was always under her feet except for when she wasn’t, Joseph asked “Where’d you see her?”

“Huh?” Swan asked as he looked up from the book he had in his hand. “Oh, downstairs in that monster kitchen. I already fed her; she seemed hungry.”

Relief rushed through him. The last thing he needed now was the guilt of her starving. “Thank you. I…”

“Was busy,” Swan finished for him as he returned to the book, “I covered it, no worries.”

Busy. Yeah, that was a way to put it. “None of…the guys, they don’t…”

“Didn’t tell them I’m coming, no.” Shutting the book but keeping it in his hands, Swan said “It’s not their business. Everything’s between us. Plus, honestly, no offense and all, but I don’t even think they’d give a shit. Everyone kept telling me that you were fine and I should just ‘give you space.’” Swan snorted and shook his head, “Five more minutes of giving you space and I would’ve have nightmares for the rest of my life.”

Tilting his head and taking in the boy in front of him, Joseph asked “Why?”

Swan’s big brown practically black eyes went wide and his eyebrows went so high that Joseph was sure that they’d never come down again. “Because I would have found you dead on the balcony.”

He shrugged a shoulder and shoved his hands in the pockets of the shorts that he’d changed into. Key to feeling better? Change. Joseph had no idea why but it always seemed to help. It was like putting everything bad that had happened during the time wearing the clothes behind him. “So?”

With a shake of his head, Swan walked over and stood beside Joseph, looking into the lean-to that had been built with a sheet. He’d pinned it atop the bookcase at the foot of his bed and with tacks on the wall on the other side before stretching it over as far as he could to tuck it under the coffee table. “Not bad. Do I need so many pillows though?”

“Dunno, that’s up to you. Just figured I’d provide them. I’m playing good host.”

“Oh, okay.” Dropping his bag beside Joseph’s nightstand along with the book he seemed to be interested in, Swan planted his butt down on his blanket. His gaze caught on all the quotes Joseph had written on the walls around his bed and the various pictures he’d tacked up. “You read a lot?”

“I’ve been told that it’s my worst kept secret,” he snorted as he bounced onto his bed and sat cross-legged, staring down at Swan. “Reading is like…a safe haven where I get to be everywhere but where I am.”

Swan nodded, his eyes catching on a spot just over Joseph’s shoulder. Joseph knew exactly where everything was on his wall and knew Swan was checking out the picture of all of them from when they’d gone to San Diego. He flicked a hesitant gaze to Joseph before asking carefully “Mind if I check that out?”

Turning, he examined the picture, a soft smile growing on his face because it was better times with family and friends. And boyfriends. It was the only one he’d allowed himself to put up that included Emilio. How was he supposed to move on if Emilio stared at him every day?

But then Joseph realized that moving on was a lot harder than it sounded.

He pulled it off the wall and handed it to Swan, the only person here who’d seen him at his worst. At the bottom of the hole he’d fallen into and never seemed to find a way to drag himself out of. Taking in a soft breath like he was preparing himself for something drastic, he started from the back, pointing out everyone so Swan knew who they were. “…uncle, and that’s my mom’s sister, my mom – obviously – and-”

“I’ve actually never seen her.”

Joseph, kind of lost in the fact that it didn’t matter how angry he got at her, he could never call his mother anything but his mother, paused and blinked at Swan. “Who?”

“Your mom,” he explained, “Never seen her.”

He couldn’t help but wonder how many people actually knew who his mom was when they saw her out and about. Joseph didn’t look like her besides for maybe his jawline, so no one would be able to make the connection unless they already knew. “Well, that’s her looking like she’s supposed to.”

“Happy and healthy?”

“Exactly.” He was bitter and yet here he was. Always bending backwards for someone. In this case, his mother. But how could he not? “That’s my…that’s Ivo, and that’s-”

“Will you hate me if I said you guys look like each other? Not carbon copies because your face is a little different but, damn, you guys sure look like father and son. I mean, c’mon, yous almost have the same hairstyle in this picture too.”

One of the reasons why when Joseph had gotten here, he’d gotten his hair cut to a decent enough length to just spike it. He used to keep it a little longer where he could slick it back or brush to the side or to the front to give himself a little bang just brushing the edge of his forehead. Problem was, Ivo’s hair had been that perfect length to do all those things too.

That’s why it had to change.

“I can’t fight facts, man,” Joseph replied, a hint of humor lacing his words that surprised him. “Guess I should thank him for my good looks.” Getting back to identification, he pointed at Mr. and Mrs. Vidal. “That’s my friend’s dad and mom,” he dropped to the next row, “That’s my cousin Andrey, that’s Anka, there’s Ivet, me, E-”

Swan tilted the picture a little and brought it closer to his face. “That ain’t you.”

“That’s me.” This idiot was acting like he didn’t just literally comment on their hair.

With a shake of his head, Swan repeated “That smiling short dude can’t be you. And look at that! He looks mildly healthy! Can’t fool me.”

“I seriously can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

Laughing and scooting the picture away from his face, he said “Okay, I can tell it’s you but seriously, that smile is foreign as hell. And when exactly did you hit puberty because you’re short here.”

“I’ve no reason to smile like that anymore,” Joseph answered bluntly, “and I’m fourteen there. I was already going through puberty by then. But when I got here, I hit a nice ass growth spurt. Woke up one day and my pants just weren’t long enough anymore. One of the more happier days of my life, lemme tell you.”

His not-buddy nodded, “Keep going.”

“Right, so that’s my buddy Emilio,” and yes, it still hurt and he wasn’t even sure if it hurt because he’d said buddy instead of the love of his life, “his sister Linda, that’s Alicia,” Joseph paused before he decided fuck it, he could at least say this one, and added “she was my girlfriend for like six months-”

“Yeah? Day-yum, she’s fine, man. Actually, every girl here I would so hookup with. Fuck, why’s your family hot?”

Snorting as he rolled his eyes, Joseph replied “We’ve got good genes,” he circled Emilio’s sisters with his finger, “but those are Emilio’s sisters and technically, Ivet isn’t related to me but we grew up together.” Turning around, he grabbed the picture he’d actually gone and printed of Andrey and Ivet, along with the sonogram, handing them to Swan. “They’re together now – Andrey crushed on her for _years_ that dumbass – and now they have a baby on the way.”

“They’re nice together,” Swan said as he checked out the picture. Pointing at the San Diego picture, he asked “Anka, was it? She’s…?”

“Andrey’s sister, my cousin, and, like Ivet, knows one hundred and one ways to kill a man with her bare hands.”

“That’s hot as fuck,” Swan whispered in awe. “She single?”

Taking back the picture of Andrey and Ivet and the sonogram, Joseph snorted “I’m not hooking you up with my cousin.” He pointed out Maria, Albena, Alondra, and Timotei last, nostalgia hitting him hard. Timotei would be…what, almost five? Damn.

He’d never felt like he’d missed so much until this moment.

They both looked up as a little jingling sound came and Walnut rounded the corner of the bookcase before coming to an abrupt halt. She’d only been here a couple days but seeing the room different was probably throwing her off. Snapping his fingers at her, Joseph patted his bed. “Up, up.”

That was familiar and she barked and jumped in place before launching herself over in excitement. He loved watching her trying to get on the bed because she never seemed to understand that she was just too tiny right now to make it up on her own. Swan pushed her up just a little as she practically climbed her way up, Joseph helping her make the last inch. “Hello,” he said with a soft smile as she rolled to her back, her tail going a mile a second. Indulging her, he rubbed her belly.

“See? Now I see the resemblance,” Swan laughed as he held the picture up next to Joseph’s face.

“Oh shut up,” he muttered as he yanked the picture out of Swan’s hand and put it back where it belonged. “So what do you want to do?”

Swan didn’t even need to think about it, his answer so quick. “Have you eaten recently?”

“This sleepover is not ‘take care of Joseph.’”

“It’s ‘indulge Finlay.’ Indulge me. Have you eaten?”

He’d had that McFlurry and fries although he stopped eating them after his run in with Prokopenko so technically, he really hadn’t had much. Also, he should probably take them out of his car. “Not really.”

“Then feed me and yourself. That’s a sleepover thing, isn’t it? Raid the kitchen?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Indulge Finlay is the theme today.”

Huffing and grabbing Walnut up into his arms as he got of the bed, Joseph muttered grudgingly “Fine. C’mon. I hope you like Bulgarian food.”

“Never had it but if it tastes good, then I have no problems.”

 

* * *

 

Okay, so he’d _said_ that he had no problems but…Finlay had a problem.

While it smelled delicious, there was one big problem.

He didn’t like eggplant.

Joseph set his plate on the table across from Finlay’s and set a can of soda for each one of them before sitting. Picking up his fork, he dug into his food but paused when he noticed that Finlay wasn’t eating. “What?”

Shaking his head and picking up his own fork, Finlay looked down at his plate. It looked good. It smelled good. But it had eggplant in it. “This is what again?”

“Moussaka,” Joseph replied as he opened his Dr. Pepper. “One of my favorites, actually, so my mom makes it a lot because she’s knows that even if I eat nothing, I’d eat this. Smart woman, that bitch. There’s also a potato version but we usually do eggplant.”

Damn. He would’ve eaten the potato version. “Ah, okay.” He went back to staring at his plate before picking his head up again and coming face to face with a smiling and _almost_ laughing Joseph.

It was weird as fuck.

“There’s other leftovers in the fridge if you don’t want that.”

If there was one thing he’d learned in foster care, it was that you ate what you had because next time, there might not be anything. “I just…I’m not a huge fan of eggplant.”

He shrugged and went back to his meager plate, “You just haven’t had it done properly. Taste it first. You don’t like it, there’s a couple other things in the freezer. We usually just freeze whatever leftovers we have. We don’t exactly eat a lot.”

“Trust me,” Finlay murmured as he forked a mouthful and stared at it with narrowed eyes, “it shows.” Taking a deep breath, he quickly popped the mouthful in and chewed as fast as he could. He felt his eyes widen in surprise. “This tastes good.”

“No shit.”

“Huh,” he murmured as he stared down at his plate. Who would have thought? Alright, well, now he had to try the weird cold soup thing. Soup that was cold sounded like a sin against soup. Pulling the bowl over, he stared into the green speckled white abyss. “This is cucumber something you said?”

“Tarator,” Joseph answered after he swallowed, “Like a cucumber yogurt soup. It’s cool and refreshing for the summer heat.”

Made sense. And tasted amazing. “Practical and yummy. Sounds like a winner for me.” Joseph just nodded and continued eating. Honestly, Finlay hadn’t even been hungry but he’d had a feeling that Joseph hadn’t eaten.

This wasn’t friendship, he wasn’t stupid, but it was trust which was more than enough for him and watching Joseph eat, Finlay had a feeling that it was plenty for him too. He’d made the promise for a good day and while he knew he couldn’t keep that up every day, he was at least going to make sure that this sleepover was bomb. Plus, he was serious in wanting to experience a real one. And, fuck, did Joseph seem determined. Hell, he’d literally built a fucking tent to give Finlay the proper fort experience.

Finlay wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to keep a good grasp and watch on Joseph but hopefully, life would turn up for the guy before it was too late. People couldn’t be there at the right time every time. If Joseph didn’t want to be helped, there’d be no helping him. 

With a whole lot of prayers, Joseph would want that help soon because Finlay could already tell that the tiny threads that were just barely holding the other boy together were fraying with every passing second.


	91. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I did a lot of research and time corroborating to make sure I get my dates matched up with canon
> 
> Timelinish in case anyone's lost: **Oct 2012**  
>  Five-ish months before the start of The Raven Boys  
> Month of Ronan's 'suicide' attempt
> 
> Joseph: 17
> 
> Ronan (Not Here Yet but just to keep reference): 16  
> Gansey (nhy): 16  
> Adam (nhy + became friends w/ G & R last month): 16  
> Blue: 16
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Aw, I wanna be a poster child for something!”_

“Is she even aware enough to be thankful for your gift?” Swan asked as they walked through the aisles of the store. He picked up one of those small box of chocolates that they put in the middle of the main aisles. “Buy me this.”

“Why the fuck do I always have to buy you people shit?” Joseph muttered as he halted and tried to think of what to get his mother. Fuck, was he running out of creative ideas after all these years. “And fuck you for talking shit.”

Not that the shit was a lie.

His mother was worse than she’d ever been with getting high her rejuvenated pastime after learning the truth about her husband. And as far as Joseph knew, she wouldn’t even take Ivo’s calls anymore because it wasn’t actually him. It was just a dead man. And sure, his mother had gotten high before but she was reaching new levels now. Asking about her awareness wasn’t exactly misplaced.

But it didn’t mean that Joseph wanted to hear it. Swan was lucky that it was him that was asking because he was the only one that Joseph would allow to ask.

Yeah, that sounded hilarious, he knew. Ironic as fuck.

The ‘good day’ from a couple months ago had actually turned out, well, good. Somehow, Swan had done it. They never did another sleepover after that; in fact, Swan had never even come back to the house but Joseph knew and could feel the constant watchful eye of the other boy who was always assessing Joseph and his tendencies. Swan was so observant that just a week ago, when Joseph had been going through a brutal self-hatred moment where he had taken his knife to his arms again and again, Swan had asked him to draw him a car.

Joseph hadn’t understood at first but he realized that Swan had done it to make sure that Joseph’s hands were busy doing other things than holding a knife.

Smart guy, that dude.

“How old is she turning?”

“Forty.”

Putting his chocolate box back, Swan said “Dayyum, the big four-o, huh?”

Yeah, it’d been a shock to him too in realizing that his mother was officially going to be over that hurdle in a week. Who would have thought. “Yup. But I’ve no fucking idea what to get her anymore. How many whales or glass figurines or whatever can you get?”

“Hmm,” Swan hummed as they walked on, only to stop again when a tacky sweater caught his eye. “Buy me this.”

“God fuck, dude,” Joseph snorted as he rolled his eyes and kept walking, “you have money, go buy your own shit.”

“I could but I’m asking you.”

Halting in his tracks and shaking his head in disappointment because Swan’s taste was shit so he knew not to expect anything cool, Joseph spun around to find Swan holding the yellowest ugliest sweater up to himself. “C’mon, man, its fucking ugly. Seriously right now?”

Rubbing one hand down the center which was still held up to his chest, Swan made an exaggerated frown. “Kavinsky, look at this thing.”

“I am, trust me. It’s bright ass yellow.”

Swan sighed and said “Are you black?”

“Uh…” Joseph started in confusion because obviously, no, he was very much not black, “no.”

“Exactly.”

“Was that supposed to explain something?”

With another sigh and a shake of his head, Swan and his sweater walked over, setting a hand on Joseph’s shoulder. “You’re a white boy.”

“Yeah.”

“And currently because you’re unhealthy as fuck, a very pale white boy.”

“Okay…”

“I’m black.”

“Yes, yes you are.”

Holding up the sweater to Joseph’s own chest, Swan explained “Now, if you wear this nice yellow sweater, you might look okay. Maybe you can pull it off. But see, because you’re white, yellow might not work out so nicely on you.”

“Uhuh.”

Putting the sweater back on his chest, Swan smiled wide as he gestured to it. “Now, I’m black.”

“Okay.”

“And black people, we looking fucking _fine_ in bright bold colors. Like this yellow. So while you may think that this yellow don’t work, you just be ignorant to the beauty of bright colors on black skin.”

Joseph nodded in thought to his lesson in black fashion. “That why you always wear that watch with the thick white band?”

Swan looked proud like he’d just contributed the greatest knowledge in the world to Joseph’s education. “Look at you learning! I’m so proud.”

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother hanging out with you,” Joseph sighed as he continued on to the jewelry counter. He’d never particularly liked getting jewelry as a gift because it lacked deep meaning but Swan was…kind of right. It’s not like she was even that aware to understand.

Hopefully she would at least know that it was her birthday when he gave it to her.

“Because I ain’t bored of you yet,” Swan replied simply, an easy shrug rolling off his shoulder as he followed with the ugly sweater still in his arms. Joseph was sure that he was just buying it for the heck of it now. “So you’re are so fucking stuck with me, beotch.”

Stuck to him more than Prokopenko was now. Everyone noticed that difference but besides Swan, no one brought it up. It wasn’t that Joseph didn’t hang out with Prokopenko like he had before, because he actually still did, which was still more than he did with Skov or Jiang, but he was usually with Swan more.

Not that it had anything to do with him. Swan was the one who was sticking to him like a flea on a dog.

He internally shuddered at the bad memories that came with that. Walnut had been too little for the typical flea treatments or collars and had gotten _infested_. Dear Lord, were those few weeks horrible. Not even just horrible but _Horrible_ with a fucking capital.

Joseph shuddered again.

“Too bad for me,” he muttered as he came to a stop at the glass cases and tapped his fingers on it as he stared down. What to get, what to get… Scooting down to the bracelets because those were her favorites, Joseph frowned at everything. He didn’t really like them much. It wasn’t that they weren’t pretty but they weren’t amazing either. Or at least…unimaginative. Like, they weren’t special.

But it was jewelry. What did he expect exactly?

“What’s she like?”

“Anything gold, pink, or green.”

“Oh, that’s easy then,” Swan shrugged as he looked in the cases with him. Pointing at a gold bangle encrusted with either diamond or the fake stuff, he said “How about that one?”

Joseph shook his head. “Everything’s just eh.”

“Dude, your mom is high as fuck. I promise you, she won’t give a shit.”

Too emotionally drained to say anything, Joseph just shrugged and scooted down a bit. “How about a watch? She likes watches.”

“So she can keep time on-”

“I will kick your fucking ass if another word comes out of you.”

“Alright, alright,” Swan snorted before tapping his finger over a watch. “I like that one.”

Gold, delicate, and even had a few pink gems. Good enough for him. “Yeah, I like it too.”

 

 

“The fuck are you wearing, Swan?” Skov asked as they walked into his and Proko’s room. It was the best room for hanging out because both Jiang and Swan had roommates no one wanted to hang around. Because there hadn’t been any outward complaints to the Aglionby dorm board, they’d given Jiang and Swan the same roommates this year.

Never had any of them wished more than ever that they’d gone and filed a proper complaint. But at least John would always be better than Charles call me Chuck.

Always.

“I’m disturbed,” Jiang called from his spot on the floor just under the window beside Skov’s desk. “So fucking disturbed.”

“That’s because you fuckers know nothing about black people fashion,” Joseph couldn’t help but snort as he dropped into Prokopenko’s desk chair. It hadn’t been easy acting like everything was all good in the world around Prokopenko but Joseph hadn’t had a choice. The guys may be dumbasses but they were fucking observant dumbasses.

And yet not one had noticed that Proko’s tic was missing.

Joseph thanked his lucky stars every day for that bit of mercy.

Every fucking day.

As much as he’d appreciate staying away from Prokopenko entirely, Joseph knew that it just wouldn’t work out. Whether he liked it or not – he didn’t – he was stuck around his gargantuan mistake. Fuck his life and how much he hated it.

“And what,” Prokopenko laughed, “your white ass does?”

“Now it does,” he snorted back as he leaned down and grabbed an Almond Joy from the red bowl. A tiny ache nudged at his heart because it was Anka’s favorite and even tetíncho Yulian’s, even though he always picked out the almonds. “I’ve been educated by the best.”

“Whatever,” Skov snorted with an eyeroll as he yawned and stretched out on his bed. His eyes, like Joseph’s, caught on a smiling Jiang which was unnatural. “What’re you smiling about?”

Jiang’s head flew up from his phone, his face looking sheepish, as he stuffed it quickly into his pocket. “Nothing.”

Narrowing his eyes, Joseph nodded to Skov. “Hold him down.” Skov saluted as he jumped from his bed and landed perfectly atop a protesting Jiang. Joseph rushed over and snatched Jiang’s phone from the other boy’s pocket, stepping back as quickly as he came. “Why the fuck do you not have a password? Who does that? Who’s that stupid?”

“Don’t you dare,” Jiang said, though it came out muffled from Skov sitting on him. When he almost made it up, Swan bounced over and held his legs down. “I hate you all. I can’t have anything nice, can I?”

“Ooooh,” Proko laughed before catching a M&M in his mouth, “he’s hiding something nice from us. Rude, man. You have to share.” Nodding over to Joseph, he asked “So? What’s the niceness?”

He stayed silent as he read the last sent message and suddenly, he felt like a complete asshole. Whatever was between Jiang and…Isha was so not their business. There was a small ball of jealousy and resentment that Jiang got to have what Joseph couldn’t because, damn, did they sound sweet on each other. Still wasn’t their business though. Honestly, if Jiang had been texting a girl, Joseph probably would’ve been an ass about it. But for some reason, because it was a dude, he couldn’t bring himself to be.

“Nothing,” he shrugged as he tossed the phone at the pile under the window. “Won a game or whatever. He’s a lame ass, you know that. As if he actually has nice stuff.”

The guys let Jiang up who grabbed his phone and shoved it into his pocket so fast that he was like the Flash as he flashed Joseph a quick grateful glance. “You’re all assholes.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

As Skov rolled back onto his bed, his eyes narrowed in accusation when he noticed what Joseph was eating. “Dude, you eating my Almond Joy? Not cool. Red bowl is not for your guys’ nasty ass fingers.”

“That’s not fair to Swan,” Joseph laughed as he took his seat once more. “It’s not his fault that he doesn’t know basic hygiene.”

“Don’t make me come over there and kick your scrawny ass,” Swan snorted from where he lay on the floor, not even bothering to get up now that he was down. “Because we all know who’s gonna win.”

He replied with a simple flick of a finger before grabbing a Crunch from the bowl and opening it up. “I think I caught the fucking munchies. Weird because it doesn’t usually happen for me.”

“Aww,” Skov whined as he covered his face in despair, “Now you’re gonna eat everything. Cry, cry.”

“I definitely hate all of you,” Jiang sighed before his face lit just a bit as he pulled out his phone again. “Every single one of you bitches. Hey, so, K, you got any parties soon? I need you to throw one.”

Wow, he _needed_. Very interesting because if there was one thing Jiang absolutely hated, it was asking Joseph for anything. “No, why?”

Still entirely focused on his phone and probably Isha, Jiang repeated “Because I need you to throw one.”

“Yeah, but why? For your nice thing?”

A tiny dash of color tinged Jiang’s high cheekbones as Swan laughed “Aw, fuck, JJ over there is hiding something!” Suddenly accusing, he turned on Joseph. “I thought he just won a game.”

Joseph just smiled and shrugged, his arms open and palms up like he knew absolutely nothing as Jiang snapped “Don’t fucking call me that lame ass name, man. The fuck?”

“But JJ is cute!”

“Fuck no.”

Deciding that he was so not wasting his day listening to these two, Joseph snapped his fingers to grab Jiang’s attention and asked “So party for Mr. Nice?” Prokopenko whistled to which Skov laughed and added his own whistle. They were pretty shitty whistles until Swan threw in the almighty wolf. “Trying to impress through me? That’s very flattering, my dear JJ.”

With a groan as he slapped his face and dropped back to the floor, Jiang muttered “I fucking hate you all. God, just imagine if one of you had a twin? It’d be torture to your families and anyone around you people. Jesuuuusss.”

“Oh, hey,” Skov said as he sat up suddenly, “Swan, who are those weird triplet men that I see in your hall sometimes? Actually, only twice but still. Creepy as fuck. They give me ‘disturbed’ vibes.”

The image of the three identical men knocking on that dorm door a few months ago resurfaced in Joseph’s mind. “Yeah, actually, I was gonna ask too. I saw them back in July knocking on some dude’s door. I don’t know whose room it was though.”

Eyes narrowed in thought, Swan rubbed his lower lip before saying “I seen them around but honestly, no idea. I don’t even know whose room that was. Outside of you guys, I don’t fraternalize. People are a headache. Not that you guys aren’t but…eh. Plus, I ain’t seen ‘em in a long time.”

“I think it’s one of the Lynch brothers, ain’t it?” Jiang said, not bothering to raise his head from the floor.

“The who?” Joseph asked. Like Swan, he didn’t care for talking around unless he had to. People came to his parties, sure, and they all acted like he knew them and him they, but not a chance. “Never heard of them. Or him. Or whoever this is.”

“Y’know,” Jiang explained as he waved his hand around in the air while talking, “those one dudes. There’s like four of them or something. Nah, nah, three. We got a class with one of them. The shaved head dude who used to have a little more hair and everyone was like ‘wtf’ when we saw him.”

“I think they changed dorms though,” Swan added in.

Joseph had no idea who that was and if it wasn’t for the curiosity of the triplets, he wouldn’t care. “I’ve no fucking idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

They all stared at Skov as he suddenly flew up into a sitting position, a light of realization in his pretty blues. “Oh, oh! The guys whose dad was beaten in the driveway!”

Ah. Joseph knew who that was. Well, he didn’t know but he remembered reading about the guy who had suffered from severe blunt force trauma. Severe, severe, severe. “Yeah, I remember that guy. I remember reading it.”

“Yeah, yeah! Those are his sons! I remember now! I’m so proud,” he laughed with a huge smile that really wasn’t warranted for the situation.

It didn’t require that much pride.

God. Always so damn dramatic.

“So why the fuck do these Lynch shits have some weird bitches knocking at their door?” Joseph snorted, no longer interested because who gave a damn fuck about some weird ass motherfuckers? So they had a sob story.

Big fucking whoop. They all had their own shit. Boohoo.

“Who knows, man?” Swan yawned with a shrug. “Maybe they run like a kinky sex ring or something.”

With a laugh and a shake of his head, Joseph replied “Or something.”


	92. Chapter 91

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> *wink wink wink wink*  
> Shit's getting real
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _“For sure? Ronan Lynch? You have to be sure, Blake.”_

Joseph groaned in pain as he lay on the grass with Walnut atop him, trying to lick his face. As Walnut continued to grow, Joseph came to notice that there were certain differences that came with owning a small stubby dog and a big leggy one.

Specifically for the moment, Waddle had never been able to tackle him to the floor.

Walnut managed it just fine.

“Fucking hell, dammit, stop,” he muttered as he tried to push her off him. Dammit, she was big. Who would have imagined that the little runt would grow like this at just three months? Whatever she was mixed with gave her some insane height mixed with that of a hound. “Stop.”

She paused and stared at him with her head titled, knowing that when he sounded stern it meant that she had done something bad. He was no expert in training dogs but so far, she knew when he was upset or when she was in trouble and how to walk on the leash. That was something, wasn’t it? Who the fuck needed to know how to lie down on command? Fuck that.

Patting the grass beside his hip, he said “Here.” Walnut just stared at him like he was the stupid one. “Here, Walnut. Sit.” She blinked and glanced at his hand still patting the grass. Joseph felt like the only reason she went to sit was because of the motion of his hand. “Good girl,” he murmured as he sat up and rubbed her big head, “good girl.”

With the ring of his cell, he pulled it out and stared at Ivo’s name who had yet to give up even after their conversation. Hell, he was even _more_ motivated than before like they had a shit ton to talk about. And okay, yeah, they technically did but that didn’t mean that Joseph actually wanted to. Walnut set her head in his lap and shut her eyes as he watched Ivo give up before the phone lit up again, except this time it was the little genius blonde from Nebraska. “Yo.”

“Wow, man, you from Philly now?”

“Don’t let Jiang hear you,” Joseph laughed as he thoroughly rubbed down Walnut. “he’d be so offended.”

“Jiang’s always offended,” Skov snorted, “that’s nothing new. You just kinda tone the guy out. Hey, so, couple things.”

“Oh boy.”

“Yeah, I know you just live to hear my voice. Anyways, I need you to come over since you don’t like visitors because I need help with homework. Then, me and the Sash Man want to go get ice cream from 37+ Flavors.”

“That weird new parlor?” It was the stupidest thing Joseph had ever heard of and yet, according to the little world of Henrietta, it had the best goddamn ice cream ever.

That’s because these bitches probably never tasted Carvel before.

“Yup. C’mon, we gotta at least try it. Everyone else has already. Charles call me Chuck literally already has their napkins on the floor.”

Joseph couldn’t help the shiver of disgust that ran through him at the mention of Charles call me Chuck. “Fine, fine. They better be good.” Walnut’s tail was going twenty miles an hour and suddenly Joseph decided that she’d like a walk. The guys – besides Swan of course – didn’t even know that she existed. Couldn’t hurt to take her out and let her see the world. “Be on my way in a few.”

It took a bit longer than a few because Walnut always got excited getting in the car being that she knew it meant out – out had only been the vet but she’d liked the visit like the freak she was – and also because Joseph stopped in to check on his mother. She was thinner than ever, paler than ever, and lost as ever. But he’d never stop making sure that she was okay or that she had gotten something besides cocaine in her system. No one could survive on that.

He’d taken to hiding both his and her stashes that exceeded what he thought he’d allow her for a day because he was worried she’d overdose. Finding out that your husband was actually a weird zombie dude couldn’t be easy and Joseph didn’t need her going overboard and using cocaine as her out.

If the world wouldn’t let him die, then he sure as fuck wasn’t letting her.

“No, no, no,” Joseph scolded when Walnut tried to squeeze between the seats to get to the passenger spot. “Dogs go in the back; no compromises.” She whimpered at him but he wasn’t that easily swayed when the state of his car was at risk. “No.”

Reluctantly and with a downcast look, Walnut settled herself in the back and they were off. When they reached Aglionby, he parked on the street and leashed up Walnut once they were out of the car. She was buzzing with nervous excitement but she didn’t seem upset or aggressive so Joseph took it as a good sign.

Were any of the guys allergic or scared of the dogs? Huh…maybe he should have asked before… Oh well. So not his problem. Fuck them and their possible fears or allergies.

As he walked into the dorm building housing his assholic kind of friends, Joseph wondered if he was even allowed to bring animals in here.

Well, fuck Aglionby too.

“Knock, knock, bitches,” Joseph chimed as he rapped his knuckles on the door. “Open up.”

“Door’s open!”

Turning the knob and walking in with Walnut surprisingly quiet by his side, Joseph shut the door and stared at Skov’s back as he sat hunched over his desk. “Where’s Proko?”

Not that Joseph actually wanted Prokopenko around, mind you.

“Pissing,” Skov snorted at the same moment as the toilet flushed and Joseph went to stand over his shoulder. “This stuff’s bull, man. It legit makes no sense.”

Joseph glanced at the equations. “You need help with trig? That shit’s easy. C’mon genius boy, this should be child’s play for you.”

Skov huffed and tossed his pencil down before spinning around, ready to snap at Joseph. That was, until he saw Walnut. Then he literally leapt out of his chair with a yelp. “That’s a dog!”

Glancing down at Walnut who had taken a seat with her tongue hanging out, Joseph nodded and replied “Well, yeah, obviously.”

Clutching his heart as he edged his way over to his bed as if crawling up there was any better for him, Skov practically whispered “I don’t like dogs.”

He spared another glance at Walnut who was sitting oh so politely. Who wouldn’t like this adorable wrinkly face? “She’s really sweet though. I wouldn’t have brought her if she wasn’t behaved.”

“Fuck, that’s a dog.”

With a sigh because for guys who went to a smart school, they only seemed to know how to point out he obvious, Joseph turned and said matter-of-factly “Yes, Sasha, that’s a dog. Her name’s Walnut.”

Prokopenko walked over, the slope of his shoulders just right, and stuck out his hand to Walnut for her to sniff. When she deemed him worthy, she resumed her happy face and blinked at him. “She’s cute,” Prokopenko murmured as he rubbed her big head. “Where’d you get her?”

“In front of a grocery store a few months ago.” He glanced back over at Skov who was still staring with wide eyes. “C’mon, promise she’s awesome. She’s the sweetest after my cat.”

“You have a cat too?” Skov asked in curiosity as he slowly scooted down his bed. “I’d rather meet the cat.”

“Sorry, you can’t. She got hit by a car and died.”

“Fuck.”

Joseph just shrugged. The anger had been lifted from his chest. At least he knew that she was in kitty heaven and visited Waddle once in a while. It was better than her seeing him slowly breaking down. “Yeah, fuck. Don’t worry, I avenged her death. That car never worked again.”

“I don’t want to know,” Prokopenko laughed, shaking his head as he got to his feet before throwing himself on his bed. “You and your anger problems.”

He didn’t bother responding except with a shrug. Getting annoyed at Prokopenko wasn’t fun anymore when he knew the truth of his existence. Also, that weird…pliability hadn’t exactly gotten better. Everyone just attributed it to Proko wanting to please Viktor and be better. It was bullshit because Joseph knew that Viktor’s visit had only pissed off Prokopenko more but, hey, at least they thought they knew what was up. “Yup, PTSD poster child and shit. Yay me.”

“Aw, I wanna be a poster child for something!” Skov ‘cried’ into his bed, his face plastered to it in what Joseph figured to be despair. He was dramatic in an amusing way that Joseph actually really liked. It sort of reminded him of Emilio and…well…he liked being reminded of him.

“How about ‘utter failure?’”

Skov groaned into the mattress, covering his head with his hands. “Trigonometry is the stupidest thing ever. What the fuck do I need with it anyways?”

Unleashing Walnut so she could get comfortable on the floor, Joseph dropped himself into Skov’s chair and picked up the pencil. As he spun it between his fingers and read the problem that Puppy was currently stuck on, Joseph asked “What are the other two fuckers up to today?”

“Dunno, didn’t ask. I’m currently not talking to Jiang.”

“Oooh,” Proko drawled, his eyes closed and his arms thrown above his head where he lay, “dramaaaaa.”

“You guys were fine yesterday.” He was going to add that Skov had literally just told him that you were supposed to tone the guy out but whatever. He wanted to get offended about something, then power to him and his sensitivity.

Skov rolled over onto his back, hanging his head over the edge of the bed as he watched Walnut sleep. “That was yesterday before he sent me a screencap of him sexting the girl I like.”

He knew it wasn’t nice but fuck if he cared about nice. Joseph burst into laughter to the point where the outburst freaked Walnut out, her head shooting up in surprise. “Bummer for you! Next time, make your move- wait what?” What happened to the dude he was being all sweet on? Swiveling the chair to face Skov, he asked “You sure?”

With his nose scrunched in the that way that meant he was both annoyed and hurt, Skov flipped back over and mumbled into his blanket “I know how to read, thanks. It had her name up top.”

“That can’t be right.”

“Why not?”

“Because he was sweet talking that dude yesterday when I grabbed his phone. Jiang’s an ass but I’ve never seen him as the player type, y’know?”

“Is the dude that ‘nice thing’ we never let him have? Mr. Nice?” Proko asked curiously, his eyes opening slowly. Joseph had noticed that when Prokopenko woke up from a deep sleep, his eyes always took a moment to adjust like his mind had to remember who he was programmed to be.

Damn did he wish he’d studied Ivo a bit before leaving.

“You didn’t hear it from me.”

Now Skov looked as thrown off as Joseph felt, pulling out his phone before stretching it out to Joseph. “See?”

Yeah, Joseph did see. “Huh…maybe he photoshopped that shit to piss you off.”

“Why would he do that? I’m always nice to that ass even when I shouldn’t be. And does he seriously have nothing better to do with his afternoon?”

Prokopenko snorted as he sat up and dragged out a pair of flip flops from under the bed. “Since when does Jiang care about nice? You dumbass.”

“Where you going? We’re gonna go to 37+ after my homework.”

Mouth breaking into a huge yawn, Proko got up and grabbed one of the controllers on the dresser while saying “I’m not going to sit here bored as fuck while you guys talk trig. Lemme know when you guys finish; I’m at Swan’s.” He was halfway out the door before he spun around with a smile, “Should I ask Jiang about-”

“No!”

“You sure?”

Pink and flustered, Skov rolled to his feet and slipped on his sliders, nearly tripping from how fast he was moving. “I can do it myself. I’m a man.” Joseph was nearly choking from how hard it was to keep his mouth shut. Literally, his throat was vibrating from the pressure. Skov totally caught it and threw him a glare. “I’ll be back.”

“You forgot the accent!” Joseph called out after him, laughing when the door slammed shut. Spinning in the chair, he stopped so he faced Walnut, giving her head a soft pat. “Those fools, huh?” Walnut lifted her head and blinked before setting it back down and shutting her eyes.

He took that as agreement.

Spinning back to face the desk, he tapped the pencil on Skov’s notebook as he considered the problem. Okay, so it was a little complicated but it so wasn’t worth all that pathetic crying. “Drama queen,” Joseph snorted to himself as he began working the problem on a separate piece of paper. “Jiang will so kick his scrawny ass.”

The problem was solved in the matter of five minutes and Joseph still found himself alone besides for his dog. Guess the convo was a serious one. Unless Skov was knocked unconscious from Jiang’s hardass fist. It was like fucking iron, goddammit. Sighing because now he was very bored and very not high and very unamused, Joseph pulled out his bag of coke from his pocket and set up a couple lines, cutting them nice and neatly with his debit card. “Lovely.”

Pulling out his straw from his pocket, he rubbed it with his shirt to dust it clean before lining himself up and snorting the magic up. Some days, the magic was just that. An excitement he waited eagerly for, a good time hidden in powder. On other days, it was something he hated, resented, and was a chore more often than not.

Getting high wasn’t as fun as it used to be.

Shutting his eyes as he breathed in slowly before letting the breath back out, Joseph waited for the high to kick in as he stretched his arms out above his head and returned back to the work before him. Him and Skov had the same teacher but at different periods. By the looks of it, Skov’s period was a lesson ahead of Joseph’s.

Not cool. Why’d Joseph had to get stuck with the idiots?

Joseph turned his attention to the world beyond the dorm, setting his chin in his palm as he gazed out the window. Prokopenko and Skov lived in the building that came first, literally directly behind Aglionby’s stupid ass fancy gate. It had a perfect view of who came and went on the street and of the lawn.

Where some dumbass was apparently sleeping.

He shook his head at the guy’s stupidity. Who the fuck slept in the middle of grass in public? Tons of shit could happen ranging from theft to…that other thing. “Idiot,” Joseph snorted softly as he moved his eyes to a crow flying by. Crows were by far some of the coolest birds not to mention of the smartest. “We should get a pet crow, Walnut. What do you think?”

Obviously no answer came from the sleeping mutt.

After another few minutes passed, Joseph was very officially bored and totally ready to just get up and leave. Hell, he’d go to the ice cream shop by himself just to spite those bitches. Post it on Instagram and tag them all like an asshole. Sighing as he got to his feet, he packed up his drugs after wiping down his straw with a tissue and wrote a little note to Skov in his notebook.

Sparing one last glance out the window to see if sleeping guy was still there because now Joseph wanted to steal something just to teach the guy a lesson, he paused in…he wasn’t even sure. Confusion? Wonder? Disbelief?

Could’ve been anything that made him pause right that second. Maybe it was just God telling him to look a bit harder.

So he did.

Practically pressed against the screen of the window, Joseph stared with wide eyes as sleeping guy started to twitch in his sleep. Everyone twitched in their sleep, that was normal, so Joseph wasn’t sure why his heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings. Inside, his subconscious was screaming at him but he refused to acknowledge it. The guy was just twitching. That was it.

In less than a second, that twitching turned into something a thousand times harsher, more violent, as the boy thrashed and thrashed like fighting an unseen foe.

Fighting an unseen foe…

“No, nope, fucking no,” Joseph snapped at himself, shaking his head as he remained mesmerized by the scene unfolding in front of him. It wasn’t possible; it just fucking wasn’t.

Was it?

“Fucking…hell…” he whispered, the blood roaring so loud in his ears that if the fire alarm went off a foot away, he wouldn’t even hear it. There…there was…

No, he was imaging things. He was too far to make out what he thought he was seeing.

The thrashing grew weaker and weaker, the boy losing the battle with his dreams. “His fucking dreams. Dream, it’s a fucking dream.”

_Is it? You’re awake, y’know._

Yeah, he knew. But what was happening in front of him was too hard to believe that it was happening in real life.

Stilling, with exhaustion laced in every limb, the sleeping boy lay there, blood seeping from his arms.

Blood.

“Oh…my…God…” Joseph whispered in disbelieving shock, just about ready to throw up from how many flips his stomach was doing. “That’s blood. He’s bleeding, he’s bleeding…but…he’s asleep…”

Joseph barely even registered some boy running over to the prone one still bleeding on the floor, most likely unconscious from blood loss than any other dream effect.

Blood. The boy had started to bleed out of nowhere.

No, admit it.

It wasn’t out of nowhere, was it?

“He’s bleeding from his dream.”

That wasn’t quite right either though, was it?

Not at all.

He was bleeding from a _nightmare_.

Just like Joseph had many times before.

This boy wasn’t just an idiot, he was so much more. So much more to not only himself but to Joseph. Bleeding on the floor, right there, with the wispy blonde crouching over him in a panic was no mere boy. No mere _human_.

“He’s a dreamer.”

Someone, scratch that, _something_ , Joseph had been looking for, hoping for, for years.

And now he’d found one.


	93. Chapter 92

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'm thinking of doing Nanowrimo this year but...idk. If I did, I'd have to put all my stories on hiatus because writing four stories, while I can do it, doesn't put enough focus on each that they need. Eh, who knows. Maybe I'll do like...Attempt Nanowrimo where you at least give it thought haha
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“I don’t get it…what’s wrong with you? Your like in a weird ass- oh fuck.”_

He was still in Skov’s room, huddled in a corner with his arms covering his head and trying to remember how to breath when the door burst open. “Did you hear? K?”

The ambulance? The cops? What? What was he supposed to acknowledge hearing? “No.”

Joseph didn’t look up but he could feel Skov hovering over him. That heavy feeling of a shadow overlaying his body. “Why you sitting over there like that? Did you hear the ambulances? Dude, they came for a _suicide attempt_.”

No, no, that wasn’t right. It hadn’t been an attempt.

It’d been a battle lost.

Laughing almost hysterically as he shook his head under his arms, Joseph asked “You know who it was?” He needed to know. Needed to know who in the fuck had been a dreamer all this time and Joseph had never caught wind of anything like a clue.

Silence met his words as he felt Skov crouch in front of him. “Hey, you okay? K? Can you look at me?”

It was an effort but he swallowed down the lump in his throat and carefully steadied his panicked breaths before removing his arms and picking up his head. He couldn’t have Skov seeing how much this incident had fucked him over, his gaze meeting with that of the worried boy. “I’m fine, thanks. You know who that was?”

The little blonde blinked at him carefully before nodding slowly. He was onto Joseph, knew that something wasn’t right, but answered nonetheless. “Just whispers but it’s going around that it was Ronan.”

Ronan. Ronan. Ronan? “Who the fuck is that?”

“You and Jiang have science with him, remember? We were just talking about them yesterday. One of the Lynch brothers; the middle one.”

Lynch brothers? Right, the dudes who had those freaky triplets hanging around. “So that was Ronan Lynch?” he asked, knowing that he looked like some freak with panicked wide eyes that were ready to eat Skov alive if he was wrong. “For sure? Ronan Lynch? You have to be sure, Blake.”

He could tell that Skov was a little thrown at being called Blake because they only used first names when they were serious talking but he nodded. “I’m like ninety percent sure, yeah.”

Grabbing Skov’s shirt front to _both_ of their surprise, Joseph hissed “I need that to be a hundred. I need to know for sure. Positive identification, dammit. Was it or wasn’t it?”

Softly pushing Joseph’s hand away, Skov said nervously “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting…kind of weird.” Joseph could easily hear the ‘weirder than usual’ that wasn’t tagged on.

“Dammit!” he snapped as he got to his feet, freaking Skov out some more. Poor thing probably thought that Joseph was going to hit him. Pacing and clenching his fists at his sides because this was fucking _monumental_ , Joseph said “I need to know for sure. Lynch or not?”

Walnut was looking at him with as much confusion as Skov was, who was now sitting on the edge of his bed. Playing with his nail, Skov mumbled “I can ask around. You want me to do that?”

Joseph let out a calming huff of air and came to a halt in his pacing. Getting frustrated would do no one any good. “Please.”

“Yeah, sure,” Skov nodded as he slowly got to his feet, looking at Joseph like he was the biggest conundrum he’d ever met or seen. Not that he was wrong or anything; Joseph didn’t even understand himself most of the time. “I’ll go ask around for you, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, great, thank you. Seriously.”

With Skov gone once more, Joseph threw himself back into the chair and looked out the window. He’d heard when the ambulance came but he’d stopped looking by then. He’d been busy having a full blown panic attack that he hadn’t had close to in years. Finding that someone so close, literally a few feet away, might be what you are did that to you.

His leg bounced up and down as he waited. He needed to know, dammit. Almost three years in this stupid place and all this time, there’d been a dreamer here.

A fucking dreamer.

A _dreamer_.

Joseph’s heart started to pick up once again and he knew that he had to stop this line of thought until he knew for sure. There was no room for ‘ifs’ or ‘maybes’ in something so fucking serious.

It was either yes or no.

Yes was sort of winning right now though.

Ronan Lynch who he apparently had science with. Ronan. It sounded so…Irish. Ronan. Yeah, strong Irish name for sure. He had no idea if he looked remotely Irish though; he couldn’t even remember what the fuck he looked like and Joseph hadn’t exactly been paying attention to his appearance while watching him fight his demons. Did he dorm? Joseph would have to find out. Maybe he was the one the triplets always came knocking on? But why would they? Did they know about his power? For that matter, even if they did…who the fuck were they?

Hmm…

He hadn’t done or said this in a long time but this moment called for…

Research.

Pulling out Skov’s laptop from the blonde boy’s bag, Joseph shoved the trig homework to the side and booted it up. He wasn’t sure what the internet would show him but there had to be something. At least about the dead father, right? A guy just didn’t get his head bashed in everyday in Henrietta; it had to have been big news. Made headlines in the newspaper at least. Joseph remembered reading about it but there hadn’t been much information.

Hence the hopefully helpful internet.

Logging into the guest account, he went straight to the browser but his fingers halted over the keyboard. What did he search? He didn’t know the father’s name…maybe just ‘Lynch?’ But that was a common name… Scratching at his jaw, Joseph finally decided on ‘Lynch killed in Henrietta’ and glossed the few things that popped up. Clicking the link for their local paper, he read the meager details he’d read months ago. Nothing enlightening but he had a full name now.

Typing in ‘Niall Lynch Singer’s Falls’ brought him much more than searching in Henrietta. Apparently, the Lynchs came from some nice town twenty minutes away. Niall had been bludgeoned to death in his driveway with his own tire iron. He’d been found by his son- “Fuck,” Joseph murmured as he continued reading because that must have been hell. Didn’t matter how much Joseph may or may not hate Ivo, he’d never want to find him beaten to death. In their fucking driveway.

If they had a driveway. Their house in Jersey didn’t really have one. Well, it did, just not to the level of suburb driveways and definitely not rural ones.

“Which son though…” he asked, well, the computer as he kept on with his research. They wouldn’t name that because they were minors but damn if he didn’t want to know. “Maybe I can get an address.”

Surprisingly, Lynch was listed on the Whitepages site. They had a house in Singer’s Falls…in a rural area? Google maps didn’t lie but it looked _really_ rural. Henrietta was like a fucking farm for Joseph so seeing this gave him the shivers in a very unhealthy way. He was a city boy; he _needed_ to have buildings and sidewalks and cars to be able to breath. Joseph had grown up walking everywhere, so Henrietta had been weird because while you could walk, it took a while to get from one place to the other. But imagine living on this ranch looking place?

Fuck.

“Hey, so, I asked around,” Skov said as he walked back in, “and everyone’s saying it was Lynch out there. Uh, Ronan not either of the other two.”

Ronan. Ronan Lynch. “You know anything about him?” he asked as he stared at the large farmhouse looking building in Google maps. He needed to go there and check it out. Lynch would be in the hospital so the house had to be empty. His siblings would be with him, wouldn’t they? Joseph needed to snoop in empty peace. “Doesn’t matter what.”

Skov sat down on his bed and Joseph could feel the curious look burning into him. “Uh…not much. He kind of keeps to himself. But he doesn’t dorm-” yeah, Joseph didn’t think so being that he was staring at a large ass house right now, “He lives with that one guy over in that weird building he bought.”

Joseph glanced over at the little blonde in confusion. “What? He doesn’t live in his house?”

“Does he have one? Didn’t know. But nah, I heard he and…” Skov started snapping his fingers as he made a face, trying to grasp who he was thinking of, “you know…what’s his face. Dammit, I can’t remember his name…we see him every now and then. Uh…fuuuck…” He looked over at Prokopenko who walked in with Swan and Jiang in tow. “Who’s that dude that Lynch lives with?”

Proko dropped into his chair and grabbed a licorice from the bowl, ripping the wrapper open and munching in less than a millisecond. “Dick?”

“Who?”

“Dick, man. Richard.”

“Who the fuck is that?” Joseph all but snapped, his patience really at its end. He had a possible dreamer in the town and this ass wanted to make dick jokes?

His fellow Slav caught the edge in his voice but only acknowledged it with a raised eyebrow. Maybe if he’d been the real Proko, Joseph would’ve gotten more than that. “Dick Gansey.”

“Oh!” Jiang suddenly exclaimed, looking up from his phone where he was sitting on Prokopenko’s bed. He was sitting on Proko’s pillows and had the Ukrainian noticed instead of being focused on another licorice, he would’ve shoved Jiang off.

No asses where heads go.

“The dude who drives the Camaro, yeah?”

There was no time for this right now. He needed concrete answers. Glaring at Jiang, he snapped “You know how many fucking people drive a Camaro?”

“The ’73, man, fucking chill. What’s stuck up your ass?”

The ’73? What ’73? He hadn’t seen anyone-

Oh.

The orange one.

Ohhhh.

Nodding with his brain going millions of miles an hour, Joseph spun back to the computer and searched up Richard Gansey. The results returned him two but both were too old to be a high school kid. But he noticed that they were ‘the first’ and ‘Junior’ which meant that the one he was looking for had to be… “Found you.”

On the Aglionby website of course. He was apparently on the rowing team. Such a fucking stupid sport. Such a rich kid thing. Ugh. Who the fuck had a rowing team but not a baseball one? “It’s golden boy,” he mused to himself because now that he saw the face, Joseph remembered him just fine. This guy always looked at Joseph like he was less than him. Not good enough to kiss his shoe and shit.

Although, Joseph would just take that shoe and shove it up Dick Three’s asshole.

“Why you looking up Gansey?” Swan asked, suddenly over Joseph’s shoulder. “What’s up?”

Ha. As if he’d fucking tell him. Fucking ha. “Nothing, just looking.” Glancing at Swan still staring at him, he added “What do you know about Lynch?”

“Ronan? Not much. He lives with Gansey,” Swan nodded at the photo on the screen, “over in that warehouse they turned into a ‘living space.’ I’ve lived in shitty places but I don’t know how I feel about living in a dank warehouse when I’m rich. Sounds kinda stupid. They’re buddies with that new guy; the charity kid.” An impressed look took over Swan’s face. “Good on him, man, for making it to Aglionby.”

Charity kid? How out of the loop was Joseph? “What charity kid?”

“Dude, where are you half the time? That one guy from the trailer park.”

“Adam Parrish,” Jiang chimed in, “Handsome dude, let me tell you. He’s like…rustic comfort boy. I like that.”

Yeah, he had no idea who the fuck that was. If there was a handsome guy around, Joseph would’ve caught sight of him even though he wasn’t a fag. “Rustic comfort? Is that thing?”

Jiang nodded like ‘yeah, fuck yeah.’ “Sort of like…soft smooth features. Not sharp angles like…” his mouth upturned and his eyes looked to the side as he thought, “like you,” he finally settled on. “Your face is all sharp with your jawline and nose and those nice ass cheekbones that you don’t deserve.” Joseph self-consciously rubbed one of his cheeks. He had nice cheekbones? “Even if you weren’t so fucking underweight, you still have those angular features. Adam’s all nice and soft.”

“Uhuh,” Joseph said, acted like he wasn’t at all curious in seeing this Adam for himself. “So trailer boy hangs with Lynch and Gansey?” One more person he had to check out. Although…he probably would have checked out Adam anyways.

Just…natural curiosity, that was all.

“So why are we supposed to care?” Prokopenko asked, now on to a bag of chips. It was a wonder that this guy wasn’t unhealthy by now. “Who gives a fuck about them?”

He didn’t give a fuck about _them_ at all.

Joseph gave a fuck about _him._

“Nothing,” he replied easily, spinning back to face the computer, tilting his head as he stared at Gansey’s smiling face. “Nothing at all.”

“Fuck, dude, this is right where Lynch ripped himself apart,” Swan practically whispered as he gazed out the window. Glancing back at Joseph, he asked in worry “Shit, did you see him?”

The worry was cute, he had to admit. “I didn’t see shit. What should I have seen?”

“They said Lynch ripped his arms to pieces,” Jiang called from Prokopenko’s bed, head down into his phone. “Like seriously ripped. This is the only time I will ever say that I’m a coward because the thought of taking a knife to my arms…”

Absently grasping his arm and softly rubbing it, Joseph bit his lip and considered what he was hearing about Lynch’s ‘attempt’ and what he’d seen. It wasn’t until he felt like he was burning did he look up and realize that Swan was watching that arm movement very carefully. Thank God today was kind of chilly and Joseph had gone for a light long sleeve. “So Lynch lives with golden boy?” he asked, removing his hand without a thought as to why, “What about his brothers? Someone’s gotta dorm, right?”

“The older and the younger,” Skov nodded, “Uh…I know one is Matthew but I don’t know who the other one is. Something with a ‘D.’”

So the freaky triplets were visiting the other brothers…but if they were to visit anyone, why wouldn’t it be the freak of nature Ronan? Unless the other brothers knew something? Or the triplets actually had nothing to do with anything…but Joseph had gotten one hell of a vibe off of them. No, they knew something, they had to. Which meant one of the brothers did too.

He watched as Swan sat on the floor and rubbed down Walnut, her tail going so fast that Joseph was sure she’d take off in flight any second now. Something big was either going on or about to. Henrietta didn’t have coincidences or play games. Fate had brought him to Proko’s room and fate had told Ronan to sleep on the lawn. And fuck if he wasn’t going to push fate into making them understand one another. He had no intention of losing this revelation.

_Ronan Lynch, get ready to meet Joseph Kavinsky…_


	94. Chapter 93

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hows life, tell me about you day
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“No skin off my dick, man. I don’t mind.”_

It’d taken him a few days to gather his nerves but finally, Joseph had made it to the Lynch ranch. And, Lord, was it something. He didn’t just mean in terms of the land and building because, yeah, that was all amazing but no he meant the _feeling_.

It felt like he was in a dream.

Stepping out of his car quietly even though he knew that no one was here – unless they were a creeper like him – Joseph stared at the old farmhouse in front of him. He liked it; it felt like a home. It felt like people had lived and laughed and loved here.

Basically, it made Joseph yearn for his own home. And kind of hate Lynch for having this and not living here. Why the fuck would someone leave their memories behind on purpose?

With a deep breath to build up some nerves, he shut his door and walked up to the house. Trying the knob got him nothing, which he’d expected, but he and Emilio hadn’t spent three months learning to pick locks for nothing. Taking out the little kit from his pocket that he’d bought years ago, Joseph worked silently and carefully until the lock clicked, granting him access.

In he went.

“Fuck this place, man,” he whispered in awe. And he was barely in the entryway, dammit. Walking closer to the mirror that met him, he stared at his face and tried to see who everyone saw. They saw Kavinsky in this town, Swan and old Proko saw broken Joseph, his mother saw her son – used to anyways, but who did he see? Blinking at the guy blinking back at him, Joseph only saw himself. Just Joseph.

He wondered when the day would come that everyone would just see him.

Sighing, he glanced around the place and was, well, instantly in love. This place was perfect. It wasn’t some rich old fuck’s place; it felt like a mismatched loved place where a family had lived. But what made it even cooler than just being a home was the fact that Joseph could literally feel the _magic._

The dreams.

“Maybe I should have brought a camera and a notebook,” he murmured as he looked around, stepping into the kitchen. Was Lynch this powerful of a dreamer? Fuck, Joseph had nothing on him. Stopping at the fridge, he flipped through a calendar that was apparently all about April and crows. Joseph had had dreams like that; shit would just keep going in circles and never worked. “Why the fuck is nothing plugged in?” he muttered when he noticed that every wall plug he passed was empty. Looking at the toaster in front him, he was surprised in not finding a power cord. Not that it’d need one, though, right? Joseph had made tons of things that just ran on themselves. A sort of dream power.

But who the fuck wasted their time on a toaster? Sounded like a headache and the lack of sleep for no reason.

His continued exploration of the house led him to more conclusions like that. Ronan sure seemed to like wasting his time on stupid shit. But the flowers were definitely cool; they were different in that good way. Maybe Joseph would dream some for his mother for her coming birthday. That’d be nice.

Walking into the next room, thoroughly enjoying himself as he walked through the house, Joseph froze with his heart halting all functions. Fuck. The place sure as hell didn’t feel lived in and yet right there was a woman. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Okay, no biggie, he’d just slowly back up and off he went. Simple. She wouldn’t even know that he’d been here.

Joseph took one step back before the contents of the…sitting room maybe captured his interest. This room alone was crazy and filled with so much dream shit, that he just wanted to dive in. The woman hadn’t heard him moving the entire time he’d been here so…maybe she was a heavy sleeper? He didn’t want to miss this opportunity because of some lady.

Okay, no problem, he could do this.

Taking a step back in, he slowly and very quietly took stock of the various things around him. There was literally everything from chairs to swords to half…was that light fixture? “The fuck are you dreaming, Lynch,” Joseph whispered as he bent down and examined the ruined light. What the hell would he need with this?

When he got bored of the various half assed things in the room, he stepped closer to the sleeping woman because why not? He could just look; not like it’d hurt anyone. She was beautiful, that was for sure, with her golden hair pulled up and her flawless face relaxed in a soft sleep. It was surprising though, to find her hooked up to feeding tubes and an IV. Was she supposed to be bedridden and decided to break the rules by sitting in here? It wasn’t like Ivo was ever good at listening to those rules so maybe this lady wasn’t either.

“Miss?” he couldn’t help but whisper because it was freaking him out how peaceful she was looking. Sure, people were peaceful when they slept but come the fuck on. Very carefully, he rested a hand on her knee, “Miss? Miss, shouldn’t you be in bed?” When she didn’t even twitch, Joseph was officially freaked. “The hell?”

Who was she anyways? Could she be Lynch’s mother? But why would she be here and them in Henrietta? That was weird. Joseph was constantly high as hell but even he would never leave his mother behind, especially when she wasn’t well. “Pictures,” he said as he got to his feet. He needed to find pictures of the family.

Cringing every time the stairs creaked under his feet, Joseph skipped the rooms until he found the master bedroom. If there was going to be photographs anywhere, it’d be here. “Aha,” Joseph quietly cheered to himself as he went over to the dresser and picked up a photo. And yup, that woman had to be the mom. Besides for the younger boy, the other two looked like their father. Joseph could smell the Irish charm off the bastard just from the photo. Damn.

He walked out of the room after returning the picture and went back downstairs to the woman. Three boys and two parents. Well, one because the other was now very dead. But the three boys were in Henrietta? “Fucking weird,” he mumbled as he went back to crouching in front of the woman. “I don’t get it…what’s wrong with you? Your like in a weird ass- oh fuck.”

Fuck.

No but…that wouldn’t make any sense. Lynch couldn’t dream up his mother because she had to have been around first to give birth to them. Plus, Lynch was alive and kicking last he’d checked so…hmm… Joseph felt like this was a Kalina sort of situation. He should’ve asked Atanas about her while he’d had the chance but it’d completely passed his mind. Fuck his stupid head. “Focus,” Joseph scolded, turning his thoughts back to the woman in front of him. Okay, so she couldn’t be Ronan’s dream thing but she sure as hell gave off a dream vibe now that he was paying attention. It’d just been lost in the house that was filled with dream vibes.

The woman was a dream person but whose?

Him crouching here wouldn’t get him any answers.

Joseph got to his feet and spared the woman one last glance before walking out of the room then the house. He still had way more ground to cover. There were like a billion little barns around the land that needed checking out before it got dark.

Treading through the grass, Joseph came to a slow halt when he saw some brown lump in the grass. “Is…that a fucking cow?” he said in disbelief, totally dumbfounded. Why the hell would Lynch dream up a cow? Okay, sure, Joseph had done his fair share of animals but that was for practice. By the look of the number of brown hills in the grass, there were a lot more than needed for practice attempts.

Dropping to his knees in the soft grass, he rested his hand on the cow’s head. “Fuck, this is so cool,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh because he always wanted to get close to a cow. He hadn’t been able to convince his parents to take him to a farm for the full farm animal experience. They were city people and-

_“City people just don’t do farms, brat.”_

Yeah, that.

Petting her because she was just so pretty, he looked at her long eyelashes in awe. She was such a pretty and peaceful looking cow. “Hey there,” he whispered because how could he not? The cow did nothing though and Joseph hadn’t expected her too. The air around her felt like that that had surrounded the woman inside.

Everything here was asleep. Why, he wasn’t too sure yet because the one who he suspected was a dreamer was alive in the hospital. But what he did know for sure was that there was a dreamer around here. A dreamer who was good at testing and taking and creating.

Joseph didn’t remember the last time he’d tasted hope but it’d never tasted this good.

He wasn’t as alone as he thought he was.

 

 

Taking a deep breath, Joseph pulled up tetíncho Yulian’s number and thought about what he was going to write. He’d prefer to ask Asen because he didn’t have to worry about family ties but he didn’t have the man’s number and no amount of internet searching had found him anything. But then, the sunshine man was of the mob so if he did have information on the internet, then he was fucking stupid.

“All in the name of dreaming, right?” Joseph murmured to Walnut, lying beside him on his bed. His fingers hovered over the virtual keyboard for only a moment longer before he typed with a panicking heart.

_I need a favor_

“There,” he said triumphantly, smiling at Walnut like he’d just accomplished the hardest thing in the world. “See how easy that was?”

 

* * *

 

Yulian glanced at his phone as it lit up on the table. They had this rule where no phones at the dinner table but he always pushed it. He was the dad, he got to do that. Setting down his fork, he dragged his phone over with a finger, tapped the screen, and saw that he’d gotten a message.

“No phones,” Anka snorted, glaring at him for breaking the rule.

“If looks could kill,” he murmured as he sent an unamused one her way, deliberately unlocking his phone in a flashy way. “If.”

“Hey, it’s your rule.”

“When you have a job and have to worry about last minute things, lemme know,” Yulian replied as he stared in confusion at some text. He sure as hell didn’t know this number and yet they were asking for a favor? Maybe they had the wrong person.

_Wrong number_

“Is there any more potatoes?” Ivet asked as she stood and leaned over to see the contents of the bowl beside Anka. Yulian still had trouble connecting the fact that her little belly was carrying his grandchild. Jesus Christ. “I want.”

“I ate them all,” Anka said, almost superiorly. She hadn’t taken the news well though Yulian still couldn’t figure out why. It seemed to bother her that Ivet was going to have her niece. “Sorry.”

There was a little flash of annoyance because she probably was guessing correctly that Anka did it on purpose. Nikol was as aware as Yulian on the tension and smoothly cut in as she held out her plate. “Here, I put too much.”

His phone vibrated again.

_No, tetincho, I don’t think it is_

“The fuck?” he couldn’t help but exclaimed, staring at his phone in shock and knowing that his family was staring at _him_ in shock.

_I need u to look someone up for me. Promise its not for anything stupid or dangerous. Just need info. Will u? I was gonna ask asen but I don’t have his number_

“Daddy, you’re not supposed to curse,” Timotei reminded before shoving a green bean in his mouth. The only vegetable he’d eat but, hey, at least it was something.

“Tate or tatko, stupid,” Albena snorted with an eyeroll. “Daddy isn’t our word.”

He was in too much shock right now to deal with his kids. Joseph? Joseph was texting him? What in the hell? And he’d ask _Asen_ before he’d ask him? Fuck, that hurt.

 _Can I call?_ he typed quickly, his mind only on what was going on in the digital world right now.

_No_

“Fucking hell,” Yulian snapped in frustration. “Fucking _dammit_.”

“Yulian?” Nikol said in angry shock, “Kids? Your language?”

Abruptly getting up from his chair while ignoring his wife calling him back – he’d deal with that scolding later – Yulian opened the front door and went out, taking a seat on his stoop.

_It’d be easier on phone_

_Just give me Asen’s number then_

“Fucking Joseph,” he muttered, rubbing his face in frustration. “Stubborn bastard.”

_Fine what do you need_

_Niall Lynch. Everything u can find_

Who the hell was that? Well, that was supposed to be his job to find out, wasn’t it? He hadn’t exactly done a whole detail set in a while though… Pulling up Asen’s number, he called the expert. “I need a favor.”

“Oh?” Asen said in surprise, the sound of people talking in the background just low enough for Yulian to not be able to make out the words. “Lana, no. You should have started with a hello then.”

It took Yulian a second to realize that the last sentence was for him and not Asen’s youngest. “Hello? Hi, Asen, how are you? Great? Good, very good. Listen, I need a favor.”

“Alright, alright,” he sighed tiredly, the little girl now crying. “You’ve made your annoying point. What’s up? Nothing excessive is it? I’m exhaust- Maximillian, c’mere and take Lana.” There was angry mumbling before Asen said something that he would’ve snapped if he wasn’t so tired sounding “She’s your niece. Deal.”

“If you’re busy…”

“When aren’t I,” Asen snorted before silence filled the background. “Okay, go ahead.”

“I need detail on a Niall Lynch.” Hopefully Joseph didn’t think he refused by not answering yet.

“Who the hell is that?”

Flicking a little beetle off his knee, Yulian snorted “I’ve no fucking idea. But I need it.”

“Yulian, my days are very long. I’d rather not waste my little quiet time on some fuck just because you’re bored. Can’t you just-”

“It’s for Joseph.”

That shut down Asen fast. “Joseph?” he said in hopeful surprise. “You’ve spoken with him? How is he? Is he-”

“I haven’t, he texted. I didn’t even know he had a phone. Texted that he needed a favor, said that he’d rather have asked you but he didn’t have your number-”

“Oh, well, make sure to give it to him. And I’ll get right on it. Call you back soon.”

Yulian stared at his phone, a little offended that he’d been hung up on. Seemed if you wanted Asen to get something done quick, you had to say that it was for Joseph. Who would have thought? Pulling his messages back up, Yulian wrote _Whos he?_

_If I knew I wouldn’t be asking_

Rolling his eyes, he typed _u got the name from somewhere_

_U gonna do it or not_

_Yeah yeah on it already. Patience dear child. How r u?_

_Do I fucking look like I want ur small talk_

Smirking superiorly at the opportunity presented, Yulian laughed as he typed _dunno, cant see ur face_

_Fuck u_

_That’s incest. Plus im too old for u. tho I must boast my superior lover skills. Cant be that hard to please a guy over a woman_

After a few minutes of nothing, Yulian was a little worried he’d scared him off. It was Joseph’s fault that he’d made it easy. The boy had to learn to joke again. It used to be Yulian the one with something stuck up his ass but now it always seemed like he was the mellow one around here. Jesus, how times have changed.

His phone buzzed with a new message as the door opened behind him. He could tell just from the way they breathed that it was Andrey. His kid breathed kind of weird, to be honest. They’d taken him to the doctor to check it once but she’d said that everything was fine. He was just weird.

_U going fag? Tetka not interesting enough anymore?_

_Funny. And who knows maybe I was bi all this time and no one ever bothered asking_

“Who you talking to?” Andrey asked as he sat beside Yulian. “Must be important. Mayko is pissed at you, by the way.”

“I’m used to it,” he snorted as he waited for Joseph to answer. He wasn’t actually bi but he had no problems in admitting that a guy was handsome. He was quite secure in his masculinity, thank you. “Ivet beat up Anka yet or vice versa?”

Sighing heavily because he couldn’t seem to find the balance between love and sister, Andrey muttered “I tried understanding why she’s upset but she won’t tell.”

_Then if u were id tell u that I hate u for making me go thru hell alone_

“Fucking bitch,” he couldn’t help but snap because how many fucking times had he tried? Dammit, he’d tried so hard but Joseph would never let him in.

_Cant help u unless u want to be helped. Which u constantly told me that u didn’t. don’t u dare put that blame on me_

_Whatever im not going to waste my fingers. Let me know when u got my stuff_

He didn’t have the chance to type his reply before he received another message, knowing that it’d be the last.

_Thx_


	95. Chapter 94

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Hey, so, I’m just a tad curious here…who beat your daddy’s head in?”_

“A lot of this is weird conjecture that I can’t quite sort through,” Asen said as he handed Yulian a small file the next day. “Obviously it’s not much and doesn’t even make sense at that but here you go.” Glancing around the top floor where they stood in front of the door of the meeting room, he lowered his voice and asked “What’s he need it for?”

“I’ve no idea,” Yulian replied as he flipped the folder open and stared at the picture of one Niall Lynch. “I asked but he shut me down fast. I was shocked that he even texted.”

“Did you remember to give him my number?”

He didn’t want to dampen Asen’s mood – though anything rarely proved to be able to manage such a feat – but should he tell him that Joseph probably wouldn’t contact him? The boy had made it explicitly apparent that talking was a no with anyone and everyone. “I’ll give it when I give him this.” Should he take pictures and just send those? That’d probably be best because he was so not texting this shit out. If Joseph would just take the damn phone call. “What the hell does ‘sales in the unfound’ mean?”

“One of the many things I asked myself while looking this guy up, trust me.” Asen stretched his arm over and flipped a few sheets before finding the one he wanted, pointing out something to Yulian. “Check this out. ‘Sales in the unfound’ becomes ‘sales of rarity’ and then ‘sales of antiques’ _then_ ‘sales of the _imaginary_.’ And that last one? Was the most obscure thing I found on him. You know how much digging I had to do to get that? It has to be something important.”

Sales of the imaginary? What the hell? “No known associates or jobs or anything?”

“Besides those sales? No. Well, besides something or someone called a ‘Laumonier.’ I couldn’t find anything attached to that name though but it sounds French maybe. It was by luck that I even found it connected to Lynch.” _Joseph, what have you gotten yourself into..._ “Oh!” Asen suddenly said like he remembered something super important, “Lynch has three boys – Declan, Ronan, and Matthew.”

“And?”

“They all go to Joseph’s school.”

Yulian raised a brow at a defiant looking Asen who said “You don’t seriously think that I wouldn’t have looked him up, do you? I like him a lot, Yulian, not to just act like he didn’t exist.”

Nodding slowly as he turned back to the file, he wondered if Joseph had any connections to Lynch’s boys. He had to, didn’t he? Why else would he want to know about the father? “You think that might play into why he wanted this?”

“I think it has a high chance, don’t you?”

“Sales of the imaginary is really throwing me off,” Yulian muttered, both he and Asen entirely engrossed in the papers. Asen probably had already read them a billion times but even Yulian could admit that there was no just reading them. They needed to be analyzed and probed and reread and-

“What are those?”

They both jumped guilty though they shouldn’t have because that just made it seem worse, turning to face Ivo who had just come up the stairs, glancing between them and then to the folder. “Nothing,” Yulian answered, trying not to let it show that he’d been spooked as he closed the folder. “Research.”

“Research is always good,” Ivo replied, pulling the folder from between his fingers, a challenge glistening in his eyes, daring Yulian to withhold information from him. In hindsight, they shouldn’t have done this right in front of the meeting room, in the middle of home base. It was early morning so the place was pretty empty but they should’ve remembered Ivo. Literally the most important person they should have remembered. “But I don’t remember asking for anything?”

Asen shared a glance with Yulian, silently asking how much they were supposed to share. And, well, he had no fucking answer for that as he watched Ivo flip the folder open and read the topmost sheet. “Ivo-”

“Shush, I’m reading,” he murmured, his serious ‘focusing’ look on his face as he read. It took him all of two minutes to read over every sheet – the fucker had always been fast – before he flipped back to a specific sheet. “Sales of the imaginary…”

The thing was, it didn’t sound like a question like he and Asen had said it. It was more of a ‘I’ve an idea of what this is.’ “We couldn’t figure out what that was.”

Ivo nodded forward towards the door but said nothing as he continued reading. Taking that as their cue to go in, both of them went with Ivo following, silently closing the door behind them. “Why’d you look this up? Why look up this man?”

Grey eyes darted to his, once more asking what the hell they were supposed to say. “Curiosity,” Yulian settled on, knowing that if Ivo felt like being an ass today, he’d make sure to take full responsibility. No need for Asen to get a slap on the hand too. “Just curious.”

Finally looking up, Ivo’s face was entirely blank and Yulian always knew that it meant bad shit. Feeding him a lie was always bad shit because it was like he could smell them as well as Yulian could. “This is a specific detail for a specific man. That’s not just plain curiosity.” Yulian said nothing, merely gazed back with the same blank look. “Well?”

“It was a name that passed my radar, I was curious.”

“Try again. This time with a little more truth.”

Could he mention Joseph? Actually, the real question was, should he? “I did it as a favor and I asked Asen to help me because he’s better at. Not that-”

“While I admit to Asen’s superior digging skills,” Ivo interrupted, “I’ve requested no favors.” Walking closer, the folder clutched tight in his hand, Ivo repeated “Why?”

Fuck. _Sorry, Joseph, but there’s no way I can lie my way out of this one._ “Joseph asked me to.”

Even that didn’t break Ivo’s blank façade. “Asked you.”

“Texted me yesterday. I asked Asen.”

Ivo nodded like it made complete sense for Joseph to ask for such a thing, some weird look of understanding coming on his face. What was there to understand though? And even if there was something, how would Ivo of all people be the one to understand it when he hadn’t spoken to Joseph in years? “I see.” Handing the folder back to Yulian’s surprise, he said before walking out “I’d say put a warning note to stay away from that man but looks like business already caught up with him. Tell Joseph to be careful in what he thinks he’s playing in.”

“What’s that mean?” Asen whispered as though Ivo could hear them from outside. Who knew? Maybe he was standing behind the door. He wasn’t the type too but this whole thing was weird right now.

Glancing down at the folder in his hand, he replied “I’ve no idea.”

 

* * *

 

_Be careful in whatever it is ur up to_

“No probs, tetíncho,” Joseph muttered as he squinted at the photos. Guess it would have been too much to make him scan and email them, huh? Rubbing Walnut’s head who was asleep beside him, Joseph read over what he had. Sales of the imaginary was really sticking out to him right now. Could those be dream objects? Was Niall selling dream things? Who the fuck did that? It had never once occurred to him to try and profit from his dreams because, well, it was something special.

And no, him selling forgeries and dream drugs did not count. That was different. For Niall to have his name attached to this, he’d have to have been selling heavy duty shit. There was no other way to make a name for yourself around the world besides for that. Maybe that was why his house had been so full of crap? Things he’d try to create and adjust and sell?

Damn. To think that before the start of the summer, there’d been two dreamers only twenty minutes away. What the actual fuck, man.

Once he’d figured that Niall had to have been a dreamer which was where Ronan had to have gotten it, Joseph immediately knew what the fuck was going on with the ranch place. All that shit wasn’t younger Lynch’s, it’d been senior’s.

Meaning that the woman had been a dream object of Niall’s.

Joseph had no idea if the woman had died and he’d recreated her or what but Niall being beaten to death was why she was in a coma. There was no dreamer for her to thrive off of. He didn’t know if other dreamers could awaken someone else’s animate creations or not. The woman hadn’t even twitched when he’d touched her but maybe it took more than just a dreamer’s presence?

Hmm…

“No wonder you guys left her behind,” Joseph murmured as he read over Niall’s will. “What kind of fucking father throws his kids out? The fuck.” There was some Latin ass shit that made no sense but whatever. He didn’t give a fuck about this fucker’s will.

No, he was far more interested in digging for the sake of figuring out Ronan. Ronan was the one who was important to him because that there was a _living_ connection to all things dream magic. The first _alive_ person Joseph had ever met that was literally a dreamer. A grey fucking whatever it was that he couldn’t remember. Damn him breaking off shit with Atanas when he could really use him now. And damn Atanas for being a typical bullheaded Bulgarian.

Ugh.

All that needed to be done was get Ronan on his side. But first he had to learn about him; the way he viewed the world, the way he felt about dreams, and power and just…he need to know _everything_. Because knowing everything affected everything.

It was all important.

The only other thing that stuck out to him in the miniscule file was the mention of a ‘Laumonier.’ Joseph had no idea what the fuck that was and the file didn’t seem to either. But it was associated with Niall Lynch and specifically in the section about ‘sales of the imaginary.’ Meaning…it had to be related to the sale of dream objects, right? Maybe it was a place where people met up for the dream black market? Or…maybe it was a person? “Hey, maybe it was someone who bought shit from Niall before.”

If it was a person, then that person had connections to the dream market which meant- “Connections to other dreamers,” he whispered in realization. What if he could potentially meet other people like him? More than just a fellow high school boy but actual pros who knew what they were doing? Or maybe there was like a specialist or mentors who taught you the ropes? “Fuck, that’d be so fucking cool.”

Alright so…finding out what this Laumonier was would be a good next step. Cool, cool. Damn, just the thought of finding people connected to dreams or to meet other dreamers…holy hell, Joseph couldn’t _believe_ it. He actual felt something akin to…damn, excitement. Hope. How crazy was that? Like he was finally, _finally_ , on the verge of understanding himself.

Understanding himself was something he wanted more than anything in the world.

 

 

“…heard he got released,” Skov yawned as Joseph walked up to the bench where he and Swan were sitting at for lunch the next day. Lord, did Joseph seriously hate Mondays. It wasn’t just the fact that they were Mondays but it always felt like the teachers came back with an excited vigor. It was like ‘hey, I drank a bottle of Henny and I’m ready to face rich pricks!’

It was, to say the least, exhausting.

“Who, bitches,” Joseph asked as he dropped in beside Puppy. Pulling out a cigarette even though it wasn’t allowed – like Joseph gave a fuck – he said “Tell me more.”

“Lynch got released from the hospital. Word on the street is that he’s recovering really well.”

His hand froze over his lighter which he’d been just about to flick on, posed at the end of his smoke. Lynch had been released? Very interesting… Acting like he didn’t give a fuck as he lit up, he said “Oh yeah?”

“Yup.”

How long should he wait until he approached him? How should he even go about approaching him though? If he was like Joseph, he’d kept his secret a secret for what felt like gazillions of years. If someone just walked up to Joseph and said ‘hey, I know you’re a dreamer’ he’d outright deny it. It’d been buried deep within him for too long for it to just be pulled with a slight tug.

No, he had to be much more tactical. What Joseph needed was a plan of action; action that would slowly bring him closer to Lynch in a sort of deceptive way. Joseph didn’t trust easily on the basis of a million things but being a dreamer also made him extra cautious. Whether or not Lynch was the trusting type, he had no idea, but based on him being a dream boy, he’d at least be cautious like Joseph.

“Hey, can I borrow Walnut?” Swan asked around the celery he was munching. This dude was weird; he actually _enjoyed_ celery.

Without peanut butter.

The fuck.

“Borrow her?” Joseph repeated in confusion before taking a long drag and blowing the smoke to the side. To this day, he still couldn’t do rings. Bugged the crap out of him that he couldn’t do it. “Why do you want to borrow my dog?”

Swan shrugged like he’d asked a totally normal thing. “I like going running Sunday mornings and it’d be more fun if I had a dog to run with. Plus, I bet those long legs of hers are itching to run too. Fuck, I can’t believe that little pea became her. What the hell.”

“You’re telling me,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, accepting the cookie Skov offered him. “I mean, I knew she’d get big because she’s got bloodhound in her but damn. Whatever else she’s mixed with has made her a giant.”

“How come he’s seen her as a baby and I only met her recently?” Skov muttered darkly, always getting upset when he felt like he was left out of something.

Biting his cookie and then taking a drag to create the awesome combination of a smoky cookie, Joseph snorted “Fucker, you freaked meeting her-”

“I wouldn’t have if I’d met her as a baby.”

Cutting in with a heavy sigh, Swan said “So can I pick her up Sunday mornings?”

Walnut would probably love going for a run. He took her for walks and to the fairgrounds so she could lope around without a leash but maybe she’d like a run too. Those long legs were always itching to move. “Yeah, sure, why not. She’d love that.” Pointing at the big dude across from him with his cigarette, he added “But if she comes back dirty, you’ll be the one cleaning her. And not just a hosing; a proper bath because that dog sleeps in my bed and fuck if I’m sharing with a dirty beast who always tries to lick my face.”

Swan laughed as plucked the cigarette from between Joseph’s fingers, taking a long drag and blowing out rings, goddamn him. “No skin off my dick, man. I don’t mind.”

Yanking his smoke back, Joseph snorted “Why, you ain’t circumcised?”

“Ew, guys, we’re so not talking about our dicks over lunch,” Skov interrupted, making an overexaggerated frown. He threw a glare at Swan for starting this, “And it’s no skin off my back, stupid.”

“I like no skin off my dick better,” Swan said with a smirk, “I like talking about my dick anyways. He’s a nice fucker.” Joseph couldn’t help it, he broke in raucous laughter because, well, fucker. Get it? The dick was not only a fucker like noun but a fucker like a verb too. “See? Kavinsky gets it. Means he gets more than your puppy ass does.”

Puppy was so red as be blustered out “I’m not rushing, okay? It has to be…right.”

“Aw, baby, you a virgin? That’s so cute.”

“Don’t virgin shame me, jerk.”

“Don’t virgin shame him,” Joseph snorted, stealing himself another cookie. Peanut butter was fucking goooood. “He don’t wanna fuck, then he ain’t gotta fuck. Don’t pressure him.”

“Wow, thank you,” Skov said in some weird loving awe that Joseph did not like at all. “I appreciate that.”

Raising a brow as he munched his cookie, Joseph took a long drag. Feelings were weird. Ew. “You ever heard the name Laumonier?”

Skov looked completely throw by the change of subject as he shook his head. “Nah, should I have?”

“Dunno,” Joseph shrugged because, well, he didn’t. “Heard it and was wondering if anyone else has.”

While Ronan was his holy grail of a discovery, this Laumonier was his connection to the world of dreams in the waking world. He just needed to find out what the fuck it was.

Or who.


	96. Chapter 95

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Chat, suggest, criticize, hit the kudos button, request a Snapshot and...  
> Enjoy
> 
> Seriously tho, do something from the above. Make it your goal for the day. Besides enjoying. That's a natural given; pick another
> 
> _“There’s…this guy I like. I wanna…invitehimtoyourparty.”_

“Happy birthday,” he whispered to the sleeping form of his mother. He’d say it again once he got home from school but for now, this would do. Despite her not knowing, he liked knowing that he made sure to say it first thing in the morning. It was important.

He set the watch he’d bought on her nightstand and the vase of strange beautiful flowers he’d dreamed on her dresser. Her awareness was very little but he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d know that they were special flowers. Remember that she’d accepted his powers with ease but not him.

Sighing and shaking his head as he closed the door and walked out because depressing thoughts would do him no good right now, Joseph went and grabbed his stuff from his room and wished Walnut a good day before bouncing down the stairs and out the door. School awaited. Not that he was looking forward to it but he was hoping, like he had for the past two days, that Lynch would come back today. He needed to start getting eyes on the guy so he could decide his next move.

But Lynch wasn’t showing his face yet.

Which, okay, it hadn’t been that long since he’d been released from the hospital but come _onnn_. Joseph was dying here. His life depended on Lynch’s right now.

Lynch who was another dreamer. Joseph was going to meet an actual fucking _dreamer_.

“A dreamer,” he muttered to himself, still in complete disbelief as he pulled out of his driveway and headed to school. “Jesus.” He cranked up his music as he drove, musing on how in the hell he was going to figure out what the fuck a Laumonier was. And when he did, what would he do? If it was like a marketplace, Joseph wasn’t sure that he actually wanted to sell like Niall had. He could keep selling out of this world drugs but to sell artifacts? Crazy batshit dream shit?

For some reason, putting dream objects in the hands of black market people bothered him. But drugs, drugs he was okay with. He could do that.

Parking beside a nice ass but very…what was the word he was looking for…presidential? looking Volvo, Joseph got out and grabbed his bag from the trunk, locking his car with a loud beep of the alarm. The owner of the Volvo, it seemed, was leaned on the opposite side on his phone. Joseph was just going to walk past because he gave no fucks to make random convo but he paused to take a closer look after just a side-eye made his heart jumped.

And no, it wasn’t jumping because the guy was handsome. Not that he was or wasn’t. Joseph’s thoughts on that matter weren’t anyone’s business.

No, the reason he stopped was because he recognized him.

Strutting over and putting on his ‘Kavinsky’ air, Joseph stood in front of Declan Lynch until the other boy picked up his head. If Joseph hadn’t lost a year, they probably would’ve been classmates. Weird as fuck because he had trouble imagining himself not having classes with any of the assholes he considered his not-friends.

Lynch didn’t appreciate Kavinsky’s superior swaggering, but he straightened as he put his phone in his pocket. “Can I help you?”

“Dunno…” Kavinsky trailed, hooking his thumbs in the pockets of his chinos. “Maybe, maybe not…” Maybe this older Lynch knew about his brother’s powers? Maybe this older Lynch knew about their father’s powers…hell, maybe this older Lynch knew the answer to what Joseph wanted to know. “I’m curious,” he drawled, “are you as slick as you look?”

“You must be as high as you look.”

The corner of his mouth twitched in the curve of a smile. Being that he was wearing sunglasses, thank you, his eyes were not viewable. “Cute. Declan, right?” Wariness creeped in the other boy’s piercing blue eyes but he nodded. “Sorry about you brother. How’s he doing?”

“None of your business. Kavinsky, right?”

Saluting, he laughed “Not at your service, bitch.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be,” Declan said with a smirk of his own, that dumbass superior air around him growing like he thought Kavinsky wasn’t worth the ground he walked on. “Now if you’ll excuse me…”

Grabbing Declan’s upper arm causing him to turn and glare at Kavinsky, he squeezed just a bit in a sort of warning before saying “Hey, so, I’m just a tad curious here…who beat your daddy’s head in?”

Okay, so antagonizing the brother of the dreamer he needed to connect with wasn’t the brightest idea of all time but fuck if it wasn’t fun. Declan reacted so nicely as he yanked his arm away and his nostrils flared with his blue eyes screaming murder like he might just bash Kavinsky’s head in as a memory of his father. “Excuse me?”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Kavinsky laughed, waving off the question, “You ain’t gotta answer that. But hey, liste-”

“No, you listen,” Declan said in a composed air that was entirely at odds with his current furious appearance, “I don’t know what you want or why your druggie ass thinks that it can just swagger around like you can-”

“It can.”

“But you need to stay the hell away from me.” Declan took a moment to think before adding, “and my brothers.”

Honestly, Kavinsky had had no interest in the brothers besides for Ronan but running into Declan presented such an opportunity. “Alright, alright, chill, babe. Look, one last question…the name Laumonier mean anything to you?”

Kavinsky had been posing this question to various people both around school and around town. People he didn’t mind asking or those that looked shady enough to where they might know something. No one had any answers for him whatsoever. “No, never heard of whatever that it.”

No one had ever had any answers for him but suddenly, despite his deceptively very good at lying face, Kavinsky had a feeling that the Irish boy before him actually did know something.

And that, that was very interesting.

Looming closer even though Declan definitely had muscle mass on him, Kavinsky used the tone he’d learned from Ivo. Nice and soft and yet commanding. Threatening. “No, see, I think…I think maybe you have. You have aaand, you just don’t want to say.”

What bothered him – interested him too, ironically – was the way Declan remained oh so stoic. He didn’t let his emotions go up nor down. They just held at a steady bandwidth, the epitome of composed. “I think that I don’t and that I’m going to be late for class.” Spinning back around and not once sparing back a glance, Declan called “Stay away from me, Kavinsky.”

“Problem is…” Joseph murmured to himself and maybe technically Declan if he was able to hear from all the way over there, “I’ve just found you to be far too interesting…” Really, it seemed the entire Lynch family was full of secrets. Joseph hadn’t met or even seen Matthew yet but if everyone else was a special sort of bunch, then Matthew had to have something going for him too.

Hmm.

The school day was remarkably unremarkable in an uneventful sort of way. Joseph was fully disappointed to see that Declan’s Volvo was already long gone by the time he got to his own car. Declan knew something about whatever Laumonier was and Joseph sure as fuck wanted that answer.

Wait, if the fucker dormed…why’d he have his car? He legit could have just walked back and forth. Ronan may be the dreamer of the family, but it sure seemed like Declan had a whole load of shit he was hiding away too.

Interesting.

He couldn’t decide if he wanted to head home or find out what the guys were up to – minus Skov who had mommy’s day – but Joseph was just feeling…blah. What he wanted was to do more dream things digging, more Lynch digging, but he’d dug as much as he could without jumping Ronan. And he knew that they weren’t ready for that point yet. He needed to watch the other boy from afar and get a feel for him. There was always the option of digging deeper into the mystery of Declan but something told him to take a step back from there for now.

Well, then, maybe he needed to take a look at the last brother.

Unlocking his car only to put his bag away and then lock it back up, Joseph spun on his heels and went to go find Jiang. The dude practically knew everyone or at least someone who knew everyone and if anyone was going to guide him in the right direction, it’d be him.

“Ugh, dude, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing your face so soon,” Jiang groaned from the floor of the hall, sitting in front of his door. “Ugh.”

Looking from Jiang to his dorm room and back to Jiang, Joseph asked slowly “What’re you doing…?”

“Sitting, duh.”

“You locked yourself out again, didn’t you.”

Shooting Joseph an evil glare, he muttered “Just open the damn thing.”

“Such a dumbass,” he laughed, shaking his head. “You’re gonna have to learn one of these days. Hey, just call up your buddy Charles-”

“I will break your face, Kavinsky, just get the damn door open.”

“Don’t have my kit on me.”

“It’s in your car.”

Joseph slid down onto the floor beside Jiang with a yawn. “Well, yeah, but that’s not on me. I ain’t walking back for your Asian ass.”

Catching Joseph’s yawn, Jiang replied afterwards “I like my Asian ass. Happy with size and shape, thank you. And I thank God every time I see you that I don’t have yours.” He stretched his arms up over his head before relaxing against the door again. “Having your ass must suck.”

He couldn’t believe it but he spared a glance down towards his butt to have a look even though he was sitting on it. “What’s wrong with my ass? Should there be something special about butts?”

His fellow raven boy was looking at him like he was a complete dumbass. “One of the first things I check out about someone is their ass, man. It’s gotta have shape; nice and sculpted or muscled or even be like fucking jello. It’s just gotta actually show. Yours will never show in this lifetime or the next. You have no shape with that scrawny piece of nothing.”

“So I don’t have a nice ass?” Joseph asked curiously because if he was willing to ask anyone, it’d be Jiang who not only held Joseph’s secret but was pan too. “No one’s ever complained.”

“That’s because you’ve never had anything serious. You just fuck girls as your weird ass conversion therapy as if it’s actually going to change you. They don’t care how your ass looks, they just want the chance to say that you fucked them.”

“I’ve had something serious,” he couldn’t help but snap because he’d had Emilio and Emilio had meant everything. They had been planning on getting _married_ for fuck’s sake. If that wasn’t serious, nothing was. “He just wasn’t shallow enough to give a shit if I had an ass or not.”

Fuck.

“He, huh?” Jiang asked curiously, looking more interested in Joseph than he’d ever seen. It was like he’d just offered him a lifetime supply of money and he wanted to learn more. He was intrigued and Joseph didn’t like it. “Had to be before I met you. What was he like?” Crossing his arms defensively and staring at the opposite wall, Joseph completely ignored the gaze searing into his side. No one could goad him into talking about Emilio. No one deserved to know about him; everyone here would just taint his beauty. “C’mon, Kavinsky, just give me something. A detail. Fine, he thought you had a nice flat ass, what else did he like?”

_“You have the prettiest laugh,” Joseph crooned, leaning over Emilio to steal himself another kiss. He could live a life of crime for those kisses. He would, actually. “It’s so…beautiful. It’s like a joyous song.”_

_“Can you get any more cheesy,” Emilio snorted but he was blushing hard and not meeting Joseph’s gaze so he knew that he loved the words. “It’s just a laugh.”_

_Scooting closer on Emilio’s bed so that their noses were touching, Joseph said “It’s beautiful because it’s you in your happiest moments. And that, dear bromilio, makes me happy.”_

_Emilio was so red that Joseph wanted to make fun of him but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. “Yeah?” he whispered shyly, still not meeting Joseph’s eyes. “Well…I think your smile is beautiful because a genuine one is so rare.” Raising his eyes and wrapping his arms around Joseph to drag him to his chest, Emilio added “It’s like this ray of sunshine, which in turn, makes me laugh.”_

_“Then I think we fit together perfectly,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, tilting his head to catch himself another sweet kiss._

Spinning the yarn bracelet he wore on his arm around and around again on his wrist, Joseph said softly “He liked my smile. He used to say that it was so beautiful, like a ray of sunshine, because a real one is so rare.”

Jiang was silent as Joseph kept spinning his bracelet. A little girl in the park had been making them for a dollar so Joseph had indulged her and asked for one with the colors of Bulgaria – white, green, and red. He’d had her throw in blue to as an homage to Emilio. Puerto Rico’s flag was white, blue, and red.

Even their heritages matched well.

“Your smile’s probably the only thing attractive about you,” Jiang finally snorted, trying to sound like their normal selves but Joseph could hear the seriousness and sympathy in it. “Smart guy.”

“He always hated science though,” Joseph added, unable to stop himself, because that would seriously piss Jiang the scientist off.

“The fuck? Forget it, he’s not smart anymore. That fucking idiot; who hates science?”

Laughing despite himself and his mood because he’d said practically those exact same words once, Joseph sighed and shut his eyes, the feelings of better days flushing over him. He missed those better days so much. “I thought you said I have nice cheekbones,” he said after a minute, remembering the compliment from last week. “I distinctly remember that.”

“Bitch, you fishing for compliments now?” Jiang said with a chuckle. “Yeah, fine, okay, I said that. You do but so do I.”

“Aw,” he Joseph drawled, his eyes still shut in the peacefulness, “you feel inadequate compared to me, you short Asian, you?”

“What’s up anyways? I never asked. Not like you to just come looking for me.”

“Hmm…” he hummed as he stretched, every muscle feeling exhausted and his head heavy from dreaming up the flowers for his mother. Blinking his eyes open, he turned his head to face Jiang’s tired looking face, the words he’d spoken completely lost on Joseph and his exhaustion. “What?”

“You needed something?” Jiang asked curiously, his split brow courtesy of Joseph rising high. “You came looking for me, didn’t you?”

He did? Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. “Yeah, I was wondering if you knew anything about Declan or Matthew Lynch.”

“What’s with the sudden obsession with the Lynchs, man. This because of Lynch attempting suicide? Lots of dudes do it, y’know, he’s nothing special-”

Joseph interrupted him by pulling up his sleeve and shoving his scarred and haggard looking arm in his face. The scars on his left didn’t show much because of his rose sleeve but his right showed just fine until he finished that arm up. “I know, trust me.”

The Asian boy’s eyes went wide in shock upon seeing Joseph’s arm up close and personal. From afar, the scars weren’t easy to make out and maybe not even visible unless some serious squinting was happening. “The fuck? Dude, what the hell have you…I mean, damn, man…” Jiang was looking like he had no idea how to process this information. “If you’re going through shit, look I know I don’t act like it, but if you gotta talk-”

“I don’t fucking need to talk,” Joseph snorted. Yeah, okay, talk. Ha. “I get the whole attempt thing is my point. Just…you know anything about them?”

Not looking too happy at having to change the subject but doing so nonetheless, Jiang shrugged and replied “Not really. But they share a room, I heard. In the building next to us. Older Lynch graduates this year and younger Lynch is a sophomore or freshie. Honestly, not sure. That’s legit all I know.”

“They dorm in the next building?”

“Yup.”

Okay, he could work with that. He wanted to at least get a glimpse of Matthew and maybe he’d run into Declan again and press some more about Laumonier. Because if anyone was going to get him somewhere on that angle, it was definitely going to be Declan.


	97. Chapter 96

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Plus, you wanted to see what Parrish looks like anyways, didn’t you?”_

Amongst his many discoveries about the Lynch family, Joseph had to admit that Matthew was a big one. He wasn’t _just_ Matthew Lynch, the sweet looking golden boy, but he was Matthew Lynch, the sweet looking _dream boy._

Yeah, mega whammy here, Matthew had to be from a dream.

It was the air he gave off, Joseph realized. Being anywhere in decent proximity to Matthew immediately gave him the dream shivers. It felt like he was in Lynch’s house all over again or standing way to fucking close to Prokopenko. The thing about dream things was that once you had a…whiff was a good word, a whiff of dream aura, a person became attuned to it. It also definitely helped that Joseph himself was a dreamer and knew how to recognize things pulled from dreams.

Now the weird thing here was that Matthew was very much awake, unlike the mother. Which had to mean that he wasn’t Niall’s dream thing unless somehow he’d been able to prolong the onset of the coma. But that’d hardly make any sense, right? That wasn’t possible because dream things were nothing without their dreamer unless they were inanimate. Matthew obviously wasn’t soooo….

The youngest Lynch belonged to someone else.

Of all the answers to the proposed question, the obvious would be that he was middle Lynch’s object. Ronan’s. He was the only other dreamer that Joseph was aware of so it had to be him. But what if he wasn’t and Joseph was just jumping to conclusions like an idiot? What if there were more dreamers around?

Now that would be cool.

But really, Matthew had to belong to Ronan. Entirely realistically, that was the only answer that made sense. Now the ‘why’ was a big weird thing that Joseph had no answer for but, at the moment, it was hardly worth his stressing. Honestly, the biggest thing that bugged him about Matthew Lynch was how simple he seemed. He went to Aglionby so he obviously had a brain but the dude was just so…happy go lucky in a bad way. Like, academically, he was smart but put him on the streets and he’d probably give the world his money, cards, social security…everything.

He was too simple. There wasn’t an ounce of complexity or even decent personality to him. It was like Ronan was just like ‘I want a kid brother!’ and hadn’t bothered with any of the important details outside of Matthew filling in the brother role. Who knew if the guy even had organs?

“God, that’d be so fucking cool,” Joseph couldn’t help but whisper as he really thought about a person going around and functioning in society with an empty body. He grimaced when he picked up an open box of condoms in Declan’s drawer. He didn’t care to know whether the dude got some or not.

Why was he going through Declan’s drawer? Well, good question. Very good. Joseph currently may or may not be in Declan and Matthew’s room without permission. He may or may not have picked their lock and gone in to snoop.

May or may not.

Joseph didn’t think he’d find anything about whatever the fuck the stupid Laumonier was supposed to be but he at least wanted to get a feel for two of the remaining members of the local magical family. Best way to do that was go through their things.

Duh.

Sadly, he’d yet to find anything worthwhile. Declan was too smart to leave anything of importance around and Matthew didn’t have anything of importance.

Damn.

Glancing at his watch, Joseph sighed and put everything back the way it’d been, not wanting to push his luck. It wasn’t like he’d found anything good anyways. Standing and doing a quick sweep of the room to make sure that he hadn’t forgotten anything, Joseph grabbed his bag and walked out, relocking the door before heading away like he’d belonged there the whole time.

Most important thing about committing a crime and walking away from it?

Walk the hell away. Don’t run, don’t rush, don’t glance around. Just. Walk.

“Yo, K,” Jiang called as Joseph walked across the dorms’ parking lot to his car. “You got a minute?”

“Maybe not for you,” he laughed as he pulled his keys out and unlocked his car. “I might have a couple seconds though.”

“Cool, cool,” Jiang said in relief as he leaned on Joseph’s car, watching him pull the little lever to open the trunk. Joseph felt Jiang’s eyes track him as he walked to the trunk to toss his bag in. “You thought about throwing a party?”

“This again?” Joseph snorted with an eyeroll, slamming his trunk shut before going back to the open door and dropping into the driver’s seat. He fucking loved the racing seats. Gorgeoussss. “Tell me why and I’ll consider it.”

“C’mon, man,” Jiang groaned, resting his forehead on the arm that was along the edge of the roof. There was a tinge of pink which Joseph couldn’t help but think was kind of cute. Jiang the badass was blushing. Adorable. “You know why.”

Joseph clucked his tongue. “Full truth. All the dirty details.”

Not able to bring himself to meet Joseph’s gaze, Jiang mumbled “TheresthisguyIlike.”

Smiling as he watched this idiot, Joseph said “Try again. Separate words, babe.”

“There’s…this guy I like. I wanna…invitehimtoyourparty.”

“Damn, you were doing so well.”

Jiang groaned again, much louder this time, and banged his head on the roof before lifting it and stoically stared back at Joseph like the bang had shaken his nerves into presence. “There’s a guy I like and I want to invite him to a party so he’d have a good time and…maybe I’d ask him out or something.”

“Ah…” Joseph nodded in thought. A thought suddenly occurred to him and he squinted at Jiang in confusion. “Wait, didn’t you send that one text to Skov? Dirty ass sexting talk with the girl he fancies?”

Jiang broke into raucous laughter. When he could speak again after wiping away his tears, he said “Dude, it was a joke. Did you see how pissed he got? Man, you should have seen the way he blew into my room! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so red and pissed!”

“Aw, and you didn’t record it?”

“Shit, I should’ve! Dammit. So, party?”

Sighing, Joseph shrugged. To be honest, he wasn’t exactly feeling a party but… “Yeah, sure. This weekend if you want.”

“Yes!” Jiang shouted in glee, literally bouncing in happiness. “Fuck, man, thank you. Try not to be an ass so I can impress him, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Joseph snorted, shoving Jiang out of the way of the door, reaching for it to close it. “You’re welcome. Trust me, I’ll think of something for you to pay me back with.”

 

 

“…can try to….through the…”

Joseph grabbed a wax tissue from the little box in front of the fresh donut case and stood as he tried to decide if he was feeling a glazed or a chocolate donut. Maybe he’d just get both and eat the other later.

“No, no…no good..why…”

Deciding on getting both, he put one of each into the little bag with satisfaction. Just the fact that he felt good enough to eat a donut was monumental. His stomach had awakened for an hour and that was plenty for him.

“Laumonier, taking that risk…”

He paused, wondering if he’d been asking around so much that he was just hearing the name now. Had he heard right? Joseph glanced around the bakery section of the market but there was no one speaking to anyone. Maybe…the aisle behind him?

“…with Lynch gone…”

Okay, he sure as fuck hadn’t imagined that. Making sure he was looking all casual, Joseph walked towards the aisle and walked in.

What, or rather, who he found almost made him stop in surprise. But stopping would’ve made him obvious and would’ve made the freaky triplets from before suspect him of something.

So he kept walking, into the aisle, coming to a thoughtful stop in front of the pasta sauce section like he was trying to pick one out. Hopefully, they’d keep talking. Joseph knew for a fact that he’d heard the name Lynch but he wasn’t convinced that he’d heard ‘Laumonier.’ That could’ve have been wishful thinking.

But…what if it hadn’t?

The triplets said nothing, probably not wishing to continue their talks with Joseph standing around. Knowing that if he took too long he’d seem suspicious, he grabbed a jar of sauce at random and began a humming walk away, hoping that he was looking hella casual. He really needed them to say something while he was in earshot but they didn’t even bother. Maybe he’d go to the next aisle and try to see if he could listen in? If they were talking Lynch talk…they had to know _something_ , didn’t they?

Maybe he’d try talking to Declan again.

Waiting in front of the Asian section of the aisle one over, Joseph listened carefully but no other talking came. Sighing in defeat and setting the jar of sauce on a random shelf, Joseph trudged to go pay for his donuts. He still had a fucking party to plan out for freaking Jiang. “I’m getting soft in my age,” he laughed quietly to himself.

“What age would that be?”

Joseph spun around and rolled his eyes at Gwen, fighting the smile that was trying to grow on his face. This woman was like his mother; he just couldn’t find a way to stay annoyed or angry or anything at them. “I’m soooo fucking old, Gwen. I got wrinkles already.”

Dragging him into a hug, she laughed heartily “Baby boy, that’s ‘cuz all the drugs you be putting in your system. We’ve talked about that.”

He really didn’t want to hear the ‘get clean’ speech again. He’d heard it so many times already. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Gwen, you happen to know the name Laumonier?”

The supermarket continued to be normal, seem to be normal at least because nothing groundbreaking happened but for some reason…it felt like the atmosphere was holding a breath. Like the question was on someone’s radar and they were controlling the air flow.

“No, can’t say I do,” Gwen answered as she left her arm looped around his waist and dragged them to the cash register. “Should I? I can ask around for you.”

“Nah, it’s alright, thanks.” There was a nagging in his mind that told him to not get anyone involved. Not even because it probably had to do with dreaming but just because…it just didn’t feel right. Almost like it was dangerous.

As soon as he said no, the market let out the breath it’d been holding.

Joseph was officially freaked. And insane.

“Lemme pay,” he murmured as he grabbed the stuff from her cart and put it on the belt with his donuts. For all the work Gwen did, you’d think she’d be paid more. When she tried to stop him, he sent her a Kavinsky glare. “I got it.”

“And people say you’re a monster,” she laughed as she watched him take everything out of her cart. He sorted them as he went, hating when vegetables weren’t with vegetables and so on.

He spared her a quick glance while putting the last of the groceries up. Must be shopping day because this was a lot of shit. “Haven’t heard that one yet. Can I be a dragon?”

Gwen laughed and watched him with these loving eyes that made his inside goo because he missed having a mother figure looking at him like that. His own mother was too high to manage that shit anymore. She’d recognized that her birthday was a couple days ago and even knew that the gifts were from him but her thank you was too empty for his liking. He knew it wasn’t because she wasn’t thankful but because she just couldn’t express the proper feelings that came with being thankful.

That made it hurt a little less.

Once he paid and they loaded up her cart, he helped her to her car to put the stuff in before heading off on his own way. He felt a prickling on his neck, a very very uncomfortable prickling that he knew came with being watched. He wasn’t sure who or why he was but he felt it.

And he didn’t like it.

Only when he pulled out of the parking lot did the uncomfortable burn stop. Joseph had no idea what any of that was about but he knew two things for sure.

Numero uno, party planning had to happen and word needed to get around. He wasn’t sure if Jiang’s dude was into the drug seen but he’d ask Jiang if there was anything specific he’d like to see.

Numero dos?

Joseph needed to talk to Declan Lynch again.

And push a lot harder.


	98. Chapter 97

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy Veterens Day if your in the US. It's also the 100 year anniversary of the end of WW1 and of the British and French taking the countries of the Middle East, cutting them up, and essentially ruining them. Thanks guys
> 
>  
> 
> On a lighter note...  
> If anyone wants a really really good book rec, I just read Not Even Bones by Rebecca Schaeffer and lord was it gooooood. oh my god, guys, it was amaaaaaazing. Go read it. Seriously. I don't know anyone who's read it and I need to go on and on and on with someone. It's got morally grey characters, badass ladies, murder, torture (not explicit), plot twists, and just all around amazingness
> 
> Go read it
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"You win? You get whatever your imagination delights, Cheng.”_

“Hellooooo,” Kavinsky drawled a day later, leaning in Declan’s doorway with a superior smile because why not. “I’m back, Lynch. I wanna chit chat with you.”

Declan was looking more than just pissed. Could a person be furiously pissed? Did that make sense? “What did I tell you last time? Leave me alone.”

“Actually, it was stay away from you but same shit,” Kavinsky replied with an easy shrug. “But I still have chit chat topics that need talking out so let’s chit chat, Declan. Laumonier, what is it.”

Blue eyes flashed with the name and Declan leaned in close but not before glancing around the hall to make sure that it was empty. “You want some advice, Kavinsky?”

“Not particularly but I’ll listen.”

“My advice,” Declan continued like Kavinsky hadn’t spoken, “is to keep your mouth shut.”

Ooh, that meant he was onto something big. Big big. And of course his curious nature wanted to know what the fuck he was onto. Smirking at Declan and loving the fact that he was just a tad taller even though Declan was a million times more built, he whispered “It has something to do with why your daddy’s death, doesn’t it?” Declan stared back at him, not saying a word. Hell, not even reacting to the words. “Someone bashed Niall’s head in, Lynch, and now your mom is sitting in a coma. Doesn’t it all sound a little…imaginary?”

He had to give Declan a huge amount of credit no matter how much he didn’t want to for not even blinking an eye at his words. The dude had to be surprised that Kavinsky knew shit, didn’t he? “You need to stay the hell away from me and my family,” Declan quietly said, but the threat was evident, “I won’t say it again.”

“Thank God because it’s annoying as fuck,” Kavinsky laughed, hoping his eyes were twinkling in a very irritating way. “Look, Lynch, it’s simple. What do you know about this Laumonier? That’s all I’m asking.”

Declan slammed the door in Kavinsky’s face.

“Okay,” Kavinsky shrugged though Declan obviously couldn’t see. But he knew he could hear. “Maybe I’ll find more details from your mom, huh?”

The door flew open and the next thing Kavinsky knew, he was being slammed by his neck into the wall. Fuck, his head was throbbing now. He wrapped his hands around Declan’s wrists to try and pry him off but it was no good. Leaning close to Kavinsky’s ear, he hissed “Go to my house and you won’t be able to walk for a long time. Stay. The. Fuck. Away.” Declan emphasized this by slamming Kavinsky into the wall again, his head now ringing with the pulsing pain. “Trust me on this. Don’t get in on this. You don’t want to.”

His throat was released and Declan disappeared into his room, the door closing quietly, a complete opposite to the mood. The words almost sounded…like a warning. Was this Laumonier dangerous? Maybe the whole dreaming business was; it sure had been to Niall. The fucker was dead.

Rubbing his throat softly as he walked away, lost in his thoughts, he stumbled into someone. “Watch where you’re going, bitch,” Kavinsky snapped, totally disregarding that it’d been his fault. The other boy said nothing, just gave Kavinsky a quick annoyed glance because they both knew whose fault it was before walking off. “Whatever,” he muttered with an eyeroll. “Fucking Jiang. Fucking party planning. Fucking Jiang for loving.”

If it wasn’t at all apparent, he wasn’t very happy about the party. He was on the verge of discovery and he had to waste time on a stupid party. Fuck him and his niceness. Once he reached Jiang’s room in the next building, he banged on the door. “Open up, fucker.”

He was greeted with the smile of Charles call me Chuck.

Lovely.

“Oh hey, dude, what’s good?”

One of the _many_ problems about Charles call me Chuck is that he tried so hard to be street. Like, it was worse than when Emilio tried to be gangster.

That bad.

“Jiang?” he asked simply, trying very hard to not have a conversation with the guy. Give the guy just a millimeter, not even a fucking inch, and he’d run with it to make it a mile. A kilometer.

Mc. Douche, who looked like a literal douche, leaned on the doorframe and gave Kavinsky one of those ‘winning’ smiles. This idiot had no idea what charm even looked like. “He ain’t here. Should be hella soon though. Wanna hang ‘til he does?”

Ugh, he hated Jiang so much. “Nah, I’ll go see what another buddy is up to.” As if he’d spend even a minute in that room; even Jiang hated spending time there on account of how literally _disgusting_ Charles’ side of the room was. The douche made himself look immaculately amazing with his ugly perfect teeth and perfectly quiffed hair and his stupid sculpted body that saw hours in Aglionby’s rec room and yet the fucker couldn’t keep his room clean. Fuck, he only had to keep _half_ clean and he couldn’t do it.

Was it obvious that Kavinsky couldn’t stand him? Because he couldn’t. Really really couldn’t.

“You sure? I got a fresh gram of the hottest jelly beans this side of the U.S. of A.”

Dear Lord, help this boy of his ridiculousness. “If it was the hottest crack, it would’ve been bought from me.”

Charles blushed in embarrassment, scratching just under his ear. “You charge hella, man.”

“That’s cuz my shit is legit as fuck. You better hope none of that shit you bought has anything mixed into it. You good as fucked then, amigo.”

“Yo, K, what’s up?”

Thank God. Wrapping an arm around Jiang’s shoulders, he dragged him away without a glance back. “Let’s talk party, JJ.”

 

 

“I can do it for you,” Joseph said for the millionth time as he lounged in the passenger seat of Jiang’s Supra. They were on their way to the mechanic because Jiang had already made an appointment instead of just asking him to do it.

So they’d been talking party on the way.

“I didn’t know you could,” Jiang answered for the millionth time, “But I already made the appointment and I don’t want to pay a cancelation fee.”

“Dude, you’re fucking rich.”

Jiang rolled his eyes, turning onto the road that’d take them to Boyd’s. “Still don’t want to pay. Plus, you wanted to see what Parrish looks like anyways, didn’t you?”

“Who the fuck is that?” Joseph snorted as he lit up a cigarette, watching the empty stretch of dirt. He fucking hated Henrietta so much. Just the place itself based on what it was like, not even the people.

Although he hated the people plenty.

With a sigh and a turn into Boyd’s lot, Jiang replied “Adam Parrish?” Joseph gave him a blank look with a long drag. “Rustic comfort face? Charity dude?”

It sounded mildly familiar but his brain wasn’t latching on. “Yeah…I don’t know-”

“Friends with Lynch and Gansey?”

Ah. That guy. “Oh. Right.” Joseph glanced at the huge garage in front of them. “He works here?”

“Part time, yeah,” Jiang said as he got out of his car, Joseph following a second later. “Good with cars.”

Joseph wouldn’t tell anyone that that intrigued him. Handsome _and_ liked cars? Shit, he was almost tempted to joke that Adam sounded like his kind of guy. “I should…have a look then.”

A knowing smirk lit up Jiang’s face but, thankfully, he kept his mouth closed as he and Joseph walked into the garage, coming to a stop at the counter. A man was sitting and reading some papers before he glanced up at them. “Yeah?”

“Xia Jiang, called about changing the oil and my brake pads?”

God, that was so easy, Joseph could’ve done it from his driveway. He was still working on the Miata but he’d fixed up all the practical things and was starting in on the engine. It was becoming a thing of beauty and once it came time for aesthetics, it was going to look fucking amazing. “I can’t believe you didn’t ask me to do it.”

“Alright, alright,” Jiang muttered while the guy pulled up the appointment on his computer, “I didn’t fucking know or else I would’ve asked. Get over it.”

“Dude, I’m fucking building a car in my driveway and you don’t think I can change oil and brake pads?”

“What kind of car?” the guy asked as he printed off the paperwork.

“Miata. ’95.”

The man looked impressed as he handed Jiang the papers and a pen. “Not bad for a rich kid. Who knew you people had capabilities beyond spending money?”

“Not you, that’s for sure,” Joseph snorted as he glanced around. He’d never actually been in a mechanic’s garage; Ivo had always done his own work and never allowed anyone to touch or help except Venc and Joseph. His eye caught on a bright blue Maserati. “Fuck my life…” he whispered in awe, barely holding himself from dashing over to the beautiful GranTurismo. “Jesus, you’re gorgeous.”

Okay, so, obviously Joseph had seen quite a lot more than his fair share of beautifully gorgeous cars being who his fanatic father was, but he hadn’t seen any of the newer models in years. There was no rich car nerd buying something new every six months so Joseph was limited to occasionally admiring what the other Aglionby boys were driving.

It wasn’t his car but Joseph couldn’t help but run his hands along the bright blue body. It was the convertible sport model and Joseph was in love. “What are you doing here sitting in a dirty shop? Poor thing.”

“Damn, that’s a Turismo, isn’t it?” Jiang asked, coming up behind him. “Nice as fuck. Imagine driving that thing? Fuck, who owns it? We gotta steal it.” They were both silent admiring the car until suddenly Jiang elbowed him in the ribs. Joseph was about ready to slap him for it but Jiang spoke before he had the chance. “Your two o’clock. Parrish.”

Turning as subtly as he could to face his two o’clock, Joseph roved his gaze until it caught on a dude going through a tool box. From this angle, there wasn’t much to see besides his build, height, and sandy hair. Or…dirty hair. Not like, dirty in the ‘ew’ way but dirt colored in the same way someone said ‘sandy.’ Even though he couldn’t really see anything of this Parrish guy, he was pretty nice to look at from here.

Not that Joseph was thinking that, he was just thinking of what Jiang was probably thinking.

“Nice, right?” Joseph gave Jiang a glare to which he received a smirk in response. “Not that you swing that way or anything, you homophobe, you. Must suck to want a guy but be too afraid to go for it, huh?”

Losing his temper in the middle of the shop would be a bad idea. Probably. Most likely. “Watch it.”

“Although…” Jiang continued, not caring at all that Joseph wanted him to shut his mouth, “I guess technically you _did_ have a guy. Hmm.” Giving Joseph a curious glance, he asked “You ever tasted dick?”

“You ever tasted the severe amount of pain that comes with all of your teeth being shattered?” Joseph countered with a furious snap, fists clenched tight at his sides. “Don’t fucking push it.”

Scratching his chin, Jiang nodded. “That means no. Must suck that you’ve never gotten to suck, huh? You’re missing out, man, because it’s amazing as fuck. I love sucking as much as I love getting sucked.” His smirk grew wider as he took in Joseph’s strained form like it just amused him to be pissing him off. “And sex with a guy?” he whistled low and impressed, “Kavinsky, you are missing out big time. You and your boy ever go past first-”

“Shut. Up,” Joseph hissed into Jiang’s ear, pinning him against the Maserati by the throat and a knee to the groin. “If you plan on living past your car’s oil change, I advise you to watch your mouth.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” the guy from the counter called, dashing over, “Get the hell away from the car, you idiots! You tryin’ to mess it up?”

Joseph released Jiang and stepped back, catching eyes with Adam from behind the car. His first impression was ‘wow…’ then his second was ‘he looks annoyed and pissed’ and then ‘fuck, I’ve seen this guy before.’

He was the guy he’d bumped into in Declan’s building.

Well, so much for impressive first impressions.

_Idiot, you’re not trying to impress anyone._

“You’re so fucking sensitive,” Jiang muttered as he dragged Joseph away so the guy wouldn’t throw them out for being too close to the Maserati. It also meant he was dragging him away from Adam but that was probably for the best. “Chill, man, it was all just a joke.”

Shoving Jiang’s hand off of him, Joseph snapped “We both know it wasn’t. Fucking watch yourself.”

Jiang shook his head, almost disappointed looking but that couldn’t be right. “True shame, swear to God.” Joseph was about to ask what was but Jiang kept going. “Let’s just finish straightening out the party stuff while we wait. Forget everything else. I got someone I want to impress.”


	99. Chapter 98

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hellooo Henry(s)  
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _"Have you been imagining things, Joseph?”_

“Henry Cheng,” the boy with the highest hair Kavinsky had ever seen introduced himself as, holding out his hand. “Pleasure is mine to meet one of the men of the town, let me just say.” He dragged a boy a little behind him forward. “My buddy Cheng2.”

Kavinsky took each one’s hand and shook. “Kavinsky.” They didn’t look like brothers at all so… “Cheng2?”

“Henry Broadway,” the boy clarified like that made complete sense. Why the fuck would he be Cheng2 if Cheng wasn’t even in his name? “Cheng2 is plenty cool though.”

A snort erupted from him from their stupidity before he took a hit of his blunt. “Whatever. Freaking fuckers,” he paused as a thought caught up to him, “One of the men?” As far as Kavinsky knew, if someone talked Henrietta, two things came up.

Him and Aglionby.

So who the fuck was encroaching on his territory?

“Yes sir,” the first Cheng nodded in full surety, his hair not even moving an inch. How much fucking gel was on that flame on his head? The fuck. “Have you met Mr. Dick Gansey? Golden boy of our small little town, that guy. Great guy.”

Gansey, huh? Maybe Kavinsky should have been paying more attention to Mr. Golden Boy all this time. “Golden boy…” he mused, slightly amused that his nickname for him was going around. Obviously everyone saw the stuck up old money rich white boy the same way Kavinsky did.

Except fucking Lynch.

He’d have to get to the bottom of that relationship.

“Yup,” Henry nodded, popping the ‘p,’ “Really great guy. Gives the town a much better name.”

Swan, who was leaned on Jiang’s Supra with Kavinsky, flicked an unamused glance at Cheng. “You implyin’ something, kimchi?”

Henry looked unfazed, shrugging off the insult like it was nothing at all. “Gansey is a wonder, that’s all.”

Kavinsky examined Cheng through narrowed eyes in the gross fluorescents of the fairgrounds. The loud banging of the music and the drugs flowing through his system were throwing off his brain but he felt like he was missing something here. Or that there was just something there, in the underlying of Cheng’s words, that he should grasp onto before it disappeared.

But for the life of him, he couldn’t catch a tight hold. The cocktail of drugs he’d put into his system for the past two hours were dampening any and all decent cognitive functions. There was a reason he was sticking so damn close to Swan who’d only had a drink and a blunt.

“A wonder?” Swan snorted with an eyeroll, “How about just typical rich white boy? Fuck him. The dude has zero personality outside of his dumbass fake ass smile.” Nudging Kavinsky in the shoulder with his own, he added “You know the fuck actually _enjoys_ talking with the teachers? Lame as fuck.”

Taking a slow drag, Kavinsky decided from now on, he was definitely going to be paying way more attention to Gansey boy. Plus, it’d probably help in figuring out Ronan too. “Entirely,” he murmured, the words barely carrying out over the music, “entirely.”

“I find him the opposite,” Henry replied easily, sticking his hands in the pockets of his ugly slacks. Who came to a party in slacks? There was this little glint of something in his eye as he took in Kavinsky but between the gloom and the drugs ruining his senses, he had no idea what it meant. But it was a party, how was he supposed to know that he shouldn’t have gotten high? “Gansey…is quite the intriguing one.”

What the fuck. He was obviously missing something here and he sure as hell didn’t appreciate the fact that he might be missing something super important. “Look, you bitches want something? If not, fuck off. You’re fucking crowding my space.”

“I’d like a bag of something. Anything particularly imaginative. Your pick.”

Anything particularly imaginative? What the fuck? Okay, that was it. It was fucking official.

Kavinsky hated this piece of shit.

Putting on his best and biggest smile because he was a charming host if nothing else, he handed Swan the blunt and wrapped his arms on each Cheng’s shoulders. “Walk with me, bitches. I’ll give you something imaginative. In fact, I’m sure you guys are going to have sooo much fun.” Cheng2 seemed uncomfortable under Kavinsky’s arm but he said nothing. Cheng, on the other hand, smiled for him like this was exactly what he wanted.

Like he wanted to _see._

The question was…what did he think he was going to see? Joseph was going to hate himself tomorrow for doing the extra lines, the drinks, and not to mention the few pills he popped. And that was even if he remembered any shit tomorrow; he was lucky he was even standing on his own two feet right now not to remember that Cheng was a fishy dude.

Cheng was a fishy dude, Cheng was a fishy dude, Cheng was a fishy dude.

Remember, remember, remember.

“It’s simple,” Kavinsky said in all false smiling cheer, high obviously but hey, he could go higher. Stopping only came around when walking became stumbling. “We’re going to play a game. You win? You get whatever your imagination delights, Cheng.”

“I’ll pass,” Cheng2 said quickly, trying to pull out from under Kavinsky’s arm but he was hardly going to allow that to happen. “Really. I just came because Cheng wanted some company. Nobody likes to go to a party alone, y’know?”

“And now we’re going to have a chummy time together!” Kavinsky laughed, deciding they were going to play a fun game of ‘guess this.’ It was a party; they needed to get lost in one hell of a cocktail, these uptight Gansey lovers. “It’s a game called Guess This. I put a cup in front of you, you swallow the contents.”

“That…doesn’t sound like a game,” Cheng2 murmured in worry. “That just sounds like you’re forcing stuff down our throats.”

“Down your throat, silly. It’s me and you. And no one ever said the game was for your amusement, Broadbitch. It’s for me.”

Cheng2 pushed Kavinsky and slipped out from under his arm but Kavinsky, letting go of first Cheng to free his other arm, caught him before he had the chance to run. “Where do you think you’re going? It’s game time.” Cheng2 shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but Kavinsky flicked out his knife, making sure that it caught the light and glinted nice and bright. “Let’s play, Broadway.”

  

* * *

 

“Shouldn’t you be with Mr. Nice?” Finlay yawned at Jiang who’d come up beside him, a red cup in his hand. “I mean, damn, man, you made us fucking throw this party. Go get some.”

Jiang rolled his eyes, a barely visible movement in the dark, shoving Finlay out of the way of the driver’s door. “I am with Mr. Nice who’s fucking banging gorgeous and, thankfully, not drunk. And I’m going to get some, thank you, I just came for a condom. They’re in-”

“The glove compartment, yeah, we all know,” Finlay snorted, grabbing the cup from Jiang’s hand and taking a sip, only to grimace a second later. “The fuck you drinking? This shit tastes like dirty ass.”

“Have you tasted dirty ass?” Jiang asked curiously, almost entirely serious if it wasn’t for the slight hint of humor. “Kinky.”

“I haven’t and I’m pretty sure that you get sick if you do,” Finlay replied, dumping the contents of Jiang’s cup onto the floor. No one should drink that. “I hope you gave Mr. Nice a way better drink than this.”

“Stole the bottle of nice ass vodka from Proko’s car and gave it to him,” Jiang answered smugly, obviously feeling like a winner. “The entire bottle.”

Smart smart boy. “Niiicceeee. You’re definitely getting some then.”

Jiang flashed the little packet between his fingers. “That’s the plan.” He glanced around for a second as he pocketed the condom and asked “Where’s K? I saw Proko playing beer pong like an idiot – he’s losing by the way – and Skov chatting with Carter. Legit, they’re arguing over which Harry Potter movie is the best.”

“While drunk?”

“Mhmm,” Jiang hummed before breaking into a laugh. “We all know how drunk nerds get. So where’s our self-appointed ring leader?”

Honestly, Finlay had no clue. He had taken the two Chengs and hadn’t come back yet. Should he worry? It’d been a while and he had easily been able to tell that Kavinsky hadn’t liked them. When the guy didn’t like people, he got particularly cruel. “Disappeared on me. Selling to a couple Korean boys. Stupid boys, just saying. They pissed him off and they think his fake smile means he likes them.”

“Oh…he’s gonna eat them alive.”

“Should we worry?”

His buddy raised his thin scarred brows at him. “What do you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Exactly. But do we care enough for two stupid idiots who pissed him off?”

Tricky question. They didn’t know that they’d pissed him off. And it was more the dude with the tall hair than the other one. Why’d they both have to get the Kavinsky wrath? “I don’t know, man…he had that creepy smile on his face like they were so gonna eat shit.”

“Like literal shit.”

“Anything’s possible,” Finlay replied because when K was high, anything really was possible. The dude wasn’t in his head when he’d had three times his amount of coke mixed with alcohol and party pills. He became a whole new entity; an entirely new Kavinsky taken to the next level. God only knew how the fuck he hadn’t overdosed yet. His tolerance was insane. “He’s high as fuck.”

Nodding in thought, Jiang was silent for a moment before his phone must’ve buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket. “Sorry, babe is looking for me. Good luck dealing with K.”

Great.

Sighing and tossing Jiang’s empty cup in a random direction – someone cursed – Finlay made sure the Supra was locked before he began his search. This place was huge and had a billion nooks and crannies; Kavinsky could be anywhere. Damn those fucking Korean bitches. This was their fault.

Fifteen minutes of searching and calling and texting yielded him nothing which only made Finlay more worried on the other boys’ behalves. If this much time had passed without Kavinsky coming back to him, it meant he was extremely occupied.

Meaning the Chengs were probably in trouble right now.

That was proven right by the half sentence filled with worry he just barely caught as he walked in a random direction that was luckily the right one.

Rushing in the direction that he thought he heard the shout come from, Finlay burst into a small little clearing just barely lit by the faraway floodlights. Only Cheng One’s head flicked to him, panic written all over it. Kavinsky didn’t even bother turning around but he looked busy looming over Cheng2 who was prone on the floor. “Make him stop! I’ve tried and tried but he won’t!”

Oh boy…what the fuck could Kavinsky even be doing to warrant such a terrified response? And there generally was no stopping K unless he wanted to or there was a physical attempt to stop him. By the looks of Cheng in his sleek slacks and button up, he wasn’t the physical kind of guy. “Stop what?” Cheng looked at him like he was insane, gesturing harshly at Kavinsky and Cheng2. “K, what’re you doing, man?”

Kavinsky turned around slowly and just from how slow his movements were, Finlay knew that the guy had to be extremely high. Like higher than when he’d left Finlay’s side. Blinking at Finlay blankly, a huge terrifying grin grew on his face. It was like looking at the fucking Cheshire Cat except way scarier. “We’re playing a game. He’s very bad at it.”

Cheng2 groaned and it wasn’t until he heard that groan did Finlay notice the bloody knife in Kavinsky’s hand, resting on Cheng2’s bare stomach. Bare…bloody stomach. Okay, he could handle this. He’d talked this guy down from fucking suicide, he sure as hell could talk him from continuing to hurt someone.

It’d probably be easier if he wasn’t high but…

Taking just one slow step over, Finlay said “Oh yeah?” Another step. “What’s the game?”

“Guess This but he keeps guessing wrong so he has to take the penalty. He takes a lot of penalties.”

Step. “Sounds like he sucks, huh?” What the fuck was guess this? They sure as hell had never played whatever that was. Taking another step with only a few more to go, Finlay’s eyes flicked to the various bags and cups littered on the floor. Fuck, was he drugging him up? There was another groan from Cheng2 and Finlay just wanted him to shut up before K remembered him. “Bet you played well. You’re really great at games, K.”

Kavinsky laughed and if Finlay couldn’t tell from all the screaming factors that he was completely higher than Mount Olympus, that laugh would be a dead giveaway. Honestly, the laugh was creepy as fuck. “I’m theee bombbbb. It’s rare that Emilio would beat me at anything, that fucker. He sucked.” Laughing even harder to where he covered his face with his hands – at least it moved the knife away from Henry – he added “But that’s what fags do!”

Ohhhhkay. Whatever cocktail Kavinsky had downed, Finlay was never letting him near it again. He wasn’t even sure what the hell he was talking about and honestly, did he want to? Wait, wasn’t Emilio…

Now wasn’t the time to do analysis. Cheng2 was more important than his curiosity.

Closing in on the last of the space between them, he carefully crouched beside his weird sometimes buddy and grasped the hand that held knife. “I don’t think I’ve checked this one out, can I see?”

He had but high Kavinsky would hardly remember that.

From the way Kavinsky was squinting at him, Finlay knew that his brain was trying to look past the fog it’d built around itself but it didn’t seem to be working, thank God. “Here you go.”

Taking the knife and making a show of examining it, he nodded like he was looking at the coolest thing ever. “I like it. Nice, real nice.”

“And sharp. Do you want to see how nicely it cuts?”

Uh, fuck no. “Nah, I believe you, don’t worry about it.” Closing the knife, he slipped it into his pocket, Kavinsky’s eyes tracking the movement with disinterest. Too high to give a fuck, thank the fucking Lord. “Lemme see how bad Cheng2 lost, yeah?”

Kavinsky nodded excitedly, dragging Finlay closer. “Such a fucking loser!”

He felt guilty he hadn’t come looking sooner.

Cheng2’s chest was a mess of cuts, nothing deep, thankfully, but a mess no less. Kavinsky must have made him guess a hell of a lot of drugs for him to get this many penalties. At least the poor guy wouldn’t be feeling any pain from all the shit he had to be on. “Hey, Henry.”

Henry didn’t respond.

Henry didn’t even look like he was fucking breathing.

The original Cheng was over his friend in a fit of panic, shaking and prodding and poking for his buddy to get up. When nothing worked, he turned to Finlay, eyes full of fear. “Do something!”

What the hell was he supposed to do? Kavinsky leaned over Cheng2 curiously, probably not even understanding that he’d made this mess. He slapped Cheng2’s cheek a few times but received no response. Not even a twitch. “Huh…” Officially bored, K planted his butt on the dirt floor and took out a cigarette. “Oh well. What’s one more.”

Finlay wasn’t going to even try and comprehend whatever that referred too. “Call an ambulance,” he told Cheng quickly, “Quick, I think it’s an overdose.” He hadn’t lost enough blood for it to be anything other than that anyways.

Cheng pulled out his phone, his scared fingers fumbling over all the buttons until finally he had the phone pressed to his ear, passing over the details. Kavinsky just sat there, the perfect picture of calm and poised and relaxed, enjoying his smoke and humming. “Yo, Cheng?” Henry was holding his phone tight as he kept careful watch over his friend, flicking a hateful glance at K. “You ever heard the name Laumonier? Can’t seem to find someone who has.”

To this day, Finlay had no clue why Kavinsky kept asking about whatever that was. There wasn’t a single person who knew what that was and yet Kavinsky was so dead set on it. Thing was…Cheng was completely silent, staring with wide eyes at Kavinsky. “Cheng?” K prompted when he received no answer, still not even looking the other boy’s way. If he bothered too, he’d know that Cheng sure seemed like he knew something.

“No,” the boy whispered quickly, “no one does. That’s ridiculous.”

Now that sure as hell didn’t sound like he knew nothing. But Kavinsky was too high to pay attention to that. Whatever break he was looking for in his searching, he’d just lost it because he wasn’t paying attention. Finlay wondered if he’d ever tell Kavinsky that Cheng most likely did in fact know something about the name he’d been asking about for days now.

“My life’s ridiculous,” Kavinsky stated oh so matter-of-factly, “but here I am.”

The creepy part with this whole exchange was the way _Cheng_ was now examining Kavinsky like _he_ knew something. Finlay was definitely missing something that both of these two knew but they didn’t know that the other knew.

Turning his head fast, Finlay blinked into the gloom, feeling the burn of someone watching without permission searing holes into his skin. There was no one that he could see but…

He sure as fuck felt something.

Felt _someone_. And between the four people sitting in this clearing, two were far more interesting than two others. Finlay had never been happier in his life that he was a boring foster kid because the heat of the gaze had felt more dangerous than anything he’d ever encountered.


	100. Chapter 99

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you count the prologue, happy 100th chapter! Yay us
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“Two minutes early for you, Mr. Kavinsky. That merely means that you’re on time.”_

The minute he stepped foot on campus, whispers surrounded him. He couldn’t exactly catch wind of what the words being said were because every time Joseph got close enough to listen, the speakers immediately shut up. But they didn’t just shut up.

They watched him with fear.

Now, this wasn’t something new, so Joseph wasn’t exactly shocked, but he was a little thrown off because as far as he knew, he hadn’t exactly done anything fear-worthy. Walking into the bathroom to do a quick line before he had to get his ass to homeroom, Joseph came face to face with Matthew Lynch. The sweet looking boy granted him a nice smile that surprisingly was neither condescending nor sarcastic before heading out the door.

If that was the best Ronan Lynch could manage, then Jesus did he need a lesson in creating some goddamn personality.

“Just the man I was looking for,” came Jiang’s voice echoing into the bathroom. Joseph only spared him a quick glance while setting up a somewhat messy line on his right arm. There was no way in hell that he’d ever ever _ever_ lay out a line of coke to sniff into his nose, into his _body_ , off any surface in a fucking public bathroom. He’d snort it off _Jiang_ before he’d lay a line anywhere in here. “Just the man.”

“Oh?” Joseph said with complete disinterest, carefully pulling out his straw from his pocket as to not shake the line, snorting up the powder without sparing Jiang a glance. Once he was satisfied and sure the high was running through his body, he asked “Man for what?”

Jiang already had his phone out and was shoving it in Joseph’s face. “Tell me that me and my bae aren’t hot as fuck, man. C’mon, be honest. Just this once.”

Finding his thoughts lost in his head which freshly entered high hell, Joseph squinted at the picture of Jiang and the supposed bae. “This that Isha dude?”

“Yup. Seriously though, what do you think? He’s cute, right?” Joseph sent him a glare around the phone. “Look, fine, you’re not gay, whatever, but just tell me what you think. If you can appreciate your ex boy and Adam Parrish, then you can appreciate my love.”

“I never appreciated Parrish,” Joseph muttered because he knew that he hadn’t said his opinions on how he thought Adam to be handsome out loud. “Ass.”

Jiang just rolled his eyes.

Yanking the phone out of the jerk’s hand, Joseph took in the couple smiling together for a selfie. Couplfie? Jiang was smiling so easily that it was weird just looking at him. The guy next to him was about Jiang’s height, had a little more weight on him, and had the same tone of skin as Emilio except darker. His eyes were as dark as Jiang’s but sparkled way more like life had been nicer to him. He wasn’t Joseph’s type – if he had one – but, admittedly, he was cute. But… “What the fuck is up with his hair? Is he trying to be Bieber?”

“C’mon, man, can you not be an ass just for a second?”

If it wasn’t for that little pleading noise Jiang had allowed to enter his voice, Joseph wouldn’t have bothered taking this seriously. But the guy seemed to seriously want a proper opinion and Jiang _never_ pleaded. “Okay, okay, but note that I do not like his hairstyle. Tell him to fix it.”

“Whatever, keep going.”

Mulling over the photo, Joseph shrugged. “If…if I had a type of guy,” Jiang once again rolled his eyes, specifically on the _if_ , “then I’d say…he’s not my type.” He got a glare in response so Joseph explained “He’s cute, if it wasn’t faggish and all-”

“Uhuh,” Jing snorted, “faggish, he says.”

“Look, I’m trying to give you what you want here.”

“Then give me your honest to God gay opinion.”

His honest to God gay opinion… Sometimes Jiang pushed a little too hard and one of these days, Joseph just might end up blowing on him for it. “My honest to God fag opinion is that he’s cute. Not my type of guy, but cute. I like his eyes because they’re practically dazzling and his smile looks really sweet. _He_ looks like he’s a sweet type of guy. There. Happy?”

From the looks of it, Jiang was extremely happy. Triumphant too. “See how nice it is when you get to say what you like about who you dig?” Joseph said nothing as Jiang took his phone back, sparing a moment to smile at himself and his new boy before pocketing it. “So what _is_ your type of guy? Show me a pic of your old bae.”

Ha ha ha. Pushing it. So fucking pushing it. “Jiang, I don’t particularly want to start my day by having to kill you. I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.”

“You don’t drink coffee.”

“Still. Principle of the thing.”

“Give me something at least. I have no gay friends, man, I need someone to talk guys with. Swan will listen but he doesn’t get it and neither does Prokopenko. And you can’t talk anything with Skov without him blushing to death. Something. Anything.”

Huffing and crossing his arms while shaking his head a little in his annoyance, Joseph grinded his jaw before grinding out “He’s Puerto Rican.” He ignored the fact that he said ‘he’s’ instead of ‘he was.’

“Niceeee,” Jiang said after a whistle. “Spice of sofrito for the white boy, huh?” Joseph couldn’t help it, he burst out into laughter, good damn laughter that he hadn’t laughed in a long while. Jiang looked beyond pleased with himself. “Let’s be real; you wanted some ethnicity in your life.”

“Jackass,” Joseph laughed, “Bulgarian is an ethnicity.”

“Yeah but you fucking white, man. Whiiiite. Alright, tell me more about your Puerto Rican. Bet he’s a sweetheart to be able to put up with you.” Biting down on his lip in both nervousness and embarrassment, Joseph just shrugged as he avoided Jiang’s burning gaze. “Aw…shit, K, you blushing?”

“Shut up.”

Jiang literally, _literally_ , squealed in excitement. “Shit, you’re blushing! Man, he must’ve doted on your ass so much! C’mon, c’mon, admit it, he was sweet as fuck until you piss him off and then he gets totally Latino on you.”

“That sounded so racist.”

“You know exactly what I mean.” Jiang bounced on the balls of his feet. “So?”

Knowing that he’d never get to leave this bathroom without giving the squealing dangerous Asian before him something, Joseph replied while still not meeting Jiang’s eyes “He’s the sweetest.”

“Nah, man, you’re just repeating what I said. Gimme something good.”

Feeling heat filling his cheeks like it hadn’t in years, Joseph mumbled “He’s perfect.”

A loud whistle and a following laugh came from Jiang and he nudged Joseph in the shoulder with his fist. “Bet he is, bet he is. He cute? Or sexy? He can be both; my Isha totally is.”

He obviously hadn’t seen Emilio in years but how much could he change? He was probably taller and even more hotter than before. “I…haven’t seen him in a while-”

“No shit.”

“Buuut…” he paused and scratched his head in embarrassment, “I always thought he was so pretty. The…way he’d smile or his eyes would sparkle or when he’d laugh…or just…how he saw me the way no else did.” Gnawing a hole in his lip, he whispered “He always just saw me.”

“I bet he’s the prettiest motherfucker in the world,” Jiang said as he nodded full of surety. “Not prettier than Isha but I’m sure to you he is.”

Joseph gave a small laugh, nodding and losing himself in his head. “The prettiest.”

“But he took no shit, yeah? Too much sweetness is kinda annoying, ain’t it?”

“Emilio does not take shit. He can fucking yell like hell,” Joseph snorted in amusement before he froze, realizing that he said his name aloud. “Fuck.”

“Hey, man,” Jiang said softly, just barely resting a hand on Joseph’s arm, “I’ll die with that name, no worries, alright?”

So far, no one knew that he was gay – minus Proko if the forgery even remembered that conversation – which meant that Jiang was good at keeping secrets safe. Because of this, instead of opting for his normal sort of threatening, Joseph just nodded. “You know why everyone keeps looking at me hella weird?”

Jiang looked a little lost and mildly disappointed at the sudden change of subject but once his mind caught up, his blinked at Joseph with wide eyes. “Because…they all heard about the party.”

“What was wrong with the party?” Had something happened? He didn’t recall anything odd. Or scary or even remotely dangerous. They hadn’t even set up rounds of car chicken because Jiang didn’t want to freak Isha out.

“You’re…serious…”

“Yeah.”

“Wow,” Jiang said under his breath, shaking his head as he swore. “Swan said you were out of it like fucking hell but I didn’t believe that you were _that_ out of it. Fucking hell, K, how much drugs did you take? We’re putting watch on you next time.”

As far as he could remember…which admittedly wasn’t much, Joseph hadn’t taken more than his normal party amount. And he’d done it all with Swan beside him. In fact, Swan had been with him the entire party and had even gotten offended on Joseph’s behalf when Cheng boy-

Fuck.

“I…did something, didn’t I.”

He had to have because Jiang was looking at him like he was the biggest fucking idiot in the world. Glancing around the restroom as though anyone had even walked in, Jiang lowered his voice and said “Dude, you practically stripped Henry Broadway’s chest to pieces.”

_“Uh oh, Broadbitch!” Kavinsky laughed as the bitch sitting in front of him guessed the wrong answer, “Wrong! It’s penalty time!”_

_Cheng2 paled in panic while Cheng’s eyes went wide like ‘what the fuck did I get us into.’_

_Well, trouble, duh._

_“Penalty?” Cheng2 whispered in panic, Kavinsky barely even able to hear over the rumble of music._

_Kavinsky flicked out his knife, a very pleased smile on his face as fear struck through both Chengs’. “Penalty, princess.”_

“Oh boy.”

“Yeah, fucking oh boy. The dude is patched up and fine now, all the wounds were shallow, but he almost died of an OD. You’re lucky Swan found you when he did.”

“It was…a game.” That even sounded fucked to him. A game? He sent a guy to the hospital over a game? Damn. Kavinsky was getting nastier by the day. “Sort of. Rigged, I imagine.”

“Imagine because you don’t remember?”

“Something like that.”

Shaking his head in what could’ve either been disappointment or disgust, Jiang sighed “Look, anyone says anything, just deny shit, alright? No one is gonna sell you out so just play that you don’t know anything.”

“I kind of don’t.”

Rolling his eyes, Jiang snorted “So it seems because you were too fucking high, you fucking idiot. What if the Chengs had ganged up on you or something? Or anyone? If you were so high that you don’t remember anything, imagine how shitty your senses probably were.”

Probably extremely shitty. Scratch that, definitely extremely shitty. “Your point?”

“We always say if you’re gonna get wasted, do it with someone, don’t we?” Joseph nodded reluctantly because it was a rule Swan had set down and was especially hard about. “People could’ve taken advantage of you, K. Robbed you, beaten you, hell, who knows, raped you.”

Joseph’s heart ceased living at that ugly word.

“Anything,” Jiang continued, not even noticing how Joseph looked completely ashen and dead, “You know how hard Swan would take that? He’d blame himself because he was supposed to be your buddy at the party. And don’t think I haven’t noticed how hard he’s been watching you since the summer; he’s keeping his eye on you. He worries for you. A lot. Are you even listening?”

He was, he really was, or at least he really was trying but he was still stuck on the nasty word that he hated more than anything. “You…y-you really think someone…would’ve r-raped me?”

The deep examining gaze he was on the receiving end of was something Joseph did not at all appreciate. “Uh, I mean, I doubt it but you never know, right? You gotta be careful, K, that’s all I’m saying. Don’t worry about it. Anyways, just deny, alright?” He nudged Joseph again when noticed that he wasn’t paying attention. “Kavinsky.”

“Deny, yeah, got it.”

 

 

“Excuse me,” called a man, “excuse me!”

Joseph turned from his car and glanced around the parking lot of the shopping center where Drake’s tattoo shop was. He’d come to do another session on the newest addition to his body. Drake said it was disturbingly morbid but Joseph had told him that if you were going to put something permanently on your body, it had to be truth. It was complex as hell, hurt like hell, but, if done right, would look awesome.

“Yeah?” Joseph said warily as he slipped his hand into his pocket to hold onto his knife, just in case. No lie, Jiang had freaked the fuck out of him about people taking advantage of him. To say the least, Joseph was a tad jumpy.

Especially when some big muscled dude was walking over to him.

“You Kavinsky?”

Even though the man was asking the question, Joseph felt like he already had his answer. It wouldn’t be surprising if he knew, but that didn’t mean it sat comfortably with him. “Who’s asking?”

Coming to a stop a good two feet away – out of arms reach like he knew Joseph was clutching his knife – the scary ass man who smelled like twelve packs of cigarettes replied “Me.”

“No shit, sherlock,” Joseph snapped, yanking his door open so that if worse came to worse, he had his gun under his seat and could reach it.

A different gun. The other one was tainted and way too hard to look at. Joseph had dissolved that shit into nothing to never be seen again.

The man smirked so smugly, that Joseph was tempted to forgo all caution and punch the bastard. “No need to be so jumpy. Unless…there is. Paranoia leads people to imagine things. Have you been _imagining_ things, Joseph?”

If Joseph wasn’t cautiously scared before, he was fucking terrified now in the night of magical Henrietta. “Only the paranoid survive.”

Just to note that if anyone asked whether or not that happened to be tattooed somewhere on his body, he’d deny it.

“Very true,” the man admitted with a nod, resting his hands comfortably behind his back. “Especially for those of us who have quite the imagination, right?”

“It’s late and my mom worries, I gotta go,” Joseph all but snapped, this man’s face of _knowing_ completely throwing him off. “Piss off,” he added, dropping into his seat and shutting the door, maybe a little more firmly than necessary.

Whoever this mysterious man was simply stood as Joseph backed out of his parking spot, that smirk still on his face. Joseph gave a quick glance in the rearview before turning out of the lot.

To the man’s smirk still very visible.


	101. Chapter 100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'm going to start putting up random wip excerpts from the rest of the story at my Tumblr up top if anyone likes to see paragraphs here and there. I put one a couple days ago. The Joseph tag is lacking and I'm like 'might as well throw some stuff in.' Maybe I'll start putting other stuff too. It needs some filling
> 
> Anyways....enjoy!
> 
> _“You didn’t even think about it. For that matter, you’re the bitch so you have to ask before making decisions.”_

Joseph swore that everywhere he went, he felt the burning gaze of someone staring at him. And after having that run in with that guy in the parking lot a few days ago, he totally believed it.

He was convinced that he was being followed. It was a good thought too because while, yes, Joseph was extremely paranoid, he wasn’t fucking stupid. Whoever that guy was very possibly knew a deep dark secret that Joseph had only shared to three people so how this man knew…God only knew.

It worried him.

No, no, it _scared_ him.

“Fuck!” he yelped when a hand came down on his shoulder, freaking the fuck out of him. Skov stared at him with wide eyes, confused as hell. “Shit,” he snapped, shoving off Skov’s hand, “you scared the shit out of me.”

“I…can see that.”

Slowing down his furiously panicking heartbeat that was too fast for even for a hummingbird who had the fastest heartbeat of all, Joseph inhaled and exhaled until he was sure he was calm. “Sorry,” he muttered, focusing back on opening up his locker, “Just…a bit paranoid of late.”

“Uhuh. Well, Mr. Paranoid-”

“Kavinsky?” said a boy, walking up nervously, an envelope in his hand. He had these doe eyes that made him look like he was either terrified or on the verge of tears. And hell, who knew, maybe he was. “Um, hi.”

He gave the tiny boy who was probably a freshie a quick examining once over before saying “Hi.”

The boy apparently expected him to say more than that, waiting patiently. Kavinsky sure as hell didn’t give in to people’s whims so he waited the boy out who was in turn waiting Joseph out. Eventually, the one who got annoyed was Skov. “He’s waiting for you to say something, buddy.”

“Oh!” the boy said, his huge green eyes going even bigger. “I’m so sorry!”

Unnecessary but okay.

“I have something for you,” he continued quickly, holding out the envelope with not one but _two_ hands. “I was asked to give this to you.”

“Oooh maybe you have a lover,” Skov whispered in his ‘omg a scandal!’ voice. “Open, open, open,” he said excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet as Joseph took the envelope from the freshman, “let’s see.”

Opening the flap which wasn’t sealed, Joseph pulled out a small piece of notepad paper. If it really was someone declaring their love or whatever, they didn’t put much effort in paper picking. Paper meant _everything_. He handed the envelope to Skov as he unfolded the paper and read it quietly to himself.

_Still curious about Laumonier? Midnight, Lucy’s._

  * _we met a few days ago_



 

“The fuck?” he muttered as chills spread through his body. Sure, the big guy had made a lot of implicating statements but…how’d he know about Laumonier? And if he knew about Laumonier and he thought Joseph knew stuff about dreaming…Laumonier was somehow connected to Niall…

So many threads and yet not one was connecting yet.

Maybe this was a way to connect them.

_“Trust me on this. Don’t get in on this. You don’t want to.”_

Or maybe it was stupid and he should listen to Declan.

Hmmm.

“Well?”

“Not a love letter, sorry, pups,” Joseph snorted as he folded the sheet and stuck it in his pocket. Focusing on doe boy still watching him, he asked “Who gave this to you?”

The boy looked terrified at even being questioned like he’d done something completely wrong. “I-I was just o-outside-”

“Look, man, you ain’t in the shits, I just want to know who gave it to you.”

Utter terrified relief flashed through the younger boy’s face. “Oh! Okay! Um, so this guy.”

Joseph waited for more but nothing seemed to be coming so he prompted “Keep going.”

“Oh!” He giggled then, brushing his bangs out his eyes. “Sorry. Uh, so like, big and muscled with these brown eyes and dark brown hair-”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Joseph said, cutting him off. He knew exactly who the creep was. Well, he knew of the creep. He obviously didn’t know who he actually was. “Thanks. Piss off.” The supposed freshman nodded dutifully before disappearing into the crowded hall. “Hey, Skov? What are you most afraid of?”

The blonde beside him looked surprised at the question but shrugged and replied “My mom.”

“Yeah,” Joseph mused with a nod, “Anyone would be terrified of that woman.”

“What about you?”

Joseph laughed because if he told him the dark and everything hiding in it, he’d think him a sad little coward. He patted a confused Skov on the back before walking off, only sparing a second to spin around and say “Only God knows,” before flipping off his buddy and going on his way. He was going to surprise his science teacher by being _early_. Was that a good student or what?

Bam.

“Good afternoon, Mr.Tognazzini,” Joseph crooned to his teacher as he practically swung into the classroom, a sign of pure joy and energy.

Completely at odds to what he actually was but that was beside the point.

“Afternoon, Mr. Kavinsky,” his science teacher replied politely though he probably didn’t want to be so polite. Joseph had more than once played a few nasty pranks on the man. Not that he had any proof of such a thing. Joseph was no amateur. Funny thing was that it just made his teacher determined to like Joseph. Weird as hell. “Two minutes early,” he continued from where he sat at his desk, writing something, “I must commend your punctuality.”

“Why thank you,” Joseph laughed as he dropped into his seat. They were supposed to be assigned groups for a project today and if Joseph was lucky, he’d get Jiang. Fingers crossed because Joseph sure as hell was never lucky. “Since I’m early-”

“Two minutes early for you, Mr. Kavinsky. That merely means that you’re on time.”

“Okay _but_ ,” he stressed, pulling out his science notebook that didn’t have a single page without a doodle, “that’s still early. Can I pick my partner? Sort of like a ‘good job?’”

Mr. Tognazzini, picked his head up, a piece of his salt and pepper hair falling onto his forehead, probably not having received enough gel in the morning. His teacher pushed the hair into its proper place before sighing and shaking his head, returning to his work.

“Aw, c’mon, I aced my last test.”

“You did but that’s what I expect of my students.”

“I put in the effort,” he added because he’d actually bothered studying for that one. Mostly because he wanted to prove to Jiang that he was smarter but that wasn’t the point. “I could’ve just half-assed it like my other tests but I thought of you. I was being considerate.”

That earned him an amused laugh if nothing else. Hey for positives. “You should be thinking of your future, not me.”

Pft, future his ass. Joseph didn’t dream of the future anymore. “Future’s overrated, Tog-man. Can I pick my partner?”

“I imagine that if I said yes, you’d pick Xia.”

“Well, duh.”

“You should be more social, Joseph. It’d be good for you.” He lifted his head and gave a greeting nod to the students who were walking in. “Broaden your horizons a bit.”

This was the only teacher who relatively liked Joseph and in turn, Joseph relatively tolerated. “I’m the most social person in Henrietta.” Well, next to golden boy apparently.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“Maybe, I’ll give you that. So…partner?”

“I don’t play favorites,” Mr. Tognazzini replied easily, once more greeting the students who were just making it in on time with a nod. He gave a smile to one in particular and said “Mr. Lynch, welcome back. It’s very good to see you back.”

Oh.

Joseph examined who had to be Ronan Lynch with a critical eye, finally seeing him up close and personal. Not exactly personal being that he was across the room but good enough. It was funny how Joseph had technically known him, he just hadn’t known who he was. He looked like the picture and even looked a bit like Declan, what with Irishness written all over him. Declan was more…distinguished? Poised? Something.

Ronan was all sharp edges.

“Thanks,” Ronan snorted, completely brushing off their science teacher without a care as he went to his seat. Was this guy really a dreamer? He had to be based on what Joseph had seen and found but it was weird knowing that. Odder still to admit that.

The kid across the room from him was a dreamer.

What the fucking hell.

He seemed to have an air of…attitude around him which Joseph definitely could not judge being that he was attitude king. It was like there were ‘beware of dog’ signs hanging all over Lynch and if that didn’t make Joseph even more intrigued than nothing would.

Lynch screamed danger. He screamed fuck the hell off. And as someone who had been branding himself as both those things, Joseph was very very interested.

Now he just had to get Lynch’s attention.

 

 

“This was a bad idea,” he muttered to himself as he sat in a booth at Lucy’s Diner at fucking midnight. Damn him and his damn fucking curiosity. He was sitting here, waiting to meet a creepy ass man at midnight in a fucking diner because he was curious.

How fucking stupid could he get?

Tapping his fingers on the table and taking a sip of his milkshake because it’d be rude to sit and not buy, Joseph glanced out the windows into the dark parking lot. To him, Henrietta was dangerous as fuck just based on the simple fact of there not being enough damn lights. The parking lot for the diner had _one_. How fucking idiotic was that?

A lot. A fucking lot.

The only thing that was keeping Joseph relatively calm was the fact that he wasn’t alone. If creepy man wanted to do something to him, he’d have to drag Joseph out of here where there was an older couple and the waitress and the head cook who was also the owner. They weren’t the toughest looking bunch but they were people and that was what mattered.

Plus, if worse came to worse, Joseph had his gun. He didn’t know if he could bring himself to shoot a person point blank but he figured if his life was on the line, then he could do it. He’d done it with Ivo out of panicked fear and he could do it here if he had to.

He didn’t _want_ to but he could if he had to. Or at least, so he thought.

With thoughts wandering to how in the hell he was going to deal with Carl because that was who he’d gotten stuck with for the science project, Joseph wasn’t even aware of his surroundings as he sipped his milkshake until a voice spoke.

“This seat taken?”

Joseph looked up at the burly man who had a permanent smirk on his face. Now that Joseph could see him in the light…he definitely should have never come. This guy looked like a fucking enforcer or something. Was Laumonier a gang? What the almighty fuck, man. “Obviously not.”

Sliding into the booth opposite Joseph, the man grinned like he was just oh so happy that Joseph had shown. “Knew you’d come, Jersey. Too much curiosity in that brain of yours.”

He raised a questioning brow as he took a sip from his chocolate milkshake. They weren’t as good as Munchee’s but they were better than Good Burgers. “Someone sounds like an assuming asshole.”

The man leaned in over the table, his eyes glittering in excitement. “But is it an assumption when I know that I’m right?”

Rolling the straw of his milkshake between his fingers, Joseph snorted “Look, I came for one reason. If you don’t know anything-”

“Oh, I know. I know a lot, Joseph Kavinsky. I know that you’re a very smart kid drowning himself in drugs. I know your mom’s an addict and your dad’s a mobster. One of the biggest in the Tri-State area, in fact. I know your address, your phone number, your age, your birthday, your grades, and even your recent obsession with an ebook you just bought-”

“I get your point,” Joseph hissed in fury, not even because he felt so wholly invaded in every single damn way, but because he’d bought the ebook for a damn reason even though he hated digital books. But how was he supposed to just have that book lying around or in his hand where anyone could see it? It was for his own goddamn private reading. Him and his faggish shame. Not for this fucking asshole to just come around-

“Look, kid, I don’t give a crap about any of that,” the man continued, looking smug as hell that he’d managed to throw Joseph completely off kilter. “My point is that I know shit.”

“Why.”

“Why do I know?” Joseph nodded. “Because when someone starts asking questions about a certain someone, then it’s my job to find out who and why.”

“Laumonier,” Joseph supplied, trying to refocus his thoughts because this was where he needed his head to be right now. “Laumonier is a person then.”

“What do you sell?”

Joseph stared at the man in confusion. “You mean my drugs? Drugs and forgeries, that’s it. Why, this Laumonier dude need something to get him going?”

The man only looked mildly amused. “That’s it? The hell are you even worth if you can only get your hands on drugs? Niall, now that was a salesman. Travelled the entire world to get his hands on the most imaginary of things. Anyone can do drugs.”

Being that Joseph was hardly a salesman anyways… “I never told you that I was selling. I didn’t offer. And I don’t know who this Niall is.”

With a roll of his very emotionless eyes, the enforcer looking man snorted “Oh, you know who Niall is. I saw you sniffing around. Then I start sniffing around you and it seems you have a knack for the _unfound_ as much as Niall did. Niall’s dead now because he was a greedy greedy bastard. Arrogant.”

“Did you kill him?”

Laughter, and not the nice kind, broke out of the man’s chest. “No, I wouldn’t waste my time. And unlike whoever did, my employer isn’t stupid to take out a good supplier.”

So Joseph’s suspicion that Niall had been selling dream things was mostly right. And this Laumonier man must have been a buyer and he must also be this guy’s employer. “So are you like the bouncer or something?”

“Do you have anything besides kiddie drugs?”

Joseph had to admit, he was a little offended right now. His drugs were a thousand, no, a _million_ times better and cooler than dumbass kiddie drugs. Hell, they were even cooler than hardcore ones. “Being that I’ve never sold kiddie drugs, obviously I do.”

The man’s answer was a simple nod with such a scrutinizing gaze that Joseph felt uncomfortable being under it and had never been more thankful in having a table between them and being in a public place. “Got any on you? I’d like to take a look.”

“I still haven’t offered.”

Returning from the ugly depths of his soul was the smirk, except far more amused and, quite frankly, far more dangerous.

It made Joseph nervous if that wasn’t a given.

“You offered the minute you started asking things you shouldn’t. You’re in the big leagues now, Jersey, and once you’re in, you’re never going to be out.” He stretched his arm out along the top of the booth he was seated in. “You’d think a mob boy would know something like that.”

Just like when he acted bigger than he was, far more confident that he was, Joseph slipped on his skin. “You’d think some big old dumbass like you would be smarter than to make assumptions. If I want to ask questions, then I get to ask questions. Now, who the fuck is Laumonier?”

“Been doing this a long time, kid. This ain’t the way it works.”

Kavinsky had only ever dealt with and dealed to teenagers, never adults. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was supposed to go about this. He didn’t want to deal to this man at all and yet he couldn’t find the right way to refuse.

And plus, he still wanted to know who Laumonier was.

“Then what is the way?”

The smirk grew into something fouler that even made Kavinsky wary with fear. “My way.”


	102. Chapter 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> How y'all doing? Chat a storm
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Just the way of the world. Someone’s always stronger.”_

Almost three years ago, Joseph had made the greatest most unfixable mistake of his sorry life.

About a month ago?

He did it again.

Okay, so it wasn’t as huge as killing his father and it was far more fixable than that but…it’d been a mistake. He should have never given in to his curiosity, he should have never searched up Niall, and he should have never have gone to help Skov with his stupid ass homework.

Because if he had never seen Ronan dying in his dream, then none of the lead up events would have happened.

Fucking Ronan.

Joseph sold drugs, _everyone_ knew that. That was hardly the problem. What he didn’t like was selling to the asshole enforcer guy who was technically buying for Laumonier. Joseph didn’t even get a say; he was just a fucking drug mule. Every week, he had to have an entire _tub_ filled with drugs ready to go. Honestly, what pissed Joseph off the most was that he’d yet to meet Laumonier. That bitch was the whole fucking reason for all this and Joseph didn’t even know what the person looked like.

Rude.

But settling and seething on all this was pointless. He was in now and he had no one to blame but himself. He was the reason his head always hurt from exertion, the reason he was so extremely short tempered, and he was the reason he was now standing here on the edge of Henrietta, waiting for enforcer man to show up.

All him.

Watching as the typical Escalade parked in front of him where they were on the side of the road, Joseph got out, making sure his gun was secure in the back of his pants, and waited beside his car. In most of the movies he’d watched, or even tv shows, that had even just one gangster in it, he noticed that the idiots would put the gun in the front of their pants. It was something of a threatening gesture, he knew that, when they just lifted the edge of their shirt and bam, there it was.

Naturally, Joseph had gone and asked the mobster his thoughts on such a thing.

_“Only idiots do that,” his father snorted, wiping dirt on his pants to clean his hand. “As shallow and as stupid as this may sound, my dick and balls are very important to me. Gimme the red one.”_

_“No, I think it was purple first,” Joseph murmured in thought as he tried to decide on which flower to hand over. They’d been playing baseball and Joseph slid for ‘base’ and possibly killed his mother’s flowers. The plan was to fix them before she came home. Deciding on purple, he handed it over “And what does your genitalia have to do with anything?”_

_Accepting the flower and placing it nicely into the little hole he’d dug, his father said “I don’t like that word. It sounds so weird. You think she’ll notice if we make a mistake?”_

_“Hopefully not,” Joseph laughed as he took in their work. They’d literally gone to three different stores to make sure that they bought the correct flowers. The two of them weren’t gardeners by any means but their work looked pretty good._

_“Anyways,” his father continued on with the question as he softly patted the dirt around the flower, “I’ve literally seen men shoot themselves right through the groin, brat. You just do not put something so dangerous so close to something so precious. No, no, no.” His father shivered, “God that must hurt so bad.”_

So Joseph was always smart and put it in the back.

“Kavinsky,” the burly man greeted with a nod, “Nice night.”

“Nicer if I didn’t have to see your ugly ass mug.”

“Probably true,” the man shrugged, not at all bothered by the words. “Got my candy?”

“Nah, man, they didn’t have anymore Snickers on the shelf in Walmart. Sorry.” He was given an amused smirk which was a lot more than Joseph expected. What were the chances that this man knew how to smile? Weird as fuck. “So when you gonna tell me your name?”

This time, he was given a snort that was like ‘how fucking stupid are you???’ which was incredibly offensive being that Joseph definitely wasn’t stupid, thank you. On a good day at least depending on the situation. “C’mon, kid, don’t be an idiot.”

Stuffing his hands in his pockets and ignoring the urge to run his finger along the edge of his switchblade because he knew that burly man would catch it, Joseph said “Then give me something. I legit call you ‘burly man’ and it’s kinda weird, to be honest.” Joseph kind of thought that he’d win a laugh or at least an amused snort with that one but he got nothing. Not even a blink. The man must not be amused. “How’d you get a job as a drug peddler?”

“How’d you get so good at getting your hands on crazy ass things?”

In the beginning, Joseph had been terrified that they knew what he was and how he worked. Luckily and incredibly shockingly because Joseph was not the lucky sort, they just figured he was like Niall. And to them, Niall was a man who travelled the world finding the ‘unfound’ and the ‘imaginary.’ Niall was supposedly a braggart and an ass but he at least knew to never sell their secret.

Thank fucking God.

“Who knows, man,” Joseph answered, wanting to just get this over with. He was always reluctant when he had to turn his back to this man so he’d taken to putting the tub in the back seat so he could just take a few steps back and grab it. “Y’know, I’m gonna start charging you bitches for the price of the tub. Or just fucking return it to me. What do you even do with them?”

The man shrugged as he watched Joseph pull the drug filled tub out of the car. “I don’t ask. I just do as my employer likes.”

“So yous a bitch.”

“A well paid one,” the man laughed and, damn, was that weird to listen to, “who doesn’t spend time on his back or hands and knees. Sounds like a win to me.” His brow raised when Joseph set the tub down at his own feet instead of putting it between them like they always did. “Problem, Jersey? Don’t start making problems, kid, it’s not going to go well for you.”

Joseph _almost_ changed his mind about changing the terms just from the burly man’s words. Just almost. But he was literally going to die of exhaustion and severe migraines if they kept this up. His body, probably nobody’s body, could handle this level of constant production. Meaningless production too. “Just a quick little chat, burly man, chill. Once a month.”

“No.”

“You didn’t even think about it. For that matter, you’re the bitch so you have to ask before making decisions.”

“Watch yourself.”

He knew he was sounding a hell of a lot more confident than he was actually feeling. “Once a month.”

The man shook his head. “Still a no.”

“At least ask. For all the good we’ve had, burly.”

Joseph didn’t know eyebrows could go that high. It was like the itsy bitsy spider going up the water spout except in the sickly light of headlights. “We’ve had good?”

Crossing his arms and feigning a posture of nonchalance, Joseph replied with a shrug “We haven’t had bad. So I guess I should say for all the decency?”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re slightly amusing?”

“No but I’m sure they’ve thought it. C’mon, ask Laumonier. For whatever good…” Joseph watched as a door opened from the Escalade, a shadow walking out, “there may be in your black buff heart.” He wasn’t alone? What the fuck?

“Is there a problem?” asked the shadowy figure who became a lot less shadowy once he reached the side of the burly man.

If there wasn’t a problem before, there was one now because Joseph recognized that man. It was one of the freaky kinky triplets. The ones who’d been at Declan’s door knocking all those months ago and the ones who he could’ve sworn he heard talking about Lynch in the market.

Well then.

Everything always came back full circle in bitch ass Henrietta. He hated this stupid fucking place.

Laumonier was none other than one of the triplets. Hell, maybe it was a last name so technically they were all Laumonier. It didn’t matter though. He’d finally earned himself the truth behind the name. And now that he was faced with these men in the middle of the night with the other two very possibly in the car, Joseph had never wished more than ever that he’d listened to Declan.

He should have stayed the fuck away.

“Once a month,” Joseph said, diving right in. He couldn’t lose his nerve now. “I’m changing rates.”

Laumonier one, two, or three because who knew which one this was laughed. Literally threw his head back and _laughed_.

This fucking fucker.

“Laugh all you like,” Joseph snorted, fully pissed now because no one made fun of him. “But I’m your supplier. Maybe I just won’t sell you anything at all instead. How do you like that?”

If their faces were anything to go by, they were entirely and wholly pissed. Very very very pissed. Burly man stepped forward, just a few steps, but it was enough to make Joseph’s heart jump. “We have a nice thing going, don’t mess it up.”

“Weekly is bullshit. Once a month or nothing.” Joseph was actually fine with every other week but he thought he’d try his hand at something better first. Rule in bartering? Start higher than your goal so your customer thought they were getting a steal. “What’s it gonna be?”

Burly man took another step forward, an intimidation technique that was so working, coming to a halt about a foot from Joseph, the tub of drugs the only thing making sure there was space between them. “Unlike a lot of guys, I have no problems beating the shit out of kids.”

_Joseph smiled at his father who met the smile with a skeptical brow, knowing that the smile meant something. Bouncing onto his parents’ bed beside the man, Joseph said “Mr. Kavinsky.”_

_“Mr. Kavinsky,” his father replied with a greeting nod. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”_

_Pulling the phone from his father’s hand and setting it down and out of the way, Joseph crossed his legs and put on a serious face. “Worse kind of criminal is what? And answer super fast before mayko gets out of the shower or else she won’t let you answer.”_

_His father’s lips quirked. “What makes you think she can tell me no?”_

_“Behind every great man is a very scary powerful woman who has his balls between dangerous fingers with freshly sharpened nails.”_

_“Ain’t that the damn truth,” his father laughed, drawing up a knee and resting his arm on it. “But I don’t think that’s the way the saying is supposed to go.”_

_Joseph shrugged, picking a piece of Peanut hair off his pants. “Maybe not but we both know it’s far more accurate.” The saying should be adjusted for men too because both Joseph and Emilio knew that Joseph would listen to what his boyfriend said in a heartbeat. Well, most of the time. “So?”_

_“Easy,” his father said with a shrug as they both watched Peanut practically jog into the room before bounding onto the bed and curling up beside Joseph. “Pedos.”_

_He was pretty sure his father didn’t mean farts in Spanish. “And that is…”_

_“Pedophiles. Then rapists, then kid killers. Some people will say killers before rapists but there are very few things worse to me than sexual violence. So what book did you read this time that I need to ground you for?”_

_“Funny,” Joseph snorted. He was so not selling himself out this time, thank you._

_“One of these days, I will seriously revoke your library privileges,” his father murmured, focused on scratching at a cut on his hand. “Anyways, those three don’t do well in prisons. Although, it’s rare when they actually catch a rapist anyways. Justice system sucks.”_

_“Lucky for you.”_

_Satisfied with the damage he did to his hand by reopening the cut because that was what boredom did to a person, his father rolled his eyes very very dramatically. “Haha, look how hard I’m laughing. Plus, I’ve never been arrested so I haven’t faced that justice system. Now, you didn’t hear this from my mouth but when any of my men get sentenced, I promise them an even more comfortable prison life if they kill a pedo. If they can’t get their hands on one, then anyone who has killed or harmed a child. They’ll spend their time in luxury after that. There’s no respect for people who harm kids. You even hear a whisper that someone harmed a child and they’re fucked.”_

It seemed Ivo had way higher standards than the terrifying man in front of Joseph. Where was a killer when he needed one? Was there anyone looking to live a comfortable life in prison? Because Joseph needed them right this second.

“Bet you wouldn’t last in prison,” Joseph replied, no way in hell showing how absolutely petrified he was. It was an important rule of fights among many. Stand your fucking ground or become one with it. Joseph really didn’t want to become one with the floor. “Heard they don’t particularly like guys like that. Heard they don’t las-” His words were cut off by the fact that there was now a hand around his thin ass neck.

And now he was far more than petrified. Was there even a word for that?

Scratching at the hand that was holding his neck, Joseph decided that maybe now was a great time to-

_SLAM_

The burly man was over him, pressing him into the hood of his Evo, “Don’t. Be. Stupid.”

Now it wasn’t just choking that he was scared of.

“Get off him,” came a tired sigh and thank fucking God the burly man listened because Joseph was on the verge of panicking as he dropped to the floor, coughing on his own breath along with his panic.

Jesus Christ, he hated how pathetic he was.

“You’re not supposed to kill him,” the voice continued, and now Joseph could tell that it was Laumonier, “We won’t make Colin’s mistake. Just make him see how ridiculous he is.”

Who the fuck was Colin and what was his mistake? And what did how ridiculo-

A kick found his face.

Then it found his stomach. More than once.

_“Because I’m going to beat the faggot out of you.”_

_“I refuse. No son of mine is a cocksucker.”_

The gun. He had to grab the gun.

 

* * *

 

“It’s quite late for such knocking,” John mumbled sleepily, his head popping up from his bed at the sound of the quiet knocks at their door. He always looked a thousand years younger when his hair was all over the place. And when he was out of his stupid polos and button ups. “Who do you think?”

Probably Jiang the asshole needing to get away from Charles call me Chuck, Finlay wanted to reply, kind of angrily, because he’d been having a great dream. “Don’t worry about it, I got it. Go back to sleep.” The words, it seemed, were pointless because John was already knocked out again. The kid studied too hard. Both religion wise and school wise.

Walking to the door and yanking it open with all his anger and ready to totally lay into Jiang, Finlay froze.

This sure wasn’t Jiang.

“I…” Kavinsky began, looking like he’d taken one hell of a beating. As bad as that was, that wasn’t even what caught Finlay’s focus.

It was the tears.

“I just…I…”

Gently pulling the mess into the room, he led the both of them into the small bathroom and shut the door, sitting Kavinsky down on the closed toilet. Crouching in front of him, Finlay whispered “John’s gonna think the devil got you so let’s keep our voices down, okay?” That earned him the tiniest little twitch of the corner of K’s mouth. “Now, I’m gonna clean you up. You ain’t gotta say nothing, just lemme work, okay?”

At first, Kavinsky looked hesitant but finally he nodded. He opened his mouth to say something – Finlay didn’t miss the grimace of pain – but must’ve changed his mind because he closed it not a second later. Finlay opened the little cabinet under the sink and pulled out his well stocked first aid kit. Sitting his butt down fully on the floor, he opened it up and decided to start with cleaning K’s face which looked like it took one hell of a hit.

Kavinsky’s eyes tracked his every movement and it almost looked like he was warring with his flight response. Finlay knew from experience that nothing was more unnerving than silence during tense times. “So you ain’t gonna believe this but Skov kissed a girl today,” Finlay began as he used a wet towel to carefully wipe the blood crusting around Kavinsky’s nose, knowing that the mundane was the best topic, “I was so shocked. Like, yeah, he’s kissed a couple girls before but those were bible kisses, y’know?”

He knew Kavinsky wouldn’t answer so he just kept up his monologue, wiping the dirt and grit from scratches and scabs on his face. It sort of looked like when someone skinned their knee on the cement except…K apparently skinned his face? “But this? This was full on French. Who knew Skov knew how to French? God, our baby virgin is growing up.”

“Kinda wish I was still a virgin.”

Finlay only gave a quick surprised glance because he didn’t want Kavinsky to feel any sort of pressure to speak. “Oh yeah? My first time was with my second girlfriend. I loved her, turns out she didn’t love me.”

“Mine was with some girl who if I passed on the street, I wouldn’t even know she was the one.”

Okay then. Not wanting to meet the pure utter defeat and deadness in his buddy’s eyes, Finlay grabbed an antibacterial wipe and gently wiped the various scratches and scabs. Kavinsky’s nose was broken and Finlay actually did know how to set one but he was hoping he could K to at least go to the hospital for his nose, if nothing else. “Drunk?”

A short disgusting dry laugh came from the broken boy before him. “No. Then I definitely wouldn’t have been able to get it up.”

There was quite the implication from those words and what he thought he knew about Kavinsky. Quite the implication for sure. So Finlay took the natural next step. “Jiang and his boy are cute as fuck together, don’t you think?” He wasn’t sure but…he sure as hell thought that he just saw a flash of bitter jealousy in Kavinsky’s eyes. “I don’t want to bandage those, they need air. Lemme see anything else you got.”

“There’s nothing else.”

Finlay looked up from his first aid kit in surprise. Kavinsky looked like he’d taken the beating of a lifetime so how could there be nothing else? “You sure?”

That broken gaze returned and his lip literally quivered. “I just couldn’t go home. I don’t want her to see me like this. Covered in my stupid decisions.”

He definitely wasn’t going to be the asshole who reminded K that his mom probably wouldn’t even notice. “You come to me whenever, man. My door’s always open for you, anytime and any day.” Softly taking Kavinsky’s hand in his, he added “I am always here for you, alright?”

“That’s a bad idea. People who like me just end up ruined.”

Did he mean his mom? Or maybe Prokopenko? They didn’t say it but they all felt like something was off about the Slav since that day back in the summer. They just attributed it to drugs because what else could it be? And what about his dad? Kavinsky had talked about shooting so who knew? And while they didn’t know much about what went down between K and Liam, Skov’s half-brother, they knew something had fucked them up.

“Well, it’s a good thing that I’m already broken, huh? Foster homes broke me into a million thousand pieces, K.” Clenching the hand he held tighter, he whispered “Broken people always find each other because that’s how you start to rebuild. The only thing that would ever fuck me up is finding you dead, so you don’t ever do that to me, okay?” Kavinsky was looking at him, examining him, so openly that Finlay felt like he could see every scratch, dent, and shatter in his friend. “Joseph, you don’t do that to me, got it?”

“I don’t like to make promises that I can’t keep,” he whispered back, tears welling in his eyes. “I can’t do that. Promises are special.”

Fuck that, Finlay was pretty sure he just felt his heart break just a little bit. Taking the other hand in his, he said with an easy smile that he prayed was convincing “Promises are very special. I’m not gonna put pressure on you to make a promise, okay? Let’s just try to hold to the words instead.”

Kavinsky stared for a few very long tense seconds before nodding. “I can try that.”

By impulse and by Finlay’s own general desire in these sorts of situations, he wanted to hug Kavinsky. Like really really hug him. But what if K wasn’t in for that type of stuff? And maybe he didn’t like guys to hug him? “Joseph-”

“I like hugs.”

“Perfect,” he murmured as he yanked him into his arms. Bad idea being that he felt Kavinsky wince in pain but oh well. It was hug time. “I like hugs too,” Finlay said into Kavinsky’s shoulder. Funny, he didn’t smell like anything. Anything in terms of substances. No weed, no smoke, or alcohol. He smelled a bit like gasoline and just a bit of sweat but other than that…he was as sober as could be apparently. “This doesn’t leave this room but I like you.”

“That’s gay.”

He wasn’t going to bother to explain how he believed sexuality to be fluid. One day, he was straight, another he was nothing, and another he was gay. To him, that was how it worked. But from what he’d determined about the boy in his arms, that wasn’t an answer for him. “Yeah, but that’s okay.”


	103. Chapter 102

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _“Well, race? Unless Proko here is right and you’re just a cunt polluting our planet.”_

“What the fuck happened to your nose?” Jiang asked in surprise upon Joseph taking his seat in science class. “Yo, man, I’m the only one allowed to break your nose. What the fuck? You been cheating on me?”

Any other day and Joseph might have been up to joking around. But his body still hurt like hell being that he was beaten in the early hours of the morning and his feelings were still very raw because of Swan. He hadn’t known where to turn except to the boy who made Joseph his focus. Going home hadn’t been an option and maybe if Proko had actually been Proko, Joseph would have gone to him.

But he wasn’t so he hadn’t.

“Funny,” he muttered as he dropped into his chair, not even taking the time to take off his backpack. Honestly, he was sure he was just going to fall asleep right now anyways. Hopefully Tog-man wouldn’t notice. And if they had to get into groups, Carl would be talking so much that he probably wouldn’t even notice if Joseph dozed off.

“Seriously though, who fucked up your face so I can fuck them up?”

Sweet, really sweet. His gaze caught on Lynch walking in, his attitude taking up the little space that Joseph’s had left. Their gazes caught for but a second, brown meeting blue, and Joseph wondered if Lynch could possibly know that they were the same.

“Fuck, dude, was it Lynch? I can fight but the dude can box so…I might lose.”

“Lynch can box?” he asked in quiet surprise as he watched Lynch drop into his seat.

“All the Lynchs from what I heard,” Jiang replied with a shrug, munching on the tip of his pencil. There was a reason Joseph never borrowed from Jiang. “I’m jelly; I wanna box.”

So the Lynchs could fight? Interesting.

“I raced him a few times too. We’re currently tied for wins.”

Joseph’s head froze from almost resting on his arms on the desk. Well hello opening, where had it been this entire time? Picking his head back up and looking at Jiang with wide calculating eyes, he asked “Race? Drag?”

His fellow raven boy nodded, “Street but same shit almost. He’s good but the car he drives is eh. Old times, man.”

Flicking a quick glance back to Lynch who was now lost in eating his bracelets like a fucking idiot, Joseph asked “What are we talking.”

“M3 E30. BMW. 90’s maybe?”

He turned back to his not-buddy and gave him an eyeroll. “Old times, yeah, but that’s a fucking nice ass car, you idiot.” Not faster than his Evo but that was beside the point. “When’s he usually out?”

“You’re…obsessed…” Jiang said slowly. He looked over at Lynch, trying to be as secretive as possible, before looking back at Joseph. “He’s pretty…white to be your type.”

“I’ll make your nose match mine,” Joseph hissed quietly, too tired to be properly pissed but awake enough to be annoyed. “And he’s not even my type if I had a type, thank you.”

“Yeah? What’s your type?”

“Jiang.”

“C’mon. One thing. Tall, short, thin, thick, ass, no ass, c’moooon…”

Rubbing his temples and wishing he’d taken a damn Ibuprofen before dragging his ass to school, Joseph took a deep steadying breath and whispered “Jiang.” The other boy’s lips quirked because he knew he was the only one who got away with pushing these specific buttons. “I don’t have enough shit in my system to deal with you right now. I also have very little patience. Patience of which I need in dealing with Carl. Leave me the fuck alone. Please.”

Carl was his partner and…well, Carl was what happened when Skov’s innocence was mixed with Jiang’s brain and Joseph’s insistent need to show how smart he was. In short, he was annoying as fuck but too sweet and baby looking to yell at.

And trust him, Joseph was dying to yell at him. Just once.

“Yo, man, I can’t believe Tog didn’t put us together. You know what kind of banging project we could’ve done together?” As if he felt them talking about him, their teacher walked in and greeted the class only to halt in surprise. “Mr. Kavinsky, outside with me for a second.”

None of his other teachers had given a fuck about his ruined face filled with bruises and scrapes. Not to mention the busted nose; it’d blackened his eyes to ugly shades of purple. Joseph knew he looked really bad but it didn’t mean he wanted questions. Or people caring. Why had he even bothered in dragging his ass to school? So stupid.

And then there was this stupid teacher. God, this guy cared to much. Joseph slipped off his bag into his seat with a sigh before getting to his feet while Mr. Tognazzini set his things on his own desk and led the way out. He closed the door softly as they stepped out into the now quiet hall and gave Joseph a concerned once over. “What happened?”

Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his chinos, Joseph looked everywhere but those concerned eyes and shrugged like he didn’t care one bit about what happened to him. In reality, he cared a whole fucking lot but he’d still gotten what he wanted so he had to count it as a win. Twice a month and he was feeling like a winner. “Who knows.”

His teacher tried to catch his eye but Joseph didn’t want to be caught in those deep deep browns that genuinely looked like they were concerned for him. “You at least went to the hospital, though?”

Sure, if Swan counted as a hospital. The dude even set his nose for him even though he was literally on the verge of begging Joseph to just go to the damn hospital or at least ‘that nurse lady.’ “Something like that.”

From the corner of his eyes, he saw his science teacher nod in thought. “Is everything okay at home?”

No, no it wasn’t. But not the way this guy was thinking. “Are you implying something.”

“I’m asking something.”

Grinding his jaw back and forth and still not meeting those eyes, Joseph replied “My mom doesn’t hit me. And the guy who used to is states away.”

Another nod, much more calculating than the last. “You don’t have bruises on your knuckles.”

That got Joseph curious enough to make a fist and glance at it. Well, no, he didn’t because he hadn’t punched anyone. “Should I?”

“It means you didn’t fight back. Which means it wasn’t a fair fight.”

Joseph watched his hand flex, open, closed, open, closed. There was no such thing as a fair fight with the burly man. He’d beaten Joseph into the street, more muscle than Joseph could ever be. And when Joseph tried to reach for his advantage, he couldn’t find it. His waistband had been empty. Later, when the man left him bloody and bruised on the edge of the dark road on the outskirts of town with the new agreement of every other week, Joseph dragged himself up and to his car, switching on the light of his phone, and was met with a glint of metal under the car.

It must’ve slipped when the man slammed him onto the hood. So much for having the upper hand.

“There’s no such thing as a fair fight, Tog-man,” Joseph sighed, finally facing those eyes now that he thought that he could. Some semblance of control was back in his chest. “Someone’s always going to bring a knife to a fist fight and a gun to knife fight. Just the way of the world. Someone’s always stronger.” Squeezing past him to the door, he paused with his hand on the knob, “I’m almost always the weaker one but I’m never going to let that stop me.”

“Should give you some caution though.”

If he was smart dude then, yeah, it should. But Joseph had been making stupid choices all his life so nothing was changing anytime soon. “Probably should,” he conceded with a nod, “but no one ever said I was smart.”

A hand on his shoulder halted him from opening the door, turning Joseph to face the older man. He was maybe in his forties and most likely incredibly proud of the fact that he still had a nice full head of hair. His face was…Joseph wasn’t sure if comforting was the right word but it felt kind of right to him. It was soft and surprisingly made Joseph feel safe.

Which said a lot because Lord knew Joseph never felt safe around men. Especially middle aged ones.

“I happen to have seen how smart you are even if you try to hide it.” Giving Joseph a slow nod and burning soul searching gaze, he murmured “Once you stop, you’ll be amazed how life will change.”

Life would go back to him being that stupid dorky nerd who had no friends, ate lunch alone, and didn’t even know how to ask the teacher to let him go to the bathroom from his nerves. If there was one, just one, good thing about Kavinsky, about the persona he’d built, it was the fact that he wasn’t socially awkward as fuck. Kavinsky was strong where Joseph was weak.

Joseph was sick of being weak.

Without another word, Joseph went back into class, ignoring the burn of his teacher’s gaze. Maybe the man was used to being the savior and had been successful at it before. Thing was, Joseph wasn’t looking for a savior.

No one could save him from himself until he wanted to.

“Seriously though,” Jiang started as they left class once it was over, just barely touching Joseph’s shoulder, “Who fucked you up? I’ll beat the shit out of them, man. No lie.”

Shrugging off the hand, Joseph rolled his eyes and replied “What makes you think I need you to play my dog?”

“I’d say knight but I guess it’s open for interpretation.”

He gave his buddy an unamused glare with narrowed eyes. “My point is, I don’t need you to cover my ass.”

“You’re not my type.”

“Oh my fucking God!” Joseph snapped, throwing his hands up in utter frustration, in the middle of the crowded hall, most people stopping to either witness what could be a fight – it wasn’t going to be – or at confusion to the outburst. Jiang of course just looked amused. “Can you not? Can you just-” he made a frustrated noise in him not being able to articulate what he wanted to say, “I don’t know but seriously, stop. Just. Stop.”

“Someone’s overly sensitive today.”

 

 

“This is your fault,” Jiang muttered darkly as they sat in the main office, waiting for Headmaster Child to invite them into his personal office. He was holding a towel wrapped ice pack to his puffy face, his cheek bruised and his lip busted. “Learn to control your anger, dammit.”

“I told you to stop,” Joseph reminded, not at all feeling guilty for throwing the punch that got them sent to the principal’s office. Oh, sorry, _headmaster’s_. “You should have heeded my warnings, bitch. I warned and warned and warned.”

“You only said stop once!”

“Then that fucking means stop!” he couldn’t help but yell, getting to his feet angrily and facing down the shorter boy slumped in the chair beside his own. “Stop means stop! Literally, it has no other meaning. Come to an end! Cease to happen! That’s it!”

“Mr. Kavinsky, no shouting,” the evil desk lady said with a glare.

Her words were very easily ignored by the both of them. Jiang was obviously trying to hold in a smile though there was absolutely nothing to smile about, but it slipped out in the form of one of those constipated smiles. “You’re such a fucking nerd. Who actually knows the dictionary definition of stop? It’s a given. Nobody looks for it in a dictionary. _Nerd_.”

 Shaking his head in annoyed disbelief because here he was, rebuilt and new and Kavinsky, and yet he was _still_ being bullied for being smart. In a fucking _prep school_. A school where everyone was a damn nerd. “Fuck you,” he said, not much vigor left in him because he was hurting and tired and not just from his injuries. “Just fuck you.” Grabbing his bag, he said to the desk lady as he walked out “Tell Child I’ll take whatever suspension he wants. I’m out.”

“Yo, K! Man, hol-”

Joseph didn’t waste his time listening to the rest, already more than halfway to the front doors when he heard sneakers squeaking on the ultra clean tile behind him. “K!” Jiang called out as he rushed up to Joseph who was already opening and out the doors. He was done. Seriously. “Hold up a second. I just like messing with you, you know that.”

He didn’t bother responding as he bounced down the steps and went to the parking lot, his keys already in hand and the fob between his fingers, eagerly pushing the unlock button.

Trying to stop him by grabbing an arm or shoulder, Jiang said while just a little breathless “Chill, dude, what the fuck.”

Oh, he was very chill. He wasn’t even yelling. Joseph didn’t even feel his temper boiling in the dark bit of his stomach.

All he was feeling was very done. Good thing for Joseph was that he was a pro at the art of the silent treatment. Once when Anka had broken his favorite model car, he hadn’t bothered speaking to her or had even acted like she existed for two weeks. Only when tetíncho Yulian had gotten sick of all of it and dragged them each on opposite couches and made them talk it out did the problem fix.

Yanking open his car door and not even bothering to drop his bag into the truck like he usually did, Joseph sat in the seat to the sound of Jiang’s constant barrage of attention needing words. It was all white noise to Joseph now and would remain that way for a while probably. As he reached to pull the door closed, Jiang put his body in front of it and snapped “What the fuck is your problem? Okay, I pushed a little too much. Big deal. Move on, man.”

This was him moving on without all the gushiness of chit chat.

“What? You want me to apologize? I’m sorry. There.” Joseph didn’t even look at Jiang, just slouched in his chair with crossed arms as he waited for the ass to give up and move. “What? What? You want something else? Lynch? You want Lynch?”

Joseph didn’t even blink but he was definitely interested even if his face didn’t show it.

“Fridays. Past few times I find him, he’s cruising looking for shit on Fridays, alright?”

Yeah, actually, this was great. Not that Joseph would let Jiang know that. All Joseph had to do was wait until Friday night and then start prowling the streets for his prey. Make first contact. Cause some interaction. If Lynch really did like cars and liked racing, then Joseph had a great opening.

This was perfect.

“Are you even gonna say anything?”

Pft, not a chance. Shoving Jiang away with a strong foot, Joseph slammed his door shut and turned on his car, making his way out of one of many hell holes in Henrietta.

Ronan Lynch, Joseph Kavinsky couldn’t wait to meet you.


	104. Chapter 103

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> o.o
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Welcome to the dark side, Ronan Lynch.”_

“Jiang’s seriously pissed about the silent treatment, man,” Proko continued as he flapped his arm out the open window, waving it in the wind, while looping the same damn topic again and again in the conversation. It didn’t matter what they started talking about, what subject they changed to, Prokopenko would bring it right back to this. “It’s been almost a week.”

Actually, barely five days. It’d happened Monday, it was now Friday.

The day Lynch just might come cruising out.

Joseph had spent the school week observing Lynch from afar and realized that he was rarely, if ever, out of the company of Gansey and Parrish. And there was no opening for Joseph to get him alone either unless he seriously stalked him and caught him alone in the bathroom.

That’d be a little weird. Not to mention creepy.

So if the information Jiang had given him was correct, then Friday night was Joseph’s best shot. Hence why he was driving the dim streets of Henrietta, keeping his eyes out for the BMW. Prokopenko came with him because he was bored and Joseph didn’t mind the company to be honest. Having forged Proko was better than having anyone else for the simple fact that Prokopenko was, well, simple. Joseph didn’t like that but for right now, it was perfectly fine. “What’s your point.”

“Oh I don’t know…talk to him? Or at least talk to me so I can figure out what the fuck is going on? Jiang ain’t explaining and neither are you and it’s getting on everyone’s nerves.”

“He pushed, I pushed back.”

“You mean that figuratively or…”

“Figuratively,” he murmured as he scanned the streets. Maybe he was cruising on the wrong streets? But there were specific ones that everyone knew were perfect for a race. If someone was looking, this was the place… “Oh fuck. Found you.”

“Jiang said you’re obsessed with Lynch all the sudden and…” Prokopenko squinted at the BMW sitting at a green light, “I’m thinking he’s right. That’s him, isn’t it?”

“We’re just looking for a race,” Joseph snorted and even rolled his eyes even though they both knew that the specific reason Joseph had gone out today was fucking Ronan Lynch. “And we happened to have found one, is all.” Pulling up beside the idle car, Joseph lowered his window with a ready smile, waving to get the driver’s attention.

Not a second later, he had it.

Helloooo, Ronan.

Grinning like a madman because this whole situation was just fucking perfect, Joseph waited until Ronan opened his passenger window before calling out “Looking for a little excitement tonight, princess?”

Ronan gave him a bored look, his face completely blank but Joseph knew that a guy wouldn’t just sit here as if the sky was going to fall because he felt like it. He was in need of a little something and Joseph was more than willing to light up his night. “I’m naturally exciting.”

Cute, cute. “As am I, dear, but everyone always needs a little something. Care for a race?”

“Of course he does,” Proko snorted quietly so only Joseph would catch his words, “Or else he wouldn’t be sitting here like a complete idiot and polluting the planet with his old ass car.”

Old it may be – it was actually ’88, not in the 90’s like Jiang thought – but it was still a beauty. Sharklike and dangerous and it was looking just a bit like the man behind the wheel. They said eventually a person started to look like their pet or vice versa but maybe it worked for cars too. “Well, race? Unless Proko here is right and you’re just a cunt polluting our planet.”

“Wow, putting words in my mouth like that,” Proko muttered.

Lynch tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, “Kavinsky, yeah?”

“The one and only,” he answered with a huge sharp grin. “So, princess? I won’t ask again.” _Say yes, say yes, say yes…_

Joseph really _needed_ Ronan to say yes.

Nodding slowly and examining Joseph carefully, Lynch finally, _finally_ , said something after minutes of strangling silence. “Yeah. I hope you like losing.”

There was no stopping his smile from growing ear to ear, the best Cheshire smile if there ever was one. Make contact? Check. Make a good impression? Check.

Kick this fucker’s ass?

About to be a check.

Scratching at his jaw with a bored look, Joseph replied “Well, I hope you like the smell of burnt rubber. On the next light, princess. Keep up, yeah?”

They each rolled up their respective windows, neither of them wanting wind resistance impeding them. “What if you lose?” Prokopenko asked, popping a Skittle in his mouth. “That’d be funny.”

“And how, Sasha,” Joseph began in slight annoyance as he shoved his glasses up into his hair and prepped his hand on the gearshift, “would that be funny?”

“Because you talk big. Then it’d be karma kicking you in the ass, y’know?”

Karma. Yeah, Joseph had more than enough of that in his life. He didn’t need it coming for him during a race too. Everyone talked big. It was normal. “Shut up.”

“You realize that you’re at a disadvantage with me sitting here.”

“Would you prefer I threw your ass out into the cold then?”

Prokopenko pursed his lips before laughing and shaking his head. “Nah, I’d rather you lost. Light’s coming, be ready.”

Oh, he was ready, thank you. He didn’t spare a glance towards Lynch but Joseph knew that like him, his foot was ready on the gas, prepped for the clutch, and hand ready on the shift. It was this split second from waiting for the yellow to turn red and for their light to turn green that Joseph loved the most. The build up, the anticipation, the excitement, before tires screeched across asphalt and the air filled with the smell of gasoline.

The Slav beside him was watching as intently as he was and began a countdown. “Two…and…”

“One,” they said together as Joseph hit the gas at the same moment as Lynch, the screech and the growing roar of engines the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.

Next to Emilio’s laughter but this wasn’t the time for that.

The reason the build up to a race was his favorite part was because the actual race always ended so quickly. One stretch of street or maybe even two and that was that.

Exhilaration over.

“What…thee…fuck,” he and Prokopenko literally said at the same time as they squinted at the vanishing figure of Lynch’s car. Joseph slowed to a reasonable speed to think before coming to a halt in the literal middle of the street. “Did he just…”

“Shit.”

“Shit.”

“He beat you.”

“He totally beat me.”

“What the hell?”

“What the almighty fuck?”

Prokopenko scratched his head, his face an utter mess of confusion. “K, he…he beat you.”

“He beat me.”

“Whoa.”

Joseph nodded in agreement as they both stupidly stared at the empty dark road where Lynch had vanished. “Whoa.”

“I mean, fuck, I don’t weigh that much.”

“I can’t believe he actually…what the hell…”

They sat, lost in thought, in the idle car. How had Lynch beat him? Joseph knew the numbers, knew he had the advantage, even with Prokopenko in the car.

So how?

“We’ll just have to rematch him,” Proko murmured, hunched forward against the dash and still squinting into the night. “Just a bit of luck. You had a long week.”

Joseph hadn’t felt like he’d raced badly but he was more than happy to chalk up his loss to Prokopenko’s reasoning. He’d just had a long week, that was all.

Next time then.

By the time he arrived home after another race with some rando – which he won – and dropping off Prokopenko, Joseph was exhausted, trudging into his house while barely even able to lift his feet off the floor. It was cheesy as fuck but thank God it was Friday, bitch. He’d just completely ignore that essay until Sunday night and he was golden.

What he needed was a nice ass staycation with _all_ the works. Like a movie, shit load of snacks, hot cocoa because it was cold as fuck…

Yeah, sounded good.

Barking greeted him as he hung up his keys and Walnut came galloping down the stairs, running at him. She barely, just barely, managed to halt herself before jumping on him, instead coming to a not so neat stop at his feet. It was something new they were working on, the no jumping, because she was big as hell and he was tired of his head, arms, and back ending up in pain. Her clumsy halt left a lot to be desired but hey, it was way better than him on the floor.

“Hello to you too,” he laughed, giving her head a good rubbing. “Were you good today? Been keeping your eye on your baba, right?”

The look she gave him legit looked like a ‘no shit, sherlock.’

“Well that’s good,” he praised as they walked over to the kitchen together. “Very good. You’re a good girl who takes care of her baba.” Stooping down to open the cabinet under the sink, he took out a bag of treats to her barking delight and gave a couple as a reward. He pet her atop her big head and added “You take good care of her now.”

Leaving Walnut to her own doggy devices, he dragged himself up the horrible stairs and made to go into his room, only to pause for a moment and change course. Peeking his head into his mother’s room found her fast asleep, breathing well and softly, covered with her blanket. Good. Leaving her after leaving her door slightly ajar, Joseph went to go search for his own, hopefully, restful sleep.

 

 

His morning started great. He actually had breakfast, he let Walnut take a quick lap around the block, and then decided that they were going to walk and get ice cream and bring back some for his mother. He figured that because of the weather, it’d make it home just fine.

See, that had been the plan before he walked into 37+ and found the dudes hanging at a table without him. Maybe he wouldn’t have wanted to join them but, come on, a courtesy text wouldn’t have killed them. “Well, hello, ladies,” he called as he and Walnut walked over. Technically, she wasn’t supposed to be in here, but no one was going to try and throw them out. Plus, the place was empty. Most people didn’t want ice cream in the morning unless they were weirdos like them.

“K, hola!” Skov said with a happy wave from where he sat beside Jiang who was frowning. Frowning in general or specifically at Joseph, he wasn’t actually sure. “I’m surprised you’re awake; Sasha here is barely coherent.”

“Nugh,” Proko grumbled, his head resting face-down on his arms. “Nugghhh…”

Guiding himself and Walnut to the table, Joseph stood at the head or…maybe it was the foot of it? The edge. Whatever. He poked Proko in the arm, who grumbled, before focusing on the rest of the seated gang. “I seemed to have missed the invitation.”

A look of worry crossed Skov’s pretty face but Jiang was the one who spoke, probably in a much nastier tone than Skov had been planning on. “And why the fuck would I want to be around some jackass who won’t talk to me?”

Pointedly ignoring him, Joseph looked to Swan enjoying his funky colored ice cream. “Where’s my invite, Finlay?”

Cleaning off his spoon with all the time in the world, Swan eventually turned to Joseph and shrugged. “I didn’t want an uncomfortable sitting.”

Well, it was nice to know that he was the one who’d be dumped out of the group. Goddammit, he was the one who brought these assholes together. “Fair enough,” he replied, making sure that not a single syllable dipped up or down to where they could tell that this bugged him. They wanted to hang alone? Cool. Fine. He didn’t care. Once a loner, always a loner. He didn’t need people. Who the fuck needed people? Not him. Fuck them. “Enjoy your ice cream, gentlemen.”

And with that, he walked out to the calls of Skov behind him and Walnut, no longer having an appetite for much of anything.

  

* * *

 

“I think we hurt his feelings,” Blake whispered. He knew that K couldn’t actually hear him but still. Feelings and Kavinsky typically didn’t go in the same sentence by simple decree and without Kavinsky’s approval. They all knew that he hated feelings. “I told you guys we should’ve texted.”

“Why?” Jiang snorted before taking a huge bite of his sugar cone. “I don’t appreciate being ignored, thank you. I even bothered to fucking apologize and it wasn’t good enough for him. All because I made a joke? Fuck him. Oh wait, no, Joseph sooo _doesn’t_ swing that way.” Jiang let out a snort of disbelief. “Whatever, man.”

Blake blinked in confusion at the other boys at the table, neither of them seeming like Jiang’s words meant anything. “Um…his tolerance for gay jokes is pretty low, yeah. And as far as I know and have seen…he’s not into guys.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

It sounded like his words weren’t believed. But what wasn’t there to believe? They all knew that K not only didn’t have a thing for guys but he was even pretty homophobic. Blake didn’t particularly like that side of Kavinsky and he knew none of the guys did either but they put up with it regardless. “What exactly did you joke about?”

Jiang sighed over his now empty napkin that once held his ice cream cone. “Thing is? I’m not sure what set him off. Like I made a comment about him and his scrawny ass not being my type, he punched me, we went to the office and we were cool.”

“Then what happened?”

“I mocked him for being a nerd.”

Swan blinked blankly at Jiang. “So?”

“Exactly!” Jiang all but shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. The cashier shot them a glance but they paid no mind. “Out of all the things, he gets mad because I called him a nerd? Because I laughed at him for knowing the dictionary definition of stop?”

“Who actually knows that,” Sasha snorted, his eyes shut softly.

“Right? He didn’t even yell at me either; he just said fuck you and walked out on me.”

Blake bit at his thumbnail but then his mother’s ranting voice rang in his head to stop. So he stopped and sat on his hand. “Maybe…you hurt his feelings. You’re kinda like…bullying him.” He’d never felt stupid in his life except right at this moment as he faced the look Jiang was giving him. It wasn’t even just a ‘seriously…’ it was more like ‘my dog’s shit is smarter than you.’ “Well, you are!” Blake snapped because he didn’t like feeling dumb, “You always make fun of him. That’s being a bully.”

“Dude, he insults everyone and their mother forty times a day. He bullied a dude out of fucking Henrietta and you feel bad for him? Feel bad that I called him a nerd?” Jiang snorted in his laughter, this conversation probably going on his list of stupidest ever. “Skov, I guarantee you he spent his life as the biggest dork ever, got here, and decided he wanted to be some wannabe bad boy.”

“Even if that’s true,” Blake said, crossing his arms in defense for Kavinsky because on a good day, he really liked him, “that means he changed himself for a reason. It means he’s been bullied before and now you’re doing it even though he changed himself. Meaning-”

“You’re exhausting me, prodigy.”

Swan set down his immaculate spoon and, while giving Jiang the ‘you’re an idiot look,’ deadpanned “Meaning that no matter who he acts like, he gets bullied and that’s fucked up and it’s especially fucked because we’re supposed to back him up, not be like everyone else. So fucking kiss his ass, make up, and let’s goddamn move on.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sasha mumbled tiredly in his doze. “Jesus. Christ.”


	105. Chapter 104

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy y'all
> 
> _"I’ve dealt with your father in his anger, you think I can’t with you?"_

“Do you wanna dance?” a girl with a voluminous afro asked, her eyes glittering with excitement so bright it was visible even in the gloom of the night. She didn’t exactly touch Kavinsky but her hand was hovering just above his arm, waiting for the approval that she didn’t know she’d never receive. “Kavinsky?”

Flicking his eyes from literally nowhere but the darkness to her, Kavinsky replied, not meanly because she looked too sweet to be mean to, “I don’t dance.”

The girl was undeterred. “Oh okay, well, can I stand with you?”

With a bored sigh because realizing that substance parties were no fun without his gang was a downer, he shrugged a shoulder and took a hit from his newest bong – a lovely red one – and said “Whatever. You’ll be bored out of your mind.”

“I just came for you.”

“Then you’re stupid.”

Afro girl didn’t seem to care as she leaned up on the Evo with him, her bare arm touching his. His body temperature ran so high and hot that a short sleeve was fine for him and anyways, he had a sweater in the car but was she insane or what? Sparing her a curious glance, he asked “Aren’t you cold?”

“Well, the plan had been to have sex with you and we’d get all hot and sweaty and the cold wouldn’t be a problem.” She laughed a nice laugh, almost musical even, “But I don’t think that’s happening anytime soon.”

Returning his focus to the bong in hand and the drugs in his body, Kavinsky snorted “Not a chance. Go put on a fucking sweater before you freeze to death.”

She laughed again, a sound that was growing on him. Maybe he was just deprived of laughs of late. “That almost sounds like concern. I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be. I don’t want to have to call an ambulance when you turn hypothermic.”

“Close enough to concern for me,” she replied with amusement before knocking him in the arm with a fist the way Jiang loved to do. “See you around.”

“Doubt it!” he called at her back, flipping her off when she turned and waved a happy wave. He had no clue who the fuck she was but he kind of liked her. Or at the very least, she was interesting. Setting down his bong on the roof of his car with a cough, he opened his car door and sat himself half in, half out. Standing was boring and tiring and he regretted throwing a fucking party. He thought it’d help deal with rejection by having people around but there was no replacing his assholes.

Unless…it was Ronan Lynch?

No. Fucking. Way.

They’d raced again last night – the day of ice cream rejection, those fucking bastards – and Kavinsky had won. They were at an impasse of wins for the moment which made Kavinsky feel just that tad bit better about losing in the first place.

And now Lynch was standing right the fuck there.

His night just got a thousand times brighter.

“Well, hello, princess!” Kavinsky called, waving his arm to get Lynch’s attention. “Feeling adventurous tonight?” Lynch hesitated for just a split second, just barely long enough for Kavinsky to take notice of it before he must have made his choice, walking over and coming to halt beside the door, resting his arm atop it like he was already making himself comfortable. “Welcome to the dark side, Ronan Lynch.”

Lynch blinked at him in the gloom, his blue eyes perceptive in a different way than Skov’s were.

Fucking Skov. Fucking Jiang. Fucking all of them, goddammit. Fuck him for getting worked up over a cheated invitation to just have some fucking ice cream.

Giving a quick glance around, Lynch cut into Kavinsky’s annoyed musings as he replied “Pretty shitty welcome.”

Cracking a large grin that he wasn’t feeling but was totally playing, Kavinsky said “Well, gee, Lynch, if you were looking for a grand welcome, you should’ve told me! I would’ve gotten the best shits and glitter for you. Maybe even a pony. You like ponies? Of course you do. Who doesn’t like ponies? They’re fucking ponies. Ponies, man, ponies.”

His words were met with an impassive look. “Shits and glitter.”

“And a fucking pony, babe.”

“I thought it was ponies plural.”

Kavinsky’s grin grew larger, stretching as far as the Joker’s now that he was actually feeling a triumphant giddiness, as he laughed “Ponies, sorry. Ponies. _Plural._ I’ll get you fucking ponies. You want ponies?”

Still blank faced as ever, Lynch scratched under those ever present bracelets and said in a bored tone “I want you to stop saying ponies.”

Lighting up a cigarette and taking a nice long drag, Kavinsky squinted up at Lynch, taking in the tall boy before him. The hints of a tattoo were peeking just above the color of his black long sleeve and now Kavinsky was more intrigued than ever. What was it of? Did it have meaning like his did? “So…you don’t want ponies.”

His question wasn’t deigned with a response, Lynch turning focus on the party surrounding them. Kavinsky settled for just watching Lynch watching. He took note of every minute facial expression as the other boy took in the scene he found himself in. “Where’s your dogs.”

“Taking a shit off their leashes,” Kavinsky snorted before he decided he might as well actually snort something instead of just using it in speech. Yanking out a bag from the center console, he set up a line on the dash and vacuumed it up. He took a puff of his cigarette as he waited for his high to set into the depths of his body before turning back to Lynch. “Where’s your owner?”

Raising a brow – the only emotion he’d shown thus far – Lynch bit on his bracelets for a second before asking “That supposed to mean something?”

“You stuck to a dick like a stuck cock ring. Literally.” Blowing smoke up towards Lynch, he added “Dick Gansey, man, what the fuck. Ain’t never seen someone so annoyingly posh.” If he’d been looking for more emotion than a confused eyebrow, Kavinsky found it in insulting Dick. Lynch’s eyes blazed, a hot flame in a sea of cold ice. Kavinsky liked that. Hell, he _wanted_ that.

So he pushed harder.

“Is it fun being his bitch? He must have a magical-”

His words were cut off as Lynch grabbed him by the front of his shirt, dragged him out of the car, and slammed him into the side of it, Kavinsky’s cigarette falling to the ground unfinished. Jiang’s warning of the Lynchs knowing how to box rang in his ears. It didn’t put fear in him, it just made him a little more cautious. Just a little. Getting up in Kavinsky’s face with a snarl that turned his sculpted sharp features ugly, Lynch snarled “Watch yourself.”

“Yeah, he’s not good at that.”

Kavinsky’s eyes flicked over Lynch’s shoulder as Lynch turned his head to meet Swan’s gaze. “Apparently.”

Walking over while being the epitome of casual in his movements with his hands in the pockets of his white joggers, Swan set a hand on Lynch’s shoulder in a gesture of a soft warning. “Only four people on the list of who get to break his face in anger and you ain’t on it. You want a shot at him, take it to the ring.”

Secretly, Kavinsky really wanted Lynch to hit him right now just so he could get in a hit of his own. His fists were itching but dragging himself through rounds in the ring didn’t sound appealing at all. But an impromptu fight? With his fellow dreamer? Yeah, he was so behind that. “Don’t pussy out, Lynch. Finish what you start.”

“K, shut the fuck up, please.”

Grinning wildly at Swan, he laughed “Why? If this bitch thinks-”

_SLAM_

Okay, the bitch totally thought.

Cupping his nose gingerly while making sure he didn’t touch it, Kavinsky felt blood pooling into his hands as he got unsteadily to his feet. Swan just sighed and stood by with his arms crossed, face stuck in an eye roll moment. Kavinsky wiped his hands down the sides of his shirt and pants with a tiny wish that Skov was here to cringe at that before breaking into a painful cackling laugh. Lynch stared at him like he was insane which was probably why he didn’t anticipate the knee that found his groin.

It would’ve been more satisfying if Lynch had gone to his knees but apparently this was one tough fucker as he leaned for only a second, just barely cupping himself, before straightening with a small breath. “That was pathetic, Jersey trash. You hit like a bitch.”

Swan jumped in between them before Kavinsky had the chance to leap at this stupid piece of shit, already anticipating the coming anger. Holding Kavinsky back by his shoulders, he said one simple syllable that everyone knew never worked. “Chill.” Not looking back at Lynch but talking to him, Swan said “Fuck off, yeah?”

It wasn’t that Lynch listened to Swan, it was more that he looked bored of the current situation and just thought ‘fuck it’ with his one shouldered shrug. Kavinsky wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or pleased that Lynch walked off without sparing back a glance. His anger told him that he was happy but his need for that special connection only he knew they had was utterly disappointed.

So his mind ultimately settled for disappointment.

He shrugged off Swan’s hands and wiped his nose with the hem of his shirt. Good thing it was black so he didn’t have to worry about it showing until he got a chance to wash it. Swan didn’t look pleased with the wiping but it was better than Skov’s disgusted whine so Kavinsky didn’t give him a second thought. He was about to stoop down to pick up his still lit cigarette but Swan stepped on it before he had the chance. Giving him a glare, Kavinsky snorted “Wasteful bitch.”

“Don’t be stupid; I’m so not letting you put that in your mouth.”

Sighing, he dropped back into his seat and looked up at Swan who was now leaning over him, his arm resting atop the car. “Why you here?”

“You actually think I’m going to let you have a substance party without one of us watching you?” Swan scoffed before he tapped Kavinsky’s head. “Let’s not forget what happened last time, yeah?”

Yeah, he remembered Broadway just fine. Shoving away Swan’s hand, he asked in contempt “Who else did you drag with you?”

Crossing his arms but remaining in that oh so casual leaning position, his buddy put on a hard face and Kavinsky knew he was in for some type of speech. A speech he didn’t want to bother hearing. Kavinsky got to his feet and slammed his door, fully prepared to walk away but Swan pulled him back. “Look, Jiang pushes a lot, I get it.”

“No, you don’t.”

Swan took a patient breath and put on a constipated smile. “Maybe I don’t but in theory, I do. Now, he pushes, you push back, yada yada, and every few months, we end up like this. I say just kick his ass and let everything go, alright?”

It was a nice thought but Kavinsky generally tried not to be stupid. “I can’t beat him. The asshole knows how to actually fight.”

“Race him then.”

“Unsatisfying.”

“Fine, I’ll kick his ass for you.”

“Seriously unsatisfying then.”

“Then what?” Swan snapped in frustration, throwing his hands up. “This week has been bullshit and he, I’m sure, deserves it but you’re both driving us all insane. Fix it.”

“Really?” Kavinsky said indignantly, still scorned from not being invited for ice cream. They’d picked Jiang so he was pretty sure that counted as drawing the damn line in the sand. “You guys seemed perfectly fine having ice cream for breakfast.”

“Oh for- you know what? Jiang was right; I shouldn’t waste my time on your stubborn ass.” Jabbing a finger in Kavinsky’s chest, he added with a mean viciousness that Kavinsky hadn’t seen in a while “He already apologized, he shouldn’t have to grovel. He fucked up but you’re fucking up too. You always have to take everything further than it needs to. Who the fuck cares if he called you a nerd? We’re all nerds! We go to fucking Aglionby! Get the fuck over yourself!”

Kavinsky clenched his jaw, just barely stopping himself from spouting out hurtful bullshit that was too personal to be fair game. Settling for showing his anger in crossing his arms, he ground out “Whatever. Jiang’s forgiven. Yay. Leave me alone.”

Swan looked confused as hell, his former anger seeping through his arms that deflated to his sides. “C’mon, man-”

“I forgave him. What more do you want?”

“I don’t know…punch me or something?”

Kavinsky quirked a brow. “Why?”

Gesturing vaguely at him, Swan replied “I don’t know but this weird. Where’s your anger? Your frustration? Where is _you_?”

“You wouldn’t know what ‘you’ looked like even if I suddenly exploded in your face and implanted myself into your brain.” Swan looked puzzled as hell, scratching his head as he tried to keep up to Kavinsky’s horrible metaphor. He was high, what did he want from him? “You wanted everything to be fine? Here, it’s fine. Now just leave me alone,” Kavinsky finished, pulling out a new smoke as he walked off. Emotions were the most bullshit thing in the world and he was done here. They wanted everything to be cool? Fine. Kavinsky was a fucking popsicle, he was so damn cool.

He’d figured that Swan hadn’t come alone and that was proven when he suddenly found Jiang taking a seat beside him on the hood of a half-smashed Honda that’d lost at chicken. Kavinsky had gone to the outer skirts of the party, needing the lonely solace, when Jiang interrupted a while later. “Hey.”

Kavinsky hummed in response.

“Just punch me if you need to.”

Pulling his cigarette from his mouth, he snorted “I don’t need anything. You’re forgiven.”

“I’d feel better if you just punched me, to be honest.”

Taking a long drag and watching the smoke as he blew it out, Kavinsky let out a long tired breath that was just too large and tired to be a sigh of any sort. “I got worked up over nothing; forget it.”

From Jiang’s voice alone, he could tell that the other boy didn’t believe him. “It’s not nothing to you and I’m sorry. Seriously, man, punch me. Make my eyebrows matching.”

He was too tired to laugh. Lynch had been the highlight of his night but he’d gone and fucked that up and who knew how hard he’d have to work to get them back to their weird stasis. More races might help but…with Lynch sticking to Gansey like glue…he didn’t like his chances of getting a connection. They needed something bonding to get Lynch to trust.

“Hello…?”

Sighing and putting his thoughts where need be, he said “Stick out your arm.”

Jiang already knew what was coming and had his sleeve pulled up and arm ready to go. “Don’t burn deep; that’s just fucked up.”

Not even finding it within himself to enjoy or care, he jabbed his cigarette quick and fast at Jiang’s arm, just below the wrist, before taking another puff. All Jiang did was hiss but it sounded like a particularly painful hiss. “We good?”

“We good,” he nodded only to pause and turn to the boy beside him who was examining the little burn circle close. “After you buy me ice cream.”

A huge grin lit up Jiang’s face. “Done.”


	106. Chapter 105

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Dont forget to hit that kudos button because that's a nice thing to do. Also, any and all comments are always welcome along with suggestions, Snapshots, prompts, and so on on on on
> 
> I'm up to writing Dream Thieves! Exciting, no?
> 
> Timelinish: Mid April 2013  
> About a week before the start of Raven Boys which starts April 24
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Boxer briefs, babe. Didn’t wanna say panties and piss you off. See how considerate I am?”_

He wasn’t going to feel guilty about this, he wasn’t going to feel guilty about this, he wasn’t going to feel guilty about this.

Okay, he was feeling hella guilty about this.

“Don’t think, just work,” Joseph snapped at himself, grinding the pill down as finely as he could with the little kitchen smasher thing. Pestle. This was a pestle.

It was a good thing, this thing that he was doing. It was for a good cause.

Or so he figured. But he was sure that at point blank, telling someone that he was about to drug his mother sounded really bad. And he understood, he did, but when it came to safely drugging her asleep or having her dangerously drugging herself asleep, Joseph really preferred that it was in his hands, not hers. At least he had just a little more cognitive function than she did.

Ask him a week or even two days ago if he ever thought that he’d be doing this or would ever need to be doing this and he’d tell that person that they were absolutely insane. Him? Drug his mother? No! Don’t be ridiculous! Why would he _ever_ do such a sick thing?

Now, if someone were to ask him today, he’d tell them that sometimes unethical things were necessary. That he said all of that two days or a week ago. Because after finding his mother digging through his drug tub looking for goodies and already having taken a couple, Joseph decided that unethical was what was going to save her beautiful life. Sometimes certain things had to be done to keep the ones a person loved safe.

That included drugging his mother.

Lightly tapping his finger in the little bowl of where the sleeping pill had been grounded and deeming it fine enough to go unnoticed in a drink, Joseph went to the fridge and pulled out one of the shakes he kept it stocked with. His mother hardly ever remembered to eat, looked like a fucking skeleton like him, and so to ensure she got something in her system, he started making her meal replacement shakes. They were replacing her nonexistent meals and were technically supposed to be for people who were, well, replacing meals but he needed something to go down her system besides for drugs. He’d noticed that when he put them in a portable cup, it was better than putting them in something like a jug or pitcher because she was too lazy to pour. But if the cup was ready and in her face, then she went for it.

It took a lot of work making different shakes and making sure she could actually sustain a decent diet on them but for her, Joseph didn’t mind extra work.

He just needed her to survive.

Dumping a tablespoon of his ground sleeping powder into each cup, he stirred until he was satisfied and then cleaned up. For her to get better, she needed less drugs and drugging her to sleep would keep her from her newfound love of thieving.

Or so he hoped.

Finished from the kitchen and now needing both sleep and coke, Joseph dragged himself up to his room where Walnut was already waiting for him on the bed. He’d bought her a huge extra soft dog bed because she took up his whole damn bed but she refused to use it. It was his fault, he knew, because he should have gotten her used to it when she’d first arrived, not months later.

“Scooch,” he said as he got under the covers, attempting to push her to the side. She literally looked amused at his attempt because they both knew she wasn’t moving anywhere, especially since he could barely even push her big body. “Y’know, I’m the dad and older, you’re supposed to share with me.”

Walnut blinked and yawned in reply, a tiny happy hum echoing from her throat.

“Whatever,” Joseph muttered as he dug through the top drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a stash, setting up a line for himself on the wood top. The white looked poetically beautiful on the black wood. Getting high in what was less satisfaction and more of a chore, Joseph shoved the bag back in the drawer, his hand hitting something hard. Pulling out the offending hard thing, Joseph laid back and stared at the little figurine in his hands.

Admiring the little Diana dragon, he snorted “Henrietta’s a bitch. There’s something in the water here, Walnut. Everyone’s either crazy, ‘magical’, or fucking magical. You go to Jersey and everyone’s actually something. You got your whites, blacks, Hispanics; normal damn identifiers.” He rubbed his thumb along figurine Diana’s head. “But here, noooo. Henrietta likes to look at how different you are in different terms.”

Henrietta was an enigma. Something was wrong with this place and after three years, Joseph thought that he’d figure it out by now.

Obviously he hadn’t.

There were twining threads happening all around him and he knew he fit in somewhere but he sure as fuck hadn’t figured it out yet. It had to have something to do with Lynch, he knew that much. Fate didn’t stick two dreamers in the same town for nothing. Fate hadn’t thrown him in hicktown for nothing either.

“I should’ve stayed in Jersey,” he grumbled to himself, spinning Diana around in his hand. “I should’ve. At the very least, mayko would be fine, if nothing else worked out. And that’s a major something.”

Would he have been able to handle being in the same city as everyone though? He felt like he would’ve, and he could have always been homeschooled to make sure he avoided Emilio until he was ready to face him again. And how hard would it have been to avoid Ivo? Not too hard, right? They were officially just a few days over three years now and, honestly, Joseph didn’t feel like a single thing had gotten better.

They were all one big fucking mess.

Setting down Diana on his nightstand and picking up his phone, he stared at the blank dark screen in thought before unlocking and clicking a name. It was stupid, it was impulsive, but he felt like talking and he felt like talking while being Joseph, not Kavinsky or even the Joseph that Swan and Proko knew. Hell, even the one Jiang sort of knew. The only one missing out was Skov and if he knew that he was, the little blonde boy would have a fit. He hated not knowing things or being left out.

“Hello?”

Biting his lip hard like it was a pinch to make sure he was still stuck in reality, Joseph took a deep breath and said “Hi.”

The person on the other end of the line was silent, probably trying to see if they could recognize his voice or not. Joseph gave him the time he needed and waited for the inevitable question that came a second later. “Who is this?”

“C’mon, Asen, I don’t think it’s been so long where you don’t remember my voice.”

Joseph could imagine the older man making his squinty thinking face before it’d unscrunch and the visible lightbulb went off in his brain. “Joseph? Is this really you?”

“Sadly,” he replied while examining a hangnail. He tried biting it off unsuccessfully before he decided he was too lazy as fuck to go to his bathroom and get the nail clipper. Dropping his hand back down onto Walnut’s big body, he asked “How you been?”

“How have I been? How have you? My life hasn’t changed besides for having another rugrat or two. How are you?”

“Dude, seriously, stop popping kids. What is that, seven?”

Asen broke into a laugh that Joseph missed so much. “God, no! You trying to kill me? Only five. Five is a good number! Nevena, Yana, Kristian, Lana, and, my newest who we welcomed a couple weeks ago, Eva. We’re so stopping here. Eva was…a bit of…”

“An unwelcome happy surprise?” Joseph finished for him.

“Something like that,” he laughed, “But if my parents ask, she was totally planned. They don’t believe us but we’re sticking to the lie. Two kids under three is so terrible. You didn’t hear that from me. I adore my kids.”

“Does Kristian ever feel cheated in not ending with the letter ‘a?’”

“Not that I’m aware of. But who knows? Maybe he’ll hold it against me for the rest of our lives. Enough about me, how are you?”

Absently rubbing Walnut as he considered how to answer, Joseph settled for a shrug until he remembered that he was on the phone and had to verbally answer. “Do you want me to lie?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Then I’m terrible.”

Considering silence met his answer before Asen asked “Care to elaborate?”

Joseph couldn’t stop the laugh that slipped from his lips. “Trust me, you don’t want me to. I’d be the only one in the world who could crash your happy demeanor. So what’re you doing? Working?”

“Whoa, whoa, we’re not done yet. I want you to elaborate. I miss you a lot; think about you every day actually, so the least I deserve in giving you my very little free time of day is something. Give me something, Joseph.”

He liked Asen a little too much to snap at the man. Joseph had wanted to have meaningless conversation, maybe some laughs, just a little bit of feels and that was it. It was what he needed right now. Not an entire convo filled with too much emotions. “Asen-”

“Something and then we can chitchat all you like. Hours even, I don’t mind.”

Shutting his eyes and groaning in annoyance, it didn’t even occur to him to just shut the phone. Asen was Asen and well…he as Asen. No one was capable of hating this man. “Nothing, okay? I’m just tired. I don’t sleep well.”

“Well, yeah, cocaine does that.”

From how abruptly he sat up, he was sure that he pulled something in his back. “How do you know about that?” God, he could just imagine the disappointment on Asen’s face right now. He’d learned how to handle it from his family and everyone else but from Asen? “I know for a fact Ivo wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“Ivo, huh?” Asen mused. “Did he stop being your father after the beating? Yeah, I’d dump his ass too. Sadly, my job and sometimes survival is dependent on keeping that man alive.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the damn fuck up.” What the hell? How much did Asen know? “The…? What the fuck, Asen. What exactly do you think you know?”

“That you’re queer, got beaten for it, and Lady Vesela took you and left. I also check out what you do on Instagram. For the record, I do not approve at all. At all, at all, at all. I never thought there’d be a day where I’d want to yell at you for stupidity.”

Maybe he should’ve made his shit private? Too the fuck late now. “I think I’m going to hang up-”

“Don’t!” Asen sighed a heavy sigh before saying softly “We don’t have to talk about any of that. I just want…I don’t know what I want but I’m really happy to hear from you. You should do it more often. And yes, I’m technically working. Technically because I’m actually home watching my kids while my wife is at the doctor. Your father gave me a stack of things to go through to keep me busy.”

“Because kids don’t keep you busy.”

“Well, he only had you so I doubt he’d know any better,” Asen replied as the sound of a baby crying echoed through the phone. There was the tiny sound of a huff as Asen probably got up to check on who had to be Eva. “How’s school?”

“Sucks balls, man. This school is bullshit.” The baby crying got louder until it was softly silenced, Asen whispering to his baby so low that Joseph couldn’t catch the words. “It’s all preppy and gross and everyone’s a rich prick who’s faces I ‘d love to bash in.”

“Not at all violent,” Asen laughed between singing to Eva. “You do know that you’re rich, right? And I bet a prick too.”

“Ha, ha, you’re so funny. But I’m not their kind of rich or their kind of prick.” He snorted in amusement at himself and his rhyming game. “How’s your family?”

“Oh! Have I got news for you! A bit of ironic news but news.”

Joseph scratched his head and then Walnut’s. He wasn’t sure if he wanted ironic news; sometimes irony was backwards karma teaching him a lesson. “Uh…alright, let’s hear it.”

Speaking to one of the kids to pick something up, it took Asen a few minutes before he refocused on that ironic news. Joseph stewed as he waited, not sure how this was going to go. “So, my youngest brother, I told you about him years ago, remember?”

“Maximillian, yeah.” Joseph’s age, possibly as smart as Joseph, but not where it counted. Asen had even once said that he was worried his brother was a jerk.

Well, that was like Joseph too now.

“He’s never had good friends, never interested in his culture and heritage-”

“I’ve heard the complaints before, Asen, get to the point, man.”

“So…he has a close friend now. Two actually.”

And…? “Well, that’s…nice, I guess? What’s the point to this and where’s the irony?”

His much older friend was silent for a moment before he answered “One of them is Emilio.”

E…Emilio? Joseph wasn’t sure if it was the world being cruel to him or being kind to Emilio in giving him someone in place of him but…it hurt like fuck. “Oh.”

Asen continued, blind to Joseph’s pain. “They met last year in school and they just clicked. Even my father was happy; he said Emilio’s a good influence if not a little weird. But Maximillian definitely needs a little weirdness to make him less cookie cutter jock that I’d love to punch.”

Jealousy burned so hot and so deep that Joseph wanted to cry from it. He was already blinking back tears from it. It was good for Emilio but still. Wiping the nasty tears while biting on his lip to halt new ones as if that tactic had ever worked, Joseph asked softly “How…how close is close?”

The older man must have finally caught on to Joseph’s emotions because he fell silent and said in a much softer tone “Just friends, Joseph.”

It wasn’t his place but he actually felt a little better. God, he would’ve bawled so violently that his body would never stop shaking if he was replaced by another Bulgarian. It sounded so stupid, he knew that, but it would’ve been like Maximillian was the Joseph replacement and he knew he’d never be able to handle that. “Oh.”

“Do you want to hear how Emilio is?” Asen asked so softly, so sweetly, like he was trying to help Joseph through his emotions. “I don’t see him but Maximillian always has stories. Would you like a couple?”

He shouldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t as much as he knew drugging his mother was the action of a sick person. As much as he knew that he’d never be over the love of his life. But he also knew that he needed to know that Emilio was happy. “Please,” he whispered, not even able to keep out the pain in his broken voice. “Is…he happy?”

“As far as I know, he’s doing good. He’s got a boyfriend. I’ve never met him but I’ve heard very good things.”

“What’s he like? And what’s he look like? Do you know?” Joseph asked, more curious than hurting now. Emilio had moved on. It hurt bad but it also meant that he’d listened and looked for his happiness.

He’d kept his promise. And that made Joseph happier than anything else ever could.

In the underlying thread of Asen’s voice, Joseph could hear the amusement. How Asen knew about Joseph and Emilio, he didn’t know and honestly, he didn’t care. He just wanted his love to be happy. “His name’s Marcus. Tall black kid from the projects with the military in his dreams apparently. Handsome, if I’m one to judge.”

“So he’s not white?”

This time, Asen really did laugh and Joseph didn’t blame him. His question sounded ridiculous. “No, not white. Absolutely no features he shares with you, don’t worry. I may not know Emilio extremely well, but no one will ever replace you in his heart.”

“You can’t assume-”

“I know, Joseph, I’m not assuming.”

“But you don’t know anything!” he snapped harshly, getting out of bed and onto his unsteady feet from his anger. “What the fuck do you think you know? You don’t know shit about-”

“Calm down,” Asen began in a stern voice that Joseph forgot he even had, “stop yelling, and breathe. I’ve dealt with your father in his anger, you think I can’t with you? Everyone thinks that just because I always smile that I’m simple in my nature. I’m not. Speak your words and speak them with respect.”

Immediately Joseph felt ashamed for yelling at this man. This man who he was indebted to for a lifetime, this man who he loved like family. Sitting down on the edge of his bed with a harsh attempt at relaxing through breathing, Joseph ran his hand through his hair and hung his head down. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“That’s okay. Sometimes anger is hard to contain. I know these things because all he does is tell stories about you. You’re precious to him, Joseph, and he’ll never throw that away. Believe me.”

He wanted to believe him so badly but by now, Emilio would’ve received his letter. Hell, he would’ve received it months ago and in it was every single one of Joseph’s sins. Even if he’d been precious and special before, there was no way he was now after confessing to murder. With lips quivering and teary-eyes closed, Joseph said “You won’t tell anyone I called, right?”

Asen didn’t hesitate. “Not if you don’t want me to, no.”

“Then please don’t. And Asen? Um…um…if this Marcus guy turns out to be an ass, you gotta defend Emilio’s honor, okay? That’s your job now.”

“It’s one I don’t even mind not getting paid for,” Asen laughed. “I’ll keep an eye on him, I promise. But you take care of yourself, understand? Look forward, Joseph. One more year, you graduate and you can start building your own life and live it for you. Just take care of yourself, okay?” Joseph nodded despite Asen not being able to see it. “We all miss you.”

“I doubt everyone does,” he couldn’t help but whisper.

Asen was silent for a moment before murmuring “He misses you more than anyone else. And it’s up to you if you want to believe me or not but I see it in his face. In the way he acts. In the way he speaks or even just breathes. He misses you a lot.”

Joseph drew circles with his finger on his thigh, considering Asen’s words and…surprisingly, he believed them. Ivo may not accept him and may not for a while but if he didn’t care, if he didn’t miss Joseph or love him then he wouldn’t make the effort he did every single day. He could’ve just written Joseph off, simple and easy peasy but he hadn’t.

And that had to mean something.

“Yeah, well…” Joseph trailed off from what he was about to say before he decided to just go with it anyways. Asen knew so what was the point in going around it? “Missing is all good and well but until…until he can say that…that, y’know…”

“You’re queer and that’s okay?”

Being that Joseph had learned that word not too long ago, or at least, what felt like not too long ago, he was confused on why Asen kept using it. “Why don’t you just say gay?”

“Oh, well, I wasn’t sure exactly of your orientation and I didn’t want to offend by labeling you wrong. So gay then?”

Asen sounded more versed in this stuff than Joseph ever could. “Uh…well, I mean…I’m not a f-” If Asen already knew, what was the point? Asen knew and seemingly was fine with it. Why was everyone fine except the one Joseph needed to be fine? “Yeah, yeah, I’m…gay.”

“And that’s okay.”

Joseph had his doubts there.

“I want you to repeat that,” Asen said, “’I’m gay and that’s okay.’”

“Asen-”

“Don’t ‘Asen’ me. I’m gay and that’s okay. Say it, repeat it, believe it.”

He made it sound so simple as if it wasn’t both the worst and hardest thing in the world. Clenching his eyes shut tight as an attempt to rein in his growing temper, Joseph said through gritted teeth “It’s really not that simple. Or right. Or-”

“The only asshole that you know who’s bothered by you being gay is your father. Nobody else cares because they love you the way you are. My father, who is my father, who is an old man from freaking Soviet Bulgaria doesn’t give a damn and has no problems-”

“Well, that’s yours, not mine! Not everyone is you or is lucky enough to have a family like yours!” Getting to his feet and pacing in his frustrations, Joseph hissed “I’m a fucking fag and until I can fix myself, there’s no life for me. No bullshit future that you or,” he waved his hand around, trying to grasp onto someone else before remembering Tog man, “or my teacher keep preaching about. But you fuckers are fucking normal so you wouldn’t understand.”

“Jos-”

“No, we’re fucking done. I’m fucking sorry I even bothered calling you, you fucking piece of shit. Go fuck yourself and your fucking stupid happy family.”

With that, he hang up and flung his phone at the wall. So much for just some need for conversation.


	107. Chapter 106

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> For anyone who has finals coming up, good luck!
> 
> I was going to do the twelve days of Christmas this year but I couldn't make enough chpts in time. I might do the five days of Christmas tho? Probably.  
> Yes, I created a thing called five days of Christmas, shoot me
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Dare. You. You won’t do it. You speak anything gay, you die on the inside. I ain’t worried.”_

“What’s with your face?” Jiang snorted, munching on his pencil per usual. The only reason Joseph was currently holding one of his nasty ass chewed up pencils – with a tissue wrapped around it – was because he legit had absolutely no fucking choice. He’d never thought himself desperate enough to ever touch one of Jiang’s pencils but here he was. “Looks more constipated than usual.”

He couldn’t possibly know that Joseph was actually constipated so he had to mean that he looked more annoyed than his typical annoyed face. Scrawling down his answer to number three with almost the most disgusting pencil in the world – the most was in Jiang’s hand – Joseph replied “Meaning.”

“Meaning what’s got your bb’s in a twist, man.”

“My bb’s?” Joseph asked in confusion, picking his head up to stare at the weirdo in front of him who’d decided that he was trying something new with his hair upon request from the bae. Instead of his typical spikes in the front, Jiang was now going for a little more length with the tiniest little swish of bangs on his forehead. Jiang wasn’t attractive to Joseph in any way, he wasn’t a fag mind you, but he’d liked the shorter hair better. “The hell is that?”

“No talking. Get your work done,” Tog man called from his desk, explicitly giving a glare in Joseph and Jiang’s direction. “Work, gentlemen.”

“Just men, not gentle,” Joseph laughed with an over the top wink. “That don’t work for me, Tog’s. Or Jiang.”

Jiang laughed, giving a thumbs up to their teacher before they turned back to their work. Only for a minute though because they apparently weren’t done as Jiang whispered “Boxer briefs, babe. Didn’t wanna say panties and piss you off. See how considerate I am?”

Working out the answer to the next question before erasing it in annoyance because that was definitely not the answer, Joseph glared at the crappy eraser before poking Jiang in the back with his nasty ass pencil. His not-buddy turned, his scarred brow raised. Joseph held up the pencil, “This is shit.”

“Be grateful you have a pencil, bitch,” Jiang snorted in amusement before turning back to his work. Joseph poked him again and again but it was doing him no good. Jiang wasn’t even remotely annoyed; just kept on working like the science nerd he was.

Sighing and looking to Caruthers beside him, Joseph poked him in the arm and waved the pencil in silent question. Caruthers shook his head to the negative and went back to his work. It was amazing how suddenly the class was acting like they were the most hardworking people in the world. Bullshit. Sighing again, he turned behind himself and tapped Carl on his downturned head with the bitten pencil. Carl raised his head with his stupid smile, “Yes?”

“Pencil? With an actually decent eraser?”

He looked guilt-ridden which was entirely unnecessary because he could just say no. But as with anything that included Carl, there was a story attached. “I’ve only got the one in my hand,” he waved his fancy mechanical pencil around, “and my special edition-”

“Okay, okay,” Joseph muttered, cutting off the story before it began and he earned himself an even bigger headache than he already had, “Thanks for nothing.”

“Mr. Kavinsky,” his science teacher called, “working, not talking. Please, don’t make me say it again.”

“Can’t work without a decent pencil,” he shot back, showing him the crap Jiang had given him to use. “This has more bite marks than a…” he paused to think but there were no good metaphors for this situation, “okay, I’ve got nothing good here, but think of it in the worst bitten situation ever. With a terrible eraser too.”

“You’re welcome,” Jiang said, slightly offended on behalf of his nasty pencil. “I didn’t have to give you one, you know. I’m not the one who literally forgot everything at home today because he’s in a pissy mood.”

“My pissy mood will end up breaking your face,” Joseph snapped, tossing the pencil at Jiang.

Mr. Tog sighed in the most exasperated sigh ever. That only happened when he had to deal with Joseph as far as he knew. It was a point of pride for him. “Joseph, if you would be so kind-”

“That causes me to exert a lot of effort,” he notified with a grin, leaning into his chair, his quest for a pencil now forgotten. Annoying people was always a fun affair. “A _lot._ ”

“I’d prefer not to give you detention but I will if I have too.”

“I just need a pencil.”

Grimacing and giving Joseph a look, Mr. Tognazzini turned his attention to the whole class. “Does anyone have a pencil to spare for Mr. Kavinsky?” The class stayed silent besides for someone clearing his throat and Joseph knew that if it was anyone but him asking, there’d be a lot of pencils to go around. “Anyone?”

“Catch.”

Joseph turned to the sound of a now familiar voice, his heart skipping a beat though he didn’t know why it would. Snagging with two fingers the pencil Lynch launched from across the room, Joseph gave a mocking smile and said “Aw, why thank you, dear.”

Lynch blinked at him for just a second longer than his usual before snorting and turning back to his work without a word. See that?

That was called progress.

Making it home after the school day finished, Joseph walked into his house only to halt a second later, his eyes wide. “What…are you…doing…”

The thing that had taken over his beautiful mother blinked up at him from the floor, a scary smile growing on her face. She giggled as she sat on the cold tile in nothing but her bra and underwear. When she was high, she did freaky ass things, sure, but this was a new one. Waving her hands around on the floor, she said “I’m swimming.”

She was swimming. Of course. He should’ve know that from her just sitting in the foyer on the tile in her underwear in the middle of April. Swimming. “Swimming, huh? How’s the water?”

His mother made splashing motions, seriously thinking that she was wading in a pool. “Not bad. A little cold.”

Yeah, it probably was. Thank God he’d taken to locking the sliding door to the backyard and the smaller side one through the garage. For all he knew, she’d actually try going into the pool and the last thing he needed was to find her drowned and bloated in the water.

An involuntary shiver ran through him with the image.

Hanging up his keys and setting his bag down on the floor, he walked over to the woman who was his mother and held out his hand. “You’ll catch a cold, y’know.”

“Oh but I want soup.”

“Okay,” he nodded, gently grasping her hand, waiting for that resistance that he knew was going to come. She hated when he tried to move her in any way. “I’ll make you soup but you don’t have to get sick for it. C’mon, to your feet; water’s too cold this time of year.”

In the beginning when her weird antics that were borderline hallucinations started, Joseph had tried explaining to her how she was wrong. It only ever resulted in her being angry and, lately, violent, so he settled for just letting her believe it as long as it didn’t cause her any harm. “Time of year…” his mother murmured, cocking her head the side. She wasn’t getting up but she wasn’t fighting him yet so it was a win so far. “It’s April.”

“It is.”

“Why doesn’t your daddy love me?”

How was it that the only touch of reality she could remember was what this month was? Fucking reality. “He loves you more than anyone,” Joseph reminded, grasping her wrist with his other hand, waiting for the right moment to pull her up. The tile was sucking whatever heat was in her body; he needed to get her off of it before she really did catch a cold. “You’re very special to him.”

Blinking up at him with wide green eyes that used to be the most glowing, most beautiful eyes in the world, his mother whispered “But I haven’t seen him. Why doesn’t he see me? He used to sneak to see me and now he doesn’t see me at all.”

Joseph would make sure to check when the last time Ivo called was. Hearing his voice would probably help. Or what if they facetimed? She’d like that but he wasn’t sure how he was going to convince Ivo into it. Joseph knew that he didn’t like to see how bad she looked. Plus, convincing meant talking and Joseph had no intentions of doing that. “He’s working. He’s a very busy man. He’ll come when he can.”

She grasped his hands so tightly and abruptly that it actually spooked him. “Promise?”

Ah fuck. He was believer in not breaking promises and making one like this where he knew he’d never be able to hold it was going to sit like spoiled food in the pit of his stomach. Putting on his best smile, he said “Promise. Now how about you take a nice hot shower and we fix your hair and you wear nice clothes and we’ll see if we can get him on the phone from his busy day?”

“A braid, I want a braid. He likes braids.”

“Then I’ll do you a braid. C’mon, to your feet.” She blinked at him for a minute before smiling excitedly and getting to her feet, using him as her support. Hugging her close and wishing that her body didn’t feel so thin and frail in his arms, Joseph whispered “I love you.”

His mother tilted her head up, “Promise?”

That was an easy one to keep. “Promise,” he murmured into her hair before pulling away and saying with smile “Let’s get you extra pretty.”

With a careful hand holding hers, he more or less dragged her behind him, slipping off his shoes before they ascended the stairs together. She spent the walk to her room singing, though it was hardly as good as she used to be, only stopping once they were in the bathroom. Joseph turned on the shower and kept his hand under the water until he was satisfied. “’Kay, you go ahead and I’ll put a towel and clothes for you on the sink, okay?” His mother just blinked in response. “Okay?”

“Okay,” she shrugged without a care. “Okay.”

He kept the smile on his face until he shut the door of the bathroom, leaving her to it. “Deep breaths, deep breaths,” he whispered to himself, rubbing his face harshly. “Everything gets better.”

With that in mind, he picked her out one of her favorite outfits of jeans, a black turtleneck, and a soft white vest before grabbing the essentials of undergarments and a towel. He knocked at the door and opened it just enough for his arm and the clothes to fit through, setting them on the counter, before heading off to his own room to change. “What up, buttercup.”

Blinking at him from his bed like he was a fool, Walnut set her head back down and resumed her doze. He was too insignificant for the moment to ruin her sleep. Sleep she thought was well deserved even though she did just about nothing during the day. Shaking his head at her with a small smile, he changed into something that wasn’t the stupid Aglionby uniform, grabbed his phone, and went back to his mother’s room. She was still in the shower but that was for the best until he figured out what he was going to do about Ivo.

Joseph yawned as he rolled onto her bed, grabbing her phone from her nightstand in one nice movement, before he came to a stop on his back with her phone held up above him. But he dropped it beside himself a second later with a change of plan and picked up his own. Going to Ivo’s name, he typed a message as the shower shut off. Hopefully, he’d get this done before she came out. It’d be easier without having to try and explain to her why she got dressed up for nothing.

Minutes passed in silence and Joseph was beginning to have that creeping feeling of worry crawling up his throat before finally his phone buzzed.

_In the middle of a meeting_

Joseph snorted and rolled his eyes. Yeah, his high as fuck mother wasn’t going to understand that any more than why she couldn’t swim in the foyer.

_Fuck ur meeting. Now pls_

The language was a bit strong but it wasn’t like they were on courteous terms anyways. Last time they’d talked was when they’d seriously _talked_ and that was plenty for him. This was only on behalf of his mother.

“I’m ready!” his mother’s shout came as she burst out of the bathroom, arms upraised and ready for the call of her life apparently. At least she was properly dressed. One time she’d come down with her unders on her overs and it wasn’t pretty. Bouncing onto the floor at the foot of the bed, she said “I’m ready, Joseph.”

“You look nice,” he said as he got up and grabbed her brush and a rubber band from the dresser. He’d learned to braid a long time ago, for Anka actually, and his braiding game was pretty good. He’d even learned the fish one. Taking a seat on the bed behind her, he grabbed her wet hair and started brushing, deciding that the longer he took, the better. “Smell nice too.”

“Thank you. I want to be beautiful.”

“You’re always beautiful,” Joseph replied as he brushed and brushed. Relief hit him as a little buzz was felt on his thigh. Making sure he was still brushing with one hand, he picked up his phone with the other.

_This is important. I don’t have the time now_

Typing with one hand even though it was a pain in the ass, Joseph replied back, hoping his annoyance was shown in his words.

_Make fucking time, she needs u. shes ur fucking priority before anyone else_

“Joseph?”

Setting the phone down and focusing back on her hair, he brushed her hair back, sleek and smooth. “Yes?”

“I love you.”

He picked up his phone again at the vibration, pausing his brushing for a minute. “Well, I love you too.”

_Im ready_

Well, that was a turn of events. Smiling with triumphant satisfaction, Joseph wrote back for him to give them a few before picking the brush back up, ready to fix her hair for her. “I’m gonna do the fish braid. What do you think?”

“I like fish.”

“Mhmm. But your favorite animal is whales.”

“Yes! Whales. Big whales.”

“Yup,” he said with a smile, setting down the brush and beginning the braid, “the biggest. Do you remember which is the biggest?”

Her hand was sliding up and down his foot as she thought. Joseph gave her all the time she needed as he worked, very proud of how it was looking already. After a few more thoughtful minutes, his mother asked softly “The blue? I think it was the blue?”

“Good job,” Joseph praised, feeling like that today might be one of her good days minus the swimming. “It’s the blue. They can go up to a hundred feet and two hundred tons.”

“Big, big.”

“Big, big,” he repeated in agreement, tying off her braid before leaning back to take in his work. Not even slightly crooked. “Okay, we’re done.”

She bounced up and went over to the mirror, pulling her braid over her shoulder. She needed a haircut but Joseph was too afraid to take her out and about. They went on walks and things because he needed to make sure that she didn’t become some pale recluse but shopping or anything of that sort was only done on her absolute best days. “Pretty!”

“Yes ma’am,” Joseph yawned, snatching her phone from behind him and calling up Ivo with facetime. He handed it over before it could be answered. “There you go. Talk his ears off, okay?” She nodded eagerly, clutching the phone tight as he settled her down on the bed. Pressing a kiss to her head, he murmured his love as Ivo answered.

His cue to leave.


	108. Chapter 107

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Guess what? This story's anniversary is on Wednesday! It'll officially be a year! To celebrate, a chpt will be posted both Wednesday and Thursday! And I actually might be able to do the 12 days of Christmas!  
> Yay
> 
> Also, Snapshot! I finally got around to finishing the smol Joseph one celebrating 1000 hits. 350 hits late but hey, i did it. Go check it out! It's right before the timeline break in Snapshots. Chpt 29
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“It’s dark. Really dark. There’s no power.”_

“…K. Hello? Kavinsky. Yo.”

Ignoring the insistent buzzing around him, Joseph kept his eyes closed and his head on his arms.

“Kavinsky, man, stop ignoring me.”

He kept on ignoring. He was too tired right now for much else. Joseph had spent the night and early morning stealing his way into the forest a million times over to fill up his twice a month tub and his head was throbbing from exertion and drugs.

“Ima tell Skov you think he’s pretty if you don’t listen to me.”

Pft, puhlease.

“I’m also gonna tell him how you’ve totally thought about defiling his pretty mouth with your dick.”

“What the fuck?” Joseph snapped, his head flying up as he glared at a laughing Jiang. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

With eyes dancing in amusement, Jiang snorted “Chill, babe, it’s a joke. Idk about you but I’ve actually thought that. He’s got a nice mouth.”

Joseph wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to look Skov straight in the face again with the very inappropriate image now imprinted in his mind. Goddamn Jiang. Shoving him though it didn’t do much except make Jiang switch chairs, Joseph set his arms back on the tabletop with his head atop them. In hindsight, coming to Nino’s with a major headache had been a terrible idea. He’d kind of been hoping to see Blue just for old time’s sake but she must not be working today because there was no sign of her. Now that he thought about it though, he hadn’t seen her at Nino’s in a while.

There was sign of the unlikely threesome though. That was a plus.

Approaching Lynch with Parrish and Gansey around him was a no for the time being but Joseph figured he’d just end up breaching his rule one of these days. It’d been months now and besides for a little more shit talking banter and races, he was no closer than he’d been to Lynch. What he needed was something big to happen between them but he just didn’t know what the fuck that could be.

“I’m telling Skov on you,” Joseph murmured after a wide yawn. “You’re gonna give our boy a nosebleed. Get us a pile of napkins so we’re ready.”

“Tell him, I dare you.”

Now that had him awake. Lifting his head to grin at Jiang with a sinister feel, Joseph asked “You sure about that?”

Jiang shrugged without a care. “Dare. You. You won’t do it. You speak anything gay, you die on the inside. I ain’t worried.”

He wasn’t exactly…wrong but he wasn’t entirely right either. Joseph could totally do fag jokes. “Dare taken, bitch. I can’t wait until you have to clean the blood up.”

Rolling his eyes, an eyeroll worthy of a Kavinsky, Jiang stretched in his chair and asked “So what’s your week been like?”

Okay, he was tired but he sure as fuck wasn’t that tired to imagine that such a stupid question came out of the ‘I’m gonna be a scientist!’ boy’s mouth. Scrunching his face in disbelief, Joseph snorted “What was my week like? What the fuck, man. Who gives a fuck.”

If there was one thing he disliked more than the banging of Nino’s music, it was the sheepishly concerned look on Jiang’s face. With a shrug and his eyes looking everywhere but Joseph, he replied “Just…you seem kinda off. Like this entire week you have. You good?”

Let him check the boxes on the list. Foolishly felt homesick and called someone he shouldn’t have, hung up on that someone like the rude ass he was, spent that day guilty as fuck, spent the day after hateful as fuck because he was sick of feeling guilty…oh and his mother had been swimming in the foyer half naked, he missed his father after hearing his voice, almost called him like the bitch he was, broke his phone against the wall for a second time in a few days…there was of course his meeting with the burly man who he now feared, his head was throbbing, Lynch only noticed him when he didn’t have his bitches…

Yeah, his week had been great. So great that Jiang took note.

“I’m fine.”

“Dude,” Jiang snorted with a laugh, “you could be half dead bleeding on the floor and you’d say that you’re fine.” Turning serious and leaning forward with his arms on the table and hands interlaced, Jiang added “Not everyone likes to talk feelings, that’s cool. But don’t let yourself drown either. Look, we’re assholes, that goes without saying, but it doesn’t mean we don’t care.” Joseph rolled his eyes and set his head back onto his arms, shutting his eyes. “Joseph, man, I’m serious.”

“So are a lot of people and yet here I am. No one’s ever on my side; they say they are but once Joseph starts talking, they change their mind.”

“I-”

“Because Joseph never matters. Because Joseph is shit beneath everyone’s feet.”

“K-”

“Because Joseph is always a let down. Always. Every single fucking time.”

He appreciated the fact that Jiang said nothing this time. It was supposed to be an uncomfortable silence in the noise of Nino’s but Joseph found that it calmed his furiously beating heart. He didn’t want lies, he didn’t want words, he didn’t want anything.

Except maybe his parents and Emilio.

But that was a problem for another day.

“I dare you tell Skov that I’d totally suck his dick.”

A smile grew on Joseph’s face, his eyes still closed, at Jiang’s attempt to lighten the mood. “Would you?”

“Honestly? Yeah, I would. He’s cute. Bet his dick’s even cuter.” A choking laugh erupted from Joseph. He didn’t know cute was an adjective that could be applied to a penis. But Jiang would know better than him. “You think he’s cute?”

Being that Joseph had always found Liam attractive and Skov was a little mini me except with rounder innocent eyes and shorter… “Nope.”

“Liar,” Jiang laughed before he suddenly started tapping on the table. “Oh, oh they’re here! Dare you, dare you, dare you. You won’t; you’re a gay coward.”

Picking his head up and watching the rest of the gang make their way over, Joseph flipped them all off and stopped Swan from sitting beside him. When the other boy raised the brow of ‘wtf,’ Joseph said “Spot’s reserved for Puppy.”

“Oh no,” Skov groaned because he knew it meant something was going to go down. Accepting his fate with a sad sigh, he plopped down beside Joseph who wrapped his arm around the other boy’s shoulders with an evil grin. “What, K.”

Rubbing Skov’s upper arm with the hand looped around him, Joseph said with a nod in Jiang’s direction “You see that guy over there?”

“How high are you this lovely afternoon?”

Ignoring the pup, he continued on. “Word on the street is that he finds you entirely edible.” Skov stopped fidgeting and they all laughed as his cheeks flared up a lovely shade of red. “Word on the avenue’s that he’d suck your dick so eagerly like it was the last fucking popsicle in the world. Says it’s so goddamn cute that it gives him the sexy heebies.”

Shoving Joseph off to their laughter, Skov crossed his arms and tried to look angry but he was too flushed to look properly pissed. His face had to be vibrating from how red it was, even in the low light of the pizza place. “You guys aren’t funny.”

Leaning back into his chair while setting his arm along the top of Skov’s, Joseph snorted “It wasn’t a joke, baby, he legit wants a taste of your cute sausage.”

“Oh my God!” Skov yelled so fucking loud that it was like the world inside Nino’s froze, the screech of his chair as he abruptly got up becoming a backup to the music. “Shut up, please!”

“Such a well-mannered pup,” Swan laughed as he hailed the waitress. “Sit your ass down, you’re making a scene.”

With a pout that made those pretty lips purse, Skov plopped into his seat, his arms once again crossed angrily. When it came his time to order, he grumbled “Nothing, thank you.”

“You sure?” the waitress asked politely though she probably couldn’t care less.

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to eat?” Proko, the eater, questioned, a look of concern on his face. “You skipped breakfast too.”

“I forgot breakfast because I was late,” Skov muttered sullenly, “and I don’t want to eat or drink anything. I’m not giving Jiang any ideas.”

Jiang burst into raucous laughter so hard that he was clutching his side. Leaning forward towards Skov, he said in a scandalous voice “You worried I’m imaging those pretty lips wrapped around my hard cock?”

Skov got up and ran to the bathroom so fast that he could audition to be the Flash, leaving them cackling in his innocent wake. Wiping his eyes from his laughing tears, Swan said “One of these days, swear to God, he’s gonna hit someone.”

“Well then at least we contributed to him growing a pair,” Jiang replied with a smile and a sip of his soda that the waitress set down. He turned his gaze to the pretty girl with long waves that Joseph felt like should be tied in an eating establishment. “Aren’t we great friends?”

The girl blinked at them, her gaze roving the table, before she put on the fakest smile in the world and answered “I’m sure you are.”

“Lying doesn’t get you a better tip,” Joseph snorted, “Tell your true feelings, babe.”

Turning her smile on him, she replied “I think you’re an asshole.”

“There we go!” he exclaimed in happiness, arms raised in triumph. “Honesty! Fifty bucks are yours, courtesy of me.”

Now a real smile lit her face. Who wouldn’t with the prospect of a fifty tip? “Will I get more if I keep insulting you?”

“He’s into humiliation play,” Jiang notified.

“I don’t know what that is but Jiang’s always a liar.” Pointing at her with a long bony finger, Joseph added “And no. I like honesty, not rude people.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Joseph glanced around their waitress, a delighted grin growing on his face at meeting the owner of the voice. “Aw, princess, have I hurt your feelings before?” Ronan said nothing, just leaned on the booth beside their table with his arms crossed and one nice neat eyebrow raised. Pressing a hand to his heart, Joseph laughed “And I’m always honest.”

That managed to break Lynch’s façade as he snorted after a puff of disbelieving air “Yeah okay. You’re a pathological liar. Anyone who believes anything from your mouth is an idiot.”

“Did it ever occur to you that there’s an entire truth laced into my lies? I haven’t met a single person who’s smart enough to unweave them though.” He wasn’t going to add that he really hoped that Lynch would be the one who could see through the lies. The one person who just might be smart enough would be his fellow dreamer because he’d be the only one who could ever understand anything. “Who knows if I ever will, yeah?”

“Who knows if any would ever want to waste their time on you.”

“Burnnnnnn,” Jiang whispered, a light of amusement dancing in his near black eyes. “Fucking burn.”

Shrugging and gesturing his hands out like ‘who knows,’ Joseph replied “Maybe people need to realize just how interesting I am. How oh so very _imaginative_ I can be.”

It was the best hint he’d dropped yet and he could easily tell that Lynch didn’t even get it. Hell, he didn’t even look like he was considering it. Such a fucking idiot, for God’s sake. “Sounds like the ad for a crappy politician or something. Bad dating profile.”

The guys laughed and even the waitress had a small smile, hiding it behind her notebook. People had always laughed at him, it was nothing new. If Lynch was too fucking dense or too inflated in his damn ego to consider the fact that there might be other people like them, then that was on him. “Well, at least I’m getting myself out there instead of working on my back for my roommate.”

Silence descended on the table, each boy wearing a look of shock. Jiang’s jaw was literally slowly sliding open as he probably wondered who the guy making homo jokes in front of him was. Lynch just stood and blinked in blank shock for a second before the words must have registered, the anger creeping along his face and forming into an ugly snarl. “The fuck did you just say?”

Grinning like a madman because he’d _finally_ gotten a reaction from the object of his obsession, Joseph repeated “At least I’m getting myself out there instead of working on my back for my roommate. Dick Gansey any good with his dick? I mean, he is a dick so…?”

He hadn’t even noticed that the waitress had disappeared or that there was a clear line from him to Lynch and Lynch to him.

Not until he was suddenly dragged out of his seat and being punched on the floor.

“Hey, hey, hey!” came Jiang’s defensive anger, Lynch’s weight disappearing as fast as it came. Joseph’s head had its own vicious heartbeat pulsing in the back where he’d slammed the floor and his face had its own except hotter here he’d been punched.

And yet all he felt was rejuvenation.

Well, mostly that because he was also a bit dizzy and the pounding of his head became louder by the second. The sounds of arguing didn’t even register as he slowly sat up, gingerly touching his head. Damn, Lynch hit him down fucking hard. Blinking a few times suddenly brought Skov’s concerned face into view. “You okay?”

Rubbing his head and wincing, Joseph replied “Yeah, fine. Floor’s a bit hard is all.”

“Why you always gotta piss people off, K?”

“Because I don’t like people.”

“Yeah but you always just end up hurt.”

“What’s a little karma. I deserve all the hurt in the world, pups.”

Skov didn’t seem to like that answer, his eyes narrowing in thought. Eventually, he just shook his head and helped Joseph to his feet and into his chair. “No one does, Joseph, no one does.”


	109. Chapter 108

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy anniversary! To me, you, us, and this story! We're almost finished here, can you believe it? I haven't finished writing yet but by my hopes and relative estimation, at the end or around the end of the 12 days of Christmas we should be done or very close to it  
> Hopefully
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> _“Lynch! I’m going to fuck you up!”_

Joseph jolted awake.

Breathing harshly with a shaking hand resting over his heart that was beating harder than the thump of a gavel on its block, Joseph blinked and blinked and blinked, not understanding why the fuck he was still trapped in the dark of his dream.

Not until he heard the sirens at least.

Feeling on his bed in the darkness until he found Walnut’s fur, Joseph took deep steadying breaths he’d learned from his doctor years ago while rubbing his dog, finding comfort in her presence. Shaking as he lay back down, scooting much closer to Walnut, Joseph whispered to himself “Just an outage, just an outage, just an outage.” He shut his eyes harshly because there was no dark if he couldn’t see it. Supposedly.“Just a power outage.”

Walnut shifted beside him and Joseph suddenly wished that she was Peanut. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Walnut or that she wasn’t as lovable or anything but Peanut was Peanut and, plus, nothing was more comforting than her purrs. And she’d been attuned to his moods from years of being together. She knew when he needed to be comforted. Walnut was sweet but she just didn’t understand these things.

Rubbing her head as he listened and felt his heartbeat take a chill pill, Joseph pulled the blanket higher up on himself and curled it around his head. He was a loser of a seventeen year old boy who still needed a nightlight or just some sort of light but he hadn’t found a way to break the habit yet. He’d tried, especially when he’d had the sleepover with Swan, but he hadn’t been able to do it. He’d even blamed leaving the bathroom light on on poor Walnut, saying that she needed to see to get around in the dark.

Joseph was pretty sure Swan hadn’t believed him.

Heavy rain beat upon the roof, the steady and yet erratic _thump thump thump_ of the drops soothing him like nothing else could. Rain was soothing and refreshing and a sign that he was awake and that the darkness would go away with the rising of the sun.

All he had to do was wait.

Singing under his breath the lullaby his mother hadn’t sung for him in so long, Joseph dared to open his eyes and roll over, feeling for his phone on his nightstand. The beating of his heart started to match the quick pace of the rain as it took longer than he’d expected to find it, but when he finally did, he turned on the flashlight and got out of bed, making his way to his closet. Joseph flashed his light around until he located what he wanted, grabbing Mr. Cat and clutching him against him tight. The fucker was a mess, even worse after having been through the washer so many times, but he was his and he was special and that was all that mattered.

Practically skipping back to his bed to slip back under the covers, Joseph sighed and shut his eyes with a prayer on repeat in his mind. It was one of safety and usually calmed him down but the rain was only getting louder, the sirens only blaring harder, and Joseph found no comfort in his words. He wanted his mother but she wasn’t his mother right now and the last thing he needed was to bother her. She’d probably think the world was ending or something.

With a shaking hand, he picked up his phone and dialed someone he knew he shouldn’t dial at one in morning or at all really, but was someone who’s voice was comforting. It was also terrifying and connected to some of the worst memories of his life but it was attached to one of the three people who knew how deep his demons ran.

And in the pitch black essence of the night, in what was as close to dreams as it got in the waking world, Joseph couldn’t lie to himself in how much he needed that comfort. He loved that man more than he could ever hate him. He knew it was stupid, he knew it was typical of abuse victims, and he even knew that he was hurting his case in making his father accept him.

But he needed him. He needed _someone_ and being that the other two were unavailable to him the way he needed it, Joseph was stuck with him. Joseph was a coward in the dark but he was a desperate coward in the dark who needed someone to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

“This is a surprise,” came Ivo’s voice over the line. It sounded far too awake for this time of night. “Hi.”

Biting his lip harder than he had in a long time, Joseph whispered in a shaky voice “It’s dark.”

A thoughtful silence passed over the line before Ivo said “Are you home?” Joseph nodded. “Joseph, brat, are you home?”

He nodded again before he realized that his nodding was why he was being asked twice. “Yes. But it’s dark,” he took a deep breath, calming himself just enough to speak coherently, “It’s dark. Really dark. There’s no power.”

“Ah,” Ivo said in understanding, the picture of what was going on forming in his mind. “And I bet the lack of moon and probably some clouds hanging around doesn’t help much.” Joseph shook his head furiously, clutching Mr. Cat closer. He didn’t even wonder how his father knew what the weather was like. “Are you in bed?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about it. What’s it feel like? Look like? What color are your blankets? Your sheets?”

In the back of his mind, where it was still running the way it should outside of panic, Joseph remembered the technique of grounding. But everywhere else in his head, it yelled at him to answer and not think about anything. Just answer. “It’s a full size bed and…my pillow is too flat but I’m lazy to buy a new one. My pillowcase is white but my sheets are this weird grey pattern thing and my blankets, one is grey and one is black.” He shut his eyes and breathed in slowly, grounding himself in these little details. “My mattress is soft and I’m a little cold but I don’t want to get out of bed for a long sleeve.”

“Good, keep going. What else is there? And do you have Lord Hideous? I bet he’d love some cuddles.”

A broken sound that was either a giggle or just plain hysterics burst from his ragged lips. “Yes, I do. And Walnut’s next to me too.” The rain become nothing more than background noise as he focused on the words running from his mouth. “I’m curled up in the blankets, my phone is pressed to my ear, it’s raining, I’m tired, I had a bad dream but I don’t remember it, and I think I need to get high but if I do I won’t be able to go back to sleep.”

“Alright now imagine me and you are sitting on your bed, Walnut next to us-”

“She’s too big, she won’t leave us space.”

He liked the chuckle that dropped from his father. It was a reminder of better times when chuckles were nice and everything was just…nice. “Okay, how about this. Tell me about…”

“Komodo dragons,” Joseph supplied, the episode of Nature he watched a few days ago surfacing in his mind. “Is that okay?”

“That’s perfect. Tell me about them.”

It was almost like his stress switch shut off as he began to speak. His mind told him to focus on the reptile so that was what he was doing. Thoughts of dark and rain and scary fathers were erased as he went on and on, repeating every fact he’d learned in the episode. So much time passed, so much single minded focus was exerted, that Joseph completely forgot who he was even speaking to or that he was speaking to anyone in the first place until he finished reciting the episode and he remembered what the weight in his hand was. “And…that’s it.”

“I always liked reptiles,” his father mused in quiet thought. “Doesn’t get cooler than poisonous saliva, right?” Joseph nodded once more, not bothering to verbalize his answer. “Alright, now, I want you to close your eyes-”

“Why’re you awake?” Joseph cut in quickly, not allowing his fear to stop him now that he had his father on the line. He knew what came next in the process. ‘Close your eyes, slow your breathing, and I’ll talk you to sleep.’ They’d done it more than a million times that Joseph knew the process by heart. But he didn’t want to sleep yet. With the dark nothing but an external force for the time being, he wanted to talk. “You should be sleeping.”

“Eh, we all know no one sleeps in this house. It’s a fucking disease. Plus, there’s always work to be done and since I’m already dead, why waste my second life sleeping?”

“You’re taking that way too well.” For one thing, his mother sure as hell had not taken the news well. She’d accepted him as the freak who took things from his dreams but she hadn’t been able to handle her dead husband. But Joseph couldn’t find a way to blame her anymore. “Creepily well.”

“Can I ask a few questions or are you going to hang up on me again?”

If Joseph hadn’t been planning on it before, he might’ve now just to be contrary. “Guess it depends on the questions and my mental stability. I’ve broken my phone a lot this past week and I’d really prefer I didn’t do it a third time. Walmart’s probably wondering why I keep needing to buy another while simultaneously hating me for the ability to buy another one.”

“I’d ask but I have a feeling that could lead to anger so let’s just avoid that.”

“Sounds gouda,” Joseph replied before he even realized what slipped out of his mouth, wincing when he did. Fucking Skov. That was his damn phrase of late and it poisoned everyone’s tongues now.

“I’m…also not going to ask about that,” his father laughed, the sound of a clink echoing in the background. “Anyways, this might be me reaching…but is there any chance your dyádo knew?”

Huh, the man was always smart but he was even smarter than ever proven apparently. Joseph wasn’t going to let him know that of course. “What makes you think that?”

Silence met his words but it was one of those silences where Joseph could hear gears turning in his father’s mind. Eventually, the man settled for a simple “Just curious.”

“You’re gonna have to do better than that.”

“Your grandfather was an interesting man who sometimes left interesting things lying about that were found by a certain nosy man. A very curious nosy man who a few months ago found his second and third researching someone whose activities and descriptors sounded much like things the nosy man would find left about by the older man.”

Joseph rubbed his face while shaking his head. “Jesus Christ, man, if I didn’t know what the hell you meant then I’d be so fucking lost right now.” He paused to let the thoughts that straggled behind in his head catch up. “Dyádo…like what kind of things?”

“He’d buy stuff. Weird things and as insane as it sounded to me, eventually I just figured there’s some goddamn magic in this world that I wasn’t privy too. I started dropping hints to him that I knew something,” his father paused, sipping something, with Joseph internally praying it wasn’t alcohol as stupid as it sounded, “then he’d get pissed at me.”

“Meaning you were actually onto something.”

“Exactly. And now I know that I was. I mean, I’m dead but hey, I love being proved right.”

He lost his thought as his bathroom suddenly flickered on and the gentle _hummm_ of the electricity coming back sounded softly throughout the house. With the coming of light came the release of tension in his body as he slowly uncurled himself and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Still there?”

“Sorry,” Joseph murmured, still reveling in the loss of pure darkness. The tightness that had held his heart eased and the pain of breathing became null. “Enjoying the electricity for a moment.”

“Came back? That’s good.”

It was kind of funny because it sounded like his father sounded worried. Like this wasn’t what he wanted which really made no sense because what-

Ah.

“I’m…not hanging up yet. You haven’t pissed me off.”

“Oh, well that’s good then. Very good,” his father snorted, amusement Joseph missed hearing vibrating through his deep accented voice. “So…”

With a tired and stressed huff releasing all the air in his crappy lungs, Joseph rolled onto his back and stared up at his ceiling. A realization was dawning on his just from holding conversation with his father and it wasn’t one he was proud of.

He wanted to go home.

Joseph didn’t care for acceptance, he didn’t care for any of that shit, he just wanted to go home. He wanted to be in his city, in his house, in his damn room, and be surrounded by the familiars of his life. He was tired of whatever this was. Really, he was always tired. Tired of this, of that, of life.

Just tired.

And the thing was, Joseph didn’t see that bone aching exhaustion leaving him alone anytime soon. Which wasn’t fair because well, just because. He didn’t even have real friends here and his school sucked and the people he did want to be his friends didn’t want him. Blue had dumped him just for a damn fucking kiss that hadn’t even happened and Ronan would barely even look at him if fucking Dick or trailer trash were around. How were they better than him?

“Brat, you still with me?”

“Do you ever wonder what it is about me and you that people don’t like?”

“Uh…”

“Like, why can’t we make friends?” Joseph asked, genuinely curious because he just didn’t understand it. The only real friend he’d had was Emilio and that was because Emilio was so outgoing that he’d pushed for that connection. The guys here would dump him without second notice, he wasn’t stupid. They hung out, sure, and they all acted like they cared but he wasn’t fucking stupid. “What’s wrong with me? I’m nice and I’m generous and I like to think I’m funny. Those are all nice friend qualities.”

“Joseph-”

“And I’m creative and I’m smart and I can carry a conversation on a good day. Aren’t those friend things? I’m nice, nicer than all the fucking assholes here, and I’m the one who has no friends. I’m the worthless chump who’s always dumped on the side of the fucking road-”

“Brat,” his father cut in with a much stronger voice than he’d been using before. Strong enough to make Joseph and his skittering brain to talk a pause. With a much softer tone, he said “There’s nothing wrong with you and if they don’t want to be your friend-”

“How can you sit there and say that?” he snapped as he sat up, clutching Mr. Cat so tight that if he’d been thinking, he might’ve been worried that his nails would go through the delicate aged fur. “You’d never be my friend.”

His father sounded genuinely shocked. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re-”

“Because I’m FUCKING GAY!” Joseph shouted into the quiet night, poor Mr. Cat getting tossed off into some random corner in the process as he flew to his feet from his frustrations despite the cold. It was like his fear of the dark boiling inside except angrier and hotter. “I’m a fucking faggot, Ivo! I want to love a boy! I’ve tried and tried and tried fucking _tried_ to love a stupid girl and you know how I end up feeling?”

“Joseph-”

“Do you or don’t you? I feel disgusting!” he snapped viciously, the feeling of disgust literally climbing up his body as he paced. “I feel so fucking dirty every time I have sex with some bitch I don’t remember because I figure if I sleep with enough of them, I’ll like them! But I don’t! Because I can’t change what I am! I’m a fag! I have a crush on a boy at school, for fuck’s sake!”

The realization struck him so hard that he froze and stared at himself from afar in his mirror, his face never looking more confused in its life.

Fuck.

He had a crush on Lynch.

“I…have a crush on Lynch?” Joseph muttered to himself, completely forgetting he’d just been yelling at someone less than a second earlier. “No way. He’s an asshole.” Scratching his head through his mess of hair, Joseph considered this apparent discovery. As Jiang had put it a million times, Lynch wasn’t exactly his type. It wasn’t because he was white because Joseph wasn’t a fucking racist but he just…Lynch _was_ handsome… “What the fuck is my type? Maybe me and Jiang really do need to have this conversation…”

Blinking hard at his reflection, Joseph paled and looked at the thing still in his hand. “Fuck, phone’s still open.” He heard a faint call of ‘wait, wait, wait’ but Joseph was onto something right now. Hanging up, he tossed his phone to the side, somewhere on the floor. “That takes care of that. Thanks, Ivo.”


	110. Chapter 109

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> 12 days of Christmas starts Tuesday! Don't forget! You guys get a chpt everyday for TWELVE DAYS  
> Hopefully haha. I might cut it short BUT STILL YOU GET AT LEAST SIX DAYS  
> For sure
> 
> Idk if yall need the hint hint but if you do, by the time you reach the end of this, the ley line has been awakened. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"You’re gonna tell mister donut loving sheriff that with this money, he’s going to leave me alone. How’s that sound?”_

Something was brewing in the Henrietta air, or rather, just in Henrietta in general. It was polluting the atmosphere and Joseph didn’t like it.

He didn’t like it because it felt…magical. Some people would say that such a thing wasn’t possible, that even if magic did exist, it wouldn’t be felt in the air. But see, those people were wrong. Because Joseph felt it. Something had been popping and crackling for the past couple days, like something big was happening, was going to happen, or had happened. The air tasted sort of like…when a person had a dish of food and there was that one underlying flavor that they just couldn’t figure out.

Now if that person was anyone but Joseph and probably Ronan, they wouldn’t know what the fuck they were tasting because magic had never crossed their senses before.

Henrietta had dragged Joseph here, tugged on his subconscious somehow, kept him here again and again, and now it felt like it was time. For what, Joseph had no idea, but Henrietta was feeling like it was bracing itself.

“Hey, princess!” Joseph greeted with a smile, once his window and Lynch’s were both open. “Care for a little fun? Not the kind Dick gives you but fun nonetheless.”

With the realization that he just might have a crush on Lynch, Joseph had taken to watching the boy a little closer. Specifically, watching how he interacted with his best buddies. He didn’t see anything new but he felt like there was something he was missing. What also came with the realization of his possible crush was that if Lynch found it Joseph was a fag crushing on him, he’d get his face beaten in.

Straight boys did not like it when fag boys got their gay on.

Or so he’d heard.

Scratching at his arm under his bracelets, Ronan snorted “There’s no fun in always winning.”

That, that there? Was a fucking lie, thank you. Joseph had won plenty of times. True, Lynch was one hell of a challenge but he wasn’t a fucking god, goddamn him. “Cute. Race? I have better things to do than wait on you.”

He didn’t but he’d never tell.

“Fine, fine,” Lynch smirked with his sharklike grin. “Didn’t know you were so eager to lose.”

“Fuck you,” he laughed with real joy. Step by step and they’d get there. Dreamer for dreamer.

 

 

“News flash of the day that’s totally gouda,” Skov said as he bounced over to them where they stood in the courtyard. Green, if someone was looking for the proper Aglionby term. No one ever was because Aglionby was shit of course. “Ready, ready?”

“Go for it,” Joseph yawned. His nights were spent either sleepless, exhausting, or terrifying, and well, last night had been every one of those. Not to mention that he was still pissed which hadn’t changed since Friday. He’d fucking lost to fucking Lynch and the fucker had laughed and driven away. Joseph hadn’t caught sight of him the entire weekend so the hate had the opportunity to fester. “Better be good.”

“Oh it is,” Skov laughed, his thumbs hooked in the little loops that were at the end of his backpack straps. “Okay, so-”

“It probably sucks balls,” Jiang interrupted as he took a bite out of his cookie. “And I bet it’s about cheese.”

His theory was proven true just by Skov’s face turning red. Cheese was the new obsession apparently. “Just shut up and let me talk.”

“Let the puppy talk,” Joseph snorted as he lit up a cigarette. “He’s got important shit to say. Cheese news is always interesting.”

“Thanks,” Skov said with a smile before turning his attention to the other boys while pointing at Joseph. “At least K here gets it. I always knew he’s smarter than all of you fools.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You should be,” the little blonde that was just a little taller laughed. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he said “Anyways, news flash.” He gave Joseph a sharp smile, “You’re gonna like this one, K. It’s all about cheese and drugs.”

Admittedly, he was curious because that sounded cool but he was slightly offended at the thought that he’d only be interested because of the mention of drugs. “Go for it.”

“So when cheese is digested in the body, it breaks down into a certain protein fragment that includes a certain something something.” Eyes sparkling in nerdy excitement, Skov bounced in place as he asked “Guess what it is.”

Joseph actually took a minute to consider this, like the other boys. Chemistry wasn’t his forte but he wasn’t bad at it either…protein fragment? And it had something to do with drugs? About to ask for a hint, Joseph was stopped before he even had the chance as Jiang’s eyes suddenly opened wide in a lightbulb moment and he burst out “Opioid peptide! Containing opium like heroin and morphine!”

Skov deflated just a bit, probably hoping no one would get the answer. “Well, yeah. Nice job,” he muttered grudgingly.

“So if I eat cheese…” Swan drawled, a big smile on his face as he munched on his apple, “why ain’t I getting high?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Skov sighed, crossing his arms in defeat, his bubble now burst.

Poking the younger boy in his shoulder after a long drag and a failed attempt at smoke rings, Joseph snorted “C’mon, give us another. Jiang ruined your thunder.”

Brightening just a little and turning to look up at Joseph with round hopeful eyes, Skov asked “Really? Two in one day?”

“Eh, sure.”

“Yes!” he shouted in triumph, a fist raised to the sky. A couple boys on the green gave them weird looks but that was hardly anything new. Resuming his excited bouncing, he said quickly “Okay, okay, okay. Cheddar cheese.”

“What about it,” Proko yawned.

“It’s not actually orange! Like naturally, it’s not orange! Cool or what!”

Proko seemed disturbed by this revelation. With a face marginally disgusted if the curl of his lip was anything to go by, Prokopenko asked “Then…what the fuck am I eating?”

“It’s all just a load of spices,” Skov said in a superior tone, so proud that he had a news flash that no one knew about. “Cheddar is actually naturally off-white.”

“I’ll admit,” Joseph said as he stamped out his cigarette stub, “I am intrigued, puppy. You’ve got-” Squinting, he stared across the green with the realization that yes, that motherfucking tall ass bastard was Mr. Ronan Lynch. And of course, right by his fucking side, was fucking Dick Gansey. “Lynch!”

The piece of shit’s head didn’t even bother turning although Gansey’s did as he glanced around, trying to find the owner of the shout.

“Lynch!” he called again, trying to gain some damn attention from the bitch who wouldn’t give him the damn time of day. “I’m going to fuck you up!”

Still nothing and by that point, he could even make out the Irish boy anymore.

Fucking ass.

Swan was shaking his head with a side as he tossed his apple core into the trash – a three pointer if there ever was one – and said as he walked off “See y’all later. Class awaits.”

“Yeah, asses moving,” Prokopenko added as he grabbed Skov’s arm and tugged him away in the direction of their class. “Let’s go, Blake.”

With just him and Jiang left, neither of them caring for their possible tardiness, Jiang crossed his arms and cocked his head, a curious light in his eyes. “You’re fucking obsessed.”

Flicking an annoyed glance at the other boy, Joseph snorted in annoyance “No I’m not.”

Jiang pointed at him with a long thin finger. “Yes you damn are. And look, man, that’s okay. We all get crushes though I tend to go for guys who aren’t a complete waste of time. I’m smart that way.”

Scratching his head and settling for crossing his arms, Joseph bit his lip and wondered if he was really going to venture himself into this conversation. Ignoring the jitters in his heart that were trying to make him panic from talking about this in the middle of school, Joseph asked softly “Waste of time?”

“C’mon, man, you think Lynch will be good for you? I don’t think so. He sure as hell won’t be what you need.”

“And…what exactly do you think I need?” Joseph asked curiously. Jiang would never know that Lynch was something no one could ever be to Joseph but if he thought there were other important factors, Joseph was willing to listen. “I don’t need anything in particular.”

The look on Jiang’s face was saying that he’d never met someone so stupid in his life. “You need someone who’s going to be alert to every one of your nuances. Someone who knows how to calm you down, knows when you actually feel like talking, or any other shit. Know how to handle you and love you. Lynch sure as fuck will not give you any of that.”

Glancing off in the direction Lynch and Gansey had disappeared to, Joseph took a moment to think about this. There was no way Jiang could actually know that. And plus, maybe Joseph wasn’t that high maintenance?

Emilio laughed all the way back in Jersey, the beauty of it echoing off in the distance.

Okay, so Joseph was a little high maintenance but _still_. Maybe Ronan was all hard exterior and squishy on the inside? And anyways, they had a larger problem than that. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyways. He’s not gay.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Jiang mused quietly, chewing on a pencil that Joseph didn’t even know where it’d come from. “You never know. Pretty sure it was a figure skater or something who said every man is just a little gay.”

A huge sarcastic snorting laugh erupted from Joseph. “Yeah okay, tell that to my father, yeah? He’ll torture you for days for just insinuating that he’s slightly faggish.”

Jiang shrugged as they started to walk to class, the warning bell chiming throughout the large school. “Torture me or not, I like to believe it’s true. He ever tell anyone they looked handsome? That they looked sharp in a suit or something?” Joseph shrugged because he had no clue but he was sure it’d happened. It was normal to compliment people if you were a decent human being.

Ivo wasn’t but he liked to play like he was.

“See? That there is his homosexual side appreciating a man.”

“That simple, huh?”

“That simple, bae.”

If only it really were that simple, more than half the problems in Joseph’s life would be solved.

 

 

For the billionth time in a matter of the passing of a few weeks, Joseph jolted awake. His nightmares were getting worse and worse as the nights went by to the point where the physical toll was so evident that Skov had deemed him a walking corpse. He looked _that_ bad.

He didn’t have tired bags under his eyes, rather, his eyes had just sunken into the depths of his face with the black surrounding them so dark that it looked like Joseph did a bad job with his smokey eye look.

That fucking bad.

Joseph had even lost weight from the stress of his mind. He was beyond paranoid, everything made him jump and his grades were failing so bad – for Aglionby standards – that he was considering having a meeting with Child and bribing him to let him stay in school. There was less than a month left and if he let himself flunk out now, he was stupider than he already knew he was.

The passing weeks didn’t just bring nightmares and stress and all around crappiness to his life, they brought a shit ton of frustration too. Frustration because suddenly, he was no good for Lynch. Suddenly Lynch was busy twenty-four seven with Dick, trailer trash, and that smudgy freak who came around once in a while. Suddenly, Joseph was worthless all over again and it damn well pissed him off because if anyone was supposed to understand him, it was the boy who could dream like him. What the fuck did fucking Dick Gansey the fucking third know about dreaming and dreamers?

Nothing, that’s what. And for Lynch to still choose that prissy bitch over him was infuriating.

Rubbing his face harshly in the slight glow emanating from his bathroom, Joseph sighed heavily into his hands. Sleep wasn’t finding him anytime soon so why the fuck was he wasting his time in bed? It was doing him no good besides bringing even more stress than before. He might as well do _something._

A race. A race would be good. The rush of adrenaline was always nice and there was winning of course. Winning always made him feel good. Hell, winning made everyone feel good.

Decided, Joseph got to his feet and went and turned on his room light, partially blinded for a moment before putting a hat on his head and shoes on his feet. No one cared if he looked like a mess; they were in it for the race, not the fucking looks. Grabbing his phone and wallet, he rubbed Walnut goodbye before he went to check on his mother. Finding her sleeping softly, Joseph bounced down the stairs and out the door, ready for some adventure.

“How is there not a single…” Joseph trailed, scanning the streets for literally the millionth time. There was no one out and now even racing was pissing him off. “Fuck life, goddammit. Oh hey! Hello, Mr. Charger.” He pulled his purring Evo up beside a gorgeously black Charger, revving the engine to get the driver’s attention. The Charger revved back and that was that.

They were ready.

Waiting for the light, Joseph shut off the air condition and hoped he didn’t suffocate before he won. Henrietta weather changed so fast. Just a few weeks ago, he was actually cold and now, mid-May, and he was covered in sticky sweat.

Fucking Henrietta.

Joseph’s eyes darted to the opposite light, his foot and hand ready for the launch. “And…now!”

Both of them slammed into gear and exploded from the light. The rush he’d been looking for had been found and winning was on his doorstep. Even more so when the Charger suddenly veered the wrong way, slowing down, and disappearing into the night. “What the fuck?” he murmured, slowing as he glanced in the direction of where the car had vanished. “Why-”

Lights flashed behind him, reflecting nice and bright in his rearview mirror.

Red and blue lights to be exact.

“Fuck!” he snapped in irritation, slamming the steering wheel before he veered himself onto the fucking shoulder of the road. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He hadn’t been arrested in forever and he never had gotten more than warnings for racing. Who was this stupid fuck who wanted to cause problems?

Waiting impatiently and so incredibly thankful that he’d forgotten his stash of coke at home, Joseph rolled down his window when the officer tapped on it with their fancy ass flashlight. “Yes, officer?”

The woman flashed her light in, giving him a smile. “Care to tell me how fast you were going?”

Making sure he kept his hands on the wheel, Joseph replied “Can’t say I know. Was enjoying it before I was interrupted.” He snapped his jaw shut, stopping himself before he could be arrested for contempt. “How fast was I going, ma’am?”

“Pushing eighty, actually. On a road that’s thirty-five.”

Could’ve been worse. “Ah.”

The cop nodded, “Ah. License and registration, please.”

Sighing because he could tell he wasn’t getting out of this one, Joseph slowly reached to his glove compartment and took out his registration, handing it over. He was only a little nervous because it’d passed inspection before but this cop seemed to be a smart one. Maybe she knew how to spot a forgery? There was no registration for a damn dream car. “And here,” he added, handing over his actually legit license.

He’d figured he might one day need that one to be real.

“So…?” he asked as he watched her take down his information.

“Out of the car, please.”

Aw fuck. “I’ll take my ticket, officer. Won’t happen again. Cross my heart.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed in amusement, writing down a few more things before closing her little notepad and putting it away, keeping his license and registration. Stepping away, she opened the door. “Let’s go, Jersey.”

Groaning because this was not the way his night was supposed to go, Joseph got out slowly with his hands up, already knowing the drill as he turned around and set his hands on the roof. “Can we make the touching part fast, please? Can I just empty my pockets? I just have my phone anyways.”

“No, I got it, thank you,” she replied, her hands suddenly just above his waist. They felt horrible on his skin, even with the fabric of his shirt between them, his stomach ready to revolt with the nothingness inside of it. But she was nice enough about the search, completing it quickly and efficiently. And appropriately. Joseph had watched a video once of a cop who literally stuck his finger in a guy’s ass crack to feel him up and Joseph had spent the night vomiting in fear.

But this lady was nice, thank God.

Taking his phone and putting it on the roof of his Evo, she pulled his hands behind his back, slapping the cuffs on. “Lose any more weight and cuffs won’t stay on you. Do you eat, kid?”

She almost sounded concerned. “On occasion,” he answered with a shrug as she dragged him to her squad car. The officer opened the back door and helped him in before slamming it closed and sentencing him to his doom.

Fuck.

“I’ll just get out on bail,” he muttered sullenly as she got in. “What’s the point.”

“Ah, but it’s not about you.”

“Huh?”

With a laugh as she turned on her car, the officer explained “You may go back to walking these streets in the morning but you’ll be doing just that, Jersey. Walking. I’m getting that car impounded.”

Joseph’s jaw dropped open in shock. She…what now? She couldn’t do that, could she? Well, technically, she could but… “But-”

“Hope you like walking.”

“Fuuuuuuuck,” he groaned right before every ounce of electricity in Henrietta ceased to exist with a loud and yet ironically quiet _vroooooom_.

It’d take hours before it ever came back.


	111. Chapter 110

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Welcome to the dream thieves, y'all. We are almost done  
> Don't forget 12 days of Christmas starts Tuesday!
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Dick fucking Gansey. Lame ass bitch.”_

He hadn’t exactly spent the month walking but it wasn’t enjoyable either. Technically, he wasn’t even supposed to be driving because his license was suspended but he just made sure that he followed the laws, ironic yeah, so he’d never get pulled over. He’d used his mother’s car since she wasn’t driving anywhere but it just wasn’t the _same._ His Evo was his Evo, a thing of boyish ambition and beauty and it was sitting crying in the fucking police impound lot getting disgustingly dusty. Luckily, he got to pick it up tomorrow provided that today’s court case went well.

Joseph couldn’t believe that he was going to a damn court case. What the hell.

To be honest, he was more than sure that he’d get his car back but he had a plan to make sure that it never happened another time. He didn’t want to suffer through separation anxiety ever again, thank you. Joseph fixed the collar of his button up as he looked at himself in the mirror of his dresser, making sure he looked sharp. Image was everything, especially when it came to judges. He cleaned up well but there was no hiding his too thin body or sunken face.

All he could do was roll with them.

The power outages – nine to be exact because Joseph totally counted – weren’t helping him in any way. If he thought that his nightmares and mental wellbeing had been fucked before, it was nothing compared to his current state. It was like somewhere in Henrietta, a switch had been awakened and now they were paying the price for it. And if Joseph was to trust his gut, he’d say that it was a very magical switch that’d been flicked on. A magical switch that had effects on the small town of Henrietta.

Every day throughout the day, the air hummed with electricity, the ground felt alive with nerves, and the animals seemed far more aware to the world surrounding them than animals should. And of course, there was Joseph whose body was electrified like all his nerves were flaring up and alive, overloaded by whatever had activated in Henrietta. His mind too, blazing to another level of awareness, becoming stronger and more powerful than it’d ever been before.

Thing was that it just meant he had that much less control over it. The severity of his nightmares was getting worse and far too real. It’d come to the point where he was _afraid_ to go to sleep and instead spent his nights wide awake.

Whoever had turned on the magic switch in Henrietta deserved to get their fucking face bashed in.

Sparing just a minute to look quickly out his balcony to check on his mother who was tanning herself at Joseph’s urging because she was scary pale, he went back to his dresser and dialed a number, setting his phone on speaker so he could fix his hair. “Ivo, my man. How are you?”

Ivo was silent for a minute, most likely a very confused minute because them talking was odd and weird and rare, especially because it’d ended so badly last time. “Joseph. Good, and you?”

From the way the man was talking, Joseph knew that he knew that something was wanted. Which, yes, it was. More like needed, really, but all the same. “Good, good. Look, I need a favor.”

“Uhuh.”

Brushing back his freshly showered hair, Joseph continued “But this favor is being asked of Lord Kavinsky and not so much Ivo, if you get my drift.”

“I do though I have a feeling that I’m not going to like it. I never thought I’d see the day where my mechanical engineering veterinarian asks a mob boss for a favor.”

Joseph shrugged, “Do know that if this call is being recorded, they now have pure confirmation of who you are?”

“Oh, they’ve confirmed that years ago. Big whoop. So what do you need?”

“I’m gonna text you a number,” Joseph explained, rubbing some gel on his fingers and lacing it through his hair, “and I need you to call said number and offer a shit ton of money to a donut loving sheriff. You’re gonna tell mister donut loving sheriff that with this money, he’s going to leave me alone. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds like you’ve done something and you want me to buy off law enforcement.”

“Pretty much actually.” Once he was satisfied with his hair, he tucked his shirt into a nice pair of black jeans because it never occurred to him to buy slacks before and went to his closet to pull out his only pair of dress shoes. The one’s from Daniel’s wedding to be exact. “I got arrested a month ago for street racing and my poor Evo’s been in impound this entire time. I’m supposed to get it tomorrow if the judge likes me today.”

“So I buy off the sheriff so you can street race in peace?” Ivo asked, not sounding at all amused by the situation. He’d never wanted Joseph to be anything remotely like him and being that Joseph had a list of crimes to his name, it was already way too late for that. “That it?”

Taking a seat on his bed as Walnut strolled into the room and walked straight to the balcony to lie down, Joseph slipped on his shiny black shoes after a nice pair of socks. “Yup. Surely Lord Kavinsky can do such a simple task. Especially because he wants his son back, doesn’t he? His son just might hate him a little less if he helps out.”

It was low and borderline manipulative but Joseph was in need right now. He wanted his car and he sure as hell didn’t want a repeat. And he was sure Ivo knew exactly what Joseph was doing anyways. So if the person knew that they were being manipulated…did it still count as manipulation?

Joseph didn’t think so.

“Send the fucking number. And since we’re in the mood for some sharp words, I liked you better before you were a fucking piece of trash.”

Getting to his feet and checking to make sure he looked as sharp as could be, Joseph said “Yeah, well, I liked me better too. In fact, I actually liked myself. I find myself revolting now but hey, what are you gonna do, right? Good thing about not liking yourself, Ivo, is that it doesn’t matter if anyone else does.”

“Apparently so,” Ivo replied with a frosty voice before the line clicked shut. Joseph found it amusing that it was him getting hung up on this time. But it didn’t matter right now. He had to get to court.

Texting the number before shoving his phone in his pocket and doing the same with his wallet, he went off to the backyard to bring his mother in before he left.

 

 

“Nervous?” Swan asked as he drove, playing Joseph’s driver for the day. For all the court knew, Joseph hadn’t sat behind a wheel in a month. “You’re looking sharp as fuck, by the way. You need to dress like this more often. Damn, Jiang would freak if he saw you right now.”

“Think I might suddenly become his type?” Joseph laughed, his leg tapping in his anxiety. He was nervous because all the focus was on him, not because he was worried things would go wrong. Also, Ivo hadn’t texted saying that their agreement had worked out yet. “And no.” Swan gave him a glance. “Okay, maybe a little. Just a little.”

“A little is okay. I’ll be in one of the benches behind you, so don’t worry. You got me.”

It actually meant more to him than Swan could possibly imagine. Knowing that there was someone there for him took off a whole weight by itself. “I should be fine. I followed the rules,” Joseph laughed at the ‘yeah, okay’ look he received with that, “ _as far as they know_. So hopefully the judge isn’t an ass. I just want my car, man. It’s my baby.”

Pulling into the parking lot of the courthouse, Swan shut off the car and took a deep breath like he was the one in trouble. “Just…mind your manners, alright?”

“Alright, alright,” Joseph yawned as he got out. Fuck, why wasn’t Ivo texting him? Had it not worked out? There was no way he couldn’t buy the sheriff. It was just the fucking sheriff, for God’s sake. He waited patiently for Swan to lock up before they began their walk to the building and up the stairs. “Manners, charming smile, and I’ll be fine. Totally gouda.”

“Totally gouda,” Swan agreed with a smile as he opened the door and ushered Joseph in. “Please, Mr. Kavinsky, after you.”

Giving his buddy a polite nod with a smirk, Joseph walked in as his pocket vibrated. He pulled it out quickly and breathed a sigh of relief. The relief changed quickly to triumph at winning as he smirked down at the message.

_Done_

Not even bothering to send a thanks because he wasn’t in an indulging mood for this man, Joseph fixed his sleeve cuffs and said to Swan with newfound confidence “Let’s do this.”

They had to sit until a woman was finished with her own case before they called Joseph up. The judge began with introducing the case to the room; street racing, speeding, suspended, blah blah blah.

“It says here you completed your traffic school, young man? And paid your ticket?”

Ugh, that had been the most boring hours of his life. “Yes, si- your honor.” Why were they honorable anyways? What made them special?

The balding man pushed his slipping reading glasses back up his nose as he shuffled a few more papers until finally he looked up at Joseph standing at the defendant stand. “Eighty in a thirty-five.”

He hadn’t realized that he was supposed to say something until the silence carried on too long. “Yes, your honor.”

The judge did not look pleased. No one would but he looked especially miffed. “Street racing is not only a danger to yourself but to the community around you. A serious danger, mind you.” Joseph just nodded, making sure he looked appropriately chastised. “You’ve completed what was required of you so you may go to the DMV to reinstate your license.”

Bam.

“You may also pick up your atrocity of a car tomorrow from the impound lot.”

Bam to the second fucking power although his beauty was not an atrocity, thank you.

“However,” the judge said in such a stern voice that Joseph and his thoughts sobered up to pay attention. “If you are ever caught street racing again, Mr. Kavinsky, not only will your car be taken away but I will have it crushed so flat that it can be used as a carpet for my house. And I will make you watch as it’s crushed like the bug it is just like they do to those rich punks out in California. Do you understand me?”

Joseph couldn’t help himself and his giddy emotions. Ivo had just bought off the sheriff so that wasn’t happening anytime soon. A laugh burst from his lips despite him trying to hold it in for Swan’s sake. The judge turned a shade of irritated red as Joseph replied with a huge shit eating grin “Oh don’t worry, your honor, I’ll never be pulled over _again_.”

And he wouldn’t.

Because he was untouchable now.

“Did you have to laugh at the end,” Swan muttered as they burst out of the court house, Joseph’s redeeming ticket for his car in his hand. It felt so beautiful just to hold the proof that he got to get his car back. “You were doing so well.”

“I ain’t worried,” Joseph replied, the smile still on his face, as they walked to the car. “No charges will ever stick on me again, Swan. I own the police department.” Opening his door and dropping into the tiny Golf, he added “I feel…powerful.”

Swan dropped into the driver’s seat, a skeptical brow climbing up his forehead. He’d changed his hair recently, going for nice tight cornrows that looked nice on his well shaped head. The twists he’d had before and kept for a while had been nice, but this was nicer to Joseph. “Own? What the fuck?”

Waiting until Swan turned on the car and began driving towards the DMV so he could properly build up that sweet tension, Joseph finally answered “I own the police. Ivo bought me the department, in fact. The _sheriff_. It’s almost like a birthday gift.”

Turning eighteen a week ago hadn’t been as monumental as people made it sound. He was officially an adult now but honestly, Joseph felt exactly the same. The only difference was that they wouldn’t be calling his mother when he got in trouble and any crimes he committed would no longer be tried as a juvenile. He’d gotten gifts in the mail from his family and even from Ivo but it didn’t really matter to him. What had mattered was that his mother had actually _remembered_. He’d literally sat there and started crying in so much joy and relief when he’d woken up to her holding a slice of ice cream cake in front of his face.

He hadn’t appreciated the video camera that came from God knew where but he hadn’t found any space between his happiness to be angry about it. Joseph had even let her keep it the whole day, reminding himself that he’d delete the hours long video later.

“He bought the sheriff?” Swan asked in disbelieving shock. “Seriously?”

“Yessir,” Joseph cackled in triumph. “Great, right?”

Shaking his head while still in shock, Swan replied “Jesus Christ.”

“Oh yeah,” Joseph snorted in amusement, about to light up a smoke before he remembered that he’d get a jab in the stomach if he did. Swan hated people smoking in his car. “Christy of all Jesuses.”

“Blasphemy.”

He wanted to note that his entire existence was technically blasphemy because he played God but Joseph decided to skip that note and instead said “So, being that my baby was locked up, it deserves some nice gifts.”

“Oh?” Swan murmured as he focused on merging lanes. “What are we getting it?”

“How about three nice ass coats of the best anti laser paint on the headlights?” Joseph had already made the appointment, having been planning this for days. Swan gave an impressed whistle before Joseph added “And the nicest fancy ass radar that money could buy.”

Just in case.

“Ooooh, baby, we on the top now!”

“Damn straight, princess.”

No one was keeping his beauty away from him again. No one was going to be better than him, triumph over him, or think they were in charge of him anymore.

Joseph was in charge of his own fate starting now. And his fate told him that Ronan Lynch intertwined with him. So intertwined they’d be because they were two of a kind. A matching pair. Ronan would see. Joseph would capture his attention in a grand gesture and the Irish boy would finally realize that they were meant to be.

Dreamer with dreamer. With him, not against.

That’s all he wanted.


	112. Chapter 111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas, I believe Kwanza starts tomorrow, and anything else there may be. Tell me about your celebrations and customs or your gifts or whatever. I'm all ears and always curious.
> 
> And of course, happy start of the 12 days of Christmas! Everyday for the next 12 days, you get a new chapter! The Proko and Emilio schedule will stay the same of every other week
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I saw your POS out front and I remembered I had something for Lynch.”_

His head was ringing.

Joseph’s head was fucking ringing and ringing and goddamn _ringing_.

And it just wouldn’t stop.

Pressing his hands to his ears as if he hadn’t tried that already, he clawed harshly at them, just needing it to _stop._ It’d been doing this since he’d gotten home and he swore to fucking God that if he ever found out who the god fucking damn had flipped the magic on, he was going to beat them so damn bloody that they’d die from it.

“Please, please, please, just stop,” he cried into his bed where he sat folded over. It wasn’t that it was loud or even intrusive but it just kept going and going and going to the point where Joseph wondered if ripping off his ears would help. It was an unending tinnitus going _ring ring ring ring RING._

Another sound joined the first and Joseph was officially convinced that he was going insane. For all he knew, the noises were going to become voices. Then he’d be his father for sure. A bastard, a piece of shit, manipulative-

Wait, that was his phone ringing.

Breathing through his teeth as he sat up and grabbed his phone, he tried his hardest to ignore the ringing echoing throughout his head and answered “What.”

“A little short tempered today, are we?” Prokopenko laughed, never having been one fazed by Joseph’s anger. Especially since forgery Proko was a thousand times more simple than actual Prokopenko had been. “Maybe I can flip that frown upsi-”

“Prokopenko, I will come and fucking shiv you. What.”

“Ohhhhkay… Uh, anyways, I was gonna say let’s hang or something but my health sounds like it’s at risk so I’ll get back to you…?”

Good enough for him. Hanging up without giving a proper response, Joseph gritted his teeth and shut his eyes so hard his entire face scrunched in on itself. He was squeezing his phone so hard that the edges were digging into his palm as the tinnitus became more and more insistent. “Just STOP!” he shouted, his phone becoming a victim once more as it slammed against a wall.

Poor thing.

Practically ripping out his hair, Joseph’s harsh breaths were so loud that it took him a minute to realize that the ringing was gone. Eyes flying open, he glanced around like a startled animal. “Gone,” he whispered, “gone.” He paused to make sure he was right and when he focused on his mind…it was quiet. “Gone,” Joseph said in near hysterical relief as he dropped backwards onto his bed. “Gone!”

His relief, however, only lasted an hour.

The ringing started again while he was doing his mother’s hair, getting her ready for another ‘phone date.’ She seemed to love both the process of getting ready and the actual date itself, making her just a bit more smiley than usual. A good smiley that Joseph appreciated.

“It feels crooked,” she complained, reaching a hand back and feeling along the French braid. “Crooked, Joseph.”

Biting his lip to prevent himself from snapping something in his annoyance from his crappy morning, Joseph undid the nearly finished braid and started over after brushing it out. “Sorry. I’ll fix it. Just-” a ring tingled through his head. He wasn’t even sure if it was actually his ears or not. Maybe it was all in his mind. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said in the best possible tone he could manage. The last thing he needed was her thinking he was upset with her. “Just a…headache.”

“Oh. Okay.”

His regular non-high mother would’ve pestered him until he told but this one seemed satisfied with his evasive answer. Finishing her braid as fast as possible before he bolted out of the room into his and slammed the door once he was in. Joseph came to a stop in the middle of his room, now seriously considering bashing his own head in. He needed it to stop, something to just shut his brain-

Darting to his nightstand and practically ripping the drawer open, he yanked a bag of coke out and set up the worst line in the world atop it. The mess didn’t matter; he just needed something to shut down his head. What was better than drugs? Vacuuming up the line as fast as possible, Joseph crumpled onto the floor and held his head in his hands, on the verge of tears. He didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him but he just needed it to stop.

“Just stop,” he pleaded, clutching his head tight as he felt the slow creeping of his high coming on. It was taking more and more to get high and he was pretty sure that was a bad thing. But he had no idea how to help himself out of that sort of situation except rehab and that was a fucking no no, thank you. “Just…” he lifted his head, a smile growing on his face, “stop…”

He grabbed his baggie of cocaine and gave it a kiss. “I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

 

 

Within just a couple days, Joseph’s drug habit had gotten worse than it’d been in months. But it was the only thing that shut the damn ringing off so to him, the exchange was definitely worth it. “I hate Henrietta.”

“This is news to no one,” Proko snorted in laughter, looking a weird kind of relaxed that Joseph didn’t like. In another month, they’d be going on the anniversary of his death and really, Joseph wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. “But what do you particularly hate this fine afternoon?”

“What fine afternoon?” Joseph replied with an eyeroll as they drove down the highway. They’d been driving aimlessly after having lunch just on the basis of being bored and that they could. There were worse reasons. “This weather is bullshit, man. I feel disgustingly sticky and I’m in a damn tank top.”

Prokopenko hung his arm out the window and watched the passing scenery and very occasional car before rolling it back up with the decision that it was way to fucking hot not to use air conditioning. The highway was empty for this time of day but Joseph wasn’t complaining. No traffic equaled happiness. “Well, your body temp does run like fifty degrees above normal. Just sayin’.”

“Whatever,” Joseph muttered in annoyance as he switched gears, speeding up for the fun of it. Speeding stayed exclusively for fun until he saw such a gorgeous sight to see.

A bright ass orange Camaro.

Dick Gansey.

“Well, well, well!” Joseph exclaimed in glee, hoping that his crappy days were about to have a bit of sunshine lighting it up. The Camaro was a beast and would be a hell of a challenge so Joseph would be happy if he won just on that basis but because it was _Gansey_ , he’d be even happier. Hell, he’d kiss Jiang in his happiness.

He’d be that damn happy.

Because beating Gansey was like proving a point to Lynch.

“Dunno if we can beat a Camaro,” Proko said in warning as Joseph sped up. “Unless there’s a shit ton of people in there and you did some magic under your hood.”

Joseph didn’t care about the logistics; he wanted his chance. He was going to take his chance while the opportunity presented itself so nicely. Pulling into the lane directly beside the Camaro, Joseph stuck his hand out the window and above the roof, a greeting given by one choice finger. “They ain’t looking,” Proko notified as if Joseph couldn’t see. “Grab his attention.”

Yeah, he could do that. Pulling his hand back in, he shot his car forward, only to drop back in the next instant, repeating this maneuver a few times until he was sure he was noticed. “Look, there’s Lynch bitch!” God, if he won? It’d taste even _sweeter_ with Lynch being in the car. It’d sort of be like ‘hey, Lynch, I’m obviously better than the dick beside you!’ “Roll down your window.”

His buddy obliged, pushing the window button as Joseph lined up the Evo so he was window to window with Gansey. The prissy bitch wouldn’t even glance in his direction but Lynch sure was. He was saying something, probably to Gansey and whoever was in the back, looking marginally annoyed like he wanted something. He was such a bitch for Dick three, swear to God.

A lazy smile stretched onto his face because Joseph was the definition of nonchalant. Nonchalant with a bit of personality. “Cunt!” he yelled through the window at Gansey or Lynch, he wasn’t sure which. Maybe both, to be honest. It didn’t really matter who thought the words were for them.

It looked a bit like Lynch was trying to urge Gansey into the race but not once did the other boy turn to look in Joseph’s direction, that pussy. Lynch seemed to be having a conversation with someone in the back, looking a tad frustrated and Joseph knew that he must be losing the battle. “Ah fuck you,” Joseph snorted, doing a ‘go ahead’ with his hand to Proko who had his finger poised over the window switch. There was no point; Gansey didn’t seem like he’d be giving in anytime soon.

Hell, Gansey probably didn’t even know how to race.

“Boring pricks,” Proko snorted as they shot off, leaving Lynch and his crowd of losers in their wake. “Booorring.”

“Cowards is what you mean,” Joseph said with a disappointed shake of his head. “Fucking cowards, man. Who skimps out on a race on the fucking interstate? The fucking practically empty interstate?”

“Dick Gansey.”

“Dick fucking Gansey. Lame ass bitch.”

“I’d say let’s toast to that,” Prokopenko laughed where he slouched in the seat. Only Sasha Prokopenko would know how to slouch in perfectly molding racing seats. “But I do not promote drinking and driving.”

In mock disgust, Joseph did a quick check to make sure there weren’t any cars around before he slammed the brakes. Because he’d known it was coming, he of course managed to brace himself for the sudden stop that was like when a shock of cold water slapped you in the face.

Prokopenko on the other hand…

Clutching his chest in pain and coughing, he turned his angry distressed face at Joseph. He looked laughably pink. “Whyyyy.”

With a giddy smile, Joseph eased off the brake and got them back to moving. “Honestly? It’s just fun!”

“You’re an ass,” Proko coughed, rubbing the sore spot of his chest from the constriction of the seat belt. “Jesus.”

Knowing exactly what his fellow Slav meant but completely disregarding it, Joseph said in a high pitched shocked voice “Sasha! Are you calling Jesus an ass? Shame on you!” He squinted at a car on the shoulder of the highway, its hood up. It was a decently nice Honda meaning it wasn’t an Aglionby boy. “Should...?” he started, leaving the question up in the air for Prokopenko to take care of.

Proko pressed his face to the glass and said as they passed “Oh hey! It’s Tog-man!” Fuck, now Joseph had to go back just based on decency. If he had to be decent to someone, it’d be this man. “We should help him out, K.”

Preforming the most illegal u-turn in the world of illegal u-turns, Joseph spun around and completed another illegality, bringing him and Proko behind the Tog-man on the shoulder of the road. Shutting of his car, Joseph got out, leaving Proko who didn’t look like he was moving anytime soon, and said to the man leaning on his car with phone in hand “Need some help?”

Looking up from his phone, a smile grew on Mr. Tognazzini’s face. It was like ‘I knew you were good bastard somewhere in there.’ Nodding in the direction of his little Honda, he replied “Well, possibly, yes. I’m a science, man, not a car one. Nothing even remotely electrical or mechanical, I should clarify.”

Joseph circled the car and came to a stop at the front, glancing down at the engine that had just a bit of smoke coming out from somewhere. “You had it serviced recently?” Joseph asked as he leaned closer, scanning his eyes around for the specific source of the smoke. “Any of your lights on?”

His science teacher round the car and came to a stop beside him. With a laugh and a sheepish shrug, he answered “The…lights don’t work properly. I never had them fixed. And no, hasn’t been serviced.” He looked down at the engine. “She gives me trouble but she’s special.”

The trouble was far more interesting to him than asking about the car’s history. “Trouble?”

“I have to stop every now and then. She overheats.”

Well, at least it sounded like it’d be a simple problem that Joseph could easily identify. Scratching at his hair that was literally sweating because he was in the bright burning gaze of the sun, Joseph asked “Do you have a towel or something that you don’t mind getting dirty?” Old Joseph knocked on new Joseph’s door in his head, reminding him that he had tools and shit in his trunk. “Actually, hold up.”

Going back to his car and flipping off Prokopenko for the hell of it because the dude was just sitting there eating, Joseph opened the driver’s door and pulled the lever for the trunk, making his way over and grabbing his car towel that had oil spots. He’d washed it a billion times but everyone who worked with cars knew that there was just no getting out those stains.

“Do you know what’s wrong?” Tog-man asked curiously.

“Maybe,” Joseph replied, using the towel to cover his hand as he unscrewed the cap for the coolant. He hadn’t felt heat radiating off the engine which meant it was safe to touch but he liked to be careful. Leaning over and peeking in, he snorted “Do you ever fill this? No wonder your car gets hot. You’re lucky it didn’t blow on you.”

Tog-man actually looked surprised. “Actually, I filled that last week. I remember that one and how to top off oil. It’s the least I can do.”

It really really was. “Alright well, it’s obviously not here so you’ve got a leak somewhere.”

“Nothing dripped directly down from the tank if that means anything.”

Joseph nodded as he considered the diagnosis. He really didn’t want to be wrong, just based on principle. Biting his lip as he thought, he decided that something had to be wrong with the radiator. It seemed the most logical thing. Or at least, the radiator hose? “I’d put water to get you to Boyd’s and tell ‘em to look at your radiator. I think it’s fucked.”

“Really?” Mr. Tognazzini said in surprise, staring down at the entirely wrong thing. Hell, even the entirely wrong direction. Joseph pointed down where the radiator was after clearing his throat. “Oh. Really?”

He couldn’t help the little laugh that came out. “Yeah, I think so. I have a gallon you can put in for now.”

Picking up his head and beaming at Joseph with a huge grin, Mr. Tognazzini stuffed his hands in his pockets. It was weird but he was looking particularly proud right now. And what was even weirder…was that Joseph was appreciating that pride.

It felt _good._

Whether or not that was a good thing was yet to be determined.


	113. Chapter 112

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the second day of Christmas, your favorite writer gave to you...
> 
> A possibly obsessed Joseph  
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Everything in the world according to Kavinsky runs on Kavinsky time. Duh.”_

“Hello.”

Joseph jumped and spun around, his heart in his throat, and feeling like a criminal when they were caught by their mother. Not the police because, generally, that didn’t bring guilt as much as it did anger or annoyance. No, by their mother because everyone always felt ashamed when their moms caught them doing something wrong.

Of course, this wasn’t his mother, not even close, but Joseph was still having that feeling of guilt because he’d just been caught stealing.

And the forest did not appreciate thieves.

“Long time no see,” Joseph said carefully, not sure what Diana’s feelings were like right now. Or more importantly, her temper. “Really long time,” he added as he examined her up and down. She looked the same if not…he wasn’t even sure what the word was. Angry was wrong…maybe something more like…seething? Was that right? “You been avoiding me?”

Diana laughed but it wasn’t a very nice sounding laugh. It was more like the brush of bristles against rough wood. Or a toothbrush on disgusting teeth. Not smooth like a nice laugh or a brush on well taken care of teeth would be. “It’s the other way around, no?”

That wasn’t a lie. Not at all. Joseph made sure to spend as little time as possible in the forest because it was too dangerous to spend more time than absolutely necessary. He made sure to avoid everything and anything that he could. Which wasn’t to say that he actually could because stuff always caught up with him or came out of nowhere, but he tried his best which should count for something.

“What do you want?” he asked, turning back to his current project. Something still seemed…off. The replicas weren’t quite right but Joseph couldn’t seem to… “Too thick,” he realized, smiling with triumph now that he’d finally discovered the problem. This was the third try and he really didn’t want to have to deal with it anymore.

But he had no choice. What Joseph needed to do was give this whole game a bit of a hard nudge, a push closer to a shove, to get everything moving.

He felt like these might be a step in the right direction.

“If you die, so do I.”

Joseph glanced over his shoulder at the redheaded girl now standing right behind him. “Uh…”

“I just want you to remember that. Everything has effects, Joseph. Every single minute action.”

 

 

Giving the push closer to a shove was not as easy as Joseph had expected it to be. He’d been searching for Lynch all day to no avail. How was he supposed to get the damn wheel moving if fate wouldn’t let him? Joseph, it seemed, had been giving way too much credit to the Irish boy. He wasn’t smart and aware _at all_. Joseph had dropped so many damn hints about their shared power that a fucking amateur could’ve figured it out by now. An amateur who’s never even been in any sort of investigative class. Just some shit off the street.

Maybe the dude was just dense? Or maybe he thought that there was no such thing as another dreamer? Joseph had always wanted there to be another like him, just to get that understanding he’d never had in life, but maybe Lynch had just never considered the option. Plus, Ronan had had Niall. A direct connection to someone who shared everything that came with dreaming.

Joseph had never had anyone to share it with. The power, the complexity, the loneliness.

Which was why he wanted Ronan Lynch so bad. Also why the name Dick Gansey pissed him off. Even why he was so pissed nowadays.

Yeah, Lynch was the cause of a lot of problems for Joseph currently. That ass.

Driving aimlessly for way too long, Joseph decided he might as well swing by that creepy building that Lynch and Gansey lived in. If they were anywhere, it had to be at home, didn’t it? How they could even call it a home made no sense to him whatsoever but to each his own. For all he knew, it was gorgeous inside. Maybe it was like those places that only looked industrial on the outside.

But unless Lynch ever invited him in, Joseph would never know.

“Where in the fuck are you?” Joseph muttered in annoyance as he reached the mammoth of a building, even uglier up close than it’d ever been from afar. Not to mention that nighttime made it creepy as fuck. He tapped his fingers on his steering wheel as he stared out at the lot which contained Ronan’s BMW. Thing was, Joseph just knew that he wasn’t home. Gansey’s gorgeous Camaro was gone and typically, they were never one without the other. “Hmm…”

If they were actually together and probably had Parrish with them too…where would they go? If they were anything like Joseph and his boys, they’d go get something to eat because Prokopenko needed to be constantly fed to be happy. But what would Lynch and his bitches do?

He’d seen them at Nino’s a lot…

Nino’s it was then.

The drive to Nino’s was a fast one and spotting the bright orange Camaro in the parking lot was even faster. “Bingo.” Parking and getting out, he made his way to the pizza place and went in. Now, Nino’s was known for a lot of things like its ice tea and raven boys. Joseph had no idea it knew how to break a person too. Because across the room was not only Ronan and his crowd but _Blue._

Blue fucking Sargent who’d told him he was no good because he was a raven boy. That he was no good because he was one of those rich pricks. That he was a fucking _pervert_ who’d tried to take advantage of her. That he was a damn typical raven boy who didn’t care what she wanted. That made him feel like a disgusting lowlife not even worth a kiss.

That Blue.

She was a waitress here, obviously, but she sure didn’t look like she was just taking their orders. No, she had some big box thing and was chatting and the boys were chatting back. They were raven boys – minus Adam because Joseph didn’t think he acted that way – more so than Joseph had ever been to her, and yet there she was. Standing there. Talking. Now looking particularly accusing as she pointed a finger at Lynch, making him look pissed. From the way they interacted, it seemed like they all knew each other. Knew each other well.

Why hadn’t Joseph been good enough for that? Hell, he’d forgiven her and she hadn’t even wanted to be his friend and yet those three bastards were good enough? Why? What were they that he hadn’t been? He’d been so good to her and yet…

Oh, here she came.

Joseph was conflicted; should he call her out on her bullshit or act indifferent? He wanted whatever would make her feel worse because she’d made him feel like shit that was shat upon years ago and now all those feelings had come rushing to the surface like someone who’d barely made it up before they drowned.

Time was up.

Satisfaction like none he’d ever felt filled his chest at seeing her face flash with sinking recognition. Blue obviously wasn’t happy to see him. So he decided to piss her off the best way he knew how.

By treating her like nothing.

“Hey, baby doll,” he greeted, moving closer to her than he knew she was comfortable with. She’d always liked some space and Joseph was very much invading her bubble.

Good.

Blue didn’t quite so much lean back as she looked like she wished that she had some type of protective forcefield. It was all in her extremely flustered face that looked as red as when Joseph talked sex with Emilio. “I’m not a baby doll,” she replied, just a touch of ice to her voice. She sure sounded stronger than she was looking. Pulling out a menu from the hostess stand, she asked “Table for one?”

He didn’t even bother giving her anymore of his time which would end up eating at her. Good fucking riddance. Glancing back over towards the back of the restaurant where the larger tables were, Joseph’s eyes once again caught on Lynch and his crowd. Time to move in. “My party’s already here,” he murmured before making his way over, yanking on Kavinsky to face down some assholes.

The group caught sight of him making his way over and the ease they’d been expressing earlier quickly changed to something else. Parrish didn’t even bother looking at him, seemingly not caring, while Dick three got to his feet and leaned against the table almost daring Kavinsky to come closer. And maybe that was just interesting enough to catch his attention, but it was the light that came alive in Ronan’s eyes that enraptured him. It was like he was the match turning on the flame.

And that meant everything.

Coming to a stop before the crowd, Kavinsky stood with his hand in his pocket, holding the item that’d hopefully get Lynch fucking moving.  Their tabletop was strewn with books, dictionaries to be exact and, really, that was intriguing. Not to mention that box thing that Blue had been holding that was now sitting atop a dictionary. Turning his focus to Gansey instead of the books, he said “I saw your POS out front and I remembered I had something for Lynch.”

Yeah, he was totally playing it up that he hadn’t been looking or that he’d specifically ruined his sleep to make these for Ronan.

Pulling out the tangle of leather from the pocket of his cargo pants, he dropped them in front of Lynch onto the table with a cackling laugh. Lynch eyed the pile for a moment before leaning back and pulling up one of the bands from the pile. He spared a minute to examine it with a disdained eyebrow, probably wondering how in the fuck Kavinsky had come upon exact identicals of his bracelets. Lifting it higher, he said “How sweet, man. It goes with everything.”

“Like your mom,” Kavinsky snorted in amusement. It was slightly cruel because he knew what was wrong with Lynch’s mom but that wasn’t his problem. Everyone had mommy issues around here and he was going to use that to his advantage.

Lynch pointedly ignored the comment, sparing Kavinsky an unamused glance. “What am I supposed to do with them?”

 _Oh I don’t know…realize what they actually are and what they represent???_ Jesus Christ, it seemed like Kavinsky was going to need to give far more than just a simple push to get this fool’s brain awakened. How was he so fucking dense? “Hell if I know,” he responded with a shrug. He wasn’t going to just give answers, especially not with Lynch’s husband and baby in the vicinity. “I just thought of you. Regift them.” What was that one thing where people brought mystery gifts or whatever? It was some animal. “White rabbit shit,” he added, not actually sure if that was the correct animal or not.

“Elephant,” Gansey murmured as though this was his conversation. He obviously didn’t get what Kavinsky was getting at because what the fuck was this about elephants? The only elephant that came to his mind was like…the republicans or something. Unless…it was supposed to be elephant instead of rabbit? That was entirely possible, actually. But he had no plans of letting Gansey be the winner here.

“Don’t bring politics into this, Dick,” Kavinsky said, the line being the best he could conjure up for the situation. It was probably elephant, not rabbit.

Oh well.

As he stared at Lynch and pointedly ignored Gansey, Kavinsky decided to do something he’d been dying to do for-fucking-ever.

Rub that shaved head. It was a weird urge but he was going to give in to it.

Slapping a palm down on Ronan’s head causing the other boy to look like he was literally ready to bite him with that sharklike twisted mouth of his, Kavinsky gave the soft buzz a rub. “Well, I’m out,” he declared with satisfaction, his mission of delivering his clue and rubbing a shaved head now complete. “Things to do. Enjoy your book club, ladies.”

Kavinsky didn’t bother to look back or even at Blue as he walked out. She wanted their time together to be erased and he could so manage that by erasing her. Easy fucking peasy, goddamn bitch. He just couldn’t believe that she seemed to be actual _friends_ with them. How was that fair? How were they more interesting than him?

Well, they sure seemed interesting, what with all those books strewn about. It was below him to admit this, but he would’ve loved to know what all those dictionaries were for. It seemed like they were researching something and it was a known fact of Joseph’s being that he loved to research. It had to have something to do with that box.

That dream box.

Yeah, he’d felt it. The _otherness_ of it. The magic air had radiated off it, striking Joseph right in the face like a brutal punch. He didn’t know if anyone could feel it but that box had come from Lynch’s brain. And if Lynch was smart, he’d realize the bracelets Joseph had given him had that same feeling.

But honestly, he didn’t think Lynch was smart enough. Or at least, he just didn’t understand the science to it all. Maybe that was why he hadn’t caught onto Joseph’s clues yet? Maybe he just wasn’t versed in it all. Not to say that Joseph was because look at him. He was a fucking mess when it came to his mind. But he probably knew more about it than Lynch did…

Possible.

Well, then Joseph would need to give him a proper lesson soon.


	114. Chapter 113

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the third day of Christmas, your too short writer gave to you...
> 
> A very angry Joseph
> 
> P.S. Think of Noah and Dollar City and this'll make sense  
> P.P.S. If things dont make sense, make sure you ask. I've got the whole science planned out
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _"Swan looked like he was about to cry and say a death prayer.”_

With a stuttering cough, the power went out.

“Oh fuck you,” Joseph snorted as he and his rumbling car sat at a now dead stoplight. Unlucky for him and the three people ahead of him. This was the busiest intersection in Henrietta which was to say that it was a bit like the traffic one would find at a small intersection in Jersey.

Pathetic.

These days, it felt like the power went out more than it spent time staying on. Ask anyone in town and they’d say that it was all HEPCO’s fault. They didn’t know how to properly wire electricity lines or whatever. If they’d been smart enough to ask Joseph’s opinion on the matter, he’d tell them that what used to be sleeping magic in Henrietta had been awakened but someone probably fucked something up to make it unstable.

But no one asked so he didn’t tell.

“Fuck you, magic,” Joseph said only to break out into a yawn which automatically killed whatever vigor he’d had a second ago. He slammed his horn impatiently because the fucker in front of him was too afraid to take their turn. Rolling down his window, letting in the disgustingly hot stickiness of Henrietta, Joseph slammed his horn again and shouted out the window “Fucking go, fuckshit!”

Thankfully, that got the car moving and out of his way. When Joseph’s turn was up, the light flickered back to life with the power returning. It felt like an undercurrent ran through the ground and if it were possible to see power surges, Joseph was convinced he’d see the electricity winding up the light poles, pulsing them back to life.

Fucking magic switch.

With an exuberant amount of sighs, Joseph eventually made it home. He completed all the things that came with coming home like feeding the dog, feeding the mother, cleaning, and putting them both to sleep. When it came his turn to prep for sleep because naps were life, Joseph deviated just a touch from his routine.

“Hardcore, here we go,” he murmured as he held a glaringly bright red pill in hand. It was a day meant for dreaming if only for the simple fact that he wanted to grab something odd to get Lynch’s gears turning. Dear Lord, was that one dense as fuck. He tossed the pill into his mouth and grabbed the cup of water off his nightstand, washing the pill down before quickly setting the cup back where it was. Sleep happened fast with the red pill so he had-

“Fuck,” Joseph muttered, rubbing his elbows which had taken the worst of his tumble into dreamland. He hadn’t come in with a specific idea but he figured that the air of a dream would help him think of something perfect. It had to be both weird and impossible to catch Ronan’s attention but it also couldn’t just be completely outlandish or ridiculous. It had to be just the right amount of in between.

Getting to his feet and breathing in that dream smell, Joseph made sure to move as silently as possible between the trees who were typically his worst enemy besides himself. It was kind of ironic because the Ents were one of his favorite parts of Tolkien’s work and yet here he was with his own tree enemies.

Stupid irony.

His walk was a surprisingly long uninterrupted one which made Joseph unsure if this was a good thing or not. On the one hand, he wasn’t being attacked but on the other…why wasn’t he?

“Because I want to chat.”

Joseph froze at the sound of the voice before he ever so slowly turned around, putting on a nervous smile for his great grandfather who he hadn’t seen in months. Who’d dumped him after Proko had been killed when Joseph had made the wrong decision in the game of life. “Why hello.”

His prádyádo didn’t bother wasting time with pleasantries. “Do you feel it?” On basic principle, Joseph tried his best not to feel things. Sensing this response, Atanas scrunched his nose much in the same way that Joseph’s grandfather used to. “Focus, child. Do you feel it?”

Deciding to amuse this man for moment because he was too curious to not wonder why he’d shown up after almost a year, Joseph said “You mean the magic? The surges?”

Much like the pride that had been in Mr. Tognazzini’s eyes, the pride that met him in his great grandfather’s made him feel…amazing. It gave him that hit of something that he’d been craving all his life. “Yes. You’ve been here for years, wasting and wasting your potential,” he put a hand up to stop Joseph from speaking, “and that’s fine. We’ve moved on. But now? Now, Joseph, is the time.”

“For…?”

The pride dampened to Atanas’ usual completely unimpressed face. “Your potential. What did I just get through saying?”

“Right. My potential. Because crazy surging magic is going to help me reach it?”

It surprised him when Atanas covered his face with both hands and groaned so loud that one would think he was an elephant in distress. He’d only ever seen this man in his element. Utterly cool like a frozen cucumber that lived in Antarctica. “Every time I think that you are smart…” Atanas made another echoing groaning noise before rubbing his face harshly and removing his hands. “Okay, that’s okay. You just need to stop being so stubborn, spend a little time learning-”

Joseph squinted at the man in front of him who suddenly looked…pale? And confused. Definitely confused and maybe a little pale. “What?”

He wasn’t quite sure what the man was doing but it almost felt like he was stretching out his mind fingers and feeling around. Joseph wanted to point out that he could feel him searching, just to prove that, yes, he did have a bit of a brain but he was too focused in watching the confusion.

Atanas _never_ looked confused.

“Prádyádo?”

“It feels almost like…”

 _Like I’m drowning_.

It took a second for Joseph to realize that the thought was his own. It took another to acknowledge a sharp pain striking him through the chest. Clutching his shirt atop the pained area, Joseph screamed.

And then everything went black.

 

* * *

 

“I hate when he does this,” Finlay muttered at his phone and kind of to Jiang who was sitting on John’s bed. “What’s the point of a phone if you’re not going to answer, ass?”

Jiang bellowed out a sarcastic laugh before turning his head and giving a pointed glance at Finlay. “What kind of idiot are you? Everything in the world according to Kavinsky runs on Kavinsky time. Duh.”

That was partially true because K didn’t allow people to tell him how things went but he was usually pretty good when they made plans. The plan had been to play baseball and Kavinsky had been really excited about it too. It was evening, closer to night really, but K had figured out how to turn on the stadium lights – when they weren’t surging by themselves – and they were all eager to play on an actual proper field.

“Yeah but he was as excited as we were. He wouldn’t skimp out on us.”

Lifting his head just enough to give Finlay a ‘how fucking stupid are you’ look, Jiang replied “You didn’t seriously just say that Kavinsky, fucking _Kavinsky_ , wouldn’t skimp out on us, did you? Tell me that’s not what I just heard come out of your usually smart mouth.”

Okay, it sounded stupid… “Fine, lemme rephrase. Kavinsky wouldn’t skimp out on _baseball_.”

“Muuuch better.”

Tapping his phone on his raised knee where he was sitting on his bed, Finlay made to play with the twists in his hair until he remembered that they were gone. It was like a fucking learning curve for God’s sake. He spared a glance at the dark screen of his phone before getting up and slipping on his sandals.

“No, no, no,” Jiang admonished as he jumped out of John’s bed and nearly tackled Finlay to the floor. He probably would’ve been able to too if Finlay wasn’t just that much taller. “Stay put. He doesn’t want to answer, it’s his fault.”

“Maybe he can’t answer,” Finlay said, working himself out of Jiang’s tight embrace, with the image of K holding a gun to his head flickering to life in full detail. “Maybe he doesn’t want to because of something bad.”

Worry prickled in his chest. Everything was good right now, wasn’t it? Last he’d seen Kavinsky, both he and his head had been in a good place with lots of laughs. What was the chance that had changed so quickly?

Finlay preferred not to leave that in the hands of chance.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jiang snorted, giving up his tackle but planting his butt right in front of the door. The problem with their entire crowd was that they were all so fucking stubborn. Even Skov who was the pup of the group. “Why wouldn’t he answer besides being an ass?”

Biting his thumbnail before quickly pulling his hand away because he was trying to break the habit and technically, Jiang was allowed to hit him when he did it, Finlay considered what he wanted to say carefully. K wouldn’t want the truth out but…it’s not like his self-harm tendencies were all that secret. They all’ve seen the scars. “Maybe…he’s doing something.”

Jiang’s forehead went so high with the movement of his eyebrows that he had a second forehead. “Like?”

Sighing in defeat, Finlay answered “He knows that when I text, he has to answer-”

“You special or something?”

“He knows because if he doesn’t answer, I go to his house.”

“Aw, fucked up!” Jiang said, actually looking a little jealous. “How come you get to go? I ain’t never been once, man.”

He didn’t have time for this. “The point is, he knows he has to answer me because I’ll come checking on him.” Leaning back on the door, Jiang didn’t look impressed. “His scars aren’t a fucking secret, man.”

Realization dawned on Jiang, his face softening with concern. “You think he’s hurting himself? I told him once he can talk to me but I don’t think he appreciated my gesture.”

“You gonna move now?”

“Only if I get to come with.”

Kavinsky wasn’t going to be happy…but since when did Finlay always care if K was happy? In terms of these things not general happiness. He really wanted him to be happy in life so he wouldn’t end up dead. “Fine.”

 

 

“Why’s it creepy? Is it always creepy?” Jiang whispered as they walked into K’s house. “It’s so fucking quiet. You sure people live here?”

“Please shut up,” Finlay snorted as he walked over to the stairs, pausing only to take off his shoes and make sure Jiang did the same. “If Walnut comes running out of somewhere, don’t scream.”

His buddy looked offended. “I’m not a screamer, thank you.”

“If a giant ass dog comes out of nowhere in a creepy quiet house, I have no doubt you’ll scream,” Finlay replied as they reached the second floor. K’s door was open this time which made him worry just a little less. The room of his mother was shut, however, and Finlay just couldn’t help himself and opened it just a crack. Even when he’d slept over, he hadn’t seen her. Kavinsky would say he need to check on her or make sure she ate but she never came out.

“This his room?” Jiang whispered behind him.

“Nah, his mom’s,” Finlay answered, sticking his head to peak at the sleeping shape under the covers. He’d kind of been hoping that she’d be facing his way so he could see her face and compare it with the memory of the picture he’d seen but no cigar. “She’s sleeping.”

Jiang waited until the door was closed once more before asking “Why we peeking on her?”

“I wanted to make sure she’s fine,” Finlay shrugged as he answered with his half truth. Walking into Kavinsky’s room, he called softly “Joseph?” He paused when he found him in bed. At least he hadn’t been answering because he was asleep. “I’ve been texting-”

He was a little too…frozen to be asleep.

“Fuck, his room is legit,” Jiang said as he walked in, glancing around and not even noticing K on the bed. “Who would’ve thought?” He spun around and caught sight of Kavinsky. “Bastard, wake up, man. We’re supposed to be playing baseball.”

Finlay moved closer, gazing at the older boy’s body. He looked so…weird. “What’s that?”

“What?” Jiang murmured as he got closer and looked at the black ooze coming down from K’s nose that Finlay was pointing at. “Black tar heroin?”

“Not funny,” Finlay muttered as he leaned closer, realizing that there were little tears of black ooze coming from the corners of Kavinsky’s eyes. Carefully touching K’s arm just in case he’d end up freaking him out or something, Finlay pulled his hand away in shock at how cold he was. It was fucking blistering June in Henrietta; a person should not feel that cold. “What the fuck?”

Jiang glanced at him and did the same except he left his hand on the cold arm. “Is he dead?”

“That’s not fucking funny!” Finlay snapped, slamming Jiang in the chest with his arm causing him to cough and clutch his aching chest, but Finlay wasn’t apologizing. Turning back to Kavinsky who had more black stuff oozing, he shook him and called “Joseph. Joseph, man, get up. You’re freaking me the fuck out.”

A hand snuck in and felt for a pulse. “He’s alive.”

It was incredibly relieving to hear that but it didn’t change the fact that their asshole buddy was cold and oozing shit. “Joseph,” he said a little more forcibly, shaking him by the shoulders. “C’mon, get up.”

“Weird,” Jiang said softly, leaning closer to Kavinsky’s face and poking him in the nose. “What’s wrong with him?” He was about to poke him again but then eyes flickered open, looking like they’d seen every inch of hell, wide and frightened. “Uh…hey, K.”

Kavinsky blinked, still looking completely lost, so Finlay let go of him before he noticed and said “Swan and Jiang, dude.”

He didn’t even spare them a glance as he looked around before looking down at himself. “What…?” Wiping the black ooze coming from his nose with two fingers, Kavinsky blinked down at it before he flinched and clutched his ears. “No, no, no, no, no.” From how hard he was clutching his ears, Finlay was worried they’d end up ripped. “I’m going to fucking kill them,” he snapped, his eyes shut tight. “I swear to fucking God.”

Finlay and Jiang shared a concerned look before looking back at the mess cursing someone out.

“Fuck!” Kavinsky shouted, shutting his eyes tighter and looking seriously ready to remove his ears. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! I swear to FUCKING GOD-”

Really, Finlay just kind of thought K was stuck in a dream or something until he groaned in what sounded like pain. Maybe his head hurt? “Joseph-”

“SHUT UP!” Thing was, Kavinsky wasn’t looking at him so he wasn’t even sure if he was talking to him or not. He knew for sure he wasn’t when he practically cried into his knees “Please, please, please, just stop. Please.”

“Do something,” Jiang whispered hurriedly, giving Finlay a nudge. “What the fuck is wrong with him?”

Hell if he knew. Slowly taking a seat beside the whimpering boy, Finlay set a hand on his now burning hot shoulder. “Joseph, what’s-” He jumped back when K’s head suddenly flew up, his eyes now open wide, and glanced around wildly. “Joseph?”

Swiveling his head in Finlay’s direction, it was like he finally registered that he wasn’t alone. He turned his head slowly to stare at Jiang before giving the room a quick examination. “It stopped,” Kavinsky laughed hysterically, covering his face in his hands. “It stopped!”

Finlay was beginning to have a feeling that K had been hearing something that no one else could. “Nice and quiet now.”

Breathing heavily into his hands, he rubbed his eyes before staring at the blackness covering them. “What the fuck is this?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“I died.”

He…died. Okay. Okay. Obviously Kavinsky wasn’t in his right mind right now. “Well, you’re alive now.”

Still staring down at his smeared hands, Kavinsky murmured “I died. Drowned in the nothingness.” Jiang looked to Finlay with the most concerned look he’d ever seen on the other boy’s face. “It was gone. All of it. Just…just gone.”

“Uh…”

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Kavinsky snapped in such angry vigor that Finlay actually had a little dash of fear quake his heart. Who and why though? Clenching a fist, he added viciously “I swear to _fucking_ God, Lynch, I’m going to _ruin_ you for whatever the hell you did. I swear. You’re going to regret fucking me up.”

Lynch?


	115. Chapter 114

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the fourth day of Christmas, your writer who just burned her tongue gave to you...
> 
> A very nice long chapter
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“You want to play with fire? Fine. But don’t drag other people down with you.”_

It literally took him a whole tissue box to blow out whatever the fuck that black stuff was inside of him. Ask him what happened and Joseph wouldn’t even be able to tell. Everything had gone dark and Joseph had died. Or, it’d felt like he’d died because he was pretty sure he hadn’t been existing when the forest plug had been pulled. Would he have been able to feel the disappearance if he hadn’t been in dream world? And since when did the forest have a power source anyways? Didn’t that shit just run on dreams?

Whatever had happened, the only person Joseph could find to blame was Lynch because as far as he knew, he was the only one who had anything to do with dreamy shit. All of Joseph’s problems had begun a couple months ago when the switch had flipped. He had a feeling that whoever had flipped the switch – most likely Lynch – didn’t know what the fuck they were even doing because Henrietta was out of control.

Lynch seemed to functioning just fine though which meant the only one who had gotten fucked up in the magic sphere was Joseph.

And now he was going to fuck up Lynch for it. He’d see.

“Stop fucking staring at me like that,” Joseph snapped at Swan who stood beside him in front of the bathroom mirror. His face had  ‘let me take care of you’ all over it and it was pissing Joseph off. He didn’t want to be taken care of, especially not by this assuming ass. “Fuck off.”

“What the hell just happened?”

“Fuck off does not in any way, shape, form, or how imply to ask questions,” he replied, rinsing his face in the sink. “Seriously, fuck off, I’m fine.”

“You nearly ripped your ears off,” Jiang said, suddenly appearing in the doorway. His sanctum was officially invaded now, what with Skov being the only person who hadn’t been in his room yet. Good thing he didn’t know that or else he’d be pissed as a fish. “Like literally, your ears are still red and you have scratches around them.”

Joseph leaned towards the mirror, titling his head to see one of his ears which did in fact, look like they’d been through the wringer. Rubbing a finger along the scratches, he couldn’t help but wonder if he could have really done damage to himself. The scratches weren’t deep by any means but if the ringing had lasted longer…who knew?

With a sigh, he opened one of the drawers and dug around until he found his Neosporin, slathering some onto his scratches before he had the shitty luck of them getting infected. It was unnerving how the guys were just standing there and watching but Joseph wasn’t going to be the one to give in. He dropped the gel back into the drawer as Jiang asked “So…no black tar heroin?”

“What?” Joseph muttered in confusion as he pushed his way out of the bathroom, stripping the sheets from his bed once he reached it. There was nasty as black ooze everywhere. “Wait, you think this is heroin? Are you out of your fucking mind?” Jiang shrugged as he took a seat in the beanbag chair. Shaking his head in disbelief as he tossed the pile into his laundry basket, Joseph snorted “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not stupid enough-”

“Is that a question?”

“It’s definitely not heroin,” Joseph said with a firm voice, walking to the ‘linen’ closet in the hall. Really, it just happened to have the sheets and towels by chance, not because they were specified to the location. Grabbing fresh everything, he went back into his room and fixed his bed. “Don’t be stupid. Heroin, he says.”

While he was positive that it wasn’t heroin by his own hand, he didn’t actually know what it was. All he knew for sure was that it was connected to his dreams. Whatever had gone out had affected him because he’d been in at the time.

So the big question wasn’t what the ooze was but rather, what the fuck had happened. If he found that out, then he’d figure out the ooze substance.

He sat down on his bed and glanced between Jiang comfortable in the chair and Swan leaning against his bookshelf beside him. Swan was looking severely concerned and even though Joseph knew that he shouldn’t, he liked it.

It made him feel human.

“I’m fine,” he assured to Swan. He doubted Jiang actually gave a fuck. The only reason the dude had come was probably to see how Joseph’s house looked. “Really.”

Clenching and unclenching that back muscle of his jaw, Swan huffed and shook his head, looking everywhere but Joseph. “Dude, you looked fucking _dead._ ”

Huh…if he died there, did he die here?

“Well…I wasn’t.”

“According to you, you died,” Jiang called with his hand raised as if they were in class or something. Not that Jiang raised his hand in class. He was that annoying kid who always called out the answers. “Drowned in nothingness.”

“I…” Joseph trailed off in confusion, tilting his head, “I said that?”

This seemed to be the wrong thing to say because it brought Swan’s attention right back, his eyes looking like they might explode from concern. “You don’t remember? Anything?”

He actually remembered that he was going to fuck up Ronan and ruin the shit out of his life like he ruined the shit out of Joseph. Other than that…not much. Oh and the ringing. _Definitely_ the ringing. There was no way he could forget that pain. “Look, it’s not important-”

“Excuse my interruption,” Jiang pointedly interrupted, “but, dude, I was already planning my eulogy for your funeral. That’s how fucking dead you looked. Swan looked like he was about to cry and say a death prayer.”

“No I didn’t,” Swan muttered sullenly, taking a seat on the bed beside Joseph. He looked hesitant for a moment before determination set in his face and he grabbed Joseph’s hand. Ants crawled over Joseph’s skin but he didn’t pull away. “I don’t know what the fuck happened but it’s a big shit and we’re glad you’re okay. Don’t do that again.”

As if it were that fucking simple. ‘Don’t do that again.’ Yeah, well it wasn’t in his hand to do or not to do so… “Sure thing,” he replied, pulling his hand away. There was no way he could keep his word but it’d at least put Swan at some sort of ease. “Now, we’re never going to talk about this again-”

“Jooosepphhhh!”

Damn, she hadn’t slept as long as he would’ve liked her too. Double damn that the guys were here. He didn’t want them seeing how bad she was. But there was no stopping the situation as his mother swooped into the room with Walnut at her side. At least the pup was keeping her watch like she was supposed to. “I think I want ice cream.”

Joseph tried to ignore the fact that Swan and Jiang were watching her like she was some foreign species. At least she was dressed properly. He always considered that a win for the day. “And I think there’s ice cream in the freezer. I’ll go put you some and you-”

“I don’t want house ice cream.”

While her being dressed was a win, it seemed like it was going to be one of the harder nights when she battled him on every little thing. A Dobrev was just as stubborn as a Kavinsky. Rubbing his temples as he dug up his patience, Joseph took a deep breath. “It’s not house ice cream,” he started with a lie, “it’s actually from out but you were sleeping when I got it so I put it in the freezer.”

She seemed to consider the probability of this where she had taken up Swan’s previous standing spot against the bookshelf at the foot of Joseph’s bed. Scratching at her messy pony tail, his mother said “But I was awake when you came. You didn’t have ice cream.”

Yup, definitely going to be one of those nights. He was about to elaborate his lie with something that might convince her but Swan cut in before he could. “He called me to bring the ice cream because you were sleeping and he didn’t want to leave you alone.” He pointed over at Jiang, “Me and Jiang brought it over and he put it in the freezer for you.”

“Who are you?” his mother asked, suspicion in her eyes. On principle alone, Joseph kept her away from people but then it became the smart thing to do when she accused the mailman of being an ax murderer and she went back to the house to grab a knife to ‘protect her abode.’

Joseph really hoped he didn’t have to defend the guys from her right now.

Swan spared a glance in Joseph’s direction like he was asking permission to which Joseph simply shrugged. “I’m a friend of his. We go to school together and hang out too.”

Friend was a strong word and his mother seemed to think so too as she squinted at Swan before smiling like she’d just discovered where Amelia Earhart was after all this time. “Oh! You’re his boyfriend!”

Oh fuck his life.

Jiang was trying so hard to keep in his laugh that he was purple while Swan just looked utterly lost on what to do. Rubbing his face while shaking his head, Joseph groaned “Mayko-”

“He seems very sweet.”

“I’m the sweetest,” Swan replied stoically.

Slapping him in his freaky muscled biceps, Joseph snapped “Don’t encourage her.” He turned his attention back to his mother. “He’s not my boyfriend-”

“Are you sweet on him? My baby‘s a sweetheart when he wants to be,” his mother said, looking as though she was an eager child searching for their gifts. It was like him having a boyfriend was all she ever wanted in life. “He’s a romantic too.” Joseph groaned into his hands to the sound of Jiang’s laughter. “He acts tough on the outside but he’s a total squishy on the inside.”

“Mayko, please stop.” Swan looked like he was enjoying every second of their little game but Joseph didn’t care for his amusement. He needed to put a stop to this before it got out of hand. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

His mother glanced over at him with the softest gaze he’d seen since she’d been hitting it hard. “You don’t have to hide it anymore. That’s why we left, remember? I told you from day one that it’s okay.” Secrets were spilling that weren’t supposed to be spilling and Joseph had no idea how to make her stop without physically doing something. “You’re supposed to be happy.”

“I tell him that every day, Ms. K,” Jiang called from his beanbag. “I tell him to go actually fuck who he wants but he doesn’t listen. Told him he’s missing out big time. But hey, now he’s got Swan-”

“Shut up,” Joseph snapped, flinging a pillow at the asshole’s head. “Just shut. Up.” Looking to his mother, he said in a stiff tone that he wished he could soften just a bit for her “Go get you ice cream before the freezer gremlins eat it.”

This seemed to throw her off track, narrowing her eyes in thought of this news. Biting her thumbnail, she murmured “Freezer gremlins?”

“Mhmm. Go eat your ice cream, mayko.”

His mother didn’t move and looked as though she didn’t plan on moving anytime soon. Joseph snapped his fingers at Walnut who had taken a seat at his mother’s feet. “Kitchen, go.”

Walnut blinked, looking displeased at being thrown out but nonetheless after he snapped his fingers again, she got to her large feet and nosed his mother’s side until she caught her attention. Together, they left to the kitchen in search of ice cream and freezer gremlins. He felt bad for lying and throwing her out but he couldn’t let that conversation go any farther than it’d already gone.

“So we’re boyfriend’s now, huh?’

Lifting his head from his hands, Joseph gave Swan the nastiest look he knew how to give. “I’ll break your face and slice your stomach open so your guts spill onto the floor.”

“Can’t say I’m into the whole S&M scene.”

Jesus Christ, help him.

“Plus, I think you’d be a bottom.”

The bile in his stomach rose so fast that Joseph was surprised he was even able to make it to his toilet. His stomach was empty so there wasn’t much to come up but it still burned like fuck. Joseph stayed over the toilet, his head practically in the bowl, not wanting either of the boys to catch his tears. He wanted to snap at them and say he was nobody’s bitch but he’d been someone’s bitch and that painful fact made him feel like the most disgusting thing in the world. Joseph hadn’t felt this kind of disgust in a long while, the memories bringing back more than just the pain.

He needed a shower. A long hot scalding shower that’d cleanse his skin.

“Yo, man, I’m vers and being on bottom is hella fly.”

Joseph couldn’t help but pick up his head and blink in confusion at the Asian boy standing above him. “What?”

“I’m vers,” Jiang repeated as if Joseph even knew what that was. His face must’ve given way to the fact that he had no idea because Jiang sighed and clarified “Versatile. Top and bottom.”

What he wanted to know was how someone as badass as Jiang took a turn on the bottom when that was the bitch’s spot but Joseph couldn’t find it within himself to ask. This conversation was done. Finished. His curiosity wasn’t worth it.

Finding a strand of Kavinsky buried under all his mess of feelings right now, Joseph snarled as best as he could “Get the fuck out of my house. Both of you. Just. Fuck. Off.”

 

* * *

 

Getting into Swan’s cute little Golf that was never what Xia imagined to be the dude’s car of choice, he waited until Swan was nice and comfortable in seat. He even waited until he was buckled too. “He threw up.”

Swan spared him a quick glance before putting all his attention on twisting the key in the ignition. Too much attention really. “Maybe he’s not feeling well. He did have that shit coming out of him so-”

“He only threw up when you called him a bottom.” Tapping his fingers along the steering wheel as they sat idly in K’s driveway, Swan nodded slowly. He had to know what Xia was getting at, didn’t he? He was smarter than that. “You think…” Xia wasn’t sure how to phrase what he wanted to say. “Like…”

“Like what,” Swan murmured, reversing them out and getting them onto the road. They both hated this side of town as much as the damn locals did. No dorm boy wanted to be reminded that he lived in a miniscule room while other dudes were living it up. “Like what.”

Xia had no idea how to say it. How to even ask it because just the words felt foul on his tongue. He mocked K all the time, it was normal, and he laughed at him for not being comfortable with himself which was kind of fucked up but…it’d just kill Xia. It’d kill him to know that he’d been mocking a guy who… “I always kinda figured that…him not being himself was because of his dad, y’know?”

Beside him, Swan said nothing and Xia didn’t want to risk turning his head away from the window to catch his expression. This was too sensitive of a topic. The most serious of all topics they’d ever spoken about before and suddenly Xia didn’t feel all cool or dangerous as usual. Talking about…about rape wasn’t something Xia knew how to do. He liked Kavinsky, he really did, even if it wasn’t apparent. The guy was annoying, rude, mean, and a list of other things but he was a lot of good things that Xia liked too. His sense of humor was hilarious, he was smart in a way that Xia admired even though he mocked him for being a nerd, and, he’d never _ever_ admit this to anyone, he was cool. Fucking badass as hell.

And knowing that this cool badass genius had possibly been raped…

“I know.”

He glanced at Swan who had never looked so emotionless. “Five minutes late.”

Swan’s hand tightened on the wheel. “I don’t think you’re wrong about his dad but I also…I don’t think that his dad being homophobic is the only thing holding him back.” He spared a few seconds to gnaw on his nail and if he hadn’t been driving, Xia would’ve slapped him for it. “The dude needs a boyfriend.”

Out of all the things Swan could have said, that was never on the list of things Xia had been expecting. Scratching his nose and trying to keep his thoughts focused on K instead of wondering about if he really should get it pierced, Xia replied “I’m afraid I don’t follow your logic.”

“He needs a really great guy to show him-”

“What he’s missing out on? Yeah, I say that all the time.”

“No, man,” Swan snorted, coming to a stop at a light. “I mean, yes, but not exactly.” He turned and stared at Xia intently, “I don’t want it where it’s like rubbing it in his face. I want him to see how good a relationship can be for him.”

“You sound really concerned for his wellbeing.”

“And you’re not?” Swan snapped in annoyance, driving them home once again. “You can’t even say the word ‘rape,’ Xia-”

Uh oh, first name.

“But you’re acting all like you don’t give a fuck. You do, I know you do. We both know-”

“We don’t actually know though,” Xia cut in, one, because he wanted to be heard, and two, because he was so not comfortable with this line of conversation. “We don’t.”

Swan was starting to look seriously frustrated from Xia. “We have reasonable belief. What he needs is a good guy who’s gonna teach him how to trust. That it’s okay to trust and that sex doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be fun and sweet and exciting just like the damn straight people.”

Turning his gaze back out the window, Xia sighed. Kavinsky had been raped. Yeah, they had reasonable belief and tons of proof just from his behavior, especially what they just saw, but putting those words into just a thought and not even a verbal sentence was insane. Insane and unbelievable. “You offering?” he tried to joke though he knew it came out sounding like crap. “I’ve caught him staring at Skov a few times but not you.”

K wasn’t Xia’s type but Xia had always fancied himself _everyone’s_ type, so it’d been a little annoying when he noticed that Kavinsky’s eyes never lingered on him. Who didn’t find Xia sexy as fuck?

Joseph Kavinsky apparently.

Dumbass.

“That’s because I figure he fancies himself a top.”

“We’re so not talking K’s sexual preferences,” Xia muttered in distaste. Just no.

With a laugh that meant he wasn’t as pissed as before, Swan said “Oh but we have to listen to yours twenty-four seven? Anyways, he’s looking at pretty twinks because he just doesn’t realize that a guy like him might enjoy the nicer part of life of being a pampered bottom. And let’s be real, he could so pass as a twink.”

He and Swan had to have different definitions of twinks. “He’s too tall, his face isn’t soft and cute, he’s brash, a pissant, covered in tattoos, and, depending on how genetics hit, probably has a big-”

“I really don’t see how any of that disqualifies him.”

“The point is, don’t talk unless you plan on playing the part.”

Pulling them into Aglionby’s dorm parking lot, Swan found a spot for his Golf and shut off the car. Neither of them bothered moving because they knew that if they did, the conversation was over. “I could be a good boyfriend.”

Shit. Shit? Shit. Rubbing his face and laughing, he asked “You got a thing for K, don’t you?”

Red faced and refusing to meet Jiang’s eyes, Swan muttered “I don’t. He’s not even my type of guy.”

Maybe not in looks but… “He’s needy, he barely remembers to eat, doesn’t know what healthy living is, doesn’t sleep, totally high maintenance material, needs some-”

“Oh my god, stop,” Swan groaned, resting his face on the steering wheel. He groaned again and covered his head with his arms. “He’s not my type. He’s not.”

“You convincing me or yourself?” Kavinsky embodied everything Swan loved which was every single damn thing Xia had said and more. He liked people like that because it meant he got to care for them, pamper them, indulge their every whim, and most importantly _care for them_.

Swan loved that shit. He lived for that shit.

“You know…” Xia murmured, giving it more thought, “honestly, you’d be good for him. Maybe even get him to gain a pound or twenty.”

“Please stop.”

“You should totally hint-”

“Jiang, man, stop.” The words were pathetic, not only because they were muffled by the leather of the wheel, but because Swan just had no fight in him when it came to him wanting to take of people and things. It was built in his nature. “Seriously.”

“Can I just say one more thing?”

“Even if I say no, you will so just get it over with.”

Unbuckling and reaching over to pat Swan on the shoulder, Xia said “You two would be one of the weirder couples I’ve seen and also possibly unhealthy because he’ll rely on you too much-”

“That’d be the point.”

“Uhuh, _but_ I say go for it.”

Swan glanced up at him in surprise. “Go for it?” he repeated incredulously. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Xia shrugged. “He needs something stable and healthy in his life and you love caring for things. It could work if he wasn’t so damn homophobic or hung up on Lynch. Just hint around him and make overly caring gestures and see what happens.”

He actually looked like he was considering the words until he frowned like something didn’t work. “What the fuck is up with him and Lynch, man? He’s…”

“Obsessed.”

“Yeah.”

A crush was more or less a given but there was something more that Xia just wasn’t catching on to. K had never cared about Lynch until the guy tried to off himself. He’d never even given him a first glance not give him a second one.

So what had changed?

“Whatever the reason is, the sooner we break it out of him, the better.”


	116. Chapter 115

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the fifth day of Christmas, your writer sipping Dr. Pepper gave to you...
> 
> A very suspicious Swan
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“At least turn on the air-co, man, it’s hot as fuck and smells like ball sweat.”_

“He’s cute.”

Joseph whirled around from the front door after slamming it behind the assholes and glared at his mother who was sitting at the counter. She apparently was over her fixation of needing outside ice cream because she had the regular old store bought tub right in front of her as she scooped along and ate.

“Have you guys had sex yet? Don’t forget to use a condom.”

Jesus fuck this woman was out of her fucking mind. Striding over to her in his annoyed fury, Joseph was about to let loose a whole list of nasty obscenities before he came to a jarring halt.

She was out of her mind. His mother was completely out of her mind so what was the point of yelling at her? She wouldn’t even get it, or worse, she’d take it badly and might end up doing something stupid. Something to herself or to him, it was a tossup, but he didn’t want to be the enabler in that situation. And anyways, the satisfaction of yelling at her wasn’t even worth half the headache he’d end up with.

And because of these facts and more, Joseph just sighed with a shake of his head and trudged back up to his room. He was tired, his head was throbbing, and life sucked. None of this was news of course, but after the shit with the forest just shutting off and his mother saying things she shouldn’t and the guys being witness to these things…Joseph was a bit of a wreck. A shower seemed like too much work despite his grubbiness and he definitely didn’t want to try to sleep. Even the excitement of playing baseball in Aglionby’s stadium was dead. They could still do it but the novelty had worn off.

The novelty of everything in existence had worn off, really. Except…maybe Lynch. And that was only because he was a dreamer. And…maybe kinda sorta handsome.

But that last one was beside the point.

“Ah, fuck it,” Joseph grumbled as he grabbed his cap and shoved on his shoes. He kind of smelled like sleep but he didn’t give enough of a fuck to bother changing. Instead of fresh clothes, he grabbed his bat and ball and anything else he required before he was off and out the door. He wanted damn baseball then he was going to get damn fucking baseball. He could probably use the fresh air anyways.

He made it to school in a matter of a few short minutes with the appreciation of the fact that he’d never be pulled over or arrested again. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that he was decidedly the most powerful person in Henrietta. The guys had already received the message that the game was back on and, for some stupid ass reason, Swan decided John was going to play with them.

Joseph had no idea why and he’d actually said no but Swan told him to go fuck himself because he wouldn’t be fucking him with that attitude.

His own response was easily imaginable to such insinuations.

“And…lights on!” Joseph cheered as he got power running through the stadium lights. The little control room of the stadium had one hell of a security system just on the door alone – a.k.a. a coded lock – but Joseph had managed to work his way in through a very small and high up window.

As Skov had put it, at least he was of skeletal proportions for something. His height had also been a bonus because he didn’t have to worry about standing on something.

“Ready?” Joseph called excitedly as he bounced down the millions of stairs from control room to field. The guys all cheered, even John though much more quietly and with an embarrassment viewable from even here. “I’m pitching, no debate.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Prokopenko snorted once Joseph reached them. “We all know. How we picking teams?”

“Simple,” Swan yawned with a stretch, loosening up his arms. Pointing at himself, John, and Joseph, he said “Us three against,” he pointed towards the remaining assholes, “you three.”

He wasn’t really digging having John’s untested abilities on his team but he was pretty sure if he said something, the poor preacher boy would start crying. Unlike most people, he wasn’t afraid of Joseph, but he broke easy when people were mean to him.

Which was to say, he cried a lot.

“Are you okay with that?”

Joseph blinked down at John beside him. Next to Skov, he was the shortest. “Yeah, fine. You can play though, right?”

Some other worldly light made John’s face glow. Or maybe it was just his boyish smile. “Oh yes! It’s my favorite sport. I used to do little league and I wanted to do it in high school-”

“But Aglionby doesn’t have it because it’s bullshit,” Joseph finished with an understanding nod. John just moved up twenty feet in his eyes. “Yeah, been there. My mom swears I would’ve hit the majors if I had the chance to keep playing.”

Staring at the baseball in his hand as he traced the seams, John said softly “My dad told me the Lord would judge me harshly if I picked ball over Him.”

Well then. Joseph had no idea what religion John was but he was pretty sure that wasn’t the way it worked in any religion. Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his shorts, Joseph mulled his words over in his head carefully before he spoke because he didn’t want to seem to be judging or insulting. If there was one thing he wouldn’t fuck people over with, it was their beliefs. That would just be cruel. “I…don’t think that’s how it goes. I’m pretty sure a balance is okay with the man upstairs.”

Picking his head up with a curious glance lighting up his round eyes, John pushed his little brown bangs out of the way. Joseph had never realized that he even had bangs because his hair was always gelled to old man on the side perfection. “Are you religious?”

As was expected, Jiang burst into laughter to the point where he choked on his spit. He so deserved that. “Him?” Jiang snorted, pointing an ugly finger at Joseph. “You think this asshole is religious?”

“I’m not religious,” Joseph cut in before Jiang started with nasty insults that would ruin their night. He hadn’t been happy at being thrown out but for some reason he seemed chill now. “But I’m…religiously aware. Used to go to church every Sunday but they don’t have my kind of church here.” Honestly, he hadn’t looked but he was pretty sure there were no Bulgarian Orthodox ones around anywhere. “And to be honest, I’d probably burst into flames if I tried.”

“Amen!” Jiang shouted up to the sky, hands thrown up in hallelujah style.

John didn’t seem to appreciate this assessment. With narrowed eyes that looked like they were trying to think harder than they’d ever thought before, he scratched just above his ear as he looked from Jiang to Joseph. “Um…” he tapped Joseph’s arm to make sure he had his attention, “that’s not how it works.”

“No shit.”

“No, I mean, I don’t believe that God isn’t unforgiving. My dad likes to judge and jury people as though, God forgive me, he’s God himself to make those choices. But no one can ever understand or even begin to know what God will or will not forgive. We’re merely humans; we can’t make those choices.”

Prokopenko and Skov looked like they were bored to the ends of the world and Jiang looked ready to mock John though Joseph was sure that Swan would break his face for it. Joseph, however…he liked the words. They were kind of hopeful and inspiring to a boy who’d only ever fucked up in life. “What if…you…did something…” John was looking at him with such an open face that Joseph was able to find his words. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for exactly but… “Really really…unforgivable.”

“I like to believe everything is forgivable.”

Well that was refreshing.

How could he ask about murder without it sounding…like he murdered someone? Or what about his dreaming power? He’d always thought of it as pretty blasphemous. “Blasphemy?”

“Or sucking dicks?” Jiang asked cheekily while winking at Joseph and wrapping an arm around John’s shoulders. “I like dick. A lot. Religion says I’m a dirty bastard who’s gonna burn for that. What do you think?”

There was that one too.

Looking particularly uncomfortable under Jiang’s arm, John wiggled away closer to Joseph. Joseph made sure to take a step back to keep his bubble empty. “God loves all his children.”

That sounded…particularly refreshing. “What about murderers?”

All the boys gave him a look but John didn’t seem to mind the inquiry. “It’s of course not my place to guess God’s mercy but I believe that if there is reasonable reason, then there’s forgiveness.”

“Like self-defense?” he asked carefully because Ivo had totally died because of self-defense. Joseph had the trauma to prove it. “That’s reasonable.”

“Yo, man, can we just play?” Jiang interrupted before John could answer. Scratching at his stomach, he added “Take your religious class later, what the fuck.”

“Fuck,” Swan muttered, drawing their attention as he shuffled through his pockets. “Think I forgot my phone in the room.”

With a tired yawn that meant it was a good thing he wasn’t on Joseph’s team, Skov replied “It’s not like you need it. We’re gonna play.”

“Yeah but I’m expecting a call.” Punching Joseph’s arm, he nodded in the direction of the dorms, “Come with. A demand, not a request.”

Crossing his arms at just the thought of the long walk to Swan’s building, Joseph grumbled “And why the fuck should I? Go by yourself.”

Grabbing his arm to Joseph’s surprise, Swan dragged him behind him as they walked. So much for not going. And what was up with that look Jiang gave them? He yanked his arm from Swan’s grasp and snapped “What the fuck is your problem?” Rubbing the red mark on his arm, Joseph muttered “Ass.”

“You ever kill someone K?”

Stumbling on his own feet, Joseph came to a clumsy halt, still holding his red arm as he stared dumbfounded at the boy in front of him who hadn’t stopped walking. He focused on the physical boy in front of him instead of the erratic pounding of his heart. “What?”

“You heard me.”

Running to catch up, Joseph matched him step for step as they walked to the dorm. “What kind of question is that?”

“You’re right, it’s stupid.” Swan shook his head and focused on the floor and his feet. “Just forget I asked.”

“How in the hell am I supposed to ignore the fact that you legit just asked me if I’m a murderer?” Joseph wanted to snap at him, maybe even hit him, but the shock of such a question that was borderline truth was throwing him off his anger game. “I’m a piece of shit, no doubt, but seriously?”

Swan didn’t reply or say anything else as they made it to the building. By the time they were going up the stairs, Joseph had stewed any and all patience he had to the point of nonexistence. Standing in front of the door that lead to the floor, Joseph blocked their path. “Seriously?”

The other boy raised his head and blinked at him patiently, an almost therapeutic calm to those blinks, as he examined every inch of Joseph’s face. “I think maybe life’s been a little cruel to you. That’s all I’m gonna say.”

“That’s not a fucking answer.” But it was a damn true statement. “You think I’d kill someone?”

With his hands resting behind his back and meeting Joseph eye for eye, Swan murmured “I think…if…your life depended on it, you would. Which is to say, a lot of people would. I think if an abusive man was hurting you to the point where you thought you were in severe danger-”

“Stop.”

He paused but he didn’t stop. Instead he just changed the topic to another that must have been itching his brain. “But I know he’s alive which is what I don’t understand-”

Shutting his eyes tight against his tears, Joseph whispered “Please stop, Finlay.”

It was the use of his name, Joseph knew, that made him stop. It was the desperation in his voice that made him consider and it was the action of Joseph hiding his face by looking away that made him hug him. If there was a such a thing as a hug master, Swan would be it. “For the record,” Swan murmured, resting his head on Joseph’s shoulder as though it actually belonged there, “if I was really your bae, you’d be in comfort heaven.”

Joseph let out a painful broken laugh as he set his head facedown into Swan’s broad shoulder. He hadn’t even realized he was crying until Swan’s wet shirt was making his face uncomfortable and the soothing circles being rubbed into his back were registered. But he didn’t mind or even remotely care because this hug was the best he’d gotten in forever.

“I’m like comfort queen, man.”

“Not the dancing queen?”

“Your jokes suck when you’re sad,” Swan sighed, taking a in a deep soft breath before letting it out. There were noises that sounded suspiciously like…sniffing before he asked “You didn’t change from the evil black ooze clothes, did you?”

“I was too lazy,” he murmured back, turning his head to the side to gaze at the ugly gray wall of the stairwell. “I didn’t think I smelled though.”

“Nah, just like you been sleeping. You don’t even smell like weed or smoke. I’m fucking proud. Although, now, I’ve been contaminated by black ooze. Am I gonna die?”

Yawning and pulling out of their embrace while feeling surprisingly better, Joseph glanced down at his shirt just to check that there was nothing on it. He’d made sure there was no suspecting blotches before he left but just to be sure. “Ass, there’s nothing here.”

Smoothing out his grossly wet shoulder, Swan snorted “What the fuck was that stuff? Tell me not drugs? You have enough damn drugs in your system as it is.”

“Definitely not drugs,” Joseph replied, pulling the door to the floor open, letting Swan go first before following him down the hall. “I know that for sure.”

“Then what the fuck was that shit?” Swan asked, unlocking his door and going in. Joseph jut settled for leaning against the doorframe instead of bothering to go into the tiny room. “You seriously don’t know?”

Something dreamlike, he knew that much. Maybe dream death ooze. It was the first time he’d ever seen anything like it and it’d only happened when the forest had pretty much died. Had to be connected, didn’t it? “I have an idea.”

His buddy replied but Joseph didn’t register it as he watched a boy coming down the hall. It took a moment to recognize him and when he did, he had to admit that he was shocked. “What the fuck happened to you?” Joseph asked Declan in surprise as he passed. The other boy only gave him a glance and kept on. “Yo, Declan.”

Declan paused for a moment with a small resigned huff before he turned to face Joseph. His face was one hell of a fucking mess and being that he knew Declan could fight, the winner had to be one hell of a fighter to best him. “You still want advice?”

Hell fucking yeah he did. Especially since it came with not only Declan and a broken face but for free without him asking or threatening to get it. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

The other boy nodded for a second, taking Joseph in before saying “I don’t particularly care what happens to you or doesn’t but keep your head down.” He made to walk away but Joseph called him back. “What.”

“That’s all you’re gonna tell me?”

Crossing his arms, Declan snorted “I don’t see why I should tell you anything anyways. I told you not to get yourself involved and you went and did.”

How’d he know that?

“You did and now things are stirring and getting messy. The only thing that matters to me is the safety of my brothers which you jeopardize.”

“I think you give me a little too much credit.”

Annoyance flashed in Declan’s sharp eyes and if Joseph had trouble matching him as Ronan’s brother, he sure didn’t now. “Keep your head down or stay out of the way. I don’t care. But stay the hell away from Ronan.”

If Joseph had been paying attention, he would’ve realized long ago that Swan’s room had become incredibly quiet. But he wasn’t. “He already has daddy Dick and now he needs you too? Jesus, I wish I was as pampered as his bitch ass. Your brother’s a big boy, Declan, he can make his own choices.”

Walking closer and shoving a sharp finger into Joseph’s chest, Declan snarled with threatening harshness “Stay. Away. From. My. Family. If you’re not going to be smart, then stay away. Stay away regardless. You’re like a pathetic little sick puppy that doesn’t get that nobody wants it.” Joseph didn’t even let the twitch of his eye show how that statement struck. “You want to play with fire? Fine. But don’t drag other people down with you.”


	117. Chapter 116

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the sixth day of Christmas, your over caffeinated writer gave to you...
> 
> Three gays in a car
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Oh God, I love you when you’re gay.”_

Kavinsky was in something and Finlay did not approve.

He had no idea what it was, what it even had to do with, but he knew it was some type of shit that he wouldn’t like nor approve of. It also had something to with Declan Lynch somehow but who knew what that was. He felt like whatever the fuck was going on, it was the reason K was so obsessed with Ronan lately.

At least he knew it wasn’t some infatuation. He didn’t think he’d like to know that truth if it was one.

Fucking Jiang, this was all his fault.

“I’ll be home later, alright?” Finlay told John who gave him a curious glance. “I gotta do something with K and I’ll be by later.”

John didn’t seem to like the answer if the scrunch of his eyebrows was anything to go by but he nodded anyways. “Okay, but it’s late so be safe.”

Giving his roommate one of those bro slaps on the back that meant thanks, Finlay jogged over to Kavinsky’s car while he was still busy chatting with Skov and Prokopenko. The other boy would definitely not want Finlay coming home with him so this was his way of ensuring he had a fighting chance. Throwing him out of the car would be too hard so K would end up stuck with him. The plan was perfect.

Well, it would’ve been if the alarm of the Evo didn’t start blaring his presence to the damn world. It was as obnoxious as it’s stupid ass owner, goddammit.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Kavinsky called from where he was still standing with the other boys. The alarm went quiet with a beep but it didn’t unlock. That ass. “What?” Finlay decided to ignore the question and pulled the handle of the passenger door again, setting off the alarm once more. “God fuck, Swan, what!”

The alarm was shut silent once more, still locked, and Finlay pulled the handle a third time, setting off the alarm _and_ K’s temper. The tall skeletal boy came striding over, his pissed off twisted face flashing with annoyance in the shine of the bright stadium lights. With the fob strangled in a tight hand, Kavinsky hit the button again.

With a _tnk_ , the Evo unlocked.

Fuck yeah.

Quickly getting into the glorious vehicle before Kavinsky could stop him, Finlay buckled up and braced himself for the angry onslaught that was coming as his insane friend yanked the driver’s door open. He didn’t even bother sitting; just glared through the door and snapped “What?”

Giving his answer in the form of a one shouldered shrug, Finlay smiled. That seemed more infuriating to K than anything else had been, making him take a seat and slam the door shut. He crossed his arms with an angry huff before turning his head and glaring at Finlay. “Okay, what.”

“Nothing.”

“I will stab you.”

“Eh, everyone says that.” Okay, they didn’t and they also usually didn’t mean it if they did but Finlay wasn’t going to lose his cool just from one measly threat. “And still nothing. Just thought I’d come over. Sleepover maybe.”

That seemed to dampen his anger, forming it into confusion. “Why?”

“I just wanted to.” He’d never thought that coming to a stupid school in some tiny town would help him meet actual friends and meet interesting people. Most of all, this asshole right in front of him. They didn’t come more interesting than a severely closeted gay son of a mob boss. A severely closeted gay son of a mob boss who may have harmed or killed someone. And was probably doing something particularly illegal over a line that Finlay would never cross. “That a problem?”

“Yes,” Joseph snapped, the confusion now annoyance. All of that was better than his sometimes scary fury. “What do you want?”

Finlay blinked at him in surprise. “Do I have to want something? I mean, I want to sleep over at your place so I guess that’s something but I don’t actually want something from you. And if you’re worried about your ma making things weird, I’ll deny all boyfriend connections.”

Though…it was pretty fun playing at it.

Fucking. Jiang. Putting ideas in Finlay’s head.

Slapping his face and groaning as he slid down as far as he could in his seat, Kavinsky muttered “There are no connections. She literally asked if we had sex yet and she won’t believe anything I say regarding the subject.”

He took the time to properly stare at the slouching bean pole seated beside him while he had the chance. Personally, Finlay liked people shorter than him, much less rude, sweet, and more towards the cute side. Also healthier and not a junkie. He hadn’t been joking when he’d said that K wasn’t his type. Kavinsky was probably handsome if he wasn’t a sack of bones and from the way he doted on his mother, he must be sweet somewhere in there.

But he sure as hell wasn’t anything close to cute. Not to mention he was fucking rude as hell.

Even then though…maybe, just maybe and with a whole shit of changes and a different time and place, he might, _might_ have sex with him.

Maybe.

Probably.

“As if I’d have sex with you,” Kavinsky eventually grumbled, apparently still stuck on the whole matter for the past five minutes. “As if.”

It was dangerous to play with this subject but since they were already here… “You don’t think I’m good looking?”

“That’s not the point.”

Finlay wished K would move his hands so he could see his face. “Ah, so you do. Thanks. Maybe if you weighed a bit more, you’d be too.”

A little crack split open between Kavinsky’s fingers. “I’m not handsome? I thought I was…on a good day.”

Making sure he didn’t laugh and kill this guy’s confidence, Finlay adjusted the passenger seat because his legs were cramped as hell and got himself comfy. “On a good day when you don’t look as bad as you look right this second.” This guy really needed someone to take care of him. “Or yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that-”

“Okay, okay,” Kavinsky sighed, shutting his fingers and staying behind his hand shield. “I’m too ugly to have sex with. Noted.”

Either someone was really tired that he wasn’t even trying to deny his sexuality or he was just that lost in his head nowadays, wishing that he got to have it. Conversations like these were never this easy. Nor did they lack homophobia. “I didn’t say that. I just like my people a little healthier so I know they’re not dying.”

“So you’d have sex with me.”

Jesus Christ. “You seem to really want to know this.”

Still hiding behind his hands, his face probably so hot an egg could be cooked on it, Kavinsky mumbled “I’m just wondering. My…nothing.”

“Nah, nah, go ahead.” As if he’d miss out on anything this guy had to share. “Your what? Your girl from that picture?” K shook his head. “Some girl here?” Another shake. A lightbulb lit in Finlay’s head. This guy was gay and they were talking about boyfriends so obviously… “Your…guy?”

It took a minute but finally Kavinsky nodded.

“What about him?”

“He…I…” Kavinsky huffed into his hands before he rushed out “Iwantedtohavesexbuthesaidno-”

“One word at a time, please,” Finlay laughed. “Easy does it.”

If someone was looking for the loudest groan in the world, they would’ve found it coming out of K’s mouth right then. Sliding his hands down with a little sigh and sitting up straight, a look of determination took over as he faced Finlay. “I wanted to have sex but he said no so…”

“You wanted to see if you were unsexable.”

Kavinsky grimaced like he knew it was stupid. “Something like that. I just think he wasn’t ready-”

“Why you idiots just sitting in here?” Jiang snorted as he bounced into the backseat, shutting the door behind himself. Leave it to him to barge in. Especially because he was probably bouncing in with some preconceived notions. He fanned himself with his hand as he added “At least turn on the air-co, man, it’s hot as fuck and smells like ball sweat.”

Kavinsky laughed and replied “No one invited you in.”

Jiang shrugged as he ate a licorice. “True but Swan wasn’t either. So what’re you guys talking about?”

“Nothing,” Kavinsky said quickly, darting Finlay a dangerous glance. “Now get the fuck out.”

Eyes narrowed and flicking from K to Finlay and back, a huge grin cracked on Jiang’s angular face. “Shit!”

“No.”

“Shit, shit, shit!”

“Fucking no, Jiang.”

Ignoring K, Jiang leaned up on the center console and grinned slyly at Finlay. “Yous be talking gay shit, huh?”

“No,” Kavinsky snapped, shoving Jiang back and giving Finlay another warning glance. “Why would we talk that fag trash?”

Man, did he switch up fast. “We were talking gay shit.”

“I knew it!” Jiang laughed in delight while Kavinsky shot daggers at the both of them with his eyes. Finlay would probably end up in pain later but he’d take it. “I knew it, I knewwww it!” Leaning forward again with an eager wiggle, Jiang whispered loudly “Can’t talk gay without me. What’re we talking?”

“Nothing!” Kavinsky snapped, shoving Jiang back again. “Get the fuck out. Actually,” he pointed at Finlay, “get the fuck out too. Goodbye.” Finlay shared a glance with Jiang, both of them agreeing that they weren’t moving anytime soon. K totally caught the glance. “Out.”

“Aw, c’mon, K!” Jiang whined even though he was smiling. “Can’t we just talk gay _once_? Who else you gonna talk gay with if not with Mr. Pan and Mr. Fluid?”

That last one seemed to put Kavinsky’s anger on pause as he gave Finlay a curious tilt of the head. “Mr. Fluid? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?”

The question seemed to brighten Jiang like nothing but Isha could. “Gay education!”

“I consider sexuality fluid,” Finlay explained, unbuckling his seatbelt because not only was it cutting into his stomach but it wasn’t like he was getting thrown out anytime soon. His spot was safe. “I don’t label myself anything but I’m anywhere on the spectrum at any given time.”

“The rainbow thing?”

Close enough. “Yeah, the rainbow thing. Like, your gay so you’re at one end.” Kavinsky was so focused on what Finlay was saying that he didn’t even fight the words. “Then, like…Skov is hetero so he’s on the other. Jiang’s somewhere in the middle along with bisexuals and so on. Make sense?”

Scratching his messy hair, K was nodding and looking like he was really taking in the words. Good because damn did this boy need not only confidence but some education. “I…think so, yeah.”

“Yes!” Jiang cheered, his hands up in good cheer. “Thank you for coming to this Ted talk, brought to you by Finlay Swan.” Squeezing his upper body between the seats, he said after a huge yawn “Let’s go get MickeyD’s to celebrate this gay awakening and then crash at your place.” K wasn’t even paying attention, lost in the world of his head and biting his lip. “Yo, K. Your place. Sleepover.”

Lifting his head and blinking between them, Kavinsky considered them for a long long moment before slowly nodding. Jiang was already celebrating with loud cheers before K slapped him and said sternly “Hold up, I got conditions.”

“Let ‘em rip, baby.”

“One,” he said, holding up a finger, “you make a mess, you fucking clean it.”

“Easy.”

“Two, sit when you piss because I do not tolerate piss on my toilets. I’ll make you fucking scrub; don’t test me.”

“Aw but I like to stand and go.”

“Three, don’t encourage nor antagonize what my mom says depending on what she says. Preferably, don’t talk to her at all unless she directly says something to you.” He pointed at Finlay, “Don’t encourage her.”

“Why you pointing at me?” Finlay laughed, knowing full well why he was. “Plus, man, she looked really happy at the thought of you having a bae. Maybe we should just leave her happy in her fantasies.”

Jiang was grinning like a fucking fool. A fool that Finlay wanted to slap. But K seemed to actually consider the words for a moment, twisting his mouth in thought before slowly nodding. “Fine but don’t push it.”

“Cool.” Really cool.

Jiang got himself comfortable in the middle seat, buckling up like an excited child. Finlay had just thought that he’d been wanting to annoy Kavinsky but it seemed like he actually he did want to sleepover at his place. “Anything else?”

Fixing himself in his own seat and turning on the car after buckling up, Kavinsky hit on the AC and blasted his speakers onto something oh so Bulgarian. They were used to the foreign music but none of them had ever actually picked up proper words. Skov could actually sing along to a few but he’d stopped when he’d learned that some of his favorite sounding lines were the filthiest ones he could pick. From then on, he was too embarrassed to sing them. “Actually yeah, one more.”

“Jesus, I never knew sleepovers came with so much paperwork. Do you want me to sign anything?”

With a charming laugh and a good-natured smile, Kavinsky drove them out of the lot in the direction of Walmart for some McD’s. “No, no signing. And you’ll like the last one. Don’t be whiner or I’ll add that to the rules too.”

“Alright, alright,” Jiang muttered grudgingly. They all knew that no one loved to whine for the hell of it more than Jiang did. It was an art to him. “Fine. Let’s hear it, Jersey. And it better not be ‘no gay talking’ because we three gays at one sleepover, we deserve to talk super damn gay, got it?”

“He said that you’d like it,” Finlay reminded, rolling his eyes and lowering the music a bit so they didn’t have to scream at each other. “I don’t think he’d say that if he wasn’t going to let you be gay as fuck.”

“Just making sure. Plus, maybe he was being sarcastic or something.”

Pulling them into Walmart’s parking lot while scanning for a parking space at the same time, Kavinsky skipped the song that came up before he snorted “ _He_ is right here, you know.” He parked and added “And you’re allowed to gay talk,” Jiang shouted with glee, “within reason.”

“The fuck does that mean?”

He shut off the car and opened his door, “Honestly, I’m not sure, we’ll just have to see.”

“So last rule?”

“Rule numero quatro,” Kavinsky replied with a nice Spanish accent making his words sound legit, “is…”

Finlay groaned as he got out of the car and followed the other two fuckers. “Shit, don’t do the suspense shit.”

Laughing and spinning around on his heels in dramatic effect, he snapped his fingers and pointed a finger gun at them. “Make sure to have fun.”


	118. Chapter 117

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Now officially the seventh day of Christmas chpt now that all that mishap has been fixed!  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Bitch, that’s my boy. You kiss him, I break you.”_

Lounging in one of the theater seats with his feet resting in the one beside him, Jiang pointed at Joseph with a Ruffle. “Would you rather.”

The game seemed innocent enough. Him and Emilio had played it thousands of times before. “Alright, I guess,” Joseph said with a shrug from where he was sitting on the floor. He’d obviously used his basement before, had to because he’d needed to be sure that his musical chairs worked, but Joseph had never really gotten to enjoy the plush carpet. It was soft as fuck and he was in plush love.

So far, the sleepover was fine. Joseph kept expecting very very gay things being that, as Jiang had put it, they were more or less having a ‘totally gay’ slumber party.

Just the phrase ‘slumber party’ made it more gay than it could’ve ever been just as a sleepover.

But as of yet, nothing even remotely gay had been done, said, or even implied. Joseph wasn’t sure how he felt about this. On the one hand, it was a good thing because he didn’t want to delve into that topic at all. On the other, it was utterly disappointing. If he was ever going to get the chance to talk and be as gay as he was, it’d be now with these two fools. He wanted to use the chance while he had it, but Joseph couldn’t bring himself to start the conversation. What he needed was for one of them to do the deed.

“Would you rather,” Jiang began with an evil smile that meant the time had _finally_ come. Joseph was both terrified and excited. It made his heart feel like it was having an anxiety attack from all the confliction. “make out with me-”

“Oh Jesus,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh while Swan rolled his eyes. “I automatically pick the second option. I refuse to kiss you.”

“Automatically?” Jiang asked with a look that was making Joseph rethink his choice. Now he was concerned on what the fuck he’d just picked. “You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Jiang’s smile only grew larger, ear to ear like he’d stuffed an entire slice of watermelon in, as he rolled his shoulders in ‘ultra casual’ style. He was dragging out the other option and now Joseph was more than concerned to what he’d just agreed to. Maybe Jiang had been the better the option? “Well then, Swan, my man, scoot a little closer to your bae and get smooching. You’ve got consent.”

He didn’t bother looking at Swan’s reaction because he was too busy hiding his own behind his hands and laughing. Joseph didn’t even mind the game; he just found it hilarious how serious Jiang could make these things. “Shut the fuck up,” Swan muttered as Joseph lay on the floor laughing while Jiang did the same in his chair. “You’re both assholes.”

Two could play at this game, couldn’t they? If he was ever going to act gay, now was the prime moment. Removing his hands and turning his head to smile at Swan who was look particularly grumbly on the floor beside his seat, Joseph frowned while on the verge of bursting into laughter again. It caused for a quivering mouth that was having so much difficulty remaining upset. “I thought you told me I was sexable? Now you won’t even kiss me? Rude.”

“Oh God, I love you when you’re gay,” Jiang said after a whoop of joy, throwing his hands in the air and waving them around like he just didn’t care. Snapping and pointing a finger gun at Joseph, he added “Be gay more often and we’ll be the bestest of friends.” With his face burning hot, Joseph just rolled his eyes. “Hey, man, this is a gay slumber party. If you ain’t gay enough, you get thrown out.”

“It’s my house. And if you threaten to just leave, trust me, you won’t find me protesting.” Jiang looked unamused as he ate a chip. Sitting up and focusing on Swan, Joseph accused “You lied to me.”

“How so?” Swan asked, an eyebrow raised, as he scratched at his stomach. Joseph couldn’t help but trail Swan’s hands with his eyes as it moved down and started to scratch at the junction of his thigh. “I got an itch. Keep your eyes where they belong.”

“Uhuh. If I’m the bae, my eyes go where they please.” Joseph snorted to Jiang’s cheers in the background. “Anyways if you’re not even willing to kiss me, obviously I’m unsexable. So you lied in the car.”

“Don’t need to kiss to have sex,” Swan pointed out, stretching his arms up and letting out a satisfied groan. “Not that that type of sex is any fun. There’s gotta be kissing for it to be good.”

“Definitely has to be kissing,” Jiang agreed. “Take notes, K, we’re giving you sex lessons.”

Resting his back on the bit of wall that was under the movie screen, Joseph crossed his arms and replied “I’ve had sex; I don’t need lessons, thank you.”

Swan seemed disgusted by his answer. “You’ve had the gross straight people hookup. There are awesome straight people hookups but you’ve never had one of those. Yours are all fast and dirty in a car. Have you even had sex in a bed before?”

Images of a dorm room flashed, bringing back memories of fear and horror. Oh, he’d been in a bed before, alright. Drawing up his knees to his chest and setting his chin atop them, he looked down at the plush red carpet. The word slipped before he even processed the fact that his mouth was moving. “Once.”

With a snort of disdain, Jiang said “And what? Was it so bad that you were scarred for- never…mind. Sorry.” Joseph said nothing, his mood now ruined as he detailed every fiber of the carpet in his mind. The guys had their ideas of what they knew about him and there’d been too much traumatic proof for him to ever disprove their claims so he just left them open and unanswered. Apparently, Jiang had caught up on a secret. “K?”

“I’m fine,” he murmured so softly that he was surprised if either of the boys caught his words. “Just fine.”

Silence descended on them, a suffocating silence that grasped any noise that escaped and strangled it to nothing. The laughing mood of before had been ruined and Joseph felt guilty as hell because this wasn’t how sleepovers were supposed to go. He’d promised fun and he wasn’t delivering.

“You ever watch gay porn?” The question was so random after minutes of quiet that Joseph actually picked up his head to stare at Jiang. There was an underlying current of concern sitting on his face as he said “Have you?”

Biting his lip while blushing like an idiot, Joseph shook his head. He hadn’t even realized that Swan was right beside him, watching him carefully with so much care in his eyes that Joseph wanted to give in and throw himself on him and let him handle all the stress of Joseph’s life.

“Well…do you want to?”

“Not with you two sitting,” Joseph laughed before he even noticed he was speaking. Once the words were out, he couldn’t help but laugh again, covering his face in embarrassment. “Watch porn with you guys? Are you out of your mind?”

They seemed to realize that the dark had passed for the time being, Joseph not even needing to look at them to tell that they’d brightened with his laughter. “Come on,” Jiang drawled, a joyous giggle sitting at the edge of his voice, “are you worried about seeing our dicks? I think you’ll like mine.”

“Ewww,” Joseph giggled, though giggling was beyond him nowadays, behind his hands. He was definitely not looking at Jiang now. That was not the imagery he needed. “Shut up.”

“Plus,” Swan snorted, “even if we did watch, why do we have to whip ‘em-”

“Oh my God stop,” Joseph groaned, the guys’ laughs at his distress echoing around him. “I’ll throw your asses out.”

“No you won’t. You want to take this moment to enjoy being yourself.”

There was no way he could ever actually be himself but talking about these sorts of things did get him a step closer. Sighing and dropping his hands down, Joseph tipped his head back on the wall and stared up at the ceiling. He hadn’t ceiling watched in a long while, the action always having had a connection to a time shared with Ivo. “When…did…”

He felt Swan’s shoulder brush against his own. The warmth was much more comforting than he’d expected from having a guy touch him. But anything having to do with Swan seemed to prove this truth too. Swan was literally the comfort queen. “Keep going.”

“When…” Joseph huffed when he faltered again, not finding the nerve to ask his question. Shutting his eyes, he asked softly “When you guys…came out, did you…”

“Have problems?” Jiang finished for him. Joseph nodded, not bothering to look to see if Jiang caught it or not. “My parents weren’t totally cool with it, still kind of aren’t, but my grandparents are and my aunt so having them works for me. I still talk to my parents and I visit but it’s like we don’t talk about that part of me. Like they think it’ll disappear.”

“Does it bother you?” It’d driven him to insanity not getting to brag about having Emilio. Or even just acknowledging him in the way that he’d wanted to.

“Hell yeah,” Jiang snorted as Joseph opened his eyes and met his gaze. “I don’t want to have to leave out such an important part of me but…I love them and want them. I give them their five minutes and then I get my gay on over at my grandparents. It’s not ideal but it works for now.”

Thinking nothing of it and doing it more because he was lost in Jiang’s story, Joseph rested his head on Swan’s shoulder beside him. When he noticed what he’d done, his eyes widened and he froze. Jiang just smirked which was to be expected but he was surprised that Swan didn’t say anything. Joseph waited and waited and when it seemed like nothing was forthcoming, he solved the problem on his own by sitting himself right back up.

“Why’d you move?” Joseph turned and stared at Swan, not sure how to answer. The other boy stared back with an openness that looked like it missed the company. “I don’t mind.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t mind.”

“Jiang, shut up.”

Deciding that they were just going to ignore what happened, Joseph asked “How’d your family take it?”

Swan snorted so unattractively, literally sounding like a nasty ass pig, as he crossed his arms. “Man, I’ve been bouncing homes since I was eight. What fucking family?”

“The…rich white people that love you?”

A smile broke his annoyed façade. “Oh, those guys. Yeah, they’re chill about it. God, I love those rich white pricks.”

Joseph’s eyebrows went so high, he was sure he’d have eternal wrinkles up on his forehead. “You just called them pricks.”

“You love your ma, don’t you?”

“I’d fucking die for my mom.”

“Exactly,” Swan said with a snap of his fingers. “And yet, I’ve heard you call her a bitch. We all have certain understandings, Joseph.”

“Yup,” Jiang agreed, sliding off the seat and literally crawling over to them. Sitting himself across from Joseph and crossing his legs, he said “Now. We need to talk utter gayness and get this party back on track. Quick, big dick or big ass?”

“Uh…”

Swan shoved Jiang hard enough to where the smaller boy toppled backwards with a laugh. “That’s too advanced. We gotta start him somewhere easier.” Turning to Joseph and scooting just a bit closer, he murmured with careful narrow eyes that seemed like they could see into Joseph’s soul “Cuddling or space when you don’t want to talk?”

“Uh…”

A hand came flying from the side, catching Swan in the back of the head. Jiang’s annoyed face popped up a second later. “Fuck, man, that’s even more serious than mine! At least mine was superficial as fuck.” He gestured to Joseph but kept talking to Swan. “Look at him; he’s like a lost baby.”

“I’m not lost,” Joseph muttered, crossing his arms after pushing them both away. “I’m not some inexperienced little…I don’t know. Skov.” Both guys laughed. “I’m not Skov.” Feeling the need to prove himself between these shameless gays that he was so jealous of, Joseph snorted as posh as a Richard Gansey could. “I did have a boyfriend, you know.”

“Yeah, man, your Puerto Rican hotstuff,” Jiang said eagerly, looking like he was waiting for a bag of treats. “I remember.”

“Aw, how come he knows more than I do?”

Jesus Christ. Massaging his temples, Joseph muttered “Even when I try…” Jiang grinned manically like he knew exactly what they were doing. With a huff and crossing his arms once more, he said “The point is, I know my way around the park. Or whatever the fuck the saying is.”

“Except around totally hot-”

“Actually, I do,” Joseph interrupted Jiang before he turned the conversation back to his crude tendencies. “Just because I’ve never done it, doesn’t mean I’m stupid. We were planning on sex; we just didn’t get there.”

Or at least, he’d been planning. Had Emilio? The topic came to the point that Emilio had gotten annoyed of hearing it. What if he really hadn’t wanted to? Joseph sure had. He’d been dying for the chance. The irony of it all, he knew. He’d gone from wanting to make love to his boyfriend to hating and degrading anything remotely gay.

“Well…” Swan began slowly, not meeting Joseph’s eyes, “do…you want to get there?”

“Of course, he does,” Jiang snorted with a vicious eyeroll. “He just has this big barrier in his mind that won’t let him have a good time.” It was kind of scary how well they knew him. Especially because he’d never even told them anything of major importance. Grasping Joseph’s shoulders, Jiang whispered so loud that it could hardly be a whisper “We’ll get you there, buddy.”

Joseph shoved off the hands and scooted himself away, just far enough to give himself some space. He knew they weren’t thinking about how close they were but Joseph preferred bubble space. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“Hi, boyfriend!”

Oh, fuck him.

They all turned towards the doorway of the basement, his mother’s head glancing around the wall. She looked so excited to see ‘boyfriend’ that her eyes were almost as sparkly as they used to be. “Hi, Mrs. K,” Swan replied with a smile and a wave. “How are you?”

She seemed to take this as an invitation to come in as she skipped over with Walnut in tow. Coming to a stop beside Jiang, she dropped down onto the floor. “Oh, I’m good! Are you treating my baby good?”

“He’s a sweetheart on him,” Jiang notified as if he had any place in such a stupid conversation. Typically, he owned stupid convos but now wasn’t the time for him to join one. “Always caring for him and kissing him all soft-”

“Jiang,” Joseph warned, a note of irritation in his voice. “Stop.”

Swan moved closer but luckily kept his hands to himself. Joseph’s mother took in every movement, her hungry gaze brightening at how close he and Swan were now. “I take good care of him, Mrs. K. Promise.”

His mother smiled, tilting her head as she did, but there was a challenging glint in her eyes. “I hope you’re good with promises. My husband may be the mobster, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid or inept at certain things.” Beside him, Swan literally stopped breathing and Joseph didn’t blame him because she was talking creepy as fuck. “Don’t fuck up my son, boyfriend.”

For Swan’s sake, Joseph set his arm on his shoulder, the closest thing he could manage to touchy feely right now. “Don’t be ridiculous, mayko. He’s great.” He ignored Jiang’s smile but flicked his eyes to Swan when he noticed the way that Jiang’s had. There was a little tinge of pink on his cheeks as he chewed on a nail. If this fuck got to embarrass the fuck out of Joseph, then Joseph would do the same since they were already here. “He’s really sweet. A literal comfort queen.”

That last part made both Swan and Jiang laugh but it didn’t seem to convince his mother of anything. She seemed troubled even. “They all make promises in the beginning, Joseph. They all treat you like your everything until you’re stuck and you don’t know how to survive without them. Don’t let that be you.”

Well then. He really hoped she wasn’t implying anything about her and his father because…he wasn’t actually sure why but he just hoped not. They adored each other and the only reason Joseph believed that anything close to love existed was because of their devotion to one another. They weren’t the best but he’d always seen them as beautiful together.

“Noted,” he said softly, not sure on what else to say to that. It wasn’t like it’d be happening anyways being that him and Swan weren’t actually a thing. “You really don’t have anything to worry about.”

Leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his head, she whispered “I always worry for my beautiful boy.”

Shit, she was going to make him cry right now. Trying to dab at the corner of his eyes subtly even though everyone was staring, Joseph turned his head away. Meeting those looks meant more than just seeing tears in his eyes. He sensed more than saw her get up and leave without any other words and relief flushed through him. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, Joseph muttered “I swear to God if I look up right now and someone is looking at me-”

“Swan’s looking like he’s dying to cuddle you to death. He’s a cuddler. You’ve been warned.”

“Dude,” Swan snapped, “shut up.”

There was the sound of what could’ve been a tackle and probably was being that Swan was no longer beside him and Jiang in the corner of his eye looked twice the size. After some shuffling came some curses, a laugh, some more curses, and a groan of pain. When Joseph finally bothered to look, he found Swan sitting in front of him with feet crossed and hands interlaced in his lap. He wore a charming smile that made Joseph laugh before Jiang suddenly popped up from behind Swan.

And stuck his tongue in his ear.

Both he and Swan gagged as Jiang fell into a bout of laughter, rolling on the floor like the fool he was. “You’re fucking nasty,” Joseph groaned, rubbing his face as if he could erase what he just saw. “Why.”

“Because that keeps me interesting, love.”

“Fuck you. I’m Swan’s love.”

It was out before Joseph even realized it and by then, he didn’t care. He burst into laughter which was a signal apparently as both Swan and Jiang followed suit.

Maybe a totally gay slumber party was exactly what he’d been needing.


	119. Chapter 118

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy New year! Here's to hoping we all have a good one!
> 
> On the eighth day of Christmas, your hungry writer gave to you...
> 
> Too much domesticity for Joseph  
> Enjoy
> 
> PS. The banana thing is true. I heard it a few months ago
> 
> _“Are you two bitches done or you getting dirty in the hall?”_

Opening his eyes, Joseph blinked for a second, just a second to allow his groggy brain to catch up.

Then he slapped Jiang.

“Ow,” Jiang muttered, rubbing his ear where Joseph had popped him one. “What was that for?” he complained, crouching beside Joseph’s bed, his elbows making dents in the mattress as he set them down. “That hurt.”

Sitting up and stretching with a yawn, he gave Walnut who slept beside him a pat on the head before even bothering to formulate a reply for Jiang. He rubbed his eyes awake as he answered “Why the hell were you in my face?”

“Maybe I wanted to kiss you.”

“Bitch, that’s my boy. You kiss him, I break you.”

Jiang laughed as he glanced at Swan still wrapped up and supposedly asleep where he lay in his pile of blankets on the floor. “But I like his lips.”

“Ew,” Joseph said before deciding that Jiang deserve another slap. Unfortunately for Jiang, Joseph’s hand went out right when he turned back towards him, catching him in the nose. “Oops.”

“Oops!” Jiang snapped in pained annoyance, clutching his nose while glaring. He sounded hilariously nasally. “Fuck you. I changed my mind, you have ugly lips.”

“I find them gorgeous, baby, don’t you worry,” Swan called from the floor where he’d set up his bed by the balcony. “Don’t listen to a word he says.”

As if he would have. Plus, it wasn’t like he was looking for these two asshole’s opinions on his looks. Rolling his eyes and taking out his coke, Joseph set up a line and played the vacuum to the powder. Jiang was watching all this intently as if he’d never even seen Joseph snort before he asked “Is it worth it?”

Closing his eyes and letting the high flow through his veins, Joseph waited a moment to savor it though it wasn’t as delightfully delicious as it’d been once. Getting high was a chore as bad as taking out the trash was. “The high?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

He looked surprised at Joseph’s answer or maybe it was the honesty. Shrugging, Jiang rolled back into his own set up of blankets and pulled out his phone as Joseph walked over to his bathroom. “I gotta admit, K, you know how to be normal. Who would’ve thought?”

This gave him pause as he entered the bathroom. It gave him so much pause that his dying need to piss was just going to have to take a moment on hold. Turning back to face Jiang who was now smiling up at his phone, Joseph asked “Normal?”

“Yeah, you know, normal. Decently cool.”

Joseph…was cool. Those words didn’t sit in the same sentence and never had. _Kavinsky_ was cool and had been told so but Joseph? All they’d done yesterday was mess around, watch a couple movies, and play Xbox. That was cool? Normal? Scratching just below his ear while looking everywhere but who he was speaking to, Joseph said softly “Like…the kind of cool that makes friends?”

This seemed to be enough to make Swan stop acting like he was asleep. Sitting up and looking particularly rumply, Swan had concern written all over his face. Joseph was sure that there was also just a little bit of pity there too and he hated it. Hell, he even hated the concern which he usually didn’t mind too much. “We’re your friends, you know that, yeah?”

Really, Joseph only considered them kinda buddies because, well…when it came down to it, they weren’t there for him the way a friend should be. Or maybe they would be if he’d let them but he felt like they wouldn’t even with the opportunity. They all liked each other more than they liked him and he knew Jiang talked a lot of shit behind his back. “Yeah, yeah, of course,” he lied going into the bathroom and slamming the door shut.

Of course.

Yeah, okay.

By the time he got out of the bathroom, he found his room cleaned and the guys gone. But they were loud and their voices carried him to the kitchen where Swan was making…pancakes. “What are you doing.”

“Duh,” Jiang snorted from where he sat on the counter beside the stove, “Pancakes.” He took a bite from his banana and disgustingly spoke with his mouth full. “I heard this rapper once say on a radio show that dudes, especially black guys, shouldn’t eat bananas in public. What do you think?”

“What?”

Swan was giving Jiang the side eye like he wasn’t liking this stupidity either. “The fuck are you saying? If I want to eat a goddamn banana, then I’m going to eat a goddamn banana. Fuck this dude whoever he is. What’s wrong with eating a banana?”

“It’s sexual apparently,” Jiang laughed, tossing his banana at the trash and missing. Joseph loved how his eyes immediately sought his, looking guilty as fuck.

_“Oops,” Jiang murmured off somewhere to the side. Joseph was too focused on making sure he didn’t lose to Swan in COD. He’d only ever played with him a few times before so Joseph had no idea that he was this fucking good. He was going to win this round if it killed him. “I got it.”_

_“Got what?” Swan said right before he sniped off Joseph’s head._

_“Fuck!” Groaning at being Swan’s winning kill – again – Joseph glanced in Jiang’s direction now that he had the time. He couldn’t see anything except Jiang sitting and looking down between his legs. “What?”_

_Jiang’s head shot up as he stared at Joseph with wide eyes. “Nothing.”_

_Well that was suspicious as fuck. Dragging himself over to Jiang because he didn’t feel like walking, Joseph came to a halt beside him, an angry bubble growing inside of him as he stared down at the carpet. Resting his arm on the theater seat behind him and leaning into Jiang’s space, Joseph said “I don’t know if you know this but basements don’t come with carpet installed. I paid for this nice carpet that you’re sitting your ass down on as you watch Mountain Dew seep into it.”_

_“It is nice.”_

_He nodded, “Yeah, yeah it is. Go upstairs to the kitchen and in the cabinet under the sink, there’s cleaning supplies. Go get them and clean my floor.” His eyes caught on the crumbs Jiang was trying to cover with his leg. Patting him on the shoulder Joseph said with a nasty grin “The vacuum’s in the closet under the stairs.”_

“I’ll make you mop the fucking floor.”

“Shit,” Jiang said as he quickly slid down the counter and ran to the banana peel, picking it up and making it into the trash. “I never knew you’re such a fucking neat freak, goddamn.”

“You see this house,” Joseph asked, spreading his arms wide to encompass the monstrosity that he lived in. Jiang nodded. “I clean it. Alone. You have trouble keeping your half of a dorm clean. Put all that in some perspective.”

“Fair point.”

“Should I make some for your mom?”

Joseph glanced over to Swan who was waiting over the pan filled with sizzling butter, ladle of mix in hand. “Uh…one. Thanks.” Swan nodded and poured the batter in. He had to admit, Swan knew how to make pretty pancakes. “Before we get too far into domesticity, you guys get to eat but then you gotta leave. No debate.” This was all getting too chummy and Joseph knew that he’d start wanting this more. He’d want people more.

Wanting was a dangerous thing. Especially when your wants were always let down.

“Damn,” Jiang complained as he came to stand beside Joseph who was now looking through the fridge. “And here I thought I’d get to play voyeur to some hot love making between-”

 

 

“Well, well, what a sight to see on such a fine Sunday afternoon,” Joseph murmured to himself as he drove, a shit eating grin growing on his face. Really, it was about to take up the _entirety_ of his face.

That was how much this sight pleased him.

Just ahead of him was Ronan Lynch’s glorious BMW, sharp as ever. Being that Joseph lived in the richer bullshit part of town and Ronan didn’t, nor was there anything here that Ronan would come driving around for…

It meant Lynch had come for him.

His plan had been to go bug Skov for the afternoon and catch sight of Jiang so he could laugh at his face after what happened this morning but this was great too. Joseph could always bug his dudes later. Coming to stop beside Lynch even though the intersection stop light was screaming at them to drive, Joseph rolled down his passenger window as Lynch rolled his driver’s.

Showtime.

With Jiang’s advice that every man just may be a little gay, Joseph had been doing a lot of thinking. And looking. His looking hadn’t actually done him any good because he sure hadn’t seen any proof yet that Lynch just might go a little towards the fag side but he knew how to piss off a straight boy with one simple word.

“Fag.”

And he stepped on his gas pedal, making his beauty roar, just to emphasize his point.

It was a curious thing when Lynch didn’t even seem to be bothered by the word. Or maybe he just wasn’t showing it. Joseph liked to think himself a pretty good expert on how to tell when a Lynch – minus Matthew – was pissed and right now, this Lynch didn’t look at all angry.

Interesting.

“Russian,” Ronan replied, emphasizing his own point with a step on the BMW’s pedal. The engine was a beauty, growling out its presence, but it was like a syrupy soft to his Mitsu. A slinking silent but no less dangerous leopard to his loud hulking lion.

Joseph wanted to laugh at the petty insult but instead he settled for a sly smile. “Hey now, let’s not make this ugly.” He expected a retort back but instead, Lynch turned to the side and looked like he was shuffling through his center console for something. Was whatever it was the reason he’d found him in his domain?

Interesting.

Everything turned a thousand more times interesting when Lynch suddenly tossed something through the windows, the item plopping down onto the passenger racing seat with a soft little _thump._

Sunglasses. Lynch had tossed him sunglasses. And not just any pair of sunglasses.

These looked incredibly familiar.

Interesting just turned into life changing.

Picking up the glasses, Joseph took them in carefully, examining every inch from the frame shape to the little screws. He knocked his own glasses down his nose just a little so he could properly judge the shade of tint. It was a little darker than it should be but this was damn good work. It reeked of otherness and Joseph had never loved something more than this simple pair of white sunglasses.

This simple pair of sunglasses was all the proof in the world that he needed. And now that Lynch was catching up to the game…

Life was going to get serious fast.

Giving Lynch a pleased smile because good on him for figuring out the plays, he asked “Well done, Lynch. Where’d you find them?” The only response he received was silence and a thin smile like ‘fuck you if you actually think I’d tell.’ Which was okay, Joseph understood. All that mattered was that the bracelets had been the push he’d needed to get Lynch moving.

Lynch was finally going to play the dreaming game.

What’d also come to his attention was two things. One, Lynch had to have _specifically_ dreamed for Joseph. That was one big huge fucking biggie right there. Number two was that he’d shut of his air-co. A lesser thing, really, but just as important. He shut off his own as he asked “That’s how it’s gonna be? Hard to get?”

Joseph flashed a quick glance to the opposite light going yellow and readied his foot on the gas and his hand on the gear shift after setting down the glasses.

“Yes.”

They’d both been waiting for it, the light to go green, and the second it did, each of them exploded from the intersection. They hadn’t needed a signal, they just knew. For the first few seconds, to his utter delight, Joseph and his glorious Mitsu pulled ahead with a dangerous snarl. But yet with another few, he was already falling behind. “Ah, fuck,” he grumbled as the BMW began to stretch farther and farther away.

It killed him to admit it but Lynch had more skill with his shifts than Joseph did.

Deciding that he wasn’t going to let Ronan get the last laugh, Joseph honked twice and stuck his hand out, flipping the fucking bird before Ronan took a corner. “Fucking bitch,” Joseph laughed as he slowed to decent enough speed. Not the limit but to decency. “Fucking. Bitch.”

Finally, _fucking finally_ , Lynch looked like he was picking up on the game. Grabbing the glasses and admiring not them but what they represented, Joseph laughed the lightest laugh he’d had in months.

Because fucking finally Lynch understood the game. He may not say it or admit to it, but he understood. And that meant everything.

Everything and more.


	120. Chapter 119

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the ninth day of Christmas, your tired writer gave to you...
> 
> Some really good dramaaa  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Oh, we’re perfect, K!”_

“Why are…you staring at me like that?” Joseph asked slowly, as Skov opened the door to Swan’s room. It was like he was being fed the evil death glare that Skov only reserved for when he was complaining about his mother. “What?”

Letting Joseph in before he shut the door and crossed his arms angrily, Skov pursed his lips tightly. Joseph wanted to laugh and say they looked bigger and he was going to give Jiang more ideas but he didn’t think either Skov nor Jiang were in the mood for him. Actually, he knew that Jiang wasn’t and he assumed Skov wasn’t.

But Jiang definitely wasn’t.

When Puppy just kept staring with his narrowed eyes and tussled hair, Joseph shrugged and spun around, finding Jiang and Prokopenko ignoring him as they sat huddled under the window looking at someone’s phone and Swan on his bed reading a magazine. It took him a moment to realize that the burning in his side was actually John’s curious glance. John who looked normal just like a couple days ago.

It was unsettling.

“What’s their problems?” Joseph asked, gesturing to the assholes, even though he was sure John wouldn’t have the answer. It was silly but he wondered that if John had been the bragging type or the type that spoke to Charles call me Chuck and told him that he hung around them, would Chuck boy get jealous?

Probably.

“You can sit here,” John offered, patting the edge of his bed. There were books strewn all over the place and it wasn’t until Joseph sat that he noticed that not one was religious. That was new. “And Blake and Sasha are annoyed that they didn’t get invited to the sleepover.”

Oh for… “It wasn’t like it was a fucking party.” Realizing that he was explaining this to the wrong person, he turned on the bed and said to Skov who was still standing by the door of the small room “It’s not like it was a fucking party.”

Just from Skov’s face, he could see that war happening in his head. He wanted to keep the silent treatment going but he also wanted to give his side of the issue. Eventually, Skov’s need to talk things out won over. “It didn’t have to be! You could’ve invited when it all was decided.”

“Why,” Jiang snorted, still not looking up from the phone, “so you could get popped one in the face too?”

“You deserved that,” Joseph called before deciding that he was going to be an ass and totally rub it in as he bounced from John’s bed to Swan’s. Sitting on the edge so he was almost right in front of Jiang, he leaned down and titled his head to get a proper look. “It really brings out your eyes.”

Jiang glanced up and gave him a nasty glare that didn’t last for long because narrowing his eyes must hurt on account of the blossomed bruise just under his left one. “Fuck you.” Glancing around Joseph, he called “Swan, beat the shit out of him.”

“Why would I do that.”

“Because he deserves it!” Skov suddenly snapped, punching Joseph in the shoulder. It was a shitty punch but he got props for trying. Skov had never hit anyone beyond little slaps. He stood fuming beside Joseph, his arms pressed to his sides and his fists clenched. “I’m upset with you.”

“That…is apparent,” Joseph replied, on the verge of laughing because puppy looking pissed was truly hilarious. Skov caught his lip quivering with the onslaught of laughter and frowned deeper, making his whole face scrunch inwards. “The punch was cute.”

If it was possible for the whole steam coming out from a pissed person’s head to actually happen in real life, it’d be happening to Skov right now. Taking a deep breath and shutting his eyes, Skov said in a steady voice after unclenching his hands “I’m upset with you and we’re not talking anymore.”

Well then. “Over a sleepover?” Opening his eyes, he went and sat beside John, completely ignoring Joseph’s question. It annoyed him to no end but he wasn’t going to let Skov know it. Shrugging and focusing back on Jiang, he snorted “Whatever. Go fuck yourself.” He nudged Jiang’s calf with his foot, “Wanna-”

“I don’t ‘wanna’ anything with you,” Jiang interrupted before Joseph even had the chance to finish his question. “You don’t just get to blacken my face and expect me to smile for you. I’m not you.”

The last statement made him pause what would’ve been a taunting session. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jiang stayed silent so Joseph nudged his leg again. “What’s that supposed to mean? Fuckwad, answer me.”

When Joseph get nudging and nudging, Jiang shoved the foot away and threw his hands in the air after tossing the phone into Prokopenko’s lap. “It means when someone hits me, I’m not going to act like it’s okay-”

“Jiang,” Swan said in a warning tone.

“No,” Jiang snapped, getting to his feet. “Lemme fucking finish.” He pointed a cruel finger in Joseph’s confused direction. “Don’t fucking baby him-”

Baby him?

“Just because-”

“Xia,” Swan said, and they all knew shit was getting serious. Not only because of, duh, first name, but because Swan tossed his magazine to the side and sat up straight. “Think about what you want to say next.”

“I’m not Mr. Abuse Victim here who gets hit by daddy and says it’s okay.”

“Jiang, you didn’t,” came Skov’s soft voice in a whisper. “Oh fuck.”

Joseph couldn’t believe the words either. He couldn’t believe them and yet he hated how true they were. “What did you just say,” he hissed, getting to his feet and using his height to tower over Jiang. It wasn’t hard being that there was little space to maneuver so Joseph could just loom. “Say that to my face, you fucking-”

“Alright, calm down,” Swan said quickly, his hand unexpectedly coming out of nowhere and softly rubbing Joseph’s shoulder. Joseph had to admit, it was pretty calming. “Let’s just go breathe for a second before things get too ugly.” When Joseph didn’t budge, Swan pushed him in the direction of the door, Jiang’s smirk seeing them out. “Okay,” he sighed sliding Joseph down the wall to take a seat on the floor. “Good.”

Shoving the asshole’s hands off, Joseph tried to get up but found Swan’s hands keeping him in place. “What the fuck, man, let go.”

Swan crouched down in front of him, looking at him like he’d never seen him look at him before. Joseph wasn’t even sure what the fuck that emotion was. “You chill?”

“I’m fucking fine,” he snapped, trying and failing to get up once more. When pushing off Swan’s hands proved impossible, Joseph added “Fucking let me up. What the hell, Swan.”

“Not until you relax.”

What the fuck was this? An anger intervention? Giving up on getting up for the moment, Joseph crossed his arms and more or less pouted. “Why am I always the bad guy?”

He tried not to appreciate the way Swan’s hand felt running through his hair. It was like he was petting him and it was weird as fuck because they sure as hell did not do that, had never done that, and Joseph typically didn’t allow it to be done by anyone anyways. And yet…here they were. “Jiang just likes riling you up, you know that.”

“He’s a piece of shit.”

“You also know that,” Swan laughed, still petting Joseph who’d deny ever liking this. “That’s not news.” Joseph just settled for a grimace as he drew one of his knees up and stretched the other leg out. “It’s just how he is and it’s just how you are-”

“Why does Skov get to be pissed? He’s acting ridiculous.” Swan laughed again which kind of bugged Joseph though he wasn’t sure why. Shoving off the stupid petting hand, he snapped “Stop doing that. I don’t like it.”

With a crooked brow raised, Swan smiled a cheeky little smile. “You sure?”

Heat burned his cheeks as he turned away to stare down the hall. No, he wasn’t sure, but he’d deny that until the end of time. He wasn’t a fucking dog, thank you. “Why does Skov get to be upset?” he repeated, trying to get this conversation in focus and ignore the way his heart picked up from the intensity of Swan’s gaze. “He’s being stupid.”

Before he even had a chance to protest, Swan was petting him all over again after sitting down. He was closer than Joseph remembered him being but they weren’t exactly touching beyond the petting so… “Does it bother you?”

Still not meeting Swan’s eyes, Joseph mumbled “It’s not fair. It’s not like it was my idea; you guys just jumped in and forced yourselves on me and my house.”

 

* * *

 

Shit fuck, he’d made a huge mistake. He should’ve never brought him out here so they could be alone. In fact, Finlay should’ve just let him and Jiang deal with their shit on their own.

He was going to beat the shit out of Jiang. This was all his fault in every single damn way.

Finlay wasn’t sure if K knew that he was tilting his head into his hand but he sure as fuck wasn’t going to tell him. He couldn’t believe he was thinking this but…Jesus, Joseph was gloriously beautiful when he pouted. Not in his looks per se, no, but just the whole aura of him pouting was beautiful. “I’ll…talk to him if you want.”

It was a dangerous thing to offer because he knew for a fact that Kavinsky would get pissed for what he’d perceive as pity but Finlay was going to go for it. “Fuck him.”

_“I’ve caught him staring at Skov a few times but not you.”_

_Oh my God, brain, shut the fuck up. That’s not what he meant._ “Nah, man, c’mon, he’s just upset over something little. No need to erase him. You know he’s sensitive about being left out and that’s what he’s feeling is all.” Kavinsky flicked him a side glance but kept his head facing down the hall. Even then though, he subconsciously tilted his head just a bit more into Finlay’s ministrations. “Good thing about Skov is that he both sucks at the silent treatment and he likes to talk things out. He’ll come around.”

Kavinsky’s anger dampened just a bit, his face falling into resignation before he remembered something because his temper flared all over again as he slapped Finlay’s hand off. Really, Finlay was already missing his newfound hobby. “Fine but I’m going to kick Jiang’s stupid ass. No discussion on that one.”

High maintenance without a doubt. Jesus above, Finlay just might be falling in love with the worst person to fall for. “He fucked up-”

“Yeah, he fucking did, that fucking piece of-”

“Are you two bitches done or you getting dirty in the hall?”

_Oh for fuck’s sake, Jiang…_

Finlay barely had a chance to grab Joseph’s waist and pull him back as he literally leapt at Jiang. Not that Jiang didn’t deserve it because he _really_ did right about now. He sent the nastiest glance he could summon at the laughing asshole while keeping K back as best as he could. Who would’ve thought that the day would come that Finlay of all people was on Kavinsky’s side?

“Dammit,” Kavinsky snapped, trying to push Finlay’s arm off. “Swan, let go. _Swan._ ”

“Yeah, Swan, let your bae go or does being your bitch mean he can’t fight his own battles now?”

 _Why, just why, do you have to do this?_ He knew what his words would do and what kind of hate they’d inspire. For fuck’s sake, they’d been talking about K getting raped and now he was mocking him? Did he forget or something? “Jiang. _Fuck,_ ” he snapped, catching an elbow to the gut as Kavinsky wiggled himself out of his grip and tackled Jiang to the floor. “Fuck.”

“Uh oh,” John said with wide eyes, appearing in the doorway with Skov and Prokopenko behind him. “Um, guys?”

“You.” K slammed a fist into Jiang’s face. “Fucking.” Punch. “Piece.” Punch again. “Of-”

Grabbing Kavinsky around the waist and dragging him back before he could do anymore punctuating his points, Finlay kept his arms looped tight around him and sat his ass down firmly on the hallway floor. A couple doors opened and peeked through to the situation but once they saw who it was between, they quickly shut their doors. “Relax.”

“Fuck you, you piece of shit,” Kavinsky snapped, trying to pull himself out of the tight grasp but epically failing. He tried everything from pinching to slapping to attempting to elbow again – Finlay wasn’t falling for that again – but failed at all of them. “Dammit, let go!”

Jiang sat up, his face ugly from anger and blood, looking furious as hell. “Keep your boy on fucking leash, Swan. Maybe fuck him so he loses some of that tension.”

“You keep talking,” Kavinsky snarled, practically strangling himself to get out of Finlay’s grasp like a fucking noodle, “and you won’t have a damn tongue to talk with.”

In response, Jiang laughed. More like bellowed actually and flipped Kavinsky off once he got to his feet. Nodding at Finlay, he said with a mocking tone “Fuck him good now. Good and hard.” Spinning around, he walked towards the stairs, flipping them off as he did.

“Fuck you!” Kavinsky yelled after him, still trying to pull himself out of Finlay’s arms. “FUCK YOU! I’M GOING TO FUCKING-”

“Stop,” Finlay snapped, emphasizing his point by squeezing the crap out of K. Kavinsky coughed and Finlay felt bad but at least it shut him up. “Just stop,” he said in a softer voice, flicking a glance to the guys still standing in the doorway and nodding for them to go in. Luckily, they understood easily and shut the door. But just in case they decided to listen in even though Finlay knew John wouldn’t let them, he dragged himself and Kavinsky back a few feet. “Calm down.”

K stopped fighting him and simply settled into his arms in defeat. “I hate him,” he mumbled in so much sadness that Finlay wanted to beat the shit out of Jiang right this second in revenge. “I hate him, hate him, hate him.”

He was so overstepping his bounds right now but fuck boundaries, man. Fuck them. Finlay pulled Joseph, not the asshole Kavinsky, closer and rested his cheek against the side of his head. “He’s just being an ass,” he replied as soothingly as he knew possible.

“No, he’s being mean,” Joseph said so quietly that Finlay barely even caught the words. “Which, I deserve, sure but…he could’ve said anything besides mocking me for…being a fag.”

Yup, he was definitely kicking Jiang’s ass later. “He’s stupid and upset and when he gets upset, he lashes out the only way he knows how.” His instinct told him to press a kiss to Joseph’s temple but he knew he’d be dead for even thinking it. Instead, Finlay settled for pressing his face closer. Kind of like a kiss but a side face kiss. “He’s probably already feeling guilty as fuck, I promise.”

Sighing, Joseph said nothing and did nothing. Finlay wondered if he was enjoying being in his arms. Did it give him a sense of security? Safety? Just the feeling that someone cared? He sure hoped so because that’s what he was aiming for. They sat like that for a few more long peaceful moments before Joseph whispered “So…you plan on letting me go anytime soon?”

Honestly, no, he really didn’t want to. He was enjoying this too much. But Finlay didn’t want to push his luck. Unwrapping his arms, hoping that his reluctance didn’t show, Finlay snorted in the most normal voice he could manage “Yeah. Damn, man, take advantage of my kindness. Making me smell like weed.”

Joseph actually smelled himself and then gave Finlay the sexiest glare he’d ever seen.

Aw fuck, man. Sexy?

Finlay inwardly groaned at himself.

“I smell good!”

“You do, you do,” Finlay laughed, raising his hands in defense. “Sorry, sorry.” Joseph just shook his head and laughed, looking a little better. Obviously the hug had done its job. “My fucking bad, K.”

“Damn straight,” Joseph snorted in amusement, his eyes sparkling like Finlay had never seen.

Or…he had and just was now starting to notice.

Fuck.

 

 

“Mr. Swan, what’s good?”

Finlay shoved Charles call me Chuck out of the way and entered the room. Jiang didn’t even spare him a glance from where he sat on his bed, Isha curled into his side. “We need to talk.” With a very unattractive snort, Jiang kept his head to his phone where it seemed like he and Isha were watching a movie. Realizing that no words were forthcoming and knowing an audience would be no good, he added “Xia, now, privately.”

Isha was already getting up but Jiang wrapped his arm around his boy’s middle and kept him in place. “Chuck, fuck off, man.”

Mr. Douche held his hands up and backed out the door. “Gone.”

Locking the door after him, Finlay asked “Isha, can you-”

“No, he stays. What do you want.”

“We need to talk about the shit you said.”

Another snort, far more uglier than the last. “Just because you’ve decided you want him, which is cool, doesn’t mean he gets to be an ass and have you back him up.” Isha looked uncomfortably between them before slowly plucking the phone out of Jiang’s fingers and pushing his boyfriend’s face with just a finger until it faced Finlay. “He doesn’t get to just act like everything is fine after punching me.”

“He’s stupid, you know that. And I ain’t saying that you’re wrong,” Finlay sighed, avoiding the entire half of Charles call me Chuck’s side of the room and coming to a halt at Jiang’s desk. “You’re right, he can’t do that but the shit you said? You pushed the line, man. Pushed it hella far.”

Jiang just shrugged, though Finlay was sure that if moving his face didn’t cause his bruises to stretch in pain, he would’ve had one hell of an expression. “Oh well.”

“Not oh well,” he snapped in frustration. Didn’t this idiot get it? Leaning on the edge of the desk and crossing his arms, Finlay said “I talked him down from breaking your face for the first shit you said but then you had the goddamn nerve to come out and trash him again. Trash him with shit you should’ve never touched.”

He appreciated the fact that there was just an ounce of guilt on Jiang’s face. Isha had his head tilted up to stare an Jiang and when Jiang caught that sweet disappointed gaze, he looked even guiltier. “Dammit,” Jiang muttered, turning his head to the side to not look at anyone.

“He literally said you could’ve mocked him for anything and he would’ve dealt.” Finlay wanted to make sure he stuck the knife in deep before he broke his face. That way Jiang had hurts on the inside and outside. Cruel but worth it. “But you chose the one thing he trusts you with and you made a fool out of him. The one damn thing, Jiang.”

Finlay wasn’t sure if Isha had caught onto what that one thing was but he sure looked distressed. If anyone was going to make Jiang feel guilty as fuck, it’d be his sweets. Jiang sat up straight against his headboard and gazed out to the side at nothing. “I fucked up.”

And there was that admittance. Good. Now Finlay got to beat the shit out of him. His fists were itching like hell. “You damn well fucked up.” Nodding in Isha’s direction, he said “Out, please, unless you want to watch me beat the shit out of your boyfriend.”

Isha’s brown doe eyes went wide as he quickly sat up. “I really don’t think-”

“Oh, it’s necessary. If anyone talked shit about you – which they don’t, don’t worry – he’d fucking shiv them. This is me doing the same. Out, man.”

“I’m not going to just let you hit me,” Jiang snorted, crossing his arms and glaring at Finlay in challenge. “You wanna go? We’ll fucking go but expect to be on the receiving end of some pain.”

“Xia,” Isha said softly, looking more worried than a mother duck.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he replied, pressing a kiss to Isha’s lips before murmuring against them, “Off you go. I’ll catch you later.”

They both waited silently for Isha to leave before Jiang got to his feet. “Let’s have at it, bitch. All this for Kavinsky? He’s just gonna end up breaking your heart, I hope you know that.”

Standing up straight and loosening his shoulders, Finlay said nothing. There was a really high chance that’d be true but then there was also a chance he’d get K to come around. A much smaller chance than his heart shattering but he was willing to try.

“That or he’ll keep you but as a dirty faggy secret.”

“I don’t allow for dirty secrets,” Finlay snorted before he swung. The punch connected with Jiang’s jaw, stunning the other boy for a moment, and giving Finlay enough time to take a cheap shot at his groin. The point was pain not suffering. “This,” he said, sitting himself down on Jiang’s chest, “is for making K feel like shit.”

His fist connected with flesh.


	121. Chapter 120

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the tenth day of Christmas your highly caffeinated writer gave to you...
> 
> A scheming Joseph  
> Enjoy
> 
> P.S. My amazeballs beta wrote a fic about what happens when Joseph wants something cool like Chainsaw  
> [The Truth About Cats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17279537/chapters/40638812)
> 
> _“Goodies, Joseph, goodies!”_

Days passed and certain things had become apparent. Some more important than others but no less of an important detail to take note of.

One, Jiang hated him and wasn’t talking to him anytime soon. Which, fine, he wanted to play that way? Cool. Joseph could play that way too.

Two, Joseph didn’t remember blackening Jiang’s face so bad but everyone was attributing it to him so he really wasn’t sure what to make of it. He’d gotten in some really nice throws, not to that extent, but okay. Apparently his fists were stronger than he knew.

Three, Skov was ready to break any day now, Joseph could feel it in the air. The little blonde boy’s mouth would open and then close like he was just barely stopping himself and a frustrated flash of annoyance would simmer in his eyes as he did. Talking was coming and Joseph couldn’t have been happier. It was weird having the pup mad at him.

Four, Swan was acting weird as fuck. This particular detail could be broken down in many ways. For example, and it’d taken Joseph a full day of really paying attention to notice this, but Swan was getting…touchy. It wasn’t a touchy where Joseph really registered it or even felt disgusted by it. No, it was more like simple brushes of the hand or the side or the leg. Casual touches that one wouldn’t pay attention to unless they were really searching for it. Joseph surprisingly didn’t mind the touches but they were no less weird.

It wasn’t just the touching though, he was acting…nicer. Swan was typically a good guy on a good day and they sometimes had their falling outs which made them both bad guys on bad days. That was normal and they were used to it. What Joseph wasn’t used to was…whatever the fuck was wrong with Swan nowadays. He didn’t know how to handle it besides for just letting it happen and seeing where it took him. So far, he’d earned extra little smiles and laughs. Those things were nice.

But weird.

Detail number five was the one of most importance between all these little things though.

Joseph was pretty sure Lynch was gay. Or at least swinging in some way.

He couldn’t help that his eyes would roam to Ronan whenever he caught even the slightest sight of him. It was just a natural magnetic reaction from dreamer to dreamer. And because he was paying such important attention to his fellow dreamer, Joseph noticed how, just barely, his gaze would linger a little longer on a certain someone.

Adam Parrish.

It pissed him off because why couldn’t Lynch look his way? Sure, Adam _was_ handsome in that wholesome way but Joseph was nice to look at too. On a good day.

Lynch looking at Parrish was monumental though because it meant Joseph actually had a shot. Dreamer for dreamer. The funny thing about this all was how this detail tied in with the last one. For some reason, Swan genuinely hated Ronan. Joseph had no idea why but once he noticed the subtle hate once, it was suddenly the only thing he noticed.

Weird. As. Fuck.

“I think I’m gonna plan a party,” he mused as he lounged on Prokopenko’s bed, the owner of said bed stretched out on the floor. A party that might catch Lynch’s attention? But no, Lynch had been busy these past couple months because of God knew what… Joseph would need something to catch Ronan’s attention to get him to the party.

He’d think on that one.

“Party, woo, woo,” Prokopenko drawled tiredly from the floor. One would think he’d been working so hard today from how exhausted he sounded. One would be wrong of course. Prokopenko hadn’t moved since Joseph had gotten here in the morning.

“That was the saddest woo I’ve ever heard,” Joseph snorted, stretching out his underused and underdeveloped muscles. Really, he should say his nonexistent muscles. He had none besides for the limpy noodles that helped his body move. “You’re fired.”

“Okay!”

Joseph turned his head to stare in confusion at the blonde boy who’d come bursting into the room, Swan behind him. The outburst was even enough for Prokopenko to lift his head and stare. That there was monumental. “Uh…okay?”

“You’re forgiven!” Skov snapped, sounding…pretty pissed to be giving out forgiveness. Rubbing his face and groaning, he took the one step to his bed and plopped onto it facedown. “You’re forgiven,” he repeated, his voice muffled, “just say sorry.”

He still believed it wasn’t his fault but if they could move on, he could apologize. It was just a damn word anyways. “Sorry,” he yawned, stretching again and leaving his eyes shut. Hot days just made a person sleepy as fuck. “Next time there’s a sleepover, you’re invited.”

Opening his eyes wasn’t necessary to know that Skov’s head had flown up in delight. It also wasn’t necessary to know that the weight dipping the mattress beside his legs was Swan. “Really? Really, really? Promise?”

“Promise,” he replied. It’d been an easy promise to keep being that he didn’t plan to have any sleepovers whatsoever in the foreseeable future. “We good now?”

“Oh, we’re perfect, K!”

“Jesus Christ,” Joseph laughed, rubbing his eyes open as something brushed against his leg. Something was Swan and it just seemed like he was fixing himself cross-legged on the bed but…still. Joseph was pretty sure that it was deliberate. And surprisingly…he was okay with that. He turned his head to look at Skov who was making a blanket angel on his bed. “I’m thinking party tomorrow night. What do you think? Proko isn’t coherent enough for me.”

“He’s tired,” came a mumble from the floor.

Skov’s thinking face stared up at the ceiling as he continued his making of an angel. Arms up, legs in. Legs out, arms down. “Could be fun.”

“But?”

It seemed like Skov hesitated for a moment before flopping his head to the side to face Joseph. “Jiang.” Pulling out the box of cigarettes from the pocket of his worn out basketball shorts, Joseph pulled the last one out with his teeth and tossed the empty box at Skov. “Hey!”

“Fuck him,” Joseph snorted, lighting up his cigarette and waiting for som- “Hey, hey!” He tried to grab his cigarette back from Swan but the fucker put it out on the bottom of his slipper with a challenging gleam in his eyes. Crossing his arms, Joseph snapped “The fuck was that for?”

“No smoking in here.”

“Since when has that bothered you?”

With a shrug in his neon blue tank top, Swan replied “It did today.”

“Ass,” Joseph grumbled, dropping himself back down on the bed. “You’re not invited to my party anymore.”

“Party? Oh right, party.” Swan shrugged before he stretched his arms up high with a satisfied groan. “Anyways, I’m busy so I can’t go.”

Busy? What the fuck? “Busy with what?”

“Shit.”

Joseph didn’t like this explanation being that it was definitely not an explanation. He couldn’t think of one party Swan hadn’t been at and as history had proven, parties without his dudes sucked. “What shit?”

Swan shrugged again but didn’t meet Joseph’s eyes. What the fuck was this about? He obviously had nothing to do. “Is this ‘cause of me not inviting Jiang?” Swan laughed but shook his head to the negative. “Then what?”

“I’m just busy, man.”

“Bullshit,” Joseph snorted, sitting up and poking Swan in the arm until he looked at him. Narrowing his eyes, he asked “Why won’t you come?” The asshole was looking so amused that now Joseph was getting pissed off. “Fine,” he muttered, trying not to pout like an idiot. “Whatever. None of you want to come? Fuck all of you. I’ll enjoy it by myself.”

He probably wouldn’t but fuck them.

With a smirk upon a mean realization, Joseph feigned nonchalance as he stretched himself out again and shut his eyes. “Lynch is more interesting than you guys anyways.” The air within the room evaporated and Joseph was more than sure that it’d all been sucked in by Swan. Whatever his reason was in disliking Lynch, Joseph was going to use it against him. Busy? Yeah, okay. “I’ll just get high with him and-”

“Lynch doesn’t even get fucking high,” Swan all but snapped, annoyance just laced under his tone. Joseph opened an eye just a slit and peered at the irritated boy beside his legs. He had his arms crossed and looked like he wanted to grumble on his breath. Instead, he looked over to Joseph, and, seeing his eye peeking which caused Joseph to smile and stick out the tip of his tongue, blushed like hell.

Blushed?

“Fuck you, dammit,” Swan grumbled, looking away quickly once Joseph opened his eyes fully and sat up. He wanted a closer look but there was no way without grabbing Swan’s face. “If, _if_ , I’m free, I’ll be there.”

“Jiang?” Skov asked softly.

He was on the verge on straight up taking back his apology and invitation but Swan beat him to speaking. “When he stops being an ass, he can come.” Joseph raised a brow. Yup, Swan was getting weird. “Not until then.”

“Jiang says he’s sorry and can he come to the party?”

All of their heads swiveled to the fool on the floor. Joseph had honestly thought that he’d fallen asleep. Flipping sides so his head was hanging over Prokopenko and he was laying on his stomach, Joseph poked him in the head and said “What now?”

Proko held up his phone which had some text thread on it. A text thread which did in fact include Jiang. Joseph squinted as he read. “Making him apologize is not the same thing as him apologizing.” He realized that technically, Skov had made him apologize a second ago. It wasn’t the same though because Joseph hadn’t been wrong in that situation. “He can come, I don’t give a fuck but I’m not being all friendly.”

Swan leaned over the bed to peer at the messages. It wasn’t until Joseph realized it was very easy to smell his natural…Swan-ness that he noticed one arm was over him, braced on the mattress beside Joseph. It was like he was in a little Swan tunnel. Wiggling out from under and sitting up, Joseph pulled out his phone and notified the ones who’d notify the world that Kavinsky was coming out to play tomorrow, Swan’s oddness moved aside to be dissected another day.

 

 

“Something’s not right,” Atanas murmured as he sat in the grass, resting against a large oak. Joseph didn’t appreciate having him watching him work on such a silly stupid thing- “It really is.”

“Shut up,” he snorted as he worked on his latest forgery. It was actually a giant set of forgeries but once he achieved one, he’d get the rest easy. “As I was thinking before you rudely interrupted, I appreciate having you to keep the place peaceful.”

“You’re welcome but something isn’t right.”

Joseph held up the license and squinted at it as he tilted the card up and down. The Virginia hologram just wasn’t quite right… “No, it isn’t. The hologram is too big.”

“You know what I mean.”

“What do you want me to say,” Joseph snorted as he started over. The things he did for Lynch. Jesus Christ. So far for all his efforts, all he’d gotten was a damn pair of decent glasses. Lynch really needed to up his game. “You’re not the one who’s ears are going to bleed out one of these days from the damn ringing. Someone turned on all that potential you love droning on about and they don’t know how to control it. Fucking idiot.”

He was still more than sure that Lynch had something to do with it.

“It’s like…it’s broken. And stretching thin to cover what it lost.”

Ignoring the musings of an old man-

“You really shouldn’t.”

Rolling his eyes and continuing to ignore as he worked, Joseph held up the license once more, laughing in delight. “Perfecto!”

“What’s the point of those, exactly?”

“I’m still ignoring you,” Joseph called out to the man at the tree. “Still ignoring. But if I wasn’t and even considered answering, I’d say that I’m getting someone’s attention.”

“And this Lynch is worth it?”

“You know he is.”

“Just don’t let him be your downfall.”

Joseph snorted and rolled his eyes. He wasn’t even sure how that was supposed to be possible. “Fuck you and good night.”

Opening his eyes found him where he remembered setting himself which was good because he’d sleepwalked a few times and almost tumbled down the stairs. Luckily this early morning, he found himself still in bed.

With about a hundred licenses strewn in bed with him.

Lifting one up off his sheet, Joseph looked over his work in the light of his bathroom which proved to be a terrible light. With a sigh, he rolled to his feet and went over to turn on his room light, going blind from the sudden brightness for just a moment. “B-e-a-utiful,” Joseph laughed, holding up the license like it was such a sight to see. “Perfection, Joseph Kavinsky. You’ve done it again, my friend.”

The plan he had was a simple one and sort like his one had been with the bracelets. Capture Lynch’s attention. He’d wait until no one was at Lynch’s ugly ass warehouse and then drop them off like a present. Right on the doorstep.

Did their fugly warehouse have a doorstep?

Well, whatever equated to a doorstep, he’d drop them off there. Lynch would end up confused, maybe have a question or two, or even just want to yell at him for being annoying. Whatever the reason may be, Lynch would come sniffing up his way. If he was smart, he’d connect on how the fuck Joseph had managed so many forgeries that were all exactly the same and looked beyond fucking legit. The only thing he’d altered was Lynch’s age because he could.

Rubbing his temples with the onset of a headache, Joseph went downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed a plastic bag that’d fit his cards. The party was tonight and he needed Lynch to show up – wanted – which meant he had to catch his attention _today._

Meaning a stakeout was in order.

But first order of business was getting high. His head was banging from his exertion and he knew the ringing would start soon after using the forest to its limits.

Get high.

Stake out Lynch’s place.

Deliver the goods.

Party.

Sounded like a good plan for the day.


	122. Chapter 121

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the eleventh day of Christmas, your freezing cold writer gave to you...
> 
> A stalking Joseph  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“I can’t decide if I want to punch you or kiss you right now.”_

“Jiang says a game of chicken and you guys are good.”

Joseph snorted a line of coke off his dash before laying back down in his lowered seat. He’d been sitting in his car for the past couple hours and his legs were stiff as hell. Not to mention his banging headache was getting worse no matter how much coke he sniffed up. On the bright side, though, his head had stopped ringing pretty quick.

“Why’s he acting like I wronged him?” Joseph replied to Prokopenko who he was speaking to on the phone which was on speaker, lying on his stomach. “He’s the one who started shit.”

He never knew Jiang to get so damn offended. Joseph had no idea what the problem was. They’d insult, they’d fight, and they’d move on. So what the hell was making this time different? For fuck’s sake, Joseph didn’t even get the chance to pull out the big guns; all he’d gotten to do was throw a couple punches. It was Jiang who’d ripped him open with his verbal onslaught.

“I don’t know, man,” Proko sighed, “but can you please just agree? This is all getting seriously ridiculous. A round of chicken and we move on. Please, K.”

Sighing and shutting his eyes while rubbing his temples in circles that supposedly soothed, Joseph considered the proposition for a moment before finally muttering “Fine. I’ll see you guys tonight.” He didn’t give Proko the chance to say anything else before hanging up. Stretching and sitting up, he peered out his window and down the street.

Today seemed the right day to pick to drop off the licenses because it looked like Lynch and co. were going somewhere. Or at least someone was. There was a truck with a boat attached, ready to go sit on some lake. Joseph tried not to let his jealousy burn at Dick fucking Gansey getting to do such normal things with Lynch when Joseph couldn’t even get one normal ass conversation. There wasn’t time for jealousy right now. Now was the time for paving roads for Lynch to follow.

Another hour of nothing found him snorting up another line or two and bored out of his mind. “Should’ve brought a book or something,” he muttered as he sat up enough to peek out the window for the millionth time. Did they plan on leaving at all? Maybe they were just prepping for tomorrow or something? That’d suck because Joseph couldn’t just reschedule the damn party. “Oh hey, there’s someone.”

Squinting at the little Ford driving into the warehouse’s lot, Joseph watched as a tall woman stepped out from the driver’s seat. She was gorgeous, no doubt, and had to have hella confidence levels because she was literally just standing there in a bikini top and pants. “Are those bellbottoms? Who still wears those?” Maybe it was because she was tall but they sure looked good on her, out of style or not. “Wonder who…fuck, is that…”

Of course it was because who else was a tiny ball of eccentricity besides for Blue?

“Aw, fuck you, bitch,” Joseph couldn’t help but snap at her. Well, in her direction because she didn’t know he was here. There she was, ready to go on a trip with raven boys. Three fucking raven boys, goddamn her. “Bitch.”

Both girls stood and waited for, Joseph guessed, the guys of the warehouse to come out. Blue was pissed at something as she stood leaned against the car, her arms crossed, and distinctly refusing to turn in the tall girl’s direction. A couple feet away from the Ford was a bike. Joseph hadn’t noticed it before but he figured that Parrish had to be here too. He rode a bike all the time. From how long the girls stood and because no one was coming out of the warehouse, Joseph would’ve worried that no one was home and he’d lost his chance because of Blue and whoever being here. But the Camaro was sitting gloriously bright in the sun and the BMW was becoming the shadows as it sat beside it.

It took a few more minutes but eventually, the door to the warehouse opened and out came a bright teal specimen. Gansey. In a fucking polo. Who wore polos for fun? He bounced over to the girls, Blue not really looking pleased with him, with Parrish coming up behind him. Joseph squinted when he thought he saw what he saw. In fact, he was more than sure he saw what he saw. The way they greeted each other…there were no kisses but there were sweet smiles, at least on Adam’s part because Blue’s back was to Joseph…

The bitch was with Parrish? And while Dick had spent a moment to admire the girl in the bikini and had even shared a ‘fuck’ glance with Parrish, he sure did like the look of Blue’s calves.

Hmm.

“Parrish is with Blue but Dick seems to like Blue. Blue is with Parrish but Ronan seems to like Parrish.” It was like a quad of fucking star-crossed lovers, goddamn. “Truly fascinating.”

Joseph’s phone rang showing Swan’s name but he was too busy being a detective right now. Silencing the phone with a click, he watched everyone’s interactions intently while simultaneously wondering where Lynch was. The group said something to each other before Gansey handed the tall girl some keys to which apparently belonged to the truck. “She’s the driver then? And what’s that bag?”

It seemed like they were off for an adventure and Joseph was admittedly jealous as fuck.

Ringing once more, Joseph glanced at Swan’s name and hit ignore. He was still busy. Watching as everyone filed into the truck after the tall girl, Joseph’s attention caught on the door of the warehouse opening wide before slamming shut.

Finally.

Lynch was glorious in his anger. Joseph had no idea what the hell he was angry about or maybe he wasn’t actually angry and it was just the way he was but either way, it was a sight. He watched as Ronan yanked open the door of the BMW, threw himself in, and slammed the door shut. All the movements were done with so much force that the whole car shook before it was brought to life with a low but dangerous growl. Lynch didn’t spare a second as he tore out of the lot, the truck following at a much steadier and slower pace.

Now was the moment.

Perfect.

Waiting just an impatient second in case someone came back, while ignoring Swan calling once more, Joseph turned on his car with a roar. Lowering his music just enough for him to hear but to not give himself away, Joseph pulled into the overgrown lot, excitement buzzing through his veins. He didn’t even bother turning off the Evo, instead settling for putting it in park and throwing on the handbrake before he jumped out. With his bag in hand, Joseph bounced excitedly over to the warehouse, nerves buzzing alive.

Literally bouncing up the stairs to the second floor because that was where everyone seemed to come out of, Joseph peered around to see if he could see anything. What’d the place look like on the inside? It was obviously a warehouse but they had to have made it livable. But the curiosity wasn’t enough to make him break in; he needed Lynch on his side and breaking in was not the way to go. It didn’t matter that he still very much wanted to fuck Lynch over for fucking with the magic and his head, Joseph needed him.

He’d find a good way to fuck him up after.

Pouring out the contents of his bag with a satisfied smirk, Joseph took a second to glance at his perfectly beautiful work before heading back to his car. Throwing himself through the open door, Joseph slammed it shut, tossing the baggie to the side, before screeching out of the lot. He had things to set up so there was no time to waste. He’d love to see Lynch’s reaction to the I.D.’s and to also know what they were up to but there was a party to finish planning.

When Swan called for the tenth time, Joseph knew he had to pick up or else the Georgia boy would find him and beat the shit out of him. “Yello?”

“Yello? That’s what you fucking have to say to me, you piece of shit?”

Jesus, he sounded pissed beyond pissed. Concerned too but Joseph was pretty sure Swan was going to stay pissed now that he’d heard his voice. “Would you have preferred hi?” Joseph asked as he drove home. There was a tub of drugs and cases of alcohol that needed picking up.

Also a couple other interesting things.

“Dammit, Joseph,” Swan snapped and Joseph knew it was bad to have kept on ignoring him. He’d just been Joseph’ed. “I was worried as fuck, you fucking…dammit, man. Don’t do that to me. I was literally on my way to your house. Literally.”

Well since he was already on his way… “Mind helping me with a few things?”

Silence met his words before a heavy sigh came over the line. “Yeah, fine. I’m like five minutes out.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Swan snorted before hanging up. Joseph glanced at his phone in curiosity as if it held the answer for Swan’s annoyance. Was it annoyance? It sure was something, that was for sure.

He found Swan standing beside his Golf in Joseph’s driveway by the time he made it home. “You took out your rows?” Joseph asked as he got out of his car and walked over. Swan glanced up from his phone but didn’t answer as Joseph came to a stop beside him. It was daring but he lightly touched Swan’s pretty much nonexistent hair. It was just a fine layering of little hairs that Joseph knew would grow in a matter of a couple weeks. They always were amazed at how fast Swan’s hair grew. “Moving on already? It didn’t last long.”

Tilting his head, Swan asked “Did you like ‘em?”

“Me? I mean, it’s not my head,” Joseph replied with an easy shrug, stuffing his hand into his pocket and grabbing his keys before gesturing for Swan to follow. “You do what you like.”

“I’m just curious. The guys always give me opinions on my hair but you never have. What do you think?”

There was no way for Joseph to delicately put that he’d loved the cornrows the best out of all of Swan’s hairstyles. Opening the door and letting Swan in to the sound of Walnut’s delighted barking, Joseph said “Doesn’t matter what I think.”

Swan seemed to _really_ disagree if his face was anything to go by. He rubbed his head before Walnut continuously pushing at him was enough to get him to rub hers. Not meeting Joseph’s eyes whether on purpose or it just kind of happened that way, Swan said “Just curious.”

“Uh, okay, I guess,” Joseph said before yawning the greatest yawn of all great yawns. Stakeouts sucked. No wonder cops hated them so much. Going up the stairs with Swan following, Joseph took a moment to think about how to phrase his answer as he walked into his room.

And froze.

“Goodies!” his mother laughed happily, holding up a couple ounces of coke in each hand. It was like she’d hit the jackpot. “Goodies, Joseph, goodies!”

His temper would do no good, his temper would do no good, his temper would do no good. After a deep breath, Joseph held out his hand. “Mayko, give-”

“No!” she shouted angrily, her eyes that used to always sparkle with delight now encased in anger. Her pupils were blown to high heaven and her arms were trembling as she held the bags to her chest. “These are _mine_.”

“No, they’re mine. You took them out of my bin,” he pointed at the bin he’d hidden in his shower until he came back that was now turned on its side with its contents all over the floor, “in my room. Mean-”

“I said no!”

Taking step forward with his hand still out, Joseph said in a steady voice “Mayko-”

“No!”

“Hey, Ms. K,” Swan called happily as if this was even the time- “How are you?”

The anger morphed into joyous excitement. “Oh, it’s boyfriend! I’m good!” His mother held up her goodies again. “Goodies, boyfriend!”

“How ‘bout you just call me Finlay?” Swan said softly as he came to stand beside Joseph, a welcoming smile on his face. “That’s my name.”

“That’s a pretty name,” his mother laughed, tilting her head to the side, making her messy hair tip. “So pretty. You’re sweet on my boy, right?”

Oh for Christ’s sake. She just didn’t give up, did she? “The sweetest,” Swan assured as he looped an unwelcome arm around Joseph’s waist, pulling him closer. His mother’s eyes tracked the movement eagerly. “I take good care of him. Most of the time, at least, when he lets me.”

“He’s stubborn.”

Swan laughed and Joseph made sure not to appreciate the musical sound of it. “Yeah, yeah, he is but I don’t mind. I love taking care of people and making sure they’re okay.”

“You’re laying it on a bit thick, don’t you think?” Joseph murmured just loud enough for only Swan to catch it. He understood what Swan was trying to do but this was getting ridiculous. “Just get the shit from her.”

“You don’t have any diseases, do you?”

“Oh for-”

“No, ma’am” Swan answered, somehow pulling Joseph even closer and now the closeness was a little too much for him to bear. It wasn’t like a hug kind of close, it was like a sex kind of close and he was only in a tank and Swan was the same- “Nice and clean. Don’t worry.”

“Swan, seriously, hurry it up, _please_.”

His fake boyfriend flicked him a glance that quickly became worried on account of Joseph’s now pale face that probably showed more than he’d like to admit to. Turning his focus back on Joseph’s mother, he said quickly “Is it okay if I get those? It’s for me and Joseph. We’re kind of planning epically-”

“Drug filled sex?” she asked like it was the most normal question in the world. She held out the bags, “Here you go.”

It took both of them a moment to wake up from their shock, Swan doing so first, before grabbing the bags. His mother bounced over to them, placing a kiss on each one of their cheeks before skipping away like everything was fine in the world.

“I was gonna say sleepover party,” Swan said, his voice still conveying his surprise, as he stared at the bags in his hands, “but I guess that works too.”

Joseph was just glad he was away from Swan’s hard lean body. Not that he noticed any of that. Taking a seat on his floor and beginning to clean up the mess, Joseph snorted “Whatever.”

He joined him on the floor and helped clean as he said “I’m sorry for pulling you so close without asking. I just needed to get that shit out her hands, you know? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

Pausing his hands and glancing up at Swan who was focused on cleaning, Joseph honestly wasn’t sure what to say. That was really nice of him to point out but shocking as hell. “Um…thanks.”

“I just want you to know that I would and do respect your boundaries. That’s all.”

Deciding that he wasn’t going to think on Swan’s respectfulness, Joseph resumed his cleaning and snorted “We got a party to finish planning. Let’s move faster.”


	123. Chapter 122

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> On the twelfth day of Christmas, your awesometastic writer gave to you...
> 
> One round of chickennnnnn
> 
> Happy holidays y'all and I hope you've enjoyed these 12 days! We resume our regular scheduled programming tomorrow. Updates are Sundays and Thursdays  
> Can you believe that we're almost finished????
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Whoa, whoa. I can’t tell which of us is high.”_

“Kavinsky.”

“Jiang.”

“Prokopenko, nice to meet you all.”

Kavinsky couldn’t help but grin at Proko’s words as he and Jiang stared each other down, the bass of the music being blared out of Kavinsky’s car making the floor alive. “And Prokopenko.” Nodding at Jiang, he asked “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Jiang replied, taking a hit of his blunt, “I’m fucking ready to bash your fucking car in.”

Being that he’d never lost at automotive chicken before, Kavinsky didn’t expect it to happen tonight. _Especially_ not tonight. No, tonight was Kavinsky’s night. He felt it in the air. “And I yours.”

Swan glanced between the pair of them where he stood beside Prokopenko and snorted “Tell me you guys aren’t actually going to use your cars?”

“I’m using my car,” Kavinsky replied with an easy shrug. He wasn’t worried. And even if, _if,_ his car ended up hit, it wasn’t a big deal. He played as God almost every fucking night, so all he had to do was make a new one. And who knew? Maybe he’d make it a thousand times better. “It’s not like I’m gonna lose.”

Jiang laughed in such a confident way that Kavinsky’s own dampened just a bit. Like…less than one percent. “We’ll see, Jersey.”

Wow, he was Jersey now.

“But I’m not gonna fuck up my car. My daddy ain’t a rich mobster to buy me a new one.”

Not the best insult he could’ve managed but props for trying. “Whatever,” Kavinsky shrugged. “Bet Isha’s gonna be missing your dick from how much it just shrunk.”

“Ooohoohooo. Fucking burn, man.”

Dropping his blunt onto the floor and stepping on it, Jiang snapped without even bothering to look at him “Shut the fuck up, Prokopenko, before I beat your face in.” He jabbed Kavinsky in the chest with a harsh finger. “Let’s go instead of you just talking shit.”

“Please,” Kavinsky said, gesturing them off towards the dirt clearing of the fairgrounds sectioned just for chicken, “let’s.”

They each got in their cars – Jiang in some rando ass Volvo – and lined themselves up at opposite corners. Swan stuck his head into Kavinsky’s window. “Don’t die.”

Rolling his eyes and poking Swan in the nose because it was right there, Kavinsky said with a flourishing smile “Just for you, baby, I’ll live.” Something passed in Swan’s expression that he didn’t understand but now wasn’t the time for analyzation. He had an asshole piece of shit boy to put in place. Pushing Swan out the window with that finger still to his nose, Kavinsky added “Have my victory pipe ready for me, yeah?”

Swan didn’t respond, simply walked over to where Prokopenko and Skov stood at the sidelines to initiate the round. Kavinsky rolled up his window and revved his engine, signaling that he was ready. There was a lower muffled sound coming from the other end of that lot which had to be Jiang’s signal. Both Skov and Proko raised their arms setting off a countdown on their fingers. More people were filling up the sidelines, waiting for the excitement.

The minute the guys’ hands flashed down, Kavinsky hit his gas and sped forward, switching gears appropriately. He had no intentions of swerving and losing and, if the Volvo flying straight towards him was any indication, neither did Jiang. In less than a millisecond, he had a choice to make. Swerve or possibly die?

Neither were really what he was going for and in that less than a millisecond, Jiang seemed to agree. They both swerved at the very last minute, a minute too slow, their passenger sides colliding. Kavinsky had never been in a car crash in his life and having the thing you’re in get slammed at ninety miles per hour…was an experience.

The sound was all encompassing, literally wanting to make his ears bleed, as they smashed into one another. His passenger door caved in, cutting off half the passenger seat, his gorgeous Evo becoming nothing more than a one and a half seater car. That was all nothing compared to each of them spinning off in opposite directions.

Spinning.

It occurred to him as he spun so fast that he just might throw up that maybe this had been a bad idea.

When his Evo finally came to a sputtering and abrupt halt, Kavinsky had to admit one thing.

He’d almost pissed in his pants.

With his heart beating faster than it ever had before and feeling like his body and head and ears and _everything_ were on fire, Kavinsky rested his head back and shut his eyes, breathing heavily as he did. “Oh…my…God…”

“Shit, shit, shit!” The door wrenched open and Swan was suddenly there, his voice desperate as he hurriedly unbuckled Kavinsky. He probably thought him unconscious and the nice thing to do was say something or open his eyes but Kavinsky was just a little out of breath on account of the crash he’d just been in. “Joseph? Shit, shit, shit, Joseph!”

Hands softly grasped his shoulders and Kavinsky blinked his eyes open to find Swan right up in his face, panic written on him like he’d never seen before. “You know those carnival rides that spin and spin and spin?” Swan gave him a look that said ‘this fuck’s not in his head.’ “This was like…five thousand times faster than that.”

“I’m so ridiculously conflicted right now,” Swan said, his voice bordering on just not knowing what in the fuck to do. “I can’t decide if I want to punch you or kiss you right now.” Both of them paused and thought on the words before Swan clarified “Figure of speech, y’know?”

“Uh…right,” Kavinsky replied, not really up to contemplating much else. He turned his head to the side and took in his very fucked car. “Fuck.”

“Double fucking fucks, man. Why the hell didn’t you swerve?” Squinting out his shattered window across the lot, Kavinsky watched Prokopenko and Skov help Jiang out of his car. They’d obviously picked the side they wanted. “K, man-”

“I don’t like losing,” he murmured, still watching them checking the other boy over. Why was he more important that Kavinsky? “No reason to swerve.”

“You promised me you wouldn’t try and die.”

Huffing and turning back to Swan, he pushed Swan’s arms off and shoved his way unsteadily out of his ruined car. “Why do you fucking care?” Kavinsky teetered to the side, barely catching himself on the car. Taking a moment to catch his breath and balance, Kavinsky added “Why don’t you go check on Jiang?”

“Why? I came for you, not him.” Kavinsky picked his hanging head up and stared at Swan in confusion. His fellow raven boy looked particularly pissed as though he didn’t understand why Kavinsky would say that. “Joseph, I came to check on you.”

Refusing to meet those concerned eyes, he got back into his car to see if he could get it back on to at least drive it over to the dirt up front. “You shouldn’t have,” he snorted, twisting the key in the ignition and only receiving sad little cries in reply. “Go check on him.”

A hand splayed onto his bare shoulder, soft and soothing and yet controlling at the same time. Kavinsky ignored the hand and kept fucking with the ignition in prayers that it’d catch. “In case it needs to be said,” Swan murmured softly, “I’d pick you over him.”

Hand faltering in the midst of twisting the key, Kavinsky shut his eyes and whispered “That’s a bad idea. Really really bad.”

“You let me worry about that.”

“You should be smart like those assholes over there,” Kavinsky said in a stronger voice, twisting his key once more and cheering when the engine caught. Flicking at Swan’s hand until he removed it, he let his gaze roam over the seriousness he found on Swan’s face. Why would he pick Kavinsky over Jiang? No offense to himself and all, but Kavinsky knew that he was utter bullshit. “I’m not worth it, Swan.”

Shaking his head as he laughed for whatever reason, Swan shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. It was the ugliest pair of orange sweats Kavinsky had ever seen and yet he couldn’t imagine them working on anyone else but the asshole in front of him. “Again, you let me worry about that. Those idiots wanna pick Jiang first? Fine, their loss. I’ll always pick you.”

This was all getting far too heartfelt for him right now. Throwing a thumb over his shoulder, he said “I want to be nice and say get in so you don’t have to walk but honestly, I don’t think my fucked seat is going to fit your black ass.”

With a laugh, Swan snorted “Nah, too muscled for a half a seat. It’d only fit one of my fine ass cheeks.” Kavinsky couldn’t help but laugh. “But I will, however, jump into the back.”

Driving them back was a little funny because the car was really just that fucked and they spent most of that one second drive laughing about it. Pulling up onto the dirt on the far end, Kavinsky cranked up his stereo before grabbing his coke bag and setting up a line. Once he was done, he asked Swan who was now standing outside beside the driver’s door “Where’s my victory pipe?”

“Technically, you didn’t win.”

“True,” Kavinsky acknowledged as he got out of the car. Jesus fuck it was hot. He hated Henrietta’s sticky nights more than its sticky days. Stripping off his tank top and using it to mop up the sweat all over him, he added “but I also didn’t die. That deserves to be celebrated.”

“Wasn’t sure if you were in one piece.”

Kavinsky tossed his tank into his shat on car and spun around to face Jiang and his swagger. “I’m a lot harder to get rid of than you think.”

Jiang smirked as he crossed his arms. He was looking superior though Kavinsky had no idea why. It wasn’t like he’d won. “I know, you’re like a fucking roach.” His eyes trailed over Kavinsky’s torso, examining every inch of ink Kavinsky had ever subjected himself too. He nodded to the quote on his side. “That actually mean something or is it like when white boys write my good Asian heritage on their bodies because they think they’re cool?”

“This here is my good Bulgarian heritage. I actually understand what’s written unlike other white boys putting a language they don’t know.” Deciding that they weren’t going to dance around the important subject here, Kavinsky asked “Pipe?”

A smile grew on Jiang’s face, bumping a fist at Kavinsky’s shoulder. “Let’s pipe.”

 

 

Doing line number whatever off his dash, Kavinsky rested his head back in his seat and shut his eyes. He was higher than he’d been in a while and it was all Lynch’s fault. One, the bastard made him dream for him all night. Two, the stakeout, and three, waiting for him to show up at a damn substance party filled with, duh, substances.

“You wanna fuck?”

Kavinsky’s head lolled to the side as he blinked through his drug fueled haze at some bitch in his passenger seat. He was pretty sure they’d started with basic introductions, and he was pretty sure he’d said she could sit if she could fit, but other than that…he wasn’t sure of much else. What he was sure of was the pulsing in his head and veins and that he wanted some weed. He also wanted to blow things up with the shit he and Swan had brought for fun but that was supposed to start once Lynch got here.

Fucking Lynch.

Tossing a blunt at the girl before getting out of the car, he snorted “Get stoned, baby. Ain’t no fucking happening tonight.”

She didn’t see at all disappointed as she lit up the blunt eagerly.

He tried not to be offended.

There was the smell of something burning and glancing around found him the answer in the form of the Volvo’s insides lit up. It was almost…beautifully poetic, the way the car burned from inside before it’d ever eat itself on the outside.

Kind of sounded like Kavinsky really.

“Drink?” came a voice beside him, Kavinsky finding a bottle of beer attached to Swan’s hand. “Yes or no?”

Accepting the bottle without a word and popping it open, Kavinsky took a gulp, feeling it go right to his empty gut. He was running on coke, weed, pills, and alcohol and he was pretty sure that it was all starting to catch up with him. “Fuck my life.”

“Everyone’s life sucks.”

“True but fuck mine. I don’t care about everyone else’s.”

“Right,” Swan sighed with a shake of his head.

“What?”

Swan just shook his head again and took a sip of his beer. He gazed out at the mess of people, much like Kavinsky had, before turning his eyes back to him. His focus remained on Kavinsky as he scanned his torso though Kavinsky could’ve sworn his eyes rested on his hips a bit longer than was normal. Looking away, Swan asked “Don’t you own any belts?”

Resisting the urge to look down at his low slung pants that wanted to slip off like a wiggly fish, he snorted “They don’t fit. I made extra holes so they can close smaller but I was too lazy to pull it out from my other pants.”

“Jesus fucking Christ. Gain some goddamn weight before you die.”

Kavinsky just shrugged as he nursed his beer, his eyes flicking through the sickening glare of the flood lights. A car was coming up the dirt drive, it’s headlights drowning out the sickly fluorescents. “Aw shit,” Kavinsky laughed when he realized who that car belonged to. There was someone in the passenger seat but Kavinsky couldn’t make out the face until Lynch brought his car nose to nose with his Evo.

Dick fucking Gansey. Who would’ve thought?

Well, he should give him a proper welcome, shouldn’t he?

Flinging his bottle at the hood of the BMW despite how much it was against his code to abuse cars, Kavinsky cackled in excitement. Not only had Lynch come but _Gansey_ too.

Now this was a _night_.


	124. Chapter 123

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy ^.^
> 
> _“That bitch did in fact melt yesterday. This is my new bitch.”_

Ronan threw himself out of his car, Gansey following suit after a few shared words that were lost to Kavinsky in the bass of his music. Lynch may have gotten out in his pure form of ‘I’m going to fuck you up’ but it was a remarkable thing when Gansey did the same. It was much more controlled but no less alive.

It was truly going to be a night.

Lynch was coming straight at him, looking like he had quite the purpose. He grabbed all of Kavinsky’s attention, the party and Swan completely fizzling down to the boy coming at him. “Hey, lady,” Kavinsky snorted, making sure his excitement was hidden behind bored words as he spread a hand over his chest. “This is a substance party. Nobody’s in unless you brought a substance.”

He had to admit, he was so not expecting Lynch’s response.

Like at all.

In fact, Kavinsky didn’t even know Lynch had it in him to literally toss him over the hood of the Evo, sending him tumbling into the hard floor. Before he even had the chance to curse the bitch out, Ronan met him on the other side and slammed his fist into his nose, igniting Kavinsky’s entire face on fire.

As he dragged himself up onto his feet, Lynch flashed him his now bloody knuckles. “Here’s your substance.”

Goddamn, bitch, chill the fuck out. Wiping his aching bleeding nose on his arm and leaving behind a red streak that Skov would say now housed billions of possible diseases, Kavinsky all but snapped “Hey, man, you don’t have to be so fucking antisocial.”

With the sudden arrival that came with posh people, Gansey held up his hand as if he had command of the field as he stood at Ronan’s elbow. Kavinsky had to admit, he did look particularly… _glorious_ tonight. He didn’t seem so much as Richard Gansey the Third as he did just _Gansey_. “I don’t want to keep you from your revels,” he began, sounding like he was just holding back furious and seething words, “so I’m just going to say this: Stay out of my place.”

His place? What the hell was he talking about? Kavinsky definitely had not broken in despite how much he had wanted to. Hell, he’d pointedly made sure that he didn’t allow that impulse to take over. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” With his fingers itching for something to hold, he said to the stoned bitch still in his car “Babe, get me a smoke.”

Stoned girl didn’t look like she was even in this world right now, let alone able to give him what he wanted. Kavinsky returned his attention to his guests as Ronan flicked out a very familiar piece of plastic. He couldn’t help the grin that grew on his face. To Gansey, he said “You mad because I didn’t leave you a mint, too?”

Yeah, he’d noticed Gansey’s habits as much as he’d noticed Ronan’s. It came with studying a person who hung out so much with another.

Gansey didn’t look at all amused. “No, I’m angry because you trashed my apartment. You should be glad I’m here and not at the police station.”

Hold the fucking door, lady. Kavinsky sure as hell had done no such thing, thank you. No wonder Dick was looking so pissed. So _normal_. “Whoa, man,” he started, holding up his hands in defense because what the fuck was this accusation. “Whoa, whoa. I can’t tell which of us is high.” Obviously, it was him but from the insanity of Gansey’s words, the statement was warranted. “Whoa. I didn’t trash your place.”

Definitely hadn’t trashed his place.

“Please don’t insult my intelligence,” Gansey replied, a hint of a contempt-filled laugh coming through. It was a beautiful sound coming from such a boy as Dick Gansey. But before he could say more, their conversation was interrupted by someone losing at chicken, the grind of cars slicing through their words. Both Gansey and Ronan glanced in the direction of the crash but it was Ronan who flashed with excitement.

“Ah,” Kavinsky said, a grin on his face at having their full rapture. “You want in on this, don’t you?”

Lynch didn’t reply but Gansey asked “Where are these guys from? Is that Morris? I thought he was in New Haven.”

Kavinsky just settled for a shrug, the grin sliding off in his now growing boredom. He had no idea who the fuck Morris was or maybe he just didn’t remember. “It’s a substance party.”

Ronan didn’t seem to like the answer. “They don’t have substances in New Haven?”

“Not like these!” Kavinsky answered, his interest blooming back to life. Of course not like these! Lynch needed to catch the fuck on already. “It’s Wonderland! Some make you big, some make you small…” He was pretty sure he’d used the wrong words but close enough. It was shocking he even remembered that much in his state right now.

“Depends on which side of the mushroom you use.”

Huh, well, well. Lynch was a literary boy? Good for him. “True that,” he agreed. Turning their focus where it needed to go, Kavinsky asked “So, what are you going to do about your rat problem?” It was Henrietta; people did not just go randomly trashing places.

Meaning it sure as fuck wasn’t random.

The reply he received was a simple blink from Gansey. “Beg pardon?”

Kavinsky laughed, bellowed really, because this guy was an idiot. Wasn’t Kavinsky supposed to be the shit-faced one right now? “If I didn’t trash your place, something else is infesting it.”

The fools shared a glance, almost silently asking each other if that’d be possible. Of course, it’d be possible. Kavinsky wasn’t the one fucking their place up so someone had. It was a curious thing, this trashing of their place. Who and why? Did it have anything to do with Lynch in particular or did they just piss off the wrong people?

“Lynch!” They turned and watched Proko wobble his way over. If Kavinsky was what they called trashed, then Prokopenko was like…triple trashed. If he’d been real Prokopenko then Kavinsky would actually be concerned but being that he was very much dead already, who gave a fuck how much shit he put in his system? “And Gansey?”

Yup, shocking, he knew. “Yeah,” Kavinsky assured, hooking his thumbs in his back pockets. Swan just might be right; he needed to gain some damn weight. Where the hell was his ass because it sure didn’t feel like it was anywhere around. “Mommy _and_ Daddy came. Hey, Gansey, you get a babysitter for Parrish?” Changing his mind and deciding not to aggravate the situation, he snorted “You know what, man, don’t answer that; let’s smoke a peace pipe.”

“I’m not interested in your pills,” Gansey said, barely even letting Kavinsky finish the word ‘pipe’ before he spoke in his utter disdainful tone.

Pills. This bitch. “Oh, Mr. Gansey,” Kavinsky sneered. “Pills! First rule of substance party is, you don’t talk about substance party. Second rule is, you bring a substance if you want another one.” As if he’d give him something for nothing. Prokopenko seemed to find this amusing and laughed although it was more of a puke alert than anything else.

It sounded particularly disgusting, to be honest.

Lynch was just standing there, letting Dick do all the chit chat which was not the way this was supposed to go. Fucking asshole who broke into their place really mixed up the plans. He needed to get them on track. Imitating Gansey’s accent as best as he could so he sounded oh so posh, Kavinsky said “Lucky for you, Mr. Gansey, I know what your dog wants.”

Proko made his nasty ass noise again and even Gansey seemed to know what it meant as he took a step back. Truly, it was interesting how Gansey was even still here. He’d gotten the information he’d wanted, made his little baby threats and that should have been that.

And yet he was still here.

This Gansey was far more interesting than posh bitch. He stood there, a condescending smirk on his face as he asked “And what is it my dog needs?” Ronan’s lips curled into a sharp smile. It was like he’d waited so long for those words or just a moment like this.

Kelly Clarkson belted out in his brain.

Turning her off his mind and focusing, Kavinsky grinned. A curling dangerously large grin that Swan called his Cheshire cat smile. “Pyrotechnics. Boom!” Deciding that he may as well find an easy way to rid himself of his fucked car, he pounded the roof of it with a fist.

Fuck, the girl was still there.

Well, not his problem if she wanted to die, was it? “Get out, bitch. Unless you want to die. It’s all the same to me.”

The girl rolled herself out as Ronan said “That dent will come out.” He seemed both excited by the prospect of blowing the Mitsu and horrified. Which was good. It meant he wanted to play with fire and the car meant something.

Meaning Kavinsky meant something.

“I’ll always know it was there,” he replied carelessly. He’d just dream himself a new car, no biggie. “Cherry, popped,” Kavinsky added, popping the ‘p.’ Kavinsky nodded at Prokopenko. “Prokopenko, make me a cocktail, man.”

The dream boy seemed more than happy to follow orders as he disappeared and came back so fast, Molotov ready in hand. Kavinsky accepted the beautiful homemade explosive that was going to end his car’s life and lit the shirt stuffed in. He was going to take a chance here, but he had a feeling it was the right choice. “Take the edge off,” he said, handing the bottle to Gansey. To both his shock and delight, Gansey did in fact accept it. He thought about it for a second, only a second, before he launched it.

It was a beautiful throw, Kavinsky could admit it because there was nothing more amazing than a truly beautiful throw, but it was in the entirely wrong fucking direction. Some fuckass shouted encouragement to Gansey as they all watched the bottle’s descent before it slammed into the ground beside the rear tire of the Volvo, unleashing the flames.

Nice, nice. Not bad at all. But he still wanted the Mitsu melted to nothing and not to mention that Ronan looked like he was itching in his skin, waiting for his turn that he knew was coming. “Good throw but wrong car. Proko!” Prokopenko handed him another, ready to be thrown. Kavinsky leaned in close to Ronan, pressing the cocktail into his hand. It was closer than they’d ever been and it felt like _perfection_. “It’s a bomb. Just like you.”

Something flickered in Ronan, something thrillingly alive and eager.

Pointing at the Evo, Kavinsky advised “Aim high. And do it fast, man, or you’ll blow your arm off.” The shirt was burning fast, ready to blow. “No one wants half a tattoo.”

Lynch threw the Molotov at the correct car, managing it straight through the driver’s window. In seconds, flames engulfed what used to be his love and, for a panicked moment, Kavinsky hoped he had nothing important in there. He didn’t think he did but…he wasn’t sure.

Oh fucking well, right? Goodbye, Mr. Past.

People cheered and rushed over, wanting to see the spectacle as close as possible. Kavinsky laughed in such a mix of emotions that he wasn’t even sure what was one from the other except maybe the brief joy, making him sound utterly insane as he did. He grabbed another cocktail from Proko and flung it himself, adding to the fire with Prokopenko doing the same. Soon, it became a collective effort, people throwing whatever they could to get the flames to grow larger and larger.

He only considered the job done once the music mangled and died, melting into nothing with the stereo. It’d been a beautiful car. “Skov!” he shouted, knowing the little blonde was definitely lingering close by. “Music!” Seconds later, music boomed to life, taking off where Kavinsky’s had fallen.

Oh, he was feeling _good._ This had gone better than he could’ve ever imagined. He’d given Ronan a clue and had even gotten to give him a taste of fun. With a sly grin, he asked the Irish boy “You coming to Fourth of July this year?” As far he knew, Lynch had never come though he hadn’t exactly known him before so who knew?

Ronan looked over at Dick like he wanted his opinion or he just didn’t want him to hear his answer. But Gansey was lost in his head as he gazed out at the numerous people. “Maybe,” Lynch finally replied, turning back to Kavinsky.

“It’s a lot like a substance party,” he explained, praying that Lynch would just catch the fuck on. Kavinsky wasn’t sure how much more hints he could possibly give without having to spell the whole thing out. “You want to see something that explodes, bring something that explodes.”

All he could do was place the dare and hope and pray that Ronan would finally get it.

“Maybe,” Ronan repeated, though he was looking a bit more interested now. Maybe Kavinsky had managed to flip the right switch? They watched Gansey start towards the BMW, Ronan seemingly not moving. It’d be an even more perfect night if Lynch decided to stay without Gansey. “I’ll light a candle for your car.”

Kavinsky would too if he wouldn’t be busy designing a new one in his sleep tonight. “You’re not leaving? Harsh.”

But of course Ronan Lynch was leaving because he stuck to Gansey’s ass like glue. He flicked out another one of the licenses and tossed it against Kavinsky’s bare chest. “Stay out of our place.”

This sweet sweet foolish bitch. With a crooked smile, Kavinsky replied “I only come where they invite me, man.”

“Lynch,” Gansey called as Swan came up to Kavinsky’s shoulder. “We’re gone.”

“That’s right, call your dog!” Neither of them seemed even remotely bothered by the comment or its insinuations. They just got into the sharklike car, Lynch driving of course. Pulling out his phone, Kavinsky typed a message to his fellow dreamer.

_see you on the streets_

He watched as Lynch did in fact read the message before dropping the phone back wherever it came from and revving the engine. It was a beautiful sound, a dangerously low snarl as Lynch made show of backing out with a fancy spin in the dirt.

And then he was gone.

Tonight had been a _night._


	125. Chapter 124

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I was supposed to finish writing the story this week but then a million things happened...like literally, I only need a few more chpts and the epilogue
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"What did your mom do when your goldfish died?”_

“Oh, you are a _beauty_ ,” Joseph said in awe as he stood by his newly created car. Freshly dreamed car, he should say. Running his hand along the roof of his brand new Evo as he walked from back to front, he came to a halt at the hood. “I think we’re going to blow some fucking minds today, my dear.”

This wasn’t just any Evo or any dreamed up Evo, for that matter. It was _special_. A little something extra under the hood that made it a beautiful gloriously overpowered monster.

Lynch didn’t stand a chance.

With a grin as he pulled out his phone, he opened his thread with Ronan and shot him a message that’d make his night. If he played his cards right, things would fall into place perfectly.

_my new wheels will blow you away. see you tonite @ 11_

Knocking on the hood, Joseph walked to the driver’s side and got in, turning on his monster with a twist of the key and an excited smile. When it boomed to life, Joseph was sure he’d never heard anything so beautiful. Except maybe the growling roar of one of his father’s exotics. Maybe. Pulling out of his little secluded dirt lot that was filled with dreams, he drove home, utterly amazed by how even the slightest pressure on the gas shot him forward. “Oh, Lynch, you are sooo fucked!”

Home was a welcome sight. His head was pounding because he’d pulled out one hell of a bitch and his coke stash in the car was now nonexistent. There was always the option of dreaming some but why when he needed it to stop the pain? It seemed counterproductive. “Why. Just why,” Joseph groaned as he pulled into his driveway, parking behind Jiang’s sleek Supra. The boy himself got out of the car and stared at the Evo in surprise.

“How…what the fuck?” Jiang asked once Joseph was out of his car and walking over. “I saw this bitch melt yesterday.”

Joseph slid his hand over the heated hood, coming to a stop in front of Jiang who was…looking a little worse for wear, really. “That bitch did in fact melt yesterday. This is my new bitch.”

Shaking his head in disbelief as he walked along the car while taking in every little detail, Jiang came to a halt once he was in front of Joseph once more. “How in the hell…” He ran a hand through his hair, his head shaking again like he just couldn’t grasp the possibility of this. “This is impossible.”

Kind of, yeah, it was. Typically, it’d take at least a couple weeks to get his hand on the same exact car with the same exact vinyl detailing. It definitely didn’t happen overnight.

Unless the person was a dreamer, of course.

“And it sounded…” Jiang seriously seemed like he wasn’t sure if he was awake or not. The enormity of the situation was fucking him up apparently. “It sounded like you shoved a damn V12 in there which is impossible. I know you can build shit – the Miata is gorgeous – but you sure as fuck…”

The Miata was in fact gorgeous. So gorgeously gorgeous. It was sitting in the garage with a car cover over it to keep it pristine. Joseph took it out every few days to keep the battery awake and working but he refused to abuse it the way the Evo was. He’d built that damn thing with his _hands_ not his fucked up head. Because of that, it was priceless. Joseph had half a mind to gift it to someone but he was stuck between two names. He knew he shouldn’t for either of them for different reasons but…he was still thinking on it.

“I sure as fuck what?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask with a giant grin. If this was Jiang’s reaction, he couldn’t wait to see everyone else’s. “You don’t like my new wheels?” Rubbing his temples as he shut his eyes, Jiang just sighed. “Why’s your ugly face at my house anyways?”

Eyes flicking open, Jiang crossed his arms – a defensive gesture, not an aggressive one – and took a deep breath. “This is me coming to properly apologize.” Joseph looked at Jiang in surprise, his eyes going wide. “I ain’t gonna lie, Isha was the one who got me here. He was pissed about us playing chicken and neither of us swerving. He’s…kinda not talking to me right now.”

“Shit, sorry,” Joseph replied, genuinely sorry because having your significant other not speaking to you sucked bad. He’d been there with Emilio a couple times and, Lord, did it drive him insane. “Really makes you feel like a piece of shit, huh?”

“Oh yeah,” Jiang laughed, stuffing his hands in his pockets, a small smile on his face. “Seriously though, I’m glad we didn’t kill each other yesterday.”

“Surprisingly, me too.”

“And…” Jiang trailed, looking away, “I’m really sorry about dragging you. I could’ve mocked you for anything and I picked things that were out of your hands.” Hanging his head with a heavy sigh, he added softly “This…might sound stupid as fuck but…I’d fuck up your dad for you if I could.”

It was a sweet gesture but Joseph had already fucked up his father. “I appreciate it. I really do.” Jiang didn’t pick his head up so Joseph lightly punched him in the shoulder to get his attention. “We done being sappy?”

With a snorting laugh, Jiang nodded and stuck his fist out. “Put it there.”

“God fuck, no, that’s so cheesy,” Joseph laughed, knocking fist regardless of his disdainful words. “Hey so, I got a big race tonight. I need backup; you free?”

Jiang didn’t seem happy with these words. His mouth twisted to the side as he crossed his arms again. “Don’t tell me Lynch.”

“Lynch. Why?” He hadn’t realized Jiang had a problem with him too. “It’s just a race, Jiang.”

“It’s not and you know it.”

Christ, he was as bad as Swan apparently. “What’s your problem?”

“He’s no good for you, I told you that.”

Oh for… “Jiang-”

“Don’t ‘Jiang’ me,” he snapped, shoving a finger into Joseph’s chest. “You think it has nothing to do with nothing but it does. You’ve been obsessed with him since he tried to kill himself. We’ve all noticed it.”

Well, that was because Lynch _hadn’t_ been trying to kill himself. His dream was trying to kill him. His guys would never understand what any of that meant though. “I’m not obsessed.”

“You are,” Jiang replied, jabbing the finger again. “You are and he’s not what you need. If you are finally going to be okay with being gay, Lynch is the last person you should place your hopes on.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Joseph cut in before Jiang could go any farther. Pushing off the finger and crossing his own arms, he asked “Who said anything about being gay? Or relationships? The asshole is…intriguing.”

“See? That’s how it starts. Then it becomes obsessive affection. I mean, look at Swan, for fuck’s sake. He went from-” Jiang’s face paled, “shit.”

“Swan?” He hadn’t realized Swan was into someone and he was pretty good at noticing these things. They all knew Skov was reading that stupid vampire series for some girl he was into. And Proko had been about to ask out Eva’s sister before he…died. Apparently, Joseph hadn’t put in that aspect of Prokopenko and now the dude could pretty much care less about girls. Or anyone, really, beyond the memory of his grandmother and his best friend. “Who’s Swan into?”

It kind of looked like Jiang was relieved which made no sense. “No one. He was just a bad example. The point is-”

“No, no, I want to know.”

Rubbing his face, Jiang muttered from behind his hands “You’re so blind.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing. I’ll play back up and I’ll tell the guys. What time?”

Joseph really didn’t want to let this go because he was dying to know what kind of person got Swan obsessively affectionate but he needed them tonight more than his curiosity needed to be satisfied. “Eleven. I want you guys to just case around the area, just in case.”

“Thought the sheriff was bought off?”

“Oh, he was,” Joseph affirmed, pulling himself up to sit on the hood. “But I’d like to have all my angles covered. Especially because I plan on pushing more than eighty in a thirty-five.” He tapped the car under him, “My baby is going to blow all of yous the fuck away.”

 

 

When eleven came around, Joseph found himself in a little predicament.

Be late for Lynch and his boys or leave without making sure his mother was asleep.

It was a dangerous thing to leave at night when she wasn’t sleeping. He liked leaving knowing that she was safe and sound and wouldn’t be getting into any sort of trouble. Or leaving without her trailing him and asking a million questions or not letting him leave.

Patting his mother’s large bed, Joseph snapped his fingers at Walnut to grab her attention. The hound didn’t seem excited at having to sleep now but she was a good girl and got up. “Okay, one down. Mayko? Ready?”

His mother came bouncing out her bathroom, not looking happy at all. “I don’t want to sleep.”

Joseph took a steadying breath before replying “It’s bedtime which mean-”

“No.”

He’d hate himself tomorrow for this and he’d have an added layer of hate for Lynch too because this was his fault. “What if,” he said, carefully walking closer and pulling her into a side hug, “I gave you a treat for going to sleep now?”

She looked up at him suspiciously, her eyes narrowed dangerously. “What kind of treat?”

“A little pill that gives you magic dreams.” This seemed like such a huge leap over drugging her drinks because he was literally drugging her by giving her the actual pill. But it was the only thing he could think of at the moment. “What do you say?”

Biting her lip as she thought, his mother finally nodded slowly. “That sounds like a nice treat.”

“It does, doesn’t it? You get in bed and I’ll be right back, okay?” She blinked at him for a few long seconds before nodding. Helping her into bed and tucking her in, he said as he walked out “Be right back.”

Going to his room and grabbing one of his green pills, he glanced at his phone as it lit up with a message. Joseph opened it as he went quickly to the kitchen to get her water before running back up.

_where the fuck r u_

“I really don’t have time for you, Finlay,” Joseph muttered, not so nicely, as he walked into his mother’s room. He handed her the pill and the water and waited until she drank it down. Taking the cup, he kissed her forehead as she laid down and whispered “Sleep well, okay?”

It kind of freaked him out when she suddenly grabbed his face, holding him in place. “You should always make time for your love, sweetheart.”

There was no point in pointing out that Swan wasn’t his love. She wanted to believe the fantasy so bad that Joseph didn’t have the heart to break her out of it. Kissing her again, he murmured “I’ll do that. I’m going out. Sleep until I come back, okay?”

She was already out, her hands slipping from his face.

“Okay,” he said softly as he walked out her room and practically dashed to his room, grabbing his shit. In less than a second, he was down the stairs and out the door, his car tearing down the street.

His clock read eleven seventeen as he pulled up to the intersection where they were to meet. Gansey’s Camaro was sitting there idly but once Joseph stopped beside him, it was only Lynch in the car.

Interesting.

Rolling down his window and glancing over to Lynch whose undivided attention he now had, Joseph greeted “Lynch, you bastard.” Ronan gave him the finger in reply. Cute, real cute. And immature. Appraising the Camaro with a careful eye, he added “I’m impressed.”

And he was. He’d never seen anyone but Dick drive that beauty and for Lynch to get his hands on it for a race? Obviously, someone touched something without permission. Without permission and all for a race with Joseph.

Wasn’t he just a special something?

Ronan seemed pleased for a moment before his face turned to indifference as he jerked his chin at the Evo. “That makes one of us.”

He could act all cocky now if he liked, but he’d be changing tunes fast once it came down to racing. “Oh, this one’s got a bit more going on. You don’t like it?”

Saying nothing, Lynch gave a quick gaze into his mirrors, catching sight of the lights reflections. Joseph had made sure to bring the whole crew. God and his crew of angels. Or better yet, the devil and his demons. Whatever connection was made, Joseph made sure that he wasn’t alone. He was damn sick of being alone. “Brought the whole family,” Lynch noted.

“You know me,” Joseph said because everyone who knew anything about Kavinsky knew that he was never alone. “I just hate to be alone. So, are you gonna fuck that old lady you’re in, or are you just gonna hold her hand?”

Lynch raised a brow. Almost as a challenge. “You gonna race with those shades on, you Bulgarian mobster Jersey trash piece of shit?”

Scratching his wrist that sat atop the steering wheel, Joseph nodded slowly. It was a fair point. Fair point. He couldn’t really see shit with them on because of the dark. Joseph couldn’t help but note that he was Bulgarian and not Russian today. Lynch may not realize it, but he’d just given Joseph an ounce of respect.

In his fucking face.

From the side of his eye, he watched the light turn yellow. Timing was everything. With a bored tiredness to his voice, he said “What I can never figure out,” the light flicked to a bright red, “is if you or Gansey is on top.”

The words struck a chord, Lynch looking like he was ready to murder. His voice was a dangerous blade as he hissed “What’s going to happen is I’m going to beat that car and then I’m going to get out of _this_ car and then I’m going to beat the shit out of you.”

Possible except for the winning part. Joseph was going to be the winner tonight. He’d made sure of it. “Three hundred twenty horses say you’re wrong, man.” He rubbed at his neck, his fingers grazing the chain of his mother’s necklace. “But keep dreaming.”

If he dropped anymore hints, Joseph was sure he’d die from the effort.

Sliding up his window, he kept his focus on the lights as he tossed his sunglasses onto the passenger seat. Not because Lynch said anything, but because he’d planned on taking them off anyways. That was to be noted. He flexed his fingers on the steering wheel, counting down the seconds for the light to change. Switching from clutch to gas, he waited for the right moment. As magnificent as his fully loaded Evo was, the Camaro managed to drown out the snarl of his engine.

He’d love the chance to drive that beauty.

The opposite light flicked yellow. “One second,” he whispered to himself, foot and hand at the ready.

Red

Green

Shooting off from the line, both cars roared and growled as they raced forward. He could feel the Evo’s powerfully dreamed engine humming throughout the car, thrusting him farther as he shifted. A laugh erupted from his chest and he wasn’t sure what it was that brought him this sudden onslaught of glee.

The car? The night? The race maybe or just the fact that he knew he was going to win? Or maybe it was the fact that he even had this moment? Him, Lynch, Lynch’s _attention._

Whatever it was, at this very moment, Joseph remembered what it felt like to be happy.

Shift

The Camaro pulled forward in the next moment but Joseph wasn’t even close to worried. The shift from third to fourth was where he was going to grasp his win. The dreamed engine would kick in its powerful magic and Joseph would be victorious.

Like right this second.

He shifted to the next gear, a giddy smile on his face. This was the moment. Gliding himself up beside the Camaro, he rolled down his window and in joyous exclamation, spat out “Fuck you!”

Ronan’s confused furrow was something he’d remember forever as he slammed the gas and shifted to his last gear, the Evo snarling with all its might past the Camaro. In seconds, he was more than a car length ahead and he waved goodbye to Lynch with his middle finger.

“Fucking looooser!” he shouted, pumping a fist to the roof of his car in full Jersey fashion. “I kicked fucking ass, thank you!”

Victory was his.


	126. Chapter 125

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Writing depressing parts makes me depressed. Swear to God
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I’m trying to be civil here. Make a fucking effort, yeah?"_

Descending into a fit of triumphant laughter as he drove on to where he was supposed to meet the guys, Joseph slowed his car and came to a stop. His troops were already parked and waiting for him. There was no way he could tamper the huge smile on his face as he parked and got out, walking over to the guys. “Hola!”

For some reason, Swan smiled as if Joseph had just made his night. Ignoring that smile, he said to all of them “I thank all you ugly bastards for your kindly service.” He gave them a salute, “Have a lovely rest of your night, dears.”

“Wait,” Jiang said, calling Joseph’s retreating form back. “How in the fuck did what I just saw happen?”

As if he was just going to stand here and explain. Not allowing Jiang’s mood to mess with Joseph’s own elated one, he snorted “Who cares. I won. I’m happy. Leave me happy, ass.”

“Leave him happy,” Swan repeated, giving Jiang a look which Jiang returned a thousand times sharper. Joseph was missing something but he wasn’t going to figure it out tonight so he didn’t care to dig right now. “Nicely done, K.”

“Thank you.”

Skov walked over to Joseph’s car, staring at it close. “How’d you find someone to hook you up so fast?”

“I got connections,” Joseph shrugged. Instead of celebrating like he should, he was stuck answering stupid ass questions. Bullshit. “Now all of you do whatever it is you do when I don’t own your life. Fuck off.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Proko snorted, getting into his Golf without a care in the world. Not that he had much of any anymore. “Night, bitches.”

Echoes of the same farewell were passed on as each boy got into their respective car. Joseph waited them out until they were gone, waving them all goodbyes because that was just how good of a mood he was in. He walked to his own car once everyone was gone, slipping on his shades because that was cool, but paused as he got in. “Where’s Lynch?”

That was weird. He would’ve had to come down this road unless he did a u-turn which would be stupid and an avoidance technique. Lynch didn’t wallow in loss. “Weird,” Joseph murmured as he shut his door and awakened his monster. “Really weird.”

It stopped being weird when the power went out.

“I’m not concerned,” Joseph said to himself, trying to convince his mind that he wasn’t turning around for Ronan. “It’s just a power outage. Happens all the fucking time. Plus, what the fuck could’ve happened?”

Just barely sounding over the engine of the Evo was a screech of tires burning on asphalt. Someone had hit their brakes hard. No one did that because they felt like it.

There was definitely something wrong.

Heart pounding because he was more than ninety percent sure that some shit was going down, Joseph sped up the road. A bright orange car – the Camaro, he realized – came sliding into view with some sort of black mass atop it. Joseph saw it coming before it happened as he drove down the street.

In less than a second, there would be no more road and a telephone pole.

In less than a millisecond, the Camaro slammed into the pole, the black mass and something else tumbling forward as the whole passenger side disappeared. “What…the fuck…is that…” he whispered as he watched another black thing inch its way over the roof.

Whatever it was, it wasn’t from here and it sure looked like it wanted to kill Lynch.

Lynch living should’ve been his first thought but as Joseph sped up to play savior, the only thought he had was a selfish one.

He finally had his chance.

The Evo was facing the entirely wrong way for him to actually be able to do something though. Sliding in beside the Camaro with a practiced skid that Skov envied, Joseph spun his car until his driver’s side had direct line to the Camaro, causing him to catch that freakish thing’s attention. Jesus fucking Lord, what in the _hell_ was that?

Joseph’s curiosity was going to have to wait though.

The monster crouched down on the hood after coming down from the roof, cocking its head and hissing as if Joseph was its new challenger. Too bad for the rancid looking beast that he was.

Lowering his window and reaching beneath his seat for his gun, Joseph stretched his arm through the open window, pointing the small chrome pistol at the hissing…bird? From the corner of his eye, he saw Lynch who was still trapped in the driver’s seat drop down under the dash. “Smart boy,” he snorted as he fired off a bullet into the monster. It stopped hissing and seemed confused, not understanding why or how it’d been hurt.

However, alive wasn’t a favorable outcome here.

Firing another shot, Joseph watched as the thing dropped, the weight of its body hitting hard metal echoing throughout the quiet night. There was a high chance that it was in fact dead but being that Joseph had absolutely no intention of finding out by checking the damn thing’s pulse, he shot off another four bullets, just to be sure.

Did the thing even have a proper pulse point?

Well.

That was that.

Hanging himself out of his window, the gun lazily swinging with his arm, Joseph watched as Lynch’s head slowly popped up from beneath the steering wheel. It was like he was in daze, unbelieving of what had just happened. Joseph couldn’t find a way to disagree with these possible thoughts; what just happened was totally fucked like a dream.

Fucked as fucked.

Lynch opened the door of the Camaro and slowly slid out, his gaze resting on the dead lump on the hood. He stood there, shocked, appalled, _something_ , before he turned to gaze at Joseph. There was no reading his expression as it morphed so quickly from one emotion to another. He didn’t seem like he was going to say anything so Joseph said “Try to keep up, Lynch.” He took a moment to put his gun away before adjusting his car and backing farther up into the shoulder.

This was his moment.

Getting out of the car after throwing it in park, Joseph walked over to the dazed Ronan Lynch, glass crunching with his every step, before coming to a halt. “Well, that’s fucked.” He couldn’t help the appreciating tone that came out. It was a mess of everything but it’d been exciting and fun and fucking worth it. The dead thing looked even freakier up close but Joseph didn’t let his thoughts come out. Lynch was supposed to be the freaked out one, not him.

Although, he was looking more panicked and guilty than anything else. His expression now read ‘I’m so fucked’ as he rubbed at the back of his head. “He’s going to kill me. Goddamn it. He’s going to kill me.”

How stupid was this fuck? Gansey was not the killing type. Pointing at the bird thing, Joseph said “No, _that_ was going to kill you, man. Gansey’ll forgive you, man. He doesn’t want to sleep alone.”

Okay, admittedly, it was hardly the time for such jokes and Lynch seemed to agree as his lips curled into a vicious snarl and he grabbed Joseph by the straps of his tank top. The brush of skin on skin made him shiver in a disgustingly bad way but he wasn’t going to let his weakness show. Ronan shoved him and snapped “ _Enough_ already! This isn’t your fucking Mitsu. I can’t go out and buy another one tomorrow morning.”

Jesus fucking Mary Christ. How _dense_ was this bitch? For God’s fucking sake, this idiot didn’t catch on to a thing, did he? For fuck’s sake, he had a damn dead bird monster on the hood right beside him and yet he still, _still,_ wasn’t considering the dreaming possibility.

Dear Lord, grant Joseph some patience.

Giving Lynch a look, he unhooked his fingers from his now stretched tank. He didn’t appreciate the uncalled for handling, especially because he’d just saved this ass’ life. Hell, Joseph hadn’t even gotten a thank you yet. Deciding that he was going to let the bitch stew for a moment, he watched silently as Ronan paced, his hands behind his head as his eyes darted in every direction of the quiet road. There was no one coming and there wouldn’t be anyone coming this time of night.

Ronan seemed to realize this and his face crumbled just that little bit.

“Look, Lynch,” Joseph said, holding in his exasperated sigh that was sitting at the top of his throat, dying to come out. “It’s simple.” Lynch gave him a look that said he majorly disagreed. “Wrap your tiny Celtic brain around this concept. What did your mom do when your goldfish died?”

Stopping his pacing, Lynch had a face on that said he’d already given all of this thought. Which was wrong because he obviously hadn’t. “I already told you. It’s not your rice rocket. I can get him another, but it won’t be the same. He doesn’t want another one. He wants this one.”

Patience was a virtue. Or so he’d heard. “I’m going to be fucking patient with you because you’ve suffered a head injury. You’re not listening to the words I say.”

“This is not a goldfish,” Ronan practically snapped as he threw a hand in the direction of the fucked Camaro. Jesus, it was so fucked, the poor thing.

There were two ways he could play this. One, he could just straight up tell Lynch about dreaming. It’d work and probably be effective but…maybe unsatisfying? Then there was the one where he could play this out and feed Lynch piece by piece.

It’d be both effective _and_ satisfying.

Plus, he’d get to have Lynch for at least a few hours.

Sounded good to him.

“You people are such drama queens,” Joseph snorted with a shake of his head. “I’m going to pop the trunk and you’re going to scrape that thing into it.” He left out the part where he was so not fucking touching that thing, whatever it was. It kind of reminded Joseph of the terrors from his nightmares. Maybe it was how Ronan’s own terrors looked?

Hey, maybe it was what had ripped him apart all those months ago.

“And then,” Joseph continued to Lynch’s dumbfounded face, “we’re going to take a field trip to concept-land.”

It was just a dirt lot but it was a special dirt lot, thank you.

Ronan gave him a mistrustful look and Joseph understood, he really did. But Lynch needed to grow the fuck up already. “Look,” Joseph continued, “you’re having a life changing experience here. Get in the car before I need to get high again.”

Giving Joseph a long look, Lynch took a deep breath and nodded at the dead thing. “Thought we’re scraping that into the car?”

Pft, there was no fucking ‘we’ in this situation. Joseph wasn’t touching that shit. He’d touched enough dead bodies in his lifetime and there was no way he was going to touch that thing. “Right, right,” he replied, pushing his glasses up into his hair and walking over to the Camaro’s open door. Pulling the little switch, the trunk popped with a _tnk_. “EpiPen and beef jerky?” he muttered softly as he looked at the spilled contents of the glove box. “Hm.”

Lynch was still standing there doing nothing once Joseph backed himself out of the Camaro. Pointing at the dead thing, he swerved his finger towards the trunk. “Push that shit in.” Ronan didn’t move, blinking at Joseph. “Push, man.”

Seemingly finding his senses, Lynch trudged over to the monster but stopped with his hand paused over it. He seemed as reluctant as Joseph felt about touching the nasty thing. It wasn’t within him to blame the Irish boy. That thing was fuck ass nasty.

“Any day now, princess.”

Giving him a nasty glare, Lynch snorted as he set his hands on the horror and began pushing it up the roof “I don’t see you doing shit.”

“I’ve already done plenty of shit,” Joseph replied as he watched the thing roll into the trunk with a mighty shove from Lynch. Slamming the trunk shut, he pointed to his Mitsu sitting idly on the shoulder. “Now get in.”

His fellow raven boy had the look of a mulling man before he must’ve realized that there wasn’t much else he could do. The Camaro definitely wasn’t going anywhere any time soon and he didn’t seem eager to tell Gansey what’d happened.

So he got in the car.

Joseph had to admit, it was all a bit surreal to be sitting in his Evo and having Lynch sitting beside him. Lynch looked to be having the same thought though it was far easier to read on his face than it was on Joseph’s own. They didn’t speak; there wasn’t a reason to. Both of them simply sat in the silence. It wasn’t a silence of noise but a silence of speech and just as potentially suffocating. There was the sound of the engine in the background and of course, Joseph didn’t go anywhere without his music playing.

Duh.

He’d decided that the best way to get Lynch to open up was for himself to do the same. His secret was a dark and dangerous thing but Lynch was as well. _They_ were the same.

And nothing had ever felt more beautiful than knowing that he wasn’t alone.

Driving them out of Henrietta, Joseph decided that taking them to his secret lot was the best plan. His dreaming lot filled with pure magic. With the evidence presented literally right in front of him, there was no way Lynch could go on denying.

This was thee moment and Joseph was going to play it right. Everything was riding on this going to perfection. Joseph _needed_ this to go right.

Or else he wasn’t sure what he’d do anymore.

He drove them on past Deering, the roads becoming smaller and quieter as they went on. As he shifted from third to fourth, he caught Lynch’s eyes watching his hand intently. “My eyes are up here, sweetheart.” Lynch said nothing beyond a dismissive noise as he gazed out into the pitch black night. He wondered if Lynch had any clue to where they were going. Did he recognize the road to the fairgrounds?

Not knowing why, Joseph suddenly realized that his heart was pounding so loud that it was ringing in his ears. Was it because his body just knew that this was it? A few more yards and a turn onto the gravel path and there they’d be.

 _Please, God, I need this to go right. Please_.

This was all or nothing right now, as Joseph turned onto the overgrown path to his dream land. All or nothing and Joseph prayed that it’d play out to be all.

Bringing the car to a stop right before they’d entered the actual lot, Joseph ignored the pounding echoing through his body and said steadily “I know what you are.”

Ronan said nothing, didn’t even glance towards him, but it felt like all the air in the car had suddenly been inhaled, waiting for the moment to break.

Slamming the gas, Joseph charged the Mitsu forward into where he spent more than half his time, creating, rebuilding, and fixing. A place where he got to be removed from the hell of reality. It was almost like his little haven, protection from when the outside world was too cruel to handle.

Welcome to concept land, Ronan Lynch.


	127. Chapter 126

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Guess who's up to writing the Fourth of July! Almost doneeeee  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Nightmares are fucked. Up. My life too. Ugh, I need to get up.”_

He drove them through row after row of all his failed Evos.

Line after line after line.

“Goldfish,” Joseph said, watching the silently shocked Ronan carefully. The other boy was just staring like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. And hell, maybe he really couldn’t. Maybe Joseph’s assessment of Ronan never grasping that the world went beyond him and his father was right.

Ronan’s hands formed tight fists as Joseph pulled them down another lane, the realization finally dawning on him as he said “I guess I’m not the only one with recurring dreams.”

Crying right now would be both stupid and ridiculous but honestly, that was what Joseph felt like doing. Finally, _finally,_ Ronan had made the connections. Finally, Joseph had someone like him. Finally, he didn’t have to face this world alone.

Maybe, maybe, life would finally start looking better.

Hauling up the parking brake, he turned his head to take in Ronan Lynch, fellow dreamer extraordinaire. It seemed like he couldn’t even formulate a thought as he gazed out with wide eyes at Mitsu after Mitsu. Imagine if he knew about the rest of the shit Joseph had around here. “I told you, man. Simple solution.”

Ronan was lost in the land of the disbelievers, his voice low as he said “Cars. An entire car.”

Oh, this cherry baby. If he didn’t think a car was possible…maybe he wasn’t as extraordinary as Joseph had always given him credit for. Cars? Cars were nothing to Joseph now. “No – world.” Lynch stared back him, a deer in headlights. “An entire _world_.”

Lynch turned his gaze back out at the field, his wonder evident in his silence. His fists loosened to where they splayed out on his visible knees, pale skin flashing through the dark jeans. “World…” he whispered, fingers tapping an unheard beat upon his leg. “World.”

“Yes sir,” Joseph replied. He himself had never managed an entire world but he knew it was possible for people like his prádyado. “World. Hell, _worlds._ The limit is fucking endless, man.” Ronan kept his focus out on the field, his head shaking slowly. Joseph needed to be sure that this fool wasn’t about to have a dreaming freak out the way straights did when they found out they might be gay. “Lynch, man, look at me.” His words fell on deaf ears. “ _Ronan_.”

Maybe it was the way he’d said his name, but it was enough to catch the Irish boy’s attention. “You dreamed these.”

What the fuck had they just gone through saying? Jesus Christ, was this boy slow. “No, my fucking dog did. What the hell is wrong with you? Keep up, man.”

“I just…” Ronan shook his head again and rubbed his face harshly as though he could scrub away all the realizations crashing down on him. “Cars,” he repeated behind his hands. “Fucking _cars._ ”

“You must have shit imagination,” Joseph snorted as he turned to sit properly in his seat to set up a line of coke on his dash. He knew it wasn’t true because that freakish bird gross thing had come from Lynch’s head but if he couldn’t even imagine making cars…his technique probably sucked.

This discovery was a lot more disappointing than he thought it’d be.

Ronan said nothing as he removed his hands and watched Joseph get high. Sparing him a glance as he wiped off the rest of the residue on his dashboard, Joseph asked more sarcastically than in concern “You okay over there?”

“I’m undecided.”

“Hmm,” Joseph replied, on the brink of an eyeroll. This bitch was pathetic. Tapping a finger on the steering wheel, Joseph decided to try another tactic. “So…what the fuck was that nasty ass bird?” From the look Ronan gave him, Joseph had a feeling that the question wasn’t welcome. “Or man. What exactly was it? Man or animal?” His head turned back out to the white speckled field, not even bothering to deign Joseph with a response. “Okay…so…”

“Do you ever stop talking?” Ronan asked softly, the question more just there to sit than to be answered. “Ever?”

Rude as fuck. Imagine if Joseph _hadn’t_ saved his life. How charming would he be then? “Hey, man, you should be happy. I’m not a talkative person and here I am giving you a shit ton of words. At least be grateful.” Lynch, of course, said nothing at all. Huffing and giving in to that impending eyeroll, Joseph lowered the parking brake and put the car back in drive. This fucker didn’t want to talk? Cool. Two could play at this game just fine.

Pulling them back onto the road and driving them back towards the way they came, Joseph wondered what would happen next. Lynch now knew about him and he knew that Joseph knew about _him_ so…what was the next step? He really didn’t want to let Lynch go as of yet but he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with him either. And where was Gansey in between this all? Didn’t he notice his car was gone?

Unless…he wasn’t here…

“Where’s Gansey?” he asked as they drove along the dark highway. Joseph purposefully made sure to not insult Dick in any way. That’d get him nowhere. With or without the insults, Ronan didn’t seem to appreciate the question as he kept his head resting on the window, watching the mountain the highway was built along as they passed. “Oh-kay. Don’t speak.”

They went on in silence, Joseph not even bothering with the radio. Maybe he’d just take Lynch back to his place? That could work. And then they could get to the serious parts and talk some shit over. Joseph wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to talk about but he wasn’t going to fuck up this opportunity with another dreamer. This was a once in the lifetime chance.

“Out of town.”

Joseph gave a quick glace over at Lynch who was still staring out the window. He honestly hadn’t expected him to answer. “Ah. Sounds fun.”

“Yeah.”

Rubbing the little hoop hanging from his ear, Joseph asked “Family shit?” Ronan just hummed. Still more than he’d been expecting, really. “Cool, cool. Guess you weren’t invited, huh?”

“Go fuck yourself,” Ronan snapped, his head flying to face him so quickly that Ronan’s neck was at risk of snapping. “How ‘bout that?”

So this was obviously a very sensitive topic. Obviously, if Joseph had been left behind by Emilio for some trip, he would’ve been peeved, just a bit, but this was…

Ah.

“Parrish went with him?”

“How much do you like being alive, you piece of shit?”

“Not as much as you may think,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, swerving into the opposite lane before going back to the proper one to go around the slowest damn Toyota in the world. “But since this is _such_ a touchy topic and I’m a nice guy, I’ll let it go.” Keeping the car in fourth, he quickly opened his center console and pulled out a pack of gum. He was a generous dude. “Gum?”

Ronan glared at the Trident for a while before yanking it roughly out of Joseph’s hand. Taking out a piece of gum, Ronan tossed the empty pack onto the floor before opening his piece and shoving it into his mouth. The wrapper ended up on the floor as well and Joseph sure as fuck did not stand for that shit. “Excuse you.”

Lynch raised an eyebrow.

“The trash, you trash,” Joseph all but snapped. “I don’t tolerate that bullshit.” It was almost like Ronan was amused by these words and as much as Joseph wanted the other boy to find him amusing, it wasn’t going to come at the cost of his beautiful baby. “Pick it up.”

Bending down with an amused little huff, Lynch picked up his trash, rolled down his window, and tossed it out. Polluting the planet wasn’t much better of an idea but at least it wasn’t his Mitsu. He rolled his window back up and crossed his arms as he stared over at Joseph. “Where’re we going exactly?”

Oh so conveniently, the highway sign for Henrietta came up. Pointing at it, he snorted “Duh.”

Rolling his eyes, Ronan clarified “Where in Henrietta?”

“Oh,” Joseph replied as though he hadn’t actually known exactly what Lynch had been asking. “My place. Duh.”

Silence was the reply he received but it wasn’t an ugly or uncomfortable one. More of a considering one like Ronan was trying to decide if this was a good idea or not. Really, it was a little of both. “Duh.”

A smile grew on Joseph’s face because that sure sounded like agreement to him. “You like movies? Who doesn’t like movies? We’ll watch movies. We’ll get wasted because why the fuck not, right? Lots of drinks, drinks, drinks. You drink? You gotta drink. Everyone at Aglionby has at least had a sip, we all know that. Movies and drinks. And junk food because everyone _loves_ junk food.”

“I thought we’re supposed to talk.”

They were definitely doing that one. But Joseph had his hopes on that drinks would loosen Ronan’s tongue a bit. Plus, what made a person feel more at ease with another than a night having fun together? Or at least moderate fun? That was what built trust. “We will, princess, no worries. But we should toast first.”

With a skeptical glare because Ronan only knew how to glare apparently, he asked “To?”

“Finding one another, of course.”

 

 

“You ever seen Saudi racing?” Joseph asked as he plopped down into a theater seat after setting down the two cases of beer he’d come walking in with.

Once they’d arrived, the first thing he did was tell Ronan to stay in the car until he came back. He needed to be sure that his mother was in bed; Joseph had no intentions of her fucking things up. It’d be unintentional but that didn’t change the fucking up part. Of course, he wasn’t taking any chances of Ronan bolting so he’d locked and put the alarm to his car.

It was petty and ridiculous but efficient had Ronan tried to take the chance to get away.

“Saudi?” Ronan snorted as he stood in the doorway of the basement, taking in the sight with a slow meticulous gaze. “Like Saudi Arabia?”

Lord, help him from this boy. Help him. Cracking open a beer and holding it out in Ronan’s direction, he replied “Obviously, yeah. Is there another Saudi something? Jesus, man.”

Lynch just nodded as he inched closer, his eyes traveling over the popcorn machine to the theater seats to the shelves filled with shit that Joseph hadn’t even watched beyond a couple titles. When his inching finally brought him to the chair beside Joseph’s, he looked down at the offered beer. He didn’t take it but instead stared with careful thought like he’d never seen alcohol before.

“So have you?”

“Have I what?” Ronan said, taking the beer as quick as possible as though he was battling with himself. He dropped down into the seat and took a large gulp. There wasn’t a wince meaning that the taste wasn’t foreign to his Celtic taste buds. “Beaten your face in? Yeah, actually, I have.”

“Yo, man,” Joseph snorted as he opened his own drink with a satisfying _clink_ and a _tsh_ of the alcohol bubbling, “I’m trying to be civil here. Make a fucking effort, yeah? I did save your life and all.”

He received a glare as Ronan sipped his drink. “I would’ve handled it.”

“Uhuh, yeah, totally.”

“I would’ve,” Ronan repeated much more strongly. “Anyways.”

“Anyways,” Joseph agreed with a nod and a gulp of his own burning alcohol. “Saudi racing?”

Taking a sip of his beer, Ronan stayed quiet for a moment before saying “No. What do you do exactly, watch racing vids? Who does that?”

“A man with taste.” Getting to his feet and grabbing his phone from atop the popcorn machine, he searched up Saudi drifting videos to hook up to the big screen. “And why not? It’s sick as fuck. It’s literally this whole phenomenon over there.” Pulling up the video he wanted, he walked over to set up the big screen as he explained “It’s not so much racing as it is drifting.”

“A test of skill then.”

“Exactly,” Joseph replied once he set it up and trotted back to his seat. He threw himself in and picked up his drink once more. “They even have specially named maneuvers.”

The video came up, an ugly white Toyota taking up the large screen. Lynch seemed incredibly unimpressed as he downed his beer and tossed it to the side. Joseph would beat his head in for that one later. “Why the fuck is he driving that shitty little sedan?”

Cracking open another drink and handing it over with Lynch accepting it without a second thought, Joseph said “That way if they fuck up the car, no biggie. I read that sometimes they steal them so that way they can just ditch ‘em when they’re done.” The little Toyota did what Joseph had come to learn as a ‘sefty;’ spinning the car a full 360 degrees starting from any side and then spinning the opposite side of the first 360 with a short power slide between.

It was pure glorious insanity taking place on a busy highway in Riyadh. And Joseph loved it.

“Gimme another,” Lynch said, sticking his hand out towards Joseph and the beer. “Put it here, trash man.”

The term was far from endearing but Joseph was going to endure. Lynch was here, in his house, and that was what mattered. Everything else would fall into place, easy peasy. With another dreamer on his side, Joseph was finally starting to think that he had the chance at being whole.

Life could only better from here.


	128. Chapter 127

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Irrelevant news! My crochet stuff now has an insta. Check it out [here!](http://www.instagram.com/theyarnsmith) Follow, like, share, all that nice stuff and help a dudebro get a business going.
> 
> And yeah...  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Yessir. Free of charge. I help you, you help me, we all live in a happy family!”_

It took a lot of effort, but eventually, Joseph got his eyes to open.

Eventually.

Groaning as he rolled himself out of the theater seat and onto the floor, Joseph tried to remember if he’d ever noticed that the carpet smelled like…carpet. What was that stuff that you sprayed on furniture? Something with an f…

“Fuck me,” Joseph groaned as he dragged himself up to sit on his ass. The momentum he’d found to sit up didn’t last however as he just went _ploop!_ back down onto the floor. “This works too,” he mumbled into the fresh smelling floor. “Just as good.”

The last time he’d gotten this wasted…honestly, Joseph wasn’t sure. He got wasted a lot, well, more high than wasted, but almost the same deal. It all involved him getting mightily fucked in the head. All the beer had gone straight to his brain yesterday and it felt like his head weighed twenty pounds.

Had to be why he couldn’t sit up straight.

Blinking open his tired crusty eyes, Joseph squinted at the thing asleep in a chair. Oh, Lynch. Not a thing. “Hi, Lynch. It’s me, Joseph. Nice to meet you.” He rubbed harshly at his eyes as he rolled over onto his back. “Fuck me, it’s called Febreze.” Dropping his head to the side to stare at Lynch, he murmured “Febreze makes shit smell nice.”

Ronan had no opinion on this matter apparently as a soft snore escaped his lips.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if you had a nightmare and then…I had a nightmare,” Joseph began, trying to formulate proper thoughts. Cold water. He should throw cold water on his face. And then take Walnut out so she didn’t crap in the house. “Nightmares are fucked. Up. My life too. Ugh, I need to get up.”

Very very slowly, he crawled his way into a proper sitting position and leaned against the wall. Joseph inhaled so deep that his lungs ached before letting out the breath and stretching his arms as high up as he could. “Find your head, Kavinsky. Stuffs gonna get serious real soon.”

With a large yawn that stretched his mouth to its limits, Joseph crawled towards the bathroom, unwilling to get up on his feet. He’d probably just tip over anyways so what was the point of using his feet? On his way, he paused and glanced up and Lynch’s sleeping face. There was always that saying that people looked younger in their sleep or more restful or whatever the fuck but honestly, Lynch still seemed very Lynch-ish. The furrow of his brow wasn’t as hardcore as usual but that was the extent of his restfulness.

“Oh hello…” he whispered in a drawl as a little glint winked at him from Lynch’s pocket. Was he really going to grab the guy’s phone? It’d be a worse of an action than breaking into the fugly warehouse. But then…it _was_ right there…he probably would never get another chance like this… “Ah fuck it.”

He took it.

Continuing his crawl with Lynch’s phone now in hand, Joseph dragged himself in and shut the door. He took a moment to glance at the phone before shrugging and reaching up to set it on the sink before hauling himself up. What he’d do with it, he’d decide after he pissed all the alcohol out of his system.

Pissing and washing up took more energy out of him than he expected but lucky for him, he was still in his jeans so he pulled out the last of his coke baggie, split it, and snorted up his first serving of the day. “I need food, I think,” Joseph muttered as he walked out of the bathroom, Lynch’s phone in hand, and dropped himself into a seat. “Let’s see what we’ve got here…”

For one thing, this fucker was stupid because he didn’t have a lock on his phone. Who still did that? Two, it seemed like he and his phone weren’t the best of friends because nothing was personalized. He even still had the default wallpaper up looking all ugly. “Terrible taste.”

Pictures showed him nothing and the only texts were from himself. “Lord, is your life boring as fuck,” Joseph sighed as he clicked on contacts, deciding to see who Lynch thought was good enough to be there. The names were few – not surprisingly – and there was no one that Joseph felt like fucki- “Ohhhh. I got an idea!”

Joseph clicked on Gansey’s name to type him some shit but his thumbs froze atop the keyboard. If this was going to be his one chance…it needed to be good. Really good. But what would be good enough? What would be _satisfying_ enough?

Hmm…

Casting a glance over in Lynch’s direction, Joseph tried to come up with a good plan. Or something to throw Gansey off maybe? Hell, there was no way he knew about his car yet so maybe he should start with that? “Yeah, yeah, that’d be good…” Joseph said softly, biting on his lip as he thought. “But I need something…substantial. Something like ‘in your fucking face, Dick.’ Oh.”

That was it.

A dick.

He was pretty sure Gansey was straight but he knew Lynch wasn’t. Maybe he’d just make some kind of joke like he always did about them. Joseph highly doubted Gansey had ever actually seen Ronan’s dick so…he wouldn’t know the difference would he? “But then…it could be any dick…” he mused quietly, throwing his legs over the armrest and setting his feet in the chair beside him. “How to make it…”

Ah.

Perfect.

It was a good thing he kept a couple green pills on him because in the matter of a few minutes, he was out and back all victorious.

Irish flag in hand.

The plan was perfect and diabolical and genius. Joseph was brilliant for thinking it up.

Up until it came time to pull his pants down.

“It’s just a fucking picture,” Joseph muttered at himself, trying to goad himself into doing it. So Gansey was going to know what his dick looked like, who cared? And Lynch was only a few seats away and it wasn’t like he wanted to glance at Joseph’s junk anyways. Plus, he was sleeping. There’d be no peeping in his sleep. “Just a picture, Joseph.”

Fuck the fucking bastard who ruined him. Who made him feel so disgusting all the time.

His eyes fluttered shut as he inhaled nice and slow and let it out even slower. “It’s just a picture,” he repeated. “Remember when you wanted to get your penis pierced? Remember when you didn’t give a fuck who saw your junk? You’re confident. You’re fucking. Confident.”

Joseph was confident. And he was fucking good looking too. And his dick was gorgeous. And he was taking this overboard but fuck that, he could do this. He still had dreams of getting pierced down low but the only tattoo place he trusted was Drake’s and Drake was very obviously a man.

There were a lot of hang ups he had to work through, he knew.

Unbuttoning his pants and pulling them and his underwear down as fast as possible because the faster he did this, the sooner he’d be done, Joseph tied the flag around the base of his sadly unpierced cock and grabbed Lynch’s phone to take a picture. “Aw, fuck, that’s fucking unhygienic,” he couldn’t help but laugh. Too late. He’d use a wipe to clean the phone once he was done.

He took a second to make sure that the picture was good before setting the phone to the side. Pants first, then messages. Once he was all tucked in and rebuttoned while still wishing he could find the nerve to get pierced – he needed to find a lady tattooist – Joseph picked up the phone once more and hit send. A goofy smile grew on his face and also just a touch of pride grew in his heart.

Joseph had just sent his first dick pic.

Yeah, he was fucking immature, leave him be.

_before you hear it from anyone else, i wrecked the pig_

The pig, he’d learned, was the name of the Camaro. He’d overheard it a few months ago and had seriously thought that someone owned a pig. Being the animal nerd that he was, Joseph was actually excited at the prospect of someone owning one. He was a city boy through and through and city folk didn’t get to see farm animals like everyone else did.

Eventually, he’d learned the truth which wasn’t as close to exciting as a real life pig was. Joseph had felt a little cheated of an experience, to be honest.

_but don’t worry man I got it under control say hi to your mom for me_

Joseph had no clue how Ronan and Gansey spoke to one another when texting but he was pretty sure the ‘say hi’ part wasn’t in character.

Oh well.

With a shrug, he sent off the second text and waited. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do anyways with Lynch still snoring. In the beginning, it’d struck him as odd that Ronan was so impressed by shitty cars that were obviously failures. But spending the night thinking on it made him think that maybe…Ronan wasn’t as good as Joseph thought he was. If Ronan was impressed by failures, that meant the he’d never taken anything out of that size. Or maybe even that complexity. Joseph hadn’t wanted to play teacher, no, he much rather would have had an equal but…

Maybe being the teacher would work in his favor.

Yawning as he stretched, Joseph glanced at the dark screen of the phone and then over at Ronan. “Jesus Christ, you people take forever for anything, don’t you?” He spared another glance at the phone. “Let’s go, Dickey. I haven’t got all day.”

And he really didn’t. Joseph had a feeling that if Lynch saw what he was doing or just caught wind of it, the fucker would be mightily pissed. Which wouldn’t be wrong of course because Joseph was breaking through privacy walls but it could hardly be attributed to being his fault. Lynch was the one who’d made the mistake of sleeping in when Joseph was bored.

When the phone rang and said in nice bold letters ‘GANSEY,’ a smile grew on Joseph’s face as he opened the line and held the phone up to his ear. “Dick. Gansey.” The other line stayed silent, Gansey probably wondering what the fuck was going on or even bothering to check to see if he’d called the correct number. Which he, in fact, had. Obviously. When it stayed quiet for too long, Joseph asked “Dick-Three, you there?”

“Joseph,” Gansey greeted, and it was a nice greeting. All polite and pleasant like they were old enemies coming to together over a lunch of fresh salad.

“Funny I should hear from you,” Joseph began even though they both knew who was the one who’d initiated the conversation. “Saw your car running around last night. It’s got half a face now. Poor bastard.”

It really was a shame because the Camaro was a lovely piece of gorgeousness. Granted, it was kind of shitty but, hey, it was beautiful on the outside.

A sigh of something whispered was reply to his words. Joseph couldn’t really make out what had been said. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Come again?” A huge grin unwittingly grew on his face as a flash of immaturity from earlier arrived once more. “I know, I know – that’s what Lynch says.”

Honestly, most days, Joseph truly amazed himself. And confused too. Definitely confused.

“All right, now,” Gansey said in reply, his response sounding like it was taking a lot out of him to keep up his polite demeanor. Joseph liked knowing that he pushed those buttons. “This was great. You giving this phone back to Ronan at any point?”

Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if Gansey knew the truth about Ronan. Did he know about his dreaming powers? Or about just magic in general? He had to know a little of something though, didn’t he? He and Parrish messed around with Lynch’s dream stuff all the time, Joseph had seen them. Plus, Lynch couldn’t have flipped the magic switch on his own. He had to have had some help.

“He’s going to have to try harder,” Joseph said.

“I beg your pardon?”

He couldn’t help it. Maybe by sending a picture of his dick, he’d opened the door for boyish stupidity for the day because he was just hitting all the right notes with his jokes. “That’s what Lynch says too.”

If the annoyed silence on the other end of the line was anything to go by, Ganey was anything but amused. This of course just made Joseph’s smile grow larger. “Do you ever think your humor veers too much on the side of prurient?”

Joseph rolled his eyes. This bitch. Who didn’t like sex jokes? They were hilarious if done right. And Joseph always did them right. And…prurient? Who the fuck went around actually using their fancy ass vocab words? Dick Gansey, apparently. “Man, don’t SAT at me.” Scratching at his bedhead, Joseph snorted “Here’s what’s up. The Ronan you know is no more.” A lie but it’d be truth soon. “He’s having a coming-of-age moment. A –” shit, what was the word…there was a really nice word for… “a – bildungsroman.”

Bam. Top that, bitch.

“Goddamn me!” he laughed in triumph. Who would’ve thought that he’d remember the most useless stupid sounding word ever. “SAT _that_ , Dick-Dick-Dick.”

Gansey was hardly as amused as Joseph was with all the jokes. “Kavinsky, where’s Ronan?”

Interesting how he’d gone from Joseph to Kavinsky. Was Kavinsky only reserved for when he was being too utterly annoying? “Right here,” Joseph replied easily because there was no reason to lie about it. Looking over at Ronan still sleeping, he shouted “WAKE UP, FUCKWEASEL, IT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!”

Ronan didn’t even budge, that bitch.

Oh well.

“Sorry,” Joseph said with a shrug, “He’s totally pissed. Can I take a message?”

He waited for Gansey to respond but nothing was forthcoming. Joseph passed the long silent minute looking at his nails that were as broken and ruined as the rest of him. When it came to the point that he’d examined all of his nails and Dick had still yet to say anything, Joseph said “Dickie. You still there?”

“I’m here,” Gansey replied, his voice not wavering in its angry firm resolve. “What do you want?”

Fuck that. What did he want? He wanted a life, a family, some affection…the list could go on. Forever. What did he want? Joseph wanted his life to stop being the shit it was. He wanted Ronan to see him as more than just a side annoyance.

He wanted to understand himself.

But instead of spelling this all out for Mr. Richard Gansey the Third, Joseph snorted a different truth that was just a tad more superficial than the rest. “Same thing I always want. To be entertained.”


	129. Chapter 128

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> _“Gloriously beautifully dangerous.”_

Once he hung up with Dick, Joseph was back in his same old situation.

Bored as fuck.

He sat there, in the seat, just watching Lynch doze as he tapped his phone on his knee. Really, there wasn’t much else he could do anyways. Even though it was almost noon, he knew that his mother would still be sleeping and provided that she was sleeping, Walnut was most likely by her side.

This left the time for just him and Ronan.

If the bitch would get his ass up and moving.

With a sigh and a glance at his own phone, Joseph rolled his eyes as he read a text from Swan.

_hola whatre u up to today_

Joseph wished that he could figure out what the fuck was up with Swan these days. It wasn’t necessarily anything bad but it was odd and only getting odder. Also…potentially dangerous. Swan seemed like he wanted their relationship to be something more than just the tentative friends that they were and Joseph wasn’t sure he was okay with that. He felt like Swan wanted to be moved up to like…Emilio level of friend or something. And there was nothing wrong with that except that Joseph knew it’d just end up going horribly wrong. He only ever hurt the people who got close to him.

His eyes flicked over to Lynch who was finally starting to fidget a little. Making up his mind even though he knew it was mean spirited, he texted back something that would piss Swan off. Monumentally.

_fucking and hanging with Lynch. Irish boy’s off his leash now_

Sending it off without a second thought, Joseph suddenly realized that he’d joked about fucking like it was nothing. Well…he wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Was it something like progress? Or just a byproduct of hanging around Jiang too much?

Maybe a little of both?

The phone and Swan were immediately forgotten as he noticed Lynch start moving and blinking awake. Thank the fucking Lord because Joseph was losing all his marbles to boredom. Ronan blinked around for a few more dazed seconds before Joseph said “You didn’t throw up.” It was a wonder actually unless Ronan drank so often where he’d earned himself a nice tolerance. “Most people throw up after drinking that much.” Joseph sure had.

No words met his and Joseph was back to feeling bored. And uncomfortable actually. Ronan was just…staring. It was pretty unnerving. “Say something, Rain Man.”

Ronan stared for a moment longer before he asked “Are there others?”

Straight to business then? Perfect. “Hell if I know,” he answered with a shrug. Fuck, he wished he knew. That’d change his entire life. Are there others? There had to be, didn’t there? There couldn’t be just Ronan and Joseph. Are there others? He prayed that there was so he could finally meet someone to help him. Lynch was little more than an amateur, probably not at the level of even Joseph.

Are there others?

Joseph wanted there to be.

“Is your father one?”

He knew that he was only asking the question because of Niall. “Is _your_ father one?” He already had the answer to that but Lynch didn’t need to know.

Lynch didn’t need to know nor did he look like he even wanted to tell as he got up and trudged to the bathroom. Or, that’s where Joseph thought that he was headed to but it took him a moment to pick the correct door. Once he managed that, he shut himself in with a slam of the door.

Which left Joseph to his own bored devices once more.

Sighing and rolling out of his chair, he went over to the bathroom door and said “I’m getting bored, man. You want a line?” He received no answer which wasn’t surprising but a little disconcerting, really. Lynch’s silence was getting just a tad annoying. It was understandable but it was no less annoying.

Joseph gave Ronan another second before rolling his eyes and walking over to the popcorn machine, setting up the last of his baggie into a nice line. Reminding himself and taking a mental note in his head to grab more before he went out, Joseph snorted up the powder to the sound of the bathroom door opening. Lynch stood against the wall, watching, so Joseph raised his brow up, conveying a silent offering.

His offering was turned down which wasn’t surprising. “You always this talkative after you drink?”

“What were you doing with my phone?”

Sure took him a while. “Calling your mother.”

Okay, that one was a little harsh.

“Say something else about my mother,” Ronan said in such a calm and easy manner, “and I’ll smash your face in. How do you do it?”

The high was flooding through his veins, with that euphoria invading his brain even though he wasn’t actually feeling it. His body temperature spiked as he said “So violent. Such a PTSD poster boy.” Taking a second while tilting his head back and forth, feeling like his veins were about to explode, Joseph added “You know how to do it. I saw you do it.”

“What are you talking about?”

Seriously? Was this bitch seriously going to play _dumb?_ “Your ‘suicide attempt’, man. I saw it happen. The gate’s right by Proko’s window.” Ronan’s face paled just a bit as though he couldn’t believe someone had figured out what had truly happened. “I saw you wake up and the blood appear. I knew what you were.”

Looking entirely dumbfounded but not letting it affect him, Ronan snorted “You don’t know a damn thing about me.”

Oh for the love of- Jumping up onto one of the theater seats so it played that stupid ass tune that had been stuck in his head when he’d made them, Joseph rocked it so Ronan could catch the music. “Come on, man.”

“Tell me how you do it,” Ronan said, watching Joseph bounce from chair to chair before he landed onto the plush floor. If anything was to ever prove Joseph right, it was that one line. Ronan really didn’t know how to manage his dreams. Not that Joseph did but obviously out of the two of them, he was the one with the superior skills. “I don’t mean just the dreaming. The cars. The IDs. The-” he flashed his wrist, indicating the bracelets.

There was no set manual, obviously, and most of this was just what Joseph had figured out on his own but if Ronan was looking for a teacher?

Joseph was more than sure he could be one.

Dreamer for dreamer.

“You have to go after what you want,” Joseph replied, walking closer to Lynch who was still standing beside the bathroom door. “You have to know what you want.”

Ronan didn’t seem pleased with this thought and Joseph fully understood why. When you were a dreamer, nothing was ever black and white. Nothing was ever just this or that. Not once in Joseph’s life had he ever had such a grasp on something where, with full surety, he could say he wanted it.

When a person was a dreamer, life demanded that you navigated like a pro. The problem was, navigation without a map was nearly impossible. _But_ if you had a companion…

Things started to get a lot easier.

Opportunity was knocking at his door.

Joseph planned on answering.

“I’ll teach you.”

Lynch gave him a wary glance. “You’ll teach me.”

“Yessir. Free of charge. I help you, you help me, we all live in a happy family!”

There was an eye roll but Joseph made sure not to take it personally. Crossing his arms, Ronan said “So…when do we start?”

Perfect. Nothing brought two people closer together than shared trials. “Now if you’re ready, baby.” Ronan ran his gaze over him, probably trying to decide if this was a good idea or not. Joseph was sending telepathic messages of ‘yes, yes, yes’ but he wasn’t sure if they were getting through. “Lynch? You down? Dick needs a new goldfish.”

If Ronan was having any second thoughts, they were all erased by that reminder. Guilt flooded his face like nothing Joseph had ever seen before as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’m down.” Determination set in his eyes, powerful and fierce. “I’m down.”

Giving two pats to Ronan’s cheek with an ugly smirk playing on his own face, Joseph replied “Smart boy. Let’s do this.” Spinning around and walking over to where he’d left the phones, he tossed Ronan’s over to its owner and pocketed his own. He marched back towards the door of the basement, pausing only for a second before continuing on because oh well as he remembered that he hadn’t wiped the phone, excitement ready to rupture his heart. “Let’s go back to concept land, my dear.”

The drive back was both silent and uneventful, which to Joseph, was perfectly alright. They had a lot to do today, a lot of dreaming ground to cover, so if they had a boring ass car ride, it was okay. Totally fine. He pulled them back into the clearing, his excitement so large that his hands were jittering on the steering wheel. This was finally it.

Finally the _moment._

Putting the car in park and hauling up the handbrake, Joseph reached behind Ronan’s seat and pulled over a six-pack. Dreaming was all fine and well but dreaming with some shit in your system was even better. “Okay, princess, show me what you can do.”

Lynch looked between him and the six-pack skeptically before shrugging and unbuckling his seatbelt before taking one of the cans out of the box. “Is this a test or something, professor?”

“Placement test, yeah,” Joseph replied, pulling out his own beer and cracking it open at the same time as Ronan cracked his. “Can’t teach you without knowing where you stand.”

Nodding, in what Joseph figured to be agreement, Ronan took a couple gulps of his drink before setting it down in the cup holder. “So…just dream?”

“Pretty much, yeah. Do you want me to knock you out?”

He couldn’t stop the grin that grew on his face from the glare that Ronan threw at him. Lowering the seat back just a bit, Ronan shut his eyes with a deep breath. It was boring as fuck watching him, especially because he knew that he hadn’t fallen asleep yet, but he was going to let Lynch do it his own way first before intervening.

Eventually and thankfully, Lynch’s breathing slowed into that of one asleep. It only took a few minutes – too many to Joseph – before he awakened, his eyes flying open wide as awareness thrust itself back on him. There was something on his chest, held lightly between his fingers but…he didn’t seem to be moving. Joseph often ended up sluggish when he awakened so maybe…this was just how Ronan awakened?

Interesting.

Squinting through the darkness of the tint of his sunglasses, Joseph leaned over and said “Wow, man, this is…a pen.” Joseph didn’t think a pen was anywhere good enough to show off his skills for a placement test. Was this seriously the best Lynch could do? Pulling it out from between slack fingers, Joseph tested it out on his dashboard. “What’s this shit, man? Looks like the Declaration of Independence.”

The pen literally wrote in cursive even though Joseph wasn’t trying to. Not that he’d ever liked cursive; he could barely write neat enough print as it was. In theory, the pen was cute and all but…it fucking sucked balls. Big big balls. Shaking his head in disappointment and turning his focus back on the frozen Ronan Lynch, Joseph glanced at the pen and then back at Ronan with a smile and began tapping it on those stupid perfect teeth. It was amusing only because Lynch couldn’t do anything about it up until he could and slapped Joseph’s hand away viciously.

Rude.

Tossing the pen at Ronan, Joseph shook his head with scorn. He’d been hoping for someone to keep up with him, a challenge, not this…amateur. A pen? Fuck a pen. “Watch this,” he said, pulling out a green pill from his pocket and tossing it into his mouth before he washed it down with a gulp of beer. A pen? Yeah, okay. Joseph could easily top that.

He felt his pulse escalating, the banging of blood rushing echoing in his head, as he tossed off his glasses and rubbed his eye. When he opened his eyes next, he was in the forest. Joseph wasted no time in grabbing what he wanted from the forest floor as it lay there, shadowed by the tall grass.

In and out.

Jolting awake with a violent sputtering to his heart, Joseph blinked his eyes open, his hand fisted tightly around his newest dream object. His mouth twisted into a sly grin upon seeing the shock in Ronan’s eyes. Opening his hand, he revealed the pen cap that would go _perfectly_ with the pen. Joseph flicked his fingers until Ronan handed over the pen. The cap fit as snug as a bug.

Obviously.

“Amateur,” he snorted, wiggling the pen between two fingers. “ _This_ is the way to dream back Gansey’s balls for him.”

Ronan was looking very unamused as he demanded “Is this going to be a thing?” Joseph said nothing because…it might? Depended on his mood, really. Setting his hand on the door handle as though he was going to get out, Lynch added “Like, is this going to be what’s funny to you? Because I don’t want this that bad. I can figure it out myself.”

Time had obviously proven otherwise being that the best Ronan could do to impress was his measly cursive pen. “Sure you can,” he replied, sarcasm oozing from his voice as he cocked a finger at Lynch. “Give him that pen. Write him a little note with it. In fucking George Washington letters, ‘Dear Dick, drive this, ex-oh-ex-oh. Ronan Lynch.”

For a brief moment, he was worried he’d pushed too hard with the ex-oh but Lynch dropped his hand from the door and relaxed once more in his seat. His face resumed that guilty determined look it’d had before. “Leave Gansey out of this.”

It’d be his god fucking pleasure. He made a _whoo_ shape with his mouth. If they could just remove Dick from the entire picture, everything would be perfect. “Gladly, Lynch. Here’s the deal. You get your stuff from the same place every time, right?”

“Mostly.”

A little niggling of wonder knocked on his brain. Mostly? Did Lynch have other places? “Go back there. Don’t go anywhere else. Why would you want to go anywhere else? You wanna go where your shit’s at.”

No duh.

“That’s where you go,” he continued, Lynch’s attention all on him. It was relishing really. “You’re thinking of what you want before you go to sleep, right?” Dream rule one-o-one, that one. “You know it’s gonna be there, in that place. Don’t let it know you’re there. It’ll change on you if you do. You’ve gotta be in and out, Lynch.”

“In and out,” Ronan repeated. He didn’t seem much of convinced though. If anything, he seemed confused. Joseph couldn’t help him there, he’d explained it to the best of his abilities. Now Lynch just had to follow the rules.

“Like a motherfucking thief.” Pulling out more pills from his pocket, he kept one for himself and offered the other to Ronan. “See you on the other side?”

Joseph’s excitement was barely contained as Ronan accepted the pill, gave it a cursory glance, before popping it into his mouth at the same time as Joseph. Together, they swallowed and together, they hurtled into the land of dreams.

Lynch was nowhere near him when he awakened in the forest but Joseph could sense his presence lurking around in his head. Could dreamers share the same space? Well, they had to, didn’t they? But maybe the space was so large which was why no one ever ran into the other.

Whatever the science behind it all was, there was no time to ponder on it. He could feel the heat of the forest’s hatred starting to do more than a simmer. Ronan had to have fucked up somehow. Grabbing what he’d planned from the beginning because he was going to impress the fuck out of Ronan with it, Joseph stood and glanced around the seething forest. It was angry and yet…it felt…exhilarating. Intoxicating even. All of this made him feel more alive than reality ever did.

“Dying’s a boring side effect,” Joseph said, awakening a thought he’d had in his head for so long. It felt so much more real when spoken aloud. Especially in a place like this.

He thrusted himself awake.


	130. Chapter 130

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy y'alllll
> 
> _“I think I’m broken on the inside. Have been maybe…for a while now.”_

Upon waking up in the racing seat of his Evo, Joseph took just a moment to stretch because these chairs sure as fuck weren’t made for dreaming before glancing over at Lynch. His partner in crime had yet to awaken. It took a few more seconds – admittedly, concerning seconds – before Lynch’s eyes flew open like a startled animal. “Welcome back to the land of the living, sailor,” Joseph said, leaning over Ronan to take him in. “Remember: You take the pill, or it’ll take you.”

Ronan said nothing but then, he was frozen still so how could he? Giving his chest a supportive thump with a nice hard fist, he nodded down at Lynch who was looking as fine as a shining stallion. “You’re all right.” Grabbing a can of beer, he poured some into Lynch’s unprotesting mouth before finishing the rest himself. Alcohol should get him up and at ‘em. “What the hell do you even have there?” he asked, his gaze latching onto some weird…cage? in Ronan’s hand.

With his body regaining feeling, Ronan lifted up his object, presenting a metal cage with a tiny glass Camaro in it. It was kind of cool as a decoration but…no one was ever going to be able to drive that thing. “Dear Dick, drive _this_!”

Surprisingly, Ronan actually laughed this time. It had to be the alcohol but Joseph sure as fuck wasn’t going to complain. Joseph showed Ronan his own prize in the dreaming game. It was a silver pistol, shining bright as fuck, with an engraving on the muzzle. The words DREAM KILLER might be a bit of an overkill but he was here to impress, not be humble.

“You didn’t sneak in, did you?” he asked, accusation in his voice. He’d given him distinct instructions. How hard was it to follow? “Sneak in, sneak out. Get your stuff, get out. Before the place notices.”

“Fucking pill,” Ronan grumbled, his eyes averting to the side.

“It’s a wonder drug,” Joseph assured with a laugh. “My mom loves the hell out of these, man.” No lie there, goddamn. “When she starts breaking shit in the house, I grind one of these for her. Put it in her smoothie. You can make a joke there, man. It’s easy. Go on. I left it wide open for you.”

There was probably no one else in the world except Emilio who’d he’d leave it wide open for.

“What is your place?”

Oh this bitch was such a clueless cute little bitch. He set two more pills on the dash and watched them bounce to the beat of the music for a moment before handing Ronan another drink. “My secret place?” he asked, “You want into my secret place?” There was no stopping the laugh that erupted from his chest. “I knew it.”

Lynch hid his dejection really well. “Fine. Don’t tell me. You put pills in your mom’s drink?”

“Only when she steals my stuff,” he answered. He wasn’t going to go into detail on how it was for the benefit for both him and her. “She wasn’t such a bitch back in Jersey.”

No, they’d actually had a life back in Jersey. Now look at them.

“Is it true you tried to kill your father?” Ronan asked, his unflinching gaze boring holes into Joseph. But Joseph was no coward to these types of gazes, had been on the receiving end of many in his lifetime, and he cowed to no one.

He’d killed his father. Killed one of the biggest baddest mobsters of all time. Put a bullet straight through his brain. He’d done it, he’d regretted it, but he’d sure as fuck done it. It took a lot for a human to kill another but Joseph at the ripe age of fourteen had done it.

And he’d regretted it.

But if it came down to it, he’d do it again.

“I never try to do anything, man,” Joseph replied, “I do what I mean to.”

“Rumor has it that’s why you’re here and not Jersey.”

Oh those sweet sweet rumors. “He tried to kill me,” he said with a smile. Even if Ivo hadn’t meant to put a bullet in him, the beating was plenty. “And he doesn’t always do what he means to. And anyways, I’m harder to kill than that.” Kavinsky and Dobrev blood made him a stubborn old bastard. “You kill your old man?”

It was an irrelevant question because Joseph knew the answer to be to the negative but it took the heat off his life. “No. This killed him.”

Well, if that wasn’t just the most intriguing little thing he’d heard all day. “Like father, like son,” he noted. “You ready to go again?” Ronan nodded so Joseph handed him a pill. At the same moment, they set pills on tongue and poured beer down throat.

And in they went.

And back they came.

Or at least, back came Joseph with his diploma in hand. Lynch was still knocked out beside him. The dude just did not know how to get out fast enough. He got bored of waiting patiently and set his framed paper to the side as he set up a line on the dash. The day had quickly become night, twilight setting upon them. “And yet,” he muttered darkly with his straw in hand, poised and ready, “it’s still hot and nasty as fuck.”

He more felt than saw Lynch awaken as he snorted up his line. Joseph took a second to let his high set in before turning to look at his guest beside him. His guest beside him who was apparently holding a bomb.

Lovely.

Leave it to Lynch to dream up a _lit_ Molotov. Ronan Lynch who always woke up paralyzed. Really, Joseph should just let him blow up. Then they’d blow up together.

What a thought.

Joseph let out a wild laugh at his thought, reaching over Lynch and snagging the bomb for himself after opening his window. He hurled it out the window and good thing he did because it only made it a few feet before exploding into billions of shards. It was a bit like the Evo and Volvo.

Poetic.

Shaking glass shards off himself as he hung out the window, Joseph gazed out at the clearing, lost in thought. “Hey,” Ronan said, cutting into Joseph’s blank thoughts, “don’t touch my stuff.”

Yup, totally should’ve let him blow. Turning to face him, Joseph raised his brows. This fool. “Check it,” Joseph said as he pulled up his diploma in all its glory. Everything was rendered perfectly. Not one flaw existed. He wasn’t sure but it sure looked like Ronan might be impressed.

Ha.

“You’re too emotional, Lynch,” Joseph said as he tossed the diploma in the backseat without a care. “It’s okay. I get it. If you had balls, it’d be different.” A flash of irritation lit Ronan’s face. It was a good joke; the bastard should’ve laughed. Tapping his temple, he explained “This is a Walmart. Just go to electronics, swipe some TVs, get out of there. Don’t wallow around in there.” He gestured to the remnants of his last line, “This would help.” Ronan shook his head. “Suit yourself. Ready to go?”

Time became irrelevant after that point. They dreamt and dreamt and dreamt and time moved forward and forward and forward. Twilight became night and night became midnight. They dreamt and dreamt, and the car filled with things of all kinds. Gadgets of impossible qualities, plants that were too dangerous to exist, stones that sang with beautiful quality. Dream after dream, the car filled and filled. When the night gave way to the sun once more, they still dreamed object after object, their minds and reality blurring more and more. Once noon was finished scorching the earth, they moved outside and stripped their sticky shirts filled with sweat, finding dreams outside instead. Dreams and objects that could be contained by no car.

Somehow, it was morning again. Time was running through like a river flowing. Dew or maybe rain marked the clearing and the cars around them. This didn’t stop them of course. They dreamt more and more, finding no reason to stop while they were on such a roll.

Joseph picked up Ronan’s newest creation: a chainsaw. He had to admit, he’d always wanted to play with one of these. Strolling over to one of the Mitsus with saw in hand as Ronan watched from his spot against the fender of another, Joseph turned it on and let it rip. More like shred. It tore through the tires like they were nothing.

Nice.

Satisfied and bored, he set the saw down and went back to Ronan who was eating Twizzlers. Joseph didn’t even know where they’d come from but he didn’t care. He had Lynch. Accepting one and munching on it under Ronan’s scrutinous gaze, Joseph gnawed on the licorice while wondering if he should do another line. “Well?” Ronan asked.

He blinked blankly at the other boy before shrugging easily. “Now you dream the Camaro.”

Apprehension set on Ronan’s shoulders but he nodded regardless. “Simple.”

“Good boy,” Joseph said, giving Ronan a few pats on the arm. “There’s that confidence. Go get it, bitch.”

This time, Joseph didn’t bother dreaming himself. His dreams were irrelevant right now. This was Ronan’s moment. Ronan’s moment to recreate the Camaro and to be grateful for the help. Ronan’s moment to realize that he’d want and _need_ Joseph.

Because where would he be without him right now?

Minutes passed, Joseph standing over Ronan’s sleeping slumped form, before Ronan’s eyes flashed open, sightless but open. Beside them, a Camaro spawned. It was weird actually watching the dreaming process. Boom! Car!

Weird.

Thumbs hooked in the pockets of his jeans, Joseph walked over to the car, leaving Ronan to his own paralyzed devices. Not bad at all. He ran his hand along the roof and opened the door, popping the hood. Joseph had learned from extensive experience that certain things weren’t always as they seemed. Rounding the front and opening the hood, he shook his head in disappointment. This foolish foolish fucker. “I thought you said you fucking knew this car, man.”

Color drained from Ronan’s face as he rushed over and came to a stop beside Joseph. The despair was evident in his voice. “I didn’t think of it. The engine.”

Jesus Christ. Lord almighty above, give him some damn patience. He was never meant to be a teacher; he didn’t have the patience for it. He punched the side of Ronan’s head. “Think? There’s no thinking, fool!” he snapped in annoyance. Why couldn’t he just _learn_. Goddamn him. “We’re not professors. Kill your brain.” Glancing back down at the empty compartment that showed off a field of grass, he snorted “I guess Dick can use this as a planter. Put his petunias and shit in here.”

Irritation drew in Ronan’s strong brows as he slammed the hood shut, almost catching Joseph’s fingers in the process. Climbing on, he jutted out one leg and left the other drawn up, tapping his fingers against his knee. Even that slight tapping conveyed the warning of ‘I’ll fuck you up so bad, your mama won’t recognize you.’

“Hey, man, I’m sure he’ll like this one,” Joseph said in a sorry and slightly sarcastic attempt to make Ronan feel better about his shitty car. “And if he doesn’t, fuck him.”

His words earned him a nasty glare. “This,” he snorted as he pressed his hands flat against the brightly colored hood, “is a very shitty goldfish.”

No shit, sherlock. “Whose fault is that?”

“Yours.”

Aw, this bitch did not just accuse _him_ of fucking it up. Fuck him. “ _Yours,_ ” Joseph mocked in a vicious voice. It was not his fucking fault Lynch couldn’t follow simple instructions. He gestured out at the huge clearing filled with failure after failure. He’d worked fucking _hard_ to get to where he was. “You see all these losers? It took me months to get it right.” He pointed to the sad Evo that was resting on a single axle, right in the middle. “Look at that bitch!”

Ronan took a glance at that bitch.

“I get it wrong, try it again, wait for my dream place to get its juice back, do it again, get it wrong, do it again.” It was one simple fucking process.

“What do you mean, get your juice back?”

He was dying to groan in frustration. “The dream place runs out,” Joseph explained even though this was something Ronan should know by now. “Walmart can’t keep making TVs all night long! It’s getting low now. Can’t you feel it?”

Mr. Amateur seemed like he was feeling around before he said “I don’t have time to practice. I need it now or I can’t go back.”

Why didn’t he see Joseph as a viable option? What was so impressive about Dick fucking Gansey? “You don’t have to back.”

Lynch didn’t even bother to acknowledge Joseph’s words and…it stung. “I’m doing it again. I’m doing it right this time.”

If he got the Camaro right, he’d be grateful then, wouldn’t he? “Hell yeah, you are.” He grabbed another pack of beer and joined Ronan on the hood of the most energy efficient car to exist. They drank in silence, the only noise penetrating through being insects and birds. Ronan would want him after he realized how much Joseph had helped him. Without a doubt. Then he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore and he’d have someone who finally understood what it was like to be like him.

Pulling out a handful of green pills, he poured them into Ronan’s hand. Goodies for the road. If Ronan was going to successfully take out that car, he’d need a little more potency than just a green pill. He took out one of his red pills that screamed danger. “Bonus round. Open.”

Shockingly, Ronan did in fact open. Joseph set the pill on his tongue and Ronan swallowed. “What’s this one do?”

Oh, it gave you the trip of a lifetime. “Dying’s a boring side effect.”

The effects must’ve been kicking in because it was like Ronan was liquifying as he lowered himself onto his chest and rested his cheek against the orange hood. His eyes slid shut a second later. And there, before Joseph’s eyes, was the entirety of the most…confounding yet beautiful tattoo he’d ever seen. It was a controlled chaos of shrubs, birds, thorns, Celtic symbols, and vines. The tattoo was as glorious as its owner. Joseph couldn’t help himself as he leaned over and very softly slid his finger on Ronan’s back, tracing the vines. He followed them from shoulder to shoulder and then down his spine.

It was wrong and horridly disgusting to touch a boy this way and yet Joseph had never felt more alive. His skin heated and electrified with every inch of skin he touched. “Glorious,” he whispered. “Gloriously beautifully dangerous.”

Which made Lynch perfection.

Reluctantly, he pulled his hand away. He couldn’t just feel up a guy when he was more or less facing the stages of death. With a dejected sigh, Joseph moved away, farther up the hood, and set up a line on the roof. If Lynch didn’t manage it this time, he was just going to have to wait a couple days because there was no fucking way he’d be able to try again. They’d taxed the magic to its breaking point; Joseph could feel it. The forest was as exhausted as they were.

Focused on snorting his line, it took him a moment to realize that the rumbling noise that had suddenly started was…

Oh fuck.

There was Lynch, sitting triumphantly in a beautifully created Camaro that sounded as real as ever. Joseph didn’t have to question whether or not the engine was there because just from the noise and the rumble, he could tell that it’d come out like it should have. Joseph grinned like a madman. The fucker had actually done it. He had to say, he was kind of proud. And ecstatic because now, _now_ , he’d get the thanks he was looking for. The acknowledgement he’d always wished for. The boy who’d understand him more than anyone ever could.

Joseph would get his dreamer. His plan had played out so perfectly that nothing could fuck it up now.

Ronan rolled down the driver’s window. Joseph waited for the thanks or just the general excitement and relief.

That wasn’t at all what he received.

“I’m going.”


	131. Chapter 130

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoyyyyy
> 
> _"You’re Joseph fucking Kavinsky, man, and that makes you special and you.”_

_I’m going._

I’m going? No, that didn’t sound right. That wasn’t a thank you in any of its forms nor was it a simple expression of joy at his success.

Going? Where the fuck did he think he was going? He didn’t mean…no…he couldn’t. Joseph had _helped_ him. Taught him. Given him days of his time to fix his damn mistake and…he was going? That couldn’t be right. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all. Going? There was no _going_. “You’re shitting me.”

Lynch didn’t look at all like he was joking one bit. That realization did more to Joseph than any physical wound could’ve ever done. Going? “I’ll send flowers,” he said as he revved the engine.

Flowers? Going? What? To what, Gansey? Fucking Dick Gansey? “Running back to your master?”

“This was fun,” Ronan replied without a care in the world. And why would he have any? He’d gotten what he’d wanted. He’d _used_ Joseph and chewed him up and spat him the fuck out. Just like that. “Time for big-boy games now, though.”

He was leaving him. Lynch was seriously leaving him for Gansey. “You’re a player in his life, Lynch.” He refused to let the desperation slip through his voice or the tightness of his throat impede his words. “You don’t fucking _need_ him.”

_You need me_

_I need you_

Ronan released the parking brake.

No, no, no, no, no. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Ronan was supposed to be thanking him for all his help, feel gratitude towards him, and want him. _Need_ him.

But instead he was leaving him for Gansey. He’d used him for Gansey.

Used him just like everyone else.

Joseph threw up a hand, looking to hit something but there was nothing besides for the damn air around him. “You are _shitting me_.”

_Tell me this is a sick joke_

April fools!

_Please_

“I never lie,” Ronan said, full of conviction before he frowned like something wasn’t sitting right. And yeah, something wasn’t fucking sitting right. This whole fucking scenario. “Wait. You thought – it was never going to be you and me.”

Never.

_Never_

“Is that what you thought?”

Is that what he thought? Yes, god fucking dammit, it was what he thought. That was the whole reason he’d been luring Lynch, helping him. This was what he got? Used like the filth he was? For Gansey? For fucking Gansey he was used like the disgusting thing that he was? So what, Lynch had planned to use him the whole time? Had that been the plan? “There’s only with me or against me.”

He received a look that made him feel like the biggest fucking idiot in the world like ‘why would you even think that I was with you?’ Joseph had been used. Brutally fucked. If he was no good for a fellow dreamer, a dreamer who was a damn _amateur_ to him…than who the fuck was he good for?

There was no left.

“It was never going to be you and me,” Ronan replied.

 _Never_.

“I will burn you down,” Kavinsky said, his heart burning so hot that he was sure that his chest was going to implode on itself any second now. Oh, he’d fucking burn this piece of _fucking shit_ down so bad. So so bad.

“You wish.”

Wish? Wish wasn’t a part of it. No, he knew. He was going to ruin Lynch, scar him the way he’d scarred Joseph after ripping him open. Wishing had no part in this. Never? Fuck never. He was going to run back to Dick? Okay, fine. It’d be the biggest mistake of his life. Joseph would make sure of it.

Making a gun out of finger and thumb, he held it up to Ronan’s temple. Never? Never. Okay. Never. “Bang,” he said softly, his fury sitting just beneath his calm demeanor. He withdrew his finger gun, “See you on the streets.”

Never? Oh, he’d show him never.

Joseph wasn’t going to stand for being fucked anymore.

Ronan smirked a nasty evil smirk that Joseph wanted nothing more than to smack it off his face before he sped off, a dust storm left behind in the Camaro’s wake.

He was gone.

Lynch had had the fucking nerve to _leave_. Just like that. Poof. All their time together had been nothing but a trick of the eye.

Gone.

“You know what?” he called in wake of the Camaro even though it was long gone. “You know what, Lynch? Fuck you! Fuck you and the goddamn horse you came riding in on! FUCK! YOU!”

He spun in place, looking for something to hit or throw but there was still nothing. It was still the same clearing filled with the same shit. And he was still the same Joseph.

Everything was the same and yet everything had changed in the matter of a moment.

One fucking moment.

His hands itched to hit something and even though he was in a lot filled with unimaginable shit, there wasn’t one thing he could smash. Joseph stood there, a lone figure surrounded by everything and nothing all at once, not sure on what to do. This hadn’t gone the way it was supposed to. He’d thrown all his eggs into one basket, expecting fruition, and instead had lost everything.

And he just didn’t know what to do. Joseph was at a complete loss.

Time passed. It could’ve been minutes, hours, seconds, days, who knew? Joseph didn’t. He didn’t bother paying attention to anything beyond the failure pitting deep in his heart. It wasn’t just pitting itself, no, because failure was much more cruel than that. Cruel and painful. It dug and dug and dug, it scratched and clawed and ripped. It wove itself so deep into a soul, into a heart, that there was no removing it without serious damage.

Joseph was damaged. Had been for a long time. Connecting with another dreamer, sharing with another, was supposed to help put band aids on those tears. Help cover the damage and to maybe one day heal. It had felt _so_ good as they’d laughed and dreamed and shared.

All it had been was one big fucking lie.

If his fellow dreamer who was the one person who could _ever_ possibly understand what Joseph spent his life going through didn’t want him…what was left?

He didn’t know because he had no answer for that. Joseph didn’t think that he ever would either.

Somewhere far off, a phone rang. It rang and it rang and it rang. Somewhere far off, a Camaro bumped a Suburban, leading to jovial greetings. Somewhere far off, a girl dreamed of a boy that she could never have while the one she could was trying to find himself. Somewhere far off, a man in grey thought about how much braver he’d have to be.

But these were all far off. Right here, there was just a lonely broken boy standing in a clearing filled with everything and anything anyone could ever want. And yet nothing here was anything he’d ever wanted.

“Never…never…” Joseph whispered in disbelief, shaking his head as he did. Why never? Hadn’t he helped him? Hadn’t he saved his life? Why never?

Why was he never good enough for anyone? What was wrong with him?

He was too defeated to bother with anger anymore. Every drop he’d had in him oozed into nothing as he trudged back over to his car. It was a bad idea because the minute he opened it, all the memories of them dreaming together, of the fun they’d had, showed itself in the form of objects. They’d had fun, hadn’t they? Joseph had thought so. The car was filled with proof.

So why wasn’t he good enough?

_Never_

“Fuck you,” he said so soft that even the wind couldn’t carry it. There was no vigor left in him. He just felt utterly defeated. Beaten down into a mushy pulp that’d never be able to be mushed together again. “Just…fuck you.”

Taking a moment to shove all the dream shit out of the car, Joseph got in and slammed his door shut. He didn’t want those memories in here. Further proof that he was nothing unless someone wanted something from him. They _always_ wanted something. No one ever just wanted Joseph the way he was. And after the only person in the world who could possibly understand him chewed him up and spit him out…Joseph didn’t think anyone ever would. He was just so…done. Tired. He was sure that he was sad, or at least that was what the tightness in his chest usually meant, but for some reason, his emotions weren’t working properly. He knew he wanted to cry and yet nothing was dripping.

Joseph was broken.

A ringing shrilled loud and clear, no longer as far off as it had been. Joseph paid it no mind as he kept his head rested against the steering wheel, wondering why his eyes were broken. He was supposed to be crying because he knew that he wanted to, but it just wasn’t working. Just like the rest of him. The thing rang more and more. It rang so many times that it just became background noise to his beating heart.

_It was never going to be you and me_

Why. What was so wrong with him.

There was more ringing and more and more that Joseph finally turned his head to the side to investigate. With reluctant movements, he picked up his phone from the cupholder and stared blankly at the name. He stared until it disappeared before it came up once more, announcing its arrival with more rings. Joseph opened the line on the very last ring and whispered “I think I’m broken.”

If he was himself, he’d realize that the silence that met him was filled with fear. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m broken.”

“Broken?” Swan replied, his voice shaking though Joseph didn’t know why. “Like your body? Are you hurt, Joseph?”

Joseph thought that he was but he didn’t know anymore. When he was hurting, he cried but like the rest of him, his tear ducts were broken. “I think I’m broken on the inside. Have been maybe…for a while now.”

“Are you home? Where are you?”

“In my car.”

“Okay, where is your car?”

He shut his eyes as he remained against the wheel. “I’m so tired.”

“Joseph, man, tell me where you are so I can come to you.” That was silly. Why would Swan want to come to him? “Joseph. Come on now, where are you? I want to see you.”

“So you can laugh at me? Point your finger and mock me?”

“I want you to drive home, okay? Just do that for me.” Why would he? If he was going home, it was because he wanted to head home. “Joseph,” Swan repeated in a firm voice, “Go home.”

What possessed him to listen, he didn’t know but he turned on the car, backed out of the clearing, and drove towards home. He didn’t speak once and neither did his phone companion to the point where Joseph had completely forgotten that he was even on the phone with him until he reached his driveway and saw a little Golf waiting. Swan got out his car, a hulking figure to such a small vehicle, his phone still pressed to his ear. “Shut it off and come here.”

Joseph did as he was told.

Coming to a halt in front of Swan, Joseph said nothing and did nothing as he waited for some direction. He didn’t want to speak anymore, he didn’t want to think, or move, or anything of the sort. He’d given it his all, done everything he possibly could, and he hadn’t been good enough for the one person that mattered. So now he was done.

He just didn’t care anymore.

“Hey,” Swan said softly though Joseph paid the actual words no mind, keeping his gaze to the floor. “You’re looking a little worse for wear.”

That was because he was ruined.

Ever so carefully, hands cupped his face but didn’t force him to lift his gaze. “You wanna go inside?”

Want to? Joseph didn’t know what wants were anymore.

When he said nothing, Swan made a small noise that might have been him in distress. Maybe, maybe not. Joseph didn’t know anything anymore. One of the hands rubbed below his ear soothingly, a touch he didn’t know he even craved. “Let’s go inside and maybe you can get some sleep. That’ll be good for you.”

Joseph didn’t like sleep.

“I think I’m broken,” he whispered, still not finding the tears that he knew were supposed to match his pain. “Nothing’s working right.” He found himself in a tight embrace, his face to a broad shoulder and a hand cupping his head. Joseph was sure that he liked this and even felt like there was something trying to bloom in his chest to remind him of that but he couldn’t seem to find it. “Broken.”

Swan said nothing and instead dragged himself and Joseph towards the front door and took them in. There were happy barks but Joseph paid them no mind and instead kept his focus on the shoulder he was using as a pillow. He paid so much attention to only that shoulder that everything that happened afterwards was lost in the fog of his mind. One moment, he was downstairs, ignoring his dog, and the next, he was waking up in his bed, his eyes heavy from sleep.

Joseph stared up at his ceiling as he lay in bed, his body as tired as his mind which throbbed like it was twice its size and being held in a cage for a centipede. Rubbing his face harshly, he inhaled a deep long breath before slowly letting it out.

_Never_

“How you feeling?”

He dropped his head down onto his pillow, staring at his apparent guest sitting in his bean bag. “I’m tired.” Swan nodded a very thoughtful nod as he marked the page he was on in the book that he was reading before setting it to the side. “Why are you here?”

“I was worried about you.”

He snorted the loudest snort in the history of snorts as he turned back to looking back up at the ceiling. “You shouldn’t. It’ll do you no good.”

“What happened today? Yesterday? This entire weekend that you seemed to be so busy with?”

“It doesn’t matter because it was never going to happen. _Never_.”

“Is this about Lynch?”

 _Lynch_. Ronan fucking Lynch. Even just the name left a nasty taste on his tongue. That fucking bastard had some god fucking nerve to just…

How could he so easily say _never_?

“I think I want you to leave.”

“Jo-”

“I want you to leave,” he repeated in a much stronger voice. Lynch had the nerve to say never? Maybe he just didn’t realize how much of a viable option Joseph really was. Never? Oh please.

Never his fucking ass.

“Leave,” Joseph said again as he grabbed his phone. He just needed to give Lynch a few more pushes. Maybe a shove. He’d been lost in the heat of the moment in ruining Gansey’s car but now that everything was fine, he’d come to his senses.

He would. He would. Joseph wouldn’t be alone. Lynch would come to his senses. No problem.

_your mom calls me after we spend the day together_

Mom humor was always a winner.

_ask me what my first dream was_

Maybe they had to build bridges of trust? This was a good way to do it, wasn’t it? Tell things about themselves to each other? Joseph could build bridges. He could fix what had been ruined.

He could, he could, he could.

When neither of those texts earned him replies, he decided to delve a little deeper into himself. His mistake in the beginning had been not being entirely truthful. He hadn’t really thrown everything in. Now he would. Now he would and it’d work and everything would be perfect.

_my favorite forgery is Prokopenko_

“Why…” he muttered under his breath. “Why can’t you just answer.”

“Yo, man, just-”

“Shut it,” Joseph warned, not even bothering to give a simmering glare in Swan’s direction. It was evident in his voice; he didn’t need his eyes to do it too. “Just fucking shut it. You don’t understand anything so stop acting like you do or that you even can.”

“Well maybe I would if you’d just give me a chance!” Swan snapped, abruptly leaping to his feet in an action that completely surprised Joseph. “Maybe I would if you’d give me half the fucking time you gave to Lynch!”

He had no time for hissy fits right now.

_I’m going to eat you alive man_

“Are you even listening?”

“Nope,” Joseph replied as he tossed his phone to the side and sat up. Gifts. People liked to receive gifts and while Lynch was a bit of an oddball, everyone liked gifts. Joseph would give him something. That’d be good, wouldn’t it? “Now fuck off.”

Swan’s eyes blazed as he shook his head in disbelief though Joseph wasn’t so sure what he was being all disbelieving about. “Oh I’m fucking off. Sometimes, I swear, I should listen to Jiang more often. I really should.”

Normally, Joseph would’ve been right on that, needing to know what exactly Jiang had been saying but he already had a plan formulating in his head that needed his full attention. Lynch had always loved the Evo so…


	132. Chapter 131

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Which Snapshot would y'all like to get first?  
> Jiang and his bae being cute  
> Joseph taking tiny Walnut to the dog park  
> smol Joseph cuteness
> 
> Lemme know and enjoy
> 
> _“I’m a hella cheesy fucker, man.”_

Joseph paced and paced. He started from his bathroom and ended at the opposite wall and back again. He paced and paced because he expected something, _anything_ , from Lynch, had been for hours and yet he was receiving nothing. Nothing at all. Not even just basic acknowledgement of the fact that Joseph had left him an entire fucking _car._

Un-fucking-believable.

Even if he didn’t want the damn car, even if he was pissed, why didn’t he just say that he was? How hard was a simple text? Not one of his texts had been answered and Joseph was beginning to end up back where he began.

Nowhere.

Massaging his temples, Joseph yanked out his phone from his pocket for what was probably the millionth time within the past two minutes, checking for anything from Lynch.

There was of course nothing.

Story of his life.

The story of his life was that he was utterly worthless and nothing ever worked out the way it should. The story of his life meant pain and suffering for eternity.

Joseph paused in his pacing. Why eternity? Who got to decide that he had to suffer? He was already ruined, broken like a mirror into millions of pieces. So what was the point anymore? Who the fuck got to tell him that he had to suffer for the rest of his life?

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” he whispered in defeat, plopping himself down onto the floor. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”

Everyone had abandoned him. He was good for no one. His mother got high to be able to put up with him, his father was dead and decomposing, his family didn’t want him, he had no friends, and the one dreamer he’d found thought that he was worthless. Just an object to be used and abused and then thrown away.

People didn’t want him; hell, they didn’t even _like_ him. Even the people who wanted to be close to Kavinsky didn’t actually want him. They just wanted everything he had or everything that he represented.

He was nothing. Plain and simple.

“Maybe Lynch is just busy,” he muttered into his hands even though he knew it wasn’t true. Joseph was just making excuses now. Here was sitting on his floor and whining about a boy like a bitch when he was supposed to be planning the biggest party of the year. The biggest damn party of the year that was tomorrow night, for fuck’s sake. Sure, Joseph had spent the night stocking up on fireworks but he needed something…monumental to top all his other parties.

He wasn’t exactly sure what that was yet.

Picking his phone off the floor even though he knew he was being pathetic, he opened the thread with Lynch and typed a simple word that was sure to get him a reaction.

_ballsack_

He waited impatiently as he ate at his nails and Skov texted him to come over.

_shitstack_

Joseph’s heart leapt to his throat in fevered excitement.

_coming to 4 th of July?_

His question was completely ignored as Lynch asked _would you stop if you knew it was destroying the world?_

Destroying the world? If his powers had the power to destroy the world, Joseph would be the happiest man on Earth who could rid himself of a reality that had never been good to him.

_god that would be awesome_

Skov texted once more, wanting to plan for tomorrow. Joseph waited for more words from Lynch but nothing was forthcoming. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Maybe Lynch was just a little busy at the moment and couldn’t reply? Yeah, that’d make sense right?

Yeah, totally.

He called Skov. “Be there in a few,” he muttered, hoping that his low voice would be enough to hide how much of a mess he really was. Dragging himself up to his feet and to his bathroom, he washed up to try and get himself moving after he set the phone on speaker.

“Hey, so…Swan’s pretty upset about something. You guys cool?”

What did Swan have to be upset about? “He’s a sensitive bitch. You know how he is.” Although what exactly Swan was being sensitive about, Joseph wasn’t sure. “I’ll be there soon.”

He hung up and got himself ready before going to check on his mother. “Morning,” Joseph said, with far less cheer than he usually aimed for, as he walked into her room. This morning found her sitting crossed-legged in bed looking at what looked to be…pictures? “What’re you up to?”

“Trying to find where life went wrong.”

Brutal thing for such a sunshine filled morning. “Yeah?” he asked, sitting down beside her and Walnut. The current picture she seemed to be searching for answers in was one of her wedding day. “What’d you find?”

“That the problem is either your bashtá or you.”

Sounded about right. He couldn’t even say that the words hurt because Joseph knew that him being born was one big fat mistake that shouldn’t have happened. “Which are you settling on?”

His mother picked up a picture of Joseph as an infant and cocked her head to the side. “I don’t know yet…maybe both?”

Yeah, that assessment was a very good one. “High chance.” He kissed her head before getting up and walking out, calling behind himself “I’m going out. Maybe you’ll find your answer soon.”

Skov opened the room to his dorm a second before Joseph even knocked. “I heard your radio,” Skov laughed cheekily. “Come in, come in.”

The minute he walked in, he knew that he needed to go yell at Swan for his stupid sensitivity levels. “Is he seriously not here?”

Jiang looked up from the game he was playing on his phone. He was obsessed with world building shit. “I don’t blame him.”

Well wasn’t someone just an assuming asshole today? What didn’t he blame though? Joseph seriously had no recollection of what Swan could possibly be upset about. “Fuck you.”

“I’ve told you a billion times that you’re not my type. But hey, I know someone who would _love_ to get a round at your ass-”

“ _Jiang,_ ” Skov hissed in warning. “Seriously right now?”

“What? I do. It’s not like it’s a lie.”

Joseph didn’t even bother wasting his time on Jiang as he walked right back the way he came and out the door. Skov’s distressed calls sounded behind him but Joseph just wasn’t in the mood. Might as well see what the fuck Swan’s problem was anyways, right?

“Hey, John,” Joseph said once the door he knocked on opened. “Fuck off for a few, yeah?”

The smaller boy’s eyes went wide with worry but he nodded quickly as he dashed out of the room he and Swan shared. Joseph walked in and shut and locked the door, coming to a stop beside John’s desk to glare at Swan from a distance. The boy in question was sitting in his desk chair, his back to Joseph. “What the fuck is your problem?”

There was a huff like Swan just couldn’t believe what he’d heard before spinning around and glaring right back at Joseph. “Leave me alone, alright?”

“What’s. Wrong.”

Swan shook his head and laughed a dry laugh that answered nothing. “Everything. How ‘bout that? Every. Fucking. Thing.”

That could hardly be disputed, just like his mother’s assessment this morning. “If you’re just going to pout, then I’m out of he-”

“Why is Lynch the only person who matters? Why is he the only one who _ever_ captures your attention?”

“You wouldn’t under-”

“Then make me!” Swan snapped, getting to his feet and striding over. His muscles were taunt but not like they were ready for a fight, Joseph realized, but more like…they were preparing to be hurt. To stop themselves from being hurt. “Make me understand why this guy who treats you like shit is worth your time of day. Because that’s what he does, Joseph, he treats you-”

“I know,” Joseph couldn’t help but hiss because, Lord, was he aware of that.

_It was never going to be you and me_

_I’m going_

_Never_

The boy before him looked confused and hurt and so utterly lost that Joseph almost felt bad for him. “Then,” he said softly, “why, man? You deserve so much better than that.”

Deserve. What _did_ Joseph deserve? According to life…nothing and everything. He deserved none of the good but every single ounce of the bad. He deserved better than that? Joseph wasn’t too sure about that. When you were dirty and disgusting, there wasn’t anything you deserved of the good. “Think so?”

“I know so, alright?” Joseph crossed his arms and laughed, looking off to the side instead of at Swan. “Dammit, Joseph, I _do_. You deserve a guy who’s going to take care of you the way you need it and love you and just…everything.”

“People like me don’t get everything.”

“And if I told you otherwise?”

Joseph laughed again as he shook his head, dropping his head down to stare at the floor. “I’d tell you how stupid you are,” he whispered. “Because if you actually knew what I’m like, who I am, _what_ I am…you’d think otherwise.”

“Try me.” Joseph snorted in response and shook his head as he took in the most interesting carpet fibers in the world. Warm hands cupped his shoulders while circles were rubbed in with thumbs. “Try me, Joseph. What’re you like? I think you’re a funny smartass who could give Skov’s brain a run for his money and a walking encyclopedia on animals and cars and random facts who loves to read.”

Was that what he was like? It might’ve been. Once. Back when life wasn’t so hard or heavy. Back when things were simple and he had a father and a mother. But now? Now Joseph sat and cried when he couldn’t remember how much horsepower a classic Mustang had or what Gandalf’s original name was.

“Who are you? You’re this nerdy Bulgarian guy from Jersey who loves his heritage, his trashy state,” Joseph felt like he wanted to laugh but much like the tears yesterday, his functions weren’t working as they were supposed to, “and his family. His mother, especially. You’re Joseph fucking Kavinsky, man, and that makes you special and _you_.”

“Being Joseph fucking Kavinsky isn’t a good thing,” he said softly, still counting fibers. “It’s never been a good thing.”

“I think it’s a wonderful thing,” Swan whispered, one hand finding his hair and petting him while the other remained on his shoulder.

“You wouldn’t say that if you actually _knew_ me.”

He wasn’t sure when it’d happened in the last couple seconds but he found himself wrapped in Swan’s arms, his face pressed against a firm shoulder.  Somewhere inside, Joseph knew that he liked the hug but he couldn’t seem to find the emotion and attach it to his brain to make it work. “That a challenge? You know me and challenges. I take ‘em all.”

Joseph knew he was supposed to laugh but he couldn’t plug in the correct synapses.

“I want to know you,” Swan murmured, trying again though Joseph just didn’t understand why. The hand running through his hair had a memory of soothing attached to it but Joseph couldn’t remember it. “Come on, Joseph, come on. Give me something.”

“I’m a horrible human being,” he stated simply. There was no emotion to it – not that he was sure he could find them anymore – because he was just stating a basic fact. “And I’m tainted.”

The words made Swan clutched him closer. Any other day, any other time, and Joseph would react.

But this wasn’t any other day and it wasn’t any other time.

“We’re all a bit flawed, man, we all are. And you’re not tainted. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m pretty sure killing two people is more than a flaw,” he murmured as he rested his head on Swan’s shoulder and shut his eyes. “Covering it all up probably makes it even worse too.”

Not once did the hands falter in their movements. It surprised him but he said nothing of it. “How about you let me decide on that?”

“And I’m a freak too.”

Swan chuckled like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. It wasn’t or Joseph just wasn’t getting the joke. But he wasn’t getting much of anything anymore so… “So a murderer and a freak? Damn, I’m always good at picking the interesting ones, aren’t I?”

Picking?

“I’m a freak too. Dude, I think everyone has some sort of definition of freak in them. People aren’t fucking cookie cutters. Everyone is unique.”

“My type of unique isn’t a good one.”

There was a soft little sigh, the warm breath running over the back of his head. “I’ll take you however you are, Joseph. Why’s that so hard to understand?”

Take him however he was? What was that even supposed to mean? Take him. It was as confounding as Lynch’s ‘I’m going’ had been at the moment it’d been said. Take him? Where exactly? And who would want to take him anywhere anyways?

A thumb traced the shell of his ear as the arm around his waist secured itself like it was bracing for impact. “Look,” Swan said softly, his voice so filled with emotions that processing it would’ve taken hours, “Joseph…I’ve…ah fuck, this is always so hard.”

“Harder than a dick on Christmas Eve?”

“What’s that even mean?” Swan laughed, the vibrations flowing from his chest to Joseph’s. “Why Christmas Eve?”

“Dunno, kinda rhymed. Seemed like an appropriate time to make a joke. Sorry it fell.”

“No, don’t be sorry,” Swan said, squeezing Joseph tight and tilting his head against his before letting out a ragged sigh and breaking their hug. Keeping his hands on Joseph’s shoulders, Swan looked him straight in the eyes. “I’ve got a crush you. There. I said. I’m man enough to do it.”

Joseph blinked in confusion at the boy before him. That didn’t sound right. Out of all the people in the world, Joseph was the very _last_ Swan would ever fall for. He wasn’t stupid.

The joke stung, to be honest.

“Why do you have joke like that?” Joseph asked, sure that he was trying to snap out his words in his anger but his brain just wasn’t sending the right signals to his mouth. It came out more distressed than angry. “That’s not funny-”

“It’s not a joke, Joseph. I seriously have a crush on you. Have for…I don’t know…a few months maybe?” He must’ve been able to understand the disbelief written all over Joseph’s face because he continued “True, you’re not my usual type but everything else about you is. And I know you’re not comfortable with your sexuality and all but we can wor-”

“We.”

Swan shrugged as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his joggers. Green, they were green. “Yeah. We. You and me.”

He couldn’t hold in the laughter that burst from his mouth. It startled him, this laughter, because apparently it took being mocked for his emotions to get into gear. It startled him more, this laughter, when it turned to hysterics and tears ran down his cheeks, quicker than any waterfall, as he slid down to his knees, covered his face, and let out what had been stored since yesterday.

Maybe…what had been stored from far longer than just yesterday.


	133. Chapter 132

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hola  
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Why do you have to go?_

He’d known from the beginning that he was posing himself one hell of a challenge in just falling for Joseph. He’d known that confessing was going to be difficult as hell.

What Finlay hadn’t seen coming was watching the boy he figured himself in love with break.

It hurt having Joseph laugh in his face after confessing truer feelings that he’d never felt before as if he was some big stupid fool. But it hurt a lot more watching him cry on the floor. Watching this boy who’d only ever shown himself strong, who’d broken and made his own way when things tried to go another, and was stubborn down to his last drop of annoying Jersey blood no matter what.

Watching someone break was hard. Watching someone you cared for was even harder. But watching those two things combined with watching one of the strongest people break was a thousand times worse. “Hey,” Finlay whispered softly as he got to his own knees in front of the sobbing boy. He wrapped his arms around him and dragged him in close. “Hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

“Nothing is ever okay,” Joseph cried miserably, pressing his face into Finlay’s chest but keeping it covered with his hands. “ _Ever_.”

“Well…” Finlay said, trying to find the right words for a situation like this one. Really, he’d never actually been in a situation like this one so he wasn’t versed in the ways of proper handling. “Well,” he repeated as he rubbed circles on Joseph’s back, “maybe…I can help make things okay.” There was this weird noise that Finlay was sure was supposed to be something sarcastic. “Maybe I can. You won’t know unless you let me try.”

“Oh yeah?” Joseph laughed behind his hands. “And how exactly can you make things okay? Can you bring back my dad? Proko? Tell Emilio how sorry I am for everything? Go back and make me not go to that stupid sleepover? Take back what Jordan did? Nothing was ever okay and it’ll never be okay because you can’t change a thing.”

There was so much to unload in that. Finlay didn’t even know where to start. Joseph had always hinted shit about his dad but Finlay knew that the man was alive. And what about this shit with Prokopenko? He’d mentioned a bullet but…very obviously…Prokopenko was a building away. He was…different, yeah, but dead? Prokopenko sure didn’t look dead.

“I’m just a worthless dirty piece of shit that everyone uses and abuses and then leaves behind. Always. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me-”

“Nothing is fucking wrong with you,” Finlay said in a firm voice. Okay, so…the guy was an asshole more often than not but there was nothing wrong in the way that he was thinking. “Shit, dude, I just told you that I’m in love with you. If there was something wrong with you, do you think I would?”

Joseph was shaking his head against Finlay’s chest. “Please stop lying to me, Finlay. _Please_.”

He’d been both Finlay’d and begged and his heart was ready to burst. Finlay wanted to beat every person who’d ever said that this boy in his arms didn’t have feelings. Brushing back a stray hair behind Joseph’s ear, Finlay asked softly “I want to kiss your head, is that okay?” Boundaries surrounded this boy like no other and there was no way Finlay was going to cross them without permission.

A deep shuddering breath wracked Joseph’s frail frame. “I haven’t showered in like four days.”

“That’s okay.” What was a bit of extra hair oil? Maybe a bit of sweat too…actually, definitely sweat because Henrietta heat was nasty as fuck. Whatever, Finlay could handle that. “I don’t mind. Can I kiss you, Joseph? I really want to.”

“But I’m so dirty.”

He was going to repeat that he didn’t mind but then Finlay took a moment to process the words, connecting them with others chain by chain.

Whoever the fuck Jordan was, Finlay was going to get with Jiang and they were going to put the fucking rapist in the ground.

Sliding down properly on the floor so his knees wouldn’t struggle anymore, Finlay had Joseph sit between his legs, keeping him clutched tight against his chest. He made to keep his heart as steady as possible, letting that be a comfort to Joseph if nothing else could. “I think you’re beautiful,” Finlay whispered into Joseph’s surprisingly not oily hair. He’d been totally ready for some hair grease.

The loudest snort in the world met his compliment.

“Snort all you like but it’s true. And I’m not talking about your body although you are pretty easy on the eyes – more if you’d gain twenty pounds.”

“I’m pathetic as fuck,” Joseph said, finally removing his hands but hiding his face in Finlay’s shirt. “That’s not beautiful.”

“When I was growing up,” Finlay said as though he wasn’t technically still growing up, “I had no one to care of me. Nobody really bothered too. It got even worse once I was in the foster system. I wasn’t one of those lucky kids who got a case worker who actually cared and I sure as hell never got a home that ever did. Not having anyone made me want to take of everyone and everything.”

“There’s a difference between being taken care of being a high maintenance dependent.”

Not to him. He _wanted_ someone to depend on him because he’d never had anyone to depend on. “I think the way you are is beautiful because there’s nothing I want to do more than take care of you. Is that such a crazy idea?”

To a homophobic asshole…yeah, probably.

Joseph stayed silent as he rested his head on Finlay’s chest instead of just hiding it away. “Would you believe me if I said that…” he began after silent minutes that felt like hours had passed. “If…I told you that…there’s a such thing as magic in the world?”

“Well, if there is,” Finlay snorted but he made sure to keep the disdain out of his voice just in case this was serious to Joseph. He didn’t want to upset him anymore than he already was upset. At least the anger wasn’t at him. “I wish God would’ve given me a little in my life. It’s been rough.”

The noise that erupted from Joseph was so disgusted and full of contempt that Finlay was shocked. Literally. “It would’ve just made it worse, I promise.”

Well that sounded intriguing. “Yeah?” he asked, returning to his favorite thing of petting Joseph’s head. There was something about it that just made his heart swell with joy. “You speaking from experience?”

Hands clutched tight at his shirt before they relaxed slowly as Joseph took in a deep breath with closed eyes. “Yeah.”

Yeah? What the hell?

“When I was seven, I found out that I can take things from my head.”

How…high was he? He sure had looked pretty damn sober when he’d shown up. Or at least, as pretty damn sober as Joseph could look.

“I taught myself how to sort of control it, started getting better at doing it, and making things.” Joseph paused, his eyes still shut. “Animals. People.”

Joseph sounded as serious as could be but…

“Like any power, it’s got limits. I learned them, sometimes the hard way. Most of my nights, I spent my sleep practicing. You have to dream, you see, and I’d dream and dream and dream. I was getting really good back in Jersey.”

“But?” he asked quietly because like any story, he was about to hear the tragic part, he could feel it.

A silent tear rolled down Joseph’s cheek before he opened his eyes and tilted his head up to look at Finlay. There’d only been a few times when he’d been so open like this. And needy. Finlay wasn’t joking when he said that he found it so beautiful. The way Joseph’s eyes were more open than a book, begging an unasked question, was just…everything.

Even if he faced rejection today, Finlay knew that he could never hate this boy. Never want anything but the best for him.

“I fell in love,” Joseph said with a tiny laugh, his bottom lip quivering. “I fell in love with the most beautiful boy in the world.”

He had a feeling he knew the general route this story was going to take. “Dad didn’t take it well, did he.”

“Oh, he beat the royal shit out of me,” Joseph laughed, wiping his eyes. He had hate in his eyes as he said it but the longing was there too, sitting just behind it. “I thought…that he was going to kill me. He was saying…scary things and he reached behind himself.”

Shit, that mobster rumor was real, wasn’t it? Sure, Joseph talked about it all the time but…they all just thought it was bullshit. “For his gun?”

“That’s what I thought, yeah. I panicked. I didn’t actually mean to do it. I didn’t.”

_“What about murderers?”_

_John seemed unconcerned with the question. “It’s of course not my place to guess God’s mercy but I believe that if there is reasonable reason, then there’s forgiveness.”_

_“Like self-defense?” Joseph asked carefully. “That’s reasonable.”_

“You shot him,” Finlay supplied as Joseph looked at him with round vulnerable eyes. “And he died.” Joseph nodded hurriedly. “And…you used this power of yours…to bring him…back.” It sounded like pure insanity but Joseph nodded again, his eyes begging Finlay to believe him. To accept him. “And then you guys came here?”

“My mom thought that getting me away would be good. I don’t think it’s helped.”

Joseph killed his father. Did his mother know that or had she just wanted to get Joseph out of an abusive home? And Joseph brought his father back to life? Did that even make sense? The man existed, Finlay knew that so… “Will you show me? Show me how you dream?”

“You don’t believe me,” Joseph whispered, panic flooding his face faster than a cheetah could sprint across the savannah. “You don’t.”

“I believe you,” he said firmly. _Kind of, at least._ Cupping Joseph’s face and taking a chance, he pressed the lightest kiss in the world to his head. “I believe you. I’ve just never seen magic, you know? You can’t expect me not to be curious.”

The other boy’s eyes ran over him warily, stuck between a rock and a fucking hard ass place. A dick on Christmas Eve. “Promise? Do you promise? Promises are sacred, you can’t lie about it.”

He kissed him again. “I promise, baby.”

Shit.

It slipped, he couldn’t help it when he had such a beautiful boy in his arms.

Joseph scrunched his nose, looking more himself than he had all day. “That shit’s _cheesy_.”

Well, that wasn’t the rejection or homophobia or thousands of other things he was expecting. “I’m a hella cheesy fucker, man.”

“Could…could you really…” Joseph bit his lip, looking like he as aiming for making a hole in it. “Could you,” he tried again, his voice so low that Finlay had to lean in to hear, “could…you really love a boy like me? I’m broken and gross and-”

His heart was beating so fast, he was sure that Joseph could pick up on it. Finlay was both excited and terrified because this could be the _moment_. “A murderer and a freak?” Joseph nodded. Brushing the hair from his forehead to the side, Finlay replied “I really could. You’ll always have me.”

“Always.”

“Always.”

“I didn’t actually kill Proko,” Joseph confessed, looking down but not necessarily trying to gain distance because he only curled closer. “He was looking at my gun and it went off. It was an accident.”

“That’s okay,” Finlay murmured, running his fingers through soft hair. This one hit waaaay closer to home and it wasn’t actually okay but…he’d never tell him otherwise. If Proko was something from Joseph’s head…Finlay would die with that secret. He was more stuck in the disbelieving denying mode more than anything else right now but the creepy part was that Proko wasn’t the same since last year. He wasn’t and they all knew it. As crazy as him being dead and brought back sounded… “You never meant for it to happen. It’s okay.”

To his surprise, Joseph wrapped his arms around Finlay’s waist. “Always,” he whispered, Finlay felt like it was to himself, like he was affirming it. Making it real by repeating it. “Always.”

Finlay wasn’t sure why, but suddenly, that word felt dangerous.

“I trust you,” Joseph continued, murmuring the words into Finlay’s tear stained shirt. “I trust you because you’ve never lied to me. Always. That’s perfect. I like always. Always. Always. Because you’ll always pick me. Always.” He glanced up suddenly, his eyes almost…feral. And dangerous. “You’ll always pick me, Finlay. _Always._ ”

Why did the word feel so volatile?

“Promise, Finlay? You promise, right?”

“I promise,” he said, smiling down at his crush feeling both delighted that he’d get this chance but also…scared. He never thought that he’d be so afraid of a promise. And when had Joseph seemed so…unstable? He’d been through a lot today, he was sure, but…

This behavior was seriously worrisome.

Joseph smiled so wide that Finlay’s smile grew wider just to match it.

He couldn’t say that he was feeling it though. It wasn’t because he was afraid of things going wrong between them, whatever it was that was actually between them, no, it was all because of one word.

Always.

It was like Joseph was setting his life on that word. It was like out of everything that had passed between them since he’d walked into the room, the only thing that mattered was that word. Finlay wasn’t worried about ‘always;’ he’d love for them to actually make it that long if they even made it out of this room. He was, however, a little apprehensive on how…deep Joseph would interpret that word.

Suddenly, the strongest boy he’d ever known was a volatile mess that Finlay wasn’t sure was actually…dare he say it, but healthy. In a…mental way. Not that such a thing would be wrong or bad or would even make him change his feelings but it meant navigating would be a little different. And it’d be a whole lot easier if he actually knew it to be true because then he’d know how to go about his unstable love.

It meant that the word ‘always’ held a meaning that Finlay wasn’t grasping. A potentially dangerous meaning or interpretation. Something more than just ‘forever.’


	134. Chapter 133

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So, since only one person has voted on the Snapshots (thanks Madeline) the decision has come that little Joseph comes first
> 
> In case your lost in the timeline....  
> Timelinish: July 3rd 2013
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> _“Thank you for ruining me just as much as everyone else has.”_

They were in bed. They were lying there, in Swan’s – no, _Finlay’s_ , bed. It was a small bed, as any dorm bed would be. A simple twin pushed up against the wall with a small nightstand on the other side. It couldn’t have been more than three feet wide – hardly roomy enough for two people – but they laid there. Together.

Joseph and Finlay, there on one small sized bed.

And…it was okay.

He didn’t feel crowded or trapped, he could breathe easily as if he was resting in his own bed, and Joseph could do this all with Finlay beside him. A boy. He could do this all with this boy beside him and he felt _good_. The world wasn’t ending, he wasn’t choking, there weren’t ants crawling all over his skin.

In this bed, here, Joseph was _okay._ He was okay and it was okay and it was okay because Finlay had promised for always. He’d promised and Joseph had taken that promise and put it in his heart and in his head and it was okay.

Always.

It wasn’t never, or going, or disgust, or hate, or any of the rejecting revolting words Joseph had always faced.

No, no.

It was always.

It was always and it was a promise and it was beautiful and Joseph felt _okay_.

Trust and truth made things okay.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days,” Finlay murmured, his hand reaching the short distance to Joseph, hovering over his ear until Joseph nodded to give the permission he sought. Finlay combed back the few strays hairs sticking out behind Joseph’s ear. “And I don’t mean that in the figurative way.”

Joseph kept his eyes locked on Finlay’s, looking for any sign of deception. He hadn’t found any yet, only open honesty. But then, Finlay had never been the lying type so maybe that was why Joseph believed every word he said. “Who says I have?”

_“Let’s lie down,” Finlay whispered against Joseph’s head. “What do you think? Can we lie down together?”_

_Why was he asking? It was like Joseph’s opinion actually mattered but that was just ridiculous. People took advantage of him, even for just lying down. If he wanted to lie down with him, why didn’t he just drag him the way Jordan had? If he wanted something, Joseph wasn’t exactly capable of stopping him._

_“Joseph?” He shrugged. Joseph was tired of fighting, tired of struggling, because it’d never done him any good anyways. “No, I want you to tell me. Can we?”_

_“It’s whatever.”_

_“Nope. It’s not whatever. Tell me, would you like to lie down together?”_

_Joseph tilted his head back and looked up at this confounding boy that somehow…reminded him of Emilio. Maybe it was the concern? “I’d…I’m okay…with that.”_

Something crossed Finlay’s face though Joseph wasn’t sure what it was. “Busy weekend?”

_I’m going_

_Never you and me_

“You could say that,” he answered softly, tilting his head down from that burning gaze. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.”

He glanced up in confusion. “That’s it? Just okay?”

“Yeah. You don’t want to talk about it and that’s okay.”

Joseph scratched at his head, none of this making any sense. Didn’t he want to know? Wasn’t it like a requirement to say that it’d be better if he talked about it or something?

Why just okay?

“Can I scoot closer?”

“Why…” Joseph began, puzzled beyond belief, “do you keep asking?”

Finlay just smiled a crooked sweet smile that Joseph felt like he might like. His heart was trying to pull emotions up into his brain but they still weren’t quite meeting like they should. “I told you that I’d respect your boundaries, remember?”

Joseph did in fact remember.

“Asking permission is a major key to it all.”

Interesting. Questions… “Like consent.”

“Exactly.” Consent. Joseph didn’t get that a lot. “So can I scoot closer? I’d really like to if that’s okay.”

“Um…” Joseph scooted himself closer making Finlay grin like a madman. There was a little flower in his chest trying to bloom from that smile but sunshine just wasn’t reaching it. Between them, there was probably a hand width. It was…a little too close. Pushing it.

So he scooted back to his spot.

“Sorry,” he whispered as he looked down towards his curled up legs, ashamed that he couldn’t manage such a small thing.

He really was pathetic.

“No, no, no, don’t be sorry,” Finlay said softly, taking Joseph’s hand in his. “That’s okay. We don’t need to push anywhere you’re not comfortable. We have all the time in the world.”

A bell went off in his brain, almost Pavlov style, his head flying up as he replied in earnest “Because of always, right? You said always, Finlay, and you _promised_.”

“I sure as hell did,” Finlay nodded against the pillow. “And I’m sure as hell keeping that promise. Don’t worry, okay?”

“It’s okay because you said you’d make things okay and now they’re gonna be okay.” Finlay smiled at him but Joseph didn’t like the smile. It wasn’t the one that made flowers want to bloom. “Right? You said that and things kind of feel okay,” he gestured between them, “you said it was okay.”

“Joseph,” Finlay whispered inching closer but just a little inch and that was okay because it was only that. Finlay knew better. Finlay was _trustworthy_. “Can…” he paused, biting at his nail, “can I kiss you? Is that okay?”

He blinked for a moment, wondering if it indeed was okay. And what kind of kiss? Kisses ranged from everything to anything. A kiss? Joseph had always loved kisses. Kisses were special. Kisses were powerful. Kisses made him feel good when he actually wanted them.

A kiss? Joseph hadn’t kissed in years. He never kissed the girls he had sex with and the last time a full on kiss had meant something was with Emilio.

But Emilio was different. Emilio was everything and special and… A kiss? With Finlay? They were always, weren’t they? Joseph and Emilio had had a similar pact too.

Forever and always. Never anything less. No matter what.

Always.

“Like a…kiss kiss?”

Finlay shrugged like it didn’t matter but Joseph felt like it might. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want, that’s okay too.”

What did he want? Wasn’t that always the question? It was a powerful and beyond annoying question that Joseph never had a proper answer for. What did he want? Well, he wasn’t sure what he wanted but he knew what Finlay wanted. “Okay.”

Excitement flared for a quick moment before it dampened to questioning. “Okay to…what.”

“Um…” he replied, biting on the corner of his lower lip, “I-I guess a kiss and…we see…from there?”

“Is that a question or a statement.”

It was a question but he knew what Finlay wanted to hear. “A statement.”

Scooting that last inch over, leaving their heads face-to-face, Finlay smiled as he softly cupped Joseph’s cheek. “If you need to pull away, if you want it to stop, then just stop, okay? I’m not going to be upset.”

Joseph nodded quickly, wanting to get this done as fast as possible. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for this kind of step but Finlay had promised him always and Joseph wanted to make him happy. “’Kay. Now no more talk.”

His…whatever Finlay was to him, grinned and his eyes lit up brighter than Joseph had ever seen before as he ever so carefully brought his mouth to Joseph’s. It wasn’t _really_ a kiss because his lips were just like…sitting there but it was…okay. Joseph felt okay. It was almost like he wanted _Joseph_ to take the step forward; another way of asking permission, he realized. Just for that, because it was a sweet gesture, he could admit it, Joseph pressed his lips harder against Finlay’s to show him it was fine and decided to take the next bold step by sucking in Finlay’s bottom lip.

Really, the experience was everything Joseph had remembered loving. It was beautiful and so…fulfilling.

He remembered now everything that he missed.

Bottom lip became tongue and tongue became two, sliding against each other.

It.

Felt.

So.

Right.

“Fuck,” Finlay whispered as he pulled away, rubbing his now swollen bottom lip with his thumb. “You can fucking _kiss._ God _damn_.” Joseph’s face heated from the praise but he smiled too. “Although, baby-”

“Oh my God,” Joseph muttered as he rolled his eyes.

“I told you, I’m cheesy,” Finlay laughed, resting his head on his hand, “I’m buying you Chapstick.” Joseph broke into laughter, covering his face as he did.

And _that_ felt right.

“Also? Kissing someone with a tongue stud is now one of my fetishes. Swear. To. God.”

Joseph shook his head, still hiding behind his hands, as he snorted “You’re an idiot.”

“Love you too, baby. That’s what makes us special.”

Uncovering his face, Joseph stared at his…whatever with concern. Concern that made his heart pound and throat ache. “You shouldn’t use words like those so lightly.”

Especially words like those.

“How do you know that I don’t mean them?” Finlay asked as he reached and arm over and cupped Joseph’s face. It was warm and settling. It was like it was grounding him firmly in place. And even that felt right. “I’ve had a crush on you, man, and crushes develop like fucking bitches in a womb.”

“Bitches…in a womb.”

“I know, I know,” Finlay laughed as he rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s as bad as a boner at Christmas.” Turning his head back to face Joseph, Finlay seemed almost…hesitant. Worried? Something. “Is love more powerful than always?”

“There’s a big difference,” Joseph snorted as he rolled his eyes and set himself on his own back. He missed ceiling watching. Maybe it was something he could share with Finlay now. “Love is love and always is forever and never being alone or turning your back. People fall out of love all the time. Or they could still be in love but they do stupid things.”

“You said you fell in love with the most beautiful boy in the world. Didn’t you think that you guys would be forever? They go hand in hand.”

They’d been in love, yes, but that was entirely different. He didn’t hold it against Emilio that life had fucked them up and taken them different ways. He didn’t hold it against him that he found love in that Marcus guy. Deep down, he knew that the ‘always’ part was still inside Emilio, a special Joseph shaped hole that never could be filled. It was wrong to want that hole to never be filled but it meant that Joseph would never be forgotten no matter who Emilio fell for.

Joseph would always still be in his heart and his head.

With Finlay, it was different. Joseph didn’t love him, hell, he barely really knew him, but Finlay had promised always and that was safety and security and _understanding_. Something that was far different from love. Joseph wanted the things that came with always, Finlay wanted the things that came with love. They wanted different things but they were each willing to compromise for each other. Finlay wanted to give Joseph everything, so really, he wasn’t compromising anything. It was Joseph who was giving the love things like hugs and kisses.

But it was okay because Finlay promised to make things okay. It was okay and it felt okay and it felt right.

So he didn’t mind compromising on his end.

“I guess,” he shrugged because he didn’t want to fight about it. Finlay wouldn’t want him if they fought. Fighting didn’t make healthy relationships. “But always is always and a promise makes it even stronger.”

“Yeah, yeah it would.”

They sat in silence but that was okay like everything was okay for the moment. Things could only get better, couldn’t they? Because now he had Finlay and that was always and he promised to make it all okay. That meant _everything._

A phone chimed, Lionel Richie crooning about how he called to say he loved you, which meant that it definitely wasn’t Joseph’s phone. Finlay had set it as his ringtone months ago.

_“This way, I’ll always know that someone loves me even if they aren’t calling to say it or mean it.”_

“Yellooo?” Finlay answered, a smile playing on his face that made Joseph wonder if it was because he was happy because of him. “Hm? Yeah, yeah. Uh…” Finlay glanced at the clock beside his head, “Yeah, be right there. Kk, bye.”

Be right where? “Where?” Joseph asked as he watched Finlay roll out of bed and straighten out the horrid wrinkles that had taken over his clothes.

Finlay looked up with a hum. “Oh, Skov wants-”

Joseph didn’t even hear nor process the rest of the answer. Skov? Why was he leaving him for Skov? That didn’t make sense. Finlay had said he’d pick him over _anyone_. Anyone included Skov, didn’t it?

Unless…he was a liar.

But he’d never lied before so why would he now? That’d be ridiculous.

“Joseph? Did you hear what I said?”

Yeah, he’d heard about fucking Skov who was apparently better than Joseph was. Was it because Joseph was a mess? But Finlay had said that it was okay, that he didn’t see him that way. That he was beautiful.

And yet…he was going for Skov.

That just didn’t make any sense. Joseph didn’t understand at all.

“Joseph?”

“Why do you have to go?”

Finlay’s face went from casual to concerned, his eyes narrowing and his brows furrowing. “I told you, Skov-”

“He’s not better than me. You said so.”

Sitting back down on the bed as Joseph dragged himself to a sitting position, hugging his knees, Finlay rested a hand on his shoulder with a careful smile. “Hey,” he said softly, as soft as his thumb was rubbing, “No one is better than anyone, okay? He just wants-”

“But why are his wants more important than mine?” Joseph couldn’t help but snap, shoving the hand off as he got to his feet. His heart was hurting from how fast it was pounding, shuddering his body more violently than a storm hitting a rowboat.

Or maybe it was hurting because he’d actually wanted this to work.

To be _okay._

He’d never liked the word okay. Joseph had always been a believer in ‘better’ but never okay because things just couldn’t and would never be a-okay. It was impossible. And yet his stupidity and…and idiocy and just being the biggest fucking chump out there led him to actually believe Finlay. Why could he never just learn?

“Joseph-”

“Don’t fucking ‘Joseph’ me! You said you’d _always_ pick me! Me!” he shouted, practically stabbing himself in the chest with his hands. “You swore, you fucking swore!”

It should have bothered him seeing the pain he was causing flashing violently onto Finlay’s face but really…if he couldn’t connect the plugs for the emotions that affected him personally, he was pretty sure there was no connecting his empathy either.

“Joseph,” Finlay said in a very patient voice as he stood, hands in his pockets to reflect fake nonchalance. “All he wants is for-”

“Why are you still talking about _his_ wants?” Joseph said in disbelief, his arms dropping to his sides in defeat. “Why? Aren’t you listening? Why aren’t you listening to me? Why, Finlay?”

“Baby, I’m listening but I need you take a sec and listen to me, okay? Just a sec, that’s all I’m asking. Is that okay?” He took a step forward, an arm’s length away from Joseph. “Joseph, tell me if it’s okay.”

He rubbed his face roughly as he groaned out his frustrations. Why why why wasn’t he listening? Why should Joseph have to listen when Finlay wouldn’t do the same for him? “No because you’re not listening to me,” he finally snapped, revealing his flushed face. “You told me that I came first. _Me._ Not that fucking blonde little bitch-”

“Alright, alright,” Finlay said quickly, taking another step forward. It suddenly felt too close which was ridiculous because only a minute ago, they were side by side. Side by side and they’d _kissed_.

But that had been a minute ago. That had been before Finlay showed his true colors. It’d all been just one big lie, hadn’t it? The words, the promises, the _always._

It’d all been just so Finlay could get what he wanted.

He was just like everyone else, wasn’t he? A liar, a user, someone who only saw Joseph for what they could get and not what he was. All those words of beauty and that fake as fuck love had been pretty lies wrapped in a bow of promise.

Was Joseph really that bad? Why hadn’t he seen it before? If no one liked him and he was repeatedly used and abused, why hadn’t he realized how…disgusting he was? How stupid was he to just keep on believing and believing anything people fed him?

“You’re a liar,” Joseph whispered, the pain of wanting to cry overwhelming him but just like before, he couldn’t seem to actually do what he wanted. He was even a prisoner in his body, for God’s sake. “You’re just a liar like everyone else.”


	135. Chapter 134

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy! We've only got like...twelve chapters left. Thirteen maybe. I'm actually writing the last chapter like right this moment
> 
> _“I can do it! I know how to! I don’t do everything WRONG!”_

The situation was out of control and Finlay honestly had no idea what to do. He’d thought that talking would be best but nothing he said seemed to be the right thing. Not that he even had the chance to say anything because Joseph just kept interrupting.

In his beautiful eyes, there was the start of tears matching the crumpling demeanor of the rest of him. All Finlay wanted to do was hug Joseph close, hold him until the tears went away, but he knew that Joseph wasn’t going to let him touch him.

How far they had come from such a wonderful kiss only a second ago.

“You’re a fucking liar, you fucking piece of shit,” Joseph hissed, his anger only more burning because of his pain. “You told me you’d always pick me. You _promised_.”

Never in his life had he ever thought that going to help Skov set up his new laptop would cause this much problems. Actually, a problem at all. “I’m picking you but that doesn’t mean-”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” Joseph shouted, throwing his hands up in his fury. Finlay had seen Joseph angry – a billion times – but this furious pain was more dangerous than anything he’d ever encountered. “Just fucking STOP IT! YOU’RE A FUCKING LYING ASSHOLE!”

Think, Finlay, think. First things first was that he needed to calm him the hell down before his yelling caught attention. Taking another step that left only the size of his foot between them, Finlay said in the calmest voice that he could manage “I’ve _never_ lied to you, okay?” There was an ugly twitch of the eye in reply. “Not once. I genuinely have a crush on you. I genuinely want to make things okay-”

“There’s no such thing as okay,” Joseph laughed such an ugly ugly laugh that gave Finlay unhealthy shivers. It was one of those scary dry ones that a person shouldn’t be able to do. “There will never be something that’s okay.”

Finlay opened his mouth to respond but Lionel Richie cut him off and he cringed because they both knew who had to be calling wondering why he hadn’t arrived yet. It made him cringe but it made Joseph’s anger flare into such brutal hate and his jaw clench so hard, the muscle quivered under the stress. “Ignore it,” Finlay said quickly, setting his hands on Joseph’s shoulders to get his attention. “Look at me, baby.”

“You don’t get to call me that when you don’t mean it.”

God, they’d been _kissing_ and now it literally felt like it was over before they’d even gotten a chance to get somewhere. “I mean it. I fucking mean everything I said to you, do you understand? I want to give you always-”

Violently shoving Finlay’s hands off, Joseph clenched his fists at his sides like he was just barely holding himself back. “Don’t you fucking mock me. Don’t you dare.”

Mock him? When had he mocked him? “Joseph-”

“You’re just as bad as everyone else,” he snarled, his face so ugly and resentful that Finlay couldn’t find the boy he was in love with in there. “Just as bad. You use me until I’m not good enough anymore and then just throw me away like the nothing I am.”

“You’re not nothing to me.”

He’d expected more anger, sure, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected the punch that dropped him to the floor. Maybe that was why Finlay dropped so hard as he clutched his cheek in pain. Joseph stood over him, looking more Kavinsky than he ever had. “Lying is bad for your health, Finlay, so just. Fucking. Stop.” He pointed at himself with a shaking finger, “I kissed you. I fucking kissed you and…and wanted to give you _everything_ you wanted and you” his finger turned down, pointing hatefully at Finlay, “you were just _using_ -”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Finlay threatened, dragging himself up by using his bed. He was confused and hurt but now he was adding pissed to the list because he sure as fucking hell had not used him. He would never even _think_ of it. “Don’t you dare accuse me of that shit.”

“Why? It’s true! You fed me beautiful beautiful lies that I wanted more than _anything_. Lies that mean more to me that you can ever possibly imagine.”

The words sure as fuck hadn’t been a lie but Finlay was beginning to see just how much weight Joseph put on words. He couldn’t believe that behind the façade of Kavinsky, he’d missed this boy. How Joseph had held himself together these years that he’d known him, Finlay had no idea but he was utterly amazed. The boy before him was still everything he wanted but he wasn’t just cracked or even broken.

He was shattered. Shattered into more damn pieces than when someone dropped one of those crystal vases in one of those ‘break, you buy’ stores. Life and the people in it had taken so many hits at this boy that he was crumpling beneath its weight inch by inch.

Finlay was terrified that soon, there wouldn’t be any room left to crumple. Soon, life would just smash Joseph like it’d tried a year ago before Finlay had shown up and stopped it from happening. He’d stopped it but he hadn’t lifted the weight any higher than it’d been pressing down.

“Lies that I wanted to be true so bad.” Joseph voice cracked under the strain of his words, “I wanted it so bad, Finlay. So bad and you _ruined_ _it for me_.”

Fuck his life, he was not going to cry right now. He refused despite how much those words hurt. It was like he was driving the knife in deeper and deeper and now Joseph was twisting the fuck out of to make sure that Finlay _really_ felt it.

“You told me that I come first. And that we were _always_.” Joseph paused and laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard as he jabbed a finger at his own chest. “And I stupidly believed you! I know better and I believed you because you’re supposed to be a good person.”

Supposed to be as though he wasn’t anymore.

“You’re either with me or you aren’t and as sooooo many people like showing me, no one is ever with me. I-I kissed you, Finlay. Against every ounce of…of,” he clenched his fists once more, his face contorted in the loss of not finding the word he needed. “I’m not a fag,” Joseph finally laughed. “I broke myself out of that. But I was willing to go back for _you_.”

Just keep twisting.

“Because you have never treated me as anything than how I am and I appreciated it.” Wiping his eyes and sniffling, Joseph added “And now I know it was just because you wanted something. Like everyone always does. The one kind of always I never wanted.”

Did he seriously believe that Finlay was using him? That all that had been a lie? Because it sure hadn’t been for him. Jesus Christ, for God’s sake, Finlay felt like his heart was ripping into two as if they had actually had the chance to be something and this was their brutal breakup. “I want you,” Finlay admitted with a nod. “I want you as who you are, Joseph. None of that was a lie because I don’t lie about what’s inside.” He double tapped his heart. “Inside, I realized that I have feelings for you. That I want you. I don’t want something from you, I want _you_. I want to love you and care for you. Not use you, baby.”

“How,” Joseph hissed as he leaned in close, “do you expect me to believe a single word that comes out of your lying fucking mouth? You want me? Nobody wants me! You’re not better than everyone! Why would anyone want the tainted murdering freak! I don’t blame them! I don’t even want me!”

“But I do.”

Joseph shook his head almost violently. Vehemently. “No, no, no, no, _no_. You want to use me. You just dumped my ass and showed your true colors by picking Skov-”

“I didn’t pick Skov!” Finlay snapped, frustrated beyond belief because he was just so fucking confused. He didn’t understand what the hell was going on at all. “I’m in love with you! I want you, Joseph!”

He laughed.

He just fucking laughed like Finlay wasn’t spilling his heart right now.

“Oh please,” Joseph snorted as he crossed his arms. “’I’m in love with you!’” he mocked viciously, “’You, Joseph!’ Yeah well, fuck you! Fuck you and all the damn lies!”

“They’re not lies!” Finlay shouted, his own fists clenched now. He couldn’t do this, he seriously couldn’t. Finlay didn’t understand a thing that was going on but them shouting at each other was going to get them nowhere.

So he took a deep breath.

He grabbed his phone.

Put on his slippers.

And walked to his door.

Finlay paused with his hand on the handle and turned back to look at the seething boy he knew he still wanted. Something was upsetting him, more than just…whatever the fuck this was. It was crushing him and making him god fucking delusional and while there was nothing Finlay wanted more than to love him and hold him, Joseph didn’t want that right now.

“I love you,” he said, his voice unwavering because it was true, Finlay was sure of it. “Or at least, I’m in love with you. I want there to be an us and an always and a forever. That’s never gonna be a lie, Joseph. I’ll pick you over anyone any damn day.”

“You’re not now.”

“Skov asking help with his computer doesn’t mean I’m choosing him over you. It just means I’m being a good friend.”

Joseph bit his lip, his entire mouth quivering. He was a mess of emotions that didn’t know how to handle itself anymore. “But I _need_ you. Don’t I come first?”

 _Deep breaths, Finlay, deep breaths._ “I told you; you always come first.”

“But I’m not now! Why…why do you have to go? Why can’t you just stay here with me? We were happy and now you want to go? Did I do something wrong?”

“Oh, baby, no, no, no,” Finlay said softly as he rushed over and pulled Joseph into the tightest hug on earth. What the hell was all this doubt? This fear? Pressing a kiss to his temple and brushing the back of his head soothingly, he whispered “You’re perfect to me.” It wasn’t the time to talk about assholic tendencies. “You haven’t done a thing, you understand? There’s nothing I want more-”

His phone rang.

Never had he hated Lionel and Skov so much.

Losing his balance and dropping onto John’s bed as Joseph shoved him away, Finlay looked up at Joseph who seemed ready to literally scream. “Thank you for ruining me just as much as everyone else has.”

When the tears started welling, Finlay knew there was no way in hell he wasn’t going to cry. It was like Joseph had just taken that knife that he was twisting and jabbed it into a vein. Not an artery because death would be too quick, no, a vein so it’d be nice and slow.

“I thought better of you. I always think better of people and I think that’s half my problem. Maybe if I wasn’t so damn gullible, I wouldn’t always be taken advantage of. Maybe if I was actually a good person, God would’ve let me have a good life with all the nice things in it. I would’ve had a dad who loved me, a mom who could look at me, a boyfriend who thought I was his world. But I don’t deserve those things so reality made sure not to give me any of them.”

“Joseph-”

He leaned down and wore the creepiest smile Finlay had ever seen and said before he walked out “I hope Skov was worth it.”

It took him a long time to get off John’s bed. Seven phone rings and two rounds of crying later, to be exact. In the matter of an hour, he’d won and lost. Gotten everything he’d wanted and lost it before he even got to enjoy it. Before he even got to brag about how much he loved his boyfriend. Fuck, before he even got to even _think_ of him as his boyfriend.

Finlay had literally lost his heart moments after he thought it to be whole with the most beautiful boy in the world.

“Jiang warned you,” he laughed at himself. “He warned you and you said you’d rather try and look at that! You tried. Tried, won, and failed all in the matter of moments.”

Moments.

All because of a fucking computer.

It wouldn’t have been easy being with a guy who was filled with self-hate, was chronically depressed, frequently suicidal, and an anxiety ridden mess. It wouldn’t have been but Finlay wouldn’t have minded at all because those characteristics didn’t define Joseph. He was more than his disorders. He was a human with qualities and traits that Finlay liked. He would’ve learned how to manage, how to handle him, how to _help_ him.

He would’ve loved every second of it.

And even if there was more – which now he was more than convinced of – he wouldn’t have minded that either. Finlay would’ve been with him every fucking step of the way.

Now he didn’t even have that chance anymore.

“At least you got to kiss him,” Finlay mumbled into his hands which were soaked with his tears. Who would’ve thought that it’d take a boy to make him cry after the life he’d been through. “You made him happy for a few minutes. That’s good.”

A fucking computer. That was what had ruined them before they even got off the ground. They’d had the chance with Joseph’s consent and Skov’s ineptitude had ruined it.

Simple as that.

There was a knock at the door but Finlay didn’t bother with it. He didn’t care unless it was Joseph and he knew that it wasn’t. It was over and done with.

_You ruined it for me_

_Thank you for ruining me_

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as the door opened and Jiang’s ‘yo’ echoed through the quiet room. “Yo,” Finlay replied, his voice still ridden with tears. He knew he was a mess but there was no hiding with Jiang now in front of him. “Hi.”

“Shit…you crying? Holy fuck, I don’t think-”

“I’m really not in the mood.”

Jiang nodded slowly, his eyes scanning over Finlay. “You okay?”

“No,” he laughed, wiping away some more tears. “No, I’m not. He broke me, man. I know what you’re going to say so please don’t, okay? I can’t take it right now.”

Crouching in front of him, Jiang asked “You wanna talk about it?”

“He thinks I’m a liar,” he mumbled miserably into his hands. “It was all perfect and then…then fucking Skov had to call.”

“What’s Skov got to do with it?”

“I don’t know!” Finlay couldn’t help but snap, his hands flying up in the air with his frustration. “I just don’t get what set him off! We were fine, Jiang. Literally, we were great and laying in my bed and we even _kissed_.”

“Holy. Fuck.”

“Exactly! And then I say ‘Skov’ and he blows! Boom!”

“Kissed? You and K? Shit.”

“Focus, please!” Finlay got to his feet and began to pace the short length of his room. “What’d I do wrong? I was just gonna check his computer and come back. That’s all. And then suddenly I’m a liar and I pick everyone over him? What’s that even mean?”

“Is he a good kisser?”

“Jiang, please!”

Getting to his feet but only to sink into Finlay’s bed, Jiang shrugged. “I want to know!”

He groaned into his hands as he continued pacing. “Yes, okay? Amazing. But that’s not the point right now.”

“Maybe he needs time? Maybe it was a little too much for him to process all at once?”

Finlay paused his pacing. “What’s that gotta do with Skov, man? You didn’t hear the way he was hating on him.”

“He’ll come around, okay? Don’t worry.”

Really, he had no idea how Jiang could be so sure when he didn’t even have the slightest idea as to what went down. You didn’t thank someone for ruining you only to come around later.

_I’m sorry_

_I’m sorry_

_I’m sorry_


End file.
